Original subtitles

Cruises have never been more popular.

Last year, millions of us Brits booked one

and sailed off into the sunset.

HORN BLAST

Nowadays, there are cruises for everyone -

young, old singles and families.

You can head off on a weekend mini cruise,

or blow the budget on a year-long round the world trip.

Whatever floats your boat, somewhere, there's a cruise for you.

I'm Jane McDonald,

and 18 years ago, I was a singer on a ship

that was filmed for a BBC series.

It changed my life, but I'm still crazy about cruising.

I'm going to show you how to get the best

out of any cruise you ever go on.

This time, a boutique cruise in the Inner Hebrides.

Hello, little puffin!

Exploring hidden caves...

NOTE ECHOES

Wow!

..and getting to meet the locals...

How you feeling? Great! Yeah, it's good.

Whoo!

..and embracing the weather.

It is windy. And it's fabulous!

So, come on, what are you waiting for?

All aboard!

The Inner Hebrides is a group of islands

lying off the Atlantic west coast of Scotland.

Stretching for 150 miles,

the islands are divided into north and south.

My trip will be sailing round one of the bigger islands in the south,

the Isle of Mull.

Apart from the staggering natural beauty in this area,

visitors are also drawn to the wildlife...

..and historical appeal.

So, with a name like McDonald,

you'd think I'd know me neeps from me tatties -

but this is the first time I've had a chance

to get to know my homeland.

We're in Oban, which is on the west coast of Scotland.

I'm going for a trip on a lovely ship -

it's a very small one, I believe - around the Inner Hebrides.

Because I've got Scottish roots, looking forward to this.

It's a bit of a personal voyage for me, this one.

My trip sets sail from Oban,

the unofficial capital of the West Highlands.

Known as the Gateway to the Isles,

this pretty seaside town is surrounded by beautiful countryside

and miles of dramatic coastline,

and makes me feel quite at home.

Because all my family come from Scotland,

and there's only me and my brother that are from England,

so, it's... I just get a really lovely feeling

when I come back to Scotland.

I love it up here. Beautiful place.

I'm the Sassenach, you know, it's like...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: So, they all talk like this at home.

It's a beautiful singsong language, is Scottish, to me.

My grandmother always sounded really posh,

cos she was from Dundee.

She was from Dundee and sounded really posh.

REFINED SCOTTISH ACCENT: So she used to speak a little bit like that,

which I always thought sounded very posh.

But I love it - and there's little things like The Pokey Hat.

That means an ice cream cornet.

That's a cone that you put your ice cream in.

I wish I had more time here -

then I could take a walk out to the Dunollie Castle ruins

or head up to McCaig's Tower,

the prominent landmark standing proud over the town...

..but it's time to find me ship -

or, in this case, a lovingly converted herring trawler.

I'll be spending six nights on what is now a floating boutique hotel.

The ship sleeps 11 plus crew,

and will be the smallest I've ever sailed on.

I've never tried a cruise quite like this.

This will be completely different for me,

because it's only about 13 people, tops,

which is completely different to anything I've ever done.

It's been 2,000 to 3,000 to 4,000 capacity that I'm used to.

I love that music in the background - can you hear that?

We've got piper going somewhere. DISTANT PIPES

I love that. We're definitely in Scotland.

We're definitely in Scotland!

So, yeah, this is gonna be a completely - very intimate.

I think this will be very intimate.

I have no idea what to expect when I get into my cabin.

As long as it's got a nice bed, a comfy pillow,

I'll be happy.

And a shower.

And maybe a bath, and... maybe a hairdryer.

Maybe a kettle.

Hello! Are you going on this trip?

Yes, we are. Oh, great! I'm Jane. Nice to meet you.

Have you done this cruise before? No, we haven't. No? No.

Well, we're all in the same boat, then.

A nice drive up to Scotland and Oban,

my first port of call,

then across the Sound of Mull

to Tobermory.

From Tobermory,

we had north-west around the tip of Mull,

south to Ulva Ferry,

then the Treshnish Isles

and the puffins of Lunga,

followed by Staffa and Fingal's Cave

and overnight in Bunessan Bay -

and finally back to Oban.

Your floating hotel is dead ahead.

Whoo!

It's a bit smaller than I thought.

But...

But I'm sure it's small but perfectly formed!

First impression is, "What am I doing, going on a trawler?!"

The second one is, "It's going to be brilliant."

I've just got a feeling, I've got a nice warm feeling about this trip.

It looks like one of the lifeboats off the big ship!

We're going to spend all this cruise on a lifeboat.

THEY LAUGH

Here we are.

Oh, wow, look at this - it's like your front room!

Ooh, this is cute, innit?

Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen, to the Glen Tarsan.

Oh, look at this!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Here's to a great time. Thanks very much.

Cheers! Yeah! Cheers.

It's got this really cosy feel.

It's like...you can you can feel as if this is home.

And for the next week,

this will be home for all of us - including our four crew.

Skipper Ian, he's the boss...

..Darin, the boatswain...

..George, the engineer...

..and Swedish chef Maggie.

They do everything for us, from waiting at table,

keeping everything shipshape and catering to our every need -

and now time for a look round.

Oh, wow! Hey, look at it!

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, this is fabulous.

It's like a proper little room and everything.

It's not... It's not big...

..but it's perfect,

and it feels really cosy.

Maybe I should have thought about the size of the cabin

before I did me packing.

There's a little wardrobe here.

Little shelves.

Can't beat a hook.

I've got three hooks, four hooks, five hooks...six, seven hooks.

That's nice.

You've got a shower, toilet.

Jane, this looks lovely!

Doesn't it?

Oh, it's great. Aren't they? Good size cabins, aren't they?

It's a lot bigger than I thought. Mm!

Are you next door? Yeah! Oh, this is lovely.

Oh, fantastic.

We've even got a porthole.

Eh, you two keep it down!

THEY LAUGH You know what I mean?

I'm having no midnight conversations. No...

