All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E05_English

Hey, Kevin.

You on the show again
tonight?

Nope.
Just hanging out.

Why are you putting
makeup on at noon?

No, this isn't makeup.
This is a bronzer.

I-- I don't get outside much
anymore, so, uh,

you know,
I just feel pasty.

Yeah.
Looks good.

Thank you.
Looks good.

Goes great
with your lipstick.

Now, what is this,
some kind of face caulk?

Please-- please
don't touch that.

Oh.

Hey, you want to shoot some
hoops later?

No, I can't.
I'm-- I'm doing the show.

Oh! That's right.

(whistling)

How's your career
going?

Oh, I got nothing.

Oh.

Nah,
I'm only kidding.

I'm very happy,
actually.

Good.

Could I
have your job?

No.

Got any stay-hard cream?
No, I used it all.

Hey, you mind if I borrow
some of your bronzer
for my penis?

It doesn't get out much.
It's looking a little pasty.
All right. Yeah.

When does that expire?
Put it down.

How many more?

Beverly, how many more writers?

Send 'em in.

One more.

I liked the last guy.

(door opens)

Beverly:
Uh, Larry,

Artie, Phil, this is Wendy.
Wendy Traston.
Hi.

Hi. Dave Letterman.
Hi.

(laughing)

Wendy.
Hi.

Hi. Hey.
Hi.

I hope you don't mind
if I eat during this.

Not at all.
I encourage it.

Would you like a pita?

No. I can't.

I can't eat anything
out of a man's pocket.

(laughter)

We're off!

So, I loved your material.

I particularly liked
this, uh, prison joke.

Yeah, about, um,
punishing criminals
by making the prison bars

horizontal so the prisoners
feel fatter.
Feel fatter.

Larry does all
the punch lines around here.

Whoops.
Sorry.

That's okay.
You didn't know.

So you've never, uh, written
for a talk show before.

No, but I've seen
a lot of talk shows.
Ah.

I see that you worked
for "Spy Magazine."

Artie:
Ooh!
That's good.

Yeah. For three years,
but I-- I want to break
into television.

As do I.

Something else
we have in common.

(laughter)

Hey, so, uh, why do you want
to work on this show

as opposed to, uh,
let's say, uh...

"Jay Leno"?

I like this show better.
Really? Have you heard
it's tough over there?

Because, uh, I'm hearing
a lot of bad things

about what's going on
over there.

Really?
Yeah, we just
had a writer come in,

he said it's a fucking
sweatshop over there.
Really?

Oh, yeah.
Artie: Oh, he's just
setting you up.

You know, we all
love Jay around here.
He's just kidding you.

Thank you so much, Wendy.
Pleasure.
Okay. Okay.

We'll be in touch.
Right this way.

I know this seems short to you,
but you just were terrific.

Yeah? Well, thanks.
I should probably--
Would you like a--

a piece
of sandwich to go?

Excellent.
Hey, there you go.

Thank you. Whoa.
That's okay, we're only
gonna have to freeze it.

You know, I, uh,
like her.

I like her, too.

You guys sound like
an Irish Spring commercial.

Let's remember that she has
not worked on a talk show.

Artie: But she's funny!
Yeah.

She's a Harvard grad.
Artie: So what?

All Harvard grads
are arrogant, Artie.

What college
did you go to, Phil?

El Camino State.

Oh, good welding school.

A lot of arrogant
welders there.

Larry, girls just
aren't that funny.

And I'm the head writer.
Does my opinion count at all?

See if she can
start tomorrow.

Look at this picture.

Charlie Sheen's really
putting on weight.

Yeah, when you quit hookers,
you put on 10 pounds.

That's why I wear
the patch-- the pussy patch.

I'm wearing one
right now.

I used to wear it over
my eye for the look of it.

Arr, fuck my eye, matey.

(laughs)

Can we get something
we could use, please?

I've got one.

"Dr. Jack Kevorkian recently
attended his 41st suicide.

"He announced that
the 50th suicide

would receive
a free tote bag."

Ha. That's funny.
Wendy: I have some.

Uh, "Police in Los Angeles
finally arrested

"the Energizer Bunny
for running every red light

he's seen since 1989."

Well, Larry doesn't do
bunny jokes, okay?

I like that one.
I like bunny jokes.

Well, then you can
use it tonight

to impress the girls
at the whorehouse.

Hey, man,
I don't need jokes

to impress the girls
at the whorehouse.

Has somebody been
fucking the couch

'cause I can't figure out
what this is on here.

Nice ones.
Huh?

Wendy: I know,
they're nice ones.

All right, I knew
this was gonna happen.

Could you guys
get to work, please?

I have a joke.

"Marion Barry--"
Chris Case, please.

I'm sorry, go on.
I'm-- I'm listening.
Okay.

"Marion Barry today...
Hey, man, how's it going?

"drank a big glass of...
Yeah, do you have
Louise's number for me?

"city water at
a press conference...
Hey, Eddie, give me your...

to prove it was safe."
Thank you.

Hello, ladies.
Hey, hey, hey.
How's it going?

Is everyone treating you
all right?

Yeah.
Good.

So what's the deal, Kevin?

You, uh, do the show last night
and sleep over?

Yeah. I think I found the mint
you left on the pillow.

That's not a mint.

(laughter)

Hey, does anyone have
any stay-hard cream?

Oh, that stuff
doesn't work.

Larry, you're being hard
on yourself.

I wish you could be Hank.
Man, that would be sweet.

Oh, let's all wish hard.

Hey, now.
I heard that.

Hank:
Hey, did anybody see, uh,
Prince Charles on TV last night?

That guy's a loser.

(bad British accent)
'Ello. 'Ello.

Quite right.
Quite right.

Look at my ear.

That is great.
I love John Wayne.

(laughter)
Phil: I thought
it was George Gobel.

No, it's--
it's Prince Charles.

And you guys can go
fuck yourselves.

Larry:
Bye, ladies.

I still say
it was John Wayne.

Phil, um...
Hmm?

Has Larry said anything
about my jokes?

What do you mean?

I mean he's not using
any of them,

so I'm assuming
he's passing on them.

Has he said anything or?

No, but that's because
I haven't given him any
of your jokes.

I've written a hundred jokes.

He hasn't seen one joke?

It's my job to pick the ones
that I think are best,

and if you can write
something in that category,

I'll let him see it.

But until then,
I can't waste his time.

Fucker.

Any of these Wendy's?

No, and believe me,
I'm saving you a lot of trouble.

Mm-hmm.
What's the problem?

Well, they're not really
jokes, necessarily.

They're more like
an expression of her feelings.

Ahh. Funny feelings?

Well, yeah, yeah,
they're hilarious

if you're doing
a Tracey Ullman sketch.

Phil, you know, um,
I-- I don't get it.

She seems very funny to me.

Are you telling me
in the week she's been here

there's not one joke
that's worth submitting?

Larry, girls
just aren't that funny.

Phil isn't even
trying to hide it.

He just stood there
and told me

he's not giving
my jokes to Larry.

And the other writers
aren't sticking up for me

because they gotta watch out
for themselves, you know?

Yeah, well, the problem is
it's just a boys club.

What do you need?
Oh, gosh, a tampon.

You wouldn't happen
to have one?

No.
Oh, you know, Wendy,

men just don't find
women funny, but I'm funny.

I'm funny
all day long around Larry.

You know, I, um,
I hid my tampons

because somebody
was stealing 'em.

Now I can't remember
where I hid 'em.

I do that
with my boyfriends.

Oh, shoot.
You got some change?
Yeah.

No, don't.
Oh, thanks.

I just feel like
this situation is so fucked up

that maybe I'll just pitch
my jokes directly to Larry.

Uh, that's not
a good idea.

Uh, you want
Larry to see your jokes,
you give them to me.

I'll make sure
Larry sees them.

Really?
Yeah.

Thank you, Beverly.

Thank you so much.

(whispering)
Artie! Artie! Pssst!

Why is Kevin Nealon
hanging around?

Because he's Larry's friend.
You know what I mean.

No, afraid
I don't, Hank.

His career is over.
He says so.

So, one day he gets
the brainy idea

to start hanging out
here with Larry,

and the next thing you know,
I am out on my ass.

I am not a stupid man, Artie.

I don't agree with a single
thing you've just said, Hank.

I want you to stop this
before you wind yourself up

and make yourself sick.

I'll tell you
who's making me sick.

Kevin Nealon.
Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon.

♪ Kevin and Larry sitting
in a tree, K-l-S-S-I-N-G ♪

What's wrong
with your face, sweetie?

You look like a pumpkin.

Oh, Jesus, can't a man
wear a little bronzer?

I am sure if Kevin wore bronzer,
everyone would just love it.

"Oh, Kevin.
Oh, Kevin."

That Hank is one crazy
son of a bitch.

There's tampons
in my desk drawer.
These are Beverly's.

(phone beeps)
Beverly?

Beverly: Yeah, Lar?
Are-- are these your tampons
in my desk drawer?

Oh, my gosh.
That's where I hid 'em.

I'll be right in.

You know what's a pity is
if I had it to do over again,

this thing with Kevin Nealon,
wouldn't be a bad way to go,

but we can't
do that now, can we?

No, we can't.

(door opens)

Oh, thanks.

Here you go, sweetie.
You're welcome.

(chuckles)

What are these?

Oh, those are,
uh, Wendy's jokes.

Oh, why are you
giving them to me?

You know, I just think
they're really funny.

You know, especially
the ones I marked.
Oh.

The Vatican said,
uh, Pope John Paul II

will take a--
a couple of weeks to

recover from,
uh, an appendectomy,

which seems like
a long time to me,

because the Lord himself died
and was up and around
in three days.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Larry:
Scientists--

Uh, scientists actually say
in a-- a recent study

that 10,000 years from now,
Disneyland and Disney World

will actually be touching.
(audience laughs)

Were those
your jokes?

No.
They were mine.

No, they're not.

Wendy, are those
your jokes?

Uh, yeah.

Funny.
You guys are funny.

Anyone have any crack?
(laughs)

Can I see you
for a second?

(Larry continues monologue)

How did your jokes
get in the monologue?

Oh, I don't know, Phil.
I guess Larry thought
they were funny.

How did Larry see them?

Oh, how did the funny
get through?

Yeah.
Oh, I gave my jokes to Beverly

and I guess she
passed them on to Larry.

Oh, my Marion Barry joke.

Larry:
...a glass of tap water

at a press conference
and then said

that he next would
personally guarantee

the safety of the city's
tar heroin supply.

(audience laughing)

Good morning, Beverly.

Good morning, Keith.

Hey, could you do me
a favor?

Could you give these
jokes to Larry?

Uh--
I realize it's an imposition,

but Phil just doesn't get me.
Doesn't get my comedy.

I mean, I'm just--

I'm thinking
of Larry here, you know?

I--I-- I don't--
These are funny jokes.

I don't think
it's a good idea, Keith.

Why, 'cause
I'm not a girl?

No, because you're to give
those jokes to Phil,

Phil's to give them to Larry,

and that is how
it works around here.

Then why did you
give him Wendy's?

Because she is new
and she needed my help.

Beverly...

I have prostate cancer.

Thanks.

Where is everybody?

Well, they all gave their jokes
to Beverly and they left.

You must be so proud.

I'm sorry,
am I in your chair?

Your mother must have really
fucked you up, Phil.

What does that have to do
with the fact

that you went over my head?

Okay, so what was
I supposed to do?

Curl up at your feet

and beg you to give Larry
my jokes?
Those jokes?

Those lame observations about
shopping that you call jokes?

Oh, my God!
Oh-- I--

I've never written
a joke about shopping, Phil.
Uh-huh.

But you wouldn't know that
because you don't read my jokes.

Why-- why are--
why are these jokes
all cut up?

Uh, that's
my little system.

You see, that makes it
easier to move around.

Uh-huh.
And, um, uh, each one is on
different colored paper

because each writer
has a different color.

I see, then how come
there's only one green one?

Uh, that's, um, Ed's.
He's not pulling his weight.

All right.
Let's find the Ross Perot joke.

I'll start with that.
Okay, uh...

I think it's blown
off of your desk.
(door opens)

Blown off?

Oh, I found it.
What the fuck is this?

Did Rip Taylor
just come through here?

Uh, we're assembling
the monologue.

Oh, this is what this is.
Okay.

Beverly, help me with this mess.

Wait a minute.
Don't forget Ed's.

Oh, fuck Ed.
He's not pulling his weight.

Get that other shit.
Put it on here, will you?

And you treated me like shit
since day one, so fuck you.

Artie:
Oh!

Here's tonight's
monologue, Phil.

Looks like a very funny one.

Yeah, well,
that's her fault.

Oh, I see, Alibi Ike.

She runs the department now?

Now, I know you think
women aren't funny, Phil,

but don't give me
that shit.

Phil, it's your job to keep
the system from fucking up

so Larry, our star,
has a monologue
to do each night.

Now, if you can't do your job,
please tell me that now

so I can do my job
and fire your sorry ass.

You've got exactly 20 minutes

to put a hilarious monologue
on cue cards

or you're out of here.

Don't you get a swelled head,
young lady,

because I'm afraid the same
thing goes for you, too.

Good job, Phil.

Look, Wendy, I admit

that I have some
issues with my mother.

She hurt me
as a child, probably. Um...

maybe even abused me.
Cut the shit, Phil.

Please, this
isn't easy for me.

I have been under a lot
of pressure lately

and I may have acted
like a scumbag.

No, no, no, no.
I have been a scumbag.

And I think that you're paying
for the pain that I've endured

from chicks who I've dated
in the past who screwed me up.

Oh, wow--
That would be interesting

if we were going out,
but we're not going out.

I just want to get jokes
in the monologue.

Great! Well, I think we're
speaking the same language.

And would you like to help me
write the monologue now?

Before Artie
kicks our asses?

Yeah.
Yeah.

We need one more.
Yeah. What about Ed?

Ed? What-- what color is Ed?
I don't know. Fuck that.

Okay, wait, I got one.
"The use of methamphetamines
is on the rise in North Dakota.

Officials say they got
suspicious when..."

Shit! Beverly cut
the punch line.

"Officials got suspicious
when they..."
When they...

When they... they did
nothing quick-lier!
There were doing

nothing quick-lier.
When they did nothing
much more quickly.

Nothing much more quickly.
Great.

Hey, where'd
you get that?

Oh, I told Artie
I like Snapple,

so he sent someone out
to get me a case.

(chuckles)

I want to tell you that I--
I just think you're a great guy.

Well, thanks, Hank.
I think you're a great guy, too.

Well, thank you.
Hey, you want a Snapple?

Are you trying
to get my job?

I just need to know.
Are you?

I don't want your job.

Yes you do.
Come on.

I don't want your job.

Come on.

Hank...
you're a sidekick.

Please.
That's not what I do.

Doesn't even interest me.

You're an asshole.

Why don't you go back to
"SNL" for another nine years?

You think people are sitting
around Hollywood going,

"I wish I could have
Hank Kingsley's job

because then I'd have it made"?

I don't want your job.

You sit on a couch every night
just kissing up to Larry.

You're pathetic.

I'd fucking kill myself
if I had your job.

(pained breathing)

Ooh...
What is--

Oh, my God.
Oh, God.

Hang on.
See?

You've gone
and made yourself sick.

I'm calling
the hospital.

(pained breathing continues)

"Live on tape
from Hollywood,

"'The Larry Sanders Show''

"Tonight, join Larry
and his guests

"Bette Midler,

"singer Shawn Colvin,

"and exotic bird expert
Tim Pethler.

"And me, Kevin Nealon,
filling in for

"'Hey now' Hank Kingsley.

"And now, because he just
can't stop doing the macarena,

Larry Sanders!"

(audience cheers and applauds)

Nealon, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Madonna said
she's actually going to, uh,

breastfeed her daughter,

and, uh, what's particularly
nice is Madonna said

she can go right to
the front of the line.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Nice to see Dennis Rodman
back in a Chicago's Bull uniform

as opposed to that
tank top, tube top combo,

miniskirt thing he wears.
(audience laughs)

Hey, uh, after the show,

what do you say we go out
and get something to eat?

No.

Why not?

Because your mother
fucked you up, remember?

Listen, I'm gonna be honest now.

I just made all
that kind of stuff of up

just so that you would
help me out with the monologue.

Really?
Yeah.

Wow.

You must get laid
almost never.

(audience cheers and applauds)

We'll be right back.
Don't go. Don't go.

Very funny monologue.

Well, thanks, and thanks
for... thanks for the help.

Honestly, you couldn't have--

I love doing
the show with you.

I hope that you're,
you know, uh, having fun,

and thanks for filling in.

Oh, hey, I'm--
I'm having a great time.
Yeah.

This is just wonderful.

I'm-- I'm--
I couldn't think--
Good.

Well, it's tough to top what
happened to me this afternoon.

You know, Cindy Crawford
called me at home.

That's right.
You're kidding.

Yeah, evidently she has
caller I.D.

Hey...
(audience laughs)

who would have known?

Oh, my God.

You are... Honestly,
you're hilarious.

You're hilarious.

You're very funny
yourself.

Like I said,
that monologue was killer.

That's 'A' shelf.

You know, I said,
"You're hilarious."

You said,
"You're very funny."

They're not...
they're not equivalent at all.

No, I know that.

One is -- one is funny,
and one is hilarious.

I specifically said,
"You're hilarious."

Yes, you did, but do you see
the word "funny" in "hilarious"?

No.

(audience laughs)

It's time to bring out
my favorite guest.

And mine.
And you know--

you know her
and you love her.

Her new CD is called, uh,
"A Few Small Repairs."

This is it, and she's gonna
sing "Get Out of This House."

Please welcome Shawn Colvin.
Shawn Colvin.

(audience cheers and applauds)

♪ Go jump in the lake ♪

♪ Go ride up
the hill ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ It's a house
of your making ♪

♪ It's a house
of ill will ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go listen to Buddha,
Go listen to Joe ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ If anyone asks, you just
tell 'em you don't know ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

Hi.
Hey.

Are you sure you should
be here in your condition?

Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
What'd the doctor say?

Well, they're not sure,
but they, uh, think I might have

swallowed a small
chicken bone at lunch
Oh.

and it just sort of
came, uh, up on me.

Oh.
But after a very
thorough examination,

the doctor
gave me some Tums.

♪ I spent 23 more
down in the hole ♪

♪ Now my soul is all right now
but I might get found out ♪

♪ And I got myself
this house now ♪

♪ And I can't get out ♪

♪ Out ♪

♪ And if I see you again
it will be in my head ♪

♪ At the end of a cloud ♪

♪ And if you see me again
it will be in your head ♪

♪ Telling you to get out ♪

♪ Oh, you act like a baby,
You talk like a fool ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go back to your mama,
Go back to high school ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go jump in the lake ♪

You know, Brian, after this
most recent brush with death,
Mm-hmm.

I have a wonderfully
new perspective.

I mean, I don't care what
Kevin Nealon or anyone says.

I... I love my job
and I'd-- I'd be happy to do it

for the rest of my life.

That's great.

♪ House ♪

♪ House ♪

(audience cheers and applauds)

I love that song.
That's a great song.
Isn't she great?

What's the name
of that song?

That song is called
"Get Out of This House."

Oh, that's my wife's
favorite song.

She plays it
all the time.

Are you having
problems at home?

No, no.
We're doing fine.

My wife will never divorce me
'cause she knows if she does,

I get half of everything.
(audience laughs)

Larry:
You are hilarious.

Stop it.
You are.

I gotta tell you, I actually
like being a sidekick.

This is fun.
Well, you're good at it.

Oh, thank you very much.
You're good at it.

I don't want to steal
anybody's job,

but I could see myself
doing this every night.

You know,
so could I.

So could, I think,
everybody.

(audience applauds)

Oh, my God.
You've been excused.

(end music playing)