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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:19,764 Well, let's go down and check out the green room. 2 00:00:19,802 --> 00:00:23,762 I used to date a girl who was a musician. 3 00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,766 She fancied herself a poet. 4 00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:28,719 And also a cheater. 5 00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,167 She was a singer/schlong rider. 6 00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:38,429 [ Laughter ] 7 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:42,612 My little brother just got a promotion at his job. 8 00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,131 He was all excited about it. 9 00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,394 He texted me, he's like, "Hey, man, I got the job." 10 00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,267 I texted him back, I said, "Fucking 'A,' man." 11 00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:54,710 But I left all the punctuation out of the sentence. 12 00:00:57,448 --> 00:01:00,148 -Excited? -Yeah, dude. 13 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,110 Nervous, though. I'm not gonna lie. 14 00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,109 It looked like he was like, "Hey, man, I got the job," 15 00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:08,071 and I just wrote back, "Fucking a man." 16 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,071 Appreciate it, man. Thank you guys for coming out. 17 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:13,643 I'm Raul Sanchez, and I am a stand-up comedian. 18 00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:15,382 I was in the 82nd Airborne. 19 00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:18,033 Comedy gave me something that I could do after the army. 20 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,518 I didn't know what I was gonna do when I got out. 21 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:24,388 At the beginning, it was just like blind hunger 22 00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:28,652 for something that I didn't even understand. 23 00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:31,957 I don't tell people that I was in the army 24 00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:34,834 or that I fought in Iraq or in Afghanistan. 25 00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,103 Stand-up comedy is a release in that 26 00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:44,102 I allow myself to talk about it, to say that I did that. 27 00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:52,940 Going up on stage, it's the same exact level of anxiety 28 00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,252 and the exact same amount of relief 29 00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:57,639 that I get jumping out of an airplane. 30 00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,732 The doors come up, and all you hear is [Blowing] 31 00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,252 And it's just darkness 'cause you're jumping 32 00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,386 in the middle of the night. 33 00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,598 Either the chute's gonna open or it's not. 34 00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,648 [ Cheers and applause ] 35 00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:10,873 Emcee: Are we ready for our next comedian? 36 00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:20,143 ♪♪ 37 00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:29,193 ♪♪ 38 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,926 He's an absolute killer, 39 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:34,276 and he was the winner of the Funniest Comic in Texas contest. 40 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:37,898 Please welcome the hilarious Raul Sanchez! 41 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,160 [ Cheers and applause ] 42 00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,474 Thank you, everybody! 43 00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,471 Thank you. Beautiful, awesome Texas. 44 00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,043 Nice to be here, man. 45 00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,209 Capital of drinking. 46 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:51,385 I fucking love this place, dude. 47 00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,348 I went to the West Coast not too long ago. 48 00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:57,962 Went to go visit some family, do some shows. 49 00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:02,093 It was pretty awesome, man, but I'll tell you this, dude, 50 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:05,398 they are not fucking around with their pot up there, dude. 51 00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:06,876 My sister gave me some weed. 52 00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,315 She goes, "Here you go, Raul. 53 00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:10,672 This is medical-grade pot." 54 00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:13,632 And then just left me there with it. 55 00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,371 Dude, is it me, or is the word "medical" 56 00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:16,672 not the most deceiving way 57 00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:20,238 to describe how powerful something is? 58 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:24,467 When I think of the word "medical," I think of safety. 59 00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,028 When I think of the word "medical," 60 00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,725 I don't think sitting on a sofa with my nails dug 61 00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,302 into the side of the arm rest 62 00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:33,519 like I'm about to blast off in a fucking rocket. 63 00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:36,741 "Aah, this is too medical!" 64 00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,911 [ Laughter ] 65 00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:41,567 Dude, I got so high I took a drink of water, 66 00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:45,092 I didn't even swallow it. 67 00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,177 I just walked around the house 68 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:51,007 for two hours with water in my mouth. 69 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,058 Yeah, so you can imagine my surprise 70 00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:58,634 when I went to take another hit. 71 00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:02,983 I almost drowned in my sister's living room. 72 00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,325 Jesus. 