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1
00:00:14,119 --> 00:00:17,209
Hank:
Now that sign says,
"Applesauce."
2
00:00:17,230 --> 00:00:19,220
(audience laughing)
No, no, no. I'm kidding.
3
00:00:19,239 --> 00:00:22,039
It says, "Applause."
4
00:00:22,059 --> 00:00:24,239
(applause)
All right.
5
00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:28,060
Now, remember, you're
all a big part of the show.
6
00:00:28,079 --> 00:00:32,149
So the better you are,
the better Larry is.
7
00:00:32,170 --> 00:00:33,200
Okay. Now you see
this gentleman?
8
00:00:33,219 --> 00:00:35,069
Now, he's giving me this sign,
9
00:00:35,090 --> 00:00:38,020
and it says,
"We're on in 10 seconds,"
10
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:40,269
so get ready to have
a good time.
11
00:00:40,289 --> 00:00:42,279
All right, here we go.
12
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,090
This is exciting, isn't it?
13
00:00:45,109 --> 00:00:49,129
Man:
In five, four,
three, two...
14
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:53,249
(theme music playing)
15
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:56,020
Hank:
Live, on tape
from Hollywood,
16
00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:57,189
the "Larry Sanders Show."
17
00:00:57,210 --> 00:00:59,130
Tonight, join
Larry and his guests
18
00:00:59,149 --> 00:01:02,129
Ron Howard, Anita Baker,
Richard Mulligan,
19
00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:05,099
and me, "Hey Now"
Hank Kingsley!
20
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:08,240
And now because
the music makes him move,
21
00:01:08,260 --> 00:01:12,230
Larry Sanders!
22
00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:15,210
(cheers and applause)
23
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:26,110
Please...
24
00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:29,109
Please.
Thank you, thank you.
25
00:01:31,030 --> 00:01:33,250
CBS, uh, fired,
uh, Connie Chung
26
00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:35,270
from the Evening, uh, News.
27
00:01:35,289 --> 00:01:39,129
(audience boos)
Uh, well...
28
00:01:39,150 --> 00:01:42,100
We're Connie Chung fans here
at the "Larry Sanders Show."
29
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,290
She's on the show often,
30
00:01:44,009 --> 00:01:46,129
and it was unfortunate
they had to get rid
of Connie Chung
31
00:01:46,150 --> 00:01:49,100
because she insisted
that her sign-off line
32
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,140
on the CBS Evening News was
33
00:01:52,159 --> 00:01:54,259
"I do you a long time, Joe."
34
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,270
(laughs)
35
00:01:56,289 --> 00:01:59,129
(audience laughs, cheers)
36
00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:05,160
You know...
37
00:02:05,180 --> 00:02:09,260
"I... I do you
a long time, Joe."
38
00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:12,060
(laughs)
39
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:17,020
I... I so rarely laugh
at my own, uh, stuff
40
00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:21,279
that I'm overjoyed that
something struck me funny.
41
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,200
McDonald's is opening its first
kosher restaurant in Israel.
42
00:02:25,219 --> 00:02:27,149
It will also be the first
McDonald's to have
43
00:02:27,170 --> 00:02:29,230
the new Never-Happy Meal.
44
00:02:30,229 --> 00:02:33,249
(cheers and applause)
45
00:02:33,270 --> 00:02:37,020
Author Thomas Booth
is promoting a calendar,
46
00:02:37,039 --> 00:02:39,069
and this is
a true calendar.
47
00:02:39,090 --> 00:02:41,200
It's entitled
"Women Who Smoke,"
48
00:02:41,219 --> 00:02:44,189
and he said he wants
to dispel the myth
49
00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:47,180
that women who smoke
are unattractive.
50
00:02:47,199 --> 00:02:48,219
This is, I believe,
51
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,160
a follow-up to his
previous calendar...
52
00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:54,120
(laughs)
53
00:02:57,159 --> 00:03:02,109
I think this is as funny
as the Connie Chung joke.
54
00:03:02,129 --> 00:03:05,259
This, of course, is a follow-up
to his previous calendar
55
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,130
"Chicks with One Eye."
56
00:03:08,150 --> 00:03:11,130
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
57
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:13,260
You don't talk to me
when Anita Baker is singing
58
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:17,090
because then it won't look
like I'm listening.
59
00:03:17,110 --> 00:03:19,020
Hank was just scatting,
60
00:03:19,039 --> 00:03:20,229
but next time,
shut the fuck up.
61
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:22,040
Thank you.
Gentlemen,
62
00:03:22,060 --> 00:03:23,120
please don't forget
Thursday afternoon
63
00:03:23,139 --> 00:03:24,189
is the promo shoot.
64
00:03:24,210 --> 00:03:26,260
Hey, Larry, we can't
put this off any longer.
65
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,100
We have to choose a concept.
Fine, what are
the choices?
66
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,270
Big Larry,
Little Hank puppet.
67
00:03:31,289 --> 00:03:34,019
Big comedy,
no strings attached.
