Original subtitles

[discordant music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver

[Danielle sexually screaming]

- [Danielle] Fuck. - [Max] Do it again?

[Danielle] Yeah, daddy.

Keep going.

- Oh, oh my God. - Oh!

[phone vibrating]

[Danielle moaning] [Max grunting]

[phone dinging]

[Debbie] Hi, it's me, it's Mommy.

Listen, are you coming to the funeral today or what?

Because we gotta leave soon and you told me you were.

But your dad just said you're not.

He's always 10 notes behind, though so...

He's still at the gym so who knows if we'll even get there.

Danielle, your father, useless.

I ask him to do one thing today, one thing.

You know what? Just call me back, okay?

Call, do not text me.

[Max] Busy day?

[Danielle] Yeah.

I have this brunch thing that I have to get ready for.

Oh, is it another client?

- Yes. - Does he have hair?

- Yes, some. - Does he have teeth?

Yes.

Well, how are you gonna get through law school

when you're busy screwin' around with these guys?

How are you get through law school

when you're busy screwin' around with these guys?

[Danielle laughing]

Don't forget, hm?

Thank you.

Mm hm.

[both laughing]

Um, did you remember?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really wanna help you with your degree

and law school and everything,

and I think it's really great to support females,

particularly female entrepreneurs.

- I know. - Who will be doing nothing

with their business majors and sociology minors.

- Okay. Cool. - You're the future.

Great.

Awesome.

[soft music]

- Hello. - Hi.

Good to see you guys.

[Joel] Danielle!

- Danielle! - [Debbie] Please don't yell!

I just wanna make sure that she sees us.

[Debbie] You're embarrassing yourself.

Would you leave me alone?

- Hi, Daddy. - Hi, sweetie.

Listen, we could have given you a ride.

It's fine. Why did you bring the van?

[Joel] Your mother neglected to tell me

that she was having her own car fixed.

I did tell him.

I had to move all my products here to the back.

As a matter of fact,

there was no room for me to drive up front.

Your mother had to drive.

I did tell you.

He doesn't listen or he's got Alzheimer's.

How was the funeral?

Ah, eulogies were shit.

- I liked 'em. - You like everything.

You're wearing makeup.

You look nice with makeup.

Thanks.

How do I look?

Um, you look great.

- Do I? - Yeah, Mom, you look good.

You didn't say that in a very self-assured way.

[Danielle] You look great, Mom.

[Debbie] Where'd you get that bracelet?

- I don't know. - Wow, it looks expensive.

I think you got it for me in like high school

- or something. - Really?

- Yeah. - I'm amazing.

All right, shall we go in, everybody?

What's my sound bite again?

Y'know, just that you're finishing up finals

and you've got a few job interviews lined up.

Although Moira's here and her daughter Stephanie...

- Jessica. - Whatever.

She's like this marketing executive,

kind of publicist thing.

- Assistant. - Exactly.

You should really talk to her, y'know?

[Debbie] No, she doesn't want to talk to her.

She's not interested in marketing.

[Joel] It's just a job.

[doors closing]

[Danielle] Why is Maya here?

[boxes clattering]

- Shit. - Oh my God, Dad.

We'll be here another hour.

Why did you put them like that in the first place?

[Joel] There's too much stuff to get in all at once.

But listen to me a second, all right?

Why don't you just tell people

that temporarily you're gonna be working with me,

with your dad, just until you find something better.

No, no. She's not gonna say that.

Why not?

Tell me truthfully how I look.

- You look good, Mom. - Is the hair better?

Deb, do you have my phone on you?

No, you have Alzheimer's.

Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Really?

Can I whisper something to you?

Okay.

No funny business with Maya.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

Stop.

You're lucky I'm so open-minded.

Okay, yeah you're right, I should kiss the ground

you walk on for not kicking me out of the house.

You're not in our house, you're just on our payroll.

Can we go?

Yeah, I've been waiting for you.

- Right. - Go.

Oh, now you don't wait for me.

- Watch the kids. - Wait, Mom. Who died?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you. - Yeah, it's so sad.

[Mrs. Bronstein] Yes.

She was so full of life, y'know?

She was so... yeah.

I'm really...

[discordant music]

Oh, Maya, I mean Danielle.

[both laughing]

Columbia, oh my God. That's fantastic.

[Katherine] It is. But it wasn't our first choice.

- You must be so proud. - It's incredible, really,

honestly.

What's your line of work that you're interested in?

Well, it's sort of like, it's media, y'know?

No.

[Bronstein] Oh, you look wonderful.

[Maya] Thank you, so do you.

Abbie would be so pleased.

Does Danielle want to go to law school or grad school?

Neither right now.

She's just got a few job interviews lined up.

That's great.

- She lost so much weight. - Yeah. Quite a lot.

Is she okay?

She just, y'know, finals, stress... whatever.

Is she seeing anyone?

Not at the moment, no.

Is Maya seeing anyone?

Not at the moment, no.

How come?

Excuse me.

Of course.

I feel so bad for Debbie.

- So good to see you. - Thank you.

Thank you for coming.

There's some bagels on the table.

Oh, I'm gonna go grab one.

Yeah.

Maya says she's changed her major at least a dozen times.

Do you think she has an eating disorder?

Who's that? He's cute.

Janice and Maury's son. Max, I think.

Can I sneak by?

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you? - I'm good, how are you?

I'm good. I'm really good.

Yeah, you seem it. Seem good.

Congrats on law school, that's really great.

Thanks.

That only took you like four fuckin' months.

How's babysitting?

Good.

What are you like, are you here this summer?

It's just, I didn't know that I was gonna see you today

because I thought that you would still be taking finals.

I finished them, yesterday.

And what, you just had to like race home

for your best friend Annie?

Abbie.

That's what I said.

Well I interned for her in high school.

Oh yeah, course you did.

Yeah, so my mom and I thought it'd be

like good to be with the family in this time.

