All language subtitles for All.About.the.Money.2017.WEB-DL.x264-FGT.HI

[male narrator] Have you ever
done something stupid?

No, I mean really stupid.

Stupid to the point where you and
your friends are being shot at?

This is the craziest thing
you've ever done to us!

Who the fuck is the crazy bitch
shootin' at us?!

Oh, that's
Juan Garcia's daughter.

- We're in love.
- Well, then text the bitch

and tell her to quit
fucking shooting at us!

What could possibly lead
these three best of friends

to brave the face of death?

Money, of course.

♪ California
knows how to party ♪

♪ Shake it down

♪ California

♪ Knows how to party...

Even as children, little Vincent

was always concocting some sort
of get-rich-quick scheme.

Man, I don't know how I let you
talk me into this.

- Oh, please.
- I'm serious.

I'm black, Vincent,
or did you somehow forget that

when you came up
with this brilliant plan?

What the hell does that have
to do with anything?

What? Man, we try to return
that cat and get the reward,

you know the first thing
old Miss Womack's gonna think

is, "I bet it was this little
nigga that stole it."

She wouldn't say that.

Shut up, Kurt!

Vincent convinced Chris

that he would not be singled out

just because he was black.

My baby!

Why is he in a bag?

This was the eighties,
and everyone knew

that racism no longer
existed in America.

There you go, boys, $40,
just like the reward says.

Um, there's something
that's a little odd.

Mr. Wiggles has always been
an indoor kitty...

- [cat mews]
- so I can't imagine

how he got out.

Christopher?

You or any of your brothers,
did you leave a door open

when you were
cleaning out my garage?

Ms. Womack,
that was two years ago

you had us clean out
your garage.

Your cat's only been missing
three weeks.

That's neither fish nor fowl.

I told you,
just 'cause I was black,

I was gonna get blamed.
I should kill you, Vincent.

Whatever,
look at all this money.

Man, one day we will have
a black president,

and he will make sure all black people are
taken care of, you best believe that.

Not a chance.
Boys, you stick with me,

and you'll definitely share in the
wealth, 'cause I'm gonna be rich.

[echoing]
'Cause I'm gonna be rich.

[narrator] Why am I reciting
this great modern tale

in which legends were made?

Because someone paid me.

So shut up
and pay close attention.

[rock music plays]

Never as a child prophesize
about your future wealth,

because you end up sleeping on
your friend's pleather couch.

[banging on door]

Who is it?

Christopher Jefferson Johnson?

[Chris] Hey, who is that using
my government name?

Think it's Walter, man.

He's dressed like
he's going to church.

And you're sweaty, Walter.

[yawns] What up, Walt?

Uh, Mr. Johnson,
you are hereby served.

Serving what?
What are you serving?

Goddamn it,
I'm sorry, man, look...

My stupid brother-in-law
got me this job

as a process server.

She's tagging along with me
all damn day, and...

I'm scared as hell out here!

I'm real sorry, Chris.

Divorce sucks.

I'm glad it's not me.

Walter, I'm waiting!

OK, actually, I wish it was me.

Get the fuck away
from my house, man.

Come up here and serving me.

You can't even take care of
that fucking bitch out there,

gotta ride around in a car with
rollers all over her goddamn head.

What the fuck you doing
with that monkey suit on?

Sorry, Chris.

You're very sweaty, Walter.

Thanks, man.

Oh, we still on for poker
on Wednesday night?

[both] Yes, Walter.

Yes!

I'll bring the pizza, you guys.

Fuckin' bitch.

You shouldn't start
your day like this.

Man, you've been sitting here
living on my couch

since October 15,
five motherfucking years ago.

I can count that.
I get it.

You need to come to grips
with this, uh, reality

that you're not that good
a salesman, man.

Man, you're talking
about my career.

Your career is fucked up.
What is it this week, man?

Upright Breathe-Right.

Up-breathin' what?
Breathe what? Who?

You know what,
I'm proud of what I do.

It's the Upright Breathe-Right.

It is a vacuum cleaner,
is what the fuck it is.

Man, millionaires don't get
like this overnight.

I'm trying to do
what I need to do, OK?

I'm going to work
to make my millions.

Watch when I come home today.

I got a real job, I fix motors.
People need to drive.

You need to fix your drive,
your drive in life, Chris.

While Vincent and Chris toiled to
make a dollar out of 50 cents,

Kurt was actually quite wealthy
working for his father-in-law,

and miserable to boot.

Oh! What are you doing?
You're supposed to be in there.

Yeah, I'm trying.

I can't find
my transportation form.

Fuck, you look like hell.

Did you sleep last night?

Little, uh, wacky-wacky?

Thanks, thanks, Rick.

It's exactly what I needed
right now.

Aaah, just glad it's you
and not me, man.

I don't think I could do it.

Do what?
You gave the last presentation.

Yeah, and I fucking killed
that bitch.

No, I'm talking
about being the son-in-law

of the CEO.

Hello!

Uh-uh-uh-uh! Pfft!

Please.

You are about to present
to the biggest potential client

this firm has ever seen.

And your father-in-law,
slasher-balls,

is gonna be sitting
right there, same room,

analyzing your every move.

[whistles]

Kurt.

Kurtie?

Dude! Hey! Snap out of it.

Yo!

What? What did you say?

Fix your hair first.

Oh, and your secretary
always stares at my bulge.

See you in the trenches.

Two minutes.

[gasps] Breathe.

Just a panic attack.

I have several hundred
of these a month.

You can do this!
You can do this!

[exhaling]

Mr. Pomeroy,
it's your wife on line one.

Um... put her through.

OK.

[woman] Hello, darling.
I won't keep you.

I just Wanted to tell you how
important this meeting is to daddy.

I know.

Well, I'm not sure you do.

Takanaki Industries is a client
daddy's tried to get for years,

and it would be unfortunate
if you lost this opportunity.

I'm the reason Takanaki
Industries is even here today.

Three years of traveling back and
forth from Japan, and I got it done.

I would think that you
would be calling me,

your husband, to say,
"Good luck!"

Hah. That's cute, honey.

Just keep your eye on the ball.

Remember that

it's all on your shoulders.

This family
doesn't tolerate losers.

- [dial tone]
- [moans]

[thud!] Ow!

♪ Work for the money,
work for the-for the money ♪

♪ Work for the money, work
for the-for the money ♪

♪ Work for the money,
work for the money ♪

♪ Work for the money...

♪ I like her head,
shoulders, knees, ho ♪

♪ Head, shoulders, knees, ho,
Head shoulders knees, ho ♪

♪ Head, shoulders, knees, ho

♪ Hey, what's that sound

♪ Everybody look
what's goin' down ♪

♪ Down to the floor,
scrub the ground ♪

♪ Everybody look
when she come around... ♪

All right, you're gonna be rich,

you're gonna be rich,
you're gonna be rich.

Hi.

Hi. Wow, you're hot...
Oh, hi, I'm Vincent Bolero

with the Upright Breathe-Right,
and you have been chosen

from thousands of participants
to receive a...

You got... Is it hot?

Actually, my parents,
they just bought me a vacuum

right before the semester
started, so I'm all good.

Hold on,
just give me one second.

They gave me a rebuttal
for that... the pamphlet.

Hand 'em the pamphlet here.
That has all the information.

- I have company.
- Oh, hey, hi, guys.

What you doing, just chillin'?
I used to chill.

Let me tell ya, um...

Ha, I know what that is.

That's not a asthma breather,
is it?

You guys!

- All right, so...
- No, you can't have any.

And my parents give me
an allowance every month

which is not enough to afford
this amazing vacuum,

so I couldn't even buy one
if I wanted to, thank you.

That leads me to the other part
of my whole presentation.

Making money. You, sir.

How would you like to make
$10,000 a month?

Wait, so you
make $10,000 a month?

Dressed like that?

Um, I don't. My boss does.
And then the guy above him.

At the office,
it's like a tower, OK?

They have like,
you have the level one...