Yeah, fine.
68
00:03:34,039 --> 00:03:35,159
Why do I have to be
the little puppet?
69
00:03:35,180 --> 00:03:38,050
Okay, Larry and Hank
by the pool
in bathing suits.
70
00:03:38,069 --> 00:03:39,119
Summer of fun.
71
00:03:39,139 --> 00:03:40,169
Fine.
No.
72
00:03:40,189 --> 00:03:42,089
No? Okay, last one.
73
00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:45,200
Larry and Hank soaring
over the audience.
74
00:03:45,219 --> 00:03:47,039
High-flying comedy!
75
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,160
That sounds--
that sounds like fun.
76
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:49,270
Who writes this shit?
77
00:03:49,289 --> 00:03:50,999
Network publicists.
78
00:03:51,020 --> 00:03:52,210
They think this kind
of crap is clever.
79
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:55,120
Hankala!
80
00:03:55,139 --> 00:03:56,209
Agent Sid?
81
00:03:56,229 --> 00:03:58,169
Follow me.
Big news!
82
00:03:58,189 --> 00:04:00,289
Right here.
And now, my darling,
83
00:04:01,009 --> 00:04:02,259
there is someone
I want you to meet.
84
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:07,110
This is, uh, Irene Goodman
of Southern Orange Growers.
85
00:04:07,129 --> 00:04:08,229
Hello, Irene!
How do you do?
86
00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:11,010
And there is something she would
like to tell you in person.
87
00:04:11,030 --> 00:04:12,100
Okay.
88
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:16,190
Hank, we have chosen you to be
our new commercial spokesman.
89
00:04:16,209 --> 00:04:17,199
Oh, boy!
What did I tell you?
90
00:04:17,220 --> 00:04:19,080
Thank you!
This is great!
91
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,230
This is really,
I'm, uh-- I'm, uh--
92
00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,140
I'm just--
I'm just juiced.
93
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,180
Juiced! Ha ha!
That's cute!
94
00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:24,189
Sid: Is that a funny?
Yes.
95
00:04:24,209 --> 00:04:26,029
Just out of curiosity,
96
00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:28,040
who'd I beat out
for this job?
97
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:31,120
Well, I believe it was between
you and Sandy Duncan.
98
00:04:31,139 --> 00:04:33,039
Really? Oh!
99
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:35,090
Oh, and-- and--
and they were afraid
100
00:04:35,110 --> 00:04:37,180
that people would think
the eye thing
101
00:04:37,199 --> 00:04:40,029
was because of
the orange juice.
102
00:04:40,050 --> 00:04:42,250
Now there is
one final formality.
103
00:04:42,269 --> 00:04:45,189
You probably know that we have
had some problems
104
00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:47,189
with a few of our spokesmen.
105
00:04:47,209 --> 00:04:49,239
Yes. Burt Reynolds.
106
00:04:49,259 --> 00:04:51,189
A tense man.
Yes, well...
107
00:04:51,209 --> 00:04:54,089
Um, would you mind answering
a few questions?
108
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:55,160
No! No, not at all.
109
00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:56,220
Feel free.
110
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,130
Um, have you
ever been arrested?
111
00:04:58,149 --> 00:05:00,019
(laughs)
Never, no.
112
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,210
Never, ever. He's--
He's a good boy.
113
00:05:02,230 --> 00:05:04,080
Do you ever
smoke marijuana?
114
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:05,250
(laughs)
115
00:05:05,269 --> 00:05:07,029
No way.
116
00:05:07,050 --> 00:05:09,150
He doesn't even eat
smoked whitefish.
117
00:05:09,170 --> 00:05:12,270
Or engage in any activities
that would reflect adversely
118
00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:15,010
upon the Southern
Orange Growers?
119
00:05:15,029 --> 00:05:16,129
Okay, let me explain
something to you.
120
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,219
I'm a very simple man.
121
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:20,060
I come here.
I do my work. I go home.
122
00:05:20,079 --> 00:05:22,129
I read, uh,
the "Bridges of..."
123
00:05:22,149 --> 00:05:23,139
Sid:
"Madison County."
124
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,230
"Madison County,"
125
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:27,000
and if that's boring,
just bore me silly
126
00:05:27,019 --> 00:05:28,139
'cause I love it.
127
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,030
I knew we picked
the right man.
128
00:05:30,050 --> 00:05:31,040
Well, thank you!
129
00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,170
See, I told you
Hank's not in right now.
130
00:05:32,189 --> 00:05:34,029
We shouldn't be in here.
131
00:05:34,050 --> 00:05:35,080
(laughs)
132
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:38,100
I know he's got some candy.
I see him eating it all day.
133
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,170
Hey now,
I know I'm stoned--
134
00:05:39,189 --> 00:05:41,099
Why? To get
to the other side?
135
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:44,030
(sarcastic laugh)
Where does he keep the cigars?
136
00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:45,190
Did you ever see
the candy at the movies?