Conversations, John.

Jane, I don't know if you're gonna get all your clothes

in your wardrobe. THEY LAUGH

There's seven hooks, I've counted. Oh!

Coming up, I discover me sea legs...

I'm feeling a bit woozy.

..kick up my heels at the local ceilidh...

..and go shopping Tobermory style.

Do you just put this over your head?

Is somebody winding me up?

HORN BLAST

I'm sailing round the Inner Hebrides off the west coast of Scotland,

and, as we were warned, it's not always smooth sailing.

Our ship used to be part of the Irish herring fleet -

and I bet she's tackled rougher seas than these.

I'm not sure I have, though.

I'm feeling a bit woozy, because it's really rocky,

because it's such a small ship.

As you can see.

And I'm just going to take a motion sickness tablet.

Because... Be prepared.

You don't want to be filming that.

You really don't.

It's the swell.

It's the actual swell that goes with it,

and that is a problem. That is a problem.

As you can see!

I'm gonna show you what it's really like.

Cos this is pretty bad weather.

Whaa!

This is pretty rough, out here...

..and I feel a bit like a pea on a drum at the minute.

Cos you can't... Ooh!

I'm wet! I'm wet, as well.

It... Ooh! It's wet.

It's windy.

And it's fabulous!

I'm going to have a great time!

It's a bit like being in a tumble dryer. Or a washing machine.

Yeah, it's a washing machine,

because a tumble dryer's got no water in it, has it?!

It's a bit frightening, I have to say, but...

Ooh!

..but it's an adventure.

Our journey has taken us from Oban up the Sound of Mull,

and now we have dropped anchor in Tobermory.

I've heard there's a right good knees-up

in the village over the hills,

so, let's get stuck in!

We're at Dervaig village hall.

There's a ceilidh going on inside. What's a ceilidh?

Ugh, come on.

Ceilidhs are still a big part of rural Scottish life,

and a great way to bring a community together.

Jane, how are you?

You want to have a wee dance? Yeah!

This is a Gay Gordons. Now you've got to do a wee twirl.

SHE LAUGHS You've got it in one!

The young, the old and the in-between

can all dance, drink and have a great time

in a famously friendly atmosphere.

You've done this before. Me dad taught me years ago.

Ooh! Whoa!

Sorry, sorry!

Ooh, I've gone a bit dizzy.

Ceilidhs were originally organised for young couples

in remote Highland areas to meet.

Way more fun than Tinder.

APPLAUSE

Well done!

Thank you. I'm puffed out!

I'm a bit dizzy! You're dizzy? You want a wee seat?

I'll have a seat.

I've been on a boat all day,

I've just driven up here through all these winding roads.

Not a thing.

As soon as I get on the dance floor, I'm going to throw up.

That were a lot of spinning!

Yeah, this is this is really typical of village halls, Scotland,

everybody dancing. Innit nice?

Yeah, it's really...

It's very Scottish.

So, I'm really Scottish now.

Look at that, in his kilt. There we are.

Thank you very much, John, that's lovely of you.

I think we're gonna have a Strip the Willow next.

Aye, I... Have you din that one? A what? A Strip the Willow.

A Strip the Willow? Aye, it's a community dance,

everybody's up the floor. Oh, no, I've not done that.

Two big lines... You need to that one, then. OK. Are you up for that?

Of course! There's more spinning, mind you.

There's... Oh, no, not more spinning!

Do you not fancy that?

Well, you can watch!

Right, I'll go and get organised. That's so lovely of you.

Thank you very much for the water, John. Thank you.

Thanks for coming. Oh, it was my pleasure.

See you in a bit. Strip the Willow! How sweet is he?!

Ladies this side, gents on this side.

Two big lines. Come on, all of you up.

This is the penultimate dance.

It's great to see everybody enjoying themselves.

I've realised just how fit I was as a child dancing with my father.

I used to go every week, ballroom dancing with me dad,

and you don't realise how special that is until they're gone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Don't make me cry!

Don't make me cry.

I had a great night's sleep after all that dancing,

so now it's time to explore the wee coastal town of Tobermory.

I know what you're thinking - that's not Tobermory, it's Balamory -

but, in fact, it's both.

This is where the hit children's show Balamory was mostly filmed.

To be honest, I'm more used to a tropical cruise,

and I haven't packed well for this -

and today I'm wearing something I've never worn before.

Ooh...

Flippin' heck.

I can't walk in these flippin' things, can I?

They're walking boots, Jane.

I know, that's the thing -

they should give you lessons how to walk in 'em.

I'm just wearing stilettos with diamantes on, and flip-flops.

This is not a good look for me, is it?

Do they come with instructions?

Tobermory was originally built as a fishing port

in the late 18th century and is now the main town of Mull.

Well known for its picture postcard colourful buildings,

it's also one of the premier locations

for nature watching in the UK.

Visitors flock to this part of the world

to try and catch a glimpse of rare wildlife

such as the golden eagle...

..as well as the dolphins...

..and sea life that feed in the waters just off the coast.

It really is a nature lover's dream...

..but make sure, like me, you bring the right outdoor clothes.

So, how did the ceilidh go last night, then?

Oh, hello. I'm Jane.

I'm Nicky. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

How do you know I was at a ceilidh? Oh, word travels fast on Mull.

Oh, really?! Yes, yes. No, really - who told you?!

The local taxi driver. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

So, you can't... He said he dropped you off and brought you home...

Yeah. ..and the rest of the middle is unknown.

So - but, no, I believe you had a good time.

It was fabulous. Yeah. Fabulous.

I know this sounds odd and a bit thick, from me,

but what's "ceilidh" actually mean?

It's the Scottish sort of term for a traditional dance.

So, it's... So, it's a dance? A Scottish ceilidh, yeah.

They have lots of different traditional Scottish dances,

and they're all performed at ceilidhs,

which they usually use for weddings and so on. Ah.

So, a bit like our Mecca.

Yeah. Do you remember Mecca?

No, you won't remember Mecca, will you? Yes!

My mom told me. Oh!

So sorry! Oh, that hurt! That hurt.

Ooh...

I'd better watch me step.

There's not much goes unnoticed round here.

Let's see what the shopping's like.

Hello. Hello.

Yeah, there's... This is lovely, innit?

Loads of nice scarves. Do you know, I love scarves.

I've got a thing about scarves.

I know, I'm the same!

They are nice, aren't they? Mm-hm.

Oh, they've got all little animals on. Yeah. Puffins, and sheep.

I've never seen sheep on a scarf!

That's different.

Let's have a try on. Yeah, try it on.

Do you do it that way? Jane? What?

Are we ever going to find you doing anything other than shopping?

Listen, it's an illness. Shut up.

I do like a bit of a shop.

"All roads leads to Rum."

That is true!

Is there really an island called Rum? Yeah, Mm-hm.

Well known for its midges.

Do they bite, midges? Oh! Don't ask me.

I come up in big huge lumps.

Itchy lumps. I have to get an antihistamine

if I get bitten by a midgie.

So, you need a repellent, really? Oh, yeah.

It might be worth investing in...

..in some. I should get some? Yeah. I think you should.

It's coming quite close to when they start to appear. Yeah?

You see? Where's he gone?

Hello.

This is why you need to shop.

I'm learning all about all sorts of things.

You see, we'd have been eaten alive.

These midges sound serious.

The local weather forecast even includes a report on them

in every bulletin.

RADIO: Here's the midge forecast for today.

The highest biting activity will be in the Western Highlands

and Islands, particularly in between showers.

The skipper told me about an old-fashioned hardware store

that sells everything.

Let's hope they have something for midges.

Right, we're here.

I didn't know shops like this still existed.

Look at this shop! They've got guitars and everything.

Guitars and guns!

Have you got any midge spray, is it?

Yeah, I've got a lot, come and have a look. Lots of midge stuff, yeah.

I've got natural products. And then we have, like, the chemical ones.

There's midge nets, of course. What's a midge net?

Very effective, just put it over your head... What?

You put a net over your head? Yeah, do you want to try one? Really?

Yeah, come on, try one, yeah.

They're quite comfortable.

They're very effective, they can't get at you, basically.

So you put this on... Yeah. ..at night?

Over your head... No, if you're going out doing the day.

You're joking me! I'm not, honestly.

So you just put this...? I've got a mirror, you can have a look.

You just put this on your head? It's fine.

Isn't it? Very bridal. Is somebody winding me up?

This is not true, is it? No, honestly. It is, don't listen.

Come and have a look.

Is this really a midge net? Yes. Yeah.

Would you like to come round and look in the mirror?

BRIDAL MARCH PLAYS Is this a wind-up, really?

Do people wear those normally?

Of course they do, I sell loads of them, honestly.

BRIDAL MARCH SLOWS TO A HALT

I can't go out looking like that. Why? Honesty, you look good.

JANE LAUGHS

Listen, if the midges come out, you will be glad you have that.

So I should have it? Mm-hmm. Yeah. OK, I'll have one, then.

Known as the Harrods of the North,

this shop offers a bonkers array of items.

You can buy anything here.

You've got absolutely everything in this shop.

I don't suppose in a million years you've got...

..an avocado peeler, have you?

Yes. You've got an avocado peeler, are you... Really? Mm-hmm. Yep.

This is unbelievable, this place.

I've been looking for one of them for years.

Flipping heck, they have, as well! That is amazing.

You are unbelievable, you two.

Never mind t'Two Ronnies.

THEY LAUGH

We've got them as well! You are joking, you are joking me!

This is unbelievable.

You'll be glad of that net. See you later. Bye!

Bye-bye, bye-bye.

I don't know what I was expecting when I came here.

But it wasn't this.

This peace, this tranquillity, these views.

Oh, wow, look at this.

Oh, what a perfect place to put a bench.

Just look at the beauty of this place.

I didn't expect it to be so picturesque, beautiful.

Every single view from here is a postcard.

And it's absolutely stunning.

It's just gorgeous. And peaceful.

It, like, envelopes you.

Envelops you? That's it, isn't it?

Sorry, I don't know. I'm not a proper TV presenter, am I?

It enve...env...envelops you.

So, this is the place where we're not allowed,

because the chef is the hardest working person on the ship,

and the most important, let's be honest. Hi, Maggie! Hi!

Hi, you all right? Just to say, we love you. Thank you so much.

No problem, sweetheart, see you later. Bye-bye. Bye.

This must be the bridge. Very handsome man on board here.

Hello. I'm just in the middle of a very tricky little negotiation here.

Just so we don't end up where we shouldn't be. OK.

This is what the skip can see here.

But I'm not going to speak to the captain at the minute,

because he's busy negotiating rocks.

It is like having your own private yacht on here. Which is pretty good.

See, look, just look at that view. You see?

This is the sundeck.

This is the place to be, this is the place to get the sun.

Just look at that view.

Tonight we are sailing from Tobermory

around the northern tip of Mull,

and south to Ulva Ferry.

CHATTER, CROCKERY CLINKING

Thank you. Thank you so much.

LAUGHTER

Coming up, I make an actual haggis with these actual hands.

Oh, yes!

It's like a support stocking, in't it?

I think this is a whole lung. Oh...

I am having the time of my life on a tiny converted trawler,

sailing round Mull in the Inner Hebrides.

It's a stunning part of the world, with dramatic landscapes

and windswept beaches.

I can't think of anywhere more beautiful to start the day.

This is Radio Mull. 109.7 FM.

Live from Mull.

Here's a wee weather update.

Gentlemen, no need for undies beneath your kilts for a few days,

we're having a heatwave. Next, it's The Proclaimers.

I think the weather has freaked everybody out

because it is so fabulous.

And it's May. And you don't usually get this type of weather in May.

It's so easy making friends with my shipmates, it's lovely.

