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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,795
? It seems today that all you see ?
2
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,174
? Is violence in movies and sex on TV ?
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,886
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,472
? On which we used to rely? ?
5
00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:17,850
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
6
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:21,604
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189
? All the things that make us ?
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,690
? Laugh and cry ?
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,155
? He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ?
10
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,368
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
11
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,341
Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
12
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:52,009
Here is your morning briefing.
13
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,595
In Washington, D. C.,
Congress has passed a measure...
14
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,431
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
15
00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:00,351
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
16
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:03,354
No way! Someone should tell his face.
17
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:04,981
I know, right?
18
00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:06,607
Seriously!
19
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,193
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
20
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,404
You're my best friend.
21
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,198
And you're... you're awesome, Lois.
22
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,410
Best friends.
23
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,246
Hey, Mom,
my period started on the couch.
24
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:25,042
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
25
00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:27,878
My shoes are on the roof. Get 'em.
26
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,633
- ? The driver on the bus peeks... ?
- Come on, move your arm up.
27
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:34,760
- Up. Close your hand.
- ? Check his phone ?
28
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,013
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- ? Check his phone ?
29
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,931
- Just let me do it.
- ? The driver on the bus peeks... ?
30
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,267
- Other arm. Almost done.
- ? Whoops, he hit a dog ?
31
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:44,020
Move your thumb. Move your thumb. Push.
32
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,938
- There. Done.
- ? The driver on the bus ?
33
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,690
? Says, "Shut up, shut up, shut up ?
34
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:51,235
? Let me think for a second." ?
35
00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:54,488
Why did you do this?
36
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:56,574
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
37
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:59,785
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
38
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:02,413
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
39
00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,040
"Big Toilet"? Is that a thing?
40
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,541
Shh!
41
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,460
Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
42
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,170
the Money On podcast.
43
00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:12,506
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
44
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,925
Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
45
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:17,011
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
46
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:18,929
I don't know, 30 bucks.
47
00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:21,015
$30 is three months of Netflix.
48
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,933
So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
49
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,561
- I like The Crown.
- What if I like The Crown?
50
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:27,521
Watch it all in one weekend.
51
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,440
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
52
00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,817
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just...
53
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,361
can we just kiss a little first?
54
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,820
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
55
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,073
to clear up on its own.
? Whoa, Black Betty ?
56
00:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,574
? Bam-a-I am, hey, Black Betty ?
57
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:39,992
? Bam-a-I am! ?
58
00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:51,505
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
59
00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,389
Ah... you made it.
60
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,558
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
61
00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:05,810
Morning, Lois.
62
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:07,603
What'll it be this morning? The usual?
63
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,689
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
64
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,315
better make it a large.
65
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,693
So the usual.
66
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,487
How are the muffins this morning, Lisa?
67
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:19,448
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
68
00:03:19,449 --> 00:03:21,283
That's right, I am.
Good memory.
69
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:24,161
- Well, it's what makes you so unique.
- Hurry up!
70
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,996
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
71
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,207
just went away when you became an adult.
72
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,834
You know, like tonsils.
73
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:32,461
Tonsils go away, right?
I thought I read that.
74
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:34,130
What are tonsils?
75
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,090
Anyway, let me put in my card.
76
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,508
I got one with a chip on it.
77
00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:39,885
It's like we're living in the Star Wars.
78
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:44,390
Okay, tip. I'll do cash.
Good, you heard me.
79
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,475
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
80
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,602
to a soldier overseas?"
81
00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:51,355
Yeah, that seems like a good cause.
82
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,357
Hey. Here's your free cup of coffee
83
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,610
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
84
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,764
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
85
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,223
- No.
- Oh.
86
00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:27,767
Then move!
87
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,645
Give me the key!
88
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,567
So, how was everybody's day?
89
00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,320
- I made the football team...
- Congratulations.
90
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:41,614
...throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
91
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,157
Still pretty good.
92
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:46,452
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
93
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,496
I go to this coffee shop every morning,
94
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,623
and they do this fun thing
where every week
95
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,208
they choose a Customer of the Week.
96
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:55,085
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
97
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:57,421
Anyway, I've never been picked.
98
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,131
Which is fine.
99
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,342
- The thing is...
- Oh, boy.
100
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,177
...I'm friendly, I always tip,
101
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:06,514
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
102
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,433
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
103
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:10,893
Right?
104
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,686
Yeah. I mean, you show little patience
105
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:15,815
for the handicapped at times,
but... yeah.
