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1
00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:19,764
Well, let's go down
and check out the green room.
2
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I used to date a girl
who was a musician.
3
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,766
She fancied herself a poet.
4
00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:28,719
And also a cheater.
5
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,167
She was a singer/schlong rider.
6
00:00:35,209 --> 00:00:38,429
[ Laughter ]
7
00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:42,612
My little brother just got
a promotion at his job.
8
00:00:42,651 --> 00:00:44,131
He was all excited about it.
9
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He texted me, he's like,
"Hey, man, I got the job."
10
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,267
I texted him back, I said,
"Fucking 'A,' man."
11
00:00:51,660 --> 00:00:54,710
But I left all the punctuation
out of the sentence.
12
00:00:57,448 --> 00:01:00,148
-Excited?
-Yeah, dude.
13
00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,110
Nervous, though.
I'm not gonna lie.
14
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,109
It looked like he was like,
"Hey, man, I got the job,"
15
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:08,071
and I just wrote back,
"Fucking a man."
16
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,071
Appreciate it, man.
Thank you guys for coming out.
17
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:13,643
I'm Raul Sanchez,
and I am a stand-up comedian.
18
00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:15,382
I was in the 82nd Airborne.
19
00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:18,033
Comedy gave me something
that I could do after the army.
20
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,518
I didn't know what I was
gonna do when I got out.
21
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:24,388
At the beginning, it was just
like blind hunger
22
00:01:24,432 --> 00:01:28,652
for something that
I didn't even understand.
23
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:31,957
I don't tell people that I was
in the army
24
00:01:32,004 --> 00:01:34,834
or that I fought in Iraq
or in Afghanistan.
25
00:01:37,053 --> 00:01:39,103
Stand-up comedy is a release
in that
26
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:44,102
I allow myself to talk about it,
to say that I did that.
27
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:52,940
Going up on stage, it's the same
exact level of anxiety
28
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,252
and the exact same amount
of relief
29
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:57,639
that I get jumping
out of an airplane.
30
00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,732
The doors come up,
and all you hear is [Blowing]
31
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,252
And it's just darkness
'cause you're jumping
32
00:02:02,296 --> 00:02:04,386
in the middle of the night.
33
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:06,598
Either the chute's
gonna open or it's not.
34
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,648
[ Cheers and applause ]
35
00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:10,873
Emcee: Are we ready for
our next comedian?
36
00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:20,143
♪♪
37
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:29,193
♪♪
38
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,926
He's an absolute killer,
39
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:34,276
and he was the winner of the
Funniest Comic in Texas contest.
40
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:37,898
Please welcome the hilarious
Raul Sanchez!
41
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,160
[ Cheers and applause ]
42
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:43,474
Thank you, everybody!
43
00:02:43,511 --> 00:02:45,471
Thank you.
Beautiful, awesome Texas.
44
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:47,043
Nice to be here, man.
45
00:02:47,079 --> 00:02:48,209
Capital of drinking.
46
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:51,385
I fucking love this place, dude.
47
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,348
I went to the West Coast
not too long ago.
48
00:02:55,392 --> 00:02:57,962
Went to go visit some family,
do some shows.
49
00:02:58,003 --> 00:03:02,093
It was pretty awesome, man,
but I'll tell you this, dude,
50
00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:05,398
they are not fucking around
with their pot up there, dude.
51
00:03:05,446 --> 00:03:06,876
My sister gave me some weed.
52
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:08,315
She goes, "Here you go, Raul.
53
00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:10,672
This is medical-grade pot."
54
00:03:10,712 --> 00:03:13,632
And then just left me there
with it.
55
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:15,371
Dude, is it me,
or is the word "medical"
56
00:03:15,412 --> 00:03:16,672
not the most deceiving way
57
00:03:16,718 --> 00:03:20,238
to describe how powerful
something is?
58
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:24,467
When I think of the word
"medical," I think of safety.
