Original subtitles

Old people in Florida, they drive slow,

and they sit low.

Right?

That is their motto.

The state flag of Florida should be, like,

a steering wheel with a hat

and two knuckles on it.

And that left-turn signal on

from when they left the house that morning.

Right?

That's a legal turn in Florida.

That's a legal turn in Florida.

It's known as an eventual left.

And old people get to a certain age

where, when they back out of the driveway...

they don't look.

You know what I mean?

They're-- They just feel like:

"Well, I'm old, and I'm coming back.

I survived. Let's see if you can."

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, you're back!

Oh, I'm back, baby.

Yeah, how was it, huh?

One of the best jobs I ever had.

Good for you. I killed.

You killed.

Wiped the floor with them.

And not only that.

The money was unbelievable.

Unbelievable!

Yeah. Highest-paying job I ever had.

How much?

Nah, nah, I'd rather not.

Oh, come on. Ah.

Friends shouldn't talk about money.

It can affect the friendship.

[SIGHS] I tell you how much I make.

[SIGHS] I tell you how much I make.

And I'm always impressed.

Just show me the check. Come on.

[SNAPS, CLAPS] All right. Fine. You wanna see it?

I wanna see it. Okay.

Here. Check that out.

W-whoa.

This is unbelievable.

I told you.

My God, you're rich.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know you made that kind of money.

Gee.

What?

I just don't think

I can talk to you anymore.

I feel inferior.

I never should have told you.

You know, Jerry, I think this changes the relationship.

I mean, I feel it.

Do you feel it?

No. I can't feel anything.

Well, what are you gonna do with all that money?

Actually, I was thinking of donating

a large portion of it to charity.

Really? No.

Well, you should, Jerry.

No, to tell you the truth,

I was thinking of buying my father a new car.

Now, you see, that's nice.

Yeah. Maybe a Cadillac.

Cadillac. Ooh-la-la!

Yeah.

That would really blow his mind.

That would really blow his mind.

He's always wanted one his whole life.

He's never been able to afford it.

I'm gonna do it.

You're gonna score big points

with the man upstairs on this one.

Oh, isn't that what it's all about?

Oh, y--

Who was Pippi Longstocking?

Pippi Longstocking?

Mm... I don't know.

Did she have anything to do with Hitler?

Hitler? Maybe.

Hey.

Hey, George. [SCOFFS]

Have you seen Jerry?

I told him 2:00.

I told him 2:00.

You remember Katy? Hm?

Oh, hi.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We met, uh, skiing that time.

You're married to the eye guy.

Also ear, nose and throat. Oh.

Nose.

[CHUCKLES]

What's the worst that could happen to a nose?

What does it get, stuffed?

[LAUGHING]

He's funny.

Uh, you don't have to tell me.

Ahh.

Ladies, please, please. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, you know what?

He got engaged.

Oh, you did?

Oh...

What, is that bad?

I actually would have set you up with a friend of mine.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

You'd be perfect for her.

She loves quirky, funny guys.

Bald? Uh--

Loves bald.

Loves bald.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow. Who, uh--?

Who is she?

Marisa Tomei.

The actress?

Yeah.

Y-you're friends with Marisa Tomei?

Y-you're friends with Marisa Tomei?

That's right.

Th-that's incredible. My Cousin Vinny--

I love her.

She was fantastic.

Yeah, I know.

You were gonna fix me up with her?

Yeah. She's just been sitting home.

Marisa Tomei's sitting home, Elaine.

W-w-why didn't you tell me that Katy

was friends with Marisa Tomei?

Oh, I don't know what I was thinking.

JERRY: I want this baby fully loaded.

Well, how soon can you get it there?

Oh, that's terrific.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Hey, guess what?

I just bought my father a Cadillac.

Really?

Wow, you are quite the good son.

Yeah. I'm a very good boy.

I'm flying down there and surprising them.

You gonna sleep on the foldout?

Yeah.

I guess.

Uh, let me ask you something.

You, uh...

You ever hear of Marisa Tomei?

The actress? Yeah.

She's, uh--

She's something, isn't she?

Oh, yeah.

Well, you know Katy, Elaine's friend?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She happens to be very good friends with her.

Marisa Tomei? Mm-hm.

How does she know Marisa Tomei?

I-I don't know. I didn't ask.

You didn't ask how she knows Marisa Tomei?

