All language subtitles for Animal.Crackers.1930.RESTORED.UNCENSORED.BDRip.x264-FRAGMENT

You must do your best tonight
Be on your toes, men

There's another guest tonight
It's one of those men

Who are being feted
by the smart set.

We'll see that he gets
what he deserves

Treat him as they do
a king in manner royal

Like a subject to a king
you must be loyal

On this object you must
have your heart set

We'll do nothing
to get on his nerves

Again I mention
Be on your toes, men

He craves attention
He's one of those men

Yes, sir, we will give him
just what he deserves

Oh, Hives? Oh, yes, Mrs.
Rittenhouse?

I'd like to make a few changes
in the assignment of the rooms.

Very good, madam.

Suppose you put Mr.
Chandler in the blue suite.

And Captain Spaulding,
as guest of honor,

will have the green duplex
with the two baths.

Two, madam?

Why, yes.

I think the Captain would
like two baths, don't you?

Well, if he's just returned from
Africa, he may need two baths.

Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
well!

Mr. Chandler.

So nice
to see you.

The famous Beaugard,
as I have promised.

Mr. Chandler, how can I
ever express my gratitude?

Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing?

You return from Europe with a
masterpiece valued at $100,000,

and instead of
displaying it yourself,

you allow me to unveil it at my party
in honor of Captain Spaulding.

You call
that nothing?

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
I...

Uh, will you please
remove that to the place

where it is
to be exhibited?

Very good, sir. And uh,
very careful, please.

Mrs. Rittenhouse, you
think that is something?

It is nothing compared to what
I would like to do for you.

You are a very
beautiful woman.

No, no,
Mr. Chandler.

Well, maybe I'm wrong.

What?

Please, do not go,
Mrs. Rittenhouse,

I love you.
I know, but...

Do not take away your hand.
I tell you, I love you.

Careful...
Hello, Mother.

Playing house?

Well, uh,
if you'll pardon me.

Have you seen
Johnny Parker?

I wish you'd get Johnny
Parker out of your mind

and show more respect
to Mr. Chandler.

The trouble with you is you don't
take these social affairs seriously.

What would you
suggest, Mom? Suicide?

I would suggest...

Mrs. Rittenhouse, Captain
Spaulding has arrived!

Splendid.
Oh, I'm so glad.

My friends, Captain
Spaulding has arrived.

At last we are to meet him
The famous Captain Spaulding

From climates hot and scalding
The Captain has arrived

Most heartily we'll greet him
with plain and fancy cheering

Until he's hard of hearing
The Captain has arrived

At last the Captain

Has arrived

Mr. Horatio W. Jamison,

field secretary
to Captain Spaulding.

I represent the Captain who
insists on my informing you

Of these conditions under
which he camps here

In one thing he is very strict he
wants his women young and thin

And as for men, he won't
have any tramps here

And as for men, he won't
have any tramps here

There must be no tramps

The men must all be very old the
women warm, the champagne cold

It's under these conditions
that he camps here

I'm announcing
Captain Geoffrey Spaulding

He's announcing
Captain Geoffrey Spaulding

Oh, dear, he is coming

At last he's here

Well, what
do I owe you?

What? From Africa to here, $1.85?
That's an outrage.

I told you not to take me through
Australia. You know it's all ripped up.

You should have come right
up Lincoln Boulevard.

Where do you come
to that stuff?

Turn around the rear end, I
wanna see your license plates.

I don't think, you're on the square.
Oh, Captain Spaulding.

I'll attend to you later.
Oh, Captain Spaulding.

Why you're one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen.

That's not saying much for you.
Captain Spaulding,

Rittenhouse Manor is
entirely at your disposal.

Well, I'm certainly grateful for this
magnificent washout. Uh, "turnout," and uh,

now I'd like
to say a few words.

Hello
I must be going

I cannot stay, I came
to say I must be going

I'm glad I came, but just the
same I must be going... La la

For my sake
you must stay

If you should go away you'd
spoil this party I am throwing

I'll stay a week or two

I'll stay
the summer through

But I am telling you

I must be going.

Before you go
will you oblige us

And tell us of
your deeds so glowing

I'll do anything you say
In fact, I'll even stay

Good

But I must be going

There's something
that I'd like to say

That he's too modest
to relate

The Captain is a moral man
Sometimes he finds it trying

This fact I'll emphasize
with stress

I never take a drink unless

Somebody's buying

The Captain
is a very moral man

If he hears anything obscene
he'll naturally repel it

I hate a dirty joke
I do

Unless it's told by someone
who knows how to tell it

The Captain
is a very moral man

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

Did someone
call me Schnorer

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He went into the jungles where
all the monkeys throw nuts

If I stay here
I'll go nuts

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance

And risked his life
for science

Hey, hey

He is the only white man
who covered every acre

I think I'll try and make her

Hooray, hooray, hooray

He put all his reliance
in courage and defiance

And risked his life
for science

Hey, hey

Hooray for Captain
Spaulding the African explorer

He brought his name
undying fame

And that is why we say
hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly gratified at
this magnificent display of effusion.

And I want you to know...

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

He brought his name undying
fame And that is why we say

Hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly gratified at
this magnificent display of effusion.

And I want you to know...

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

He brought his name undying
fame And that is why we say

Hooray, hooray, hooray

My friends, I'm highly gratified at
this magnificent display of effusion.

I want you to know...

Hooray for Captain Spaulding
the African explorer

Well, somebody's got to do it!
Captain Spaulding?

It is indeed a great honor to
welcome you to my poor home.

Oh, it isn't so bad.
Needless to say...

Wait a minute, I think you're right.
It is pretty bad.

As a matter of fact, it's one of the
frowsiest looking joints I've ever seen.

Why, Captain... Where did
you get your wallpaper?

You're letting this place run
down, and what's the result?

You're not getting the class
of people that you used to.

Why, you've got people
here that look like you!

Now, I'll tell you what to do. We'll put up a
sign outside, "Place under new management."

We'll set up a 75-cent meal
that will knock their eyes out.

After we knock their eyes out, we
can charge them anything we want.

Now sign here and give me
your check for $1,500.

I want to
tell you, madam,

with this
insurance policy,

you've provided for your little
ones and for your old age...

Which will be here in
a couple of weeks now,

if I'm any judge
of horseflesh.

And now, madam, "I feel that the
time has come," the walrus...

Captain Spaulding!
Captain Spaulding!

You stand before me as one of
the bravest men of all times.

All right,
I'll do that.

In the dark forests
of Africa,

there has been no danger
you have not dared.

You mind if
I don't smoke?

Fearlessly, you have
blazed new trails,

scornful of the lion's roar
and the cannibal's tom-tom.

Says you!

Never once in all those weary
months did your footsteps falter.

Cowardice is
unknown to you.

Fear is not in you!

Oh, pardon me,
a caterpillar...

Put him over here.

Oh, it must have been the
caterpillar that frightened him.

Oh, dear.
This is unfortunate.

Don't stand there.
Get the whiskey!

Get the whiskey. The whiskey? The whiskey?
Where is the whiskey?

It's in my little black bag
in the right-hand corner.

Signor Emanuel Ravelli.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Where's the dining room?
I'm surprised.

Say, I used to know a fellow
who looked exactly like you,

by the name of, uh,
Emanuel Ravelli.

Are you his brother?
I am Emanuel Ravelli.

You're Emanuel Ravelli?
I'm Emanuel Ravelli.

Well, no wonder you look like him,
but I insist there is a resemblance.

Hey,
he thinks I look alike.

Well, If you do, it's a tough
break for both of you.

You are one of the musicians, but
you were not due until tomorrow.

Couldn't come tomorrow.
That's too quick.

So, you're lucky they
didn't come yesterday.

We were busy yesterday,
but we charge just the same.

This is better
than exploring.

What do you fellows
get an hour?

Oh, for playing,
we get a $10 an hour.

I see. What do you
get for not playing?

$12 an hour.

Well, clip me off
a piece of that.

Now, for rehearsing, we make
special rate, that's $15 an hour.

That's for rehearsing? Yes,
that's for rehearsing.

And what do you get for not rehearsing?
You couldn't afford it.

You see, If we don't
rehearse, we don't play.

- And If we don't play...
- That runs into money.

How much will you want to
run into an open manhole?

Just the
cover charge.

Drop in sometime.
Sewer.

Oh, we cleaned
that up pretty well.

Well, let's see
how we stand.

Flat-footed.

Yesterday
we didn't come.

You remember, yesterday we didn't come.
Oh, I remember.

Yeah, that's $300.

Yesterday you didn't come. That's $300?
That's $300.

That's reasonable. I can
see that, all right.

Now, today we did come.
That's, uh...

That's $100 you owe us.

Hey, I bet I'm gonna
lose on the deal.

Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about...
A million dollars.

Yeah, that's all right for
me, but I got a partner.

What?
Partner?

The Professor!

The gates swung open
and a Fig Newton entered.

How do you do?

Goodness!

You haven't got
chocolate, have you?

He's got everything.

Hives, take the
Professor's hat and coat.

And send for
the fumigators.

Oh, my goodness!

Bonjour!

Hey, don't you see. There are ladies
present. What do you think this is?

Put that hat down. Will you?
What you do there?

Get out.

Don't go near those guns!

A little more
to the right.

Ah-ah,
that's better.

Now, see that
the drape is well-hung.

The mistress will inspect
it before the unveiling.

Hello, Hives!

Mrs. Whitehead,
this is a surprise.

And how about me?
Miss Grace,

you've grown so
in the last year.

You haven't lost
any weight, yourself.

No. Unfortunately not.

You know, Hives,
it seems strange

to find you working here
instead of in our own home.

Well, after you
left for Europe,

Mrs. Rittenhouse was good
enough to make me an offer.

Lovely!

Oh, by the way, Hives,

what's the secret
about the painting?

No secret. It's Beaugard's
After the Hunt.

The original?

Most original.

Be careful!

Where did she get hold
of that, do you suppose?

Is it very valuable? Is it?
It must be worth a fortune.

But sis, it looks as if we yield the social
honors of the season to Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Well, isn't there
something we can do?

We might shoot ourselves.

I'd rather shoot
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Say, I have an idea.

I copied that painting
in art school a year ago.

Well, what of it?

But, I still
don't get it.

I'll go home
and get the copy.

We'll substitute it
for the original.

And when she unveils it,
what'll she have?

An imitation, and I must
admit, a very poor one.

Grace,
you're wonderful.

That's what
I've been telling you.

I won't be long.

All right.
See you later.

Oh, Hives?

Do you still feel there's
a strong bond between us?

Why most certainly,
Mrs. Whitehead.

Strong enough for you
to do me a big favor?

Why, anything at all.

Well,

suppose I were to ask you
to take away the Beaugard?

What? You mean... Oh, just
temporarily, of course.

And substitute
something of my own.

Well, I should consider it
rather an unusual request.

It is, Hives.

But somehow I still think of
you as one of the Whiteheads.

You may count on me.

My soul is yours.

Even though my body

may belong to
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Why, Hives?

Oh, Mrs. Whitehead.
Arabella!

May I present,
Mr. Parker?

Oh, of the
Massachusetts Parkers?

Why, no. Oh, then the
southern Parkers?

Oh, no!
The central Parkers.

You know, the,
uh, benches and trees.

I see!

Oh! I don't like
that woman.

Well, never mind.
You come over here

and sit down and tell
me whom you do like.

Oh! So,
that's your game.

Now, listen,

do you
really love me?

Why don't you marry me
and find out.

Marry you? Ha! On what? Hmm.

Last year,
I sold two paintings.

One at $100
and one at $50.

Could we live
on $150 a year?

Oh, we wouldn't
need any money!

I've got a charge account
in every shop on 5th Avenue.

Well, if I
had any brains,

I'd give up painting
and get a regular job.

You know, I had a cousin who made
$50,000 on Wall Street last year.

Oh, I don't want
to marry your cousin.

I'm a darn fool.
I want to marry you.

Say,

why don't we get that old bluff,
Chandler, to buy a portrait from you?

Chandler? Ha! What does
he know about art?

Well, the less he knows, the easier
it will be for you to sell him.

They're right upstairs.
You can't miss them.

Go around to
the other side.

Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Oh, Captain Spaulding,
how are you?

Tell me,
are you alone?

Captain,
I don't understand.

What? You don't
understand being alone?

Don't give me that innocent
stuff or you'll be alone!

A big cluck like you
turning cute on me!

Mrs. Rittenhouse?
Yes?

Oh, pardon me.

You've been affected like
this yourself, haven't you?

Oh,
no, Captain.

Well, you will be.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
ever since I met you,

I've swept you
off my feet.

Something has been
throbbing within me.

Oh, it's been beating like the incessant
tom-tom in the primitive jungle.

There's something
that I must ask you.

What is it,
Captain?

Would you wash out
a pair of socks for me?

Captain,
I'm surprised.

Well, that maybe surprise you, but
it's been on my mind for weeks.

It's just my way of telling you
that I love you. That's all.

I love you. I...
Captain...

Mrs. Whitehead. I beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.

Am I intruding?

Are you intruding?

Just when I had her
on the five-yard line.

I should say
you are intruding!

I should say you are intruding!
Pardon me,

I was using the subjunctive
instead of the past tense.

Yes, we're way past tents.
We're living in bungalows now.

This is a mechanical age,
of course.

Mrs. Whitehead,

you haven't met Captain
Spaulding, have you?

Why, no. I haven't.
How are you?

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.
And how are you?

And how are you?

That leaves you
one up.

Did anyone ever tell you
you had beautiful eyes?

No.

Well, you have.
And so have you!

He shot her a glance.

As a smile played
around his lips.

Yes. I don't think
I've ever seen

four more beautiful eyes
in my life.

Well, three, anyway.

You know, you two girls
have everything.

You're tall and short, and slim
and stout, blonde and brunette,

and that's just the
kind of a girl I crave!

We three would make
an ideal couple.

Why, you've got beauty,
charm, money.

You have that money,
haven't you?

Because, if you haven't,
we can quit right now.

The Captain is charming,
isn't he?

I'm fascinated.

I'm fascinated, too.
Right on the arm.

Fascinated.
Whim-wham.

If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell
you what I really think of you two.

You know,
you're very fortunate

the theater guild
isn't putting this on.

And so is the guild.

Pardon me while I have
a strange interlude.

Why, you couple of baboons,

what makes you think
I'd marry either one of you?

Strange how the wind
blows tonight.

It has a thin, eerie voice.
Reminds me of poor old Marsden.

How happy I could be
with either of these two

if both of them
just went away.

Well, what do
you say, girls?

What do you say?
Will you marry me?

But, Captain,
which one of us?

Both of you. Let's all get married.
This is my party.

Party. Party.

Here I am talking
of parties.

I came down here for a party.
What happens?

Nothing.
Not even ice cream.

The gods look down
and laugh.

This would be a better
world for children

if the parents had
to eat the spinach.

Well, what do
you say, girls?

What do you say? Are we
all going to get married?

All of us?
All of us!

But that's bigamy.

Yes, and it's
big of me, too!

It's big of all of us.
Let's be big for a change.

I'm sick of these
conventional marriages.

One woman and one man was good
enough for your grandmother,

but who wants to marry
your grandmother?

Nobody. Not even
your grandfather.

Think of the honeymoon,
strictly private.

I wouldn't let another
woman in on this.

Well, maybe one or two,
but no men.

I may not go, myself.

Are you suggesting
companionate marriage?

Well, it's got advantages.

You could live
with your folks,

and I could live
with your folks.

And you, you could
sell Fuller Brushes.

Living with
your folks.

Living with your folks,
the beginning of the end.

Drab dead yesterdays shutting
out beautiful tomorrows.

Hideous stumbling footsteps creaking
along the misty corridors of time.

In those corridors,
I see figures,

strange figures,
weird figures.

Steel 186,
anaconda 74,

American Can 138.

Well, let's see.
Where were we?

Oh, yes! We were
about to get married.

Well, what do you think? Do you think
we really ought to get married?

I think marriage is a
very noble institution.

It's the foundation
of the American home.

Yes, but the trouble is
you can't enforce it.

It was put over on
the American people...

While our boys
were over there...

...and while our girls
were over here.

You know that I've been waiting at
the bottom of these stairs for years

for just such
a moment as this.

Why, Captain,
where are you going?

I'm sorry, ladies,
I'm sorry,

But, uh, I'm afraid we're gonna
have to postpone the wedding

for a few days,
maybe for a few years.

Before I get married, I'm going
to sow a couple of wild oats.

The Captain's so amusing.
Isn't he charming?

So that's the famous
Beaugard, eh?

It's a great picture,
isn't it?

Oh, you've
seen it before?

Seen it? I spent three days
in Paris copying it. You did?

Well, me and a million
other young artists.

I bet your copy was
better than any of them.

Well, it wasn't
bad at that.

I'll show it
to you sometime.

Listen.
What?

Mother's going
to unveil it tonight.

Yeah.

Suppose...

Suppose when she unveils it,
it's not the Beaugard at all?

Suppose it's yours!

You mean, put my copy in place
of the Beaugard? Exactly.

Well, Arabella,
you're crazy.

What good
would that do?

What good? Listen.

They'll unveil it.

Chandler will tell
everybody how fine it is.

They'll all cheer
their heads off,

and then we'll tell them
who really painted it.

They'll say,
you're a great artist.

You'll get six commissions
for paintings,

and we can be married
and divorced in no time.

Well, that sounds great.

But what if they don't like my painting?
What then?

Well, isn't the chance
worth taking?

Ah, I see you're admiring my picture.
Yes, yes.

Your picture?
Yes, my picture.

Well, it don't look
like you.

Hey, wait, wait.

Someplace I met you before, because
you're face is a very familiar.

Well, after all, I'm one of the
most well-known men in America.

The newspapers will keep
on running my photograph.

You're not Abe Kabbible?
Oh, nonsense!

All right. Hey, wait. If you're
not Abe Kabbible, who are you?

Now, please. Chandler is my
name, Roscoe W. Chandler.

Yeah, but I don't care
about the name, you see.

Someplace I met you before, because
your face is very familiar.

Now, wait.
Let me see,

Were you ever in Sing Sing?
Please!

No, no, Sing.
I got it. I got it.

Joliet?
Leave me alone!

No? All right, don't run away.
Don't run away.

Leavenworth? Oh, listen here, I
have never been in these places.

I spend most of my time in Europe.
Europe.

I got it now.

I know. You come
from Czechoslovakia.

You are wrong,
I tell you...

You come from... Hey, hey,
come here, come here.

I tell you... Please
get away from me.

Hey, you remember him.
Who was he?

He comes from
Czechoslovakia.

You are wrong, I tell you. I told
you before, you are mistaken.

He comes from Czechoslovakia,
and I know who it is.

That's Abie the fish peddler
from Czechoslovakia.

Ridiculous, I tell you.
You are wrong.

Wait, wait, wait.
We prove it.

He had a birthmark.
Remember?

Oh, please! What are you...
Leave me alone.

On the arm. On the arm.
On the leg.

On the foot, up here,
on the mustache.

Ah-ha! There it is.
There is the birthmark.

Abie the fish man.

I confess. I was,
I was Abie the peddler.

Well, how did you get to be Roscoe W.
Chandler?

Say, how did you get
to be an Italian?

Never mind. Whose
confession is this?

Well, boys,
for heaven's sake,

don't say about
this to anybody,

and I think we can
come to some agreement.

Some arrangement which would
be, uh, mutually satisfactory.

Money, money. Yeah.
Shall we say, uh, $500?

Piker! $500. Well, that
is all the cash I have.

$500?

Well, all right. I tell you what we do.
We'll take your I.O.U.

I've given you my best offer
and that is all you will get.

That's all you give?
Yes.

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man

Abie the fish man
Abie the fish man

Please be quiet,
quiet!

Please. Now, come here.
Now, listen here.

I have here a check for $5,000.
Now, I give it to you. Yeah?

Hey. Is it good? Well,
of course it is good.

Who would give me
a bad check?

I would.

Hey, see if it's good.

All right, if you
don't want the check,

then that is all
you will get.

That's all we get?
Yeah.

Abie the fish man Abie the
fish man Please, quiet!

Abie the fish man Abie
the fish man Quiet!

Abie the fish man

Here! Give me
that handkerchief.

My tie! Where is my tie? I...

You're nothing but a pair of thieves.
That's all.

I get a the tie.
Well, what do you got?

The birthmark!

Hey, hey,
where's your tie?

Well, I...

That's a fine way
for a millionaire

to be running around,
open at the neck.

Have you got garters? Of
course, I have garters. Here.

Oh! They've taken my garters, too!
A likely story.

Turning collegiate on me, eh?
Have you got socks?

Certainly.
Here they are.

Oh, yeah.
You have got socks.

They look pretty old to me, too.
Whose are they?

My old socks.
Let me introduce myself.

My name is Spaulding, Captain Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

Well, this is a treat,
your treat.

You have heard
about me?

Yes, I've heard about you for a
great many years, Mr. Chandler,

and I'm getting pretty
darn sick of it, too.

Quite naturally, I've also heard
of the great Captain Spaulding.

Well, that's fine. I've heard
of you and you've heard of me.

Now, have you ever heard the
one about the two Irishmen?

Oh, yes!

Now that I've got you in
hysterics, let's get to business.

My name is Spaulding,
Captain Spaulding.

I am Roscoe W. Chandler.

And I'm Geoffrey T. Spaulding. I bet you
don't know what the "T" stands for.

Uh, Thomas?
Edgar.

You were close, though.

You were close, though,
and you still are, I'll bet.

Now, this is what I want to talk
to you about, Mr. Chandler.

How would you like to finance
a scientific expedition?

Well,
that is a question.

Yes that is a question. You certainly
know a question when you see it.

I congratulate you,
Mr. Chandler,

and that brings us right
back to where we were.

How would you like to finance
a scientific expedition?

Well, is there any particular kind
of an expedition you had in mind?

Well, I tell you. I'm
getting along in years now.

There's one thing I always
wanted to do before I quit.

What is that?
Retire.

Now would you be interested in
a proposition of that kind?

You know, I've always had
an idea that my retirement

would be the greatest contribution
to science the world has ever known.

This is your chance,
Mr. Chandler.

When I think what you have
done for this country...

And by the way, what have
you done for this country?

Oh, well. I've always
tried to do what I could,

especially in
the world of art.

Art? Well, I don't know how
we drifted around that.

But what is
your opinion of art?

I am very glad
you asked me!

I withdraw the question.

This fellow takes
things seriously.

It isn't safe to ask
him a simple question.

Tell me Mr. Chandler, where are you
planning on putting your new opera house?

Oh, I thought I should put it
somewhere near Central Park.

I see. Why don't you put it
right in Central Park?

Could we do that? Sure. Do it at
night when no one is looking.

Why don't you put it in the reservoir
and get the whole thing over with?

Of course, that might interfere
with the water supply.

But after all, we must
remember that art is art.

Still, on the other hand,
water is water, isn't it?

And east is east,
and west is west.

And If you take cranberries and
stew them like applesauce,

it tastes more like prunes
than rhubarb does.

Now, uh,

now, you tell me
what you know.

Well, I would be very glad
to give you my opinion.

Well, that's dandy. I'll
ask you for them someday.

Remind me, will you?
I'll tell you what,

could you come to my office
at 10:00 tomorrow morning?

If I'm not there, ask for Mr.
Jamison, that's my secretary,

and If he sees you,
I'll discharge him.

That's a date, now.
Saturday at 3:00.

No, you better make it Tuesday,
I'm going to Europe Monday.

Pardon me.
My name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted to meet you, Mr.
Chandler.

Tell me. What do you think
of the traffic problem?

What do you think of
the marriage problem?

What do you think of at night
when you go to bed, you beast?

Well, I'll tell you... I'd rather
not discuss it any further.

Remember, there
are children present.

Well, you see,
my dear Captain,

in the last analysis,
it is a question of money.

The nickel today is not what
it used to be 10 years ago.

I'll go further than that.
I'll get off at the depot.

The nickel is not
what it was 15 years ago.

You know what this
country needs today?

What?
A seven-cent nickel.

Yes, sir. We've been using the five-cent
nickel in this country since 1492.

Now, that's pretty near
100 years, daylight saving.

Now, why not give the
seven-cent nickel a chance?

If that works out, next year we
could have an eight-cent nickel.

Think what that would mean.

You could go to a newsstand buy a three-cent
newspaper and get the same nickel back.

One nickel, carefully used,
would last a family a lifetime.

Captain Spaulding, I think
that is a wonderful idea.

You do, eh?
Yes.

Then there can't
be much to it.

Forget about it.
Well, uh...

Well, tell me, Captain Chandler,
uh, excuse me, Spaulding.

Spaulding, Spaulding, that's right.
Yeah.

I'm Spaulding,
you're Chandler.

Let's have no more
of that either, eh?

It's bad enough
being Spaulding.

Well, tell me,
Captain Spaulding,

Spaulding is the name? That's right.
That's right.

I'm, I'm Chan... I'm Spaulding...
Spaulding...

Could I look at
a program a minute?

I might be the "News Weekly," for all
he knows, or "Coming Next Week."

Well, tell me, Captain Spaulding,
you've been quite a traveler.

Uh, what do you think
about South America?

I'm going there soon,
you know.

Is that so? Where are you going?
Uruguay.

Well, you go Uruguay
and I'll go mine.

Say, how long has this been going on?
Let's change the subject.

Take the foreign situation.
Take Abyssinia.

I'll tell you,
you take Abyssinia,

and I'll take a hot butterscotch
sundae on rye bread.

Let's go and see what the boys
in the back room will have.

But, my...

Let's see how yours
compares with the original.

All right, let's.

Oh! I don't see
any difference.

Well, look closer. Maybe,
you'll find it's better.

Oh, you!

You seen
my partner?

No.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli.

