All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S01E02_English

Hank:
Now that sign says,
"applesauce."

(laughing)
No.

I'm kidding.
It says "applause."

Greg, do me a favor,
you flick that once.

(applause)
All right.

Now, remember, you're all
a big part of the show.

So the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now, you see this
gentleman? Yeah, he's giving
me this sign,

and it says we're on
in ten seconds,

so get ready
to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man:
In five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,
the Larry Sanders Show!

Tonight, welcome Larry
and his guests,

Val Kilmer,

Valerie Bertinelli,

Wynonna Judd,

and me, "Hey, Now!"
Hank Kingsley

And now, because
it's an FAA regulation,

your flight attendant,
Karen Jackson!

(cheering)

Good evening.

Good evening, and welcome
to "The Larry Sanders Show."

For your comfort and safety,
please take a moment
to familiarize yourself

with some of the features
of this studio.

Should the director determine
it necessary to illuminate
the applause signs,

please do so immediately.

To applaud, hold the hands
out and away from the body

with the palms
facing each other.

Bring the palms together
firmly and quickly,

and continue
to breathe normally.

In the event of a sudden
loss of interest in one
of tonight's guests,

your seat cushion may be
removed and used as a pillow.

Our estimated time on the air
will be 59 minutes,

and we want
to thank you for choosing
"The Larry Sanders Show"

for your late-night
talk show needs.

And now,
your host for the evening,

Captain Larry Sanders.

♪ ♪

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

I think the only thing
Karen forgot to add

is please, do not stand
until we've come to
a complete halt,

which I think we just have.

You ever seen a stewardess
like that, Hank?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

That's a good answer.
All right.

Well, we had another
earthquake here in LA,

and of course, the really bad
thing about earthquakes when
they happen in Los Angeles

is it makes it more difficult
to shoot straight.

I was with my wife, of course,

in bed at 5:00 AM.

And she started to yell,
you know, "it's the big one."

And I said,
"well, thank you very much."

'Cause-- And then she said,
"no, it's the quake."

Stay for the whole show.
Don't be like
last night's audience.

You at home,
you here in the studio.

Please, don't do what
last night's audience did.

After the show as over--
You know, they laughed
for an hour,

they had fun with us
for an hour,

then they got dressed
and just left.

Please, stay.
I like to cuddle afterwards.

And you never know,
an hour later I may feel like
putting on another show.

Stay tuned, we have
some great guests.

And don't flip around,
we'll be right back.

♪ ♪

And then you'll be doing
what project after that?

Uh, "Wild Palms"
that Oliver Stone's
producing for ABC.

Well, Dana,
you were delightful.

Come back as often
as you like.

Really.
(applause)

Uh, we have some terrific
guests coming up this week.

Uh, Winona Ryder, Joe Pesci,
comedian David Spade.

Hank:
Oh, great, I like him.
We have--

David Spade?
Mm-hmm.

As do I.

This is actually his, uh,
fifth time, is that right?

Fifth time.
Fifth time.

Wow, that's, uh...
Five.

So, see you tomorrow night,
sleep well.

Remember, we'll all
be sleeping at the same time.

♪ ♪

So, what do I do now?

Just pretend like
you're talking to me
till we're off the air

so it won't seem weird.
Okay.

So...
Blah, blah. Blah-blah-blah.

(chuckling)
You don't have
to pretend that much.

How's your house coming along?

My house? Uh, well,
I'm in a lawsuit
with the contractor

because the walls are...
Man: We're clear!

bleeding like a miracle--
Perfect, that's great.

David, I know it's torturous,
but we gotta go over this.

'Cause you know Larry wants
to know everything you're
gonna say.

It's fine. Um...

I'm gonna do
the doggie diapers,

I'm gonna do
the airline stuff, I'm--

What's that?
I haven't heard it.

Airline stuff? It's, uh...

Give me a speed-through,
but I gotta know it.

You want me to do
the whole joke?
Please.

Ugh. This is an office,
not a club.

David, I know this is
total torture,

but you gotta do your act
for me so Larry can hear
the content.

All right, it's um...

Basically, I come out,
hello, hello.

How's everybody?
I just flew in.

I don't like to fly
'cause when you get on

they immediately tell you
the name of your pilot,

like anyone goes, "oh,
he's good. I like his work."
(laughing)

That kind of stuff.
Yeah.

Then I say I fly coach,

I don't fly first-class.

Thing about coach is
they don't want you to see
the people in first class,

that's how much
of a loser you are.

And, you know,
flight attendant will come by
and pull the curtain shut,

"sorry."

You make
that little face?
Yeah.

That is so Spade,
and Larry loves that.

Then I do
my dog's penis--

Did you just say "penis"?

I say penis. I can change it
to organ, maybe.

That'll be probably good.

You will not.
Hey.

You will not change
a thing, that's what
this show needs:

penis, and plenty of it.

Hey, Mr. Sanders.
Don't get up.

How's the show?
Hey, David.

How are you? Eh...

So you're with us
on Thursday, is that right?

Yeah, yeah,
looking forward to it.
Terrific.

Good, that's your...
Fifth.

Fifth time, wow.
Fifth time, right?

So you're like family.

How many times
you been on the show, Paula?

Never.
Exactly.

So I'd show Mr. Spade here
a little respect.

Let him say penis
whenever he wants.

(laughing)
You got it,
you can say penis.

There you go.
All right.

Stop by
on your way out.

Yeah, okay. Great.

So, anyway,
your dog's penis?

Right.
You can't say penis.

Got it.

(knocking)

Who is it?

Hi. Hey, Larry.

Oh, David, hi.
What's up?

You wanted me to come by?

Oh, that's right.
Sure. Come on in.

So, things are
going well, huh?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

I owe a lot of that to you.
No, no, no.

No, you deserve it.

So, you still
driving the, uh...

Oh, the Hon--
No, I've actually
got a new Mustang.

It's brand new.

Those are great.

Yeah.
Those are great,
I love those.

Yeah, everything is--
Everything's going great.
Good.

Very glad. I'm really very
glad to hear that, really.

Well...
I guess it's that time.

Thanks for coming by.

So...
Long?

(laughing)

Yeah, so long. I'm gonna
go drive the Mustang.

Hey, those are great.
Have fun.

Thank you, yeah.
Okay.

Hey, glad to hear it,
you know, things are
going so great.

Well, they are, thanks.
Oh, good.

Well, keep up the good work.

Yup.

You wanna close that?

Nice kid.

(phone ringing)

Hello, Larry Sanders.

Artie, hey.

Artie, he's not allowed
to talk about show business.

I am not allowed to talk
about show business, Artie.

Put on Leno, honey, please?

(turns on TV)
Okay.

David Spade:
All right. Good crowd,
good crowd.

Well, I flew here tonight,
and, uh, I don't like to fly.

'Cause when you fly,
once you're on the plane

the flight attendant will
immediately tell you the name
of the pilot.

Like anyone goes,
"oh, he's good."

Honey, that's, uh,
whats-his-name?

You know,
he's been on your show?
Yeah.

David Spade. He's supposed
to do the show for the fifth
time tomorrow.

Spade: Thing about coach
is they don't want you to see
the people in first class,

that's how much
of a loser you are.

Flight attendant
will come by and pull
the little curtain shut.

"Sorry."

(audience laughing)

I thought he was doing
our show tomorrow, Artie.
What the fuck is this?

Huh? No.

No... No.

All right, I'll talk
to you tomorrow.

And I realize everyone's
got a limousine in Hollywood.

Everyone's got a limo,
they think they're so cool.

Every time I see
a limousine, I go,

"ooh, you have $80."

Jesus!
What are you so mad about?

You don't do
two talk shows back-to-back.

Spade: My dog's penis was...
It's an unspoken rule.

Well, maybe it's so unspoken
that he didn't know about it?

He knows about it. Arsenio
and Leno have contracts

to prevent stuff like that.
You don't. You don't
do that, right?

No, I don't do that.
I don't do that.
But you know what?

I expect a certain loyalty.
I found this guy.

And you know what?
I discovered him
at The Comedy Store,

and then...

I sound like
an asshole, don't I?

No, honey, you don't
sound like an asshole.

Your feelings are hurt.

My feelings are hurt, honey.

And by a man.

How did this happen?

As I understand it,
Leno had a cancellation,

so his people called up Spade,
and Spade jumped right on it
'cause he's a scumbag.

Ugh.
Well, we're going
to rise above it.

Well, what are
we gonna do?

We're going
to rise above it.

No, here's what
we're going to do.

We're gonna book
Nell Carter on the show,

we're gonna lock her in
her dressing room for three
days and don't feed her.

Then we throw David Spade
in there with a piece of honey
baked ham down his pants.

(laughing)

Stand back
and thank me later.

Can we get Nell Carter?

Oh, I can get Nell Carter,
and if I can't,

I'm gonna dress up like Nell
Carter and get in there and
kick his little ass myself.

All those years in
the Merchant Marine have
served you well, Paula.

Meeting.

Do you want me to make
Spade fall in love with me,
then hurt him?

'Cause he can.

No. Thanks, though.

By the way,
Lenny and Squiggy say hi.

Fuck him,
he's off the show.

Oh, calm down.

Oh, screw it.

Listen, I was so upset
last night I had to take
a Halcion.

Aren't there side effects
to that stuff, Artie?

Sure, I saw Buddy Ebsen's head
floating over my dresser.

Oh, for god's sakes.

Yeah, but he vanished.
Slept like a dream.

What do you want to do
about the little pissant?

You know, he was
in here last night.

Where, here?

In here.

What's he
doing in here?

I asked him to stop by
on his way out.

Why?
I thought it was
a friendly thing to say.

I didn't know
he'd actually do it.

You mean come in here?

Yes.
Amazing.

Artie, he's just a kid. Maybe
he didn't know any better
about "The Tonight Show."

Bullshit! Think about it.

He taped "The Tonight Show"
an hour before he came
waltzing in here.

I'm surprised you didn't
smell Leno's cologne on
the little rat-bastard.

Yeah, you're right.
And he didn't even mention
anything about it to me.

Fuck him.
He's off the show.

I thought it'd take you
another ten minutes.

What do you want
to do now?

Wanna get
something to eat?

Larry.
Hank.

Uh, listen, wasn't Karen
great in that stewardess
sketch last night?

No. No, Hank.

No matter what she did
to you, we're not having
her back on the show.

I wasn't asking that, sir.
I wouldn't do that.

No, my pal Ray Combs,
hosts "Family Feud"?

He's getting her
on his show for me.

Is that right?
Uh-huh.

Great. Her and her family?

No, no. No, just her.

You see, sometimes
when they have a family
with just four people,

they slap on
a fifth person

and, you know, make them
a cousin or whatever.

They do that?

Hush, hush, you know.

Ooh, by the way,
while I got you here,

You know, I'm a friend
and I don't usually--

I don't usually ask
for favors,

but, uh, this afternoon
the regional presidents of
the Hank Kingsley fan club

are visiting the studio.

And I throw a little
wingding, you know,

and, oh, if you could
say hello...

Hank, I don't do
the wingding thing.

You know, a quick hello.

Uh, well, gee, maybe a few
words about your old buddy
Hank, you know?

Uh, well, that would
be really a-- Oh--

Oh, I got it.
I got it. Go ahead.

You know, that would really
be-- That would be--
That would be great.

I mean, I am talking a--
What, I'm talking a minute.

I don't know,
a minute 30, tops.

Here, I got that.
I got it, I got it.

Look, look.

It's just not
a good day, Hank.
I'm not in the mood today.

I never ask you for favors.
You know, I mean...

Hank, for god sakes, why--

Mean a lot
to the ladies, really.

Can't you hear my voice,
that I'm saying no to you?

Please?
I'm saying no.

We're such good friends
and you can't hear that
I'm saying no to you?

Don't make me
say the words, Hank.

Please?
No.

For god sakes, no, Hank.

Um...
You know, I talk to you,
and you don't hear!

Enough said.

Hey, Darlene.
Hey.

Guess you heard
David Spade's off the show.

Why is Larry so mean?
What is he, "sag"?

Look, Larry can do
what he wants to do.

You know, Spade really
hurt his feelings.

Typical "sag."

What's all this stuff?

I had to make extra copies
of Hank's fan club newsletter.

"Hank's for the memories."

(laughing)

We have another stewardess
skit for tonight?

I hope we do.
I love those stewardess skits.

I don't know if you heard,
William Shatner's doing
a sketch with us.

Mr. William Shatner?

He's across the hall
doing "News at 5."

That's great.
Yeah, and so I wrote up
a "Star Trek" sketch for him.

And Paul went over
to run it by him.

Good. So...

Jerry, William Shatner's
on line four for you.

He wants to talk to me?
Yeah.

Can we put him
on the speakerphone?

Yeah, I love his voice.

All right.
Okay.

I'm trying to get him
to say "Klingon."

Mr. Shatner, Jerry Capen.

No, wait.

Tell him you put him
on speakerphone.

Mr. Shatner,
I'm gonna put you
on speakerphone.

Mr. Shatner,
Jerry Capen.

The volume.

Mr. Shatner?

Shatner:
Yeah, Jerry, am I
on a speakerphone?

Yeah, well, the handset's
broken, but we're alone.

Shatner:
Uh-huh. Well, Jerry,

I'd like to come over and do
something with Larry,
but Paula tells me

you guys are thinking about
some "Star Trek" thing?

Come on.
Yeah, well, you know,
we're kicking the idea around.

Shatner:
Well, you know,
I've written three novels.

"TekWar,"
"TekLords," "TekLab."

They're really taking off.
Marvel comics is turning them
into a series of comic books.

I got a new novel out there
called "Believe" right at
the book stores right now.

Maybe we could do
something with that?

I mean, isn't "Star Trek"
the most obvious, unoriginal
choice you could make?

I mean, come on.
Well, actually,

you know,
it's very much in--

Bill? This is Larry.

Shatner:
Larry! Larry, how you been?

Good. I was just walking by
and I heard your voice
on the speakerphone.

I thought I'd pop in 'cause,
Bill, I'm really excited

about doing this
"Star Trek" thing the guys
have written tonight.

Shatner:
Oh, great, a "Star Trek"
sketch. That'll be fun.

I'm really looking
forward to it.

Good, me too.

Say, uh, Bill?
Yeah?

What were those--
What was your biggest
enemy on "Star Trek"?

Shatner:
Uh... DeForest Kelley and I
had some problems.

No, I mean, um...

alien-wise. Who were
the evil aliens who were
always after you?

Shatner:
Uh, Romulans? There were
some Romulans, salt suckers,

Klingons! There were
some Klingons.

I think that's it, Bill.
Thanks a lot.

(laughing)

Shatner:
What's so funny?

(women chatting)
All right, here we go.
Right down this way.

Now, right down here
is the makeup room.

And this is where
they make me beautiful.

Oh, you're beautiful enough
as it is, Hank.

You're a married woman,

don't try and
tempt me, Margaret.
(giggling)

And, uh, down-- Oh!

Well now, here comes
one of our writers.

Now, this is Phil.

Women: Hey now, Phil!

(giggling)

How's it going, Phil?

Ah, you see that?

It's very sad.

When they respect you
too much, there's a distance.

Aww.
Oh, yeah.

Okay, let's move on, shall we?

Yes.
Yeah.

How's it going, Ray?

Now, this is where I say...

All: Applesauce!

Now this is
where it all happens.

This is what I like
to think of as "Hank Central."

Who wants to?

Me, me, me, me, me!
You do?

You had your hand
up first, come on.
Me, me, me.

Oh! Oh...
There we go.

Oh. Oh! Oh, wait
until you get up here.

I mean, you can feel
the energy.

Uncover it all, Hank.

Yes! Please?
Oh, no. No, no, no.

Please, uncover--
No, I'm not allowed to.

Next. Who's next?

Is that Orlando?
Okay, come on.
Yes!

All right,
watch your step.

Watch your step.
Thank you.

Live on tape from Hollywood...

(giggling excitedly)

Ooh, that gives me the chills.

Um, where's
the bathroom?

Uh, we're gonna have
a bathroom break in just
a little bit, okay?

Hank!

You didn't tell me
there'd be babes.

Oh!

Hey now! And now, ladies,
because he's my pal,

Larry Sanders!

All:
Hey now, Larry!

Thanks.
Thank you.

I haven't heard this many
women applaud since my bris.

(delayed laughter)

Where you from?

Chicago.

Chicago.

Okay, ladies,
Larry's very busy,

so we gotta let him...
Larry!

Why does Hank have to sit
so far down on the sofa?

We can barely see him.
It's not right.

I know it isn't,

but if people could see Hank,
who would look at me?

(laughing)

Oh, that's right.

What's my name again?

All: Larry!

Okay, so when I push
the button, Ritchie,

they're both gonna wiggle
at the same time, right?

'Cause if just one wiggles,
I don't think it's quite
as funny.

Oh, Ritchie'll
make it work.
I know.

It's a cute gag.

However, Spock's were
a little more pointy,

unless we're talking
about that first season

before he made his
return to the planet Vulcan.

Don't know the time frame
of the sketch, Artie.

Uh, just so you know,

Paula got a fervid
call from David Spade.

David is a very
upset young man.

Well, you know,
we're all a little upset.

And he would like
to come over

and explain
the situation to you.

You know, Artie,
I'm not one who demands
blind loyalty,

but this guy
really hurt my feelings.

You don't want to talk
to the little prick?

No.

Good.

I can't wait
to see him wiggle.

Me and my cold, Vulcan logic.

Okay. These will work.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

What do you mean?

You said "knock, knock."

No, no, no,
I was just saying that.

But you said knock, knock
when you came in.

Right.
Who's there?

Uh, Hank.

Hank who?

Hank Kingsley.

Come in.

Where are the babes?

They're out there
looking at my parking space.

And you, sir,
are a true--

Boy, you really gave 'em
a thrill out there.

No, no, it was fun.

Yeah, it was, huh?
I want to thank you again.

I mean, you're a true mensch.

No, no, I--
I mean that.

Hey, Hank?
Yeah?

Uh, you know about
this David Spade thing, right?

Yes. I mean, I heard about it.

And you've kicked his ass
off the show is the word
around campus.

Too harsh?

Well, it's hard to say.

I mean, you remember
the first time you did
"The Tonight Show"?

Yeah.
Well,

you, uh-- How do you
think Merv felt?

What's your point?

My point is you did Merv
a couple times before you did
"The Tonight Show."

But Merv was on in
the afternoon, Johnny
was on at night.

There wasn't a conflict.
I don't think the unspoken
rule applied.

Okay. But Merv gave you
your start, right?

Where are the girls, Hank?

Listen, thank you again.

Beverly?
Hmm?

No, no.

Would you call
David Spade?

Make sure they don't use that
oil soap on the dashboard

'cause it makes it
look all slippery.

And don't touch anything
in the glove compartment,
okay?

Okay, thanks. Bye.

So, go on.

I... It just--

I don't expect you
to totally forgive me,

or not think I'm an asshole
for what I did,

but honestly, my manager
and my agent,

I went over it with them,
and they said it would
be fine.

And you gotta trust someone,
I trusted them.

Oh, come on.
You know, look,

David, you're a bright guy,
and I can understand all that,

but I can't put
all the blame on them.

You're right, but, you know,
I'm out there sweating it out
in the clubs,

and that's what you're after,
you know,

night after night
you want "The Tonight Show."

And I finally get it--
Even though it's just
fucking Leno now.

It was your
big break, too.

That is not true.
I happen to have
started on Merv.

Merv gave me a couple
of good shots before I ever
did "The Tonight Show."

That's a fact.

Jesus, Merv must
have been pissed off.

He was not pissed off.

They were on
at different times of the day.

One was on in the afternoon,
one was on...

Look, let a couple
months go by,

let things settle down,
and then we'll book you
again on the show, okay?

That'd be great.
That's very generous.

All right, well,
thank you, and I'll get
out of your way now.

Thanks, Mr. Sanders.

Hey, call me...

You want me to call you?

No, I was gonna say,
"call me Larry."

Okay. Bye.

How'd it go?

Good. I gave him that
whole manager/agent shit.

And he bought it?

Of course.

And he claimed
it was his manager
and his agent, huh?

That's what he told me.
You bought that horseshit?

Are you kidding?
I told him we'd wait
a couple months,

and then we'd book him again.

We'll bump him a few times,
he'll get the message.

Little rat prick.

Paula:
Larry, Arthur,
we have a huge problem!

Joe Pesci just canceled,
what are we gonna do now?

My next guest
is a good friend and
a wonderful young comedian.

Tonight marks his fifth
appearance on the show.

Please give a warm welcome
to David Spade.

♪ ♪

Whoo!

Good crowd!

Thank you.

Good crowd, good crowd.
All right.

Well, uh, hey,
first I flew here.

I don't like to fly
'cause once you get
on the plane

they immediately tell you
the name of the pilot.

Like anyone goes,
"oh, he's good.

He's good. Love his work."

And I sat in coach.
I never sit in first.

Thing about coach is
they don't even want you
to see the people in first...

♪ ♪