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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,880 This programme contains adult humour and some strong language 2 00:00:19,755 --> 00:00:23,275 Here, here, I could swear I just saw a half-brick 3 00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:25,715 that was the other half of a half-brick 4 00:00:25,715 --> 00:00:27,835 I saw on a bit of spare ground when I was about 18. 5 00:00:32,715 --> 00:00:36,275 I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all. 6 00:00:36,275 --> 00:00:38,355 Aye, got his heid trapped in a turnstile, but. 7 00:00:38,355 --> 00:00:40,035 Missed the first half. 8 00:00:41,115 --> 00:00:42,635 Poor old bugger, man. 9 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,555 What's up? 10 00:00:47,555 --> 00:00:49,995 Oh, right. Excalibur. 11 00:00:51,835 --> 00:00:53,075 What is it? 12 00:00:53,075 --> 00:00:55,915 Just a magical sword thing. It's been here for years. 13 00:00:55,915 --> 00:00:57,435 It's a belter, man. 14 00:00:59,235 --> 00:01:01,115 Aye. Anyway, you coming? 15 00:01:01,115 --> 00:01:03,635 This pub's always heaving and I want to get a seat. 16 00:01:03,635 --> 00:01:04,995 You ever tried to pull it out? 17 00:01:04,995 --> 00:01:07,115 Aye, when I was a wee guy, aye. 18 00:01:07,115 --> 00:01:08,395 It doesnae come out. 19 00:01:08,395 --> 00:01:11,995 People just mainly use it for cutting their sausage suppers in half. 20 00:01:11,995 --> 00:01:13,995 Know what I mean? On the way back from the pub. 21 00:01:13,995 --> 00:01:16,115 Geez a minute, man. 22 00:01:23,555 --> 00:01:24,955 THEY LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY 23 00:01:24,955 --> 00:01:28,435 - No way, man! - It was easy, man. It just came oot. 24 00:01:28,435 --> 00:01:31,875 Because you were destined to take the sword. 25 00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:37,915 You were born to wield Excalibur, young... 26 00:01:37,915 --> 00:01:39,275 What is your name? 27 00:01:39,275 --> 00:01:41,115 Mad Wullie. 28 00:01:41,115 --> 00:01:45,515 Young Mad Wullie, the sword is yours. 29 00:01:45,515 --> 00:01:47,795 You are our champion. 30 00:01:48,795 --> 00:01:54,555 Yas, excellent, I'm the champion! Championes, championes! 31 00:01:54,555 --> 00:01:57,675 Aye, right, that's good, but listen. You'll no get into the pub with that. 32 00:01:57,675 --> 00:02:00,435 Oh, naw, here, he's right, old yin. I'll no get in the pub with this. 33 00:02:00,435 --> 00:02:04,795 The pub is the least of your concerns with evil rising. 34 00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:07,475 It's dead heavy an' all. Any chance I could just stick it back in 35 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,595 and I'll pick it up on the way back from the boozer? 36 00:02:09,595 --> 00:02:12,555 - It was a magical seal. You can't... - Here, Wullie. 37 00:02:12,555 --> 00:02:14,755 There's an old used bin bag here, you could use that. 38 00:02:14,755 --> 00:02:17,155 Aye, good idea. Hold on, but. 39 00:02:17,155 --> 00:02:18,995 I've got a bit of shite on my shoe here, look. 40 00:02:18,995 --> 00:02:22,515 - This'll help me scrape it off. - Please don't. 41 00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:26,555 There we go. Right, old yin - 42 00:02:26,555 --> 00:02:29,155 that's it in this bin bag, right? 43 00:02:29,155 --> 00:02:32,115 Punt it in there. That'll dae. 44 00:02:32,115 --> 00:02:35,675 You stay and keep an eye on it as well, Granda'? All right? 45 00:02:35,675 --> 00:02:39,435 Come on Brian, let's go to the boozer and get leathered, right? 46 00:02:43,715 --> 00:02:47,075 How goes our champion, Sir Arthur? 47 00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:49,955 My lady, our champion is... 48 00:02:52,195 --> 00:02:53,875 ..a fanny. 49 00:02:59,595 --> 00:03:02,355 All right? I'm Jolly Boy John. 50 00:03:02,355 --> 00:03:04,835 Jolly Boy John's radiator no working is for real. 51 00:03:04,835 --> 00:03:08,115 Jolly Boy John phoning a plumber and asking him to bleed his radiators 52 00:03:08,115 --> 00:03:11,195 but saying dadilators instead of radiators is for real. 53 00:03:11,195 --> 00:03:15,155 Over here immediately and bleed my dadilators! 54 00:03:16,595 --> 00:03:19,155 For real! Jolly Boy John hiding under his bed 55 00:03:19,155 --> 00:03:21,955 and rolling picked onions at a plumber's feet is for real. 56 00:03:30,515 --> 00:03:32,755 Bleed my dadilators! 57 00:03:34,395 --> 00:03:36,955 Jolly Boy John strumming a pickled onion in his belly button 58 00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:38,715 while his maw's wet tights are dryin' out 59 00:03:38,715 --> 00:03:40,075 and a big packet of frozen mince 60 00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:41,915 is defrosting on the dadilator is for real. 61 00:03:44,155 --> 00:03:47,715 Tights! Mince! Dadilator! Tights! Mince! Dadilator! 62 00:03:49,235 --> 00:03:53,315 Time for your dinner, ladies. For real! 63 00:03:53,315 --> 00:03:56,795 Bear Grylls, Elton John, Ronald MacDonald, 64 00:03:56,795 --> 00:03:59,035 youse all swan about, all mad dancing together 65 00:03:59,035 --> 00:04:01,915 trying to be as for real as Jolly Boy John. Get real! 66 00:04:07,555 --> 00:04:10,875 Dom and Tom Toms are twins. 67 00:04:10,875 --> 00:04:13,115 They've lived together all their life. 68 00:04:13,115 --> 00:04:18,675 Me and my brother, Dom, we're like two pieces of pea in the same pod. 69 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,075 We dress alike, talk alike, 70 00:04:21,075 --> 00:04:22,675 we even finish each other's... 71 00:04:22,675 --> 00:04:25,275 - Sandwiches. - ..sentences. 72 00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:28,915 We both run an antique metalwork shop on the High Street, 73 00:04:28,915 --> 00:04:31,995 called Rustified And Ancient. 74 00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:34,435 We love nothing more than to encourage people to come down 75 00:04:34,435 --> 00:04:35,915 and have a dig through our... 76 00:04:35,915 --> 00:04:37,475 - Trousers. - ..treasures. 77 00:04:37,475 --> 00:04:39,275 We never married. 78 00:04:40,595 --> 00:04:43,235 Just never seemed to find the time. 79 00:04:43,235 --> 00:04:45,795 Although we have had our fair share of... 80 00:04:45,795 --> 00:04:48,715 - Restraining orders. - ..relationships. 81 00:04:48,715 --> 00:04:49,995 Relationships. 82 00:04:56,515 --> 00:04:59,755 At night, after dinner, 83 00:04:59,755 --> 00:05:03,675 we like to settle down, discuss our day, and share.. 84 00:05:03,675 --> 00:05:06,555 - A bath. - ..a beer. 85 00:05:06,555 --> 00:05:09,115 People often ask if we get lonely, 86 00:05:09,115 --> 00:05:13,115 but we do enjoy each other's company, 87 00:05:13,115 --> 00:05:16,275 and with no wives and no children, 88 00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,835 let me tell you, the world is our... 89 00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:20,875 - Enemy. - ..oyster. 90 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:23,635 It's an oyster. 91 00:05:23,635 --> 00:05:28,555 We hate the thought of anyone feeling sorry for us. 92 00:05:28,555 --> 00:05:31,675 We're actually very philosophical about our lot. 93 00:05:31,675 --> 00:05:34,195 As they say, life is like a box of... 94 00:05:34,195 --> 00:05:37,555 - Condoms. - ..chocolates. 95 00:05:37,555 --> 00:05:38,915 Chocolates. 96 00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:42,755 Honestly, he has driven me to... 97 00:05:42,755 --> 00:05:45,235 - Disneyland. - ..distraction. 98 00:05:46,315 --> 00:05:50,635 Although, to be fair, he has once driven me to Disneyland, 99 00:05:50,635 --> 00:05:52,955 when we were on the run from the polis. 100 00:05:59,515 --> 00:06:04,155 Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs... 101 00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:07,475 - Bugger you. - Bugger YOU! 102 00:06:20,635 --> 00:06:23,195 You wanted to see the two legends, gaffer? 103 00:06:23,195 --> 00:06:24,995 Bought you a wee happy meal, gaffer. 104 00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,235 A wee present for you, you know that way? 105 00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:29,475 I don't want a happy meal, Toshan. 106 00:06:29,475 --> 00:06:32,115 I'm a grown man, a very unhappy grown man. 107 00:06:32,115 --> 00:06:35,595 Aw, listen, if people are still making complaints about us then I am shocked, 108 00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:37,995 because we have been quality polis for the last... 109 00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,755 - ..day or so. - Quality polis all the way. 110 00:06:41,755 --> 00:06:44,035 Nae stealing nothing, nae leathering anybody, 111 00:06:44,035 --> 00:06:46,155 nae boozing, nae rolling joints, 112 00:06:46,155 --> 00:06:48,875 nae strippers, nae knocking caravans. 113 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,115 That's plenty, Toshan. 114 00:06:51,155 --> 00:06:53,955 I've a statement here from one Paul Young. 