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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
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Here, here, I could swear I just saw a half-brick
3
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that was the other half of a half-brick
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I saw on a bit of spare ground when I was about 18.
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I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.
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Aye, got his heid trapped in a turnstile, but.
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Missed the first half.
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Poor old bugger, man.
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What's up?
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Oh, right. Excalibur.
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What is it?
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Just a magical sword thing. It's been here for years.
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It's a belter, man.
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Aye. Anyway, you coming?
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This pub's always heaving and I want to get a seat.
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You ever tried to pull it out?
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Aye, when I was a wee guy, aye.
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It doesnae come out.
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People just mainly use it for cutting their sausage suppers in half.
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Know what I mean? On the way back from the pub.
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Geez a minute, man.
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THEY LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY
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- No way, man!
- It was easy, man. It just came oot.
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Because you were destined to take the sword.
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You were born to wield Excalibur, young...
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What is your name?
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Mad Wullie.
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Young Mad Wullie, the sword is yours.
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You are our champion.
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Yas, excellent, I'm the champion! Championes, championes!
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Aye, right, that's good, but listen. You'll no get into the pub with that.
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Oh, naw, here, he's right, old yin. I'll no get in the pub with this.
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The pub is the least of your concerns with evil rising.
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It's dead heavy an' all. Any chance I could just stick it back in
35
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and I'll pick it up on the way back from the boozer?
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- It was a magical seal. You can't...
- Here, Wullie.
37
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There's an old used bin bag here, you could use that.
38
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Aye, good idea. Hold on, but.
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I've got a bit of shite on my shoe here, look.
40
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- This'll help me scrape it off.
- Please don't.
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There we go. Right, old yin -
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that's it in this bin bag, right?
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Punt it in there. That'll dae.
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You stay and keep an eye on it as well, Granda'? All right?
45
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Come on Brian, let's go to the boozer and get leathered, right?
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How goes our champion, Sir Arthur?
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My lady, our champion is...
48
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..a fanny.
49
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All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
50
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Jolly Boy John's radiator no working is for real.
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Jolly Boy John phoning a plumber and asking him to bleed his radiators
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but saying dadilators instead of radiators is for real.
53
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Over here immediately and bleed my dadilators!
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For real! Jolly Boy John hiding under his bed
55
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and rolling picked onions at a plumber's feet is for real.
56
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Bleed my dadilators!
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Jolly Boy John strumming a pickled onion in his belly button
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while his maw's wet tights are dryin' out
59
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and a big packet of frozen mince
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is defrosting on the dadilator is for real.
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Tights! Mince! Dadilator! Tights! Mince! Dadilator!
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Time for your dinner, ladies. For real!
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Bear Grylls, Elton John, Ronald MacDonald,
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youse all swan about, all mad dancing together
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trying to be as for real as Jolly Boy John. Get real!
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Dom and Tom Toms are twins.
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They've lived together all their life.
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Me and my brother, Dom, we're like two pieces of pea in the same pod.
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We dress alike, talk alike,
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we even finish each other's...
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- Sandwiches.
- ..sentences.
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We both run an antique metalwork shop on the High Street,
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called Rustified And Ancient.
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We love nothing more than to encourage people to come down
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and have a dig through our...
76
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- Trousers.
- ..treasures.
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We never married.
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Just never seemed to find the time.
79
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Although we have had our fair share of...
80
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- Restraining orders.
- ..relationships.
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Relationships.
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At night, after dinner,
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we like to settle down, discuss our day, and share..
84
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- A bath.
- ..a beer.
85
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People often ask if we get lonely,
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but we do enjoy each other's company,
87
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and with no wives and no children,
88
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let me tell you, the world is our...
89
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- Enemy.
- ..oyster.
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It's an oyster.
91
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We hate the thought of anyone feeling sorry for us.
92
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We're actually very philosophical about our lot.
93
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As they say, life is like a box of...
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- Condoms.
- ..chocolates.
95
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Chocolates.
96
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Honestly, he has driven me to...
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- Disneyland.
- ..distraction.
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Although, to be fair, he has once driven me to Disneyland,
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when we were on the run from the polis.
