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[GENTLE, DOLEFUL MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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[GLASS SHATTERS]
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- [WOMAN] Hey, Conan.
- [CONAN] Yeah.
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[WOMAN] It happened a year ago today.
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His name was Phil.
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Don't ask about Phil.
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All right, I won't ask about Phil.
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♪ ♪
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All right, our next guest is celebrating
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his 30th anniversary in
children's television.
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He's the star, the host,
the puppet master
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behind Mr. Pickles' Puppet Time on PBS.
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He raised your son, your
daughter, your stepdaughter
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from his couch in Columbus, Ohio.
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He has a new book out,
Talking to Children.
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It's doing extremely well.
19
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Please help me welcome Mr. Jeff Pickles.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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Mr. Pickles, uh, Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo, Mr. Pickles.
24
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- How are you?
- This is a great meeting
25
00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,690
of the minds here.
26
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- "P-Hound."
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
27
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Hmm. What does the P stand for?
28
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Uh, P like a lady's, uh...
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you know, like a part of,
30
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uh, her... it's, uh...
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- Is it her purse?
- Ah, purse!
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- Yeah, it's the purse.
- Ah.
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Purse. Uh, I just... right
away, I have to ask you.
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Have you ever watched my show before?
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- Oh, no.
- [LAUGHTER]
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No, but my wife... she watches
the show all the time.
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In fact, if you don't mind,
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I brought a very special guest...
39
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- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- ... with me.
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I brought this little fella to help me
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sing a song to my wife
42
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- that...
- [AUDIENCE] Aw!
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... is one of her old favorites.
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Okay, can you tell us who this guy is?
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Come on. Everyone knows Uke-Larry.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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[STRUMMING UKULELE GENTLY]
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♪ You can feel anything at all ♪
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♪ Anything at all ♪
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[ALL] ♪ You can feel it ♪
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♪ Happy, sad, big, or very small ♪
52
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♪ Anything at all, it's fine ♪
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♪ It's you who's doing the feeling ♪
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♪ And that makes it okay ♪
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♪ And if you don't
know who you are yet ♪
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♪ You can feel it ♪
57
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♪ Anyway ♪
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E maka'ala no ka ha'ule o ka nui.
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That means, "Watch out
for falling coconuts."
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[GENTLE UKULELE MUSIC CONTINUES]
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♪ ♪
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Could you help me?
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My keys are in my back pocket.
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[JEFF] ♪ You can feel it anyway ♪
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Whoa.
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♪ You can feel feelings you don't know ♪
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♪ Feelings gotta grow, like feet ♪
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♪ So feel it ♪
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♪ And you can ♪
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♪ Heal ♪
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♪ It ♪
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♪ Isn't growing up funny ♪
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♪ And sweet? ♪
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- _
- ♪ Isn't growing up ♪
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♪ Funny ♪
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♪ And sweet? ♪
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♪ ♪
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00:04:07,990 --> 00:04:10,910
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:12,950
[CHANNEL CHANGES, EXPLOSION ON TV]
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[GUNFIRE ON TV]
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[PHONE BEEPS]
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[MAN YELLS ON TV]
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- [LINE TRILLING]
- [SIGHS]
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- [JEFF] You've reached Jeff.
- [JILL] Jill.
85
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- [WILL] Will.
- [PHIL] And Phil.
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[ALL] We're the Pickles!
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[JEFF] Leave a message, Pickle pals.
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- [PHIL] Dad.
- [JILL GIGGLES]
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[SOFT PLAYFUL MUSIC]
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♪ ♪
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[SIGHS]
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♪ ♪
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00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,050
[SIGHS]
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♪ ♪
95
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Knock, knock.
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00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:16,610
Mom, I'm trying to sleep.
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Uh-huh. How was dinner tonight?
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00:05:18,950 --> 00:05:22,490
Delicious, nutritious... and amazing.
99
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:26,470
Did you throw your veggies
into the recycling bin?
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00:05:26,790 --> 00:05:30,920
Your daddy dug a lovin'
spoonful of time out of his day
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00:05:30,930 --> 00:05:32,930
to cook you a healthy meal.
102
00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:35,490
Then you dump it and you lie about it?
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You need to eat your greens. He ate his.
104
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,830
Don't you want to be big and
strong like your daddy?
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00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:40,950
Mm.
106
00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:45,820
I don't know, Maddy.
Is that what you want?
107
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Okay, no bath time.
108
00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:50,770
- And no showers.
- What?
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Till you eat your vegetables,
no more washing up.
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Fine. I hate baths. And showers.
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00:05:55,970 --> 00:05:58,370
Okay. Good night, sweetie.
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00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:03,160
- [HORN BLARES]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
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00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,070
I want to do a show about death.
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Something special.
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00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:09,230
I don't think we want to do a show
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- about passing on.
- No, not passing on. Death.
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I don't want to say my
son is off cloud surfing
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or Hula-hooping with a halo.
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00:06:18,370 --> 00:06:19,780
I want to say death.
120
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,840
Well, it's brave of
you, but I don't think
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you're ready to talk about this.
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I don't think I'm not ready
like you think I'm not ready.
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00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,450
I think we need to heal.
