Original subtitles

[♪]

When are they gonna have the flying cars, already?

They have been promising that for a while.

Years. When we were kids,

they made it seem like it was around the corner.

I think Ed Begley Jr. has one.

No, that's-- That's just electric.

What about Harrison Ford?

He had one in, uh, Blade Runner.

That was a cool one.

What's the competition?

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

What do you think the big holdup is?

The government is very touchy

about us being in the air.

Let us run around on the ground as much as we want.

Anything in the air is a big production.

Anything in the air is a big production.

Yeah. Right.

And what about the floating cities?

And the underwater bubble cities?

It's like we're living in the '50s here.

[♪]

It's good suspension.

Would you stop it?

You'll have plenty of time to destroy it after I get it.

Hey, George. I'm buying this car.

Shh!

What is wrong with you?

You never tell 'em you like the car.

You're not sure what you want.

You don't even know why you're here.

That vein again.

I'm starving.

We should have had lunch first.

It'll be 20 minutes.

I told you, Puddy's getting me an insider deal.

Since when is Elaine's boyfriend selling cars?

I thought he was a mechanic.

I thought he was a mechanic.

I guess he graduated.

That's an easy move:

go from screwing you behind your back

to screwing you right to your face.

[HONKS]

Thank you.

Puddy's just gonna give you the car, huh?

You'll see. They stick you with the undercoating,

rustproofing, dealer prep.

Suddenly you're on your back, like a turtle.

All right, calm down.

My father had a car salesman buddy.

He was gonna fix him up real nice.

Next thing I know, I'm getting dropped off

in a Le Car with a fabric sunroof.

All the kids are shouting:

"Hey, Le George! Bonjour, Le George!

Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!"

Let's stuff Le George in Le Locker!"

Jerry, I don't think this thing is hooked up right.

All right, we're going in.

[KRAMER THUMPING]

You've got a good eye there.

I see you've noticed the unibody construction.

I'm Rick.

Are you looking to buy or to lease?

Uh, borrow. From my friend.

Yeah, he'll be buying.

Maybe I should talk to him.

Oh, I don't think so.

No, he's an entertainer.

You know, all over the place? Brrp.

That's where I come in.

I see. So you're his mana--?

Uh, neighbor. That's right. Yeah.

Uh, neighbor. That's right. Yeah.

[CLAPS HANDS] Well...

Why don't we take this boiler out for a shakedown, huh?

[♪]

Look at these salesmen.

The only thing these guys fear

is the walkout.

No matter what they say, you say:

"I'll walk out of here right now."

Can I help? Hold it.

One more step, and we're walking!

George. Sorry.

We're just waiting for David Puddy.

He is. You don't know what I'm doing.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

My new salesman boyfriend took me out

to celebrate his promotion.

Oh. Where'd you go?

Uh...to a restaurant--

Arby's.

I had the roast beef.

So, Puddy, I decided I'm gonna go with

another 900 convertible.

All right. Classic.

High-five.

David, can you tell me

where the Xerox machine is?

Oh, sure, babe.

Salesmen-only copy room right there.

Oh.

Hey, come on, guys. I'll show you the 900.

Hey, come on, guys. I'll show you the 900.

[BELLIGERENTLY] Yeah, you show us the 900.

[♪]

And look at these features, Mr. Kramer.

Antilock brakes, automatic climate control--

Uh, make a right at this corner, please

--an adjustable steering wheel and--

Oh, Mr. Kramer, you missed the turn.

No. No. No, I didn't.

That's okay. We'll make this next right

and swing around to get back.

Well, it's a test drive, right?

I never drive around here.

If I'm gonna recommend this car,

I need to see that it'll handle my daily routine.

So where are we going?

So where are we going?

Just a little place

I like to call "You'll See."

[POPS LIPS]

[♪]

I'm starving.

Got any of those free doughnuts

you use to soften people up?

By the Service Department.

All right, remember. No rustproofing.