Show you off, very on brand for Katherine.

Were you um,

were you even at the funeral?

Yeah.

- Really? - Of course I was.

Yeah.

Your dad was kinda like frazzled,

I don't um, he said you were running late.

Okay, well if he said that, then why did you ask?

You can't just like show up to like the after party

for a shiva and like reap the benefits of the buffet.

I didn't, I was there.

Were you like looking for me and asking everyone?

No, I was not looking for you. Let's live in the truth.

Where's Danielle?

What was your favorite part of the service?

The whole thing was beautiful.

[Maya] Interesting, you must just be so sad.

You must be really grieving your friend Annie.

Well, actually our families are really close, y'know?

She actually played bridge with my bubby.

- Bubby? - Yeah.

Okay, you've never met your grandma.

Well, thank you for reminding me, Maya.

I'll be right back.

- It is so good to see you. - We need to catch up.

Yeah, come find me.

- Come find me. - What?

[man coughing]

Are you like thrilled to be home with your peak audience?

I'm not thrilled, I'm grieving.

It's a funeral.

- [Katherine] Maya! - I know, I'm sad too.

- You remember Gloria? - Hi, how are you?

[Maya] I'm good, how are you?

[discordant music]

[crowd clamoring]

Mom, mom, mom, who died?

Abbie, Uncle Morty's second wife's sister,

you remember her.

No, I don't think so.

She used to play bridge with Bubby.

Really?

- Here. - Oh, Mom I can't eat that.

- Why not? - I'm vegetarian.

You're killin' me.

I've told you so many times.

You have not eaten a single thing all day.

That's because we just got here.

You look like Gwyneth Paltrow on food stamps.

- Oh my God. - And not in a good way.

You know what Aunt Oz says?

She says she thinks you're anorexic.

[suspenseful music]

Danielle.

Are you listening to me? Hey, hey.

Oh my God.

That's Paul and Cheryl Shapiro's nephew.

He's so cute.

You know what?

He has a cousin that works in publishing.

- Maybe he can help you. - Mom, stop.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- No no no no, let's go. - Mom.

We're gonna do this.

I don't want to.

- Come with me. - I'll go later.

- Now. - I didn't eat yet and I'm...

Come on, come on.

I'll get his number later.

- Now. - Stop.

- Now, now, now. - No, Mom.

- Now, now. - Mom.

The problem is the interest rates and the economy...

Hey, look who's here.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, oh my gosh.

Max worked for your father years ago.

- Really? - Yeah.

Hi.

Joel's your father?

Mm hm, yeah.

- Yeah. - Okay.

[Max laughing]

Do you kids know each other?

Um, yeah. We met a really long time ago.

No kidding, how?

At the uh.

- Um, at the Beth... - Beth Torah.

- Israel, Israel, yeah. - Beth Israel, right.

You met at shul?

Yeah... I was volunteering for the children.

What children?

Really, I can't even get you to go to services with me.

It's a thing, you can...

you can volunteer for the Jewish children.

It's like an organization.

Aren't you too busy, I mean like with school

and then doing the babysitting and everything?

Oh wow, you babysit?

How often do you do that?

Just, y'know, whenever they need me.

They don't give you a schedule?

No.

- No schedule? - No schedule, Mom.

Well, do you enjoy it?

Yeah, I mean depends on the kid,

but it's a great way to pay the bills, so.

Bills?

You've never paid a bill in your life.

That's... I don't...

[Max & Joel laughing]

You know what I mean.

That doesn't mean she's not responsible.

I've paid bills before.

Listen, sweetheart, as soon as graduation comes,

you'll learn all about bills.

I'll make sure you understand everything.

Right, but you're studying business?

[Joel] No, not business.

No no, she's studying gender.

The business of gender.

It's like gender business.

She does this fantastic program

where you kind of design

- your own major. - It's fascinating.

It's a little complex when it comes to finding employment,

but she's doing terrifically.

Well, it can get a job for a lot of people.

Yes, absolutely.

You are gonna make your own job, right?

Because she's so talented.

Well now that you're gonna be going to law school,

you won't have to worry about that.

Law school? Where'd you get the idea about law school?

That's Maya, Maya is going to law school.

Danielle is gender business.

I still don't exactly know what that means,

but she's great.

[Max] What's the post-grad plan, then?

Well, are they taking care of you?

Are you making enough money now from babysitting?

No, Dad, not nearly enough

considering all the hard work that I'm doing.

Well, it's a good thing that you don't need the money.

I'm saving up for something.

Oh yeah, well what are you saving up for?

Your own apartment?

Yes. She's doing just that.

Daddy's not going to be paying for that apartment forever.

- But she's very hard-working. - Listen, maybe you and Max

could discuss this in more detail together.

Yes, yes.

I mean, maybe he could help you find the ideal position.

Yeah, I'm sure he can but I already have a plan

and a path, so I don't need that.

Look, sweetheart, feminism isn't exactly

what I call a career.

It's not my career. It's a lens...

...through which to see my career.

[Joel] I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I understand, there's acting, and there's film,

there's comedy, there's activism,

there's all that stuff.

But you can't really support yourself

as an adult through babysitting, y'know?

I mean, sooner or later,

you're gonna have to narrow it down to one thing.

Don't you have a cousin who's in publishing?

Sam, sure.

Maybe he needs an intern.

- Sure. - Yeah, would it pay?

Well, some stipend or something.

I mean, you could work out an arrangement, right?

Get the family deal.

[Joel] Yeah, exactly. That would be great.

This beautiful thing.

[Joel] Oh look, they put the desserts out.

Hello.

[Debbie] Joel.

- Excuse me. - Let others go first.

You go to the gym in the morning,

you eat your weight back to lunch.

What are you gonna do?

Danielle...

Yeah?

Could you come with me to the kitchen for a second?

He's funny.

Don't go there. He's not for you.

Go where?

