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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,097 Koyaanisqatsi. 2 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,612 That music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine. 3 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,743 - That'll be the air-conditioning. - I would've taken it off sooner 4 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:52,950 but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father 5 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,831 of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. 6 00:01:54,990 --> 00:01:57,618 Just passed his details on to the Social Services. 7 00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,334 The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds. 8 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:04,500 - It's midday. - Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now. 9 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:07,340 You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters. 10 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:10,346 Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge. 11 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,721 Music and chat for the Norfolk generation. 12 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,603 Sorry, it's the other way. 13 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,555 Later we'll be taking dedications 14 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,441 for anyone wrongly turned down for planning permission. 15 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,444 Which is the worst monger? 16 00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,823 Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one. 17 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,904 Now it's time for today's large question. 18 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,820 Large question. 19 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,738 It's the near future. 20 00:02:34,905 --> 00:02:38,330 An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, 21 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,586 has left us without a sense of smell. 22 00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,835 In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most? 23 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,882 - Tom in Diss? - Petrol. 24 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:49,303 Nice. Wrongly referred to by the Americans as "gas". 25 00:02:49,461 --> 00:02:50,929 It's petrol, not gas. 26 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,761 - Dominic in Castle Acre? - Money. 27 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,550 Yep. Joe in Holt? 28 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,639 - My wife's nightie. - You kinky get. 29 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:59,100 - Saucy sod. - She died, you see. 30 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,312 - Smells matter. - They do. 31 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,270 Hey, Greg. 32 00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:09,861 This is a great station, a real cracker. 33 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,943 Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um... this is Jason Tresswell. 34 00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,787 - Managing Director of... - Goredale Media. 35 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:19,416 Our new owners, huh? I Googled you on Yahoo. 36 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,703 That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights. 10-12. 37 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,546 Sleepy-time slot. 38 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,503 - So, are you on your way out? - You tell me. 39 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,713 Is it true you're being taken over by a bunch of corporate whores? 40 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:37,851 Er... Gillian, I'm 99% certain that's not true. 41 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,104 WE'VE GOT A TEXT HERE FROM 42 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,311 An easy way to solve the problems in Israel... 43 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,314 - A thorny issue... Would be for Judaism and Islam to merge. 44 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,319 Wouldn't hold your breath. 45 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,230 - They both hate pigs. - True enough. 46 00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:52,399 You could call it Jislam. 47 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:56,867 I think you can go in circles, can't you, trying to think of names for something? 48 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,868 Even er... a cat. 49 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,408 Well, nettles 'cause 'em, dock leaves cure 'em. 50 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,703 It's a sting. It's Sting. 51 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:04,870 ♪ Roxanne 52 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:08,256 - Sorry. - Never, never criticise Muslims. 53 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,419 Only Christians. And Jews a little bit. 54 00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,675 Alan, it's started. They're here. 55 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,681 We're being taken over. 56 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,774 So? 57 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,735 ♪ Roxanne 58 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,690 ♪ You don't have to put on the red light 59 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,864 ♪ Those days are over 60 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:40,031 ♪ You don't have to sell your body to the night 61 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,371 Hello? 62 00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:50,089 Are you in the business centre? 63 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,963 ♪ Coconut, everybody 64 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,344 ♪ Like de coconut 65 00:04:55,170 --> 00:04:57,764 ♪ Coconut, coconut... 66 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:04,013 ♪ Coconut, coconut 67 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,683 Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about how ospreys died out in Britain 68 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:11,399 and had to be reintroduced from Scandinavia in the early '90s. 69 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:16,067 Now I think there are almost 500 of them. 70 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,861 Yeah. 480. 71 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,951 It shows we should treasure and value our wildlife. 72 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,578 So, what you got, girl? 73 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,411 Well, the butchers want you to do another voiceover. 74 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,124 "Bannan's the Butcher's. 75 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,131 Yesterday's meat at today's prices." 76 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,672 You've had the mayor of Hickling get in touch. 77 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:38,089 He listens to your show and wants to offer you the freedom of the village. 78 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,266 - It doesn't even have a post office. - They give you a big key. 79 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,969 - How big? - That big. 80 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,887 - Tell him I accept. 81 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,432 Everything seems to be chugging along nicely. 82 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:50,649 Everything OK, Alan? 83 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:54,822 Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months. 84 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,490 - How does he... - He steals it from a pub. 85 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,946 - Oh. - That's a relief. 86 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,658 Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week. 87 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,123 - ♪ Roll out the barrel! - Hi, I'm Pat Farrell. 88 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:09,879 Join me tonight at 10 for a hearty casserole of tunes, cheer and chin-wag. 89 00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,590 Local folk trio Will-o-the-wisp will be playing live in the studio, 90 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,670 and I'll be taking your calls on my ever popular fireside phone-in. 91 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,258 Don't miss it. 92 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:24,010 OK, for those who haven't slipped into a coma, 93 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,930 you are listening to the Breakfast Show with Danny Sinclair and these muppets. 94 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:33,276 - How we feeling this morning, guys? - Better than you, by the look of things. 95 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,109 - I had it large. I got on it. - Take it easy tonight, then. 96 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148 I would but we've got the launch tonight. 97 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,784 North Norfolk Digital are changing their name to... 98 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,112 - Shape. - The Way You Want It To Be. 99 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,873 - ♪ Shape. - The way you want it to be 100 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,120 Coming up next, Alan Partridge. God bless him, how old is he? 101 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,209 60 or something. Got to be, hasn't he? 102 00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:54,998 55. 103 00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:57,293 Alan, we love you, mate. We love you really. 104 00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:59,678 This one's for you if you're listening. 105 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,972 It's Roachford. 106 00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,800 ♪ Cuddly Toy 107 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,771 ♪ Well, I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone 108 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,942 ♪ Not anyone that I meet 109 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,154 ♪ And I know it ain't the wine, cos I feel just fine 110 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,155 ♪ Can't you see, baby? 111 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,824 ♪ I'm still on my feet 112 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,126 ♪ Oh, but a cuddly toy 113 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:36,169 ♪ That's my only joy waiting for me when I get home, yeah 114 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,215 ♪ And what I need is a girl like you 115 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:43,922 ♪ All I need, yeah, to call my very own 116 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,972 ♪ So you gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 117 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,434 ♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 118 00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:54,725 ♪ Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 119 00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,440 ♪ Oh, gimme some love 120 00:07:58,436 --> 00:08:00,313 ♪ Come on, now... 121 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,661 Your fog lamps are on. 122 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,207 Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog. 123 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:13,368 There's no fog. 124 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:14,627 No fog. 125 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,754 ♪ Oh, a cuddly toy 126 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,836 ♪ That's my only joy 127 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,422 ♪ Waiting for me when I get home 128 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,631 ♪ Na-na 129 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,546 ♪ And what I need 130 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,715 ♪ is a girl like you 131 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,851 ♪ Just to call, call my very own 132 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:33,480 ♪ So, you gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 133 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:37,313 ♪ Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 134 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,528 ♪ You gotta feel for me, baby ♪ Feel for me, baby 135 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,860 ♪ Oh, gimme some love 136 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,492 Love that noise. 137 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,744 Michael, do it outside. 138 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,324 - Morning, Michael. - Morning, Mr. Partridge. 139 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,123 - Paper. - I was doing a fist bump. 140 00:08:56,286 --> 00:09:00,086 - You would say that now you've lost. - It's instead of a handshake. 141 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,960 Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. 142 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,800 But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist? 143 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,341 - Did you hear him making fun of you? - I did, but as Oscar Wilde said, 144 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,056 "There's only one thing worse than being talked about." 145 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,312 - Cancer. - No. "Not being talked about." 146 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,560 Oscar Wilde said that's worse than cancer? 147 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,021 Yeah. I think he was at a party. 148 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,687 Probably just being a gay show-off. 149 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,238 ♪ Shape, Shape, Shape 150 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,370 Do you know what I really like? I like waking up 151 00:09:25,383 --> 00:09:27,367 in the morning, breathing in the air and er... 152 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,904 actually realising I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. 153 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,244 No, I am joking, obviously, but er... 154 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:37,912 they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed. 155 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,421 But they're all behind me now. 156 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,957 - Morning, Angela. - Morning, Alan. 157 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,342 Alan Partridge has just walked into the building. 158 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,720 Walking and talking, like The West Wing. 159 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,673 - Hope he hasn't hurt himself! - Mr. President, we have a code red. 160 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,763 - I've never seen the show. - No, me neither. 161 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,520 Corner coming up. 162 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,148 You never know what's round the corner. 163 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,272 More corners, usually. 164 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,730 Imagine a world without corners. 165 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:10,281 No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone would be going round in circles. 166 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,583 Wow. 167 00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:20,503 I enjoyed that. 168 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,756 I will tell you one thing. 169 00:10:22,914 --> 00:10:24,666 When I was going through my bad times, 170 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:29,839 I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe not the place to be and... 171 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,387 just because it's so ﬂat and there was a sort of a... 172 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:36,349 a bleakness about the place, but obviously now... 173 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,980 You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that. 174 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,228 - I wasn't planning to, Pat. - You seen this memo? 175 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,519 "Exciting new phase. Here's to the future." 176 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,359 - My days are numbered. - No-one's getting sacked. 177 00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,432 It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when 178 00:10:48,445 --> 00:10:50,367 the swimming pool allegations came out. 179 00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:51,614 - He was in bits. - Yeah. 180 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,622 It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. 