Original subtitles

People ask why I hang around with gangsters, bootleggers and killers.

I tell them, "For the laughs."

I'm Waldo Winchester of The New York Tribune.

Broadway's my beat.

For 20 years my column's been waking people up...

...better than their morning cup of coffee.

Who was seen at whose party last night, while his wife was out of town?

Stick with me and I'll tell you.

I'm always asked what's the most exciting night I've written about.

The answer is easy.

It was the night when thugs rubbed elbows with high society types.

And murders happened faster than you can count.

When crap games turned paupers into millionaires.

That night may be gone now, but there's still the memory.

New Year's Eve, 1928.

The last big blowout of the Jazz Age.

But who knew it then? Prohibition meant you couldn't get a drink...

...unless you knew a speakeasy like this one. Mizzoo's.

It was a badge of honor just knowing where it was.

Big bucks!

We'll get back to Mizzoo's later.

But our story begins somewhere else.

It begins at Mindy's infamous restaurant...

...where as luck would have it, our large cast of characters...

...all seem to have a reservation.

Here's Crunch Sweeney. The Brain's bodyguard.

The man in the scarf is The Brain himself

The biggest gambling operator on Broadway.

The other guy with him is called Regret...

...after the only horse he ever won a bet on.

Nice work, Basil.

Coming through. Hot plate. Make a hole here.

Naturally, The Brain had a lot of enemies...

...but he was generous to all his friends.

And tonight he was even buying dinner for a poor stranger in town...

...whose only remaining assets...

...were a pair of undernourished Georgia bloodhounds.

Crunch.

Excuse me, boss. Can I go sit with Maud?

Tell you what, Crunch. Sit with Maud.

- How was the track? - The ponies had it in for me.

I was beaten by three dirty noses in four heats running.

In all the years I know you, you must have been beaten by 10,000 noses.

It's now or never, gents.

- What is all this stuff? - Stick to the steaks.

Two dozen sirloins and a platter of matzos.

- How do you want them? - Quickly.

And bring me a string of them, you know, little weenies.

Wart hogs belong in Ringling's.

Watch it! Watch your back!

Who's that strangely shaped gentleman?

Oh, that is just Feet Samuels. A guy I consider no dice.

- Why not? - Well, he's always broke.

There's no percentage hanging around brokers.

- What are you talking about? - I'm sick and tired of it all.

I'm especially sick and tired of being broke.

The only thing that kept me from scragging myself yesterday...

...is the C-note I gotta pay The Brain today.

I don't want him going around saying I'm no good after I'm dead.

The toughest thing of all? I'm in love.

In love with who?

- Your date last night didn't pay. - So what?

So customers like you I don't need. Out!

- Take your hands off of me, Mindy. - Get out of here!

- I don't like your food anyway. - We don't like you either.

The nerve of some people.

Hortense Hathaway? I know her. She's nothing but a big--

Stop right there. Now I won't have you calling her a big baloney...

...or whatever else you're gonna call her, because I love her.

What does Hortense think about this?

She doesn't know, of course.

I'd rather scrag myself than live without her.

Move those violin cases out of the aisle.

I'm sorry. God!

That looks interesting.

Pickled herring. It's very good brain food.

Jack! Oh, Jack!

- Close personal friend, I see. - Yes.

- I saved you a table, Jack. - Christ, that's just what I need.

What's the problem?

The booze for MacKyle's bash was stolen. I'm bust if it don't show.

There's Lovey Lou. She's somebody I could drown my problems in.

Basil, fetch.

- But she's with Mizzoo. - She won't bite. Scat.

Out of the way! Kick off!

- So she thinks she's too good for me? - She's too good for her own good.

- Did you ask him if he's finished? - I read his mind, fat face.

I'd read yours too, only I don't see too good in the dark.

- Beautiful evening, ain't it? - You're doing well.

Yes, indeed. Two hot feet, one Limburger handshake...

...and the night is still young. Nobody is safe from Hotfoot Harry.

There's a pair of virgin feet in this very room.

The last guy who tried that ended up in Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx.

The Brain is definitely exempt.

I'm having a little party tonight. It's the usual stakes, Waldo.

Thanks, Johnny. I just might.

- I'll see you there. - What time?

A very small gathering, Feet. Barely enough room for the dice.

Feet was the most notoriously honorable guy in town.

Where did he suddenly get all that dough?

Water for The Brain’s table.

Paradise Garage, 9:00.

- Hey, what the hell are these? - Customers.

- What do you think this is? - A joint for people who like dog food?

- Why you, I ought to-- - Here they are.

Never mind, never mind. Just don't bring any Shetland ponies here.

Out of my way.

In the meantime, this weasel is keeping his beady eye...

...on The Brain, waiting for night to fall.

- This dog is a bottomless pit. - Yes, sir, especially for weenies.

I guess they love little weenies more than anything in this world.

Well, well, Lovey Lou. Isn't this a sweet...

The guy trying to chat up Lovey Lou is Marvin Clay...

...who's as rich as he is repulsive.

- Wangle, it was nice meeting you. - Marvin, not now.

- Take the dogs for a walk. - Not ever.

- Come on, boys. Come on. - He's got a slave bracelet.

What's Clay doing, sitting with Lovey Lou?

- That's disgusting. - Are you talking again?

Well, not yet. You know, she's still pretty sored up at me.

You too good for my money, Lovey Lou? I know you want it.

Sored up or not...

I'd sooner eat a tick.

...I don't like that octopus glomming all over her.

Evening, Maud.

I have to get my hair curled and my nails polished. So I'll see you at 8.

- Okay, Maud. - Look at you.

Be sure to mow your chin, huh? And do not, do not, do not be late.

Crunch.

What's the matter, Lovey Lou?

How about a spin around the park for old times' sake?

Please, leave me alone. I'm just waiting for my sister.

The car's running.

Evening, Lovey Lou. Is this blister bothering you?

Beat it, lounge louse.

Oh, did you get the night off?

If you gentlemen don't mind, I'm waiting for someone.

Listen, speck, I'll give you two seconds to evaporate.

Still hurts, doesn't it?

I don't know what you're talking about.

We all saw you out front with your clampers all over Lovey's sister.

You pig! it's not enough you tried to ruin me!

- Get your hands off me! - You stink on ice, rat boy.

I'll kill you, you no-good frogged-up Murphy.

Not if I see you first, you over-pumped nickel nurser.

Hey, what does this look like? I ain't Madison Square Garden.

How could an ancient wheeze-bag like you expect to make time...

...with demitasses like Honey and Lovey?

- If you two got business to transact... - Do you know who I am?!

I'll show you the leather right now, you phonus balonus.

Come on! Try crossing my path, you son of a track layer, and I'll kill you.

- Take the breeze, you bums. - I'll cut you, bastard!

I've got customers who are trying to enjoy their delicacies.

Family life.

Come on, Lovey. Don't barbecue your brains over that boll weevil.

That Marvin's evil.

Well, forget him. At least you know Regret's in your corner.

- Ladies, your coats. - Yeah, Mizzoo.

Did you see him fight for me? He must feel something, right?

Well, sure he does.

Jack, I have to run.

Make sure the champagne will arrive on time.

It always does.

Did you see the way she looked at me?

Even society dames is red hot for me.

- Evening, Brain. Crunch. - Evening, Feet.

I have the hundred that you loaned me.

Plus five percent interest and 10 percent interest.

Nice timing.

Good to see you so happy, Brain.

What's not to be happy about? It's New Year's Eve.

- Flowers, sir? - No thanks.

Flowers?

Peel me a finner.

For me? Thanks.

Hot food! Hot stuff! Watch your back!

- What's your name, sunshine? - Mary.

Here you go, boss.

They're only a nickel, sir. I don't have change for that much money.

Keep the change. Happy New Year.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

God bless you, sir.

My God! I gave Doris 10 grand last night.

She didn't make half the fuss over it that this doll does.

Maybe the flower doll needs a pound note...

...more than Doris needs 10 G's.

Yeah, and of course, Doris...

Doris gives me more than a flower, and God bless.

With all due respect, Brain.

The overhead on Doris Clare alone is enough to drive an ordinary guy daffy.

And I hear she's almost frugal compared to your other girlfriends.

- Not to mention your ever-loving wife. -It's not bad.

The maintenance is not more than 300 grand a year.

Think of the benefits. I don't know another citizen anywhere...

...who's got so many places to go home to.

And that comes in pretty handy when certain annoying individuals...

...want to fool around with me.

Homer Swing sends greetings for the New Year from Brooklyn.

Take the knife.

- We better get you to a hospital, Brain. - No.

I want to keep this quiet. Take me home.

Which home?

Drive.

- One of my best customers. - They cut him in two.

It was incredible.

The Brooklyn operators tried to seize power on New Year's Eve.

It was the first such assault in Mindy's history...

...and the news spread faster than a common cold.

I'm telling you guys. It was a stabbing, not a shooting.

- An expert! -Inspector McNamara.

I think I found me a date for this evening. Come along, son.

Thanks for the invite, but I don't care to accompany coppers as a rule.

It arouses criticism from the other citizens.

Let's go.

But, inspector, where are we going? It happened back there.

Sure, sure. Why don't you tell me what you know?

Keep him nice. I'll be back in a deuce.

Good evening, Charlotte.

I'm an associate of your husband. May I come in?

Look, gimpy, I ain't got all night. What's the dodge?

I'm afraid the Brain meets with an incident at Mindy's.

He's all shivved up in a hack downstairs.

Where should we put him?

In a hospital, of course. I'm entertaining very important people.

Tell him I'll visit him tomorrow and bring him some broth.

How long has he been dead, Doc?

Oh, Bodeeker!

Who let him in?

He's the only croaker I found on New Year's Eve.

