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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains adult humour. 2 00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:29,060 What?! 3 00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:31,740 Ugh! 4 00:00:38,180 --> 00:00:39,860 Mate, get off that machine. 5 00:00:39,860 --> 00:00:41,620 What? 6 00:00:41,620 --> 00:00:43,900 Get off that machine before anybody sees you. 7 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:47,500 - How? - Cos it's for women, that machine, that's how. 8 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,740 - What? - Mate, I have never seen a guy on that machine in my puff. 9 00:00:50,740 --> 00:00:54,540 Directing eye traffic to your baws like that. 10 00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:56,860 You're embarrassing us. Get off it! 11 00:00:56,860 --> 00:01:01,340 The reason why you don't see guys on this is because all guys care about 12 00:01:01,340 --> 00:01:03,420 is having a big chest or biceps. 13 00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:05,420 I'm wanting a total body workout. 14 00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,820 Aye, total fanny workout, more like. Opening your legs 15 00:01:08,820 --> 00:01:11,420 like you're inviting all the men into you. 16 00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:15,940 - Get off it! - Away. - Mate, that machine 17 00:01:15,940 --> 00:01:19,900 Lassies sit on that machine to send out the signal to guys that they know 18 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:23,900 what it's all about when it comes to opening their legs. Right? 19 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:27,380 And see fuds like him, they do press-ups so lassies go, 20 00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:31,300 "Oh, he takes all his weight on his arms and goes up and down on us 21 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,460 "like a beast until I've hit the tickly bit." Right? 22 00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:38,140 Guys do that. Lassies go on this. It's a mating dance, mate. Now get off it! 23 00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:40,940 Mate with that, mate. 24 00:01:42,460 --> 00:01:44,460 You're a total brasser, by the way. 25 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,820 A total embarrassment. 26 00:02:08,900 --> 00:02:11,420 RAPPING: Brother, I got a big question 27 00:02:11,420 --> 00:02:13,620 It's a question that's on my lips 28 00:02:13,620 --> 00:02:18,380 It's really doing my box in It's putting me off of my chips! 29 00:02:18,380 --> 00:02:20,820 I know what you're going to ask me, my man 30 00:02:20,820 --> 00:02:22,260 I've got the same question too 31 00:02:22,260 --> 00:02:25,380 It's a question all about a bus shelter 32 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:27,700 And a motherbucking shoe 33 00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:29,940 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 34 00:02:29,940 --> 00:02:32,140 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 35 00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:34,420 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 36 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:36,980 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 37 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:38,980 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 38 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:41,260 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 39 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:43,660 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 40 00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:46,020 Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they? 41 00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:48,140 Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that? 42 00:02:48,140 --> 00:02:50,420 Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that? 43 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,700 Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that? 44 00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:55,260 Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that? 45 00:02:55,260 --> 00:02:57,380 Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that? 46 00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,620 Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that? 47 00:02:59,620 --> 00:03:00,780 Whose glove is that? 48 00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,980 Whose glove is that? Whose motherbucking glove is that? 49 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,700 That guy dies at the end. 50 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:11,540 - That guy dies at the end. - That guy dies at the end. 51 00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:14,140 That guy dies at the end. 52 00:03:14,140 --> 00:03:15,660 Could you be quiet? 53 00:03:15,660 --> 00:03:18,260 Sorry. Just saying that guy, the main guy in the film, 54 00:03:18,260 --> 00:03:19,980 that guy there, he dies at the end. 55 00:03:19,980 --> 00:03:23,420 She shoots him. At the end. That's how it ends. 56 00:03:23,420 --> 00:03:26,100 Well, we don't want to know that. Shut up! 57 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:32,260 Nice hair. 58 00:03:35,740 --> 00:03:37,180 Nice hair. 59 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,820 Lovely hair. 60 00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:40,740 - What? - Nice hair. 61 00:03:40,740 --> 00:03:43,220 - Shut up. - Not you, your boyfriend. 62 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:46,180 I'm a lassie! Now shut up! 63 00:03:46,180 --> 00:03:47,780 No, you're not. You're a hamster. 64 00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:51,020 - What was that? - You're a hamster. 65 00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:54,220 I'm not talking to stupid wee boys about hamsters! 66 00:03:54,220 --> 00:03:56,700 Talking about you. You're a hamster. 67 00:03:56,700 --> 00:04:00,460 - How am I a hamster? - Shhh. Quiet, please. Watching the film. 68 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:01,980 Oh, shut up. 69 00:04:05,420 --> 00:04:08,460 - Nice hair. - Will you shut up? - Not you. Your hamster. 70 00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,300 How am I a hamster? 71 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,780 - What are you saying? - Nice hair. - How am I a hamster? 72 00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:17,060 - Ignore them! - How come they're saying I'm a hamster? 73 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,660 - Aye! How am I a hamster? - Shhh! 74 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,420 - We'll get you flung out. - Straight back to the pet shop. 75 00:04:22,420 --> 00:04:25,220 - Straight back to the zoo. - The hamster zoo. 76 00:04:25,220 --> 00:04:26,900 Answer me, you pair of wee dicks! 77 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:29,020 I'm trying to watch this motion picture here. 78 00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:33,140 Trying to watch this Oscar-nominated motion picture. 79 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,740 Why did you say I'm a hamster? 80 00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,300 This is a disgrace. 81 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:41,580 I can't hear a thing because of all this squeaking from this hamster. 82 00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:45,260 - Hey. Why a hamster? - Will you leave it alone, for God's sake! 83 00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:47,780 Why are they saying I'm a hamster? 84 00:04:47,780 --> 00:04:50,940 I don't know! Your cheeks or your teeth! I don't know! 85 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,260 Popcorn, Marky? 86 00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:13,100 GLASS SMASHES 87 00:05:21,540 --> 00:05:26,100 - Look. Erra Pope. - What? 88 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:29,020 Erra bold Pope, hanging about with they wee guys, man. 89 00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,580 What's he doing there? 90 00:05:37,620 --> 00:05:42,340 I'm going to phone the police. I'm sick of them hanging around there, annoying people. 91 00:05:42,340 --> 00:05:45,900 No, leave them alone. They're not doing anything. 92 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:49,220 Pope's having a wee swally, is all. 93 00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:04,540 No, maybe you better phone the police after all. 94 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,220 All right? 95 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:19,300 I'm not ready yet. But just wait in there 96 00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:22,220 - with my da' and all my mad uncles. - What? 97 00:06:24,980 --> 00:06:27,820 This is Wee Danny. Gonae talk to him till I get ready? 98 00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:38,700 Take a seat in the guest chair. 99 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:45,900 I'm all right standing. 100 00:06:49,540 --> 00:06:52,940 - Are you squaring up to me in my own house? - No. I'll... I'll sit. 101 00:07:01,020 --> 00:07:06,820 I can't hear a word this wee boy's saying. Give him the karaoke mike. 102 00:07:12,820 --> 00:07:16,020 - So what you wanting Caitlin for? - I'm taking her to the... 103 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:18,500 Into the mike, son. 104 00:07:18,500 --> 00:07:21,900 So we can all hear you. 105 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:24,380 I'm taking her to the pictures. 106 00:07:24,380 --> 00:07:27,940 I'm no taking any more of that off this wee prick! 107 00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:28,980 Sit down, Eddie. 108 00:07:28,980 --> 00:07:31,260 Let the boy talk. 109 00:07:31,260 --> 00:07:37,780 If you're going to go back to the jail for him, you better make sure he's worth it. 110 00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:41,460 - So what film is it you're going to see? - The Double Date. 111 00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:45,020 And what genre of film is that? 112 00:07:45,020 --> 00:07:46,820 Romantic comedy. 113 00:07:48,980 --> 00:07:51,060 Steady, Tam. Hold. 114 00:07:51,060 --> 00:07:54,420 My blood's up. MY BLOOD'S UP! 115 00:07:56,580 --> 00:08:01,500 - I'm sure there was a write-up about that film in the paper today. - Aye? 116 00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:03,820 Did it say it was up to much cop? 117 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:11,540 Do I look like the kind of guy that reads reviews of romantic comedies? 118 00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:16,660 - In your own house, Adam, he's talking to you like this. - Let me see this. 119 00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:28,020 "The Double Date will have you doubled over." 120 00:08:28,020 --> 00:08:32,700 Why would you want my daughter doubled over? 121 00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:36,300 - I don't. I just thought it looked funny. - There's more. 122 00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:42,940 - "The Double Date, starring... Russell Brand..." - A beast. 123 00:08:42,940 --> 00:08:46,180 A boastful sex beast! 124 00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,900 "..is a whip smart, saucy sex romp." 125 00:08:48,900 --> 00:08:52,940 A whip smart saucy sex romp? 126 00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,620 - Whip smart saucy? - Saucy sex? 127 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:57,820 Sex romp? 128 00:08:57,820 --> 00:09:04,020 Romp? Romp? ALL: Romp? Romp? Romp! 129 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:11,740 Romp! Why would you want to take my daughter to a romp? 130 00:09:11,740 --> 00:09:14,220 I'd just heard it was funny. 131 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:21,260 Reading between the lines here, this jagged wee spur has said to himself, "I'm so full of spunk and bravado, 132 00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:25,620 "I'm going to go round to that lassie's house and pish in her da's face." 133 00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:29,740 Is that what you're planning for me in my own house? 134 00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:39,420 Ronnie! Get the handcuffs and the spoons. 135 00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:00,940 Da! No. Not again. 136 00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:03,260 This is how it is with men, darling. 137 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:05,500 There's no other way. 138 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:06,540 Come on! 139 00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:07,980 Argh! 140 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,100 Ooh! 141 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:18,700 No-o-o... 142 00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:23,340 Adam! No-o-o! 143 00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:31,420 Ada-a-am no-o-o! 144 00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:33,580 Da-a-a! 145 00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,340 Anybody else want some? 146 00:10:47,540 --> 00:10:49,300 That's what I thought. 147 00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:58,020 And the same goes for all you old bastards with teenage daughters. 148 00:10:58,020 --> 00:11:03,020 Us wee guys only put up with your growling because we're trying to get our hole. 149 00:11:03,020 --> 00:11:08,940 The fact is, old yin, your daughter's boyfriend is younger and fitter and stronger than you, 150 00:11:08,940 --> 00:11:12,980 and could floor you without breaking a sweat. 151 00:11:12,980 --> 00:11:19,220 Instead of worrying about what he's after, just thank him for the fact that he allows you to breathe. 152 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,580 On you go, thank him the now. 153 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,380 Phone him if you need tae! 154 00:11:23,380 --> 00:11:28,940 Your daughters are ours now! Yas! 155 00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:33,380 All right? I'm Jolly Boy John. 156 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:38,020 Jolly Boy John asking for a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana 157 00:11:38,020 --> 00:11:39,780 is for real! For real! 158 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:40,980 All right, mate? 159 00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:44,780 Want to give us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana? 160 00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:49,180 All right, darlin'? Want to gives us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana? 161 00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:51,620 Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's bunnets on his head 162 00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:55,380 and a wee chocolate banana for a moustache is for real! 163 00:11:55,380 --> 00:12:00,700 Do you want to see the wee chocolate banana dance, Margaret? 164 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:11,140 Wee chocolate banana! For real. 165 00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:12,180 For real! 166 00:12:12,180 --> 00:12:13,540 For real! 167 00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:16,980 Jolly Boy John with hundreds of wee chocolate bananas sellotaped 168 00:12:16,980 --> 00:12:20,380 to his body, licking a cardboard cut-out of JK Rowling is for real. 169 00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:23,900 I'm licking JK Rowling. 170 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,460 I'm licking JK Rowling. 171 00:12:25,460 --> 00:12:27,980 I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling. 172 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:31,060 I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling. 173 00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:34,060 I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling. 174 00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:35,940 Wee chocolate banana! 175 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,420 Wee chocolate banana! 176 00:12:42,420 --> 00:12:48,340 50 Cent, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Wu Tang Clan - yous say you want to be 177 00:12:48,340 --> 00:12:50,220 as real as Jolly Boy John? 178 00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:54,060 Get real! 179 00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:57,780 When Burnistoun's two greatest Kenny Rogers tribute acts 180 00:12:57,780 --> 00:13:03,180 came face to face, many thought there would be violence and bloodshed. 181 00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:07,620 No-one predicted that they would fall in love. 182 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:13,380 'I knew I had to see this Kenny Rogers impersonator 183 00:13:13,380 --> 00:13:16,300 'who was supposedly better than me.' 184 00:13:16,300 --> 00:13:18,540 I sat in the front row 185 00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:21,420 and when he walked out on to the stage, I thought, 186 00:13:21,420 --> 00:13:23,260 "My God, I've been duped here. 187 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,420 "This is the real Kenny Rogers." 188 00:13:29,620 --> 00:13:33,540 I walked on the stage, and I looked in the front row and my legs just turned to jelly. 189 00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:38,660 I thought to myself "Oh, my God, the real Kenny Rogers has come to see me." 190 00:13:38,660 --> 00:13:45,540 My friends had to spend the first half hour of the gig persuading me that it wasn't the real Kenny Rogers. 191 00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:49,660 I had to stop the gig 20 minutes in to phone Kenny Rogers' management 192 00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:54,660 to confirm whether or not he was in Scotland attending a gig at the Burnistoun Masonic. 193 00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:57,940 I eventually realised the truth. 194 00:13:57,940 --> 00:14:00,300 He's not Kenny Rogers. 195 00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:03,380 He's better than Kenny Rogers. 196 00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,180 He's better at being Kenny Rogers 197 00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:07,540 than Kenny Rogers is at being Kenny Rogers. 198 00:14:07,540 --> 00:14:10,980 I said to myself, "If that's not Kenny Rogers, 199 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:14,460 "then that's an angel come to earth in the form of Kenny Rogers. 200 00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:18,060 "Either way, that's the Kenny Rogers I'm going to marry." 201 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:23,220 And when he brought me up on to the stage and 202 00:14:23,220 --> 00:14:28,260 sang Lady to me and kissed me softly on my beard, 203 00:14:28,260 --> 00:14:31,780 well, you could have heard a hearing aid drop. 204 00:14:31,780 --> 00:14:33,820 Our wedding day was beautiful. 205 00:14:33,820 --> 00:14:37,060 Very traditional. We did the throwing of the beard 206 00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:39,740 to see who the next Kenny Rogers would be. 207 00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:41,580 One, two, three! 208 00:14:43,940 --> 00:14:45,700 My niece caught it. 209 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,420 She was so excited. 210 00:14:51,580 --> 00:14:53,500 We can be quite competitive 211 00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:56,900 about being the best Kenny Rogers in the house. 212 00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:02,540 - I'll pull your white beard off your - BLEEP 213 00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:05,220 Don't you dare say I'm weak on The Gambler. 214 00:15:05,220 --> 00:15:07,420 You should be singing Jingle Bells. 215 00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:10,100 - You look more like - BLEEP - Santa Claus! 216 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:14,820 I wish I'd stuck with Dolly! Even though she had weer tits than you! 217 00:15:14,820 --> 00:15:19,420 Every marriage has its ups and downs, and, well, ours is no different. 218 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:21,620 But as long as we love each other 219 00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:26,220 and as long as there's a Kenny Rogers, I'm sure we'll be just fine. 220 00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:29,380 You got to know when to hold 'em 221 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:34,100 Know when to fold 'em 222 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,820 Know when to walk away 223 00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,300 And know when to run 224 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:42,660 You never count your money 225 00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:45,500 When you're sitting at the table 226 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,780 There'll be time enough for counting 227 00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:50,580 When the dealing's done. 228 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,340 That's a really wee wardrobe you've got. 229 00:16:15,340 --> 00:16:19,900 What are you talking about? My wardrobe's just a normal size. 230 00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,460 That one? 231 00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:25,340 That's...not my wardrobe. 232 00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:30,540 Just how wee is this wardrobe, son? 233 00:16:32,060 --> 00:16:35,260 They say that it's really, really wee. 234 00:16:41,340 --> 00:16:43,340 No-o-o-o-o-o! 235 00:16:52,060 --> 00:16:54,580 Begone, wee wardrobe! 236 00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:20,220 One, two, three, the wardrobe is wee 237 00:17:20,220 --> 00:17:24,700 Four and five, it's about to arrive. 238 00:17:27,020 --> 00:17:29,340 It's the wee wardrobe. 239 00:17:29,340 --> 00:17:32,180 It's the wee wardrobe! 240 00:17:34,380 --> 00:17:36,180 'The Small Wardrobe. 241 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,140 - 'Rated R.' 242 00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:41,180 Come on, Shaky Dancer! Come on! 243 00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,300 - It's gonna hold on! - Go on, Shaky Dancer! 244 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,420 Go on, son! Go on! GO ON! 245 00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:48,340 - No! - No! NO! NO! NO! 246 00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:51,260 - No! - NO! You lousy bastard. 247 00:17:51,260 --> 00:17:54,260 You lousy, lazy, lame bastard! 248 00:17:54,260 --> 00:17:56,180 No luck there, man. Nearly held on there as well. 249 00:17:56,180 --> 00:18:01,060 Oh, no. 1300 quid, you'd have won there and all. 250 00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:02,580 Sickener! 251 00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:14,700 What did you call me? 252 00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:17,340 Face the front. 253 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:21,580 Are you Shaky Dancer? 254 00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:24,060 Mr Dancer to you. 255 00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:27,180 What did you call me? 256 00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:30,380 I called you a lousy, lazy, lame bastard. Ow! 257 00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,580 That's what I heard. 258 00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:34,820 Just so you know, wee man. 259 00:18:34,820 --> 00:18:38,460 I could have taken the rest of they fannies any day of the week. 260 00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:40,460 I chose to lose. 261 00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:42,020 I bet against myself. 262 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,100 - Ya f... - Not my biggest pay day. 263 00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:47,380 But it was worth 1300 quid. 264 00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:50,300 Now, don't let me see you at my racecourse again. 265 00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:57,180 Ya dirty cheating bastard! 266 00:18:57,180 --> 00:18:59,540 THUMPING CAR HORN BLARES 267 00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:02,140 I needed that money! 268 00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:04,180 HORSE WHINNIES 269 00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:13,740 Aye, you better run! 270 00:19:13,740 --> 00:19:17,660 I'll be back for my 1300 quid tomorrow, or you'll be glue! 271 00:19:17,660 --> 00:19:19,180 Aye, away back to your jockey! 272 00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,580 Go on! 273 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:24,700 Come here, you! 274 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:34,140 I'm Alex Ciderson. Are you suffering the horror 275 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,820 of having a metal brace in your mouth? 276 00:19:36,820 --> 00:19:41,180 That's ghastly! Is it really making your life a misery? 277 00:19:44,940 --> 00:19:49,220 Oh, wouldn't it be great if you could get your horrible squinty teeth 278 00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:52,620 fixed without everybody knowing you had a brace in? 279 00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:58,060 Well, now you can, with Brace Mouth from the Alex Ciderson Company. 280 00:19:58,060 --> 00:20:02,900 Just clip our ultra-realistic mouth onto your braces, and viola! 281 00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:06,140 You look better than ever. 282 00:20:06,140 --> 00:20:08,900 Smashing mouth, friend. 283 00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:14,180 - It's been quite some time since I seen a sweet mouth like that, old chap. 284 00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:21,140 It can even improve your useless, unnecessarily wet teenage kissing. 285 00:20:21,140 --> 00:20:23,420 Brace Mouth from Ciderson's. 286 00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:28,180 Don't get bullied and beaten up in the school toilets like I did. 287 00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:30,860 It wasn't fair. 288 00:20:30,860 --> 00:20:32,380 I hated school. 289 00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:39,260 Walter, you need to come out from underneath that blanket 290 00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,460 and start your work. 291 00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:42,860 I can't come out from under this blanket, 292 00:20:42,860 --> 00:20:46,420 because you made me watch that horror film last night anyway! 293 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:48,420 It wasn't a horror film, Walter. 294 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:50,300 It was The Jools Holland Show! 295 00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,740 Well, I don't even know who Jools Holland is, 296 00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,340 but I'm scared of him anyway! 297 00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:59,620 Serve that lassie. 298 00:21:04,060 --> 00:21:07,660 - Can I help ye? - Do you sell tampons? 299 00:21:17,340 --> 00:21:20,260 - Paul. - What is it? 300 00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:22,780 My brother. My big brother... 301 00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:25,420 - What is it? - My handsome big brother. 302 00:21:25,420 --> 00:21:27,580 - What is it? - What is a... 303 00:21:30,100 --> 00:21:36,660 - One second. What was that word you just said anyway? - Tampons? 304 00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:38,740 Thank you! 305 00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:41,980 Paul, what's a tampons? 306 00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:44,340 Who said that? 307 00:21:44,340 --> 00:21:49,300 - That lassie. - That is inappropriate! Let me deal with this. 308 00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:55,580 Well, what is it, Paul? What is a tampons anyway? 309 00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:04,220 Don't you dare use that word in front of my brother, 310 00:22:04,220 --> 00:22:08,940 when his mammy's ashes are sitting right there on top of the Roysters! 311 00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:11,500 I was just asking. Some vans sell them. 312 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:13,620 Well, we certainly don't. 313 00:22:13,620 --> 00:22:15,900 This is a family van. 314 00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:22,220 - Now, beat it! - What is it, what's a tampons? 315 00:22:22,220 --> 00:22:25,860 It doesn't matter. 316 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:29,580 - Is it something to do with Jools Holland? - No. 317 00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:31,500 Just play with your jigsaw. 318 00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:42,900 Paul? 319 00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,860 What? 320 00:22:44,860 --> 00:22:46,900 Do you believe in Jools Holland? 321 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,500 Aye. 322 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:51,980 Aye, Walter, I do believe in Jools Holland, because he's real. 323 00:22:51,980 --> 00:22:55,420 He's a real guy. He's a telly presenter. 324 00:22:55,420 --> 00:22:59,420 He's not a monster. It wasn't a horror film, for the last time! 325 00:22:59,420 --> 00:23:02,940 Well, I think all they films should be banned anyway, because 326 00:23:02,940 --> 00:23:05,940 I think I warped my mind watching that Jools Holland last night! 327 00:23:05,940 --> 00:23:08,420 Oh, your mind's always been warped! 328 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:12,060 Don't you say that when my best pal's here in the van! 329 00:23:12,060 --> 00:23:15,380 That's not a best pal. That's a Breville toaster. 330 00:23:15,380 --> 00:23:17,020 It's not a Breville toaster! 331 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:19,340 That's my best pal! 332 00:23:19,340 --> 00:23:22,060 Reginald P Bartholomew Esquire! 333 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:24,100 And you've hurt his feelings. 334 00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:25,820 It's a Breville toaster! 335 00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:27,740 And I'm sick of having to pull it out your bed 336 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,540 every time I want a toastie! 337 00:23:29,540 --> 00:23:31,340 It was you! 338 00:23:31,340 --> 00:23:33,540 It was you that was putting cheese in him! 339 00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:40,700 - I thought he had an infection! You're a tampons! - Walter! 340 00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:46,260 Look, everybody, see my brother. He's a big, fat tampon! 341 00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:54,740 - What? - Did you just embarrass my daughter a few minutes ago? 342 00:23:56,740 --> 00:23:59,700 Erm... 343 00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:02,340 Walter, look! It's Jools Holland! 344 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:04,100 Aaagh! 345 00:24:06,260 --> 00:24:07,700 I'll start the van! 346 00:24:12,540 --> 00:24:14,780 No, wait! Reginald isn't... 347 00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:19,740 Reginald! I'll never forget you anyways! 348 00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:39,700 I need to buy some new tights as well. 349 00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:42,780 Yeah, I need to buy you some new tights, you mean. 350 00:24:42,780 --> 00:24:44,940 When did your last wage come in again? 351 00:24:45,100 --> 00:24:48,500 - ELECTRIC BUZZ Ow! - What? 352 00:24:48,500 --> 00:24:50,700 I just got a shock off that there! 353 00:24:50,700 --> 00:24:53,380 - Och, away. - Er, yeah, I did. 354 00:24:56,740 --> 00:24:58,860 See? It's fine. 355 00:24:58,860 --> 00:25:01,300 Yeah, it's fine now, idiot. 356 00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:05,020 - Are you saying I'm a liar or something? - I'm away. 357 00:25:23,740 --> 00:25:26,180 Lovely pakora, this, McGregor. 358 00:25:26,180 --> 00:25:28,180 That's because it's from a curry shop 359 00:25:28,180 --> 00:25:32,180 that's a front for a drugs empire, so the kitchens are spotless. 360 00:25:32,180 --> 00:25:35,620 Aye. That's the key to a good takeaway, sure it is. 361 00:25:35,620 --> 00:25:39,060 If the kitchens are clean, it's run by gangsters. 362 00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:42,460 That's why we police always go easy on the gangsters, isn't it? 363 00:25:42,460 --> 00:25:44,300 Cos ye need your scran. 364 00:25:44,300 --> 00:25:47,820 Got tae protect your scran. 365 00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:57,660 Mind what we were told, 366 00:25:57,660 --> 00:26:01,340 no making an arse of the crime scene before the detectives arrive. 367 00:26:01,340 --> 00:26:03,540 Don't worry, McGregor. 368 00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:05,620 Quality police all the way. 369 00:26:07,500 --> 00:26:09,500 Poor bugger. Shot in the head. 370 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:12,260 Gangland hit is what I'm seeing here. 371 00:26:12,260 --> 00:26:15,660 Aye, so you'll be hearing nothing more about this one, 372 00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:17,900 seeing as how tasty this pakora is. 373 00:26:21,340 --> 00:26:23,580 Oh, here. 374 00:26:23,580 --> 00:26:25,700 Oh, here what? 375 00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:29,060 I've spilled chilli sauce all over this body. Is that all right? 376 00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:31,300 Aye, there's more sauce out in the motor, sure. 377 00:26:31,300 --> 00:26:34,220 No, I mean, cos it's like a crime scene and all that, 378 00:26:34,220 --> 00:26:35,740 - you know that way? - Oh, aye. 379 00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:39,620 - Right enough. - I'll just mix it in with the blood. 380 00:26:39,620 --> 00:26:46,340 - There you go. - Easy-ozy, quality polis. 381 00:26:46,340 --> 00:26:48,700 Right, then. Let's see these CDs over here. 382 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,780 See if there's any Hall and Oates in here. 383 00:26:50,780 --> 00:26:52,500 Toshan! Toshan, look! 384 00:26:52,500 --> 00:26:54,660 Oh, here. 385 00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:58,660 What did I tell ye! If this wasn't a crime scene, I'd pepper you! 386 00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:01,100 Right, calm down, all right? We're quality polis. 387 00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:02,620 We'll sort it out. 388 00:27:04,300 --> 00:27:06,060 Take his shoes off. 389 00:27:06,060 --> 00:27:10,340 - What? - I'll swap shoes with him. 390 00:27:10,340 --> 00:27:13,620 Then it'll be his footprints all over the floor! Aye. 391 00:27:19,620 --> 00:27:23,980 Hold on. What's the picture here? The guy gets shot in the head, 392 00:27:23,980 --> 00:27:26,740 then he gets up and walks over to his CDs? 393 00:27:26,740 --> 00:27:28,940 What's he doing, picking songs for his cremation? 394 00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:31,020 Well, you're overthinking things here, McGregor, as per. 395 00:27:31,020 --> 00:27:35,900 Right, it'll just be like one of them murder scene mysteries, 396 00:27:35,900 --> 00:27:38,700 like The Mystery of the Guy Who... 397 00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:42,740 I Hope To God Has A Wooden Leg. 398 00:27:44,420 --> 00:27:48,100 - Oh...buckin' unbelievable. - You better hide that leg. - Why? 399 00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:53,300 Because all your DNA will be all over it now. 400 00:27:56,340 --> 00:27:58,740 Oh, no, that wee dog's escaped! 401 00:27:58,740 --> 00:28:04,140 You stupid bastard, it's a hamster! Right, clean him off. 402 00:28:10,460 --> 00:28:12,260 Aaah! A zombie! 403 00:28:13,620 --> 00:28:16,500 I told you zombies were real! 404 00:28:16,500 --> 00:28:18,820 Hey, give me my leg! 405 00:28:18,820 --> 00:28:23,260 Ow. Must have fell and hit my head a dillion. 406 00:28:24,980 --> 00:28:27,020 Pakora, belter. 407 00:28:34,660 --> 00:28:37,700 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 408 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,740 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 409 00:28:40,790 --> 00:28:45,340 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 32215

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