181 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,416 - He didn't even know them. - Yeah, but where is he now? 182 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,454 - He runs his own business. - There. He's back on his feet. 183 00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,337 Rents out bouncy castles. 184 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,214 For adults, yeah? 185 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:08,343 - Look at this memo. - I've seen the memo. It's quite simple. 186 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,471 Goredale Media are simply re-imagining our core brand values 187 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,475 and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery. 188 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,098 - They're people people. - People people sack people. 189 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,435 No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people. 190 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,817 - Can you have a word with them, Alan? - Would you? 191 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,521 Er... sure. As soon as I can get them all in the same room together. 192 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,531 - They're all up in the boardroom now. - That's great. 193 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,988 Thank you. Thank you, Alan. You're a pal. 194 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:35,370 Well, pals is pals. 195 00:11:36,654 --> 00:11:41,376 If we're all looking at the last quarterly figures for North Norfolk on page 6. 196 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,832 Then if you turn to page 5. 197 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:49,134 Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender, but any chance of a wa-wa? 198 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,088 - It's not a good time, Alan. - It's fine, we've time. Come in. 199 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:56,596 Oh, we moved the other thing. Yeah, it's a good time. 200 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,305 Alan. Alan Partridge. 201 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,603 Jason Tresswell, MD of Goredale Media. 202 00:12:01,012 --> 00:12:04,107 It's not "Alan Alan Partridge". It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge". 203 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,063 I know some people do have two names. 204 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,103 Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance. 205 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,021 Duran Duran. 206 00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:11,986 Yeah, that's not as good. 207 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,947 Um... Kris Kristofferson. 208 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:18,162 Excellent small talk. Gentlemen, to business. 209 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:21,867 I am here as one of the more senior D-jocks at this station. 210 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:23,831 I'm here to talk about jobs. 211 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:27,460 Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it? 212 00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:29,541 Should er... snap my heels together. 213 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,296 - Achtung! - Guten Tag. 214 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,257 Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you. 215 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,513 I want you to do something for me. 216 00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:41,015 I want you to take all your prejudices, put them in a box marked "prejudices", 217 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:44,143 put it to one side, wipe the prejudice juice off your hands... 218 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:47,226 Can I just stop you there? Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it. 219 00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:49,690 I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, 220 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:52,605 which is interesting, because there's one in this room. 221 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,566 - Wanna know his name? - Pat Farrell. 222 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,360 It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old. 223 00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,701 Old people, much like dogs, are blindly loyal. 224 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:03,537 And if Pat hi-tails it to Cedar FM and they follow, 225 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:06,920 you've got a grey exodus on your hands. A grexodus. 226 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:12,050 Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem quite so cool any more, does it? 227 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,757 Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well. 228 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:17,263 I didn't know that. I did not know that. 229 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:28,024 - The point is... - You were talking about Pat Farrell. 230 00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:30,693 Pat Farrell is a great guy. 231 00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:34,698 He's always the first to speak up at union meetings, 232 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,488 being a member of a union. 233 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:43,040 He's also Irish, which again, weirdly, a plus point, if you like swearing. 234 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,950 "Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat". 235 00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:48,711 Some Irish people say “Feck off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off" 236 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:50,713 but I think that's bullshit or bellshit. 237 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,092 - The bottom line is, he swears too much. - This is all very interesting... 238 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,093 I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words. 239 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,927 Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys, seriously. 240 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,550 I can condense that to three words. 241 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,309 Just sack Pat. 242 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,194 That completes my presentation. 243 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,531 Gentlemen, I'll leave you to your biscuits. 244 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,497 Gloves. 245 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:29,161 Oh, fuck. 246 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,666 Glove. 247 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,213 ♪ Shape 248 00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,966 ♪ The way you want it to be 249 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,922 Ahh! That was soft rock cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac. 250 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:42,182 And this was Mid-Morning Matters. 251 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,725 Where once again, 252 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,931 - mid-morning... mattered. - Mattered. 253 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,472 Supposed to do it in sync. 254 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,273 - Always leave a gap. - Sorry. 255 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,809 Simple. Very simple. 256 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:56,984 - You're listening to Shape. - The Way You Want It To Be. 257 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,283 Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long? 258 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,834 It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later. 259 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,045 I'm not happy about it, but... 260 00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,083 I'll have to go along with it, won't I? 261 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:22,723 The... The problem is that the phone rings even when I'm speaking on it, 262 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,848 so it sounds bloody weird. 263 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:30,021 In fact, I think it just did it then. Did you hear it? Yes? 264 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,273 Yeah. He heard it too. 265 00:15:32,849 --> 00:15:35,068 OK, well, I'll leave it with you. 266 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,194 Mm-hm. Yep. 267 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,730 Yep. 268 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,694 All right. Thanks, Susan. 269 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:46,328 If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone, there'll be hell to pay. 270 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,582 They wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my listeners. 271 00:15:49,740 --> 00:15:52,243 Just gave me 30 minutes to clear out my locker. 272 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,955 Well, at least I'm getting their mugs dirty. 273 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,208 Thanks, Alan. You always stuck up for me. 274 00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,297 Not like the others. 275 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,339 Well, I'll let you get back to... Geoff. 276 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:08,802 - Who's Geoff? - Geoff Susan. 277 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:10,512 Oh, yes, of course. 278 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,393 Ahh... 279 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,320 I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn? 280 00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,195 I mean, I think he knew his days were numbered. 281 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,325 More of an assisted suicide really. 282 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,740 I just ﬂew him to Switzerland and filled out a few forms and... 283 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,454 ...sloped off to the airport. 284 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:35,502 I've got to be honest, Lynn, I'm feeling pretty crummy. 285 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,960 Pat's Irish, isn't he? 286 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,669 To be sure. 287 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,585 Why don't you donate £50 to Sinn Fein? 288 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:44,470 Perfect. 289 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,135 Love that noise. 290 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,016 Keep me away from the sausage rolls. 291 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,722 I'm wearing my chubby clothes again. 292 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:52,975 - I noticed. - What the chub, or the clothes? 293 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,764 - 'Dad. - ' MS"Dad. 294 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,849 Not that funny, Lynn. 295 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,935 - ♪ Calvin Harris feat. - Bounce 296 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,361 - I used to go with prostitutes. - Brilliant. 297 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,323 Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. 298 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,327 Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile. 299 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,083 Yeah, I was withdrawing. 300 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995 I've got my minder with me. 301 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,038 - Lynn? - She might not seem tough 302 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,583 but I once saw her stamp on 50 cockroaches in a minute. 303 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,467 He didn't see. He was in the next room. 304 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,503 - It was in Wales. - It's true, yeah. 305 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:28,594 All I could hear was crunch, crunch, crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp. 306 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,851 I thought she was country dancing whilst eating cereal. 307 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:35,013 I thought it was the End of Days. They were legion. 308 00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,601 Lynn likes The Bible. 309 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,604 I've never understood moths. 310 00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:41,394 They only come out at night, yet they're attracted to light. 311 00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,802 I don't know why they just don't come out during the day. 312 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:46,657 I've nothing to add to that. If you substituted butterﬂy... 313 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,739 Could you go and get me some sausage rolls? 314 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:52,826 If you substituted butterﬂy for moth, I think it would sound like poetry, yeah. 315 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,787 Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say: 316 00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:58,795 "I wandered lonely as a moth to eat some jumpers in a drawer." 317 00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:03,211 "As if that wasn't bad enough, it ate my sock upon the moor." 318 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:12,266 Yeah. It's just... I don't know why a sock could be on the moor. 319 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,393 A mitten, maybe. 320 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,896 I actually spewed up some of my stomach lining. 321 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:20,103 I don't know if you've ever done er... done any horse, have you? 322 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,940 - I've ridden a donkey. - No, no, no, I mean heroin. 323 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,525 I know what you mean. No, I've not done heroin. 324 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:28,532 - I don't like subtitles in my films. - If you can read, read a book. 325 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,240 Citizen Kane. Black and white. I haven't seen that. 326 00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:34,656 I tell you what, the best film for me, ever, is still The Godfather. 327 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:36,916 - Ah, amazing film. - Perfect film. 328 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,543 "I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.“." 329 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,545 - Amazing acting, though. - Great acting. 330 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,001 I tell you what's even better 331 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:46,714 a lot of people are shocked when I say this - the camera angles. 332 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,719 - Alan, I need a word. - Camera angles? 333 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,263 It's rather delicate. 334 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:54,517 Remember when you took me for that Christmas meal at the ice rink? 335 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,973 You remember that woman disinfecting the boots? 336 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,313 The one that took a shine to you? 337 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,600 I went home and you and her... 338 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,727 Well, it's... none of my business. 339 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:08,148 It is none of your business, but for the record, went back to her place, 340 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,818 watched Air Crash Investigation, then I fell asleep in her big armchair. 341 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,406 A perfectly normal woman. 342 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,162 Well, she's here. 343 00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:17,369 Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. 344 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,121 - I'll tolerate one, but not both. - Fine. 345 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:22,541 But you said I could pop by any time. 346 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,956 I know, but my career's hanging by a thread. 347 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,295 - And I'm an embarrassment, am I? - No, no. 348 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,923 You just wanted sex, you used me. 349 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:31,679 Well, maybe you used me. 350 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,932 I-I didn't have much of a say over what went on that night. 