How do you say it, chorizo?

LAUGHTER

Chorizo! I love that.

We've all really bonded, and it's nice to feel like

you don't have to feel like you've got to talk all the time.

That's a nice place to get to.

Ian's taking me ashore. I can't believe this weather.

It's going to be 26 degrees today. And that is not what I expected.

Look at that blue sky.

And the beautiful blue sea.

The scenery around the Isle of Mull is just breathtaking.

Particularly on a day like today,

with spectacular scenery around every corner.

I know it's not always like this. We've been so lucky.

I'm off to discover the truth about a famous Scottish delicacy

which I have to admit I know nothing about.

Well, you enjoy your day.

Thanks, love. Have a good day. Have a nice day.

Come to think of it, there's a lot of Scottish things

I don't know much about, but haggis is definitely top of my list.

Is it shooting season for haggis? I don't know.

I don't actually know what's in haggis.

So... But I like haggis.

But I might not after today.

Apparently everything's in it but the squeak,

that's what the captain told me.

I'm in Ballygown restaurant, run by Jeanette, head chef,

head waitress and head washer-up.

Hello, Jane! Nice to see you.

Jeanette comes from Brighton and is a self-taught haggis maker.

She must be very good. They've won prizes and everything.

Come in! Do you want to show you how to make haggis today?

Oh, yes, please. Brilliant.

So, is it really as bad as everybody makes out?

Um... It's, it's... I hope you're not squeamish.

You're not squeamish, are you? A little bit.

Get t'kettle on, can we have a cup of tea? I'm gasping. Yes!

Excuse me, what's this?

I've got a photo of Lorraine in the toilet,

and I thought perhaps

it would be nice if you could join Lorraine, if that's all right?

I actually quite like being on the fridge.

Right, listen, I don't mind you having a picture.

But, excuse me, I want a decent one.

I'm a lot thinner now than I was then.

Do you want me to sign it? Yes!

When I did a search for Loose Women on eBay, Carol Vorderman came up.

Really? I've got to admit, Carol Vorderman was, was, you know,

dearer than yourself. Oh, thanks.

She was about 20 quid. Was she?

Yeah. That's too expensive. Well...

Well, I didn't pay so much for Lorraine, actually.

How much did you pay for Lorraine, then?

I can't remember, maybe £4.19.

£4.19? That's not right. She needs to get on prime-time,

that's what you need to do.

How much did you pay for me?

Um... Less, less than... Less than £4?

Less than Lorraine, yeah.

I'm sorry to say.

She probably got it given.

In fact, somebody probably said, "I don't care, just take it."

Lovely. I tell you what,

shall we just make some haggis? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

I've got three ox bungs in here. What's an ox bung?

I think it's part of the intestine.

It feels like, like a squashed frog.

I've never felt one. Shall I have a go? Yeah, go on, then.

Shall I... Urgh!

It's like a support stocking, in't it?

Well, I don't know if I'd want to put it on my leg.

I've never felt anything quite like that, have you? No, no.

And it smells pretty bad. It is quite good fun if...

Oh, God, it whiffs!

Just while you're here, right?

We've got... Well, this is a part of a lung.

This isn't a whole lung.

The lungs... They were nasty.

I think this is a whole lung. Oh...

Oh, no, that's still part of a lung. Oh, I feel like I'm in Casualty.

It stinks, can you put that back down? Sure!

I'm going to spare you going through everything I did

and just get to the bit where we stuff it and bung it in the pan.

Can I have some more gloves? I'll pay for them, I promise.

Yeah, OK, only because you're going to pay for them.

All right, then.

Just pretend you're putting, you know,

tangerines in a... Christmas stocking.

Jeanette's promised me that this unappetising mixture of offal,

onion, oats, spices, salt, pepper

and a secret ingredient beginning with J

will be transformed into the most delicious haggis ever. We'll see.

Do I get it down to the ball end? THEY LAUGH

I mean, this ball end. Yeah, yeah, squeeze it down like that.

Squeeze it down?

Oh, God, that's disgusting.

Right, so, you need to fart the haggis. You need to fart the haggis?

Yeah, you need to get rid of... You need to massage it

and get rid of all this excess air.

Massage all the wind out of it.

Look at that!

You're doing great. Am I really?

And we're going to tie it just there.

I don't really cook, I don't cook, I don't cook.

Look, I can't lie and say, "Well, actually,

"my speciality dish is this," because I haven't got one.

Oh, apart from shepherd's pie.

But then again, Ed makes a much better shepherd's pie than I do.

So I've given him that as well. Why bother?

Actually, yours is bigger than mine. Well, I'm not one to cause trouble.

OK. You go first. OK. Go on.

And now my haggis needs to simmer for a couple of hours.

You can't hurry haggis.

While we leave them cooking,

we're off to visit Jeanette's next door neighbour.

And on Mull, next door is half a mile away.

Oh, we've got bikes. Yeah.

Oh, this is fine, then. I tell you what, I'll ride the bike.

I'll ride the bike, and I'll show you, I'll show you, come over here.

You're joking, aren't you? I'll put a couple of cushions in it,

all right? You want me to ride in that?

Well, it's quite sturdy.

It's really handy for carrying driftwood.

You can be the flotsam and jetsam for today, all right?

You take that end.

OK. And I'll... Right.

This wasn't in the contract.

I'll go slow, Jane, don't worry. All right, lovely. I trust you.

Oh, it's brilliant!

SHE HUMS HAPPILY How you feeling?

Great, yeah, it's good. Whooo!

Whoo! Oh, that were brilliant.

Right, do you want a hand here, Jane?

Hang on a minute. Look at that.

Graceful as ever. Well done.

Oh, wow, look at this place.

Jeanette's neighbour Lucy has transformed what was

a wilderness of dense bracken and gorse to a beautiful cottage garden.

Hello, Jane. Nice to meet you. This is beautiful. Thank you.

Now, I hear you're the women with the green fingers, is that right?

Well, I work at it.

I enjoy doing things with plants and there's a good market up here

because people are looking for plants which grow well up here.

My plants are all grown outdoors

so people are appreciating you're getting something

which is going to... It's like acclimatised. Yes.

Because those wouldn't normally survive here, would they?

Well, most... We're quite mild up here.

The problem here is the wind. Yeah.

And the salt gales. It does buffet plants terribly,

and it gets very, very wet.

So plants do have some things to contend with.

Can we go and have a look at the garden? Yeah, do. Brilliant.

Are you coming round, Jeanette? Yeah, yeah. Please do.

It's a gorgeous place, though.

Lip na Cloiche is open to the public all year round

and Lucy welcomes thousands of visitors each year.

So have you done all of this? Yes.

Creating this garden was a labour of love,

and has taken Lucy more than ten years.

This is absolutely stunning. You've done such a great job here, Lucy.

Beautiful.

So, here we are at the top of a hill and as you see,

the view is just so much better when you get up here. It's just amazing.

Over there, you can see Ben More, that's the highest hill in Mull.

Those are the Gribun Rocks there,

which are very spectacular.

This is the Isle of Ulva.

That's Gometra at the end,

which is another island connected by a causeway.

So the view up here is just, it's wonderful.

Have you just died and gone to heaven, being here?

It's just amazing to be here.

When you look at this, it's just amazing, it's just wonderful.

Despite sounding very posh and very English, Lucy was born

and bred on Mull. And to her, it's always been home.

You don't have a TV? I don't have a TV, no. Or a radio?

I have a radio, but I don't listen to it.

Newspapers?

I get one newspaper a week and it takes me a whole week to read it

and by that time it's depressed me and I don't want more than one.

How much of the outside world actually invades your world here?

Well, I think it's just the people,

I have a lot of contact with the outside world

because seven months of the year, I've got garden visitors,

and B&Bs.

In the winter, I'm pretty self-sufficient,

because I do all my talking in the summer.

I like that, I do all my talking in the summer.

I maybe don't see anybody,

I don't talk to anybody for two or three days.

In the summer, I'm always here. I don't go out anywhere.

In the winter I'm out, and beachcombing. I'm out and about.

Looking for bits of tractors?

Looking for bits of tractors, exactly.

I want to live in your world. I really do.

I wasn't expecting it to be so peaceful or beautiful here.

But I think what has surprised me most is the emptiness.

It really is like another country.

I never in a million years thought I would

feel like this about the Hebrides.

I thought this was going to be cold, dark, miserable,

but I could never have anticipated this.

It's very peaceful here - very tranquil -

and I think that's because there's no negative ions around us.

There's no big buildings, there's no electricity per se, you know,

there's just open space, which gives you a feeling of serenity.

There's just something so fresh

and so clean about the air here, and it...

It knocks you out. It's like a drug at night.

Or it could be the whisky I'm drinking, but I think it's the air.

My haggis must be ready now.

Jeanette's wrapped them up and they're ready to go.

That looks brilliant, doesn't it?

I'm genuinely so chuffed that they didn't burst.

I'm so proud of myself.

Look at that.

It was a beautiful, plump, rounded haggis.

It's a very fine-looking haggis.

I must have fisted it a bit better than she did,

because you had to really get it down there, so I'm quite pleased

that mine looked so fabulous.

I'm really proud of that.

I've made a haggis, thanks to Jeanette.

I think with the sauce - a bit of whisky in it, a bit of cream -

it might taste all right.

I'm going to take it back and force it on my fellow shipmates,

and I'm sure it might be nice...

..but I'm not holding my breath.

I'd never have believed I could do this,

but, like they say, the proof of the pudding...

BAGPIPES PLAY

The arrival of a haggis is always an event,

and mine is no different as it gets piped aboard.

Our very own Burns night -

in Scotland, in May, on a boat.

We're here. Woohoo!

Hurray!

Gracious and glorious, three slices amongst four of us,

thank Christ there's no more of us!

I like that one. It's tasty. Is it?

Yeah.

Well cooked. Really?

Thank you so much.

I must admit, I quite liked it.

I couldn't even stand the smell at the end of the day.

I thought, "There's no way I'm going to be able to eat that," but I did,

and it was really nice.

It's just been the most perfect day weather-wise.

I've made a haggis,

and I've come back and everybody has enjoyed what I've done and now

I'm sat here in the most fabulous sunset

drinking an extremely good whisky.

Life doesn't get any better than this, does it? Cheers!

Ah, this is what it's all about.

Coming up next,

I'm glad I packed those sensible walking boots after all.

It's a bit much this, isn't it?

Oh, slippy stuff, this. Oh!

And we take a trip to Fingal's Cave, a place

so beautiful it inspires great pieces of music.

SHE SINGS SCALES

And still does.

Wow! Listen to that.

This cruise is all about a nice, slow pace of life.

There's no need to do anything at all except enjoy it,

or have a chinwag with new friends.

Do you know, I've loved the fact that we've just been able

to sit there and just do nothing today. Yeah.

It's nice and relaxing.

That's the idea of this holiday. You've got to do it.

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

I don't mind you asking. I shall be 85 next month.

I can't believe she's in her 80s.

She's really sprightly, isn't she?

She's great fun. I love her.

But she's quite excited about this.

She's done a trip before...

..on a ship over here and she loves it, so...

I love that smell of the sea.

Fresh air. Oh, it does you good.

What are puffins? They're birds.

Birds. I think they are. Yeah, they are. They're puffins.

I've seen a picture of them.

So, I'm going to stick with Joan today because she seems to know.

She saw a documentary on it. How many puffins are you hoping to see?

Well, one will do, but, I mean,

if I see more than that then that will be fantastic.

Next stop, the Isle of Lunga in the Treshnish Islands.

It's bird heaven.

Look at this now coming here.

I still don't see any birds.

There are more than 2,000 pairs of breeding puffins on Lunga,

which is a designated

Site of Special Scientific Interest.

Well, ladies... Oh, hello. ..welcome to the Treshnish Isles.

So, we're just going to anchor in this little bay here

and we'll take you ashore shortly.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Are you looking forward to your puffin tour? Aye.

I'm going to stick with Joan today because she's seen

a documentary on it, so she knows what it's all about.

It's quite slippy. It's a bit much, this, isn't it?

So, where are you of to, Jane? I'm off up there.

There's a big arrow pointing up.

I best catch up. Trust me to come in the wrong gear.

I mean, everybody has got fleeces on and waterproofs.

You see, I'm used to just going bar to car.

Oh, slippy stuff, this. Oh!

I can't believe an 84-year-old is fitter than I am.

Come on, Jane. Thanks, Joan.

Puffins mate for life and both parents incubate the eggs

and feed their chicks, called a puffling.

I mean, how cute is that?

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Oh, little puffins, look. They are tiny, aren't they?

They are not taking any notice.

Oh, isn't it lovely? It's so cute.

Hello, puffin.

Hello, little puffin.

They build their nests in rabbit warrens

and the rabbits are no match for the puffins once they decide to move in.

Hello.

You little darlings.

I don't know what I look like from your angle...

..but I don't care, cos I've got

some fantastic shots of some puffins here.

I'm chuffing Bear Grylls, aren't I?

Look at that, eh?

They walk like little old men.

They've got webbed feet and everything, which is

a bit odd, isn't it?

Because birds usually, you know, do that, don't they? What parrots do.

I sound right thick.

I sound right thick.

I actually think I'm at the end of my pilgrimage to find my ancestors,

because I'm looking at the nose on that puffin and it's very...

It's the family likeness.

I think if you put me and that puffin back-to-back

we'd look like a pickaxe.

Same nose.

It's all over. I'm related to the puffin.

And it's black and white. I've even got black and white plumage.

Well, that's the family tree sorted.

Next, it's the Isle of Staffa and Fingal's Cave.

The composer Felix Mendelssohn came here in 1829

and was so inspired by what he saw and heard

he wrote the Hebrides Overture.

So, it's a bit swelling today, lads.

Oh, steady. I've got you.

Oh, dear.

This is Fingal's Cave. It's like a cathedral.

Look at those columns.

They're made of bay salt,

and all of this was formed more than 60 million years ago.

It's completely breathtaking.

This is brilliant.

It's amazing, isn't it?

SHE SINGS SCALES

Wow. Listen to that. Do that again.

SHE SINGS SCALES

SHE SINGS SCALES

Wow. Look at the acoustics on that.

Can you do that once more?

# Amazing Grace

# How sweet the sound

# That saved a wretch like me

# I once was lost

# But now I'm found

# Was blind

# But now I see. #

Thank you. Oh, bless you.

That made me joyous to be a singer.

With the acoustics in there,

and just the sound going round Fingal's Cave,

it was quite an emotional moment,

actually, to be pretty honest with you. Aw!

It was absolutely brilliant. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

A free concert for us.

Yeah, that's nice.

Thank you very much. Oh, bless.

Bless!

The crew on the ship are so lovely.

I really feel as if I've made some great new friends.

The two owners - Andy and Ken -

have invited me for a sundowner -

on their private yacht, of course.

Andy and Ken - they are the owners of this company -

and when they get together they are like a couple of naughty schoolboys.

They've got these two yachts that they both own

and they whizz around the island and very often they just join

the passengers on the ship, which is a big thrill for everybody, really.

Permission to come aboard, Captain.

Jane, welcome aboard.

Thank you so much.

Come and sit down. I brought my own drink.

You've done well.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

You've got the perfect life, really, haven't you?

Well, we've got to go off and do our day jobs occasionally.

Yeah, not very often, though. And we've earned it. Yes.

We're getting on a bit now. Speak for yourself!

You're still young at heart, Ken, are you? Absolutely. We both are.

Yeah. We both are. That's the trouble.

Tell me how you got into this.

Oh, it's a long story, really,

but Ken and I have known each other for 50-odd years.

We are both West Highlanders

and we've both sailed these West Highland waters for many years and

when we thought about it we thought it would be a good idea to start

a business that was able to show it off to the rest of the world.

Was that over a drink one night or something?

It was. I think we had the sums done on a beer mat. Yes.

So, the whole copyright thing was on a beer mat. Business plan.

A business plan on a beer mat.

Ha-ha! I like that.

But they are sort of like a double act

so they bounce off each other all the time.

So, you come up on your yacht

and just sail around the Hebrides all the time?

Well, Andy's got his own one. This is my one. Yes, we sail.

You've got one each? Hm. You're getting on my nerves now!

SHE LAUGHS

They are living every man's dream, I would think.

They sail round these gorgeous islands doing a pub crawl.

They know every single pub on every single island and can rate it.

Scotland's stunning. I mean...

..we originally, when we planned it,

we were worried people might not want to stay on board

all the time, so we planned walks along the coast.

We can still do that - drop them off and pick them up.

But they don't want to leave. No.

They all tend to be birds-of-a-feather people that

want to see the West Highlands,

and perhaps of a certain age.

What is the age group?

We describe them as being Saga-aged.

Perhaps 50 and over.

Oh, my God, I'm Saga-age! There you are. Never!

I don't believe it. I am. Get away! Oh, shut up.

You're not even probably at the halfway mark yet,

and each day you live -

once you're over 60 - each day you live you live another

seven hours - you add another seven hours to year life expectancy.

Each day? Each day you add seven hours to your life expectancy.

Really? Yep.

So, if in the afternoon you can't be bothered doing anything you

just say, "I've another seven hours tomorrow to do it."

I love that. Andy, would you like some canapes?

Yes, that would be nice.

Do you want permission to come aboard? Permission to come aboard?

Yes, come aboard. Thank you very much. Come aboard, Darren.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, I like it. What are you like?

Can I have an olive? Yes.

Thanks you. And I'll have a prawn.

I'll have one of that and I'll have an olive.

Thanks, Darren. Loving your work.

Cheers, boys. Cheers, my dear.

Thank you so much for a great time.

That's all right. Our pleasure.

You're not finished yet. I'm not? Right.

Coming up, I have my own Bo Peep moment

with the black sheep of the family.

Aww!

Aww!

Hello.

It's early morning on the final day of my Highland fling.

Yeah, I went out like a light last night. Just boof! Gone.

I think it was that whisky. Whisky at the sunset.

I thought, "That's it, I'm done," so, yeah, I had a nice early night.

Come in here, just chilled out, had the blinds up,

watched the sun again.

It's like having your private yacht.

This is not fair, though, you know, for a woman of my age,

because once you get up, you know,

it takes your face about half an hour to fall into place.

I'm not a morning person, that's my problem.

I really don't like getting up in the morning, cos I'm a "turn".

You're a what? A turn.

A singer. That's what we call them.

I'm a turn.

Everything starts first thing.

It's the quietest time of the day.

Well, until George gets going.

WHOOSHING

Am I usually a late sleeper?

You can't be when the generator...

Can you hear the generator going brrrr?

Well, that starts up at, like, seven o'clock in the morning,

otherwise nobody's got any hot water,

so it's like your alarm clock and you think, "Oh, right, here we go."

It's nice, though. It's a different way of life, isn't it?

Today, we're sailing from Bunessan in the south of Mull

west to Ardalanish

then back home to Oban.

Ardalanish is a 1,500-acre farm set on a peninsula on the Isle of Mull.

Owned by the same family for nine years,

what a great location to live and work from.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, wow.

Oh!

Gosh, what a fabulous day.

Fabulous view.

This real estate must cost a fortune.

You see, all I can think about is

how many houses could you build on this?

How many millions could you make with that view?

You see, just a little shack down there, you know,

because you wouldn't want to be here in the winter, would you?

Because it would be absolutely freezing.

So, I mean... But for summer, it would be perfect.

You don't think you need to get some of those plug-in smelly things?

God, it doesn't half pong up here.

I must admit, the manure...

Breathe it in, it's good for you apparently.

Big breaths.

I'm only 16.

I'm so sorry, I've just got to that point...

It's the fresh air, you see? I'm not used to this.

It's a wonderful feeling, fresh air.

It seems a bit of a Julie Andrews moment,

but actually when I got here,

I was out of breath when I ran up that hillock.

So I thought, I'll just go and do some shopping instead.

Come on.

Mull is full of hidden gems like Ardalanish Weavers,

a working sheep farm that is also a thriving weaving business.

These looms are more than 100 years old

and are perfect for producing traditional Mull tweed.

The sound is deafening.

CLATTERING

They produce gorgeous tweeds and knit using wool from their own herd

of sheep and other specialist providers

and there's a shop!

Oh, I love that. I love that on the wall.

Is that all your colours?

That is all our colours running from the Hebridean in the corner

all the way through into the Shetland wool

which is the pure white.

You wouldn't believe that there were that many coloured sheep.

There aren't.

We're using three basic colours of sheep which are the black Hebridean,

a Manx Loaghtan and white sheep

and then you blend to all the rest of the colours in the spinning.

Wow. That... I love the look of that.

So which... I know there's a black sheep,

but which is the Hebridean sheep colour? That's the black sheep.

I've never seen a pink sheep though. No. No.

They do go grey like we do,

but we take the grey bits away when we're sorting them.

I'm a bit upset to hear that

just because it's an older sheep, you get rid of the grey.

That's not nice. We don't get rid of it. Do you not?

We use it in the grey colours.

Oh! I'm with you.

The thing is, I would like a blanket or a throw

or something that I can put on.

We can manage that. Have you got some blankets? Yeah.

Just up at the end here. Yeah.

I could see myself tripping to the toilet in this.

I'm going to have this one.

BLEATING OUTSIDE

Did I just hear a little lamb?

Have we got a little lamb out here?

Aw! Baa!

Oh!

Hello. Hello.

So are these with their mother? No? No, these are orphans.

Aw! Yeah.

Are they orphans? Yeah.

Oh, no wonder you're crying.

Aw!

Mehh!

Look at the dog. He wants a bit of attention as well.

Shall we put these back in? Yeah. Right.

Right you're going to the beach now. Are you excited?

You're going to the beach.

DOG WHINES Yes.

The beach? Yes, I know.

Well, enjoy yourself at the beach. Oh, oh!

I love you. You're lovely, aren't you?

Yeah, I love you as well. Yes.

No, you can't kiss me.

Ta-ra.

LAUGHTER

Got me. You little tinker.

Any other dogs? Yes. Have you?

How many have you got? There's seven more in the back.

You're joking me. There's seven...

Seven dogs in the back of the van? Yeah.

There's definitely seven dogs in here? Lots of little noses.

Oh! Hello.

Hello.

Can we see the dogs?

# Who let the dogs out? #

It will be. Is it? Yeah, stand back.

Do you think we should?

You just know what's going to happen, don't you?

Right, here we go. Argh!

SHE LAUGHS

They want to go to the beach.

That's fantastic.

Oh, my God!

Come on!

I've seen this on the telly.

How do they do it now? CLICKS TONGUE

Come on, Pip! Pipsqueak!

Come by! That's it.

Come on, you. In there.

That one's hand signals only. He's deaf.

In.

Come by, come by.

That's it. You see?

Powerful, that's me.

That's absolutely brilliant.

I love that.

Coming up, it's my turn to help catch our last supper,

but thankfully, I don't have to go very far.

The honesty box.

You're joking. No.

"Please leave the money in the jar below."

That's fantastic.

I'm on the last day of my cruise round

the Isle of Mull in the Inner Hebrides.

Everything we've eaten has been locally sourced

and our final dinner is no different.

On tonight's menu, freshly caught mussels.

Hiya, skip. What are we up to? I'm away to collect your dinner.

Shall I come and help you?

I like this bit, this is my favourite part of it. Is it?

Yeah.

Scream if you want to go faster. Oh, stop it. Don't excite me.

So we're going to collect mussels, is that right?

Yes, from the mussel farm here.

They're grown here, hanging on these ropes. Oh, yeah?

So they're really going to be fresh, these, aren't they?

These are grade ! mussels which means they don't need to have any

filtration or ultraviolet light treatment.

You can eat them straight out of the sea. Wow.

So what's the difference? The water, obviously.

The water quality is the difference, yeah.

There's no septic tanks discharging into the sea here,

so it's just fresh water off the mountains.

Septic tanks? Eurgh... The other big thing is cattle.

If there's too many cattle on the land,

the effluent washes into the water and pollutes it as well.

What's effluent?

HE CHUCKLES

Cow dung.

Effluent? I've never heard it called that before.

Right, here we are. The drive-in mussel shop.

I'm very careful with mussels.

I had a dodgy one once and I think I know why now.

It was probably next to some cows.

Right, madam, let's go.

Oh... God, you've got the perfect life. Not bad, is it?

Saying that, it's not always this weather, is it? No!

It certainly isn't.

I've come to t' mussel farm.

I'm getting tonight's tea.

Ooh, surfs. Are there any people here?

Nobody. Nobody's here?

The honesty box. You're joking. No.

"Please leave the money in the jar below."

That's fantastic.

The fact that they want me to come and get some mussels with them...

That's a five kilo bag.

You know, pick up tonight's tea, I feel like I'm being a bit useful,

so I'm glad he's asked me along.

And we need that one. Right.

Blimey, these are heavy.

Money in the box.

Did you put enough in? Yeah.

I don't want this to be on camera, "Jane McDonald nicks mussels."

Is it ink that's in mussels? Is it... I don't know.

There'll be something good in mussels, I would have thought.

I think we'll have these as well, shall we? Oh, wow!

A langoustine.

Do you think it knows it's going to be eaten?

OK, let's take these to chef.

An honesty box, I love that.

It's fresh, caught today, there's no effluent in it, apparently,

and there's nobody saying have you got the right change?

You know, you just put your money in the jar,

pick up your fresh food and off you go.

Is there ink in mussels? There's everything.

I was going to say, I just made that up, I think.

I've never met such an amiable captain.

Really nice and he washes up and everything.

He does. He washes up.

He clears the dishes on the night, because there's only four crew.

So he does his bit.

I bet he's got really soft hands

because they're in Fairy Liquid a lot or any other...

..washing-up liquid.

No, I mean, that's what I love about this crew.

No job is too big or too small for them.

All they want is for the guests to have the most enjoyable time

and I've seen the captain be up at, like, six o'clock in the morning

prepping everything for the meals for the day

and then up drinking with us

till probably one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning.

I don't know how they do it.

They're amazing, this lot.

Maggie is preparing us a real treat tonight - a seafood feast

and I know those mussels are effluent free, oh, yes.

It's a really special night tonight.

It's the last night.

We've all made a bit of an effort.

I've put some lipstick on for a change.

The weather's been amazing.

I've got to know everybody really well.

It's quite sad, really.

I could just do with another week.

Cheers, everyone.

What a fantastic time.

Thank you so much. Cheers! Cheers!

I think looking out to this, I think of my dad, really.

Because although he's been gone, he passed over in '93,

when you're somewhere as beautiful as this,

your loved ones, I feel, come around you.

And I just feel my dad has been on this journey with me.

Here's to you, Dad.

Just listen to that silence.

You know, there's not one cruise that I would know

where you would be on first-name terms with all the crew

and the staff and the captain and see them everyday like we do here.

This is definitely a treat and I can honestly see why the Queen

does this and has her own team of people and wants to sail

round these beautiful islands as much as she does,

because it is very royal and you feel like a queen

when you're going around this

because it's like a backdrop of a film.

It's just unbelievably beautiful.

So I'm glad that the Queen told us all about this.

After six glorious days, we are back on dry land

and I think I can just squeeze in one more shop.

Well, life on the ship is over for now,

but I've got one last thing to do.

I'm going to a tartan shop to get measured up for a kilt.

Waist. Put your arms back down for me. OK.

Thank you. Just relax. Keep your head straight.

OK. OK. Oh, hello.

What are you up to, Jane?

I'm getting measured for a kilt.

Can you just turn sideways for me?

Just rest this arm here. OK.

I'm just going to do a hip measurement. Right.

Because I'm Scottish and I haven't got a kilt.

That's bad, isn't it, really?

And I'm going to go from my grandmother's tartan in ode

to my grandmother because she used to, you know, dance and all the bit

in a kilt, so I'm going for the Ferguson tartan which is

my mother's name and not the McDonald because it's rather dull.

Do you realise that there's a lot of McDonalds

and you might insult them by saying it's a bit dull?

All right, that... The Campbells will be like, "Rah!"

cheering for you, but the McDonalds will be like that,

"She's cut out the will." I know. What will?

You just prefer the colours. Yeah.

Well, Ferguson or McDonald, it doesn't really matter.

I'm just thrilled to finally have my own

made-to-measure kilt from Scotland.

I absolutely love it. I love it.

And we got the pleats at the back.

It's fantastic. I'm very excited.

There you go. Yeah.

SHE HUMS A JIG

It's fantastic. Lovely. Thank you.

There, I've got my tartan, my Ferguson tartan,

and I think it's time for a wee song.

# I don't know if you can see

# The changes that have come over me

# In these last few days I've been afraid

# That I might drift away

# So I've been telling old stories, singing songs

# That make me think about where I came from

# And that's the reason why I seem

# So far away today

# Let me tell you that I love you

# And I think about you all the time

# Caledonia, you're calling me

# And now I'm going home

# But if I should become a stranger

# You know that it would make me more than sad

# Caledonia's been everything I've ever had. #

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