All language subtitles for Burnistoun s01e06.eng

All right, mate?

All right, Peter, man. How you doin'?

I'm no' bad, Scott. I'm going to
cut to the chase here, mate.

The boys are wanting me
tae have a wee word with you.

Oh, aye? Sounds ominous.

Just about some o' this patter
you've been hittin' oot wi'

when you've been in the pub wi' us.

- Ma patter?
- Aye.

Well, I mean, I know we're no' gangsters
or anything like that, right,

but people know no' to mess.

Some of this new patter

you've been using
is making us look a bit...

dolly.

Who's sayin' we're dolly?

You send them to the MC Bumslap

and I'll lay a heavy beat doon
on their buttocks, man.

Aye, see, that's the kinda thing
I'm talkin' about, really.

What's wrang wi' sayin' buttocks?

It's just the wrang kinda word
for guys like us.

So who gets to say buttocks?

I don't know, mate, but no' us.

That guy mouthin' off
in the pub the other day,

and you told him that you were
the King of Skelpy Bum Mountain,

and you were gonnae redden his rump.

That's good patter, mate.

Skelpy Bum Mountain
is not good patter, mate.

Well, a guy's no' gonnae like it

when the Botty Thrash Master
crimsons his cheeks, is he?

What's wi' all the arse skelping stuff,
for one thing?

- It embarrasses the guy.
- It embarrasses us!

Oh, is that right?

Aye, so you're going to censor me?

I'm just tellin' ye.

So what patter d'ye
want me to use, then?

If a guy's out of order doon the pub,

tell him, "Get oot the pub
or yer gettin' it."

Don't tell him that

Prince Buttock Lash is gonnae make
his bottom blush or any of that rubbish.

You're gettin' it.
You're gettin' leathered.

- Get oot, or I'll boot yer baws.
- Aye.

That's cos it's the established lingo
o' threatenin' a guy, in't it?

These are the phrases we agreed on
when it came to warning a guy.

I never agreed on it. We need tae
widen the scope o' our language.

The guys doon the pub
might act like they respect us,

but do you know
what they say aboot us on way hame?

What?

They're saying they guys lack creativity
in their verbal threats.

Naebody has ever even thought that,
ya muppet.

Noo, you're gonnae end up sittin' in that
pub by yersel', mate, you've been warned.

Warned, aye?

Well, see the next time
I threaten a guy, I'm gonnae tell him

that Big Billy Bum Scud
is gonnae blacken his bum cheeks.

Don't make that guy be you, Peter.

Me?

So what's the matter with you?

The Archduke Bollock Bash
blootered his berries.

- What?
- He kicked us in the baws.

My new creation is inspired by a
Scottish style that fell out of fashion.

Kagerfeld's autumn collection

showcases a new style of headwear
for his fashion-forward followers.

Le poly bag on le man's heid.

But now I make it my own.

I make it...

very chic.

Non, non, le poly bag must roll up so,

it must sit across the brow,

the rain will gather above,
and it will look very chic.

Beautiful, oui?

Will you look at
some material samples now?

Oui.

This is a beautiful Pound Shop poly bag.

Non. Idiot.

The seam is all wrong, la, non.

This is a lunchtime bakery poly bag.

Lunch tame bakkerie?

Eh, oui, for you, know, er...
pasties and lunchtime meat. How you say...

Meaty beef pies?

Non, non, meat shaped like a cocoon?

A bridie. A mutton bridie.

Eh, oui, a bridie.

Ah, oui, like a leetle, uh,
tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

No, a bridie. A meaty mutton bridie?

- Oh, bridie!
- Oui.

Non, non, I 'ate this bag.

Well, OK, we also have
this beautiful poly bag,

Richie Stroke, Burnistoun Butcher.

This is...

That is the poly bag.

Alors.

La.

Et voil�!

Davie, your thoughts on today's game.

Well, we dominated again,
but, you know, we havenae scored.

I know the fans will say
we need a top class striker,

but the reality we've got to face
here at Burnistoun United

is that the Wayne Rooneys of this world

willnae come and play in Scotland.

I'm sure most of them would.

