All language subtitles for Traffic Light s01e04 Credit Balance.eng

(sing-songy): Guess who
just gave blood

because I'm better
than you.

Was it you, Kevin?

Yes, Sasquatch,
it was.

There are a lot of sides
to Kev

you don't know anything about.

Did you know that I have
baby veins? What?

Yeah. So they couldn't take it
out of my arm.

They actually took it
out of right here. They had to.

It's so embarrassing.

Yeah, you got some
snug trousers...

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

It's quite a sacrifice.

Yeah,
it was a sacrifice,

which is why I stole a whole
sleeve of cookies.

In your face,
Red Cross!

Those are yours.

Now I did you a favor,
you can do me a favor.

A cookie is not a favor.
Sure, it is.

Listen, the word has come down
from up top

that we have
to class up the magazine.

They said go down there,
squeeze the dweeb,

see what sort of
highbrow stuff shoots out.

So I'm squeezing
the dweeb.

No, don't actually...
All right, all right!

What do you got?!
I got an idea. I got an idea.

There's a book festival.

Jonathan Franzen is
coming down there... (snoring)

(snoring continues)
He's a...

Right.

Um... I heard about
this thing on NPR...

(retches)
God, I hate it when you do that. There's a, um....

Okay, here's an idea.

Prince Harry-- he's in town.

Check it...
Wait a second, did you get me an interview?

No. Get yourself the interview.

You do it, you
get to keep the cookie,

which is a metaphor
for your job.

A metaphor's like a simile
without the word "like."

I went to ninth grade.

(whispers):
Hey, baby.

Babe?

(loudly):
Mike?

Mike?

(sputters)

(groans)
Hi!

Good morning, sleepyhead.
You up?

I guess.

(panting)

Did you just
get back from your run?

Mm-hmm.

(whispering): Five miles
with the jogging stroller.

A personal record.

(whispering):
Why are we whispering?

Is that 'cause Tommy's
down for a nap?

Because Tommy's down
for a nap.

Do you have time to do
your wife a little favor?

Oh, I will make the time.

(laughs)

I have to be at work early
all next week.

Can you take the morning shift
for a couple days?

You mean the one
where I have to wake him

at 5:00 a.m.? That shift?

I know that it sucks, but...

if you do me a favor...

I will do you a favor.

Oh, so sex with me
is a favor now, huh?

No, I was trying to sound
fun and flirty.

It's very hard to convey
nuance in a whisper.

Yeah, like sarcasm
in an e-mail.

Yes, like sarcasm
in an e-mail.

What happened
to your boobs?

Oh, it's a sports bra;
they'll bounce back up in a minute.

(both moaning)

I don't know how
I'm gonna survive, man.

The... the kid wakes up
at, like, 5:00 a.m.

Oh, what the hell?

I know. I mean,
who gets up that early?

No, no, I just got buried under
several hundred dollars' worth

of, uh, unpaid
parking tickets here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, since when
do you dodge parking tickets?

No, I don't, I don't.

I... They're not mine,
they're not mine.

My car's in the shop;
I'm driving Callie's.

It's, like, you would have
Ah.

to try to get
this many parking tickets.

It's, like, a contest.

Look, anyway, guys, look,
the bummer is,

is that the night shift

is actually the easy shift.

Lisa just doesn't know it.

Tommy is, like,
the world's greatest sleeper.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Amazing.

Really, I don't know
where he gets it.

You have no idea
where he gets it? Nope.

Mike.
Mike.

Mike.
Mr. Reilly.

Mike!

(clanging)

That's amazing. I'm gonna
get the Magic Markers.

How about we mix it
up and put his hand in some warm water?

I like that.

That was really funny
that time, guys.

(laughing)

I have to break up with Esmé.
Hm?

That's the, uh,
cardio boxing instructor?

Yep. She's very fit and,
as it turns out, slightly crazy.

What are your thoughts
on that lamp?

I've never loved it.

You should get rid of it.

You're right.

Maybe this
weekend we'll...

(whines)

Or we could do it now.

Oh, yeah, well, we knew
she was a total nut job.

So why didn't you guys
say anything?

(laughs) Are
you kidding me?