It's like a pyramid. They don't
think of it like a pyramid.

They say don't say
it's a pyramid.

It's better looking at it
on the board,

but yes, you can, you can make
that kind of money.

It's like he's an anchor
on the Sad News Network

and the special is
"My Life Sucks."

- [woman laughs]
- I'm gonna dump this right here.

[woman] No, you're not, whoa!
Dude! Oh, my God!

Be cool, man. It's from the vacuum company.
They give me this stuff.

Whoa, hold on, Vince, is it?

Is this really your job?

Like, you just bust on in here,

dump dirt and shit
all over the floor

and tell me I can
make more money than you do?

I get it.

I'm the guy being laughed at
in the room, right?

It's not like
there's much difference

between you and this pile
of dirt right now.

This is not very, um...

uh...

There's, uh, you can have it.
I'm sorry.

No! What? Take it?
You're not gonna clean this up?

The vacuum works, so they say.

Wow! Oh, my God.

Look, man, when I tell you to go get us
some coffee, don't put cream in my shit.

Black people
like our shit black!

Christopher Jefferson Johnson, you ain't
playin' no more damn games with me!

You can wallow that fat ass
right on back out that door.

- You can wallow your ass if you don't sign
these divorce papers. -Bitch, please.

I'm warning you, Chris, you're
not gonna mess this up for me.

He's a real man.

He's the next nigga.

Fuck you lookin' at?
Get your ass to work!

Affirmative action, that's
why I hired your honky ass!

Get, get, get!

Now, look here, you think
you're gonna get knocked up

by this rich motherfucker then
try to get a divorce from me

so you can run off and get paid
and get married and shit?

It ain't goin' down
like that, baby.

Oh, you gonna give me a divorce,
you best believe that.

You got an envelope,
I got an envelope.

In this envelope
is a picture of you,

buckin' my brother,
Jerome Jefferson Johnson III,

and a neighbor, and the
motherfucker across the street.

The mailman!
There's a picture of you in here

with peanut butter
on your left ass cheek

with the dog licking it off,
I invented that!

Now, you wanna get a divorce,

you and your rich sugar daddy
gonna have to pay me.

That's what it is.
Now, get the fuck out.

- Get, rock, agitate the ground!
- Uggh!

That's a waste of a good ass.

Get to work!
Fuck you lookin' at?

Take the tire off, get the
engine out the motherfucker,

jump in it and drive,
kill yourself.

Fuck you, too!
All you motherfuckers

act like you ain't never had
a bitch fool around on you.

I ain't the only one
up in this motherfucker.

I quit, too, hah, bitches!

[R&B ringtone plays]

Yes?

Chris!

Oh, my God, how are you?

You know what,
I actually don't give a fuck.

Please hold while I get the other half
of this shit sandwich on the line.

[ringtone chimes]

- Hello? -How are ya? You're on
the phone with the Rickster.

- Who the fuck is this? -I said
"the Rickster" the first time.

- That's long for Rick.
- Who is Rick?

It's Rick, for fuck sake.

Chris, this is Rick the dick
from college.

Why you callin', motherfucker?
We don't like you anyway.

You still sporting that dick
broom on the top of your lip?

Ha! Wow! Dick broom.
Still not funny.

You better come up with better material when
you go visit your buddy at the funny farm.

You're gonna need to lighten
the mood.

- Rick, English, please.
- Your buddy Kurt

completely bombed
in the boardroom.

You know what, scratch that,
he didn't just bomb,

that mo-Fo kamikazed it.

Aaah!

Ooh, ah-soooo!

Ohhhh!

What the fuck are you dinks
making cars for anyhow?

- You can't drive for shit!
- This is an outrage!

- He fucking hates the Asians.
- [mimicking Asians] Harro?

Bring me some ramen noodles!

He basically offended
everybody in the room.

Mr. Horny,
rock-and-roll time!

[Rick] Then he stepped up
to his father-in-law/boss

and let him know that he actually prefers
to cram it in his daughter's pooper.

I had anal intercourse
with your daughter!

You're finished, you hear me?!
You son of a bitch!

[indistinct shouting]

Ah, romantic.
I got to tell ya,

it was the singular greatest/worst
thing I have ever seen.

Man, I ain't even
tryin' to hear this shit.

Christopher, you may not be
trying to hear this,

but, broheim, it is all true.

[clears throat]
Christopher...

Vincent... never forget this.

Cradle my balls.

- Yeah, whatever.
- Go fuck yourself.

Guess it can't get
any worse than this shit.

Who took the last goddamn
roll of toilet paper!

So, is this what life's
all about:

infidelity, going crazy,
hopeless dreaming?

Wait a minute,
hopeless dreaming?

What?

Vincent.

Christopher?

Fuckin' Chodewell?

That's Chodewell.

That is Chodewell!

Do you remember him
in gym class?

He had the little rib cage,
looked like a bird was in it?

Yeah, but most adults actually
call me by my real name,

Dr. Chadwell.

What are you up to?

'Cause, you know, you two

were the most popular
guys in school.

So, Vincent, right, you,
you must be a, what, CEO

of a multinational
corporation by now,

and, Christopher,
I can only imagine that you...

you are playing professional
football for all these years,

maybe for the Broncos,
am I right?

No, you missed the mark
just a little bit.

I'm actually broke and jobless.

Chris's here's wife's pregnant
by another man's semen,

and somewhere in this hospital,

Kurt has lost his damn mind
with a mental breakdown.

[chuckles]

Holy shit! Wow, you guys.

You are quite the success
stories, aren't you?

Man, Christopher, I still
remember that game...

- [reporter] ...Armando Garcia...
- [Chris] I was 19!

- [Chadwell] You were 22!
- [Chris] I was 19!

[reporter] Mr. Garcia is
Colombia's biggest drug lord

and the head
of the Garcia cartel,

which is responsible
for smuggling tons

of cocaine into
the United States each year.

Mr. Robinson then issued
a $25 million reward

out for the capture
of Mr. Garcia.

The White House is expected
to hold a press conference

to further add insight
to this newest development.

In other news, do you like cats?

You know what, fuck you!

Cho to hell, Chodewell!
Cho to hell!

You gentlemen can see
Mr. Pomeroy now.

He is pretty sedated, so I suggest
you keep your conversation brief.

I'll be quiet.
I was just waiting...

Come on, man.

Uh-huh, yeah, no, that's right.

[sighs] God, Mom, I gotta go.

Two vagrants just walked in.

I'll have to call security and have
them thrown out on their asses.

Uh-oh, Chris, you might want to
check the bottom of your shoes.

I think one of us stepped
in a pile of bitch.

Funny, Vincent. I'm not loaning you any
money, so you might as well take a hike.

As if I would ever borrow
any money from you, Beth.

What the hell does that mean? We've
supported your ass for years.

Not to mention, you borrow money
from everyone you know, you scumbag.

Don't even look at me, man,
I don't even like this bitch.

But she got a point.
You owe me $700.

What the hell is with
the baby balloons?

They was on sale, he's a boy.

- And it's the thought that counts, all right?
- You're an idiot.

Chocolate?

That's the last thing he needs,
more screw-ups in his life.

He screwed up
for the last time with me.

He's lucky that I'm
even here right now.

He's in the room!

He can't hear shit, he looks
like a freakin' vegetable,

drool and shit coming out of his
mouth... this is fucking disgusting!

And after what he pulled
with daddy today,

I would say divorce is
in his slobbering-ass future.

You know what, Brenda,
that is some coldblooded shit

to say about your husband.

My name is Bethany! Bethany!

Tell your loser-ass friend
to get a good divorce attorney.

The less I see
of any of you, the better.

- You know you want it.
- [Bethany scoffs]

- Did she just leave him?
- Yeah.

My man is cracked out.

He ain't cracked out, it's all the
Valium they're pumping in his arm.

Look, I don't know what
we're supposed to do,

'cause obviously the crazy bitch
is not coming back.

- All right, just let me think.
- Put your mind in gear, man.

Look at you, Kurt.

This is the moment where Vincent

saw his opportunity
to be rich and famous.

- That's it.
- Pissin' out his mouth, man.

Whatever, man, fuck him. We gotta go
on vacation, man. We need a vacation.

- What?
- A vacation from our lives.

So this I where I drink
the Kool-Aid, right,

go to this little island
and then die?

No, I'm not talking
about suicide, man,

I'm talking about getting
the hell out of the country.

You broke and I got a j-o-b.

And your job sucks.
You're in a fuckin' onesie.

I'm in a dickey:
that's where my dick go.

Look, man, I'm broke
but he's not,

and they're still married.

Credit cards,
you know what I'm saying?

Bump the bitch credit card. Come on, let's
get this crazy motherfucker out of here.

Ooh!

- [falsetto] Mr. Chodewell!
- [laughter]

Grow up!

Can some...

Hmm-mm-mm.

Yeah, I think we need to stop
feeding him Valiums, man.

I know, look at him, man.
He looks like a disaster.

Can you imagine him at our Hollywood
parties? He's got no tolerance.

How can I help
you gentlemen today?

The three of us adults would
like three tickets to Colombia,

and you can put it
on that man's card.

South Carolina, that's what I'm talkin'
about, man. I got cousins down there.

That's good, man, but we're not
going to South Carolina.

Sir, I think he means
the country of Colombia.

Colombia!
Vincent, are you crazy, man?

That is the drug capital
of the world.

I'm black, they're gonna think
I'm trafficking... click-click.

Chill, dude,
you'll be fine, man.

Everybody knows the Valley's
the drug capital of the world.

Can I carry this on?

[woman] Yes.

[Kurt groans]

Betcha they ain't even got
black people in Colombia.

I'm pretty sure the entire country
was founded by black people.

Right, you geniuses are all set.

Have a wonderful time in the
African nation of Colombia!

How is he?

Passed out.

They found an empty row,
just laid him on down there.

Where did you get
them clothes, man?

Don't be laughing at my clothes, man.
Stewardess gave me this.

That boy slobbered
all over my new shirt.

Kurt can never catch
a break, man. Ever.

What?

Do you want to look
in the motherfucking mirror?

All right, I admit I'm going
through a transition right now.

[chuckles]

- Oh, that's funny, isn't it?
- You goin' through a Tran...

Vincent, we on a plane.
Where we goin', and why?

Man... you need to learn
to relax.

We are in first class, man. This
is first class. Look at this!

What the fuck up, Vincent?

Promise you're not
gonna get mad.

First class!
What the fuck's up?

All right.

You know, on the news,
every day, that guy,

Juan Garcia, in Colombia.
You know who I'm talking about?

The drug lord Garcia,
chop your head off, yeah, him.

Well, he doesn't necessarily
chop your head off.

I mean, we don't know that. That's
what the news is telling us.

All right? Listen to what
I'm going to say.

- I'm listening.
- There is a 20...

There is a $25 million reward
for the capture of this dude.

And what the fuck
does that have to do with us?

[whispering] $25 million.

Are you out of your
motherfucking mind, Vincent?

He kill people, man.
Your dog will be dead!

The motherfucker
kidnap families,

take 'em over to Colombia
and they never come back, man.

I'm not talking about that. I'm
just saying, let's do recognizance.

That ain't even a word,
"recognizance."

We just go look and see what's
happening from a distance.

- From a distance?
- From a distance.

- Like a vacation.
- Yeah. It is a vac...

- In first class!
- All right.

I like living, know what I'm saying?
Ain't nothing like breathing.

I never heard a dead
motherfucker come back...

- Well, then breathe... -and say
how good it is to be dead.

Some of this.

Is that them shrooms,
motherfucker?

- It is.
- Chocolate marsh.

Yeah, you don't have to yell
to everybody.

Yes, it is, my nigga, it is.

This motherfuckin' trip just got a whole
lot better, know what I'm sayin'?

- [like Cosby] Have the pudding.
- Hmm?

It tastes a little different.

He didn't get much time
to put it together, he said.

So...

he had to substitute
a couple of the ingredients.

What did he substitute?

Small shit, like butter.

Butter? What did he replace
the butter with?

What did he say, hold on?

Pee-otee? Pee-ot...
Pay-ot... Pee-Ari.

Peyote?!

That motherfucker fucked
a fire hydrant

butt asshole naked on that shit.

On a Sunday,
in front of the church.

He said it was cool, man.

If you can't trust
your drug dealer,

who are you gonna trust, man?
He does this for a living.

Did you hear what the fuck
you just said?

[kazoo plays]

Chemistry lesson 101.

Taking a hodgepodge of drugs
at 35,000 feet

may cause you
to simply feel faded.

[rooster squawking]

♪ I'm trippin'
I'm trippin', I'm trippin' ♪

♪ I'm trippin', I'm trippin'
day to day now ♪

♪ I'm trippin'
I'm trippin', I'm trippin' ♪

♪ I'm trippin', I'm trippin'
my life away ♪

♪ And I'm trippin'

♪ Trippin' inside and slippin'
along with my mind... ♪

[wind whistling]

[hawk screeches]

[muted drum beating]

Come on, Nancy boy!

[Chris, thinking]
I'm turning white.

Heh heh.

[Orchestra plays
Vivaldi's "Four Seasons"]

- Crazy.
- Hello, Mr. Johnson.

Please enjoy this bottle
of champagne on us.

You mean you're gonna give me

a whole bottle of champagne
for free?

[stewardess] Of course,
Mr. Johnson.

You're white,
you know the rules.

Hi, Mr. Johnson. The pilots would
like a word with you in the cockpit.

- Am I in trouble?
- No, silly.

You're white, come on!

[deep voice]
Here, take my pen.

- Welcome to first class.
- [ch-ching!]

You know what, take my baby.

Come on, now.

[orchestra continues]

Well, hiya, Christopher.
Come on, son, sit down!

How'd you like to fly the plane?

Man, are you serious? I don't
know how to fly no plane.

[laughter]

Oh, you old devil, you!
Come on, son!

You're white, you can do
anything you put your mind to.

- [glass shatters, baby cries]
- Well, all right.

♪ I'm trippin'

♪ Trippin' inside and slippin'
along with my mind ♪

♪ Trippin' inside and havin'
a wonderful time ♪

[echoing]
You're on peyote!

Heh-heh-heh!

Yeah, I can get used
to this white shit.

Hmm.

Credit score done went up.

Hah. Yeah.

Nooooooo!

After a long flight,

our hapless heroes arrive
in Colombia, South America,

which should be
very interesting,

as Vincent and Chris
believe that Colombia

is just another city in Mexico.

Whoa!

- [straining]
- You got him?

Yep.

[Chris] Oh, man!

Prop him up against here.

Man, what is this?
Ain't no black people here, man.

You lied.

I don't know
about this shit, but...

That is not what it looks like
in the picture, right?

- It says five stars. -Man, this ain't
one star. This ain't a quarter moon.

This place is nasty, man.
All right, let's go.

- Uh, what about Kurt, man?
- What about him, man?

We're in a foreign country,
they love Americans.

Dude'll be fine.

We're Americans!

[Vincent sighs]

Three rooms, please.

- Three rooms?
- ¿Qué necesitas?

¿Qué necesitas?

Something about a K and sisters.

¿Ah, necesitas una habitación
para alquilar?

Sólo tenemos una.

- I don't know, bro.
- You better know, man.

You've been reading that damn
Mexican travel guide

ever since you was on
the damn plane.

Now, figure this shit out, man.

It doesn't say anything
about ordering a room, dude.

It says, like, fuckin' plants
and soccer and shit, that's it.

- Like Escobar, you'd give him a
room, wouldn't you? -Escobar?

Yeah, Escobar.
Like the soccer player.

Like goal!

[shouting in Spanish]

[woman] iDios mío!

What the fuck did you
just do, Vincent?

I don't know.
Andrés Escobar

is Colombia's best soccer
player, says it right there.

