All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E02_English

Here he comes.
Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise!

What's this?

Massage chair.

Jiggles away the cares
of the day, jefe.

Larry: Oh, that's great.

Now I can get rid
of Stephanie.

What's wrong
with Stephanie?

Stephanie is good,
but she's a little unreliable.

She didn't even
show up last week.

Larry, she just
had a baby.

She was pregnant?

Mmm.
Yeah.

Well, we should send her
a spoon from Tiffany's.

I-- I did that.

Great. This looks
so relaxing.

Ricardo Montalban
has one just like this.

He said this chair
is just like having sex.

Oh, great, so I'll sit in it
a couple of times,

it'll complain,
and then I'll sell it.

(laughing)

Hey. Hello, everyone.
Hi, Tom.

Sorry to interrupt.

Mr. Tom Poston
is in the house!

I have a joke
to tell you,

then I have to get back
to "Grace Under Fire"

before Brett notices
I'm gone.

Oh, go ahead, buddy,
shoot.

What is perfectly
adorable,

good as new, and has 7 tiny
little dents in it?

What?

Snow White's hymen.

(all laughing)

Is he on the show?

He just came in
to tell us that joke?

Mm-hmm.

What is the--
how do you turn this on?

You all set?
All right.
Yeah.

Fire it up.
(humming)

Ohh.

How's it feel?

What's not to feel?

I can't wait
to turn over.

This is great.
Heh heh.

Well, you've been
a little tense lately.

I think those days
are over.

Show's been going good.

Yeah.
Guests have been good,

monologues
have been good.

Life is sweet, Artie.

Thank you.

How's that?
No, lower.

There you go.
That's it.

Morning, Hank.

Artie, oh, I'm glad
you're here,

'Cause I want you
to hear this.

Okay.

Attention, everyone.
Everyone?

Good, uh, Hank has
an announcement

he'd like to make.

Hank?

Good morning.

Uh, most of you here know me
as Hank Kingsley, sidekick.

Or perhaps Hank Kingsley,
spokesperson.

Even Hank Kingsley, friend.

But from today on,

it would mean
so much to me

if each of you referred to me
as Hank Lepstein.

What?
Okay. Hank Lepstein.

Could we take a walk
to your office for a moment?

Did I-- did I
do something?
I'm not sure.

This is more along the lines
of a preemptive strike.

Why the mezuzah?
Why this?

Oh, well, this?
This is called a chai,

Yeah.
and it's the Hebrew symbol...

Both: For life.
Yes, I know
what it is.

When did you become
one of the chosen people?

Well, actually this weekend.

This is real.
My life has changed.

You see, I--
I bumped into Marvin Hamlisch.
He's a sweet guy.

He's a genius guy.

Not so pretty,
but awfully sweet.

Sit down.
Let's talk about it.

Well... it turns out

that we were standing
in front of Marvin's synagogue.

And he said "Well, you want to
go in for services?"

I was born a Jew.

Yeah?
Yeah.

But I've hidden it
all my life.

First in school,
so I wouldn't get beat up.

And then in show business,

so I wouldn't
alienate my public.

Artie...

I walked into that temple,

and a-- a spirit just--
it filled me.

And all of a sudden I realized
how empty my life has become.

You know, the drinking,
the gambling, and the cheap sex,

and I mean--
oh, what a waste of time.

Why don't you just
lie down there,

I'll get you a cold cloth,
you poor bastard.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-- I'm fine.

It's just that--
the thing is...

I want to regain...
my faith.

I want to rejoin
my people.

I-- I mean, I've just
wasted so many years

and the rabbi is coming here
this afternoon to talk to me.

The rabbi's
coming here?

Isn't that great?

Hank,
I'm happy for you.

You know, I've worked
for your people a long time.

They run this town.

They run it
a hell of a lot better
than the Asians.

Wow, thank you.
That's so very kind.

Why don't you do us
all a big favor?

Just keep it
to yourself.

Why?

'Cause this is television,

and we're just trying
to entertain people.

Morality's just gonna
get in the way.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I think you're overreacting.

Okay.

Well...

let's put it this way.

You got people in an office
discussing religion,

it separates them.

Now you take
our little group.

Phil is a Buddhist.

Phil-- I didn't know that.

That's exactly my point.

Beverly is a Christian,
Paula's an Atheist,

but we all join hands

to put this show together
every night.

And I don't want you
to fuck that up.

What religion is Larry?

Larry's a talk show host.

Shalom, baby.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Hank.

How are you?

Uh, good.
How are you?

I'm fine.

Uh, listen, I wanted
to ask you about a, uh,

about the sketch
you wrote,

about the one-size-
that-fits-all condom.

Yeah, what about it?

I'd like you
to change it.

Change it?

I-- I just feel awkward
appearing in something

that treats sexual
promiscuity among teens

in such
a cavalier manner.

(laughs)
That's hilarious.

Let me get that down.

Hey, I'm not
pitching a joke, asshole.

My rabbi is coming by
this afternoon,

plans on staying
to see the show.

I'm not gonna participate
in this kind of material.

(laughing)
Stop it, you're killing me.

Okay, rabbi is
coming by the show--

What makes you think
this is so funny?

You're not even Jewish.

I am Jewish.

No, you're not.
I am Jewish.

No, you're not.
I am Jewish!

When we did the dyslexic
accountant sketch last month,

you complained to me because it
made you look too Jewish.

Yes, well,
people can change, Phil.

This is called
spiritual growth.

Well, I'm sorry.
This is called disbelief,

because most Jewish people
that I know are smart.

Well, at least
I'm smart enough

not to worship
a-- a god that sits

in the middle of
a Chinese restaurant

with a sign that says,
"Rub my belly for luck."

Um, Hank.
Yes?

Is your rabbi coming here
to the show?

Yes.

Okay, well,
that is not fair.

Because the pastor
from my church
wanted to come,

but Artie asked me
not to invite him.

Could you guys
take this outside?
Hank: Pfft!

Brian: Hank?
Yes?

Rabbi Klein is here
for the tour.

A tour?
Wait a minute.

How is it that your rabbi
gets to have some tour?

Well, I am sure
that you would agree

that a rabbi
fits more nicely

into a show business
environment.

Oh, and what is that
supposed to mean?

It doesn't mean anything!

Artie, how is it that--
that Hank's rabbi

gets to come
and see the show
and have a tour

and my pastor can't?

Are we having
a rally in here?

Phil is supposed
to be writing.

Thank you.

I'm leaving.
Remember what I said.

Oh, oh, boy.

Beverly, sweetie,
I apologize.

You can bring your pastor
here any time you like.

Sorry, Artie,
too late.

You know, I'm sorry, Artie.

I just can't believe he's
pushing this whole

religion thing
in everyone's face.

Well, Phil, I can't believe
you're a comedy writer,

but we have to
take them both on faith.

And now, because you're my
special guest this afternoon,

Rabbi Klein!

I'm so embarrassed.

No, you shouldn't be.
You're-- you're a natural.

Oh, god.
This is so exciting.

Uh-huh.
Thank you
for this tour.

No, no, thank you.

Thank you for
opening my eyes.

Now this is--
this is my couch.

Mm-hmm.
Would you like
to have a sit?

Thanks, Hank. Yeah.

Ooh! You know,
this would--

this would be
a real good place

to hide the matzo
on Passover.

It sure would.
(chuckles)

Hank, you have been
blessed with a gift.

And with so much talent.

Thank you.
It-- it is wonderful
you get to share it

with so many people.

Thank you-- you know,
you're talented, too.

No, when I saw you in front
of that congregation,

the passion
in your voice

and the--
the way you commanded
everyone's attention,

I think rabbis
are so wise

and-- and so good.

And they let
you guys marry.

Right?
That's right.

Well, that's so healthy

because Catholic priests
can't do that,

which is why I believe so many
of them have prostate problems.

I really want to join
your temple, Rabbi Klein.

Well, I'm very glad
to hear that.

Do you observe
the sabbath?

In what way?

Do you go to temple
on Friday nights

and refrain
from all work?

Oh, no, no.
No, I mean,

because we have
the show every night.

Oh.
And-- and--
and Friday nights,

well, that's
a big night for us,

because we usually
have a band.
Yeah.

And keep kosher?

No.

You observe
the high holidays, though?

Uh, Yom Kippur
and the 4th of July.

(laughs)

As a Jew
I'm not very good.

Well, as a Jew
you're almost a methodist.

You know, Hank,
this is a big decision.

It requires a deep,
deep commitment.

I know.

And also a purity
of intention.

Okay.

Are your intentions pure?

Oh, yes.

And... we'll work
on the rest?

Absolutely.

Then I would be honored
to have you

as a member of our synagogue.

Thank you.
Thank you, Rabbi Klein.

You know, I have
a little something for you.

Oh, no, that's--

Yes.

(emotionally)
Thank you.

Thank you,
Rabbi Klein.

I have to tell you,
I feel very strange

just calling you
Rabbi Klein all the time.

Well, then,
call me Susan.

Well, Susan,
I have to tell you

that, uh,
after all this time, I--

I feel like I'm coming home
again or something.
Oh.

You have soft skin.

I mean-- I mean,
for a rabbi.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Artie:
Uh, Hank...

Hank, rehearsal
in 15 minutes.

Oh, uh, Artie,
come over here.

I want you
to meet somebody.

Artie, this is Susan.

Pleasure to
meet you, Susan.
Likewise.

Please don't have sex
with Hank before the show.

It makes
his blood sugar drop.

(laughs)
Artie.

Artie,
this is my rabbi.

(stammering)
Oh, rabbi, I meant
no disrespect.

Forgive me.
It's okay, really.

Hank, may I have
a word with you?

You know, should I go?
I don't want to be in the way.

I'm sure you all have
a lot of work to do.

Absolutely not,
rabbi.

We're thrilled
to have you here. Hank?

Thank you, Artie.

You're very welcome.
Now get rid of her.

Well, she's staying
to watch the show.

Well, then, put her
in the green room.

Larry's on his way to rehearse
"Larry's Funny Photos."

Religion makes him
very uncomfortable.

Welcome back.

And tonight,
you are in for a treat

because it's time again
for "Larry's Funny Photos."

(drum roll)
Or as I like to call it,

"Larry's Funny Photos."

Let's get started.

"Scientists using the latest
available technology

"were able to
give us a first look

at Boris Yeltsin's
inner child."

(audience laughing)
(laughing)

What are you doing?
You all right?

I'm-- I'm supporting you
with my laughter.

Well, you are always
there for me,

Thank you.
and therein
lies the problem.

You know, you've--
you've reminded me of something

that I-- I read
from the Talmud today.

"A friend loveth
at all times,

but, um, a brother
is born for adversity."

We'll be right back...

and, uh,
no flipping.

(cheers, applause)
(jazz music playing)

Man: Clear!

Look, isn't that--

you're gonna wear that
the whole show?

Yeah.
Is that okay?

Well, it's a little
distracting.

I don't think so.
I mean, it--

A little distracting.
I think
it might even help.

I do, I mean, Sally Field wore
her hat on "The Flying Nun"

and look at that.
That was a big show.

That was-- that was
a show about a flying nun.

You're Catholic, huh?

No! Larry
is not Catholic.

It's odd, you know.
I've known you for so long--

I mean, 15 years.

I actually don't know
what religion you are.

That's a private matter.
Artie?

You believe in god?
That is-- Artie?

You're in the middle
of a show, buster.
Artie?

You know, Artie--
gee, the show's been going great

I think so.
and I love my new chair.

Please, please,
take care of this.

You got it.

Take that off.

All right, I will meet you
at the coke machine

after the show.

You behave yourself.

That-- that is inside out,
by the way.

Man: In five...

(music ends)

Okay, we're back.

I want to thank
those of you at home

for inviting me
into your living room,

and a little later
I'd like to tour

the rest
of the place.

(laughing)

Why can't you just
take it off for the show?

All right, just try
looking at it this way.

You're a Dodgers fan, right?
Yeah.

Okay, and sometimes
you wear a Dodgers cap.

But I'm not
wearing one right now!

I-- I am on God's team,
and this is God's cap.

And besides, I am-- I am looking
at the postseason.

Okay, I know
how excited you are

about this whole
religion thing.

Hell, when I was 12,
I got baptized,

and I didn't shut up about it
until a year later

when I got laid.

I had no idea that you were
a religious man, Artie.

That's because I talk to the man
upstairs on my own time

and not in the middle
of "Larry's Funny Photos."

All right,
I'm going to try to limit

my religious references
on the air.

Good.
But I intend to wear

this yarmulke at all times

in accordance
with Jewish law.

By the way, is there
any chance of me

not working on Fridays?

You keep this shit up,

there's a chance you might not
work the entire week.

God bless you,
Artie.
Mazel tov.

I'm so relieved
that Hank has finally come out.

What do you mean?
Well, don't you remember
at last year's Christmas party?

He insisted on being
Santa Claus

Oh.
and then he made sure
that everybody saw

that he was eating the ham.

He even made sure
that he left early
for midnight Mass.

That's right.
It was all part
of the cover up.

Larry:
Beverly?

Somebody's been
sitting in my chair.

(laughs)
Did they also
eat your porridge, too?

You know, like "Goldilocks
and the Three Bears."

Oh, right. Beverly,
somebody has been
sitting in my chair.

Yes, Larry.
Would you please
send out a memo

to tell them not to.

I-- I certainly will.

Thank you.

Arthur, we already heard
from the sponsors on this.

They feel that our programming

should not be linked
to any one faction.

Well, I don't exactly
mean faction--

What she means is,
they want our appeal

to be nondenominational,
and we agree.

Well, I've spoken to Hank
about this,

and I've explained
the problem,

but you should know
he feels very strongly

about expressing
his religious freedom.

And we're sensitive
to that.

But the fact is
that we are not
"The 700 Club."

We are
a commercial network,

and we're in the business
of making money.

I couldn't agree more
with you, Stu, but...

if we don't
handle this properly,

it's gonna bite us
right on the ass.

(door opens)
Hank.

Hello, Melanie.

Hey, sit down, buddy.
Thank you.

Um, it's--
you seem a little upset.

No, no, not at all.

I, uh, just didn't expect you,
that's all.

(Hank chuckles)
I bet you didn't.
Hello, Stu.

Well, I-- I just thought,
you know, uh,

well, this meeting
just might be about me.

So if it is,
I think I should be here,

but go ahead,
don't let me interrupt.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Hank, uh...

there are some concerns
about you

wearing your yarmulke
on the show.

We simply do not feel
it's appropriate.

But you're-- you're Jewish,
aren't you, Stu?

Yes, I am, but I am
behind the camera,

where the viewing public
cannot see me.

Melanie:
Hank.

The audience thinks
of performers as--

well, as their friends.
People just like themselves.

And if they find out
that you're different,

they might just
go get new friends.

We live in a racist society.

Even behind the camera,
apparently.

You know what you are, Stu?

You're an Uncle Tom.

Don't act
like a schmuck.

Boy, well,
when it comes out,

it just pours out,
doesn't it?

Hank, Hank,
I apologize for Stu.

I think we can all agree

that we're under a lot
of pressure right now.

Well, maybe you guys
can, uh,

cave to
society's pressure,

but, uh, not Hank Lepstein.

Who's Hank Lepstein?

Me. I am Hank Lepstein.

Stu, the fall schedule sucks.

He changed his name.

Well, my buddy, John Cougar,

he changed back
to his real name, Mellencamp.

Let's not make
a big deal out of this.

Yes, but, Arthur,
there's only one difference.

Yeah?

This is a big deal.

What you're saying is that,
when you're not here,

people come in
and they sit in your chair.

Right.
Okay.

Well, why don't you
just lock the doors?

No, I can't-- I can't
lock the doors,

'cause then I would look
paranoid.

So I just want to put
a lock on the chair.

A lock. I can't put
a lock on the chair.

Well, or something.

Um, you know what I can do?

I can pull a line
off the heating element,

and then when somebody
comes in to sit on it...

they get a shock.

Uh, I couldn't do that.
What?

It wouldn't kill them.

They just come walking in,
you know?

You're not here, obviously,
and they sit in it.

And they just get a little--
(mimics shock)

little butt hummer.

Really?

And it works.

You know, ask my kids.

Okay.

Sounds good.

(mimics shock)

(both laugh)

No, I'm sorry.
I-- I--

I can't do it.

Ah, shit, Hank.
Why are you being so stubborn?

Uncle Miltie never wore
a yarmulke on his show

and neither did Jack Benny.

Okay, Sammy wore it,
but that was part
of his shtick.

You'll get this yarmulke

when you pry it off
my cold, dead head.

You listen to me, buddy.

You're putting us
all in jeopardy here.

Now take it off
and put it in your pocket.

I will not.

America's just gonna have
to get used to this.

(audience applauds)

I thought you were taking care
of this problem with Hank.

I'm on it.

Yeah, well, listen, Artie,
the show's been going well.

I love my new chair.

Please, I'm asking you
for the last time,

take care of this.
Don't give it
another thought.

Have a good show.

Don't worry.

And we're back.

You've come on a terrific night.
Welcome back.

Um, my next guests

are making their very first
appearance on the show.

And we're--
Uh, you know,

in my faith,
we have a prayer

that commemorates when something
happens for the first time.

Oh.
Do you want
to hear it?

Not right now.
Let's get to the band,

because it's their
first time on

and they have a new CD,

which is called
"Factory Showroom,"
Mm-hmm.

on Elektra Records,

and they're performing
the song "S-E-X-X-Y."

Please welcome
They Might Be Giants.

(cheering and applause)

(rock music playing)

♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪

♪ More than enough ♪

♪ Around the clock
with nobody else ♪

♪ S-E-X-X-Y ♪

♪ There she is... ♪

Hank, I reached Rabbi Klein.
She's in the corner.

♪ Cookie in one hand... ♪

Good band, eh?

♪ On her hand,
S-E-X-X-Y... ♪

Thank you.

Thank you
for coming.

Uh, could you
excuse us?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Hank.

Be careful,
she's a hot box here.

All right. Ah, they're just
giving me so much pressure,

and I just wanted
some emotional support.

Well, I'm here to help
any way I can.

No one wants me to wear
the yarmulke on the show.

But I'm standing tough.
I'm standing tough.

Like the-- like the Hebrews
at Masada.

All right.
Well, you know,

let me try to put this
in perspective:

The yarmulke and
the wearing of the yarmulke,

it's a very important
symbolic gesture,

but it's just a gesture.

Your spirituality
comes from within.

You are fantastic.

You are...
Hank...

You never met Hank Kingsley,

and I'm very glad
for that

because he was talented,

and, well, he was
pretty darn charming,

but other than that,
there was no one there.

And now you got a chance
to meet the-- the new Hank--

the proud, the strong,
the Jewish Hank.

I have-- I have so much
more to give now, Susan.

Right, to the temple.

I'm very attracted
to you.

I am, and, uh...

I would just like
the opportunity to explore

that attraction to see where
it takes us.

That's very sweet
of you, Hank,

but I think
what you're doing is

you're confusing
your spiritual awakening

with an attraction to me.

No, no, no, I--
no, I'm not.

I'm interested in you.

Not-- not the rabbi,
but the woman.

Okay, then speaking
as a woman, um...

I'm very flattered,
but I'm not interested.

Yeah, that sounds like a woman.

I mean, uh--

I'm sorry, Hank, it--

I mean, you are
a really nice guy.

You're just not my type.

Okay.

I don't want to--
Ah, oh, oh.

I got it.

I'll see you at services?

♪ "X" because it's extra, baby ♪

♪ "Y" because
it's extra, baby ♪

♪ You gotta understand ♪

♪ She wants to be
your man ♪

♪ She's got another plan ♪

(audience applauds)

(knock on door)

(door opens)

Hank?

Can I come in?
Sure.

Um...

Hank, I just wanted
to apologize

for the way I acted
the other day.

I mean, I think it's wonderful
that you found your faith.

Hmm. I feel like
I've really been tested,

and now my faith is
actually stronger.

Well, that's what
having faith is all about.

You know, um, I grew up
in a small town,

and we were the only blacks
on our street.

And, um, some of the people,
they were really very nice

and-- and some others, well,

they couldn't live with the fact
that we were black.

Really?
Yeah.

And, um, you know
what pulled me through?

It was my faith.

I mean, not that keeping it
hasn't been a struggle.

I've stumbled,

but I have the wisdom
that comes with knowing.

Hmm.

Knowing...?

Knowing God.

Oh, yes, of course.

You know, Hank,
you gotta rise above it all.

You got to have courage.

And I know
you have that.

(softly)
Thank you--
what is that scent?

That is wonderful.
What is that?

Uh, Eternity.

It's wonderful.
Thanks.

Beverly, would you
like to, uh...

What?

Never mind.

No, what.
Nothing.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Right on, sister.

Oh, Hank?

I'm really sorry about
those nasty letters you got.

What nasty letters?

Oh, uh, nothing.

You know, Larry, he gets those
crazy things in the mail, too.

Brian, bring in
my mail, please.

Hank, before you read
any of these,

I want you to know
that I support you

and the stand
that you've taken.

Just read my mail.

Okay.

"Dear Jew,

"you keep wearing
your Jew hat,

"because I can use it
as a target

when I blow
your Jew head off."

Wow, this guy's
a real nut case, eh?

Read another one.

Oh.

Maybe-- maybe not
that one.

(clears throat)

"Dear bar mitzvah head"--

Well, that's
a clever start.

"I will not buy
your orange Jews ever again."

What the hell
are "orange Jews"?

Maybe he's referring
to the orange juice
you endorse.

Oh, no.

No, not the orange juice.

Well, that can't be happening.

No-- my contract's up
for renewal.

(knock on door)

Hank, I'm between
a rock and a hard place.

The network doesn't want you
to wear the yarmulke.

Well, that's all
I needed to hear.

It's gone.

Bad mail?
Mm-hmm.

Hey, good morning, Artie.

Hey, how you doing, Hank?

You won't believe it.

I had the most amazing thing
happen last night.

I took this walk

and I bumped
into Steven Spielberg.

Oh, sweet guy.

Next to Marvin Hamlisch,
the sweetest.

Well, it turns out

that he goes to the Synagogue
for the Performing Arts.

It's reformed.
Male rabbi?

You got it.

You should have seen
who was there.

Don Rickles, Joel Grey,
Bob Saget,

who, by the way,
is also very sweet

once you get past
all the dick jokes.

That's what
the Olsen twins say.

And Rickles told me about
this great lobster place.

I'm gonna take you there.

You're on.

Larry:
Morning.

Good morning,
o handsome one!

Oh, you look
so well-rested and relaxed!

I gotta tell you, I think that
chair's changed my life.

(screams, whimpering)

My ass feels like
it's on fire!

I thought it was Phil.

(theme music playing)