106
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,399
Yeah, it just, it just feels like
107
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,318
it should probably be my time.
108
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,945
Well, maybe this'll be your week.
109
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:22,154
Oh, you think so?
110
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,531
I don't know. That-that felt like
111
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,282
the right thing to say, so I said it.
112
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,700
I do impulsive things.
113
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:29,245
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
114
00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:30,704
Morning, luv.
115
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,415
Mind if I sing a tune into your vagina?
116
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,673
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
117
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,926
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
118
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:45,886
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live.
119
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:48,890
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
120
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:54,144
This week's Customer of the Week is...
121
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:55,814
Lester!
122
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,964
Hey, Bon, Wednesday Wisdom's live!
123
00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,216
- Is it good?
- No.
124
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,011
It's great!
125
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,392
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
126
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,810
I need to show them
127
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,937
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
128
00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,480
- You don't.
- Well, they probably
129
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:41,108
see a woman like me and think,
"She's got it all."
130
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:42,735
- They don't.
- I know it's a silly little award,
131
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,737
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
132
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,740
And this is the one place,
the one place that makes me feel happy.
133
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,033
You aren't.
134
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,201
I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
135
00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,621
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
136
00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,789
- You don't.
- I'm one of their best customers.
137
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,500
You know, if I stopped showing up,
they'd probably wonder where I went.
138
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,419
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
139
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,004
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
140
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,672
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
141
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,591
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
142
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,176
Oh, thanks for listening, Stewie.
143
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,136
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
144
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,804
that I deserve to win this award.
145
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,806
I need this... just like I needed
146
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,726
my own Gregor "The Mountain" Clegane.
147
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:17,269
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
148
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:18,354
Uh, can I get...
149
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:20,230
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
150
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,857
Oh, excuse me, I believe I was next.
151
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,693
Step aside, lady.
152
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,865
Yeah, hi, Gil.
153
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,493
Can I try a piece of the pepper turkey?
154
00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:39,291
Here you go. Anything else today?
155
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,669
Yeah, the coffee, and you know what?
156
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,546
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
157
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,090
Really? That's my painting.
158
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,591
Wha...? Is it?
159
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,386
You are very talented.
160
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,096
Well, how much do I owe you?
161
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:55,516
- $600.
- $600?
162
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:56,767
Do you still want it?
163
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,060
Of course.
164
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:00,813
It's important to support local artists
165
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,731
by spending a year's worth of co-pays
166
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:04,692
on a painting of a...
167
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,236
...bridge.
168
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,862
A ladder and an apple.
169
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:12,324
A ladder and an apple! What a theme!
170
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,952
Can you split it on two debit cards?
I have a limit.
171
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,829
I can't really ring it
up on the register.
172
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,748
It has to be cash.
173
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,458
Perfect!
174
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,216
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
175
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,218
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
176
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,097
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
177
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,809
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
178
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,811
And hold it landscape, not portrait.
179
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,522
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.
180
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,190
I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
181
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,191
What?
182
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,986
I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
183
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,404
Welcome, everybody.
184
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,324
This week's Customer of the Week is...
185
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:57,078
...Terry Newcustomer.
186
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:02,750
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
187
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,461
- Lois, should I stop recording?
- Oh, you got a text.
188
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,628
Oh, I clicked it.
189
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:07,629
Oh, it's Bonnie.
190
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,089
She's responding to you.
191
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,467
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
192
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,634
Oh, I should stop.
193
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:13,635
Oh, but I can't.
194
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:14,970
Oh, you're unhappy.
195
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:16,263
Oh, who's Greg?
196
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,806
Oh, there's Greg.
197
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,896
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.
198
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,231
All right? One, two, three.
199
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,069
What?!
200
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,784
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
201
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,453
No way! Garfield never got a chance.
202
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,829
Is Affleck the best Batman?
203
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,289
No. But he had the best Batman body.
204
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,875
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.
205
00:09:44,876 --> 00:09:47,544
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
206
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,559
I don't get it!
207
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,727
Wait, Spider-Man?
208
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,395
He's a guy with spider powers.
209
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,855
Can't I have one thing in my life?
210
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,398
Is that too much to ask?
211
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,900
What is it, do they hate me?
212
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:11,860
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
213
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,321
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
214
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:15,864
I'm a Gemini and they're both Aquarius,
215
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,908
so we're natural matches!
216
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,576
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
217
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,037
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
218
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,914
What am I missing?
219
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,833
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
220
00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,751
you should save one of their lives.
221
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,461
- What?
- There was a kid at school
222
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,005
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
223
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:35,175
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
224
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,219
Peanut allergy?
225
00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,762
I have a peanut allergy.
226
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:42,683
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
227
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,434
and the other kid came over
228
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:46,562
and Pulp Fictioned him with an EpiPen.
229
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:47,729
Huh...
230
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:49,523
I can't even touch peanuts.
231
00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:51,984
That kid was a hero.
232
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,443
Hero...
233
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,695
You flush it!
234
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,698
It scares me when it goes away.
235
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,324
Yes... hero.
236
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,367
I'll be a hero,
237
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,494
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
238
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,872
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
239
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,500
What, are we giving Seth's voice a rest?
240
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:25,184
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
241
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,685
into Lisa's car.
242
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,020
The official peanut
243
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,605
of poisoning people with allergies.
244
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,815
What? No, she's kidding!
245
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:33,192
Come on, look at me:
246
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,736
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
247
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,070
I'm a good guy!
248
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,240
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
249
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,201
and start to have a reaction.
250
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:45,412
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
251
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,831
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
252
00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,250
Stewie, you okay back there?
253
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,294
Having fun playing with Mommy's phone?
254
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,171
Yup. I put the headphones up my nose,
255
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,632
but I made it work.
256
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,092
Okay, there she is.
257
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,053
She's walking to her car...
258
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:02,763
she's getting out her keys...
259
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,431
she's starting her car...
260
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,767
driving away?
261
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:12,899
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
262
00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:15,985
Oh, shaving cream!
263
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:20,031
Ooh, shaving cream.
264
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:24,868
Oh...
265
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,913
shaving cream.
266
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:32,377
Oh, good.
267
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,713
Oh, shaving cream.
268
00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:45,055
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
269
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,599
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
270
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,227
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
271
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,979
Okay. That's all I wanted to hear.
272
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,566
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
273
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,485
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
274
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,238
How's she doing?
Did she say what happened?
275
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,699
No, she's mostly just said...
276
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,577
Oh, that's not a good moan.
277
00:13:07,578 --> 00:13:09,997
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
278
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:11,748
and she's deathly allergic.
279
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,916
Oh, no.
280
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,501
Here are flowers.
281
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,712
She took those
from a guardrail memorial.
282
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,922
D-Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
283
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,258
- No.
- Good. Grief!
284
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,844
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
285
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,929
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
286
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,181
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
287
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,349
to see who did.
288
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,935
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
289
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,270
Uh, who are you again?
290
00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:35,939
I'm a... a very good customer.
291
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,482
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
292
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,402
Exit stage left!
293
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:45,366
That was a very sad door to run in to.
294
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,379
What the hell? Lois?
295
00:14:00,715 --> 00:14:02,884
Put the phone down, Kyle H.
296
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,303
...so then I start hearing people say
297
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,804
there are different levels
298
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,890
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
299
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,225
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
300
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,561
not throat-close-car-crash.
301
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,397
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
302
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,108
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
303
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,818
So, are you gonna let me go?
304
00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:22,819
Yes.
305
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,988
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
306
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,114
Oh.
307
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:29,368
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
308
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,370
This isn't scary.
309
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,996
I'm a good person.
310
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:35,165
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
311
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,125
you can give me your absolute trust,
312
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,003
or I can get you hooked on heroin.
313
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,838
Heroin's not bad.
314
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:44,549
Not having heroin, that's what's bad.
315
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,052
Y-You can trust me. It's just...
316
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:48,178
Just what?
317
00:14:48,179 --> 00:14:49,304
I have a cat.
318
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,431
Someone needs to feed him.
319
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:57,187
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
320
00:14:57,188 --> 00:14:59,940
But since I am a good person,
321
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,817
I will take care of your cat.
322
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,402
Now, open your mouth, I'm gonna stuff
323
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,196
my son's baseball sock in it.
324
00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:18,333
What the hell? Who are you?
325
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,168
Oh, hello.
326
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:23,255
Um, hi, I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.
327
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,465
He didn't tell me he had roommates
328
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,801
who could feed his cat for him.
329
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:30,345
Wait, why do you have his laser pointer
330
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,055
and Heisenberg keychain?
331
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:34,975
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
332
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,394
He must be in danger!
333
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,692
You can't leave us like this, lady.
334
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,027
Don't say "lady." It makes me feel old.
335
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,405
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
336
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,949
If anything, it's Kyle H.'s fault.
337
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,451
I'm a good person.
338
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:53,952
People are gonna know we're gone.
339
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,037
- I promised my boyfriend that I'd...
- Wait, you're gay?
340
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,664
- Yeah.
- You sound surprised.
341
00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,583
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
342
00:15:59,584 --> 00:16:01,126
Oh, so gays "present"?
343
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,711
No, no, no, that's not...
344
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,171
What? I'm woke, okay?
345
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,882
- Is he your boyfriend?
- No, I'm not gay.
346
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,675
What? But you're roommates.
347
00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:10,343
- So?
- So?!
348
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:11,595
And that's not weird?
349
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,138
I mean, do you have your own bathrooms?
350
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:15,515
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
351
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,100
like there's nothing potentially sexual?
352
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:19,478
Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
353
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,146
he's really turned his body around.
354
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,772
But that's not what I'd be attracted to.
355
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,192
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
356
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,360
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
357
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,653
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
358
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:29,905
See, this!
359
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,282
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?
360
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,326
Fine, you win with your gay stuff.
361
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,828
That's what you want, right? To win?
362
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,706
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
363
00:16:39,707 --> 00:16:41,124
Look, what I was trying to say is that
364
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,793
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
365
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,962
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
366
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,924
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
367
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:54,846
What are you supposed to make?
368
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,432
- Beef Wellington.
- What... Beef Wellington?!
369
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,017
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
370
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,393
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
371
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,856
If you're starting
at 2:00 p. m., very! Yes!
372
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,321
Lois, have you seen the pooping iPad?
373
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,323
I can only go while watching Tiger King.
374
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:14,950
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
375
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,869
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
376
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,914
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
377
00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:23,167
Is that why I keep getting pink eye?
378
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,252
I don't know where it is.
379
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,628
But it's definitely not in the shed.
380
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,213
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
381
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,215
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
382
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,675
I haven't been in there
383
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,093
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
384
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,594
Nyah-ha!
385
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,265
Too fast and too smart for you, earwigs.
386
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,393
Now, to continue clearing the yard...
387
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:45,522
...collecting
moisture and sleeping in wood.
388
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:47,023
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
389
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,900
- that Customer of the Week thing?
- Th-the what?
390
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,485
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
391
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,778
Did you ever win?
392
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,238
Why? Why would you bring that up?
393
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,614
What are you, obsessed with it?
394
00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,408
Uh, you...
You had been talking about it...
395
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,118
Oh, so you can hear me when I say that,
396
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,120
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
397
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,871
I like to be up by people.
398
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,832
May I be excused to...
399
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:07,503
Bring this plate
of moisture to the crawl space?
400
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,131
Yeah, for the record,
401
00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:12,299
I would rather drink a sinus infection
402
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,466
than win that stupid award.
403
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,176
It's all rigged anyway.
404
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:18,013
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
405
00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,639
How is that fair, huh?
406
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,517
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
407
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:24,102
I'm going to the sunroom,
408
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,063
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
409
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,774
No one come check on me.
410
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,944
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
411
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,738
Crank this night up a notch?
412
00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:36,073
I'm in.
413
00:18:38,576 --> 00:18:39,826
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
414
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,995
In local news, two roommates were found
415
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,913
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
416
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,916
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."
417
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,669
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.
418
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,154
Okay.
419
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:21,868
Lois?
420
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:23,996
I'm just finishing the dishes.
421
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,665
I'm a good person, Joe.
422
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,167
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
423
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,669
You can finish the dishes.
424
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,587
Then I gotta take you in.
425
00:19:32,588 --> 00:19:34,422
You can't take her away, Joe!
426
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,634
And you can put in one load of laundry.
427
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,344
Then I gotta take you in.
428
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:43,181
After that, you can write
down the Wi-Fi log-in.
429
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,225
Then I gotta take you in.
430
00:19:46,477 --> 00:19:48,186
Where's the peanut butter?
431
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,231
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
432
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:52,732
Chinese people are from China
433
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,901
and Japanese people are from Japan.
434
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,990
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
435
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,645
Good morning.
436
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:33,106
Ah, what a charming place this is.
437
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:35,525
Oh, look, you do a Customer of the Week.
438
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:37,068
How cute.
439
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:40,321
Now, I'll take a Nitro Cold Brew.
440
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:43,199
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
441
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,659
Hey, that's funny.
442
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,578
Yeah, I know.
443
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,497
There you go.
444
00:20:49,415 --> 00:20:51,584
And there you go.
445
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:55,044
Well, you could have said thank you.
446
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,380
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
447
00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,968
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.
32847
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