Man, let me see this.

No damn wonder. This is 1992.

This motherfucking magazine
is 20 years old.

No wonder she didn't understand
what the fuck you talkin' about.

- What is that?
- Get y'alls skins!

- Hey, yo, man, look!
- It's a midget with a gat.

You're Americans?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're cool, right? Americans.

Why you singing praises
to Pablo Escobar?

We ain't praisin' nobody
but the Lord.

We're God's children.

We were sent here
to build a small mission

for the Lord... mission...
for Jesus's children.

And we don't know
Pablo Escobar, bro.

Put the gun down, please.

Forgive her, she's getting
senile in her later years.

All right.

Three rooms.

Twenty American dollars.
Only have one room and one bed.

The hell with that.
Come on, $20?

Just get the room, man.
Little dude's got a gat.

We can get
another hotel tomorrow.

We only accept cash.

You got a spa?

It's never easy informing
one of your friends

that while he was in
a drug-induced coma,

his marriage ended.

But hey, what are friends for?

- [high-pitched weeping]
- Fuckin' hug him.

- Fuck you, you hug him.
- I'm not... I had to tell him.

I had to wipe the slobber off his
face the whole flight down here

while you were jacking off
underneath the blanket.

How did you know
I was jacking off?

- Smooth ripples in the blanket.
- I should have used the jacket.

Jackets are real smooth,
got the material.

When it get crunchy
it don't wrinkle up.

I ain't never done it myself
but it's what I heard.

- Good lookin' out, next time.
- That's what's up.

[murmuring]

I think a drink
is in order for you.

So you thought bringing us to a Third
World country was a good idea?

To catch a fucking Colombian
cartel drug lord? Are you mental?

Keep it down, man.
These people all look alike.

They could be the cartel.

[Kurt] He's trying
to get us killed.

You're gonna get us
fucking killed, Vincent.

Maybe it wasn't a well thought
out plan, right, but we're here.

So let's just do this.

How could you let this happen?

I didn't do shit. He told me
we was coming on vacation.

I didn't know we was gonna
be doin' Rambo shit.

Have you lost your mind?

No, Kurt, you lost your mind,
and your wife, your job

and your dignity,
all in, what, three hours?

- I can testify to that. -I can't
believe I'm getting a divorce.

Just think about it.

$25 million. $25 million.
Do you know how much that is?

$8,333,333.33 apiece.

Motherfuckin' Rain Man.

We're still gonna get killed.

None of us know anything
about capturing a drug lord.

You can say that again. He
know what he talkin' about.

I didn't think of it like that.

Everybody's got their thing,
this is our thing.

Kurt, wouldn't you like
to show your ex-wife

- Who said I was a loser?
- [both] She did.

- What a bitch.
- And, Chris, wouldn't you like

to throw a baseball with a kid
that's actually yours?

Yeah, that's funny.

I'd like to do that
one of these days.

Come on, man, listen,
if we go back to L.A.

like this, broke,
what do we got?

We got shit.

Listen, I'm goin',
I'm doin' this.

Now, who's with me?

- Fuck it, I'm in.
- Thank you.

I'm still not sure
why I'm even here.

Hey, man, grow some nuts so the squirrel
can climb up the tree and nibble on 'em.

I'm not even sure
that made sense,

but you should listen to him.

All right, I'm in.
Let's do this, fuck it!

And fuck that bitch!

[Latin music plays]

Got that shit, man,
raise the roof!

There are my Americano brothers!

Come on, I take you
to the other party

with all the girls
and cocaine you want...

[slurring] I'm goin' with him.

I'm goin' with him and him.

He got pussy, man, you trippin'.

Pussy is not a bad thing.

That's what I'm saying, 'cause
you guys are doing it all wrong.

You need to package and combine these
drugs for more efficient distribution.

Hmm.

Man, snap out of
that grunting shit.

Mmm... What?
Hmm, I'm not grunting.

Could have swore we were drunk.

I'm still drunk. [sniffs]
But I'm up, but I'm drunk.

[sniffs] Yeah.

This is Alaska right up here.
This is Alaska. See all the snow?

[chuckles] That's Canada.

So we're gonna come in here, and
come in here, and come over here.

- Hmm.
- Man, I need a gun.

We need guns.

Think about it, a .357 Magnum,
if we're gonna do this.

Man, fuck that baby shit.

I need a AK-47.

I could bust a cap
in the motherfucker's ass.

Ack-ack-ack.
Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

Ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack!

You forgot one.

Ack!

[chuckles]

- Ahem, titties.
- Yes, they are.

[Vincent grunting]

Uh, I'm gonna go say hello to
her two friends, tit and tat.

No, no, no, no, we gonna say
hello to tit and tat...

We ain't doin' the "we."

Ain't no sword-fightin',
nuts ain't bouncin', no.

No, no, no,
we'll Eiffel Tower her, man.

I don't wanna touch
your balls either, man.

We get on each end.

I'm not making a porno.
I'm going in here and fuck.

I think it's London Bridge, man.
We'll London Bridge her!

Oh.

[sniffing]

Hello. ¿Cómo estás?

- Mm.
- Vamos.

OK.

[Chris clears throat]

[Kurt] If you could smuggle
less by sea

and more by air... here,

in this, uh... [giggles]
in this vicinity right here,

you could attack the United States
where they least expect it.

- Jesus!
- Enough.

How do you know so much about...

marketing cocaine?

I...

I don't know anything.

Oh, you've been teaching
everybody like school children.

No, I just know business.
I'm a...

It's not like it's rocket science.
It's actually common sense.

Oh, so you're calling me stupid!

No, no, no, I don't...
I don't even know you.

[slams knife] I don't know when I've
been so disrespected in my own homeland!

[Kurt] But...

Am I such a man that should be
treated like this?

No.

You know what?

I don't think I should be
the one that should be...

discussing your fate.

I think maybe we should
take him to...

Garcia.

Juan Garcia, no, no. I haven't got... fate?
I don't need to see him.

Get him.

Can't we talk about this?

[murmuring]

I'm really sorry!
I didn't mean to!

That's what I'm talkin' about.
You Mexican girls are hot!

I'm not fucking Mexican.

Oh, well, whatever.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh, shit! Fuck!
- Aaah!

She's got a fuckin' dick!

Damn, I was just about to bust!
You better be...

Fuck! Aaah!

Shit.

Goddamn, man!

I just passed a chick
with a dick.

I know, man,
I touched her fucking ass!

- You touched her ass?
- I did!

Oh, goddamn, man, eh!

It's gonna be all right.
Man, this is a freak scene.

That shit make me gay?

No, just... alternative.

Man, I don't want any more
fucking cocaine!

All right, man, don't do no more blow!
My friend ain't gay!

So, she had a dick? You
didn't touch it, you didn't...

- Did you suck it?
- No.

All right, 'cause I was gonna...
Kurt! They got Kurt, man!

They got a gun to his head!

Come on, man.
Let that shit go!

Would you like cream and sugar
with your coffee, Mister...?

Oh, Mr. Pomeroy.
Kurt. Kurt Pomeroy.

And I'll take Splenda,
if you have it.

Do you know who I am,
Mr. Pomeroy?

I've, um...

I've seen news reports
about you in America.

How do they portray me?

They say that you're a...
Your business is

the cause of a lot of violence,

both here in South America
and in North America.

So I've heard.

Let me say this, Mr. Pomeroy.

Long before our country
learned how to capitalize

on our largest export,
we were a nation in despair.

A very poor country

where industry would have
never existed

or jobs, or schools,
as we have today,

without cocaine.

The United States suffers
from a disease

you Americans call

multiple personality disorder.

I'm not sure I follow you.

[Garcia] I will explain.

The State Department
in Washington

sends down a representative
every few months.

They work out
a special deal with us.

They give us a free route,

where we can bypass
the Mexican distribution

and sell our products
straight to the streets.

Now, not having to deal
with the Mexicans

quadruples our earnings
and keeps me from having to deal

with those dirty,
uneducated field mice,

as I like to call them.

Then...

the United States'
other personality appears.

And they send down
a representative

calling off all deals
and demanding money from me.

Now, I call that extortion,
Mr. Pomeroy.

But there's nothing
I can do about that.

Yet.

Why exactly am I here?

My associate here, Mr. Diego,

he knows more about this business
than anyone that I know.

He overheard you tonight,

apparently sharing
a great wealth of information

on how to improve our business.

And I want to find out
what that is.

No, I really, I don't know.
I don't know anything.

One more time... and I'm going
to sew your lips shut

with your hair.

[Garcia] Mr. Pomeroy,
let us take a walk outside.

[chairs creaking]

As you know from doing
business in America,

loss is something
you cannot tolerate.

Oh, my God, no. No.

Now Mr. Diego will take you
into the study.

There you will find
a stack of files

that he will explain just enough
to get you started.

W-what if I said no?

Well, I will show you.

Mátalo.

[whimpering]

God, no! No! No! No!

Good night, Mr. Pomeroy.

She had a dick!

[guard speaking Spanish]

Well, what the hell
is you sayin', pig?

Get up! Colonel Andreas
will see you now.

Brilliant.

What do I owe the honor
of being woken up

in the middle of the night by one of my
soldados speaking about a kidnapping?

Our friend got kidnapped. He got taken
away in a Jeep. That's why we came here.

Hombres...

you're not answering
my question.

Why did you two
come into my station

at 4 a.m., yelling, screaming,
demanding that I be woken up?!

I...

El kidnappo, kidnappay.
Like we just told you.

Our friend got taken and we're
trying to get him back.

- [Chris] Hey, hey, look, man.
- [car door slams]

Our friend was taken in a Jeep.

I know damn well he ain't
outside that window, man.

Why are you wasting our time?
We've been here...

Chris, fucking chill.
Third World country.

You should listen to
your friend, Mr. Christopher.

That way you might make it
out of this country

sitting in the seat of a plane
and not a wooden box.

[Chris] Look, you took me
out of context, man.

You know, I have a problem
when I get hot.

You know, I have a mental thing
that happens,

and it's kind of like
Tourette's... motherfucker!

You know, so, uh... shit!

Sorry. Sir.

I cannot help you.
You need to head to Bogotá

and see someone
in the US embassy.

They will be able to help you.
Carlos. [speaking Spanish]

- This way, let's go.
- No, we're not done here.

- [shouting in Spanish]
- [Carlos] Yes, I've got a gun!

- You can put that down.
- Go, go!

IRápido, vamos!

- Is this some Mexican boardroom?
- Hey, what are we doing here?

You're in some shit already just by
coming to the station last night.

They know!

Who knows?

- Garcia cartel.
- The cartel!

Keep your voices down! They're everywhere,
even in this Policía station!

How do they know who we are?

You two idiots came in here yelling at the
top of your lungs about some kidnapping.

They would kill me if anyone found out I
was telling you this, so listen carefully.

You're going to go to the embassy and
tell them about your American friend.

Tell them he's being held by... one
Armando Garcia of the Garcia cartel.

They will start a negotiation for
his release in two or three months.

Two or three months? Are you crazy?
They got him now!

You have no other choice.

Now that they know you're here,
they will kill you, sure enough.

Why you want to help us?

My people have lived in fear of
cartel regimes over 30 years.

The United States is our only hope on
stopping them and their murderous ways.

Having an American kidnapped will bring
exposure to this and help with our efforts.

There's gotta be another way.

- I may know someone.
- Who?

There's this guy.

He's a former American
Special Forces unit guy.

He's very local.
Name is Jon Waters.

He lives in the old church
in the middle of the village.

Oh, and another thing.
This is Colombia, not Mexico.

We're not Mexican,
you imbeciles!

Wait a minute.

How do we get in touch with you?

You don't.

[speaking Spanish]

What did he just say?

I think he said we're fucked.

What the fuck.

Man, you always
getting me in some shit!

[Garcia]
Very, very, very, very...

Oh, very good!

Yes, oh!
The US involvement.

[chuckles]

Very good, Mr. Pomeroy.

I see you and I
are going to have

a very fruitful
business relationship.

You, my friend,
are going to be very rich.

Uh...

with all due respect,
Mr. Garcia, I, uh...

I have a wife and a job
back in L.A.

I, uh...
I can't stay here.

Mr. Pomeroy.

Your wife filed for divorce
in a Los Angeles courtroom

yesterday afternoon.

And as for your job...

my associate informed me
that you no longer have one.

You see, Mr. Pomeroy,

information is extremely
valuable in our business.

You have spies?

No. We have Google.

Now, why don't you just
make yourself comfortable?

Make yourself at home,
Mr. Pomeroy.

The choice to stay is not yours.

But your choice to live. Yes.

Come.

Come. Come!

Please. I want you
to check out the view.

You may find it somewhat...
meaningful.

Oh, God!

My God!

Even in a moment of sheer terror
at what he had just witnessed,

no man can resist the
mysterious and majestic beauty

of the punani.

- This has gotta be it.
- Looks like the place to me.

What do you think
"fuck off" means?

It means don't come in the
motherfucker but knock anyway.

[man] Go away!

My name's Vince, this is Chris.
We're looking for Jon Waters!

[Jon] How do you know my name?
What do you want?

Look, Policía Carlos sent us over here,
man. We're just looking for help!

[Jon] I don't know no Carlos.
Fuck off!

Come on, man, our friend
got kidnapped by the cartel!

[both] Ohh!

Hey, that's my manhood you got
that shit pointing at.

Jon, put away the fucking guns,
man, we're cool!

- What the fuck is going on?
- IDs now.

Come on, Jon, we're cool.

[Jon] Hey, you're Americans.

No shit, can we just come in?

Boy's a genius.

Come on, get in there!

This motherfucker's
in his underwear.

All right, take a seat,
tell me your story.

[Chris] Man, this makes South
Central look like Beverly Hills.

[Jon grumbling]

- [dish shatters]
- Oh, well.

[clears throat]

Tell me your story.

All right, we came out here
on vacation.

We went to a party.

Cartel members kidnapped
our friend.

We were told
that you can help us.

You want me to light
that dog dick you puffin' on?

I don't smoke.

How do you know it's the cartel?

The guy at the police station
told us...

Heh heh heh heh heh!

- What are you doing?
- Ha.

You can't go to the police.
Are you fucking crazy?

They don't do anything.

I tried to tell him, man.
I got warrants, I told you.

The police stations are connected all
over the world. They got computers now.

Thank you, my fellow negro.

I came here in '89.

With Special Ops Division.

Dropped us in the jungle
30 clicks south of Medellin.

Did you just eat that?
We've been out here for an hour.

Special search and destroy
mission for Pablo Escobar.

- The soccer player, thank you.
- Who?

No, man, I'm talking
about Pablo Escobar,

the most dangerous drug lord
in the world.

You short bus recipient.

That's why the lady
was crying at the hotel.

How am I supposed to know there's more
than one person in Colombia named Escobar?

Are you sure
he did not play soccer?

Man, I don't know.

So there we were,

waiting for our orders.

But they didn't come.

Some asshole in Washington
decided to push it back,

so weeks turned into months,
months turned into years,

and next thing you know,
finally the order comes through.

And, man, we were ready.

And we went in there,
quieter than a virgin's queef.

And we took him out
on the roof of his own home.

[chuckles]

Yeah, but then again,
some yahoos in Washington

decided...

to give credit
for a job well done

to the Colombian army.

Now, those monkeys...
Excuse the expression...

Wouldn't have been able
to find Pablo Escobar

if he was hiding
in their own jock strap.

Yeah, well...

So I've been waiting here
ever since

to take down the cocaine cartel.

- You want some?
- Yes, I do. What is it?

- Urine.
- It's what?

- You drinking your own piss?
- Oh, hell no!

[laughter]

I couldn't fill this up
by myself.

No, I got a couple of guys who go to the
bars downtown and fill it up fresh.

Gives your skin a really nice glow.
You'd understand that.

Can you help us or what, bro?

Let me ask you a question.

Do you want help
getting your friend back

or do you wanna take down
the cartel?

Look, man, we're willing to do
whatever it takes.

We just don't wanna die,
if you know what I'm saying.

We like being alive.

OK. I will train you.

[rapping table]

But, boys, now is the time

where you make the decision

to be man enough
to call yourself soldiers.

Because once you go into this
thing, there is no turning back.

Once you awaken the beast, you
better have the balls to slay him.

"Dinner at the Garden.

I will send for you.
Maria."

Hmm, what's that?

"Don't even think
about cancelling."

[playing "Greensleeves"]

I cannot believe that you
did that to your best friend.

He probably wanted to kill you.

Oh, he did.

Vincent hates it when you mess
with his hair, let alone shave it.

But enough about him.
What do you call this again?

- Carne con salsa de tamarindo.
- It's the best one I've had.

- What did I tell you? Right?
- Oh, my God.

Why do you speak
such good English?

Well, I was born here
in Colombia,

but I was educated
in the States.

Actually, spent most
of my life in New York City.

But I got pretty homesick

so I decided to come back
to be with my father.

That's... that's really sweet.

I like you, Kurt.

I really like you, too, Maria.

And I'm honored that a woman
as beautiful as you

would want to have
a dinner like this with me.

But I'm a little concerned
about your father

and some of his men.

Have you seen what goes on here?

It's not always that pretty.

Listen, my father gives
these men opportunities

that they would have never received
anywhere else in this country.

He gives them a chance
at a good life, you know?

I'm pretty sure I saw a man
ripped in half today.

They're not always appreciative
as they should be.

It's sad.
I weep for them.

I just want you to know
that I respect your father.

I mean, I...
I respect him.

A lot.

[speaking Spanish]

Gracias.

It doesn't sounds as nice
when he says it.

[rooster crows]

Goddamn, man, my head
fucking is killing me.

Hey, mornin'.

Whose idea was it
to drink moonshine?

I didn't drink it, man.

You and old boy was up
singing and dancing

like y'all
was best friends forever.

You do realize this dude's
bat-shit crazy, right?

Pretty much.

I'm telling you, Vince,
this is like some movie shit.

And I know how this story goes.

How does the story go?

Man, you ain't never seen
them Harrison Ford movies?

You know, he starts out
in Washington.

Then he comes down
to South America.

Next thing you know,
all his friends

get blown up
by rockets and shit.

Keep going.

They probably already took
his ID out his wallet, right?

Found out his address.

They probably sent a hit man
to his crib in L.A.

and killed his wife Brenda.

Let's just go
to the embassy, all right?

It's not like this GI Joe
motherfucker gonna be able...

What the fuck?!

Never underestimate
the element of surprise.

First lesson: always be
aware of your surroundings.

That was a lesson?

Yes, it was.

And training day
is just about to begin.

[mouthing words]

So you stayed up all night
painting yourself like your wall?

Affirmative.

Maria and Kurt had grown
quite fond of one another,

but when you're the daughter
of the world's

most notorious drug lord,

nothing remains a secret
for long.

- Maria!
- Luis.

You should have told me you were
going to leave the grounds,

especially in front
of our new employee.

Luis, always a comandante.

[speaking Spanish]

Kurt, this is one of
my father's men, Luis Diego.

Yep, we've had the pleasure
of meeting.

He showed me
his knife collection.

We need to talk to Señor Kurt.

Talk to him.

Not here, in private.

You can talk to him here

in front of me
and everybody else.

No, it's OK.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'll be fine.

Carlo.

Hey!

Uhh! Stay! I got this!

Ow!

Now, Mr. Pomeroy,

are you enjoying
Garcia's daughter?

Whoa. That sounds like
a loaded question there, buddy.

[speaking Spanish]

I believe that in America...

the word "buddy" means
we're amigos.

We are no way amigos,
you gringo bastard.

¿Me entiendes?

Yeah... I get it.

Not... not buddies.

Who are your friends...

at the Policía station
asking all the questions?

I don't know anyone else here.

Ohhh!

OK... OK. They're harmless.

All right? I can talk to them.

Just let me talk to them,
and I'll keep them quiet.

I'll get them to stop
talking to the police.

Policía is no longer
the problem.

Oh, my God! What the hell
is wrong with you people?

Is killing all you know?

- What? OK.
- Let me tell you this.

When I find your two amigos,

I am going to cut
their tongues out

if they are lucky.

If you touch them,
I'll kill you!

[chuckles]

OK!

Gentlemen, welcome
to my training ground.

You know what we're gonna do
here, a little agility training,

a little bit of speed, and
maybe some weapons capability,

see if we can turn you
into some soldiers.

How's that sound?

- It's cool.
- It's cool, man, let's do it.

That's cool, man,
let's do it... Sir!

- [cocking gun]
- All right, let's go over here.

Yes, sir.

Come on, come on!

Swing it!

Aaaaah!

Why would you own
such a device?!

Be a man about it!

[Vincent sobbing]

Climb over a wall.

[Vincent] Aaaah!

Ugggh!

Climbin'!

There's the enemy, Vincent.
That's the bomber, get it!

[firing]

What?

Right here we got Niger.

Niger runs right across

the same latitude as Colombia,
right there.

What you gonna do
when they come after you?

That isn't how to kill a bird.
What are you doin', man?!

The line goes down here
like that.

Hey!
That's where you're comin' in.

Right, and then
if he's coming in here,

then he's gotta go in there.

- Right, right here.
- He's right in there.

- [Vincent] Right.
- [Jon] You search for him.

[Vincent] But if he's
gonna be over here...

Go!

[Jon] Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[indistinct shouting]

- [Vincent laughing]
- You bitches!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

[both chuckle]

[chuckles]

It is my honor
to go into battle with you.

You are my brethren.

And one of our own is captive
by the poison

that is the cartel.

We need to rescue our friend.

We need to bring him back
to the nest.

Let's do it.

Hoo-yah!

[all] Haaaa!

All right, gentlemen, let me get
a picture for posterity.

I just have to say one thing.

There's only one thing
you need to know

to keep from getting killed
in battle, OK?

And that rule is, you must
never, and I mean never...

- [chickens squawking]
- [Vincent] Oh, my God!

God damn!

Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up!

Man, this shit is fucked up.

We ain't cut out
for this shit, Vincent.

Don't even go there, man. This
is what Jon trained us for.

It's not like the movies like
you're always talking about.

It's not like we're gonna
show up, man,

and there's gonna be a mansion with
guys in suits and Uzis and shit.

We'll go in there and kick
the door down L.A. style.

Man, why you bullshittin'
yourself and me?

That motherfucker was
Special Forces, Marine Corps,

crazy son of a bitch, and he
got killed by a Mexican bitch

in a motherfucking
chicken truck.

Man, have you ever seen
Breaking Bad?

Two regular dudes, right?
Come on.

Then they became bad asses
and started cappin' people.

That's exactly what we could do.

That was a TV show.

And it took 'em four seasons
to become bad asses.

I've been a screw-up, bro,
ever since we were kids, man.

I've never achieved anything
I set out to do,

and I know that, man,
I just kept bullshittin' people.

But right now,
if I don't go get Kurt back,

this is all my fault, man,
this is my chance.

This is your chance, man.
What have you got to go back to?

Come on, man, you look good.
Look at you.

You're holding guns and shit.

All right, I hear you,
motherfucker, you know.

We do got guns and shit. Shit, I got
a couple of grenades right here.

That's what I'm... Do you even
know how to use those things?

No, but I can hit a motherfucker
in the head long-distance.

[speaking Spanish]

What's he saying?

I think he's saying we can
pick up the dead body now.

What do you mean, man? He's not going
anywhere. We'll get him when we come back.

- [flies buzzing]
- [Vincent] Think about it.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

With their fearless leader
now roadkill,

Vincent and Chris continue
on their quest to rescue Kurt.

I'm tired, man.
This must be it.

Why don't you make a fire, man,
and I'll shoot some food.

Man, you truly are
an ignorant motherfucker.

Why don't you just shoot a flare in the air
so they can come over here and kill us?

- I don't understand. -Garcia's
house is up the hill, fool.

I don't know anything
about this woods shit, man.

I refused to be
in the Boy Scouts growing up.

- Fuck that.
- Refused?

- [Chris laughs]
- [Vincent] Yeah.

What you got against
the Boy Scouts of America?

You better think about it.

All those old men taking
them young boys to the woods,

not allowing
any little girls to go...

Teaching them to "tie knots"
and be "Webelos."

Hmm-mm. Whole thing sounds like an
underground gay farm to me, I'm out.

That's the smartest shit
you said all week.

- We've got a special sauce.
- Piss-off.

Look at this, man.

Shed some light on the subject.

- That'll work, that'll work.
- Jackpot. Food.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

You know what?
This dude's got forks.

- Thank you.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

He might be dead,
but he was a, uh...

he was a proper dead man,
leaving his friends some stuff.

- Look, man, don't play hard-ass.
- What you talkin' about, man?

You have not talked
about your wife leaving you

one time this entire trip.

Come on, now. You need...
You need me to hug you?

Do you want me to... I will...

You see that?

You can put your head
right there.

Love is a four-letter word,
like fuck and shit.

Just something you gotta do.

[boom!]

I was in love once.

Shoot him, man, shoot him!
He's a fuckin' zombie!

I remember it like
it was yesterday.

She was the most beautiful girl
in the world.

It was in Vietnam.

And the minute we looked
into each other's eyes...

it was love.

We were going
to love each other forever.

[gun cocks]

[gunshot, body falls]

Yeah, of course, I only
knew her for 15 seconds.

[gunmen shouting in Vietnamese]

She was my opponent
in a Russian roulette game.

She lost.

- Aaaaah!
- [trigger clicks]

What was her name?

I'm gonna call her Biglet.

Biglet! [sobbing]

I tried to put her brains
back in her head, but...

that doesn't always work.

[Vincent] Hardly ever.

Man, your motherfucking ass
was dead.

He's right, man, you were dead.

I can't die.

You was dead, motherfucker.
You got hit by a chicken truck.

You guys want
to get to business now?

OK, first I gotta pee.

When we approach the mansion,

we got to approach
from the east side.

There's an outcropping of rocks.
It's great cover.

And, as I was trying to tell you before
I got run over by a chicken truck...

[explosion]

[coughing]

[man] Señor Garcia,
we all want the same things.

But your new associate here
is asking for things

that are not reasonable.

[Garcia] Not reasonable?

Mr. Pomeroy just spent
the last hour

explaining the newest
and the best option

to cut our distribution
losses by 75%.

And you say it's not reasonable.

[Garcia scoffs]

[chuckles]

Felix, your men are imbeciles.

Yes, they our cowboys
with no class.

And your country
is killing our distribution

because you idiots
are killing each other

like a bunch of uneducated
Compton gang members.

No...

No, you have no control
over your men.

Your ignorance is putting all
of us and our money at risk.

Señor Garcia, you do not know
how difficult it is

to move product in Mexico now.

We have to open up the lines
of distribution by using force.

You wanted a bigger cut so you
stopped selling us your cocaine

and started leasing us
to move it for you.

If you don't like the way
we do business,

we could go back to buying
your product wholesale.

That way you would not have
to worry about the distribution.

Very, very interesting.

Felix Santos is telling me
how to run my business.

You Mexicans.

You're just a pawn
in this chess game.

The problem is that you all
want to be kings.

Right here is your king.
Don't forget who your king is.

[Felix] Juanito.

You do not realize how important
we are to your... "kingdom."

Without us,
you will be struggling

to even get your product
into the United States.

And you, Mr. Pomeroy...

[chuckles]

your idea of 25747s into Canada

and then rerouting them
into the southern states,

it's... it's too costly.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we will lose
less product overall,

but we need more manpower
as it is.

But, Juan, must you not forget

that battling the three-headed
monster that is the United States

is hard enough.

If you choose to disrespect me,

and our efforts,

you will be adding
one more head to that monster.

King, learn to respect
your pawns,

for they are the largest army
on the chess board.

Luis, I think Mr. Santos
and his body guards

have overstayed their welcome.

[Luis] Consider it done.

[Garcia] Gracias.

[fingers snap]

Mr. Pomeroy, tomorrow morning
we are going to Mexico City

to meet our new distribution.

[Kurt, whispering] Maria!

- Maria!
- Kurt.

Look, uh...

- We're going horseback riding, want to join us?
- Horses? No, no.

Absolutely not.

Look, there's been a problem.
I, uh...

I just saw your father and Felix
Santos, they got into an argument,

and I'm pretty sure Diego is on his
way to kill Santos and his men.

Did you not just hear
what I said?

Yeah, you were rambling on
about Santos or something.

- Do you not like me anymore?
- I like you so much.

I mean, you're the most
beautiful woman I've ever seen.

It's just that... these people,
they're killing each other

on a daily basis and...
it's insane.

You are so cute
when you're nervous.

Well, you...

you remember my two friends
I told you about?

- Uh, Vincent and Christopher?
- Your gringos?

Those gringos, the ones that
have been going to the police

and telling them about me
being missing 'cause I'm here.

Uh, and I'm pretty sure that
Diego is gonna either kill them

or the United States is gonna
send someone here to find me.

Either way, it's gonna end
bad for us.

My father will handle them all.

You are safe here.

I don't want them handled, I want
them alive, they're my friends!

You don't need them anymore.

You have a new family here.

Now, let's go horseback riding.

Uh... I gotta go change.
I'll be right back.

[sighs] I'm gonna
have to kill him.

Aren't I?

Oh, Blanca...

probably.

[rapping on truck]

[Chris, whispering]
Which way we headed?

This things says north.

So like northwest right there.
That should be it.

Hey, man, look.

Moss grows on the north side
of the trees.

Learned that in Boy Scouts.

Well, why don't you go look
for some fuckin' moss

on the north side of the trees
and I'm gonna use technology,

and we'll meet there?

I'll never find your ass.

Look, man,
I somehow got service.

I can't get it
in the middle of L.A.,

but I damn sure get it out here,
I'm using this.

Unbeknownst to our heroes,

the Colombian army was already
mobilizing against the cartel.

[speaking Spanish]

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

What, you mental midget
motherfucker?

Thought there weren't gonna be
nobody in suits and shit.

Who fuckin' thought they'd be
walkin' around in suits, man?

You think a guy's job,
he goes home, changes clothes,

and goes, "Fuckin' relieve the next guy
who walks around in a suit with an Uzi"?

You got a problem, man.
You got a motherfucking problem.

This look like a Scarface
reunion up in here, man.

We ain't built for this shit,
I'm tellin' ya.

I'm bouncin', I'm gettin'
the fuck up outta here.

[whispering] No, man.

Shut up.

It's a Mexican on a bicycle,
man, with a box.

Let me see that.

Let me see
the motherfuckers, man.

Here, hold this.
Stay on point, man.

- I trained with this gun.
- Shut the fuck up.

Pull the trigger,
that's all, it's a gun.

Bang-bang, motherfucker.

I'll be goddamn.

Sellin' a box of oranges
at a motherfucking cartel crib.

Gimme the gun.

[Vincent] What the fuck is that?

- I don't know, man.
- Play dead, play dead!

Play dead? This your motherfucking
idea of "play dead"?

I didn't come here to do
a no motherfucking Machiavelli.

- Shut the fuck up!
- You mensch.

Mensch!

Just laying you down
into this motherfucking shit.

- OK.
- Motherfucker.

Like we been trained,
let's kill somebody.

Somebody got to die
with this bitch.

[Chris] Where'd he go?

They pulled out a freakin' head.
They pulled a fuckin' head out.

Hold the gun, motherfucker.

We need an extra brain,
motherfucker.

Let's go get the head. Maybe he
can think of some better shit.

A dead man think
better planning.

Just go, crawl, crawl!
Come on!

Diego.

What?

What the hell?

Vincent, Christopher!

You guys are gonna
get yourselves killed.

Hey! Maria!

Maria! Hi! I need to talk
to her, just for a second.

Maria...
Holy shit, you look amazing.

I love leather
and Japanese anime.

[gunfire]

That's, um...
That's a Mexican cartel.

They killed Diego.
We have to get out of here.

I know, that's why I'm preparing
to kill Santos myself.

Wait, sit down, sit down.

My friends are here, all right?
You can come with us.

You, too. Or not.

- Your friends?
- Yeah, Vincent and Christopher?

They're alive, all right?
Come with us, I'll protect you.

You dirty gringos.

You think you can come here and
take our business and our home?

What? It's not
like that at all.

[speaking Spanish]

[screaming]

Yaaaa!

[machine-gun firing]

Kurt, come on!

Come on so we can
get the hell outta here!

- Come on!
- [Kurt screeching]

- [Kurt] Oh, my God!
- [Chris] Keep your head down.

Vincent, this is the craziest
thing you've ever done to us!

Get me outta here!

Who the fuck is the crazy bitch
shooting at us?

Oh, that's
Juan Garcia's daughter.

We're in love; we had
the most amazing connection.

You got a sick
motherfucking mind.

You fall in love with the biggest
bitch down here, just like back home.

I do not think this is the appropriate
place or time to be talking about this.

Shut the fuck up,
somebody's gotta shoot her!

- I love her. -You do realize
this bitch is trying to kill us?

- She's just a little confused.
- Well, then text the bitch

and tell her to quit
fucking shooting at us!

I don't even have her number.

Chris, you said you could throw a
grenade like a baseball, right?

Motherfuckin' Satchel Paige.

Throw it!

- A grenade?
- Here, hold this.

Shut up, man,
he won't pull the pin.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

You're not gonna
hurt her, right?

I'm gonna bean the bitch
and knock her the fuck out.

Listen, I'm gonna create a diversion.
You know what a diversion is?

Yeah, that's when one
motherfucker do some crazy shit

so this motherfucker
can hit the bitch.

Yeah.

Aaaaaah!

Fuck you, bitch!

[clang!]

- Oh!
- Oh! Uh-huh!

- Oh, fuck!
- What was that?

- Aaaah!
- Get the fuck down!

You just fuckin'
blew that pussy up!

[laughing]

- That's Juan Garcia!
- That's him?

- That's the man!
- The money! Go!

Move!

Wait for me!

Put the gun down!
Put the fucking gun down!

Put it down!

- [Chris] Did you see that?
- We don't...

- Goddamn!
- You a killer now, motherfucker.

Come on, let's go, this way!

[gunfire]

Goddamn, we're becoming bad asses.
This is fuckin' fun!

Hey, watch
your motherfucking gun!

Come on!

[shouting indistinctly]

[Chris] Where are you going,
motherfucker?

Maria!

- You all right, man? -No, but
throw the other grenade!

[Kurt] Get up!

[Vincent] Get it, Chris!

IBomba!

Stay here, on the ground!

[Garcia] iBomba, Bomba!

Freeze, motherfucker, freeze!

Now, you can calm down, man.
Think we got him.

They did it.

These three nitwits...
Uh, I mean heroes...

Actually captured the world's
most wanted criminal.

I'm not even sure
there's anybody left.

No, we killed
all these motherfuckers.

Maybe we should, uh,
call the embassy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's that time.

I think you motherfuckers need
to call an ambulance, man.

[Chris] Hey, man,
get in the back, man.

Get up! Get up,
motherfucker, get up!

- [Garcia] All right.
- [Chris] You heard the man.

Where is Maria?

[Vincent] No! Get the fuck back!

- Where am I goin'?
- You're standing right here.

- I got him. Get in.
- What are you doing?

Don't be shoving
that motherfucker on me!

- [Chris] Go on, get in.
- Maria!

- What did you do to my Maria?
- [Chris] Your Maria's dead!

I got that bitch's pussy in my
pocket, I'm gonna fuck it later.

- [Garcia, sobbing] Maria!
- [Vincent] Sit down!

[helicopter hovering]

So that is when Mr. Pomeroy
decided to stay in Colombia

and now runs one of the most
controversial drug cartels in history.

Yes, the Brighter Day cartel

still produces
and distributes cocaine

but they do it
in a very different way.

Most of the money is used to
build better schools and housing

in the countries
of Mexico and Colombia.

A logo for the cartel,
a new marketing department,

employee benefits...

makes this not
your everyday cartel.

The Brighter Day cartel
is estimated to have surpassed

all other cartels
in total revenue,

although specific numbers will
never be released to the public.

In parting,
we asked Kurt Pomeroy

why he does what he does.

I would ultimately say
I get high helping others,

because others got high.

- [Chris chuckles]
- So there you have it...

[Vincent] Looks good
with a mustache, don't he?

[Chris] Yeah, he does, man.
I like that.

[narrator]
So, there you have it.

One of the greatest stories
ever told.

Well, not really.

But I'm sure you'll find
some moral to this story

that you can live your life by,
or some such nonsense.

And if not, honestly,
who really gives a shit?

[female reporter]
Fazi is the newest leader

of the Taliban in Afghanistan
and now number one

on the United States'
most-wanted list.

A reward for tens of millions of dollars
is being offered for his capture.

US officials say Fazi should be
considered extremely dangerous.

- What's wrong?
- And now in other news...

Yo, you hear this?

Yeah, I heard it.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

I think you have lost your mind.
You got shot!

- Who cares? We're still here.
- Vincent!

It ain't happening, man.

Why can't you just enjoy
the money?

Man, are you not surrounded by some
beautiful girls because of it?

That's exactly why
I don't want to do

what I think you're thinking
about us doing.

I'm gonna stay right here
with the beautiful ladies.

I need deep tissue before the retarded
child comes up with another idea

that I ain't down with,
by the way.

I'm just asking you
to think about it.

It is a whole lot of money.

♪ California

♪ Let's have a party

♪ Shake it down

♪ California

♪ Knows how to party

♪ In the city...

Ohh!

[groaning]

Chris!

Vincent!

You guys...

Gosh, almighty,
I only stepped on a land mine.

It didn't kill me, pussies.

Where did you go?

Abandoned me?

God almighty.

Ooh!

This is like...

I once had the Siberian Itch.

I had the Siberian Itch.

[groaning]

I had the Siberian Itch.

In Saigon.

Hurts just like that.

♪ Living life day by day

♪ Fell in love
in less than a minute ♪

♪ Just one look...

Oh, I wish I had stuffed in
a couple other clothes.

♪ Hey-ey

♪ I met you there

♪ On a dark and rainy night

♪ The air so thick

♪ You could cut it
with a knife ♪

♪ We were bound for glory

♪ Took a gamble with our lives

♪ Through bamboo fields

♪ I ran with you

♪ We could've had it all

♪ Just to have it all fall

♪ You'd be lying in my arms

♪ Still lying on the floor

♪ My heart breaks...

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ By her own hand
she let the bullet go ♪

♪ She never heard the words
I said ♪

♪ Couldn't use my best lines

♪ Didn't have enough time

♪ She just blew up in my face

♪ The love we had
left us wanting so much more ♪

♪ Now my blank pages,
the story cut so short ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ We could've had it all

♪ Just to have it all fall

♪ You'd be lying in my arms

♪ Still lying on the floor

♪ We could've had it all

♪ Just to have it all fall

♪ You'd be lying in my arms

♪ Still lying on the floor

♪ We could've had it all

♪ Just to have it all fall

♪ You'd be lying in my arms

♪ Still lying on the floor

♪ Aaaah...

♪ Whoo

♪ Still lying on the floor