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1
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:06,507
- MM.
2
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,535
OH, THIS SOUP IS REALLY HOT.
3
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,077
- HEY, SHH.
4
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,282
[whispers] THAT COUPLE'S HAVING
A FIGHT OVER THERE.
5
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:14,383
IT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE.
HE'S PISSED.
6
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,615
- ALL I KNOW IS THAT
7
00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,119
I WOULD NEVER LOOK
THROUGH YOUR EMAIL
8
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:19,121
BECAUSE I RESPECT
YOUR PRIVACY.
9
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,493
- OH.
SHE CHECKED HIS EMAIL.
10
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,492
THAT IS NEVER OKAY.
11
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,294
- MM-KAY, WELL,
WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM
12
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,357
IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE?
13
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,396
- HAVE YOU EVER CHECKED
MY EMAILS?
14
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,731
- NOT ANYMORE.
THEY'RE SO BORING.
15
00:00:32,766 --> 00:00:35,496
I MEAN, IT'S ALL LIKE
FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATES,
16
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,506
AND WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION
WITH POTTERY BARN?
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,409
- I BOUGHT ONE FRAME
FOUR YEARS AGO.
18
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,311
THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH ME.
19
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,854
- EMAILING WITH A GIRL IS
ABSOLUTELY CHEATING.
20
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:46,779
- HOW COULD I CHEAT ON YOU?
21
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:49,484
YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD
TO MY CELL PHONE.
22
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:52,817
- OKAY, WELL,
THAT WOMAN IS CRAZY.
23
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,330
- YOU KNOW
I DON'T LOVE THAT WORD.
24
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,433
- RIGHT.
25
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,404
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY ANYTIME
26
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:07,473
A WOMAN STANDS UP FOR HERSELF,
SHE'S CRAZY.
27
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,271
I MEAN, FOR A GUY
TO BE CALLED CRAZY,
28
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,413
HE'S GOT TO BE
A HOMELESS CRACKHEAD
29
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,569
TALKING TO PIGEONS.
30
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,736
FOR A WOMAN
TO BE CALLED CRAZY,
31
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:16,405
SHE JUST HAS TO TALK.
32
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:19,254
- SORRY. I-I DIDN'T MEAN
TO CALL THAT WOMAN CRAZY.
33
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,450
SHE'S NOT CRAZY.
SHE'S JUST...
34
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:25,822
IRRATIONAL, PARANOID,
AND PSYCHOTIC.
35
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,823
- THANK YOU.
36
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,686
WHITNEY IS TAPED IN FRONT
OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
37
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,527
- OKAY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
- I'M JUST SAYING.
38
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,266
NOBODY SHOULD HAVE A PASSWORD
ON THEIR PHONE
39
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,341
BECAUSE NOBODY SHOULD BE TRYING
TO GET INTO IT ANYWAY.
40
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,711
- OKAY, BUT IF YOU WEREN'T
DOING SOMETHING SHADY,
41
00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,408
YOU WOULDN'T NEED A PASSWORD
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
42
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,610
- OKAY. HEY.
43
00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,781
CAN YOU GUYS TAKE YOUR FIGHT
SOMEWHERE ELSE?
44
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,910
IT'S MAKING ME JEALOUS.
45
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,745
- LOOK OUT.
NAILED IT.
46
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,652
WHO'S NEXT.
- I AM, I AM.
47
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,294
ALEX, GIVE THEM SOME MONEY.
48
00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,289
WHAT AM I DOING?
49
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:01,391
- NO, WE'RE PLAYING
A GAME TO SEE
50
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,792
WHO CAN TAKE
THE FUNNIEST PHOTO.
51
00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,233
AND THE WINNER GETS THEIR PICK
52
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,558
OF ONE ITEM
FROM THE LOST AND FOUND.
53
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,863
- OH, MAN.
I WANT THOSE DENTURES.
54
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:11,204
- FOR WHAT?
- YOU'LL SEE.
55
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,632
- SHE'S GOING FOR THOSE DUMB
TEETH? SHE'S CRAZY.
56
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,497
THERE'S AN iPOD NANO
RIGHT IN THE FRONT.
57
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:16,596
- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
R.J.
58
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,667
DON'T SAY THE "C" WORD
AROUND WHITNEY.
59
00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:22,406
- NO, NO.
I SAID "FRONT."
60
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,353
- NO, NO, NO.
SHE HATES THE WORD "CRAZY."