73 00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:08,164 Weed is not my friend sometimes, man. 74 00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,294 You ever get so high you suddenly realize 75 00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:13,167 that you've been rambling on for the past 20 minutes, 76 00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,039 but the only part of those 20 minutes you remember 77 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,780 is that last sentence you just said? 78 00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,433 But that last sentence is so obscure, 79 00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:24,347 there's no way to trace it back to what the fuck it was. 80 00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,144 You'll be there like, "Blah, blah, blah, yeah, 81 00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:27,748 but it's all done mechanically nowadays, 82 00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,309 so if anything, you'd have to suck my dick. 83 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:33,876 The fuck was I talking about?" 84 00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:37,185 And you realize the entire time 85 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:40,803 you were talking to your grandma. 86 00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,405 But now she throws you off your mug 'cause she's like, 87 00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:45,106 "Well, yeah, he would have to. It's, uh... 88 00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,244 It's kind of an unwritten rule, really." 89 00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,512 I hope they legalize it here in Texas, man, 90 00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:54,864 'cause we need that shit. 91 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,913 Yeah, dude. [ Cheers and applause ] 92 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,468 They need to legalize it. 93 00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:01,206 I got some friends that are way too optimistic 94 00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,737 about that shit, though. 95 00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,520 They're like, "Oh, bro, in three more years, bro, 96 00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,475 we're all gonna be smoking a joint outside the Alamo, bro. 97 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,663 They won't be able to tell us shit." 98 00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,829 It's like, "Nah, dude." I love my state, man. 99 00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,175 I love Texas, but we're gonna be the last motherfuckers 100 00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,395 to legalize that shit. 101 00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:16,835 Yeah, and I'll tell you why. 102 00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:21,801 Because in Texas, old people will not die. 103 00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:27,461 They will not die, and they love to vote! 104 00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,374 Die! 105 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:35,027 So I can smoke a joint outside the Alamo. 106 00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,993 And good luck trying to change their mind, man. 107 00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,432 They're so set in their ways, 108 00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,378 it doesn't matter how good your point is, man. 109 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,777 I know 'cause I've had these arguments before. 110 00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:45,870 You do realize that marijuana is a lot safer than alcohol 111 00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,300 and a lot healthier than cigarettes, 112 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,567 and if you keep it illegal, 113 00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,259 you're just providing the cartels 114 00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,126 with a lucrative business that only they have access to. 115 00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,397 But they won't listen to that shit. 116 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,050 They'll just be like, "All right, sir, 117 00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,573 I'm not gonna tell you again. Step out of your vehicle 118 00:05:56,617 --> 00:06:01,057 and put your hands behind your head." 119 00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:05,149 All right, well, maybe... 120 00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,760 Maybe you have a point. 121 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,631 I don't know. 122 00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:11,152 Okay. 123 00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:15,112 I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood, man. 124 00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:17,547 I grew up in the West Side of San Antonio. 125 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,774 I have a friend that did seven years in prison 126 00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:22,824 'cause he robbed a jewelry store, and dude, 127 00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,520 sometimes I don't like hanging out with this dude. 128 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,779 No, every time I go over to his house, like, 129 00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:30,562 he always wants to play me prison games. 130 00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,777 No, I don't mean like weird shit. 131 00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,436 I mean like -- 132 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,700 like, he always wants to play me chess, you know? 133 00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,493 He's like, "Hey, bro, let's play a game of chess, bro." 134 00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,877 "Chess, bro." 135 00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,445 No, man, I don't know how to play chess, 136 00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,673 and I think it's kind of boring to be honest with you. 137 00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:50,542 He's like, "Aw, bro, see, the reason you don't know how to 138 00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:54,984 play chess is 'cause chess -- chess is a thinking man's game." 139 00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:59,204 Is it, Eddie? 