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1
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,509
Hello.
2
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,610
Daddy's home. Did you miss me?
3
00:01:07,634 --> 00:01:10,113
You pretty little green things.
4
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:11,981
Are you thirsty?
5
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:14,306
Well, lookie here.
6
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,786
Are you happy?
Tickle-tick-tick-tick!
7
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,469
Oh... Ye... Ernie,
you look droopy!
8
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:33,803
I'll cheer you up.
9
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:35,138
Have you heard this one?
10
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:38,108
There was a junkman, he
had a garden in his junkyard
11
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:41,111
and he was raising
corn and beans.
12
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,212
And guess what he got?
13
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:45,248
"Succotrash!"
14
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,450
Did you get it?
15
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,451
Got it.
16
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:48,851
Uh, hello, son.
17
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,455
I was just talking to
my little friends here.
18
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:53,056
Well, why don't you
ask your little friends
19
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,891
if they'll help you
clean up this mess?
20
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:56,526
What is this?
21
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:57,994
This is my new hobby.
22
00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,496
Making a mess is your hobby?
23
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,365
I thought it was your lifestyle.
24
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,101
Listen, son, this is soil.
25
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:05,268
I'm taking up gardening.
26
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,703
Since when?
27
00:02:06,727 --> 00:02:11,374
Since I sold my stamp collection
and spent my coin collection.
28
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,176
Hey, that sounds great, Pop.
29
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,114
Yeah. You see, it's this program
called the "Galloping Geranium,"
30
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:19,116
and last week, this guy
taught me how to grow
31
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:22,652
lettuce and tomatoes and
radishes and stuff like that.
32
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:24,454
Hey, you know, that
gives me an idea, Pop.
33
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,256
We've got a lot of
room in the yard.
34
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,824
Why don't we plant
our own vegetables?
35
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,025
You mean it?
36
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,227
Yeah! We could do it together.
37
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:32,695
It would be like a
father-and-son hobby.
38
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,097
That's nice, Lamont.
39
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:36,399
I mean, I didn't know you
were interested in gardening.
40
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:37,834
Why not?
41
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,236
Well, up to now,
42
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,960
the only thing you've grown
is dumber and dumber.
43
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,879
We're doing fine, son.
44
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,381
Very fine. Be
careful there, now.
45
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,450
Don't bruise my tomatoes.
46
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,718
This gardening is
hard work, ain't it?
47
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,154
You know, you're
unbelievable, Pop.
48
00:02:57,178 --> 00:02:58,955
We're supposed to be
doing this thing together, man.
49
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,525
We're supposed to
be in the soil together.
50
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,326
Wasn't I right in there
with you yesterday?
51
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:07,686
Only because you dozed
off and fell into the squash.
52
00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:12,335
But, son, see, at my
age and in this hot sun,
53
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,304
I could have the
big one any time.
54
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,206
Don't give me that, Pop.
55
00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:19,075
For the last few days, I've been
killing myself with this garden
56
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:22,179
and all you do is sit in that
lounge chair and give me orders.
57
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:25,248
I'm the gardening expert.
You're the gardener.
58
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:27,939
See? You're the
Indian. I'm the chief.
59
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:32,578
Yeah. Sitting Bull.
60
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:41,831
I'm taking a break.
I'm going in the house.
61
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:44,267
Well, listen, son, while
you're going in there,
62
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:45,691
will you freshen this up for me?
63
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,727
I'll help.
64
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,242
One, two.
65
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,644
One, two, three.
66
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,280
One, two.
67
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:59,916
One, two, three.
68
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,140
That's great, Charo.
69
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:06,623
You know, you look
better on television.
70
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:10,260
I'm Professor Leonard Miller,
Cal Tech Poly, Phi Beta Kappa.
71
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,695
Well, I'm Fred Sanford,
72
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:14,185
Polly wanna cracker,
I sell her junk-a.
73
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:21,404
Well, how do you do, sir?
74
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,139
You see, I'm a geologist,
75
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,475
and my specialty
is rock formations.
76
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,909
Oh, really?
77
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:30,913
Well, maybe you can tell me
how Gladys Knight found her Pips.
78
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:33,049
Er, no, Mr. Sanford.
See, I'm a scientist.
79
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,451
I study the earth.
80
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:38,187
Well, how would you
like to study the stars?
81
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,357
I don't think you
understand, Mr. Sanford.
82
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:43,627
You see, now, this
is 34 north latitude,
83
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:46,496
and 118 west longitude, right?
84
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,132
This is 9114 South Central.
85
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,533
This is a junkyard.
86
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:52,168
Now, can I help
you with something?
87
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,471
No. But I think I can
help you with something.
88
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,306
Now, I've been
studying oil strikes
89
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,707
in the southern California area.
90
00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,997
Look at this.
91
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,980
Now, the Baldwin
Hills oil strike is here.
92
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,383
The La Brea Tar Pits are here
93
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:08,485
and the Santa
Barbara strikes up here.
94
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:11,954
Now, if I connect these
three lines and form a triangle,
95
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,457
and then bisect the hypotenuse,
96
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:17,427
the fourth line
brings me right here.
97
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,429
Right here.
98
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:22,732
And you know what's
under there, don't you?
99
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:25,468
Zucchini.
100
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:27,069
I planted it yesterday.
101
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:29,272
Ah, no, Mr. Sanford.
102
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,674
Oil.
103
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,342
Are you crazy?
104
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:34,911
If there was some oil under
there, I'd have found it myself.
105
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,914
But my map has
lead me right here.
106
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,516
That's understandable.
107
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:44,621
See, this is a junkyard and
your map is a piece of junk.
108
00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,222
But Mr. Sanford, I
can prove my theory.
109
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,691
Hand me that shovel.
110
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:48,692
Oh, no, no, no.
111
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:49,992
You can't dig with this shovel.
112
00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:50,993
Why not?
113
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,895
Because, A, this
is not your shovel...
114
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:53,896
All right, I'll buy it.
115
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,232
And B, it's an antique.
116
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,668
What, that? Why, that's
just an ordinary shovel.
117
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,904
No, no, no. Your
eyes deceive you.
118
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,973
This priceless treasure
119
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:06,631
helped Hannibal cross the Alps.
120
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,145
How?
121
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:13,405
Did you ever march behind
200 elephants without a shovel?
122
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,258
Well, where did you get it?
123
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:25,061
A friend of mine, a scholar
of that period, gave it to me.
124
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,797
Oh, well, well! What's his
name? Perhaps I know him.
125
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,098
Oh, you wouldn't know him.
126
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:33,903
It's, uh, er, it's
Professor, uh, J.C. Penny.
127
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:35,905
I don't believe I know him.
128
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,207
Well, my goodness,
129
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,510
how can you put
a price tag on that?
130
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:41,800
Like this.
131
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,081
Fifteen dollars. I'll take it!
132
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:47,406
I'll sell it.
133
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:49,786
Hey, Pop, you know...
134
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,588
I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had a customer.
135
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:52,889
Oh, that's all right, son.
136
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,392
I'd like you to meet
Professor Leonard Miller.
137
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,059
What's happening?
How do you do, sir?
138
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,895
Well, I guess I'll get
back to the garden.
139
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,129
Would you hand me that shovel?
140
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,531
Oh, no, no!
141
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:02,899
You can't dig in the garden
142
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,100
with a priceless
shovel like this.
143
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,568
Priceless? That old shovel...
144
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,371
Now, now, listen. Put that
priceless shovel somewhere safe.
145
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:10,206
You be sure you come
back here real soon.
146
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,474
Well... Well, what
about the oil?
147
00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:14,377
Uh, change it every 2000 miles.
148
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:16,267
And happy motoring.
149
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,717
You mind telling me
what that was all about?
150
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,285
About 15 bucks.
151
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:24,621
That's what he paid
for that old rusty shovel.
152
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,156
I guess there's a sucker
born every minute.
153
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,559
Yeah, and that
was an hour's worth.
154
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,828
Well, Pop, are you gonna
help me with this garden, now?
155
00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:33,496
Son, I did my part.
156
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,555
I got us a scarecrow.
157
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:46,843
Yeah, see...
158
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:51,402
This is guaranteed to scare
away slugs and snails and birds.
159
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,183
You know, you've
gone too far, now.
160
00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,952
I don't want anything
to do with this.
161
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,353
From now on,
this is your garden.
162
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:59,177
Then step aside.
163
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:04,126
I now dedicate the first annual
164
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:08,798
Fred G. Sanford
vegetable garden.
165
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,608
What did you do?
166
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:21,911
My thumb is greener
than I thought it was.
167
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,402
I've struck prune juice!
168
00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,787
Hey, Pop!
169
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,289
Pop! FRED: Coming right down.
170
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,691
Well, hurry up, man.
171
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:37,035
The guy from the oil company
will be here any minute.
172
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:58,948
What are you trying to do?
173
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:01,350
Well, you see, son,
it's all psychological.
174
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:05,054
See, these days, the
Arabs control all the oil.
175
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,656
And if this guy
thinks I'm an Arab,
176
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,212
he won't try to pull a fast one.
177
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,327
Well, you're the first
Arab I've ever seen
178
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:14,252
whose caftan says,
"Property of El Segundo Inn."
179
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,233
Well, don't worry, son.
180
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,701
He'll fall for it.
181
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:22,271
See, because I'm familiar
with all of those Eastern culture.
182
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:25,207
See, we've got
cousins in Philadelphia.
183
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,275
That doesn't count.
184
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,944
The man is gonna
see right through you.
185
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,834
He will?
186
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,918
He's gonna know you're a fake.
187
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,853
You don't know the first
thing about Arab culture.
188
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,254
Are you kidding?
189
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,679
Remember I used to date
that belly dancer for six months?
190
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,626
Well, what did you learn?
191
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,404
Pop, this whole thing...
192
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,988
Would you stop that?
193
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,144
Pop, this whole
thing is ridiculous.
194
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,313
Arabs don't even
dress like that anymore.
195
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:05,848
Really, son?
196
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:07,383
The only Arabs
that dress like that
197
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,985
are the ones that
you see on television.
198
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,454
Now, take that off before
you make fools out of us.
199
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,856
Well, I'm just trying to help.
200
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:16,659
Well, you should have never
put it on in the first place.
201
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:17,961
Give me this.
202
00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,997
I made it up out of
some stuff I found.
203
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,289
I'll get it.
204
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,459
Good afternoon.
205
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,216
My name is Abdula Aram.
206
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,954
Hear that, son, El Fake-o.
207
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,389
I'm the Man from Glad.
208
00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:51,260
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'm
looking for Mr. Fred Sanford.
209
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,996
Hey, this guy is
good, ain't he, son?
210
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,497
Even got the accent down pat.
211
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,867
I do not understand.
212
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,135
Oh, man, cut it out!
213
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,970
We know Arabs don't
look like that no more.
214
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,139
And take off that fake beard.
215
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,046
I'm sorry. I didn't
know it was real.
216
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,447
Of course it is real!
217
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:15,484
That is my very own hairs
on my little chinny-chin-chin!
218
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:16,786
Why did you pull it?
219
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:20,123
B-because that's how
Americans say hello.
220
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,191
It is?
221
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:25,728
This is a form of greeting
I have never heard of.
222
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:26,796
Well, everybody does it.
223
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,597
Really? Uh-huh.
224
00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:29,766
Good afternoon.
225
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,871
Oh, I will never get used to
226
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,539
your American customs.
227
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,909
I am having so much
trouble with assimilation.
228
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,266
Well, you should
eat more roughage.
229
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,947
Pop!
230
00:11:44,971 --> 00:11:47,216
Oh, Mr. Aram, about the oil...
231
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,986
Yes. Yes. It will be
ready in a moment.
232
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:53,277
The test is almost
completed here.
233
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,316
Aha.
234
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,834
It is just as I thought!
235
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,502
This is crude.
236
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:08,204
Pure crude!
237
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:12,374
Listen, just because we live
in Watts, don't insult our oil.
238
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,578
Oh, no, no, no! You
misunderstand, Mr. Sanford.
239
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:19,015
In oil terminology,
"crude" is good.
240
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,504
How good?
241
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,342
Er, how much?
242
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,889
Well, of course,
243
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,991
everything depends on
the amount of the yield
244
00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:31,861
but it could be
worth, er, millions.
245
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,462
Millions?
246
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,864
Millions?
247
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,687
Millions?
248
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:39,969
Millions!
249
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,670
Millions, son!
250
00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,561
Millions!
251
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,065
Millions!
252
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,237
Millions!
253
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,957
I am prepared to
make you an offer
254
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,993
for the oil rights to your well.
255
00:13:04,017 --> 00:13:05,628
I will be back tomorrow
256
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:10,066
with the assayers and
with the necessary papers
257
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,467
and a blank check.
258
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,501
Thanks a lot, Mr. Aram.
259
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:13,903
Thank you very much. Not at all.
260
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,172
May the camel of your prosperity
261
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:19,630
always provide two
humps for your comfort.
262
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:23,312
I can live with that.
263
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:24,747
Salaam alaikum.
264
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:27,205
Yeah, some a-like 'em
hot, some a-like 'em cold.
265
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,921
Hey, Pop, I don't
believe it, man. We're rich.
266
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,923
We're really rich, Pop.
267
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,925
It's not "Pop" anymore.
268
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,928
It's "father."
269
00:13:38,952 --> 00:13:41,197
And to everyone
else, it's Frederick.
270
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:44,066
Frederick G. Sanford.
271
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:46,958
And the G is for "Gusher."
272
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,398
Yoo-hoo! Rich dummy.
273
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,119
Very funny. Very funny.
274
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,486
Where have you been all day?
275
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:08,191
Son, what do rich people
enjoy more than anything else?
276
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,758
Poor people.
277
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,160
No, Lamont.
278
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,930
Rich people always love
to spend money all the time.
279
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,233
Then they get famous
places named after them:
280
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,936
Rockefeller Center...
Kennedy Center.
281
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,871
Uh, Carnegie Hall.
282
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,061
Monty Hall.
283
00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:27,176
Why don't you haul
yourself out of here?
284
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,411
Hey, show Lamont
what you bought, Fred.
285
00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,981
"Bought"? Pop, we haven't
seen a penny of that money yet.
286
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,182
I hope you didn't go crazy
287
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,550
and go and buy
something expensive.
288
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,819
Son, you only go
around once in life,
289
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,888
and you ought
to do it with gusto.
290
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,345
You bought beer?
291
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,960
No, son. Here.
292
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,462
Try this here.
293
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,864
$60 an ounce.
294
00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,465
Hey, Pop, that
stuff's against the law.
295
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,467
It's caviar.
296
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,424
Don't worry. Smell it.
297
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,573
Eugh! FRED: Huh?
298
00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:00,076
That stuff smells terrible!
What's it made out of?
299
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,310
Fish eggs.
300
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,278
Roe.
301
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,279
What?
302
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,047
Roe, dummy. Roe!
303
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:06,715
He will if you get the boat.
304
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,952
What?
305
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:11,754
Just a little boat, son.
306
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,089
Boat?
307
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,390
You bought a boat?
308
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,025
It's on lay away.
309
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,094
Pop, we can't afford a boat.
310
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:19,695
And besides, we live
in central Los Angeles.
311
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:20,897
Where are we gonna keep it?
312
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,698
On the lake.
313
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,700
What lake?
314
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,991
The lake next to
our summer home.
315
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,494
You bought a summer home?
316
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,042
Pop, look, you've
got to forget about
317
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:34,243
buying all of this stuff, man.
318
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,644
Once we get some money,
319
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,646
then we can figure
out what to do with it.
320
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:40,116
Does that mean I won't
be behind the wheel
321
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,617
of a new Cadillac?
322
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,086
You promised Bubba
a new Cadillac?
323
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,489
No, I was going to
let him chauffer mine.
324
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,962
Oh, that must be
Mr. Aram. I'll get it.
325
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,566
Good day, Mr. Sanford.
326
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,203
Good day, Mr. Aram.
327
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:05,674
Beautiful day, is it not?
328
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:07,276
Will be, when you
hand over that check.
329
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,911
Uh-uh. Not so fast.
330
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,846
We must wait for the assayers.
331
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,481
What are they assaying?
332
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:16,118
I don't know. They
are a-whispering.
333
00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:22,347
That used to kill them
down on the oasis!
334
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,562
How long is it going to
take before we know?
335
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:27,563
Oh, not much longer.
336
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,665
Please, be patient, hey?
337
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,067
Ah!
338
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,504
Er, excuse me a moment.
339
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:39,775
I have to check
something outside.
340
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,311
See, they're having
a conference.
341
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,679
I wonder what it's about, Fred.
342
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,714
They probably have to wire
Cairo for some more money.
343
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:46,949
Oh.
344
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:48,550
I don't like it, Pop.
I'm getting nervous.
345
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:49,785
Hey, well, son, here.
346
00:16:49,809 --> 00:16:51,687
Relax yourself. Here's a cigar.
347
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:53,356
Here, Bub.
348
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:54,357
Mr. Sanford.
349
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,824
Ah, have a cigar, Mr. Aram.
350
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,760
Oh, thank you very much.
351
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:03,554
May the smoke from your hookah
always be sweet upon your lips.
352
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:07,303
I can live with that too.
353
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,770
Mmm.
354
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:11,640
I'm afraid I have some bad news,
355
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,109
Mr. Sanford.
356
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,643
You don't like my cigar?
357
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,613
No, the cigar is priceless.
358
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:20,282
It is your well
that is worthless.
359
00:17:20,306 --> 00:17:21,917
Worthless? Worthless?
360
00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,252
Look, don't talk
with your mouthful.
361
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,254
It sounded like
you said worthless.
362
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,523
That is exactly what I said.
363
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,393
But you tested it yourself.
You said it was pure crude.
364
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,594
Well, that was the first quart.
365
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:36,165
But we tried the rest. It
proved out to be pure sludge.
366
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,566
This happens sometimes.
367
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,469
Oh, you said the well
could be worth millions.
368
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,905
That was before it was assayed.
369
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,407
Yeah, but we shook on it.
370
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:47,076
In this country, when you shake,
that means you've got a deal.
371
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,945
Alas, I am not familiar with
the customs of your country.
372
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:51,747
Well, maybe I
should introduce you
373
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,016
to the custom of the big five.
374
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,820
Believe me, I am sorry
375
00:17:58,844 --> 00:18:00,222
that things did not work out.
376
00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:04,360
May the palms of your oasis
always drop dates in your arms.
377
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,763
And may the palms of my
hand drop your teeth at my feet!
378
00:18:14,060 --> 00:18:15,737
It sure is a shame, Fred.
379
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:18,281
All your dreams up in smoke.
380
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,432
Smoke. Smoke! Smoke!
381
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,535
Ahhhh!
382
00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,583
Come on, Pop.
Snap out of it, man.
383
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,385
It's not the end of
the world, you know.
384
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,587
Oh, yeah? I'm the
laughing stock of Watts.
385
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:32,891
You read the paper?
386
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:39,117
"Junkman's Crude Turns to Crud."
387
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,632
Well, I'd like to stay here
388
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,067
and console you,
but I can't, Pop.
389
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:46,135
I've got to return
390
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,559
all that expensive
stuff you bought.
391
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,641
Oh, hi, Professor
Miller. Come on in.
392
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,176
I'm back! See you later, Pop.
393
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,945
Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford.
Thank you so much.
394
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,414
You proved my
theory was correct.
395
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:00,904
We struck oil!
396
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:05,488
You're wrong. We struck out.
397
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,590
That oil well is worthless.
398
00:19:07,614 --> 00:19:08,991
Oh, well, not to
me, Mr. Sanford.
399
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,392
You see, that's why I'm here.
400
00:19:10,416 --> 00:19:13,028
I'd like to dig in
your dead oil well.
401
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,731
I just think you're crazy.
Ain't no oil in the oil well.
402
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,033
Nothing but some
slippery zucchini.
403
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,435
Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford,
404
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:22,304
I might find something
of scientific importance.
405
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,372
And you'd be doing
406
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:25,107
a great service
to the university.
407
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,276
Mr. Sanford, do you realize
408
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:29,345
how expensive it
is to do research?
409
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:30,746
Yeah.
410
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:34,150
Twenty dollars a day,
in advance. You dig?
411
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,551
Yes. I dig.
412
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,586
Well, here's your $20.
413
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:40,456
And, now, all I find,
I keep. You dig?
414
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,859
No, no. $20 a day, you dig.
415
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:47,185
$30 a day, you keep. You dig?
416
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:52,368
Well, in the name of
higher education, I'll pay it.
417
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,670
And in the name of
lower income, I'll take it.
418
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:55,804
Well, professor,
419
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,906
good luck and take
all the time you want.
420
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:00,742
Well, thank you, sir.
421
00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,178
♪ If I kiss you ♪
422
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:04,280
♪ On your two lips ♪
423
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,081
♪ Will you pardon me? ♪
424
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,484
♪ Come tip-toe ♪
425
00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:09,718
♪ Through the tulips ♪
426
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,187
♪ With me ♪
427
00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:12,688
♪ Bee-bee dee-dee ♪
428
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:13,889
♪ Bee-bee ♪
429
00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:15,023
Hello, darling.
430
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,781
♪ Tip-toe Through the window ♪♪
431
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,731
Did you take care
of everything, son?
432
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,933
Did you talk to Professor
Miller like I asked you, Pop?
433
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:26,335
He hasn't been by yet,
434
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,537
but when he comes by,
I'll tell him to stop digging.
435
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,838
See that you do.
436
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:32,241
In the meantime, I'm gonna
go out here to a swap meet
437
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:34,599
and see if I can't get this
business back on its feet.
438
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:40,749
Mr. Sanford. Mr. Sanford!
439
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:43,652
You said my map was a piece
of junk, but you were wrong!
440
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:44,820
We're famous!
441
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,255
Professor Miller,
442
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:48,257
didn't my father tell you
that oil well was worthless?
443
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:49,425
Yes, yes, I know that.
444
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,560
But I found something in
there when I was digging.
445
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,662
What? A bone.
446
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,264
A bone?
447
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:58,021
Well, you better get out of
here before Lassie comes home.
448
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,671
No, Mr. Sanford. This
was a human leg bone!
449
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,640
Well, I didn't do
it! I didn't do it!
450
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:06,642
I swear I was at
the movies that night
451
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:09,645
watching Godzilla Eats
the Menudo Monster.
452
00:21:09,669 --> 00:21:12,970
Mr. Sanford, this was
a human leg bone!
453
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,652
And it was over 5000 years old!
454
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:19,121
See, there. I told
you I was innocent.
455
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:22,458
I didn't get to
California until 1936.
456
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,293
Pop, would you let him finish?
457
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,362
Mr. Sanford, I
sold it this morning
458
00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,897
to a museum for $10,000.
459
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:32,901
It was an original
California caveman bone.
460
00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:35,871
That wasn't no
California caveman bone.
461
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:40,208
That was my bone. That was
my hole, my bone and my money.
462
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:42,444
Oh, no, sir. We
agreed it was mine.
463
00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,647
But you'll be happy to
know that I used the money
464
00:21:44,671 --> 00:21:47,070
to set a up a research
fund in both our names.
465
00:21:48,708 --> 00:21:50,986
I think that's great,
Professor Miller.
466
00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:52,276
Well, don't you, Pop?
467
00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:55,491
Look, I don't care
what you're thinking,
468
00:21:55,515 --> 00:21:57,326
there's nothing
you can do about it.
469
00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:58,460
Oh, no?
470
00:21:58,484 --> 00:21:59,528
Out of my way.
471
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:00,796
What are you doing?
472
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:01,830
Unless that caveman
473
00:22:01,854 --> 00:22:04,466
was a relative of Peg-Leg Bates,
474
00:22:04,490 --> 00:22:07,057
there's another leg
out there somewhere.
475
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:15,877
Hey, Pop?
476
00:22:15,901 --> 00:22:17,279
Over here, son. Come here.
477
00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:19,181
What are you doing
sitting here in the dark?
478
00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:20,916
Shhh.
479
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:23,285
What are you doing
sitting here in the dark?
480
00:22:23,309 --> 00:22:25,987
This is my new
hobby, tropical fish.
481
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,556
See, that's Louise
and that's Pete.
482
00:22:27,580 --> 00:22:29,358
And we gonna make us a fortune.
483
00:22:29,382 --> 00:22:30,793
By sitting in the
dark watching them?
484
00:22:30,817 --> 00:22:32,328
No, son.
485
00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:33,895
See, we're gonna mate them.
486
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:36,398
And then... See,
they're rare fish.
487
00:22:36,422 --> 00:22:38,033
$7.50 a piece.
488
00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:40,869
And soon as they have
babies, we'll sell them.
489
00:22:40,893 --> 00:22:42,037
Hey, you know, Pop,
490
00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:43,439
I think you really
got something here.
491
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,408
We just sit back and relax
and the fish do all the work.
492
00:22:46,432 --> 00:22:47,743
Yeah. Right.
493
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:50,145
Hey, you know how
fast fish multiply.
494
00:22:50,169 --> 00:22:51,680
We'll be rich in no time.
495
00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:53,749
Hey, Pop, can I
ask you something?
496
00:22:53,773 --> 00:22:56,017
Huh? Why are we whispering?
497
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:58,487
Because I want
everything to be just right.
498
00:22:58,511 --> 00:23:00,456
Hey, put that record
on, "Ebb Tide."
499
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,524
That drives them crazy.
500
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,593
And, you know, Pop,
this is a great idea.
501
00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:06,862
Yeah, and it's only
a matter of time, see,
502
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,930
because they've been
nuzzling all afternoon.
503
00:23:08,954 --> 00:23:10,366
Well, let me ask you something.
504
00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:12,934
How can you tell which is which?
505
00:23:12,958 --> 00:23:16,739
Well, see, the female is
the one with the headache.
506
00:23:16,763 --> 00:23:20,843
And... See, well,
look in this pamphlet
507
00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:23,044
and then you'll
find out about it.
508
00:23:23,068 --> 00:23:25,313
Okay, let me see here.
509
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:26,715
It says here that,
510
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:30,285
"The male of the species
is clearly identifiable
511
00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:34,512
by a thin red
stripe on the tail."
512
00:23:38,518 --> 00:23:39,495
Pop.
513
00:23:39,519 --> 00:23:40,496
Mmm?
514
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,498
I hate to be the
one to tell you this,
515
00:23:42,522 --> 00:23:45,255
but both of these fish are male.
516
00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:48,437
You mean...?
517
00:23:48,461 --> 00:23:50,539
Exactly.
518
00:23:50,563 --> 00:23:52,307
Well, don't put on "Ebb Tide."
519
00:23:52,331 --> 00:23:56,366
Put on "He's Funny That Way."
36587
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