All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E11_English

Larry Sanders:
Please welcome Hugh Hefner.

Hugh Hefner, everyone.
(audience applause)

Larry: It's a pleasure.
Hugh: I don't do this
very often.

No, you don't do
this very often,

and that's why it's special
that you're here, Hef.

May I call you Hef?
You may.

Okay, and you can
call me Larry.

(audience laughing)
Okay, Larry.

Um, tell me how you
select these women.

I've always wished
that I could be in on
that selection process.

How does this all start?

Well it begins with, um,
uh, pictures coming
in to the magazine,

and sometimes by photographers,

sometimes the girls
themselves
send the pictures in

and if they look promising
then test shots are made,

and if the test shots look
promising then they go ahead
and do the centerfold.

I see, you don't have
any of those test
shots with you, do you?

I don't, I--
(audience laughing)

Now, you are married now, right?

I am indeed.

And, uh--
With two, two small boys.

Two small boys,
so future playboys.

(audience laughing)

So to say.

How does your wife
deal with the business,

because after all you're
surrounded by just

gorgeous women,
is that ever a problem?

Well remember, she was
a Playmate of the Year.

Well, I didn't want to
say anything, but,

yeah, we've all seen her.

(audience laughing)

And you're a lucky man,
very lucky man.

Good for you.
I am a lucky man, yes.

How did you meet her?

Well, she happened to be,
as a matter of fact

she was already in the magazine,

uh, and her centerfold
had already appeared.

And she was here
in Los Angeles

staying at the mansion,

shooting a pictorial
with Helmut Newton.

So did you bump into her
at the mansion?

Yes, I asked her-- we were
watching a movie one night

and I asked her if she wanted
to watch a film with me.

Now you, this is,
this is great.

You have this great advantage
because these woman are

in your house to begin with,
they're in your house.

And I've already
seen test photos.

And you've seen test photos,
so it's kind of like
you're walking,

maybe you're going
to the kitchen to get

something from the fridge
and you bump into Miss January.

Yes, that's the way it is,
the way it is.

And you say, hey,

that's about all you need
to say 'cause you're--

"Hey" often works.
"Hey" is all you need.

(audience laughing)

All right, we'll come
right back with more
Hugh Hefner.

Stay tuned.
Don't flip around.

(audience clapping)

You have a little hair up there

coming down.

All right, when we
come back, we'll go
into the scenario

about your wife being
jealous about your work.

I'd rather stay
away from that.

Excuse me, Hef,
you're doing great.

Thank you.

Um, I just want
you to know that

it is an honor to be
this close to you.

Well, thank you
very much, Frank.

You know what?

Um, in my bedroom,
in a box next to my bed,

I have every tape of every
Playboy After Dark ever made.

I take that as
a real compliment.

Yes.

You know I do quite
a lot of reading

about the parties
at the mansion, whew,

that would be a hoot to be
invited to one of those.

I imagine it would be.

(clears throat)

Darlene, can
I have some water.

Want some?
No, no. Thank you.

Go ahead,
I don t have anything.

No, really.

Thank you.

Who is that?

That's my assistant Darlene,

Darlene Chapinni.

She's, uh, she's from
Madison, Wisconsin,

and her hobbies include--

Is he bothering you?

horseback riding, old movies.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?
I'm sorry.

But Jesus, did
you see the way Hank
was all over Hefner.

He did everything
but hump his leg.

You must have looked
away for a second.

You know, I have to, uh,

get going because--
you know where my keys are?

Oh, I got them.
Well-- okay.

I have to get my place ready for
the Architectural Digest people.

But that's late tomorrow.

Yeah, but, you know, I want it
to look, you know, perfect.

I have never seen you get

so excited over
a piece of publicity.

It's Architectural Digest.
I always wanted
my house in there

ever since I saw, you know,
Carson's place.

Oh, Johnny Carson.

That, that, that
was a wonderful house.
Great house.

Yes, you used to be
able to stand on the roof

and watch
Angie Dickinson sunbathe.

You know, the problem
I have is Francine doesn't

want to be in any
of those photos.
Ah.

(clears throat)

Well, what do
you think I should do?

Oh, no, no, no.

I refuse to get involved
in this, absolutely no.

All right, but you're
coming over a little later,
right?

In about an hour. You want me,
you want me to bring anything?

Uh, you know what, the, there's
a plant on the talk show set,

just to my left, the big one?
Why don't you grab--

What about this one?
This is a Mediterranean Ficus.

It's a very classy plant,

look perfect next
to your fireplace.

You think so? No.
Yes!

Darlene, after many years
of trying, Hank Kingsley

is going to appear in Playboy.

You got the interview.

I knew it would
happen someday, Hank.

I'm so happy for you.

Well, thank you.
This is great.

Thank you. It's actually
not the interview,

it's a, it's a, it's
a feature about women
who work in television.

But, Hank, you're a man.

Right, but you're a woman.

Now it's a, it's a,
it's a piece

and it's called
"The Sidekick's Sidekick."

And it has some shots
of you and me in the office

and on the set
and out on the town

and mostly it's
a spread about you.

They want me to pose?

Sorry?

Pose? Uh, uh, yeah.

Naked?
Uh, naked, yeah.

I, uh, I didn't ask
but I would assume, yeah.

I'm flattered, Hank,
but I just don't--

Right.
This would--

But hear me out,
hear me out,

because I said "but"
at first also.

Uh, sit down, Darlene.

(chuckling)
You see, Darlene,

my dad,
Henry Kingsley Senior,

was a charter subscriber
to Playboy.

He adored that magazine
and all that it stood for.

Sweet.

And now, I finally have that
chance to make my dad proud.

Your dad's passed away,
isn't he, Hank?

We think so,
we're not sure.

He, uh, he left
when I was seven.

Anyway, I know wherever he is,
he's watching and I know,

I know it
would mean a lot to him.

But, look, if appearing
in Playboy makes
you uncomfortable,

I'm sure Pop would understand.

Would you at least...
(knock on door)

please, would you
think about it, okay?

Artie, how can I help you?

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Before he left,
Hef told me about

this little idea of yours
and all I can say is
be careful.

Artie, Artie, it
will be very tasteful.

No bush.

Listen to me, Hank.

I want you to keep
this very low profile.

Larry Sanders is a star here,
goddammit.

All right, all right,
Artie, I hear you.

(whispers)
Low profile.

I don't know why you can't
be in the picture.

It's one little picture.

It's the little insert that
they put up in the corner.

It's tiny, it's smaller
than an wallet-size photo.

I'm not gonna be
in the picture!

I don't--
I don't live here.

I'm not your wife.
This isn't my house.

I'm not gonna do it.
Okay, all right.

I don't see why...
You're right.

Okay.
But, you know,

the magazine doesn't come
out for another two months,

may be things will
be different by then.

Well, are you asking me
to move in with you?

(chuckling)
Yes, in my own,

"I can't believe
I did it that way myself way,"

yes, I am, I guess.

Well, uh, I, um...

I, I, I--

I'm not gonna be
in the picture.

Well fine, but let's talk
about the moving in part.

I don't want
anyone to think

I had anything to do with
decorating this house.

What, what is that
supposed to mean?

I don't know.
Well, wait a minute.

Are you saying you don't
think this house is in
good taste?

Right, that's
what I'm saying.

I don't think this
house is in good taste,

that's what
I m getting at.
Well, why?

Well, I'm just, look around.
I mean, all right, look,

what, what, what is this.

That is a head
carved out of rock.

This place looks
like the junior suite

in the Four Seasons,
I don't want--

Jeannie and I met
at the Four Seasons--

...and gladiolas will
liven things up.

Oh gosh.
Ah, you're all set, kiddo.

Artie, she doesn't
want to be in the picture.

Ah? Oh, a scenario
I will not get involved in.

Bye, Larry, I'll see you later.
Bye, Artie.

Bye.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I know a lovely place
for this African violet.

Where are you gonna put it?
In the crapper.

Will you not talk that way

when the Architectural
Digest people are here?

Did you do the test photos?

Yeah, it really
wasn't that bad.

There was no one there
but me and the photographer.

Some slimebag, right?

No, she seemed nice.

She?
What did they make you wear?

Oh, come on,
you're not actually
gonna do this, are you?

Look, Hank really
wants me to do this.

I owe him a lot.

Oh, so you're doing
this for Hank.

If it wasn't for Hank,

I would still be being
sawed in half by
The Amazing Clifford

for two shows a night.

You know what, Darlene,
the more I hear about this,

it sounds to me like
there's very little

difference between Hank
and The Amazing Clifford.

Clifford probably
dresses better.

Come on, you guys.
You come on.

You know, you're being
exploited and used

and you don't
even know it.

Here are those...
Playboy After Dark
tapes you wanted.

Oh, great.
Right, right.

Now you want to pay
attention to Mort Sahl

because you could
learn something, ha!

What was that?

What?

No, you're hiding
something from me.

No, we're not.
Yes, you are.

We're working
on the monologue.
No, you're not.

Look, if we were hiding
something from you,

you would not know it.

Should we show him?

Yeah, show me.

We have Darlene's
test photos.

How did you get those?

They were right on our desk.

They were sitting there
in a big envelope

with a Playboy bunny on it.

We just thought
it was a new issue.

How are they?

(scoffs)
Good.

No, no, this is not good,
this is not right,

this is not our, our,
our property.

Oh, my god.
(chuckles)

Hank, your agent's
on the phone.

Where did you get those?

Hank?

(mumbling)
On the desk.

And you thought
you could just take them

and show them around?

Well, I--
oh, no, Darlene!

That's rough.

Oh wait, let me see it.

Darlene:
I'm not gonna be
exploited and used!

Oh, come on, Darlene,
this is Playboy
we're talking about.

We're not talking about
Hustler or Penthouse

or, or Swank
or Jugs or Screw.

Shh, hey!
Didn't you promise me

that you would keep
this very low profile?

I am.
Oh, bullshit.

Shouting out the names
of some of this country's

finest men's publications
outside the ladies crapper
is not low profile.

Listen,
Ms. Bernadette Peters

just happens to be down that
hallway in her dressing room.

You know,
I-- I wasn't shouting.

Maybe it was
that weird intern
carrying on like that again.

That's why they call him
the weird intern, you know.

Darlene: Hank!
Yeah?

If you think
it's so great,

why don't you show
everyone your tits.

Arthur:
Lower profile out there,
you two!

You gotta be
in the picture.

Oh, don't make me sit
in the living room all alone.

I'll look like
Harvey Korman.

Oh, so the only reason you want
me in the picture is because

you're worried about how you're
gonna come off, so it's for you.

No, well look, okay,
so I'm worried about
how I'll come off

but you're worried about
how you'll come off,

so really,
we want the same thing.

I don't want to be in this
picture as an appendage.

Okay fine, then you move in.
Then you're not an appendage.

Then you're there
as a person
who's moved in.

Oh, no one's ever asked me
to move in before.

Wait a minute, how did
you end up living with
what's-his-name then?

Well, you know,
you're just--
you're dating and

then you're together
and then you're just--

you're just kind of
living together.

Well, all right,
that's a good way.

but you can't
count on that way.

This way you take the picture,
then you move in.

Oh no, you don't
know how much I hate
having my picture taken.

You still think that it takes
a little of your soul.

Artie, come here,
come here, come here, Artie.

Artie, please talk to her about
the picture please, please.

No, no, no, I--

I cannot get
involved in this area.

You gotta talk to her
about this.

Artie, why don't you
be in the picture?

Just Larry and me in
a decorating magazine?
No, no, no.

No, people might get
the wrong idea.

I would.
Yeah.

Wouldn't a picture of me
and her look really nice?

Yes, with your arm
around your lady

with a big bouquet of
Baby's Breath behind you,

whoa, I say whoa!

You got me sucked in
for a second.

Artie, Artie, Artie, wait,
wait, come back.

Um, Brad Pitt's
in the green room.

I m gonna see if he's as cute
as everybody says he is.

You're gonna be disappointed,
you'll see.

Is she moving in?

I don't know.
Come here a minute.

Do you, do you think
my house is too feminine?

You want me to send over
a couple of my
trophy heads?

No, but, you know,

don't you have that chair
with the teeth or something?

Antlers and bones actually,
might look good
on the sun deck.

Yeah, bring that.
Yeah, sure.

I don't know.
It's a hard decision,
Darlene.

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to look stupid.

Believe me you won't.
Standing next to Hank

you'll come off
looking like Carl Sagan.

Are you sure?
Positively.

You know, I've never told
many people about this

but I knew Marilyn Monroe.

We were friends.

Really?

Yeah, a lovely, bright,
sensitive woman.

She was
very self-conscious

till she learned how to use
her beauty as an asset.

I'm no Marilyn Monroe.

Well you're mighty
nifty, sweetie.

What I'm trying
to say is,

you gotta use what
you're born with.

Don't look at me.
I've got a face that
would crack a mirror.

That's why
I'm a producer.

Marilyn did Playboy,
didn't she?

If you're going to do this,
you've got to do it for yourself

and for no one else,
especially not
for fucking Hank.

Then I can do it?
That's up to you.

For myself!
Thanks, I can't
wait to tell Hank.

Thanks, Artie.

(knock on door)

(clapping)

Oh, hello,
Miss Exploited and Used.

Hank, I came to talk to you
about the Playboy piece.

Well you're gonna be
very happy.

They killed it.
What?

Oh, Hef bounced the idea off
some editor and he nixed it.

What didn't they like?

I tell you,
I, I, I, I tell you this.

That magazine
was built on ideas like
the sidekick's sidekick

and it is not
a circa 1975 idea.

It is money
in the bank, Frank.

They hated my test shots,
didn't they?

Oh, those fuckers,
those fuckers!

Bunch of sleaze bags,
every one of them.

Oh god, it just would
have been so great.

What did they
say about me?

About you?
Oh, they loved you.

They wanted to know

if you were interested in
doing a pictorial alone.

I am interested, Hank.
What?

I want to do it for me,
not for you, but for me.

I want to do it.
(snaps)

What are you doing, Hank?

Um, okay, okay, here's
what we're gonna do.

Uh, you're going
to call them

and you're
going to say to them,

"Now, now look, uh,

"I am not gonna do
a pictorial unless

Hank Kingsley
is part of it."

(shuts door)

(claps)

Hank, c'mon, I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.

Hank:
Who'd you talk to?

I talked to
the editor himself.

Well, what did he say?

Hank, I m sorry,
I know this was

a dream of yours
and your pop's.

No, it's not
just my pop,

it's not just my pop,
don't they understand,

I have a restaurant opening
in less than two months.

I put everything into it,
just everything.

If I don't get
some publicity,

you know who's gonna
be at the gala opening?

You, me, the creditors
and that's it.

Hank, maybe I can wear
one of those

Hank Lookaround Café t-shirts
in one of the shots,

that could be--
Yeah, you see, you see,

it's very hard to pose nude
and wear a t-shirt
at the same time.

In fact,
it's downright impossible.

Oh great,
I've become pissy.

You know what--
Well, if it isn't

my two favorite Playboy models,
especially you, my dear.

Thank you, excuse me.

So, hey, Hank, you've been
keeping it low profile?

Artie, they cut me out,
those cock suckers.

(chuckling)
Oh, I'm sorry, Hank.

It's America's loss.

Do you wanna get a drink?

Oh, I'd love to,
sweetheart,

but I've got to get over
to Larry's house.

Larry's?

What's up?

Oh, come on, it's just
one little picture.

What difference
does it make, come on!

Oh, I don't want to waste any
more time arguing about this.

Where do you want me?
Oh, well,

if you really
don't want to do this,

you really don't have to.
No, no, let's just

get this over with,
sit down.

Over here,
you want me over here?
All right.

This is perfect.

Are you gonna wear this?

(doorbell rings)
I'll get that.

Uh, Max?
With the lighting in here,

I'd use an F8 stop.
Thanks, Artie.

Hey.

Oh Hank, we're a little
busy here tonight.

Oh, oh gosh.

You are busy.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.

It's Hank Kingsley!
Might be fun

if we got some shots
of you and Hank on the couch.

When are you moving in?
Oh, come on over
and sit down, Hank.

I don't want him
in the picture.

Oh, come on, Larry,
the more the merrier.

I don't want to.
Sit down, Hank.
This will be great.

You drive a hard
bargain, madam.

I don't want Hank
in the picture.

It's just a little-- just--
Okay, everybody,
say "hey now."

Tighten up.

Love, Darlene,
here you go!

Architectural Digest
is great!

Yeah, right.

It's just fucking bad
timing that Darlene's

article had to come out
the same day as yours.

Otherwise everyone
would be bent
over your desk

instead of over Darlene's.
Have you seen it?

Yes, it's right here.
It's nothing special.

You've seen one,
you've seen them all.

But how many houses
do you see like this?

Jesus.

These lilies on
the coffee table,
that's a sexy touch.

Has Francine seen this?

I don't know.
Has she moved in yet?

I don t know!
She, she,
she's there every night.

I don't know if she's
moved in, Artie.

Have to talked to Hank?
No.

Does he know that
it's not my fault

that he was cropped out of that?
He'll be fine.

Didn't even know she
owned a motorcycle.

(laughs)

I already signed yours.

Hank, have you seen
my Playboy pictorial yet?

Very nice, congratulations.

Hank, I wore the Hank's
Lookaround Café t-shirt
in the main shot.

It's a little ripped
but you can still read it.

Very nice.
I thought you would like it.

I, I guess
you didn't hear

there was a small grease fire
at the site last night.

Oh, my god.
No, no, no, no.

It's only gonna push us
back about, oh, ten months.

Hey, hey, hey!

It's the new
Architectural Digest.

Those fuckers, fuckers!

Artie:
Low profile, Hank!

Bunch of fuckers!

(theme song playing)