59
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,028
When I think of the word
"medical,"
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00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,725
I don't think sitting on a sofa
with my nails dug
61
00:03:27,772 --> 00:03:29,302
into the side of the arm rest
62
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:33,519
like I'm about to blast off
in a fucking rocket.
63
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:36,741
"Aah, this is too medical!"
64
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,911
[ Laughter ]
65
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:41,567
Dude, I got so high
I took a drink of water,
66
00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:45,092
I didn't even swallow it.
67
00:03:45,137 --> 00:03:47,177
I just walked around the house
68
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:51,007
for two hours
with water in my mouth.
69
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,058
Yeah, so you can imagine
my surprise
70
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:58,634
when I went to take another hit.
71
00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:02,983
I almost drowned in
my sister's living room.
72
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,325
Jesus.
73
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:08,164
Weed is not my friend
sometimes, man.
74
00:04:08,204 --> 00:04:10,294
You ever get so high
you suddenly realize
75
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:13,167
that you've been rambling on
for the past 20 minutes,
76
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,039
but the only part of those
20 minutes you remember
77
00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:18,780
is that last sentence
you just said?
78
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,433
But that last sentence
is so obscure,
79
00:04:20,477 --> 00:04:24,347
there's no way to trace it back
to what the fuck it was.
80
00:04:24,394 --> 00:04:26,144
You'll be there like,
"Blah, blah, blah, yeah,
81
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:27,748
but it's all done
mechanically nowadays,
82
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:29,309
so if anything,
you'd have to suck my dick.
83
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:33,876
The fuck was I talking about?"
84
00:04:33,925 --> 00:04:37,185
And you realize the entire time
85
00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:40,803
you were talking
to your grandma.
86
00:04:40,845 --> 00:04:42,405
But now she throws you
off your mug 'cause she's like,
87
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:45,106
"Well, yeah, he would have to.
It's, uh...
88
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,244
It's kind of an unwritten rule,
really."
89
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:53,512
I hope they legalize it here
in Texas, man,
90
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:54,864
'cause we need that shit.
91
00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:56,913
Yeah, dude.
[ Cheers and applause ]
92
00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:59,468
They need to legalize it.
93
00:04:59,516 --> 00:05:01,206
I got some friends that are
way too optimistic
94
00:05:01,257 --> 00:05:02,737
about that shit, though.
95
00:05:02,780 --> 00:05:04,520
They're like, "Oh, bro,
in three more years, bro,
96
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,475
we're all gonna be smoking
a joint outside the Alamo, bro.
97
00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,663
They won't be able
to tell us shit."
98
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:10,829
It's like, "Nah, dude."
I love my state, man.
99
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:13,175
I love Texas, but we're gonna be
the last motherfuckers
100
00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,395
to legalize that shit.
101
00:05:15,445 --> 00:05:16,835
Yeah, and I'll tell you why.
102
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:21,801
Because in Texas,
old people will not die.
103
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:27,461
They will not die,
and they love to vote!
104
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,374
Die!
105
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:35,027
So I can smoke a joint
outside the Alamo.
106
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,993
And good luck trying
to change their mind, man.
107
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:38,432
They're so set in their ways,
108
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,378
it doesn't matter
how good your point is, man.
109
00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:42,777
I know 'cause I've had
these arguments before.
110
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:45,870
You do realize that marijuana
is a lot safer than alcohol
111
00:05:45,910 --> 00:05:47,300
and a lot healthier
than cigarettes,
112
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,567
and if you keep it illegal,
113
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:50,259
you're just providing
the cartels
114
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,126
with a lucrative business
that only they have access to.
115
00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:53,397
But they won't listen
to that shit.
116
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,050
They'll just be like,
"All right, sir,
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00:05:55,093 --> 00:05:56,573
I'm not gonna tell you again.
Step out of your vehicle
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00:05:56,617 --> 00:06:01,057
and put your hands
behind your head."
119
00:06:01,099 --> 00:06:05,149
All right, well, maybe...