Commit to nothing.

If you have to speak, mumble.

Au revoir, Le George.

Don't think it can't happen!

So, Puddy, this is

a pretty good move for you, huh?

No more grease monkey.

I don't care for that term.

I don't care for that term.

Oh. Sorry. I didn't know.

I don't know too many monkeys

who could take apart a fuel injector.

I saw one once that could do sign language.

Yeah, I saw that one. Uh...

Koko.

Yeah, Koko.

Right, Koko.

That chimp's all right. High-five.

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on here?

You didn't agree to anything, did you?

No. We both just saw the same monkey.

Well, I got screwed on the doughnuts.

Well, I got screwed on the doughnuts.

There were none left. Heh.

Well, there's a vending machine.

I can show you where it is.

Hey, gimme a dollar.

Where's your money?

I'm here helping you.

Hey. Where's Puddy?

The copy machine is broken. [SNICKERS]

That's what they want you to think.

Have you noticed your boyfriend has developed

an annoying little habit?

The squinting?

No.

The staring?

No.

He keeps asking me to give him a high-five.

I thought all guys do that.

I thought all guys do that.

Slapping hands is the lowest form

of male primate ritual.

Even some of them have moved on.

They're doing sign language now.

It's that bad?

What do you think the Nazis were doing?

That was the heil-five. Tsk.

Isn't that from your act,

like, 10 years ago?

It was a good bit in the 80s,

and it's still relatable today.

Good news. We got a 900 in black.

That's the hot color. High-five.

Um, David, you know what?

Um, David, you know what?

Can you come help me

fix the copy machine? Come.

You owe me five.

[♪]

GEORGE: Twix.

[MAKES ASCENDING HIGH-PITCHED NOISE]

B5.

Ah, come on!

[SIGHS]

Uh... excuse me.

Do you have, uh, change of a dollar?

No.

Could I, uh--

Could I trade you for another one?

Don't have one.

Uh, excuse me.

When your, uh-- When your wallet was open,

I-- I glanced inside,

and I...

couldn't help but notice

that you have several crisp dollar bills.

that you have several crisp dollar bills.

You're incorrect.

Perhaps you could look again, please?

I'm very hungry.

We had doughnuts earlier.

I guess everyone here enjoys giving the old scroogie, huh?

You're all doing a hell of a job!

[CHUCKLES ANGRILY]

What I would do with you.

[♪]

Mr. Kramer, we're really not allowed

to use the cars to run errands.

Now, look, Rick.

I'm very close to giving this car,

I'm very close to giving this car,

that my celebrity friend is considering,

my full endorsement.

Ooh. Let's see if I can get a smile

from these femininas.

Hey, ladies!

It's a Saab 900!

What do you think?

Can I interest you in a little supplemental restraint?

[LAUGHS]

Jeez.

[♪]

I think the candy comes out over there.

People drop change down here, Jerry.

People drop change down here, Jerry.

And they're too lazy to pick it up.

Either that, or they've got a weird little hang-up

about lying facedown in filth.

Why don't you just go to the cashier?

The cashier is at lunch,

which is where I'd like to be.

How much was under there?

I think something bit me.

I just need another nickel.

Puddy thinks I should go for the CD player.

What do you think?

[CHUCKLES]

He's got a live one.

He's just reeling his big fish in.

Hey, can I have my dollar back?

It's wrinkled.

It's wrinkled.

It's worthless.

[CACKLES TRIUMPHANTLY]

Come on.

Jump!

They just put out some more doughnuts.

They did?

Last one.

[♪]

[♪]

KRAMER: Okay, just one more errand, and we can head back.

Actually, it looks like we're gonna need some gas.

Oh? Well, how much gas you think

is in there right now?

Well, it's on E.

You know, Rick, oftentimes Jerry, he lends me his car,

and I find myself in a situation

where the car is almost out of gas.

But...for a variety of reasons,

I don't want to be the one responsible

for purchasing costly gasoline. Mm.

So you wanna know how far you can drive

your friend's car for free.

your friend's car for free.

Well, I make it up to him in other ways.

[♪]

As you will see, the candy bar is paid for,

and yet remains dangling

in the machine.

Hey, it's gone.

Where is my Twix?

What? That guy's eating it!

Well, how do you know that one's yours?

Yeah, I-- It was dangling.

There were only two left.

He must have bought one and gotten both.

Sir, are you gonna buy a car?

No!

No!

Hey. Hey.

I see you! That is my Twix!

Oh-ho-ho!

Ho-ho!

Paper jam.

Got it. Yay.

High-five.

On the flip side.

Eh, uh-- David, um, I--

Don't leave me hanging.

You're a salesman now.

And the high-five is...

It's very grease monkey.

What did I say about that?

What did I say about that?

I-- I'm sorry,

but the high-five is just so stupid.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what's stupid.

You, stupid.

Oh, that is really mature.

Yeah? So are you.

You're the grease monkey.

Uh-- That--

That doesn't make any sense.

[GROANS]

I am leaving.

If you leave, we're through.

Fine. We're through.

Oh, so you're leaving. That's right.

High-five. On the flip side.

High-five. On the flip side.

Taking me to Arby's.

Hey. Wh-- Where are you--

Let's finish this up.

Did you two break up?

That chick's whacked.

[TYPING ON ADDING MACHINE]

We're history.

Just left out a couple of things.

Uh, rustproofing.

Rustproofing?

Transport charge.

Storage surcharge.

Additional overcharge.

Finder's fee.

Finder's fee? It was on the lot.

Yeah, that's right.

And, uh, floor mats... keys...

And, uh, floor mats... keys...

Keys?

How you gonna start it?

[♪]

Excuse me.

I believe you just ate my Twix bar.

It was dangling.

And when you purchased your Twix bar,

you got a little freebie.

And you never bothered to ask why

or seek out its rightful owner.

First of all, it wasn't a Twix.

It was a 5th Avenue bar.

[SCOFFS]

You must think I'm pretty stupid.

That was no 5th Avenue bar.

I can see the crumb there

in the corner of your lip.

Now, tha-- That is a cookie.

And we all know that Twix is the only candy bar

And we all know that Twix is the only candy bar

with the cookie crunch.

That's a-- It's a little nougat.

Nougat? Please.

I think I've reached the point in my life

where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.

So let's not just say things

that we both know are obvious fabrications!

You know you're getting a little vein there?

I know about the vein!

Believe this guy?

Hey, George. Hey.

I'm starving. No. Last one.

Listen. You gotta help me out.

Elaine and Puddy broke up.

He's treating me like a regular customer.

I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen.

No-ho-ho. You were gonna get a deal, huh?

No-ho-ho. You were gonna get a deal, huh?

There's no laws in this place. Anything goes.

It's Thunderdome!

Is someone helping you?

Stay back!

[♪]

RICK: Where is it now?

Still some overlap between the needle

and the slash below the E.

How low are you gonna go?

Oh, I've been in the slash many times.

This is nothing. You'll get used to it.

Just... [POPS LIPS]

...put it out of your mind.

Have you...

ever been completely below...

the slash?

Well, I almost did once.

Well, I almost did once.

And I blacked out.

When I came to, the car was in a ditch,

and the tank was full.

I don't know who did it...

and I never got to thank them.

Mr. Kramer, the road!

Whoa! Whoa! [HORN HONKING]

Listen, Puddy. When we first started this deal,

I thought things would be different.

Now, if you wanna play hardball,

I got my friend George here,

and he can play pretty hard...ball.

George...

vein it up.

All right, Puddy, listen and listen good.

I need to know the name of that mechanic

that walks around here.

that walks around here.

Big guy, a liar, short name.

Sam? Mo? Sol?

George.

Can we focus on the car here?

I'm starving.