Ravelli, Ravelli.
Oh, Mr. Ravelli.

I want you to do
something for me.

I do anything for you. What
do you want, I should do?

You see
that painting?

You mean,
this picture?

I want you to take that out of the
frame and put this one in its place.

You want I should take this one
down and put this one upstairs.

Yes, that's it.

You want
I should steal!

Oh, no, no!
It's not stealing.

Well, then,
I couldn't do it.

Oh, Mr. Ravioli!
Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, get up, get up.
Come here.

That's all you do,
chase the women.

Go. Aw, stop!

Everybody here plays cards.
They don't ask us.

We are a waste all the time.
We been here all day.

How much a we make?
We make a nothing.

First thing you know,
we gonna live on a charity,

then go to
the old ladies' home.

How do you like that?

No, no.
That's a no good!

These people here
all got a money.

Now, we gotta get someone
to play with us, see.

I play anything.

Oh, Signor Ravelli,

I want to speak to you about the music.
Yeah. How do you do?

What's the matter
with you?

I thought, it would be nice...
Go away from me.

What is this? That's all right.
Just a...

Oh, there you are.
My, dear...

Hello, Professor.

Good heavens. What's the
matter with his feet?

This is embarrassing.

That's nothing.

Why, we play
all kinds of games.

We play blackjack,
soccer...

Oh! Dear, I'm so sorry!

Mrs. Whitehead...

What is the matter
with him?

I wouldn't have had this
happen for the world.

Oh! Heavens!

Come on! Atta boy!

Go away from me!

One... Two... Three.

Atta boy.
Atta boy.

Good heavens.
Oh, dear.

I must, get them out. I
must get them out of here!

Oh, look. You see how
terrible he looks! Look.

I'm so frightened.

Look, what can I do?
I don't know.

I better get Hives.
No, let me get her.

Well, you go, then. I'm
just trying to watch my...

Oh, this is terrible.

She can't take
it there.

You better get Hives.

Go away from me!

This is dreadful.

Well, why don't
you leave him alone?

Stop!

Now that this game is over,
how about playing bridge?

You play bridge?
I play bridge a little.

What do you play for? Oh, we
just play for small stakes.

And French fried
potatoes?

Set it up over there, Hives.
Very good, madam.

What in the world
is he up to?

Look at this.

The whole house will be torn to pieces.
Absolutely.

If it isn't one thing,
it's another.

Oh, Hives!
Oh!

Take it away,
Hives.

Extraordinary.
We'll play over here.

Now, how do you want to play?
Honest?

Well, I hope so.

You put that
right away.

It's your
own fault.

Come along now.
We'll cut for partners.

Oh, he's my partner. That's
the only way we play.

I'm sorry but it's against the rules of
the games. We have to cut for partners.

All right.
We cut for partners.

I got ace of spades.
He's got ace of spades.

That's what you call
"quin-cidences."

Two aces of spaces? Yeah,
he's got thousands of them.

Well, I suppose that gives
him the choice of seats.

You have
the choice of seats.

Good heavens! Not on her lap.
Come on! Sit down.

What's the matter with him?
I don't know.

He thought it was
contact bridge.

Just a minute now.
Shuffle the cards.

Yeah. You got to scrumble them up a bit.
You know.

Just a moment. I'd like
to cut those cards.

That's a better.

Uh, your bid,
partner.

You pass?

Misdeal.

You pass?
I bid one spade.

I pass.
Three spades.

Four spades.

One club.

I don't understand
this kind of bidding!

Well, you don't
have to understand.

You bid four spades,
huh?

Why, I haven't
a spade in my hand!

All right.
We double.

There's something
wrong here.

I want you to
go over the bidding.

Hey, she wants to start
them up again, the bidding.

He bids one.

One?
One what?

That's all right.
You find out.

But we have to know
what he's bidding.

We tell you later.
Now I bid two.

Two what? Uh, two of
the same he bids.

Now, the bidding's over.

See, that's
enough bidding.

Uh, it's your lead.

Oh, no, you
can't lead that.

Why not?
Why, we can't take it.

Well, what should
I lead?

Ace.

Ace of spades.
That's very good.

Three of spades,
four of spades...

You trump it?

Uh, that's what you
call a finesse.

No spades, partner.
No spades!

Ace of hearts.

Ace of clubs.

Dummy leads.
The dummy leads.

I'm not
the dummy!

Well, you could be.

Ace of diamonds.

100 aces, huh?

200?

That's better.

Ace of hearts.

Atta boy,
make a big slam.

Make a big,
big slam!

Ace of spades.

Ace of spades.

That's a good.
He plays a good game.

Ace of spades. He plays
a fine game, all right.

Ace of... I refuse
to play any longer.

You're nothing but a couple of card sharps.
Good heavens!

What's the matter, dear?
My shoes are gone!

Good gracious. He has your slippers.
Come along, come along.

Hey, you take a
the lady's shoes, huh?

Hey. Quiet.

Quiet, quiet.

Hide! Hide!
Somebody's coming.

All right. I make a mistake.
Get up, get up. Come on.

Hurry up.

Come. Hey, hurry up.
Come here.

You know what
we gotta do, eh?

We gotta take a that picture out and
put this one upstairs for the lady.

Wait! No touch.
You got everything ready, huh?

The shovel, the ax, the
dynamite, the pineapples?

Where's the flash?

That's a no flash.

A flash.
There's a flash. Flash.

That's a flash.
A flash.

Yeah,
that's a flash.

That's a fish! I no want a fish.
No fish.

Flash. Aw, stop it.
You act crazy.

When you go out in the night time,
you gotta have a the flash.

Ha! That's a no flash.
That's a flask.

Flash. When you wanna see somebody,
you gotta have a the flash.

That's a flush. What I
gonna do with a flush?

A flash. No flit.

It's a flits. What am I
gonna do with a flits?

What do you got?

That's whatcha
call a flutes.

All you got is a fish, a flutes, a
flits, flutes, flits and a flutes.

Stop this!
Where's the flash?

Look, when everything
is a light...

And you wanna make them
a dark, what do you do?

Ah! You're crazy.
I don't want no blackjack.

That's a my mistake,
I guess.

When everything is dark, and
you wanna make them light...

Yeah, that's a flash.
That's a flash.

Hey, that's a good, all right.

The storm put the lights out.
Now, nobody can see what we do.

That's a fine.
Where is the flash?

Where's the flash?

I no want the fish!
The flash!

No, no flute! No, flute!

What's the matter
with you, eh?

Flash. Before the people
come, get a the flash.

What's the matter?
You lose it?

Well, you gotta find it.
Look for it.

All right, all right. Never mind.
Come on. We'll work without it.

Yes, madam. Hide! Hide!
Somebody's coming.

Hide, hide, hide.

Quiet! Shut up!
Quiet.

Shut up. Be quiet. I know where you are.
It's all right.

Oh, Captain Spaulding?

Captain Spaulding,
where are you?

Here. Yes,
what's the trouble?

The storm has
put the lights out,

and you can't see your
hand before your face.

You wouldn't get much
enjoyment out of that.

I don't know what you're gonna
do, but I'm gonna take a nap.

Leave me a call
for 3:00.

Make it 3:30.

You certainly get
service around here.

Pardon me, Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose a fish?

What?
Well, somebody lost it.

Will you take it out in the
kitchen and have it fried for me?

Did you hear that?

There's somebody
over there.

I say, there's
somebody over there!

Don't be silly. The house is
just settling. That's all.

Anybody over there? I
don't see anybody.

There you are. If there's anybody
there, we'd see him, wouldn't I?

- Oh, what is it?
- Captain, what is it?

You know, what I think? I
think you got roaches.

Yes, you got roaches,
all right.

And the biggest one
has got asthma.

Oh, this is terrible. Captain,
let's get out of here.

We get a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Hey! Somebody
put on the lights.

All right. We get a the picture.
We don't make one sound.

Come on. Let's go.
Get out of here.

What do you want?

Oh, the fish.
Come on, come on.

Oh! That's some storm,
huh?

That's a regular tomato.

Come on. Let's go this way.
I think it's a shortcut.

Come on, let's go.

California!

Oh, Captain, how thrilling.
And then what happened?

It was nothing at all.
I'd rather not discuss it.

But I can't wait to hear the finish.
I must hear it.

Well, there I was. There I
was in the top of the tree

with this rhinoceros pointing
his gun straight at me.

A rhinoceros?
Yes.

Captain, what did you do?

What could I do?
I had to marry his daughter.

What kind of a story do you call that?
All right, you tell one.

And now, my friends,

before we start
the musical program,

Captain Spaulding has kindly consented
to tell us about his trip to Africa.

Captain Spaulding.
Me?

My friends, I'm going to tell
you of that great mysterious,

wonderful continent
known as Africa.