115 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:56,915 - What, the singer from the '80s? - Belter! 116 00:06:56,915 --> 00:06:58,875 Wherever I lay my hat 117 00:06:58,875 --> 00:07:00,675 That's my home. 118 00:07:03,275 --> 00:07:05,795 Away and live in the bin, then. 119 00:07:07,075 --> 00:07:11,115 Not the singer. He's a fellow who wanted our help when his car was stolen. 120 00:07:11,115 --> 00:07:13,155 Aw, that big diddy? What's he been sayin'? 121 00:07:13,155 --> 00:07:17,675 He said "I was shocked to have the police tell me that my stolen car 122 00:07:17,675 --> 00:07:20,115 "was, in their words, 123 00:07:20,115 --> 00:07:21,315 "a shanner anyway." 124 00:07:23,675 --> 00:07:25,275 Aw, it was, but. 125 00:07:25,275 --> 00:07:27,075 Was, gaffer. A total shanner. 126 00:07:27,075 --> 00:07:30,355 "The two officers then went on to criticise my CD collection 127 00:07:30,355 --> 00:07:34,435 "and then demanded a shot on my home treadmill, 128 00:07:34,435 --> 00:07:37,035 - "which led to the fatter officer..." - That's you, McGregor. 129 00:07:37,035 --> 00:07:39,835 "..smashing through my patio doors." 130 00:07:39,835 --> 00:07:42,155 I've another complaint here from a Mrs Adams, 131 00:07:42,155 --> 00:07:45,835 who said she spotted both of you - her words - 132 00:07:45,835 --> 00:07:49,515 "In my back garden bouncing on my daughter's trampoline at four in the morning. 133 00:07:49,515 --> 00:07:51,075 "The fatter officer..." 134 00:07:51,075 --> 00:07:52,195 That's you, McGregor. 135 00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:54,835 "..dressed in my underwear, stolen from the washing line." 136 00:07:54,835 --> 00:07:58,395 We were probably undercover or something. I cannae mind. 137 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:02,995 I don't want to see youse back in here for a month. Suspended! 138 00:08:02,995 --> 00:08:04,235 Hey! 139 00:08:04,235 --> 00:08:06,235 Where are you going? Forgetting something? 140 00:08:09,035 --> 00:08:11,715 I'm tired of peppering you pair, so I am. 141 00:08:16,275 --> 00:08:19,235 THEY SCREAM AND GROAN 142 00:08:24,315 --> 00:08:26,875 TV: 'Northern Ireland, the Lake District...' 143 00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:30,235 SHE SCREAMS 144 00:08:30,235 --> 00:08:32,715 - What's the matter? - Nothing. 145 00:08:32,715 --> 00:08:34,235 Just needed a wee scream. 146 00:08:35,995 --> 00:08:37,755 What a psycho. 147 00:08:39,115 --> 00:08:41,395 Do you ever feel like you need a wee scream 148 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,675 without looking like a total psycho? 149 00:08:43,675 --> 00:08:44,795 I certainly do. 150 00:08:44,795 --> 00:08:48,035 That's why I invented our brand new Ciderson's Screambox. 151 00:08:50,555 --> 00:08:52,835 HE SCREAMS 152 00:08:54,675 --> 00:08:56,595 Our productivity has... 153 00:08:56,595 --> 00:08:57,835 'No matter where or when...' 154 00:08:57,835 --> 00:09:03,555 ..so we can see the rewards of our long-term planning starting to... 155 00:09:03,555 --> 00:09:06,715 THEY ALL SCREAM 156 00:09:11,235 --> 00:09:12,715 '..or with whom.' 157 00:09:12,715 --> 00:09:15,915 I thought we might maybe have a wee romantic... 158 00:09:20,795 --> 00:09:22,475 ..the night. 159 00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:26,115 SHE SCREAMS 160 00:09:26,115 --> 00:09:29,315 The Screambox is there to help. 161 00:09:29,315 --> 00:09:32,555 I came up with this idea when one of my food products failed to sell 162 00:09:32,555 --> 00:09:35,275 and I lost my house and my wife and my children. 163 00:09:38,075 --> 00:09:40,355 HE SCREAMS 164 00:09:41,955 --> 00:09:45,715 I still cannae believe you pulled that mad big sword out, man. 165 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:47,915 I know, man. Mental, in't it? 166 00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:49,475 Here we go, man. 167 00:09:52,715 --> 00:09:55,795 Here, old yin. They sausage rolls ready yet? 168 00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,995 Brilliant wee place this, in't it? 169 00:10:08,995 --> 00:10:10,435 Aye, nice grub. 170 00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:13,475 Have you noticed anything, but? 171 00:10:13,475 --> 00:10:15,475 What? 172 00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:18,875 Look at the other punters in here. 173 00:10:29,915 --> 00:10:32,115 HE SNIFFS HARD Snobby. 174 00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:33,435 Aye, snobby. 175 00:10:33,435 --> 00:10:35,235 Is this a snobby joint? 176 00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,755 Is this a snobby joint? 177 00:10:36,755 --> 00:10:38,595 What's it called? 178 00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:40,875 Capoeira. Is that a snobby word? 179 00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:42,515 It's a Brazilian word, I think. 180 00:10:42,515 --> 00:10:44,475 Is it a snobby Brazilian word? 181 00:10:44,475 --> 00:10:47,035 I don't know if there are any snobs in Brazil. 182 00:10:48,195 --> 00:10:49,675 Here, mate! 183 00:10:49,675 --> 00:10:52,675 Is there snobs in Brazil? 184 00:10:52,675 --> 00:10:54,915 Excuse me? 185 00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,595 Hear that? "Excuse me." 186 00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:59,675 - Who says that? - Exactly. Snobby. 187 00:10:59,675 --> 00:11:01,675 Excuse me. 188 00:11:03,395 --> 00:11:04,435 Is this a snobby joint? 189 00:11:04,435 --> 00:11:06,155 What do you mean? 190 00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:08,395 Is this one of they snobby joints with snobby people 191 00:11:08,395 --> 00:11:09,795 looking down on people like us? 192 00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:12,515 It's a mix. Is there a problem? 193 00:11:12,515 --> 00:11:15,195 Listen, mate. Why do people come here? 194 00:11:15,195 --> 00:11:18,035 Is it to prove how special they are? 195 00:11:18,035 --> 00:11:20,115 Here, mate! 196 00:11:20,115 --> 00:11:22,835 Why do you come here? Is it to prove how special you are? 197 00:11:22,835 --> 00:11:24,235 Excuse me? 198 00:11:24,235 --> 00:11:28,915 Hey! Enough of the "excuse me's" ya snobby Brazilian bastard! 199 00:11:28,915 --> 00:11:31,555 C'mon Joe, up the road! 200 00:11:31,555 --> 00:11:33,555 Up the road now! 201 00:11:33,555 --> 00:11:36,515 - Up the road! Up the road! - Up the road now! 202 00:11:36,515 --> 00:11:38,755 - That's it! Up the road! - Up the road! 203 00:11:38,755 --> 00:11:40,515 Up the road now! Up the road! 204 00:11:41,955 --> 00:11:44,875 Up the road now! Up the road! 205 00:11:48,195 --> 00:11:51,115 - 'Mon, up the road! - Up the road! 206 00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:06,875 Have you ever struggled for what to say 207 00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:09,995 when your child asks you a difficult question? 208 00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:12,675 Mummy, how are babies made? 209 00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:17,235 You don't want to answer that question, right? 210 00:12:17,235 --> 00:12:19,275 Contact me. 211 00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:23,195 Big Des Murphy at I'll Dae It. 212 00:12:23,195 --> 00:12:25,435 And I'll dae it. I will. 213 00:12:25,435 --> 00:12:27,115 I'll dae it. 214 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:32,395 Your da' does the dirty to your old dear is how. The lucky dog. 215 00:12:32,395 --> 00:12:35,555 Then nine months later, you bust your way out 216 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,795 like a jumbo jet's nose through a pigeon's arse. 217 00:12:41,715 --> 00:12:42,795 I'll dae it. 218 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:48,075 Daddy, where's Granny now? Is she in Heaven? 219 00:12:48,075 --> 00:12:51,035 Now that's a difficult question to answer, in't it? 220 00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:53,115 I'll dae it. 221 00:12:53,115 --> 00:12:54,915 It's nae skin aff my nose. 222 00:12:54,915 --> 00:12:58,115 Your granny's rotting in the ground, son. 223 00:12:58,115 --> 00:13:00,715 She's mair a soup than a granny now. 224 00:13:00,715 --> 00:13:04,635 You could sook her up through one of your wee curly drinking straws. 225 00:13:04,635 --> 00:13:08,555 My service is open to single parent families, tae. 226 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,395 I'll dae it. Just ask me. 227 00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:13,795 I'll dae it. 228 00:13:13,795 --> 00:13:17,275 Mammy, why did Daddy move out the house? 229 00:13:17,275 --> 00:13:19,195 Does he not love me any more? 230 00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:24,875 Your da' loves ye, son, he does. 231 00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:28,355 But he loves that big slag fae up the Burnistoun high flats mair. 232 00:13:28,355 --> 00:13:32,795 Nae luck. Love is a fallacy anyway, and men are all animals. 