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1
00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:12,969
Come on!
Xena rocks!
2
00:00:12,969 --> 00:00:14,719
Aphrodite blows!
3
00:00:36,502 --> 00:00:38,791
Delinquent losers!
4
00:00:39,308 --> 00:00:42,754
I've got half a mind to hit you with
-- A love bolt?
5
00:00:45,850 --> 00:00:49,132
Hardly seems a threat.
My, my,
6
00:00:49,365 --> 00:00:51,319
they certainly
made a mess here.
7
00:00:52,049 --> 00:00:54,380
"Back off, Ar, I'm bummed out enough."
8
00:00:55,566 --> 00:00:58,165
You know what your
problem is? Duh.
9
00:00:58,165 --> 00:00:59,366
Your little Xena.
10
00:01:02,164 --> 00:01:03,881
"Gabrielle, her friend.
11
00:01:04,317 --> 00:01:07,725
See, I only made the
warrior. She made the legend.
12
00:01:08,695 --> 00:01:11,129
Have you read any of her
so-called stories? Huh.
13
00:01:12,054 --> 00:01:14,402
"A warrior who loves
the common person."
14
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:16,566
You'd think
she was a goddess.
15
00:01:17,496 --> 00:01:20,147
Pretty soon,
when people think of "love,"
16
00:01:20,491 --> 00:01:23,007
they're gonna think Xena,
not Aphrodite.
17
00:01:23,278 --> 00:01:25,620
Xena?
Don't blame her.
18
00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,969
It's Gabrielle
and her busy quill.
19
00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:30,008
That's your problem.
20
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,783
I love starting
a new scroll.
21
00:01:40,783 --> 00:01:43,166
The feel of it
in your hands, the look.
22
00:01:43,166 --> 00:01:47,788
So clean.
So perfectly empty.
23
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:52,586
Listen. The way it crinkles
the first time you open it.
24
00:01:53,545 --> 00:01:57,384
And that smell.
25
00:01:57,384 --> 00:02:01,222
It's just a special,
untouched scent.
26
00:02:01,701 --> 00:02:05,060
Try it. It smells like
musty old leather to me.
27
00:02:05,060 --> 00:02:07,763
Well, to the non-creative
person perhaps.
28
00:02:07,763 --> 00:02:10,802
Let's see. Your last
adventure began with--
29
00:02:11,282 --> 00:02:14,161
Don't you ever get tired
of just writing down what I do?
30
00:02:14,161 --> 00:02:17,519
Why don't you create new
characters, new images?
31
00:02:17,519 --> 00:02:20,414
You mean fiction?
32
00:02:21,773 --> 00:02:23,517
Well, I thought
about trying that...
33
00:02:23,517 --> 00:02:25,611
someday.
34
00:02:25,611 --> 00:02:28,986
- Do you really think I could?
- Give it a shot... quietly.
35
00:02:30,425 --> 00:02:34,887
- Good night.
- Xena--
36
00:02:34,887 --> 00:02:37,766
And make someone else
the hero for a change.
37
00:02:45,202 --> 00:02:47,777
"Xena had gone fishing.
38
00:02:48,737 --> 00:02:53,055
"The lone warrior,
Gabrielle,
39
00:02:53,535 --> 00:02:56,894
"awoke with a jerk...
40
00:02:56,894 --> 00:03:00,252
"as five barbarians
rode out of the woods.
41
00:03:01,692 --> 00:03:04,570
"Twirling her trusty staff,
42
00:03:05,050 --> 00:03:09,368
she delivered her kicks
with such fury."
43
00:03:11,287 --> 00:03:14,645
This fiction stuff
can be really fun.
44
00:03:24,049 --> 00:03:26,928
Oh, yeah.
A lot of fun.
45
00:03:33,997 --> 00:03:35,388
Xena!
46
00:03:35,388 --> 00:03:38,267
We've got company!
47
00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:46,663
Xena!
Wake up! Wake up!
48
00:04:03,184 --> 00:04:04,434
Xena!
49
00:04:05,903 --> 00:04:09,677
- Okay, you asked for it!
50
00:04:10,141 --> 00:04:13,723
Round and up and down she goes.
Where she stops, nobody knows!
51
00:04:57,928 --> 00:04:59,463
Huh?
52
00:05:05,332 --> 00:05:06,582
- Ow.
53
00:05:17,679 --> 00:05:20,558
And don't come back!
Did you see that?
54
00:05:20,558 --> 00:05:22,477
Back flips!
55
00:05:22,477 --> 00:05:24,396
I don't do back flips.
56
00:05:24,396 --> 00:05:27,275
You have armor on under
there? Where's Xena?
57
00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:30,634
Who were those--
What are you--
58
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,553
Wait a minute.
59
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:40,997
"Xena had gone--
The lone warrior, Gabrielle--
60
00:05:40,997 --> 00:05:43,875
"As five barbarians--
61
00:05:43,875 --> 00:05:48,194
"She started twirling her trusty
staff, delivering kicks of such fury.
62
00:05:48,194 --> 00:05:51,552
Deflected the thrust of a
sword with her mighty abs."
63
00:05:51,552 --> 00:05:53,471
I wrote this.
64
00:05:55,390 --> 00:05:57,790
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
65
00:05:57,790 --> 00:05:59,709
Are you saying anything you
write in there comes true?
66
00:05:59,709 --> 00:06:02,107
Excuse me
while I laugh.
67
00:06:04,507 --> 00:06:06,905
Yeow! Catch.
Ow. Ow.
68
00:06:06,905 --> 00:06:09,448
Something's
wrong with this stick.
69
00:06:09,896 --> 00:06:12,295
Ooh. Eee.
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
70
00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:19,908
- Why'd I do that?