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Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs...
101
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- Bugger you.
- Bugger YOU!
102
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You wanted to see the two legends, gaffer?
103
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Bought you a wee happy meal, gaffer.
104
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A wee present for you, you know that way?
105
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I don't want a happy meal, Toshan.
106
00:06:29,475 --> 00:06:32,115
I'm a grown man, a very unhappy grown man.
107
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Aw, listen, if people are still making complaints about us then I am shocked,
108
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because we have been quality polis for the last...
109
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- ..day or so.
- Quality polis all the way.
110
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Nae stealing nothing, nae leathering anybody,
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nae boozing, nae rolling joints,
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nae strippers, nae knocking caravans.
113
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That's plenty, Toshan.
114
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I've a statement here from one Paul Young.
115
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- What, the singer from the '80s?
- Belter!
116
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Wherever I lay my hat
117
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That's my home.
118
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Away and live in the bin, then.
119
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Not the singer. He's a fellow who wanted our help when his car was stolen.
120
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Aw, that big diddy? What's he been sayin'?
121
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He said "I was shocked to have the police tell me that my stolen car
122
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"was, in their words,
123
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"a shanner anyway."
124
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Aw, it was, but.
125
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Was, gaffer. A total shanner.
126
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"The two officers then went on to criticise my CD collection
127
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"and then demanded a shot on my home treadmill,
128
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- "which led to the fatter officer..."
- That's you, McGregor.
129
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"..smashing through my patio doors."
130
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I've another complaint here from a Mrs Adams,
131
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who said she spotted both of you - her words -
132
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"In my back garden bouncing on my daughter's trampoline at four in the morning.
133
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"The fatter officer..."
134
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That's you, McGregor.
135
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"..dressed in my underwear, stolen from the washing line."
136
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We were probably undercover or something. I cannae mind.
137
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I don't want to see youse back in here for a month. Suspended!
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Hey!
139
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Where are you going? Forgetting something?
140
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I'm tired of peppering you pair, so I am.
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THEY SCREAM AND GROAN
142
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TV: 'Northern Ireland, the Lake District...'
143
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SHE SCREAMS
144
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- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
145
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Just needed a wee scream.
146
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What a psycho.
147
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Do you ever feel like you need a wee scream
148
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without looking like a total psycho?
149
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I certainly do.
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That's why I invented our brand new Ciderson's Screambox.
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HE SCREAMS
152
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Our productivity has...
153
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'No matter where or when...'
154
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..so we can see the rewards of our long-term planning starting to...
155
00:09:03,555 --> 00:09:06,715
THEY ALL SCREAM
156
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'..or with whom.'
157
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I thought we might maybe have a wee romantic...
158
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..the night.
159
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SHE SCREAMS
160
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The Screambox is there to help.
161
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I came up with this idea when one of my food products failed to sell
162
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and I lost my house and my wife and my children.
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HE SCREAMS
164
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I still cannae believe you pulled that mad big sword out, man.
165
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I know, man. Mental, in't it?
166
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Here we go, man.
167
00:09:52,715 --> 00:09:55,795
Here, old yin. They sausage rolls ready yet?
168
00:10:06,515 --> 00:10:08,995
Brilliant wee place this, in't it?
169
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Aye, nice grub.
170
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:13,475
Have you noticed anything, but?
171
00:10:13,475 --> 00:10:15,475
What?
172
00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:18,875
Look at the other punters in here.
173
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HE SNIFFS HARD Snobby.
174
00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:33,435
Aye, snobby.
175
00:10:33,435 --> 00:10:35,235
Is this a snobby joint?
176
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Is this a snobby joint?
177
00:10:36,755 --> 00:10:38,595
What's it called?
178
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:40,875
Capoeira. Is that a snobby word?
179
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:42,515
It's a Brazilian word, I think.
180
00:10:42,515 --> 00:10:44,475
Is it a snobby Brazilian word?
181
00:10:44,475 --> 00:10:47,035
I don't know if there are any snobs in Brazil.
182
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Here, mate!
183
00:10:49,675 --> 00:10:52,675
Is there snobs in Brazil?