It's 10 years since he's allowed to practice.

I figured since he used to be a sawbones...

...and since Marvin Clay used to be alive, then it would be okay.

Marvin Clay!

And who did you expect?

Why, I just saw him tearing up a grate at Mindy's.

He seemed right as rain then.

What caused that nasty stain on his shirt, Bodeeker?

Seems a bullet got into his body somehow.

Any clues, McGinty?

Nothing. No prints, no tracks, no nothing.

In that case, arrest everybody in sight.

Inspector, there's a guy in from Georgia with a pair of bloodhounds.

Maybe they can help track down the rascal who shot Marvin Clay.

Quick thinking, Basil.

Okay, so it's only 8:00...

...and the Brain and Marvin Clay have already met with disaster.

Your wife ain't home at present.

Try Cynthia Harris.

Greenwich Village.

What's going on back there? This is a hack, not a hearse.

Just drive.

I can't believe Homer Swing put a hit out on The Brain.

Don't worry about The Brain. He'll be laughing about this tomorrow.

- Sorry, gents. We're full up right now. - I never heard of such a thing.

What kind of a second-rate operation you running?

Have a heart, Waldo. We're already contravening the fire regulations.

What was that?

Come on in, gents, and welcome.

Bets down, gents. Cover. Cover the bets.

A little lesson in the art of shooting crap.

I like to whisper to the dice. Get to know them a little.

Roll them, Waldo.

The underhand toss. The flick of the wrist and...

So much for the scientific approach.

Four hundred's the bet to cover this bet.

- Here you go, old Feet. - Two hundred dollars.

Feet favors one hand, and blows right before he throws.

Give me that natural.

That's what I'm talking about.

This one's for Hortense. Come on.

He also likes to pray to those bones...

...and tonight luck is suddenly on his side.

Unbelievable.

Will you give somebody else a chance?

- Hey, Regret. - Hey, anybody else?

Waldo, who's got the dice?

He won them.

- A little present for you, Regret. - Yeah?

Cleaned us out.

Let's head over to Park Avenue for some giggle soup.

That MacKyle dump ought to be popping by now.

Maybe I'll meet you over there later.

- Hey, I hear Hortense is there, Feet. - Hortense?

Well, that changes the odds. You coming, Waldo?

No, I gotta file my column with the morning blat.

You really outdid yourself tonight.

Thanks, Waldo. You've always been square with me.

Remember what I told you about Hortense.

Hallelujah, amen, brothers and sisters!

I'm gonna leave you with this New Year's message.

If Jesus was alive today, he'd be dressed just like me.

Feet, my boy, this looks like the start of a winning streak.

We could make a nice pile at the Grub Stakes derby tomorrow.

Just come with me to Bookie Brillstein's.

I'd like to, Regret, but I won't be around.

What's more important than a hot tip? Where will you be?

Dead.

Dead?

- What are you talking about? - I'm scragging myself tonight.

Scrag yourself? I don't get the joke.

I've been broke since day one. It can wear on a guy.

So?

I remembered that croakers buy bodies to practice on...

...and I find this doctor who wishes to buy mine.

- This doesn't sound legitimate. -It's very legitimate!

He pays me four C's because he's looked for feet like mine for years.

This is gruesome. How does he know you'll deliver?

Everybody knows I pay what I owe. I gave The Brain as a reference.

- And he insists on delivery tonight? - Oh, yeah.

He's a shark on feet.

Excuse me a minute, Regret. I'll be right back.

- What's this, a joke? - I'm telling you, they're bloodhounds.

Yes, sir. They is the best man trackers north of Atlantic.

They'd better be. We got a murder.

Murders is their favorite things to track.

- Then let's go. - Come on, boys, we got a job.

You're probably wondering what a parrot has to do with all this.

Trust me. That's Polly, Harriet MacKyle's best friend.

Polly's seen a lot.

But nothing compared to the greats and ingrates Harriet's got tonight.

Your coat, sir.

- Has Hortense Hathaway arrived yet? - I'm sure I wouldn't know.

Dumb people.

Happy New Year, friends, and welcome.

I'm Miss MacKyle. My friends call me Harriet.

Call me Regret. And this is Feet Samuels.

Any relation to the coal Samuels of Kentucky?

Thank you.

Feet's got no known relations.

May I show you to the bar?

- What business are you in? - Monkeys.

Excuse me, Mr. Regret.

- Harriet, meet my friend, Mr. Career. - Mr. Career?

Bartender.

Regret...

Soupy Mike, as I live and breathe.

It is a long time since I see you in the company of such swells.

How did you get out?

Well, I've been a very good boy this year, Regret.

So Santy Claus snuck me the most useful gift that I ever saw.

- Ain't they special? - Lovely.

Who drops this ice off on you, honey?

This geezer who comes into the club once or twice a week...

...asking me to marry him. I take the presents.

And not the proposition?

He's a 90-year-old nut job. I gotta play him the chill.