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00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:29,320
Who's "we"?
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00:06:29,410 --> 00:06:31,550
- What's that?
- [DEIRDRE] That is Roly Polly,
126
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the f-fearful pill bug.
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Looks like a baking accident.
128
00:06:35,950 --> 00:06:37,990
I think you're really on to something.
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You know...
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the longer we wait to deal with this
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in our special way, the
more we're telling
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every child in America
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that when something
catastrophic happens to them,
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00:06:48,570 --> 00:06:50,700
they should just pretend it didn't.
135
00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,160
Why does Snagglehorse
smell like buggery?
136
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,730
Anybody have an idea? Bert? Clay?
137
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:58,370
It's not sex. It's sweat.
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We live in these six hours a day.
139
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It's not a costume; it's a locker room
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00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:03,610
- shaped like a horse.
- Yeah.
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00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,910
My family is shriveling up
like a Polaroid in a puddle.
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00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:10,836
I need to pull it out
before it falls apart.
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00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:13,030
We need to talk about greeting cards.
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00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,730
That's important too, I guess.
145
00:07:15,740 --> 00:07:17,530
Hallmark would like us to help associate
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Father's Day with the color purple.
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00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,940
Halloween has orange. Hanukkah has blue.
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Have you got any thoughts?
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I was thinking royal purple.
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- Like purple neckties.
- [CLAY] Coming through.
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[CLAY] A little help!
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[LAUGHS]
153
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Do we need another show about colors?
154
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Kids know the sky is blue.
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They need to know what
to do when it's falling.
156
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I'm in the perfect position
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to talk to them about the
worst fear they have.
158
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That Mommy and Daddy
and everyone they love
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has an expiration date.
160
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,570
Well, they'll never drink milk again.
161
00:07:57,660 --> 00:07:59,830
When kids don't talk about
their dark feelings,
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they get quiet.
163
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,860
It's the quiet ones that make the news.
164
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:04,990
Oh.
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Derrell, I got this for you.
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Mm.
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"To Derrell.
168
00:08:10,610 --> 00:08:12,490
Be nice to sluts.
169
00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:14,320
Danny Trejo."
170
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,120
Thanks, Mr. P.
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I always feel like I'm
hitting you when I do that.
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You're not.
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[KNOCK AT DOOR]
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[JEFF] I know you're probably right.
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00:08:27,910 --> 00:08:29,850
It just feels like
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we were all in that car together.
177
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You and me and all of our friends.
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00:08:35,450 --> 00:08:37,450
Don't say friends when you mean viewers.
179
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,770
They've been pretty kind to us.
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00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,750
When people are kind to me,
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00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,820
I like to think of them as friends.
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You need to understand something.
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There's two of you.
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There's Mr. Pickles,
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the $112-million licensing industry
186
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,410
of edutaining toys, DVDs, and books
187
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that keep the lights on in
this little charity of ours.
188
00:08:59,780 --> 00:09:02,120
And then there's Jeff,
189
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,370
a separated husband and grieving father
190
00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:08,990
who needs to hammer out a
few dents in his psyche.
191
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And trust me, never the two
192
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:12,540
should meet in order to prevent
193
00:09:12,550 --> 00:09:14,530
the destruction of them both.
194
00:09:15,410 --> 00:09:16,990
I want you to heal.
195
00:09:17,990 --> 00:09:19,990
But Jeff needs to heal.
196
00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:23,200
Mr. Pickles is fine.
197
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:27,370
[QUIRKY MUSIC]
198
00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:31,660
♪ ♪
199
00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,320
Hello, Piglet.
200
00:09:33,410 --> 00:09:35,030
Hello.
201
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,200
Wiggle it and jiggle it,
funny little Piglet.
202
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:43,200
♪ ♪
203
00:09:55,950 --> 00:09:57,070
Ooh.
204
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,160
These are gonna go bad.
205
00:09:59,820 --> 00:10:04,990
♪ ♪
206
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,940
_
207
00:10:12,530 --> 00:10:13,910
[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]
208
00:10:14,820 --> 00:10:16,370
What are you doing here?
209
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,470
Phil's old team made
the Columbo Classic.
210
00:10:19,740 --> 00:10:21,440
Sometimes I sit in the stands,
211
00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:22,750
blow some wind in their sails.
212
00:10:22,770 --> 00:10:24,370
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig!
213
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:25,840
- You're out!
- Safe!
214
00:10:25,850 --> 00:10:28,570
Wanna join and get some hotcakes?
215
00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:29,910
That sounds sad.
216
00:10:29,990 --> 00:10:31,320
Does it?
217
00:10:31,330 --> 00:10:32,400
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
218
00:10:32,410 --> 00:10:34,430
Besides, I have my wine club at six,
219
00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,240
and it's more fun on an empty stomach.
220
00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:40,700
- Did Will do that?
- When I told him
221
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:42,450
to stop stealing my debit card.
222
00:10:42,530 --> 00:10:44,950
Maybe he needs someone
to hold his shoulders.
223
00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:46,410
Maybe he's saying, "Help me."
224
00:10:46,490 --> 00:10:48,260
I think he wrote "cunt"
and then he added
225
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,200
the word "buffalo" to quantify its size.
226
00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:54,390
Is that a... tattoo
227
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:56,910
on your breast?
228
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,020
It's a small one.
229
00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,270
Does it hurt?
230
00:10:59,820 --> 00:11:01,296
They're really good at
getting those off now.
231
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,730
It's three weeks old.
232
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,280
Drinking wine before dinner.
233
00:11:05,370 --> 00:11:07,410
What's next, Pall Malls?
234
00:11:07,490 --> 00:11:09,530
Batteries dangling from
the smoke detector
235
00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:11,400
so you can puff your Pall Malls?
236
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,430
You can't keep pushing it down.
237
00:11:13,450 --> 00:11:15,350
Hmm, maybe I should
do something healthy,
238
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:18,210
like get a tattoo or...
239
00:11:18,780 --> 00:11:21,370
pierce my labia.
240
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:22,420
One of these days,
241
00:11:22,430 --> 00:11:25,090
it's just gonna rush up to the surface.
242
00:11:28,490 --> 00:11:30,090
Would it help if I moved back in?
243
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,530
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Would it help with what?
244
00:11:32,610 --> 00:11:34,160
[DOOR CLOSES]
245
00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,050
Will? Is that you?
246
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:38,410
Do you know where my winter clothes are?
247
00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:41,950
For what purpose do you
need your winter clothes?
248
00:11:42,030 --> 00:11:43,870
There's a clothing drive at church.
249
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:46,100
I want to collect the ones
that don't fit me as well
250
00:11:46,110 --> 00:11:47,790
and donate them to the indigent.
251
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,320
- That's hopeful.
- Yes.
252
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:53,370
They're in a box in the
garage above the bicycles
253
00:11:53,390 --> 00:11:55,070
below the inflatable nativity.
254
00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:03,550
Hey, you didn't suck
on Conan last night.
255
00:12:04,570 --> 00:12:06,650
- You were on Conan?
- Yeah.
256
00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:08,780
I love Conan. You didn't tell me.
257
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:09,990
I left you a message.
258
00:12:10,070 --> 00:12:11,910
We don't check those anymore.
259
00:12:11,990 --> 00:12:14,660
[TWINKLY MUSIC]
260
00:12:14,740 --> 00:12:15,910
[DOG BARKS]
261
00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:17,610
Oh, the dog needs to go out.
262
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,410
No, no, you don't have to. I...
263
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,490
- I can do it.
- I got it!
264
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:23,410
Hey!
265
00:12:23,490 --> 00:12:25,530
You miss me? Yeah.
266
00:12:25,610 --> 00:12:26,860
Course you do.
267
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:30,370
♪ ♪
268
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:35,450
[BEES BUZZING]
269
00:12:35,530 --> 00:12:40,410
♪ ♪
270
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,530
Will?
271
00:12:43,610 --> 00:12:45,660
Yes, Dad?
272
00:12:45,740 --> 00:12:47,650
What do you have in the bag?
273
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,910
Uh... bees.
274
00:12:50,990 --> 00:12:53,230
Were you gonna put bees
in your mom's trunk?
275
00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,410
Uh...
276
00:12:59,030 --> 00:13:00,820
Do you know what stewardship is, Will?
277
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,230
Do you always have to talk to people
278
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,030
like they're four years old?
279
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:08,570
It means you take care
of things, people.
280
00:13:08,740 --> 00:13:11,530
Not because you should
but because you can.
281
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,910
[DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]
282
00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:19,820
See?
283
00:13:19,910 --> 00:13:22,280
Now Piglet won't stain the lawn.
284
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,610
Good boy, Piglet.
285
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,910
No one even lives here.
286
00:13:27,530 --> 00:13:29,610
You do it because it's right.
287
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,010
Uh-huh.
288
00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:33,390
You want to try it?
It'll make you happy.
289
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,370
[JOANNE] Hey there, Mr. Pickles.
290
00:13:35,450 --> 00:13:37,740
See? It even has famous neighbors.
291
00:13:37,820 --> 00:13:39,280
Hi, Joanne.
292
00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:41,200
Isn't this a nice neighborhood
293
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,750
to raise a family, Mr. Pickles?
294
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:45,740
Oh, it's a super-duper
neighborhood for that.
295
00:13:46,470 --> 00:13:47,490
Oh!
296
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,490
Thank you.
297
00:13:49,570 --> 00:13:50,910
And what's your name?
298
00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:52,930
Wait, let me guess.
299
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,530
Does it start with "Princess"?
300
00:13:55,610 --> 00:13:56,920
These houses were built
301
00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,930
on an old zoo that burned down.
302
00:14:00,370 --> 00:14:03,280
The fire was started by a
bunch of the crazy animals
303
00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:04,950
who wanted to escape.
304
00:14:05,030 --> 00:14:07,740
They went wild, committed
a bunch of crimes,
305
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:10,570
murders, robberies.
306
00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:12,660
But the worst crime of all was,
307
00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:14,550
they forgot to unlock the cage,
308
00:14:14,570 --> 00:14:16,620
and at night, you can always
309
00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:18,270
hear the penguins screaming.
310
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,320
[JOANNE] Okay, well, thanks, guys.
311
00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,360
Hey, why don't we cruise around back?
312
00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:24,990
There's a swing set back
there you kids would love.
313
00:14:25,070 --> 00:14:28,490
[GIRL] What about the burnt penguins?
314
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:32,560
What?
315
00:14:32,570 --> 00:14:33,680
Do you think I should get an apartment
316
00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:34,990
closer to the house?
317
00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:36,170
Mm, no.
318
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,820
Look.
319
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:39,410
Your mom and I...
320
00:14:41,210 --> 00:14:42,790
She doesn't want me living in the house
321
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,530
while she's processing her emotions,
322
00:14:44,610 --> 00:14:48,120
and, uh... I-I respect that.
323
00:14:48,130 --> 00:14:50,120
She did not leave you because Phil died.
324
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,780
She left you because you're a pussy.
325
00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:52,860
Please don't use a bad word
326
00:14:52,870 --> 00:14:54,050
when you can use a good word.
327
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,160
Fine. You're a vagina.
328
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:58,660
Ah, the P.
329
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:02,160
[SIGHS] I just got the P in P-Hound.
330
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,530
It means pussy...
331
00:15:04,610 --> 00:15:05,950
pussy.
332
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,160
I think you're...
333
00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:13,170
mistaking kindness for weakness, Will.
334
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,660
I'm gonna go the other way now.
335
00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,096
I want you to donate those clothes
336
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,280
like you said you would.
337
00:15:18,370 --> 00:15:19,700
And I want you to come to dinner
338
00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:22,230
with your auntie and your
grandpa at my place.
339
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:24,410
I don't want you to
forget you have a family.
340
00:15:24,490 --> 00:15:26,910
Oh, and don't try to teach me things,
341
00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:30,660
and, like, don't ever stare
at me like that again.
342
00:15:30,740 --> 00:15:32,200
I'm not that word.
343
00:15:33,910 --> 00:15:35,050
I'm not the P word.
344
00:15:35,070 --> 00:15:36,610
And change your outfit.
345
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,070
You look like Rosa Parks' bus driver.
346
00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:41,930
Okay.
347
00:15:42,490 --> 00:15:44,030
I'll see you at dinner.
348
00:15:44,150 --> 00:15:45,290
Will!
349
00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:48,230
That was an excellent
historical reference.
350
00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:51,860
[ECCENTRIC MUSIC]
351
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:56,070
♪ ♪
352
00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:04,700
♪ ♪
353
00:16:10,410 --> 00:16:13,280
[GRANDIOSE MUSIC]
354
00:16:13,370 --> 00:16:15,660
♪ ♪
355
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:16,920
[JEFF ON TV] I'd like to point out
356
00:16:16,930 --> 00:16:18,860
to the committee that sometimes...
357
00:16:18,950 --> 00:16:21,090
Mom, Dad's on TV again.
358
00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,030
Well, that's sort of his job, Will.
359
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,300
- Idiot.
- Shut up, Phil.
360
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:26,510
Make me.
361
00:16:28,610 --> 00:16:29,860
[WILL] Stop it, Phil!
362
00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:31,370
Stop it!
363
00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:33,240
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
364
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:35,740
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
365
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:39,370
♪ Who are you? What
have you sacrificed? ♪
366
00:16:39,450 --> 00:16:40,590
♪ Jesus Christ... ♪
367
00:16:40,630 --> 00:16:43,210
[WILL] Stop it. I'm trying
to watch Dad on the news.
368
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:46,370
Well, your father is an impressive man.
369
00:16:46,450 --> 00:16:47,740
She means boring.
370
00:16:47,820 --> 00:16:49,610
♪ Jesus Christ ♪
371
00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:50,950
- ♪ Superstar ♪
- Hey, quit it.
372
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,540
Phil, whatever you're
doing, stop it, please.
373
00:16:52,550 --> 00:16:55,320
- [HORN BLARES]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]
374
00:16:55,410 --> 00:17:00,100
[HORN CONTINUES BLARING]
375
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:04,710
[BLARING CONTINUES]
376
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,320
[MAN] Go, asshole!
377
00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:11,710
Hey.
378
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:13,280
You're on my brother's grave.
379
00:17:13,370 --> 00:17:14,910
Oh. Yikes.
380
00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:18,280
Can you smoke somewhere else?
381
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:21,910
I guess, but...
382
00:17:21,990 --> 00:17:24,370
I've been geeking out
here since I was 12, man.
383
00:17:24,450 --> 00:17:27,120
This is especially hallowed ground.
384
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,910
Can you move away from that headstone?
385
00:17:28,990 --> 00:17:30,950
I can't really move anywhere right now.
386
00:17:31,570 --> 00:17:32,990
What are you gonna do with that?
387
00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:34,860
[GIGGLES] Bring him back to life?
388
00:17:34,950 --> 00:17:38,120
It was his. He wanted to be a magician.
389
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,410
- We both did.
- Why?
390
00:17:40,490 --> 00:17:42,650
There's a lot of cool things you can do
391
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:44,090
when you have an identical twin.
392
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,970
It's pretty neat, actually.
393
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,990
[BONG DUDE] Can I see that?
394
00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,370
Psh!
395
00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:04,030
- Psh!
- What are you doing?
396
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,030
Trying to make the lamps explode, but...
397
00:18:06,530 --> 00:18:09,410
- I think it's broken.
- Okay, get the fuck off now.
398
00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:12,950
Dude, chill. Can't we
all just get along?
399
00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:14,590
For the sake of, like,
400
00:18:14,690 --> 00:18:16,740
the world and its greater evils?
401
00:18:21,530 --> 00:18:23,200
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
402
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,810
[SOFT MUSIC]
403
00:18:25,990 --> 00:18:31,160
♪ ♪
404
00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:46,240
[GASPS]
405
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,430
Well, hello there, Soap Scum.
406
00:18:48,550 --> 00:18:50,410
Oh, be careful.
407
00:18:50,490 --> 00:18:52,380
I don't want you to stain my
408
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:54,270
sweet new purple threads.
409
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,240
Purple's a girl's color, Mr. Pickles.
410
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,570
Soap Scum.
411
00:18:58,650 --> 00:18:59,950
Purple is the...
412
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:03,240
... color of kings.
413
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,370
But you're not a king, Mr. Pickles.
414
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,410
No, but I'm a daddy,
415
00:19:08,490 --> 00:19:11,410
and a daddy is like the
king of the household.
416
00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:13,280
And mommy is like the queen.
417
00:19:13,370 --> 00:19:14,690
Boop.
418
00:19:14,990 --> 00:19:17,000
[BELL RINGS]
419
00:19:17,010 --> 00:19:18,370
[SNIFFING]
420
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,700
What? I had a soccer game.
421
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,070
What's going on with Maddy?
422
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,650
Oh, she wouldn't eat her broccoli,
423
00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:28,370
so I gave her BO.
424
00:19:28,450 --> 00:19:31,240
Early puberty's kicking her A. [LAUGHS]
425
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,030
How did you give her body odor?
426
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,070
By starving her of basic hygiene.
427
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,160
Did you read that in a book somewhere?
428
00:19:39,170 --> 00:19:41,370
- Absolutely not.
- Oh.
429
00:19:41,450 --> 00:19:43,200
Will is turning into Phil.
430
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,670
Fucking kids. Sorry. Friggin'.
431
00:19:45,790 --> 00:19:47,530
[DYNAMIC MUSIC]
432
00:19:47,610 --> 00:19:48,910
You think I'm a pussy?
433
00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:50,410
Hmm?
434
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:54,530
♪ ♪
435
00:19:54,550 --> 00:19:57,000
Snagglehorse smells like
he's been ridden hard
436
00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:59,120
- and put away wet.
- We're not having sex
437
00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:00,700
- in the horse.
- We've only been in it
438
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:01,950
for five minutes.
439
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,450
That's my daughter.
440
00:20:03,530 --> 00:20:04,610
You're smelling her.
441
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,710
[SNIFFS] I'm not going to ask.
442
00:20:06,990 --> 00:20:08,410
I hate you.
443
00:20:09,930 --> 00:20:12,660
I need to show my family I'm
feeling what they're feeling.
444
00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:14,590
An acknowledgement.
445
00:20:14,670 --> 00:20:17,030
We're swimming with
stones in our pockets.
446
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:18,590
We need to take them out,
or we'll never get back
447
00:20:18,610 --> 00:20:20,190
to the surface again.
448
00:20:21,610 --> 00:20:22,870
Is this all about Jill?
449
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:25,120
She tattooed Phil's name
on her left breast.
450
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,860
Every woman deserves to feel sexy.
451
00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:31,110
Two months after the accident,
452
00:20:31,210 --> 00:20:32,860
I left a conversation
453
00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:34,440
about whether or not we should
454
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,440
even celebrate Christmas
455
00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:39,370
to go on TV, light the national tree,
456
00:20:39,450 --> 00:20:41,810
and wish America yule tidings.
457
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:45,320
- How does that make her feel?
- Like you're a man.
458
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,140
And if she's holding
that over your head,
459
00:20:47,150 --> 00:20:49,150
it's her problem.
460
00:20:49,450 --> 00:20:52,700
Real women don't want
to see your cry face.
461
00:20:52,780 --> 00:20:55,670
They want concrete arms and a warm touch
462
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,670
when apropos.
463
00:20:58,070 --> 00:20:59,820
You do a show about death,
464
00:20:59,850 --> 00:21:02,240
children will run from
the room in tears.
465
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,410
[GROANS SOFTLY]
466
00:21:04,570 --> 00:21:06,130
Bring in a live audience.
467
00:21:06,570 --> 00:21:07,990
Do it now.
468
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,910
It's a bad idea. You'll
traumatize the kids.
469
00:21:13,610 --> 00:21:15,290
Are you gonna hit me?
470
00:21:15,610 --> 00:21:16,740
Hit you?
471
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:19,410
No.
472
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,810
Why would I want to hit you?
473
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,780
Jeff...
474
00:21:23,860 --> 00:21:26,060
sometimes when we think
we're opening up,
475
00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:27,510
we're actually falling apart.
476
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:29,530
Will you please marinate on that?
477
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,290
That truck blew through
the light for a reason.
478
00:21:36,450 --> 00:21:38,820
For some greater good.
479
00:21:40,660 --> 00:21:43,430
And if that isn't true,
then we can make it so.
480
00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:45,370
We can make it mean something.
481
00:21:45,450 --> 00:21:47,070
And what good is our power
482
00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,450
in the face of a senseless,
random happening?
483
00:21:50,470 --> 00:21:53,130
If we shoot it today,
we can air it tomorrow.
484
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:57,770
All right.
485
00:21:58,200 --> 00:21:59,950
We'll air it tomorrow.
486
00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:03,150
[SOMBER MUSIC]
487
00:22:03,180 --> 00:22:04,780
- _
- [JEFF] Have you ever had to move?
488
00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:07,490
That can be a difficult time, can't it?
489
00:22:07,570 --> 00:22:09,120
It's hard when things change.
490
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:10,610
[FLY BUZZING]
491
00:22:10,650 --> 00:22:13,710
Leaving behind your old
room, your old friends
492
00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:15,340
for a whole new school
493
00:22:15,350 --> 00:22:17,490
or even a whole new town.
494
00:22:17,890 --> 00:22:19,440
Sometimes when you move,
495
00:22:19,450 --> 00:22:21,230
you might pack a donate box,
496
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,030
and you put all your toys
that you don't use anymore
497
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,480
right in there and give them to children
498
00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:28,660
who will really use them.
499
00:22:28,740 --> 00:22:31,370
But what if, when you
get to your new home...
500
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,320
... you discover that your
favorite stuffed animal
501
00:22:35,330 --> 00:22:36,870
is missing?
502
00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:40,160
Someone put your stuffy
in the box by accident.
503
00:22:42,490 --> 00:22:44,150
How would you feel?
504
00:22:44,610 --> 00:22:48,170
Would you feel sad that you
never got to say good-bye?
505
00:22:48,570 --> 00:22:50,670
Or would you feel okay
506
00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,550
because you know he's in a new home,
507
00:22:52,990 --> 00:22:54,450
a faraway home,
508
00:22:54,530 --> 00:22:57,270
laughing and playing
509
00:22:57,570 --> 00:23:00,130
and making other children happy?
510
00:23:02,350 --> 00:23:05,190
I had a son named Phil.
511
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,610
He was once your age.
512
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:11,810
He died.
513
00:23:12,030 --> 00:23:13,860
So...
514
00:23:13,950 --> 00:23:16,120
we put him in a box,
515
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:17,890
and we buried him.
516
00:23:25,730 --> 00:23:27,930
♪ What does it mean to lose a thing ♪
517
00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:29,910
♪ You really want to stay? ♪
518
00:23:29,990 --> 00:23:31,640
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ What if they sent ♪
519
00:23:31,650 --> 00:23:35,240
♪ Your favorite socks a
million blocks away? ♪
520
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:39,110
♪ If you knew they were
warming someone else's feet ♪
521
00:23:39,860 --> 00:23:41,370
- ♪ Hooray ♪
- ♪ Hooray ♪
522
00:23:41,450 --> 00:23:42,610
♪ Hooray ♪
523
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,280
♪ Nothing you really love ♪
524
00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:47,240
♪ Can ever ♪
525
00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:51,610
♪ Go away ♪
526
00:23:51,700 --> 00:23:53,950
- [MAN] There you go, Nate!
- [BOY] Come on! Come on!
527
00:23:54,370 --> 00:23:55,510
[WOMAN] Great job, buddy!
528
00:23:55,740 --> 00:23:57,410
[WOMAN] Little pin, little pin.
529
00:23:57,490 --> 00:24:00,370
♪ ♪
530
00:24:00,450 --> 00:24:01,780
[CHUCKLES]
531
00:24:01,860 --> 00:24:04,320
You wear the world's tiniest socks.
532
00:24:04,350 --> 00:24:06,120
[LAUGHS]
533
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,070
I'm serious.
534
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,070
One day, the cat's gonna choke on those.
535
00:24:11,130 --> 00:24:13,120
We need to get you some new feet.
536
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:14,950
- [BOTH HUM]
- [WATER RUNNING]
537
00:24:15,030 --> 00:24:17,360
Oh, no. Leave it, Dee Dee.
538
00:24:17,370 --> 00:24:18,530
No. No, no, no.
539
00:24:18,930 --> 00:24:20,490
No, she has to learn.
540
00:24:25,410 --> 00:24:28,610
Aha, I told you. No
veggies, no bath time.
541
00:24:33,030 --> 00:24:35,570
Open up. Two bites. Num-num.
542
00:24:35,590 --> 00:24:37,150
No, Mom, no.
543
00:24:37,210 --> 00:24:39,160
Maddy, open up before
I shove it in there.
544
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,510
Open up. Open up.
545
00:24:41,990 --> 00:24:43,910
Here comes the carrot train.
546
00:24:44,660 --> 00:24:46,120
Bus.
547
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,910
Choo-choo.
548
00:24:47,990 --> 00:24:49,470
Honk, honk.
549
00:24:50,370 --> 00:24:51,770
Mm-mm.
550
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,950
- Why not?
- It's dirty.
551
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,210
- It fell on the floor.
- No, it didn't.
552
00:24:56,310 --> 00:24:57,450
When?
553
00:24:58,190 --> 00:25:00,650
- Here you go. Grab the bottom.
- Thanks, Daddy.
554
00:25:00,690 --> 00:25:02,690
- You're welcome.
- Hey.
555
00:25:03,410 --> 00:25:04,860
I saw you guys drive up.
556
00:25:04,950 --> 00:25:06,136
You think Deirdre would want some?
557
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:07,780
I had an uber-bloom.
558
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:10,890
I'll be right there, crazy face.
559
00:25:10,930 --> 00:25:12,910
- Okay.
- Oh, Maddy.
560
00:25:12,990 --> 00:25:15,030
Don't step on a crack.
You'll break someone's back.
561
00:25:15,490 --> 00:25:16,780
Or something.
562
00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:18,990
Mm, okay.
563
00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:23,200
[SCOTT] What are you doing?
564
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,280
Oh, my God, they smell great.
565
00:25:25,370 --> 00:25:28,280
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
566
00:25:28,370 --> 00:25:31,070
♪ ♪
567
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,510
[SIGHS] Oh, my God.
568
00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:35,570
[MOANS SOFTLY]
569
00:25:47,490 --> 00:25:49,130
Oh, okay.
570
00:25:49,770 --> 00:25:51,160
Okay.
571
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,160
Don't forget to wash your hair.
572
00:25:57,530 --> 00:26:00,660
[WATER RUNNING]
573
00:26:08,570 --> 00:26:11,530
[SOFT MUSIC]
574
00:26:11,610 --> 00:26:16,530
♪ ♪
575
00:26:16,610 --> 00:26:18,830
See? Was that so hard?
576
00:26:20,860 --> 00:26:23,370
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
577
00:26:23,450 --> 00:26:28,370
♪ ♪
578
00:26:28,450 --> 00:26:29,770
Dad?
579
00:26:30,370 --> 00:26:31,770
Can you say grace?
580
00:26:31,910 --> 00:26:36,790
♪ ♪
581
00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:40,410
[DEIRDRE] Hold hands. Once as a family.
582
00:26:40,490 --> 00:26:42,270
[ALL] Grace.
583
00:26:42,670 --> 00:26:45,200
Did you pre-butter this broccoli?
584
00:26:45,210 --> 00:26:47,610
Why do you get to decide
how much butter I want?
585
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,950
Good girl. Eat your broccoli, Maddy.
586
00:26:51,030 --> 00:26:52,820
[JEFF] How'd you do that, sis?
587
00:26:52,910 --> 00:26:54,670
- [DEIRDRE] What?
- Get her to listen.
588
00:26:55,290 --> 00:26:57,780
Everything I say to Will becomes, like,
589
00:26:57,860 --> 00:26:59,370
ammunition for a sigh.
590
00:26:59,450 --> 00:27:01,370
Maddy, slow down. Digest.
591
00:27:01,390 --> 00:27:02,810
[DEIRDRE] It's easy.
592
00:27:02,890 --> 00:27:05,130
I just think of everything
we do on the show,
593
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:07,290
and I come home
594
00:27:07,310 --> 00:27:09,530
and I do the exact opposite.
595
00:27:10,450 --> 00:27:12,240
Whatever works, I guess.
596
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:13,850
Where's William?
597
00:27:14,030 --> 00:27:15,910
You promised me a William.
598
00:27:17,700 --> 00:27:20,610
[BEES BUZZING]
599
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:25,780
♪ ♪
600
00:27:38,660 --> 00:27:40,950
Happy anniversary.
601
00:27:41,030 --> 00:27:46,200
♪ ♪
602
00:27:56,530 --> 00:28:00,570
[CLAY] Well, at last, we've
reached our destination.
603
00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:03,270
[JEFF] Snagglehorse and I
like to take long trots
604
00:28:03,290 --> 00:28:04,990
through Confetti Canyon.
605
00:28:05,070 --> 00:28:06,660
Why don't you come too, Pickle pals?
606
00:28:06,740 --> 00:28:08,320
And while we're walking,
607
00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:10,570
let's see if we can remember our colors.
608
00:28:11,740 --> 00:28:13,250
Red.
609
00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:15,390
[SHIMMERING MUSIC]
610
00:28:15,830 --> 00:28:19,490
Red is for the roses we
give to those we love.
611
00:28:19,570 --> 00:28:21,130
Purple.
612
00:28:21,390 --> 00:28:25,160
Purple is for the tie your
father wears to work.
613
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,690
Brown.
614
00:28:26,870 --> 00:28:30,070
Brown is for the hair
on Snagglehorse's hide.
615
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:32,050
[CLAY] Fuck me like you hate me.
616
00:28:32,070 --> 00:28:33,810
[MOANS]
617
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,100
[JEFF] Yellow is for the bumblebee
618
00:28:36,110 --> 00:28:37,910
going buzz, buzz, buzz.
619
00:28:37,990 --> 00:28:40,300
- [BEES BUZZING]
- [BONG DUDE] Oh, fuck.
620
00:28:40,330 --> 00:28:42,370
This dude Eric got
stung once on his nut,
621
00:28:42,450 --> 00:28:43,920
and it swelled up, and we had to put
622
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:45,080
a special sock around it.
623
00:28:45,090 --> 00:28:46,910
[GROANING]
624
00:28:46,990 --> 00:28:49,660
Oh, my God! Will, come on!
625
00:28:51,030 --> 00:28:52,770
And green?
626
00:28:54,530 --> 00:28:56,200
That's an easy one.
627
00:28:56,280 --> 00:28:59,200
Green means "go, go, go."
628
00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:03,370
Of course we couldn't air it, Jeff.
629
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:06,190
The show can't change. You can't change.
630
00:29:06,530 --> 00:29:07,960
That's why you're still around.
631
00:29:07,990 --> 00:29:10,190
That's why people still leave you alone
632
00:29:10,210 --> 00:29:11,700
with their kids.
633
00:29:11,780 --> 00:29:13,690
The tie, the shirt, the haircut.
634
00:29:13,950 --> 00:29:15,550
You're a minted image.
635
00:29:15,590 --> 00:29:17,850
You're a trusted brand.
636
00:29:18,370 --> 00:29:20,950
You don't put the pope in a Speedo,
637
00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:24,130
and you don't take the
cream out of the Oreo.
638
00:29:24,410 --> 00:29:26,790
You change one little thing,
and you're going to force
639
00:29:26,820 --> 00:29:28,490
a conversation with the audience
640
00:29:28,570 --> 00:29:30,280
they don't want to have.
641
00:29:30,370 --> 00:29:31,966
- [SHAVER BUZZING]
- This isn't an episode
642
00:29:31,990 --> 00:29:33,990
about burying a hamster.
643
00:29:34,070 --> 00:29:36,490
This thing happened to you, not to them.
644
00:29:36,570 --> 00:29:38,490
We're in a fickle business
645
00:29:38,500 --> 00:29:41,240
ruled by an unwritten
contract with the audience.
646
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,990
You are not a real person.
647
00:29:43,070 --> 00:29:45,070
You're a man in a box.
648
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,990
You're a block of wood,
and you like it that way.
649
00:29:48,070 --> 00:29:50,990
[SOMBER MUSIC]
650
00:29:51,070 --> 00:29:52,530
♪ ♪
651
00:29:52,610 --> 00:29:54,280
Oops.
652
00:29:54,370 --> 00:29:56,160
[SEB] Otherwise, you're the about-to-be
653
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,570
divorced father of a broken family,
654
00:29:58,610 --> 00:30:00,740
and nobody wants that guy
in their living room.
655
00:30:00,820 --> 00:30:02,450
Would you?
656
00:30:02,530 --> 00:30:04,700
[JOANNE] You already know
the schools are excellent.
657
00:30:04,780 --> 00:30:09,610
♪ ♪
658
00:30:16,990 --> 00:30:19,000
- [BEES BUZZING]
- Oh! Ah!
659
00:30:19,010 --> 00:30:21,330
- [WILL] Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
- [BONG DUDE] Get the stupid bees off!
660
00:30:21,350 --> 00:30:22,740
[CASSIDY] I hate bees!
661
00:30:22,820 --> 00:30:27,740
♪ ♪
662
00:30:27,820 --> 00:30:31,610
[BEES BUZZING]
663
00:30:31,700 --> 00:30:33,450
[JOANNE] So what do you think?
664
00:30:35,190 --> 00:30:36,550
It's perfect.
665
00:30:36,670 --> 00:30:38,270
I'll take it.
666
00:30:38,430 --> 00:30:40,390
I'll go get the paperwork started.
667
00:30:40,450 --> 00:30:45,210
♪ ♪
668
00:30:46,830 --> 00:30:50,410
[JILL LAUGHS]
669
00:30:52,990 --> 00:30:56,160
[JILL LAUGHING]
670
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,050
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --
671
00:31:01,060 --> 00:31:02,910
[CHILDREN] ♪ You can feel ♪
672
00:31:02,990 --> 00:31:04,990
♪ Anything at all ♪
673
00:31:05,070 --> 00:31:07,190
♪ Anything at all ♪
674
00:31:07,270 --> 00:31:09,660
♪ You can feel it ♪
675
00:31:09,740 --> 00:31:13,490
♪ Happy, sad, big, or very small ♪
676
00:31:13,590 --> 00:31:17,030
♪ Anything at all, it's fine ♪
677
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,860
♪ It's you who's doing the feeling ♪
678
00:31:20,950 --> 00:31:24,300
♪ And that makes it okay ♪
679
00:31:24,310 --> 00:31:29,450
♪ And if you don't
know who you are yet ♪
680
00:31:29,530 --> 00:31:31,570
♪ You can feel ♪
681
00:31:31,660 --> 00:31:35,570
♪ Anyway ♪
682
00:31:35,660 --> 00:31:39,450
♪ You can feel feelings you don't know ♪
683
00:31:39,530 --> 00:31:43,660
♪ Feelings gotta grow, like feet ♪
684
00:31:43,740 --> 00:31:47,050
♪ So feel it ♪
685
00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:49,470
♪ And you can heal it ♪
46304
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