61
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:25,248
IT TRIGGERS SOMETHING WEIRD
IN HER,
62
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,849
AND IT TAKES HER A LONG TIME
TO EXPLAIN
63
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,520
WHY IT'S YOUR FAULT.
64
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:31,449
- OH. I'M LIKE THAT
WITH THE WORD "FLAKEY."
65
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,715
IF I CANCEL HANGING OUT
WITH YOU,
66
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,323
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M FLAKEY.
67
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:37,485
IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.
68
00:02:37,525 --> 00:02:38,855
- MINE IS "BITCH."
69
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:41,402
IT'S NOT MY FAULT
IF YOUR JOKES AREN'T FUNNY.
70
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,499
MARK.
71
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:46,371
- MINE IS "WUSS."
EVEN HOW IT SOUNDS.
72
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:50,240
ESPECIALLY HOW IT LOOKS
SCRATCHED INTO YOUR LOCKER.
73
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,441
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR
THIRD RAIL WORD, R.J.?
74
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,984
- I DON'T HAVE ONE.
75
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,548
- WHAT? COME ON.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A HOT BUTTON.
76
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,548
WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, "WIMP"?
77
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:00,950
- NOPE.
- "AFRICAN PRINCE"?
78
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,581
- CAREFUL.
79
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,417
- ALL RIGHT.
80
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:08,963
YOUR TURN.
- ALL RIGHT.
81
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,389
DON'T LOOK.
82
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:18,229
GOT IT.
83
00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,266
- OKAY.
ALL THE PHOTOS ARE IN.
84
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:21,501
HERE WE GO.
- [giggles]
85
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,465
- OUR FIRST CONTESTANT...
86
00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:27,784
- [muffled laugh]
87
00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,408
COME ON!
88
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:34,653
IT'S A PICTURE
OF NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.
89
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,822
IT'S SO RIDICULOUS.
90
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,791
- OKAY.
NEXT.
91
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:40,990
- OH, THAT'S MINE.
92
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,361
- WHAT IS IT?
93
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,460
- MY PAYCHECK.
94
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:45,461
IT'S THE BIGGEST JOKE
AROUND HERE.
95
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:46,563
[laughter]
96
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,734
- OH, OKAY.
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
97
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:54,303
GUYS, THE BEER HAS ZERO ALCOHOL
IN IT.
98
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:56,635
[laughs]
99
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,670
- OKAY. NEXT.
100
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,706
[laughter]
101
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,812
- DO IT! DO IT.
I LOVE THAT FACE.
102
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,954
- THERE YOU GO.
103
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:11,020
- OKAY. NEXT.
104
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,391
- THAT ONE'S MINE.
105
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,721
- IS THAT YOUR BUTT?
106
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,016
- YEAH.
107
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:18,387
- WILL YOU FORWARD ME THAT?
108
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,756
- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
GAME OVER.
109
00:04:20,794 --> 00:04:22,734
- WHAT? OH, I WON.
LANDSLIDE.
110
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,573
- WE'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA
BE CALLING IT A NIGHT.
111
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:27,638
- I'M GOING TO CALL IT THE NIGHT
I SAW WHITNEY'S BUTT.
112
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:28,698
- WAIT, I WANT TO GET MY TEETH.
113
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,066
- COME ON, LEAVE THE TEETH.
114
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,513
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH.
115
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:37,807
- WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKED OUT
ABOUT THIS?
116
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,477
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
IT WAS JUST MY BUTT.
117
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,315
IT LOOKED LIKE A PEACH.
118
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,791
- YEAH, THAT'S MY PEACH.
119
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:48,019
- OKAY, IT WAS OUR FRIENDS.
THEY DON'T CARE.
120
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,415
THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
121
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,017
- NO. NOBODY THOUGHT
IT WAS FUNNY.
122
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:54,398
- DID THEY THINK IT WAS SEXY?
123
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:55,958
- NO, IT WAS A BUMMER.
124
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,096
- GOD. HOW LONG ARE
YOU GONNA BE MAD ABOUT THIS?
125
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,832
- I DON'T KNOW.
THAT WAS BIG DEAL.
126
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:03,868
- EXCUSE ME?
127
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,614
- NO. I MEAN,
SHOWING ALL OF OUR FRIENDS
128
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,610
YOUR FANNY, ALL RIGHT?
129
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,541
IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A FUNNY PHOTO CONTEST,
130
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:12,077
NOT A MOLE CHECK.