Just try to behave yourself today, for me please?

What are you talking about, Mom?

I'm not gonna blow him in the bathroom.

We are at a shiva.

That's what I'm saying, I'm not gonna do it.

And you can't go there anyway,

'cause he's married.

- He's married? - Yuh huh.

- Are you sure? - Yuh huh.

To a shiksa princess.

Poor guy.

[voices clamoring]

[Maya] Hey.

Thank you.

[Sheila] Thank you, Danielle.

[discordant music]

[Joel] So, your folks, they're good? They're still in Florida?

Yeah they are, they've become quite the snowbirds, actually.

They bounce back and forth quite a bit.

Ah, that's so fantastic, I love that.

I've been dying to get down there myself

to play my annual golf tournament.

Oh, I didn't know you golfed, Joel.

Yeah, but I had major hip replacement surgery this year.

- I'm so sorry to hear that. - [Debbie] Partial.

But she won't allow me to get on a plane.

Well, that makes sense. It's probably a good idea.

[Debbie] So, how's your brother, Max?

Oh, he's good. He's, y'know, he's...

[Debbie] Um yeah, he's your parents' favorite.

[both laughing]

You're funny.

- Just kidding. - I know.

So yeah, but he's good.

He's doing really good, the practice is...

And how's Kate?

Um, Kim.

- Kim, sorry. - Yeah, no, it's okay.

She's good.

She's doin' really well. She's on her way, actually.

[Debbie] Oh, that's lovely.

[Joel] You know, I don't know how this escaped my mind,

but didn't you guys have a baby this year?

Yes we did. [Danielle choking]

- Oh my God. - That's fantastic.

- Mazel tov. - How did I not know that?

[Joel] What great news.

Do you have photos? Let's see.

Sure, of course.

Aw, look at that. Good on you, buddy.

- Oh, she's gorgeous. - Oh, what a beauty.

[phone vibrating]

I think you got a phone call.

Oh, sorry, I'll be right back.

Hello?

Hi, yeah, we're in the back. Let me come get you.

It's a cute baby.

You thought that baby was cute?

Yes.

It was hideous, freakishly pale and no nose.

What the heck?

Where are you going?

[Joel] Because she's got her own business...

[Max] I don't get it.

I thought your mom was watching her.

I know, she got sick.

What the fuck?

You want the baby getting sick?

No.

This is why we need a new sitter.

[Max] Okay, fine, I'll find a new sitter.

- [Kim] Hi. - [Max] Hey!

[Joel] How are you?

[Kim] Hi, good to see you.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- Oh you brought the baby! - She's beautiful.

- I know. - My goodness.

- We need a new sitter. - I know, I'll find one.

- Hi, I'm Debbie. - I know, we met...

[Joel] It was at the Glickman bris?

- The bris. - Yes.

[Kim] That's right. That was fun.

Well, I mean, you know what I mean.

It was good to see you guys there, yes exactly.

[Debbie] Oh, look at you, you little cutie.

What a nice button nose you've got.

[Max] Good thing she doesn't have my nose.

[Debbie] Oh my God, look at her.

Look at those eyes.

[Max] She's definitely got her mom's eyes.

[Debbie] Beautiful.

[Kim] Oh, your jacket's dirty.

Didn't wanna wear the one that I took to the dry cleaners?

[Max] Uh, I guess I couldn't find it.

- It's fine. - Okay.

[Debbie] You know what, why don't I take her

so you can get something to eat?

[Kim] Oh, it's fine, it's fine.

And I mean, you'll get me something right?

Yeah, here, can you hold her shoe?

- The baby's shoe. - I am starving.

[Debbie] Oh, sure.

[Kim] Been running around all day with this one.

- Max had a meeting this morning. - A meeting on a Sunday?

[Max] What do you want, a bagel or something?

[Kim] You know what I'd love? Arugula.

Ooh.

[Debbie] Oh, it's rugelach, not arugula.

[Joel] That's what she said.

[Debbie] No, that's not what she said.

She said arugula and you need your hearing checked.

- My hearing is fine. - Right.

You just don't listen, that's your problem.

[Danielle] Hi!

Oh my God.

You look so gorgeous, sweetheart.

Oh my God, stop, please. You look gorgeous.

[Maureen] Why thank, you. You're a grown woman.

I know, yeah.

Feels like just yesterday you were the same age as Mason.

It's crazy.

I know, he's gonna be bar mitzvahed later this year.

I heard, yeah.

I went and I bought him a suit.

I gotta show you this, wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's here somewhere.

- [furniture crashing] - Oh, sorry.

Ah.

Now, look at it, isn't this cute?

Of course, it has to be tailored

because he gained a lot of weight.

Oh.

[water running]

[fabric tearing] Shit.

[camera snapping]

[door knocking]

Coming.

One sec, sorry.

Just a minute.

[discordant music]

Sorry, didn't mean to startle you,

but is there an open window or a fan inside?

Great, thank you.

[Rose crying]

Danielle?

Hi.

Hey, you.

- You look stunning. - Oh, thank you.

[Susan] Absolutely gorgeous.

- Thanks. - So, any boyfriends?

No, not yet, or right now.

You must be so excited about graduating.

Yeah, I mean like I have some exams left

and then I have some interviews that I'm gonna do.

Really? You didn't tell me. Where?

Well, I don't think you know the places.

Do you still make those little videos?

I always thought those were so fun.

I haven't done one in a while.

So, acting is still your goal?

No, it's like comedy, stand-up.

What was your major again, sweetie?

No no, she doesn't have a major, Mom.

She makes it up, but you like got a diploma, right?

[Katherine] I think it was politics.

Now I'm trying to think if I know anybody.

[Susan] I always remember you were such

an humanitarian growing up.

Yes. You wanted to go on that trip

and feed the homeless and teach English in the Orient.

My major was sort of like women

and gender studies through the lens...

Oh, so you could run marches like with the pink pussy hats.

Yes, exactly, that's such a good idea, right?

You love to march and you love to knit.

Our friend, Steve Epstein, his son was like you.

He was studying what, philosophy or photography.

One of those things.

And his parents were terrified, naturally, about his future.

I mean, how's he going to make any money?

Right?

But I mean, 20 years later, he's a brain surgeon.

[Rose screaming]

You never know.

Yeah, you never know.

You may end up being a brain surgeon.

[Danielle] Yeah.

Oh Sheila, I can do that.

- What? - I can take that for you.

Oh, you are so lovely. Thank you, darling.

Eli vomited all over the kids' room.

It's okay.

- It's a mess in there. - Yeah, I got it.

Okay, thank you.

Perfect, babysitter to the rescue.

[Susan] That's so sweet.

You're a darling.

- I can help you. - It's fine.

No, I want to.

Such nice girls.

Oh my God. [door closing]

Why do people even bring kids to shivas?

Here, let me help you. I don't want to get it on you.

Thanks.

I was trying to build an app for...

Weren't you wearing tights before?

No.

No?

Wait, why are you bleeding?

[Katherine] As you know, I...

Really neat.

It just got caught in something, it's fine.

Well, you have an open wound on your leg.

It's a scratch.

Why do you keep looking over there?

- Where? - At the skinny blonde woman.

I'm not looking at her.

Okay, she's very pretty, but she's too old for you.

[laughing] I don't think she's pretty.

Malibu Barbie's not pretty?

I mean she's just like basic, y'know?

Like she's just like generic looking.

She's like generic pretty.

She's possibly the most beautiful person I've ever seen

Seriously?

I just wouldn't be into her is what I'm saying.

She has like the essence I want in 15 years.

What,

like boring?

Boring wife who...

doesn't have sex and is like... mean.

No, she's like a hot businesswoman,

basically a single mom, so stressed out but you can't tell

It's like, goals.

- She's not a businesswoman. - Yeah, she is.

She's an entrepreneur.

No, she's not.

Yeah, my mom told me she has like three businesses.

But that's what I'm saying,

you can't tell because she's so chill about it.

Why does she have three?

Did they all just like fail?

Okay, you're projecting like a lot of misogyny

for a future woman's march organizer.

What's goin' on?

- What kinda company? - It's like a stop-down.

What's that?

What kind of company was it?

Excuse me.

What are you?

Nothing, thank you for helping me.

You're being so weird.

I'm not being weird.

- Hi, so good to see you. - Hi, mazel tov.

- Okay, yeah. - Bye.

Come here.

What? Why are you dragging me?

I thought you were a vegetarian.

I am, you said that, you said that you wanted me to eat.

Your behavior right now is completely unacceptable.

Okay, I think you need to relax.

Don't you tell me to relax.

You are flirting with everyone.

You are chugging wine.

You are sitting on a table.

What is this, a party?

And I thought I told you no funny business with Maya.

I don't know what that means.

Oh yes you do.

Don't play dumb with me.

I thought you were done experimenting.

You think everyone that's bi is experimenting.

You don't know anything. You have zero gaydar.

Excuse me, kid?

I lived through New York in the '80s.

My gaydar is strong as a bull.

- Look at this waist! - Oh my God.

Hi darling, how was spin class?

Oh, it was good, but look at this one.

Is she not eating?

- Right? - How much does she weigh?

How much you weigh?

Uh, I don't know.

[laughing] Oh, come on.

Do you want me to get on a scale?

You're so funny, look at this punum.

[Rose crying]

You're okay.

Who the fuck brings a baby to a shiva?

She doesn't know, she's not Jewish.

What do you mean, you told me she converted?

Converted, shmerted,

she doesn't even know how to say rugelach.

You know what?

I heard her dad was Jewish.

That doesn't count.

Anyway, she's very charming.

They seem very happy, very happy, sweet couple.

She seems like a pill to me.

She's very hard-working.

Oh yeah, okay, a hard-working pill.

You know what I don't understand?

What?

Nice Jewish boy marries a shiksa

when he could have any wonderful woman here.

Like look at this beautiful girl.

Right? Oh wait, wait, sweetie, you got schmutz.

- Stop. - I'm just helping you.

I'm just getting the schmutz off your face.

Anyway, the thing is

- I think she's the breadwinner. - The breadwinner.

And where do you think she got that money,

maybe from his dad?

Maury?

Maury.

Maury doesn't have a pot to piss in.

Oh, because he's so generous.

Everybody knows his business is kaput.

But that's not his fault.

That's not, oh, look at you defending Maury.

I forgot you have a crush on him.

- I don't have a crush on him. - Oh yes you do.

Don't be ridiculous.

He was just very kind at a time.

Oh, very kind, yes. Very kind.

- At a time, it was difficult... - A giant schlong.

- Oh, stop it. - He schtups like a champ.

Oh, where did you hear that?

- I'm sorry. - Don't answer that.

Where did you hear that?

Don't answer, don't tell me, but I'd like to know

at a later date.

Excuse me, darling,

but I'm not gonna talk about this anymore.

- We can talk about it later. - Thank you, thank you.

Because the shiksa might be able to get her a job.

- Mom, no. - Oh, a job?

- Go. - Mom.

Of course, of course, go, go.

Don't be shy, speak up.

This is my daughter, Danielle.

- [Rose crying] - What's the matter?

You wanna hold her, sweetie?

You can calm her down, you're a babysitter.

Um, I'm okay.

[Kim] Somebody's very tired.

[Joel] You're good sport, sweetie.

[Kim] Needs a nap.

[Max] She needs a little nappy nap.

[Debbie] Well, everybody's crying, it's a shiva.

Hi, I'm Kim Beckett.

Hi, nice to meet you.

And that's Rose.

Hey, that was you not too long ago, sweetie.

Danielle is about to graduate.

Congratulations.

Do you know what college you're going to yet?

I'm in college.

Oh.

Actually.

Yeah, of course.

So Joel was saying that maybe you have a job offer for her?

Yeah, we were just telling Kim

what a fantastic babysitter you are.

I'm looking for someone.

I mean, might be good to fill it in part time

while you're looking for whatever it is

that you're gonna do.

I mean, good babysitters are so hard to find.

It's impossible.

It sure is.

That's so nice of you to offer, I'm actually fully booked.

Sweetie, you've only got one family, right?

- It can't take that much time. - How would you know that, Dad?

You make your deposits once a month,

it's not rocket science.

Why are you looking into my account so much?

Because they're ours, sweetheart, that's why.

Anyway, the point is that I think Danielle

was more interested in an office job,

like at your office doing clerical work

or something like that.

I mean, you're such an amazing entrepreneur.

A real self-made woman.

Yeah, it's fantastic, you've got so many different things

going on all at once.

Terrific.

I have to with his lifestyle.

Really, that's funny.

I never would have pegged you for a man of luxury, Max.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Him and his friends go to the most

ridiculously expensive restaurants, don't you?

I mean, they're foodies [laughing].

I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.

- Oh, could you get me one? - Sure.

So, I don't know, if you change your mind,

if you find yourself with some time,

I'm actually working from home right now.

But I really could use somebody

to help with the organizing, scheduling, things like that.

I mean, we could really tailor it to something

that you like, if you think that would suit you.

- That'd be great. - That sounds wonderful.

Um, no, that's so nice of you to offer, I just,

I don't think that's anything that I would like.

I don't really wanna be like a girl boss type of,

that's not my thing.

But it's very cool that that's what you do.

Right.

That's so funny, I have the same...

...bracelet.

- Really? - Oh, neat.

Would you look at that?

You do, ah.

I guess we both have fabulous taste.

Well, you and Max.

I would say it's a little bit extravagant.

- Really? - But um, that's him.

Was it a special present?

Was it for your high school graduation or something?

[Danielle] Yeah, I think so, must have been.

Yeah, something like that. [discordant music]

- Sure. - Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were in college.

I am.

It's just that it's a new collection.

Max, what are you doing over there?

Listen, if you guys need a ride,

I happen to have the van outside.

Sweetie, are you sure we got you that bracelet?

Yeah, I mean I can't afford this.

We can't afford it, either.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure, it must have been you.

- It had to have been. - I guess so.

- [phone dinging] - Shit.

- Whoa. - I'm sorry.

Somebody's popular.

- Busy guy. - Work emails,

getting them all at once.

Seriously, the service in here, it's terrible [laughing].

- I got it. - No no no, I got it.

[coffee splattering] [all gasping]

[Rose crying]

[Danielle] I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Did any of it get on her?

- She's okay, are you okay? - It's okay, it's okay.

Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah. - Oh sweetie, come with me.

[Kim] I know, I know, I know.

I'm so so sorry, is she all right?

Well thank God Sheila's coffee is always lukewarm

or you'd have third degree burns.

[water splashing]

Are we allowed to use that?

This, oh God'll forgive us.

It's too crazy in there.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, it was...

It happens.

Mommy?

Yeah, bubala?

Are you disappointed in me?

What?

No.

Um, sorry.

Excuse me.

Bye Gloria, see you next week.

Danny,

you're not?

Sheila, I can help you with these chairs.

Oh, you're an angel.

Sheila... okay.

We were having a conversation.

My cleaning lady got the flu yesterday

and it's just the worst timing.

All right, all right.

Thank you.

If you can put 'em up against that wall over there.

Yeah.

Hey, I can help you.

- Thanks. - Mm hm.

Nice cum stain.

Seriously, you need to be less sensitive, okay?

Excuse me.

Wait, you need to stop biting your nails.

- It's so gross. - Can you stop?

This is so pretty.

Where did you get it?

[Danielle] I don't know.

[Maya] What do you mean you don't know?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

Wait, it's unclasped.

Did you buy it with your babysitting money?

You're being a bitch.

[Maya] I'm not being a bitch.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Max.

Maya.

Are you Danielle's cousin or sister or something?

'Cause you guys look really similar.

Uh, no.

But we do kinda look alike, it's kinda fucked up.

We grew up together.

Oh, so kinda like family.

I don't know, we went to prom together.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It is so sweet, you're right.

She was like late and brought me a dead corsage.

It wasn't dead.

It was fully a dead flower.

I feel like you two had a really fun prom.

You bet that we did, yeah.

- We like caught a limo. - Uh huh, yeah.

You spiked the punch, puking

everywhere and like smokin' blunts.

- And we like fucked. - Maya!

She had her first orgasm.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What, it was a night to remember.

Ooh, sorry Mort.

Mort, how are ya?

- It's good to see you. - Yeah.

Just like sisters.

Yeah, like a good sister fucks her sister.

What the hell?

[Max] So, are you in the arts, as well?

Oh no, absolutely not. I'm going to law school.

Oh, you're the one going to law school.

As opp..., what do you know me?

Danielle hasn't told us what her post-grad plan is.

Yeah I did, I said I have interviews lined up.

And some other babysitting gigs?

Or maybe you'd just be sticking with the one?

No, Danielle doesn't need to work

because her parents pay for everything

while she does her like art thing.

Really?

You must be really in love with this kid

if you don't need to be getting paid.

[voices clamoring]

I'm sorry, how do you guys know each other?

- Oh, we met in temple. - We met at shul, yeah.

Why?

- You never go to temple. - I go sometimes.

So now you're just like a deeply religious person?

You can go without being super religious.

- You can be regular... - Maya.

...religious and go.

Questionable.

Maya?

Oh, okay.

Bye, nice to meet you.

You're full of surprises today.

So are we good?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't we be?

[both laughing]

[Ellie] So, have you seen the new rabbi?