We told you repeatedly.

You know, I don't want
to be a broken record here,

but there is something
off about that girl.

You guys talking
about Esmé again?

Yeah, you totally got
to break up with her.

Did I spill beer in my lap?

(snickering, laughing)

Doesn't matter.

'Cause I have an exit strategy.

Get this.

I'm allergic to her cat.

Yeah, but you're not allergic.
Right,

but I've been faking sneezes
for a week and a half.

All the groundwork's
been laid. Oh...

No, no, this is really genius,
this cat allergy thing.

Yeah, this is like
a new take

on the whole
"it's not you, it's me."

(stuffed up):
It's not you, it's your cat.

I-I don't understand.

I really thought that
you could've been the one.

(choked up): You're
making this so hard.

(fake sneeze)

Oh...

I'm gonna have to
wrap this up.

My nose is running
like a faucet.

Hey.
Hey, sweetie.

So, um, I... discovered
these in your car.

(sighs)

They're not like
baseball cards, sweetie--

you don't want to
collect all of them.

Oh, you're fun!
(laughs)

You're just gonna...
Mm-hmm.

Sort of missing my point.

I like to do this crazy
thing where I pay them.

You know, I mail
them in. (chuckles)

And then...

So that's an overdue
library book, also.

Okay, listen, I need
to tell you something.

Okay, what is it?

It... It's not a big deal
or anything like that,

and I should've
told you already

but it's just,
it's hard, and...

Can we do this
in a happy place?

You are $40,000 in debt?

I had to pay
for my education! Okay.

Okay, you got $40,000
in student loans.

Yeah, there's
a student loan in there.

Also a couple of what
I like to call "life loans."

Life loans?

Oh, calm down.

Come on. Shh...

(whispers):
Let the lavender do its work.

Ah... (purring)

Feels good, huh?

I can't do this here.

Look, it's not like I
was out there buying shoes or anything.

Okay, there
are some shoes.

But I spent my money on
experiential knowledge.

I lived in India
for six months.

I went to Greece with
my college professor.

Who was your boyfriend.
See? I will never do that again.

Lesson learned.

(sighs) This
is not working.

("Stand by Your Man" playing)
Mm. You're right, honey,

this is... much better.
Aw.

Sweetie, think of it this way.

All those things that you view
as financially irresponsible

are what made me who
I am today, who you love.

Well... yes, I do love
who you've become.

See? Money well spent.
Okay.

I'll give you that.

So, in a weird way,
it's kind of like

you owe me $40,000.

(laughs)

That's really awkward.

Don't worry, I'll
take it out in trade.

(Tommy crying
over baby monitor)

(sudden inhale)
Hi.

This is for you.

Remember, lift with
your knees, okay?

(crying continues)
I know. Daddy's gonna be right there, pumpkin.

Oh, hey, you're white
house, green door, right?

Amy. We're the house
doing the remodel.

Oh, Mike. I put
a broken toilet

in your dumpster
the other day.

Hope that's okay.
Oh, totally. (laughs)

Hey, you're married
to that jogging lady who never stops, right?

Oh, uh, yeah-- Lisa.

She's very focused,
very... task-oriented.

But in a fun way.

Well, she's missing out.
Really?

Mm-hmm.
On what?

Well, we have this
little mommy group

going on,
and I think you should

come by and have
some coffee cake.

What are we talking,
like, store-bought?

No, no, no, no-- we have some
serious bakers in our group.

Kim, over there, used to be
a lawyer, and now she puts all that energy into coffee cake.

I think Tom is gonna
have some new friends.

Anyway, it turns out
morning shift is awesome!

I'm banking points with Lisa,
I'm having coffee cake

with these ladies who are
hanging on my every word.

Okay, they're hanging
on your every word, Mike?

You heard me.

Yeah, I don't buy it.
What's your angle?

I don't need an angle.

I'm the only guy there;
that's my angle.

Am I saying
your husband's a bad guy?

No.

Could he listen
a little bit more?

Probably.
Totally.

Simple. Righty-tighty,
lefty-loosey.

And that's how you do
a perfect pull-up.

(boy yelling playfully)

(women laughing)

WOMAN:
Thank you.

ADAM: No, that's your
only angle, Mike.

All right, so my turn.

Esmé and I are back on.

What?!
What happened, she didn't buy the cat allergy thing?

Oh, no, she bought it...

a little too well.
Esmé!

Hi!
I gave Tiger away.

What?

It was the hardest thing
that I've ever had to do.

Why would you do that?
I thought about what you said,

and you were right.

We have so much potential!

I won't let anything
stand in the way

of our relationship.

Ooh...
(clicking tongue)

Wow! She chose you over the cat.
That is it, man.

That's it,
you have no way out now.

So, uh, exactly how many weeks
is a cat worth?

Weeks?! Uh, try months.

(laughs)
Easy months.

Wait, how long
had she had the cat for?

I don't know.

Since she was, like, 17, 18.

Oh... no!

(Adam laughing)

Ah! Not quite a child,

but not yet a woman.

You cannot break up with her
for three months, I'd say.

Yeah, I know.
What?!

Six months if she had the cat

No.
when she lost her virginity.

No, no, no, no!
Absolutely. Seven months if the cat

was in the room
when it went down.

Seriously?

MIKE:
You're screwed.

(laughing)

I'm completely serious, yes.

You're in for
the long haul, buddy.

Add a month every time
she mentioned the cat's name.

Might as well have a kid
with this woman.

You should marry her.
I gotta get out of here!

This is a cat-astrophe.

Well, we were all
thinking about that-- I was

the only one who was
brave enough to say it. Jeez.

Hey, I'll get this.
No, no, no.

I got it.
I mean,

considering the whole
Callie situation,

you should save your
money for... ever.

Okay, am I being a jerk

for worrying about this?
You know, I want

to be cool about it,
and we're not even married or anything.

Look, in all respects,

Callie's a
fantastic girl.

She's an artist;
she's a free spirit;

she makes you
happy, right?

Yeah, of course she does.

Right. With Callie,
you're more interesting,

you smell better,
the whole package is improved.

Frankly, I don't think
I can go back.

So maybe you
just accept that

the price of
living with Callie

is that things cost
a little more.

Yeah, it's like a tax.
A Callie tax.

I just can't understand
not appreciating

the value of a
dollar, you know?

It's an important family value
for me, all right?

It's like my grandfather
always used to say:

"Squeeze the nipple
until the buffalo screams."

Nipple? Really?

Sure he didn't mean "nickel"?

Oh, see, that makes
more sense.

Tommy, nice kick!

Way to go!

Oh, so I've been
dying to know

what happened with
your friend Ethan.

Did he dump
that girl? Oh, Esmé?

He tried to, but, get this,
she gave away her cat.

Oh...!
Wait, wait. Her name is Esmé?

Yeah. Why?

Cardio boxing trainer,
tons of red hair?

Maybe.

(phone ringing)

(groaning)

Hello?

Dude, she killed her cat.

What?

Amy is taking
her cardio boxing class.

She said, last class, she
dedicated to her cat Tiger,

who she had to put down.

Dude, she killed
her cat for you.

All right.
Thanks for calling.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

She's there with you,
isn't she?

If she's there with you,
say, "I like bananas."

In response to your survey,
I like bananas.

So do I.

Oh, no.

You're going to get
out of this.

You're going to be fine.

Slowly back out of the room.

Well, what do you think?

You look great.

If I were Prince Harry, I would
totally spill my guts to you.

Oh.
(moans)

Well, it would be pretty awkward

if the real prince did that.

Mm-hmm.

Oh! Or that.

(both chuckling)

It would be one
hell of a scoop.

Yeah.

This is fantastic.
Mm-hmm.

But I got to go, okay?

Can't be late because the press
secretary's a real hard-ass.

Okay.

You're gonna be great.

Put good things out there.
The universe will provide.

Good-bye.
Bye, baby.

(truck beeping)

Oh! No, no, no!
Oh, my God.

They're towing my car.
Of course they're gonna tow it.

Of course. Hey!

Oh, my God. Please stop.

Okay, I know you got
to tow this car.

It's not my car, okay?
It's my girlfriend's car.

I just got to get in there
and get my notes out of there.