140 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:02,424 Is it a thinking man's game? 141 00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,465 Or is it the game of a man who couldn't go outside 142 00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,161 for seven years? 143 00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,118 [ Laughter ] 144 00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,467 Yeah, I don't know how to play chess 145 00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,427 'cause I was allowed to go to the mall. 146 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,831 Why don't we just have a toothbrush-sharpening contest 147 00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:19,831 while we're at it, you fucking maniac? 148 00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,918 Incredible, man. 149 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,927 I used to box. 150 00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:30,449 No, I should say I tried boxing for two weeks. 151 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:37,069 It went, as white people like to say, no bueno. 152 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:42,978 [ Laughter ] 153 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,987 It was tough. 154 00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:47,159 [ Laughter ] 155 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,262 You know why I tried it? 156 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:58,129 Because I saw this documentary on all Mexican boxers, right, 157 00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,353 and those motherfuckers got me all riled up. 158 00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,872 You know, this dude came on the screen and he's just like, 159 00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:05,617 "I don't know what it is about us Mexicans and boxing. 160 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:08,139 I guess it's just in our blood." 161 00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:10,233 And I'm looking at it. "It is in out blood, man. 162 00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,062 I'm fucking boxing," right? 163 00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,360 And all of a sudden, Julio César Chávez comes out, 164 00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,706 who's arguably the greatest Mexican boxer of all time. 165 00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,277 He looks into the camera and he goes, 166 00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:20,283 "You only need one thing to be a great boxer. 167 00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:21,975 It's called a heart." 168 00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,593 And I'm like, "I'm Mexican and I got a fucking heart, dude. 169 00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,904 I'm laying dudes out, man, I'm telling you." 170 00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:31,822 Two weeks later, this kid lit me up so bad, dude. 171 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,769 I went home mad. I was like, "All right, 172 00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,337 I'm not gonna say that Julio César Chávez is a liar, 173 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,205 but he definitely withheld some information, man. 174 00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,907 There's a lot more to it than heart." 175 00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,346 You know, and personally, 176 00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,092 I blame the director of that documentary, 177 00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,873 'cause as soon as Chávez said that shit about the heart, 178 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,827 I should've heard a voice off camera go, 179 00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:50,616 "What about reflexes?" 180 00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:56,005 That's a pretty fucking big part of it, man. 181 00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:58,017 I don't know if you know this. 182 00:08:58,059 --> 00:08:59,799 You know what it looks like when a really fast guy 183 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,983 throws a punch at you? It looks like this. 184 00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,979 That's it. 185 00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:05,721 That's all you see, 186 00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:08,462 and magically, the side of your head starts to hurt. 187 00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:11,774 I'm like, "What the fuck? 188 00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,682 This is ridiculous." 189 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,564 I was born in Mexico. 190 00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,132 We moved to the States when I was 7 years old. 191 00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,831 Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to join the army. 192 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,919 I had it in my head that I was gonna fight in a war, 193 00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:29,608 and I don't know where it comes from, 194 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:32,176 but I believe maybe it was just something 195 00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:33,753 left over from another lifetime. 196 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,400 So, when I got to high school, 197 00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:40,144 the only thing I wanted to do was do the ROTC program. 198 00:09:40,188 --> 00:09:42,188 When I was a senior, 9/11 happened, 199 00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:45,243 and the teacher rolled in those TVs that are on wheelers, 200 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,980 and he said, "Guys, this is what's happening right now." 201 00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,502 I was standing in the back watching the footage 202 00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:52,896 and saw the airplanes going into the building, 203 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,330 and I remember the first thing that I thought was, 204 00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,727 "Oh, my God, we're going to war." 205 00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,510 I mean, I was an 18-year-old boy. 206 00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,254 That's the only thing that went through my head, really, 207 00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:02,725 that I wanted to fight. 208 00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,256 My name is Raul Sanchez, 209 00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:12,964 and I am a former illegal immigrant. 210 00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,403 That's right, yes. 211 00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:18,311 And I was also in the United States Army 212 00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,916 for four years, so yeah. 213 00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,488 [ Cheers and applause ] 214 00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,755 Yeah. Talk about taking American jobs, huh? 215 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,410 [ Laughter ] 216 00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:33,684 There wasn't a big line for that one, I'll tell you that much. 217 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,240 One question that I always had trouble answering 218 00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,716 was when people would come up to me like, 219 00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,726 "Hey, Raul, how did that feel, being illegal? 220 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:39,988 How did that feel?" 221 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:41,990 Like, I don't know, dude, I was 7. 222 00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,642 And I'm pretty sure that illegal is not something 223 00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,246 that you can feel, you know? 224 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,856 You don't go up to somebody at work and be like, 225 00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:48,297 "Hey, man, are you feeling okay? You look a little tired." 226 00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:49,653 They're like, "Actually, I woke up feeling 227 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:52,782 illegal this morning." 228 00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:55,346 You know how it is when you drink too much. 229 00:10:55,393 --> 00:11:00,183 The next thing, your head feels undocumented as fuck. 230 00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,794 Terrible feeling, that undocumented feeling. 231 00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:05,187 When people find this out about me, 232 00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,539 they always want to talk to me about 233 00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:08,578 illegal immigration politics, 234 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,894 and they find out that I don't give a shit. 235 00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,061 They almost get offended. They're like, "What?! 236 00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,587 Raul, these are the issues that we're discussing as a society. 237 00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,241 You out of all people should know that." 238 00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,935 It's like, "Dude, I dropped out of community college 239 00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,292 after three weeks. 240 00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:22,861 I should not be discussing anything." 241 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,379 That's the problem in this country. 242 00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,212 We don't go to smart people with educations 243 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,470 and degrees on the subject. 244 00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:29,382 We just ask each other. 245 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,037 It's like, "Hey, Greg, you've mailed a letter before. 246 00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:32,601 What do you think about the Supreme Court Justices' 247 00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,778 decision last week?" 248 00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,215 "I think they're a bunch of pussies! 249 00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,001 That's what I think!" 250 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,915 Dude, if your opinion on the government 251 00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:44,883 is also something that you yell at a football game, 252 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,401 it's not a good one. 253 00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:48,875 Here's the thing, I don't even have opinions 254 00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,405 on illegal immigration. I just have a hope, 255 00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,759 and my hope is that one day illegal immigration 256 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,540 gets treated with the same dignity as drinking and driving. 257 00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,146 Yeah, because in both cases, 258 00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:02,936 you are breaking the laws of the United States government. 259 00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,423 I just wish that both of them got treated 260 00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:05,862 like drinking and driving, you know? 261 00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,509 If I get caught, I get what I deserve. 262 00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:08,902 If I don't, I get Jack In The Box 263 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,685 and you leave me the fuck alone. 264 00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:16,606 Nobody got hurt. 265 00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:20,998 I made it to a house in America. 266 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:24,574 As long as you're happy, you know? 267 00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,793 As long as you find happiness. 268 00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,233 And I've heard people say, "If you want to find 269 00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,839 true happiness in life, 270 00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,099 what you have to do is you have to find something 271 00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:35,802 that you love to do and do that for a living." 272 00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,802 And that's how you find true happiness. 273 00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:39,504 But I don't believe that shit, though. 274 00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,411 You don't have to have a great job to be happy. 275 00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,886 You don't have to have that perfect job 276 00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,326 that you've always wanted since you were a kid. 277 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,812 Dude, all you got to do in this life 278 00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,422 to be happy with who you are and what you do 279 00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:53,033 is find a job where you can steal things. 280 00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:58,866 Steal things from work. 281 00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:01,038 Any time you feel shitty about your life 282 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:05,444 and what you do for a living, steal something from work. 283 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,220 And if you go, "Well, I work at McDonald's. 284 00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:11,494 I feel like shit every day," steal something every day. 285 00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,139 And don't just steal the same thing. 286 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,843 Steal something different every time. 287 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,882 So if you've worked at McDonald's for four years, 288 00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,797 you should've already built another one in your backyard. 289 00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,462 And now you're self-employed. 290 00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:32,071 [ Laughter ] 291 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,195 When I first found out I was going to Afghanistan, 292 00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,858 the captain of the training platoon came over 293 00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,513 and he just started talking to us, 294 00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,986 and he said, "Sit down." 295 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,427 Half of us went to this side of the conference table 296 00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:44,874 and the other half went this. 297 00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,561 This kid that I went through basic, 298 00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:49,698 Dennis, sat on the other side and I sat on this side. 299 00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:53,011 He said, "Charlie Company, Bravo Company." 300 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:58,359 And a couple of months while we're in Afghanistan, 301 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:02,452 Dennis got killed, and I remember thinking, like, 302 00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:03,973 "That's what decided it?" 303 00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,927 Like, just where we sat 304 00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:09,365 decided what unit we were going to, 305 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,723 and it just so happens that he got put in one 306 00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:14,723 that got in close contact with the enemy. 307 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,820 [ Clears throat ] 308 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:27,652 And they told us, yeah, that guys in Bravo Company 309 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:31,042 made contact, and... 310 00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,737 Yeah, and then they listed the casualties, you know, 311 00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:38,747 I guess in case somebody knows somebody. 312 00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,450 You know, and they said it was -- it was Dennis. 313 00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:48,276 I left the army because I was just too tired. 314 00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:52,502 I was physically and emotionally and mentally exhausted. 315 00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,113 After the army, for four years, 316 00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:55,944 I didn't know what I was gonna do. 317 00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:59,512 I was a janitor, a cash register guy, 318 00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,250 and I was getting depressed a lot, 319 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,771 and one day, I was driving 320 00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:08,335 and I was crying with anxiety, 321 00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:12,165 and I remember seeing the "Laugh Out Loud" sign. 322 00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,605 It's a comedy club in San Antonio. 323 00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:18,002 And I thought, "I guess I could use a laugh, right?" 324 00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,437 So I went, and there was something in the air. 325 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,104 I could feel it. 326 00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:23,618 If somebody crushed, there was something left in the air 327 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,011 when people were laughing, 328 00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:28,714 and it was like a Pentecostal church, 329 00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,893 and it happened to be open mike night. 330 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,980 I didn't go up that night, but I remember I wrote 331 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,279 for a whole week till the next Tuesday, 332 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:39,235 and I started there and I never stopped after that. 333 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,420 [ Cheers and applause ] 334 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:48,987 It's crazy, man. I was airborne infantry, man. 335 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,985 I used to jump out of airplanes and shit. 336 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,387 That was fucking scary, man, 337 00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:54,209 'cause I'm a little dude, you know? 338 00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:56,127 Like, every time I jumped out, it took me, like, three times 339 00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:59,832 longer than everybody to get to the ground. 340 00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,571 Like, at one point, the parachute was beneath me. 341 00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,442 I was like, "What the fuck?" 342 00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:07,014 Parachute is using me to lower itself safely to the ground. 343 00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:12,973 [ Laughter ] 344 00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,575 I was in the army, man. 345 00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:18,325 I went to visit a friend of mine back in Virginia, man. 346 00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,018 He was my squad leader in Iraq, man, 347 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,676 and we were just bullshitting the whole time 348 00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:23,849 talking about old stories, and he told me this one 349 00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:26,115 I'd completely forgotten about, man. 350 00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:30,339 We used to do this exercise called EPW and search exercises 351 00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:34,040 where we got to practice searching a body, right, 352 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,300 of an enemy to make sure, you know, there's no intel 353 00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,434 or it's got booby traps on it, right? 354 00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,296 And what happens is you get paired up with somebody, 355 00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,178 and one of you plays dead and the other one 356 00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,529 has to search through the pockets and everything. 357 00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,349 And my friend Lin, he was a private at the time. 358 00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,047 He got set up with a sergeant, 359 00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,875 and he was gonna play the dead body, 360 00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,972 Lin was, and you know what this dude -- 361 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,712 this motherfucker cut a hole in his pocket 362 00:16:56,754 --> 00:17:00,194 and stuck his dick through it, knowing full well 363 00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:02,016 that a sergeant in the United States Army 364 00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:05,204 was about to go through his pockets, right? 365 00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,201 And the sergeant starts going through this, 366 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,163 and he's all into it, like, "I'm searching the body, 367 00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,032 and now I'm recovering this," 368 00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,213 yeah, and he starts patting -- You got to start from the top. 369 00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,729 And he starts patting and he's working his way down, 370 00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,123 and we're all just grabbing each other like... 371 00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,076 You start seeing Lin's chest, like, 372 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:24,088 bouncing up, like, trying to hold his laughter 373 00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,780 'cause he knows what's about to happen. 374 00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:29,567 Finally, the sergeant gets to the dick pocket, right? 375 00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,053 And he puts his hand in it 376 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,233 and he just starts, like, "What the fuck? 377 00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,049 What, do you have gum in here, man? 378 00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,317 What the fuck is this?" 379 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:38,930 And then Lin tells me, "Dude, at some point, 380 00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:42,970 I was just trying not to get hard," 'cause... 381 00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,798 'cause he wasn't trying to jack him off, 382 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,796 but that is what he was doing. 383 00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,723 And then finally, the sergeant just goes, 384 00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,585 "Hey, man, what the fuck do you have in your pocket?" 385 00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,246 And then Lin just opens his eyes and goes, 386 00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,600 "It's my dick, sergeant." 387 00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,599 He's like, "Aaaaah!" 388 00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,431 He took his hand -- 389 00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,729 It looked like it was disintegrating like a vampire. 390 00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,386 He's like, "Aah!" 391 00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,820 He smoked the piss out of Lin, man. 392 00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,867 He had him doing, like, lunges and push ups. 393 00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:11,183 Lin was soaking wet after 30 minutes, 394 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,350 but every time the sergeant would look away, 395 00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,876 Lin would look at us and be like, 396 00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,749 "Ah, he touched my dick, didn't he?" 397 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:24,627 One time we went to Iraq, right, and we got in a firefight, 398 00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,798 and what happened was we pushed the enemy up against 399 00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:29,414 the Euphrates river, right, but we were in a palm grove, 400 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:30,936 so there was a lot of palms, there was a lot of brush. 401 00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:32,369 We couldn't see anything. 402 00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,155 And the shooting is going back and forth, 403 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,680 and all of a sudden, 404 00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,163 I hear somebody calling me to throw a grenade. 405 00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,513 They're like, "Sergeant Sanchez, throw a grenade!" 406 00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:42,033 And I'm like, "What?" 407 00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:44,427 "Throw a grenade!" I was like, "Are you sure? 408 00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,211 'Cause there's a lot of trees, man. 409 00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,036 That shit could bounce back and hit us." 410 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,524 He's like, "Just throw the fucking grenade!" 411 00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,004 I was like, "Goddamn it." 412 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,133 So I grab the grenade and I pull the pin. 413 00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,826 I get up on a knee and I chuck it as hard as I can, 414 00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,624 and then I get down for the explosion, 415 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,659 and all I hear is [Bloops] 416 00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,324 And then somebody yells at me. 417 00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,788 He's like, "Damn it, Sanchez! You threw it too far! 418 00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,318 It landed in the fucking river!" 