All language subtitles for Euphoria.US.S00E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10.Hi

ALI: Why didn't you call me?

Ali, what am I supposed to do
about Jules?

It's funny.
When I think about it,

I still blame Jules
for all this shit.

-ALI: Why?
-RUE BENNETT: I was clean,

and I was, like,
gonna stay clean.

And for the most part,
I was pretty happy.

And fucking Jules.

It's like she lied to me,

and, uh, manipulated me.

Talking about how we're gonna be
together forever.

And then, she ditched me.

ALI: I didn't know that.

RUE: Like the whole thing
at the train station.

Her trying to get me
to run away with her.

Please. I love you.

RUE: I didn't think
she was actually gonna go.

-You know, like leave me.
-(PHONE VIBRATES)

Therapist:
So, where do you want to start?

I don't know.

Therapist:
Okay. Why'd you run away?

("Liability" by Lorde playing)

♪ Baby really hurt me ♪

♪ Cryin' in the taxi,
he don't wanna know me ♪

♪ Says he made the big mistake
of dancing in my storm ♪

♪ Says it was poison ♪

♪ So I guess I'll go home ♪

♪ Into the arms of the girl
that I love ♪

♪ The only love
I haven't screwed up ♪

♪ She's so hard to please ♪

♪ But she's a forest fire ♪

♪ I do my best to meet
her demands ♪

♪ Play at romance,
we slow dance
in the living room ♪

♪ But all that
a stranger would see ♪

♪ Is one girl swaying alone ♪

♪ Stroking her cheek ♪

♪ They say,
"You're a little much for me ♪

♪ "You're a liability ♪

♪ You're a little much
for me" ♪

♪ So they pull back,
make other plans ♪

♪ I understand,
I'm a liability ♪

♪ Get you wild,
make you leave ♪

♪ I'm a little much for
e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪

♪ The truth is,
I am a toy that people enjoy ♪

♪ Till all of the tricks
don't work anymore ♪

♪ And then they are
bored of me ♪

♪ I know that it's exciting
running through the night ♪

♪ But every perfect summer's
eating me alive ♪

♪ Until you're gone ♪

♪ Better on my own ♪

♪ They say,
"You're a little much for me ♪

♪ "You're a liability ♪

♪ You're a little
much for me" ♪

♪ So they pull back,
make other plans ♪

♪ I understand,
I'm a liability ♪

♪ Get you wild,
make you leave ♪

♪ I'm a little much for
e-a-na-na-na, everyone ♪

♪ But they're gonna watch me
disappear into the sun ♪

♪ You're all gonna
watch me disappear ♪

♪ Into the sun ♪

Can we not talk about that?

Therapist:
Why?

(rain pattering)

I don't know.
'Cause it was just like a,

like a dumb,
not-well-thought-out plan,

and I was, like, drunk
and reacting to shit.

Therapist:
Reacting to what?

Come on, I, I really...

don't wanna talk about it.

Therapist:
Okay.

What do you want to talk about?

(inhales slowly, exhales)

I think I want to
go off my hormones.

Therapist:
Mm. Okay.

Have you been thinking a lot
about de-transitioning?

No.

Therapist:
Okay. Then what is it?

I don't know.
I've just been, like,

thinking about what's next.

Therapist:
In what sense?

(sighs)
I mean...

I don't know. I guess it's--
I guess it's interesting,

'cause, like, before I ran away,

uh, I had gone to the city
to visit some old friends,
and...

we were having
this exact conversation.

And...

Basically, um...

I feel like I've framed

my entire womanhood
around men.

When, like, in reality,

I'm no longer interested
in men.

Like, philosophically.

Like, like, what men want.

Like, what men want
is so boring.

And simple, and not creative,
and, like, uh...

I just, like,
I look at myself,
and I'm like,

how the fuck did I spend
my entire life

building this. Like...

(sighs) Like, my body,
and my personality,

and, like, my soul around

what I think men desire?

It's just, like...

it's embarrassing.

I feel like a... a fraud.

I feel like there's
a lot to unpack

within what
you just said, okay,

but the main thing I heard,

is how hard you are
on yourself.

The amount of self-criticism
you're experiencing,

it's a lot.

Yeah.

But I, I think it's necessary.

Therapist:
Are you sure?

I mean, I hope so.

Or else,

then I'm really fucking crazy.

You're not crazy, Jules.

You're just a lot harder
on yourself than you
probably should be.

Jules:
Yeah.

Acknowledging that's important.

Yeah, but, but also, like,
what I'm saying is true.

Like, without
the self-criticism,
I'd be lost.

Therapist:
Or free.

Both can be scary feelings.

You really feel like
your entire existence,

physically and emotionally,
is, is that reactive?

What do you mean?

Therapist:
That I'm not looking
or talking to Jules?

I'm looking at an avatar
she created in reaction
to the world?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm here.
You know.

But you're looking at, like,
a million layers of other people

that I've grabbed and clung to

throughout my entire life.

That's, like, that's terrifying.

It-- I mean,
that's why I think

when I was talking to
my friend about this, or...

Or...

Well, I don't, I don't know.
I guess this is, like,

this is our first session.

I don't want to get into all,
like, the childhood bullshit,

'cause it's a lot.

It's exhausting.

But when I was having this
conversation with my friend,

we were talking about how,

I feel like

my entire life,
I've been trying to
conquer femininity,

and somewhere
along the way,

I feel like femininity

conquered me.

Therapist:

What?

What was that thought?

Well...

♪

Like...

Most girls, when you first
talk to them,

they, like, automatically
analyze and compare
themselves to you.

And then, you know, they,
they search for where you fit

in their hierarchy,

and then they treat you
accordingly.

Therapist:
What hierarchy?

Like, how close you are
to what they all collectively
want to be.

Like, in their heads.

Therapist:
Right.

And, you know, even if
they've, like, mastered

the art of hiding it with,
like, smiles and nods,

and small talk, it's, like,

you'd still catch them doing it.

Like, like their eyes
wandering over your face, or...

or, you know, the quick takes
up and down your body.

Or like, they watch
how your clothes
hang off your torso,

or, like, they look for
what tags are on your clothes

to see where you shop,
or they'll watch your hands
to find, like,

fucked-up cuticles
or chipped nail polish.

Honestly, it would,

it would be a kind of
sensual experience

if it wasn't so fucking
terrifying.

So they want to find flaws.

Jules:
Yeah. Uh, most girls.

But not Rue.

Mm-mm.

What's the first thing
that comes to mind?

♪

Jules:
No girl had ever looked at me
the way Rue did.

♪

Hi.

I just, I feel like Rue
was the first girl

that didn't just look at me.

Like, she actually saw me.

Uh, I mean, not to say that
in, like, a cheesy way,

'cause it sounds cheesy, right?
Like...

Therapist:
Honestly,
it sounds like a relief.

Yeah. It...

But, I mean, like,
when I say me,

I mean, I mean the me that
I was talking about earlier.
Like...

The me that's underneath
a million layers of not me.

I can't imagine how
that must have felt.

Yeah.

Yeah, it felt good.

Kind of reminds me of how
a mom would see you.

Keep going with that thought.

Well, just like,

how a mom sees you
before you're anything.

And, like,
loves you just for that.

And all you have to do
is just, like, sit there
and exist.

Is that how your mom saw you?

I, I don't know.
I mean, like, the time
we're talking about is

before you can remember
anything. So...

I don't know.

Is that how you imagine
your mom saw you?

I hope so.

(woman singing operatic solo)

Jules:
Um, I take that back.

Uh, I don't wanna talk
about my mom.

Therapist:
I promise you,
I have no agenda.

We can talk about whatever
it is you wanna talk about.

I mean, uh...

Yeah. Uh, I think I really
wanna go off my hormones.

Therapist:
Okay.

Or... Well, not like
everything.

Probably just my blockers.

I have, like, this weird
sci-fi chip implant in my arm.

-Supprelin?
-Yeah, and it, like,

stops my voice from dropping.

Um, my balls from
getting bigger, you know?

The kind of shit that men
wouldn't find desirable.

-(thunder rumbles in distance)
-(water splashing on street)

I don't know. Uh...

I've always thought of puberty

as, like, a broadening,

or a deepening, or like,
a, a thickening.

Which I, I think is, like,
why I was always so
scared of it, you know?

'Cause in my head,
women were always, like,

small and thin
and delicate, and...

You know, so, like,
the thought of puberty,
like this...

irreversible, forever

fucking metamorphosis
was just, like, fucking
terrifying.

And, you know, that,
like, when it happened,

I'd just, like,
end up on the other side.

Like, stuck.

Or even worse,
just, like, a man.

Like, like,
through and through.

And then femininity would
always be this just, like,

this, like, elusive,
distant thing, you know?

Like, unreachable.

But, uh, but then,

I think about beautiful things

that are also broad and deep,

and thick, and I think of...

something like the ocean.

♪

I think, like...

that I want to be
as beautiful as the ocean.

'Cause the ocean's
strong as fuck.

And feminine as fuck.

And, like, both are what
makes the ocean the ocean.

My grandmother used to
live by the ocean.

And, uh, when we'd go visit,

we'd go down to the beach.

(classical music playing)

And, uh, I'd close my eyes...

And I'd just swim, and swim.

And it didn't matter,
like, where I was going,

or what could happen.

Sometimes I'd pray
to the ocean.

(operatic singer continues)

At least for me,
being trans is spiritual.

You know, it's not religious.

It's not, like,
for some congregation.

It's for me. It's mine.
It belongs to me.

And I don't ever
want to stand still.

Like, I want to be alive.

I mean, that's what
this has always been
about, is, like...

staying alive.

♪

The only problem is, um...

I might have lost Rue
along the way.

What do you mean?

Just that, like,
I've, I've called her
a bunch of times,

and, um, she hasn't
picked up, and...

Like, I think I--
I think I really fucked up.

But, like, I was panicking.

Like, I was really panicking.

Without, like,
getting melodramatic...

I've had a really hard
six months.

Like, moving here
has been really hard.

And, like, I don't know.
Just kind of...

A bunch of shit
all happened at once. And...

like, I just freaked out.

Like, I panicked,
and I felt like if I,

if I didn't get out,
I was gonna fucking die.

Therapist:
How?

Mm, it's maybe, like,
a little hard for me to talk
about right now.

Were you thinking about
hurting yourself?

I mean, um,

there's a difference between

thinking about hurting yourself,

and, uh, wa...

wanting to hurt yourself.
But...

I think that gap was closing.

(operatic duet playing)

So, I ran.

And I left someone,
like, I really love, behind.

♪

Sorry. Um, I don't know
why I'm crying.

Uh...

Therapist:
'Cause it hurts.

Yeah. Um...

(sobbing)

(sobbing continues)

(exhales)

Damn.
(sniffles)

Like, at the same time,
though,

I'm, like,
really angry at Rue.

(sobbing)

I feel like...

her sobriety is, like,

completely dependent
on how available I am to her.

You know? Like,

she'd ask me to sleep over,

and I'd say no for,
like, whatever reason,

because it was
a fucking weekday,
or something.

And... (exhales)

I'd just, I'd feel,
like, this weight.

Like, this massive weight
on my shoulders,

and I'd think, like...

Like, what if she relapses,
you know?

Like, what if she relapses
'cause I'm not there?

(sighs)

♪ Dime si me echas
de menos aún ♪

Jules:
But I guess it goes
both ways, because...

you know...

♪ Dime si no me
perdonas aún ♪

Jules:
I fell completely
in love with her.

♪ Que harás con todo
este veneno ♪

♪ Nada bueno ♪

♪ Dime si me echas
de menos aún ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

♪ Can you let it go? ♪

♪ Can you
let it go? ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

♪ Can you let it go? ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar,
lo vas a olvidar ♪

♪ Can you let it go?
Can you let it go? ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

♪ Can you let it go? ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

Jules:
That was it!

Oh, God.

Yay! You did it!
(kisses)

-Thank you.
-Mmm...

(laughing softly)

♪ Dime que no
te arrepientes aún ♪

David:
I talked to your mom today.

She moved out of
the halfway house.

She's been clean
for nine months.

Don't do that.

Please. Don't roll your eyes.

-Come on. It's Mom.
-Yeah.

You can be angry with her,

and I understand that,

but you can't just
dismiss the good.

Well, I'm allowed
to be skeptical.

♪ Dame un beso
y bajame de la cruz ♪

She did say
she wanted to see you.

♪ Can you let it go? ♪

I knew it.

I knew this was not
just gonna be, like,

some conversation about
how well Mom is doing.

Um, you can tell her,
"No, thank you."

♪ Can you let it go? ♪

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

-(fork clatters)
-Okay.

♪ Lo vas a olvidar ♪

Jules:
I was afraid to talk to Rue

about, like, shit that was
going on with my mom,

because she'd think
that I felt the same way
about her

that, like, I do my mom.

Therapist:
Well, don't you?

What?

Therapist:
Don't you feel the same way
about Rue as you do your mom?

-No.
-You just said you were
angry at Rue

for the imbalance she created
in your relationship.

So, would it be fair
to say that you resented
that imbalance?

That the same person who
saw you, who truly saw you,

in the same way
that your mom did
when you were a baby,

was also incapable of seeing
how her additions affected you.

I mean, uh,
I guess I've, like,

never thought about it
that way before. Um...

♪ If I wasn't important ♪

♪ Then why would you
waste all your poison ♪

-(door closes)
-Rue: Mom. Mom!

For-- Stop.

I told you. I'm--
I have a meeting
and then I'll be home.

Yes. I'm fine.

I'm literally fine.

Okay.

Okay, I'll text you
when I'm on my way.

Love you.

Jules:
I feel like real life
is always such a letdown.

-Therapist: What do you mean?
-I don't know. It's just, like--

easier to talk to people online.

You can be more open,
and honest,

and, like, vulnerable.

♪

(operatic singing continues)

Jules:
Some of the most profound
relationships I've ever had

have been with people
I've never met.

(door closes)

I should have known
I was setting myself up.

Or maybe I did know.

Maybe that's, like, what
I'm actually attracted to.

Maybe that's, like,
the appeal.

♪

The letdown.

The fact that, like,
none of it's real.

And it's all a fantasy.

♪

(phone vibrates)

(Jules giggles)

♪

(giggling)

♪

Rue: (sighs)
You've never even
seen his face.

I don't have to.

I've gotten to know him,
like, really well.

Rue:
Sure.

I have.

Like, better than anyone else.

Other than you.

Except he could be lying.

Rue, anyone could be lying.

Trust me, Rue.
It's not in my head.

I think you two would
actually really get along.

Hmmph.

Jules:
I fall in love so easily.

I really do. It's, like,
almost embarrassing.

Why do you think that is?

Because half of every
relationship is in my head.

(light guitar playing)

♪

Rue (softly):
What?

Just happy I met you.

Me, too.

(both laugh)

Jules:
Wait, Rue.

You've been clean
for, like, two weeks.

Rue! No fucking way!

Mm! Mm! Mm!
(kissing)

I'm so proud of you!

♪

There were so many times
I wanted to kiss her.

♪

But I, I didn't.

-Um, I'm gonna go get
a glass of water.
-Oh. Okay.

I hate everyone else
in the world but you.

And when she finally did...

(kisses)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I should go.

(door opens)

(door slams)

-Jules: I froze.
-(footsteps running)

Therapist:
Why do you think that is?

'Cause I had never
kissed a girl before.

I'd never even, like, been
that close to a girl before.

So when it happened,

the only thought I had
was, like,

don't lose her.

Um, hey, uh,

I was just hoping
we could talk about
what happened earlier,

'cause, like, I know
I was really weird,
and, um,

I didn't, like, mean it
that way or anything.

Um, so, yeah, uh, just--

I just wanna talk to you.
Please call me back.

Bye.

-(wind blowing)
-(leaves rustling)

Therapist:
Why did you think
you would lose her?

Because, like...

How could it be possible
that Rue loved me

as much as I loved her?

(inhales sharply)

I think the better question is

why would you think
that would be impossible?

(inhales)

(inaudible)

(sighs)

(man singing operatic solo)

(phone dings)

Jules:
I can't tell you
how many times

we'd just be, like,
texting and texting.

And the next thing I know,
it would be, like,
four in the morning,

and I hadn't slept,
and I didn't want to.

Like, I'd never tell her this,
but...

I feel like I got to know him
better than I knew Rue.

We used to sext forever.

Like, about anything
and everything.

I know it might, like,
sound a little weird, but...

It was, like, genuinely
the best sex I've ever had.

Therapist:
What made it so fulfilling?

♪

It was just pure
fucking imagination.

♪

(operatic singing continues)

Tyler:
All day I've been
thinking about you.

Dreaming about you.

And all the things
I want to do to you.

♪

Jules:
I wish I could see
your face...

and all the colors
in your eyes.

Would you blush if
I told you I loved you?

♪

Tyler (whispers):
I'm gonna fuck you
until you're soaking wet.

(kissing)

(Jules giggles)

(gasps, moans)

♪

Tyler?

Why are there no photos of us?

(lights click off)

♪

Because whoever I was
talking to didn't exist.

♪

Tyler?

Tyler:
Jules, it's okay.

Come here.

Jules:
How could none of it
have been real?

It felt so real.

I wish I never met him.

I'm still in love with Tyler.

And I don't know
when that's gonna change.
(sniffles)

♪

(music intensifies)

(breathing heavily)

(moaning, kissing)

(Jules panting)

(frantic kissing)

Jules:
Rue...

♪

(breathing heavily)

(male operatic singer continues)

♪

(grunts)

(exhales)

-Don't look at my face.
-(gasps)

(Jules cries)

(thuds)

Rue.

(shoes clack on floor)

Rue.

Guess what?

Rue!

Rue?

(lock clicks)

Rue!

Maybe it's 'cause of, like,
everything with my mom.

But I just had this, like,

really bad nightmare about...

living in New York City
with Rue.

When I got home, uh...

she was in the bathroom.

-(door rattling)
-Rue?

Can you please answer me?

But, like, she had locked it
from the inside.

Rue, please!

(pounding)

Rue, open the door!

Then, like,

by the time I opened the door...

I can't, like, say it out loud.

(screaming):
Rue! Rue!

-(loud pounding)
-Rue!

Come on--
(frustrated whimpering)

(sobbing)

Rue!

Rue! Open the--

-(banging)
-(exclaims)

(door rattling)

(screaming):
Don't fucking do this to me!

(sniffles)

-(yells)
-(thuds)

(door shuts)

Hi, Jules.

Hey.

You look really pretty.

I wanted to say hi, and--

(footsteps thudding)

(indistinct whispering)

It's okay. Hang tight.

(door slams)

(door closes)

Jules:
How could you just, like,
fucking ambush me like that?

How could you fucking
do this to me?

Like, why didn't we
talk about this?

David:
Because I knew that
you wouldn't give her a chance.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a reason.

Like, I can't handle this
right now.

I wouldn't have done this
if I didn't think you could
handle it.

Jules:
What? So, like,
it's for my own good?

Jules, she's been clean.
She's doing really well.

All she wants
as part of her recovery

is to make amends.

Wait, what?

David:
She wants to apologize.

You have to be
fucking kidding me.

She wants my forgiveness?

My forgiveness?

So that, what,
she doesn't, like, fucking

drink herself to death
because she's so guilty?

David:
Don't be fucking cruel!

-Jules: I don't care!
-David: Yeah. You do.

Jules:
I swear to God, Dad,
I don't fucking care!

(exhales)

David:
Okay. Fine.

If you really don't care,

and this really means
nothing to you,

then just go downstairs

and let her apologize.

Even if it's not real?

Even if it's not real.

♪

Okay.

Okay. Fine.

(footsteps departing)

(door opens)

(sighs)

(scoffs)

(frustrated sigh)

(door opens)

(door slams)

(door opens)

(door slams)

Jules.

(loud clap)

It was a week later.

On Halloween.

David:
Uh, well, yeah.

How long was she missing for?

Jesus Christ. And,
and you found bottles
in the room?

Oh, God...

How, how long does the hospital
want to keep her?

♪

Jules...

-(knocking at door)
-Uh, that's Rue.

Hey. Jules.

-(banging on door)
-David: Jules, open up.

You gotta come home, Jules.

I can't come back.

David:
You're 17, you know.
You cannot live alone.

This is not real life, Jules!

I can't, I can't go back
to East Highland.

-(door rattling)
-David: Open the door.

You're coming home.

I'm not leaving here
without you!

I don't belong there.

-(door rattling)
-Jules, I'm begging you.

♪

Open the door!

(exhales)

(water dripping)

Therapist:
Okay, well, that's all the time
we have for this week.

Sorry if that was a lot.

I'm the one person you
never have to apologize to.

Thanks.

Therapist:
I know this is our
first session,

and I know you
didn't want to come,
but I'm glad you did.

I hope you are, too.

Okay, so, just be patient
with yourself.

And have a wonderful New Year.

Merry Christmas.
(sniffles)

I'm Jewish.

Oh, uh, sorry.
(chuckles)

Don't be.

It's a way better holiday.

(sniffles)

Okay.

♪ So take me home ♪

♪ Love me low ♪

(knocking on door)

-Rue: Jules?
-Rue?

♪ And I just
want to be with ♪

Jules: Hi.

-(door closes)
-♪ I love you ♪

♪ You don't even know
I'm gonna miss you ♪

I, um...

Uh, I was just...

riding my bike, um,

to go meet Ali,

and I passed your house.

And I...

I don't know. I--
It's Christmastime,
so...

I just...
Your, your dad let me in.

Uh, uh, yeah.
He's really mad at me.

Um, I'm grounded.
(chuckles)

And, uh, in therapy.
So, um...

Uh...

(thunder rumbling,
rain pattering)

I really missed you.

Missed you, too.

Um...

Um, and I'm really
sorry about, like,

everything that happened
at the train station,

and leaving and stuff.
Um...

(sobs)

It was really fucking stupid.

Ah, fuck.
I don't know why I'm crying.

I just get really emotional
during the holidays, that's all.

-It's okay. Um...
-Rue: Um...

Yeah, Merry Christmas, Jules.
(inhales)

(door slams)

(rain falling)

(sobbing)

(solo flute plays)

(thunder rumbles)

(light classical flute plays)

♪