- You seen a blower in this dump? - Yeah. Right here.

Operator, get me the Tribune.

- What are you following me for? - Yeah, I know it's late. So what?

- Winchester. - Waldo, we need to talk.

Feet just bought a bottle of rat poison.

- He bought what? - Rat poison!

He's serious, Waldo. You're the only one he'll listen to.

You know how he is when he gets an idea.

If I try to talk him out of it he'll swallow it faster.

What a night this is turning into.

- Is Hortense there? - Yeah.

Good. Well, I'll be by and talk to her.

- All right, make it snappy. - Just as soon as I finish punctuating.

Jesus Christ.

Marvin Clay's death wouldn't leave too big a hole in anybody's heart...

...but could someone have hated him enough to murder him?

And might that someone be the horse player...

...who had already socked him in Mindy's?

Watch out, now! They're getting the scent.

It doesn't take a Dick Tracy to figure it out.

I hope Doc Frischer can do a quick patch job on The Brain.

I saved him a pair of ducats for the fight tomorrow.

The Brain never misses a Smash Maclntyre bout.

Are they good seats?

Of course. You know what the Brain means to me.

What a world.

The guys with the yachts are sharks, everyone else has holes in their shoes.

- Happy New Year, Feet. - Happy New Year, Mizzoo.

Well, don't stand there like the Statue of Liberty.

Swim on over and take a load off your boats.

I see you brought your jingle bells.

Well, I suppose I could survive another glass of Jack's champagne.

- Anybody else? - No, thanks. I'm fine.

Sure is a swell supply of swells out there.

Yeah.

What I wouldn't give to live in a flop like this.

I wish I could give it to you, Hortie.

I wish someone would.

Here, Hortie.

I brung you this.

- Can I buy you a drink? - No, you may not.

They're free, Regret.

I know, I know. I was just being polite.

A polite man calls a girl after he spends the night with her.

It's customary.

Yeah, I know. I meant to be customary but my aunt...

...she all of a sudden took sick in Hialeah. What could I do?

What was your aunt suffering from, a dirty nose?

All right, all right. The sick aunt, forget.

I was betting the ponies, but I did it all for you. I wanted to buy you a hat.

You see, I had 5-to-1 on Sleepwalk in the first and she comes in pretty.

So I figure, let's go for a dress and a pair of shoes to match.

I sit out the second, knowing I got a sure thing...

...on Coffee and Cigarettes in the third.

And these.

And this.

She explodes at the gate and soon she's 10 lengths ahead of the pack.

The jocks are choking on her dust...

...and I can see you standing in front of me, all dolled up.

God, you're beautiful.

Suddenly, Uppity Up comes with her tail on fire.

She's gaining by the yard, and there goes the hat, there go the shoes.

She comes in ahead by a dirty nose.

And you're standing naked in front of the world with tears in your eyes.

I've never been so ashamed.

Lovey Lou, can you ever forgive me?

Not this year.

Women...

You cannot live with them. You cannot haul off and shoot them.

Amen.

Excuse me, dreamboat.

Looks like Hortense changes her tune about you.

Gracious! Lovely, just lovely!

Oh, Lord, I hope he didn't steal these.

No, it's not hot ice. He won it in a crap game.

I'm sorry, ladies, have you met Hortense?

Where is it written that you have to shower a girl...

...with diamonds to make her love you?

Feet, for one, believed it.

Which is why he and Regret decided to press their luck...

...at Minnie the Shrimp's poker parlor.

The last person they expected to see there was Big Shelley...

...who always brought his own cards and his own rules.

How many, Feet?

All of them.

One.

I now bet the other half.

And for this half, the wild cards are nines and fives...

...the man with the ax.

This may be a choice moment to start a losing streak.

I fold, Big Shelley.

Nobody folds on Big Shelley.

Now bet the other half.

Show!

Good night, Big Shelley!

- Your coat, sir? - What about it?

Uncle Waldo.

Hortie, if you love Feet...

...you'll tell him tonight, or you'll be sorry you didn't for a long, long time.

What's this all about, Uncle Waldo?

You do love him, don't you?

Well, suppose I do. What's that got to do with it?

Let's just say that the guy is lousy in love with you.

- He is? - Yeah.

And if you don't let him know how you feel, he could jump ship, or worse.

I'm serious, Hortie. Get him through the night.

Mr. Winchester, it's an honor.

Promise me you'll only write nice things about us.

How thrilling it must be to be around these marvelous types every night.

- And such nicknames! - Honey, you don't know the half of it.

You must tell me all about your different friends...

...so I can tell my other guests. They'll be thrilled to death...

-...to meet these bad characters. - Oh, yes, yes.

Well, you see that little man standing there? The one that's staring at you.

That is nobody but Bad Basil Valentine.

Now, he may look harmless...

...but Bad Basil can scarcely sleep any night he doesn't kill somebody.

My goodness! He doesn't look too bad at first glance.

Although now that I examine him a little closely...

...I believe I do detect a sinister gleam in his eye.

Mr. Valentine, I've heard so much about you.

Tell me everything, and don't be bashful.

Do you think it's safe to unleash this femme fatale on poor Basil?

Well, I think poor Basil deserves a little fun too, don't you?

- Tell me more. - That ain't the half of it.

Just last week I was up in Chicago on a pleasure trip...

...when six of Scarf ace's boys asked me for the time.

- What on earth did you do? - I plugged them, of course.

- All of them? How thrilling. - Sure.

I can't go back there for a while.

They got the city sealed up tighter than a two-dollar drum.

I can't even take my girl out now.

Feet's got the ring I was supposed to hand to her.

She won't schtupp me till we're engaged...

...so I borrowed it from my mother, but she expects it back tomorrow.

She's gonna kill me. They both are.

That Feet, he's unbelievable, huh? How did he do it?

- Scragger's luck. - Oh, the law!

Now it does look like these hapless hounds are after our friend, Regret.

Why else would they follow him through here?

- Not here either. - No, sir.

But they's hot on the trail now.

You must see me in East Hampton. We'll be alone except for the servants.

- You don't say. - I certainly do.

- You shouldn't have. - Hi, Hortense.

- Can I speak to you for a second? - Feet, where'd you go?

Me and Regret gave Minnie the Shrimp's game a New Year's go...

-...and I didn't do half bad. Dance? - Sure.

Get a job.

- Get a job! Get a job! -It's you.

Brought you something.

Feet.

Nobody ever gives me so many wonderful things all at once in my life.

Feet, there's something I never told you.

I have to get to the club. But I'm off at dawn.

Promise you'll meet me then?

Hey, hey, hey, pace yourself, son. It's not even midnight.

Midnight?

- Oh, no. - What's wrong?

Waldo, you know something about the law.

I've had experience in the matter, round and about.

- Waldo, I'm in a very hot spot. - What are you worried about?

You got plenty of dough, the whole night before Doc forecloses on you.

Then you heard?

That's just it. See, now that I have all this dough...

...things don't look as tough as they did before.

I'm sorry that I made that deal with the doctor, on account of Hortense.

I think she's really beginning to like me.

Just go to old whiskers...

...give him his dough back, and tell him you changed your mind.

Of course. it's so simple.

Now that I'm loaded, I can repurchase my life...

...and have plenty of potatoes left over to keep Hortense interested.

- Thank God. - Done and done. I'm off to the blat.

I'm prepared to pay you double what you gave me.

- Here, take-- Take 800 simoleons. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Your feet are most urgently needed for an experiment tomorrow afternoon.

- Well, then we'll make it 1200. Here. - Oh, no.

That's more than a hundred fish a toe. Come on--

That wouldn't begin to make up for the time we'd lose. I must have your body.

This is my final offer, Bodeeker.

Four times what you gave me.

No! Get out of here! Now!

Have you seen that no-account fiancé of mine?

Which one might that be, Miss Maud?

Don't crack wise at me, Soupy Mike.

I am not in the mood for any of you.

Imagine, standing me up on New Year's Eve.

- He stood you up? - Yeah.

If Crunch Sweeney wasn't enormous, I'd call him a goob, or worse.

- You said it. - No, I did not.

But let's have a dance on the subject.

You won't know it to look at me, but tonight I suffer a similar humiliation.

Shall we?

As the trail of Marvin Clay's killer grew hotter...

...things were getting distinctly chilly for The Brain.

- Sam, he's lost a lot of blood. - There's a hospital around the corner.

- Shut up. We tell you where to go. - Just look straight ahead and drive.

It's a terrible thing to be alone on New Year's Eve.

That no-good louse.

It's especially humiliating to be alone in public...

...where everybody can see you.

I never thought of it that way, but you're right.

Sure!

You know, since the two of us are both alone in this terrible situation...

...why don't we go back to your place where we can be alone, alone.

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Let's get out of here.

The big lug.

Lovey Lou, and a happy to you.

Better mingle. I'm saving myself for our hostess tonight.

Good for you, Jack.

Don't worry, little sister. You'll get your turn later.

I've just been stepped on.

Louie Lung lunges for the rod. I know it's now or never.

Miss MacKyle, a lovely soiree you have perpetrated tonight--

- What the hell? - Would you be a dear?

You were saying, Basil?

Fetching drinks for Basil, Jack?

Tough guy.

The usual?

Jack, here he comes!

Hit him.

Come on. Anything's safer than a Park Avenue party.

Some men conduct themselves like animals.

Boys will be beasts.

But at least somebody around here has a little zing.

Very nice shot.

You didn't kill him, but he ain't gonna have any babies.

You know what they say about men with little mustaches.

Oh, no. What's wrong, silver slippers?

- Regret. - Not the jealous type.

- He left with Maud. - Skunk.

- I'm gonna forget him. - Can you?

Come on. it's almost showtime. Let's get out of here.

This place has a curse on it.

