All language subtitles for The Larry Sanders Show s01e10 Party.eng

How many people are here for their first
television taping you ever been to?

Can I see your hands?

Okay, very good.
Now, this is how it works.

Okay, ready? Now, first,
you take off your clothes.

No, no.
But seriously...

we couldn't do the show
without you, gang...

so thank you for coming
on down here tonight.

Let me ask you a favor.

When I say three,
you give me a "hey now."

Ready?
One, two, three...

- Hey now!
- That's fantastic.

Now, you see these applause signs...
Or does that say "applesauce"?

No, that says "applause."
Okay.

Come on.
Let's hear it, gang.

- Hey now!
- Stay, huh?

- I really should get going.
- Jeannie!

What a delightful surprise
to have you on the show.

We're on in 60 seconds. I hope that's
what you're planning on wearing.

This tie? You like it?
Doesn't make my butt look fat, does it?

- It's gonna be a hot show tonight.
- Hot show.

- Stay?
- No, I'm gonna go.

I'd be delighted to stash her
in the green room.

Terrific!

Forty seconds, Larry.
Let's go.

- Forty seconds, Marty.
- Well?

Better go find
some good jokes.

- And now because he owns the place...
- You know what?

- Larry Sanders!
- Give Marty a touch-up too.

Thank you.

Thank you.
All kidding aside...

Well, really,
I haven't felt...

I haven't felt this up
since last night.

All right. So...

Actually, I never felt old.
I gotta tell you what happened.

I'm watching television,
and Gilligan... Bob Denver...

is doing a commercial
here in Los Angeles...

on a local cable station
for a boat shop.

And Bob Denver... Gilligan...
is, like, 70 now.

It just wasn't attractive.

He was still wearing
the red sweater and the sailor hat.

I'm going, " Oh, jeez.
Well, at least he's off the island."

Bill Clinton
announced today...

that he would make some major changes
at the White House if elected.

He would change...
In the Lincoln bedroom...

he would put
a water bed in.

Aha. He's laughin'.

- Yeah.
- He fucked it up.

The joke doesn't work unless he ends
with the words "adjustable beds."

- His timing really sucks tonight.
- He's off.

And running in what looks
like another wonderful show.

- Hi, Mrs. Sanders.
- Hi.

- A very funny monologue tonight.
- Yeah, he is on.

This is as on as I've seen him
in a long time.

- Very strong stuff.
- Let's go watch at the monitors by the...

- Toilet?
- Toilet. Excuse me.

Toilet monitor
is busted, boys.

- He's a funny man. Funny, funny man.
- Yes.

- Lucky us.
- Yeah.

So how's Elaine?

She's halfway to her ideal weight,
whatever that's supposed to mean.

It's so much fun
having you here at the show.

I really do wish we could
see you more often. So enjoy.

Well, you and Elaine
should come over sometime.

- Where?
- The house.

- Where's that?
- You've never been to the house before?

Not that I recall.
I have no mental picture.

Oh, God. Why don't you come
over for dinner sometime?

- Right. That'll be fun sometime.
- Really. Tomorrow night.

Tomorrow?

That's very kind of you.
I'll have to check with my better half.

Splendid book, John.
Beautiful pictures.

Wonderful, wonderful.

- Larry, can I ask you something?
- Sure.

Your wife invited Elaine and me
to dinner tomorrow.

- What restaurant are we going to?
- Your house.

Your House? What is that,
a new Chinese place?

No, it's your house,
the place where you live.

- The place I sleep in?
- If this makes you uncomfortable...

I know how you value
your privacy.

- Elaine and I can have other plans.
- Do you?

Well, good. No, I think it would
be fun to have dinner.

- Don't you?
- Absolutely.

Good.
All right, Artie.

- Be there or be square.
- I can do both.

- Honey, it won't be like work.
- It will. It'll be a pain in the ass.

I'll be sitting on a couch,
talking to people, entertaining...

without being able to say,
"We'll be right back."

- It'll be great!
- It will not be.

Oh, honey. Look, it's just
one evening, right?

Two people
for four hours?

That's one person every two hours,
half a person every hour.

All right,
if you put it that way.

But don't let Artie make these drinks.
They're half salt, half vodka.

Swear to God,
the olive floats at the top.

Ladies, I cannot go
to the meeting tonight.

What, you have a date? You cannot
cancel Sister Circle for a man.

That is such the reason
that we even go there.

It's not a man.
It's Larry.

He invited Arthur and his wife for
dinner. He wants me to come as a buffer.

- He invited you to his home for dinner?
- Yeah.

Has anyone ever been
to Larry's house for dinner?

- Not that I know of.
- That's weird. There must be a reason.

I gotta go, but I'm really
sorry about the meeting.

She's getting a promotion.

Damn it!

- Are we still going to Sister Circle?
- Whatever!

Beverly's being elevated?

Oh, yes, I remember.

We discussed that.
What has Larry decided?

I thought maybe
a segment producer.

It's all happening
at his house?

His actual house, huh?

That's...

interesting.

Come in.

I hope you're sitting down.

Oh, jeez.
I am sitting down.

Well, then don't get up...

because I have here...

two tickets for tonight's
Holyfield-Bowe fight...

and I would like
to bring...

you:

Let me see 'em.
That's great. Let me see 'em.

Let me see 'em.

Come on, Hank.

Let me see.

This is...

These are vitamins.

Please invite me
to your party.

I don't have any tickets.
There are no tickets.

Hank, I was just going to
invite you when you came in.

Hey now!
Well, I accept.

I am... I'm very honored...

and I would never miss
a Larry Sanders event.

Half past 8:00.

Excuse me. And Beverly can
give me the address, right?

- Beverly, give it to him.
- I told you. We just talked about this.

Give Shauna a buzz
and see if she's free tonight.

- Smoke House?
- Oh, no.

You tell her it's a big
Larry Sanders shindig...

a real time-of-your-life
blowout.

You tell her everybody's
gonna be there.

You know, Darlene,
why don't you come?

No. It's been a long week,
and, by God, you deserve it.

- I wasn't invited.
- Hey.

Hank'll make it right.

Hi, Jeannie.
Bev again.

Yeah, it's up
to eight people.

You better make that nine.

Yeah, why don't we just say ten,
and... No, I promise.

Come in.

Oh, hi.
Where's Beverly?

- She's at lunch. Can I talk to you?
- You don't mind if I eat?

No.

Listen.

Is there some kind of
communication problem between us...

or some problem you have
with the way I do my job?

I'm really sorry to get
so emotional, but...

there is no justice in Beverly
being promoted ahead of me.

That just doesn't
make sense to me.

As the talent booker,
I work hands-on with the people.

That's like a segment producer. To be
blunt, she's like a glorified secretary.

Who said Beverly's getting promoted?

You don't have to say it. The dinner
invitation kind of speaks volumes.

Oh, shit.
That fuckin' dinner.

For once I try and join my
personal life with my work life.

- I am havin' fuckin' dinner. Jesus!
- Now you're mad at me.

I'm blowing it.
That's not why I came here.

I'm sorry.
No, it's me. Listen.

In my own unique way,
I was trying to invite you...

to what I believe will be
a very fun dinner.

- Really?
- Yes, and I'd love for you to be there.

- Will you please come?
- Yes.

Good.
Now, please, go.

Well, it's up to 12.

Well, 14,
to be on the safe side.

Would you not invite any more people?
Jeez, it's my dinner.

It's my house, my sofa.

Right.
Larry Sanders has spoken.

I'm gonna bring my tarot cards
tonight and do your wife.

- I'm so excited about your party.
- Thank you, Darlene.

But just the tarot reading
will be fine.

Darlene, would you please
keep this to yourself?

We want to keep this thing small,
so if anybody else asks, just keep...

Hello.

Oh, Larry!
What should I bring tonight? Ice?

Chips? Salt!

- Phil, you know, I've got this...
- Ulcer?

- Party.
- Oh!

Right off
of Benedict Canyon.

Jeannie, look, I have only
one word for you... catering.

We have to keep it down
tonight, honey.

I don't want Martin Mull to
come over to see what's goin' on.

I hate the way he's always
gotta know what's goin' on.

- Do I look all right?
- Sure, you look great.

Honey.

- Is that dressy enough?
- It's lace!

- Good! It's perfect.
- What are you doing?

Nothing.

You're putting everything
we own into a box.

Just a couple of things,
like Aquarium Digest.

I don't think they need to know
this kind of information.

- What about this picture?
- You're in a toga.

- So what? It's adorable. Leave it out.
- All right, leave it out.

You'll see they poke around
like it's some museum.

Then they'll decide we're not
as happy as Burt Reynolds and Loni.

That's all I'm gonna be hearing.

Why would they think
that we were unhappy?

Because they project.
They're unhappy, and they project.

- Sarah, could you bring Larry a drink?
- I don't want a drink.

They'll smell it on my breath,
and they'll think that I drink.

- You do drink.
- You do. I do not drink.

You know, I'm the one
who should be nervous.

I don't even know these people,
and I am relaxed.

Goody for you.

Hello. Did you clean out
the medicine chest?

- No. All we have is...
- God!

Thanks.

Ooh, you're not
my beautiful wife.

Hey, hey, welcome.
No dates?

- We were having Chinese.
- We were watching Ghost.

Ghost? Ghost is
Larry's favorite movie.

- Is that right?
- Well, that is not true.

It is! You cry
every time at the end...

when he finishes with his mission on
Earth and has to go back to heaven.

- I do not!
- It's so sweet.

- It's really sad.
- Really.

Just thinking about it makes me...
Bar's this way?

Help yourselves. Honey!

- Hey, boys.
- Hey.

You two look like
you need a Salty Dog.

Thank you.

Kid bartender doesn't
even know the proportions.

Just because Cheers was a hit,
every asshole thinks he can mix a drink.

Excuse me a sec.

- Is that a Martin Mull painting?
- Yeah, it is.

Do you think he gave it to Larry?

No, Larry paid for it.
Cost him a few thousand dollars too.

- A few thousand dollars?
- That's right.

- It's not that funny.
- Hey, girls.

- We were just wondering how...
- You and Larry met.

- How you met.
- Oh, it's a great story.

- I wrote some party jokes for you.
- You what?

I wrote some party jokes for you
to use throughout the night.

- You wrote some party jokes?
- Yes.

- That's ridiculous.
- Take 'em.

Honey.

The girls want to hear
the story of how we met.

- Oh, you tell 'em, honey.
- No!

- You tell them.
- You tell them. You're better than me.

- Come on. We met in Aspen.
- That's it. We met in Aspen.

We were both beginning skiers.
We met on the T-bar.

He asked me out
the first night.

- That's it. That is it.
- No, come on. What's next.

Then, of course, that night
he wanted to have sex.

I said no, so we ended up
dry-humping on the couch all week.

- He's an animal.
- That is not... I am an animal.

I'm an animal, huh, Artie?
I'm an animal.

- Definitely an animal.
- It's a great story.

I gotta pee real bad.

Hey, would you mind using
the bathroom downstairs?

- Martin.
- Larry.

- Hey, is the noise bothering you?
- No.

I just saw more than one car,
so I got to thinking...

- "That's not right."
- Just having a party.

- I'm okay. Havin' a party.
- You're okay?

Come on. Seriously. If there's
something wrong, you can...

I'm havin' a party.
I'm just, you know...

- Some people over from the show.
- You're having a party?

- So it's not like it's friends.
- People from the show.

- Is that onion dip?
- Yeah.

Didn't scrimp on anything,
did ya?

- If that noise gets too bad...
- You can write this all off.

- Come on in.
- That's fine.

No, you see, when I was a kid...

I used to say, "Hey."

And then later,
I said, "Now."

But I never put it together
until much later.

- Are you talking about "Hey now"?
- Yes.

Because I have always
wondered about that.

Which writer came up
with "Hey now"?

- Hank did.
- It's brilliant. Really!

Have you ever thought
about changing it?

- No.
- Just listen to this, okay?

Instead of saying,
"Hey now!"...

you'd say, "Come here!"

Try it.
Just give it a try.

Come here.

- It's wonderful! It's wonderful!
- No, it's good.

- It is!
- I like it.

That is what you can use
if the show goes off the air.

What do you mean, when the show...
What show goes off the air?

Larry's always talking about moving
to Montana, leaving the business.

- The show's goin' off the air?
- Building or something up there.

- She's kidding.
- No. Really

She's not well.
Excuse us.

- Is something wrong?
- You're telling people about our lives.

- What are you talking about?
- About dry-humping, Aspen, Montana.

- You were spying on me?
- I was standing nearby.

- I embarrass you.
- You do not embarrass me.

- I just want you to be yourself.
- I am being myself.

I will tell you
when I am being myself.

- I thought these were your friends.
- Work friends.

Excuse me.
I'm from Chicago.

When we have parties, we invite
actual friends and we have fun.

And we talk about
whatever comes up.

You should give me
a list of what I can't say.

Maybe I should give you... Keep it down.
They will think we're fighting.

- We are fighting!
- We are supposed to be hosting a party.

I do not want them to know
that we are in here fighting.

- Are you coming?
- Give me a minute.

By the way, it was you
who wanted it in Aspen.

You were going,
"Hi. Nice to meet you."

What is this?
You know that's not true!

- It's a toga.
- Must be a white thing.

No, I don't get it either.
It's a stupid thing.

- What the... Get out!
- What the...

- What is that?
- I don't know...

but as soon as I finish
this Salty Dog...

I'm gonna rip that camera from
his hands and tear him a new A-hole.

All right.
Havin' a good time?

All right, all right.
Listen.

- Where's Jeannie? Still changing?
- She is still changing.

- Listen, I don't understand women.
- I agree. Here. Have a Salty Dog.

- No, I...
- Drink it, you pussy.

No, no.
I had a lovely time.

It's just that, you know,
Shauna's a little tired...

That is something
more than tired, Hank.

- She's overtired.
- Yes. Yeah.

You don't need to ask
my permission to leave.

Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.

The thing is,
see, our coats?

- Yeah?
- They're in the bedroom...

and, well,
the bedroom door is locked.

- Jeannie is in the bedroom.
- She's in there changing.

- She's changing in there.
- I understand.

- All she's doing is changing.
- Okay.

- I'll get your coats.
- Thank you. Thank you.

You're a pal.

Jeannie, come on.

Come on. Can we
talk about this, please?

Could we talk about this, please?
Come on.

Listen, don't do this.
Don't do this.

Open the door.

It's Larry. It's Larry.

It's Larry.

- Did you say something to her?
- I knocked on the door.

She was... She wasn't
even in there.

But she's crying.

She is... has fallen asleep.

- You want me to say something to her?
- No. She's asleep.

- I'm gonna go. I don't need my coat.
- All right.

I didn't even like that coat.

- No, I'll get that stuff.
- Except car keys.

- I can give you a ride.
- That's great!

I never put my keys in the bedroom,
in case someone gets in a sleepy mood.

- I didn't want my keys anyway.
- It's better this way.

No, it's not better this way.
This is bullshit. I want my coat.

She's your wife. Could you go in there,
tell her to open the goddamn door?

Jeannie? Sweetheart?

Jeannie, the last thing
this house needs...

is tough love.

Jeannie, open this door!

Five marriages.

Now I'm going downstairs
and I'm gonna take care of that...

sack of human shit
with a camera.

- Now everybody knows our dirty laundry.
- This is about you and me.

- All you care about is what they think.
- That is not true.

- Then why are you whispering?
- I am not whispering.

It's sad that you think
you have to hide our life.

Would you please... That is what
everybody does, by the way.

- I don't want to talk to you.
- Please come out and just...

Everybody is leaving.
Could you come out?

Could you just come out
for the return of the coats?

Here's yours, here's yours,
and then it's... Just go out.

- One of those little Lady Di smiles.
- I will not.

That's all I'm asking from you. Okay.
One more fake moment and we're done.

That's all. Please?
I'll wait right here.

Please?

All right.
So we're fighting, okay?

That's it.
What, you don't...

You think we're
the only ones who fight?

Everybody fights.
Everybody has fights.

I'll bet Letterman fights with that
woman who claims to be his wife.

I don't care what you think.
I love my wife.

I don't care.
I love my wife...

and I don't care
what you think!

- Morning, Larry.
- Morning. Morning.

- Hi, Larry.
- Good morning.

- Great party.
- Great. It was great.

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