What do you mean?

Well, you might not get the one
who plays with Manchester United,

but all the other Wayne Rooneys
of this world

would be delighted
to earn 20 grand a week, I'm sure.

But then again, how many
of the Wayne Rooneys of this world,

bar the one who plays with Man U,

would actually be good enough
to play at this level?

And how would you decide between
all these Wayne Rooneys?

Would you trial them?

There's thousands of them.
I mean, where would they all live?

Would you have to set up a Wayne Rooneys
village near the training centre?

Or were you just pluralising the names
of football players

for absolutely no reason again?

I'll tell you something.
Don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again.

What is it?

I know, I'm sorry.

I mean, this is the reason
we came here, is it no'?

To get away frae the city,
to get away frae everybody we know.

- To be ourselves.
- Don't dress it up.

We're cheating on our wives here.

What if somebody saw us?

Look, Margaret and your Carol
are back in Burnistoun.

We're safe here.

Gimme your haun.

Dermot! James!
What are you doing here?

Saw what you were doing there.

Shakin' hands on a wee
business deal, eh?

Aye, aye, that's what it was.

Ah, well, good luck to you,
boys, nice to see you.

Jesus. What're the bloody chances?

He doesnae know our wives, does he?

Naw. God, I hope no'.

Dermot!

Dermot, big yin.

All right, Billy?

Here, he's been talking all week
about a dirty weekend. Are you it?

Ha, ha, only kidding you on!

No, but where is your missus, but?

She's back in Burnistoun.

- We're here on business.
- Excuse me,

just a wee request.

I was cleaning your room,

and I noticed youse had pushed
your two single beds together.

Just wondering if you can separate them
later, as you're blocking an air vent.

OK. Sorry.

Hang on, are you Margaret Hunter's man?

My wee cousin Margaret, aye?

- You're related?
- Aye.

What were youse pushing the beds
together for?

Aye, what are youse
pushing the beds together for?

We werenae. We were just trying
to clear a bit of space

to have a brainstorming session.

Aye. An arse-storming session,
by the sounds of it.

Don't be silly. We're married men.

Just bammin' you up.

Dermot?

How strange I should bump
into you here.

Is this where you bring
all your one-night stands?

Who is this? What's he talking aboot,
one-night stands?

- He's naebody.
- Nobody?

Don't you dare slap my grandson
across the face.

- Granda?
- Yes. I'm here on a fishing trip.

I'll get a photo of all of us
and send it to your wives.

Congratulations!

You two are our 1,000th couple.

We're no' a couple.

We're here on business.

But the BBC News are here
to cover the story.

So, how about a little kiss, then,
boys, eh?

Time for the fireworks!

- What can I do for you, darlin'?
- Can I just have one of your poly bags?

Eh...aye.

Sure.

What can I do for you, fella?

Are you Richie Stroke?

Aye, that's me, Richie Stroke.
Burnistoun Butcher at your service.

I can see we're gonnae have
a wee problem here.

Aye?

Why's that?

Because I'm the
Burnistoun Butcher.

Have you got a butcher's shop an' all?
Where ye set up?

No, no, no, I'm no' an actual butcher,

but that's what they call me.

They call me The Burnistoun Butcher.

Who calls you that?
Oh, your customers, you mean?

No, no.

The polis call me that.

The papers call me that.

Aye, the papers call me that as well.

Got an advert in the
Herald every Tuesday.

Yer really no' gettin' me here. Look.

Look what I've got here.

Aye, I've got one o' them an' all, son.
It's for choppin' up beef.

How long have you been a butcher?
You sound new to this game.

Look, I'm no' a butcher, look.

- How do you think this happened?
- Hoo hoo hoo!

Rookie butcher error, son.

Forgot to put yer apron on
before you opened the shop?

I don't have a shop, right?

Everything I need I keep up here.

Aye, I love my wee butcher's hat an' all,
I know what you mean, know what you mean.

Naw, naw, naw, no' my butcher's hat.
I'm no' a butcher.

But you just said you were.

I am a butcher, I am a butcher,
I'm just...

I'm no' the kind of butcher
you think I am.

Oh.

You're one o' thae organic butchers.

Naw, naw, I'm no' a butcher...

I am a butcher.

Just listen, right?

You'd better stop callin' yersel'
the Burnistoun Butcher,

or you'll be in trouble.

Don't threaten me wi' lawyers, son.

I've been the Burnistoun Butcher
for years.

Think you're going to open
a new butcher's shop using ma name?

It's you that'd better be worried
about gettin' sued.

I'm no' a butcher, right?!

I'm an actual butcher.

I mean, I'm no' a
butcher butcher.

Ah, tae hell wi' you.

You'll be hearin' aboot me.

Aye, hearin' aboot yer pies
no' havin' any meat in 'em, nae doubt.

I see the Burnistoun Butcher's
struck again.

Aye? Oh, God, what's he done now?

Only gone and reduced his ashet pies
to 50p a pop.

Buckin' joke, man.

Well now, well now,
we all had a good laugh

at the charity ball last night,

when Mr Coughlin's wife Marge
complained about

having pins and needles in her feet.

What did she expect?

Every hour Mr Coughlin is in London,
she spends with her legs in the air,

yes, having sex with men.

Well now, well now,

I wonder if Mr Brogue

has considered the possibility

that the reason none of his constituents
are using the cycle lanes

he had installed at great cost

is because they're all too busy
riding the local bike,

his wife, Mrs Brogue? Yes, yes.

Bike in the sexual sense.

Well now, well now,

on a day when Mr Coughlin is trying
so hard to charm the trade unions,

one wonders if he realises

what his own wife Marge
has in common with those trade unions?

And what would that be?

They've both spent years
being shafted by Tories.

Yes, shafted with the shaft
of the male genitalia indeed.

Well now, well now, shafted, is it?

Isn't it ironic
that while the MSP for Burnistoun North

was doing his damnedest
to shut the Burnistoun coal mines,

his good wife had so many helmets
in her own mineshaft?

Yeah, jerry helmets,
I'm talking about. Yeah.

With respect to our German friends
in the EU.

Well now, well now, likewise,

on a day when Mr Coughlin has spent
so long talking about the military,

one wonders if he understands
the difference between his wife, Marge,

- and the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan.
- What?

His wife likes missiles in her cave.

Well now...

- Well now...
- Well now,

it looks like Mr Coughlin
has run out of patter,

much like his government
has run out of ideas!

Order! Order!

I refer the honourable gentleman
to the slaggings I handed out earlier.

- Ladies' night.
- Ladies' night. Kelly's idea.

Can I still come in?

- You a lady?
- Do I have to be one?

Nae clues.

- Are ye a lady?
- Naw.

Ladies' night.

- So I'm no' allowed in?
- Naw.

But the pub's empty.

- Aye. It's empty o' men.
- Naw,

it's empty o' everybody bar you,
and you're a man.

I'm no' a man. I'm a bar man.

Am I going to have to go hame
and put a dress on?

It's ladies' night, no' trannies night.

- How come you can stay but I cannae?
- I just telt ye. I'm behind the bar.

- I'm staff.
- Gie us a job, then.

All right?
What can we all get fer youse?

Hello there. I'm Dougie Flapps,
this is my brother Duggie Flapps.

We're frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps
Dug Flaps And Flat Caps.

You phoned us about
buying some flat caps.

A dug flap, I was looking for.

Luckily Dougie And Duggie Flapps
Dug Flaps And Flat Caps

also sell dug flaps
as well as flat caps.

Come in.

Can I interest you
in some flat caps while I'm here?

No, thanks.

There's a 50% discount on flat caps for
every dug flap purchased with a flat cap

frae Dougie And Duggie Flapps
Dug Flaps And Flat Caps.

No, thanks.

So, is this an access door here?

- Aye.
- An' is it a real dug you've got?

A labrador.

Right, well,
imagine my brother is a labrador.

Grease that floor up a bit, Duggie.

Picture this. Big labrador dug
runnin' towards

your back door,
trying to get in the hoose.

Show him, Duggie.

Now, imagine my brother's heid
was made o' dug,

and he never had a flat cap on.
He'd be deid.

You all right, pal?

Let's be honest, my brother cannae run
as fast as a labrador dug can run.

I'm the only one that can do that.

So, let's see what happens
at full dug speed. Oot the way, Duggie.

You all right?

Oh...oh! Phew,

that's a concussion shot, that.

Your labrador is lucky to be alive
wi' a door that hard.

What you need, sir, is a dug flap.

I've already told you
I want a dug flap.

Ye don't have to convince me.

You might have pointed that out
before the demonstration,

instead of trying to buy flat caps.

I never mentioned anything aboot
flat caps. That was you.

Right, OK, OK.
So where do you want your dug flap?

In the ceiling, in the window?

In the door.

And you realise we need to make a hole in
the door for the dug flap to be effective?

You cannae have a dug flap
withoot a hole.

Some people do, sir.
I mean, let's take, for example...

that frying pan.

Now, let's say this is a dug flap.

And we've installed it in your door.

Do your dug, Duggie.

That frying pan could be your brain

if you're planning on running heid first
into doors wi' nae flat cap.

I'm no' planning on
running into any doors.

- So who's yer dug flap fer?
- The dug.

I'm no' interested in any flat caps,
or even cat flaps. I just want...

Who said anything about cat flaps?

- Cat flaps?
- Cat flaps?

- Cat flaps?
- Cat flaps?

Cat flaps?

We're Dougie and Duggie Flapps
Dug Flaps and Flat Caps.

No' Dougie and Duggie Flapps Dug Flats and
Cat Flaps, although I have got their card.

Just gie 'em a wee ring,

and they'll sort yer labrador out
with a nice penthouse apartment.

Sit down, Jeremy.

We've had a few complaints
from your colleagues

about your behaviour
in the office, Jeremy.

Really?

What did they say?

They said you've been acting
inappropriately towards the female staff.

They said that about me-e-e-e?

Yes.

They said you've been making
sexually suggestive remarks.

They said that about me-e-e-e?

What are you doing there, exactly?

- What do you mean?
- That stupid voice.

Oh. Oh, that's ma thing.
Sorry, I didn't mean tae exasperate ye.

Yes, well, it's always awkward
dealing with things like this,

but I have to take it very seriously

when my staff say
that someone is out of line.

They said that about me-e-e-e?

Right. Would you care to explain
this carry-on?

But that's me.
That's ma character, that's what I do.

Every week, somebody tells me that
somebody said something about me,

and I just go...

They said that about me-e-e-e?

What do you mean, it's your character?

That's the defining aspect of me
as a person.

Every single week since as long ago
as I can remember,

somebody comes up to me and tells me
that somebody said something about me,

and I just go...

they said that about me-e-e-e?

What sort o' defining characteristic
is that, exactly?

Well, how can I help maself with a
surname like mine? Look at my file.

People like it.

I doubt it.

Well, you don't like it.

You get exasperated at me saying it.
But other people like it.

Other people like it when you get
exasperated at me saying it.

No, other people say you drive them
up the wall as well, Jeremy.

They said that about me-e-e-e?

Will you stop saying that?

I'm sorry, I promise, I'll never, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever say it again.

Good.

Now, back to the matter at hand.

Your colleagues have said...

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah...

Ah, what?

See? That's ma other thing.

Even when I'm not saying it,

it's the anticipation of me inevitably
saying it again that people like.

- That's why I'm so popular.
- You're far from popular, Jeremy.

- Your colleagues have said...
- See?

The anticipation, can you feel it?

No, I can't feel it.

I can feel it building up!
Here it comes, can you feel it?

No, no, no.

Here it comes, I can feel it,

this is it, this is it!

I won't stand
for any more of this, Jeremy.

You're in big trouble here. Your
colleagues have said I should fire you.

They said that about me-e-e...

e-e-e-e-e-e...

e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...

Are you between 18 and 24?

Are you a stunning looking lassie?

Then why not prank your pals
with the funniest prank ever?

Kid on you're going oot wi' me,
Davey McGroggan.