Oh, she's beautiful, Brain. All your dolls are.

- I beg your pardon, but the Brain-- - Blow off, dwarf.

I ain't a dwarf.

As the rest of the city stood ready to shout in the New Year...

...Feet sat alone with Old Man Trouble.

His story might have ended right here...

...if he hadn't remembered his promise to meet Hortie at Mizzoo's.

There's something about midnight on New Year's Eve...

...that makes you sit up and think about things.

Maybe because where you are at that moment...

...says a lot about where you might end up someday.

I just want to go home.

Thanks again for joining us at our New Year's party in Times Square...

...where there are over 3000 people...

...awaiting the countdown to the end of 1928, just moments away now.

Ten, nine...

...eight, seven...

...six, five...

Happy New Year!

Hello, sweet meat. Sorry to keep you waiting.

- You didn't. - Hello, beautiful! Hello, beautiful!

It's quite a spread. When do I get the tour?

Come back here. Talk to me.

I wouldn't talk to you with somebody else's mouth. And don't follow me.

Hello, you fool! Hello, you fool!

Polly!

I think he shot the Polly.

- I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a bird. - Didn't realize?

This parrot was worth more than you, you cheap guttersnipe!

You're nothing but a murderous bully...

...taking target practice at an unarmed bird!

Don't say nothing. This is a grave social error.

Find me the beak, Basil.

Kill him, Basil.

- Kill him? - Oh, be a dear.

What's one more murder for you, when it would mean so much to me?

Maud! Oh, no!

I was supposed to meet her hours ago.

I'm as dead as you get! She's above all batty when it comes to time!

Don't worry. Bobby Baker will take The Brain.

Just to be sure, let's bring him in.

Let me try.

Hello, Bobby.

As you can see, it's not a very good evening.

The Brain was somewhat inconvenienced a few hours ago...

...and his last words before he stops speaking are:

-"Take me to my Bobby." - Go away, Sam.

- No, you gotta let-- - I'll call the cops...

...and you might be arrested on the suspicion...

...that you know how he got hurt.

Hey! Wait! Wait!

So it's almost 2 a.m...

...and the only thing that can be said for The Brain is, he's well-dressed.

Meanwhile, the rest of us found ourselves at Mizzoo's.

Told you I'd get us back here, didn't I?

And just in time for the floor show.

- Was I terrible? - No, you have a nice little voice.

Do you always carry weenies with you?

All kinds of shite. I can't find it.

Relax. You can be seen in public without a spat.

We're not discussing sartorial matters here. We're talking about my life.

- What's the big deal? - What's the big deal?

If Crunch Sweeney finds the spat, and realizes it is not his spat...

...and connects it to another spat, which happens to be mine, I'm dead.

Oh, Regret, you are such a child.

All right. Let's see.

I'm saved. Am I gonna see you at the club, Maud?

Move from this room? No, thank you.

I will quietly wait here for my beloved Crunch Sweeney...

...then gently murder him in his sleep.

Oh, Feet, are you okay?

Look at you. We'll go back to your place when I get off, all right?

Hortense, I don't know if I can make it.

You see, I have this deal...

-...and, well... - Who is she?

- No, it's not what you think. - I've been around the block...

...a few times and I heard every line in the book. You're not playing fair.

Sorry, I didn't mean to blow your ears off.

But I got footprints all over my back from every heel I've been out with.

Oh, Hortie.

Everything I've done tonight, I did it with you in mind.

Oh, I know you did.

So don't go getting cold feet.

If you're half as stuck on me as I am on you, you'll be here at dawn.

Hortie. Hortie, we're on.

You got lipstick all over your cheek, pally.

Say, did I miss her number? Whoa, friend, where you going?

Regret, I'm going to welsh for the first time in my life.

Knew you had it in you.

Havanas, cigarettes, havanas. It's been forever, Regret.

- Love that new scent, Yvette. - You gave it to me, remember?

Sure I do. Say, did Lovey Lou go on yet?

You just missed her. She's in the back.

Thanks, beautiful.

What are you doing out here in the cold?

Enjoying the scenery.

Isn't Palm Beach lovely this time of year?

Go away, Regret.

Hey, give me a chance to explain.

If your excuses were snowflakes, we'd be digging out till Easter.

I saw you hop off with Maud.

And I can smell her perfume on you now.

You're a child, Regret...

...and I guess I was too. But that doesn't matter anymore.

I won't grow wrinkles waiting for you to realize we were good for each other.

You'll figure it out too late, when I'm married to some stockbroker.

If you wanted to make me feel cheap and scuffed, you've done a swell job.

But it's too late.

Now I am cold.

Goodbye.

- Oh, it's you. - You know this guy?

Of course.

It's the gentleman who gave me five dollars for my flowers earlier.

What's the matter?

Nothing much except if we don't get him somewhere soon he will croak.

- Bring him into my house. - Cold.

- Come on, Brain. -It's warm inside.

You can rest there till you get help.