Not the point. All right.

Can I finish?

Go ahead.

Seems like a reasonable question.

That's all I'm saying.

I would have asked her.

All right!

So she said that she could have

fixed me up with her.

What do you mean, "could have"?

Well, you know, if I, uh, wasn't engaged.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Could have fixed me up with Marisa Tomei.

She said I was just her type.

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know the odds of me being anyone's type?

I have never been anyone's type.

But, apparently, this Marisa Tomei

loves funny, quirky bald men.

You know, she won an Academy Award.

[CHUCKLES] Like I don't know that.

My Cousin Vinny, I love that.

I, George Costanza, could be on a date

with an Oscar winner.

An Oscar winner, Jerry!

An Oscar winner, Jerry!

Do you know what that's like?

It's like, if 50 years ago, someone had fixed me up

with Katharine Hepburn.

Same thing!

Now, there's a match,

you and Katharine Hepburn.

I mean, you've seen her, right?

Katharine Hepburn? Oh, yeah.

Marisa Tomei!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, she's beautiful, right?

She's just my type.

The dark hair, the full lips.

You like full lips.

Oh, I love full lips.

Something you can really put the lipstick on.

Mm-mm-mm.

Too bad you're engaged.

Too bad you're engaged.

Yeah, too bad. Too bad.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

This is no good.

Hi. Hi, uh...

Excuse me, I'm, uh-- I'm with Plaza Cable.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I-I'm looking for the guy who lives over here.

Been waiting about, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

...two hours. Uh.

You, uh, happen to know where he is?

No.

Could you tell him the cable company was here?

Sure.

Thank you.

Nice people. Yeah.

Uh, uh, listen, let-- Let me ask you a question.

Uh...

what if I got a cup of coffee with her?

Well, what about Susan?

I can't have a cup of coffee with a person?

I'm not allowed to have coffee?!

Would you tell Susan about it?

Not necessarily.

Well, if you can't tell Susan about it,

then there's something wrong.

Of course there's something wrong!

We had a pact!

Hey, cable guy's looking for you.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Ah.

Yeah, I've been getting HBO and Showtime for free.

See, they found out about it.

So now they wanna come and take it out.

Well, said he was waiting about two hours.

Seemed a little put out.

[MOCKINGLY] Oh, was he?

Well, I guess the cable man

doesn't like to be kept waiting.

You don't seem too bothered by it.

Do you remember what they did to me 10 years ago?

"Oh, we'll be there in the morning between 9 and 1.

Or we'll be there between 2 and 6."

And I sat there,

And I sat there,

hour after hour,

without so much as a phone call.

Finally, they show up.

No apology.

Tracking mud all over my nice, clean floors.

And now... [CLAPS]

...they want me

to accommodate them.

Well...

Looks like the shoe is on the other foot,

doesn't it?

Boy, I've never seen you like this.

Oh, you don't want to get on my bad side.

--marks without Positraction,

which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark.

which was not available on the '64 Buick Skylark.

Hey.

Hey, what are you watching?

What is that, My Cousin Vinny?

Yeah.

I thought you saw that before.

How come you're watching that again?

I-I-I don't know.

Did you know Marisa Tomei won an Oscar for that?

Boy, she's beautiful, don't you think?

I wish I looked like that.

Well, turn it off. You're making me jealous.

I'm gonna think you like her more than you like me.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

[PHONE RINGS]

ELAINE: Hello?

[WHISPERS] Elaine. It's me, George.

How come you're whispering? Never mind.

Never mind. I need you to do me a favor. Um...

Remember what we were talking about at the coffee shop?

No.

Think a second.

You know, y-your friend was talking about me

You know, y-your friend was talking about me

and, you know...

[SCOFFS] George, I have no idea

what you're talking about.

The actress.

What?

[YELLS] Marisa Tomei!

SUSAN: What?!

Ah, nothing. Nothing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What about her?

Well, um...

I think I'd like to do it.

What?

What?

George, no way.

You're engaged.

A coffee. Th-that doesn't mean anything.

[INCENSED] Ugh. No, George.

Elaine. Forget it!

Elaine!

Elaine! Don't!

Elaine! Don't!

Oh! Oh!

The judge!

I-I hate this guy!

I can't believe you're

buying your father a car.

And best of all, it's a Cadillac.

[GASPS]

A Cadillac?

Wow.

I had no idea you had

this kind of money.

Oh, I-- I don't like to talk about it.

Yeah, I mean, I thought you were doing okay.

Yeah, I mean, I thought you were doing okay.

I-I-- I just didn't think you were in

this kind of, you know, uh...

position.

Ah, it's just money.

So when are you getting back from Florida?

Oh, I don't know.

Play it by ear. Why?

I don't know. Just...

Things seem a little more exciting when you're around.

That's all.

Are you okay?

Sure, sure.

Sure, sure.

What was that?

Quiet. Quiet.

Hey, uh...

you know the guy who lives here?

Yeah.

All morning I've been waiting here.

All morning.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, this is...

The guy says he's gonna be home.

I show up. And all I do is wait.

I'm getting pretty sick and tired of it.

And I'm not gonna put up with it much longer.

I'm loving this.

Hey, there's a guy out here that--

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

Oh.

Thanks very much for yesterday, by the way.

Jerry...he wants me

to fix him up with Marisa Tomei.

I am not gonna be a part of this!

"Fixed up"? A cup of coffee.

A cup of coffee is not a fix-up.

You wanna meet her.

You wanna see if she likes you?

So what? So what if I do?

You're engaged!

I'm aware! I'm aware!

But this is Marisa Tomei, Elaine.

An Oscar winner.

How can I live the rest of my life

How can I live the rest of my life

knowing I could have been with Marisa Tomei?

She said I was just her type.

She loves short, stocky, balding funnymen.

I notice you threw "stocky" in there.

Yeah, what the hell!

George, it's cheating.

It's not cheating

if there's no sex.

Yes, it is.

Jerry.

Hundred. H-hold on a second.

I'm-- I'm sorry.

I didn't hear what you said.

Um...

Um...

Elaine, come on.

Would you just make the call?

Please, make the call.

Yeah. Yeah, fine. I'll call.

All right.

Eight fifty.

Oh, right.

[PHONE RINGING]

So, uh...

how are you getting to the airport?

Do you need a ride, or...?

No, don't be silly. I've arranged a car.

You sure? You sure?

Because, you know...

[SNIFFS]

Maybe I'll let you pick me up.

Okay.

Oh, hi.

Um, i-is Katy there?

W-- Uh, what?

Oh, really?

Well, could you tell her Elaine called?

Yeah, thanks.

Huh.

She's in the hospital.

She has an arrhythmia.

What about Marisa Tomei?

Morty, what do you have to open this box for?

There's already a box of cookies open.

I wanted a Chip Ahoy.

Oh. I don't want all these open boxes.

Look, I got a few good years left.

If I want a Chip Ahoy, I'm having it.

[DOOR OPENS]

Surprise!

Jerry!

Oh, my God! Oh.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm a good son.

Just like that? No call?

Just like that.

Oh, you are really something.

To what do we owe this great honor?

You wanna know. Come on outside.

Outside? What's going on?

Whenever Jerry comes,

something exciting happens.

Ha-ha. Come on, come on.

[♪]

Well, what do you think?

MORTY: Look at this.

Look at this, heh-heh.

You bought a Cadillac?

I bought it for you.

It's yours.

You what?

You bought me a Cadillac?

I bought you a Cadillac.

I bought you a Cadillac.

Here you go.

Are you out of your mind? What?

We can't take this.

You don't want it? Are you kidding?

He's not buying us a Cadillac.

What are you, nuts?

This is a very nice gesture, Jerry,

but take it back.

Can you believe this?

I'm not letting him buy us a Cadillac.

He hasn't got that kind of money.

How do you know?

Oh, get out of here, Mr. Big Shot.

Why can't I buy my father a car?

Your father doesn't need a car.

Yes, I do! Oh, Morty.

We're keeping it.

Over my dead body.

What? Give me those. Give me--

Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.

Well, this worked out just as I had hoped.

[RINGING]

KRAMER [ON MACHINE]: Giddyup.

MAN: Yeah, this is Nick Stevens

from Plaza Cable.

Well, I waited all morning again.

You said you were gonna be there from 9 to 1.

I was there.

Where were you?

You think I got nothing better to do

than stand outside all morning

waiting for you to show up?

You're not gonna get away with this.

Hey, Jerry, look at this.

My seat's got a memory,

My seat's got a memory,

in case somebody moves it.

I could be in prison for five years.

I come out, my seat goes right back to where I like it.

That's what I was thinking.

Hello, Jerry.

Hi, Jack.

So...

how do you like this?

Whose car?

It's mine.

Yours? That's right.

My son bought it for me.

He what?

My son bought me the car.

It's a present.

You bought it?

That's right, I bought it.

You ever see one so nice?

Some car.

You wanna take a ride?

You wanna take a ride?

No. Thank you.

Come on, take a ride.

I don't wanna take a ride.

Why not?

I don't feel like taking a ride.

Do I have to take a ride?

He doesn't wanna take a ride. Uh-huh.

What do you think,

I've never ridden in a Cadillac before?

Believe me, I have ridden in a Cadillac

hundreds of times.

Thousands.

Thousands?

What, you think you're such a big shot now

because you got a Cadillac?

Ahh! Ahh!

Did you believe that guy?

Ahh!

GEORGE: Anyway,

I was thinking about what you said

about, the... Me and Marisa.

about, the... Me and Marisa.

You know, about the, uh--

The two of us

getting together, and--

And I know that I said that I was engaged.

But, uh, you know, it's--

It's really just

something you say, you know.

It's like going steady, you know, uh...

Going steady, engaged.

It's-- It's-- It's all just stuff you say.

[CHUCKLES]

Anyway, I, uh--

I was watching, uh, My Cousin Vinny

on the, uh-- On the tape the other day.

And I was thinking that, uh, you know,

the two of us might, uh, take a meeting,

as they say.

[CHUCKLES]

So, what do you-- What do you think?

So, what do you-- What do you think?

Move a pinkie if it's yes.

Can you move a pinkie?

♪ Ba, ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

[PHONE RINGS]

"Yello."

MAN: Hi, uh, uh, Mr. Kramer.

Uh, this is McNab down at the phone company.

We got a report about some trouble on your line.

Hm. Well, I haven't had any trouble.

Uh, the thing is, we happen to have a man

right in your neighborhood.

Oh.

Oh.

Is that right?

Well, I have been having

a little trouble with my call waiting.

We can fix that. We can fix that.

Oh, can you?

Well, that's funny.

Because as it happens,

I don't have call waiting.

Seems to me that the phone company

would know that.

Oh, right.

I'm sorry.

I was looking at the wrong work order.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, could you hold on for a second?

I've got something on the stove.

[TURNS ON INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[EXHALES]

[HORN HONKS]

KRAMER: Hey, McNab!

Chunnel's on HBO tonight!

Why don't you stop by!

[STAMMERS]

All right. Next thing on the agenda:

the restoration of the fence at the Broward Gate.

At the present time, we are still accepting bids.

At the present time, we are still accepting bids.

Come on, it's been broken for six months already.

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I, as your president, have to find the best price.

And right now, I, for one, do not think it's cost-feasible.

I'll bet you don't.

What's that?

Come on, Morty.

The jig is up.

What are you talking about? I'm sorry.

I'm sitting here the whole meeting

holding my tongue.

I know you a long time, Morty.

But I cannot hold it in any longer.

What's going on, Jack?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds

Morty Seinfeld has been stealing funds

from the treasury.

Stealing?

What proof do you have?

Proof? You want proof?

He's driving around in a brand-new Cadillac.

Now, what more proof do you want?

My son bought me that car.

Your son? Yeah.

Your son could never afford that car.

We all saw his act

last year at the playhouse.

He's lucky he can pay his rent.

Jack's right.

He stinks!

It's his material.

I tell you, he bought it for me!

I move for a full investigation.

I move for a full investigation.

I second.

Impeachment?

That's right.

Have you ever heard of anything like that?

Can they do that?

If they get the votes.

I told you we shouldn't have let him give us the car.

Didn't you tell them I got the bill of sale?

That proves I paid.

It doesn't make a difference.

They think we're in cahoots.

You know, you could put a fence around these condos,

and call it an insane asylum.

Nobody would know the difference.

No one's ever been impeached before.

I couldn't live here.

We'd have to move to Boca.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Evelyn.

Hello, Jerry.

I just got off the phone with Sol Brandes.

What did he say?

He's voting to impeach.

Not because he thinks you stole the money,

but mainly because you never thanked him

for giving you his aisle seat at Freddy Roman's show.

I did so thank him.

No, he never heard you.