- Because I wrote you did.
71
00:06:20,387 --> 00:06:22,786
I can write anything, and--
72
00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:24,706
and it comes true.
73
00:06:35,769 --> 00:06:38,205
In a time of ancient gods,
74
00:06:40,186 --> 00:06:42,907
warlords and kings,
75
00:06:43,455 --> 00:06:46,815
a land in turmoil
cried out for a hero.
76
00:06:56,029 --> 00:06:57,753
She was Xena,
77
00:06:58,515 --> 00:07:02,191
a mighty princess
forged in the heat of battle.
78
00:07:06,781 --> 00:07:07,922
The power.
79
00:07:09,835 --> 00:07:11,343
The passion.
80
00:07:14,316 --> 00:07:16,096
The danger.
81
00:07:21,048 --> 00:07:24,126
Her courage
will change the world.
82
00:07:28,102 --> 00:07:32,051
In my hands, this scroll
could be a gift to mankind.
83
00:07:32,051 --> 00:07:34,930
Xena will be very proud when
she comes back from fishing.
84
00:07:34,930 --> 00:07:37,809
Fishing?
I wrote her fishing.
85
00:07:38,289 --> 00:07:39,728
What did you write
to bring me here?
86
00:07:40,208 --> 00:07:42,127
Like, uh, you know,
Gabrielle...
87
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:44,526
appeared with a guy
with the heart of a lion,
88
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,925
soul of a warrior,
that kind of thing.
89
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:50,283
Let's see. Uh--
90
00:07:50,283 --> 00:07:53,642
"Xena has gone fi-"
Fishing.
91
00:07:53,642 --> 00:07:58,440
"Fishing.
Gabrielle awoke with a jerk.
92
00:08:00,359 --> 00:08:02,278
Gabrielle awoke
with a jerk."
93
00:08:02,278 --> 00:08:04,198
That's a funny phrase.
94
00:08:04,198 --> 00:08:07,076
I can't find anything.
95
00:08:07,076 --> 00:08:09,475
Must've come here
on my own.
96
00:08:09,475 --> 00:08:12,834
What do we do now?
What do we do?
97
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:14,753
What won't we do?
98
00:08:15,232 --> 00:08:17,151
Stories can be anything
we want them to be.
99
00:08:17,151 --> 00:08:20,990
Happy endings
can truly happen, Joxer.
100
00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:25,711
Excuse me. Aren't you
the Sisters of Gaea?
101
00:08:25,711 --> 00:08:26,903
Yes
102
00:08:28,697 --> 00:08:31,321
"Is there-something that we can do
to, um, help you?
103
00:08:31,773 --> 00:08:33,767
We're collecting
goods for our orphans,
104
00:08:34,487 --> 00:08:36,527
things we can sell
in our shop in town.
105
00:08:36,838 --> 00:08:40,120
If you have anything
-- Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
106
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:48,026
I'm sure it would, but I wouldn't
give this up just for anybody.
107
00:08:48,664 --> 00:08:50,485
Still, for the, uh,
Sisters of Gaea--
108
00:08:52,237 --> 00:08:53,718
"She means your scabbard.
109
00:08:53,924 --> 00:08:56,050
Oh. Right.
Uh, no, no. I couldn't.
110
00:08:56,305 --> 00:08:58,369
My father gave me this. It
was the only thing he gave me.
111
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,522
Had to get
the sword myself.
112
00:09:00,522 --> 00:09:03,868
-I wouldn't part with this for anything.
- Oh, too bad.
113
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:07,647
Ceremonial weapons and the like
are a hot commodity in Kargas.
114
00:09:07,891 --> 00:09:10,463
Oh. Well, you
know, Sister.
115
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:13,508
I think you're going
to get a surprise gift.
116
00:09:13,890 --> 00:09:15,952
Right about now.
117
00:09:16,839 --> 00:09:18,586
Here.
Oh!
118
00:09:22,259 --> 00:09:24,681
This will provide for
our orphans for years.
119
00:09:24,681 --> 00:09:27,213
Yes. It's a
miracle. Ha.
120
00:09:27,213 --> 00:09:28,936
You're welcome.
121
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,011
Give me back
my kinsman's sword.
122
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,431
I just gave it away.
Why did I do that?
123
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:43,994
Well, it doesn't really
matter now, does it?
124
00:10:05,207 --> 00:10:08,923
Did the little blonde girlie
scare the big hairy men?
125
00:10:08,923 --> 00:10:13,027
We are barbarians.
We fear nothing.
126
00:10:13,885 --> 00:10:16,635
Yeah! We fight with
the heart of a lion.
127
00:10:16,635 --> 00:10:19,813
And you run with
the feet of a chicken.
128
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:24,091
Now, get back on your horsies,
and go back after her.
129
00:10:24,715 --> 00:10:25,949
Yes, ma'am.
130
00:10:34,181 --> 00:10:36,359
Barbarians.
131
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:45,598
We don't need your money,
Joxer. I've got it covered.
132
00:10:45,598 --> 00:10:47,517
How much
will that be?
133
00:10:47,517 --> 00:10:50,396
Tha--
That will be... free.
134
00:10:50,396 --> 00:10:53,755
All the food is free!
And the drinks are on the house!
135
00:10:53,755 --> 00:10:57,113
You see there? All the food is
free, and the drinks are on the--
136
00:10:57,113 --> 00:10:59,512
Free mead!
A gift from the gods!
137
00:10:59,512 --> 00:11:01,911
I think I have to be a bit
more careful with the wording.
138
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:09,108
Good ale. Ahhh.
139
00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:13,152
No way, Ares. Not until I know for
sure that Xena has left the valley.
140
00:11:13,402 --> 00:11:16,817
I'm giving you my word. I've
taken care of it. She's gone.
141
00:11:18,224 --> 00:11:19,691
My men might believe that
142
00:11:19,961 --> 00:11:21,412
I can barely hold them back
143
00:11:21,758 --> 00:11:24,525
They want to loot that
valley now. Xena or no Xena.
144
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,505
But I'm not that stupid.
145
00:11:26,788 --> 00:11:29,539
And how stupid are you?
146
00:11:29,974 --> 00:11:32,475
Stupid enough to call
the God of War a liar?
147
00:11:32,475 --> 00:11:37,711
May- may- maybe-- but I'm definitely
not stupid enough to go up against Xena."
148
00:11:46,311 --> 00:11:47,310
Keep your men here.
149
00:11:49,152 --> 00:11:52,186
I'll give you a signal.
You'll know Xena's gone then .
150
00:11:54,026 --> 00:11:55,215
But wh-what's
the signal?
151
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,277
You'll know when you see it.
152
00:12:04,674 --> 00:12:05,440
Fill her up!
153
00:12:07,739 --> 00:12:09,939
Well, time's a-wastin'.
154
00:12:10,595 --> 00:12:12,241
We've got a lot of good to
do today, Joxer.
155
00:12:13,025 --> 00:12:14,147
- Lot of good!
-I love you, man."
156
00:12:14,147 --> 00:12:15,690
Ah, you're drunk.
157
00:12:15,690 --> 00:12:16,907
Who you callin' drunk?
158
00:12:17,380 --> 00:12:22,410
-Come on, Vilius. You've had enough.
- Who are you to tell me I've had enough?
159
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:26,315
You know, there's always one
drunk who spoils it for everyone.
160
00:12:27,148 --> 00:12:29,148
One drunk?
Hey, that's my mead!
161
00:12:35,127 --> 00:12:38,065
-Couldn't get any worse.
- Well, this wasn't supposed to happen.
162
00:12:40,845 --> 00:12:43,301
-Where are they?!
-It got worse
163
00:12:45,536 --> 00:12:46,800
You--
164
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,941
You think you can
make fools of us? Yeah.
165
00:12:52,846 --> 00:12:56,003
We are barbarians.
166
00:12:58,693 --> 00:13:02,958
We will-- go west
167
00:13:07,024 --> 00:13:11,822
Yes. We will go west.
Yeah-ah-ah.
168
00:13:21,353 --> 00:13:26,119
The barbarians are headed for
the Sisters of Gaea orphanage!
169
00:13:30,653 --> 00:13:33,486
Minor setback.
"They turned east."
170
00:13:34,217 --> 00:13:36,185
No! We go east!
171
00:13:39,369 --> 00:13:41,559
Now they're
heading for Akanacia!
172
00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:47,594
Um. "The barbarians
disappeared from the land."
173
00:13:52,395 --> 00:13:54,436
This way... to the boats!
174
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:59,437
We'll become pirates,
and kill all who sail the seas.
175
00:14:04,528 --> 00:14:08,549
Um. "The barbarians went to the
caves and fell into a deep sleep."
176
00:14:08,797 --> 00:14:10,999
Wait! To the caves.
177
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,436
I'm exhausted.
178
00:14:20,529 --> 00:14:22,437
So this is all the good
you wanted to do, huh?
179
00:14:24,093 --> 00:14:26,029
Forget it. I am not
writing another word.
180
00:14:26,249 --> 00:14:27,486
Yes!
181
00:14:29,562 --> 00:14:30,786
No.
I don't get it.
182
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,548
I mean, my writing has
always been really vivid.
183
00:14:34,522 --> 00:14:35,959
I just am
missing something.
184
00:14:36,968 --> 00:14:38,748
Well, maybe
it's too vivid.
185
00:14:39,686 --> 00:14:42,375
Maybe it needs a little work
-- editing or something, you know?
186
00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:44,373
I've got it!
I'm not editing my work.
187
00:14:44,873 --> 00:14:48,429
Joxer, that's it, that's all I have
to do. I just have to be more careful.
188
00:14:50,082 --> 00:14:52,898
Do you realize that now that
I know the power of the scroll,
189
00:14:52,898 --> 00:14:55,052
I can end hunger,
I can end disease.
190
00:14:55,052 --> 00:14:58,312
I can end--
I can end war.
191
00:15:03,081 --> 00:15:06,802
"The will of mortals
won out--" Edit.
192
00:15:07,748 --> 00:15:10,330
"and war
lost all its power."
193
00:15:12,566 --> 00:15:15,141
My powers! What's
happened to my powers?
194
00:15:15,431 --> 00:15:17,749
You! What've
you done to me?
195
00:15:17,749 --> 00:15:19,814
Um, it's-it's
not my fault. I--
196
00:15:20,718 --> 00:15:22,118
I-I can fix this.
Um--
197
00:15:24,473 --> 00:15:25,865
Um. The-The force...
198
00:15:25,865 --> 00:15:28,567
that enchanted the scroll
lost its powers.
199
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:36,002
Whoa! Wipeout.
200
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:43,486
Are you out of your mind?
You gave this blonde harpy...
201
00:15:43,486 --> 00:15:47,245
- powers of destiny?
- No. I enchanted a scroll.
202
00:15:47,245 --> 00:15:49,616
And don't act so surprised.
You wanted me to do it.
203
00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:51,336
No, no.
See, what I wanted...
204
00:15:51,336 --> 00:15:54,347
was for you to go after her so
we could get Xena out of the way.
205
00:15:54,347 --> 00:15:56,924
"Exsqueeze" me.
It worked, kinda.
206
00:15:56,924 --> 00:16:00,816
Wait a minute. You wanted Xena out
of the way so you enchanted my scroll?
207
00:16:02,034 --> 00:16:04,848
Ares was being
his usual manipulative self.
208
00:16:05,942 --> 00:16:08,901
He's got some army somewhere
ready to pounce on the valley.
209
00:16:08,901 --> 00:16:11,630
He wanted Xena out of the way,
so he wanted to get me mad at you.
210
00:16:12,024 --> 00:16:14,128
You figured that all out
by yourself, did you?
211
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,901
Hey, don't believe everything
you hear about blondes.
212
00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:19,161
Look, sweet pea,
just give me back my powers.
213
00:16:19,371 --> 00:16:21,214
-Then I'll un-zap the scroll.
- No, no.
214
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,248
Write mine back in first.
That army's waiting for me...
215
00:16:24,248 --> 00:16:27,075
to give them a signal that
Xena's gone.
216
00:16:27,075 --> 00:16:28,054
Not helping
your cause any, slick.
217
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,381
Oh. I promise,
if you give me my powers back,
218
00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:33,604
I'll call off the attack.
219
00:16:33,604 --> 00:16:36,003
-Pigs can fly?
-You can.
220
00:16:36,003 --> 00:16:38,866
Wait. If you undo the scroll,
Xena's gonna come back,
221
00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:42,704
-and then the army won't attack.
- That makes sense.
222
00:16:42,704 --> 00:16:43,704
Uh--
223
00:16:45,103 --> 00:16:48,461
Aphrodite is
as she was before.
224
00:16:53,835 --> 00:16:57,674
She is as she was before.
It's all in the wording.
225
00:16:58,153 --> 00:17:00,552
Okay, what if we fill up the scroll
completely? Will that end the curse?
226
00:17:01,016 --> 00:17:04,838
Oh. So now it's a curse.
Before, it was a gift.
227
00:17:06,630 --> 00:17:09,268
And, no, once you run out
of room, that's it.
228
00:17:09,268 --> 00:17:11,187
Everything just stays the
way it was when you wrote it.
229
00:17:11,187 --> 00:17:14,514
Look, just write, "Everything
is as it was before."
230
00:17:14,994 --> 00:17:19,312
Then we'll all go back to our baby
cribs, and you'll go back under your rock.
231
00:17:20,316 --> 00:17:21,846
Did you write him here?
232
00:17:21,846 --> 00:17:23,022
Not exactly, I--
233
00:17:25,194 --> 00:17:27,911
Ah, "Gabrielle
awoke with a jerk."
234
00:17:32,535 --> 00:17:34,908
I don't get it. What's
so funny about waking up?
235
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:44,030
-Nonk
-Thallonius, is that the signal to attack?
236
00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:52,971
No. Not the signal.
237
00:17:53,354 --> 00:17:55,935
I have to deconstruct the story,
starting from the beginning,
238
00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,473
which means I have to
bring Xena back first.
239
00:17:59,204 --> 00:18:02,828
Oh. "Xena rides in
at the head of an army."
240
00:18:03,726 --> 00:18:06,721
-That's good.
- We could end up with an army of ants,
241
00:18:07,081 --> 00:18:10,338
or-- children--or, or-- Harpies, or--
242
00:18:10,645 --> 00:18:13,910
Whoa, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Why don't we describe her?
243
00:18:17,135 --> 00:18:18,978
"Suddenly, there was the
arrival of the woman--"
244
00:18:18,978 --> 00:18:20,802
Leather.
245
00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:23,459
Mention the leather.
"Wearing leather"...
246
00:18:24,023 --> 00:18:24,976
"and--" um--
247
00:18:25,259 --> 00:18:27,959
"black hair,
carrying her chakram."
248
00:18:28,259 --> 00:18:31,466
Wait. Does anybody really
know what a chakram is?
249
00:18:31,466 --> 00:18:33,150
And does
the scroll know it?
250
00:18:33,839 --> 00:18:35,240
"Carrying the whip of Xena."
251
00:18:46,137 --> 00:18:47,170
I'm here.
252
00:18:47,646 --> 00:18:48,989
I don't know why?
253
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,179
But I know I'm here
to do something.
254
00:18:51,523 --> 00:18:53,013
- Minya?
- Who's this?
255
00:18:54,521 --> 00:18:56,022
Uh, this is Minya.
She's our friend.
256
00:18:57,365 --> 00:19:00,665
She wants to be Xena,
and she has Xena's whip.
257
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:02,554
It never leaves my side.
258
00:19:03,117 --> 00:19:06,803
So, who's the stud, the dork
and that bottled-blonde?
259
00:19:07,196 --> 00:19:10,928
This is Ares,
Aphrodite... and Joxer.
260
00:19:10,928 --> 00:19:13,089
What? Ares--
261
00:19:13,992 --> 00:19:16,213
God of War!
262
00:19:18,275 --> 00:19:21,966
- And Aphrodite,
you're the Goddess of Love!
263
00:19:22,868 --> 00:19:25,838
And Joxer
-- Sorry, bub, never heard of ya.
264
00:19:31,994 --> 00:19:33,733
Is that--
No, Munk.
265
00:19:35,233 --> 00:19:38,057
That's lunch.
Pluck it.
266
00:19:45,355 --> 00:19:47,275
You know one thing
I like about being mortal.
267
00:19:51,838 --> 00:19:55,232
-What a trip.
- You know, my boyfriend, Hower,
268
00:19:56,660 --> 00:20:00,807
he thinks that the Goddess of Love
is just sooo beautiful and perfect.
269
00:20:01,998 --> 00:20:05,872
Wait till he hears you're just as plain
dirt on a wagon wheel just like me!