Your pals willnae believe it
when you come swanning in the door

with smelly old Davey McGroggan
on your arm.

Old pishy drawers hisself.

It's the funniest
prank ever done.

Fora low, low price
of only ten quid a night

I'll even make it realistic.

I'll winch ye and all that
Tongues and everything.

Hauns everywhere.

It's hilarious.

Look at her pals.

They cannae believe
she's going oot

with manky Davey McGroggan
frae Burnistoun Flats.

I wouldnae believe it masel
if you told me. It's magic.

Only a fiver, four quid,
even a quid'll dae.

Listen to these testimonials.

He was pure smelling. I mean,

I had an ear infection once
and it was pure disgustin',

and he smelt like that.

Oh, I'm gonnae boak.

I cannae believe she's going out
wi' that smelly old Davey McGroggan.

I nearly spewed.

He's got flies buzzin' round his baws.

Urgh! Urgh!

Why no' go for the
ultimate prank?

Nothin' brings families together
like a good laugh.

Prank your da by lettin' him
catch ye gettin' shagged

by smelly old Davey McGroggan,

whose hoose is full o' deid dugs.

Oh, no!

Davey McGroggan!

You and this jakey tramp under ma roof?
This smelly alky bastard?

Get oot, ya wee hoor!

Don't miss out
We're booked up until 2012.

Get on the waitin' list
A Davey McGroggan prank

It's the best idea
lever thought o'.

Hiya. My name's Kelly McGlade,

just aboot to have a meetin'
wi' my shitey band mates.

Tell them we're breaking up.

I'm going solo.

Listen, I brought youse here today
to gie you some bad news.

It's just gonnae be me frae noo on,
pleasin' masel.

Oh, that's a shame.

D'ye want a lend o' my rabbit?

I mean I'm goin' solo. Pleasing masel
music-wise. I'm breakin' up the band.

Nae tears, nae tears, nae tears,
nae tears. Youse have had a good run.

Youse can go back to yer job in the tottie
scone factory wi' yer heids held high.

Well, as high as ye can haud yer heids

wi' the amount o' make-up you got
plastered on them.

But ye need us.

We're eye candy.
They call me the Rihanna of Burnistoun.

Excuse me? The Rihanna of Burnistoun?

- Mair like the piana of Burnistoun.
- Piana?

Aye, cos at parties guys all staun
round ye while somebody has a shot.

Look, it's over. I'm no' gonnae be able
to make it carryin' youse two on ma back.

We'll stop drinkin'.

I don't mean literally carryin'
youse on ma back,

although that's a problem an' all.

I mean...

talent-wise.

I mean, look at me. I'm magnificent.

And nae offence to youse two,

but if I rolled a bottle o' WKD
past any street corner,

there'd be a dozen o' youse
chasin' after it.

You said you were gonnae get us oot
o' Burnistoun.

How can I take youse
oot o' Burnistoun?

I cannae take youse anywhere. Remember
that time we stayed in that hotel?

Youse didnae just steal the towels,
you stole the interior decorating.

I couldnae believe it. I was like, are
these two lassies gonnae win me a Grammy?

These two lassies steamin' a border
aff the wall wi' an iron?

It was a nice border.

There was that time at that restaurant
wi' the talent scout.

And Emma goes into her fake Radley
for some lipstick,

and pulls oot... Oh, my God!

A used condom,

while the talent scout's
eatin' his semolina.

And doesnae apologise
fer bein' so disgusting.

Naw, decides to turn it
into a mid-dinner anecdote

like a sexually promiscuous
Peter Ustinov.

- I don't even know who that is.
- Exactly!

Youse don't know anything!
That's how I need to get rid o' youse.

Youse are too stupit to survive
in this business.

Youse probably think a castin' couch is
where yer Granny sits to dae her knittin'.

Away and show yersels oot,
ya pair o' wee tramps.

Breaks yer heart, dun't it?

Well, this is ma new manager's hoose.

I'm away in tae meet him for the first
time, so we can plan oot ma solo career.

He doesnae want any cameras in
for some reason,

so I suppose this is cheerie-bye,
thanks for followin' ma story.

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