184
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Excuse me?
185
00:10:54,915 --> 00:10:56,595
Hear that? "Excuse me."
186
00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:59,675
- Who says that?
- Exactly. Snobby.
187
00:10:59,675 --> 00:11:01,675
Excuse me.
188
00:11:03,395 --> 00:11:04,435
Is this a snobby joint?
189
00:11:04,435 --> 00:11:06,155
What do you mean?
190
00:11:06,155 --> 00:11:08,395
Is this one of they snobby joints with snobby people
191
00:11:08,395 --> 00:11:09,795
looking down on people like us?
192
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:12,515
It's a mix. Is there a problem?
193
00:11:12,515 --> 00:11:15,195
Listen, mate. Why do people come here?
194
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Is it to prove how special they are?
195
00:11:18,035 --> 00:11:20,115
Here, mate!
196
00:11:20,115 --> 00:11:22,835
Why do you come here? Is it to prove how special you are?
197
00:11:22,835 --> 00:11:24,235
Excuse me?
198
00:11:24,235 --> 00:11:28,915
Hey! Enough of the "excuse me's" ya snobby Brazilian bastard!
199
00:11:28,915 --> 00:11:31,555
C'mon Joe, up the road!
200
00:11:31,555 --> 00:11:33,555
Up the road now!
201
00:11:33,555 --> 00:11:36,515
- Up the road! Up the road!
- Up the road now!
202
00:11:36,515 --> 00:11:38,755
- That's it! Up the road!
- Up the road!
203
00:11:38,755 --> 00:11:40,515
Up the road now! Up the road!
204
00:11:41,955 --> 00:11:44,875
Up the road now! Up the road!
205
00:11:48,195 --> 00:11:51,115
- 'Mon, up the road!
- Up the road!
206
00:12:04,155 --> 00:12:06,875
Have you ever struggled for what to say
207
00:12:06,875 --> 00:12:09,995
when your child asks you a difficult question?
208
00:12:09,995 --> 00:12:12,675
Mummy, how are babies made?
209
00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:17,235
You don't want to answer that question, right?
210
00:12:17,235 --> 00:12:19,275
Contact me.
211
00:12:19,275 --> 00:12:23,195
Big Des Murphy at I'll Dae It.
212
00:12:23,195 --> 00:12:25,435
And I'll dae it. I will.
213
00:12:25,435 --> 00:12:27,115
I'll dae it.
214
00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:32,395
Your da' does the dirty to your old dear is how. The lucky dog.
215
00:12:32,395 --> 00:12:35,555
Then nine months later, you bust your way out
216
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:38,795
like a jumbo jet's nose through a pigeon's arse.
217
00:12:41,715 --> 00:12:42,795
I'll dae it.
218
00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:48,075
Daddy, where's Granny now? Is she in Heaven?
219
00:12:48,075 --> 00:12:51,035
Now that's a difficult question to answer, in't it?
220
00:12:51,035 --> 00:12:53,115
I'll dae it.
221
00:12:53,115 --> 00:12:54,915
It's nae skin aff my nose.
222
00:12:54,915 --> 00:12:58,115
Your granny's rotting in the ground, son.
223
00:12:58,115 --> 00:13:00,715
She's mair a soup than a granny now.
224
00:13:00,715 --> 00:13:04,635
You could sook her up through one of your wee curly drinking straws.
225
00:13:04,635 --> 00:13:08,555
My service is open to single parent families, tae.
226
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:11,395
I'll dae it. Just ask me.
227
00:13:11,395 --> 00:13:13,795
I'll dae it.
228
00:13:13,795 --> 00:13:17,275
Mammy, why did Daddy move out the house?
229
00:13:17,275 --> 00:13:19,195
Does he not love me any more?
230
00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:24,875
Your da' loves ye, son, he does.
231
00:13:24,875 --> 00:13:28,355
But he loves that big slag fae up the Burnistoun high flats mair.
232
00:13:28,355 --> 00:13:32,795
Nae luck. Love is a fallacy anyway, and men are all animals.
233
00:13:32,795 --> 00:13:36,235
We're all just spinning through space on a ball of crap,
234
00:13:36,235 --> 00:13:38,115
hanging on for dear life
235
00:13:38,115 --> 00:13:40,835
like some maggots inside a deid dug
236
00:13:40,835 --> 00:13:43,955
some wee guy's flung onto the waltzers.
237
00:13:43,955 --> 00:13:47,195
Any time, seriously. I'll dae it.
238
00:13:47,195 --> 00:13:50,155
I couldnae gie a fuck.
239
00:13:50,155 --> 00:13:51,595
It's no my wean.
240
00:13:55,075 --> 00:13:56,635
Ah, Davie.
241
00:13:58,515 --> 00:14:00,795
Have a seat.
242
00:14:00,795 --> 00:14:02,995
Hey, listen.
243
00:14:02,995 --> 00:14:06,075
If it's about that result at the weekend, I'm on it.
244
00:14:06,075 --> 00:14:09,355
It's not about that, Davie.
245
00:14:09,355 --> 00:14:11,475
It's about our fans.
246
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:15,595
It's about this club's fans.
247
00:14:15,595 --> 00:14:16,715
What about them?
248
00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,915
I've been taking photographs of them.
249
00:14:28,675 --> 00:14:30,795
See? Do you see?
250
00:14:30,795 --> 00:14:33,035
I'm no followin' ye, Gaffer.
251
00:14:33,035 --> 00:14:36,195
Be straight with me here, Davie.
252
00:14:36,195 --> 00:14:37,755
Are we the ugly ones?
253
00:14:38,995 --> 00:14:41,835
- What?
- Are we the ugly ones?
254
00:14:41,835 --> 00:14:46,635
Of the two great sides across this Burnistoun divide,
255
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:48,595
are we the ugly bastards?
256
00:14:48,595 --> 00:14:50,395
Erm...
257
00:14:50,395 --> 00:14:52,155
It was last year it occurred to me.
258
00:14:52,155 --> 00:14:55,195
I was sittin' in the director's box at the cup final
259
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,315
and when we scored the winning goal
260
00:14:57,315 --> 00:14:59,555
I looked at our fans celebrating...
261
00:15:01,995 --> 00:15:03,875
..I nearly boaked.
262
00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:09,555
I nearly heaved over the back of the Lord Provost's suit jacket.
263
00:15:09,555 --> 00:15:12,315
HE GROANS
264
00:15:12,315 --> 00:15:14,875
Teeth missing, bellies hanging oot,
265
00:15:14,875 --> 00:15:17,635
and that was just the lassies.
266
00:15:17,635 --> 00:15:19,915
Oor lot are houkers, Gaffer, it's true.
267
00:15:19,915 --> 00:15:23,355
A-a-ah! Dammit!
268
00:15:23,355 --> 00:15:25,515
I'd heard their lot singing songs
269
00:15:25,515 --> 00:15:27,795
about how our lot were the ugly ones,
270
00:15:27,795 --> 00:15:29,875
but I thought it was just banter.
271
00:15:29,875 --> 00:15:33,795
I didnae realise it was accurate, critical appraisal, set to music!
272
00:15:33,795 --> 00:15:36,315
Look, leave it to me, all right?
273
00:15:36,315 --> 00:15:37,835
I'm working on it.
274
00:15:38,955 --> 00:15:40,715
How can you fix this?
275
00:15:40,715 --> 00:15:43,115
I've got a scout over in Spain the noo.
276
00:15:43,115 --> 00:15:44,475
We're going to sign a bunch of
277
00:15:44,475 --> 00:15:46,355
Atletico Madrid fans for next season.
278
00:15:46,355 --> 00:15:49,515
Wee honeys. Big tanned hunks.
279
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:55,875
Aye, aye, you get they gorgeous fans signed as quick as you can.
280
00:15:55,875 --> 00:15:57,995
Don't you worry about the cost.
281
00:15:57,995 --> 00:15:59,915
Now, you'd better hurry up.
282
00:15:59,915 --> 00:16:01,435
I've got a meeting with
283
00:16:01,435 --> 00:16:04,475
the new President of the Supporters' Club in a minute.
284
00:16:12,075 --> 00:16:15,755
HE GROANS
285
00:16:26,715 --> 00:16:29,355
Dom and Tom Toms are twins.
286
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:32,035
They live and work together every day
287
00:16:32,035 --> 00:16:34,115
and are so on each other's wavelength
288
00:16:34,115 --> 00:16:36,515
that they finish each others' sentences.
289
00:16:41,155 --> 00:16:42,915
Hello.
290
00:16:42,915 --> 00:16:44,315
How can we help you?
291
00:16:44,315 --> 00:16:47,835
We do have a sale on today, so you just fill your...
292
00:16:47,835 --> 00:16:50,555
- ..bottom.
- Boots! Fill your boots!
293
00:16:50,555 --> 00:16:53,595
I'm looking for a nice lamp for my wife.
294
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:55,075
It's our anniversary. Our tenth.
295
00:16:55,075 --> 00:16:58,395
Oh, congratulations, my friend!
296
00:16:58,395 --> 00:17:02,035
To be with one person for so long must be absolutely...
297
00:17:02,035 --> 00:17:04,195
- ..murder.
- Magic! Must be magic!
298
00:17:04,195 --> 00:17:07,795
So go and have a rummage and give us a shout if anything tickles your...
299
00:17:07,795 --> 00:17:09,435
- ..fanny.
- Fancy, for God's sake!
300
00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:14,675
Oh, we just love working in the shop.
301
00:17:14,675 --> 00:17:16,555
I've loved antiques all my life.
302
00:17:16,555 --> 00:17:19,635
I like nothing better than taking out some old thing and giving it a...
303
00:17:19,635 --> 00:17:22,595
- ..pull.
- Polish! Giving it a polish!
304
00:17:22,595 --> 00:17:26,035
Even that sounds bad now, given the context you've created.
305
00:17:29,635 --> 00:17:32,395
This is lovely. How much is it?
306
00:17:32,395 --> 00:17:34,155
I'll just check the book.
307
00:17:34,155 --> 00:17:36,595
I'm sure the price will be...
308
00:17:36,595 --> 00:17:38,075
..a farce.
309
00:17:38,075 --> 00:17:40,675
Affordable! Affordable.
310
00:17:40,675 --> 00:17:42,915
Yes, £15.
311
00:17:42,915 --> 00:17:44,435
I'll take it.
312
00:17:45,635 --> 00:17:49,275
Thank you. And do give your wife our warmest...
313
00:17:49,275 --> 00:17:52,595
- ..willies.
- Wishes! Warmest wishes!
314
00:17:52,595 --> 00:17:54,635
Warmest wishes!
315
00:17:54,635 --> 00:17:58,355
(You are going to get us arrested again!)
316
00:18:04,635 --> 00:18:07,635
All right, man? Two doner kebabs, please.
317
00:18:07,635 --> 00:18:09,035
You wanting anything, old yin?
318
00:18:11,435 --> 00:18:13,195
Suit yourself.
319
00:18:15,515 --> 00:18:17,875
- Here, where's your sword?
- I sold it.
320
00:18:17,875 --> 00:18:19,355
To who?
321
00:18:19,355 --> 00:18:22,795
To them, mate. Free kebabs for a year, man.
322
00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:36,315
Tell you what, mate, there's nothing better than a wee lock-in.
323
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,755
Aye. But have you no heard about the ghost?
324
00:18:39,755 --> 00:18:41,475
The ghost?
325
00:18:41,475 --> 00:18:43,235
In here.
326
00:18:43,235 --> 00:18:46,115
The Legend of the Wee Baldy Man.
327
00:18:47,275 --> 00:18:48,475
Naw.
328
00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:53,075
Well, they say that in this building there lived a wee baldy man.
329
00:18:53,075 --> 00:18:55,875
And one day he was found hanging frae the rafters.
330
00:18:57,275 --> 00:18:58,955
Deid?
331
00:18:58,955 --> 00:19:00,035
Deid.
332
00:19:00,035 --> 00:19:04,235
And they say that wee baldy man haunts this place to this day.
