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1
00:00:00,353 --> 00:00:05,653
2
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,851
So what's the system here?
3
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,327
I dunno. I think you just go up
and get your grub.
4
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,811
What, you just walk up?!
5
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,120
I think so.
6
00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:30,531
But I've nae plate.
7
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,444
I think there's maybe plates up there.
8
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:37,644
Right, you go up first, then.
9
00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,530
No, you go up first. You're the one
that wanted to come in here.
10
00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,171
- I don't know the set-up.
- Well, neither do I.
11
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,167
Right, I'll go.
12
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,846
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
We'll go together.
13
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,649
Naw, we cannae go up together.
14
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,200
If we go up together
and there's nae plates,
15
00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:56,851
then we need to come back together,
empty-handed, like clowns.
16
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,922
If there's nae plates,
you'll look like a clown anyway.
17
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,324
Naw, if I go up myself, I'll just look
like I'm checking the food oot.
18
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,721
And if there's plates there,
I'll gie you a wee wink.
19
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,406
You're no' winking at me!
We'll look like a couple of boyfriends.
20
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:09,686
Who are you shouting at?
21
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,729
We should have just went
to a normal place.
22
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:16,043
I'm starving. It's all you can eat.
It's a bargain.
23
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,407
You guys been to a buffet before?
24
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,687
- Do you know what yous are doin'?
- Aye, mate, aye.
25
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,205
Aye, nae bother, big chap.
26
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,170
Veterans, mate, you know, veterans.
27
00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:27,322
OK. Well, enjoy your meal.
28
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,491
- What did you no' say to him for?
- What did you no' say to him for?
29
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:35,291
When I dae get a plate,
I'm going to put it ower your heid
30
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,681
for making us come in here,
you fat, greedy shite!
31
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,286
Just go up, help yoursel',
that's what it says.
32
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,727
That's what I was gonnae dae, idiot.
33
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,290
Here, mate, sit down.
34
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,810
If you're going up and I'm staying here,
35
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,769
you'll need to get me
a plate o' grub an' all.
36
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:50,767
Naw.
37
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:54,287
If I bring back a plate for you,
I'll look like your wife, never mind your boyfriend.
38
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:56,681
Aye, well, as long as you're sorted.
39
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,046
Selfish bastard.
40
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,327
- What'd you call me?!
- You heard.
41
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,323
I'll stick that fork in your neck,
you c...
42
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,127
He disnae. He's too scared to go up.
43
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,646
Aw, there's nothing to it.
44
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:14,687
I'm no' scared.
45
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,687
He's scared.
46
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,411
Gie's yer plate.
47
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,131
Honestly, it's like taking my son out
or something.
48
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,008
Do I just take what I want?
This is a nightmare, man.
49
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,041
Oh, are you...?
50
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,885
Naw, naw, naw, on you go.
I'm just passing through.
51
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:42,687
All right?
52
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:50,881
All right, folks? Know what you're doing
at the buffet and that, aye?
53
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,531
Aye. Nae bother.
54
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:54,726
Good, good.
55
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:04,005
My name's James Jumpstyle
of Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs,
56
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,765
Burnistoun's only
Jumpstyle furniture store.
57
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:10,003
You'd better get down here
for our spring sale quickstyle...
58
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,447
or should that be...Jumpstyle?
59
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,525
My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out
with all your furniture needs...
60
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,284
Jumpstyle!
61
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:39,160
What kind of bedside cabinet
was it were you after, madam?
62
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,409
Jumpstyle Beds And Chairs!
63
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:50,126
Come on down and shop in style...
64
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:51,611
shop in Jumpstyle!
65
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,568
I heard old Biscuity Boyle
was down there, an' all.
66
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,483
Aye, aye.
67
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:04,609
He got stuck in the revolving door,
and his troosers fell doon.
68
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:05,647
Poor old bugger.
69
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,281
Ah, you couple of bent shots, man!
70
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,247
- Tadgers.
- Hey, don't dingy us,
71
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,607
you pair o' rent boys, man!
72
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,762
Keep walking, Gordo.
73
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,446
Yous are getting knifed, man!
74
00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,444
Oh!
75
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:58,165
Try to imagine throwing a two-litre
bottle of ginger over 150 metres
76
00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,642
and landing it dead centre on a target,
77
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,849
that target being a rocket's napper.
78
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:08,288
That's exactly what my next guest did,
Gordon Belford.
79
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,203
- Gordon, hello.
- Hello, Sarah.
80
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,443
So, what's the script
with this ginger-throwing thing, then?
81
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,763
Well, me and my mate, Jamie,
were just out getting some swadgers,
82
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:20,242
and on the way back, these wee guys
started giein' us a bit o' snash.
83
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,731
What kind of snash?
84
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,247
Er, just kinda calling us bent shots
and rent boys, an' that.
85
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:29,041
And then one of the wee skelpers
said that he was pulling a knife.
86
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,487
So, I just flung ma bottle o' ginger.
87
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,528
And as fortune had it,
88
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,444
- I doofed it right aff his dome.
- Amazing.
89
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:40,206
And is it true you're going to be
in The Guinness Book Of Records?
90
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:44,285
Well, apparently, I'd have to recreate
the throw under Guinness conditions.
91
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,087
Gordon, you have your two-litre
bottle of ginger?
92
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,167
The wee fud is in position.
93
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,165
Yous are all gettin' knifed, man!
94
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,847
Gordon, good luck.
95
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:05,487
Aaaaaah!
96
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,726
Yes!
97
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,041
Whoo! Wow!
98
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,968
I heard old Biscuity Boyle
was doon there an' all.
99
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,442
Aye, he got stuck in the revolving
doors, and his troosers fell doon.
100
00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:28,760
Poor old bugger.
101
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,526
Hey! You couple of bent shots, man.
102
00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:34,806
Wee tadgers.
103
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,486
Hey! Don't dingy us, you rent boys.
104
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,801
- Keep walking, Gordo.
- No, baby.
105
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,727
Us decent folk don't need to stand
for no more of this bullshit, baby.
106
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,246
Yous are getting knifed, man.
107
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,410
Waaah!
108
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:03,882
No-one can withstand
my two-litre bottle o' ginger, bitch!
109
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,725
You want some, baby?
110
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,964
You get 'em, Gordo!
111
00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:17,562
Come on...!
112
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,450
What you daein', Gordo?
You'll never hit them from here.
113
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:28,368
Ah, you nugget! You cannae even throw
a bottle o' ginger, man!
114
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,010
Yaaaaaaa!
115
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,246
Go on.
116
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,726
Just through here.
117
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,571
That's it, son. Just you keep quiet
till you see what's what
118
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,405
It's a simple job.
I just want some shelves up on this wall.
119
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,450
Three sturdy ones.
I'll buy them, you put them up.
120
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:57,445
Right son, I want you to suck
the air in through your teeth,
121
00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:01,047
as if you've just been kicked
square in the hawmaws.
122
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,890
What?
123
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,965
Now, shake your heid a wee bit,
tell her the job's no' as easy
124
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,044
as she might think
and call her "hen".
125
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:14,727
The job's no' as simple
as you might think...hen.
126
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,451
Never let them think
it's an easy job.
127
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:22,321
Act as if she's just asked you to
pull Atlantis aff the ocean flair,
128
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,129
wi' your bare hauns.
129
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,970
Now, run yer hauns
across the wall.
130
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,567
Look like you're being forced to
caress the world's spottiest arse.
131
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:35,929
These walls are...eh...em...
132
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:37,570
Duran Duran, son.
133
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,971
Notorious.
134
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,123
Be aw bright-eyed and enthusiastic
with this good news, son,
135
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,487
like you're a Jack Russellpresenting Crimewatch.
136
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,210
Notorious?
137
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,691
Hit her wi' it.
138
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:51,685
Aye, the plastering in these hooses
is notoriously bad.
139
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:52,727
Bull's-eye!