120
00:06:05,190 --> 00:06:06,760
Maybe you have a point.
121
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,631
I don't know.
122
00:06:08,672 --> 00:06:11,152
Okay.
123
00:06:13,242 --> 00:06:15,112
I grew up in a pretty tough
neighborhood, man.
124
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:17,547
I grew up in the West Side
of San Antonio.
125
00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,774
I have a friend that did
seven years in prison
126
00:06:19,814 --> 00:06:22,824
'cause he robbed
a jewelry store, and dude,
127
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:25,520
sometimes I don't like
hanging out with this dude.
128
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,779
No, every time I go over
to his house, like,
129
00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:30,562
he always wants
to play me prison games.
130
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:31,777
No, I don't mean
like weird shit.
131
00:06:31,826 --> 00:06:33,436
I mean like --
132
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,700
like, he always wants
to play me chess, you know?
133
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:38,493
He's like, "Hey, bro, let's play
a game of chess, bro."
134
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,877
"Chess, bro."
135
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,445
No, man, I don't know
how to play chess,
136
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,673
and I think it's kind of boring
to be honest with you.
137
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:50,542
He's like, "Aw, bro, see, the
reason you don't know how to
138
00:06:50,584 --> 00:06:54,984
play chess is 'cause chess --
chess is a thinking man's game."
139
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:59,204
Is it, Eddie?
140
00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:02,424
Is it a thinking man's game?
141
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,465
Or is it the game of a man
who couldn't go outside
142
00:07:04,511 --> 00:07:06,161
for seven years?
143
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:09,118
[ Laughter ]
144
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,467
Yeah, I don't know
how to play chess
145
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,427
'cause I was allowed
to go to the mall.
146
00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,831
Why don't we just have
a toothbrush-sharpening contest
147
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:19,831
while we're at it,
you fucking maniac?
148
00:07:23,878 --> 00:07:25,918
Incredible, man.
149
00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,927
I used to box.
150
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:30,449
No, I should say I tried boxing
for two weeks.
151
00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:37,069
It went, as white people
like to say, no bueno.
152
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:42,978
[ Laughter ]
153
00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,987
It was tough.
154
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:47,159
[ Laughter ]
155
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,262
You know why I tried it?
156
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:58,129
Because I saw this documentary
on all Mexican boxers, right,
157
00:07:58,173 --> 00:08:00,353
and those motherfuckers
got me all riled up.
158
00:08:00,392 --> 00:08:02,872
You know, this dude came on
the screen and he's just like,
159
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:05,617
"I don't know what it is
about us Mexicans and boxing.
160
00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:08,139
I guess it's just in our blood."
161
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:10,233
And I'm looking at it.
"It is in out blood, man.
162
00:08:10,272 --> 00:08:12,062
I'm fucking boxing," right?
163
00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,360
And all of a sudden,
Julio César Chávez comes out,
164
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,706
who's arguably the greatest
Mexican boxer of all time.
165
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:18,277
He looks into the camera
and he goes,
166
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:20,283
"You only need one thing
to be a great boxer.
167
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:21,975
It's called a heart."
168
00:08:22,023 --> 00:08:24,593
And I'm like, "I'm Mexican
and I got a fucking heart, dude.
169
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:27,904
I'm laying dudes out, man,
I'm telling you."
170
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:31,822
Two weeks later, this kid
lit me up so bad, dude.
171
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:33,769
I went home mad.
I was like, "All right,
172
00:08:33,817 --> 00:08:36,337
I'm not gonna say that
Julio César Chávez is a liar,
173
00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:39,205
but he definitely
withheld some information, man.
174
00:08:39,257 --> 00:08:41,907
There's a lot more to it
than heart."
175
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,346
You know, and personally,
176
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:45,092
I blame the director
of that documentary,
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00:08:45,133 --> 00:08:46,873
'cause as soon as Chávez said
that shit about the heart,
178
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:48,827
I should've heard a voice
off camera go,
179
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:50,616
"What about reflexes?"
