Original subtitles

Oh, these are beautiful.

Listen, uh, we have that Women in Media meeting tonight.

Just wanted to make sure you're still driving.

What's wrong?

Oh, no. Mr. Jon Lovitz.

Again. No.

He's still after you?

I did not know that.

It's getting worse. What?

(gasps)

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Oh, honey, we lookin' at 2,000 easy.

What am I gonna do?

I mean, I wish he would stop.

He does this every time he comes on the show.

Wait, wait, wait.

You get jewelry every time he comes on the show?

No, flowers.

First, it was just flowers.

Then it was flowers and, um, a Dottie West CD. (gasps)

Then it was flowers and a humble figurine. Aww.

Then it was flowers and a pasta machine.

Oh, gosh.

Darlene, call Artie's office.

See if he's still on for the game tonight. Okay.

Oh, my.

Who sent the flowers?

"Looking forward to seeing you again.

As always, Jon."

You see, I think it's courageous

for one man to send flowers to another man.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna put these right on the air conditioner.

(laughing)

What am I gonna do?

Oh, about Jon? Yeah.

Well, you just ask Paula and book him two more times.

What would that do?

Well, nothing, but by then, you'd have flowers and a Miata.

What are we waitin' for?

Uh, they're sending somebody down

to take you upstairs.

Oh, all right.

How many times you done the "Sanders" show?

Um, I think, like, 13.

Well, 14 if you count the time we got bumped by Desert Storm.

Ah, that fuckin' Saddam Hussein.

You must like Larry a lot. Is...

is that why you do it so often?

Yeah.

I mean, I like Larry a lot, but, you know...

they've got this beautiful, uh...

Uh...

Can I use this phone?

You're the boss. You want me to put up the partition?

Well, let me ask you a question.

Have you seen "City Slickers 2"?

No.

Well, then put it up.

(phone dialing)

I think she should have it.

It's not like she asked for it.

It was his decision to give it to her.

Who cares? It's just a bracelet.

Oh, Paula, please, you're just mad because

the only bracelets you have are made out of shoelaces.

I gave you one.

I know, and I liked it.

I'm sorry. No, I did.

It was different!

This is gorgeous.

Darlene, can...

can I wear this just for a couple of hours?

Keep it. No, I'm not gonna keep it.

I'll give it back to you at the end of the day.

I don't want it. No, Darlene, look...

why don't you just put an end to this

once and for all and go out with the man?

He's funny, he's nice...

I'm not going out with anybody in the business anymore.

Ahh-- No more comics, actors, or magicians.

Magicians?

(laughing)

Darlene? Artie, ballgame?

Just a minute.

Hank Kingsley's office.

Can you hold on a minute, please?

Hello? Who's this?

Jon.

Hi.

Listen, uh, I-- I, uh, I wanted to thank you,

now that I have you, for the, uh, the flowers.

They're beautiful.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm just-- I'm nutty about irises.

Is Jon Lovitz here yet?

No.

(humming)

What are those?

These are tickets to the Dodger game tonight.

Hank and I have an evening out together once a year.

Just the two of us. Uh-huh.

Tonight is that night.

Great, that'll be nice. Yeah.

These tickets are right behind home plate. Oh.

Nine innings of me listening to Hank whine

about his marriage bullshit.

Oh, so you stay for the whole game, huh?

Don't you wanna go?

Huh? Oh, I don't even have tickets.

I'm not going. Oh, I hate to part with them.

Hank will be so disappointed.

Why don't you take Jon Lovitz?

Took you a long time to figure out

what I was getting at, didn't it?

You had a big lunch today?

Yeah.

Oh, he doesn't want to go with Hank.

I've tried to be nice about it. he just won't stop.

Mmm, I have-- I have to admit,

I-- I found the gifts and the flowers cute at first.

I'm still getting a lot of use out of that pasta machine,

because there's nothing better than fresh pasta.

But you're right. You're-- No, no, you're right.

It's-- it's obviously-- it's gone too far.

It's very upsetting.

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna take Mr. Lovitz aside,

and I-- and I am-- going to talk to him.

Oh, you're so sweet, Hank.

Yes, I am. I am sweet.

Ah, Jarina. (chuckles)

Well, here's Scooter, Pepper, where's Poncho?

I'm afraid Poncho is no longer with us.

Oh, Jarina.

Oh, what happened? Did he...

(speaking Italian)

No, he was eaten by my neighbor's Rottweiler.

Oh, well, life goes on. Come, come, come...

come, come, come... We'll see you out there.

Oh, good. Good, good. Ahh, here we go.

Thank you, darling. Thank you so much.

Oh, what a good boy.

Yes. Yes.

There's the big man.

Gonna have a great show tonight, Hank.

Bruno, dust the dome.

Someone should have told me the bird lady was gonna be on.

Didn't you take your allergy pills?

Listen, I warned Darlene this morning that-- that

there would be birds.

Oh, well, well, forget about that.

I-- I don't care if my face swells up like a pumpkin.

There's no way we're gonna miss that game tonight.

Oh, goddamn it. Hank, bad news, buddy.

You know, Larry, he wanted to go to the game,

he heard I had tickets.

And you gave him our tickets?

Gave him? He took 'em.

He's the fuckin' boss. My hands were tied.

He's a fuckin' baby.

(coughing) Well, all I'm gonna say is

he's very complicated.

Yeah, one night out, and Mr. Big Man thinks

he can take anything he wants.

I hear you, but, you know,

next year's right around the corner, buddy.

Oh, it's not about the game.

I just wanted to have some special time with you

so we could talk. Oh, what's a matter, sugar, huh?

Is the marriage that bad?

It's the fucking birds.

Oh, you tell me. I've been married five times.

They were all the fucking birds.

No, that--

You knew what I meant, didn't you?

Jon: I was in "A League of Their Own," "City Slickers 2,"

and then "North," "Trapped in Paradise"...

Hey, Jon. "The Critic" cartoon...

Forget it. Oh, didn't mean to interrupt.

Well, well, well. Look who it is.

(both laugh)

Thanks for being here. Yeah.

Well, you know, your show must be really high.

Why is that? 'Cause you got me.

We have a lot of great guests.

How you been? Great.

Good, you know, uh, I was have the, uh,

ask if you wanna go to the Dodger game

after the show tonight.

I have a couple of tickets. Oh, yeah.

You wanna go? Really? Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.

Wow, great, well, we'll go right from here.

It'll be fun. Okay.

Uh, I'll walk you to your dressing room.

All right. I'm just gonna say hi to somebody.

I--I'll catch up to you in a second. Okay.

(bird squawks)

Darlene.

Hi.

Hi.

You look beautiful today.

As usual.

Thank you.

Did you get those flowers I sent you?

Yes, I did, thank you.

Did you get that little gift?

Yes.

Can I see it?

Huh?

Uh, Darlene, could you, uh, call makeup

and tell them to, uh, come remove my tissues?

I can do it.

Uh, no, no, uh, Bruno.

It's a-- it's a union thing. Okay.

Jonny.

Hey Now!

Yeah, I just wanna say welcome back, you know.

Mr. Funny.

Mr. Movie Star.

Oh, you forgot Mr. Hunk.

No, I was going to get to that.

But, to me, that comes after Movie Star. Oh, yeah?

Can I talk to you?

Yeah. Now, word has it that, uh,

you-- you got a thing for Darlene.

Is that true?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah?

I just think she's a terrific girl, you know?

Oh, that's fabulous.

I think she's really starting to warm up to me.

Piece of advice. Yeah?

Don't go there.

What?

Well, I, uh, just-- you know, don't waste your time because

frankly, she's not available.

Oh, she's not dating anybody now. I checked.

(chuckling)

Oh.

Yeah.

Can I... can I just have a second with you?

Just one second, please?

Yeah.

You see, oh, I-- I-- I don't even know

if this is, uh, my place to-- to say,

but, um, see the way you wanna go, this lady,

she doesn't go that way.

What are you saying?

Well, um...

she, um, she prefers women.

Oh, that's bullshit.

No, she's, uh, she's, uh,

she's a lesbian, Jon.

Well, I don't believe you. Well, I'm sorry, that's the--

Well, after all this time, why didn't she say anything to me?

Well, I don't know, but I-- you-- it's a very private thing,

a person's sexual preference,

and I-- I gotta tell you, I respect her decision.

Well, I don't believe you.

I would just...

I have to go.

Hank, Hank. Yeah?

Is she seeing a woman now?

Sorry?

Is-- is she seeing a woman now?

Is she seeing a woman now?

Yeah, is she seeing a woman now?

Um... yes.

Yes, she is.

Hi.

Hey.

So, uh, you're a lesbian.

Excuse me?

It kinda makes sense, you know?

Lot of stuff that we went through

makes sense now.

I only wish you could have told me yourself

instead of me having to hear it from Paula.

Paula told you I was a lesbian?

Oh, and by the way, I think Larry's gonna be

really pissed if he finds out you've been seeing Beverly.

Beverly?

Excuse me.

What? Easy.

Spilling. Spilling.

That's how you get Jon Lovitz to leave me alone?

By telling everyone I'm a lesbian?

I didn't tell everyone.

Jon asked Paula to confirm what I told him.

You know how she is with gossip.

She's like a-- a-- terrier after a rat.

Hank, how could you do this?

You know, Darlene, I-- I didn't know

that you had a-- a thing against gay people.

Frankly, I'm-- I'm a-- I'm a little offended

to find this out.

Hank, you lied. I didn't--

Now, come on.

Like you've never been with a woman?

Like you've never been with a man?

Fucking tabloids.

Well, I said, I said, "Potato," and she goes, "No, just fuck off."

(laughing)

You're hilarious.

I know.

Listen, uh, Larry,

I gotta ask you something.

Seriously. There's this girl in your office

I got a crush on.

Darlene. Y-- yeah.

Yeah. Well, how did you-- Did she tell you?

It's always Darlene. She was in "Playboy," you know.

I-- Did you see it?

No.

Oh, man.

Is she a lesbian?

What?

'Cause Hank said that she's a lesbian.

Now, I think he's full of shit.

(clears throat)

Look, if she's not, can you-- can you do me a favor?

Can you just, like, force her to go out with me?

Force her to go out with you. You want me to force her to go out with you?

Yeah, it's your show, isn't it? She has to do what you say, right?

That would be called sexual harassment.

Oh, come on. Yeah.

"Blow me." That's sexual harassment.

Mm-hmm. Be a pal, Larry. Do me this one favor.

Just make her go out with me.

I can't, Jon. Well, why not?

I gotta-- I gotta go talk to the bird lady.

Well, why not?

I can't.

What people do with their own time is their business.

I don't meddle.

(bird squawking)

So, she is a lesbian? (door closes)

Well, okay, we're on the set of "City Slickers"...

Mm-hmm. and, uh, we're out, you know,

in the desert, Moab, Utah.

It's, like, 110 degrees,

and this grip finds this dead snake.

So then he goes to eat, and he pulls the metal tray off,

and there's a snake on top of the mixed vegetables.

No, no, tell him just to do the tux rental story, okay?

Okay, what is that? He'll-- he'll remember.

He tells it every goddamn time we go shopping.

It's hilarious. All right.

So, we get home, and the vest is

three sizes too small.

Eh, that's the story.

I mean, it's just-- it's not-- it's not funny.

Well, you know, it's cute-- Do you think it's funny?

Well, it's not funny, no, No.

but it's cute that you and Larry shop together, I guess.

Yeah, it's adorable.

I just love spending hours with him,

watching him try on 100 pairs of pants, you know?

"Does my ass look fat in these pants?"

(chuckling) All right.

He's a nice guy, but sometimes he's wrong.

Anyway, can you go back and tell him I just wanna do the snake story?

Yes, I-- I promise you. Please?

Paula, I owe you. All righty.

Take your time.

Hi.

Hey, Darlene.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, Jon, listen,

there was a rumor going around earlier.

That you were a lesbian.

It's not true.

I know.

Uh, which leads me to my next question.

(laughing)

Wh-- where are we going after the show tonight?

I have to tell you something. Can we sit down? Yeah.

Can I go first? Okay.

Um...

this is-- this is really hard for me to say, all right?

A lot of women find me dreamy.

You are dreamy.

But the reason I can't go out with you

is because you're in show business,

and I have been hurt too many times.

You know, fine.

I am so tired of this. You know, yeah--

why would you want to go out with somebody that's famous

and rich and handsome and...

can give you the life you've always dreamed of

and can make you laugh all the time?

Yeah, pass.

I'm sorry.

Have a good show, Jon. Here's your cocoa.

It's hot.

Where'd you get that?

Oh, that. Oh, don't worry, Darlene said I could have it.

I-- Wear it. Oh?

Well, I'm just gonna give it back to her tonight,

'cause we're going out.

Oh?

To a-- a woman's meeting.

Um-- Oh!

I'm gonna give it-- I'm gonna give it back to her. Oh!

Oh-- Mr. Lovitz--

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, it's true!

Paula...

Paula!

(door opens)

Hey, knock, why don't you?

Why are you putting your shoes on

before you pull your pants up?

I always do. Why?

Superstitious.

Thank god you weren't in here a few minutes ago

when I was painting my balls.

Lovitz walked.

What?

He's gone. He left the show.

Well, what happened? What did you say to him?

I didn't say anything to him.

I told him you wanted to do the tux story,

and he didn't want to do it, and apparently he left.

Oh, man. I'm sorry.

What a child. He's a fucking child.

God, my ass looks fat in these pants.

Hey, cut the horse shit, Adam.

Your client walked off our show.

What are you gonna do about it?

Huh? Well, if you can't control your people,

you should be out of the business.

Yes. Give my regards to the darling Jamie.

Bye-bye. What did he say?

He says that Lovitz will not be back

and he's very upset. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Upset about what?

Upset about that I wouldn't let him

tell a little snake story?

What-- He's out of his mind.

All right, listen, we do three segments

with the birds, and then we bring out Carl Sagan.

Well, unless Mr. Sagan comes out

and shits a string of pearls, we have no show.

He's not gonna do that.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Yes, hold on for a moment. It's Jon.

Get his ass back here, will ya?

Uh, Jon. It's, uh, Larry.

Uh, listen, uh, I know you're a little upset,

and I just want you to know that, uh,

I apologize for Paula's misunderstanding

about the snake story.

You know, she's a little, uh, pig-headed, you know?

And, between us, she's got a, uh, eating disorder.

Yeah, seriously.

He-- he was gonna find out eventually.

Jesus. And what I'd like to know, Jon,

is if you'll just come back and do the show,

and then we will, uh, work this out,

uh, without any problem.

Jon?

I-- I-- I-- I must be on hold.

I don't even hear any breathing.

Let me talk to him.

Let me talk to him. I think I hurt his feelings.

Uh, Darlene, this-- this has...

to do with an argument that Jon and I had.

No, Larry. He's upset because I won't go out with him.

No, Darlene, he's mad because I was wearing

the bracelet he gave you.

What? He's upset because we had an argument

about the snake story.

I was wearing that bracelet-- You tell me

that you've never been upset

when you were romantically spurned?

Not like this. Emma Samms.

We agreed we weren't gonna discuss that.

You turned on her alarm system.

Now, you did not read the police report.

I'm quoting quite liberally.

You did not read the whole thing.

Hello, Jon? Darlene would like to talk to you.

Really?

She'll be right down.

He's in his limousine, sitting in the parking lot.

I can't believe you were willing to walk off the show for me.

I mean, that proves that you're nothing like

the other guys in the business I dated.

No, I'm not.

A lot like my character in "City Slickers 2."

I'm very open and I'm very honest.

Very honest.

That's why it was so easy for me to play.

And I was very good in it. Have you seen it?

Yes. You were great.

Why don't we go out then?

Look, I think, Jon, uh, let's get to it.

Uh, what Darlene is trying to say is that

she'd like to go out with you sometime,

so why don't you come and do the show,

take her to the Dodger game afterwards

because I can't go.

I've got another, uh, problem.

Yeah, but you-- but...

Excuse me.

I thought you said that she was a lesbian.

Oh, no, I can guarantee you she is not a lesbian.

You can guarantee it? Yeah, I can guarantee it.

Jon, forgive me.

Guys, guys, and nothing but guys.

That's our Darlene in a nutshell.

Yeah, I-- I can vouch for her, too.

Uh, we went out briefly,

um, but she, you know, she's a little needy,

but other than that--

I think she's just swell,

but we've got a fucking show to do, so let's move it.

Okay, see you out there.

See ya. Uh, Jon,

this whole mis- -misunderstanding

had something to do with the snake story, doesn't it?

What? What snake story?

Darlene!

Oh, look at 'em,

look at 'em, look at 'em.

They are so in love.

You know, I remember once with Margaret--

Hank, please, later. I'll take you to dinner,

you can tell me all about it.

This whole thing doesn't make sense.

Can you imagine Darlene with another woman?

♪ ♪