351 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,602 Didn't hear you complaining. 352 00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,271 - I couldn't speak. - See you round mine again, then. 353 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:41,976 I... don't know, I'm... I'm... 354 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:46,357 - What's wrong with my place? - Well... all those dogs barking. 355 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,192 But it's their bedroom too. 356 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,490 May I have a word? 357 00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,538 You're talking clap... crap! 358 00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,496 I sound like a fucking Chinky when I'm pissed! 359 00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:07,548 There we go. All done. 360 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,169 - What did you say to her? - I told her that God loves everyone. 361 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,629 Even sluts. 362 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:16,015 - Good night, Lynn. - Night, Alan. 363 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,160 Hello? 364 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,287 V funny. Tee-hee. 365 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,706 Very impressive. 366 00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:53,215 Oh, they must have left in a hurry. Something weird's happened. 367 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:04,977 All right, you freaked me out, so just... pack it... 368 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,356 There you are! 369 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,983 Pat? Agh! 370 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,609 I'm down. 371 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,497 You... 372 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,788 You step to me? 373 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,420 Simon. 374 00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:33,175 Er... 375 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:35,336 Yeah, all right. I'll go on without you. 376 00:21:50,893 --> 00:21:53,237 Stop! Stop! Stop! 377 00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,819 - I need to commandeer this vehicle. - What? 378 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:57,824 - There's a mad man with a gun. - Um... 379 00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:00,077 - He's Irish! - Get in. 380 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:05,329 Why do you sit so close to the wheel? I could steer with my balls! 381 00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:09,745 - Where's the nearest police station? - Just here. 382 00:22:09,912 --> 00:22:11,789 Oh... thanks. 383 00:22:11,956 --> 00:22:14,050 Are you Alan Partrid...? 384 00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:19,676 Assault, battery, kidnap, chronic thuggery, 385 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,430 brandishment, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm... 386 00:22:24,385 --> 00:22:25,887 - ..harm. - Just stick to what you saw 387 00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:28,393 and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH. 388 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,729 - You mean aitch? - That's what I said. 389 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,518 Nearly, you said haitch. 390 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,685 "Ha" is the sound of the letter, aitch is its name. 391 00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:36,864 One is ha, the other is aitch. Neither is "haitch". 392 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:38,902 - I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous. - Mr. Partridge? 393 00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:41,319 - Something else we need to talk about. - Oh... 394 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,579 - You're not in trouble. - Oh, fine. 395 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,084 I've never been in a police car before. 396 00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,336 May I lower the window, please? 397 00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:59,090 Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha Papa arriving at the school building. 398 00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:00,971 - Officer. - Mr. Partridge. 399 00:23:01,130 --> 00:23:04,009 - You were at the police station. - I was just in the car with you. 400 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,222 - If you want to follow me, please. - Huh. 401 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,479 - This way, please, sir. - Yep. 402 00:23:10,389 --> 00:23:12,391 Let's do it. 403 00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:18,314 Mr. Partridge, this is the Gold Commander of the operation. 404 00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:22,326 - Seriously, is that what you're called? - On this operation, yes. 405 00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:24,403 I'm Acting Chief Constable Janet Whitehead. 406 00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:27,286 - An honour. - And I'm Martin Fitch. 407 00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,284 Send. 408 00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,999 From Scotland Yard's Hostage and Crisis Unit. 409 00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:34,004 Here to lead the negotiation. 410 00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,257 Er... little bit awkward. Who's in charge? 411 00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:38,964 Make no mistake, this lady is in charge. 412 00:23:39,168 --> 00:23:43,423 So here's the situation. Pat is refusing to speak to us directly. 413 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:47,560 He's willing to give us three hostages but only if he can talk to us through you. 414 00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:50,044 Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so 415 00:23:50,057 --> 00:23:52,394 we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion. 416 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:54,354 Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal. 417 00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,610 Sorry, wrong person. 418 00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,609 Come here. 419 00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,531 OK. Now, are you on any medication? 420 00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,695 Er... Just some cream. 421 00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:10,742 I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but that's the only thing about me that is. 422 00:24:10,908 --> 00:24:14,003 Do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks? 423 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,255 Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? 424 00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:19,542 I've had one panic attack in a car wash. 425 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,837 It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, 426 00:24:23,420 --> 00:24:25,673 and angry brushes whirring towards me. 427 00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,768 By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell. 428 00:24:32,137 --> 00:24:34,435 Does the idea of weaponry trouble you? 429 00:24:34,598 --> 00:24:38,228 Er... no. I've fired several riﬂes, at fun fairs, and won prizes. 430 00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:41,364 But I've never fired one in anger, or at a cat. 431 00:24:41,897 --> 00:24:44,571 We'll have you fully briefed by the tactical firearms team. 432 00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:45,700 Cool. 433 00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:48,362 We'll keep in regular phone contact with you when you go in. 434 00:24:48,529 --> 00:24:50,122 Very cool. Sorry, go in? 435 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,749 - What, into the building? - Mm-hm. 436 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,412 - To speak to Pat in person? - Yes, is that not what you... 437 00:24:58,288 --> 00:25:00,711 - Erm... - Everything OK? 438 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,553 I'm just a little nervous about going into a car wash... er... siege. 439 00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,427 So what do you say, Al? Will you help us? 440 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,103 Yep. 441 00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:21,066 Guys, none of us choose the hand we're dealt... 442 00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,483 - You know... - We do need an answer, I'm afraid. 443 00:25:25,691 --> 00:25:27,284 Do you have another siege to go to? 444 00:25:27,443 --> 00:25:30,204 It's my understanding that if you say yes, you're allowed a few words. 445 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,577 - So you are saying yes? - I was leaving that to the end. 446 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:34,367 - If you'd like to come with me. - Sure. 447 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:36,535 Can I get a copy of that? 448 00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:39,296 - Let's keep this simple, shall we? - Roger, that. 449 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:41,207 - No heroics. - Ten-four, good buddy. 450 00:25:41,415 --> 00:25:43,417 Do not physically engage him. 451 00:25:43,584 --> 00:25:46,053 - Fight a gun, ﬂee a knife, yeah? - Where do you read that? 452 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:48,179 Big fans of you guys in TFU. 453 00:25:48,338 --> 00:25:50,887 If I had my way, all police officers would carry firearms. 454 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:53,929 I think that firearms should remain in the hands of specialists. 455 00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:57,314 I was going to say that only specialists should be allowed to fire them. 456 00:25:57,473 --> 00:26:00,192 If you think I've just made that up, you can call my assistant. 457 00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:02,523 Alan! Read my lips. 458 00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,939 If you jeopardize the safety of any of my men, 459 00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:08,450 or any of those hostages because you've not been listening to me, 460 00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:12,239 I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it. 461 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,749 You want me to buy your police uniform off you? 462 00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:18,536 No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding, is that clear? 463 00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:20,579 Yes, that's clear. Yes. That's clear. 464 00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,840 You're close to me. 465 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,339 Now, you're a smart bloke, I know you can handle it. 466 00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:28,675 - I know you won't disappoint me. - I won't. 467 00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:31,636 I aim to please you, and I... I hope to impress you. 468 00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:34,469 - Good man. - Yeah, you're a good man too. 469 00:26:35,427 --> 00:26:37,225 Right, well, Dom will fill you in. 470 00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:45,528 He has to say all that shit for the insurance. 471 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,405 - Right. - Tell me this much, mate. 472 00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:49,942 - What's your favourite siege? - Iranian Embassy. 473 00:26:50,109 --> 00:26:51,235 Same. Why? 474 00:26:51,401 --> 00:26:53,002 They used the sound of a pneumatic drill 475 00:26:53,112 --> 00:26:56,332 to disguise the noise of them removing bricks from a neighbouring wall. 476 00:26:56,532 --> 00:26:59,285 - So they could smash through and... - Take them out the game. 477 00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,545 It's just a great siege. 478 00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:03,789 Right. 479 00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:06,709 Do you want to see my gun? 480 00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:09,178 Does erm... Yes, please. 481 00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,474 Let's clock the Glock. 482 00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:17,803 You'll have to move quicker than that. 483 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:20,723 - Any last messages for your kids? - Oh... Er... 484 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:22,607 No, they don't speak to me any more. 485 00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:24,689 Yeah, "Why don't you speak to me any more?" 486 00:27:24,852 --> 00:27:26,399 I wouldn't know the answer, would I? 487 00:27:26,562 --> 00:27:30,442 So just um... just... tell them I love them. 488 00:27:38,282 --> 00:27:40,910 Pat, Alan's coming in now. 489 00:27:55,799 --> 00:27:57,472 - Greg! - Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks. 490 00:27:57,634 --> 00:28:01,559 - They let you go as well? - I'm relieved to be getting out of there. 491 00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:04,191 - Aren't there still women in there? - Yeah, well... 492 00:28:04,391 --> 00:28:07,770 I think it would be a bit sexist to let all the women go out first. 493 00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:10,234 Yeah. Sleep well, Greg. 494 00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:11,944 Thanks. 495 00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,493 Pat? 496 00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,243 Pat? 497 00:28:23,243 --> 00:28:24,290 Pat? 498 00:28:33,503 --> 00:28:35,597 - Prepare to die. - I'm not ready to! 499 00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,183 Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me. 500 00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,344 It's me - Pat. 501 00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:41,602 God, you... 502 00:28:41,762 --> 00:28:45,187 I just thought a little jokey costume would, you know, put you at ease, 503 00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,353 - give you a giggle. - Well... mission accomplished. 504 00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:50,570 Oh, God. 505 00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:52,697 - It's great to see you. - Good to see you, too. 506 00:28:52,856 --> 00:28:55,700 I bought you some cake, not that you deserve it after that. 507 00:28:55,859 --> 00:28:58,237 I should just crush it in my hand. Oh, I already have. 508 00:28:58,403 --> 00:29:01,327 - How the devil are you? - Yeah, not bad, not bad. 509 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:02,912 How are you feeling? 510 00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:04,748 - Great! - Good. 511 00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,296 Oh, er... the police told me to bring you this. 512 00:29:07,454 --> 00:29:09,127 It's just a standard field phone, 513 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:12,509 should you feel the inclination to communicate with ze authorities. 514 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:16,138 Good thing about these things, they're immune to the problems and glitches 515 00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,390 you get with satellite phones. 516 00:29:18,924 --> 00:29:21,427 But, like I say, it's just an option, really. 517 00:29:21,635 --> 00:29:27,108 I just realised, when you asked me now how I was feeling, you meant... 518 00:29:27,266 --> 00:29:29,268 Yes, I did. 519 00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:33,280 - Does this answer your question? - Yes, it does. 520 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,532 Oh, hello. Didn't see you there. 521 00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:37,693 Someone's been in the wars. 522 00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,157 - That's just Simon. - Can he breathe through that? 523 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,197 Of course. It's just like wearing a mask. 524 00:29:42,364 --> 00:29:45,163 At least when someone puts you in a mask, you've got a safe word, 525 00:29:45,325 --> 00:29:47,373 like "airbag", or "crayfish". 526 00:29:48,829 --> 00:29:50,752 What's the er... That thing? 527 00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,550 Oh, we made that. It's a head holster. 528 00:29:53,709 --> 00:29:57,430 - Never heard of one of those. - Yeah, I'll show you. Simon? 529 00:29:57,754 --> 00:29:59,848 You insert the shotgun. 530 00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,350 Place on stand. And... voilá. 531 00:30:02,509 --> 00:30:04,978 Hands free. I can move around the studio, do anything I want. 532 00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,266 And if something happens... I don't even have to look. 533 00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,814 Boom. Hit the target. 534 00:30:10,976 --> 00:30:13,195 Yeah... well, you don't need an accomplice. 535 00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,321 Well, I've got you now. 536 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:16,982 Yeah. 537 00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,827 Thank you. 538 00:30:23,155 --> 00:30:25,328 So you're with the police now? 539 00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,745 Oh, this... no, this is just... 540 00:30:29,911 --> 00:30:31,879 I think it's Velcro. There you go. 541 00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:33,586 Feck the police. 542 00:30:33,790 --> 00:30:36,339 I think they thought that if they did take a pot shot at you 543 00:30:36,501 --> 00:30:38,174 it's a siege, you've got a gun 544 00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,510 that the bullet might pass through you and hit me. 545 00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:42,925 Unless they use dum-dums, which explode inside the body. 546 00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:46,262 I said, do not use dum-dums on Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell. 547 00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,227 Just use a high-velocity round that passes through his body 548 00:30:49,431 --> 00:30:50,933 because he's a friend of mine. 549 00:30:51,099 --> 00:30:53,943 And I suppose if I want to shoot you, I can always aim for the head. 550 00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,479 Exactly. Exactly. 551 00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,940 Um... I don't even know why I'm wearing it. 552 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,363 - So take it off. - I'll happily take it off. 553 00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:01,697 Go on, then. 554 00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:04,302 - If you want me to, I'll take it off. - Fucking take it off! 555 00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,949 Oh, Pat, now you're making me want to wear it. 556 00:31:07,157 --> 00:31:09,080 This is not my bag. 557 00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,877 I'm-I'm-I'm... a disc jockey. 558 00:31:11,036 --> 00:31:13,004 I'm sorry you got the sack. 559 00:31:13,163 --> 00:31:17,418 I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in bed watching funny videos on YouTube. 560 00:31:18,835 --> 00:31:21,429 "Sneezing panda" or "Charlie bit my finger". 561 00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:24,558 Have you seen "Fat woman falls down the hole"? 562 00:31:28,929 --> 00:31:30,647 - That's hilarious. Isn't it? - Yeah. 563 00:31:30,806 --> 00:31:32,774 I've seen it before, but, yeah. 564 00:31:32,933 --> 00:31:37,029 That... That should be fenced off really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't. 565 00:31:37,979 --> 00:31:39,026 Great. 566 00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:42,151 Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask, where are the hostages? 567 00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,069 In there. 568 00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:48,624 Oh, my God! 569 00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:51,869 That's like some son of zoo from Planet Of The Apes. 570 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:55,539 Danny looks a bit... bruised. 571 00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,749 I lost my temper a couple of times. 572 00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,669 - Three times. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three. 573 00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:02,887 Go and say hello. 574 00:32:03,046 --> 00:32:05,890 - Give him a slap yourself, if you want. - Oh, no... 575 00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:09,761 No, I'll just... I'll just say hello. 576 00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,395 - Alan... - Look, do the police know we're here? 577 00:32:13,557 --> 00:32:15,184 Alan! What the hell's going on? 578 00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,025 Hey! Hey, hey, hey! 579 00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,278 Cool it with the cross-talk, you're professional broadcasters. 580 00:32:22,441 --> 00:32:25,069 - I'm not, I'm a writer. - We'll get through this with each other. 581 00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:27,038 I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else. 582 00:32:27,051 --> 00:32:28,865 Now! Whether you want to or not. 583 00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,907 This is ridiculous. 584 00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:32,701 Ow. 585 00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:34,911 Hello, er... Connor. 586 00:32:37,789 --> 00:32:39,257 - Paper. - Hi. 587 00:32:39,416 --> 00:32:42,420 OK. Pat will not communicate directly with the police. 588 00:32:42,586 --> 00:32:44,634 Only through me. 589 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,141 So as of now, I am bullhorn. 590 00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,803 - But I think we're gonna be OK. - OK? He hit me! 591 00:32:50,969 --> 00:32:54,644 Let's not get into who hit who or, you know, who may have deserved it. 592 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,854 You need to keep him away from me. Understand? 593 00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,735 What I need to do, Danny, 594 00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,108 in conjunction with Jason, is crisis management. 595 00:33:01,271 --> 00:33:03,432 I'm sure he'll agree there has been plenty of crisis... 596 00:33:03,565 --> 00:33:06,239 - But no management. - Cowabunga. Walk with me. 597 00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:10,455 Alan, you do realise you're in the box seat here? 598 00:33:10,614 --> 00:33:12,036 You've got the guy's confidence. 599 00:33:12,199 --> 00:33:13,291 Yeah. I don't know why. 600 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:16,712 I go for a curry with him once a year, and even then I don't have a starter. 601 00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,122 Trouble is, he does. 602 00:33:18,288 --> 00:33:20,256 All I need to know is can you handle it? 603 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,792 Well, er... 604 00:33:21,958 --> 00:33:24,586 Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paint-balling, 605 00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,927 realised he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway? 606 00:33:28,131 --> 00:33:29,678 - Why? - You're looking at him. 607 00:33:29,925 --> 00:33:31,848 OK, guys, quick wa-wa. 608 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,513 Just had a pow-wow with Jase, upshot is... 609 00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,274 I'm gonna be his right-hand man on this one. 610 00:33:37,474 --> 00:33:40,273 He'll be um... my left-hand man. 611 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,771 - Er... - Sorry. 612 00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:45,657 The point is, Pat has not gone mad. 613 00:33:46,107 --> 00:33:48,701 He has a grievance. He needs some son of outlet. 614 00:33:48,860 --> 00:33:55,084 This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital. 615 00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,627 OK. Pat may have... may have gone mad. 616 00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,834 He may have gone mad. 617 00:34:00,372 --> 00:34:03,672 And now we have a text from Cynthia in Holt, who writes, 618 00:34:03,833 --> 00:34:05,551 Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle... 619 00:34:05,752 --> 00:34:08,972 - Ma'am, you'd better listen to this. - ..Of our homemade plum Brandy. 620 00:34:09,130 --> 00:34:11,098 We use it to make Brandy butter... 621 00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:14,683 - Why am I listening to shit radio? - That's Pat Farrell, ma'am. 622 00:34:14,844 --> 00:34:16,437 He's broadcasting from the siege. 623 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:19,019 Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait. 624 00:34:19,224 --> 00:34:21,943 Can you gently remind Pat that we had an agreement? 625 00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:24,070 You are there to communicate with us. 626 00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:27,733 Listen, I don't know what it says in your police operation manual... 627 00:34:27,899 --> 00:34:30,618 - ..or in Psycho-babble Weekly. - Penguin Book of Sieges. 628 00:34:30,819 --> 00:34:32,742 ...or The Penguin Book of Sieges, 629 00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:35,995 ...but out here in the field, it's plenty different. 630 00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:41,209 I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe to grind, and he say, "No speaky." 631 00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:44,375 I would really like to establish a dialogue here, Alan. 632 00:34:44,541 --> 00:34:47,715 A simple tri-lateral exchange, from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat. 633 00:34:47,877 --> 00:34:50,847 - Do you understand? - No more interruptions or else! 634 00:34:51,006 --> 00:34:53,680 You think I don't have balls? I've got plenty of balls! 635 00:34:53,842 --> 00:34:56,311 I've got balls coming out of my arse! 636 00:34:58,430 --> 00:35:00,853 - Er... did you hear that? - Yes. 637 00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:04,270 Well, that's... that's the end of the call. Bye. 638 00:35:05,353 --> 00:35:08,197 You are listening to North Norfolk Digital. 639 00:35:09,441 --> 00:35:10,863 Shape. 640 00:35:11,026 --> 00:35:12,744 The Way You Want It To Be. 641 00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:15,280 The way you want it to be. 642 00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,166 - Where are all my jingles? - Jason wanted them deleted. 643 00:35:18,325 --> 00:35:20,645 - He won't have deleted them all. - He did delete them all. 644 00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:22,458 - He did delete them all, Pat. - What? 645 00:35:22,621 --> 00:35:25,215 - It was jingle genocide. - That's not helping, Simon. 646 00:35:25,373 --> 00:35:28,297 The bastard. Alan, take over for me. 647 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,550 - No. - I'm gonna straighten him out. 648 00:35:33,381 --> 00:35:35,475 Oh, and... keep it light. 649 00:35:36,176 --> 00:35:38,144 Right, um... OK. 650 00:35:38,303 --> 00:35:40,726 You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show. 651 00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:43,184 - Mainly Pat. - You, Jason. Yeah, you. 652 00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:46,024 We'll be asking... w-what time... 653 00:35:47,395 --> 00:35:52,902 ...does Mike paper slider switch to... to... 654 00:35:53,068 --> 00:35:56,914 to mouse his chocolate cups? 655 00:35:57,072 --> 00:35:59,291 - It doesn't make sense. - It doesn't make sense 656 00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:04,247 but if you can rearrange to make sense then you could win... bins... 657 00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,335 and win... 658 00:36:06,498 --> 00:36:07,499 ...and windows. 659 00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:10,886 - Alan, help me! - So that's our win a bin and window, 660 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:13,839 re-arrange the sentence, keep it light, competition. 661 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:16,508 Oh, shit. 662 00:36:16,758 --> 00:36:19,136 This is the theme from Ski Sunday. 663 00:36:19,344 --> 00:36:20,846 Sorry for swearing. 664 00:36:21,012 --> 00:36:23,106 ♪ Theme tune 665 00:36:26,518 --> 00:36:29,271 I've put up with shits like you for most of my life... 666 00:36:38,363 --> 00:36:39,660 One hour. 667 00:36:40,573 --> 00:36:44,077 And if that jingle isn't word for word what I just said, 668 00:36:44,244 --> 00:36:48,715 I am going to shoot you in the feet, then the knees, then the hands. 669 00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:53,216 And basically anything you've got two of, like your face. 670 00:36:54,254 --> 00:36:56,177 Oh, yeah. Two-faced. 671 00:36:56,339 --> 00:36:58,387 One hour. 672 00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:05,850 One hour? This is impossible. I'm gonna fucking die. 673 00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,767 What are we gonna do? 674 00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,902 You can't do a top-quality jingle in an hour. 675 00:37:10,061 --> 00:37:13,065 We can do this. Let me tell you a story, um... 676 00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:16,610 Back in the day, I was MC-ing a conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals. 677 00:37:16,818 --> 00:37:19,321 Some of the marketing guys were doing karaoke. 678 00:37:19,487 --> 00:37:22,161 I didn't join in, I tended to shun Japanese culture. 679 00:37:22,323 --> 00:37:24,667 This was the mid-90s, it was more acceptable. 680 00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:27,921 But high on a cocktail of champagne and cheap Fosters lager, 681 00:37:28,079 --> 00:37:30,002 I lunged at the microphone. 682 00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:32,418 A few minutes later, I was making grown men cry 683 00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:35,554 with my rendition of Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams. 684 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,594 Thing is, I twisted the lyrics to the Summer Of '29, 685 00:37:38,798 --> 00:37:42,098 evoking memories of the Wall Street Crash and German hyperinﬂation. 686 00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:46,106 - Remember, these guys were in sales. - Alan, where are you going with this? 687 00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:48,608 The point is, he didn't think he was any good at singing, 688 00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,610 and it turns out he was quite good. 689 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:53,067 - Yeah, that. - And that if you really, really try 690 00:37:53,229 --> 00:37:54,697 - you can do anything. - And that. 691 00:37:54,856 --> 00:37:57,405 I don't care! I'm going to fucking die! 692 00:37:57,609 --> 00:38:01,034 Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head, shoulders, knees and toes. 693 00:38:01,196 --> 00:38:04,325 - Knees and toes. - OK, man up, musos. 694 00:38:04,491 --> 00:38:06,994 - I played synth in a jazz funk band. - Great, who else? 695 00:38:07,160 --> 00:38:09,128 I used to be the drummer in Marillion. 696 00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,381 Really? There's no time for that. 697 00:38:11,539 --> 00:38:14,133 - But wow and great. - What are you gonna do first? 698 00:38:17,962 --> 00:38:20,385 I'm gonna lay down a rhythm track. 699 00:38:29,098 --> 00:38:30,315 Oh. 700 00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,148 Lynn Benfield? 701 00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,154 - I am she. - Do you know Mr. Alan Partridge? 702 00:38:35,313 --> 00:38:36,690 OK. 703 00:38:36,856 --> 00:38:38,574 He wasn't stealing crisps. 704 00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:41,031 He just gets ﬂustered at self-service checkouts 705 00:38:41,194 --> 00:38:43,822 - and takes things without scanning them. - Miss Benfield... 706 00:38:43,988 --> 00:38:47,913 He doesn't like being told to put things in bagging areas by automated women. 707 00:38:48,076 --> 00:38:50,670 No, Miss Benfield, we're here because Mr. Partridge is 708 00:38:50,870 --> 00:38:52,668 currently involved in an armed siege. 709 00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,758 - Oh. - We're informing you as his next of kin. 710 00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,175 Take me to him. 711 00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,601 ♪ Pat Farrell had a loyal following in 712 00:39:06,094 --> 00:39:08,517 ♪ The local community 713 00:39:08,847 --> 00:39:11,646 ♪ But Goredale Media fucked him over 714 00:39:11,808 --> 00:39:14,903 ♪ Cos they don't care about loyalty 715 00:39:15,353 --> 00:39:18,106 ♪ The only things they give a shit about 716 00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:20,947 ♪ Is the profit margins 717 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,200 ♪ And if they don't re-instate him 718 00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:27,206 ♪ He'll take it out on the hostages 719 00:39:27,407 --> 00:39:29,785 ♪ Even the ones with kids 720 00:39:29,951 --> 00:39:32,921 ♪ Better get yourself some body bags 721 00:39:36,332 --> 00:39:38,050 That was beautiful. 722 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,428 - Could you make me some more? - Ooh. Er... 723 00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,264 - Definitely! - Yes, maybe. 724 00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:50,563 Local folk trio Will'o-the-wisp won't be coming in now. 725 00:39:50,722 --> 00:39:54,352 Apparently, there are road closures in Norwich due to a major police... 726 00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:56,937 Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield. 727 00:39:57,103 --> 00:40:00,152 We're speaking to anyone who can help us build a picture of Pat Farrell. 728 00:40:00,315 --> 00:40:01,908 - You said you know him? - Ah, well... 729 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,615 I made three cakes for him over the last year. 730 00:40:04,861 --> 00:40:07,705 But there was nothing in them that would have led him to do this. 731 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:09,439 They were very plain. 732 00:40:09,452 --> 00:40:11,212 That's not one of our lines of investigation. 733 00:40:11,242 --> 00:40:13,244 Just tell us what you know about Pat. 734 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:16,039 Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair. 735 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:20,176 He's a strong man, with strong arms and a good walk. Moves well. 736 00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,761 - That's very helpful, Lynn. - Oh. 737 00:40:22,921 --> 00:40:24,923 - Thank you. - Now, how about some coffee? 738 00:40:25,089 --> 00:40:27,057 Oh, of course. How do you take it? 739 00:40:27,216 --> 00:40:30,436 No, no, we'll get it for you. Just sit there, I'll be back. 740 00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:32,267 Oh... 741 00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:34,432 Wichita Lineman 742 00:40:38,311 --> 00:40:40,484 I hate all this shit. Telling us how to speak. 743 00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:43,116 They think they're giving us an identity but they're... 744 00:40:43,274 --> 00:40:44,867 Turning us into nobodies. 745 00:40:45,026 --> 00:40:47,154 We're just unit-shifters for the money men. 746 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:49,197 Sounds quite good. 747 00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:56,921 Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s? 748 00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,879 I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did. 749 00:41:01,167 --> 00:41:02,635 Penny for them. 750 00:41:02,794 --> 00:41:05,217 Keep the penny, you've got a gun. 751 00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:08,975 But, yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover 752 00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,976 towing a speed boat. 753 00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,309 I used to dream about growing old with someone I love. 754 00:41:15,139 --> 00:41:16,982 Hm. Both valid. 755 00:41:17,141 --> 00:41:19,235 It's not gonna happen now, is it? 756 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:26,864 I miss my Molly so much. 757 00:41:30,905 --> 00:41:32,999 - Who's this chap? - That's Molly. 758 00:41:33,908 --> 00:41:35,376 Yes, of course. 759 00:41:37,745 --> 00:41:40,624 She's got such... brown hair. 760 00:41:43,209 --> 00:41:46,884 A year after that was taken, the angels took her. 761 00:41:49,924 --> 00:41:51,551 Must have been a few of them. 762 00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,642 Now I've nobody. No wife. 763 00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:57,440 No family. No kids. 764 00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,735 I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. 765 00:42:04,897 --> 00:42:08,151 Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. 766 00:42:08,317 --> 00:42:10,365 I remember... 767 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,407 a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. 768 00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:18,287 The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," 769 00:42:18,453 --> 00:42:20,547 and... you know... 770 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:23,918 I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. 771 00:42:24,083 --> 00:42:28,008 When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. 772 00:42:29,797 --> 00:42:31,390 Miserable. 773 00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:36,604 Sounds lovely. 774 00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:47,278 ♪ And the Wichita lineman 775 00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:54,289 ♪ Is still on the line 776 00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:03,039 Go-o-o-od morning! 777 00:43:03,206 --> 00:43:05,129 Crayfish! 778 00:43:06,918 --> 00:43:08,420 I feel absolutely great. 779 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:11,715 There's a lot to be said for a good sleep and a hot shower. 780 00:43:12,673 --> 00:43:13,799 Yeah. 781 00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:16,686 Sleep well, Alan? 782 00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,314 Er... yes, thank you. 783 00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,559 As the Shape siege enters its first morning, 784 00:43:22,725 --> 00:43:24,272 police are refusing to confirm 785 00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,571 the number or identities of the hostages 786 00:43:26,729 --> 00:43:28,402 still being held at gunpoint 787 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:30,404 by sacked DJ, Pat Farrell. 788 00:43:30,858 --> 00:43:32,201 Fellow DJ Alan Partridge 789 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:33,737 is in contact with the police 790 00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:36,201 who are now set up at the school behind me. 791 00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:38,366 What would you like us to play, Iris? 792 00:43:38,533 --> 00:43:40,160 Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson. 793 00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,418 Aw. 794 00:43:41,577 --> 00:43:45,207 I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately that's not in the system. 795 00:43:45,373 --> 00:43:48,047 We are only allowed play-approved tracks. 796 00:43:48,209 --> 00:43:51,554 But, Pat, you've got a gun. You can play whatever you like. 797 00:43:51,712 --> 00:43:54,261 Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do, OK? 798 00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:57,806 Remember we used to choose our own records? 799 00:43:57,969 --> 00:44:02,065 Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if you were tired or couldn't be bothered. 800 00:44:02,223 --> 00:44:04,066 Yeah. 801 00:44:04,225 --> 00:44:06,193 You like country music, Alan? 802 00:44:06,352 --> 00:44:07,979 Can't say I do, Pat. 803 00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:11,657 It's just jilted spouses complaining whilst drunk. 804 00:44:12,191 --> 00:44:14,159 Also known as a date, if you're over 40. 805 00:44:14,318 --> 00:44:16,946 When a listener asks for a song and I don't have it, 806 00:44:17,113 --> 00:44:19,207 I feel like I've let them down. 807 00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:22,376 And Willie Nelson was Molly's favourite too. 808 00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:25,960 And Always On My Mind was her favourite song. 809 00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:37,888 Do you remember that? The old road show bus. 810 00:44:38,050 --> 00:44:40,303 Remember it? I took my family camping in that. 811 00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,437 - Yeah? - That was a tough nine days. 812 00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:45,437 You see, this bus brought joy to hundreds. 813 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,102 I wonder where it is now. 814 00:44:47,268 --> 00:44:50,021 Probably impounded after it crushed those scouts. 815 00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:52,065 No, no, it's in the basement. 816 00:44:52,231 --> 00:44:53,278 - Oh? - Yeah. 817 00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:55,409 - Did not know that. - I used... Oh! 818 00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:58,367 - Forgot the record. Hold that, will you? - Sure. 819 00:45:09,999 --> 00:45:12,093 - Give me the gun, Alan. - Yeah. 820 00:45:14,587 --> 00:45:17,215 - The gun, Alan. - I was looking at my clothes before. 821 00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:20,555 Some people call it gear, don't they? Others call it an outfit. 822 00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,595 But I call it clobber! 823 00:45:23,679 --> 00:45:25,681 Jesus! 824 00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:27,441 Alan! Alan! 825 00:45:27,642 --> 00:45:29,565 Alan! Alan, give me the gun! 826 00:45:29,769 --> 00:45:32,067 - Armed police, stay where you are! - Give me the gun. 827 00:45:32,230 --> 00:45:33,482 Drop the weapon! 828 00:45:36,484 --> 00:45:37,531 Alan! 829 00:45:38,361 --> 00:45:39,988 Alan, open the door. 830 00:45:40,196 --> 00:45:43,291 I'm just trying to find some way to escape. 831 00:45:43,449 --> 00:45:44,496 Alan! Alan! 832 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:48,833 Ayatollah! 833 00:45:52,291 --> 00:45:53,668 He's got a shooter. 834 00:45:57,129 --> 00:45:58,551 Aargh! 835 00:46:01,717 --> 00:46:03,765 - You all right, Alan? - Yeah, I'm fine. 836 00:46:03,928 --> 00:46:05,430 Cuddle me, cop! 837 00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,272 Argh! 838 00:46:07,431 --> 00:46:09,058 Target down. 839 00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,977 Yours, I believe. 840 00:46:11,143 --> 00:46:13,737 You probably thought I was gay when I gave you that cuddle. 841 00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,273 Don't worry, I'm not. 842 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:17,942 - You're really cool, Alan. - Yeah, we think you're cool. 843 00:46:18,109 --> 00:46:20,862 Thank you. Sorry, who are you? 844 00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:23,865 Jason Statham. 845 00:46:24,073 --> 00:46:25,290 Jason Bourne. 846 00:46:25,449 --> 00:46:27,543 Jason Argonaut. 847 00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:30,584 - Jason Argonaut? - Mm. 848 00:46:30,746 --> 00:46:33,340 - It's Jason and the Argonauts. - Yes. 849 00:46:33,499 --> 00:46:34,671 Are you all right? 850 00:46:34,834 --> 00:46:38,805 You just said, "clobber" and then "Jason and the Argonauts". 851 00:46:38,963 --> 00:46:41,933 - Oh, sorry. - All right. 852 00:46:42,091 --> 00:46:44,185 - We go? - Yeah. 853 00:46:44,969 --> 00:46:47,188 Oh, er... by the way, thanks for not taking the gun. 854 00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,768 Oh... that's fine. 855 00:46:49,098 --> 00:46:51,942 You're listening to Pat Farrell. This is Willie Nelson, 856 00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:54,145 Always On My Mind. 857 00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:57,607 For someone who's always on my mind, my late wife Molly. 858 00:46:58,024 --> 00:47:01,119 ♪ Maybe I didn't love you 859 00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:07,496 ♪ Quite as often as I could have 860 00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:14,841 ♪ Maybe I didn't treat you... 861 00:47:18,252 --> 00:47:21,005 - Does that man look 59 to you? - I didn't look. 862 00:47:21,172 --> 00:47:24,346 - I just put his name into Google Images. - This is Pat Farrell. 863 00:47:24,550 --> 00:47:28,305 That is a Pat Farrell. Do I have to do everything? 864 00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,890 Ma'am, you better hear this. 865 00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:33,185 It's taken from the transcript of the broadcast. 866 00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:38,573 I wish this was abroad because it would make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad. 867 00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,199 What's Banged Up Abroad? 868 00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:43,487 - You don't know Banged Up Abroad? - No. 869 00:47:43,652 --> 00:47:45,575 Everyone knows Banged Up Abroad. 870 00:47:45,738 --> 00:47:47,991 I don't. What is Banged Up Abroad? 871 00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,660 You seriously don't know Banged Up Abroad? 872 00:47:50,826 --> 00:47:52,043 You have to be shitting me. 873 00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:53,796 "I've never even heard of..." 874 00:47:53,954 --> 00:47:57,299 Just get to the bit where they stop saying Banged Up Abroad. 875 00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,174 - I. - Once banged up a broad. 876 00:48:04,340 --> 00:48:07,469 "That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?" 877 00:48:07,635 --> 00:48:09,979 He's got a gun to his head. 878 00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:13,687 I remember once coming to in a skip in the middle of the afternoon 879 00:48:13,849 --> 00:48:15,476 with my underpants in my mouth. 880 00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:18,528 "Oh, these are not my pants!" 881 00:48:18,687 --> 00:48:22,863 Oh, I can laugh about it now but, you know, back then... 882 00:48:23,067 --> 00:48:26,367 Sssh, ssh. What's that? 883 00:48:27,446 --> 00:48:29,665 Move into position, over. 884 00:48:30,116 --> 00:48:32,039 It's the police. 885 00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:35,375 If you like canapés that are on the turn, we've hit the motherload. 886 00:48:35,579 --> 00:48:39,174 Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure. Whatever happened to circles? 887 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:41,711 I mean I've heard of a square meal but that's ridiculous. 888 00:48:41,919 --> 00:48:43,921 I was just saying I've heard of a square meal. 889 00:48:44,088 --> 00:48:45,590 Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh. 890 00:48:45,756 --> 00:48:46,882 OK. 891 00:48:47,091 --> 00:48:49,185 - We think it's the police. - Wait. 892 00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,805 - That definitely came from in there. - That's just a cupboard. 893 00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:54,690 - It's not even an outside wall. - Careful. 894 00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,227 - No, Jason... - I'll protect you. 895 00:48:57,435 --> 00:49:00,985 It's not an outside wall. Look, I'll show you. Look. 896 00:49:03,149 --> 00:49:04,992 - Michael? - Aye, aye, Mister Partridge. 897 00:49:05,151 --> 00:49:06,573 What are you hiding in there for? 898 00:49:06,735 --> 00:49:09,864 I found myself a place of concealment, like when I was on manoeuvres. 899 00:49:10,072 --> 00:49:12,871 Take your light off. You're blinding everyone you speak to. 900 00:49:13,033 --> 00:49:14,501 - Now it's ﬂashing. - Sorry. 901 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:19,257 Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank. 902 00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:21,585 - How long have you been here? - All night. 903 00:49:21,750 --> 00:49:23,351 - What did you eat? - I had me lunch box. 904 00:49:23,461 --> 00:49:25,134 - Where did you go to the toilet? - No. 905 00:49:25,296 --> 00:49:27,173 I had me lunch box. 906 00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:29,717 Thank God it's got a smoky finish with an airtight seal. 907 00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,768 I tell you what. It seals in the freshness. 908 00:49:31,969 --> 00:49:34,097 No, Michael. It seals out the freshness. 909 00:49:34,263 --> 00:49:35,810 What is going on in here? 910 00:49:35,973 --> 00:49:38,226 Michael's just visiting us from the cupboard. 911 00:49:38,392 --> 00:49:39,609 No need to get shouty-shouty. 912 00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:42,066 Did those Goredale bastards put you up to this? 913 00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,903 - No. - No, no. I've been in here a few nights. 914 00:49:45,065 --> 00:49:46,783 - No, one night. - No, a few nights. 915 00:49:46,942 --> 00:49:48,785 A few nights this week and the week before. 916 00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:51,038 - Why? - Me brother wanted the bed to himself. 917 00:49:51,197 --> 00:49:53,120 Ah, yes. Michael suffers from night terrors. 918 00:49:53,282 --> 00:49:54,875 He thrashes about like a big salmon. 919 00:49:55,034 --> 00:49:56,377 What's in the box? 920 00:49:57,203 --> 00:50:00,127 Er... Michael... Michael let himself down. 921 00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:05,465 I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box. 922 00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:08,722 Well, get rid of it. Throw it out the window. 923 00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,761 Fall back! Fall back! 924 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,852 Armed police! 925 00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:19,858 - Identify yourself! - Identify yourself! 926 00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:23,063 Alan Partridge. Who the f... Alan Partridge! 927 00:50:23,229 --> 00:50:25,778 You know who I am. I haven't been off the TV that long. 928 00:50:25,940 --> 00:50:29,069 - "Identify yourself." - Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe. 929 00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:31,488 Yeah, tell them to stop pointing their guns at me. 930 00:50:31,654 --> 00:50:34,658 - Lower your weapons. - Yeah, lower your weapons. 931 00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:39,120 Take your hand off your gun. Take your hand off your gun. 932 00:50:39,286 --> 00:50:41,664 And the other hand. I can wait here all day. 933 00:50:41,872 --> 00:50:43,374 Do as he says. 934 00:50:43,541 --> 00:50:46,135 Thank you. Why do you have to turn it into a competition? 935 00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:48,512 Just because I won. OK. 936 00:50:48,671 --> 00:50:50,344 OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me. 937 00:50:50,506 --> 00:50:52,349 I told you I've got a very sensitive tummy. 938 00:50:52,508 --> 00:50:53,680 Who are you talking to, Alan? 939 00:50:53,842 --> 00:50:55,890 I've got Pat on the end of the line in both senses. 940 00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:58,772 I'm tethered to the building via this rope and relaying messages 941 00:50:58,931 --> 00:51:02,231 from Pat via this state-of-the-art Sennheiser 1,000 head set. 942 00:51:02,393 --> 00:51:04,441 Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm telling them that now. 943 00:51:04,603 --> 00:51:06,651 If you'd listened, you'd know I'm telling them. 944 00:51:06,814 --> 00:51:10,318 - Pat says “Hi". - Hi, Pat. 945 00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:12,578 And hi to your fellow officers. 946 00:51:13,195 --> 00:51:15,163 Hi. Hi, Pat. 947 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:19,460 Alan, listen. Pat works with us here, this can all end well. OK? 948 00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,179 - I give him my word. - OK, just... Yep. 949 00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,456 OK. Pat, you've got to... you're rambling. 950 00:51:23,664 --> 00:51:25,177 "You've got to be more concise. What do you want? 951 00:51:25,190 --> 00:51:26,713 “I want a helicopter." 952 00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,011 That's just an example, by the way. 953 00:51:30,337 --> 00:51:31,884 Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter. 954 00:51:32,089 --> 00:51:34,217 That might not be possible, Alan. 955 00:51:34,383 --> 00:51:37,057 But let's dialogue. What else can we do for him? 956 00:51:43,892 --> 00:51:47,066 Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs. What the hell's going on?" 957 00:51:47,229 --> 00:51:50,199 Pat, listen to me. That was not an attack, OK? 958 00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:53,827 We just had to dispose of a box around the corner in a controlled manner. 959 00:51:54,028 --> 00:51:56,229 Pat would prefer it if you spoke through me, as would I. 960 00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:59,833 Marlin says they deployed a remote RV fitted with a disruptor 961 00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:02,045 to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know 962 00:52:02,058 --> 00:52:04,122 what you're talking about. He's quite angry. 963 00:52:04,288 --> 00:52:06,089 He's honking in my ear like a mad Irish goose. 964 00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:09,293 Aha! We love you, Alan! 965 00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,929 Um... do you mind? It's not a radio road show. 966 00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:15,512 - I'm trying to host a siege here. - We love you, Alan! 967 00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,223 Get away. Who said that? 968 00:52:18,594 --> 00:52:19,811 What's it like in there? 969 00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:23,850 Ah... scary, stressful, lots of shouting. 970 00:52:24,558 --> 00:52:27,107 A bit like being married again. 971 00:52:27,603 --> 00:52:30,026 And there's a crazy person running around with a gun. 972 00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,113 So it's a lot like being married again. 973 00:52:33,275 --> 00:52:38,702 And er... when I saw a guy with a shotgun in his mouth begging for mercy then... 974 00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,954 You're ahead of me. 975 00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:42,596 You're ahead of me. A lot of you are. 976 00:52:42,743 --> 00:52:45,542 He's still got his hand on his gun. He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you. 977 00:52:45,704 --> 00:52:47,957 - I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision. - Alan. 978 00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:50,467 I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off. 979 00:52:50,626 --> 00:52:51,843 No, come on. 980 00:52:52,002 --> 00:52:54,630 - We're better than that. Guys, seriously. - Alan, wait! 981 00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,641 By the way, there's an extra hostage. Meant to tell you that. 982 00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:04,599 In a surprise development, DJ Alan Partridge 983 00:53:04,765 --> 00:53:07,894 appeared outside the building, while tethered to a rope. 984 00:53:08,102 --> 00:53:12,152 Footage of his address is already one of the most viewed You Tube videos 985 00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,450 since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole". 986 00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,531 Mr. Partridge, whose Facebook page 987 00:53:16,694 --> 00:53:19,243 lists one of his interests as hand-to-hand combat, 988 00:53:19,405 --> 00:53:23,831 has been acting as mediator between police and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell. 989 00:53:23,992 --> 00:53:27,792 As people around the world ask, who is Alan Partridge? 990 00:53:28,997 --> 00:53:31,250 That was a majestic voice. 991 00:53:31,417 --> 00:53:33,971 You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, 992 00:53:33,984 --> 00:53:36,548 Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews. 993 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,261 You are listening to... 994 00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:41,139 - ..the partridge and the poacher. 995 00:53:42,511 --> 00:53:46,857 And, what I believe is a world first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage, 996 00:53:47,015 --> 00:53:50,610 broadcasting live from a siege at gunpoint. 997 00:53:50,769 --> 00:53:51,861 Pure class, Alan. 998 00:53:52,062 --> 00:53:56,158 And today, we'll be asking, what was better in the olden days? 999 00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,569 OK, Pat, shoot. I mean, you know, start speaking. 1000 00:53:58,736 --> 00:54:00,158 - Terry in Necton. - Egypt. 1001 00:54:00,362 --> 00:54:02,706 - I'm liking this. - They used to build the pyramids, 1002 00:54:02,865 --> 00:54:04,742 now they can't get you a taxi to the airport. 1003 00:54:04,908 --> 00:54:07,002 Terry, I like the way you think. Please call again. 1004 00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:08,788 - Will do. - Nicholas in Weybourne. 1005 00:54:08,954 --> 00:54:11,207 - Nurses were better in the old days. - Bull's-eye. 1006 00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,297 They used to be these Florence Nightingale type figures. 1007 00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:17,259 These days it's just, you know, short-haired women in trousers 1008 00:54:17,421 --> 00:54:19,014 washing their own hands at a sink. 1009 00:54:19,214 --> 00:54:22,468 Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable has the greatest torsional strength - 1010 00:54:22,634 --> 00:54:25,808 ie, which can withstand the greatest twisting load before rupture? 1011 00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:29,316 - Caroline in Sprowston. - Beards were better in the olden days. 1012 00:54:29,516 --> 00:54:30,813 - Love it. - Sebastian in Holt. 1013 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,944 - UK manufacturing. - Good. Good, but dull. 1014 00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:34,980 - Paul in East Runton. - Kill 'em all, Pat. 1015 00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:36,490 Shoot the women first. 1016 00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:41,324 We'll also be asking, have you ever met a genuinely clever bus driver? 1017 00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:43,660 I wonder what the listening figures are for this. 1018 00:54:43,822 --> 00:54:45,916 Yeah. Can you stop drumming? 1019 00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:48,247 OK. Time for fact of the day. 1020 00:54:48,452 --> 00:54:51,205 Fact of the day. Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies. 1021 00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:55,714 - Cows don't have hymens. - Absolutely correct. 1022 00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,470 Cows do not have hymens, just a partially opened cervix. 1023 00:54:58,629 --> 00:55:00,131 The time is 10:22. 1024 00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:03,892 Right now, to your muster stations. It's Bryan Ferry. 1025 00:55:04,092 --> 00:55:06,094 ♪ Let's Stick Together 1026 00:55:06,261 --> 00:55:08,434 Ah... that was... that was er... 1027 00:55:08,597 --> 00:55:10,395 - Very good. - Yeah. Radio gravy. 1028 00:55:10,557 --> 00:55:11,900 Wow. 1029 00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:14,733 I suppose you forget about the gun after a while, don't you? 1030 00:55:14,895 --> 00:55:17,114 - No, I don't. - OK. 1031 00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:18,948 Good. 1032 00:55:25,697 --> 00:55:29,042 Lynn! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word? 1033 00:55:29,576 --> 00:55:31,624 Oh, Alan doesn't like me speaking to the press. 1034 00:55:31,787 --> 00:55:34,836 - We're not press. We're television. - Well, I'm... I'm not really... 1035 00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,841 We've got hair and make-up. 1036 00:55:38,043 --> 00:55:39,215 Oh! 1037 00:55:39,962 --> 00:55:43,216 Back now to Norwich where DJ Alan Partridge 1038 00:55:43,382 --> 00:55:46,386 - continues to bring news of the radio... - Ah, Angela? 1039 00:55:46,552 --> 00:55:49,021 - Someone wants a word with you. - Who? 1040 00:55:49,179 --> 00:55:50,726 Him. 1041 00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:53,312 Tensions on the Korean peninsula continue... 1042 00:55:53,475 --> 00:55:55,603 - Why? ..Following Kim Jong-il... 1043 00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,237 Oh... shit. 1044 00:55:57,396 --> 00:56:00,445 - .. Vegas, I was doing kind of... 1045 00:56:00,607 --> 00:56:02,075 ..for anyone's price range... 1046 00:56:06,280 --> 00:56:07,827 ..Mounting tensions in North... 1047 00:56:22,170 --> 00:56:23,888 ..Erectile dysfunction... 1048 00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,720 - Inside, Partridge seems unfazed... - Ah, him. 1049 00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:31,889 - Me on TV. Good photo. - He tried instead 1050 00:56:32,055 --> 00:56:34,774 to calm the gunman by joining him in the studio. 1051 00:56:35,309 --> 00:56:37,653 Yes, just your basic disabled loo. 1052 00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:42,237 You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad, high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin. 1053 00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,151 Alan, calm down. You're being all hectic. 1054 00:56:44,359 --> 00:56:47,613 This is because you're on TV, isn't it? You're all puffed up like a Robin. 1055 00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:50,119 It's like you can see in me. 1056 00:56:50,282 --> 00:56:54,287 Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk about disabled toilet facilities, did you? 1057 00:56:54,453 --> 00:56:56,751 Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. 1058 00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:03,133 Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic. 1059 00:57:06,590 --> 00:57:08,684 Good gracious. 1060 00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,433 I'm sorry about the nasal whistle. It's when I'm anxious. 1061 00:57:31,615 --> 00:57:35,745 You know... You know, "Shape - the way you want it to be"? 1062 00:57:35,911 --> 00:57:38,289 - Yeah? - Your shape's the way I want it to be. 1063 00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,048 I'm on about your body. 1064 00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:47,177 - What might this be? - That... is my damned todger. 1065 00:57:47,798 --> 00:57:51,928 And it's all the fault of a certain Miss Angela... 1066 00:57:52,511 --> 00:57:54,479 I'm sorry, I don't know your second name. 1067 00:57:54,638 --> 00:57:58,268 He's very brave. He was once feeding ducks in the park. 1068 00:57:58,475 --> 00:58:00,569 One took a peck at him and instead of retreating, 1069 00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:02,980 - he hit it with the back of his hand. 1070 00:58:03,146 --> 00:58:06,571 - DJ Alan Partridge... - Hi. You got time for a quick wah-wah? 1071 00:58:07,484 --> 00:58:09,031 - What? - Quick wah-wah. 1072 00:58:10,028 --> 00:58:11,701 - Oh, you mean "wa-wa"? - Yeah. Yeah. 1073 00:58:11,863 --> 00:58:14,082 - Sorry. You just did a different noise. - Sorry. 1074 00:58:14,241 --> 00:58:18,041 Look... how are you feeling about this whole media circus? How you feeling? 1075 00:58:18,245 --> 00:58:19,963 Between you and me, pretty puffed up. 1076 00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:22,921 - Like an owl. - Let's hope you're a wise one. 1077 00:58:23,083 --> 00:58:26,132 Nice. I pitched it up, you knocked it out of the park. 1078 00:58:26,294 --> 00:58:28,137 Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians. 1079 00:58:28,296 --> 00:58:29,576 Let me tell you something, Alan. 1080 00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:34,136 As far as the press is concerned, you are the face of this siege. 1081 00:58:35,262 --> 00:58:37,185 - I am siege face. - Exactly. 1082 00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:40,521 After this, you'll get more offers than a whore at our Christmas party. 1083 00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,905 I like that. Yeah, I like that. 1084 00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,861 - Yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1085 00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:49,197 You'd know a thing or two about that, wouldn't you? 1086 00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:52,579 That would be... "Mm-hm. Hmm," he says. That's a moustache. 1087 00:58:52,779 --> 00:58:54,281 Seriously, did you give her one? 1088 00:58:54,448 --> 00:58:58,043 Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. 1089 00:58:58,201 --> 00:59:01,171 Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. 1090 00:59:02,247 --> 00:59:04,676 And then I just held her in my arms because she 1091 00:59:04,689 --> 00:59:07,128 told me she never knew her mother, and I said, 1092 00:59:07,335 --> 00:59:10,509 "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. 1093 00:59:10,672 --> 00:59:13,642 But guess what? I never really knew her." 1094 00:59:14,593 --> 00:59:17,267 Erm... and... 1095 00:59:17,429 --> 00:59:19,602 To get back on track, erm... 1096 00:59:19,806 --> 00:59:21,683 Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo! 1097 00:59:22,267 --> 00:59:24,690 - I like you. - I like you. 1098 00:59:24,853 --> 00:59:26,901 He likes me, Lynn. Jason Tresswell likes me. 1099 00:59:27,064 --> 00:59:28,744 - Alan? Are you OK? - I've got to be quick. 1100 00:59:28,899 --> 00:59:31,197 Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone to play Angry Birds. 1101 00:59:31,401 --> 00:59:34,029 - Of course. What is it? - A computerised bird-throwing game. 1102 00:59:34,196 --> 00:59:36,369 - No, I meant... - I'm joking, Lynn. 1103 00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:38,416 Enjoy me. Everyone else is. 1104 00:59:38,617 --> 00:59:41,166 Goredale Media think I'm some sort of Christ 2.0. 1105 00:59:41,328 --> 00:59:44,582 Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth of getting the breakfast show. 1106 00:59:44,748 --> 00:59:47,217 I'll call myself the Morning Rooster, or the Talking Cock. 1107 00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,844 - You're not thinking clearly. - Yes, I am. 1108 00:59:50,003 --> 00:59:51,846 Lynn, I'll say this once and I'll say it again. 1109 00:59:52,005 --> 00:59:55,635 My career's getting a shot in the arm and if I can stay in here to the bitter end, 1110 00:59:55,801 --> 00:59:59,647 I will be the biggest thing to come out of Norwich since... Lord Nelson or Trisha. 1111 00:59:59,805 --> 01:00:01,352 Think about that and what that means. 1112 01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:03,734 Your priority is the welfare of the hostages. 1113 01:00:03,892 --> 01:00:05,894 Good - put that out as a press release and say I said it. 1114 01:00:06,061 --> 01:00:08,189 Alan, your ego's getting the better of you. 1115 01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:11,825 I've just got to stay alert and focused. I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn. 1116 01:00:12,025 --> 01:00:14,119 How effed up is that? 1117 01:00:15,362 --> 01:00:17,410 - Alan? Alan? - Oh... 1118 01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:42,101 Ohh! Christ's sake. 1119 01:00:46,101 --> 01:00:48,229 Not now. Oh, God. 1120 01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:51,323 I'm caught on the latch. 1121 01:01:04,411 --> 01:01:06,254 Oh, come on. Please. 1122 01:01:15,881 --> 01:01:19,511 Stop, armed police! Get your hands above your head. 1123 01:01:19,676 --> 01:01:22,099 - I've just got... - Get your hands above your head! 1124 01:01:22,262 --> 01:01:24,765 - I want to get those trousers. - Do it! Hands above your head. 1125 01:01:24,931 --> 01:01:28,356 - They're my trousers. - Get your hands above your head now! 1126 01:01:32,314 --> 01:01:34,567 What are you doing? It's weird. 1127 01:01:36,193 --> 01:01:37,911 There are paparazzi all over the place 1128 01:01:38,069 --> 01:01:40,822 and I do not want them to get a photograph of my genitals. 1129 01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,499 - Oh, come on! - That's it, look at me. 1130 01:01:53,376 --> 01:01:55,674 And how were the hostages when you left? 1131 01:01:56,588 --> 01:01:58,966 - Crouched. - I mean, what's their state of mind? 1132 01:01:59,132 --> 01:02:02,853 Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany. Yeah. Is someone writing this down? 1133 01:02:03,011 --> 01:02:05,355 - Yeah. - Sorry. I thought you were some clothes. 1134 01:02:05,513 --> 01:02:07,982 Thanks for the forensic trousers, by the way. 1135 01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,644 - Could you just um...? - Crikey. Yeah, sorry. 1136 01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:14,360 I was actually going to fashion a sort of make-shift modesty sporran 1137 01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,695 from the vacant arm flaps. 1138 01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,249 OK, I think we're done here. 1139 01:02:24,407 --> 01:02:28,332 Any chance of freshening up? I just need to wipe my face with a big hot towel. 1140 01:02:28,495 --> 01:02:31,499 Presumably you wanna use me as part of your media strat? 1141 01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:34,800 No. 1142 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,337 - Do you agree? - 100 per cent. 1143 01:02:36,503 --> 01:02:37,675 Gotcha. 1144 01:02:38,380 --> 01:02:41,930 The police said you could do media interviews when the siege is over. 1145 01:02:42,092 --> 01:02:44,544 It will be too late then, Lynn. People move on. 1146 01:02:44,557 --> 01:02:47,019 Goredale Media will move on. 1147 01:02:47,931 --> 01:02:49,933 But you're still being talked about. 1148 01:02:50,100 --> 01:02:53,695 Only cos every time I look at the telly, they're showing a picture of my arse. 1149 01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,274 It's all right for you. Every other time I look, they show a picture of your face. 1150 01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:00,489 And then the next time - surprise, surprise, my arse again. 1151 01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:02,495 I was only telling people about you. 1152 01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:08,252 You know, I was Goredale's golden goose, and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas. 1153 01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,833 But why do you want to work for people like that? 1154 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:13,670 - Goredale are bullies. - Yeah. And what do you do with a bully? 1155 01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,877 You make friends with the bully so they bully someone else. 1156 01:03:17,502 --> 01:03:19,880 - "What doth it profit a man..." - Doth? 1157 01:03:20,130 --> 01:03:24,351 "..If he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight... 1158 01:03:24,509 --> 01:03:27,638 Yeah, I know who wrote it. I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. 1159 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:32,355 I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media 1160 01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:34,152 on a long-term basis for cash. 1161 01:03:34,311 --> 01:03:36,234 It's a very different thing. 1162 01:03:40,984 --> 01:03:42,944 I don't know how you can look yourself in the eye. 1163 01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:44,613 I can't, Lynn. My nose is in the way. 1164 01:03:44,779 --> 01:03:46,952 You can talk, prattling away on every news bulletin. 1165 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:49,501 I mean, who the heck do you think you are? 1166 01:03:52,120 --> 01:03:54,623 - I'm Lynn Benfield. - You don't look like Lynn Benfield. 1167 01:03:54,789 --> 01:03:58,168 I mean, what has happened to you, with your attitude and your hair? 1168 01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:00,087 You've literally become a big head. 1169 01:04:01,296 --> 01:04:03,719 - I like it. - I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn, 1170 01:04:03,923 --> 01:04:07,177 but a lot of people think it looks like a photograph of an explosion. 1171 01:04:08,636 --> 01:04:10,596 I don't know if I want to work for a man like you. 1172 01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,726 I don't know that I want to employ someone who looks like a madam. 1173 01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:15,235 And I don't mean a Parisian one 1174 01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:18,484 I mean, one who lives in a terraced house behind a train station. 1175 01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:35,706 - Doors opening! - Armed police! Armed police! 1176 01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:39,046 Oh, shut up, will you? Stop shouting. 1177 01:04:39,209 --> 01:04:42,509 - Easy, Pat. Mind the steps. - I'm able to walk down steps, all right? 1178 01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,718 He means because the gun's against my head. 1179 01:04:45,131 --> 01:04:48,852 - Everybody has an opinion, huh? - Hear, hear. Well said. 1180 01:04:49,052 --> 01:04:51,100 - On. - Hi, Pat. 1181 01:04:51,262 --> 01:04:53,765 Hey, Alan. What happened? We were in the middle of a show, 1182 01:04:53,932 --> 01:04:55,809 and then your arse is all over the Internet. 1183 01:04:55,975 --> 01:04:58,398 Looked like you had a Turkey's head between your legs. 1184 01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,859 No, it didn't. No, it didn't. It doesn't have a beak. 1185 01:05:01,022 --> 01:05:03,070 And, yeah, I took an executive decision 1186 01:05:03,233 --> 01:05:05,656 to stow my cock and balls up against my backside. 1187 01:05:05,860 --> 01:05:08,158 I can't believe you left me with this nutcase. 1188 01:05:08,321 --> 01:05:10,289 Hang on a minute, you're the one with the gun. 1189 01:05:10,448 --> 01:05:13,076 - See? He's hilarious. - He's solid. He's solid. 1190 01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:17,623 - Pizzas coming through now, Pat. - Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off. 1191 01:05:24,671 --> 01:05:26,514 Oh, hello. 1192 01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:31,428 Actually, I want Alan to bring them in. 1193 01:05:33,763 --> 01:05:37,267 That might not be possible, Pat. Alan's not prepared to do that. 1194 01:05:37,434 --> 01:05:39,482 No... I am prepared to do that. 1195 01:05:39,644 --> 01:05:42,193 - It's not that simple. - Do you want me to release some people? 1196 01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:43,865 Sure. Let's talk about that. 1197 01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:46,151 Alan, what do you reckon if I let the women go? 1198 01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:49,321 Yeah, let a couple of the women go. Maybe keep Angela. 1199 01:05:49,904 --> 01:05:52,498 - But her kids will be worried sick. - She's got kids? 1200 01:05:52,699 --> 01:05:55,498 Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15. 1201 01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:57,996 I believe they're a real handful. 1202 01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,133 Yeah, what was I thinking? Let all the women go. 1203 01:06:01,291 --> 01:06:03,259 Pat, give me five minutes with head office. 1204 01:06:03,418 --> 01:06:05,887 He's bringing them in now. Alan, come on. 1205 01:06:06,546 --> 01:06:08,173 - Top one. - Top one. 1206 01:06:08,381 --> 01:06:11,601 - Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one. - OK, come on, son. 1207 01:06:12,969 --> 01:06:14,721 Oh, shit. 1208 01:06:18,558 --> 01:06:20,526 Why did you say hello to that delivery guy? 1209 01:06:21,644 --> 01:06:26,445 Oh, him? No, he just reminded me of a man I know called Mike Cable, 1210 01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:30,704 who did my accounts from '97 to '98. 1211 01:06:30,862 --> 01:06:32,614 Actually, no. '99. 1212 01:06:32,780 --> 01:06:34,999 Till he stopped because his daughter was very ill. 1213 01:06:35,158 --> 01:06:36,910 Yeah, it was touch and go, actually. 1214 01:06:37,368 --> 01:06:40,247 He and Sandra were in bits, they had to cancel their holiday. 1215 01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,000 - It was a ﬂy-drive to Tuscany. - Hm. 1216 01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:46,796 I must tell him, actually, that there's a policeman that looks just like him. 1217 01:06:47,170 --> 01:06:48,217 What's that? 1218 01:06:48,379 --> 01:06:51,349 Must tell Mike that there's a pizza man who looks just like him. 1219 01:06:53,009 --> 01:06:54,682 I'm famished. 1220 01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:59,432 - Ladies, you're free to go. - What? 1221 01:06:59,641 --> 01:07:01,814 - Yep. - God bless you, Pat. 1222 01:07:01,976 --> 01:07:03,102 See you. Bye. 1223 01:07:03,269 --> 01:07:05,317 I'll make you a home-made pizza when you get out. 1224 01:07:05,480 --> 01:07:07,232 Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good. 1225 01:07:10,151 --> 01:07:11,573 - Cinderella. - Yeah, well... 1226 01:07:11,736 --> 01:07:14,239 No, hers was... that was a glass one, wasn't it? 1227 01:07:16,366 --> 01:07:17,993 Here comes the Tin Man. 1228 01:07:27,544 --> 01:07:30,798 - Just trying to find your pizza. - Well, just give me that one. 1229 01:07:32,173 --> 01:07:33,641 - Hm? - That one. 1230 01:07:33,800 --> 01:07:35,473 - Which one? - The top one. 1231 01:07:37,262 --> 01:07:38,889 Oh... 1232 01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:41,065 - I'll take the pizzas. - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1233 01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:48,114 Woo-ho, stuffed crust! - Thanks for coming back, Alan. 1234 01:07:50,733 --> 01:07:52,952 - What are you doing? - I'm just seeing how you'll look 1235 01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:56,115 on the billboard for when you start on The Breakfast Show. 1236 01:07:56,281 --> 01:07:59,285 - The Breakfast Show? - Alan, can I have a word? 1237 01:07:59,450 --> 01:08:02,624 Yeah, sure. Just bringing the pizza cutter. 1238 01:08:03,955 --> 01:08:05,923 Right, how many do you want. Six or eight? 1239 01:08:06,082 --> 01:08:07,800 Oh, my God, that's a taser! 1240 01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,054 This is no use, it's a pizza cutter. And that is not a pizza. 1241 01:08:11,713 --> 01:08:14,933 Thing is, how did it get there? Erm... 1242 01:08:15,425 --> 01:08:19,146 Unless the pizza company are running a competition in which you win a taser. 1243 01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:22,353 That doesn't make sense, does it? Do you realise, it's the police? 1244 01:08:22,515 --> 01:08:26,611 The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got some brass neck for a bunch of coppers. 1245 01:08:26,769 --> 01:08:28,487 I'm actually really angry about that. 1246 01:08:28,646 --> 01:08:30,740 You should keep that as an extra weapon. 1247 01:08:30,898 --> 01:08:34,994 What kind of fool do you take me for, eh? I'm one step ahead of all of you. 1248 01:08:35,153 --> 01:08:37,281 And I'm just a step behind you, mate. 1249 01:08:38,031 --> 01:08:40,409 - Ooh. - Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. 1250 01:08:40,575 --> 01:08:41,792 First rule of business. 1251 01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,746 Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity 1252 01:08:44,912 --> 01:08:47,631 when it arises, like I was just then. 1253 01:08:47,790 --> 01:08:48,757 Yeah. 1254 01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:52,386 Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. 1255 01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,175 - You're a runt. - Is that what you think, Alan? 1256 01:08:58,009 --> 01:09:00,353 I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. 1257 01:09:00,511 --> 01:09:02,229 Well, I think... I think... 1258 01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,557 The sort of the gist of what, you know... 1259 01:09:04,724 --> 01:09:06,397 I just don't like bullies. 1260 01:09:07,435 --> 01:09:10,860 - Um... can I take this off, please? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. 1261 01:09:11,022 --> 01:09:13,901 - No, I'm talking to him. - Oh, for fuck's sake. 1262 01:09:14,067 --> 01:09:15,785 - Yeah, go ahead. - Thank you. 1263 01:09:16,736 --> 01:09:18,158 Are you all right? 1264 01:09:18,321 --> 01:09:21,700 Well, I was worried about the old head but I think I've got a handle on it. 1265 01:09:22,784 --> 01:09:25,128 - Very witty. - Alan's a smart cookie, Pat. 1266 01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:30,629 He's treated this whole crisis like a business opportunity. 1267 01:09:30,792 --> 01:09:35,514 He's taken a look around him and he's thought, "How can I make this work for me?" 1268 01:09:36,464 --> 01:09:38,307 - Well done, Alan. - Cheers. 1269 01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:40,889 - Yeah, well done, Alan. - Thank you. 1270 01:09:41,552 --> 01:09:44,101 You know, you and me, we've got something going here. 1271 01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:46,424 Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show 1272 01:09:46,437 --> 01:09:48,609 with chit-chat and phone-ins like it's 1983, 1273 01:09:48,810 --> 01:09:49,902 but you're one of us. 1274 01:09:50,061 --> 01:09:53,065 You know radio's just business. You'll do well out of this. 1275 01:09:53,231 --> 01:09:55,905 And er... I'll get you a glamorous assistant with big tits 1276 01:09:56,109 --> 01:09:59,534 to take over from that frumpy old cow you've got at the moment. 1277 01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:01,414 You know, Mrs. fucking Doubtfire. 1278 01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:07,545 Danny, er... Jason gave me your breakfast show. 1279 01:10:08,579 --> 01:10:10,206 - Yeah. - Is that true? 1280 01:10:10,373 --> 01:10:12,046 - Well... - Twat. 1281 01:10:14,502 --> 01:10:16,049 Oh, my God. 1282 01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,839 Go! Go! Go! 1283 01:10:19,924 --> 01:10:21,847 Armed police! 1284 01:10:22,009 --> 01:10:24,432 Armed police! Everybody stay down! 1285 01:10:24,595 --> 01:10:28,190 - Stay down! Don't move! Don't move! - Have you got any scissors? 1286 01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:29,984 Have you got any scissors? 1287 01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:32,145 Armed police! Armed police! 1288 01:10:32,311 --> 01:10:34,985 Studio's empty. Where's Farrell? Where's Partridge? 1289 01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:43,373 ♪ Roll out the barrel... 1290 01:10:48,244 --> 01:10:50,793 Get into position, get in front of that bus! 1291 01:10:51,581 --> 01:10:55,677 We got three on a bus. Three on a bus. I want a green light on a sniper now. 1292 01:10:56,502 --> 01:10:58,470 This cannot be happening. 1293 01:10:59,005 --> 01:11:01,428 Jeez, Alan. Look at this. Quite alarming, isn't it? 1294 01:11:02,258 --> 01:11:03,931 Er... l think... I think we'll be fine. 1295 01:11:04,093 --> 01:11:07,313 Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted to stick it to Goredale one more time. 1296 01:11:07,472 --> 01:11:10,066 I don't mind in the slightest, Pat. Goredale are tits. 1297 01:11:10,933 --> 01:11:15,404 Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. 1298 01:11:15,563 --> 01:11:17,986 What are you going to do about it this time? 1299 01:11:20,443 --> 01:11:22,821 - Start the car! Start the car! - Let's go! 1300 01:11:28,367 --> 01:11:31,166 Right, let's give them some stick. 1301 01:11:31,329 --> 01:11:33,582 You're listening to Pat and Alan 1302 01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:36,092 with a message for the Goredale Medias of this world. 1303 01:11:36,292 --> 01:11:40,718 If you think you can take real DJs and turn them into radio robots, 1304 01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:43,258 think again - because we're gonna get up in your face. 1305 01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:44,346 Great. 1306 01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:48,514 With a big fat slice of road show radio right here, right now. 1307 01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,272 The time is 1:27. 1308 01:11:50,431 --> 01:11:52,149 This is John Farnham and The Voice. 1309 01:11:52,642 --> 01:11:54,360 ♪ The Voice 1310 01:12:02,568 --> 01:12:05,742 Today we're asking, why do people keep their eggs in the fridge? 1311 01:12:05,905 --> 01:12:09,455 Once again, why do people insist on keeping their eggs in the fridge? 1312 01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,793 And can a binman reasonably expect a Christmas tip 1313 01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:17,626 when he has point-blank refused to dispose of a broken toaster? 1314 01:12:17,792 --> 01:12:20,762 Good question! And that can be today's large question. 1315 01:12:20,920 --> 01:12:23,890 Large question. 1316 01:12:24,841 --> 01:12:29,813 Oh, and we have some travel news. There's slow-moving traffic on the A149. 1317 01:12:29,971 --> 01:12:32,520 That'll be due to wacky blokes on a big yellow bus. 1318 01:12:34,517 --> 01:12:37,236 It's competition time, and we 're playing pairs. 1319 01:12:37,395 --> 01:12:39,113 - Sid on line two. Black and... - Decker. 1320 01:12:39,272 --> 01:12:40,364 - Spick and... - Span. 1321 01:12:40,523 --> 01:12:41,524 - Hall and... - Oates. 1322 01:12:41,691 --> 01:12:42,738 - Egg and... - Bacon. 1323 01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,277 Oh, it was gammon! 1324 01:12:44,443 --> 01:12:46,491 Can I just say, I think Goredale are awful. 1325 01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,826 Yeah, they are bastards. 1326 01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,663 That's why I've washed my hands of them. You know what I say? 1327 01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:56,878 I always say, "What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?" 1328 01:12:57,915 --> 01:13:00,293 And people seem to like that. They really do. 1329 01:13:06,257 --> 01:13:08,760 ♪ You're the voice, try and understand it 1330 01:13:08,926 --> 01:13:11,554 ♪ Make a noise and make it clear 1331 01:13:11,721 --> 01:13:13,849 ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh 1332 01:13:14,015 --> 01:13:17,269 ♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh! 1333 01:13:17,643 --> 01:13:22,820 ♪ We're not gonna sit in silence We're not gonna live with fear 1334 01:13:22,982 --> 01:13:25,110 ♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh 1335 01:13:25,693 --> 01:13:27,536 It looks like you've touched a nerve, Pat. 1336 01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:30,995 These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people. 1337 01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:33,086 They're not working, it's the middle of the day. 1338 01:13:33,099 --> 01:13:34,998 Unless they're on ﬂexi-time. 1339 01:13:35,703 --> 01:13:38,798 Oh, look. I used to live in one of those after my divorce. 1340 01:13:39,498 --> 01:13:41,500 TV, kitchen - very nice. 1341 01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,346 Hey, people, I'm looking at a picture of Goredale Media. 1342 01:13:45,504 --> 01:13:48,098 Honestly, look at that bunch of corporate mercenaries. 1343 01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,853 What's wrong with doing radio for the love of radio? 1344 01:13:52,303 --> 01:13:54,897 They would do anything for 30 pieces of silver. 1345 01:13:56,057 --> 01:14:00,187 You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show. Radio for the love of radio. 1346 01:14:00,394 --> 01:14:03,022 - Sponsored by Castro). 1347 01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,450 Just gonna use the loo. 1348 01:14:22,124 --> 01:14:23,876 - Alan? - Hi. 1349 01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:26,296 Alan, I want to talk to you. 1350 01:14:27,088 --> 01:14:28,180 Alan? 1351 01:14:52,613 --> 01:14:54,286 Oh, hi, Pat. 1352 01:14:54,448 --> 01:14:56,792 Alan, how did you even get in there? 1353 01:14:56,951 --> 01:15:00,672 Um... l just removed an aluminium panel. Slid straight in. 1354 01:15:00,997 --> 01:15:04,342 - Er... textbook. It's good, isn't it? - Your voice sounds funny. 1355 01:15:04,542 --> 01:15:06,681 I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned 1356 01:15:06,694 --> 01:15:08,843 it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre. 1357 01:15:09,588 --> 01:15:11,841 - It's weird. - It is, Pat. It's bizarre. 1358 01:15:12,008 --> 01:15:14,812 It is and was a failed escape attempt, a 1359 01:15:14,825 --> 01:15:17,640 sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will. 1360 01:15:17,805 --> 01:15:20,558 Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh? 1361 01:15:20,725 --> 01:15:23,774 Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one. 1362 01:15:23,978 --> 01:15:26,276 Shake hands, Pat. Friends. Friends, Pat, friends. 1363 01:15:26,439 --> 01:15:30,319 Friends? I know what you did, you fucking snake. 1364 01:15:30,860 --> 01:15:32,578 - "Just sack Pat." - Huh? 1365 01:15:32,737 --> 01:15:35,081 - You're as bad as the rest of them. - Pat, be reasonable. 1366 01:15:35,239 --> 01:15:37,958 Before you think of shooting anyone, just for a second think, 1367 01:15:38,117 --> 01:15:42,543 what would drive a man to incarcerate himself in the septic tank? It's pathetic. 1368 01:15:43,622 --> 01:15:47,593 - I'm not going to shoot you. - Thank God for that. That's good news. 1369 01:15:49,628 --> 01:15:51,005 Sweet mother of God, no. 1370 01:15:51,213 --> 01:15:53,307 Oh, angels and saints preserve us! 1371 01:15:53,466 --> 01:15:55,343 Dear God, let them be firm! 1372 01:15:57,803 --> 01:15:59,680 Help! 1373 01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,984 Stop the bus! 1374 01:16:03,517 --> 01:16:06,270 - What's that? - It's a septic tank. You can have it. 1375 01:16:48,604 --> 01:16:50,698 Oh... not again! 1376 01:16:53,484 --> 01:16:55,703 Damn gypsies tampered with the sights. 1377 01:17:04,245 --> 01:17:05,588 Trust me, Susan. 1378 01:17:06,622 --> 01:17:08,374 Ow! Jesus! 1379 01:17:13,295 --> 01:17:14,763 Suspect is on Cromer... 1380 01:17:56,046 --> 01:17:58,845 You're a fucking clown, Alan. 1381 01:17:59,008 --> 01:18:00,681 Ah. Hi, Pat. 1382 01:18:03,304 --> 01:18:06,478 I trusted you, Alan. I thought we were friends. 1383 01:18:06,640 --> 01:18:08,438 - But you let me down. - Well, I... 1384 01:18:08,601 --> 01:18:11,070 - You got me sacked. - Over here! Pat! 1385 01:18:11,228 --> 01:18:12,855 Look! 1386 01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,066 Oh, shit! 1387 01:18:17,735 --> 01:18:18,782 What was that? 1388 01:18:18,944 --> 01:18:22,619 I think it was supposed to be some sort of distraction. Yeah. 1389 01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:24,704 - Brave but pointless. - Excuse me? 1390 01:18:24,867 --> 01:18:26,995 Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now! 1391 01:18:27,161 --> 01:18:30,085 - We want to get down there. - Do you mind? This is an armed stand-off. 1392 01:18:30,247 --> 01:18:31,669 - Where were we? - I got you sacked. 1393 01:18:31,874 --> 01:18:33,876 - Yeah, you let me down. - Pat, listen to me. 1394 01:18:34,084 --> 01:18:35,301 - I've got this. - Pardon? 1395 01:18:35,461 --> 01:18:37,861 - I said, I've got this. - How long is it going to go on for? 1396 01:18:38,005 --> 01:18:40,007 - Shut up! - He's telling you to shut up. 1397 01:18:40,174 --> 01:18:41,676 - Calm down. - Didn't get that. 1398 01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:43,469 - Too close to your mouth. - Calm down. 1399 01:18:43,636 --> 01:18:45,636 - It's too close to your mouth! - Did you get that? 1400 01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:46,685 What? 1401 01:18:46,847 --> 01:18:50,727 She's saying, if you put your air riﬂes back, you won't be in too much trouble. 1402 01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,521 - This is a shotgun. - This is an air riﬂe. That's a shotgun. 1403 01:18:54,313 --> 01:18:56,315 We'll leave you to it. 1404 01:18:56,649 --> 01:18:58,651 I surrender. 1405 01:19:07,326 --> 01:19:08,623 Pat? 1406 01:19:10,913 --> 01:19:12,711 Pat? 1407 01:19:13,582 --> 01:19:16,631 - I brought Molly to this pier. - Happy times. 1408 01:19:16,835 --> 01:19:18,337 I scattered her ashes here. 1409 01:19:18,504 --> 01:19:19,926 Ah. 1410 01:19:20,547 --> 01:19:22,845 Buried at sea. 1411 01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,811 Like Bin Laden. 1412 01:19:26,387 --> 01:19:28,481 And now here we are. 1413 01:19:29,515 --> 01:19:31,267 The circle of life. 1414 01:19:31,475 --> 01:19:33,898 Cirque du Soleil. 1415 01:19:36,897 --> 01:19:38,649 Turn your head away. 1416 01:19:38,857 --> 01:19:40,029 Let's just calm down. 1417 01:19:40,192 --> 01:19:42,160 - Pat, come on. - Turn your head away. 1418 01:19:42,319 --> 01:19:44,242 - Pat, listen to me... - Pat, you're scaring me. 1419 01:19:44,405 --> 01:19:46,783 - I won't ask again. - Pat, I need you to stay calm. 1420 01:19:46,949 --> 01:19:49,498 Turn your head away. 1421 01:19:51,245 --> 01:19:58,720 ♪ Maybe I didn't love you, quite as often as I could have 1422 01:19:58,877 --> 01:20:00,220 What are you doing? 1423 01:20:00,379 --> 01:20:08,379 ♪ Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have 1424 01:20:08,846 --> 01:20:10,223 Stop it! 1425 01:20:10,389 --> 01:20:14,610 ♪ And if I made you feel second best 1426 01:20:15,144 --> 01:20:18,444 ♪ Girl, I'm sorry I was blind 1427 01:20:19,606 --> 01:20:24,157 ♪ But you were always on my mind 1428 01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:29,955 ♪ You were always on my mind 1429 01:20:32,870 --> 01:20:34,588 - ♪ Maybe I... - Pat, are you ready to... 1430 01:20:34,747 --> 01:20:36,841 Shut up, you dick! 1431 01:20:39,335 --> 01:20:40,678 Pat, what are you doing? 1432 01:20:40,836 --> 01:20:42,679 I want to be with Molly. 1433 01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:43,964 What? 1434 01:20:45,924 --> 01:20:47,847 I want to be with Molly. 1435 01:20:49,178 --> 01:20:51,397 - Pat, don't do this. - Pat, don't do this! 1436 01:20:51,555 --> 01:20:53,057 Unbelievable. 1437 01:20:53,223 --> 01:20:55,976 - I can't reach the trigger. - Pat, come on. 1438 01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,983 Would you do it for me? 1439 01:21:04,068 --> 01:21:06,287 Yeah, course I will, mate. 1440 01:21:07,696 --> 01:21:09,790 Course I will. 1441 01:21:12,534 --> 01:21:14,332 It's over, Pat. 1442 01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:17,457 No more hurting. 1443 01:21:18,374 --> 01:21:19,671 Ow! 1444 01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:20,959 Aaargh! 1445 01:21:22,336 --> 01:21:24,680 You fucking idiot! 1446 01:21:26,507 --> 01:21:27,724 Shit. 1447 01:21:28,842 --> 01:21:32,642 - Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me. - They've blown me to bits, Lynn. 1448 01:21:33,097 --> 01:21:34,690 I feel cold. 1449 01:21:35,808 --> 01:21:39,062 It's all right, Alan. God is with us. 1450 01:21:39,228 --> 01:21:41,481 We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn? 1451 01:21:42,564 --> 01:21:45,659 There's some blood coming from my mouth, Lynn. 1452 01:21:46,193 --> 01:21:49,493 - It's just spit. - Is it? Oh, yeah. 1453 01:21:49,655 --> 01:21:51,999 - Alan, I'm really sorry. - It's all right, Pat. 1454 01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:54,251 - You've still got the gun! - Aargh! 1455 01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,881 Was I a good man, Lynn? Was I a kind man? 1456 01:22:00,207 --> 01:22:02,050 Very kind. 1457 01:22:02,209 --> 01:22:06,555 I remember when you were defrosting your freezer and you gave me all that bacon. 1458 01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:09,011 I'm ready, Lynn. 1459 01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:11,935 I think I'm ready. 1460 01:22:12,094 --> 01:22:14,313 Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. 1461 01:22:15,013 --> 01:22:17,015 Have you come to take my spirit away? 1462 01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:19,685 Go, gull! 1463 01:22:21,687 --> 01:22:25,032 Gull... gull... gull. 1464 01:22:45,544 --> 01:22:48,013 What are you doing? I'm watching it ﬂy off. 1465 01:22:49,965 --> 01:22:54,141 It's weird, Lynn. Yours will be the last face I ever see. 1466 01:22:55,471 --> 01:22:57,690 - Oh, good. - Hi there. You're gonna be OK. 1467 01:22:57,848 --> 01:23:00,897 - I've been shot in the heart. - Your heart's there. It's your shoulder. 1468 01:23:01,059 --> 01:23:03,187 No, that... that's my heart. Ow! 1469 01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,069 - Can I have my job back now? - Yeah, if you want. 1470 01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,909 Always On My Mind 1471 01:23:12,821 --> 01:23:15,540 ♪ Maybe I didn't love you 1472 01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,248 How long have you been a paramedic? 1473 01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:20,162 - About four years. - Right. 1474 01:23:20,329 --> 01:23:23,299 And do you start in St John's Ambulance and then work your way up 1475 01:23:23,457 --> 01:23:25,050 or are they separate organisations? 1476 01:23:25,209 --> 01:23:27,883 - They're separate... - She can answer for herself, Lynn. 1477 01:23:28,045 --> 01:23:30,468 - They are separate organisations. - Right. 1478 01:23:30,672 --> 01:23:32,345 - Are you courting? - Well... 1479 01:23:32,508 --> 01:23:33,555 Not you, Lynn! 1480 01:23:33,759 --> 01:23:37,730 North Norfolk's best music mix. 1481 01:23:37,930 --> 01:23:40,353 We've had a letter from Louise in Thetford, 1482 01:23:40,516 --> 01:23:44,817 who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth of people poking fun at garden gnomes." 1483 01:23:44,978 --> 01:23:47,265 They may be small and strange-faced, but they 1484 01:23:47,278 --> 01:23:49,575 "bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people." 1485 01:23:49,733 --> 01:23:53,033 Now, that's a letter, once upon a time I would have found offensively dull. 1486 01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:54,321 - Yeah. - Not now. 1487 01:23:54,488 --> 01:23:56,911 So maybe everything that happened has changed you. 1488 01:23:57,074 --> 01:23:58,792 I think I have changed a little bit. 1489 01:23:58,951 --> 01:24:01,329 Well, for my part, I was a bit worried about my head... 1490 01:24:01,495 --> 01:24:02,712 - Here we go. - But um... 1491 01:24:02,913 --> 01:24:06,634 - I think I've got a handle on it now. - Oh, yeah, that's a good joke. 1492 01:24:07,334 --> 01:24:09,757 You've used that joke about three or four times now. 1493 01:24:09,920 --> 01:24:12,343 - I don't know if you're aware of that. - I use it too much? 1494 01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:16,010 I wouldn't say that. I just think we're in that area and... you know. 1495 01:24:16,176 --> 01:24:18,178 - What about the hat? - Good for the bin, I reckon. 1496 01:24:18,345 --> 01:24:20,143 - Lose it? - Yeah. 1497 01:24:20,305 --> 01:24:23,058 But I think, like you say, you're coming on leaps and bounds... 1498 01:24:23,225 --> 01:24:24,568 and I think, 12 months' time, 1499 01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:27,229 you'll probably have forgotten there ever was a siege. 1500 01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:29,569 - What siege? - Er... exactly. That's good. 1501 01:24:29,731 --> 01:24:32,075 - You haven't really forgotten? - No. 1502 01:24:32,734 --> 01:24:36,955 OK, time now for our weekly phone call with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell. 1503 01:24:37,114 --> 01:24:40,038 - It's... - ♪ Ring-ring from Sing-Sing! 1504 01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:43,579 Hello, Pat. Wagwan! 1505 01:24:43,787 --> 01:24:45,164 Er... Hi, Alan. 1506 01:24:45,330 --> 01:24:48,925 OK, this week's question comes from Sue, a dental hygienist from Grantham. 1507 01:24:49,084 --> 01:24:52,179 She asks, "Prison time is often referred to as porridge" 1508 01:24:52,337 --> 01:24:57,389 but do they actually serve porridge, and if so, is it compulsory?" 1509 01:24:57,551 --> 01:25:00,725 Yeah, they serve porridge but you can have other things. 1510 01:25:00,887 --> 01:25:04,061 Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question for you next week, until then... 1511 01:25:04,224 --> 01:25:06,147 Keep your nose clean, boy. 1512 01:25:10,897 --> 01:25:13,116 The Number One Song in Heaven 1513 01:25:17,237 --> 01:25:20,116 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1514 01:25:20,490 --> 01:25:23,414 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1515 01:25:23,660 --> 01:25:26,630 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1516 01:25:26,788 --> 01:25:29,962 ♪ The number one song all over heaven 1517 01:25:30,626 --> 01:25:34,631 ♪ If you should die before you awake 1518 01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:41,262 ♪ If you should die while crossing the street 1519 01:25:43,430 --> 01:25:46,650 ♪ The song that you'll hear, I guarantee 1520 01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:51,693 Colby, Philip? If you guys don't dig the sounds, 1521 01:25:51,855 --> 01:25:53,607 sling us your pod, I'll dock it. 1522 01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:56,326 You won't like it. 1523 01:25:56,652 --> 01:25:59,201 Guys, I dig a lot of stuff. 1524 01:25:59,363 --> 01:26:01,161 A good beat's a good beat. 1525 01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:04,202 All The Wrong Places 1526 01:26:06,119 --> 01:26:08,167 ♪ All the wrong places 1527 01:26:09,915 --> 01:26:12,088 Sorry, not listening to that. 1528 01:26:12,250 --> 01:26:14,799 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1529 01:26:15,170 --> 01:26:17,923 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1530 01:26:18,215 --> 01:26:21,094 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1531 01:26:21,343 --> 01:26:24,597 ♪ The number one song all over heaven 1532 01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,692 ♪ The song filters down, down through the clouds 1533 01:26:31,645 --> 01:26:35,149 ♪ It reaches the earth and winds all around 1534 01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:41,576 ♪ And then it breaks up in millions of ways 1535 01:26:43,407 --> 01:26:46,752 ♪ It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la 1536 01:26:47,202 --> 01:26:50,001 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la 1537 01:26:50,330 --> 01:26:53,254 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la 1538 01:26:53,500 --> 01:26:56,800 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la, la, la, la-la-la 1539 01:26:57,129 --> 01:27:01,100 ♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit 1540 01:27:04,219 --> 01:27:06,472 For God's sake, if it's that important... 1541 01:27:06,638 --> 01:27:07,935 All The Wrong Places 1542 01:27:08,098 --> 01:27:10,521 ♪ Toe to toe 1543 01:27:11,059 --> 01:27:13,903 ♪ We all stand tall 1544 01:27:14,771 --> 01:27:17,320 ♪ Row by row 1545 01:27:18,400 --> 01:27:20,698 ♪ All eyes glow 1546 01:27:21,486 --> 01:27:23,739 ♪ Like a rabbit in the headlights 1547 01:27:23,905 --> 01:27:25,703 ♪ Get your head right 1548 01:27:25,866 --> 01:27:28,961 ♪ Start a new life Shiver in the moonlight 1549 01:27:29,119 --> 01:27:32,293 ♪ You must embrace it cos if not you'll waste it 1550 01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:36,211 ♪ You're looking for love in all the wrong places 1551 01:27:41,214 --> 01:27:43,433 ♪ All the wrong places... 1552 01:27:47,971 --> 01:27:49,939 Sorry, that is awful. 1553 01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:52,146 The Number One Song in Heaven 1554 01:27:52,309 --> 01:27:54,027 ♪ ..or soft as a doubt 1555 01:27:57,189 --> 01:28:00,284 ♪ Lyrically weak, but the music's the thing 1556 01:28:02,861 --> 01:28:05,705 ♪ Gabriel plays it, God, how he plays it 1557 01:28:06,072 --> 01:28:08,916 ♪ Gabriel plays it, God, how he plays it 1558 01:28:09,367 --> 01:28:12,120 ♪ Gabriel plays it, God, how he plays it 1559 01:28:12,537 --> 01:28:15,416 ♪ Gabriel plays it, let's hear him play it 1560 01:28:28,303 --> 01:28:31,182 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1561 01:28:31,515 --> 01:28:34,485 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1562 01:28:34,643 --> 01:28:37,613 ♪ It's number one all over heaven 1563 01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,991 ♪ The number one song all over heaven 1564 01:28:41,608 --> 01:28:45,658 ♪ The song filters down, down through the clouds 1565 01:28:48,281 --> 01:28:52,286 ♪ It reaches the earth and winds all around 1566 01:28:54,496 --> 01:28:57,625 ♪ And then it breaks up in millions of ways 1567 01:28:59,543 --> 01:29:02,922 ♪ It goes la, la, la, la, la la, la la 1568 01:29:03,255 --> 01:29:06,099 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la 1569 01:29:06,383 --> 01:29:09,307 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la la 1570 01:29:09,553 --> 01:29:12,932 ♪ La, la, la la, la la, la, la, la, la-la-la 1571 01:29:13,390 --> 01:29:17,020 ♪ Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit 1572 01:29:19,437 --> 01:29:23,237 ♪ And in your home it becomes advertisements 1573 01:29:26,069 --> 01:29:31,542 ♪ And in the streets it becomes children singing 1574 01:29:31,908 --> 01:29:36,038 ♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la 1575 01:29:37,372 --> 01:29:42,469 ♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la 1576 01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:48,759 ♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la 1577 01:29:50,802 --> 01:29:55,899 ♪ Ooh, la, la, la, la, la... 129474