I can feel my stomach sucking up against my spine.

Jerry, I just need your signature here,

and we'll get you that yellow car ready to go.

Yellow? I wanted black.

I can't give you black at that price.

George, would you help me, please?

Yes. This is wrong!

Sing it, sister!

Just because a candy bar

Just because a candy bar

fails to fall from its perch... Oh, God.

...does not imply transfer of ownership.

Mo, Sol or Lem is not gonna

get away with this!

I'll be right back.

Okay. Hey. George.

[♪]

RICK: Is it just the angle I'm looking at?

No, sir. We are down there.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. This is amazing.

Oh, I never felt so alive.

All right, I'm satisfied.

We better get some gas.

What? Well, we can't stop now.

What do you mean?

We have to keep going,

back to the dealership. That was the plan.

back to the dealership. That was the plan.

There was no plan. Well, let's make it the plan!

Let's just go for it, like Thelma and Louise.

They drove to a dealership?

No. They drove off a cliff.

Oh, you are one sick mama.

I like it.

Mr. Kramer, the road!

Yup! Yup! [HORN HONKING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Elaine, you gotta get back here.

Puddy is screwing me on this car,

which is yellow now.

Who is this?

[FRUSTRATED GROAN]

What?

You gotta get back with Puddy

You gotta get back with Puddy

so I can make this deal.

You know, just that you cared enough to call

means so much, Jerry.

You're gonna get back together anyway.

It's thousands of dollars.

I don't know.

Come on. You don't have to see him

till my 15,000-mile check.

Well, will you pay my cab fare out there?

Fine.

And I didn't like that roast beef.

How about some lunch?

No. No lunch.

I'll hang this phone up right now.

All right. Lunch.

I'll see you. Bye.

Everybody's ripping me off.

[♪]

[♪]

Yes, I'd like to report a problem

with one of your mechanics.

When did you bring your car in?

Yeah, right.

I'm gonna get my car repaired at a dealership.

[LAUGHS] Why don't I just flush my money down the toilet?

Sir...

what exactly is the problem?

One of your guys, Kip or Ned--

short name

--stole my Twix candy bar.

Are you saying he grabbed your candy bar away from you?

He might as well have.

I caught him, and his face was covered

in chocolate and cookie crumbs.

in chocolate and cookie crumbs.

Thought you said it was a Twix.

Oh, it was.

But he claimed it was a 5th Avenue bar.

Maybe it was. Oh, no. No.

Twix is the only candy with the cookie crunch.

What about the $100,000 bar?

Nope. Rice and caramel.

Nougat? No.

Positive? Please.

You know they changed the name from $100,000 bar

to 100 Grand?

All I want is my 75 cents back,

an apology,

and for him to be fired.

I remember when you used to be able

I remember when you used to be able

to get a Hershey for a nickel.

What's the one with

the swirling chocolate in the commercial?

They all have swirling chocolate in the commercial.

Not Skittles.

Dad, I told you you could sit here

only if you don't talk.

You make your father sit here all day?

He likes it.

All right. Do you mind? I have the window.

Now what are you gonna do about my Twix?

Twix has too much coconut.

No! There's no coconut!

I'm allergic to coconut.

I'm allergic to coconut.

I'm not.

A nickel.

[♪]

Cab receipt. [CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Puddy.

I'm with a customer.

[SCOFFS]

No, no. No, E-- Elaine.

The-- The car can wait.

What's important is you two getting back together.

Uh, then we'll talk about the car.

I don't wanna get back with her. Too bossy.

David.

Okay...

now, I know this is an important decision.

Why don't we all just sit down and talk about it?

[GROANS]

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Now, look...

you both find each other attractive, right?

[SIGHS] [SCOFFS]

[IN UNISON] Right.

Clearly, no one else can stand to be

with either one of you.

[CHUCKLES] I guess. Good point.

All right.

Now what do I have to do

to put you two in a relationship today?

