All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E02_English

I don't see it.
What section is it in?

It's in Howard Rosenberg's
TV review.

I love this.

"There's a new wrinkle
in the late night world.

"Having survived round one
of the talk show wars

"and a two-month
drug rehab in Montana,

"Larry Sanders is
far from home-free.

"Sources say
a Montana woman

"is preparing
to publicly allege

that she is pregnant
with Sanders' child."

You know,
these tabloids,

they just make this stuff up,

and if you guys had any sense
at all, you'd know that.

Beverly, it's not a tabloid,
it's the "L.A. Times"

Let me see that, where?

Right there.
What does it say?

"Preparing to publicly allege"?

Well, if you're gonna
cover your butt that much,

why print it at all, huh?

She's a nut.
Look at that picture.

You can see
the craziness in her eyes.

That's Shelly Long.

You know, I'm prepared
to publicly allege

that Larry fondles
my buttocks whenever
I go into pitch jokes.

How much you think
I'd get for that?

Million, million
and five, depending upon

if you can prove your buttocks
is a source of income.

Well, not since college.

Good morning, Larry.

Good morning.

Paula, is Mimi Rogers
confirmed for tonight?

Paula:
Yes, she is,
I just spoke to her agent.

Excellent.

Anything good in
the paper this morning?

No. "Baywatch" was renewed.

Oh good, good, good.

Anybody see that article
about that woman in Montana

who claims
she's having my baby?

Mmm.
No.

Well, thanks for lying
through your teeth,

I appreciate it.

Although I hope the thing
about "Baywatch" is true.

Is it true?
I don't know.

Guy, would you excuse
us for a moment? Take two.

Is his name Guy?

No, he's just a guy.

Larry, about this item
in the "L.A. Times"--

irresponsible yellow journalism,
innuendo that is repugnant.

I did not sleep
with that woman
from Montana.

No?

No.
Just checking.

I haven't even met anyone I've
liked in the last six months,

why do you think
I'm so excited
about Mimi Rogers?

Hey, I get some
on a nightly basis.

I'm still excited
about Mimi Rogers.

You get some what
on a nightly basis?

Some of this,
some of that.

You don't wanna know.

Do you?
No.

Lousy bags of crap.

What, did Roseanne and Tom
take your spot again?

No. I'm just--
I'm just so sorry about
that Montana woman thing.

Now listen, how do you
want to play it on the air?

I... want to handle it
the exactly the same way

we handled that drunk driving
incident in '89, okay?

Okay, gotcha.

Good. Nice tie by the way.

Oh thanks, it was given to me

by the Chamber of Commerce
of Pittsfield, Maine.

Oh, that would
explain the lobster.

How's that?

Maine, lobster.

Uh, I got it.
You're working on a bit.
I'll play along.

Maine lobsters.

(cheers, applause)

And, uh, what a good crowd.

This is the best crowd
we've had all week.
Hank: Fabulous.

We have the, uh,
Fly By Nights

and the marvelous Mimi Rogers
will be out in just a minute,

and she is great.

And, Hank,
that's a nice tie
you got there.

That is a--
Thank you.

Speaking of ties there's
something else that

I'd like to get off
my chest if I may.

This morning,
Monday morning, uh,

it was ruined
by someone dumping a heap

of garbage
on my front porch.

(chuckles) That usually
happens on Tuesday mornings,

doesn't it?
That's why it threw you.

No, the heap
of garbage that

I am referring to is
the "Los Angeles Times."

All right, Artie says
we have to keep moving along.

I mean, you got a loony
out in Montana, who cares?

Right, gang?
Larry: All right.

(applause)

I mean, I once
had a woman and--
do we have time for this?

I once had a woman--
I don't think we need to--

I don't think we need
to get into the details
of this. Artie says--

She followed
me across seven states,

and she was quite a fruitcake,
I can tell you that.

All right,
some things are left best
to the imagination.

Her name was
Cindy Halloran.

All right, something.

Cindy Halloran from Pensacola,
thank you very much.

We'll be right back...

with the Fly By Nights
and Mimi Rogers,

Don't flip around.

Listen, Hank, what the fuck
are you doing out there?

I had to bleep you.
Bleep me, why?

What? Cindy Halloran,
Pensacola, Florida?

That fruitcake?
If we'd let that thing air,

we would've had a lawsuit
as big as the great outdoors.

I bleeped her last name,
so there's no problem.

Yeah, well,
I got a problem.

I mean the people
are going to think that

I called her Cindy
Fuckpot or something.

Of the Philadelphia Fuckpots.
Do you recall at all

how we handled the drunk
driving situation in '89?

Yes, I recall.
Do you?

Yes. I, uh--
you said, uh--

I said-- I said nothing.

We didn't bring it up
on the air. Do you recall?

I'm sorry.
Nothing.

I'll apologize

when we come back
on the commercial.

I'm so sorry.

I'll have to
bleep you again.

Oh please, no,
in six years

I've only been bleeped
the one time.

God, don't remind me.

Okay, I happened to say
the word "cum," so what?

In front
of Jessica Tandy.

Oh, that cry baby,

she's heard all
this shit before.

Artie.
Yeah.

Nothing.

Man:
In five, four, three...

And he did not--
did not become nude

in this movie.

No, well, you don't
become nude.

I mean, he didn't
take his clothes off.

You become nude.
I've read that about you.

No, I don't become nude.

No, what you're
thinking is that
I'm very becoming nude.

That must be it.

My next guests are two
of the finest jugglers.

We have them on the show
as often as we can.

Please give a warm
welcome to the Fly By Nights.

The Fly By Nights.

Would you like
a piece of gum?

Just half.

Do you wanna
go out some time?

You don't waste any time.

Well, they're only on for three
and a half minutes,

so I thought
I get right to it.

You doing anything tonight?

Well, to be perfectly
honest, I'm not--

I'm not really comfortable
having a date

if you're going through
this weird thing

that I read about
in the paper.

I'm not going through anything.
I swear to you, that is

just blown out of proportion.

Come over to my house,
we'll have dinner.

Want to do that?

We could watch
ourselves on TV.

We can watch ourselves on TV,
we have a lot in common.

I thought
Mimi was terrific.

That should win the Nobel
Prize for chemistry.

I hope so, don't forget
to submit me. Please?

You know, during the commercial
we really hit it off, too.

She said she likes juggling,
I like juggling.

Sometimes the magic
just appears.

Well, you know,
we are a variety show.

(knocks on door)

Boy, do I have a big surprise
for you, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Now get this,
I'm up in the audience

passing out "Hey Now"
buttons after the show,

and this lovely--
this charming young lady
walks up to me,

and she introduces
herself as your cousin.

Really? Patricia?

No, no, this is the cousin--
so I've been told--

that you haven't seen
for 16 years and, uh,

you know, that's not
right, Larry.

So as a very special surprise,
let's give a big hello to,

your cousin, hey now,
Mary Beth.

Hi, Larry.

Welcome, young lady,

I'm always glad
to meet a new twig

from the Sanders
family tree.

This is not my cousin.

I'm Mary Beth Nagler,

from Montana.
I'm having Larry's baby.

Give me the button.

I am--
I'm so sorry Larry.

We have a problem,
Larry, don't we?

Well, uh,
maybe it's something

we should sit down
and talk about
if you want to.

That might be good 'cause
"Hard Copy" is offering me

$5,000 to talk to them.

Artie:
Young lady,
am I to understand

you are blackmailing
Mr. Sanders?

(laughs hysterically)

I just wanted to let
you know in case

you wanted
to do something.

Do you wanna do
something, Larry?

Move another inch
towards Larry,

I'll take you down hard.

Oh, I like the way you
talked about us on the show.

One day, I'll be able to show
the baby that tape and say,
"That's your daddy."

Wonderful, Hank.
Are you insane?

Yes, I think I'm insane.
I don't-- I don't know.

She's in the audience.

Is she the only one?

Did you run across
some Muslim extremists

who'd like to meet Larry?

Would you get my attorney
on the phone, Beverly?

(dials)

Woman on phone:
Good morning, "L.A. Times"

Yeah, Howard Rosenberg's
office, please?

Woman:
Hold on.

Hello, Howard?

This is Hank Kingsley.

Kingsley.

Listen, and this
is off the... record.

But I don't know where
you're getting this crap

about Larry Sanders.

But it has got to stop,
it is a non-story.

And I understand you gotta
fill your column,

but don't fill it up with crap,
otherwise you end up

with what we call
in our business a crap column.

Uh-huh, listen, listen,

I've got something much,
much better.

Um, this is hard.
I was...

I was personally abused
as a child.

No, not sexually,
physically. Yeah.

I was beaten and I was kicked,
you know, that sort of thing.

Well, who do
you think did it?

The other kids, that's who.

So I think we should
just pay her off,

give her the $1,000
more than "Hard Copy"

and be done
with the whole mess.

Lloyd, what do you think?
If somebody finds out
you paid her off,

it would look like
an admission of guilt.

Roy, there is no way
the woman is pregnant

with my child,
all right?

But I'm telling you,
the longer this drags out,

the more people
start to believe it.

Michael Jackson
wrote a check.

Guilty.

All right, look,
okay, okay, fine,

let's not write
the check, okay?

What do we do?

Well, let's go
over the facts

so they're straight
in my mind, all right?

You do not know
this woman, correct?

No.
Very good.

You never met her?

No, I may have seen her
someplace you know,

but I don't know her.
Then you saw her?

Where did you see her, Larry?

I saw her in a restaurant
with a group of people
but, I never--

oh, I don't know her.
You never spoke?

No.

So, you never spoke?

What am I? I feel like
the Menendez brothers.

Oh, what those boys did.

Look, Lloyd,
I meet a lot of women.

He does.
Maybe I talked to her,

maybe I said hello.

What, you can't get pregnant
from saying hello,

unless you say it
to Warren Beatty.
(laughter)

All right, just take it easy.
I'll look into it.

Thank you.
Don't worry, we'll come
up with something.

That's it?
Yeah, for now.

Good.

All right, what did
that cost me, Lloyd?

Oh let's see, $750.

Make it an even seven.
Don't tell anybody.

I'll be in touch.
See you later.

Mm-hmm. Arthur.
Thanks a lot, Lloyd.

Lloyd: You bet.
(door closes)

You didn't tell me
you talked to her.

Oh, Jesus, come on.

You want some lunch?
Nope.

Wanna play basketball?
No.

You want to go shopping?

Buy yourself
something extravagant
to cheer yourself up?

Yeah.

Me and Tom Snyder,

shoving match right in
the Thrifty parking lot.

Uh, no, you're right,

you're right,
that didn't happen.

Roseanne didn't marry
her assistant either.

She gets to make up this stuff,
why the hell can't I?

Hey, hey, am-scray,

I'm on the one-phay.

I'm sorry, Howard.
Uh, okay, let me see.

I'll run through these and see
if anything works for you.

Okay, I'm afraid
of the dark.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

This is hard.

Red wine gives me hives.

I got a special thing
for... Asian ladies.

I found a more powerful lens.

Mimi:
I'm not seeing anything.
It's all just blurry.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Oh, my god, that is
Kevin Costner's house.

Yeah. Let me see.

That's amazing.

Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, it's clear tonight.

Normally, you can only see
to Whitney Houston's.

What?
Normally you can only see
to Whitney Houston's house,

but it must be
very clear tonight.

Can I see it?

Here, I'll show you
Whitney Houston's.

There.

Uh, can you help me focus?

No. That's better.

Is that--
Oh, I'm really
having fun tonight.

Are you?
Yeah.

Oh, that's it,
that's perfect.

(door bell ringing)

Are you, uh,
expecting someone?

No. If that's
Kevin Costner,

make sure that we pretend
we were just looking
at the moon, okay?

(laughs) Okay.

(door bell ringing)
I'm coming! Jesus.

Hope you don't mind
my dropping by at this hour.

(laughs)

What do you wa--
how did you get my address?

Are you gonna take care
of the situation or what?

How did you get
my address?

Oh, my God!
Mimi Rogers?

I love you!
I love you!

I loved you
in "Star Wars." Oh!

I think you're confusing me
with Carrie Fisher.

You are so great.

You know, after
I saw that movie,

I started doing my hair
in Princess Leia buns
for months.

That's very flattering,
thank you.

So did I, by the way.

This will just
take a second.

Uh, this is not the time
for you to be here.

Mimi, this is
Larry's baby.

(chuckles)

Well, uh,
congratulations, Larry.

Hello, gentleman.

Lloyd.
(door shuts)

What are
you doing, Larry?

I'm writing her
a check, Lloyd,

and don't try
to talk me out of it.

Maybe a check is
the right way to go. Larry,

because I have
checked around,

and this woman is
definitely pregnant,

and there are a number
of witnesses in Montana

who saw the two of you
sitting in a car together.

That is bull.
And there's more.

She says
she's able to describe

distinguishing marks
on your genital area.

That is...
a lot of bull.

Tell me if it is.

She says...

"One larger birthmark
with two smaller ones above it

at the base of the penis,
forming a Mickey Mouse head."

(scoffs)
That is not my penis.

Well, I have to address
every piece of information
as it comes along.

Larry, I'm gonna keep working
on this, but just so you know,

it's starting
to get a little tricky.

Yeah. Take care.
I'll keep in touch.

Arthur.
Good work.

What are we gonna do?

Jesus, Larry, she knows
all about Little Mickey.

All right, look.

I was lonely,
I was in a restaurant,

I started to talk to her.

Look, I ordered,
she wrote it down.

She was a waitress?

No, she was one of the top
people in the space program.

Yes, she was
a waitress, Artie.

Tell me the story
will you, god dammit?

All right, all right,
so she gets off work,
and I, uh,

meet her in the parking lot.
We sit in my car and we talk.

What did you talk
about, Larry?

About the distinguishing
marks around your dick?

How else would she know?

It's embarrassing, Artie,
we sat in the car.

Yeah, and then
you buffed her.

No! What, do you think
I have sex with women

I don't know
in this day and age?

What is wrong with you?
Sorry.

She gave me a handjob
in the parking lot at Denny's.

(chuckles)

Why didn't you tell me
about this sooner?

'Cause I hate myself!

I feel like a sleazebag,
for God sakes.

There's nothing wrong
with a handjob, Larry.

In my day, I've had plenty
of 'em in far worse places

than a parking lot.
I remember one time

I was visiting St. Patrick's
Cathedral, it was a Thursday,

there weren't many people
in the pews in the back and--

Yeah, that is the difference,
you can get a hand job

any day of the week,
I get one, and it ends up
in the paper.

Price of fame, my boy.

"After all these years,
everyone in Hollywood knows

"I'm an intelligent critic.

"Everyone except Hank Kingsley,
that is.

"The veteran couch warmer
kept me

"on the phone yesterday
for 20 minutes, babbling

"about hives, Tom Snyder,
and a predilection
for Asian women.

"I know the television industry
has more than its share
of pathetic types,

but Kingsley has taken
the prize."

I remember when
the paper used to be nice,

now it's all full of lies.

Asian women, huh?

Has Hank seen this yet?

I don't know.

Call the "L.A. Times" and get
that punk on the phone.

Morning, Hank.

Thank you.

Morning.

What do you think?
Should I buy Larry a new paper

or just put this back
on his desk?

Howard Rosenberg's
office please?

Thanks.

Seems like a totally
different show over here.

Well, quite right, Larry,

you gotta get out
from behind that desk

every now and then,
see how the other half lives.

Larry.
Arthur.

How's it going?

That's what
I wanna know.

Well, she's
definitely pregnant.

We found
the real father.

Huh?

He's a park ranger
up in Bozeman.

Apparently, all the folks
up there know she's had

a history of pulling
little stunts like this.

I told you--
I told you guys
she was crazy.

Oh, man,
she's a beauty
I'll tell you.

(Larry laughs)
When we told her all
about the real father,

she started calling reporters

with a new story.
Now she claims,
and get this,

she gave you a handjob
in a parking lot.

(both laugh)

That is so pathetic.

I can't believe she stepped
out of town with that one.

Ah, with a handjob
in the parking lot at Denny's.

I didn't say
anything about Denny's.

I think you did.

Yeah, somebody said Denny's.
No, I didn't. Did I?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you said Denny's. Yeah.

Anyway, the important
thing is,

her credibility is
completely blown.

Nobody believes a word
she says. It's over.

Thanks, Lloyd.
That's great, Lloyd.

All right.
My pleasure.

Wonderful work.
Yes, sir.

Darlene, anything?

Yes, your mail
is on my desk.

You have some calls,
and these ladies are
waiting to see you.

This is Kim Fujiwa--
hope I got that right--

and Jennifer Chen.
And I'm sorry, I didn't get
this lady's name.

Hank, Cindy Halloran
from Pensacola.

I heard you mentioned me
on the show.

Cindy, why you look--
you look great.

Why don't you
wait in my office?
We'll-- uh, we'll chat.

Good.
Make yourself at home.

Call security,
call security now.

Hello, ladies.

Konnichiwa.

Oh, you were terrific
on the show by the way,
we just, uh,

absolutely loved it, yeah.

You gotta
come back again sometime.
And, Mimi, listen,

I think we should
try going out again.

Well, I know
that was awkward,

but that problem has been
taken care of.

Uh-huh, yeah.

No, I understand, but--

look, why don't I...

just come by,
and we'll sit in the car,

you know, and, uh...

talk.

(theme music playing)