333
00:19:05,235 --> 00:19:06,475
That's creepy.
334
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:11,675
- HE SCREAMS
- Look! It's the Wee Baldy Man!
335
00:19:11,675 --> 00:19:13,315
Where?
336
00:19:14,835 --> 00:19:16,755
Stop trying to wind me up, you.
337
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:17,995
D'you think I'm...?
338
00:19:19,795 --> 00:19:23,235
Oh! Argh!
339
00:19:23,235 --> 00:19:25,115
Oh, my God, I saw it!
340
00:19:27,555 --> 00:19:30,435
That was unbelievable. That was real!
341
00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:34,795
THEY SCREAM
342
00:19:37,235 --> 00:19:38,875
Argh! Argh!
343
00:19:38,875 --> 00:19:43,675
Oh, I hit it! I hit it right in its wee baldy heid!
344
00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:46,995
We need to get oot o' here!
345
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,315
THEY SCREAM
346
00:20:03,075 --> 00:20:05,755
I love a wee lock-in, man. D'you love a wee lock-in, Dolan?
347
00:20:05,755 --> 00:20:08,915
Aye. Have you heard about the ghost?
348
00:20:08,915 --> 00:20:10,835
The ghost?
349
00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,675
Two boys like us encountered it ten years ago.
350
00:20:13,675 --> 00:20:16,035
They were never seen again.
351
00:20:16,035 --> 00:20:17,075
Seriously?
352
00:20:17,075 --> 00:20:21,755
Aye. Have you never heard of the Legend of the Wee Ghosty Boob?
353
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:23,355
The what?
354
00:20:25,755 --> 00:20:28,475
THEY SCREAM
355
00:20:42,315 --> 00:20:46,755
Hello! Have a howler, it's yer granny's growler,
356
00:20:46,755 --> 00:20:50,315
Sir Herry Maclowderie!
357
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,435
APPLAUSE
358
00:20:52,435 --> 00:20:57,755
Aw land away and aw alang the gley
359
00:20:57,755 --> 00:21:02,355
And aw alang the brae afore the wainers
360
00:21:02,355 --> 00:21:07,315
And awa', awa' The ghostie dreecht awa'
361
00:21:07,315 --> 00:21:12,075
And Kanye West designed a pair o' trainers.
362
00:21:14,995 --> 00:21:19,035
Erm, I'm delighted to announce
363
00:21:19,035 --> 00:21:23,075
that we've signed five thousand Atletico Madrid fans.
364
00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:25,475
We've got Carlos and Isabella with us today.
365
00:21:30,235 --> 00:21:32,755
MILD APPLAUSE
366
00:21:32,755 --> 00:21:35,195
We love the Bornistown.
367
00:21:35,195 --> 00:21:38,075
Go, go, Burnistowns!
368
00:21:39,635 --> 00:21:44,275
Can I just ask why you've signed a load of football fans?
369
00:21:45,835 --> 00:21:48,995
Erm, I think Carlos can probably answer that one.
370
00:22:00,075 --> 00:22:01,355
Any other questions?
371
00:22:01,355 --> 00:22:04,315
ALL: Me, me, me! Here, here!
372
00:22:04,315 --> 00:22:07,235
Who's the ugly bastards now, eh?
373
00:22:16,195 --> 00:22:19,675
There are stovies with more sausages than totties,
374
00:22:19,675 --> 00:22:24,475
and there are stovies with more sausages than totties.
375
00:22:24,475 --> 00:22:26,275
And then there's me.
376
00:22:32,675 --> 00:22:36,955
Roddy was a fun-loving man who lived life to the fullest.
377
00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:38,475
He loved nothing more
378
00:22:38,475 --> 00:22:41,315
than fending off friendly jibes about his mullet, and...
379
00:22:41,315 --> 00:22:43,355
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
380
00:22:44,715 --> 00:22:48,515
'Hullo? Listen Davey, I cannae really talk the now, mate,
381
00:22:48,515 --> 00:22:50,195
'I'm at a funeral.
382
00:22:50,195 --> 00:22:52,395
'Aye. Guess whose?
383
00:22:52,395 --> 00:22:54,315
'No. No.
384
00:22:54,315 --> 00:22:56,075
'No, mine.
385
00:22:56,075 --> 00:22:58,515
'Aye, MY funeral. Oh, I died the other week, mate.
386
00:22:58,515 --> 00:23:00,675
'How? It's a bit of a beamer, mate.
387
00:23:00,675 --> 00:23:04,155
'Took a heart attack having a chug. Aye, aye.
388
00:23:04,155 --> 00:23:06,955
'Scants doon tae the ankles, lying on the bed with the hankies,
389
00:23:06,955 --> 00:23:09,675
'baby oil scooshed ower ma gentleman's agreements.
390
00:23:09,675 --> 00:23:12,155
'Picture of my sister-in-law wi' her diddies oot
391
00:23:12,155 --> 00:23:14,315
'on the beach in Ibiza. Got a belter, man.
392
00:23:14,315 --> 00:23:17,235
'Anyway, cannae play fitba this weekend,
393
00:23:17,235 --> 00:23:20,395
'not unless you want to lie me down in goal with a couple of sandbags.
394
00:23:20,395 --> 00:23:23,315
'Nae bother, mate. See you in the afterlife. Cheerio.
395
00:23:23,315 --> 00:23:24,955
'That's me done, carry on.'
396
00:23:47,355 --> 00:23:49,115
You know, see if I can sue for this,
397
00:23:49,115 --> 00:23:51,755
- I am going to sue.
- Aye, aye.
398
00:23:51,755 --> 00:23:54,755
They did this to me in London before they let me get on the plane.
399
00:23:54,755 --> 00:23:56,275
Do you people no' communicate?
400
00:23:56,275 --> 00:23:58,755
D'you think I went onto the aeroplane toilet
401
00:23:58,755 --> 00:24:01,155
and shoved a big tube of overpriced Pringles up my arse?
402
00:24:01,155 --> 00:24:04,155
See the guy in London that searched you, what did you think of him?
403
00:24:04,155 --> 00:24:07,115
His hauns were too bloody big for this job.
404
00:24:07,115 --> 00:24:08,795
Did you think he was good looking?
405
00:24:10,315 --> 00:24:12,955
Did I think he was...? Why am I gettin' asked that question?
406
00:24:12,955 --> 00:24:15,435
He's my boyfriend. I wondered what you thought of him.
407
00:24:15,435 --> 00:24:18,875
He said he was looking for Class A drugs. He was a Class A bawbag.
408
00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:21,235
It was him that phoned up and told me to search ye.
409
00:24:21,235 --> 00:24:26,075
He already searched me in London! There's nothing there to find.
410
00:24:26,075 --> 00:24:28,635
Oh, really? What's this then?
411
00:24:29,795 --> 00:24:32,315
- SHE GASPS
- An engagement ring!
412
00:24:32,315 --> 00:24:36,235
Oh, he's so romantic, is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?
413
00:24:41,395 --> 00:24:43,435
That's your Davey McGrogan deid, man.
414
00:24:46,515 --> 00:24:48,875
Aye, man. Poor guy.
415
00:24:48,875 --> 00:24:51,195
Way it dragged oot in the end.
416
00:24:51,195 --> 00:24:57,515
- Aye man. See when I go, mate, I want it to be nice and quick.
- Aye.
417
00:24:57,515 --> 00:24:59,995
Nane of this "Oh, I've got some bad news,
418
00:24:59,995 --> 00:25:02,355
"you've got a year to live" patter.
419
00:25:02,355 --> 00:25:03,915
Naw, man - nice and quick.
420
00:25:03,915 --> 00:25:06,235
A nice, quick "You've got six months to live."
421
00:25:07,995 --> 00:25:10,475
You've got six months to live? That'd be horrible.
422
00:25:10,475 --> 00:25:12,915
Naw, man. Nice and quick. You don't want it to get boring.
423
00:25:12,915 --> 00:25:14,755
That's no' nice and quick.
424
00:25:14,755 --> 00:25:16,595
Nice and quick is bang, you're deid.
425
00:25:16,595 --> 00:25:18,595
That's what I want.
426
00:25:18,595 --> 00:25:22,875
What, bang, you're deid? Instant death, mate? That's too quick.
427
00:25:22,875 --> 00:25:24,035
Aye. That's what I want.
428
00:25:24,035 --> 00:25:26,675
That's like saying, us two staunin' here the noo
429
00:25:26,675 --> 00:25:28,715
and bang, we get took oot by a sniper.
430
00:25:28,715 --> 00:25:30,675
Aye, nice and fast.
431
00:25:30,675 --> 00:25:33,035
Are you saying you'd rather get taken oot by a sniper
432
00:25:33,035 --> 00:25:34,435
than get a horrible disease?
433
00:25:34,435 --> 00:25:35,875
Aye.
434
00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:37,875
That's mental, mate.
435
00:25:37,875 --> 00:25:39,875
Horrible diseases are normal,
436
00:25:39,875 --> 00:25:42,235
but bang, sniper, deid, that's terrifying.
437
00:25:42,235 --> 00:25:45,755
Doesn't need to be a sniper, mate. I could get hit by a bus. Bang!
438
00:25:47,075 --> 00:25:49,475
- You're scaring me now, mate.
- How?
439
00:25:49,475 --> 00:25:51,995
We're all going to die, right? Fact.
440
00:25:51,995 --> 00:25:53,955
You want to get taken out by a bus?
441
00:25:53,955 --> 00:25:56,955
You could arrange that in two minutes when the 37 goes by.
442
00:25:56,955 --> 00:25:59,355
I'm no' saying I want to arrange it myself.
443
00:25:59,355 --> 00:26:01,755
You'd want it to be a nice wee surprise.
444
00:26:01,755 --> 00:26:04,115
Mate, if you die instantly it's no' a surprise, is it?
445
00:26:04,115 --> 00:26:10,115
All right. I'll live long enough to go, "Oh, what a surprise." Deid.
446
00:26:10,115 --> 00:26:13,355
"Oh, I didnae expect that bus to be there, what a surprise."
447
00:26:13,355 --> 00:26:16,235
- Deid.
- Mate, do you want to wrap it with that bus patter?
448
00:26:16,235 --> 00:26:18,915
Stepping in front of a bus is entirely under your control.
449
00:26:18,915 --> 00:26:21,115
That's like saying you want to die by your ain haun.
450
00:26:21,115 --> 00:26:24,755
All right, go back to the sniper then. Bang, you're deid!
451
00:26:24,755 --> 00:26:26,555
You've nae idea. You wouldnae want that?
452
00:26:26,555 --> 00:26:29,795
No, mate, no. I mean, I don't know, mate.
453
00:26:29,795 --> 00:26:32,235
Maybe if the sniper had had a couple of halfs, right,
454
00:26:32,235 --> 00:26:34,435
and he goes up the roof, he's half cut
455
00:26:34,435 --> 00:26:38,755
and he goes, "Bang!" And he missed your heid, got us in the neck, man.
456
00:26:38,755 --> 00:26:40,955
Deid about three hours later.
457
00:26:40,955 --> 00:26:43,195
You'd bleed to death over a few hours?
458
00:26:43,195 --> 00:26:45,275
That's the worst suggestion yet.
459
00:26:45,275 --> 00:26:47,355
Bang, you're deid.
460
00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:50,435
- No mate, no' bang you're deid.
- Aye, bang you're deid.
461
00:26:50,435 --> 00:26:52,155
No, Peter, no' bang you're deid.
462
00:26:52,155 --> 00:26:53,555
Bang, you're...oh!
463
00:26:59,475 --> 00:27:03,795
It's all right, Peter, it was just a wee mad pigeon, man.
464
00:27:07,075 --> 00:27:09,795
Seeing that pigeon's made me realise how much I want to live.
465
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:12,195
Too right, man. Too right.
466
00:27:12,195 --> 00:27:15,715
Want tae go down the pub and get a pint? Might be the last.
467
00:27:20,755 --> 00:27:23,795
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
468
00:27:23,845 --> 00:27:28,395
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