270
00:20:10,207 --> 00:20:13,433
I'm supposed to be the great
bard with the wonderful stories.
271
00:20:13,998 --> 00:20:16,997
I can't even write a happy
ending without screwing it up.
272
00:20:18,372 --> 00:20:21,281
Yes, you can.
I think your stories are--
273
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,436
are beautiful
and, uh,
274
00:20:24,676 --> 00:20:27,559
you know, not everything
you write turns into disaster.
275
00:20:27,987 --> 00:20:29,468
What about
the Sisters of Gaea?
276
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,893
You know that sword
that man gave us?
277
00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:37,018
-We sold it for a king's ransom to Philiadus.
-See? You did some good
278
00:20:37,646 --> 00:20:39,054
-- the orphans of Gaea.
279
00:20:43,385 --> 00:20:44,855
You!
280
00:20:45,334 --> 00:20:47,790
That is my kinsman's sword!
281
00:20:48,450 --> 00:20:51,021
And you are a dead man.
282
00:20:51,246 --> 00:20:52,601
Wait!
283
00:20:52,824 --> 00:20:55,648
- What's your name?
- I am Scaberus.
284
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,354
Why?
285
00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:02,746
The caves!
286
00:21:03,623 --> 00:21:06,146
I must go to the caves.
287
00:21:07,184 --> 00:21:10,751
Those caves are gonna
start gettin' pretty full.
288
00:21:13,174 --> 00:21:15,865
My throat is dry as dust.
Where's my drink?
289
00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:18,004
Coming, sir
290
00:21:22,488 --> 00:21:25,394
No.
That's not the sign.
291
00:21:26,733 --> 00:21:28,539
You know, I've been
trying to bring Xena here.
292
00:21:28,984 --> 00:21:31,850
Why don't we just go find her? I
mean, there aren't that many...
293
00:21:31,850 --> 00:21:33,195
fishing places around here.
294
00:21:33,951 --> 00:21:36,549
We've got to find a trout
stream or a fishing hole or...
295
00:21:36,549 --> 00:21:37,858
wherever I sent her.
296
00:21:42,001 --> 00:21:43,595
Why won't it stay up?
297
00:21:45,292 --> 00:21:47,696
Basic hair care was not
such a drag as a goddess.
298
00:21:48,719 --> 00:21:49,572
I think it looks good on ya.
299
00:21:51,267 --> 00:21:52,918
Flattery works.Keep going.
300
00:21:54,456 --> 00:21:56,145
Um, you know what?
301
00:21:56,490 --> 00:21:58,489
I-I have this question for you.
302
00:21:58,770 --> 00:22:01,730
Um, I lo--
303
00:22:02,865 --> 00:22:05,957
There's-There's
this guy, and he really...
304
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:08,459
loves this girl,but this girl...
305
00:22:08,459 --> 00:22:10,686
-doesn't even know--
-Hello?
306
00:22:10,983 --> 00:22:14,184
The love goddess is off the
clock. I got my own problems.
307
00:22:18,273 --> 00:22:22,079
Poetry. And if that
doesn't work-- presents.
308
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:24,538
-Yeah?
-Yeah. Lots and lots of presents.
309
00:22:25,311 --> 00:22:26,686
Huh!
Okay?
310
00:22:26,686 --> 00:22:29,558
- Yeah.
- Standard answer. Now, give me my space.
311
00:22:30,374 --> 00:22:32,774
Yeah. Poetry.
312
00:22:33,733 --> 00:22:34,573
Poetry.
313
00:22:37,843 --> 00:22:39,554
Hmm, right here.
314
00:22:40,994 --> 00:22:43,696
Let's see, um--
315
00:22:51,757 --> 00:22:53,964
Oh, by the gods! Look!
316
00:23:07,494 --> 00:23:08,744
What?
317
00:23:32,667 --> 00:23:35,546
- You wrote on the scroll?
- Oh, I-I-- Well, I was just...
318
00:23:35,546 --> 00:23:37,929
trying to write a limerick
to cheer you up a little.
319
00:23:38,889 --> 00:23:41,287
"A warrior,
Joxer the Mighty,
320
00:23:41,287 --> 00:23:43,686
"Asked a boon
from the god, Aphrodite.
321
00:23:43,686 --> 00:23:47,525
And what a surprise he saw
with love's eyes, three times--"
322
00:23:47,525 --> 00:23:50,227
Had a little trouble there. Anyone
know a word that ends in "ighty"?
323
00:23:50,227 --> 00:23:54,850
Ooh! What does "love's
eyes" have to do with me?
324
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:57,728
W-Well-Well--
W-Well the-the--
325
00:23:58,208 --> 00:24:01,086
I get it. I get it.
Of course,
326
00:24:01,086 --> 00:24:03,965
"love's eyes,"
Aphrodite's eyes.
327
00:24:03,965 --> 00:24:06,172
She was looking at me
when you wrote the poem, right?
328
00:24:06,172 --> 00:24:10,618
That's it, exactly. Now, let's
send those three to the caves!
329
00:24:10,618 --> 00:24:11,818
Ooh. The--
330
00:24:13,896 --> 00:24:17,607
The, uh
-- Uh, we can do it in a minute, or now is good.
331
00:24:17,607 --> 00:24:19,974
To the caves!
332
00:24:19,974 --> 00:24:21,054
The cave.
333
00:24:56,737 --> 00:24:58,284
Aphrodite!
334
00:25:00,084 --> 00:25:01,668
Aphrodite said get her a present.
335
00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:07,388
How am I gonna get you a present with no--
336
00:25:18,513 --> 00:25:26,941
This is a family heirloom...passed from father to son
337
00:25:29,163 --> 00:25:32,139
- Will ya trade for it?
- Yeah, I'll trade.
338
00:25:32,376 --> 00:25:34,952
But you'll have to be quick.
It's late. I'm tired and--
339
00:25:37,472 --> 00:25:39,801
I'm always open for business.
340
00:25:54,393 --> 00:25:55,191
What is--
341
00:25:56,177 --> 00:25:57,301
You like it?
342
00:26:00,898 --> 00:26:03,397
Uh, it's--
it's beautiful.
343
00:26:04,011 --> 00:26:06,737
-But Wh-Why?
- 'Cause I wanted to get you something.
344
00:26:08,402 --> 00:26:09,871
You know, just to, uh,
345
00:26:10,995 --> 00:26:13,726
say sorry for the three
naked yous and everything.
346
00:26:18,131 --> 00:26:24,444
I had to trade my
father's scabbard for it.
347
00:26:24,444 --> 00:26:27,570
-What?
- I had to trade my father's scabbard for it.
348
00:26:29,437 --> 00:26:33,193
Joxer, you said that you would
never, ever part with that scabbard.
349
00:26:33,441 --> 00:26:36,097
Well, you know, Gabrielle, some things in
life are worth more than what they seem.
350
00:26:36,097 --> 00:26:38,535
-The scroll, Joxer.
-Yeah?
351
00:26:38,752 --> 00:26:41,651
-I hid the scroll in the scabbard.
- You did?
352
00:26:42,285 --> 00:26:44,062
- Where is it, now!
353
00:26:45,374 --> 00:26:47,560
Ow! I traded a peddler for it!
We can get it back!
354
00:26:48,449 --> 00:26:50,253
What's the odds he's gonna figure it out?!
355
00:26:50,253 --> 00:26:53,506
You'd better hurry.
It's raining dinars in town!
356
00:26:53,819 --> 00:26:54,671
Oh, that's funny.
357
00:26:57,194 --> 00:26:59,886
Ha. I've got it.
Mm-hmm, I've got it.
358
00:26:59,886 --> 00:27:03,618
I know exactly what to write, but,
first, we have to get the scroll.
359
00:27:03,885 --> 00:27:05,740
And just what will you write?
360
00:27:06,396 --> 00:27:08,310
Well, Ares,
that's my business.
361
00:27:08,788 --> 00:27:10,770
Now, Aphrodite, Minya.
I want you to go to town.
362
00:27:11,098 --> 00:27:12,739
I want you to find out
where the peddler went.
363
00:27:13,130 --> 00:27:16,559
Ares and I are going to go where it's
raining dinars and look for him there.
364
00:27:17,537 --> 00:27:18,882
What about me?
365
00:27:20,225 --> 00:27:21,726
Well, Joxer--
Oh.
366
00:27:22,101 --> 00:27:24,197
You get to go to the caves
-- Say, Gab--
367
00:27:24,197 --> 00:27:25,851
And you get to wait.
368
00:27:26,210 --> 00:27:27,068
Come on!
369
00:27:29,382 --> 00:27:31,335
Do wh--
370
00:27:32,289 --> 00:27:33,524
Ooh, the caves.
371
00:27:53,973 --> 00:27:55,880
Hi there, big boy.
372
00:27:59,130 --> 00:28:01,767
Call me when you've had a bath, toots
373
00:28:03,831 --> 00:28:07,009
Okay. The tavern keeper said
the peddler headed out of town.
374
00:28:08,470 --> 00:28:09,549
What wrong?
375
00:28:09,977 --> 00:28:10,756
Oh.
376
00:28:10,756 --> 00:28:12,672
"I'm gonna end up like you!"
377
00:28:21,896 --> 00:28:24,408
These ruts are deep as if
he's carrying a load of dinars.
378
00:28:26,306 --> 00:28:27,875
Where'd you learn
to read trails like that?
379
00:28:29,077 --> 00:28:30,297
Xena, of course.
380
00:28:31,281 --> 00:28:33,672
You know, you hang around her long
enough, you're bound to pick up something.
381
00:28:34,282 --> 00:28:35,724
-You just have to focus.
- Oh, yeah.
382
00:28:36,355 --> 00:28:38,331
I taught her that.
When she came to me,
383
00:28:38,331 --> 00:28:40,457
she was just another lost
warlord, hungry to kill.
384
00:28:41,479 --> 00:28:44,176
-I gave her a purpose.
- Well, she has a different purpose now.
385
00:28:45,025 --> 00:28:47,694
I know.
She's so darned good at it.
386
00:28:48,553 --> 00:28:51,525
You know, what she did when I
had her on trial for her life,
387
00:28:52,383 --> 00:28:55,454
-it-- it was amazing.
-How about what she pulled off with the Furies?
388
00:28:55,659 --> 00:28:59,674
Oh, it was brilliant. Yeah. And she does it all with that
-- that steely gaze, you know?
389
00:28:59,674 --> 00:29:01,193
Oh, yeah. I've seen
that one a few times.
390
00:29:05,575 --> 00:29:07,916
-Uh, looks like he's headind for the caves.
-Yeah.
391
00:29:11,357 --> 00:29:14,542
We were starting to warm up
to each other there, weren't we?
392
00:29:15,450 --> 00:29:17,390
Yeah. We were.
393
00:29:18,545 --> 00:29:20,403
-I didn't like it.
-Right back at ya.
394
00:29:20,403 --> 00:29:21,004
Okay.
395
00:29:44,103 --> 00:29:44,736
-Joxer
396
00:29:45,038 --> 00:29:49,455
- I'm tryin' to disarm 'em.
- I don't know how, but you're going to screw it up.
397
00:29:49,769 --> 00:29:52,769
-Now, just back away!
-I'm not gonna screw it up...
398
00:29:52,769 --> 00:29:55,611
as long as they don't wake up
before I find the ped--
399
00:29:58,103 --> 00:29:59,499
That's the guy!
400
00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:03,584
Who's got it?!
401
00:30:07,570 --> 00:30:08,040
Oh, the scroll!
402
00:30:09,382 --> 00:30:10,986
Can't
-- Can't find it. Can't find it.
403
00:30:10,986 --> 00:30:12,682
Gab!
404
00:30:12,682 --> 00:30:14,794
- Kill them!
- Get him.
405
00:30:17,017 --> 00:30:18,759
Kill them!
Get him!
406
00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:27,331
Kill them!
Come on!
407
00:30:30,035 --> 00:30:32,258
Let's go!
408
00:30:47,570 --> 00:30:48,673
Not the scroll!
409
00:30:53,712 --> 00:30:55,366
Oh, my kinsman's sword!
410
00:31:27,737 --> 00:31:30,567
Nice lookin', huh?
Yeah!
411
00:31:33,734 --> 00:31:34,734
Oof!
412
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:51,807
Time to end this
once and for all!
413
00:31:59,659 --> 00:32:02,058
You there!
414
00:32:02,521 --> 00:32:04,569
Stay back!
415
00:32:06,808 --> 00:32:09,367
Gabrielle.
Over here.
416
00:32:12,917 --> 00:32:15,140
- That's the way out of the caves!
417
00:32:15,140 --> 00:32:17,059
Move!
418
00:32:36,459 --> 00:32:38,857
-Come on! They're getting away!
- Me?
419
00:32:40,411 --> 00:32:42,110
I'm mortal. I might be killed
420
00:32:42,485 --> 00:32:43,295
Gods.
421
00:32:43,655 --> 00:32:46,055
Aieee-ya!
422
00:32:46,055 --> 00:32:48,757
You hair-ball get back here!
423
00:32:53,379 --> 00:32:55,602
What did you write in that scroll?
424
00:32:55,602 --> 00:32:58,961
Instead of bringing Xena to the
scroll, I sent the scroll to Xena.
425
00:32:58,961 --> 00:33:01,359
I just hope
I phrased it right.
426
00:33:15,053 --> 00:33:20,185
Ha-ha. If that's not a sign from Ares,
I don't know what is. Attack!"
427
00:33:27,344 --> 00:33:31,365
Ares, we have got to catch up with your warrior
friends, so we can call off this attack.
428
00:33:31,365 --> 00:33:35,283
Well, I can't stop them as a mortal, but
when I get my powers back, I promise,
429
00:33:35,679 --> 00:33:40,079
I'm gonna punish Thelonius and his
army in some painful and horrible way.
430
00:33:40,079 --> 00:33:41,938
You know, innocent
people are going to die.
431
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:44,181
Oh, yes.
Innocent people.
432
00:33:44,675 --> 00:33:47,065
Look, with or without you,
we're going to fight Thelonius!
433
00:33:47,065 --> 00:33:50,315
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Who exactly is "we"?
434
00:33:50,557 --> 00:33:51,367
Wait.
435
00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:56,923
- You guys smell somethin'?
- Lay off of me, turkey!
436
00:33:56,923 --> 00:33:57,908
No.
437
00:33:59,033 --> 00:34:00,831
- Oh, it's fish!
438
00:34:01,191 --> 00:34:04,723
I'm new to this
mortal hygiene thing!
439
00:34:07,957 --> 00:34:09,332
Xena?
440
00:34:10,879 --> 00:34:12,865
Uh, you looking for this?
Huh?
441
00:34:13,167 --> 00:34:16,458
I, uh
-- I took it off a peddler, who was being chased by barbarians,
442
00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:21,322
who was being chased by... three
naked Gabrielles and Minya.
443
00:34:21,322 --> 00:34:24,459
She's still chasing them by the
way. Oh, yeah. I read the scroll.
444
00:34:25,319 --> 00:34:26,896
"Kind of messed it up, didn't I?
445
00:34:26,896 --> 00:34:29,206
Pretty much.
Did you write that limerick?
446
00:34:29,495 --> 00:34:32,211
-"I did.
-"Figures
447
00:34:32,650 --> 00:34:36,014
I tried to get you back. I tried,
"Xena goes to her number one friend--"
448
00:34:36,275 --> 00:34:39,589
You sent me to visit a girl I hadn't seen
since I was five-- my firstfriend.
449
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,839
What about "Xena rejoins the woman
who brought her to a new life"?
450
00:34:44,393 --> 00:34:46,260
Mom says thanks for the fish.
451
00:34:46,651 --> 00:34:48,465
I did start back once,but then I was overtaken...
452
00:34:48,776 --> 00:34:50,936
by this irresistible urge to return to fishing.
453
00:34:51,150 --> 00:34:53,338
I figured that's where you wrote,
"Xena returns from her journey."
454
00:34:53,872 --> 00:34:56,369
And then I knew that something was up.
455
00:34:56,588 --> 00:35:00,004
I had visited just about everyone
who ever meant anything to me.
456
00:35:00,583 --> 00:35:01,815
well, except you.
457
00:35:03,788 --> 00:35:05,790
- That's when I headed back.
458
00:35:06,686 --> 00:35:11,469
Look. I hate to be the one to break up,
like, a major love-fest, but look at me!
459
00:35:11,469 --> 00:35:13,281
I'm not built to be mortal!
460
00:35:13,917 --> 00:35:16,467
We have to-- put things back the way they were!"
461
00:35:16,467 --> 00:35:19,821
Yeah. And stop Thelonius
from destroying the valley.
462
00:35:19,821 --> 00:35:23,469
- Whatever.
- Aphrodite, what was the charm that you used for the scroll?
463
00:35:23,469 --> 00:35:24,542
Exact word
464
00:35:26,330 --> 00:35:30,746
"Lies will make the world go 'round
till true words are written down."
465
00:35:31,076 --> 00:35:34,339
So, if you make something up, the
scroll has the power to make it happen.
466
00:35:34,339 --> 00:35:38,714
And when truer words are written,
the power ends. Well, that's it!
467
00:35:40,060 --> 00:35:41,592
All we have to do is write the truth."
468
00:35:41,592 --> 00:35:44,637
Okay. But how will we get rid
of this warlord Thelonius?
469
00:35:44,637 --> 00:35:47,458
I'll take care of him, but you have
to write down everything that I do--
470
00:35:47,458 --> 00:35:51,765
no embellishing, no poetic license,
just exactly what you see, all right?
471
00:35:51,765 --> 00:35:53,625
But how are we gonna
know if it worked?
472
00:35:53,625 --> 00:35:55,468
When you get your
powers back, we'll know.
473
00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:05,768
What's wrong?
474
00:36:06,655 --> 00:36:10,237
I, uh
-- I'm not really good at... writing action.
475
00:36:10,929 --> 00:36:11,624
What?
476
00:36:12,639 --> 00:36:13,828
You follow Xena around--
477
00:36:17,406 --> 00:36:20,253
You
-- You follow Xena around all day. Uh--
478
00:36:20,253 --> 00:36:23,407
You write stories about her. How do
you do this without writing action?
479
00:36:24,491 --> 00:36:25,858
You see,
I use metaphors.
480
00:36:26,242 --> 00:36:29,596
I write, "Xena burst on the
scene in a blaze of glory."
481
00:36:30,843 --> 00:36:33,274
You do that and we'll be pickin'
her up in a million pieces.
482
00:36:40,031 --> 00:36:42,658
Move it! Kill, kill,
kill, kill! Follow me!
483
00:36:42,907 --> 00:36:45,033
-Attack! Attack! Attack!
484
00:36:45,313 --> 00:36:46,532
Get up!
Get up! Get up!
485
00:36:59,968 --> 00:37:05,394
Xena leads with a pike,then a trout.
Bam, bam-- two quick bass."
486
00:37:13,811 --> 00:37:15,421
Oh, he's taken it on the chin!
487
00:37:27,417 --> 00:37:28,751
That octopus came out of nowhere.
488
00:37:29,354 --> 00:37:31,564
She must have thrown that just for the halibut
489
00:37:32,949 --> 00:37:35,171
"Write, 'Xena hit the warrior with a squid
490
00:37:35,828 --> 00:37:38,814
It was an octopus. I think I
know a squid when I see one.
491
00:38:17,451 --> 00:38:20,133
-"Xena whacked the warrior with her sword."
- "Whacked"?
492
00:38:20,133 --> 00:38:21,754
- Is that a word?
- "Hit." Say "hit."
493
00:38:21,754 --> 00:38:24,465
I don't think it's very
literary. Okay. "Hit."
494
00:38:27,919 --> 00:38:30,446
- "Xena fought with the warrior leader."
495
00:38:30,446 --> 00:38:33,805
"Fought with the--" Hey, what
do you mean "awoke with a jerk"?
496
00:38:33,805 --> 00:38:36,523
- Just keep to the script.
- I'm ready for action.
497
00:38:37,003 --> 00:38:39,402
Where's Xena?
498
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,247
Minya, where are the barbarians?
They stopped fighting...
499
00:38:46,247 --> 00:38:48,646
and ran back to Barbaria.
500
00:38:48,646 --> 00:38:52,005
My hormones are peaking.
I'm ready for action.
501
00:38:52,005 --> 00:38:54,884
I'm gonna crack
some heads! Yeah.
502
00:39:21,511 --> 00:39:23,430
I'm back!
503
00:39:23,430 --> 00:39:25,349
Later.
504
00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:30,611
Ugh. Oh
-- Sorry. Ugh. Ughhh!
505
00:39:40,735 --> 00:39:41,999
Wa--
506
00:39:51,674 --> 00:39:54,073
Run, maggot!
507
00:39:55,512 --> 00:39:57,912
Ooh, I still got it.
508
00:40:05,396 --> 00:40:07,011
What's that?
Huh?
509
00:40:10,322 --> 00:40:12,241
"What's that?"
510
00:40:15,599 --> 00:40:19,262
You know, I expected
more from the God of War.
511
00:40:19,262 --> 00:40:22,141
I mean, without his powers,
he's just another man.
512
00:40:22,141 --> 00:40:25,979
Just another big old,
leather-clad,
513
00:40:25,979 --> 00:40:28,378
well-muscled,
gorgeous,
514
00:40:28,378 --> 00:40:32,792
hunk-a bad boy...
man.
515
00:40:32,792 --> 00:40:35,415
How are those hormones,
Minya? Raging.
516
00:40:35,415 --> 00:40:38,293
I, uh
-- I might go see... Hower.
517
00:40:39,732 --> 00:40:41,651
Weird.
Mmm.
518
00:40:42,132 --> 00:40:45,010
I guess everything's
fine now. I guess so.
519
00:40:45,010 --> 00:40:48,369
Hey, look. You still got some extra
space at the bottom of the scroll.
520
00:40:48,849 --> 00:40:50,768
Guess that means there's
something else to write.
521
00:40:51,247 --> 00:40:53,647
Try, "The End."
522
00:40:53,647 --> 00:40:57,005
Okay. I just
-- I personally think that sounds a bit--
523
00:40:59,496 --> 00:41:00,456
Captioned by Grantman Brown
40072
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