All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S06E04_English

(all laughing)
Hey, is Larry in?

No.

Good morning.

Hi, Phil.
You're here
awfully early.

If you're gonna quit,
you better do it early
in the day.

What?
Wait a minute.

You're quitting?

Yeah, I got
an opportunity

and I'm gonna
take advantage of it.

What opportunity?

Well, as you know, the network
have always been

big fans of mine,

and for the past
few months,

I've been developing
a new sitcom for them.

What's it about?

Uh, it's funny.

But it's not like
a regular "ha ha" sitcom.

There's no laugh track,
there's no audience,

it's single camera,
very stylized.

It's about a bunch of guys
in a ska band in Seattle.

Very dark.

Dark like "Friends"?

I just want to know
what you're gonna tell Larry.

I'm gonna tell him
the truth.

I'm not
feeling well.

I have mental problems

and my doctor
has advised me

that this is not a very healthy
working environment.

Mm.
It's too much pressure

coming up up with
new material every day.

And not being
appreciated.

It just-- it just
all takes a toll.

Artie: You hear
that sound, Phil?

I believe that's
the needle breaking

in the bullshit-o-meter.

Can I talk
to Larry, please?

No. You want to talk
about your frigging health,

go to an HMO
and don't waste Larry's time.

Did you say
"frigging"?

I'm trying to cut down
on my cuss words.

Mother call?
Yeah.

Yeah.
She says hello.

Oh, tell her
I said hi.

She really
loves you.

Larry, um,
I appreciate

everything that
you've done for me

and I hate doing this to you
on such sort notice, but--

It's time to
run along, Phil.

I wish that I could
run along, Arthur,

but I have a very
serious health problem.

Yes, and you're
about to come down

with a very serious case of
"my shoe in your rectum-itis."

I-- I would never, ever
do this to you, but, uh...

well, it's out
of my hands.

Yeah.
Oh, it takes its toll.

But Phil--
Bye-bye.

Please, and-- and keep
in touch. Really.

Thanks for everything.

Well, no, thank you.
Yeah, let's go.

The slut sold
a sitcom to the network.

Yeah, I know, and then he sits
there and lies to me

and I'm not even
married to him.

What's this for?
Huh? It's a gift.

My birthday's not for
a couple of months.

I know.
I-- I just--

I was in Beverly Hills
and I saw this.

It's just an appreciation.
It's a pen.

Yeah, I see that.

No two are the same.

It's hand-crafted
by a team of artisans,

like Cher's ass.

Wow, it's a Phantas.
Uh-huh.

Gee.

Well, sir, I really
appreciate it.

I'll see you
on the stage.

Okay.

Anything wrong?
Huh?

It's just that, you know,
it's a Phantas.

I just thought you'd
like it a little more.

I do, but, you know,
Larry, how...

emotions embarrass you.

And I got them all bottled up,
but inside, sweetheart,

it's all tears, cartwheels,
and a hard-on.

That's all
I wanted to know.

They offer you anything?
You want some water?

Uh, no, I'm-- I'm fine.
Oh.

Yeah. Thanks.
Okay.

Okay. Well, Phil...

I don't want you
to get a big head,

but this is
the best pilot
I've ever read.

Really?

Yes.

Nobody ever believes me
when I tell them that.

But really, you've created
some wonderful characters.

I mean, the writing
just sparkles.

Y-- you-- (sighs)

don't know
how refreshing it is

to be able to write
in your own voice

and to have
people get it.

And we totally get it,
totally get it.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I can't tell you
how great that is.

We have a few things
we want to run by you.
Just some ideas.

Okay, sure.
Yeah, please.

How would you feel if...

one of the characters
was black?

Uh...
Puts a little twist
on it, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Shoot.
Yeah.

Um, uh...

You know,
I didn't really envision

any of these guys
as-- as being black.
Mm-hmm.

But they have
a band, right?

Yeah.
So there's
a drummer?

Yeah.

There you go.

We have a deal
with, uh, Dave Chappelle.
Mm-hmm.

Are you familiar
with him?

Yeah, he was, uh, in
"The Nutty Professor," right?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, wasn't he funny?

Oh, he's hilarious.
Hilarious. He's a huge
fan of yours.

We sent him the script.
He flipped.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He flipped.
Really?

Yeah, loved it,
loved it.

We think he'd be
a great Keyshon. Yeah.
Mm.

Who-- who's Keyshon?

The drummer.

No, the drummer's
name is Ted.

Well, we got it in our head
now that he's black,

so we started
calling him Keyshon.

Keyshon.
Yeah.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Uh...

You know, um...

Interesting.

Uh...
Mm. (chuckles)

(chuckles)
Uh, but I'd-- I'd really
like to, uh, think about this.

Oh, yes,
absolutely, absolutely.
Oh, yeah.

In the meantime, we should
set up a meeting between
you and Dave.

Yeah. Yeah, you two are
really gonna hit it off.

He's so funny.
Oh, and smart.

Yeah. Smart and funny, yeah.
He's great.

So I'll lead you into
the, uh, I'll lead you
into the lap dance thing.

Right.
I'll thank you
for the treat

and you ask me,
"How did it go?"

And I'll say,
"I think I blew it

"because as
she pointed to the chair,

I said, 'Thank you,
I've been sitting all day,'"

and I think there's
a laugh there.
Okay. No, that's funny.

Yeah.
And if there isn't a laugh
there, you just keep going.

Okay.
I'm just glad
you're doing the show.

Hey, this is such a thrill
for me. I really am...
Good, good.

No, no, I can--
This is me thrilled.

I know, I know.
You know?

Do you--
When are you gonna
do our show? Because...

Oh, that's animated right?

I've never...
Well, it's-- it's
a cartoon and-- and uh--

Yeah, I can't.

Well, here's the thing is
we just need your voice.

You know, you could
literally phone it in.

Right. And then you
animate it later?
That's the beauty--

And then we would
do the drawing and it'll look--
I wish I could. Artie?

Yeah, it would look--
Artie: Yes?

Dr. Jonathan Katz, sir.
Oh, good to see you, Artie.

There are many "Johnny
Come Latelys" in the world,
Arthur, this is--

but you, sir,
are "Johnny Come Here
Anytime You Like."

Thank you so much,
even if-- even if you mean it.
I mean it.

That's such
a sweet thing to say.
I do.

But-- And congratulations
to you on the, uh,
on the Phantas.

Larry told me
he got you a-- a Phantas,

which is
a collector's item.

I have been on standby
for my own Phantas

for five and a half
years now.

Prepare to be
dazzled.
And, uh--

(laughs) Oh, that dry
Katz wit.
Yes. You're a--

It makes me thirsty for more.
you're a member
of an exclusive...

I'll be right back.
club.

Y'all know how many
pilots I've done, man.

I'm tired of that
"dubba" WB shit.

I want to do
something real.

Well, that's
what we want.

I'm always telling
the writers "realer."

Yeah.
Yeah.

So, um, did you like
the stuff that I did?

Yeah, man. I flipped
through it on the way over.

You just read it?

There's some real funny
shit in there, man.

I-- I read most of it.
Uh-huh.

I didn't read
the whole thing but, um...

you know-- you know,
just the whole band thing...

Mm-hmm?
I don't know if black people
can relate to that.

I mean, who the fuck
am I, Hootie?

One brother around
a bunch of, you know,
white dudes and then...

I-- I-- I-- I don't know what
you're talking about.

Well, you know,
I mean, the setting.
It's just the--

the whole Seattle thing.

Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think that--

I don't think
I've ever met a brother
from Seattle in my life.

Man, this-- I don't know
if that's the place

where we would
really... really live.

Executives: Hm. Mm-hmm.
But then again they did make
"Sleepless in Seattle."

Maybe that's why
they're sleepless.

(laughter)

Dave: I'm a DJ.
Woman: Mm-hmm.

Some shit black people
can relate to is DJ.
Yeah.

Man: Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.

All right?
Just hear me out.

I work at a club
in Baltimore.
Right.

Every week,
a patron is murdered.

I gotta solve it.

Kind of like
a hip-hop

crime solving
type thing.
Mm-hmm.

And maybe I'm, like, fucking
a bartender or a waitress.

We can do something like--
but tastefully. Tastefully.
Mm.

Yeah, I love the energy
of that.

You know what I mean?
It's fun.
I do.

It's like fun and it's--
and you can address issues
and the whole thing.

That's why
Dave is Dave.

Hey, thanks.

Listen. Listen, I gotta--
I gotta... I gotta put
my foot down.

Um, this show is about
a band from Seattle.

That's-- that's the problem.

Well, you know, we have
a process here, Phil,

and, uh, in order
for that process to work,

we really can't be
married to anything.

Except the DJ thing.
Well, that's gold.

Yeah.
I can roll with that.

I mean, you know,
I-- I don't want to step
on your toes, Phil.

Uh-- (scoffs)

You are the veteran.

That's okay, you know?

All right? Yeah, man.
I don't know

if you need to ask me any
questions about black people

and how we live.
Mm-hmm.

Or I'm sure you've got
like one or two--

Well, fuck, just call me and ask
me some questions and, um...
I've got your number.

Okay.
Um, I gotta go to
Jerry Bruckheimer's.

I'm sorry.
Oh, thanks again
for coming in.

All right, thanks.
Pleasure.

Hey, pleasure.

Phil, you cool
with that or?

Yeah? Oh, hey, man.
Yeah, thanks.
All right. Cool.

You're funny, man. I really--
I really liked the script.
Good to see you.

The shit I read,
it was good.
Thanks.

I mean, the band was--
But the jokes.

Thanks.
(laughs)

He's great,
isn't he?

Is this it?
What? You go it?

I don't know,
I think so.

Oh, man,
this is a Bic.

I'm talking about
a rare, black pen.

It's got gold filigree
and hand-crafted dragons

with little
red eyes.

Oh, you mean
a Phantas.

Yeah. Shh.
Don't even say it.

Come on,
let's lift this.
Wow!

I can't believe you
lost something like that.

Those things
are works of art.

Most people just
mount them on a wall.

Well, I was
writing with it.

I put it somewhere,
excuse me.

Oh, what's this?

Remind me to have
Liza back on the show.

Wow.
Okay.

Those things only increase
in value, you know.

Don't. Get the bookcase.

Oh.
Oh!

I was up in the bleachers
with Kayo.

I was setting
the lights.

I-- I'm gonna go there
right now.

Uh, you-- you check
the writers' room
and Hank's room.

I really appreciate it,
sonny boy.
Thank you.

When I need another
pair of eyes,

you're the only one
I can trust.

I hear, uh, Larry gave you a--

a gift or--
or some such thing.

Where'd you hear that?
Oh, you know,
people talk.

The thing is, Artie, um...

Larry didn't
give me anything

and it's-- it's really, sort of,
driving me crazy, you know.

Are you gonna
look or what?

Not that I'm worried
that, uh, Larry likes you

more than he likes me,
because, you know, fuck it.

You know,
we both know he does.

I-- I just want to know
what he gave you

and it-- it'll be okay.

Then I can start
the healing process.

Jesus, Hank.
He just gave me
a travel clock.

A little piece of shit
travel clock.

You happy now?

Mm.

(chuckles) He's such
a cheap fucker.

What I have to tell you is
of the utmost confidence.

I don't want anyone
to know about it.

And Larry must
never know about it.

Okay.
Okay.

Uh, w-- what's this about?

You know, that pen,
where'd you get it?

Uh, in the supply closet.

Are we not supposed to
do that anymore?

No, I-- I mean the pen
you bought me for Larry.

Larry gave
you a pen?

You don't know
about it?

No.

You mean he got it himself?

He went down,
he got in his own car,

he drove there,
he parked it,

he got out,
he walked to the door,

and he pulled out his
own personal credit card?

He bought me
a present?

That's the first time
in nine years.

(chuckles)

I don't believe it.

Me neither.

He said he bought it
because he...

Excuse me.

He appreciated me.

(groans)

What a gracious
person he is.

I'm a dumb bastard.
I lost it.

Oh, you lost it?

You gotta find me
that same pen, see,

so I can replace it.

And he must never
know about it, okay?

It's a P-H-A-N-T-A-S.
That's P-H-A-N-T-A-S.

Phantas.
Uh-huh.

It's black,
top of the line,

gold filigree,
dragons with red eyes.

Got that?

Okay.
I know I can count on you.

Okay.

Thank you,
sweetheart.

Okay, it's all right.
It's all right.

Okay.
I'm gonna get it.

Don't tell a soul.
All right.

Thank you, buddy.

(cries softly)

You bought me a pen
and I lost it! God!

Well, maybe some
no-talent honky

ain't never been
to Baltimore,

'cause the shit
can work, man.

I have been
to Baltimore.

Woman:
Phil, please.

You watch one episode
of "Roots,"

and all of a sudden
you understand me?

First I'm Hootie,

and now I'm fucking
Kunta Kinte the DJ!

So you know the fuck all.
You know all about niggers.

Why don't you stick
your hand up my ass, Phil,
and work my mouth?

'Cause you know
the fuck I'm all about?

Did you--
did you--

No, I don't know
who wrote this.

This is shit.
No, um...

This is-- it's just shit.
That's the truth. Just shit.

We've had a lot of trouble in
the writing department lately,

so let's just not do this.

And you know what?

We'll just do the, uh, panel.

You don't want
to do this. Who cares?
You know--

You're Bridget Fonda.

Let me tell you
something.

Your dad sees
you doing this,

I don't want to be around
when he does the show next.

So, we'll do the panel.
I'll ask you some questions,

we'll go over some areas,
and I'll see you out there.

It'll be great.
I-- I'm just--

Um, okay. Is there
something that I can--

is there something
that we can do that--

where I'm not just
out there being--

I'm just worried
that I'm-- I'm gonna be...

It's just a talk show.

You just go out,
I'll ask you some questions,

you just answer.
It's gonna be great.

I don't know what
you're so frightened
about, really.

(muttering)
I'm gonna swear
or something.

You're not
gonna swear.

You don't trust yourself
not to swear?

What are you
gonna say?

I don't know.

(muttering)

"Cocksucker."
I don't know.

"Motherfucker"?
I don't know.
All right. Listen--

Something. I mean, I--
I just don't-- I-- You know.

Is the whole family
like this?

I-- I know it doesn't work!

I told you at the meeting
it's not gonna work!

Fuck is he writing
a black show anyway, man?

I don't know.
I don't-- never wanted to
write a black show

and I don't even know why
I'm writing a black show.

I wish somebody could
fucking tell me why

I am writing
a black show!

I wish someone would
fucking tell me why

you're writing
a black show!

He wrote a terrific
first draft.

Hey, well, the second draft
fucking sucks.

All right? Give me
Warren Hutcherson.

I need somebody else.
Phil, Phil...

would you give
us a minute?

Yeah, Phil, just
give us a minute.
All right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Good. Thanks.

Yeah, I'll give
you a minute.
Thank you. Hey, thanks.

Okay. Sure.
And no hard-- no hard feelings.

Oh, no. No.
Yeah, okay.

There's a lot of passion
in here, all right?
Yeah, oh, yeah.

You care about what you do,
I care about what I do.

Yeah. All right.
Okay.

Thanks.
Yeah.

(sighs)

Get this guy
the fuck out of here.

I'm sorry. I am sorry. I am...
I'm serious, man.

(scribbling)

Hank:
Brian?

Man:
He's not out here.

Who are you?

Sid.

Hey, uh, Sid?

Can I borrow
your pen?
Yeah.

You gonna
open the door?

Slide it under, asshole.

Nice going, dip-shit.

Give me my pen
back, schmuck!

Oh...

I don't need it.

Found one.

I don't even know
what a Flowbee is.

That's the vacuum
that cuts your hair.

(chuckles)

Oh, it's gonna be
a good one tonight, huh?

Why? You're--
Are you not doing
the show tonight?

(chuckles)

By the way,
I already have
a travel clock.

That's all
I'm gonna say.

May-- may I say something?

Yeah.
Don't touch my ass.

Now-- now I have to do
my makeup all over again.

(inhales, exhales deeply)

He's got a very firm ass.

I want my pen back, Hank.

I told you
I don't have your pen.

Take your dick out
of your ear,

you little troll!
You owe me
a pen, jerk-off!

You want a pen?
Here. Here. H-- here's a pen.

Go write yourself
a little suicide note.

It's a Phantas.

Blow me.

Oh-ho-ho! Geez.

My next guest
is a, uh, member of

one of Hollywood's
royal families.

She's currently-- uh, can be
seen in Quentin Tarantino's

new movie called,
uh, "Jackie Brown."

Please welcome
Bridget Fonda!

Bridget Fonda!

(applause)

(indistinct)

Hey, there's Hank,

and, uh, we are so happy.

Uh, Hank and I have been,
uh, looking forward

to, uh, uh, meeting you.

Uh, I'll ask you...

Thank god.

Do you know how much
this pen costs?

I'm so relieved.

I don't care whether
it costs 10 thou'.

Okay.

"Okay" what?

It cost $10,000.

I had to max out my Visa.
It's just a fucking pen.

What's it filled with,
dinosaur sperm?

I guess so.

All I know is that's
the only other one
in the city.

Larry:
And what do you play in it?

Bridget:
Um, I-- I play a conniving...

That means that Larry
spent ten thou' on me.

Apparently so.

And now you're
spending it on you.

Well, I gotta get him
something in return.

Would you please run down to
Galerie Michael on Rodeo

and get him that
Chagall lithograph

he's always
looking at?
Yeah.

They'll know the one.
Tell them to bill me.
Okay.

(indistinct chatter)

(laughter)

Hank has asked me if you
would autograph this for him.

Would you mind
doing that?

It would--
it would mean a lot.

Where do you
want me to...
It's just...

Where does he want you
to autograph it?
Where do you want me to sign it?

Uh, I guess on his lap.

(laughter and applause)

Why don't you...

why don't you just
use this and just--

I know this is not
exactly the correct--

I wish we
had a better--
Nice and permanent.

I wish we had
a better pen, but try.

See if that'll work somewhere.

You just can't see it.
You can't quite see it.

Yes, you can.
Yes. That-- that's great.

Thank you very much.
It means a lot.
Here you go.

Where will you
be putting that,
if I may ask?

In my office.

Do you know
what he means
by his office?

No...

The van.

(laughter and applause)

I thought she was
very sexy, if you ask me.
Oh, very!

Delightful,
the two of you.

May I talk to you
two for a second?

Hey, how's
the ol' noodle, sweetie?

Still giving
you the misery?

Well, uh, actually,
my doctor says

that I'm feeling
so much better now.

Oh, our prayers
have been answered.

Christ is king.

Yeah, in fact, um,
I'm feeling so good,

that, uh, I'm ready
to come back to work.

If you want to come back,
I'm fine with that.

It's just that you have
to just tell me the truth

that you went away
to write a pilot

and now you're coming back
'cause it didn't get picked up,

and I'll be fine
with everything, really.

Larry's uncomfortable
with you not being
honest with him.

I swear on my mother's life
that I was just sick.

Mm?

Works for me.

You okay with it?
That's okay by me.

Good.

So, why don't you get started
on tomorrow night's monologue?

Right on.

Good.
And you gotta
get out a sketch

for tomorrow
night's guest,

the sensational
Dave Chappelle.

Poor guy just had
the shit kicked out of him.

Yeah, no, that was good.
You did good there.

It's better
for us anyway.

Yeah.
Beverly: Artie?

(chuckles)
What is that?

Oh, it's just a little
something of appreciation

for all you've
done for me.

Oh, my goodness.
'Cause I love
you, buddy.

A Chagall.

Oh, you shouldn't have spent
this kind of money, Artie.

My gosh.

Oh, please, from the guy
who gives out $10,000 pens?

Who does that?

You're the guy
who gave me this.

What is that?

That's the pen you gave me,
oh generous one.
No.

No, it isn't.
Yeah.

No, no, no,
that's a PH-1000.

That's the top of the line.
Right.

I gave you the,
uh, one that costs 500.

$500, American?
Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna,
um, be in my...

Wait a minute.
Not yet.

Okay.
I'm a little confused.

Uh...

Larry, I lost the pen
you gave me.

And I went out and bought
this one to replace it

because I just,
the gift you got me,

you went out and bought it
for me yourself.

I'm touched that you
went to that trouble.

But I'm sorry
you're out... $10,000?

(chuckles)

Oh, what the hell,
what's 10 thou'?

10 thou'.

What a great story
this is gonna make
at the Friars Club!

It is kind of.
(both laugh)

But this, this is--

this is so over the top, Artie,

this Chagall.

Well, what's another
10 grand?

This is the one that
you always looked at, isn't it?

N-- no.

Didn't you say
the one on the left?

His left.

Well-- well, I--
I thought you meant
the one on the left

when you walk
in the store.

How much is this one?

Uh, 19,000.

Eee...

But you like the other one
much better, don't you?

No, I love this one.

(chuckles)

What the fuck.

It'll be
a $29,000 story!

(theme music playing)