131
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,952
- LOOK, I ONLY HAVE
ANOTHER COUPLE YEARS
132
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,381
TO TAKE PICTURES LIKE THAT
BEFORE MY PEACH
133
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:19,787
TURNS INTO A PRUNE.
134
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,790
- THAT'S NOT HOW FRUIT WORKS.
135
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:24,662
LOOK, THE REASON WHY
I'M SO PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS
136
00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,792
IS BECAUSE I'M YOUR HUSBAND,
AND I'M THE ONLY GUY
137
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:27,957
THAT GETS TO SEE
YOU LIKE THAT.
138
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,895
- [scoffs[ ALEX,
I WAS JUST TRYING
139
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,970
TO WIN US SOME TEETH.
140
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,670
YOU MISSED OUT ON
A REALLY WEIRD THREESOME.
141
00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:36,743
[clacking her teeth]
142
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:40,910
- UH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW--
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
143
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,452
- COME ON, R.J. YOU HAVE
TO HAVE A THIRD RAIL WORD.
144
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,721
JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
145
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,749
"WEIRDO BEARDO."
146
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,654
- NOPE.
147
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,786
- YEAH, THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY SENSE.
148
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,461
YOUR BEARD'S A WORK OF ART.
149
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,460
WHAT ABOUT "KING DORK"?
THAT ONE ALWAYS STINGS.
150
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:04,673
OR "VIRGIN"
OR "SKID MARK."
151
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:06,468
- I DO NOT HAVE
ANY HOT BUTTON WORDS
152
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,170
BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT.
153
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,072
- YEAH.
154
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:10,973
BUT SOMETHING MUST
HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU
155
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,074
WHEN YOU WERE A KID
THAT MESSED YOU UP
156
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,506
AND LEFT A SCAR.
157
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,442
I MEAN,
NOT ON YOUR PERFECT FACE
158
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:17,847
BUT SOMEWHERE.
159
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,948
- MAYBE, BUT I DON'T SIT AROUND
AND WHINE ABOUT THINGS
160
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,680
BECAUSE I'M NOT A CHILD.
161
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,875
- NEITHER AM I.
162
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:24,817
- OH.
163
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:28,422
MICHELLE'S BABY SHOWER
WAS LAST WEEKEND.
164
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,116
- SO YOU MISSED IT?
165
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:33,857
- WELL, IF IT WAS IMPORTANT,
I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED.
166
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,534
I DON'T KNOW THAT BABY.
167
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,974
I'LL SHOW UP
WHEN IT HAS A MEMORY.
168
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,899
- AND YOU WONDER
WHY PEOPLE CALL YOU FLAKEY.
169
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,966
AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A BITCH
TO SAY THAT.
170
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,965
SAYING THAT MAKES ME HONEST.
171
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:50,007
- I AM NOT FLAKEY.
172
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,513
- OKAY.
173
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,515
- OKAY, WELL,
I DON'T THINK I'M FLAKEY,
174
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,678
AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DO.
175
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,486
SO WHITNEY WILL BE
THE TIE BREAKER.
176
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,748
YOU KNOW WHAT?
177
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,146
LET'S GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW
AND SETTLE THIS.
178
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:04,657
- YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE.
179
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,562
- [clears throat]
I KNOW.
180
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,904
I WAS COMING BACK TO GET IT.
181
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,899
BITCH.
182
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,873
- PHONE.
183
00:07:20,007 --> 00:07:24,137
- MAKE SURE LILY DELETED
THAT PICTURE.
184
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:27,077
- IT MIGHT BE IN THE CLOUD.
185
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,554
- "THE CLOUD"?
186
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,153
YOUR PEACH IS IN THE CLOUD?
187
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:33,254
- IT'S NOT THAT BIG
OF A DEAL.
188
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,616
I MEAN, EVERYBODY
WATCHES PORN.
189
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,056
- NO, YOU'RE NOT A PORN STAR.
190
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,030
- HEY! I COULD BE.
191
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,729
ASK MY THERAPIST.
192
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,233
WHY ARE YOU BEING
SO UPTIGHT?
193
00:07:44,264 --> 00:07:46,704
- OKAY, I'M NOT UPTIGHT.
194
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:47,704
- YES, YOU ARE.
195
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:48,995
I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENED,
196
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:50,766
BUT IT HAPPENED.
197
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,844
FOR EXAMPLE...
