All language subtitles for Cinema.Toast.S01E01.1080p.WEB.H264-WHOSNEXT

The flowers were lovely.
Thank you.

Well, great, yeah.

Jane picked them out.

Oh! Well, they weren't

the most expensive flowers
I've gotten,

but I guess it's
the thought that counts,

which I could use right now,
especially with

all of Sharon's bullshit
I've been putting up with.

I'm sorry.
What'd she do?

Well, she never thanked me for
the portrait I gave her.

So I said something.

And I guess I deserved it
because I'm too nice.

Lesson learned.

But disinviting me to
Thanksgiving last minute,

and I'm the toxic one?

-Mm.
-You should come to ours.

Really? You mean that?

Of course,
we'd love that.

Yeah, totally,
or you could patch things up

with Aunt Sharon.
[nervous chuckle]

I would love to join you,
but I was afraid to ask,

'cause I'd hate to
put you two on the spot.

Well, yeah, Mom.
Come to Friendsgiving,

-unless you--
-It'll be fun.

What? Friendsgiving.
What's that?

Friendsgiving.

Well, it's pretty much
Thanksgiving with friends.

Friendsgiving.

It's just a stupid name
people are calling it now.

Don't worry, just come,
no pressure.

We'd be really excited
to have you.

[John] Yeah, totally.

[Jane] The only reason we didn't
invite you in the first place

is because we knew you were
doing it at Aunt Sharon's,

but this is great.

Yeah.

[Jane] Um, please don't
feel like we left you out,

we would never.

And don't feel
beholden to us, too.

If you make up with
Aunt Sharon, then...

[Mother] Yeah?

Then... well,
that's cool.

Friendsgiving, so dumb.

Wasn't Familiesgiving
when you were growing up.

-Mm.
-[Mother] Imagine that.

-Probably some PC bullshit.
-[John] Yeah.

Who else is gonna be at
this Friendsgiving?

A couple of friends.

Mm. Anybody that I know?

Just a friend
from college.

And my buddy, Jake.

And John's father.
And Rick.

[spits]

We were just thinking,

because you were gonna be

spending Thanksgiving
with Aunt Sharon,

and Dad was gonna be
in town that--

Oh, wow,
this is awkward--

That, uh-- So we were
previously thinking that, um--

-you--
-We invited them.

[John] We invited them.

What?

-[John] Mom?
-[groans]

-[John] Mom!
-Ahh!

-Oh, shit.
-This is it.

Mom? Mom,
are you all right?

-[groans]
-She fainted.

Yeah. I'll go get
some water.

[groans]

You're such a good boy,
Johnny, always have been.

I'm sorry I fainted.

Don't apologize.
Rest.

I'm sorry for
what your father did to us,

and you at such
a young age.

-Such a shame.
-Mm.

But don't worry about me.
I'll be fine.

-No, Mom, just take it easy.
-No, no, I'm okay.

We'll get through
this Thanksgiving.

Sorry, Friendsgiving.

I was just shocked to hear
your father was joining us

since it's our
Friendsgiving,

but I'll be fine,
don't make a fuss.

And please make sure your
father doesn't bring Rick, too.

What? But we already
told him to come.

No, no, no, no, no,
that's non-negotiable.

But, Mom,
this is so awkward.

We can't just
disinvite them like that.

Well, I-- I guess
if she insists.

Oh, I insist.

Okay, I'm gonna rest up.

Wow, that was a lot.

[door closes]

Fucking great.
God.

Sorry, babe.

I know this means
a lot to you.

It's okay, I just don't want
any drama, you know?

I just want our Friendsgiving
to be chill.

Ah! Fuck me!

Stupid thing.

I should have seen it comin'
with the flower comment.

Idiot!

[grunts]

When are you gonna
tell your dad?

[John] Tomorrow, I guess.

God, this whole situation
really sucks.

[gargling]

[John] I mean,
how are those flowers

not expensive enough?

Maybe it's me.

[John] And they divorced, like,
five years ago.

It's not like some
childhood trauma.

Babe, we'll
get through this.

Ugh!

[Jane] Babe?

You're going to sleep now?

Yeah, I'm drained.

You really think she fainted?

What do you mean, like,
she faked it or something?

Wouldn't put it past her.

She's done much crazier shit
before.

Says the guy who's in bed and
didn't even take his shoes off.

Mm... [sighs]

Babe, it's okay.

Trust me, she's gonna
fuck the whole thing up.

She does this every time.

I mean...

I can't tell my dad
not to bring Rick.

It's his husband.

You're not supposed to
negotiate with terrorists.

One thousand percent it wasn't
because of her portrait.

Aunt Sharon just
got sick of her shit,

and she doesn't want her
making a scene

at Thanksgiving
this year.

I think you're
overreacting.

It's your mom,
she loves you.

I mean, it's either some
passive aggressive victim stuff

or she's going off about

some Q-Anon conspiracy
play-by-play,

which is definitely going to
trigger my dad,

and then they'll get into
one of their fights,

which will definitely
not be chill

in front of our friends.

She just wants
your attention.

You always do this.
It's both of you.

[knocking]

[sighs]

Son, what's going on?

Here you go, Dad.

Mm. What's this?

A script.

Yeah, I was just thinking,
you know how Jane and I

are doing the Friendsgiving
tonight--

-Yeah.
-And you and Rick

were all planning on
coming together.

I fear this is one of
your crazy schemes

having to do with your mother.

Like your birthday again.

Well, this is
a little different, Dad.

[groans]
Here we go.

-About Rick--
-Mm-hm.

She got into a thing
with Aunt Sharon,

so she's not going to hers
anymore,

so she told us she's
coming to ours and, uh,

-she, uh--
-Mm-hm.

She says Rick can't be there.

-What?
-Yeah.

-I can't do that to Rick.
-Yeah, uh--

We're going on
a cruise tomorrow.

Well, she fainted
and then she insisted.

So I figured we have to
accept that she's coming,

and I came up with a way

to make sure it goes
as smoothly as possible

because holidays
mean a lot to Jane.

So I wrote up some prompts
and responses

to avoid any landmines,
and I figure if we

stay on script and
not take the bait

instead of getting into
a fight,

we can, like,
get in front of it and like,

you know, like fix it,

uh, before it becomes
a thing.

'Cause you abandoned me
with this crazy woman

and I need you to
do this for me.

"If she brings up Pizzagate,

say, 'That sounds like
a serious crime.'"

"Don't argue with facts?"

Well, instead of
proving her wrong,

you just listen and say,
"Yeah."

You just drop this on me
and somehow expect me to

memorize 80 pages of this
nonsense at the last minute?

[scoffs]

I don't think you've
gamed this all out.

Well, uh... but I did.

Maybe my friend Dave could,
like, radio it to you.

There's no way.

[John] Also, please
don't mention the cruise.

[John] Good news, babe.
I talked to my dad

and I think it's all gonna be
totally okay.

You were right.

I'm feeling
good about this now.

Oh, that's great news.

Your mom's here and
she brought her housekeeper.

[John] Really?
That okay?

Well, yeah, I just
wasn't expecting it.

And, of course, you put
the centerpiece in the middle

where the food is
supposed to go.

Yeah. I put it in
the middle.

That's what it's called
a centerpiece for.

[Mother] Don't get cute,
Annie, not now.

This is my Friendsgiving,
okay?

[Jane] I should probably
go help them.

Love you, babe.
See you soon.

Love you t--
Oh, the fuck, dude!

Sorry, I was just--
Oh.

Much better, right?

Where's the centerpiece?

Oh, here it is.
Weird.

-Oh, Annie must have moved it.
-It's okay, I'll just put it

right back here
where it was before.

They actually were quite
expensive, these ones.

Uh-- Did you make place cards?

Yeah. Definitely not
sittin' next to him.

Really?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not for my Friendsgiving.

Oh, because
we were thinking,

like, maybe this could be
more casual.

Well, you thought wrong.

Yeah, just go ahead
and commandeer

all the stuff
I've been cooking.

That's totally normal
behavior.

Annie, it's not
a good idea

to use that tray
for the soup.

And there's
not enough seasoning

in it either,
by the way.

You've gotta be
kidding me?

Oh, this gravy's
all lumpy.

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
-I'll save it for you.

Sorry I'm late, babe,
had to take care of

a few things
on the way home.

It's all good, though.
It is all good.

That's cool. Been stuck here
with Annie and your mom.

[John] Yeah, sorry, I didn't
realize she'd bring her, too.

But I'm sure it's nice to have

some extra help
around the house.

Seems like a pretty tense vibe

going on between those two.

[John] Ah, it's nothin'.

They're like
two old friends.

You know?

Sure. Yeah. Maybe.
I don't know.

Don't worry, babe.
Things are gonna go great.

It's gonna be awesome.
Totally smooth.

I'm psyched.

Check you out,
positive guy.

[chuckles]
My God.

Hell, yeah.

I'm not gonna get
all stressed out about it.

Yeah?

And I'm gonna do
everything in my power

to make it a super chill
Friendsgiving.

I know how much
it means to you.

And I want to
honor that.

-Because, uh--
-Because?

-Because...
-Yes?

I love you.

Aww, John.

All right. Well, it's all
downhill from here.

You're not up to
something weird, right?

Weird? What--

Why would I be up to
something weird?

Well, you're kind of
going overboard here,

and it just feels weird.

No. Everything's cool.

Is that true?

Of course. I know how much
this means to you.

I'm jazzed!

Oh, whoa, look at the time.
Yeah, we gotta boogie.

-Wait.
-Come on.

You promise?

Yeah, babe, I promise.
Let's do this. Rock and roll.

-Son?
-[Jane] Rock and roll?

Dad. Sorry to
keep you guys waiting.

We're just running
a little bit late.

-Hi.
-Aren't we fortunate that

we've been having such
lovely weather

-the last few days, huh?
-I guess.

-More turkey?
-No.

Well, a friend forwarded me
a very informative post today

about all those
illegal immigrants

pouring across
our borders.

Did you know in addition to
taking our jobs

and spreading crime
and terrorism,

-they're Marxists, too?
-That's interesting.

Never thought about
immigration that way.

-Thank you for sharing that.
-[Mother] Uh, you're welcome?

[Dad] Perhaps you can
forward me that article

-so we can discuss it.
-[scoffs]

My friend forwarded me
this video

where it's, like, animals
saving other animals,

and sometimes it's
interspecial.

Like a bobcat saving
a baby moose from drowning.

What was that?

Uh, yeah, my friend sent me this
video where there's a bobcat

that saves a baby moose
from drowning.

[Mother] Baby moose?

Wow, I could totally
believe that.

[Dad] Wow, I can totally
believe that.

-You're teaching me.
-[Dad] You are teaching me,

and I'm grateful for
the wisdom.

Thank you so much.

I'll take it.

[Jane] For sure.
it's just cute.

[Mother] Annie,
you don't just take

people's plates away like that
while they're still eating.

Annie, I know you can hear me
through that door.

Such a bitch.

So what do you think
about the Miami Heat?

Uh, well, I agree that
the jury's still out.

We can't always listen to
the scientists, now can we?

-I really appreciate--
-[Dad] I really appreciate

your perspective and
value your insights.

You've certainly given me
a lot to think about...

-Huh?
-[Dad] ...on a complex issue.

-Huh?
-[radio static]

-I'm getting a lot of
interference.

-[man] Classic rock--
-Can you hear me?

-Ignore it.
-[air horn blasts]

-Come on, baby,
light my fire.

-Hello?
-[man] Next up, Zeppelin.

[sighs] Right.
I guess I was...

talking more about
basketball.

Take care of this
as soon as possible.

I can't deal with
this shit anymore.

-Uh--

[Mother]
The fuck was that, Don?

You havin' a stroke?
What the hell?

-[John] Mom, how's your food?
-[Mother] Eh. Over-seasoned.

I told Annie to
take it easy on the salt,

but she never listens.

[Annie] You know I can
hear you, right?

[Mother] At least the gravy
isn't lumpy.

-That's because I saved it.
-[Dad] I think we're back.

[John] Dad, maybe we, uh--

[Dad] You really do have
a refined palate.

[Mother] What? Why are you
being so complimentary?

He must have had a stroke.
Oh! Speak of the devil.

-Annie. Give this to John.
-[Mother] She hates me.

You hate me,
don't you, Annie?

Just like Sharon.

[Dad] Eunice, do you have
any travel plans?

-Nope.
-Travel plans. That's cool.

-Excuse me.
-Where you goin'?

-To the bathroom.
-During the meal?

I'll be back
in a minute, okay?

During the meal?

[Dad] I hear Aspen
is nice this time of year.

[Mother] Aspen?
I'd much prefer a cruise.

I hear something weird.

-[Dad] Don't talk about cruises.
-[man] Mayday. Mayday.

-[Dad] Mayday. Mayday.
-[Mother] Mayday?

-[static]
-Is that the family?

Stuck here. No way out.

[static]

If you don't send help,

I'm not sure we're
gonna make it.

[Dad] We have provisions,

but I'm not sure
how long they will last.

I repeat,
mayday, mayday.

If you see my son,
tell him I miss him

and I love him.

-May God bless him.
-Oh...

[Mother] Are you being
sarcastic, Don?

Um, John?

-What if I made it 250?
-No.

No?

Okay, how about you just take
this and we'll talk about it.

I don't care about
the money, I'm out.

We'll work it out tomorrow...
okay, okay.

You're right, let's, uh...

275.

[Dad] Keep peddling, guys.

Use your power to
get on the leaderboard.

Um, babe?

Increase the resistance
by two.

You'll feel it in
your legs, y'all.

Oh, shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Like, what's the deal
with bumper stickers?

-Everything's cool.
-Bumper stickers?

-I'll be right back.
-Hey, babe...

You're monopolizing
the conversation.

Have you ever noticed
that anybody

who has them on their car...

...is a bad driver, man?

Shots fired, the thrills.
Could be, like--

Hey, let me put some
reading material on my bumper.

Maybe there's a correlation?

For sure there is, it's like
my theory that all people

who drink water with
a straw can't be trusted.

-Oh, definitely.
-What?

I mean, I get it.
It's a liquid.

-Sorry about that.
-[Dad] It just feels wrong.

[Mother]
What is this, comedy hour?

And don't get me started
on foodies.

I get it, you like taking
photos of shrimp.

Or your $18 uni toast.

[Mother] The real joke is how he
left me for a gardener.

Sorry, landscape architect.

[Dad] This is Red Dog leader.

What the fuck you just
say to me, Eunice?

[John] Dad, Dad, no.

[Dad] Sorry, son, I can't
do this charade any more.

Can you read me?

[Mother]
Cocksucking homewrecker.

[John] Mom!

[Dad] Leave Rick out of this,
you bigoted bitch.

[John] Uh, Dad?

Kind of hoping we could
leave the past in the past.

[Mother] Bitch?
You're calling me a bitch?

-Is that a wire?
-[Mother] I'm a bitch?

Um, yeah.
Mega-bitch.

[Mother]
You're the bitch, bitch!

-Oh, fuck.
-Maybe you should have

-honored our marriage.
-[Dad] If you had even an ounce

of the goodness Rick has inside
him, maybe I would have.

I'd like to take this
opportunity to...

[Mother] That's not all
he's got inside of him.

[Dad] My only regret is
not leaving you sooner.

...to make a toast.

[Mother] I hate you and your
stupid fat cigar chomping

cabbage patch-ass face.

[Dad] And I hate you and your
weaponized bitterness

and oblique, Eunice,
you fucking sociopath.

[Mother] You're such a bitch.

[Dad] Good job, keep
spreading your bile.

[Mother] I feel sick.

Well, that was
quite an adventure.

I would have been better off
if I'd just gone to Sharon's.

[screeches]

Don't like the article, Jane?

Jesus!

What the hell?

-Babe.
-What's gotten into you?

Oh, give me a break.

You're constantly
coming at me,

and I'm always trying to
make it pleasant for you

-while he's--
-[John] Babe, take it easy.

I've never come at you and
I resent that accusation.

-Nothing's ever good enough.
-That's not true.

-The flowers, the food.
-Got a mouth on her.

Like, Mom, how do you think
that's an okay thing to say?

Sorry I'm not okay, John.

Even that right there.

It's like you're always so
passive aggressive all the time.

Well, maybe you're
just too sensitive.

Ugh!

I'm the one who had to suffer
through your father's antics

when he ruined my
Friendsgiving.

It wasn't your Friendsgiving,
Mom, it was Jane's.

It was supposed to be
our Thanksgiving.

Friendsgiving.

Mom, stop.

-Jane, will ya?
-Pointless.

-Kick me while I'm down.
-Please.

All I wanted was a nice, fun
night. So depressing.

I guess I'm responsible for
her chemical imbalance, too.

Just stop it.
The fuck, Mom?

[gasps]

[coughs]

Mom?

Unbelievable.

Great, was it worth
her losing her shit?

What about me,
don't I count?

Yeah, I defended you,
but she's a live wire.

You know that.
You know how worked up

I get around her.

Yes, literally every
fucking time.

And speaking of wires,
you put a fucking wire

under your father's coat
and you're feeding him lines

secretly under the table.

What the fuck is
wrong with you?

Babe, it was working
for a sec, though.

[groans]

Damn.

God.

Idiot.

[knocking]

Who is it?

It's me.

-John.
-Hey, Rick.

I'm so sorry about everything.

You could've called
and let us know

before you just showed up.

You're right. Where's Dad?

He's asleep, John. We're going
on a cruise in the morning.

I know, I just need to
speak to him for a minute.

Please.
Please, Rick.

I'm sorry, John, but
he's really stressed out,

and he really
needs his sleep.

Plus, you disinvited me!

I'm sorry, Rick, I should have
fought for you or something.

Hey, Dad.

Dad.

John, let him sleep.

He took a melatonin.

Hey, Dad.

We need to talk.

Dad, can you wake up?

-John, you're out of control.
-Come on, Dad.

Please, we need to talk.

What? What the hell are
you doing here?

Things got way worse
with Mom and Jane.

What the fuck?

I just really don't know
what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Don't you think
you've done enough already?

I mean, Johnny, you took
an awkward situation,

and turned it into
a dumpster fire.

I know, but...

I'm done with this shit.

It didn't work because...

Because Dave got a cheap
Bluetooth headset

and you started responding
to Jane like she was Mom.

That's not why.
What time is it?

I don't know, but the plan
was actually a good one

that was working at first.

Maybe if we use wi-fi or
something instead of Bluetooth,

or maybe if we fix it
by saying

that you had a brand
new hearing aid

and it was on the fritz.

I know you and Rick
have that cruise tomorrow.

Son, you've got to quit
while you're ahead.

I'm not ahead, Dad.

Mom is pissed at me.
Jane is pissed at me.

They got into
a massive fight.

[Rick]
Yeah, what did you expect?

I know, I'm a moron, Rick.

I just can't believe the hoops
I've got to jump through

just to keep things civil.

Ugh, idiot.

Son, maybe you shouldn't be
jumping through hoops at all.

Your mom is exhausting.

I should know that
better than anyone.

She might suffocate you
in her Chantilly-laced

cottage core vitriol,
but she's still your mom.

I know, Dad.
But it's relentless.

She's constantly
negging Jane,

and nothing's ever good enough.

And I get it.
I spazz out and I make it worse.

Jane's right.
Ugh.

Self-fulfilling prophecy,
every time.

Fucking ruined her holiday.

Ugh.

It's my birthday again.

Rick, can you
bring me our tickets?

Uh, yeah, I just saw them.

[Dad]
Aren't they in the kitchen?

-Okay, yeah, I'll go check.
-Thanks, love.

Your mom just wants
to be appreciated.

And you can't always
count on me

bailing you out every time.

[Rick] Ooh, found 'em.

Rick's gonna kill me.

I'm so sorry, Jane.

You were right.
You're always right.

I let you down.

I suck.

Yeah.

You suck.

-You really suck.
-Don't sugarcoat it.

Where'd you go?

To ask my dad for advice.

What did he say?

Well, that my plan
was really stupid.

-No shit.
-Yeah.

Any my mom's looking
for appreciation.

And it would go a long way
if I just gave it to her.

Appreciation?

Yeah.

You agreed?

No, no, no, no,
fuck that.

Yeah, I agreed, but

I don't know why it's so
hard for me to let my guard down

when she's around, so...

It's so hard.

Hey, did you even get
to eat dinner tonight?

No, I didn't.

You want me to grab you
some leftovers from the kitchen?

You must be starving.

Yeah.

I'm done acting like a bitch.

Oh, yeah?
What does that even mean?

Well...

I think I came up with
a good idea

with my dad for
how to fix this.

New idea?
I'm afraid to ask.

Babe...

I'm putting a ban
on your ideas.

But this one's
actually good.

You just said you're
done being a bitch.

Well, don't you even
want to hear it?

I mean...

-We'll call up my mom.
-Okay, so far, so good.

-Go on.
-Yeah, yeah.

And then I say we're
really sorry for everything

that happened to you last night.

We? Don't overdo it too much.

Right, we don't want to
rehash events too much.

We need to set some
boundaries, also.

Then I say Mom,
we booked you a cruise

as a token
of our appreciation.

We booked a cruise? Wow.

That's fucking
brilliant, John.

She'll love that.

She was talking about that.
On a ship, right?

[John] Yeah, on a ship,
what else would it be?

-[John] It's legit.
-[Jane] Just making sure.

[fog horn blows]

Everybody have your
tickets ready?

And your passports out.

Tickets ready and
passports out.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
you two did this for me.

Thanks so much.

-Of course.
-And does your father know

that you got a cruise for me?

Well, no, I figured he
probably shouldn't find out.

He'll be jealous.
I think you should.

-Have a fun trip.
-Thanks, I will, sweetie.

Oh, come here, monkey.

-Okay, Mom.
-I love you so much.

I love you so much.

-Bye, monkey.
-Goodbye.

Send us pics.

-Oh.
-What's this?

A little present
to say thanks.

Bye, Mom.

[Jane] Thank you.

[fog horn blows]

[Jane] Your dad just gave
you his tickets?

[John] Yeah. I mean,
Rick was pissed, but...

[Jane]
You really made her happy.

Let's open it.

-Uh, no, Jane.
-Come on. Come on.

-What are you doing?
-No, no, no.

It's just going to be
something that totally

-kills the vibe.
-Give it to me!

-No babe, please!
-Give it to me!

No, no, no, no, no.
Real aggressive, babe.

[Jane] You're the one that was
trying to play keep-away.

Whoa.

That's sweet.

Oh, she likes me.

Who gives someone
a photo of themselves?

It's sweet.

It's a trap.

Better send her a
thank you card

unlike Aunt Sharon before
she fucks up our Christmas.

Babe!