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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:06,507 - MM. 2 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,535 OH, THIS SOUP IS REALLY HOT. 3 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,077 - HEY, SHH. 4 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,282 [whispers] THAT COUPLE'S HAVING A FIGHT OVER THERE. 5 00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:14,383 IT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE. HE'S PISSED. 6 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,615 - ALL I KNOW IS THAT 7 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,119 I WOULD NEVER LOOK THROUGH YOUR EMAIL 8 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,121 BECAUSE I RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY. 9 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,493 - OH. SHE CHECKED HIS EMAIL. 10 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,492 THAT IS NEVER OKAY. 11 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,294 - MM-KAY, WELL, WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM 12 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,357 IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE? 13 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,396 - HAVE YOU EVER CHECKED MY EMAILS? 14 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,731 - NOT ANYMORE. THEY'RE SO BORING. 15 00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,496 I MEAN, IT'S ALL LIKE FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATES, 16 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,506 AND WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH POTTERY BARN? 17 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,409 - I BOUGHT ONE FRAME FOUR YEARS AGO. 18 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,311 THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH ME. 19 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,854 - EMAILING WITH A GIRL IS ABSOLUTELY CHEATING. 20 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,779 - HOW COULD I CHEAT ON YOU? 21 00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,484 YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD TO MY CELL PHONE. 22 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:52,817 - OKAY, WELL, THAT WOMAN IS CRAZY. 23 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,330 - YOU KNOW I DON'T LOVE THAT WORD. 24 00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,433 - RIGHT. 25 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,404 - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYTIME 26 00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,473 A WOMAN STANDS UP FOR HERSELF, SHE'S CRAZY. 27 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,271 I MEAN, FOR A GUY TO BE CALLED CRAZY, 28 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,413 HE'S GOT TO BE A HOMELESS CRACKHEAD 29 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,569 TALKING TO PIGEONS. 30 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,736 FOR A WOMAN TO BE CALLED CRAZY, 31 00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,405 SHE JUST HAS TO TALK. 32 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:19,254 - SORRY. I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL THAT WOMAN CRAZY. 33 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,450 SHE'S NOT CRAZY. SHE'S JUST... 34 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:25,822 IRRATIONAL, PARANOID, AND PSYCHOTIC. 35 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,823 - THANK YOU. 36 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,686 WHITNEY IS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 37 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,527 - OKAY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. - I'M JUST SAYING. 38 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,266 NOBODY SHOULD HAVE A PASSWORD ON THEIR PHONE 39 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,341 BECAUSE NOBODY SHOULD BE TRYING TO GET INTO IT ANYWAY. 40 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,711 - OKAY, BUT IF YOU WEREN'T DOING SOMETHING SHADY, 41 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,408 YOU WOULDN'T NEED A PASSWORD IN THE FIRST PLACE. 42 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,610 - OKAY. HEY. 43 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,781 CAN YOU GUYS TAKE YOUR FIGHT SOMEWHERE ELSE? 44 00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,910 IT'S MAKING ME JEALOUS. 45 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,745 - LOOK OUT. NAILED IT. 46 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,652 WHO'S NEXT. - I AM, I AM. 47 00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,294 ALEX, GIVE THEM SOME MONEY. 48 00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,289 WHAT AM I DOING? 49 00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:01,391 - NO, WE'RE PLAYING A GAME TO SEE 50 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,792 WHO CAN TAKE THE FUNNIEST PHOTO. 51 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,233 AND THE WINNER GETS THEIR PICK 52 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,558 OF ONE ITEM FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. 53 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,863 - OH, MAN. I WANT THOSE DENTURES. 54 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:11,204 - FOR WHAT? - YOU'LL SEE. 55 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,632 - SHE'S GOING FOR THOSE DUMB TEETH? SHE'S CRAZY. 56 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,497 THERE'S AN iPOD NANO RIGHT IN THE FRONT. 57 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,596 - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, R.J. 58 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,667 DON'T SAY THE "C" WORD AROUND WHITNEY. 59 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,406 - NO, NO. I SAID "FRONT." 60 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,353 - NO, NO, NO. SHE HATES THE WORD "CRAZY." 61 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,248 IT TRIGGERS SOMETHING WEIRD IN HER, 62 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,849 AND IT TAKES HER A LONG TIME TO EXPLAIN 63 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,520 WHY IT'S YOUR FAULT. 64 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,449 - OH. I'M LIKE THAT WITH THE WORD "FLAKEY." 65 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,715 IF I CANCEL HANGING OUT WITH YOU, 66 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,323 IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M FLAKEY. 67 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,485 IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. 68 00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:38,855 - MINE IS "BITCH." 69 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:41,402 IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF YOUR JOKES AREN'T FUNNY. 70 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,499 MARK. 71 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:46,371 - MINE IS "WUSS." EVEN HOW IT SOUNDS. 72 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,240 ESPECIALLY HOW IT LOOKS SCRATCHED INTO YOUR LOCKER. 73 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,441 - ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR THIRD RAIL WORD, R.J.? 74 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,984 - I DON'T HAVE ONE. 75 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,548 - WHAT? COME ON. EVERYBODY'S GOT A HOT BUTTON. 76 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,548 WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, "WIMP"? 77 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,950 - NOPE. - "AFRICAN PRINCE"? 78 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,581 - CAREFUL. 79 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,417 - ALL RIGHT. 80 00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:08,963 YOUR TURN. - ALL RIGHT. 81 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,389 DON'T LOOK. 82 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,229 GOT IT. 83 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,266 - OKAY. ALL THE PHOTOS ARE IN. 84 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,501 HERE WE GO. - [giggles] 85 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,465 - OUR FIRST CONTESTANT... 86 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:27,784 - [muffled laugh] 87 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,408 COME ON! 88 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:34,653 IT'S A PICTURE OF NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER. 89 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,822 IT'S SO RIDICULOUS. 90 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,791 - OKAY. NEXT. 91 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:40,990 - OH, THAT'S MINE. 92 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,361 - WHAT IS IT? 93 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,460 - MY PAYCHECK. 94 00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:45,461 IT'S THE BIGGEST JOKE AROUND HERE. 95 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:46,563 [laughter] 96 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,734 - OH, OKAY. YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY? 97 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,303 GUYS, THE BEER HAS ZERO ALCOHOL IN IT. 98 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,635 [laughs] 99 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,670 - OKAY. NEXT. 100 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,706 [laughter] 101 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,812 - DO IT! DO IT. I LOVE THAT FACE. 102 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,954 - THERE YOU GO. 103 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:11,020 - OKAY. NEXT. 104 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,391 - THAT ONE'S MINE. 105 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,721 - IS THAT YOUR BUTT? 106 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,016 - YEAH. 107 00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,387 - WILL YOU FORWARD ME THAT? 108 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,756 - OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? GAME OVER. 109 00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,734 - WHAT? OH, I WON. LANDSLIDE. 110 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,573 - WE'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE CALLING IT A NIGHT. 111 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,638 - I'M GOING TO CALL IT THE NIGHT I SAW WHITNEY'S BUTT. 112 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,698 - WAIT, I WANT TO GET MY TEETH. 113 00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,066 - COME ON, LEAVE THE TEETH. 114 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,513 YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH. 115 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:37,807 - WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS? 116 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,477 IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT WAS JUST MY BUTT. 117 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,315 IT LOOKED LIKE A PEACH. 118 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,791 - YEAH, THAT'S MY PEACH. 119 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,019 - OKAY, IT WAS OUR FRIENDS. THEY DON'T CARE. 120 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,415 THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. 121 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,017 - NO. NOBODY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. 122 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:54,398 - DID THEY THINK IT WAS SEXY? 123 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:55,958 - NO, IT WAS A BUMMER. 124 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,096 - GOD. HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE MAD ABOUT THIS? 125 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,832 - I DON'T KNOW. THAT WAS BIG DEAL. 126 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,868 - EXCUSE ME? 127 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,614 - NO. I MEAN, SHOWING ALL OF OUR FRIENDS 128 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,610 YOUR FANNY, ALL RIGHT? 129 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,541 IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY PHOTO CONTEST, 130 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:12,077 NOT A MOLE CHECK. 131 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,952 - LOOK, I ONLY HAVE ANOTHER COUPLE YEARS 132 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,381 TO TAKE PICTURES LIKE THAT BEFORE MY PEACH 133 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,787 TURNS INTO A PRUNE. 134 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,790 - THAT'S NOT HOW FRUIT WORKS. 135 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,662 LOOK, THE REASON WHY I'M SO PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS 136 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,792 IS BECAUSE I'M YOUR HUSBAND, AND I'M THE ONLY GUY 137 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,957 THAT GETS TO SEE YOU LIKE THAT. 138 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,895 - [scoffs[ ALEX, I WAS JUST TRYING 139 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,970 TO WIN US SOME TEETH. 140 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,670 YOU MISSED OUT ON A REALLY WEIRD THREESOME. 141 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:36,743 [clacking her teeth] 142 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:40,910 - UH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW-- KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 143 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,452 - COME ON, R.J. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A THIRD RAIL WORD. 144 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,721 JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS. 145 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,749 "WEIRDO BEARDO." 146 00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,654 - NOPE. 147 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,786 - YEAH, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. 148 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,461 YOUR BEARD'S A WORK OF ART. 149 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,460 WHAT ABOUT "KING DORK"? THAT ONE ALWAYS STINGS. 150 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:04,673 OR "VIRGIN" OR "SKID MARK." 151 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,468 - I DO NOT HAVE ANY HOT BUTTON WORDS 152 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,170 BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT. 153 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,072 - YEAH. 154 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:10,973 BUT SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU 155 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,074 WHEN YOU WERE A KID THAT MESSED YOU UP 156 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,506 AND LEFT A SCAR. 157 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,442 I MEAN, NOT ON YOUR PERFECT FACE 158 00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:17,847 BUT SOMEWHERE. 159 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,948 - MAYBE, BUT I DON'T SIT AROUND AND WHINE ABOUT THINGS 160 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,680 BECAUSE I'M NOT A CHILD. 161 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,875 - NEITHER AM I. 162 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:24,817 - OH. 163 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:28,422 MICHELLE'S BABY SHOWER WAS LAST WEEKEND. 164 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,116 - SO YOU MISSED IT? 165 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:33,857 - WELL, IF IT WAS IMPORTANT, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED. 166 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,534 I DON'T KNOW THAT BABY. 167 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,974 I'LL SHOW UP WHEN IT HAS A MEMORY. 168 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,899 - AND YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE CALL YOU FLAKEY. 169 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,966 AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A BITCH TO SAY THAT. 170 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,965 SAYING THAT MAKES ME HONEST. 171 00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:50,007 - I AM NOT FLAKEY. 172 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,513 - OKAY. 173 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,515 - OKAY, WELL, I DON'T THINK I'M FLAKEY, 174 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,678 AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DO. 175 00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,486 SO WHITNEY WILL BE THE TIE BREAKER. 176 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,748 YOU KNOW WHAT? 177 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,146 LET'S GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND SETTLE THIS. 178 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:04,657 - YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE. 179 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,562 - [clears throat] I KNOW. 180 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,904 I WAS COMING BACK TO GET IT. 181 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,899 BITCH. 182 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,873 - PHONE. 183 00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:24,137 - MAKE SURE LILY DELETED THAT PICTURE. 184 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:27,077 - IT MIGHT BE IN THE CLOUD. 185 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,554 - "THE CLOUD"? 186 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,153 YOUR PEACH IS IN THE CLOUD? 187 00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,254 - IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. 188 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,616 I MEAN, EVERYBODY WATCHES PORN. 189 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,056 - NO, YOU'RE NOT A PORN STAR. 190 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,030 - HEY! I COULD BE. 191 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,729 ASK MY THERAPIST. 192 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,233 WHY ARE YOU BEING SO UPTIGHT? 193 00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,704 - OKAY, I'M NOT UPTIGHT. 194 00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:47,704 - YES, YOU ARE. 195 00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:48,995 I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENED, 196 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,766 BUT IT HAPPENED. 197 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,844 FOR EXAMPLE... 198 00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,524 - THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME UPTIGHT. 199 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,920 THAT MAKES ME NORMAL. 200 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,122 PLEASE CLOSE IT. 201 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,764 - UPTIGHT. 202 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,989 - I AM NOT. - MM-HMM. 203 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:14,034 - I JUST DON'T WANT THESE EGGS TO HATCH. 