All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E09_English

Hank:
Applesauce.

No, no, no, no, no.
(audience laughing)

I'm, I'm kidding.
It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?

(applause)
All right.

Now, remember,

you're all-- you're all
a big part of the show.

So the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Look it, now you see
this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me
this, uh, this sign,

and it says,
"we're on in 10 seconds,

"so get ready to have
a good time."

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In... five, four, three, two...

(theme music plays)

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests:

Hugh Grant,
Bridget Fonda,

musical guests
Luscious Jackson,

and me,
"Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because it's hotter
in here than it is out there,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

(music ends)

Thank you very much.

(cheering, applause continues)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, that's very nice
of you, really.

Really, that's very nice of you
and welcome aboard.

(light laughter)

Celebrity caning victim, uh,
Michael Fay...

(scattered laughter)

What, what, what are you
giggling at?

Every time a guy gets smacked
in the ass, you laugh?

(laughter)

Is that it?

Something we all have left over

from when we got beaten
as a child, I believe.

Celebrity caning victim
Michael Fay

is back in the U.S.
from Singapore.

And I can assure you
that is a long flight,

especially when you have
to stand the whole way.

(laughter)

(cheering and applause)

He said he shook hands
with the man who caned him.

And, and he made some big deal
about that.

And frankly, I thought
that was just common courtesy

to shake hands with someone
who's seen your butt.

(laughter, light applause)

You know.

Which reminds me.

Nice to see you.

(cheering and applause)

Well, another misguided
gray whale has turned up

in Santa Monica Bay recently.

It was chased all the way
through the L.A. River

and right ultimately
into O.J. Simpson's driveway.

(laughter and groaning)

Well, you have, you have
reminded me

that the head writer job here
at "The Larry Sanders Show"

is open.

Please send all resumes
to my producer Artie,

and no sense of humor
is required.

Okay, Bobby Praskin
is a hack.

Dave Morgan, hack.

Tom Freeley, Tom Freeley
wouldn't know a joke

if it drove up and tried to park
in the crack of his ass.

Arthur, I have a three-year-old
niece who writes funnier stuff

than any of these guys.
Is she available?

Eh, you don't want her.
She naps a lot

and walks around
with a full diaper.

If she had a fondness
for malt liquor,

your niece could be
my father-in-law.

If you hire any of these guys
to be head writer,

the show's gonna go
directly into the toilet.

I haven't been able
to keep that job filled

for more than a month
since Jerry left.

I wouldn't have hired
that son of a bitch Frank

if I knew he had a deal
in the works

with "Grace Under Fire."

Opportunistic bastard.
Fucking writer.

We're still talking
about Frank, right?
Yes.

The great Bruce Fielding,
he's available.

A little late with Larry's
melon, huh, Beverly?

Oh, well, I had to go and get
a new one first, Arthur.

I mean, I had it already
cut out into little chunks

the way he always likes it.

Then he came in today,
said he wanted it bald.

Well, I'd do it except I'm
already dating someone.

Sorry.
Thank you, Phil.

I want the job,
Arthur.

If you're talking about balling
Larry's melon, forget it, Phil.

I didn't laugh
the first time.

I want to be head writer.

You're working
on a gag here, right?

No, I want the job
and I think I deserve it.

You're serious?
Yes.

(laughing)
Come on, Arthur,
I know the show.

I know what Larry likes,
I know his rhythms.

I don't think
it'd work out, Phil.

Why not?
Paula:
I got him!

I got Steve Martin
for Thursday, finally.

Hey, sweetie, another notch
on your booking belt.

How did you manage that?

Well, I charmed his ass.

I told him "Roxanne"
was my favorite movie.

I inquired about his play.

Another words,
you promised to blow him.

Oh, Phil, you know all
my little tricks, don't you?

Thanks, Paula.

Thanks, Phil.

Why wouldn't it work?

Well...

let's just say that, uh,

I don't think you have
the temperament for it.

Now, what does that mean?

Well, it means, Phil, that
you're a snide little prick.

Not that we don't love
that about you,

but what we're looking for
in a head writer

is more experience, someone
who is more of a people person.

I'm a people person.

That's true, in the last
two minutes alone,

you offered to fuck
Larry's melon

and you accused Paula
of promising

to orally service
a distinguished guest.

Let's face it, son,
you're a born diplomat.

Arthur.
Arthur?
Yes.

Have you seen Hank
yet today?

No.
There's a detective
from the police department

here to see him.

Look at me, I'm shaking.

Oh, sugar, calm down.
There's no problem.

Sure?
Yes.

Sure?
Yes!

Unless they found out
who killed Bob Eubanks' tree.

See? I didn't touch
any of that.

Give me the job, Arthur.

Well, just give me
another reason

why I should consider you.

Okay, because I think
that this is a great show,

but I know
I can make it better.

Larry's always wanted to do
more sketch work,

I agree with him.

I'm great at sketch.
I can deliver that.

A sketch does not
a head writer make.

Okay, I'd also like to meet
with Larry at 4:00 every day

to take a last look
at the material

we're gonna do
on that night's show

and to discuss
future projects--
Good.

That sounds good, yes.

I'll discuss it with Larry,
I'll get back to you.

Great, uh, listen,
I just want you guys to know

that whatever you decide,
I'll go along with.

No shit.

Oh, my God.
Well, you got me.

And I'm, I'm--
I want to apologize.

I just--
it's about the, uh...

handicapped parking plates,
is that right?

Ugh.

Okay, I have a friend

and he works at the Department
of Motor Vehicles--

Mr. Kingsley, I'm here
about your restaurant.

You have a serious problem.

I think you better
sit down.

How's it possible
you don't know what's going on

in your own restaurant?
Don't you ever go there?

Well, I don't hang out
in the men's room,
for god's sakes.

And that's where the detective
says these punks

are selling these drugs.

All these photos are gonna
look like he's talking.

Artie:
It's a talk show, Larry.

Albert, you're always getting
Larry with one eye closed.

That's 'cause I'm wincing
when Hank talks.

I mean, I suspected
some marijuana use, sure.

You know, what we used
to call wacky tobaccy.

Well, I still call it that,
wacky weed.

You know, I mean,
pot smoking I don't mind.

The kids, you know,
they get the munchies.

Hot wing sales go right
through the roof.

It's when these kids get
on god knows what, you know.

They eat like little birds.

Artie:
Okay, Albert, let's mix it up.

Fellas, let's try
a different pose.

In front of the desk.
All right.

Goddamn it.

Couldn't happen
at a worse time.

I mean, the travel guide people
are coming any day.

Yeah, well, there go
your five stars.
Right.

Uh, could you sit?

No, I want to stand.

Closer together?

No.

Perfect.

(Hank muttering)

I mean, what, what if one
of these poor kids, you know,

gets on, you know,
some bad stuff?

No one likes to eat
at a restaurant

where someone has died,
as a rule.

These are all gonna look like
he's talking, I'm telling you.

Just get some bouncers.

Get those bastards
out of there.

Get this.
What are you doing?

(grunting)
Oh, okay, put me down.

Get that roll...
Get it, get it.

Put him down, Hank.

Get...
Put him down!

I've got to ask you
something.

You know, Phil would like
to be head writer.

What do you think?

Oh, sure,
what the hell?

Okay, Phil,
I talked with Larry.

Congratulations,
you're the new head writer.

Hey, that is great.

Larry's okay
with all of this?

He gave a great deal
of thought,

he feels
it's the right way to go.

Unbelievable.

Thanks, Mike.

Arthur, I had this great
sketch idea for Larry

to do with Steve Martin,
you want to see it?

I do, run it by Paula so she can
fax it to Steve's people.

Sure, anything else
I need to know?

Uh, network meeting
tomorrow at 3:00.

You might want to bring
your razor out of hiding.

Shave, bathe, shampoo,
clean shirt.

See if you can wear something
a touch more conservative.

Any suggestions?

Just stay away from your usual
attire, that's all.

Hell, you look like you're
a member of Peanuts gang,

Linus with goatee.

Arthur, thank Larry for me?

Oh, sure, what the hell.

Okay, we got a sniper
in the audience.

So, uh, how much of a raise
you making?

You know, this decision
was based purely
on seniority, right?

(scoffs)
Come on, guys.

What if the sniper
turned out to be--

500?

I've been here almost
as long as you have.

Thousand?

Paula, send this sketch
over to Steve Martin.

If he has any questions,
he can call me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
little big man.

Steve Martin's not doing
a sketch, he's just paneling.

Well, that may have been
the case,

but I'd like you
to send it to him.

Uh, after I read it
I'll get it to him.

No, I'd like you
to send it to him

and then when you want
to read it, you can.

Just fax it to him.

He's not gonna do this.

Just fax it to him, okay?

Has Larry even approved this?

He hates doing sketches
with guests.

Yes, Paula,
it's been approved.

By whom.
By me, the head writer.

Is that true?
Yes.

Oh, goodie!

That means you'll be
gone in a month.

(elevator bell dings)

(laughing hysterically)

So I put the 100-proof Stoli
in his drink.

He never knew the difference
till he hit the floor.

(laughing)

Dennis, this is Phil,
our new head writer.

Hi, Phil.
Dennis Tomlin.

Hi, how's it going?
Hi, how are you?

Enough fooling around.
What's the word?

Dennis:
Ugh, numbers are good.

We really loved the fact you had
Sinbad on the other night,

especially since we're probably
gonna do a project for him.

Super.

Other than that,
great, great, great.

Great.
You?

Well, we'd like to see a few
more promos on primetime

and we'd like
to have a few more bucks

to get that 500-channel
dimmer board.

It'll update
our lighting package.

Mm-hmm.

Another thrilling meeting.
(chuckles)

Well, back to the grind.

See you next week.

And, uh, I'm buying the drinks,
don't forget.

Do I ever?

Hey, guys?
Excuse me.

Meeting's over, Phil.

Think we covered
everything we had to.

No, I have some things
I'd like to discuss.

Oh?

Sure.
Great.

Good enough.

Great.

Go ahead.

Okay, um...

Dennis, we're gonna be working
on bringing sketch work

back to the show.

Really?
Yeah.

I don't like sketches.

Exactly.

Research shows that, uh,

people don't like Larry
when he tries to act.

Something like 38%
of the audience,

they feel embarrassed for him.
Hmm.

No, I think we ought to focus
on the monologues,

leave the skits
to "Saturday Night Live."

(Artie chuckles)

No, I think we're gonna be
working on the sketches.

What is this?
Youth!

(grunts)
Well...

thanks for your time,
Dennis.

Shall I see you
at the 19th hole?

I have more.

Save it, Phil.
There's always next week.

(lowers voice)
I, uh, I don't know about this.

I'll buy the drinks
next week.

See ya, buddy.

Are you insane?

What?

What do you think
you're doing in here?

I-I came prepared.

You said that these meetings
are very important.

Yes, they are, all the more
reason to shut the fuck up.

(door opens, then closes)

How'd it go?

Great.
Very productive.

Are they gonna budget us
some more money

for the remote stuff?

Uh, actually, I tried to broach
that subject, but, uh...

Well, what did they say
about getting us
a writer's assistant?

Oh, I got to ask about that
next time.

It sounds like you didn't
ask for anything.

No, uh, listen, I asked
for a lot of stuff.

Like what?

Hey, you guys, uh,
I'm a little busy, okay?

They responded to a lot
of the ideas that I brought up.

It's just that some of them are
not feasible at this juncture.

Not feasible
at this juncture?

Phil, did that sentence
come with the suit,

or did you have
to buy it separately?

Ha.

I want 30 monologue jokes
in one hour.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Any word from Steve?

Yeah, he got the fax
and he's got some problems.

He thinks you're making fun
of mute people.

It is a takeoff
on "The Piano."

It does not work
without a mute.

No, duh.

He also doesn't want to wear
a loincloth on camera.

Oh, give me a break.
This guy makes a career

out of putting an arrow
through his head,

and he won't wear
a loincloth?

Ooh, that's the breaks,
junior.

Well, thanks for your help,
bitch.

Oh, that'd be so much hotter
if you were wearing your tie.

Hi.

I have a meeting
with Larry at 4:00.

(chuckling)

Hey, boss.

All right, what do you got
for us tonight?

Where's Larry?

Larry drives
through the canyons
every day at 4:00

to unwind before the show.

Then why did he agree
to these meetings?

When he agreed to meet with you,
this is what he meant.

So let's not waste
Larry's time.

Sit down.
What do you got?

I really think
Larry should be here.

I'll make a note of that

and I'll put it
in the official minutes.

When does he get back?

If there's something you must
absolutely discuss with him,

why don't you call him
on his fucking car phone, Phil?

Car phones don't work
in the canyons.

Bingo.
Got it?

Let's see
the Steve Martin sketch.

It needs a little work.

(laughs)

Ha-hee!

Ay, you're a very funny guy.

You like it?
My laughter is genuine.

Where did you get the idea
for this?

It's a takeoff on the movie
"The Piano."

Have you talked
to wardrobe?

'Cause I don't think
they'll be able to dig up

the costumes you want in time.

I need the costumes.

The costumes identify
the piece.

They're our first big laugh.

Do you need an actual piano

or can you use one of those
Casio keyboards?

I need an ornate grand piano.

Good, you aim for the grand.

When you get the Casio,
be thrilled.

Oh, uh, by the way,

you know, Mike's contract
is up in two weeks

and we're letting him go.

I'm telling him
right after tonight's show.

Arthur, Mike has done
some very good work for us.

I've been thinking about this
for a long time.

Arthur, do you remember
the Bosnian sheepdog joke?

Mike wrote that.
It got a huge applause break.

I'm sure he'll always cherish
that moment.

Keep up the good work, kiddo.

Come on.

Here's a '62 Lark
four-door.

Yeah.

So what are you doing
this weekend?

Guys, I need three more solid
monologue jokes for tonight.

Why are we busting
our asses?

You know, let's just go
through the pilot jokes

that he didn't use
from last week.

Those were funny jokes.

Tell that to Larry.

Yeah, you know, he's right.

Larry threw out a lot of really
good stuff last week.

I had that Janet Reno runner.

Greg had the thing
about the U.N. peacekeepers.

Guys, I'm trying
to finish this, okay?

No, that's what you should do.

Just tell Larry
he has to use

some of the jokes
from last week,

'cause that was
funny stuff, Phil.

Mike, do you like your job?

What?

Fuck it.

I'm gonna do the jokes.

You two can go sit in a corner
and jerk off.

Fine.

Okay.

But I can jerk off
anywhere.

Here is the sketch
with the changes.

I've left the loincloth in.

If he has any questions,
have him give me a call.

He did call.
He's not doing the sketch.

What?
He hasn't even read it yet.

As I predicted, Phil,
he wasn't gonna like it.

But instead of saying that,

he backed out of the show
entirely.

So guess what?
We don't have Steve Martin.

Thanks a lot, guy in charge.

Hey, listen, I wrote
a great fucking sketch

because you told me
we had a piece of talent
booked on the show.

Now I come to find out

that you don't know
what you're talking about?

Do your job, Paula!

Do my job?!
You do it, asswipe.

You get on the phone and find
a last-minute replacement

for Steve Martin, someone
willing to do hack sketch

about "The Piano,"
which, by the way,
is six months too late.

Nice topical meter,
dipshit.

Go fuck yourself.

(laughter and applause)

Hello.

(cheering and applause)

Nice to see you.

I'm Dr. Wagner
and I want you both to know

that I've been a marriage
counselor for 10 years.

And just by the fact
that you're here now

proves to me that you'd like
to save your relationship.

(audience laughing)

So, now, you have been
married for...

how long?

Don't look at her.
She's a mute.

We've been married
for two years.

(audience laughing)

I see.

All right.

And what seems
to be the problem?

Did you see "The Piano"?

Yes, I did and I thought

that you got along
very well in that,

if I may say.

Well, we did.

But then she plays
the same song

over and over.

At this point, "Chopsticks"
would be a thrill.

Cut it out!

Well...

All right, the notes
stopped being cute

about two years ago,
too, honey.

(audience laughing)

I see.

Now, am I... thinking
of something else?

But it seems to me,
in "The Piano,"

she started to learn
to speak at the end.

Oh, typical Hollywood ending.

In reality,
she's still a mute.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Why don't you go screw
yourself?

(audience laughing)

(cheering and applause)

Now...

Oh!
Oh, my God!

You're an amazing therapist.

This is the first time
she's spoken.

That is terrific.
That is terrific.

Yeah, do me a favor,
you know.

Jump in the lake,
will you please?

You know, you use me.
You take me for granted.

And, and, and what's
with the marks on the face?

I mean, let's talk--

They're genuine
Maori tattoos,

that's what they are.

Uh, Maori this,
will you please?

I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of your friends.

You bring 'em around.

You're dressed
like Vincent van Gogh.

What's going on with you?

You see?
This is good.

I've had it with you.
Can you make her stop now?

You don't take me anywhere.
What am I, chopped liver?

I'm sick of you.
Please, make her stop!

I can make her stop.

That'll cost you
an extra $1,500.

Can you see me
at 5:00 next Tuesday?

I can work you in
between the Rain Man

and the guy
from "My Left Foot."

I'll be there!
Okay.

(cheering and applause)

Thank you
for coming in.

Thank you.

(cheering, applause continues)

Man:
Clear.

Wow.
Whoa.

I thought it went--
I thought it went, uh...

I don't really do Harvey...
I thought it went-- huh?

I don't really do
Harvey Keitel.

I thought it went
all right.

This thing
is so up my ass.

Did you guys see
"The Piano"?

I didn't see it.
I didn't know what I was doing.

I didn't see
"The Piano" either.

But I thought the audience
thought it was funny anyway.

I thought, you know...
They did?

Yeah, I thought I looked
like a fucking idiot

in these glasses.

(overlapping chatter)

You were great.
Oh, God.

All right, I think the audience
is good tonight, by the way.

I blew that line.

(chatter continues)

I don't know.
I don't know.

You want creative control
of all the comedy pieces?

That's unheard of.

That's what I must
absolutely insist on.

You want your prop budget
doubled.
At least.

You want Paula fired?!

Yes, and I want to watch
while you do it.

If I'm to provide
the level of service

that's expected of me here,

I need a working environment
that's supportive.

Do you hear what I'm saying?
Yes, yes.

I hear what you're saying.

You don't want to be
head writer anymore.
Exactly.

These have been the worst
four days of my life.

I have no more friends here.

I'm the only one
who does any of the work.

And at the end of the day,
all I can think about is how

I have to come back here
and do it all over again
tomorrow.

It's a nightmare.
Ha ha ha ha.

A lot more fun being
the snotty little dork,

wasn't it?

Congratulations, son,
you're the head writer.

But I don't want the job.

That's too damn bad.

You're talented,
you care about your work,

you fight for what you want.

That's the qualities that
make you a good head writer

and give you ulcers
and colitis

for the rest
of your professional life.

But you got to let me
out of this.

Well, it's gonna be okay.

You're making 6,500 bucks
a week, sweetie.

Doesn't that soften
the blows a bit, huh?

6,500? No, no, no.
I'm only making 37.5.

Oh, damn it, there's been
a horrible mistake.

Jesus, I'll have
to fix that right away.

Arthur, this has nothing
to do with the money.

I just want you to find
someone to replace me.

How can I?
You yourself have told me

there are very few
talented people out there.

Oh, sure there are.
Bobby Praskin.

Hack.
Tom Freeley.

Hack.
Bruce Fielding.

Who?

Larry, my friends
in the audience

just loved the sketch.

Didn't you hear 'em
scream?

I'm sorry, I didn't know
those were your friends.

I wouldn't have asked
to have them removed.

Ha ha. Come on,
let's watch the tape.

Oh, no, I can't.

You know I get embarrassed
when I see myself act.

Horseshit.
You too?

Listen, about that thing
with Phil, just so you know--

Yeah, listen, what I want
to do about Phil is

I want to keep him at 37.5
on a trial basis, okay?

Yeah, check.
You know, until we see
if he gets along with Paula

and can keep his mouth shut
at those network meetings.

Check.
Would you do me a favor

and tell Craig to stop, uh,
presenting jokes to me

that I rejected
the week before?

Check.
Okay, and send Mike a note

telling him
that he didn't get fired

because of that
Bosnia sheepdog joke.

Check.
Good.

Listen, I'm also having
a problem

with Kelly the prop girl,
I'd like to replace her.

Oh, sure.
What the hell?

♪ ♪