419 00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,671 And I was like, "Well, don't yell at me. 420 00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:11,061 Like, we're on the same team." 421 00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,503 "Don't focus on the negative shit, you know?" 422 00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,195 Like, "At least now we know 423 00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:20,683 they're not in the fucking river," you know? 424 00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,294 But I think the reason I threw it so hard was 425 00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:23,805 'cause I was overcompensating, you know? 426 00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:25,208 'Cause when I was in high school, 427 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:29,781 I was on the baseball team for two days. 428 00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,210 'Cause that's how long it took me to find out 429 00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,127 that I threw like a bitch, right? 430 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,392 So it's no surprise to me when I got to basic training 431 00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,215 and all the drill sergeants were yelling at me, 432 00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,743 they're like, "Damn it, Sanchez, why can't you throw a grenade? 433 00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,216 It's just like throwing a baseball!" 434 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:43,436 I was like, "I know, it's fucking difficult. 435 00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,096 Plus, it's heavy, man. It's made out of metal. 436 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,620 I didn't know this was made out of metal." 437 00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,623 He's like, "Of course it's made out of metal! 438 00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,535 It's supposed to kill people." I was like, 439 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,150 "Well, you can catch more flies with honey, drill sergeant." 440 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,372 I thought wouldn't that be great 441 00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,281 if that's how a grenade actually worked, right? 442 00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,886 Like, you throw a grenade and a bunch of honey goes everywhere. 443 00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,637 And it actually works. Like, the enemy's like, 444 00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,678 "Well, I want to keep fighting, but I'm so sticky. 445 00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:07,254 Ugh. My neck keeps doing the thing 446 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,733 where where it sticks to your shoulder. 447 00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:12,083 I'm gonna go wash off in the river." 448 00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,393 They're like, "Oh, don't go in the river. 449 00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,739 They're throwing grenades in the river. 450 00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,089 That's how they get you. 451 00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:20,998 Honey grenade, river grenade, you know?" 452 00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,395 After a while, I think the enemy started knowing 453 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,699 when it was me throwing the grenade 454 00:20:24,745 --> 00:20:26,305 every time it landed short, you know, 455 00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,005 'cause they started doing that little league thing. 456 00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:31,452 They're like, "All right, everybody, bring it in. 457 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:34,061 Look who's coming up." 458 00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:35,452 Hey, guys, I got to get out of here, man. 459 00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,105 Thank you so much. 460 00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,368 I appreciate you guys. 461 00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:39,801 Thank you. 462 00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:43,147 [ Cheers and applause ] 463 00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:46,548 Emcee: One more time, Raul Sanchez! 464 00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:49,989 Sanchez: I suppose the way I can find the humor 465 00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:51,991 about things like being in a firefight 466 00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:54,123 or just being in the army 467 00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:57,385 is that that's what we did on our off time 468 00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,650 in Iraq and Afghanistan. 469 00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,223 There was nothing sacred. 470 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,350 The humor has to be amped up to a higher degree 471 00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:05,092 for us to find it funny. 472 00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:08,833 You can't just talk about, you know, goofy things. 473 00:21:08,876 --> 00:21:10,136 That's not gonna make us laugh 474 00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:13,181 because we could die the next day. 475 00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:16,228 I don't know if comedy's a therapy for me now. 476 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:20,055 Maybe it could've started off that way, but now I just -- 477 00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,804 I love it. 478 00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:25,145 When I go up on stage, it's like I'm about to jump out again. 479 00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,066 I feel that tug, 480 00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:29,641 and it's just a peaceful landing the whole way through. 481 00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:38,729 ♪♪ 482 00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:47,865 ♪♪ 483 00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:56,965 ♪♪ 484 00:21:57,011 --> 00:22:06,111 ♪♪ 485 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,410 Sykes: Oy vey! 486 00:22:07,456 --> 00:22:09,456 Use your knees, Page! Come on! Push it! 38270

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