I got you, boss.

Hold on, lady...

...is there a phone here?

There's one outside the pharmacy, if you'd like to come with me.

- Swiss cheese on rye. - Hold the mustard?

Miss MacKyle is very, very, very angry about you shooting Polly.

She hates you because Polly is a family heirloom.

Tell her I'll apologize and I'll buy her a new bird when I get the price.

Well, I don't think a new bird'll do it, Jack.

She's after me to shoot you.

Jack, somewhere she gets the idea that I'm a very tough guy.

Nate, you believe this?

She says if I don't shoot you, she won't love me...

...and I greatly wish to have her love me, because I'm daffy about her.

So...

...I'm wondering how much it would take to hold still and let me shoot you.

Basil, you must be screwy.

I don't mean to really shoot you.

I mean to shoot with a blank, so Miss MacKyle will think I am shooting you.

It will make her very grateful to me...

...and all you have to do is play dead, then lay low until after we are married.

I'm thinking maybe I can pay you 1000 bones for such a job.

Why, your proposition sounds very reasonable, at that...

...but better make it two large while you're at it.

- Two grand? - Take it or leave.

Well.

I don't care where they are, get Doc Frischer and Hymie Weisberger to--

Hang on.

327 West 47th Street. It's a matter of life and death.

The Brain’s life and death.

So, what's with the midget in the bed?

That's my son, Joey. He's been very sick.

Doc...

...I know that under many circumstances...

...you are a reasonable man.

And I insist-- No, wait a minute. It may ruin my reputation.

Any experienced welsher would just blow town.

But this was new to Feet. It was gonna take some work.

- Let's get out of here. - Let's get out. Come on.

Doc. Doc.

This may ruin my reputation, but I insist that you call off this deal.

I'm in love with the doll of my dreams and it'd be difficult...

...to have a relationship if I'm dead. That's it, appeal to his romantic side.

Crunch?

- Whatever--? - So!

Scram. Scram.

These dogs are tracking the gopher that iced Marvin Clay.

- They led us right here. - Well, I don't know anything about it.

You realize you could be an accessory to murder?

If I tell you who was here, I'd cause a murder.

Are you coming, sir? Those dogs are halfway out of the door.

We're real close now.

And Handsome Jack agrees to the proposition.

So it was all a joke.

Sure I will lend you my gun. For a fin.

And it's got to be filled with blanks.

Of course. That will also cost you another fin.

They're upstairs.

Will you show me how to use the gun?

Oh, it's a cinch. I learned to shoot before I could talk.

- This may ruin my reputation. - No!

You miserable welsher.

Come back here, you. I'll get you. You welsher!

The flower doll.

Save your strength. The doctor will be here soon.

Hello, kid.

Excuse me, sir. I'll make you some tea.

What's wrong with the kid?

I don't know, but she said you saved his life.

- How? - She said you gave her a fin...

...and she used it to buy medicine.

But I don't know that it works.

He has not moved an inch since we got here.

Here, sir.

Sip a little.

Mama?

Joey.

Joey.

- Who's the lug? - Hush, Joey.

- This is Mr. Brain. - The Brain? Here?

I'm a very big fan.

Come on in, doc. He's back here.

- Hi, Hymie. - Keeping out of trouble?

Come in the kitchen, Joey, I'll get you some soup.

Yeah, come on, kid.

Doc.

Okay, Brain...

...let's have a look.

Evening, judge. You're looking well-fed.

Morning, Mizzoo.

One hot foot and you're out on your ear.

Who, me?

What'll you have?

Oh, get this, Waldo, an aviary assassination.

I don't know, a dead bird.

A dead bird.

There's Mizzoo telling everything she knows.

Yeah, which is very often before it happens.

Well, she's in for a big surprise tonight. Look who's here.

The ice man cometh.

Handsome Jack Madigan...

...your time has come.

Oh, you bastard.

It can't be loaded.

Holy moly mother of Mary, Jesus Christ on a crooked crutch.

You got enough slugs to sink a tugboat. Where'd you get this?

- Red Henry. - Red Henry!

Don't let her go. I love this girl.

Let her live, and I swear...

...I'll never play the ponies again.

And keep you paws off Maud?

I never believed he'd take me seriously.

I didn't mean for him to really shoot anyone.

Although I do appreciate your thoughtfulness, pumpkin.

I guess I'm not accustomed to dealing with characters as tough as Basil here.

Oh, this is a pickle.

It may even cause some gossip, which could reach the authorities...

...and perhaps even the papers.

Think of it: "Harriet MacKyle, gun moll!"

Basil.

Mizzoo...

...I don't know how this happened.

Red Henry pulled a switch on you, tough guy.

He's angry about Handsome Jack slugging him tonight...

...and he used you to play this little trick on him.

I am such a chump.

What if she croaks?

Don't be ridiculous.

Look, she's been bit deeper by skeeters.

But firecrackers attract coppers. You'd better hide back in the dressing room.

Go on.

Okay, now bring on the swings!

The guy that did this to you was something of an expert.

Your bout with Dempsey is off for a couple of weeks.

Doctor's orders.

And no laughing either.

Think of my stitch work.

Okay, doc.

Now give me a few minutes alone with Hymie.

It's not good.

Stop, you welsher!

A crazy man's chasing me with a meat cleaver.

What the--?

That's the daffy guy who gives me all the bracelets.

Who, Doc Bodeeker?

- He's the guy I sold my body to. - You what?

I am miserable in love with you, Hortie, and I knew I didn't stand a chance...

...so I sold my body to get a little dough...

...to show you a good time before I died.

I love you, Feet.

You're the only guy who ever hocked his body for me.

All right, all right, you goofs!

What, ain't you never seen true love before?

Well, let's see here.

Since you're so starved for entertainment...

...Mizzoo's gonna give it to you.

You like it hot?

You like it nasty?

- Hey, it's those dogs. - Get them off me.

- All right, all right. - Don't let them devour me, I'll confess.

- There you go. - I don't want anyone leaving here.

End of the trail.

Arrest this guy.

- What for? - Marvin Clay.

- He hit me first. - Doesn't give you the right to kill him.

- They're here for me? - Don't let them take you alive.

Cork it, Basil, they're after a real killer.

Now, what's going on here?

I shot Marvin Clay.

He's a pig.

He's not satisfied with what he tried on me two years ago...

...and tries his deviltry on my baby sister.

- How do you know? - Regret told me.

So I shoot him and I hope he's dead and gone where he belongs.

I won't give you any argument as to where Marvin Clay belongs.

But you skip out of here. Go on home.

You all go home.

Yes, dear. It's getting very hot in here.

The boat to England leaves at noon.

And there's always first-class passage available.

Let's take it on the lam to the Riviera for a while.

Good idea.

I'm not leaving Regret.

Listen, the dogs was just after the weenies.

- I had nothing to do with it. - Book him.

- Marvin Clay! You're dead! -It's news to me.

The croaker diagnoses you.

The diagnosis was a canard.

Had to be. You're too fat to be a ghost.

Looks like we have to change the charge to attempted murder.

As much as I hate to see this scum go free, it wasn't Regret.

For the love of God, who was it then?

I'm not saying.

I do not wish to press charges.

Get out your pad, Hymie.

Now...

...let's put our minds to the future.

Good morning, Doc. Buy you a drink?

Don't Hortense looked sparked?

She's in love, which ain't always the disaster it's cracked up to be.

Something tells me she's dragging him straight to the altar.

That's a big step.

Don't look too disabling.

No, it doesn't.

I lay you even odds we can beat them to the chapel by a dirty nose.

That's my cue.

Okay, suckers, take it from the top!

Watch this.

Hortie, every night in my one little room...

...I dream of you looking swell in all these glittering things.

I almost forgot.

And this is only the start.

Maybe I can get you rubies and emeralds...

...and maybe even a fur coat so that you don't catch cold.

I don't need any of those uptown geegaws, Feet.

I'm no showroom dummy.

Are you okay, Hortie?

Yeah, but what am I gonna do with all these things?

You can't plant this stuff.

They don't make little babies.

Let's hock them for a quarter acre in Newark, and municipal bonds.

I want to hear the patter of little Feet.

Oh, Hortie.

Oh, that sounds perfect.

Can we raise chickens too?

We can raise whatever your little heart desires, Hortie, dear.

Feety, I can't wait.

I know a 24-hour chapel in Hackensack...

...where you don't need a blood test.

Have we met?

I outdid myself tonight.

The Brain is dead.

The Brain, dead?

- Where? - Over at the flower doll's.

She's the only one that would take him in all shivved up.

She hardly even knows him, but she has a big heart.

She's also very rich now.

The Brain leaves her all his dough.

Sorry, Mizzoo.

Go on with your song.

Brain...

...this one's for you.

Come on, boys.

It was the start of a new year.

But I couldn't help thinking that it was the end of an era.

Anybody seen Maud tonight?

Not since the MacKyle bash.

Waldo, see to it that Lovey Lou gets home okay.

Where are you going?

A minute ago you looked like you were headed for the hitching post.

I have a little problem with Crunch Sweeney, which may require travel.

Crunch Sweeney? What's he to you?

Nothing. And I'd like it to stay that way.

He may hear the bloodhounds tracking through Maud's tonight.

And I'd rather not be around when he gets the wrong idea.

If I were you, I'd want Lovey Lou along for the ride.

Good night, Crunch.

Yes, it was one hell of a night.

Some fancy French writer once said:

"The only true paradises are the ones we've lost."

Well, that seems true, in part.

Broadway, 1928, is surely a thing of the past now.

But love defies the odds, and from everything I hear...

...Regret and Lovey Lou, Hortie and Feet...

...and even Basil and Harriet...

...are still enjoying their own little pieces of paradise.