'Cause I got an interview
today, all right?

Two seconds.
Thank you so much.

Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, my. All right.

Funny. That is funny.

All right, listen. I know
this is going to sound weird,

I have an interview today

with His Royal Majesty
the Prince of England.

I'm not even kidding you
right now, okay?

I got to get in there.
If I don't get in there,

I'm going to get fired.

It's the worst day
of my life, okay?

So just...
Yeah.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

Oh...
Pay your parking tickets!

Tell that to my girlfriend!

Oh...

Running in my suit.

Gonna have to dry-clean this.

All right...
I can feel you staring at me

through the cubicle.
I just...

I'm really sorry, okay?

Her car got towed. I didn't
mean to miss the interview.

I can't hear you.
I got disappointment

clogging up my ears.
All right.

Well, just... Can I come
in there to talk to you?

No. Because, clearly,
you can't get anywhere.

So I'll come there.

Marcus. Road trip.

(groans)

You hurt me, man.

You really did.

You were the nerd that
I chose to squeeze

and you straight up
nerd-boned me.

Look, I wasn't trying to...

to "nerd-bone" you.
I just...

I tried to call a cab.

By the time
I got there... Hold up.

Kev is torn between
disappointment and arousal.

That's my
girlfriend Callie.

Hi.

May I just say that you
look perfectly bone--

Do not say any version
of the word "bonerific."

You are a psychic lady.

Yeah. Hi.

Wh-What's going on?

I have a surprise.

I love surprises.

Oh, that's great.

Surprise, you're a douche.
Let's go.

Okay.

How did she know that?

(classical music plays)

You won't let me
open my eyes.

It's been, like,
12 blocks.

Yeah, okay.
Open your eyes.

(gasps)

No way.

It's quite the
royal reception.

Surprise.

I mean, you still got to
get your own interview.

I'm not a miracle
worker, but...

How did you...

I couldn't even get a
press pass to this.

Well, remember all
that money I spent,

traveling around the world?

If I had Alzheimer's,

it would be one of the
last memories to go.

Well, I spent some time
in England,

and I learned a thing or two
about how to get into a party.

It's all about attitude.

Did you just
say "attitude"?

Did you? Oh...
Oh, my God.

Please tell me we're not
crashing this right now.

I could tell you that,
but that would be a lie.

Callie, Callie, Callie.

I am not a crasher, okay?

I'm awkward enough
even when I'm invited.

Sweetie, calm down.
Trust me.

I am really good at this.

I have a plan.

Ah. Hello.

Uh, Lady Cooper
and Lord Goodman.

I don't have you on the list.

Uh...

We're with the royal family.

Oh, please, step forward.

Thank you.

I cannot believe
this is working.

The universe loves me.

I'll just need to scan
your passports, please.

(beeping)

Just scan the, uh...

Oh, look!
It's Helen Mirren!

No. Whoa, whoa.

(alarm beeping)

(Callie screams)

Oh, my God.

We're so lucky that
we got out of there.

I mean, what were
you thinking?

Okay, we didn't get in,

but, oh,
that was so exciting!

I'm so pumped full
of adrenaline,

I feel like I could, like,
throw a car or something.

I can't believe you told them

that I was the Chancellor
of the Exchequer.

What even is that? I...

See? The universe sensed
your hesitation.

That's why
we didn't pull it off.

You gotta be... you gotta
be committed, like I am.

I mean, this
dress was $500.

Wow. Just...

Excuse me for a second.

Hey, what's going on with you?

Look, the student loans, I get.

And the travel.

It's just these unpaid
parking tickets

and the $500 dresses,
is irresponsible.

You're digging yourself deeper
and deeper into a hole

and how are you going
to get out?

Hey, come on, I haven't
had my big break yet.

It takes years and years for an
artist's work to become popular.

I mean, what am I supposed
to do in the meantime,

just stop livin'?
What if your break doesn't come?

What if it does?

Come on, if you always make
the safe choices,

nothing exciting is ever
going to happen to you.

I just think that you have
to consider reality.

Okay? I mean, I don't
want to be the one

to tell the dreamer
to stop dreaming.

But, uh...

maybe it's time
to stop dreaming.