137
00:05:45,209 --> 00:05:47,069
Oh, yeah.
They're huge.
138
00:05:47,090 --> 00:05:50,160
Yeah, those Nestle Crunch bars,
they weigh like a pound.
139
00:05:50,180 --> 00:05:52,090
Ah, treasure!
140
00:05:52,110 --> 00:05:54,240
Here we go.
Great! Shh! Let's go!
141
00:05:54,259 --> 00:05:56,019
Hey, look at this! Look!
142
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,080
Hey, kids, let's go smoke
another fatty
143
00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,110
and watch Hank's birthday.
144
00:06:00,129 --> 00:06:02,089
(laughs)
145
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,089
It's a nice office.
146
00:06:06,110 --> 00:06:08,230
Hank (on video tape):
Open the door?
147
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:11,120
Oh, I'll do that.
148
00:06:11,139 --> 00:06:14,149
Wow, is this going
to be a surprise?
149
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,170
Women:
Happy birthday!
150
00:06:18,189 --> 00:06:19,259
Hank:
Ho ho ho ho!
151
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,209
It's my birthday!
152
00:06:21,230 --> 00:06:23,190
(all laughing)
Hey now.
153
00:06:23,209 --> 00:06:25,039
So imagine us watching
this last night.
154
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,280
We're stoned.
Hank's birthday.
155
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,270
We think it's Hank
and Ray Combs eating cake.
156
00:06:28,290 --> 00:06:31,010
I shall wash,
but I shan't be clean.
157
00:06:31,029 --> 00:06:34,189
Pinky's got the tits.
Bootsy's got the ass.
158
00:06:34,209 --> 00:06:38,029
Hey, Paula, have you
seen Larry? I--
159
00:06:38,050 --> 00:06:39,110
(moaning)
160
00:06:39,129 --> 00:06:41,249
Larry Sanders thinks
he's the boss.
161
00:06:41,269 --> 00:06:43,099
That's right!
But you're the boss.
162
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:44,110
That's right.
163
00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:46,049
Oh, my God.
164
00:06:46,069 --> 00:06:48,169
(gasps)
Ooh, it's Hank!
165
00:06:48,189 --> 00:06:50,029
Eww!
166
00:06:50,050 --> 00:06:51,070
Yeah, maybe
we should shut it off.
167
00:06:51,090 --> 00:06:53,090
No, no, no,
let it play.
Let it play.
168
00:06:53,110 --> 00:06:54,100
What's wrong?
169
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,050
Hank:
I...
We talked about this!
170
00:06:56,069 --> 00:06:57,199
Don't bring up Artie.
171
00:06:57,220 --> 00:07:00,030
Now, the snake
doesn't like Artie.
172
00:07:00,050 --> 00:07:02,110
The snake!
Oh, my God!
173
00:07:02,129 --> 00:07:03,999
(hissing)
174
00:07:04,019 --> 00:07:06,209
What's going on?
175
00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:08,100
Hank (on TV):
Up periscope!
176
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,210
(screaming and laughing)
177
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:14,059
Where'd you get this?
178
00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:16,029
Um... from your office.
179
00:07:16,050 --> 00:07:17,230
You stole this
from my office?
180
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:19,100
No, not exactly.
You stole this from my office.
181
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,000
Not exactly,
we-- we were walking by.
182
00:07:21,019 --> 00:07:22,099
It said, "Hank's birthday."
183
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,150
We thought we'd missed
your party or something.
Shame on you.
184
00:07:24,170 --> 00:07:25,290
Sit down.
185
00:07:26,009 --> 00:07:29,029
Shame on you.
Shame on you.
186
00:07:29,050 --> 00:07:31,010
Exactly at what point
did you realize
187
00:07:31,029 --> 00:07:33,169
this wasn't
Hank's birthday?
188
00:07:37,209 --> 00:07:39,189
This isn't my tape.
189
00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:43,100
What did you do?
190
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,070
Copies.
Not a copy.
191
00:07:46,090 --> 00:07:48,260
Copies, as in more than one!
192
00:07:48,279 --> 00:07:52,059
In the first place,
we do not panic.
193
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:54,039
It's like
the Rob Lowe situation.
194
00:07:54,060 --> 00:07:56,090
Nobody remembers
the Rob Lowe tapes.
195
00:07:56,110 --> 00:07:57,100
Rob Lowe?
Rob Lowe.
196
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,110
Rob Lowe.
Rob Lowe!
197
00:07:58,129 --> 00:07:59,219
Excuse me.
Just an easy question.
198
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,150
Don't want to shake you up.
What's my name?
199
00:08:01,170 --> 00:08:04,090
Irving Sussman.
What's my name?
200
00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:06,080
Hank Kinglsey.
I know your name.
201
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,240
Rob Lowe has
a playboy image, right?
202
00:08:08,259 --> 00:08:10,999
So?
Go ahead.
Okay-- So?