233 00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:36,235 We're all just spinning through space on a ball of crap, 234 00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:38,115 hanging on for dear life 235 00:13:38,115 --> 00:13:40,835 like some maggots inside a deid dug 236 00:13:40,835 --> 00:13:43,955 some wee guy's flung onto the waltzers. 237 00:13:43,955 --> 00:13:47,195 Any time, seriously. I'll dae it. 238 00:13:47,195 --> 00:13:50,155 I couldnae gie a fuck. 239 00:13:50,155 --> 00:13:51,595 It's no my wean. 240 00:13:55,075 --> 00:13:56,635 Ah, Davie. 241 00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:00,795 Have a seat. 242 00:14:00,795 --> 00:14:02,995 Hey, listen. 243 00:14:02,995 --> 00:14:06,075 If it's about that result at the weekend, I'm on it. 244 00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:09,355 It's not about that, Davie. 245 00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:11,475 It's about our fans. 246 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:15,595 It's about this club's fans. 247 00:14:15,595 --> 00:14:16,715 What about them? 248 00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,915 I've been taking photographs of them. 249 00:14:28,675 --> 00:14:30,795 See? Do you see? 250 00:14:30,795 --> 00:14:33,035 I'm no followin' ye, Gaffer. 251 00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:36,195 Be straight with me here, Davie. 252 00:14:36,195 --> 00:14:37,755 Are we the ugly ones? 253 00:14:38,995 --> 00:14:41,835 - What? - Are we the ugly ones? 254 00:14:41,835 --> 00:14:46,635 Of the two great sides across this Burnistoun divide, 255 00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:48,595 are we the ugly bastards? 256 00:14:48,595 --> 00:14:50,395 Erm... 257 00:14:50,395 --> 00:14:52,155 It was last year it occurred to me. 258 00:14:52,155 --> 00:14:55,195 I was sittin' in the director's box at the cup final 259 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,315 and when we scored the winning goal 260 00:14:57,315 --> 00:14:59,555 I looked at our fans celebrating... 261 00:15:01,995 --> 00:15:03,875 ..I nearly boaked. 262 00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:09,555 I nearly heaved over the back of the Lord Provost's suit jacket. 263 00:15:09,555 --> 00:15:12,315 HE GROANS 264 00:15:12,315 --> 00:15:14,875 Teeth missing, bellies hanging oot, 265 00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:17,635 and that was just the lassies. 266 00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:19,915 Oor lot are houkers, Gaffer, it's true. 267 00:15:19,915 --> 00:15:23,355 A-a-ah! Dammit! 268 00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:25,515 I'd heard their lot singing songs 269 00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:27,795 about how our lot were the ugly ones, 270 00:15:27,795 --> 00:15:29,875 but I thought it was just banter. 271 00:15:29,875 --> 00:15:33,795 I didnae realise it was accurate, critical appraisal, set to music! 272 00:15:33,795 --> 00:15:36,315 Look, leave it to me, all right? 273 00:15:36,315 --> 00:15:37,835 I'm working on it. 274 00:15:38,955 --> 00:15:40,715 How can you fix this? 275 00:15:40,715 --> 00:15:43,115 I've got a scout over in Spain the noo. 276 00:15:43,115 --> 00:15:44,475 We're going to sign a bunch of 277 00:15:44,475 --> 00:15:46,355 Atletico Madrid fans for next season. 278 00:15:46,355 --> 00:15:49,515 Wee honeys. Big tanned hunks. 279 00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:55,875 Aye, aye, you get they gorgeous fans signed as quick as you can. 280 00:15:55,875 --> 00:15:57,995 Don't you worry about the cost. 281 00:15:57,995 --> 00:15:59,915 Now, you'd better hurry up. 282 00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,435 I've got a meeting with 283 00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:04,475 the new President of the Supporters' Club in a minute. 284 00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:15,755 HE GROANS 285 00:16:26,715 --> 00:16:29,355 Dom and Tom Toms are twins. 286 00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:32,035 They live and work together every day 287 00:16:32,035 --> 00:16:34,115 and are so on each other's wavelength 288 00:16:34,115 --> 00:16:36,515 that they finish each others' sentences. 289 00:16:41,155 --> 00:16:42,915 Hello. 290 00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:44,315 How can we help you? 291 00:16:44,315 --> 00:16:47,835 We do have a sale on today, so you just fill your... 292 00:16:47,835 --> 00:16:50,555 - ..bottom. - Boots! Fill your boots! 293 00:16:50,555 --> 00:16:53,595 I'm looking for a nice lamp for my wife. 294 00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,075 It's our anniversary. Our tenth. 295 00:16:55,075 --> 00:16:58,395 Oh, congratulations, my friend! 296 00:16:58,395 --> 00:17:02,035 To be with one person for so long must be absolutely... 297 00:17:02,035 --> 00:17:04,195 - ..murder. - Magic! Must be magic! 298 00:17:04,195 --> 00:17:07,795 So go and have a rummage and give us a shout if anything tickles your... 299 00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:09,435 - ..fanny. - Fancy, for God's sake! 300 00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:14,675 Oh, we just love working in the shop. 301 00:17:14,675 --> 00:17:16,555 I've loved antiques all my life. 302 00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:19,635 I like nothing better than taking out some old thing and giving it a... 303 00:17:19,635 --> 00:17:22,595 - ..pull. - Polish! Giving it a polish! 304 00:17:22,595 --> 00:17:26,035 Even that sounds bad now, given the context you've created. 305 00:17:29,635 --> 00:17:32,395 This is lovely. How much is it? 306 00:17:32,395 --> 00:17:34,155 I'll just check the book. 307 00:17:34,155 --> 00:17:36,595 I'm sure the price will be... 308 00:17:36,595 --> 00:17:38,075 ..a farce. 309 00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:40,675 Affordable! Affordable. 310 00:17:40,675 --> 00:17:42,915 Yes, £15. 311 00:17:42,915 --> 00:17:44,435 I'll take it. 312 00:17:45,635 --> 00:17:49,275 Thank you. And do give your wife our warmest... 313 00:17:49,275 --> 00:17:52,595 - ..willies. - Wishes! Warmest wishes! 314 00:17:52,595 --> 00:17:54,635 Warmest wishes! 315 00:17:54,635 --> 00:17:58,355 (You are going to get us arrested again!) 316 00:18:04,635 --> 00:18:07,635 All right, man? Two doner kebabs, please. 317 00:18:07,635 --> 00:18:09,035 You wanting anything, old yin? 318 00:18:11,435 --> 00:18:13,195 Suit yourself. 319 00:18:15,515 --> 00:18:17,875 - Here, where's your sword? - I sold it. 320 00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:19,355 To who? 321 00:18:19,355 --> 00:18:22,795 To them, mate. Free kebabs for a year, man. 322 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:36,315 Tell you what, mate, there's nothing better than a wee lock-in. 323 00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,755 Aye. But have you no heard about the ghost? 324 00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:41,475 The ghost? 325 00:18:41,475 --> 00:18:43,235 In here. 326 00:18:43,235 --> 00:18:46,115 The Legend of the Wee Baldy Man. 327 00:18:47,275 --> 00:18:48,475 Naw. 328 00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:53,075 Well, they say that in this building there lived a wee baldy man. 329 00:18:53,075 --> 00:18:55,875 And one day he was found hanging frae the rafters. 330 00:18:57,275 --> 00:18:58,955 Deid? 331 00:18:58,955 --> 00:19:00,035 Deid. 332 00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:04,235 And they say that wee baldy man haunts this place to this day. 333 00:19:05,235 --> 00:19:06,475 That's creepy. 334 00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:11,675 - HE SCREAMS - Look! It's the Wee Baldy Man! 335 00:19:11,675 --> 00:19:13,315 Where? 336 00:19:14,835 --> 00:19:16,755 Stop trying to wind me up, you. 337 00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:17,995 D'you think I'm...? 338 00:19:19,795 --> 00:19:23,235 Oh! Argh! 339 00:19:23,235 --> 00:19:25,115 Oh, my God, I saw it! 340 00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:30,435 That was unbelievable. That was real! 341 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:34,795 THEY SCREAM 342 00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,875 Argh! Argh! 343 00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:43,675 Oh, I hit it! I hit it right in its wee baldy heid! 344 00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:46,995 We need to get oot o' here! 345 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,315 THEY SCREAM 346 00:20:03,075 --> 00:20:05,755 I love a wee lock-in, man. D'you love a wee lock-in, Dolan? 347 00:20:05,755 --> 00:20:08,915 Aye. Have you heard about the ghost? 348 00:20:08,915 --> 00:20:10,835 The ghost? 349 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,675 Two boys like us encountered it ten years ago. 350 00:20:13,675 --> 00:20:16,035 They were never seen again. 351 00:20:16,035 --> 00:20:17,075 Seriously? 352 00:20:17,075 --> 00:20:21,755 Aye. Have you never heard of the Legend of the Wee Ghosty Boob? 353 00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,355 The what? 354 00:20:25,755 --> 00:20:28,475 THEY SCREAM 355 00:20:42,315 --> 00:20:46,755 Hello! Have a howler, it's yer granny's growler, 356 00:20:46,755 --> 00:20:50,315 Sir Herry Maclowderie! 357 00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,435 APPLAUSE 358 00:20:52,435 --> 00:20:57,755 Aw land away and aw alang the gley 359 00:20:57,755 --> 00:21:02,355 And aw alang the brae afore the wainers 360 00:21:02,355 --> 00:21:07,315 And awa', awa' The ghostie dreecht awa' 361 00:21:07,315 --> 00:21:12,075 And Kanye West designed a pair o' trainers. 362 00:21:14,995 --> 00:21:19,035 Erm, I'm delighted to announce 363 00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:23,075 that we've signed five thousand Atletico Madrid fans. 364 00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:25,475 We've got Carlos and Isabella with us today. 365 00:21:30,235 --> 00:21:32,755 MILD APPLAUSE 366 00:21:32,755 --> 00:21:35,195 We love the Bornistown. 367 00:21:35,195 --> 00:21:38,075 Go, go, Burnistowns! 368 00:21:39,635 --> 00:21:44,275 Can I just ask why you've signed a load of football fans? 369 00:21:45,835 --> 00:21:48,995 Erm, I think Carlos can probably answer that one. 370 00:22:00,075 --> 00:22:01,355 Any other questions? 371 00:22:01,355 --> 00:22:04,315 ALL: Me, me, me! Here, here! 372 00:22:04,315 --> 00:22:07,235 Who's the ugly bastards now, eh? 373 00:22:16,195 --> 00:22:19,675 There are stovies with more sausages than totties, 374 00:22:19,675 --> 00:22:24,475 and there are stovies with more sausages than totties. 375 00:22:24,475 --> 00:22:26,275 And then there's me. 376 00:22:32,675 --> 00:22:36,955 Roddy was a fun-loving man who lived life to the fullest. 377 00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:38,475 He loved nothing more 378 00:22:38,475 --> 00:22:41,315 than fending off friendly jibes about his mullet, and... 379 00:22:41,315 --> 00:22:43,355 MOBILE PHONE RINGS 380 00:22:44,715 --> 00:22:48,515 'Hullo? Listen Davey, I cannae really talk the now, mate, 381 00:22:48,515 --> 00:22:50,195 'I'm at a funeral. 382 00:22:50,195 --> 00:22:52,395 'Aye. Guess whose? 383 00:22:52,395 --> 00:22:54,315 'No. No. 384 00:22:54,315 --> 00:22:56,075 'No, mine. 385 00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:58,515 'Aye, MY funeral. Oh, I died the other week, mate. 386 00:22:58,515 --> 00:23:00,675 'How? It's a bit of a beamer, mate. 387 00:23:00,675 --> 00:23:04,155 'Took a heart attack having a chug. Aye, aye. 388 00:23:04,155 --> 00:23:06,955 'Scants doon tae the ankles, lying on the bed with the hankies, 389 00:23:06,955 --> 00:23:09,675 'baby oil scooshed ower ma gentleman's agreements. 390 00:23:09,675 --> 00:23:12,155 'Picture of my sister-in-law wi' her diddies oot 391 00:23:12,155 --> 00:23:14,315 'on the beach in Ibiza. Got a belter, man. 392 00:23:14,315 --> 00:23:17,235 'Anyway, cannae play fitba this weekend, 393 00:23:17,235 --> 00:23:20,395 'not unless you want to lie me down in goal with a couple of sandbags. 394 00:23:20,395 --> 00:23:23,315 'Nae bother, mate. See you in the afterlife. Cheerio. 395 00:23:23,315 --> 00:23:24,955 'That's me done, carry on.' 396 00:23:47,355 --> 00:23:49,115 You know, see if I can sue for this, 397 00:23:49,115 --> 00:23:51,755 - I am going to sue. - Aye, aye. 398 00:23:51,755 --> 00:23:54,755 They did this to me in London before they let me get on the plane. 399 00:23:54,755 --> 00:23:56,275 Do you people no' communicate? 400 00:23:56,275 --> 00:23:58,755 D'you think I went onto the aeroplane toilet 401 00:23:58,755 --> 00:24:01,155 and shoved a big tube of overpriced Pringles up my arse? 402 00:24:01,155 --> 00:24:04,155 See the guy in London that searched you, what did you think of him? 403 00:24:04,155 --> 00:24:07,115 His hauns were too bloody big for this job. 404 00:24:07,115 --> 00:24:08,795 Did you think he was good looking? 405 00:24:10,315 --> 00:24:12,955 Did I think he was...? Why am I gettin' asked that question? 406 00:24:12,955 --> 00:24:15,435 He's my boyfriend. I wondered what you thought of him. 407 00:24:15,435 --> 00:24:18,875 He said he was looking for Class A drugs. He was a Class A bawbag. 408 00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:21,235 It was him that phoned up and told me to search ye. 409 00:24:21,235 --> 00:24:26,075 He already searched me in London! There's nothing there to find. 410 00:24:26,075 --> 00:24:28,635 Oh, really? What's this then? 411 00:24:29,795 --> 00:24:32,315 - SHE GASPS - An engagement ring! 412 00:24:32,315 --> 00:24:36,235 Oh, he's so romantic, is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen? 413 00:24:41,395 --> 00:24:43,435 That's your Davey McGrogan deid, man. 414 00:24:46,515 --> 00:24:48,875 Aye, man. Poor guy. 415 00:24:48,875 --> 00:24:51,195 Way it dragged oot in the end. 416 00:24:51,195 --> 00:24:57,515 - Aye man. See when I go, mate, I want it to be nice and quick. - Aye. 417 00:24:57,515 --> 00:24:59,995 Nane of this "Oh, I've got some bad news, 418 00:24:59,995 --> 00:25:02,355 "you've got a year to live" patter. 419 00:25:02,355 --> 00:25:03,915 Naw, man - nice and quick. 420 00:25:03,915 --> 00:25:06,235 A nice, quick "You've got six months to live." 421 00:25:07,995 --> 00:25:10,475 You've got six months to live? That'd be horrible. 422 00:25:10,475 --> 00:25:12,915 Naw, man. Nice and quick. You don't want it to get boring. 423 00:25:12,915 --> 00:25:14,755 That's no' nice and quick. 424 00:25:14,755 --> 00:25:16,595 Nice and quick is bang, you're deid. 425 00:25:16,595 --> 00:25:18,595 That's what I want. 426 00:25:18,595 --> 00:25:22,875 What, bang, you're deid? Instant death, mate? That's too quick. 427 00:25:22,875 --> 00:25:24,035 Aye. That's what I want. 428 00:25:24,035 --> 00:25:26,675 That's like saying, us two staunin' here the noo 429 00:25:26,675 --> 00:25:28,715 and bang, we get took oot by a sniper. 430 00:25:28,715 --> 00:25:30,675 Aye, nice and fast. 431 00:25:30,675 --> 00:25:33,035 Are you saying you'd rather get taken oot by a sniper 432 00:25:33,035 --> 00:25:34,435 than get a horrible disease? 433 00:25:34,435 --> 00:25:35,875 Aye. 434 00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:37,875 That's mental, mate. 435 00:25:37,875 --> 00:25:39,875 Horrible diseases are normal, 436 00:25:39,875 --> 00:25:42,235 but bang, sniper, deid, that's terrifying. 437 00:25:42,235 --> 00:25:45,755 Doesn't need to be a sniper, mate. I could get hit by a bus. Bang! 438 00:25:47,075 --> 00:25:49,475 - You're scaring me now, mate. - How? 439 00:25:49,475 --> 00:25:51,995 We're all going to die, right? Fact. 440 00:25:51,995 --> 00:25:53,955 You want to get taken out by a bus? 441 00:25:53,955 --> 00:25:56,955 You could arrange that in two minutes when the 37 goes by. 442 00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:59,355 I'm no' saying I want to arrange it myself. 443 00:25:59,355 --> 00:26:01,755 You'd want it to be a nice wee surprise. 444 00:26:01,755 --> 00:26:04,115 Mate, if you die instantly it's no' a surprise, is it? 445 00:26:04,115 --> 00:26:10,115 All right. I'll live long enough to go, "Oh, what a surprise." Deid. 446 00:26:10,115 --> 00:26:13,355 "Oh, I didnae expect that bus to be there, what a surprise." 447 00:26:13,355 --> 00:26:16,235 - Deid. - Mate, do you want to wrap it with that bus patter? 448 00:26:16,235 --> 00:26:18,915 Stepping in front of a bus is entirely under your control. 449 00:26:18,915 --> 00:26:21,115 That's like saying you want to die by your ain haun. 450 00:26:21,115 --> 00:26:24,755 All right, go back to the sniper then. Bang, you're deid! 451 00:26:24,755 --> 00:26:26,555 You've nae idea. You wouldnae want that? 452 00:26:26,555 --> 00:26:29,795 No, mate, no. I mean, I don't know, mate. 453 00:26:29,795 --> 00:26:32,235 Maybe if the sniper had had a couple of halfs, right, 454 00:26:32,235 --> 00:26:34,435 and he goes up the roof, he's half cut 455 00:26:34,435 --> 00:26:38,755 and he goes, "Bang!" And he missed your heid, got us in the neck, man. 456 00:26:38,755 --> 00:26:40,955 Deid about three hours later. 457 00:26:40,955 --> 00:26:43,195 You'd bleed to death over a few hours? 458 00:26:43,195 --> 00:26:45,275 That's the worst suggestion yet. 459 00:26:45,275 --> 00:26:47,355 Bang, you're deid. 460 00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:50,435 - No mate, no' bang you're deid. - Aye, bang you're deid. 461 00:26:50,435 --> 00:26:52,155 No, Peter, no' bang you're deid. 462 00:26:52,155 --> 00:26:53,555 Bang, you're...oh! 463 00:26:59,475 --> 00:27:03,795 It's all right, Peter, it was just a wee mad pigeon, man. 464 00:27:07,075 --> 00:27:09,795 Seeing that pigeon's made me realise how much I want to live. 465 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:12,195 Too right, man. Too right. 466 00:27:12,195 --> 00:27:15,715 Want tae go down the pub and get a pint? Might be the last. 467 00:27:20,755 --> 00:27:23,795 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 468 00:27:23,845 --> 00:27:28,395 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35505

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