[♪]

Uh. Cars can go on empty,

but not us humans, huh, fella?

I'll get us a couple of Twix bars.

No. No coconut for me.

No. No coconut for me.

All right. I'll get you a Mounds bar.

Keep the engine running.

[YELLS]

No, man. Not the gas.

But it needs it, Kramer. It needs it bad.

You think that this will make you happy?

'Cause it won't!

Oh, you should just go on without me.

Listen to me.

When that car rolls into that dealership

and that tank is bone-dry,

I want you to be there with me, when everyone says,

I want you to be there with me, when everyone says,

"Kramer and that other guy,

"oh, they went farther to the left of the slash

than anyone ever dreamed."

[ENGINE KNOCKING]

Maybe we'd better get moving.

It's good to have you back, Stan.

It's Rick, by the way.

No time!

[♪]

Mr. Costanza,

I really don't have time for this.

Now, if this mechanic guy was, in fact,

eating a 5th Avenue bar, as he claims...

wouldn't you agree he would have no problem

wouldn't you agree he would have no problem

picking one out from a candy lineup?

Candy lineup?

I've spent the last hour preparing 10 candy bars,

with no wrappers or identification of any kind,

for him to select from.

Took you an hour?

Only I hold the answer key

to their true candy identities.

And so, without further ado...

I give you...

the candy lineup.

Hey, Willie, check it out.

Hey, Willie, check it out.

Free candy!

That's my candy lineup!

Where are all my cards? They're--

They're all on the floor.

And you!

How many Twix does that make for you today?

Like, eight Twix?

No.

Hey, this Clark bar is good.

It's a Twix.

They're all Twix!

It was a setup! A setup, I tell you!

And you've ruined it!

You've all screwed me again!

Now gimme one. Gimme a Twix.

They're all gone.

[LONG SCREAM] Twix!

What was that?

There's a mental hospital right near here.

All right. Elaine, David,

I believe we have a deal here in principle.

Arby's no more than once a month.

And in exchange, Elaine comes to your softball game

and doesn't read a book.

Hm. Well, that's not bad.

I can live with that.

So you're back together?

Yeah.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

All right. All right, all right. That's enough.

All right. All right, all right. That's enough.

Now, let's get back to my deal.

That undercoating. That's a rip-off, isn't it?

Oh. We don't even know what it is.

So I'm getting the insider's deal.

Insider's deal.

High-five.

[♪]

Rick: There's the dealer!

Hey! [GIGGLING]

We did it. We pulled it off.

I can't believe it. Where's the needle?

Oh, it broke off, baby.

[CHEERS]

Oh, Mr. Kramer, I gotta thank you. Huh?

I-- I learned a lot.

Things are gonna be different for me now.

Well, that's a weird thing to say.

Well, that's a weird thing to say.

I wonder how much longer we could have lasted.

Yeah, yeah. I wonder. Hm.

Hm.

[BOTH SCREAMING, CHEERING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[♪]

This is nice. What kind of car is this?

Caprice Classic.

You couldn't just give him one high-five?

And where does it end?

Then everyone's doing it.

It's like the wave at ball games,

air quotes, the phrase "Don't go there."

Someone's gotta take a stand.

This Arby's is good.

So, George...

I still don't understand.

How was that a setup?

And who were you trying to set up anyway,

the mechanic or the manager?

I don't know.

I don't know.

All of them. They're all crooks.

Besides, I couldn't get

all different candy bars anyway.

[KRAMER AND RICK LAUGHING, SCREAMING]

What was that?

I think there's

a mental hospital near here.

Yeah. Very near.

[KRAMER AND RICK CHEERING, LAUGHING]

Yahoo!

Yahoo.

[SIGHS]

Well, I think we stopped.

[SIGHS]

Mm, you can probably let go of my hand now.

Mm. Yeah, yeah.

[SIGHS]

Well, I'll think about it.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Do you have my card?

[♪]

DAD: A nickel.