198
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,524
- THAT DOESN'T
MAKE ME UPTIGHT.
199
00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,920
THAT MAKES ME NORMAL.
200
00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,122
PLEASE CLOSE IT.
201
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,764
- UPTIGHT.
202
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,989
- I AM NOT.
- MM-HMM.
203
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:14,034
- I JUST DON'T WANT THESE EGGS
TO HATCH.
204
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,861
- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY
205
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,166
WHO USED TO GO TO STARBUCKS
IN HIS BOXERS,
206
00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,628
WHO WOULD SING
CHRISTINA AGUILERA
207
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,868
IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR?
208
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,302
- [Spanish accent]
AGUILERA.
209
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,207
- OKAY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT USED
TO SEND ME DIRTY PICTURES.
210
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,180
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY?
211
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,779
- THAT GUY GREW UP.
212
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,881
- THAT GUY GREW UPTIGHT.
213
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,623
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
214
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:45,631
- HOW ABOUT THAT?
215
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,729
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE LIVING ROOM.
216
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:52,131
LIGHTS ON, BLINDS OPEN.
WHATEVER.
217
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:54,965
- IT'S OKAY, BABY.
EVERYBODY GETS OLD.
218
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,572
- "OLD"?
219
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:57,644
- I'M GONNA GO CHANGE.
220
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,571
YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GET BACK
TO YOUR NCIS.
221
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,307
- IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW
IN THE WORLD.
222
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:08,045
NCIS.
223
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:19,925
[belt buckle clinking]
224
00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,844
[clears throat]
225
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,869
UPTIGHT, HUH?
226
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,044
I'LL SHOW YOU UPTIGHT.
227
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:36,112
UPTIGHT AND UP CLOSE.
228
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,314
- WHOA!
- AAH!
229
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:39,345
- AAH!
230
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:41,347
AAH!
231
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:47,215
- WHITNEY!
232
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:50,824
DO YOU THINK I'M FLAKEY?
233
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:53,633
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
234
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,234
- WHA--NO--
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
235
00:09:57,264 --> 00:09:58,274
- OKAY,
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
236
00:09:58,298 --> 00:09:59,228
I WAS PROVING A POINT.
237
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,326
- OH, OKAY, WELL, YOU PROVED
A POINT WITH ME.
238
00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:04,098
IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
- VERY. VERY.
239
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,767
I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA
HAVE TO FIGHT IT.
240
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,807
- WHAT IS GOING ON?
241
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,382
- UH, WE CAME OVER TO ASK YOU
A QUESTION,
242
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,851
BUT THEN WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS.
243
00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:18,421
AND NOW I SEE IT EVERYWHERE.
244
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,721
SO WE'RE GONNA GO.
245
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:23,164
- GOD, WHAT IS IT
WITH WEDNESDAYS
246
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,160
AND ME WALKING IN
ON NAKED PEOPLE?
247
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:28,962
[chuckles]
I MEAN...
248
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,726
[door closes]
- LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.
249
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,074
- WHAT ARE YOU DO--
250
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,169
WERE YOU TAKING
A DIRTY PICTURE?
251
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:38,310
- YEAH.
252
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:39,838
- AWW.
253
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:43,283
ALEX.
WAIT, FOR WHO?
254
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,910
- FOR ANDERSON COOPER.
FOR YOU!
255
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,877
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR FRIENDS
JUST WALKED IN HERE
256
00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:51,346
AND SAW MY...EVERYTHING.
257
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:52,854
AND I'M JUST--THEY'RE GONNA
MAKE FUN OF ME.
258
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:56,286
- OKAY, THEY ARE NOT GONNA
MAKE FUN OF YOU, OKAY?
259
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,693
IF THEY'RE GONNA
SAY SOMETHING,
260
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,185
THEY WOULD HAVE, LIKE,
TEXTED ME BY NOW.
261
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:04,226
[phone vibrating]
262
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,472
THAT COULD BE ANYONE.
263
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,869
[phone vibrating]
264
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,271
LOOK.
[clears throat]
265
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,303
[snickers]
266
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,838
- I KNEW IT.
267
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:15,043
- IT'S OKAY.
CALM DOWN.
268
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,875
IT IS NOT
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
269
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:22,280
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY
"NOT THAT BIG"?
270
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,345
- HEY, R.J.,
CAN YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS
271
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,223
AND GET ME A JAR
OF OLIVES?
272
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,022
I'M STUCK ON
A SUPER IMPORTANT CALL.
273
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,864
- SURE.
TELL YOUR MOM I SAID HI.
274
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,689
- I'M NOT TALKING TO MY MOM.
275
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,731
WHAT WAS THAT, NANA?
276
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:39,104
NO, THAT'S JUST THE GUY
I WORK WITH AND WANNA BE.
277
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,272
WHAT?
278
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,212
WHERE'S THE OLIVES?
279
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,478
ARE YOU OKAY?
280
00:11:55,783 --> 00:12:00,353
UM, I GOTTA GO,
BEER DELIVERY GUY.
281
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,387
YEAH, LOVE YOU TOO.
282
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,258
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
283
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:09,363
- I SAW SOMETHING.
284
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:12,226
- WAS IT THE DRUNK RAT?
285
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,465
- NO, I SAW...A SPIDER.
286
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:18,042
- I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE
SOMETHING THAT SET YOU OFF.
287
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,211
YOU'RE AFRAID OF SPIDERS.
288
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,410
- YOU MEAN MURDERERS
WITH 50 EYES?
289
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:27,353
- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.
290
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,080
- THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY
ABOUT IT.
291
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:32,886
- OKAY, NOW LET DOWN
YOUR DRAWBRIDGE.
292
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,964
- LOOK, WHEN MY DAD LEFT,
293
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,989
I HAD TO BE THE MAN
AROUND THE HOUSE.
294
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,525
OUR NEW PLACE HAD
ALL THESE SPIDERS.
295
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,360
MY MOM AND MY SISTER
WERE SCARED OF 'EM,
296
00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:44,355
SO I HAD TO BE THE ONE
THAT KILLED THEM.
297
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,427
ONE NIGHT,
ONE OF THE SURVIVORS...
298
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:53,512
GOT HIS REVENGE...
299
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:57,380
AND BIT ME ON THE FACE.
300
00:12:57,410 --> 00:13:01,350
I CAN STILL FEEL THE...
301
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,821
LITTLE HAIRY LEGS ALL OV--
302
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,322
IT WAS BIG, BLACK--
303
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,864
- CAREFUL...
304
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,289
- [giggling]
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
305
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,297
OH, REALLY.
306
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,572
- GOOD OBITUARIES TODAY?
307
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,441
- [laughs]
308
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,310
- ARE YOU STILL EMAILING
WITH ROXANNE AND LILY?
309
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,308
THEY'RE--
YOU'RE STILL AT IT?
310
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,339
- OH, WE'RE JUST JOKING.
311
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:30,336
- "JOKING"?
312
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:31,977
- WHAT? IT WAS FUNNY.
313
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,282
WE'RE JUST LAUGHING
ABOUT IT.
314
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:36,853
- "IT"?
"LAUGHING"?
315
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,194
- NO, IT'S NOTHING.
- COME ON, LET ME SEE.
316
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,249
I WANT TO SEE. CAN I SEE IT?
- NO.
317
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,988
- ALL RIGHT.
BUT LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
318
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,264
YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE
ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK.
319
00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:48,032
I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT.
320
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,961
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
321
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:53,927
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN
ANY COMPLAINTS.
322
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,337
- WE MAKE IT WORK.
323
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:59,339
- HILARIOUS.
[door closes]
324
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:14,350
[shower running]
325
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,517
WHITNEY, YOU'RE TAKING
A SHOWER?
326
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:20,356
- NO, IT JUST STARTED RAINING
IN HERE.
327
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,403
- OKAY.
328
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:31,035
HERE WE GO.
329
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:34,611
"BOOTS. BOOTS.
330
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,511
BOOTS."
331
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:40,354
THERE IT IS.
332
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,980
[laughs]
333
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,345
AH.
334
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,123
THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.
335
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:46,322
- ALEX, DO YOU KNOW WHERE
I PUT THE--
336
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:49,363
- YES? WHAT?
NO, I DIDN'T.
337
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,319
- WERE YOU GOING
THROUGH MY EMAILS?
338
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:52,428
- WELL, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SHOWERING.
339
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,289
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.
340
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,427
- OH, ME?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
341
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:56,932
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S DELIBERATELY
342
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,404
WASTING HOT WATER.
343
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:04,172
- DON'T EVEN TRY TO DO--YOU
KNOW I TAKE ICE-COLD SHOWERS.
344
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,674
DID YOU FIND
WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?
345
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:06,505
- OKAY, FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.
346
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:07,569
I WAS LOOKING THROUGH
YOUR EMAILS.
347
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,507
BUT I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW
IF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS
348
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:13,153
ARE MAKING FUN OF MY DONG.
349
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,480
THAT'S MY RIGHT.
350
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,224
- OKAY, BUT YOU ARE
THE ONE THAT SAID
351
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,049
THAT IT IS NEVER OKAY TO GO
THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EMAILS.
352
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,615
- NOW SHE'S LISTENING TO ME.
353
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,523
- OKAY, YOU COMPLETELY
VIOLATED MY PRIVACY.
354
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,715
- PRIV--SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE
ABOUT PRIVACY?
355
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,457
YOU JUST TOOK A PHOTO
OF YOURSELF
356
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:29,133
THAT WOULD MAKE
ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE BLUSH.
357
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,432
- OKAY, OKAY. FIRST OF ALL,
GREAT REFERENCE.
358
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,374
I APPRECIATE YOUR KNOWLEDGE
OF PHOTOGRAPHY
359
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,000
SINCE THAT IS MY PROFESSION.
360
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,595
SECOND OF ALL, I CAN'T--
THAT--JUST ADMIT
361
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,137
THAT IT WAS NOT COOL
THAT YOU DID THAT.
362
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,042
YOU'RE SO STUPID.
363
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,214
- SO I'M STUPID?
364
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:44,742
- YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
365
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:48,017
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE CRAZY.
366
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,062
- EXCUSE ME?
367
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,460
- YEAH, YOU HEARD ME.
I SAID YOU'RE CRAZY.
368
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,491
YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY,
YOUR CLOTHES ARE CRAZY,
369
00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:05,098
YOUR OPEN-TOED BOOTS
ARE CRAZY.
370
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:09,072
YOUR HAIR'S CRAZY,
YOUR LONG-ASS ARMS ARE CRAZY,
371
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,302
YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY.
372
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,437
EVERYTHING'S CRAZY.
CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY.
373
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,413
CRAZY!
374
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,754
- YOU ALREADY SAID
MY EYES ARE CRAZY.
375
00:16:19,779 --> 00:16:22,379
- YEAH?
WELL, YOU GOT TWO OF 'EM.
376
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:26,315
AND THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY.
377
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,763
I'LL PACK AN OVERNIGHT BAG.
378
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:34,294
- MARK?
379
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,495
MARK?
380
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,769
MARK!
381
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,440
- YOU ARE SUCH A WIMP.
382
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,770
THERE ARE NO SPIDERS
DOWN THERE.
383
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:48,644
- IS THAT WHAT
HE TOLD YOU TO SAY?
384
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:54,208
YAAAH!
385
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,088
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
386
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,290
YOU LOOK
COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.
387
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,758
SPIDERS ARE MORE AFRAID
OF PEOPLE
388
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,703
THAN PEOPLE ARE OF SPIDERS.
389
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:16,244
[shrieks]
390
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,109
- [shrieking]
391
00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:20,408
[both shrieking
and whooping]
392
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,440
- UHH! UHH!
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO.
393
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:27,406
Y-YOU'RE NOT HELPING.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING A MESS.
394
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,819
both: AAH!
395
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,819
- HE'S MAKING EYE CONTACT
WITH ME.
396
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:36,463
I MEAN, "EYES" CONTACT.
397
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,129
- GET THE GUN.
- WE HAVE A GUN?
398
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,489
- I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GUN.
399
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:43,827
- DON'T BE RACIST RIGHT NOW.
- IS THAT RACIST?
400
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:47,403
- WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO ASK,
IT PROBABLY IS.
401
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,135
- HEY.
402
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,410
WOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
403
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:55,339
- OH, LOOK.
A SPIDER.
404
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,475
[baby voice]
HE'S A BIG BOY.
405
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,181
- YOU LADIES DON'T MOVE.
406
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,513
I GOT THIS.
407
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,378
I'M JUST GONNA YELP
"EXTERMINATORS."
408
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:06,416
- WAIT, I'M A MEMBER
OF ANGIE'S LIST.
409
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:12,727
- I'M GONNA GO SET IT FREE.
410
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:17,659
HI, BUDDY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
411
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,467
IT'S SO TICKLY.
- [gasps]
412
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:23,369
[baby voice]
WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE SPIDER?
413
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,773
- HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
414
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:27,174
IT'S SO BIG AND SCARY.
415
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,737
- OH, WE'RE NOT AFRAID
OF ANYTHING.
416
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:33,475
- YEAH.
WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS.
417
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,253
- AH.
418
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,647
- HEY.
- HEY.
419
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:42,716
I'M GOING TO BED.
- GOOD NIGHT.
420
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:43,785
- NIGHT.
421
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:47,193
- IT'S 4:30.
422
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,457
- I'LL TAKE TYLENOL PM.
423
00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:52,566
- WE'RE ALL OUT
OF TYLENOL PM.
424
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,399
- I'LL EAT SOME TURKEY.
425
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,565
- WE BOTH AGREED
NO EATING IN THE BEDROOM
426
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:01,774
UNLESS WE'RE FILMING.
427
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,849
LOOK, WHIT, I SHOULDN'T
HAVE CALLED YOU CRAZY.
428
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,251
- NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
429
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,923
I KNOW CRAZY.
I COME FROM CRAZY, OKAY?
430
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,462
AND I AM NOT THAT.
I'M NOT THAT FOR YOU.
431
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,829
SO FOR YOU OF ALL PEOPLE
TO CALL ME THAT REALLY SUCKS.
432
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,429
IT INVALIDATES HOW HARD
I HAVE WORKED
433
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,361
TO NOT BE CRAZY,
SO THAT I WOULDN'T RUIN THIS.
434
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:26,367
- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO CALL ME STUPID.
435
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:27,899
- I NEVER CALLED YOU STUPID.
436
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,904
- YEAH, YOU DID. YOU CALLED ME
STUPID WITH THE EMAILS.
437
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,436
- I DID?
- YEAH.
438
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,482
AND LAST YEAR
WHEN WE WENT TO SEATTLE,
439
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,778
YOU CALLED ME STUPID 'CAUSE
I WANTED TO RENT AN S.U.V.
440
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,712
AND THEN A COUPLE MONTHS AGO,
WE WERE BOTH IN THE KITCHEN,
441
00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:44,378
YOU CALLED ME STUPID
WITH THE STOVE.
442
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,617
- I'M PRETTY SURE IN THE
KITCHEN, I CALLED YOU A MORON.
443
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:49,693
- NO, THAT I'M FINE WITH.
444
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,792
- THEN WHY AREN'T YOU FINE
WITH STUPID?
445
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,455
- LOOK, WHEN I WAS A KID,
446
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,397
I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE
IN SCHOOL.
447
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:01,732
AND MY BROTHER WAS IN
ALL THE ADVANCED CLASSES
448
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,668
AND ALWAYS
GOT STRAIGHT As.
449
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,543
AND MY MOM HAD TO TUTOR ME
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE DINNER.
450
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:10,343
AND MY BROTHER WOULD JUST
CONSTANTLY CALL ME STUPID.
451
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,407
AND MY DAD WOULD LAUGH.
452
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,578
- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
453
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:20,417
- YEAH, SO IT
JUST BOTHERS ME.
454
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,560
- I PROMISE NOT TO CALL YOU
STUPID ANYMORE.
455
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:29,303
FROM NOW ON,
456
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:32,469
I'LL ONLY THINK IT.
457
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:34,469
- YOU KNOW,
IT'S PRETTY COOL
458
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,301
WE CAN MAKE FUN
OF EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.
459
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:37,466
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
460
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,944
I DON'T THINK MOST COUPLES
CAN DO THAT.
461
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,541
- YEAH, BUT WE SHOULD
PROBABLY STAY AWAY
462
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,683
FROM THOSE PARTICULAR WORDS,
YOU KNOW.
463
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,280
SO HOW ABOUT INSTEAD
OF "STUPID,"
464
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,523
FROM NOW
ON I'LL CALL YOU...
465
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,378
- "GENIUS."
466
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:54,747
AND INSTEAD OF "CRAZY,"
I'LL CALL YOU...
467
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,617
- SOFIA VERGARA.
468
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:59,026
- [Spanish accent]
VERGARA.
469
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,498
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD
WE HAVE EACH OTHER.
470
00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:04,430
- ME TOO.
471
00:21:04,464 --> 00:21:08,774
'CAUSE NO ONE ELSE
WOULD HANG OUT WITH US.
472
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,001
- WHY NOT?
473
00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:14,836
- BECAUSE I'M CRAZY
AND YOU'RE...
474
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:16,784
A GENIUS.
32579
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