If Robert De Niro and Gene Kelly had a Jewish baby.

Cute, so cute.

For you cute or for Danny cute?

For all of us cute. Cute is cute.

But I want someone good for Danny.

Well, of course.

And I'm trying to find someone, it's just.

- Hey. - You're back.

[both kissing]

- Aw, so pretty. - Hi, sweetie.

[Danielle] Hi.

[Ellie] So, are you seeing anyone?

[Debbie] No one we wanna discuss right now.

What?

I thought you'd be swatting the boys away like flies.

Well I wish she would swat them away a little harder.

Uh, I swat.

Don't listen to your mother.

Have fun, enjoy, enjoy this little, little body.

I want her to enjoy her little, little body,

but get a vibrator, don't get a relationship.

Mom [laughing].

It's not the same.

I just want her to finish her finals

and meet someone after that.

Of course, yeah. That's true, it's true.

Listen to your mother and don't marry anyone

'til you've slept with like what? At least 10 people.

Because you're gonna end up with one

and you'll be wiping his arthritic ass

for the rest of your life.

[Debbie] You know who I ran into recently

whose son would be perfect for her?

Who did I run into?

Danny, you know that guy, tell her.

Tell her.

No, Mom, I don't want to.

I have to go to the bathroom.

- Oh. - You tell her.

I'm worried about her.

- What are you worried about? - I don't know.

She's acting a little strange.

- She is? A little different? - Yeah, just off.

[Ellie] Off?

- Yeah, a little. - Like distracted?

- Like distracted. - Distracted, but distracted.

- It's treatable. - Very distracted.

- It's not a disease. - That's true.

[door knocking]

[Max] Just a second.

Sorry about that.

[door closing]

[zipper unzipping]

[discordant music]

[door closing]

[Sheila] Oh, what a day.

Did you guys get enough to eat?

[Kim] How are you doing?

[Sheila] You know, it's just weird.

Hey, Danny, sweetie.

Are you okay?

Yeah, can we go like now please?

Yeah, if you can drag your father away from everybody.

Okay, I'll do that.

- Sweetie. - What?

Thank you for coming.

Yeah, well you asked me to be here, so whatever.

I know, and I know it's not something that you like to do.

And, obviously, and I just want you to know

that I appreciate it, okay?

You're welcome.

You are such a good kid.

Thanks.

You are.

How did I raise get such a good girl?

Mom.

Are you on drugs?

- No. - Oh, I'm just kidding.

No really, you are such a good girl.

I love you.

I love you too, Mom.

[suspenseful music] Oh my God.

Wait a sec,

I haven't had a chance to catch up with you yet.

How are you?

Where did you go, Danielle?

Where did you go?

You're skin and bones [laughing].

- Yeah. - What are you up to?

Besides starving yourself to death?

Just...

...studying.

[laughing] You have a boyfriend?

- No. - Ah, really?

I don't believe you.

I have nothing serious.

So you just study and don't eat

and go out with your beautiful friends, is that it?

Is that your life?

Yeah, I guess that's my life.

Well, lucky you.

Um.

Can you, um, excuse me?

I haven't eaten yet, I have to go...

unstarve myself [giggling].

Excuse me.

[kids yelling]

Excuse me.

- Danielle. - Yeah.

- Um, I'm just gonna go. - Oh, there you are.

[voices clamoring]

Um, I'm just gonna go.

[Danielle gasping]

Hey.

Are you okay?

I'm like.

[Maya laughing]

What?

Nothing.

What, what is it?

What?

It's literally nothing, okay?

Well you're laughing, so what's so fucking funny?

Nothing's fucking funny.

Nothing's funny.

Okay.

I miss you, okay?

And I was like excited to see you.

Great, whatever, it's what a fuck.

I'll fuck off.

Okay, I miss you too.

Sick.

That's awesome.

Cool, cool.

Great, awesome.

Well, I wouldn't know because you literally never text me.

That is simply not true, I text you all the time.

I didn't even know you were coming today.

Well you don't text me either, so I.

I replied to your fucking story

and you just like saw it.

You do not reply to a reply, okay?

Well, you should.

That's psychotic behavior, but that makes sense for you.

Why don't you fucking reach out?

I just told you that I did.

I told you that I reached out.

Okay, why didn't you just call me like an adult?

Nobody calls, so.

Well, grow up.

Be different than other people.

[voices clamoring]

Okay, cool.

I'll see you later.

- Look, she's eating. - Oh look, she's eating!

[soft music]

You can go ahead.

[dramatic music]

[Kim] Uh huh.

It was Lucy's graduation present from me.

Aw, that's so sweet.

That's really nice. Can I see?

Oh, you guys are at the Holocaust Museum.

You look so...

happy.

I'm just wondering.

Uh huh.

How old is she?

- Oh, she's 18 months. - Mm hm.

You two know each other because of your parents?

[Max] Yeah.

No.

No?

We met at shul.

Yeah, shul.

Ah. [Max laughing]

Or did we?

I can't remember.

[Maureen] And this is us in Israel at Mason's bar mitzvah.

I mean Israel, Palestine, whatever they're calling it now

I don't know.

- That's a nice photo. - You think?

- I love it. - Danielle.

Danielle, listen, can you call my phone?

I lost it, I can't find it anywhere.

Yeah, sure.

Shit, I don't have my phone.

Great, nevermind I'll ask your mother.

Deb.

Deb.

[water running]

[phone dinging]

SUGAR APP: WHAT KIND OF ARRANGEMENT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?

SUGAR APP: BigDaddy481 VIEWED YOUR PROFILE

[Debbie] You have a fakakta memory.

You keep losing everything.

[Joel] So, maybe I do have dementia.

[Debbie] Yeah, you've had dementia since our wedding day.

Anybody can forget a ring, you know.

It's not such a big deal.

You know what, look for your own phone.

It's probably by the desserts.

Thank you.

Hey.

Hi.

Have you seen my phone?

No.

Shoot, I'm looking 'cause I'm...

I'm trying to find it because I need it right now.

Why do you need it right now?

I just like told someone that I met here

that I would send them my resume.

Oh, feels like you have so many job prospects.

I'm sure you can find more here, y'know?

Okay, so you haven't seen it or?

I don't know, I might have seen it,

like in the kitchen or in the bathroom.

But y'know, it was unlocked.

So you might wanna find it

before like somebody else does.

Oh Danielle, I need your help. I'm running out of lox.

- One second. Maya... - Get the fuck off me.

Please don't tell anyone. Please.

Danielle, I love your parents.

I just wouldn't want them to know

their daughter's a fuckin' whore.

[discordant music]

[Sheila] Danielle, the lox is in the kitchen.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

[food crunching]

Danielle!

Jerry clogged the toilet again

and the place smells like shit.

Bubala, where you running off to?

Look at this baby, so adorable.

Sleeping like a baby.

Tears of gold, this baby cries.

Listen, sweetie, you don't have to worry.

I found my phone,

you don't have to think about looking for it.

[Debbie] She was never worried about your phone.

How long have you guys been together?

Almost five years.

Mm hm.

And how did you meet?

Online.

Mm hm.

You're very curious, aren't you?

I'm just wondering how female entrepreneurs do it all.

Well, they need a great support system.

Right, you need a husband who's supportive

of young female entrepreneurs.

[Debbie] Right.

I'm surprised you're able to work from home, y'know?

Where do you live again?

I mean we've always had the Soho apartment.

Soho.

Because how could we let go of that,

it's just the best location.

But a few months ago, we got the house out here.

Just seemed like the logical next step,

especially if we're gonna have another kid.

Baby!

Another wonderful baby.

[Ellie] Wonderful.

I wish I could have my own bachelor pad

where I could do whatever the fuck I wanted.

[dramatic music]

- Hey. - What?

Danielle.

What are you doing?

She's just teasing,

she's got such a crazy sense of humor sometimes.

Are you drunk?

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

- Well, girlfriend. - No girlfriends.

- Please. - Experimented, but.

No, no.

It's just so hard in my generation

because there's just weird unconventional ways

of meeting people.

Sure, sure.

Like in apps and stuff like that.

Oh darling, what are you so?

Of course you're gonna find somebody soon.

Listen, Jdate has been fantastic for me.

Have you tried JSwipe?

A little bit of lipstick, a little bit of lipstick.

Oh, I always tell her that about the lipstick.

[Joel] You know what, sweetheart?

I'm absolutely convinced it's gonna be much much easier now.

She had kind of an extended awkward phase, you know?

She had the braces and she was kinda chubby

for quite a while.

- No. - [Debbie] A little chubby.

Oh, you were so cute.

There was this boy,

she had a thing for him forever, for the longest time.

His name was Michael, right?

And she asked him to the dance, and I guess he said no.

Then like everybody at school knew and saw.

And I picked her up, it was so sweet,

the whole ride home,

there were these little tears coming down.

I felt bad, but y'know, like she's my baby,

but everybody goes through it.

- It'll happen to your girl. - Such a cutie.

Remember the song we used to sing her?

[Joel] Of course.

[all laughing]

- Baby shake. - Baby shake

When she was Rose's age,

we used to sing the baby shake song whenever she cried.

That's what we should have been doing with Rose.

- ♪ Let's make a baby shake ♪ - Stop

- ♪ Let's make a baby shake ♪ - Please stop, Mom.

- ♪ Let's make a baby shake ♪ - Mom.

- Can you let go? - No, never.

[Danielle] Everybody let go.

[Debbie] Never.

Stop.

Stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

- Whoa. - Let go.

Danny, just take it easy.

Everything's okay, it's okay.

Yeah, just go go go go.

I'm gonna talk to her.

I know you don't believe in me,

I know that you think that I'm not gonna do anything

and you think that I'm a little baby.

I don't think that you're a little baby.

Oh my God.

[Rabbi] Thank you very much for joining me

and the Feldmans in their time of mourning.

If you would please join me in reciting the mourner's kaddish.

[speaking in foreign language]

[baby crying]

Thank you very much.

[voices clamoring]

Hey.

Hey hey hey hey hey.

Stop, stop, stop.

What?

You know, I think,

I think it would be best if we ended this.

Sure, yeah.

We probably should before your wife

runs out of money. [throat clearing]

Is there a second bathroom?

Someone is taking forever in this one.

Um, I think there's one upstairs.

You gotta speak up.

There's another bathroom upstairs.

Forget it, I'll wait til I'm home.

Excuse me.

I think we should get going soon.

Sure.

Sorry.

Dad, can we go please?

Yeah, sure we can. Just go ask your mother.

[Danielle] Mom, can we go now?

Sweetie, I'm talking to the rabbi.

Don't be rude. But yes, we can go.

You wanna take these books back

and we'll get going soon, don't worry.

Hey, Danielle.

Is this yours?

[dramatic music]

Um,

yeah.

I found it in the bathroom.

Thanks, thank you.

Yeah.

Can I borrow you for a second?

She's really hungry and I need an extra pair of hands.

Can you hold her?

You really want me to?

I just need you to hold her for a second,

I've got some stuff in the bag.

And it'd be very helpful.

Um, I shouldn't, y'know?

[Kim] Why?

You're a babysitter, right?

Uh, we're gonna go in a sec.

Your parents are still here.

You're leaving with them, aren't you?

I really only work with like eight year olds.

Well it's not brain surgery.

Just hold her.

Um.

It's fine, you'll be fine.

[Rose crying]

- Let me, let me take her. - It's okay.

Can you call a car?

Yeah, I can do that.

Honestly, can you call a car?

[Max] Yeah, but I can do both.

- I just need the... - It's fine, she's fine.

Just call the car first.

I can do both.

[Kim] I'd like you to call the car.

[Rose screaming]

She's a babysitter, remember?

- Yeah, I do remember. - What is the matter with you?

Honestly.

Give her back!

[glass shattering]

That's 40 years of fasting.

That's more like 200.

[voices clamoring]

[glass clinking]

No no no, you don't have to worry about that.

Can we get a broom, please?

Danny.

Sweetie.

Danielle, stop.

I'm sorry.

[Debbie] What are you doing?

Danny, stop.

Come on.

What are you doing?

What's goin' on, sweetie?

Bubala, bubala, talk to me.

[crying] I can't.

Talk to me, talk to me.

You can't what?

I can't.

- I can't. - You can't what, Danielle?

What?

What, honey?

I don't know.

Oh baby, you don't need to know

what you're doing right now.

- No, I don't know. - You don't need to know.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Everything's gonna be fine.

You're gonna get a great job,

you're gonna meet a great man, you're gonna fall in love.

Just, you're gonna figure it out.

Listen, worst case scenario,

you can move back in with Daddy and me.

No.

Everybody, looky-loos.

Are you okay?

Just too pushy, isn't she?

What is wrong with you?

[Debbie] Thank you, Maya.

You know what?

I'm gonna go get Daddy,

have him bring the car around for us, okay?

You just get outta here by going

and helping Mrs. Bronstein.

Yeah, and I can help too.

Thank you. Thank you, Maya.

All right, you wanna gonna go?

Don't you worry about anybody here.

They all love you. It's a sad day, y'know?

It's a sad day, lot of sadness.

Everybody feels it.

Mrs. Bronstein, which one is your car?

You'll see in a minute.

Can I ask you something?

What?

Why do you do it?

- I'm not judging or anything. - I mean, you clearly are.

No I'm not, I just don't know anything

- about it, so. - I wanted money

and it was easy.

Was it?

Yeah, sometimes.

Felt nice to like have power and be appreciated.

If you could just put those in the front seat, hm?

Thanks.

Do you need help? [door closing]

[Mrs. Bronstein] Oh no, thanks girls.

Do you want me to pull out for you?

You drive a car?

Yeah, I think I'm a pretty good driver.

Oh, thank you, no.

[Maya] All right, be safe.

Wait, doesn't she have an expired license?

Yeah, they took it away.

She's not supposed to. [engine starting]

Whatever.

[tires squealing] [horn honking]

Hey, I'm really sorry.

It's fine.

I just never thought about it that way.

No, get in, Maureen.

Danielle.

What?

You coming?

I'm literally walking towards you, Dad.

Sweetie, get over here before somebody sees the car.

[Katherine] Where were you?

I was looking all over.

We were helping Mrs. Bronstein to her car, Mom.

Why?

Why?

Because you're supposed to help fuckin' old people,

I don't know.

Don't you dare use that language

or that tone with me, young lady.

Katherine, Maya, you guys need a ride?

No, that's okay. We'll get a car.

- Oh good. - Come on, we got an open van.

It's fine, Mom, they live two seconds from us.

[Kim] Make sure you get one with a car seat.

[Max] No, it's finding nearby drivers.

Of course, Jesus Christ.

Hey, aren't we giving you two a lift?

Uh, three.

- No. - Oh no, it's.

No, it's okay, we're getting a car, so. But thank you.

Come on, I got the Uber that's Uber-all-this, let's go.

Joel, they got a car.

We got Maureen.

And he's right around the corner, he's at...

My phone just died.

[exhaling] Okay. We'll use my phone.

- Well, where is it? - Just look, it's somewhere in here.

- Okay, that's very specific. - It's somewhere in there.

Honestly, you guys have so many people between all of you

and we would have to strap her in and all of those things.

When we were all her age, there was no straps,

there was no carriers. Everybody all survived.

Come with us.

Oh, for the love God. I'm getting in the car.

Sure. [door slamming]

Are you fucking kidding me?

Youngest in first. You guys to the backy back.

- Seriously? - Come on.

Okay.

Wait, sorry, you gotta lift up the middle seat. I forgot.

All right.

[Danielle] You have to pull the lever.

[Maya] I'm literally pulling the lever.

- Do you want me to do it? - No, I got it.

[Joel] Come on, Maya, you gotta use some muscle, y'know?

- You got it? - Yeah.

[Joel] Okay, who's next? Kim, Max?

- You go first. - Okay.

[Joel] Terrific.

Katherine, you think you can fit in on that same seat?

Here we are.

Thank you.

[Kim] Scoot over.

- [trash clattering] - Okay, last one is Maureen.

[Rose crying]

Oh no.

Shit, I think I might have overbooked us.

[Debbie] No shit.

Seriously, we can honestly get out.

Yeah, we can just get a car. It's not a big deal.

No no no no, listen.

Maureen, you get there in the backy back.

And then Maya and Danielle,

can you guys squeeze together into one seat?

I mean, you're pretty small, right?

Really, Joel, we could take a car.

No no no, this is gonna work. Believe me.

I promise you no man left behind, or woman, sorry.

You okay back there, Maureen?

[Rose screaming]

You got a lot of stuff back here, Joel.

Hi, girls.

- Hey. - Hi.

Got your legs around? Everybody hands safe?

- I know, I know. - All in.

[door closing]

Off like a herd of turtles.

- What the? - No, it's okay.

It's okay.

[Joel] All right.

[Maureen] Hi, baby.

You wanna play peek a book? Peek a boo.

Don't cry.

All set? Seatbelts on?

All right, first stop will be Maureen.

Oh, thank you.

Oh shit.

Oh no.

[Debbie] You don't have your phone, again?

[Joel] I got it.

[Debbie] What? Let's go, let's go Joel.

[Joel] Yes, just finding my keys.

Here we are, okay. [keys jingling]

Everyone ready?

[engine starting]

I'm gonna kill you when we get home.

[discordant music]

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull