All language subtitles for The Ups and Downs of a Handyman [1976]

(engine revving)

(phone ringing)

(moans)

- Blast, who the hell can that be?

Hang on.

God, where is the bloody--
(moans)

Hello!

- Oh!

You don't have to shout at me,
I'm not deaf.

Is my daughter there, may I
have a word with her, please?

What's the matter, are you there, Bob?

Bob, what's the matter with you?

Aren't you up yet?

You shouldn't be in bed doing
nothing, you should be

doing something productive.
(Bob giggles)

You're breathing very
heavily, have you got a cold?

Hope you're not giving it
to Margaretta.

May I speak to her, please?

- Bloody marvelous, we've
only been married 24 hours

and already she wants an on-the-spot
report of our sex life.

Charming.

Here, she wants you anyway.

- Hello, Mummy.

- Hello, darling, is everything all right?

Bob sounded so strange.

You know what it is, he smokes too much.

You must try to get him to give it up.

And tell him to take more
exercise, he sounded terrible.

- Oh, don't be silly, Mummy,
Bob's as strong as a bull

and he's getting plenty of exercise.

- Good, I'm very glad
to hear it, keep him at it,

and don't let him slack.

- Oh, he won't, not for awhile, anyway.

What did you want, Mummy?

- Well, are you coming?

- Pardon?

- Are you coming shopping,

I want to buy you that wedding present.

- Oh, well I, I don't (gasping),

because I can't, um, mum.

- Margaretta, for goodness sake,

it sounds as though you've got it, too.

What do you mean you can't?

Are you telling me that he won't let you?

Are you under him already?

- Mmm, I mean, no, no, but, no, Mummy,

yes, Mummy, I'm, please.

- Oh, good, cause I've got
some wonderful news for you.

And Bob, which I'll tell
you when you come around.

- Oh no, come on,
Mummy, tell me, what is it?

- Tell her you'll call her back.

- Well, you remember Aunt
Emily who died last month?

- Of course, I do.

- She's left you her cottage.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Just think, you'll
beable to live rent-free,

no mortgage or anything.

- Oh, it's too much.

- Well, I hope you realize
how lucky you are

to be getting all that for nothing.

No wonder you're sounding so excited.

Still, so should I if I
were getting it, too.

- Oh, you'd love to be having it
(gasps).

- Well, I'll tell you what.

- I'd better be going because
I'm coming, I'm com,

no, I'm sorry, I'll see you at the shop.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

- Mother?

(folksy guitar music)

(cows mooing)

- Hi, have any luck?

- Oh, well there's no bloody
industry at all around here.

All the decent jobs are miles away,

but got no car for that.

- Well, I've been thinking, I mean,

look at what you've done to this cottage,

you're so clever at doing
that kind of thing.

Why don't you go down to
the village and offer some of those

rich people your services?

I'm sure they'll want
some odd jobs doing.

- Well how do you
propose I go about that?

Go around knocking on people's doors

with a hammer and a bag of nails?

- (laughs) Advertise.

- Advertise as what?

- As a handyman, silly.

- Oh, yeah, I suppose I could, couldn't I?

* Take me on for awhile

* I'll soon be makin' you smile

* What's with all of you people

* Won't you give it a try

* I'm sayin' that I've been around

* People keep puttin' me down

* But I've got nothing to lose, now

* I'm still workin' the town

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile I can make you frown

* Oh, don't you know

* There's just one way to go

* Oh, don't you know

* You know you want to go

* Wouldn't you like to be me

* Look me over and see

* Look at all of your faces

* Cryin' with jealousy

* I can make you feel good

* Or I can make you feel bad

* But there ain't no good in tryin'

* Giving back what I've had

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile I can make you frown

* Oh, don't you know

* There's just one way to go

* Oh, don't you know

* You know you want to go

* Wouldn't you like to be me

* Look me over and see

* Look at all of your faces

* Cryin' with jealousy

* I can make you feel good

* I can make you feel bad

* But there ain't no good in tryin'

* Giving back what I've had

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile I can make you frown

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown *

(bells ring)

- Oh, good morning, love.

- Morning.

- Can you stick these in the
windows for us, please?

- Yes, sir.
- [Bob] Cheers.

- Oh, how interesting, a handyman.

Are you any good?

- Well, my wife thinks so, yeah.

- I'll bet she does,
10 pence please, sir.

- Oh, right.

Oh, hate these pockets.

All right, there we go.
- [Clerk] Thank you.

- [Bob] Well, hope that does
the trick and I get

some interesting jobs, eh?

- Yes, I hope so, too.

- See ya.

- See ya, don't work too hard,
yet, anyway.

(gasp)
- Sorry, love.

- Don't worry, quite enjoyed it.

(light romantic music)

- Good morning, madam.

- Good morning, um I wonder if I could

place this card in your window.

- Why, certainly, madam.

Thank you, oh, I see
you're a teacher, then.

A very attractive one,
too, if I may say so.

- Ooh (laughing),
you may, thank you.

- Oxford, Harrow,
lot of experience, then.

Are you a blue?

- Well, I could be, if
required I suppose, yeah.

- (laughs) Yes, yes, well,
that'll be 10 pence, please.

- Oh, good, well, I hope
it's worth the expense.

I like my pupils well advanced.

- Of course.

Yes, I'll, excuse me,

I'll just put this in the window for you.

- Goodbye.
- [Clerk] Goodbye, miss.

- [Lady] Goodbye, again.
- Goodbye, miss.

- I've run out of cigarettes.

(bell rings)

(chatter and laughter)

(bell rings)

(bell rings)

- Your cigar, thank you, sir.

(bell rings)

(buffoonish music)

(clown horn honks)

- Oh, that smells good.

- Mmm, well, I've got to build you up.

- I can't think why.

- Oh, don't be silly, darling,
something will turn up.

- I'm sorry, love, just
I'm feeling a bit fed up.

I mean, we've been here a month now

and nothing seems to
be going right, nothing.

- Oh, I know, darling, but
look it's not every couple

that's got a lovely cottage
left them by an aunt.

You'll see, soemthing'll turn up.

Perhaps your card'll do some good.

- Yeah, perhaps.

* Another day is just beginning

* And you're on the move again

* Don't you think you should be happy

* If you're sure about your friends

* Oh, oh
* You know you want to go

* And put yourself on show

* Oh, oh
* But don't you be a fool

* You gotta play it cool

* Don't you know they might
just let you down

* Now I guess you're feeling sorry

* 'Bout the things you just can't mend

* I know it's hard but don't you worry

* You're gonna make it
in the end * Oh, oh

* Get out and start again

* Get out and meet your friends

* Oh, oh * Then you're gonna see

* How things are gonna be

* Don't you waste your time now bein' slow

* Another day is here again

* You're on your way to make amends

* Don't hang around or it's the end

* Of love and happiness
* And things

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Wayne?

- Course not, silly, come in.

- Oh, thanks.

- Sit down.

- Oh, thanks.

- Um, Mrs. Wayne is in the bath.

That's why we sent for you.

Drink?

- Yeah.

- Scotch?

- Very nice, thank you.

- Well, you see, every
time she empties the bath,

water somehow gurgles, splatters,

and comes back through the overflow.

We can go and have a look
at it when she's ready.

Here's your drink.

- Thanks a lot.

You're the girl from the news
agent's aren't you?

- Mmm, Daddy owns the shop.

- Oh, I see.

- Do you know he does amateur
photography as well.

- Mmm.
- [Clerk] I pose for him.

- Do you?

- Well, not nude, I mean I
couldn't do that, could I?

- What?

- Pose nude.

- Oh, no, no, I suppose not.

- Well, not with Daddy, anyway.

I hope you're going to be good.

- Sorry?

- Well, I recommended you
to Mrs. Wayne

who's in the bath upstairs.

- Oh, that's very kind of you.

But um, how do you know
I'll be any good?

- Instinct, experience.

- You've had a lot
of handymen then have you?

- I beg your pardon?

- I mean, you have a lot of
handymen advertising

in your shop window?

- No, you're the first.

Well she must be ready now.

Have you got your drink with you?

- No, love, I left it down there.

- Well, don't worry, I'll get
you a stronger one later.

Got the right tool with you?

- Yeah, everything here.

- Now, when we get to the
bathroom, you pull it out?

- What?
- [Clerk] The plug,

then let's see what happens.

- Oh, good morning!

Mrs. Wayne, I presume?

(swinging music)

(buffoonish music)

Ah, Jesus.

- Having trouble, sir?

- It's these bikes, you see, officer.

Well they're really difficult to steer

until you've got up to speed

and my pedal power seems to have left me.

- Well you shouldn't have been
in charge of the vehicle then

in your state.

- No, no, I'm allright, officer, really.

It's just I've had a bath,
I mean repaired a bath

plug, tap!

I mean, what happened you see, in there,

when you empty the bath, the sink fills,

when you empty the sink,

it doesn't. - Oh, it doesn't?

Obviously a case of a complete breakdown.

- Well that's what I thought, see, well,

when I went my plunger
in, it didn't happen,

because they grabbed me plunger,

and well, sort of--

- I was referring to you sir, not the bath.

- Uh, I've had it, officer.

- It looks as though you have.

I suggest you go home and do a complete

plumbing job on yourself.

- [Bob] What?
- Dry yourself out, sir.

So that's our new handyman
(chortles)

Heaven help us.

- Maggie!

Maggie?

Now, where the hell are you?

- [Maggie] I'm upstairs.

- Where?

- [Maggie] In the bath.

- Oh, God.

- What on Earth happened to you?

- Yeah, well, the less said
about that the better, eh?

- Well, what happened to your
clothes, they're soaking wet.

- Come on, take them off and
jump in the bath with me.

- No, no, I can't, I must
get down to Elgin farm.

- Oh, come on, it's very sexy,
what can be better

than two people naked
in a bath together?

- Three?
- [Maggie] What?

- Three jobs to do today and
I'm getting nowhere.

- Oh, come on, I really
feel in the mood, please?

- No, I can't, I really can't.

- Fred, it's half-day closing,
I'm trying to get away,

why do you always come in
here when I'm closed?

- Well, I can't be
seen looking at these,

these books for obscenity

with the public present,
now can I?

- Now, that's what you always
say, now come on Fred,

you won't find any obscenity here.

- [Fred] Mmm, pity.
- [Arthur] Hmm?

- I'm just doing
my duty, Arthur,

protecting the citizens
from moral decline.

Look at that brazen hussy.

Oh, that's a flasher
if I ever saw one.

Disgraceful.

Thank goodness we haven't anybody
like her in the village.

- Yes, yes, all right Fred, that's fine,

now come on, come on,
out, out, out.

Fred, the book please unless
you're keeping it for evidence.

- Oh, I don't want this filth.

- How would you like me?

- (laughs) Well,
I thought I'd like to take

a nice art study.

- Oh, all right.

- I'll get ready.

(manic comical music)

There you are, Arthur,
now you fix the lights.

- The lights, yes, fix the
lights, uh, oh yes.

Ohh!

(manic comical music)

- Now what?

How's that?

- Perhaps another button?

- Oh, Arthur, you are a naughty man.

(both laugh)

- And, uh, perhaps a little leg?

- How's that?

- Well, now, I wonder, do you think we,

could we be a little more daring?

- How do you mean?

- Could you take your skirt off?

- All right, but you turn your back first.

- All right.

- You may turn around now.

Is this all right?

- It's wonderful.

- Well, when are you going
to take a photo?

- I've got to get everything right.

There's an art in taking
a good photograph.

Oh, oh.

- Well, I'm sure you know best.

- That's right my dear.

- Are you ready now?

Well, what do you think?

- Uh, I'm not sure.

- Well, suppose I took my blouse off.

- Yes, yes, I think that would work.

- Think you're ready now?

- I'll have a look.

- Well, Arthur?

- I'm still not happy.

- Well, what do you think
I should do?

- What do you think?

- Well, perhaps I should
take everything off.

- That would help,
yes, yes, that would be it.

- All right.

(manic comical music)

- That's it, that's it.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

- Hang on, Arthur.

You need this to flash with.

(flash blows up)

(cows mooing)

- Hello.

Are you looking for something?

- Uh, yeah, Elgin farm, love?

I've been chasin' around
all over the place,

but there are no sign
posts or anything.

- Well, I think you've, uh,

found what you're looking for,
haven't you?

Or haven't you?

- I beg your pardon?

- Elgin Farm, that's what
you're looking for, isn't it?

- Uh, yeah, that's right,
I'm a bit late already.

- Hmm, you must be the new handyman.

- That's right, yeah.

- I bet Mummy can't wait to meet you.

- Come on, I'll show you.

- No, no, hang on there.

Don't you think you'd
better get dressed first?

- What's the matter, don't
you like me the way I am?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, nice.

But, uh, well, uh, it's just
I don't think you're mother

would like me turning up with
you dressed like that, do you?

- Mmm, maybe you're right, she
is a bit of an old dragon.

- Hang on, don't I need my tools?

- Your tools, I suppose you
can't do anything

without them, can you?

- Oh.

- Right, here you are,
then, this is the barn

that mummy wants cleaned out.

- Oh, fine, I'll get started then.

Oh, I see, have you got anything

I can shift all this hay with?

- Of course, the pitchfork.

- Oh, right.

- Have you always been a handyman then?

- Oh, no, love, uh, I was in
the navy for a bit, actually.

- In the navy, gosh, a sailor.

I'm going to London
soon to become a dancer.

I'm going to have my own
act, and will drive men wild

and meet film stars and beautiful people.

- Oh, very nice for ya.

- You don't believe me, do you?

Well I'll show you that I can.

* So you want to be a rich girl

* Livin' like a lady bird

* With riches like the Queen of Sheba

* Or maybe the Queen of the Nile

* There's a long hard way to go now

* So you'd better start thinkin' fast

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh

- Sorry Fred.

Oh, you're looking worried,
too, is there something wrong?

- There may be, on the other
hand, there may not be.

- Well, I'm just on my way
to try and stop it.

There's plenty of it about, you know.

- It's breaking out everywhere.

Any stopping to be done,
I'll stop it.

- Yeah, but you know
what starts it off.

- Can't put my finger on it,
Charlie, but I don't trust him.

- I can't think why, he's
never let me down before.

And all the cows really enjoy him.

- Well, he's proving himself
some handyman.

- Perhaps we should give him
a really strong injection.

I do know that we must keep him warm

and he must be well-attended to.

- He's well-attended to,

I just saw Polly drag him to the barn.

- Oh, well, if she looks after
him well, I don't mind.

Anyway, I can't just hang
around here all day,

I've got some seeds to sow.

- Well, as long as you're the
only one with that in mind.

- So long, Fred.

- Just a minute, Charlie,
Charlie, Charlie!

Oh!

- Oh, sorry, Fred.

Oh, by the way,
will you tell the missus,

if he's no good this afternoon
I'll have him put down

and I'll get her a new short
horn tomorrow.

So long. (Fred groans)

- It's no use pretending to work,
I know I'm turning you on.

* Oh but listen to what I'm sayin'

* And don't you let yourself go down

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh now

* You say you want to
be Queen of the screen

* And go pretty far *
And drive a big car

- Look, look, I'm sorry,

you mustn't think this is
anything to do with me.

I mean, it was her and I,
I mean, no, no, not me.

That is, she was and I wasn't, see?

(buffoonish music)

(gasps in pain)

(pounding on door)

- I'm sorry about that,
is Mrs. Elgin around?

- No, nor Polly, they're in the
barn helping the handyman.

- I thought he was supposed
to be helping them.

I think I'll go and investigate.

(manic music)
(women giggling)

(Fred groans)
(lumber crashing)

- Get out of the way, I can't stop!

Oh, blimey, officer, I'm sorry, honest?

Here, up you get.

Brush your jacket down there

- Get off, maniac.

I'll have you,
dangerous driving, bad brakes,

faulty steering, hah,
and no seat belts.

- [Bob] But, officer--
- You should be locked up.

Handyman, I've never seen
you do anything handy yet.

I must warn you that
anything you say further--

- Oh no, Officer,
you've got it all wrong.

- Well, that's interesting.

- Uh, yes, see, we thought we
heard a tramp in the barn,

we searched for him, oh,
so sorry about this dress.

- Oh, reveal all, I mean,
tell me everything.

- Oh, well, then we thought
we heard a noise outside,

and this brave man came
out to investigate.

- Brave man?

- Officer, would you be a gentleman
and lend me your jacket,

and escort me back to the farmhouse?

[Fred] Of course, Madam.

I'm getting rather cold.

- [Fred] We must cover your
exposed br, eh, your bare,

you're bristol, uh, let's
put my coat around you,

let's get you home.

(sighs)

(yawns)

- How was it, love?

- Oh, pretty rough.

- Oh, you're not used to it,
that's your trouble.

Still, never mind, I've
brought you some nice chops.

Why don't we have an early night?

You eat that,
gotta keep your strength up,

and I'll just go up and have a bath.

Do you like it, darling?

Darling?

Darling?

(sighs) Darling.

- Hello everybody.
- [Voiceover] Hello.

- Oh, this is nice.

- Cocktail or your usual?

- Oh the usual, thank you.

Very relaxing, that's what I need,

rather a lot of relaxation at the moment.

Life's very frustrating.

Seem keeping fine though, thank you.

Mmm, I see you have a new maid.

- Yes, the squire found her actually.

She was up for some
minor offense or other.

So he sentenced her
to a good spanking,

put her in my custody for good behavior,

and said he never wanted to
see her up before him again.

She's given pretty good
service ever since.

- By the way, I hear you, uh,
exhausted our new handyman

the other day, Mary.

- Not me, it's when he
went over to the farm

when the trouble started, wasn't it, Jenny?

- Oh, I don't know about that.

But I hear you've booked
him now, Prudence.

- Anyone for another drink?

(phone ringing)

- [Bob] Oh, let it ring.

- [Maggie] Oh, we can't, darling.

Might be another job,
can't let people down.

Hello?

- [Voiceover]
Is that the handyman?

Could he call 'round this morning,

because I've got some odd
jobs that I'd like him to do?

- OK, I'll tell him, he'll
be up as soon as he can.

- [Voiceover] Thank you.
- [Maggie] Bye-bye.

- Who's that, hmm?

- It was the squire's wife,
she wants you to do a job.

I'll go make you some breakfast.

- Well,

can't be much harm in a squire's wife.

I hope.

- Bop, bop, bop, mmm, mmm, mmm.

So, what have you got
planned today, my dear?

- Oh, I've got the handyman
coming 'round to have a look

and do a few jobs.

- Well, don't let him keep
you gossiping all day long.

You know what old Gasper's like.

- Of course not, my dear.

- Yes, well, thank you, my dear,

oh, so sorry, my dear.

I'm always doing that.

Well, must go do a bit more hunting,

thank you so much my dear.
- [Prudence] Good luck.

- Bye (chuckles).

Oh.

(chuckles and hums)

(bouncy music)

(horses neigh)

(horn blaring)

(wheels squeaking)

(humming)

(door bell rings)

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bullsworthy?

- Yes, that's right, do come in.

- Oh, thanks very much.

This way is it?

- Go straight through.

(thundering hooves
and neighing horses)

(dogs barking)

You're new around here aren't you?

- Yeah, that's right,
we've just moved in

to that little cottage down
past the farm.

- Oh, I know, my husband rides
past your place.

- Oh, really?

- He says your wife could
do with a good spanking.

- What?

- Oh yes, my husband loves
spanking girls' bottoms.

- Does he?
- [Prudence] Especially

when he's out hunting.

- [Bob]
What, for girls' bottoms?

- No, foxes.
- [Bob] Oh.

- Mind you, he caught one
on the last hunt

hiding there right in the bushes.

- What, a fox?

- No, a girl, silly.

- Oh, I see.

- Well didn't she complain?

- Yes, she doesn't approve
of blood sports at all.

- No, no, I mean about the spanking.

- Oh, no, goes on the hunt every week now,

hides and waits for him to find her.

He's even got the dogs trained.

- Well, don't you complain?

- Only when he stops.

- [Bob] I see, you mean, he
has a go at you as well?

- Course he does, look I'll show you.

- [Bob] Oh, very nasty.

- Would you like a drink by the way?

- Yeah, yeah, why not.

- Well, come with me.

- You know, I'm gonna have trouble

with that new fellow who moved
into Mrs. Willit's cottage.

Can't even ride a bike properly.

A three-wheeled one at that.

Bloody dangerous he is.

- Oh, what makes you say that, dear?

- He practically ran me down
this morning.

Bashed into a barn and
ripped the clothes off

poor Mrs. Elgin.

- He did what?

- And he knocked on the squire's door,

bothering the squire's wife

before she even had time to get dressed.

- Oh, don't be silly, dear,

I'm sure he wasn't bothering her.

Most likely, she has
something she wants doing.

- Well, he wants should bedoing
something with that bike.

A lethal weapon, that's what it is.

He'll run into some
window with that one day,

that's for sure.

Parks it anywhere, he does.

Next time I catch him
I'll slap a ticket on it.

Obstructing an entrance,no
loading or unloading,

I'll get him.

- Don't be silly, dear, I'm
sure she's working him.

Very hard.

(laughing)

- Hello?

Yes, OK, I'll tell him.

Bye.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Uh, yes, OK.

(phone rings) Hello?

Here's some more calls for you, darling.

(phone ringing)

Hello, who?

OK, fine, all right.

Bye.

(singing opera)

(knock on door)

- Come in, it's open.

* Maisie, Maisie dear

* When you're very near

* All my feelings get confused

* Maisie can't you see
* What you do to me

* I can't get away from you

* Such a smile * What a smile

* Oh it turns me on

* Such a girl * What a girl

* The life is just a great big bowl of fun

* Maisie, you're too much

* Oh no, don't you touch

- Bloody hell, round the bloody bend.

- (gasps) Thank goodness!

You must be the handyman,
I need you desperately.

- You gotta be joking.

- I'm not, I've needed
you since last night.

- Last night?

- Yeah, that's when it happened.

Oh God, I hope he's all right.

- What happened, all right?

You're mad, you're all mad.

- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with me?

Well that's rich, that is.

Well what's wrong with you?

What's wrong with all of you?

You're maniacs,
the lot of you, but you,

blimey, you're not even
subtle about it.

- About what,
what are you talkin' about?

- The women around here, that's what.

- I don't understand you.

- Oh no?

Then, why'd you
ask me up here, then?

- Oh, I see, oh look, let's start
all over again, shall we?

You are the new handyman, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Good, well, can you mend
the bed for me?

- Oh.

I'm sorry, I really am, honest.

- Oh, it's all right, forget it.

Mind you, you had me
worried for a minute.

- (laughs) Well that
makes two of us, love.

- What's the problem?

- No, no, my mistake,
I was out of order,

as you say, forget it, eh?

- I think you need a
stiff drink, don't you?

- Well, I wouldn't say
no to a large scotch.

- One large scotch coming up.

- Smashing.

Blimey, this has had a right old hammering.

New legs on this side for starters.

- Glasses up.

- Oh, cheers (shouts).

(thundering crash)

- It's just not your day, is it?

(buffoonish music)

- I'm in uniform, dear.

Steady, cheerio, dear.

(folksy music)

(horn honks)

- Morning, mum.

- Half a gallon of your best, please.

- Half a gallon, won't
get very far on that.

- Wanna bet?

(folksy music)

- Oh, morning.

- Oh, how lucky.

You're the new handyman?

- Yeah.

- My car seems to have broken down.

- Well, I'm not very well up on cars.

- Please look at it for me,

I'm sure you maybe able to help.

- Oh, well, to tell you the truth, love,

motors really aren't in my line.

- I'm sure cars are just like women.

They need a man's
touch to get them going

- Oh, right.

Uh, is this the bonnet lever, love?

- No, see, it's the gear lever.

It opens there.

- Outstanding.

- Perhaps they require
some sort of adjustment.

- Yeah, yeah, perhaps.

Uh, listen, why don't I shoot
off down to the local garage,

maybe they can send someone up, eh?

- No, no, don't do that,
I'm sure we'll be able

to manage something between us.

Have a look underneath.

- Look, honest,
you've got the wrong man,

I really don't know what I'm doing.

- Never mind, have ago,
just for me, please.

- All right.

(buffoonish music)

Eh, looks all right to me.

Bit dirty, maybe.

But then, I don't know what
I'm looking for anyway,

and if I did, I wouldn't know
what to do if I found it.

- What, what did you say?

You found something?

- I said, oh blimey, it's
a bit dark down here,

I can't see much.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Fan belt.

- What?

- Fan belt, battery,
let's check battery.

- There you are, you see,
you are clever.

- Where is it?

- In the back.

- Maybe you're a bit flat.

- I hope not, I have it regularly serviced

and a good going over once a month.

- Yeah, well, you certainly
topped up all right.

What about the leads, where are the leads?

- There they are.

(both grunt)

What took you so long?

(laughs)

(buffoonish music)

(energetic music)

Mmm, I feel as though I'm floating on air.

Your hands are nice and soft,
I bet you use hand cream.

- No, it's the grease from the car.

- What, stop it, stop it.

- I don't understand, it was you--

- Not you, the car.

Do something, steer it.

(buffoonish music)

Steer it.

- I can't, the steering wheel's
the other end.

- Oh God, do something.

- Hang on, I'll turn on the hand brake.

Shit, where is it?

- See on the side, useless,
you call yourself a mechanic,

pull it, break.

- What, listen now, I
told you that I didn't

know anything about--.
- [Woman] Break.

No, the other side.

Break.

- I can't.

- That's the gear lever.

- What's that?

Huh, ho.

(sighs)

What a mess.

- Oh no.

- [Bob] Oh, yeah.

- No.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- No, it's the law.

- [Bob] What law?

- The police, you fool.

- Oh, morning Officer.

We seem to have had
a bit of an accident.

- I'm not surprised,
the position you're in.

Would you care to leave the
car before you have another?

And the lady, too.

Maniac, bloody dangerous.

You should be locked up.

And you will be once I'm finished with you.

For years, I hope.

Driving without due care and attention,

and exceeding the
speed limit in reverse.

- But Officer, I can explain.

- Damaging police property, and now,

threatening an officer
with an offensive weapon.

- Come off it, this is a gear lever,

it came off in me hand.

- Oh, faulty gear lever.

Has this car been M-O-T'd sir?

- Well, I don't know,

this lady was having
trouble getting started--

- I saw how you got her started.

- Now, listen, Constable,
I've had enough.

- I can see that, madam.

- Now look here, we were in the car--

- Committing an obsceneact
in a public place.

Attempting to drive a car
from the rear seat.

Right, sir, right, madam?

I must warn you that anything you say

will be taken down and may be
used in evidence against you.

Now, sir, madam, have you anything to say?

- Yes, your fly's open.

- My fly's open.

(horn honking)

(church bells ringing)

- Well, hello, what kept you?

- Sorry, madam, I've
um, just had a breakdown.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it
wasn't anything too serious.

I've got a lot for you to do.

- Oh no, I'm fine.

- Good, well, this is
going to be a surprise.

My husband doesn't know
anything about this.

- Really?

- Mmm, it's just a secret
between you and me.

- I see.

- Mmm, well, better come in then.

- Right.

Oh.

- Well,

here it is.

- What exactly do you want me
to do then?

- I want you to put it up.

- You what?

- The paint, I want you to
paint the ceiling.

- Oh, I see.

All right then, I'd better start then.

- I usually put it on the window sill.

- I beg your pardon?
- [Woman] The plank.

Move the ladder closer
and put the other end

on the window sill.

- Oh, if you say so.

- Well, it's the way my husband does it,

but he can't put anything up.

So, uh, I needed an expert.

Someone who knows what he's doing.

- Very sensible.

Well, as my old man used to
say, if a job's worth doin'.

- Yes?

- It's worth doing well, right?

- I quite agree.

- The wife thinks I'm
quite good at it, anyway.

- Oh well, she should know.

- Quite true, you should have
seen us over at our place.

We had to strip off everything
before we could start.

- Isn't that usual?

- Yeah, but I had a
terrible job getting it up.

- Oh, surely not, a big man like you?

- Well the wife helped of course.

- She sounds as if
she knows what she's doing.

- What do you fancy then?

- What do you suggest?

- Uh,

psychedelic?

- Oh, yes, that sounds interesting.

- Well, I think I got
enough here to do it with.

- Oh, I'm sure you have.

- Could you find something
I can stir the paint with?

- Oh, yes, I can see something.

- Where?

- Do you want me to get it for you?

- Yeah, if you
wouldn't mind, and then

I can get the paint up the ladder, OK?

- Well, I hope it'll be long enough.

- What's that?

- The thing, to stir the paint with.

- Oh, don't worry about
that I'll find something.

- Oh, no, no, give me time,
I'm still looking.

- You found it yet, then?

- Any minute now.

Oh, I think I found it.

- No!

Oh, God, I'm so sorry about that.

(mumbles)

This just isn't my day today,

I'm really sorry, honest.

- I suppose now you'll drag
me naked across the ceiling.

(cows mooing)

(knocks on door)

- Ah, hello, Mr. Wessex.

- Call me Gasper,
most other folks do.

- Well, we haven't been here long.

- I know that.

- Well Gasper, you see,
it's like this, my husband

he's gone into the handyman business,

and to be quite frank with you,

it seems to be far more
than he can handle.

- I've been handyman here, man and boy,

never been more than I can manage.

- I don't know about that, but Bob,

he comes home exhausted every night.

- Well what do you want me
to do, ma'am?

- Well, I thought perhaps
you could come to

some sort of arrangement,
you know, split the jobs.

- All right, it suits me, Missy.

- I'll just go and get
a list of his calls.

- Well these foreign buggers,

I don't understand how they do it.

I've been handyman in this
village, man and boy,

never tired me out.

- Here we are Gasper.

And when you've finished those

I'll have plenty more for you.

- All right, ma'am, I'll get on with these

and come back for more later.

(knocks on door)

- What on Earth do you want?

- You sent for an odd job man.

- Yes, but you're not, well.

- I'm the odd job man.

- Who sent you?

- The gaffer's wife, ma'am.

- Tell her I cancelled the call.

- Um, come to do the odd job, ma'am.

- What did you say?

- Well it says here that you
have a odd job you want doing.

- Oh, oh, go and chop the weeds.

(bells chime)

- Hello, darling.

- Mmm, I'm so tired.

- Oh, that's all right, darling,
I've solved our worries.

- Hmm?

- I've got you some help,

there's a sweet old man
called Gasper.

He's been the handyman in
the village here for years.

Anyway, I've done a deal
with him, and I've given him

some of your calls.

Aren't I a clever girl?

- You've done what?

- I've given him some of your calls.

I did do right, didn't I?

- (laughs) Well, I don't know,

this should prove very interesting.

- And then that
old fool Gasper turned up.

- Yes, and he even turned
up to wash my car.

- Yes, I've had
the same thing as well.

- When I employ a young man
for some hard work,

I expect a young man to turn up.

- We all know what
hard work you wanted doing.

- There's no need to come that

butter wouldn't melt
in my little mouth,

we all know your mouth is the
only little thing about you.

- Oh, let's forget it shall we,

he's made fools of all of us.

And he's taken our money
under false pretenses.

- Yes, very true.

- What's this about, false pretenses?

- It's the new handyman.

- Well, what's he been up to?

No good, that's a certainty.

- Well it's just that some
of us employed him

to do odd jobs and instead
he's sent old Gasper along.

And when he's come,
he hasn't done much.

In fact, he's done nothing.

- Come to think about it,

I gave him an odd job
to do the other day

and he made a complete botch of it.

- We'll have to do something
with this handyman fellow.

A word in your ear, Squire.

- Certainly, Knowles, come
into the study, you know the way.

Follow me, you see what bothers
me is I've-- (fades out)

- Do you think that was wise, dear?

- Well, attack is the best
method of defense.

- There we are, love, one cafe con latte.

Any calls this morning?

- None so far (yawns).

- Have you started breakfast yet?

- No.

- Let's skip it, shall we?

(buffoonish music)

(knocks on door)

(knocks on door)

- Ah.

What's in here?

(muttering)

(knocks on glass)

- Mister Plod.

Yes, Officer, can I help you?

- I doubt it, sir.

I've had several nasty
complaints about you.

- What?

- (chuckles)
Money under false pretenses.

Work unfinished, etc., .etc.

- Well that's just not true.

- Well, that's as may be,

the squire would like to
see you, at the hall.

Tonight, 8:00.

- What for?

- You'll see, be at
the police station, 7:30.

And.

Don't be late.

- Darling, I'm up here.

- I've gotta go out.

- Oh, hell.

(din of patrons)

- It's a bit early for that, isn't it?

- No, I need it.

Do you fancy another round?

(mumbles)

- What's the trouble,
more women problems?

- Aye, you could say that.

Only now the local knobs are in it.

- No, caught on the job?

- Not on the job is more to the point.

- How do you mean?

- Well, it doesn't matter.

- Tell her.

- Now come on, sometimes it helps
to tell someone, you know.

- Bitches.

- What've they done to you?

- Well, I got so busy, my wife
thought I needed some help.

- She, what?

- Employed this old geezer
to gimme a hand.

(laughs)

Yeah, it's all right for you to laugh.

Now I'm being done
for false, false pretenses.

- Oh no, you poor thing.

What, are they ganging up
on your or something?

- And there's nothing I can do about it.

- Think you've had enough,

why don't you come back
with me and have a coffee?

- Fat lot of good that would do.

- You'd be surprised.

Come on then, come back with me.

Oops.

There we are.

Feeling better, love?

- No.

- Drink the coffee, it helps.

Yeah, for a hangover, perhaps, but not me.

- That's where I come in, listen.

While you were playing
about with all the wives,

did you ever wonder what the
husbands were up to?

- Oh, uh, I don't know.

- Take that old man Wayne for instance.

(oohs and ahhs)
(giggling)

And then, there's that copper.

(laughing and whooing)

And as to the squire, hoo.

(maniacal laughter)

And then there's the butcher.

Oh, you wouldn't believe what
they get up to.

(yelps and laughter)

- What a town.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, but how's this gonna help me?

- Don't worry,

I'll think of something.

- You didn't realize the
squire was the local magistrate.

I'll get promoted for this.

Ah, ah.

Now you, stand there

and don't you move.

I've got you now, you know.

(laughing maniacally)

- Squire, listen, I'm not
gonna be able to go on

keeping you happy like this if
I run the local pub as well.

Why don't they give the job
to that nice young couple

that's just moved here?

He's already doing odd jobs
about the place, you know?

- The handyman, yes, that'll
keep him occupied (laughs).

- We don't make many mistakes.

(knocks on door)

- Who's that?

- Don't worry, my dear,
it's only Knowles (laughs).

- This is it.

(knocks on door)

- Oh, I suppose I'd, I'd
better deal with it, dear.

- Right.

- [Squire] Excuse me.
- Thank you, Squire.

- Yeah.

(giggling)

Thank you my dear.

Knowles.

- The squire would
like to see you, sir.

This way.

(bells chiming)

- So, asleep are ya?

What a pity, have to keep
the news til tomorrow.

Still, perhaps it's just as well.

Don't want to excite you too much.

- What news?

- What, love?

- I said, what news.

- Oh, never mind, love,
you go to sleep.

It'll keep til morning.

- What news?

- Careful, careful.

Can't have the new landlord
of the local

with scratches all over his face,
can we?

- What did you say?

- They offered me the job,
down at the boozer.

I accepted.

- Darling!

(folksy music)

(rooster crowing)

- Well, I can't understand it,

one minute they're all against him,

and the next minute, they make
him manager of the local.

- At least there's no unpleasantness.

- Let's stop bitching, let's organize
ourselves from now on.

- Yes, well that means we're
back to where we started.

- I think I know what we can do.

If I were to order some drinks.

- What's she going to do?

- Hey, darling, things
are really looking up,

here's our first order.

- Oh, great, who's it for?

- The squire.

- The squire?

- Mmm, he's a jolly good customer.

- OK, still, I hope he
won't wanna spank me.

- You what?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

- Oh, anyway, she wants it out
first thing this afternoon.

- She?

- Mmm, the squire's wife,
I think it's a surprise.

- Yeah, well, I hope you're right.

Well, I'll go and fix it up, eh?

(folksy music)

* Who do you think is coming round

* And taking me down to the fair

* Margaretta now she's better

* Come on round let down your hair

* Come today and not tomorrow

* Come tomorrow I'll be gone

* But you know just how you look

* You're looking good

* There's nothing wrong

* Well there's magic in the air

* Let's go to the fair

* There's magic in the air, oh yeah

* And all our friends are there

* Quickly now we've got to go

* To see a show I'll show you where

* Take my hand and watch your step

* There's muddy water over there

* We'll be there in just awhile

* So come on now, let's have some fun *

- Ah, the drinks.

We're in the garden
by the swimming pool.

- Right, I'll bring it over.

* There's magic in the air

- Come this way, follow me please.

* There's magic in the air, oh yeah

* And all our love we'll share

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

- You didn't think you
could lose us that easily.

We didn't want you to lose your liscense.

- Run girls, get him!

(shouting)

(manic music)

(shouting and laughing)

- Love-40

- You must be joking.

(din of pub patrons)

- Here we are sir, that's 12 p.

- [Voiceover] Thank you, my dear.

- Do you want another drink, Mummy?

- I never thought to see a daughter of mine

end up as a bar maid.

And fancy being left that lovely cottage

and expecting me to give it all up.

Where is Bob?

It's not fair leaving you to
do everything for yourself.

I suppose he's running around somewhere.

- At this very minute he's up delivering

at the squire's house.

- Well, he might have waited
to see me before he went off.

- Oh Mom, he's had such a
lot on his hands, lately.

He'll probably come rushing
in here at any moment.

- Well, I want to go, I don't
feel happy in this place.

I hope Bob remembers that
it's me and Aunt Emily

he has to thank for his situation,

it'd be nice to hear him say so.

(glass shatters)

(gasps of shock)

I don't believe.

- What the hell have you been up to?

- You know when I went up to

deliver the booze to Squire, I
went round the swimming pool,

and what's she doing here?

- For God's sake, cover yourself.

(phone ringing)

- Well, I suppose I'd better answer it.

Nobody else around here seems to bother.

Hello?

It's the news agent's daughter.

She wants to know if you want to put it in

for another week.

- No, and you can tell her

I'm never gonna put it
in ever again either.

* Take me on for awhile

* I'll soon be making you smile

* What's with all of you people

* Why don't you give it a try

* I'm sayin' that I've been around

* People keep puttin' me down

* But I've got nothin' to lose now

* I'm still working the town

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile I can make you frown

* The ups and downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown *