All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E07_English

Mr. Sanders, are you
ready for some good news?

Yes, I am.
Great.

Because, you know,
as a publicist,

good news
is my business.

Get on with it.
All right.

Artie, I'm just trying
to enjoy it a little bit.

Let him have
his fun, Artie.

Thank you. Now, are you
ready for some good news?

'Cause I'm wetting myself.

Yes, yes.
I think we all are.

Here it comes.

Artie, please.

I told "People" magazine

that we were having
the sick boy come visit us

from the One Wish Foundation.

Was that today?
Yeah.

You got us one that's not in
a wheelchair this time, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you
wouldn't even know he's sick.

It's something, um...
ahem, internal.

Now, you ready
for the good news?

Yep.

"People" magazine is sending
their best reporter

to write a full-page
article about it.

What about the Top 10
Sexiest Men Alive list, Norman?

I mean, you promised me.

Now, I have been trying
to get you on it.

Larry, as it turns out,
you're number 11.

We are in competition
on this thing

with every major
motion picture studio!

No one from television
ever gets on it.

What about George Clooney?

Well, he's Batman,
for Christ's sake.
Yeah.

I mean, do you know
the kind of publicity machine
Warner Bros. has?

They could get
Elmer Fucking Fudd on that list.

But, Norman,
you promised me.

Artie:
Hank Kingsley,

international
cigar smuggler.

Buenas dias, mis amigos.

I come bearing gifts.

The finest in illegal
smoking pleasure from...

Cuba.

For Señor Larry,
una Cohiba Robusto.

For Señor Arturo,
Partagas.

Ah, chinga tu madre.
Hey!

(sniffs)
Chihuahua, pendejo!

Wow, where do you
get those, Hank?

Oh, I get these
from a guy named Nuña.

Nuña?

Yeah, like in nuña
your God damn business.

(laughing)

Hank, you better
watch that inhaling.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Come on. Lighten up.

Have a cigar on me.
Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I got these
from Antonio Banderas.

He gave me that
last night.

He's celebrating making
the Sexiest Men Alive list.

Which he can't
get me on, by the way.

Oh, it's very hard.
Very hard.

I tried to get on last year,
and the fuckers,

they put me between Dennis
Frantz and Hector Elizondo

on the Can You Recognize
These Bald Heads? game.

Were you the one
on the left or right?

I couldn't
get Patrick Stewart

on that thing.

Oh, for the love
of fuck.

Better keep that away
from your crotch,

or you'll end up on
the Dickless Wonder list.

Artie, you better not
let the fire marshal

catch you doing that.

No wonder the office
smells like wet manure.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Come here a minute.
What?

I gotta talk to you about
our sick little friend.

You mean Charlie?

I was just on my way
down to get him.

I don't want to be
unfeeling, but...

you got to keep
that kid away from Larry.

Artie, that unfortunate
child has one wish,

and that wish is
to meet Larry Sanders.

Don't you know how sensitive
and fragile Larry is?

Remember the show
when Joan Embery

brought in the baby fawn

whose mother had died
in a brush fire?

Yeah.

Larry couldn't
stop crying

even when the Fly Girls
were dancing.

He just kept blubbering about
the fucking baby fawn's mother

cooking in a brush fire.

Now, that was the worst
show we ever had.

Now, do you want that to happen
again with that nosy reporter

from "People" magazine
hanging around?

Okay.
I understand, Artie.

Okay. Thank you.

And what in the world
can that thing do for you?

It's a guy's thing,
baby.

Don't sweat it.

Maybe you should wear your
driving gloves when you smoke.

Maybe you should take your
pants off and blow yourself.

Don't be so cranky.

My finger hurts.

I know.
There we go.

See, at the Havana Room,
you know what they do?

They cut your cigar
for you.

I mean, these people,

they know how to treat
their celebrity clientele.

(buzzing)

What the fuck is that?

It's a fan.

What, is that,
like, a gay thing?

No, this is a gay thing.

Put the fan down.

No. You put
the cigar down.

Put the fan down.

Put the cigar down.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

All right, let's be...
Let's be adults.

Okay.
All right, on three...

One, two, three.
One, two, three.

(buzzing stops)

Here we go.
(beep)

Oh, look at this.
That's a clear fax.

That's a beautiful machine.
Is this anti-curl paper?

Is that it?
I don't know.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Now, look,
you know, if you want,

I could try to get one of
those names bumped off the list.

Then we'd be home free.

Let's see. "Brad Pitt,
Tom Cruise, George..."

Ah, I see vulnerability!
"Ben Stiller."

Right. He's gonna be
the easiest one to bump.

Yeah, but you know,

God, I mean, Ben's
a friend of mine

and, uh... he's
on the show tonight.

Larry, he'll never
know it's you.

Believe me, in the world
of publicity,

this kind of stuff
happens all the time, right?

No. I can't... I can't...
I can't say...

let's bump
Ben Stiller, so...

Okay, but you know what?

You don't actually
have to say "bump him."

You know what?
I'm gonna count to 10,

and, if at the end of it,
you haven't said anything,

then I'm gonna take it
to mean that he's bumped, okay?

One, two, three, four...
Ah, Christ sakes.

We don't have fucking
time for this.

Six...
He's right.

Just fucking bump him.
Okay.

"Dean Cain, three boxes,
Charlie Sheen, two boxes,

Jason Priestley,
nine boxes."

That kid's a chimney.

Hank, um...

I said that I was okay
getting the cigars

from the airport.
Yeah.

And I am, but, uh...

lately I've gotten
really nervous.

Um, the last time I went,

there was a flight in
from Jamaica just ahead of me.

So there were all these cops
and drug dogs,

and one of the dogs
lunged at me.

And if I didn't have
a biscuit on me,

it would've taken my arm off.

Oh, get a dick,
will you?

Hey wait,
you're famous, huh?

Yeah.

Were you
in "Ghostbusters"?

No. That was
Bill Murray.

Well, how about
"Blues Brothers"?

No. That was
my brother John.

Well, what were you in?

Well, you might've
seen "K-9."

Oh, yeah.
That dog was cute.

What's it like
working with a dog?

Pain in the ass.

So, um, this is it?
What do you think?

Nice, isn't it?
Can I meet Larry now?

Of course you can, honey.
We'll see if he's around.

But first, why don't we
say hello to everyone else?

Uh, Mary Lou,
this is Charlie,

our friend from
the One Wish Foundation.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

This area here
is the bull pen.

Computers--
Can I meet Larry now?

Yeah, of course,
but, um...

first, let's
say hello to Phil.

What's he do?

He writes
Larry's jokes.

Oh.

Phil, this
is Charlie.

Hi.
Hey.

Beverly, I didn't
know you had a kid.

Charlie is our friend from
the One Wish Foundation.

Oh, yeah, yeah! Hey,
how's it going there?

Good.

Uh, Phil, um...
maybe you can show Charlie

how you put the... monologues
on the cue cards.

Oh, wow. You know, I wish
I knew how to do that myself.

Nice to meet you,
Charlie.

Well, I guess
you can tell

we're really busy
around here.

Uh-huh.
You're so cute.

I wanna
meet Larry now.

Um, I don't know
where he is, but...

He's in his office,
Beverly.

Thank you, Brian.

I'll tell you what.

I'll take you down
to the director's booth

and I can show you
how they work down there,

and then we'll come back
and we'll see Larry.

Okay.
(laughing)
Okay.

The kid creeps me out.

Yeah, I know.

It's really hard to be
around someone who's ill.

No, I don't give
a shit about that.

I just think it's weird
someone's last wish

is to meet Larry.
(chuckles)

Help me here, you know.
I don't understand.

You told me you'd have
my Cohiba Robustos here today.

Yes.
Right?

Right. And there's--
but, you see,

well, there's a certain
amount of discretion

that goes into this,
and little Felipe

needs a full moon
to make the swim.

Hank, that's bullshit.
You know that's bullshit.

Now, come on. I drove all
the way in from the Westside

to be here to pick up
those Robustos.

Okay, okay, look.

Hank, I'm serious.
I'm a serious smoker.

I'm serious about these...

Jimbo, Jimbo, please.

There's no need
to be angry.

Here. Why don't you take
one of my Macanudos

to tide you over...
go ahead.

Thanks, Hank.

This'll get me
all the way to my car.

I can't believe
I actually introduced you

to Dolph Lundgren.

Hey, Jimmy.

Hey, Larry, how you doing?
Hey, good to see you.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
What is that?

Is that a Cohiba Robusto
you're smoking?

I-- I guess so, yeah.

You got
another one of those?

Uh, no. No.
How's the new show going?

Well, we're, uh...
you know, we're...

Retooling? Yeah, yeah.
Retooling.

Well, I'm sure
it's going to be great.

Yeah, I know.
It's gonna to be a great show.

All right.
Well, good luck.

Wish I had another one.

So, uh, that was
the, uh, wardrobe room.

Boy, Larry has
a lot of suits.

Oh, he does,
doesn't he?

You know, I like
the purple one the best,

but he hardly
ever wears it.

Oh.

Can I meet Larry now?

Of course you can, uh,

but first, let's make
a yogurt run,

and guess what.

I'll take you to see
Larry's parking space.

Oh.

Uh, you remember
Mary Lou?

Mary Lou.

Uh, she has a lot of
personal problems, sweetheart.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Beverly?

Yes.

Hi, I'm Tonya Bailey.
Oh, "People" magazine.

Hi.
Hi, Tonya.

Nice to meet you.
You must be Charlie!

Yeah.
Hi!

So was it exciting,
meeting Larry Sanders?

I don't know.
I haven't met him yet.

Really? Oh.

Oh. I thought you would've
wanted to do that first.

Uh, well, actually, I was just
taking Charlie to meet Larry.

I thought you
said we were going
on a yogurt run.

Oh, no, baby,
you got that all wrong.

We're going to go
and get yogurt

after I introduce you
to, um, Larry.

Oh.
(chuckling)

Oh. Well, I guess
I'm right on time.

Do you mind
if I tag along?

Let me hear
the other one again.

Oh, Uncle Dennis Rodman's
can of semen,

just in case she
wants another kid.

(both laughing)

That's funny.

Excuse me, Larry.

I really think you--
Oh, gosh!

You ought to come out
and say hello to Charlie.

He's right outside.

Can it wait?

We're right
in the middle of just--
Let us just finish this.

I'm sorry, but the woman
from "People" magazine,
she's here, too.

All right, okay.
Just let's...

just for a minute.

Okay.
Uh, come in.

Hey, Charlie!

Charlie, Larry.
Larry, Charlie.

Hey, good to see you, man.
High-five. All right.

And this is Tonya Bailey
from "People."

Hello, Tonya.

Tonya Bailey.

Have a seat, Charlie.
Okay.

We're just going over
a desk piece here.

Why don't you listen in.
Weren't we on the, uh...

Madonna's...
Madonna's baby shower.

Madonna's baby shower.
The gifts, yeah.

Gifts.
Um...

And so then you say...

you hold up
this other piece

and you say, uh...

"All newborn infants need
constant stimulation.

"And so
that's why she has

the Mommy's Former
Lovers mobile."

And it's got pictures of about
1,000 different guys on it.

So, uh...

you got
the Larry Sanders hat.

Uh-huh.
That's good.

What'd they
charge you for that?

(laughter)

Why can't I get
a Larry Sanders hat?

You know, this is, uh...

much funnier
with the props.

In fact, with the mobile comes
the Sandra Bernhard swing,

and it swings both ways.

Where are you
from originally?

Minnesota.
Minnesota!

Mmm.

Now, I thought
we agreed

that we were going
to keep Charlie

away from Larry
while he was working.

Well, "we" have covered

every damn inch
of this building,

and "we" ran out of ideas.

And then we got cornered
by that reporter

and we had no other choice
but to meet Larry,

but we would love to hear
what we are gonna do next.

(high-pitched beeping)

What is that?

Sounds like Hank's
fire alarm.

What was that?

A-- A fire alarm.

Hey, uh... uh...
let me check it out

and then maybe we can get your
picture with the fire marshal.

Okay?
Oh, cool!

Hank-a-rootie!
Hey, man.

Boy, how did you
survive? Heh!

This looks like
Hunter Thompson's pad

in the '60s.

Oh, man, everything's
just soaking wet.

Jesus, only you
could make

these God damn
sprinklers go off

on some of the finest
cigars in the world!

You realize what
a tragedy that is?

Well, it was an accident,
Artie, it was just, uh...

Well, you know
that the Cohiba Espléndido

has a powerful kick.

No shit.

And, uh, I was enjoying
my third one...

Your third?!
Yeah, and, uh...

and I think between the smoke
and my recent blood loss,

that the room just
started to-- to swim,

and I-- next thing I know,
I'm staring up at the ceiling

and the sofa is on fire.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

These fucking cigars
are absolutely ruined.

(knocking on door)
Yeah?

Um, ahem, I just talked
to maintenance,

and they won't be able
to get a couch in here

until next week.

And until then,
they expect me to do what,

just to go
fuck myself?

Uh, Hank,
your language.

There's a child present.

Yeah.
This is Charlie.

Charlie, we're going
to make old Hank

wash his mouth out
with soap.

Okay, buddy?
Charlie:
Okay.

You know, Charlie is with
the One Wish Foundation.

He's our guest
for the day.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I-I believe in clubs for youth.

And, you know, I was
a Boy Scout-- you know that?

Ahem! Charlie, we need
to get out of here.

It's kind of wet and...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Before you go...

Here, have a cigar.

Oh, thank you,
Mr. Kingsley.

You're welcome.
You have very nice manners.

And you tell your pals
at your club

that you got
a cigar from...

Hank Kingsley.
There you go.

Uh, let's go.

See you later.

Why did you give
young pipsqueak yonder

a fine Cohiba?

What are you talking about?
It's a memento.

If you're going
to give him a memento,

just give him
a fucking White Owl.

Hey, I better get rid
of these for you, okay?

Thanks, Artie.

Yeah.

Hello there,
Mr. Sexy.

Look at you.
Look at you.

You're so sexy,
I'm getting a woody

just looking at you--
look at you.

Don't frighten me,
please.

Okay. I'm not--
I'm not getting weird.

This is just my way
of telling you

that you are officially
one of "People's"

Top 10 Sexiest Men Alive.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Did you bump Stiller?

Oh, yes, I bumped him.

Hey, Larry,
how you doing?

Hey!
It's Ben Stiller.

How's it going?
Good to see you, man.

God, good to have you
on the show.

Thanks, thanks.
Really, you look great.

Thank you.
Just... you working out?

Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, great, great, great.

Hey, your dad's great
on those spots for ESPN.

Just terrific.
Oh, thanks.

Those Vince Lombardi things,
I can't imagine.

He's, you know,
it's a good gig for him.

If I had a dad
in show business...

you've been through
a lot, I'll bet.

You don't even
wanna know.

Have a lot of fun
out there. Seriously.

Okay.
I just--
I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you, thanks.
What's your name?

Norman Litkey.
Okay.

I do PR.
Nice to meet you.

Have a great time.
Thanks. All right.

Okay, I'm happy
to be here.

Thanks for, you know.
Okay.

Okay.
Take care.

Wow. Hey, we are so...

How can you look at yourself
in the mirror in the morning?

It's really
difficult, Larry.

Because I'm not
as sexy as you are.

Oh, please.
Look at you.
You're so s...

Excuse me.
Larry?

Yes? I can't see Charlie
before the show.

I just can't.

Larry, it's not Charlie,
it's Artie.

Don't say
a fucking word.

Uh, Larry this is
Inspector Merriweather

of the U.S. Customs
Service.

Mr. Larry Sanders.
Happy to meet you.

Yes. Sorry to have
to bother you

like this, Mr. Sanders.

Oh, it's no
bother at all.

We love to have
members

of our federal
government stop by.

Last year, we had
the Secretary of Agriculture
on the show.

Right. Maybe you know him.
Nice guy.

No, sir,
I'm afraid I don't.

Too bad he's
under investigation.

Nice fella.
Big laugher.

Are these your cigars,
Mr. Sanders?

What the hell is this, Jim,
a God damn witch hunt?

No, sir. I'm doing my job.
This is a very serious matter.

Importing Cuban cigars
is a criminal offense.

Well, I can assure you that
Mr. Sanders is not a criminal.

That may be,
but I'm not leaving here

until I find out where
these cigars came from.

All right.
I think, in that case,

we shouldn't say another word
until we have a lawyer present,

right, Larry?

Hank--
Hank gave them to me.

What cigars?
I mean...

I don't--
I don't smoke cigars.

They're filthy,
disgusting.

It's like putting
a big turd in your mouth.

Please, Mr. Kingsley,
don't make this difficult.

I know.
I just, uh...

I don't know
anything about cigars.

Really? Well, uh...

what do you keep
in this humidor?

Taffy.

Taffy?

Yeah. Yeah, I chew taffy.

What is that?
Is that a crime?

Well, then how do you explain
the smell in this room

and the fact that
your couch is burned?

Hot plate.

Huh.

Well, Mr. Sanders says
that you, uh...

you gave him
this box of cigars.

(scoffs)
That fucker.

Yes, sir.

So now I'm afraid
you're under arrest

for importing and distributing
contraband merchandise.

Jesus Christ!

I'll let you do the show,

but immediately afterward,
we'll have to go downtown

to, uh, process
your arrest.

Who are you?

Tonya Bailey,
"People" magazine.

Oh, fuck me.

(blow dryer whirring)

(sniffling)

I'm sorry, I just...

I just have really bad
allergies this time of year.

Oh, it's okay.

I can't believe Hank
gave you a Cohiba Robusto.

These rock.

Oh, I never smoked
a cigar before.

How old are you?

14.

You know...

I was 14 when I smoked
my first cigar.

Who are you dating now?

(laughing)

Anybody you'd wanna
talk about?

Nobody I could
talk about publicly,

but, uh, I could...
No, not really actually.

I'm kind of in, you know,
after-relationship,

kind of not interested,
but I did actually, uh...

get in touch with somebody
from my past.

I was on another
talk show recently,

and I told the story
about my first kiss...

Right.

When I was 12 years old

in camp, and I mentioned
the girl's name.

Yeah.
And about a month later,

I got a call from her.

Or I got, I, you know,
somebody contacted me

and said she wanted
to get in touch with me.

And she sent me a picture
and she looked pretty good.

So, you know,
I'm considering...

(laughing)
I'm considering a plane trip,
and, you know...

Might be the price
of a ticket.
I understand.

So it's not easy for
you to get dates, huh?

Why don't we
take a break?

And we'll come right back
after this, uh,

after this break.

More with Ben Stiller.

(cheering and applause)

Man:
Clear!

Very funny.

You look good.

Have you been
working out a lot?

Because, um... seriously,

you really look like
you're, uh, pumped up.

Chiseled.

Really good.

How'd that low-fat...

Oh, shut up, all right?

I know you had me
bumped from the list.

(scoffs)
What list?

"What list?"

Sexiest Man Alive list?

Where did you hear that?

You're an asshole, Hank.

Yeah, well, thanks for
ratting me out to the feds.

Speaking of assholes...

Jesus, is everybody
on this show an asshole?

What are you doing?

There's a show--
We're in the middle of a show.

Are you telling me
what to do?

Are you telling me
what to do?

'Cause I really
don't respond well

to people who
tell me what to do.

You know, there's an audience
sitting right there, so...

There is?
Oh, my God! Hey!

Hey, everybody!
Hey, look at Larry,

the big fat asshole!
Whoo!

Asshole man!

(applause)

What is...
What is the, uh, problem?

Oh, don't play
Jenny Jones on me.

You know exactly
what the fuck you did!

All right? You know,
I heard the car show

is in town next week.

Maybe if you suck off
Lee Iacocca,

he'll give you
Miss Auto Parts.

You know, I deserve
to be on the list, okay?

I think you deserve
to be on the list.

You're right.
You really--

You definitely deserve
to be on the list.

I wish you could see
how Jewish you look right now.

You know?
It's unbelievable.

That's incredible
coming from

a self-hating Jew
like yourself.

What time is the collar
due back?

Listen, I just want you to
know that if I go to prison,

you don't have
to come visit me

because you've already
fucked me in the ass.

What the hell is going on?

Sounds like a fucking
hockey game!

We got 30 seconds to get
our asses back on the set.

Really? Well, I wonder
how you're going to get

another guest
in 30 seconds!

Wait a minute, hey!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(overlapping shouting)

Larry! Guys!

Charlie's sick. We gotta
get him to the hospital.

Ben Stiller:
Who's that kid?

That's the kid
from, uh...

the One Wish Foundation.

Okay, gentlemen,

we've got to do
this show for Charlie.

We're back with,
uh, Ben Stiller.

And, um, uh...
before we move on,

I just want to say to
a special friend of ours, uh...

Charlie, who, uh, should be
watching the show tonight,

we're with you,
buddy.

Hope you feel better.

Yeah, Charlie,
I don't know you,

and I've never really
talked to you,

but I heard a lot about you.

I feel like I know you,
so just, um...

hang in there, buddy.

Hank, anything
to say to Charlie

before we move on?

No.

(scattered laughter)

Hank's had a bad day.

(laughter)

Now, you have
a funny story

about Mary Tyler Moore?

Artie, I just heard
from Charlie's aunt,

and he's gonna be fine.

That's good news.

Apparently someone let him
smoke one of Hank's cigars,

and he--
and he got sick.

It was only
a couple of puffs.

You know,
I cannot believe

you could do that
to a child, Mary Lou.

He wanted to, and it was
really just a couple of puffs.

Yeah, but he is a child.
Ladies, please.

You are ruining
my post-show high!

The important thing is that
Charlie had a good time.

He's a great kid.

At least we were able to
make him happy for one day.

Um, Artie, there's
one more thing.

Um...

Charlie has asked
for a second wish.

♪ ♪