140
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,928
Really? Didn't know that.
141
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,843
Aye. The guys that done it...
142
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,445
Aye?
143
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,808
That's it, son. That's it.
Drop the C-word on her, give her the big C!
144
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:06,090
- Cowboys.
- Yes! Yes, son! World class!
145
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,811
Noo ask her the question.
Seal the deal.
146
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:11,724
So, any chance o' a wee cup of tea?
147
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:15,646
Yes, yes! Brilliant son!
148
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,849
You are officially a tradesman.
149
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,729
Well done, son. Well done.
150
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,211
All right? I think I need stitches.
151
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:31,361
What happened to you?
152
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,407
Fell doon the stair.
153
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:33,527
- What stair?
- The stair in ma hoose.
154
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:34,931
- Where's your hoose?
- Blackmount Street.
155
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,650
- How d'you fall?
- I tripped.
156
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,562
- How did you trip?
- Ma shoes are too big.
157
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,483
- How's your shoes too big?
- They're no' ma shoes.
158
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:40,641
- Whose are they?
- Ma da's.
159
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:42,051
- Why's he no' wearing them?
- He's deid.
160
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,485
- How'd he die?
- He fell doon the stair.
161
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:45,210
- How'd he fall?
- His shoes were too wee.
162
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,691
- How's his shoes too wee?
- He stole 'em.
163
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,250
- Who aff?
- Me.
164
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:49,321
Right, take a seat.
165
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,207
Come here a minute.
166
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,447
- What's your name?
- What d'you need my name for?
167
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,010
So I can fill out this form.
168
00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,128
- What's the form for?
- To gie to the doctor.
169
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:05,406
- What's he want it for?
- So he doesn't need to ask yer name.
170
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,403
- Why doesn't he want to ask me?
- Cos he cannae be bothered.
171
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,721
- Why can he no' be bothered?
- Cos he disnae care.
172
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,848
Ma name's Ronnie, Ronnie Stokes.
173
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,524
Right, thanks. Sit doon.
174
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:20,647
C'mere.
175
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,203
- Ronnie Stokes?
- Aye, Ronnie Stokes.
176
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,805
Ma name's Stokes an' all, Barry Stokes.
177
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,484
- Mine's Ronnie Stokes.
- Barry Stokes.
178
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,289
Ronnie Stokes.
179
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,727
- D'you know Carol Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Davie Stokes?
180
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,928
- Naw. D'you know Stevie Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Barry Stokes?
181
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,765
- Ah'm Barry Stokes.
- No' you. Another Barry Stokes.
182
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,764
- Naw. D'you know Big Sarah Stokes?
- Naw. D'you know Big Sandy Stokes?
183
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,763
- Naw. D'you know Ronnie Stokes?
- I'm Ronnie Stokes.
184
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,080
No' you. Another Ronnie Stokes.
185
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,731
- Ma dad's name was Ronnie Stokes an' all.
- O' Bishopton?
186
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,644
- Aye. That was ma da.
- Aye, that's ma dad's cousin.
187
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,688
Aye, ma da, Ronnie Stokes.
188
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,489
Amazin'. How is your da?
189
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,885
I just told you. He's deid.
190
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,849
Oh, that's right. How d'you say he died?
191
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,888
- He fell doon the stair.
- Oh, that's right.
192
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,486
- How d'you say he fell again?
- His shoes were too wee.
193
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,527
Oh, that's right.
194
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,045
- How's your da?
- Aw, ma da's deid now an' all.
195
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,884
- How'd he die?
- Died in a car crash.
196
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,849
- How'd it happen?
- Lost control o' the motor.
197
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,161
- How'd he lose control?
- Feet slipped aff the pedals.
198
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,730
- How'd that happen?
- Shoes were too big.
199
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,041
- How come his shoes were too big?
- They werenae his shoes.
200
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,282
- Whose shoes were they?
- He got a len' of them aff your da.
201
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,930
- Where were his ain shoes?
- Somebody stole them.
202
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,731
- Who stole them?
- I did. Look.
203
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,810
Got them on the noo.
204
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,648
- They look awfy wee.
- Nah. They're fine.
205
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,690
I'll just take your form round
to the doctor. Take a seat.
206
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,651
And so I've set up office in here
and I'm going to run
207
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:58,169
as an independent candidate
for the Burnistoun West seat.
208
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,881
People say single-issue candidates
are never a good thing for politics.
209
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,645
Well, the needless installation
of traffic lights
210
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,961
at the Dekebone roundabout
is a single issue
211
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,088
around which this whole community
has rallied.
212
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,164
If our MP had dealt with this
single issue in the first place,
213
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,687
- there'd be no need for me to do this.
- But let's say you win.
214
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,082
You'll need to think about a whole
lot more than the Dekebone roundabout.
215
00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,369
Well, I'll worry about that when I win.
216
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,811
I cannae believe we've won.
217
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:30,767
I was just hoping to make a point,
really, but to have actually won
218
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,127
just shows you the strength of feeling
people have
219
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:37,091
towards these utterly needless traffic
lights at the Dekebone roundabout,
220
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,767
which it is now my job to have removed.
221
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,481
I think the police are happy for them
to hang around on the spare ground,
222
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:48,403
but my house backs onto it,
223
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,805
and this gang are regularly smashing
my windows and intimidating me.
224
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,010
Right. And where is your house
in relation to the Dekebone roundabout?
225
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:02,005
I'm nowhere near the Dekebone roundabout.
I just told you where I lived.
226
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:05,971
Well, is there some way you could get
these boys onto the Dekebone roundabout?
227
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,122
What are you talking about?
228
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:12,967
Like, put some alcopops down for them,
as bait.
229
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,486
Lure them onto it,
and then maybe I can help you.
230
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:19,042
Why should they need to be
on that roundabout for you to help me?
231
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,522
Well, I was elected
on the Dekebone roundabout issue.
232
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,409
That's where my focus is.
233
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,289
That's reality.
234
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,728
I mean, nobody was expecting
a hung parliament in the first place,
235
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,521
but for the whole thing to hinge on me
was just incredible.
236
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,682
What did the Prime Minister
say to you?
237
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,445
I did nae give him a chance
to say anything. I just said,
238
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:39,931
"Here, you, never mind saving
your ain backside,
239
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,287
"what about these traffic lights
at the Dekebone roundabout?"
240
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,691
What did he say?
241
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,844
He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.
242
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,966
Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking
on my roll and tottie scone here.
243
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,761
Yes, I know the Middle East situation
is very complex,
244
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,446
but I feel we can solve it
by taking the same approach
245
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:04,648
as I've taken to the
Dekebone roundabout.
246
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,882
Are you aware of that particular chaos?
247
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:12,046
I've come unfeasibly far in British
politics and I suppose it's inevitable
248
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,602
that the thing that got me where I am
is the thing that finishes me off.
249
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,444
Is this breaking news?
250
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,329
On the day I finally got the traffic
lights at the Dekebone roundabout removed,
251
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:27,042
Billy Carr's daughter was driving
round it in her brand-new Punto.
252
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,126
She stopped halfway round,
expecting a red light.
253
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:35,250
- Force of habit.
- Er, anyway, she took a bit of a bump,
254
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:39,609
and it caused �200 worth of damage.
255
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,929
So I feel I've no
option but to resign...
256
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,048
as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
257
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:57,890
I cannae even fuckin' drive.
258
00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:07,967
I cannae even drive.
259
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,529
All right, Scott, mate, come on in.
260
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,489
No, I've nae time, man.
Listen, remember last week,
261
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,403
when you could nae make it oot
for ma birthday?
262
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,801
Aye, aye, sorry I could
nae make it, man.
263
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,963
Naw, naw, it's all right.
Mind you phoned me when I was in the pub
264
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,691
and you said, "Happy birthday
and have a round on me"?
265
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,366
Er, aye, aye.
266
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,967
Aye, well, em, the round came to...
267
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,485
�23.75.
268
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:40,244
Right. Er, you sure I did nae say,
"Have a drink on me"?
269
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,129
- Naw.
- "Have one on me"?
270
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,929
Naw. "Have a round on me," you said.
271
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,606
I remember, cos we werenae doing rounds,
just buying our ain,
272
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:51,561
and then you phoned, and we switched
onto rounds for that one round.
273
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,849
23.75.
274
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,484
Right, that's 30. You got change?
275
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,562
Naw.
276
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,883
Right. Listen, I'm not bothered about
gieing you the money, Scott.
277
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,931
But, erm, sometimes somebody would
say something as a figure o' speech,
278
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,163
and you just wouldnae call them on it.
I mean, you just wouldnae dae it.
279
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,402
Nae idea what you're talkin' about, Peter.
I'll catch you later, bud, all right?
280
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,165
Aye, later, bud.
281
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,286
Make yerself comfy.
282
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,330
Sort us a wee drink, Jade, and I'll
mebbe be on ma worst behaviour later.
283
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,845
Mm.
284
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:39,882
- Have you got a cat?
- Aye, I've got a cat.
285
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,485
You no' a cat person?
286
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:43,847
It's no' that.
287
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,526
Listen, I'd better go. I'm sorry.
288
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,204
Wait. What is it?
289
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,806
If you're allergic,
I'll put it in the other room.
290
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,484
No, it's...
291
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:56,403
Look, Jade, this might sound mental.
292
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,929
But when I was 14,
I choked on a bit of pakora.
293
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:02,967
Right.
294
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,763
And when I woke up frae the coma...
295
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,161
I found I could...
296
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,844
read cats' memories.
297
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,083
So what? All they do is sleep and eat.
298
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,209
Naw. Look, if we're...
299
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,046
gettin' intae things and suddenly
I get a vision o' a wee bird
300
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,761
getting slaughtered or a mouse
getting tortured, it'll kill the mood.
301
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,922
- Believe me.
- It's a hoose cat.
302
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,083
It's never been oot.
Don't worry, I'll get you a drink.
303
00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,010
God, my arse is so hairy the night!
304
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,170
Cheerio.
305
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:17,365
OK, with me in the studio today
is Sammy Strange.
306
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,284
And if I could just
pick you up on a point, Sammy,
307
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:25,605
you said to our last caller
that you had travelled through time.
308
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,011
Into the future.
309
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,651
Yeah. I mean, it's strange to believe,
310
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,361
but I've actually heard this interview
go out on air.
311
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,329
This interview?
312
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,051
This very interview.
313
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,930
OK. So, can you prove that?
314
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,570
Well, what do you want to know?
315
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,371
Well, what happens next?
316
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,124
I answer your question.
317
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,884
And there we go.
318
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,611
No, no, right, right, OK, OK.
319
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,604
What happens after I say this?
320
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,127
What happens is I tell you what happens.
321
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,884
And then it happens.
322
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,803
And it just did.
323
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:06,966
No, no, what you're saying
isn't happening in the future, it's happening now.
324
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,125
So what happens in the future
after this?
325
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:12,565
I answer your question.
326
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,971
When?
327
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,371
Right now.
328
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:17,885
Just then. And there we go.
329
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,408
OK, OK, OK, don't say another word, OK?
330
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,290
If you've been to the future
331
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:29,048
and you've already heard this interview,
what do I say next?
332
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,451
Sausage rolls.
333
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,887
- Sausage rolls?
- And there we go.
334
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,249
No, no, you led me into that.
OK, let's take a call.
335
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,448
You tell me the name of the next caller.
336
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:43,445
Umm...
337
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:45,720
Amanda from Burnistoun.
338
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,088
- Without looking at the monitor.
- I didn't look at the monitor.
339
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:55,008
Sammy, I think it's amazing that you
knew my name. That's really strange!
340
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,445
Thank you, Amanda.
341
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,171
He just looked at the monitor,
Amanda, that's all.
342
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,129
He's gonnae say I did
look at the monitor.
343
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,202
- You did look at the monitor.
- And there we go.
344
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,203
You're amazing.
345
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,851
- He's gonnae wrap it up now.
- No.
346
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,082
I'm not, actually. So you're wrong.
347
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,242
- Proved you're a fake.
- Here it comes.
348
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,810
No, it's gonnae happen.
349
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,609
Not wrapping it up, keep going.
350
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,841
Any minute now.
351
00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,241
Oh, this'll be amazing
if this happens!
352
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,369
Yeah, well, of course
it has to happen eventually.
353
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:25,922
Of course it has to happen,
because I said it would.
354
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,764
Yeah, well, it hasn't yet, has it?
355
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,521
I'm just getting word from my producer.
356
00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:38,041
We have to wrap it up.
357
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,248
And there we go.
358
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,288
Oh, my God!
359
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:51,886
Are you wan o' thae people that are
frightened of wakenin' up inside a coffin
360
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,803
after you've been buried?
361
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,405
Don't worry.
362
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,280
For only a hunner pound a dig,
Burnistoun Fear Services
363
00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:05,163
will dig you up every single day,
until you physically start to rot.
364
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:07,971
Here, mate.
365
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,409
You still deid? Mate? Mate?
366
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,768
Here, you still deid, mate?
367
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,366
Burnistoun Fear Services...
368
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,728
Argh! Argh!
369
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,165
Just in case.
370
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,486
We're tryin' to run
an ice-cream van here, Walter.
371
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,449
Shut up.
372
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:44,084
I'm fillin' my paddling pool now,
anyway, cos we're at the beach now, anyway.
373
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:46,083
- There's nae room.
- Yes, there is.
374
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,084
I only need enough room
for my handies and my feeties
375
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,811
and a wee bit of my bare bottom, anyway.
376
00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,803
You are not swimmin'
in this ice-cream van!
377
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,929
I wouldnae even have to make
a rubbish paddling pool beach
378
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,321
if you'd let us go on holiday
to Blackpool,
379
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,643
like I wanted to go to Blackpool
on holiday, anyway!
380
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,291
There's nae time. Somebody
has got to pay the bills round here.
381
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,966
I don't see why I should pay any bills.
382
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:09,804
I'm only 17 years old, anyway.
383
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,245
You're the same age as me, Walter.
384
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,561
I was talking about doggy years,
you idiot!
385
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,166
But you are not a doggy.
386
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,289
I bet you wish I was a doggy,
then you could tie me up
387
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:23,445
in your bedroom and kiss me, like
you kiss all the other doggies, anyway.
388
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,921
You're a disgusting,
disgusting boy, Walter.
389
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,240
I run a groomin' service.
390
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,642
Yes. You're the groom
and the doggy's the bride!
391
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,124
- What can I get for you?
- Can I have a packet of salt and vinegar?
392
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,046
A packet of salty and vinegary crispies.
Certainly.
393
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,881
Walter!
394
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,123
Don't know what you're shoutin' at
me for, I never even done anythin'.
395
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,567
You just drenched me.
396
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,849
It was a wave, you stupid idiot!
It was a wave from the beach!
397
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,002
I'll wave at you in a minute.
398
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:03,324
Wave you away on the bus.
Back to the home we got sent tae when Mammy died.
399
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:08,208
Oh, oh, oh, look at ma lip.
400
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,682
You've made ma lip sad now,
anyway, talking aboot that place.
401
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,125
This is your last chance.
402
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,682
You give that wee boy a packet of salty
and vinegary crispies, right now.
403
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:21,209
I can't see!
Ma lip's shaking too much, anyway.
404
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:25,087
I just want to go and play my accordion.
405
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,730
Oh, go and play it, then.
406
00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:36,531
40 pence, please.
407
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,125
Thank you, very...
408
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:51,962
Excuse me. I'm just gonnae go
and have to have a word with my brother.
409
00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,767
Help! Help! There's a shark!
410
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,604
Get me out the water, anyway!
411
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:07,169
Argh! Argh! Argh!
412
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:13,761
That's it.
413
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,409
Haw!
414
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,366
Haw! Haw!
415
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,328
Haw! Haw!
416
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,165
Haw!
417
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:45,005
Haw! Haw!
418
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,765
Son, what did I tell you?
Turn that shite aff!
419
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,250
In the name o' me.
420
00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:16,800
Where's the buttons?
421
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:21,249
No, they've installed voice
recognition technology in this lift. I heard aboot it.
422
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,607
Voice recognition technology?
423
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,125
In a lift?
424
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:26,611
In Scotland?
425
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,887
You ever tried
voice recognition technology?
426
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,646
- Naw.
- It don't do Scottish accents.
427
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:35,685
11!
428
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,762
Could you please repeat that?
429
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,885
11.
430
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,371
11.
431
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,202
- 11.
- 11.
432
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:48,760
Could you please repeat that?
433
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,206
El-ev-en.
434
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,044
Whose idea was this?
435
00:25:54,120 --> 00:25:56,521
You need to try an American accent.
436
00:25:56,600 --> 00:26:00,525
11 ... 11.
437
00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,365
- That sounds Irish, no' American.
- No, it disnae!
438
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,330
- 11.
- Where in America is that, Dublin?
439
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,131
I'm sorry, could you
please repeat that?
440
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,288
Try an English accent.
441
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,208
11 ... 11.
442
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,408
You frae the same part of England
as Dick Van Dyke?
443
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,006
Let's hear yours, then, smart arse.
444
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:25,367
Please speak slowly and clearly.
445
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,487
Smart arse.
446
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,250
11.
447
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,961
I'm sorry, could you
please repeat that?
448
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:37,887
11 . If you don't understand the lingo,
away back hame to your ain country.
449
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,726
Ooh. It's that talk now, is it?
"Away back to your ain country"?
450
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,566
Aw, don't start, Mr Bleedin' Heart.
How can you be racist tae a lift?
451
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,371
Please speaks lowly and clearly
452
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,324
11... 11.
453
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,562
11.
454
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,291
- 11.
- You're just saying it the same way.
455
00:26:57,360 --> 00:27:00,682
I'm gonnae keep saying it until it
understands Scottish, all right?
456
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,207
11.
457
00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:08,002
11... 11... 11!
458
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:11,243
Aw, just take us anywhere, ya cow!
Just open the doors!
459
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,210
This is a voice-activated
elevator.
460
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,171
Please state which floor you would like
togo to in a clear and calm manner.
461
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,565
Calm? Calm?
462
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,889
Where's that coming frae?
Why is it telling people tae be calm?
463
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,566
Because they knew they'd be selling it
to Scottish people
464
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:29,324
who'd be going aff their nuts at it!
465
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:31,084
You have not selected a floor.
466
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,925
Aye, we have! 11!
467
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,244
If you would like to get out of the
elevator without selecting a floor,
468
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,403
simply say, "Open the doors,
please."
469
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,726
"Please"? Please?
470
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:46,965
Suck ma wullie.
471
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,724
Mebbe we should just say please.
472
00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:51,808
I'm no' begging that for nothin'.
473
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,927
Open the doors, please.
474
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,765
"Please"? Pathetic.
475
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,285
Please remain calm.
476
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:10,607
Lift me up to that thing.
Just wait for it to speak.
477
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,923
- You have not selected a floor.
- Up yours, you cow!
478
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,765
If you don't let us oot these doors,
I'm gonnae come to America,
479
00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:22,684
I'm gonnae find whatever desperate
actress gave you a voice
480
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,569
and I'm gonnae go to the electric chair
for you!
481
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:26,847
Scotland, you bastard!
482
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,968
- Scotland!
- Scotland!
483
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,247
Sco-o-o-otland!
484
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,688
- Freedom!
- Freedom!
485
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,922
Goin' up?
486
00:28:44,947 --> 00:28:50,247
487
00:28:50,297 --> 00:28:54,847
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