Okay, look, I...

I am who I am,
and you are who you are,

and maybe we just can't find
common ground on this one.

Wow.

Did this conversation

just get really serious
all of a sudden?

Oh, you mean more serious
than you telling me

the way I live my life sucks?

Look, I... I'd like to say
I'm going to change,

but the truth is
I probably won't.

I'm always going to use
the pennies in my pocket

to make a wish on a well,
not feed the meter.

You-You know that you can't put
pennies into a meter.

Right? Also, at some point,
we should discuss

the merits of throwing
your money into a well.

You know, I borrowed this dress
for you, you jerk.

Ugh! Yuck!

This muffin
is so crumbly.

It's not a muffin.
It's a scone.

Potato, "po-tah-to."

No, "potahto, potahto."

The scone is like the
national pastry of England.

So?

So the fact that you
can't appreciate that

means that we have
no future together.

You're breaking up with me
because of a muffin?

It's not a muffin, it's
a scone-- and you killed your cat!

So?

Hey.

Need a lift?

I don't know.
Can you afford it?

Look, I did
some thinking

about what I
said back there.

Not my best work.

I love that you're passionate
and that you live in the moment.

And I think that you're
a great photographer.

I just worry that
the rest of the world

is not going to appreciate
you the way that I do.

Yeah, okay,
that was pretty good.

I'm a professional
magazine writer.

But you're the best thing

that ever happened to me.

And you make my life
wonderful...

and nervous
and interesting.

And without you, I'm just
a dumb-ass with big glasses.

And I paid 200 bucks
for this limo,

just for an apology,

so could you, uh, please,
please get in there?

You're not a dumb-ass.

And, I mean, you're right,
I don't do well with money,

but it doesn't mean I want
to give up my dreams.

I don't want you to.

I want you to be
exactly who you are.

I like your glasses.

All right, I'll get in.

Aw...

Oh... sweetie, I'd love
to take credit for that,

but it actually
came with the car.

Well, I'll give you credit.

I'm sorry I messed
up your story.

No, it's okay.

I don't give a damn
about Prince Harry.

You shouldn't, either.

What an ass.

You know Prince Harry?

I know enough.

And just because
you're freakin' royal

doesn't mean
you don't have to tip,

especially if one of your skanks
is painting my backseat...

with vomit.

I see. And so, um...

maybe you could
expand on that.

Oh, yeah.

For starters,
personal hygiene-- not so much.

DRIVER:
You know, he only allows us

to listen
to Jefferson Starship?

Not even the good ones.

(women laughing)

Oh, my God.

What's so funny?

Oh, my God. Sam just told us
the funniest story.

Sam?
Yes.

Jason's dad.

Hey, man.
Oh.

Nice to meet you.

White house, green door, right?

Yeah. You are...?

Brown house, yellow ribbons.

Sorry. Sam just got back

from his tour of duty.

Wow.
Yeah.

Thanks for keeping
the ladies entertained

while I was
protecting America.

Yeah, hey, no problem,
you know?

But you're back now.

We missed
him so much.

We did.
Oh...

We did.
Get in here. Get in here.

This right here
is my band of mothers.

(all giggling)

Group hug,
group hug.

Thank you for your service.

(women cooing)
Aw, thanks.

It's banana bread.

It's for you.
That's big of you.

You can just give us
the pan back whenever.

No biggie.

Nice meeting you.

Bye.
Thank you.

So tell us the
rest of the story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell us about that guy.

SAM:
Check this for IEDs first.

(women laughing)

(horn honking)

All right, look at it.

There it is,
right on the cover.

"Driving Prince Harry."
It's splendid.

Well done, mate.
Thank you.

Hey, have you heard from Esmé
since the breakup?

Nope, not a peep.

And I was braced
for some serious backlash.

I guess she didn't take it
as hard as you thought.

(screeches)
This is for Tiger!

You killed my cat!

Technically,
you killed your cat.

I loved that cat!

That cat was there
when I lost my virginity.

From the trees?
Just, just...

Esmé, Esmé.

You're a crazy psycho.

Oh, I still love you.

We can work it out!

(thud, Adam groans)
We can work it out!

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