All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E17_English

Hank:
Now that sign
says, "Applesauce."

(audience laughs)
No, no, no.

I'm kidding,
it says, "Applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(audience applauds)

Hank:
All right.

Now remember, you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show.

Okay, now
you see this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me this--
this sign, and it says

we're on in ten seconds.

So, get ready to have
a good time.

All right,
here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In five, four, three, two...

(theme music plays)

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show"!

Tonight,
join Larry Fishburne,

Janine Turner,
from Steely Dan,
Donald Hagan,

and me,
"Hey Now!" Hank Kingsley.

And now,
because Larry's on vacation,

your guest host
for this week, Martin Mull.

(cheering)

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Hey, thank you, thank you,
please, please sit down.

Thank you. Thank you.

Wow, this is really, very,
very close to a thrill for me.

(laughing)

I know how much this
show means to Larry and--

and what a stickler
he is for quality,

at least to the extent that
one can have any in television.

In fact-- oh, well, thank
gosh for commercials,

we'll be right back.

♪ ♪

Well, I got through that.
I can't believe I was actually
nervous out there.

I used to do this shit
in my sleep.

Is this bothering you?
No.

Jeez, Hank, you look tired.

Yeah, I just...

I've been burning the bulb
at both ends, that's all.

Oh man, I know what you mean,

I'm doin' a Fox movie right now.
I'm ass deep in a script--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just try
opening a restaurant sometime.

Listen, when we come back,

ask me about last weekend,

'cause I have
a very funny thing

I have written down here.
Okay, great, got it.

Man:
Okay, we're back
in five, four, three, two...

And we're back.

(cheers, applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Boy, it's fun to be here.

Well, you're doing a great job,
and it's fun to have you here.

Thank you, Hank.
What are you gonna
do this weekend?

Ah, well this weekend--
after last weekend,

I don't know if
I have any energy left.

Last weekend was one of those--
Wait, that's not the question.

What are you gonna
do this weekend?

Well this, this weekend I really
don't have any plans, Hank.

You-- you don't have
any plans?
No, sir.

Well, I have an idea.
Listen, let me be the first
to invite you

to the official
grand opening of Hank's Look
Around Café, Friday night.

Look at this.

Hank Kingsley, Proprietor.

Can you see this?
This is Hank's--

this is your own restaurant.
Am I right?
Yes, sir, it is.

This is the one
with the spinning floor there.

Right.
You know, I've always
been one to say--

at least for my money--
that nothing really aids

digestion quite like
centrifugal force.

(audience laughing)
Friday night.

My first guest tonight--

336 Melrose.
Go ahead.

Thank you.

Hi. Hank, terrific
show tonight.

Yeah, hi, can I just talk
to you for one second, please?

Right over here.
Please.

Listen, I hope
you realize that,

all that joking about
your restaurant,

was just that--
it was joking.
No, right.

You know that, right?
Oh, of course,
now look,

you're sitting
in Larry's chair.

Yeah.
They've given you that honor,

but one thing that
you gotta remember is,

you're a guest host.
Uh-huh.

"Guest" being
the operative word here.

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.
You see, so we have a very
definite chain of command.

Larry first, then--
then there's me...

Yeah.
Artie, then everyone else.

I was joking, Hank.
They were jokes, okay?
Well-- well-- well,

be that as it may,
I think from now on,

if you have
a humorous asset,

you gotta clear it
with me first, Martin.
Really?

Yeah.
You know, I think we ought
to call Larry about this.

No, no, I don't--
I-I-- I don't think so.

I think what we--
what we-- see--

we-- we just don't bother him
when he's on his vacation.

That's the thing
we don't do, okay?

Really? You know, I think this
might fit nicely up your ass.

Well, all right,
other than that,
it's just a great show.

Man:
Morning.

(door closes)

Here I am. Here I am!

Hank, what the hell are
you doing here?

What time is it?

9:30 in the morning.
What the hell? You--

you sleep here last night?

Uh, yes, I've--
I've been sleeping here.

Why?

Well, I've been--
I've been picking
out the material--

the material for
the napkins,

you see. They came in
and they're--

they're reddish brown,
and it completely--

it clashes, clashes
with the banquet.

You know,
you try to leave this stuff
to the interior designers,

but no, no, you can't.

You see, because--
(mutters) fuckers.

What the hell did you say
to Martin Mull, last night?

Why?

Well, he quit.

Wha--
'Cause of you, I've gotta
scramble for a new guest host.

Yeah, well, you see, I--
I could've seen that coming,

I mean, it's the--
he was fine on that

make-believe talk show,
that "Fernwood" thing,

but you know,
you put him in the genuine
article and he locks, he--

You know that's
a lot of horse shit.

Two tickets
to the grand opening

of Hank's Look Around Café,
Friday night,

(French accent)
absolutely no charge.

It's this Friday night?

Hank: Right.
I've got plans.

Are you joking?
No.

Are you--

How many times have I--
that's all I've been saying
around here is,

"Grand opening,
Friday night!

Hey! Grand opening,
Friday night."

Hank, come on.
You said, "Grand opening,
Friday night,"

two months ago,
and it didn't happen.

Well, that's-- you know,
that's-- that's two months ago.

I mean the, you know, they
installed the wrong motor,

you know,
for the rotating floor.

Okay.

You know.

Well, then-- then it was
three weeks later.

Fuckers.

Two weeks later, yes.

That's the burst water pipe
in the ladies room

that started
to rust the bearing
for the rotating floor.

Never mind,
ye of little faith.

(laughs)
You're gonna be there?

I-- did you say it was
this Friday night?

Come on. Come on, guys.
Thanks for the support.

You know, no reason
to help out Hank.

Like I've never laughed
at your lame

monologue jokes,
which I don't even get.

Look, come on, Hank, we'll--
we'll come the next night.

Next night? Next night?

See, the--
let me explain
something to you.

There may not be
a next night.

You see, if people don't
come on Friday night,

there may not be
a next night.

So, this is Friday night,
this is next night.

No Friday night,
no next night.

No Friday night, no next night.

Do you understand
this concept?

(sighs) No.

No, no,
I know you don't!

(knocks)

Hank, it's the napkin
people on line four.

Fuckers. Yeah, okay, I'll--
I'll just take it in my office.

Get me the
Jerry Van Dyke file.

Artie, would it be okay

if I told this
very humorous anecdote
about the construction

of the restaurant on the--
on the show tonight?

(laughs)
Absolutely not.
No, come on, come on,

I'm not gonna
mention the address.

No. Did I say Jerry Van Dyke?
I mean Joan Van Ark.

Artie, I need to talk
to you mano-a-mano.

No.
Yeah, come on,
sit down.

No.
Look at me, huh?
Will you just look at me?

Don't push me, Hank.
Ignore him, keep working.

Gee, Artie. I-I--

I've just been thinking
about the opening night

of this restaurant in my mind
for years and years.

It's-- I just keep imagining
all my-- all my friends--

I mean my celebrity friends,
and they're just sittin' in--

in all these booths
and I get to say to them,

"Hey, hey, this one's on me,"
to some of them.

Larry said, "No."

You spoke to Larry?
No.

Then how could you know?
Shouldn't we call him?

Larry's on vacation.
He's not to be disturbed.

Artie on phone:
Well, we're having a little
trouble finding a guest host

to replace Mr. Martin Mull.

Jesus, Artie,
what do you want me
to do about it?

Artie, hold on a second.

Hey, Burt,

Larry.
Hey, Lar.

Hey, Burt, I didn't know you
moved in next door.

Good to see you,
how are you enjoying
that-- that house?

Well, actually, I don't
live in the big house,

I live back there
in the guest house, you see.

Oh.
'Cause I can't afford

a big house because of the--
you know the--

'Cause of that thing
you're going through?

Divorce, huh?

Hey, listen...

(clears throat)

We're having some trouble
down at the show

finding a guest host,
you know.

Because the last guy we got,
got this flu bug,

and I was wonderin' if you'd be
interested in hosting the show?

I mean, maybe this is
a bad time and all,

'cause you're going
through this thing,

but if you'd
like to do it, I--

What does it pay?

(audience laughing)
Be right back
in one minute.

(cheering, applause)

Wonderful monologue.
You look very handsome
on camera, I might add.

Yeah, I bet you say that
to all the guest hosts.

Yeah, in your case
I mean it, you know that.

Yeah.

How you
holdin' up, buddy?

Ah, you know, the big "D"--

the divorce,
you know, it's-- it's--
Yeah, I've been there.

Ah yeah,
three times I heard.

I've been divorced
four times.

Four times?
Yeah.

Who gives a shit?

You do.
"Evening Shade's" delightful.

Thanks, chief.
Okay.

(humming)

Hello. Yeah, yeah.

I've-- no, no,
I don't care.

I applied-- I applied
for this alcohol permit
just-- months ago.

Okay? Yeah. Come on,
come on, come on.

Knock off
the bullshit, please.

Sorry, ma'am, it's just--
it's just-- it's just very--

it's very frustrating
and-- yeah.

Yes, I would be absolutely

delighted and honored
to speak to your supervisor.

It's just, unfortunately
I'm in the middle of doing a--

a network television show
right now, and I can't--

(theme music playing)
Man:
We're back in five,

Can you hold for a minute?
Five minutes--
four, three, two...

Thank you.

Okay, folks, if you've
looked high and low

for cruise ship cuisine
on dry land

and you like dining
in the round,

you wanna come down
to Hank's Look Around Café.

That's Hank's
Look Around Café,

336 Melrose, where you and
your food, go on an adventure.

(laughs)

(audience laughing)
You know something?

I-I-- I was thinking about
of investing in that.

Really?
I like the idea of the--
you know, the--

The rotating, yes.
the rotating around
and looking at the city.

Of course,
if you're a smoker,
you'd have to smoke,

then stop, then light up again
when you came to your section.

(audience laughing)

But listen, ah, I really--
I think it's a great idea.

Yeah?
Great idea.

You're gonna-- oh no,
you're gonna hit me.

No, I'm not.
You're gonna do something.
I know this gentleman.

No, it's-- it's a great idea,
I'm telling you.

Yeah, yeah, okay, like
"Smokey and the Bandit,"

that was--
that was a great idea.

(audience laughing)
And, "Cannonball Run,"
that was--

that was a great idea.
Ooh, bravo.

(audience laughing)

Man:
Morning.

You gotta stop
sleeping here, Hank,

it's beginning to smell
like a goddamn locker room.

Okay, salad, salad,
salad, salad.

I suggest you listen
to me now, Mr. Kingsley.

Okay, I'm listening.

I just got off the phone
with Burt Reynolds.

He wanted to quit,

but I persuaded him
to give you a second chance.

Oh, boy,
another ego trip.

Yeah, give a guy
a couple of car chases,

and all of a sudden he thinks
he's an incredible whit.

Well, he thinks
you're a loose cannon.

He thinks you're mere days away
from a complete mental collapse.

He doesn't want
to deal with it.

That's-- that's--
I think that's silly.

Hank, you gotta stop
with this stupid restaurant.

We need you.
You gotta concentrate
on the show.

We need you here.
Yeah, well, I am here.

I am here.
Yeah, are you?

Yes, I am.
Hank Kingsley--

Hank Kingsley is present,
he's accounted for and, ahh--

shit, shit, I gotta make
this call, just real fast.

Septic, septic, septic.
This is what I'm talking about.

You've got to focus
on this show, here, now.

Okay, it's just, my-- my
restaurant at this moment,

(voice quavering)
has a very specific odor

that is not conducive
to the art of fine dining.

And, uh...

Oh my God.
I'm in a lot of trouble.

What is it?
What is it, pal?
Oh God.

Huh?
Ah, nothing, I just--

I don't think
anybody's gonna...

(crying)

come to the grand opening.

(sobbing)

Every time I check the--
the phone machine,

there's another cancellation.

And even my own
wife is not coming,

because there's a--
you know,

"Sorry, honey,
there's a death
in the family."

And--
(breathes deeply)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're gonna be there,
aren't you, buddy?

God dammit.

Well, Hank, you've changed
the grand opening
so many times--

I do have a life
of my own you know.

Oh, God dammit!

What has happened to courtesy
and respect in this world?

I mean, what--
let me ask you a question.

Why can't people just say,
you know, "Hey, Hank,

"I know that this is
important to you,

"your opening night,
but you know,

I'm gonna be there
for you buddy."

Just take it easy, will you?

You gotta breathe, breathe.

(inhales)
In... now let it out.

One more time, in.

Here, now drink
some water.

You drink water, Art.

You can drink it
through your ass--

(crying)
It's all right,
it's all right,

It's okay.
Just let it out.
Go ahead.

Well, they're all against me,
all of them.

Who's-- who's against you?

Okay, who?
All right, well,

my wife,
and, ah, my-- my staff.

Yeah.
You know,
the whole staff,

and the government,
and it's just--

Well, this--
oh God, this guy,

this-this-- this fucking
electrical engineer.

You know, this-this--
this guy, he comes in,

he fills in
at the last minute
and I'm supposed to--

I'm supposed to think
that this guy

knows fuck all
about anything!

Oh shit! Oh shit!
If I had a gun--

if I had a gun, Artie.
Artie:
I'm listening.

I'm listening to you.
I'm with ya. I'm your buddy.

I-I-- I understand.
It's not fair.

You just gotta let it out.
You gotta let it all--

It's not fair.
Just let it go.

Yes, no, I believe that.
I-- I agree.
Man!

I said, "Grand opening,
Friday night."

Yes, you gotta keep talking.
I've got a phone call to make.

I'll be right back,
keep talking.

Hey. Hey, grand opening,
Friday night.

Hey, I told you,
grand opening, Hank's,
Friday night.

Get Dr. Landay
on the phone.

Who?
Dr. Eugene Landy.

A good friend, Brian Wilson,
would have his number

What is Hank
doing in there?

He was telling me about
his troubles at the restaurant.

But you're not in there.

He doesn't know that.
Now, call Dr. Landy.

(answering machine beeps)
Artie: Terribly sorry
to disturb you, Larry,

but Burt Reynolds just quit.

Jerry Seinfeld's taping
in the studio next door

you know, so I-- I'm going
to walk over there and see

if I can get him.

Also, well,
Hank's not doing so well.

He's been under quite
a bit of pressure lately

and seems a bit rattled.
What-what's-- Artie?

Artie:
Yo, Larry.

Yeah, well, how bad is Hank?

Artie: Well, he's been
in the men's room
for an hour now,

vomiting and weeping.

Just one more thing,
they installed the sign today.

Mm-hmm.
Except, they left out an "A."

Instead of saying,
"Hank's Look Around Café,"

it says,
"Look Round Café."

Ah, that's okay.

It is?
Mm-hmm.

You sure? 'Cause I could try
to go out and buy an "A."

No, no, no, it--
it's great.

Jerry?

Hank?
(chuckles) Jer.

Hey. Listen,
when we're out there,

would you ask me what
I'm doing for the weekend,

'cause I'm working
Friday and Saturday
at the Universal Amphitheatre.

I'll be happy to,
on one-- one condition.

I didn't realize
there'd be conditions.

If you mention
that Hank's Look Around Café

is your après-comedy
bistro of choice and...

I would like you
to stick to those--
that exact wording.

(laughs) No.

No?
I can't do that, no way.

Okay.
All right?

You know, they--
they put you on Thursday night,

so you got a little heat
goin' on for you right now.
Yeah. Yeah.

Won't last forever.

(audience applauding
and cheering)

Thank you.

Well, good evening,

can you say, "Hey now"?

Audience:
Hey now!

Come on,
a little louder.

All:
Hey now!

Well, you sound good.

Well, this is gonna be a very
special warm up tonight because,

tonight I'm gonna talk to
you about a-- a restaurant,

a very special restaurant,
my restaurant.
(audience laughing)

And it's called--

(whispers)
Uh, not even
on the air, Hank,

not one word.
(whispering continues)

(audience laughing)

All right.

(cheers, applause)

Guess we're not gonna
have that, uh, special warm up.

(audience laughing)

Um...

(breathes deeply)

(laughter)

I'm gonna take
a long fuckin' walk.

Hey, Jerry.
Hey. Hey, where the hell
is Hank going?

He just walked off the set.

Oh, Artie'll calm him down.
You know I--

Art-- I think Artie
is the reason he walked off!

Oh, well, that's not good.

You know I wanted--
He didn't even do
the warm up!

He didn't? Well,
that's not good any either.

Is this how things
usually work around here?

Yeah. You know,
I wrote this script
for your show.

Would this be a bad time
to give it to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, have a good one.
(theme music playing)

Yeah.

Artie:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders show"!

Tonight, join Bonnie Hunt,
comedian Jake Johanssen...

(piano music playing)

(Artie mutters)

Larry:
This booth doesn't
rotate, does it?

This fuckin' booth starts
to rotate, I swear to God.

Artie:
Oh, I'm already
seasick.

I just can't believe
I took the time out
of my vacation to come here

and the man
isn't even here.

I'll tell you,
you know that--
that ice sculpture

of the Queen Mary
on the buffet there,

I'm gonna shove it
up Hank's ass

if he ever gets here,
that son of a bitch.

Nah, this is
Hank's special night.

Let's just, uh, let him
enjoy it okay?

All right.
It's all so beautiful.

Everybody showed up,
and he's missing it.

Where, where is he?
Where the hell is he?
Where is he?

You know what?
Now I'm getting worried.

I've seen him have
a temper tantrum before.

It lasts, what,
about an hour usually,

so what the hell
is going on?

(clears throat)
How was it?

It was great.
Yeah.

You know, let's go.
You did the best you could.

If we leave now,
we can get there by 2:00.

I don't think you understand
the seriousness of this.

The fact the Hank
is not here means

there could be
something seriously wrong.

Have you heard anything?
I just called the lot.

The security guards
said they saw Hank earlier
walking around

and talking to himself,
and now they can't find him!

All right,
we should go look.

Okay. Yeah.
Will you excuse me, honey?

I'm sorry.
We'll go to Vegas
tomorrow, I promise.

No problem. All right.
Darlene, keep everybody
till I bring Hank back.

Have a nice time.

Can't believe you found him.
We've been looking
everywhere for him.

Haven't we?
The stage is supposed
to be empty,

but I sent
the weird intern down.

Oh! You have one of those?
We got one of those.

What does yours do?
He's just weird.

That's exactly
what ours does.

Anyway, he's all yours.
I'll send you a bill
for the drool.

Jer, you were great!

(whispers)
Wake him up.

Hey! Hey!
Here I am!
Here I am!

Larry:
All right.

What time is it?
It's 9:30. Lets go!

We've been
looking for you.

All right, that's good.
9:30, that's good!

That's good. Don't worry,
we can get there by 10:00.

I'm want to thank you guys
for making this my big night.

Yeah.
(clears throat)

Hank, there is something
that I have to tell you.
What? What?

Yeah, it's 9:30 a.m.
We looked for you
all night, Hank.

No. No!

Make it go back.
Make it go back.
Turn back the world.

Larry:
Hey, you know,
I was up all night,

I am supposed
to be on vacation.
My wife wants to go...

(theme music playing)