203
00:08:11,019 --> 00:08:12,139
People think
of Hank Kingsley
204
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:15,130
as just
a meat-and-potatoes guy.
205
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:16,189
True, true.
You know?
206
00:08:16,209 --> 00:08:18,169
A guy you can invite
over for dinner.
207
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:20,189
"Hey, Hank!
What are you doing tonight?
208
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,049
"Do you want some dinner?
Come on over!
209
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,219
"We're having some
meat and potatoes.
210
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,080
"What's that?
You can't make it?
211
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,180
You're busy?
What are you doing?"
212
00:08:26,199 --> 00:08:28,239
"Well, I'm just fucking
two women!"
213
00:08:31,029 --> 00:08:33,119
Jesus.
Would you say something?
214
00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:36,179
It cycles!
Show business is cycles.
215
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:40,170
Do you understand
how humiliating this is?
216
00:08:40,190 --> 00:08:43,100
Do you understand
how exposed I feel?
217
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:47,030
My God, I can lose
the Orange Growers... deal.
218
00:08:47,049 --> 00:08:49,269
Who knew you were gonna
pull out your pecker on camera?
219
00:08:49,289 --> 00:08:52,039
This is what you choose
to say to me at this moment.
220
00:08:52,059 --> 00:08:53,109
I didn't--
I didn't do it!
221
00:08:53,129 --> 00:08:54,239
This is how you choose
to represent--
222
00:08:54,259 --> 00:08:56,179
You know, maybe I need
a younger agent.
223
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:57,240
Oh, Hank, please.
I'm not kidding.
224
00:08:57,259 --> 00:08:59,199
I'm talking to some people
at William Morris.
225
00:08:59,220 --> 00:09:01,000
One of them
is in his 60s.
226
00:09:01,019 --> 00:09:02,049
He's looking
very good.
227
00:09:02,070 --> 00:09:03,140
So don't mess around!
228
00:09:03,159 --> 00:09:04,209
All right,
all right, fine.
229
00:09:04,230 --> 00:09:07,000
Tell-- tell Larry and Art.
230
00:09:07,019 --> 00:09:10,149
We can handle everything
but the loss of this job.
231
00:09:10,169 --> 00:09:12,029
In the meantime,
I'll snoop around town
232
00:09:12,049 --> 00:09:13,189
like a bloodhound
and look for the tape.
233
00:09:13,210 --> 00:09:15,150
Oy, oy, God,
help me up.
234
00:09:15,169 --> 00:09:18,179
Oh, God.
Easy, easy.
235
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,000
Oy, I have to get
more exercise.
Come on, come on.
236
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,189
And I gotta find a gym
that'll take me.
Come on!
237
00:09:23,210 --> 00:09:25,040
Hey, Artie!
238
00:09:25,059 --> 00:09:26,149
I was just working
on the promos.
239
00:09:26,169 --> 00:09:27,279
We're still shooting
those tomorrow, right?
240
00:09:28,009 --> 00:09:29,029
Right.
241
00:09:29,049 --> 00:09:30,049
How are your flakes?
242
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,220
Flakes are good.
243
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,030
I trust they're
still crispy in the milk.
244
00:09:34,049 --> 00:09:35,289
Actually, they're
kind of soggy.
245
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,169
I ought to kick your ass.
Excuse me?
246
00:09:38,190 --> 00:09:40,080
That tape you copied
is crawling around town
247
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:41,150
like a fucking Ebola virus.
248
00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:42,279
I only made one copy.
249
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,190
And then sent it into the world
like the fucking Ebola virus.
250
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,080
I just sent it
to a friend.
251
00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,110
So what are you doing to resolve
the situation, sonny boy?
252
00:09:51,129 --> 00:09:53,049
Because this little stunt
of yours
253
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:55,020
may well cost that poor man
his livelihood.
254
00:09:55,039 --> 00:09:56,119
If Hank goes down,
you go down.
255
00:09:56,139 --> 00:09:58,049
You'll be gone, Phil. Zzzt!
256
00:09:58,070 --> 00:09:59,130
God, listen,
I'm sorry--
257
00:09:59,149 --> 00:10:01,159
I don't give a shit!
258
00:10:01,179 --> 00:10:03,999
Pick up the phone
and get the names and numbers
259
00:10:04,019 --> 00:10:05,029
of everyone who's a part
260
00:10:05,049 --> 00:10:07,289
of this underground
railroad of perverts.
261
00:10:08,009 --> 00:10:10,189
You and I are gonna
get these tapes back?
262
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,160
And I hope to hell
it's not too late.
263
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,179
Artie, I really am sorry.
264
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,130
No problem, buddy!
You make me laugh!
265
00:10:18,149 --> 00:10:20,089
I hope to hell we don't
have to fire your ass.
266
00:10:24,139 --> 00:10:26,009
It's a tough town,
that New York.
267
00:10:26,029 --> 00:10:27,039
It is a tough town.
268
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:28,159
They got, uh, you know,
269
00:10:28,179 --> 00:10:30,109
homeless guys everywhere
you look, you know?
270
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,229
And that's tough,
it breaks your heart, you know?
271
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:34,000
And, uh...
272
00:10:34,019 --> 00:10:35,279
I seen one guy there
the other day in New York,
273
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,250
a homeless guy had
a dog with him, you know?
274
00:10:38,269 --> 00:10:40,019
Yeah.
And that's tough.
275
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:43,119
You feel sorry for the--
for the dog, you know?
276
00:10:43,139 --> 00:10:44,249
I mean...
Right.
277
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,229
You know, the dog's not
thrilled with the deal.
278
00:10:46,250 --> 00:10:50,060
He's got a homeless guy,
you know?
279
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,010
And, uh...
280
00:10:52,029 --> 00:10:53,229
It's bad enough when the dog
doesn't have a house.
281
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:56,070
Right, now it's--
282
00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,170
You know, he's going,
"Hey, I can do this by myself.
283
00:10:58,190 --> 00:11:00,020
I don't need a goddamn..."
284
00:11:00,039 --> 00:11:01,279
Right.
You know?
285
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,200
It's like the longest walk
in the world
286
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:05,130
to the dog, you know?
287
00:11:05,149 --> 00:11:07,079
(laughter, applause)
288
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:11,010
He's just waiting...
289
00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:12,069
Well, why don't
we take a break,
290
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:14,020
and then we'll,
uh, come back,
291
00:11:14,039 --> 00:11:15,139
and we'll, uh, talk some more.
292
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:16,289
You wanna do that?
Yeah, that's great.
293
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,069
Okay, you're just hilarious.
294
00:11:18,090 --> 00:11:20,100
We'll be right back
with Norm MacDonald.
295
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,050
More with Norm
right after this break.
296
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:25,150
No flipping!
297
00:11:26,139 --> 00:11:29,199
Stagehand:
We're clear!
298
00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:31,220
Good. Good, good,
good, good, good--
299
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,120
Hey, hey, Lar,
I, uh...
300
00:11:33,139 --> 00:11:35,099
saw that tape of Hank, man.
301
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,190
That's some kind of hog
he's got on him, huh?
302
00:11:38,210 --> 00:11:40,230
I'm glad the Fonz
is sitting here between us.
303
00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:42,030
I feel kind of safe.
304
00:11:45,070 --> 00:11:47,010
You look
really good, Hank.
305
00:11:47,029 --> 00:11:48,209
Very centered.
306
00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:50,040
Life must be good, huh?
307
00:11:50,059 --> 00:11:52,179
I'm drunk.
308
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,250
Actually my life is shit.
309
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:57,210
Well, it can't be that bad.
310
00:11:57,230 --> 00:12:01,060
I mean, I just heard
that you were coming out
311
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,020
with some kind of a tape,
an exercise tape.
312
00:12:03,039 --> 00:12:04,049
Congratulations.
313
00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:05,270
What is that, a joke?
314
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:07,199
What, are you
trying to be funny?
315
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:10,230
You know, you can't
just, uh, bang a jukebox
316
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:12,290
and go, "Heyyy!"
317
00:12:13,009 --> 00:12:15,999
and all your problems
disappear, Fonzie.
318
00:12:17,090 --> 00:12:18,080
It worked for me.
319
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,160
Aw, go fuck yourself.
320
00:12:19,179 --> 00:12:22,239
Hey, Hank, Henry's
a dear friend of mine.
321
00:12:22,259 --> 00:12:24,209
He brought everybody
banana bread.
322
00:12:24,230 --> 00:12:25,270
He gave Larry
his sweaters.
323
00:12:25,289 --> 00:12:26,279
Don't pick on him.
324
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,050
If you want
to pick on somebody,
325
00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:29,060
pick on Norm MacDonald.
326
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:30,210
He didn't bring anything.
327
00:12:30,230 --> 00:12:34,060
I'm just kidding.
Hey, you're a very funny man.
328
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,220
You know, it's true.
You're very funny.
329
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,090
Really, I just wanna say that.
330
00:12:38,110 --> 00:12:41,020
My children love the,
uh, News Update you do
331
00:12:41,039 --> 00:12:42,109
on "Saturday Night Live."
332
00:12:43,210 --> 00:12:45,000
Have you seen Hank's tape?
333
00:12:45,019 --> 00:12:46,079
Man, it's unbelievable.
334
00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:49,140
The guy's got
a huge cock on him.
335
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,080
Then why is he so upset?
336
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,280
Hank: All right. All right.
Woman: Yes, yes.
337
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,030
Professor, she's lying!
338
00:12:58,049 --> 00:12:59,059
Hank:
Oh, now, Ginger,
339
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,220
you have been naughty
with Mary Ann.
340
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,150
Going to have
to punish you.
341
00:13:04,169 --> 00:13:05,249
We're going to, uh...
342
00:13:05,269 --> 00:13:08,059
Is it just me
or is Hank really hung?
343
00:13:10,139 --> 00:13:13,099
Well, the camera
adds 10 pounds.
344
00:13:25,090 --> 00:13:26,250
Hey, Hank.
345
00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:39,999
Hey!
346
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:42,179
We've got Andrew Shue
an the show tonight
347
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,230
and Alicia Silverstone.
348
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,100
That's pretty cool.
349
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:51,150
And, uh, next week,
we've got a couple guests
I'm pretty excited about.
350
00:13:51,169 --> 00:13:52,999
Joan Lunden...
351
00:13:53,019 --> 00:13:57,049
Tuesday,
and, yeah...
352
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:58,110
This Friday.
353
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,080
Don't let her talk to me
like that, Professor.
354
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,090
No, you don't
talk to her like that.
355
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:07,180
You wash your mouth out
with... Hank!
356
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,150
(Hank and women laughing)
357
00:14:09,169 --> 00:14:11,259
Woman:
Hey! Ooh!
358
00:14:11,279 --> 00:14:12,269
(woman purrs)
359
00:14:12,289 --> 00:14:14,189
This makes me
look really bad.
360
00:14:14,210 --> 00:14:17,030
You're going to have
to distance yourself
from this one, buddy boy.
361
00:14:17,049 --> 00:14:19,179
Because if Hank gets that dick
of his caught in a wringer,
362
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:21,020
everyone near him
is gonna get splattered.
363
00:14:21,039 --> 00:14:22,039
(knock on door)
364
00:14:22,059 --> 00:14:23,169
Hey, guys.
365
00:14:23,190 --> 00:14:24,240
How goes it, Hank?
366
00:14:24,259 --> 00:14:28,199
Uh, actually,
not so good.
367
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:30,220
My agent told me
to keep a lid on this,
368
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,290
but, um... I said no way.
369
00:14:34,009 --> 00:14:36,249
I gotta talk to my friends
Larry and Artie.
370
00:14:36,269 --> 00:14:38,229
Oh, can it,
we know about the tape.
371
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:41,140
Okay, I'm trying
to get them all back.
372
00:14:41,159 --> 00:14:43,039
I'm-- I'm-- I'm gonna
do the best I can.
373
00:14:43,059 --> 00:14:45,159
Hey, whatever happens,
we're there for you.
You know that.
374
00:14:45,179 --> 00:14:48,069
Artie: We're on the case!
Larry: Yep.
375
00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,220
All right.
Good.
376
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,210
All right.
That's all I need to know.
377
00:14:51,230 --> 00:14:53,030
Larry:
All right, all right.
378
00:14:53,049 --> 00:14:55,249
Hey, and we're gonna kill them
on those promos tomorrow!
379
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,269
Oh, they, uh-- I'm glad
you brought that up
380
00:14:57,289 --> 00:14:59,049
because didn't they
just change those?
381
00:14:59,070 --> 00:15:00,090
Yeah, that's right.
382
00:15:00,110 --> 00:15:03,090
Because I wasn't
feeling well.
383
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,130
Look fine to me!
384
00:15:05,149 --> 00:15:06,209
No. Under the weather--
385
00:15:06,230 --> 00:15:08,190
What do you want, to check
his goddamn temperature?
386
00:15:08,210 --> 00:15:10,030
Hank: No, no.
'Cause you can if you want to.
387
00:15:10,049 --> 00:15:11,179
No, no, I just, uh,
388
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,080
I wanna thank you
for your support,
389
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:14,260
please, in this time.
390
00:15:14,279 --> 00:15:19,009
It means so... so much to me.
Is my fly down?
391
00:15:19,029 --> 00:15:20,249
Huh?
392
00:15:20,269 --> 00:15:22,169
Oh, God.
I was just thinkin'.
393
00:15:22,190 --> 00:15:24,050
I know what
you were thinking.
394
00:15:24,070 --> 00:15:27,140
Larry, you've always
been there for me.
395
00:15:27,159 --> 00:15:28,209
Yes.
396
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,190
And I've always
been there for you,
and that's why that--
397
00:15:30,210 --> 00:15:31,290
that audience sees
that chemistry.
398
00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:34,129
It's right there
on camera.
399
00:15:34,149 --> 00:15:36,229
You know, sex is
not a dirty thing.
400
00:15:36,250 --> 00:15:39,120
Sex is not a crime.
401
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:42,139
It's a loving act between
two or more consenting adults.
402
00:15:42,159 --> 00:15:44,099
To quote our president.
403
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:47,010
(laughs)
404
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,179
There's our chemistry!
405
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:55,070
Is the cape right?
406
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,120
Woman:
Yes.
407
00:15:56,139 --> 00:15:59,259
Hi. Hi.
I'm Larry Sanders!
408
00:15:59,279 --> 00:16:02,149
And I'm flying high
with comedy
409
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,199
right here
every night at 11:30
410
00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:08,290
on KBSS Kansas City!
411
00:16:09,009 --> 00:16:10,179
Man:
And we cut.
412
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,100
All right.
Where's Artie?
413
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,200
He'll be back in a minute.
414
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:16,190
Okay, would you turn the fan--
Stop the fan, please.
415
00:16:16,210 --> 00:16:18,160
Jeez.
416
00:16:18,179 --> 00:16:19,209
I cut one
a few minutes ago.
417
00:16:19,230 --> 00:16:21,260
It must be all the way
to Seinfeld by now.
418
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:23,259
(laughs)
419
00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:26,019
All right, does my ass
look all right in this?
420
00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:27,279
I'm not qualified
to answer that.
421
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,010
Well, you have
a bad angle there.
422
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,229
Beverly?
No, it's fine.
423
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:31,260
Really?
It's good.
424
00:16:31,279 --> 00:16:33,109
Well, maybe I should
wear this all the time.
425
00:16:33,129 --> 00:16:34,189
What's the concept again?
426
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:37,040
The concept is you are
so excited about the comedy
427
00:16:37,059 --> 00:16:38,149
that you've taken flight.
428
00:16:38,169 --> 00:16:40,079
All right,
well, let's go on.
429
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:43,180
What's next?
Pittsburgh, okay.
430
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:46,070
Thought you were sick.
431
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:47,240
Yeah, I am sick.
432
00:16:47,259 --> 00:16:49,259
I'm sick as a dog,
they just insisted that, uh,
433
00:16:49,279 --> 00:16:52,119
that we do this today.
Well, you lied to me.
434
00:16:52,139 --> 00:16:53,279
Come on.
You lied to me.
435
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:55,040
You're a liar.
436
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:57,129
You are the one
who made the tape...
Oh, yeah?
437
00:16:57,149 --> 00:16:58,229
...who had the sex
with the two women...
438
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,210
You're a liar!
...and left it in a desk drawer
439
00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:02,000
to embarrass the show!
440
00:17:08,279 --> 00:17:10,139
Hi.
Hi.
441
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:11,190
I'm gonna kill him.
442
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:12,290
Who?
443
00:17:13,009 --> 00:17:14,159
Larry.
444
00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:16,100
I'm gonna wait for him
after the show
445
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,139
in the parking lot,
446
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,170
and I'm gonna
fucking kill him.
447
00:17:19,190 --> 00:17:21,210
Now listen to me,
you're gonna help me do it.
448
00:17:21,230 --> 00:17:24,270
I'm Lyle.
You're Eric.
449
00:17:24,289 --> 00:17:27,229
We're gonna grab
a couple of shotguns,
450
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:31,000
and we're gonna
take out Daddy.
451
00:17:31,019 --> 00:17:34,129
Shh! Okay?
452
00:17:34,150 --> 00:17:36,260
What are you laughing at, huh?
453
00:17:36,279 --> 00:17:40,179
You bald piece of shit.
You fat little whore!
454
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,240
(crashing)
455
00:17:41,259 --> 00:17:43,259
Stop it!
Stop it!
456
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,269
Hank?!
457
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:47,149
Hank?
458
00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:49,270
Is this a bad time?
459
00:17:49,289 --> 00:17:52,109
Hello!
Oh, hello!
460
00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:54,130
Irene Goodman,
Southern Orange Growers.
461
00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:55,290
Yes, yes, that's
what I thought.
462
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,179
Hank's talked
so much about you.
463
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:58,230
I'm, uh--
464
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,010
Oh, Larry, we are
such fans of yours
465
00:18:00,029 --> 00:18:01,209
at the Orange Growers.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
466
00:18:01,230 --> 00:18:03,170
I'm a big fan
of the Orange Growers.
467
00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:05,250
Without you,
there'd be no oranges.
468
00:18:05,269 --> 00:18:07,289
(both laugh)
469
00:18:08,009 --> 00:18:10,279
You're so lucky to have Hank
as your spokesperson.
470
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,060
You know, he's just
in the middle of practicing, uh,
471
00:18:13,079 --> 00:18:16,089
the sketch moves
for the Ike Turner sketch
472
00:18:16,109 --> 00:18:18,079
we're doing a little later
on in the show.
473
00:18:18,099 --> 00:18:19,169
It's gonna be hilarious.
474
00:18:19,190 --> 00:18:20,270
That was great!
That was great!
475
00:18:20,289 --> 00:18:22,079
Oh ho! Ike...
476
00:18:22,099 --> 00:18:24,179
(laughing)
477
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,010
Listen, we have
to do the show,
478
00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:29,179
but why don't you stay
and watch in my, uh, office?
479
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,000
In your office?
Oh, you wouldn't mind?
480
00:18:31,019 --> 00:18:33,009
Beverly! Beverly!
Beverly:
Yes.
481
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,109
Would you do me a favor
and show Ms. Goodman
to my office?
482
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,180
Make her comfortable.
Your office?
483
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,260
Yeah, my office.
484
00:18:38,279 --> 00:18:41,119
Everybody makes such a big deal
about my office around here.
485
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:43,180
I don't know... why.
486
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,080
But enjoy it,
have a good time.
487
00:18:45,099 --> 00:18:47,029
Don't touch anything,
especially the awards.
488
00:18:47,049 --> 00:18:48,259
Keep your hands off them.
There's a lot of them.
489
00:18:48,279 --> 00:18:51,149
Pen and pencil set,
that's an award.
490
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:56,200
My advice to you is that
you get all the tapes back
491
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,100
for your own good.
Okay.
492
00:18:58,119 --> 00:18:59,209
All right?
493
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:01,030
I'm going to do
the show now.
494
00:19:01,049 --> 00:19:02,059
All right.
495
00:19:05,039 --> 00:19:06,189
How many tapes?
One.
496
00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:08,240
Just one?!
But it's at "Hard Copy."
497
00:19:08,259 --> 00:19:10,179
What?!
Yeah.
498
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,070
Okay, uh, tell Ms. Goodman
499
00:19:13,089 --> 00:19:14,169
that I'll be there
after the show,
500
00:19:14,190 --> 00:19:17,260
and, uh, I--
oh, I gotta think!
501
00:19:17,279 --> 00:19:19,179
I gotta think.
502
00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,000
(sniffles)
503
00:19:23,019 --> 00:19:25,219
Look, uh...
I'm not a religious man.
504
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:29,150
I don't, uh, I don't have
a moral code to live by,
505
00:19:29,170 --> 00:19:34,030
But I-- I...
I will now.
506
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:37,089
If you could just...
507
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:40,169
Could you help me
out of this problem?
508
00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:43,090
If you do, Lord,
I will, um...
509
00:19:43,109 --> 00:19:45,269
I'll maintain...
"A public image consistent
510
00:19:45,289 --> 00:19:48,139
"with the family values
of the client's product,
511
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,290
"and all my actions will improve
the general perception
512
00:19:51,009 --> 00:19:53,129
"of Southern Citrus fruits,
juices, and related products,
513
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:56,010
"and I will avoid any actions
or appearance of actions
514
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:59,149
detrimental to the same."
515
00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:03,190
(sobbing)
So help me, God.
516
00:20:03,210 --> 00:20:07,270
Hank.
517
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:11,049
This is it.
The last one.
518
00:20:11,069 --> 00:20:12,209
I had to pull some strings
519
00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:15,030
with my old service buddy
Sumner Redstone,
520
00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,139
but I plucked it away
from "Hard Copy."
521
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:20,250
Thank you.
522
00:20:20,269 --> 00:20:21,259
It's over.
523
00:20:21,279 --> 00:20:24,099
The genie's
back in the bottle.
524
00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:26,179
Artie...
525
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,170
you're looking at
a newborn Hank Kingsley.
526
00:20:29,190 --> 00:20:33,190
He is decent,
and he is moral.
527
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,199
Amen, brother.
528
00:20:36,220 --> 00:20:38,130
"Full House"
was finally canceled.
529
00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:40,070
(audience applauds)
530
00:20:40,089 --> 00:20:41,139
Oh, yeah.
531
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,030
(laughs)
532
00:20:44,049 --> 00:20:45,119
Oh, don't worry.
533
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:49,180
Bob Saget's still doing the show
where people get hurt.
534
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:52,020
(Hank moans)
(laughs)
535
00:20:52,039 --> 00:20:53,169
And who's the boss?
536
00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:55,180
Both women:
You are!
537
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,190
(Hank chuckles nervously)
538
00:20:57,210 --> 00:20:59,150
(chuckling)
539
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:01,110
Well, I just blew out
the candles.
540
00:21:01,130 --> 00:21:03,100
You certainly did.
541
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,179
(door opens)
Hank:
Is that chemistry?
542
00:21:17,289 --> 00:21:19,189
I don't know what to say.
543
00:21:23,089 --> 00:21:25,049
I want this job.
544
00:21:25,069 --> 00:21:27,029
I want it.
It means everything to me.
545
00:21:27,049 --> 00:21:31,119
So... just give me
another chance, please.
546
00:21:31,140 --> 00:21:33,190
Is there anything
I can do? Anything!
547
00:21:40,190 --> 00:21:42,060
(whispering)
Would you like to come up
548
00:21:42,079 --> 00:21:45,209
to my hotel tonight?
549
00:21:45,230 --> 00:21:49,000
For only
Southern Oranges have...
550
00:21:50,079 --> 00:21:52,099
Yee-haw!
(laughter)
551
00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:55,089
...the taste of Dixie
in a purty little carton.
552
00:21:55,109 --> 00:21:57,179
Hey! What do you think?
553
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,200
Good, I wish it was me.
554
00:21:58,220 --> 00:22:00,050
Who'd you have to fuck
to get this?
555
00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:01,059
(laughs)
556
00:22:01,079 --> 00:22:04,239
(theme music playing)
39238
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