180
00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:56,005
That's a pretty fucking
big part of it, man.
181
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:58,017
I don't know if you know this.
182
00:08:58,059 --> 00:08:59,799
You know what it looks like
when a really fast guy
183
00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,983
throws a punch at you?
It looks like this.
184
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,979
That's it.
185
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:05,721
That's all you see,
186
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:08,462
and magically, the side
of your head starts to hurt.
187
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:11,774
I'm like, "What the fuck?
188
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:13,682
This is ridiculous."
189
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:19,564
I was born in Mexico.
190
00:09:19,602 --> 00:09:23,132
We moved to the States
when I was 7 years old.
191
00:09:23,171 --> 00:09:25,831
Ever since I was a kid,
I wanted to join the army.
192
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,919
I had it in my head that I was
gonna fight in a war,
193
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:29,608
and I don't know
where it comes from,
194
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:32,176
but I believe maybe it was
just something
195
00:09:32,223 --> 00:09:33,753
left over
from another lifetime.
196
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,400
So, when I got to high school,
197
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:40,144
the only thing I wanted to do
was do the ROTC program.
198
00:09:40,188 --> 00:09:42,188
When I was a senior,
9/11 happened,
199
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:45,243
and the teacher rolled in
those TVs that are on wheelers,
200
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,980
and he said, "Guys, this is
what's happening right now."
201
00:09:48,022 --> 00:09:50,502
I was standing in the back
watching the footage
202
00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:52,896
and saw the airplanes
going into the building,
203
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,330
and I remember the first thing
that I thought was,
204
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,727
"Oh, my God,
we're going to war."
205
00:09:56,770 --> 00:09:58,510
I mean, I was
an 18-year-old boy.
206
00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,254
That's the only thing that
went through my head, really,
207
00:10:00,295 --> 00:10:02,725
that I wanted to fight.
208
00:10:07,476 --> 00:10:09,256
My name is Raul Sanchez,
209
00:10:09,304 --> 00:10:12,964
and I am a former
illegal immigrant.
210
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:16,403
That's right, yes.
211
00:10:16,441 --> 00:10:18,311
And I was also
in the United States Army
212
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,916
for four years, so yeah.
213
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,488
[ Cheers and applause ]
214
00:10:23,535 --> 00:10:26,755
Yeah. Talk about taking
American jobs, huh?
215
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,410
[ Laughter ]
216
00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:33,684
There wasn't a big line for that
one, I'll tell you that much.
217
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,240
One question that I always
had trouble answering
218
00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:36,716
was when people
would come up to me like,
219
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,726
"Hey, Raul, how did that feel,
being illegal?
220
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:39,988
How did that feel?"
221
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:41,990
Like, I don't know, dude,
I was 7.
222
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,642
And I'm pretty sure that illegal
is not something
223
00:10:43,686 --> 00:10:45,246
that you can feel, you know?
224
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,856
You don't go up to somebody
at work and be like,
225
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:48,297
"Hey, man, are you feeling okay?
You look a little tired."
226
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:49,653
They're like, "Actually,
I woke up feeling
227
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:52,782
illegal this morning."
228
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:55,346
You know how it is
when you drink too much.
229
00:10:55,393 --> 00:11:00,183
The next thing, your head
feels undocumented as fuck.
230
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,794
Terrible feeling,
that undocumented feeling.
231
00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:05,187
When people find this out
about me,
232
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:06,539
they always want
to talk to me about
233
00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:08,578
illegal immigration politics,
234
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,894
and they find out
that I don't give a shit.
235
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,061
They almost get offended.
They're like, "What?!
236
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,587
Raul, these are the issues that
we're discussing as a society.
237
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,241
You out of all people
should know that."
238
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,935
It's like, "Dude, I dropped out
of community college
239
00:11:18,982 --> 00:11:20,292
after three weeks.
240
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:22,861
I should not be discussing
anything."
241
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,379
That's the problem
in this country.
242
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,212
We don't go to smart people
with educations
243
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,470
and degrees on the subject.
244
00:11:27,512 --> 00:11:29,382
We just ask each other.
245
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:31,037
It's like, "Hey, Greg,
you've mailed a letter before.
246
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:32,601
What do you think about
the Supreme Court Justices'
247
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,778
decision last week?"
248
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,215
"I think they're a bunch
of pussies!
249
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,001
That's what I think!"
250
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,915
Dude, if your opinion
on the government
251
00:11:42,963 --> 00:11:44,883
is also something that you yell
at a football game,
252
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,401
it's not a good one.
253
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:48,875
Here's the thing,
I don't even have opinions
254
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:51,405
on illegal immigration.
I just have a hope,
255
00:11:51,449 --> 00:11:53,759
and my hope is that one day
illegal immigration
256
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:57,540
gets treated with the same
dignity as drinking and driving.
257
00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,146
Yeah, because in both cases,
258
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:02,936
you are breaking the laws
of the United States government.
259
00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,423
I just wish that both of them
got treated
260
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:05,862
like drinking and driving,
you know?
261
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:07,509
If I get caught,
I get what I deserve.
262
00:12:07,552 --> 00:12:08,902
If I don't, I get
Jack In The Box
263
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,685
and you leave me
the fuck alone.
264
00:12:12,906 --> 00:12:16,606
Nobody got hurt.
265
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:20,998
I made it to a house in America.
266
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:24,574
As long as you're happy,
you know?
267
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:26,793
As long as you find happiness.
268
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,233
And I've heard people say,
"If you want to find
269
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,839
true happiness in life,
270
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:32,099
what you have to do
is you have to find something
271
00:12:32,142 --> 00:12:35,802
that you love to do
and do that for a living."
272
00:12:35,842 --> 00:12:37,802
And that's how you find
true happiness.
273
00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:39,504
But I don't believe that shit,
though.
274
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,411
You don't have to have
a great job to be happy.
275
00:12:41,456 --> 00:12:42,886
You don't have to have
that perfect job
276
00:12:42,936 --> 00:12:44,326
that you've always wanted
since you were a kid.
277
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,812
Dude, all you got to do
in this life
278
00:12:45,852 --> 00:12:48,422
to be happy with who you are
and what you do
279
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:53,033
is find a job
where you can steal things.
280
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:58,866
Steal things from work.
281
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:01,038
Any time you feel shitty
about your life
282
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:05,444
and what you do for a living,
steal something from work.
283
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,220
And if you go,
"Well, I work at McDonald's.
284
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:11,494
I feel like shit every day,"
steal something every day.
285
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,139
And don't just steal
the same thing.
286
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,843
Steal something different
every time.
287
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,882
So if you've worked
at McDonald's for four years,
288
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:20,797
you should've already built
another one in your backyard.
289
00:13:24,542 --> 00:13:26,462
And now you're self-employed.
290
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:32,071
[ Laughter ]
291
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,195
When I first found out
I was going to Afghanistan,
292
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,858
the captain of the training
platoon came over
293
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,513
and he just started
talking to us,
294
00:13:38,556 --> 00:13:40,986
and he said, "Sit down."
295
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,427
Half of us went to this side
of the conference table
296
00:13:43,474 --> 00:13:44,874
and the other half went this.
297
00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:46,561
This kid that I went
through basic,
298
00:13:46,608 --> 00:13:49,698
Dennis, sat on the other side
and I sat on this side.
299
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:53,011
He said, "Charlie Company,
Bravo Company."
300
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:58,359
And a couple of months
while we're in Afghanistan,
301
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:02,452
Dennis got killed,
and I remember thinking, like,
302
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:03,973
"That's what decided it?"
303
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,927
Like, just where we sat
304
00:14:05,975 --> 00:14:09,365
decided what unit
we were going to,
305
00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,723
and it just so happens
that he got put in one
306
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:14,723
that got in close contact
with the enemy.
307
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,820
[ Clears throat ]
308
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:27,652
And they told us, yeah,
that guys in Bravo Company
309
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:31,042
made contact, and...
310
00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,737
Yeah, and then they listed
the casualties, you know,
311
00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:38,747
I guess in case
somebody knows somebody.
312
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:41,450
You know, and they said
it was -- it was Dennis.
313
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:48,276
I left the army
because I was just too tired.
314
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:52,502
I was physically and emotionally
and mentally exhausted.
315
00:14:52,543 --> 00:14:54,113
After the army, for four years,
316
00:14:54,154 --> 00:14:55,944
I didn't know
what I was gonna do.
317
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:59,512
I was a janitor,
a cash register guy,
318
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,250
and I was getting
depressed a lot,
319
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,771
and one day, I was driving
320
00:15:03,815 --> 00:15:08,335
and I was crying with anxiety,
321
00:15:08,385 --> 00:15:12,165
and I remember seeing
the "Laugh Out Loud" sign.
322
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:14,605
It's a comedy club
in San Antonio.
323
00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:18,002
And I thought, "I guess
I could use a laugh, right?"
324
00:15:18,047 --> 00:15:20,437
So I went, and there was
something in the air.
325
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,104
I could feel it.
326
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:23,618
If somebody crushed, there was
something left in the air
327
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,011
when people were laughing,
328
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:28,714
and it was like
a Pentecostal church,
329
00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:30,893
and it happened
to be open mike night.
330
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,980
I didn't go up that night,
but I remember I wrote
331
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,279
for a whole week
till the next Tuesday,
332
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:39,235
and I started there
and I never stopped after that.
333
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,420
[ Cheers and applause ]
334
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:48,987
It's crazy, man.
I was airborne infantry, man.
335
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:50,985
I used to jump out of airplanes
and shit.
336
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,387
That was fucking scary, man,
337
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:54,209
'cause I'm a little dude,
you know?
338
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:56,127
Like, every time I jumped out,
it took me, like, three times
339
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:59,832
longer than everybody
to get to the ground.
340
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,571
Like, at one point,
the parachute was beneath me.
341
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,442
I was like, "What the fuck?"
342
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:07,014
Parachute is using me to lower
itself safely to the ground.
343
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:12,973
[ Laughter ]
344
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:14,575
I was in the army, man.
345
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:18,325
I went to visit a friend of mine
back in Virginia, man.
346
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,018
He was my squad leader
in Iraq, man,
347
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,676
and we were just bullshitting
the whole time
348
00:16:21,719 --> 00:16:23,849
talking about old stories,
and he told me this one
349
00:16:23,895 --> 00:16:26,115
I'd completely
forgotten about, man.
350
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:30,339
We used to do this exercise
called EPW and search exercises
351
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:34,040
where we got to practice
searching a body, right,
352
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:37,300
of an enemy to make sure,
you know, there's no intel
353
00:16:37,344 --> 00:16:39,434
or it's got booby traps on it,
right?
354
00:16:39,476 --> 00:16:41,296
And what happens is you get
paired up with somebody,
355
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,178
and one of you plays dead
and the other one
356
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,529
has to search through
the pockets and everything.
357
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:47,349
And my friend Lin,
he was a private at the time.
358
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:49,047
He got set up with a sergeant,
359
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,875
and he was gonna play
the dead body,
360
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,972
Lin was, and you know
what this dude --
361
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,712
this motherfucker cut a hole
in his pocket
362
00:16:56,754 --> 00:17:00,194
and stuck his dick through it,
knowing full well
363
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:02,016
that a sergeant
in the United States Army
364
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:05,204
was about to go
through his pockets, right?
365
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,201
And the sergeant starts going
through this,
366
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,163
and he's all into it, like,
"I'm searching the body,
367
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:11,032
and now I'm recovering this,"
368
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,213
yeah, and he starts patting --
You got to start from the top.
369
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,729
And he starts patting
and he's working his way down,
370
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:18,123
and we're all just grabbing
each other like...
371
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:22,076
You start seeing Lin's chest,
like,
372
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:24,088
bouncing up, like,
trying to hold his laughter
373
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:25,780
'cause he knows
what's about to happen.
374
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:29,567
Finally, the sergeant gets
to the dick pocket, right?
375
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:31,053
And he puts his hand in it
376
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,233
and he just starts, like,
"What the fuck?
377
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,049
What, do you have gum
in here, man?
378
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,317
What the fuck is this?"
379
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:38,930
And then Lin tells me,
"Dude, at some point,
380
00:17:38,970 --> 00:17:42,970
I was just trying not
to get hard," 'cause...
381
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:44,798
'cause he wasn't trying
to jack him off,
382
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,796
but that is what he was doing.
383
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,723
And then finally,
the sergeant just goes,
384
00:17:50,765 --> 00:17:52,585
"Hey, man, what the fuck
do you have in your pocket?"
385
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:54,246
And then Lin just opens his eyes
and goes,
386
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,600
"It's my dick, sergeant."
387
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,599
He's like, "Aaaaah!"
388
00:17:57,641 --> 00:17:59,431
He took his hand --
389
00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:01,729
It looked like it was
disintegrating like a vampire.
390
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,386
He's like, "Aah!"
391
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,820
He smoked the piss
out of Lin, man.
392
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:08,867
He had him doing, like, lunges
and push ups.
393
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:11,183
Lin was soaking wet
after 30 minutes,
394
00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,350
but every time
the sergeant would look away,
395
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,876
Lin would look at us
and be like,
396
00:18:14,919 --> 00:18:16,749
"Ah, he touched my dick,
didn't he?"
397
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:24,627
One time we went to Iraq, right,
and we got in a firefight,
398
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,798
and what happened was we pushed
the enemy up against
399
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:29,414
the Euphrates river, right,
but we were in a palm grove,
400
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:30,936
so there was a lot of palms,
there was a lot of brush.
401
00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:32,369
We couldn't see anything.
402
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,155
And the shooting is
going back and forth,
403
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,680
and all of a sudden,
404
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:37,163
I hear somebody calling me
to throw a grenade.
405
00:18:37,203 --> 00:18:39,513
They're like, "Sergeant Sanchez,
throw a grenade!"
406
00:18:39,553 --> 00:18:42,033
And I'm like, "What?"
407
00:18:42,077 --> 00:18:44,427
"Throw a grenade!"
I was like, "Are you sure?
408
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,211
'Cause there's a lot
of trees, man.
409
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:49,036
That shit could bounce back
and hit us."
410
00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,524
He's like, "Just throw
the fucking grenade!"
411
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,004
I was like, "Goddamn it."
412
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,133
So I grab the grenade
and I pull the pin.
413
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:56,826
I get up on a knee and I chuck
it as hard as I can,
414
00:18:56,874 --> 00:18:58,624
and then I get down
for the explosion,
415
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,659
and all I hear is [Bloops]
416
00:19:00,704 --> 00:19:02,324
And then somebody yells at me.
417
00:19:02,358 --> 00:19:03,788
He's like, "Damn it, Sanchez!
You threw it too far!
418
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,318
It landed in the fucking river!"
419
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:07,671
And I was like,
"Well, don't yell at me.
420
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:11,061
Like, we're on the same team."
421
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,503
"Don't focus on the negative
shit, you know?"
422
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:17,195
Like, "At least now we know
423
00:19:17,243 --> 00:19:20,683
they're not in
the fucking river," you know?
424
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:22,294
But I think the reason
I threw it so hard was
425
00:19:22,335 --> 00:19:23,805
'cause I was overcompensating,
you know?