204 00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,861 - WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY 205 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,166 WHO USED TO GO TO STARBUCKS IN HIS BOXERS, 206 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,628 WHO WOULD SING CHRISTINA AGUILERA 207 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,868 IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR? 208 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,302 - [Spanish accent] AGUILERA. 209 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,207 - OKAY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT USED TO SEND ME DIRTY PICTURES. 210 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,180 WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY? 211 00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,779 - THAT GUY GREW UP. 212 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,881 - THAT GUY GREW UPTIGHT. 213 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,623 - OH, YEAH? - YEAH. 214 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:45,631 - HOW ABOUT THAT? 215 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,729 RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM. 216 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:52,131 LIGHTS ON, BLINDS OPEN. WHATEVER. 217 00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,965 - IT'S OKAY, BABY. EVERYBODY GETS OLD. 218 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,572 - "OLD"? 219 00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:57,644 - I'M GONNA GO CHANGE. 220 00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,571 YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GET BACK TO YOUR NCIS. 221 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,307 - IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW IN THE WORLD. 222 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:08,045 NCIS. 223 00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:19,925 [belt buckle clinking] 224 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,844 [clears throat] 225 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,869 UPTIGHT, HUH? 226 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,044 I'LL SHOW YOU UPTIGHT. 227 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:36,112 UPTIGHT AND UP CLOSE. 228 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,314 - WHOA! - AAH! 229 00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,345 - AAH! 230 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,347 AAH! 231 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,215 - WHITNEY! 232 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,824 DO YOU THINK I'M FLAKEY? 233 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:53,633 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 234 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,234 - WHA--NO-- WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE? 235 00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,274 - OKAY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. 236 00:09:58,298 --> 00:09:59,228 I WAS PROVING A POINT. 237 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,326 - OH, OKAY, WELL, YOU PROVED A POINT WITH ME. 238 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:04,098 IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE. - VERY. VERY. 239 00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,767 I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT IT. 240 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,807 - WHAT IS GOING ON? 241 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,382 - UH, WE CAME OVER TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, 242 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,851 BUT THEN WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS. 243 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:18,421 AND NOW I SEE IT EVERYWHERE. 244 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,721 SO WE'RE GONNA GO. 245 00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:23,164 - GOD, WHAT IS IT WITH WEDNESDAYS 246 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,160 AND ME WALKING IN ON NAKED PEOPLE? 247 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:28,962 [chuckles] I MEAN... 248 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,726 [door closes] - LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN. 249 00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,074 - WHAT ARE YOU DO-- 250 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,169 WERE YOU TAKING A DIRTY PICTURE? 251 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,310 - YEAH. 252 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,838 - AWW. 253 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:43,283 ALEX. WAIT, FOR WHO? 254 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,910 - FOR ANDERSON COOPER. FOR YOU! 255 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,877 OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR FRIENDS JUST WALKED IN HERE 256 00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:51,346 AND SAW MY...EVERYTHING. 257 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,854 AND I'M JUST--THEY'RE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME. 258 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:56,286 - OKAY, THEY ARE NOT GONNA MAKE FUN OF YOU, OKAY? 259 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,693 IF THEY'RE GONNA SAY SOMETHING, 260 00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,185 THEY WOULD HAVE, LIKE, TEXTED ME BY NOW. 261 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:04,226 [phone vibrating] 262 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,472 THAT COULD BE ANYONE. 263 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,869 [phone vibrating] 264 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,271 LOOK. [clears throat] 265 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,303 [snickers] 266 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,838 - I KNEW IT. 267 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,043 - IT'S OKAY. CALM DOWN. 268 00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,875 IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. 269 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:22,280 - WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "NOT THAT BIG"? 270 00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,345 - HEY, R.J., CAN YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS 271 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,223 AND GET ME A JAR OF OLIVES? 272 00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,022 I'M STUCK ON A SUPER IMPORTANT CALL. 273 00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,864 - SURE. TELL YOUR MOM I SAID HI. 274 00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,689 - I'M NOT TALKING TO MY MOM. 275 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,731 WHAT WAS THAT, NANA? 276 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,104 NO, THAT'S JUST THE GUY I WORK WITH AND WANNA BE. 277 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,272 WHAT? 278 00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,212 WHERE'S THE OLIVES? 279 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,478 ARE YOU OKAY? 280 00:11:55,783 --> 00:12:00,353 UM, I GOTTA GO, BEER DELIVERY GUY. 281 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,387 YEAH, LOVE YOU TOO. 282 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,258 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? 283 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:09,363 - I SAW SOMETHING. 284 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,226 - WAS IT THE DRUNK RAT? 285 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,465 - NO, I SAW...A SPIDER. 286 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:18,042 - I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING THAT SET YOU OFF. 287 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,211 YOU'RE AFRAID OF SPIDERS. 288 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,410 - YOU MEAN MURDERERS WITH 50 EYES? 289 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:27,353 - OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN. 290 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,080 - THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT. 291 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:32,886 - OKAY, NOW LET DOWN YOUR DRAWBRIDGE. 292 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,964 - LOOK, WHEN MY DAD LEFT, 293 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,989 I HAD TO BE THE MAN AROUND THE HOUSE. 294 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,525 OUR NEW PLACE HAD ALL THESE SPIDERS. 295 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,360 MY MOM AND MY SISTER WERE SCARED OF 'EM, 296 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,355 SO I HAD TO BE THE ONE THAT KILLED THEM. 297 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,427 ONE NIGHT, ONE OF THE SURVIVORS... 298 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:53,512 GOT HIS REVENGE... 299 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:57,380 AND BIT ME ON THE FACE. 300 00:12:57,410 --> 00:13:01,350 I CAN STILL FEEL THE... 301 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,821 LITTLE HAIRY LEGS ALL OV-- 302 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,322 IT WAS BIG, BLACK-- 303 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,864 - CAREFUL... 304 00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,289 - [giggling] YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. 305 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,297 OH, REALLY. 306 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,572 - GOOD OBITUARIES TODAY? 307 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,441 - [laughs] 308 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,310 - ARE YOU STILL EMAILING WITH ROXANNE AND LILY? 309 00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,308 THEY'RE-- YOU'RE STILL AT IT? 310 00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,339 - OH, WE'RE JUST JOKING. 311 00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,336 - "JOKING"? 312 00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,977 - WHAT? IT WAS FUNNY. 313 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,282 WE'RE JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT. 314 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,853 - "IT"? "LAUGHING"? 315 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,194 - NO, IT'S NOTHING. - COME ON, LET ME SEE. 316 00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,249 I WANT TO SEE. CAN I SEE IT? - NO. 317 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,988 - ALL RIGHT. BUT LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER. 318 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,264 YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK. 319 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,032 I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT. 320 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,961 - YEAH. - YEAH. 321 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:53,927 I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ANY COMPLAINTS. 322 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,337 - WE MAKE IT WORK. 323 00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,339 - HILARIOUS. [door closes] 324 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:14,350 [shower running] 325 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,517 WHITNEY, YOU'RE TAKING A SHOWER? 326 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:20,356 - NO, IT JUST STARTED RAINING IN HERE. 327 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,403 - OKAY. 328 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,035 HERE WE GO. 329 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:34,611 "BOOTS. BOOTS. 330 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,511 BOOTS." 331 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:40,354 THERE IT IS. 332 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,980 [laughs] 333 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,345 AH. 334 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,123 THAT'S NOT THAT BAD. 335 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,322 - ALEX, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I PUT THE-- 336 00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:49,363 - YES? WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T. 337 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,319 - WERE YOU GOING THROUGH MY EMAILS? 338 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:52,428 - WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHOWERING. 339 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,289 - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. 340 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,427 - OH, ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU? 341 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:56,932 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DELIBERATELY 342 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,404 WASTING HOT WATER. 343 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:04,172 - DON'T EVEN TRY TO DO--YOU KNOW I TAKE ICE-COLD SHOWERS. 344 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,674 DID YOU FIND WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR? 345 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:06,505 - OKAY, FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH. 346 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,569 I WAS LOOKING THROUGH YOUR EMAILS. 347 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,507 BUT I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW IF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS 348 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:13,153 ARE MAKING FUN OF MY DONG. 349 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,480 THAT'S MY RIGHT. 350 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,224 - OKAY, BUT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SAID 351 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,049 THAT IT IS NEVER OKAY TO GO THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EMAILS. 352 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,615 - NOW SHE'S LISTENING TO ME. 353 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,523 - OKAY, YOU COMPLETELY VIOLATED MY PRIVACY. 354 00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,715 - PRIV--SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT PRIVACY? 355 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,457 YOU JUST TOOK A PHOTO OF YOURSELF 356 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:29,133 THAT WOULD MAKE ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE BLUSH. 357 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,432 - OKAY, OKAY. FIRST OF ALL, GREAT REFERENCE. 358 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,374 I APPRECIATE YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF PHOTOGRAPHY 359 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,000 SINCE THAT IS MY PROFESSION. 360 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,595 SECOND OF ALL, I CAN'T-- THAT--JUST ADMIT 361 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,137 THAT IT WAS NOT COOL THAT YOU DID THAT. 362 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,042 YOU'RE SO STUPID. 363 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,214 - SO I'M STUPID? 364 00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:44,742 - YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. 365 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:48,017 - WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE CRAZY. 366 00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,062 - EXCUSE ME? 367 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,460 - YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. I SAID YOU'RE CRAZY. 368 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,491 YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY, YOUR CLOTHES ARE CRAZY, 369 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:05,098 YOUR OPEN-TOED BOOTS ARE CRAZY. 370 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:09,072 YOUR HAIR'S CRAZY, YOUR LONG-ASS ARMS ARE CRAZY, 371 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,302 YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY. 372 00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,437 EVERYTHING'S CRAZY. CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY. 373 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,413 CRAZY! 374 00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,754 - YOU ALREADY SAID MY EYES ARE CRAZY. 375 00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:22,379 - YEAH? WELL, YOU GOT TWO OF 'EM. 376 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:26,315 AND THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY. 377 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,763 I'LL PACK AN OVERNIGHT BAG. 378 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:34,294 - MARK? 379 00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,495 MARK? 380 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,769 MARK! 381 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,440 - YOU ARE SUCH A WIMP. 382 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,770 THERE ARE NO SPIDERS DOWN THERE. 383 00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:48,644 - IS THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU TO SAY? 384 00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:54,208 YAAAH! 385 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,088 - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? 386 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,290 YOU LOOK COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS. 387 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,758 SPIDERS ARE MORE AFRAID OF PEOPLE 388 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,703 THAN PEOPLE ARE OF SPIDERS. 389 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,244 [shrieks] 390 00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,109 - [shrieking] 391 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,408 [both shrieking and whooping] 392 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,440 - UHH! UHH! NO, NO, NO. NO, NO. 393 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,406 Y-YOU'RE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE JUST MAKING A MESS. 394 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,819 both: AAH! 395 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,819 - HE'S MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME. 396 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,463 I MEAN, "EYES" CONTACT. 397 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,129 - GET THE GUN. - WE HAVE A GUN? 398 00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,489 - I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GUN. 399 00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,827 - DON'T BE RACIST RIGHT NOW. - IS THAT RACIST? 400 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:47,403 - WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, IT PROBABLY IS. 401 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,135 - HEY. 402 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,410 WOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER? 403 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,339 - OH, LOOK. A SPIDER. 404 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,475 [baby voice] HE'S A BIG BOY. 405 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,181 - YOU LADIES DON'T MOVE. 406 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,513 I GOT THIS. 407 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,378 I'M JUST GONNA YELP "EXTERMINATORS." 408 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,416 - WAIT, I'M A MEMBER OF ANGIE'S LIST. 409 00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:12,727 - I'M GONNA GO SET IT FREE. 410 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:17,659 HI, BUDDY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 411 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,467 IT'S SO TICKLY. - [gasps] 412 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:23,369 [baby voice] WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE SPIDER? 413 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,773 - HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? 414 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,174 IT'S SO BIG AND SCARY. 415 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,737 - OH, WE'RE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING. 416 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:33,475 - YEAH. WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS. 417 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,253 - AH. 418 00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,647 - HEY. - HEY. 419 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,716 I'M GOING TO BED. - GOOD NIGHT. 420 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:43,785 - NIGHT. 421 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,193 - IT'S 4:30. 422 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,457 - I'LL TAKE TYLENOL PM. 423 00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:52,566 - WE'RE ALL OUT OF TYLENOL PM. 424 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,399 - I'LL EAT SOME TURKEY. 425 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,565 - WE BOTH AGREED NO EATING IN THE BEDROOM 426 00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:01,774 UNLESS WE'RE FILMING. 427 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,849 LOOK, WHIT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED YOU CRAZY. 428 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,251 - NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE. 429 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,923 I KNOW CRAZY. I COME FROM CRAZY, OKAY? 430 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,462 AND I AM NOT THAT. I'M NOT THAT FOR YOU. 431 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,829 SO FOR YOU OF ALL PEOPLE TO CALL ME THAT REALLY SUCKS. 432 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,429 IT INVALIDATES HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED 433 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,361 TO NOT BE CRAZY, SO THAT I WOULDN'T RUIN THIS. 434 00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:26,367 - ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CALL ME STUPID. 435 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:27,899 - I NEVER CALLED YOU STUPID. 436 00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,904 - YEAH, YOU DID. YOU CALLED ME STUPID WITH THE EMAILS. 437 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,436 - I DID? - YEAH. 438 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,482 AND LAST YEAR WHEN WE WENT TO SEATTLE, 439 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,778 YOU CALLED ME STUPID 'CAUSE I WANTED TO RENT AN S.U.V. 440 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,712 AND THEN A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, WE WERE BOTH IN THE KITCHEN, 441 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,378 YOU CALLED ME STUPID WITH THE STOVE. 442 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,617 - I'M PRETTY SURE IN THE KITCHEN, I CALLED YOU A MORON. 443 00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:49,693 - NO, THAT I'M FINE WITH. 444 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,792 - THEN WHY AREN'T YOU FINE WITH STUPID? 445 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,455 - LOOK, WHEN I WAS A KID, 446 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,397 I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE IN SCHOOL. 447 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,732 AND MY BROTHER WAS IN ALL THE ADVANCED CLASSES 448 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,668 AND ALWAYS GOT STRAIGHT As. 449 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,543 AND MY MOM HAD TO TUTOR ME EVERY NIGHT BEFORE DINNER. 450 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:10,343 AND MY BROTHER WOULD JUST CONSTANTLY CALL ME STUPID. 451 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,407 AND MY DAD WOULD LAUGH. 452 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,578 - I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 453 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,417 - YEAH, SO IT JUST BOTHERS ME. 454 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,560 - I PROMISE NOT TO CALL YOU STUPID ANYMORE. 455 00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,303 FROM NOW ON, 456 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:32,469 I'LL ONLY THINK IT. 457 00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,469 - YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY COOL 458 00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,301 WE CAN MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER LIKE THIS. 459 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,466 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 460 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,944 I DON'T THINK MOST COUPLES CAN DO THAT. 461 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,541 - YEAH, BUT WE SHOULD PROBABLY STAY AWAY 462 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,683 FROM THOSE PARTICULAR WORDS, YOU KNOW. 463 00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,280 SO HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF "STUPID," 464 00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,523 FROM NOW ON I'LL CALL YOU... 465 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,378 - "GENIUS." 466 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:54,747 AND INSTEAD OF "CRAZY," I'LL CALL YOU... 467 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,617 - SOFIA VERGARA. 468 00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:59,026 - [Spanish accent] VERGARA. 469 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,498 YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER. 470 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:04,430 - ME TOO. 471 00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:08,774 'CAUSE NO ONE ELSE WOULD HANG OUT WITH US. 472 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,001 - WHY NOT? 473 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:14,836 - BECAUSE I'M CRAZY AND YOU'RE... 474 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,784 A GENIUS. 32579

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