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1
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Lamont!
2
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,403
Lamont!
3
00:00:59,427 --> 00:01:00,437
What?
4
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:03,273
You didn't finish your supper.
5
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:06,876
Don't you want any dessert?
I made you some Jell-O.
6
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,912
No, thank you.
7
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,414
Well, I promised your daddy
8
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,750
I'd take good care of you
while he was away in St. Louis.
9
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,853
Now, come on down
here and eat your Jell-O.
10
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:20,890
I don't want no Jell-O, Grady.
11
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:27,119
Oh. Well, I guess I'll
have to eat it myself.
12
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:37,340
I used to know a
girl who could do that.
13
00:01:37,364 --> 00:01:39,064
All right.
14
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:46,015
Her name was Lottie the Body.
15
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,018
She was as mellow as Jell-O.
16
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,409
Wow.
17
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,202
What's the matter?
18
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,536
What's the matter
with you, Grady?
19
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,938
Haven't you ever seen
anybody wear an ascot before?
20
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:12,309
Is that what you call that?
21
00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,977
That's right, it's an ascot.
22
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,345
See, over in England,
23
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:18,515
this is what the rich dudes
wear at the race track, an ascot.
24
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:23,208
Oh, then that's why you
look like a horse's ascot.
25
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:30,860
My goodness, and just
look at the rest of you.
26
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,930
Look at that jacket.
27
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,666
Don't tell me, I know.
28
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,102
That's what the
well-dressed hot-dog man
29
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,104
wears at the racetrack.
30
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:43,072
You don't know
nothing, do you, Grady?
31
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:47,277
I know a sissy when I see one...
32
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:50,013
and you sure look
like a sissy to me.
33
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,149
This happens to be a
lounging jacket, Grady,
34
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:54,017
and it's what you
wear around the house.
35
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,620
See, I got it on sale
at Phil's Fashion Box.
36
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:59,022
It was slightly irregular,
so it was a markdown.
37
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,691
Oh, well, you better
wear it around the house,
38
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,126
because if you wear that thing
39
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,561
around the pool hall,
40
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:08,498
that markdown will
get you a knockdown.
41
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,567
Listen, I don't wish to
discuss this any further.
42
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:14,804
I must check out my stash
for this evening's festivities.
43
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:19,176
Oh, goodness,
check out your stash.
44
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,077
Is that what you're going to do?
45
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,580
Just wear that thing
around the house tonight?
46
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,482
Hey, Grady, have
you been in my wine?
47
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,750
Who, me?
48
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,420
Yes, you. I had almost
a full bottle over here,
49
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:31,988
and now it's just about empty.
50
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,223
It was a rosé.
51
00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,258
A who?
52
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:37,794
It was a pink wine, a rosé.
53
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:41,198
Oh, well, you're better
off without that stuff,
54
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,867
because that rosé was "lous-é."
55
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,837
Is that what we're
going to do tonight,
56
00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:50,640
just sit around and
look at some television
57
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,175
and drink some wine?
58
00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:54,177
That's what I'm
going to do, Grady.
59
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,012
You are leaving.
60
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:57,614
I've got a young
lady coming over here
61
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,316
to spend the evening with me.
62
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,883
Oh, well, you won't bother me.
63
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,786
I know that, Grady, but
you'll be bothering us.
64
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,555
Now, look, man,
this is still my house
65
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,591
and I got a right to
have company over here
66
00:04:07,615 --> 00:04:09,192
and be alone with her if I want.
67
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:11,094
Oh, sure, you've got a right,
68
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:13,196
but your father left me
in charge of this house,
69
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,031
and he told me that
while he was away,
70
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:18,201
that I was to enforce
his number-one rule,
71
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,158
no "org-gees."
72
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,242
You mean "orgy,"
don't you, Grady?
73
00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:28,712
Yeah, none of that either.
74
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,313
In other words, I've
got to go upstairs
75
00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:31,348
and change my clothes
76
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,882
and take my date
out somewhere, huh?
77
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,651
Okay, I'm not going
to forget this, Grady,
78
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,253
but just remember one thing.
79
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,087
Just because you're
sitting in my Pop's chair
80
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,989
doesn't mean that you're
the boss of this house.
81
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,424
Well, he left me in charge,
82
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,893
so I guess that's
what that means,
83
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,529
I'm the boss...
84
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:51,568
And now the boss is going
to look at a little television.
85
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:58,074
Ooh, I think the boss
will answer the door.
86
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,834
Hey, Lamont, your
young lady is here!
87
00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,883
Hi!
88
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,340
Hi...
89
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:14,724
Uh, he just went upstairs
to get out of his ascot.
90
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:15,992
He'll be right down.
91
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:17,460
Who?
92
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,696
Lamont. That's who
you came to see, isn't it?
93
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,631
Why, no, Ducky.
94
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,634
I'm here to see you.
95
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,503
Uh, wait a minute.
I don't understand.
96
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,805
You mean you came to see me?
97
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:31,174
Well, if the mountain
won't come to Mohammed,
98
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:33,343
then Mohammed will
come to the mountain.
99
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:39,349
So here I am... Your
little Miss Mohammed.
100
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:40,383
Oh, no, no. Wait, wait.
101
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:41,584
Wait a minute.
102
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,219
Now, you got to
tell me some more.
103
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,422
Now, is your name
really Miss Mohammed?
104
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,790
Are you a Muslim?
105
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:49,158
No, silly.
106
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,361
You mean you don't remember?
107
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:54,698
It's Betty, Betty Hairston.
108
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,898
Ain't you going to offer me
109
00:05:55,922 --> 00:05:58,368
a little taste of something?
110
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:01,538
Oh, yeah, sure.
What would you like?
111
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:03,406
Well, for sentimental reasons,
112
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:05,709
why don't we have
what we had that night...
113
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,711
boilermakers.
114
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:11,581
Boilermakers? We
had boilermakers?
115
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:14,283
Yeah, a shot of bourbon
and a glass of beer.
116
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,119
We had about 14 of them,
117
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:21,090
and we never once
stirred from that booth.
118
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,692
Oh, if I'd have had 14 beers,
119
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,916
I would've stirred
at least once.
120
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,966
We was in a booth?
121
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,133
Uh-huh.
122
00:06:31,157 --> 00:06:32,168
Yeah?
123
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:34,537
Are we going to
have some drinks?
124
00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,406
Oh... Yeah, yeah. Sure.
125
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:39,876
I'll get us a couple of beers.
126
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,767
You do that, honey.
127
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:47,817
Betty. Betty Hairston.
128
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:51,654
Betty... Betty Hairston?
129
00:06:51,678 --> 00:06:54,023
Wow.
130
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,025
Where was I?
131
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:59,295
And what did I do?
132
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:04,389
Oh, Lord. I hope this
isn't a paternity suit.
133
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,450
Come on, sit down.
134
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:24,120
Don't be scared. Come on.
135
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:28,124
You naughty thing, I
should be angry at you.
136
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,560
We had a date to meet
there again tonight.
137
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,295
We did? Where?
138
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,064
At Fancy Dan's Bar and Grill.
139
00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:36,499
It's a good thing you told me
140
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:39,402
about your business,
Sanford and Son,
141
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:42,138
or I never would've
known where to find you.
142
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,973
Remember now?
143
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,141
You remember.
144
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:47,243
Oh, you dog.
145
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:50,246
I should have known
right from the start.
146
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:53,071
You think I'm Fred Sanford.
147
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,956
You think... you see,
I'm not Fred Sanford.
148
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:00,990
No?
149
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,258
No.
150
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:05,995
Who are you, darling,
Laurence Olivier?
151
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:10,366
Oh, Fred, I could never
forget that scraggly beard,
152
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:13,202
or that cologne
you were wearing.
153
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:17,507
What was it?
Brut, mm, that's it.
154
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:21,845
And you smelled
like a brute that night.
155
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:24,146
You rubbed your scraggly beard
156
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,281
against my face,
157
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,249
and I remember
thinking to myself
158
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:32,254
Brillo never, ever felt so good.
159
00:08:32,278 --> 00:08:34,757
Yeah, yeah, but, please.
160
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,181
I mean, my leg
is going to sleep.
161
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,966
Now, listen, Miss Horse-ton.
162
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:43,967
Hairston.
163
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,134
Yeah, well, whatever it is,
164
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:48,671
uh, look, you see, I
am not Fred Sanford.
165
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:49,973
He's in St. Louis.
166
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,308
He went there to attend
his cousin's funeral
167
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,710
and to be with his family,
168
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,845
and he told me to
just stay around here
169
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,147
and take charge of the
house while he was away.
170
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:01,450
The man you're really
looking for is in St. Louis.
171
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,609
You are the cutest little liar.
172
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,224
Are all those other things
173
00:09:08,248 --> 00:09:10,226
you said to me
that night lies too?
174
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,728
What things?
175
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:15,398
About how you were a
hero during World War II?
176
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,166
How they dropped you
behind the enemy lines
177
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:21,392
and you posed as
a Japanese soldier?
178
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,340
Oh, well, you see,
179
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:27,610
Fred Sanford is
shorter than I am,
180
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:30,914
so he could be mistaken
for a Japanese soldier,
181
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:34,083
but I could never be
taken for no Japanese.
182
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,953
Chinese maybe, but not Japanese.
183
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,287
Now, Fred,
184
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:40,590
you've got to stop
playing games with me.
185
00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,792
I think I know
186
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,727
why you're trying
to deny everything.
187
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,162
I am not Fred.
188
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,531
But you can't get out of it.
189
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,632
Get out of what?
190
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:52,936
You proposed to me.
191
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,137
I did?
192
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:56,472
I mean, he did?
193
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,374
You certainly did,
194
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:01,010
and I remember just
how you did it too.
195
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:04,313
Oh, it was so cute.
196
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:09,752
You said, "Freddy
is ready for Betty."
197
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,287
Wait, wait a minute.
198
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,824
I mean, no, no, no, look...
199
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,927
Hey, no, no. No, just...
just wait a minute, Beady...
200
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,528
Betty.
201
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:20,563
Yeah, well, whatever it is.
202
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,499
Now, I'm telling
you for the last time,
203
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,402
now, I am not Fred Sanford,
204
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:27,737
but even if I was,
205
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,538
what would it take
for me to get you
206
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:30,673
to leave me alone?
207
00:10:30,697 --> 00:10:32,541
You need some
money or something?
208
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,933
How about some food stamps?
209
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:38,014
Or maybe you'd like
210
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,716
something out of the junkyard?
211
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,017
Sure, go ahead,
212
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,252
take anything out of
the junkyard you want.
213
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:45,187
There ain't but
one thing I want.
214
00:10:45,211 --> 00:10:47,924
That's Y-O-U.
215
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,792
I want you, Freddy.
216
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,393
No, no, you don't.
217
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:53,730
No, no, no! Help! Help!
218
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,699
Hey, Lamont! Lamont, help me!
219
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,601
What is it? What is it?
220
00:10:58,625 --> 00:10:59,869
What's going on down here?
221
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:02,639
Hey... oh, thank
goodness you're still here.
222
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,974
Now, look, this
lady was out drinking
223
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,275
with your father one night,
224
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:08,811
and she claims that
he proposed to her,
225
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:11,380
and now she's saying
that I'm Fred Sanford.
226
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,750
For Pete's sakes, will you
please tell her who I am?
227
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,152
Oh, sure, that's easy.
228
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,487
He's the boss, Fred Sanford.
229
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,056
I'll see you later, Pop.
230
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:26,462
No... Oh... I'm
going to get you.
231
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,966
No, no, no. No, no, no...
232
00:11:33,826 --> 00:11:35,694
Hey, morning, Grady.
233
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,378
I said, "Good morning, Grady."
234
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,080
Hey, you shouldn't do that.
235
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,614
You scared me to death.
236
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,516
What happened
last night after I left?
237
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,986
Because when I got
home, you was asleep.
238
00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:51,387
Well, how come
you didn't stay around
239
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:52,789
to tell that lady who I was?
240
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,490
You could've
cleared everything up.
241
00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:55,692
No, I couldn't do that, Grady.
242
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,293
You kicked me out
of my own house
243
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:59,762
because you said you
were the boss, remember?
244
00:11:59,786 --> 00:12:01,764
Yeah, well, you sure
left me in a bad spot.
245
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:03,299
Hey, how'd you get
rid of her, anyway?
246
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,101
Well, when your
father gets in trouble,
247
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,705
he either has arthritis
or a heart attack,
248
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,473
and I had them both,
249
00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:15,511
plus a severe case
of abdominal cramps.
250
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,379
You mean gas, don't you?
251
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,083
Yeah. Hey, listen,
you better stick around
252
00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:21,784
in case that lady comes back,
253
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:23,953
and then you can
tell her who I am.
254
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,154
Uh, I'd like to do that,
255
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,056
but I've got to make a
pick-up with the truck.
256
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,858
I'd like to stick around
here, but you know...
257
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,093
Hey, wait a minute.
258
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:33,329
You can't leave me
in a spot like this.
259
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,331
What if she comes back?
What am I gonna do?
260
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,733
What am I gonna say to her?
261
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:37,734
I tell you what, Grady.
262
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,368
Why don't you
try to stall her off
263
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,537
for a few days
until Pop gets back,
264
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,107
and then he'll think of
something to tell her.
265
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,742
But suppose she
doesn't want to wait?
266
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:48,911
In that case, congratulations.
267
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,613
Hey, hey. Hey, wait a minute.
268
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:52,548
Hey, hey, hey, I need help,
269
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,350
and you're the only
one that can help me,
270
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,909
and my abdominal
cramps are coming back.
271
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:05,261
I need help bad.
272
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,430
Oh, I know what.
273
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,901
I'll call my lawyer
friend, Sonny Cochran.
274
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,871
Yeah, why didn't I
think of that before?
275
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:20,009
Yeah, I'll just call my friend
and have him come over here
276
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,813
and straighten this
whole thing out...
277
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:28,818
and if that doesn't work,
I'll call the National Guard.
278
00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:29,941
Hello. Sonny?
279
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,880
Goodbye, Sonny.
280
00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:42,431
Here I am, Fred.
Ready to move in.
281
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:46,202
Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
282
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,105
You didn't say nothing
about no moving in here.
283
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,507
Well, we're getting
married anyway, Fred.
284
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:55,711
Besides, I'm one of
them free-thinking women,
285
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:58,602
you know what I mean, Fred?
286
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:00,683
Hey, hey, listen, now.
287
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:01,918
You didn't believe me last night
288
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,319
when I was trying to tell you,
289
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,887
but maybe you'll
believe me today.
290
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:07,056
You see, my name
is not Fred Sanford.
291
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,959
My name is, uh, uh, uh, um...
292
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,394
Yeah... Grady
Wilson. There it is.
293
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,830
Now do you believe me?
294
00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:16,933
My ex-husband had an alias too.
295
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:19,202
What were you in for?
296
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,471
Now, listen, Miss
Hairpin... Hairston.
297
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,241
Yeah, well, why
won't you believe me?
298
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,409
Because I think
you're just scared
299
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:28,744
about getting married again,
300
00:14:28,768 --> 00:14:30,612
but you'll get over it.
301
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:34,873
I'm going to make you
real happy, you'll see.
302
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,723
Ooh!
303
00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:44,849
I sure do like this
nice big kitchen.
304
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,598
You know what
would be nice, Fred?
305
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,933
No. What would be nice?
306
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:53,936
If we went to Fancy
Dan's Bar and Grill tonight,
307
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,406
and we sat in the same booth
where you proposed to me.
308
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,775
I bet if you had a
few boilermakers,
309
00:14:59,799 --> 00:15:05,748
it would all come back to you,
and you'd stop being so weird.
310
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:07,850
Huh?
311
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:11,009
We'd be lovey-dovey again.
312
00:15:12,979 --> 00:15:16,092
Yeah... yeah.
313
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,860
Yeah, and I bet
314
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:20,829
it would all come back
to you too, wouldn't it?
315
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:22,731
I'll bet it would.
316
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,500
Well, well, listen, now,
317
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,402
we don't have to
wait until tonight.
318
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,606
We can have us a
couple of drinks right now.
319
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,474
Now? Sure.
320
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:33,475
This early?
321
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:34,743
Why not?
322
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,779
Okay. I ain't had no breakfast.
323
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,615
I'll have some
cornflakes and beer.
324
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:40,816
Naw, hey, wait a minute, now.
325
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,785
You don't want to spoil
it with no cornflakes,
326
00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,554
and I've got something
better than beer.
327
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,156
Now, why don't
you just have a seat
328
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,892
over here, darling, and
make yourself comfortable,
329
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,194
and I'll step right
over here to the bar,
330
00:15:52,218 --> 00:15:54,563
and make us a
little drinky-winky.
331
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:58,600
Now you're beginning to sound
like the Fred I knew that night.
332
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:01,003
Oh, yeah, and
before it's all over,
333
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:04,273
you're going to think
you're re-living that night
334
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,507
all over again.
335
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:09,645
Ooh, you going to
take advantage of me?
336
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,814
Am I going to take
advantage of you?
337
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,918
Now, you just
check that bottle out
338
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:18,187
and see if that's
not the stuff...
339
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:22,191
Is better than that stuff
that we had that night,
340
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,960
and now you'll see
341
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,462
that I'm going first
class all the way.
342
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:27,863
Just check it out carefully,
343
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:30,166
and I'm going to do everything
344
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,900
that we did that night.
345
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,669
Oh, you devil.
346
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,704
Yeah, that's me.
347
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,873
You're going to
revel with the devil.
348
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,097
Ooh!
349
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,012
All right...
350
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:46,115
And by the time I
get through with you,
351
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,517
you're going to
need The Exorcist.
352
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,408
Ooh!
353
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,457
Now, what should we drink to?
354
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:59,628
Oh, let's drink to us,
to Betty and Freddy.
355
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,953
To Betty and Freddy.
356
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:11,474
To, uh... Sanford and Son.
357
00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,109
To Sanford and Son!
358
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,133
Yeah.
359
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:23,652
Uh, to, uh... Sears and Roebuck.
360
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:26,810
To Sears and Roebuck.
361
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:36,020
To, uh... Haldeman
and Erlichman.
362
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:43,227
To Haldeman and
Erlichmunamunamun.
363
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:52,915
To, uh... You going
too fast for me. Woo!
364
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:54,350
Well, I just want to make sure
365
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:57,219
that we do everything
like we did it that night.
366
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,488
Now, what did we do?
367
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:03,325
Oh, there was a slow
tune playing on the jukebox,
368
00:18:03,349 --> 00:18:06,295
and you asked me to dance.
369
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:07,496
Aw, shucks, you mean
370
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,765
one of those belly-rubbing kind?
371
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,767
That's it.
372
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,669
Well, come on.
373
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:14,892
Okay.
374
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:27,083
All right. Come
right on over here.
375
00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:29,751
Let me take you into the parlor,
376
00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:34,845
and...
377
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,435
What's the matter?
378
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,970
Something's wrong.
379
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,672
Something is definitely wrong.
380
00:18:50,696 --> 00:18:52,774
Yeah? What is it?
381
00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,344
You were a lot
shorter that night.
382
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:56,345
I was?
383
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,846
And fatter.
384
00:18:57,870 --> 00:18:58,914
Yeah?
385
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,549
And your beard
wasn't so scraggly,
386
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:02,706
and you smelled better.
387
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,111
You ain't Fred Sanford.
388
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:11,749
That's Fred Sanford.
389
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,433
Huh?
390
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,869
That's right.
391
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,871
That's Fred Sanford.
392
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:26,142
She's all yours, Fred.
393
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,943
What's the matter
with you, Grady?
394
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:28,944
Freddy, come here.
395
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:30,613
What's the matter
with you, lady?
396
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:31,913
What's the matter
with her, Grady?
397
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:34,250
Grady, what's the
matter with her?
398
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,451
Grady, what's the
matter with her?
399
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:37,553
Lady, what's the
matter with you?
400
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:39,721
Oh, Freddy.
401
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:42,191
Open this door, Fred Sanford!
402
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,792
I'll have the law on you!
403
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,927
I'll sue you for
breach of promise!
404
00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:48,730
You'll be sorry, Fred Sanford!
405
00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:50,999
Hey, that woman is
either crazy or drunk.
406
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,470
A little of the first and
a lot of the second.
407
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:57,072
How did she get so crocked
408
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,607
this early in the morning?
409
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,876
Well, you see, that was
part of my game plan.
410
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,844
Now, I figured if
I got her as drunk
411
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,613
as she was the night
412
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,014
that she was out
with your father,
413
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,983
then she would remember
414
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:10,052
that I was not Fred Sanford.
415
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:12,488
Well, how come she
thought I was Fred Sanford?
416
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:16,758
Well, like you said, she's
either crazy or drunk.
417
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,329
Uh-oh, there she is again.
418
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,464
Now, if that's her,
419
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:24,266
I'm going to call the police.
420
00:20:24,290 --> 00:20:26,001
That's a good idea, Grady.
421
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,891
It is the police.
422
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,608
Hey, how you doing,
Grady? Lamont.
423
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,677
Hey, Smitty, Hoppy,
What's happening?
424
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,212
That's what we
want to know, man.
425
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:37,779
Now, this lady flagged us down
426
00:20:37,803 --> 00:20:40,449
and said someone in here
was giving her a problem.
427
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,783
Let me elucidate on that.
428
00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:45,421
The complainant here
charges that a party
429
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,022
residing at this residence
430
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:49,458
reneged on a mutually
agreed-upon contract
431
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,926
by misrepresentation
432
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,718
and thereby precipitated
a breach of faith.
433
00:20:55,555 --> 00:21:00,236
She said one of you guys
was trying to rip her off.
434
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:02,404
Well, look, let me explain...
435
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,873
That's him. That's him.
That's Fred Sanford.
436
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:06,375
Uh, no, lady, he's
not Fred Sanford.
437
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,577
Then he's Fred Sanford.
438
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,145
No, not him either.
439
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,481
Well, somebody in
here is Fred Sanford,
440
00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:14,950
and I want satisfaction.
441
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:16,151
That's what we're
here for, madam.
442
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:17,219
The police will give
443
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:18,487
protection and satisfaction
444
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:19,521
to every citizen,
445
00:21:19,545 --> 00:21:21,557
regardless of
age, color, or sex.
446
00:21:21,581 --> 00:21:26,495
I just want
satisfaction, no sex.
447
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:27,963
Hey, uh...
448
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:29,765
Smitty, can I talk
to you for a sec?
449
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,166
Man, what's going on
around here, anyway?
450
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,901
First, the lady came in here
451
00:21:32,925 --> 00:21:35,070
insisting that my pop
asked her to marry him,
452
00:21:35,094 --> 00:21:36,272
and then she was saying
453
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,839
that Grady here
was Fred Sanford,
454
00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:40,075
and then she said
I was Fred Sanford.
455
00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:41,710
She's as nutty as a fruitcake.
456
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:43,279
She's as nutty as a fruitcake.
457
00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:46,548
Man, your pop sure knows
how to pick them, don't he?
458
00:21:46,572 --> 00:21:48,717
Well, maybe I can
straighten her out.
459
00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:49,918
You see, ma'am, under our system
460
00:21:49,942 --> 00:21:51,119
of jurisprudence,
461
00:21:51,143 --> 00:21:52,954
a man is innocent
until proven guilty,
462
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,456
whereas in the gulag...
463
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,057
Could I say something?
464
00:21:56,081 --> 00:21:58,727
Oh, of course. Officer
Smith will carry on.
465
00:21:58,751 --> 00:22:01,196
Uh, carry on, Officer Smith.
466
00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:04,633
See, lady, there's
been a big mistake.
467
00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,201
Now, I know both
of these gentlemen,
468
00:22:06,225 --> 00:22:08,236
and neither one of
them is Fred Sanford.
469
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:11,307
Okay, okay, okay.
470
00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:14,042
Does Fred Sanford live here?
471
00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:16,278
Yes, ma'am, Fred
Sanford lives here.
472
00:22:16,302 --> 00:22:18,146
And neither one of
them is Fred Sanford?
473
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:21,517
Neither one of them
is Fred Sanford.
474
00:22:21,541 --> 00:22:23,907
Then you're Fred Sanford.
475
00:22:26,612 --> 00:22:28,957
Uh, no, lady, I'm not
Fred Sanford either.
476
00:22:28,981 --> 00:22:30,292
You sure?
477
00:22:30,316 --> 00:22:31,360
I'm sure.
478
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:32,628
And I can attest to that, madam.
479
00:22:32,652 --> 00:22:33,895
This is Officer Smith,
480
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:36,732
as fine a man as
we have on the force.
481
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,234
Well, if you're
not Fred Sanford,
482
00:22:39,258 --> 00:22:42,192
and neither one of
them is Fred Sanford...
483
00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:50,011
Then that leaves you.
You're Fred Sanford.
484
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:52,614
Oh, no, madam. I
couldn't be Fred Sanford.
485
00:22:52,638 --> 00:22:53,915
She thinks I'm...
486
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:56,907
I'm of the Caucasian persuasion.
487
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:06,795
He's a white dude.
488
00:23:06,819 --> 00:23:08,597
Come on, lady,
we'll drive you home.
489
00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:12,601
Well, where is Fred
Sanford? I want satisfaction.
490
00:23:12,625 --> 00:23:13,935
Well, you'll find satisfaction
491
00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:16,037
riding in our
experimental squad car.
492
00:23:16,061 --> 00:23:17,773
It's got individual
reclining bucket seats.
493
00:23:17,797 --> 00:23:19,608
It's got steel-belted
radial tires,
494
00:23:19,632 --> 00:23:21,410
runs on natural gas,
495
00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:23,200
and talk about comfort...
496
00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:30,185
When my pop gets back here, man,
497
00:23:30,209 --> 00:23:31,987
I'm really going to
have to talk to him.
498
00:23:32,011 --> 00:23:33,154
What a morning.
499
00:23:33,178 --> 00:23:34,956
What a morning...
500
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:36,224
you know, I don't ever drink
501
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:37,593
at this time in the morning,
502
00:23:37,617 --> 00:23:39,661
but I think I need
me a little taste.
503
00:23:39,685 --> 00:23:41,129
Yeah.
504
00:23:41,153 --> 00:23:43,265
Hey, wait a minute,
Grady. What are you doing?
505
00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:44,500
That's a gasoline can.
506
00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:46,802
Don't tell me you're
drinking gas now?
507
00:23:46,826 --> 00:23:50,528
After an experience like
that, I can take anything.
508
00:24:13,820 --> 00:24:15,864
Sanford and Son
is recorded on tape
509
00:24:15,888 --> 00:24:17,855
before a live studio audience.
35899
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