426
00:19:23,858 --> 00:19:25,208
'Cause when I was
in high school,
427
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:29,781
I was on the baseball team
for two days.
428
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,210
'Cause that's how long
it took me to find out
429
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,127
that I threw like a bitch,
right?
430
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,392
So it's no surprise to me
when I got to basic training
431
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,215
and all the drill sergeants
were yelling at me,
432
00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,743
they're like, "Damn it, Sanchez,
why can't you throw a grenade?
433
00:19:38,786 --> 00:19:40,216
It's just like throwing
a baseball!"
434
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:43,436
I was like, "I know,
it's fucking difficult.
435
00:19:43,486 --> 00:19:45,096
Plus, it's heavy, man.
It's made out of metal.
436
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,620
I didn't know this was made
out of metal."
437
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,623
He's like, "Of course
it's made out of metal!
438
00:19:48,665 --> 00:19:50,535
It's supposed to kill people."
I was like,
439
00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:53,150
"Well, you can catch more flies
with honey, drill sergeant."
440
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,372
I thought wouldn't that be great
441
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,281
if that's how a grenade
actually worked, right?
442
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,886
Like, you throw a grenade and a
bunch of honey goes everywhere.
443
00:19:59,937 --> 00:20:01,637
And it actually works.
Like, the enemy's like,
444
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,678
"Well, I want to keep fighting,
but I'm so sticky.
445
00:20:03,724 --> 00:20:07,254
Ugh.
My neck keeps doing the thing
446
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,733
where where it sticks
to your shoulder.
447
00:20:09,773 --> 00:20:12,083
I'm gonna go wash off
in the river."
448
00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:13,393
They're like,
"Oh, don't go in the river.
449
00:20:13,429 --> 00:20:15,739
They're throwing grenades
in the river.
450
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:17,089
That's how they get you.
451
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:20,998
Honey grenade,
river grenade, you know?"
452
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:23,395
After a while, I think
the enemy started knowing
453
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,699
when it was me
throwing the grenade
454
00:20:24,745 --> 00:20:26,305
every time it landed short,
you know,
455
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,005
'cause they started doing
that little league thing.
456
00:20:28,052 --> 00:20:31,452
They're like, "All right,
everybody, bring it in.
457
00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:34,061
Look who's coming up."
458
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:35,452
Hey, guys, I got to
get out of here, man.
459
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,105
Thank you so much.
460
00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,368
I appreciate you guys.
461
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:39,801
Thank you.
462
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:43,147
[ Cheers and applause ]
463
00:20:43,198 --> 00:20:46,548
Emcee:
One more time, Raul Sanchez!
464
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:49,989
Sanchez: I suppose the way
I can find the humor
465
00:20:50,031 --> 00:20:51,991
about things like
being in a firefight
466
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:54,123
or just being in the army
467
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:57,385
is that that's what we did
on our off time
468
00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:59,650
in Iraq and Afghanistan.
469
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,223
There was nothing sacred.
470
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,350
The humor has to be amped up
to a higher degree
471
00:21:03,392 --> 00:21:05,092
for us to find it funny.
472
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:08,833
You can't just talk about,
you know, goofy things.
473
00:21:08,876 --> 00:21:10,136
That's not gonna make us laugh
474
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:13,181
because we could die
the next day.
475
00:21:13,228 --> 00:21:16,228
I don't know if comedy's
a therapy for me now.
476
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:20,055
Maybe it could've started off
that way, but now I just --
477
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,804
I love it.
478
00:21:21,845 --> 00:21:25,145
When I go up on stage, it's like
I'm about to jump out again.
479
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:27,066
I feel that tug,
480
00:21:27,111 --> 00:21:29,641
and it's just a peaceful landing
the whole way through.
481
00:21:29,679 --> 00:21:38,729
♪♪
482
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:47,865
♪♪
483
00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:56,965
♪♪
484
00:21:57,011 --> 00:22:06,111
♪♪
485
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,410
Sykes: Oy vey!
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Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!
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