Africa is God's country,
and he can have it.

Well, sir.

We left New York drunk and early
on the morning of February 2.

After 15 days on the water
and six on the boat,

we finally arrived
on the shores of Africa.

We once proceeded 300 miles into the heart
of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear.

This bear was 6' 7" in his
stocking feet and had shoes on...

Pardon me, just a moment, Captain.
Just a moment.

I always thought that polar bears
lived in the frozen north.

Oh, you did. Well,
this bear was anemic,

and he couldn't stand
the cold climate.

He was a rich bear and could
afford to go away in the winter.

You take care of your animals
and I'll take care of mine!

Frozen north, my eye.

From the day of our arrival,
we led an active life.

The first morning saw us up at 6:00,
breakfasted and back in bed at 7:00.

This was our routine
for the first three months.

We finally got so
we were back in bed at 6:30.

One morning, I was sitting in front
of the cabin, smoking some meat.

Smoking some meat?

Yes, there wasn't a cigar
store in the neighborhood.

As I say, I was sitting
in front of the cabin

when I bagged
six tigers.

Oh, Captain! Six of
them biggest I...

Captain, did you
catch six tigers?

I bagged them. I... I
bagged them to go away,

but they hung around
all afternoon.

They were the most persistent
tigers I've ever seen.

The principal animals
inhabiting the African jungle

are moose, elks
and Knights of Pythias.

Of course, you all
know what a moose is.

That's big game.

The first day
I shot two bucks.

That was
the biggest game we had.

As I say, you all
know what a moose is.

A moose runs around on the floor and
eats cheese and is chased by the cats.

The elks, on the other hand,
live up in the hills.

And in the spring, they come down
for their annual convention.

It is interesting to watch
them come to the water hole.

And you should
see them run

when they find
it's only a water hole!

What they're looking
for is an elk-a-hole.

One morning I shot an
elephant in my pajamas.

How he got in my
pajamas, I don't know.

Then we tried
to remove the tusks.

The tusks. That's not so easy to say.
Tusks.

You try that sometime.

Tusks.
Oh, simple. Tusks.

Pardon me, my name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted to meet you, Mr.
Chandler.

As I say, we tried
to remove the tusks.

But they were embedded in so
firmly that we couldn't bust them.

Of course, in Alabama,
the Tuscaloosa.

But, uh, that's entirely irr-elephant
to what I was talking about.

We took some pictures
of the native girls,

but they weren't developed.

But we're going back again
in a couple of weeks.

I will... A very enlightening
speech, Captain.

Very enlightening. Hooray
for Captain Spaulding!

Three cheers
for Captain Spaulding!

Aw. Oh, really I... Three
cheers for Captain Spaulding!

Three cheers... No one
asked for the chairs!

Put them right
where you found them.

Now, go now. Go now.
Go on, go on!

Go on with your chairs. Get out!

Go on, go on,
go on, you.

And, now, friends,

Signor Ravelli will
oblige us at the piano.

Signor Ravelli.

Signor Ravelli's first
selection will be

Somewhere My Love Lies
Sleeping With a Male Chorus.

One, two, three, four.

One, two,
three, four.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, 10, 11, 12,
13, 14, 15, 16,

17, 18, 19, 20...

Say, if you get
near a song, play it.

I can't think
of the finish.

That's strange. And I can't
think of anything else.

You know what I think?
I think I went past it.

I mean, if you come
around again, jump off.

I once kept this up
for three days.

You wouldn't consider
hush money, would you?

I can't get him now, I've got
to wait for inspiration.

It's about time.

Play the song
about Montreal.

Montreal?

I'm a Dreamer,
Montreal.

I don't know that.
I'll tell you what I do.

I play one of my own
compositions

by Victor Herbert.
Make it short.

He plays
them both well.

Atta boy.

The old red team
scored that time.

So did the old
blue one.

Why do you push, huh? Why do you push?
Oh, please, stop them.

Let them alone. They may
exterminate each other.

Come on, come on! The best thing
that can happen for either of them.

And once
for old Purdue.

I was
afraid of that.

Hey, I thought
I had the finish.

I wish you did.

Yours.

Play the song about
the Irish chiropodist.

Irish chiropodist?

My Fate is
in Your Hands.

Is there a horse
in the house?

They've got
everything else here.

And, uh, now,
Mrs. Rittenrotten...

Uh, Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Yes, a slight error.

I have a little
surprise for you!

The man is here
for the piano.

Oh, Captain.

No, really. What I meant
to say was that, uh...

When I departed from the natives in
Africa, I was presented with a gift.

And this gift I'm
going to give to you

at a very low figure.

Oh, how wonderful,
Captain!

Well, no. Don't be too hasty.
Oh, I just...

This is all
hand-painted.

The whole thing was done
with the white of an egg.

Well, what is it,
Captain? What is it?

"What is it?"
you ask.

This is a hope chest
for a guinea pig.

Oh.
What is it?

This magnificent chest...

No, this...
No, this magnificent chest,

I now take great pleasure in
presenting to you with my compliments.

Captain, this leaves
me speechless.

Well, see that you
remain that way.

And, now, ladies
and gentlemen...

Come outside
and say that.

If we will all adjourn
to the library,

Mrs. Rittenhouse has another, and
perhaps greater, surprise for us.

Hmm.
This way, Captain.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
how do you pay Hives?

By the week
or by the pound?

And now,
it is my privilege

to reveal
the masterpiece

of Francois Jacques Dubois
Gilbert Beaugard.

No trains will be sold

after the magazines
leave the depot.

After the Hunt.

There! I told you
you were a great artist.

Shall we spill
the beans now?

Let's wait a minute.
Something might happen.

Now, I'm sure, we'd all appreciate
a few words from Mr. Chandler,

who will tell us of the life and
work of the artist, Beaugard.

And keep it clean.

Mr. Chandler.

My friends,

I am quite sure that you are
all familiar with Beaugard,

and this is perhaps
his masterpiece.

In it, he has achieved
the greatness

in the handling
of color and line.

Now, you will
see here that I...

Wait! This is
not my picture.

This is a rank
imitation!

What do you mean,
Mr. Chandler?

Well, here,
see for yourself!

You are right. It is
not the Beaugard.

It certainly isn't.
There's a dog missing!

Oh, Captain Spaulding,
what shall I do?

Telephone the dog
catchers immediately!

They have taken the
original and left me this.

Leave it to me. I'll throw
some light on this subject.

Has anyone a match?

What's wrong?

- Hives, Hives, where are you?
- Turn on the lights.

Mrs. Rittenhouse,
did you lose that fish again?

Oh, Captain,
I'm so worried.

Good heavens! That
one is gone, too!

Oh, this is awful.

The crooks! The crooks!
They are escaping.

Follow me, men!

Never mind the men,
just the women.

Oh, Captain.
Captain!

- Captain!
- Come on.

Right this way.

He went out here
someplace.

Excitement.

I never saw anything so
funny in all my life.

It was great, and there
goes her old party.

Good old Hives.
Wasn't it funny?

Oh, very.

Why, you're not afraid,
are you, Hives?

Oh, no, I'm not afraid.
Oh, dear, no.

Only, you see, well, they were
talking of having the police here.

And I wouldn't want
the police to suspect me.

Why, they wouldn't
suspect you.

Oh, yes,
they would.

You see, the last time
they suspected me,

I got four years.

Hives!

All right, Hives.

Give me the painting
and I'll take care of it.

Good. Come.

Good heavens! It's gone! Gone?

I left it in there.
There?

There must be thieves at this party.
Oh, God!

If I'd known that, I
never would have come.

Wait a minute.
That professor.

The professor!
I see!

Hives, that's the fellow
in the woodpile. Now, listen.

We've got to get that
picture away from him!

Might I suggest
some of this?

What... Oh, very
satisfactory in these cases.

A few drops
on a handkerchief

and the professor will
no longer obstruct us.

You are sure
it'll do the trick?

Oh, absolutely.

Would you care
to try some?

No, thanks, Hives. Let's
find the professor.

I don't see how the thief
could have gotten away.

I wonder who
it could have been.

It's a good thing
we substituted yours.

Suppose that the thief had
gotten away with the Beaugard!

Oh, it would be all right
if they stole mine.

Oh, darling, I... I
didn't mean that.

But what would
mother do?

Why, it's worth
$100,000!

How could she have
replaced it?

Oh, I understand, dear.

Isn't it exciting?
Just think.

Whoever took it was right
in the room with us!

Just like Raffles.

Oh, isn't it
romantic?

All the boys I've known

Used to say
I was made of stone

I would always
leave them alone

In despair

I've been on the pan

I've been called
an electric fan

Told I'm even much
colder than

Frigidaire

I began to wonder

If I was all wrong

I thought so
till you came along

Tell me, dear

Why am I so romantic

When you're near

Why am I so romantic

What a grand feeling

When your lips
meet mine

That certain
something comes

Stealing up and down
my spine

I don't know
what it is you do to me

You don't know half
of the good you do me

Other boys bore me

They just
leave me blue

But why am I
so romantic

With you

Tell me, dear

Why am I so romantic

When you're near

Why am I so romantic

What a grand feeling

When your lips
touch mine

That certain
something comes

Stealing up and down
my spine

When we pet
close in your arms

You hold me

I forget all that
my mother told me

Other girls bore me

They just leave me blue

But why am I so romantic

With you

Oh, Signor Ravelli.
Ah, how do you do?

I've been looking
for you all morning.

I was busy all morning, but you
could have had me last night.

Signor Ravelli, you've gotta
put that painting back.

Painting? Painting? What painting?
What are you talking?

The one you changed last
night, you remember?

Oh, you mean the picture? Yes.

Hey, what's
the matter for you?

First you want them downstairs,
then you want them upstairs.

Then you want them
downstairs, then you...

Come on,
make up your mind.

Oh, I do thank you
for what you've done.

But you've got to get that painting
back before the police get here.

Police?
Yes!

They come here?
Yes!

Wait, I give it to you, you put it back.
Come on, come on.

Where's the picture? What do you
mean, "Where's the picture"?

I put him in there. It's gone.
Somebody take him.

You take him!
Me?

No, I know. I know. I...

The fish peddler.
Abie, the fish peddler.

Did mother invite
a fish peddler here?

I don't know whether she
invite, but he's here.

Come on.
We find him.

Good morning,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Good morning,
Mr. Jamison.

And how is Captain
Spaulding this morning?

Oh, he had
a very bad night.

He didn't sleep
a wink.

He went horseback riding
in the middle of the night.

I'm sorry.
Yes, I know.

But we've all been very upset.
Bad case. Yeah.

Uh, good morning,
Captain.

Did you enjoy
your ride?

What in the world
are you looking for?

I lost my horse.
Oh!

Yes, he slipped right
out from between me.

I can't understand it. I had
my feet in the syrups, too.

I don't know. I don't
know how he got...

I didn't care about that, but
I lost the bit you loaned me.

Never mind. I'll get
you another bit.

Well, that'll be
two bits I owe you, then.

Captain, I hope you
weren't distressed

by last night's
unfortunate occurrence.

You mean that dinner you served?

No, the painting
that was stolen.

Was there
a painting stolen?

I haven't seen a paper
in three weeks.

Jamison, as my secretary, why didn't you
inform me there was a painting stolen?

What do you think
I engaged you for?

But, Captain,
I didn't know it.

Well, you should have asked me.
I didn't know it!

- Well, I'm sorry.
- You're sorry.

You're a contemptible cur!

I repeat, sir,
you're a contemptible cur!

Oh, if I were a man
you'd resent that.

Please keep quiet,
will you?

I can get along
without you, you know.

I got along without your father, didn't I?
Yes, and your grandfather.

Yes, and your uncle!
Yes, and your uncle!

Yes, and my uncle.
Captain!

I didn't come here
to be exonerated.

I beg pardon,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Oh, you do, eh?

Well, I'd like to see you
crawl out of a rumble seat.

The police
are here, madam.

Oh, the police.
Have them come in.

Oh, so, that's
your game, is it?

You can't
shut me up.

Captain. No! You can
talk to my attorney.

Jamison?
Yes, sir.

Take a letter
to my lawyers.

I'll show you a thing
or two, or three.

I'll show you
a thing or three.

Oh, Captain.
Sending for the police.

Take a letter
to my lawyers!

Sending for the police, eh?

I say, take a letter
to my lawyers!

I am taking it!

Uh, read me
what you have so far.

Honorable
Charles H. Hungerdunger,

in care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick.

Semicolon.

How do you spell
"semicolon"?

All right,
make it a comma.

Dear, Elsie...
No, never mind Elsie.

Do you want me to
scratch "Elsie"?

Well, if you enjoy that sort of
thing, it's quite all right with me.

However, I'm not interested in
your private affairs, Jamison.

Begin this way.
Let's start all over again.

Honorable
Charles H. Hungerdunger,

in care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger and McCormick.

Gentlemen,
question mark.

- Do you want that, uh...
- in the letter?

No, put that
in an envelope.

Now, then,

in re yours
of the fifth inst.

Yours to hand
and beg to rep.

Brackets.

That, uh, we have gone
over the ground carefully

and we seem to believe,

I-E, to wit,
E-G, in lieu,

that, uh, despite all our
precautionary measures

which have
been involved...

We seem to believe that
it is hardly necessary

for us to proceed unless
we receive an ipso facto

that is not negligible
at this moment.

Quotes, unquotes
and quotes.

Uh, hoping this finds you,
I beg you to remain...

Hoping this
finds him where?

Well, let him
worry about that.

Don't be so
inquisitive, Jamison.

Sneak!

I say, hoping
this finds you,

I beg to remain, as of June
9th, cordially yours. Regards.

That's all, Jamison.

I'll show you
where I get off.

Sending for the police.

Now read me the letter, Jamison.

"Honorable Charles
H. Hungadunga..."

"Hungerdunger."

"Hunga... Hun."
"Hunga..."

"Hungerdunger." That's it.
"Hungerdunger."

"In care of Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick."

You've left out
a "Hungerdunger."

You left out
the main one, too.

Thought you could
slip one over on me, eh?

All right, leave it out and put
in a windshield wiper instead.

I'll tell you what you do, Jamison.
I'll tell you what.

Make it, uh, make it three windshield
wipers and one "Hungerdunger."

They won't all be there when
the letter arrives anyhow.

"Hungerdunger, Hungerdunger,
Hungerdunger and McCormick."

"And McCormick."

"Dear Elsie, scratch."

That won't do, Jamison.

That won't go through the
mail, the way you got it.

The way you've got the letter, you've
got McCormick scratching Elsie.

Now you better turn that around
and have Elsie scratch McCormick.

And you better turn McCormick
around, too, Jamison.

And see what
you can do for me.

"Gentlemen,
question mark."

"Gentlemen,
question mark"?

Put it on the penultimate,
not on the diphthongic.

You wanna brush up
on your Greek, Jamison.

Well, get a Greek
and brush up on him.

"In re yours of the
fifth inst." I see.

Now, you said a lot
of things here

that I didn't think
were important,

so I just
omitted them.

Well!
Hmm.

Oh, Captain!
Good gracious!

Oh, my!

So, you've just
omitted them, eh?

You've just omitted the body
of the letter, that's all.

You've left out the body
of the letter, that's all.

Yours is not to
reason why, Jamison!

You've left out
the body of the letter!

All right, send it that way and
tell them the body will follow.

Do you want the
body in brackets?

No, it'll never
get there in brackets.

Put it in a box.

Put it in a box and mark
it, uh, "fragilly."

Mark it what?

Mark it "fragilly."
F-R-A-G...

Look it up, Jamison. It's in the
dictionary. Look under "fragile."

Look under the table
if you don't find it there.

Uh, "Quotes, unquotes,
and quotes."

That's three quotes?
Yes, sir.

Add another quote
and make it a gallon.

How much is it, a gallon, Jamison?
Regards.

Regards. That's a fine letter, Jamison.
That's an epic.

That's dandy.

Now, I want you to make two
carbon copies of that letter

and throw
the original away.

And when you get through with that,
throw the carbon copies away.

Just send a stamp airmail.
And that's all.

You may go, Jamison.
I may go, too.

Mrs. Rittenhouse?

Yes? I'm Inspector Hennessey
from headquarters.

How do you do,
Inspector?

Let me
introduce myself.

I'm Captain Scotland
of Spaulding Yard.

No, I'm Captain Spaulding
of Scotland Yard.

Please don't make
the same mistake again.

I'm glad to know you,
Captain.

Well, I should think
you would be.

Now, then, inspector, I
think between the two of us

we can solve the mystery
of the stolen painting.

Especially,
if you go home.

Inspector, please don't be too
hasty about making an arrest.

I don't want
my guests embarrassed.

Don't worry.

We won't
arrest anybody.

He's lucky if he can stay
out of jail himself.

Mr. Jamison, would you mind
taking the inspector and his men

to the library and showing
them the scene of the crime?

Certainly,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Right this way,
Inspector.

Come on, boys.

And, Jamison,
count the spoons.

Captain, I didn't know
you'd been a detective.

There's a whole lot
of things you don't know.

I suppose that's so.

You know darn well
it's so.

Where were you on the
night of June 5, 1774?

I'm afraid
I don't know.

You bet you don't know.
Where was I?

I don't know.

Well, I don't know, either. And if
I did know I wouldn't tell you.

Put that in your
pipe and smoke it.

Take a number
from one to 10.

All right. All right.
What's the number?

Seven. That's right.
Seven is right.

I could have done it with
one hand if I wanted.

This is no mystery. I could solve this
in five minutes if I wanted to worry.

Captain, I don't
want you to worry.

I don't want anything to
interfere with your weekend.

Nothing ever interferes
with my weekend,

and I'll thank you not to get
personal, Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Captain. Captain, I assure you...
Where's my secretary?

I didn't mean... No, no.
Where's my secretary?

Jamison, Jamison? Captain,
you misunderstood me.

Oh! A more dastardly crack

I've never heard.
Oh. Captain, please.

I wish I was back in the
jungle where men are monkeys.

Captain, I'm so sorry. Jamison!

Jamison? No.
Oh, Captain.

Oh, dear.
No!

Good morning,
Mrs. Rittenhouse.

Good morning.

Perfectly
charming party.

I wouldn't have missed
it for the world.

It's just full
of surprises.

So glad you're
enjoying yourself.

Oh, Hives. Hives!

Good morning.
Some breakfast?

Breakfast, nothing. Did
you get the painting?

No, I did not.
I watched all night,

but the professor
did not sleep

in his room.
No?

Strange.
Very strange.

Good heavens, Hives!
What will we do?

I don't know. Until
we see the professor.

You keep
an eye on him

till I get back
with the bottle.

Don't worry, he'll not get
away from me this time.

Did you get it? Good.
Yes, madam.

Now, I'll go ahead and
engage him in conversation.

You'll trail behind,

and when the proper time
comes, see that he gets it.

Very good,
madam.

Oh, hello. I've been
looking all over for you.

Where have
you been?

What is the matter
with this?

What have you got there,
the morning papers?

No, that isn't
the one I want.

Let me see
one of the others.

That still isn't
the one I want.

You know what I want.

Out.

Yes, out.

Never mind
the birds.

Come on up here. Sit down.
I want to talk to you.

Don't you like me?

You don't?

Well, I like you.

I like little boys
like you.

By the way,
how old are you?

Five years old?

Why you're just a baby,
aren't you?

Aw, isn't that nice?
I like that.

No, no, no!

Now, all
joking aside.

Isn't there someone
you do like?

Isn't there
someone you love?

Now think again.

Isn't there someone you
really and truly love?

Is there?

Tell me who.

Why, that's a horse.
You love a horse.

Come on.
Lift him up.

Come on, he's out.

Let us get out.

Arabella.

John, I've been
trying to find you.

Ravelli has lost
the painting.

Well, I've been looking
all over for you.

I found a painting
out on the terrace.

Was it the Beaugard?
No.

Oh, yours!
Shh.

Well, if it's not yours
and it's not the Beaugard,

whose is it? Where
did it come from?

Oh, don't you see?
Someone else came along

and substituted it
for mine,

thinking they were getting away
with the original Beaugard.

Somebody swiped
my scheme, eh?

Hey, then Chandler never saw
your painting after all. No!

For all I know you may
still be a great artist.

Where is this picture?
It's up in my room.

Well, you go get it and
I'll get Captain Spaulding.

He'll get to
the bottom of this.

And then John found
a third painting.

Well, that's
very interesting.

Well, fairly
interesting.

But we've just got to keep a
sharp lookout. That's all.

Oh, I've got
to find it

or mother's
out of $100,000.

Now, don't worry. Let me work
on this case for 24 hours,

and then we'll call in
somebody else.

You think it's
a mystery now?

Wait till you'll
see it tomorrow.

Remember the Charley
Ross disappearance?

I worked on that
case for 24 hours

and they never
did find him.

They couldn't find me
for five years.

That's me, Captain Yard
of Scotland Spaulding.

I always get my women.
Or paintings.

Arabella! Can you imagine
what's happened?

You know that painting I found?
Yes?

Well, it's been stolen from my room.
John!

There you are. I've been
on the case five minutes

and there's another
painting gone.

I'll bet it's not
even five minutes.

I'll bet it
not over three.

Now they've got my watch!
This is going too far.

It wasn't going
and now it's gone.

The door to my room
was locked, too!

Well, how could
they get in?

Who could
it have been?

Wait a minute. I think
I've got a clue.

No, it's a hair.
A red hair.

The professor?

Oh, no.
No, it couldn't be.

Well, he's been picked this month
by the Crook of the Month Club.

Anyhow, we'll
investigate it.

You know Conductor
Hennessey, don't you?

Inspector!
Inspector yourself.

Now, listen, you know that
little redheaded fellow?

The professor?
Yes.

Well, get that gang of
flagpole sitters of yours

and see if you
can find him.

Aye, aye, Captain.
Come on, boys.

He'll get to the bottom of this.

You'll see how quick
these boys...

Hey, what's that punk
doing there?

They're good policemen.
Didn't take long to find him.

That's right.
This is it.

Yeah, this is it.
But which one is it?

That's the one that was
just taken from my room!

Well, we've got
that back.

Maybe I got
my watch back.

Now, the fob is gone.

Well, I still got
the pocket.

Anything I retain now
is velvet.

Except the coat.
That's Prince Albert.

Well, all the jokes
can't be good.

You've gotta expect
that once in a while.

Say, if we could find the fellow
that painted this picture,

well, we'd have
a pretty good clue.

What'd you say? I said if
we could find the fellow

that painted this picture,
we'd have a pretty good clue.

You just
said that!

What a dull conversationalist
you turned out to be.

Let me see that a minute.
Will you?

Say, this is signed
"Beaugard."

There's the criminal, Beaugard.

No, Beaugard
is dead!

Beaugard is dead?
Then it's murder!

Now we've got something.
What you got, Captain?

I got jacks and aces.
What do you got?

That's good.
I was bluffing.

Look at this, Ravelli.
Isn't there something

strikes you very funny
about this picture?

Oh, come, come. It isn't
as funny as all that.

Did you ever see
a tree like that?

Tree? That's
a spinach.

That can't be spinach.
Where's the egg?

Well, it could be spinach. Look,
all the sand laying around there.

You mean, it's an
old spinach custom?

No, it's not that,
Ravelli.

Anything but that.
Oh. No, Cap.

That's all right.
It's my mistake.

You know what that is?
That's coleslaw.

Coleslaw?
Yeah, it's a coleslaw.

Did you ever see
coleslaw like that?

Sure, look
at this one.

No, I don't want one
on your lip, now.

Did you ever see
anything like that?

Did you ever see
anything like that?

You know
what this is?

This is a left-handed
painting.

Look, there's
a signature.

That's right, it's in
the right-hand corner.

That's right. This is either
a left-handed painting

or a vegetable dinner.

Now, if we can find the left-handed
person that painted this,

we'll have The Trial of
Mary Dugan with sound.

Well, I saw that.
Good-bye.

Now, you wait here. I'm gonna need you.
Now, look.

We mustn't lose this.
This is evidence.

Now, take it to your room and leave the
door open this time. We'll try that.

And not a word about this
to anybody, not even to me.

Ravelli, we have got to find
the left-handed painting.

Yes, the left-handed painter.
Now in a case like this

the first thing to do
is to find the motive.

Now, what could have been
the motive of the guy

who has swapped
the Beaugard?

I got it!
Robbery!

Would you mind going out
and crossing the boulevard

when the lights
are against you?

See, Cap,
sit down.

You understand, I got an idea
how to find this painting.

In a case like this that is so
mysterious, you gotta get at the clues.

You gotta use
the Sherlock Holmes method.

Now, you go
about it like this.

You say to yourself,
"What happened?"

And the answer come back,
"Something was stolen."

Then you say to yourself,
"What was stolen?"

And the answer come
back, "A painting."

What are you,
a ventriloquist?

Now you say to yourself, "Where
was this painting stolen?"

And the answer come
back, "In this house."

Now, so far
I'm right, eh?

Well, it's pretty hard
to be wrong

if you keep answering
yourself all the time.

Now you go a little further,
and you say to yourself,

"Who stole the painting?"

This is a very, very
important question.

Captain, you get the answer, you've
got the solution to the whole thing.

Especially if you
find the picture.

Now you take
all the clues.

You put them together.
What do you got, eh?

A bread pudding.
No, here's what we got.

Something was stolen.

Stolen where? In this house.
Stolen by who?

Somebody
in the house.

Now to find the painting, you only gotta
do is go to everybody in the house

and ask them
if they took it.

You know, I could rent you out
as a decoy for duck hunters?

You say you're gonna go
to everybody in the house

and ask them if they
took the painting?

Suppose nobody in the
house took the painting.

Go to the house
next door.

That's great.

Suppose there isn't
any house next door.

Well, then of course
we gotta build one.

Well, now you're talking. What kind of
house do you think we ought put up?

Well, I'll tell ya, Cap.

You see. My idea of a house is something
nice and small and comfortable.

That's the way
I feel about it.

I don't want
anything elaborate.

Just a little place
that I can call home

and tell the wife I won't
be there for dinner.

I see. You just want
a telephone booth.

No, in that case, I'll get
in touch with Chic Sales.

Now, what do you say, Cap,
we build right about here?

Here? Yeah, right about here.

Oh, I'd like something over
here if I could get it.

I don't like junior crossing the tracks
on his way to the reform school.

I don't like junior at
all, as a matter of fact.

All right, all right. We
got something over there.

And believe me, that's convenient.
That's very convenient.

Well, all you gotta do
is open the door,

step outside
and there you are.

There you are?
Yeah.

"There you are" where? Outside.

Well, suppose you want
to get back in again?

You had no right
to go out.

Well, don't do anything until
I hear from you, will you?

Say, maybe that's the
painting down in the cellar!

That's no cellar.
That's the roof.

That's the roof?
Down there?

Yeah, you see, we keep
the roof in the basement,

so when the rain comes,
the chimney don't get wet.

I'm going out
and get X-rayed.

I'll be back
in a little while.

I may be wonderful, but I
think you're wrong, Ravelli.

Hey, wait, don't get up excited.
Come here.

Now, look,
here's the rooms.

Those are the rooms? Yeah.
Right, there's the rooms.

This is your room.

This is my room and this
is the maid's room.

Oh, I'd have to go
through your room?

Ah! That's all right.
I won't be in it.

Say, Ravelli,

you couldn't put the
maid in your room, eh?

What makes you think
I couldn't?

Well, there's gonna be a lot of
traffic in there. I can see that.

Well, what do you say? You
ready to sign the lease?

Well, it's a little
premature.

I'd like to discuss it
with my husband.

Could you come back this
evening when he is home?

Hey, you married?

Why, I've got a girl
as big as you are.

All right,
get me one.

Don't get vulgar,
Ravelli.

Ravelli, how about
the painting?

We take care
of that, all right.

Now, I tell you
what my idea is.

I think the kitchen
should be white.

Outside green, inside
cerise with blue...

The painting, I say. How
about the painting, Ravelli?

All right, what do you think I talk?
That's painting.

The kitchen white,
outside green, inside cerise.

The painting. The
painting that was stolen.

Stolen?

Don't you remember
Mrs. Rittenhouse lost

a valuable Beaugard
painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember that?

No, I'm a stranger around here.
I no remember that.

What do you think I am,
one of the early settlers?

Ravelli,
don't you remember,

Mrs. Beaugard lost a valuable
Rittenhouse painting worth $100,000?

Don't you remember that?

No, but I've seen you
someplace before.

Well, I don't know
where I was,

but I'll stay out of
there in the future.

Hey, Cap, it come
to me like a flash!

This painting
wasn't stolen. Huh!

You know
what happened?

This painting, Cap,
is disappear.

Vanish.
Yes, it disappear.

And you know what make it disappear?
You'll never guess, Cap.

What do you think make this
painting disappear, eh?

Moths! Moths eat it!
Left-handed moths.

Go away. Go away. I'll be
all right in a minute.

Left-handed moths
ate the painting, eh?

That's my own solution.

I wish you were in it.

Left-handed moths
ate the painting.

You know, I'd buy you a parachute
if I thought it wouldn't open.

Hey, I got
pair of shoes.

That's crazy.

Come on, let's get out and get the reward.
We solved it.

You solved it! The
credit is all yours.

The painting was eaten
by a left-handed moth.

Hey, I know, we did
a good day's work.

How do you feel? Tired?
It's worth it.

Maybe you ought to lie down for
a couple of years, eh? Well...

Why don't you just lie down
until rigor mortis sets in?

Yeah. That's nothing.
Come on, Ravelli.

I'll show you how we get
the painting. Yeah.

We go to court and we get out
a writ of habeas corpus.

You're gonna
get rid of what?

Oh, I should never have started that way.
I can see that.

I say, we'll go to court and we'll
get a writ of habeas corpus.

Yeah, scorpus,
scorpus.

Didn't you ever
see a habeas corpus?

No, but I see
Habeas Irish Rose.

Hey, it's okay.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Mr. Chandler,

why don't you go down to
the beach with the others?

I'm sure
you'd feel better.

If I had my Beaugard,
I'm sure I'd feel better.

Oh, but we're doing
everything we can.

Mrs. Rittenhouse, Mrs. Rittenhouse!
I have it.

The Beaugard!

Wonderful!
My Beaugard!

Wait, this is
not my Beaugard!

This is a rank imitation.
Where did you find it?

Why, in Mr. uh...

In Mr. Parker's
room, madam.

Parker!

One thing
is certain!

The man who made that,
stole the Beaugard!

Hives, find Mr. Parker and ask him
to come here. Certainly, madam.

Wait a minute. My men
will bring him in.

Go out and get
Mr. Parker.

Oh, what's the matter with this?

Well, look at here. You've only to
look at it once to see what it is.

It is a rank nothing!

Mother, what's wrong? I can come
in without being pulled in.

Mr. Parker, something very
mysterious has occurred.

And I'm afraid, you're the
only one who can explain.

I'd be only too
glad to if I can.

Nothing mysterious
about it.

We found this
in your room.

Now, what have you done
with the original Beaugard?

Come clean!

Come on,
out with it.

Really, I think
I would be wise...

Well, I have
nothing to say.

Except that I don't know
where the Beaugard is.

Oh, how is it we found
this in your room?

Come on!
You better come with me.

You can't take him!

Arabella!

Sing one song

For my old Kentucky home

For my old

Kentucky home

Far away

So far away

This program is coming to you
from the House of David.

He's either got that
suit on upside down

or there is
no law of gravity.

Einstein or no one.
My tie!

Oh, Captain,
what shall I do?

They're going
to arrest John.

Who's going to arrest John?
I am, Captain.

Oh, you are, eh? Well, let
me tell you something.

The first thing they teach
you at Scotland Yard

is never to arrest
an innocent man.

But he's
not innocent.

I'll have to arrest
him just the same.

By all means or nobody
will be safe here.

You can't
arrest him!

- I stole it!
- Arabella!

Don't listen to her,
Officer. I did it.

They're both lying.
I did it!

I did it with
my little hatchet.

Eh, he's crazy.
He's crazy.

I confess,
I did it.

Or maybe nobody
stole the painting.

Maybe there was
no painting.

That's right, maybe there
was no painting. I saw it.

Cut out
all the talk.

Who stole
the painting?

I did.

Good gracious!
What!

What in the...

What? You?

You took
the picture?

Where is it?

Oh, that's
a horse.

The Beaugard!
That is my Beaugard!

No, that isn't
your Beaugard.

Don't be ridiculous.

I paid $100,000
for this painting.

I know
what I bought.

Well, look at
the signature.

"John Parker."

Somebody changed it.

That is my Beaugard!

That is the Beaugard,
I tell you!

There it is!

Ah, but that one.

That has the color, the depth,
the soul of the Beaugard!

Only a master could have
produced a painting like that.

Oh, John.

You mean to tell me that you
painted that? Yes, sir.

Why, young man, you're a genius!
You're a genius!

I commission you to paint a
portrait of me immediately!

Well, you better
wait until tomorrow.

I'm gonna be
busy all day.

Get it?

You better come with
me, young fellow!

Don't take him away,
Officer.

He returned
the paintings.

Pardon me,
my name is Spaulding.

I've always wanted
to meet you.

All right. I'll let
him go this time.

But I want to give you
some advice.

You're running around with
the wrong kind of people.

You wanna
be a crook?

Oh, why don't
you go home?

He's got no home.

Go home for a few
nights and stay home.

Don't you know your poor,
old mother sits there...

...sits there
night after...

...night after night.

...waiting to hear your
steps on the stairs.

He got no stairs.

And I can see a little
light burning in...

...burning
in the window.

No, you can't. The gas
company turned it off.

What I'm telling you
is for your own good.

And if you listen
to me...

You can't go wrong.

This may
go on for years.

Now, there's
just one thing...

I can't understand what's
delaying that coffee pot.

Where's the cream?

Well, you certainly
surprised me!

Me, too. I thought he
had more than that.

It's no use giving
you any advice.

Captain, this time I'm afraid
I'll have to take him.

Come on, here!
Come on! Come on!

Oh, what's he doing?

Oh, my dear, oh!

Hey, what's
the idea?

Jamison, take a
letter to my lawyer!

No, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no, no!
Not... Oh.

Oh, to think that I've
got to go so young.

Good. Come on, now.
Let's get out of here

before they all wake up.

Hurry up! Come on, come
on, come on, come on.