I told you he didn't hear you.

Ah, he's deaf anyway.

Now...

my sources tell me...

my sources tell me...

there's three votes for impeachment,

three votes against impeachment,

and one undecided.

Who's that?

Mrs. Choate.

Who's she? MORTY: Oh, that one?

She's been a member of the board

longer than anybody.

She's very tough to deal with.

Maybe we should have her over for coffee

and explain our side of it.

That's a good idea.

Okay.

I'll see you at the Lichtenbergs' tonight.

The Lichtenbergs'?

Yes. They're having a party.

We weren't invited.

Well...

Probably they think you're too good for them.

You know...

because of the car.

[DOOR CLOSES]

We're losing all our friends.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

MAN: Hello, Mr. Kramer?

This is John Hanaran from Con Ed.

Oh, it's Hanaran now, is it?

Yes.

We've had some reports of power surges

in your building.

It seems some jokers were up on the roof,

It seems some jokers were up on the roof,

and they must have damaged some of the wires.

Oh, you don't say.

Yeah. Either way, we need to get into your apartment

and do a safety check.

Oh. You're good.

You are really good.

What are you talking about?

I guess I should just go introduce myself, huh?

Hey. What are you watching?

Only You?

That's another Marisa Tomei movie.

And you've seen that one too.

What? Do you have a thing for her?

[SCOFFS] Yeah.

Yeah, I-- I have a thing for Marisa Tomei.

[CHUCKLING]

Like she would ever go out with a--

A short, stocky, bald man.

Like, that's her type.

She's an Oscar winner.

Besides, I-- I don't even know her.

It's not like anyone's trying to fix us up.

Who-- Who would try and fix me up with Marisa Tomei?

What are you talking about?

[♪]

Have I told you how much I love you today?

Not in the last 15 minutes.

Well, I do love you very much.

And I love you, Marisa.

Well, then.

Come on, get dressed.

We're going to be late for the premiere.

Hm.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

Oh. Stupid foldout.

Why do they put the bar in the middle of the bed?

[GROANING]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Jerry.

Elaine?

W-what's going on?

Ahem. I was thinking.

I mean, I'm not really...

doing that much this weekend,

and I thought, "Well...

"what the hell.

Maybe I'll come down there and hang out a little."

You want to hang out here

at... Phase Two

in the Pines of Mar Gables?

[GIGGLING]

Well...

it's just two hours by plane.

Gee, I-- I don't know what to tell you anymore.

Gee, I-- I don't know what to tell you anymore.

[BEEP] Damn it!

Got another call.

Uh, hang on. Don't-- Don't hang up, Jerry.

[CLICKS OVER]

[ANNOYED] Yeah?

Elaine, you have got to get me

Marisa Tomei's phone number.

Okay, George, I'm on the other line.

I promise you I'll get you her number.

Yeah.

Goodbye.

[CLICKS OVER]

Hi.

Hi.

So, what do you think?

Uh, I don't think so.

Oh.

Oh.

I'll be back on Monday.

Well, if you would need that ride,

just, um...

give me a call, heh.

I-I can meet you at the gate, Jerr.

Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

All right, I-I'll see you.

Jerr. Jerry?

Yeah?

Bye.

Bye.

GEORGE: Yeah, sure.

No, that's fantastic.

Uh, I'll see you then.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

I just got off the phone with Marisa Tomei.

I just spoke to Marisa Tomei.

And I-I wasn't even that nervous.

You know, I can't remember calling a woman

without being nervous.

Usually, I'm pacing all over the room.

I write down things to say.

Okay, well, that's all the time

we have for today.

But why don't we pick up with this next week?

Where are you going?

I got stuff to do.

What? You can't leave yet.

Why not?

We have to discuss my alibi.

Alibi?

What does that have to do with me?

I usually spend Saturday afternoons with Susan.

She's gonna wanna know what I'm doing.

She's gonna wanna know what I'm doing.

I can't use Jerry. He's in Florida.

So you wanna say you were with me?

Yes.

Okay, fine. You were with me.

W-wait a second. Wait a second.

What were we doing?

Where were we?

Why are we together?

What is the difference?

Because if you ever see her,

and it comes up, we have to be in sync.

Nuh.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Now...

Why do I have to see you?

Why do I have to see you?

Ah!

Because I'm going to the dentist...

and I'm afraid...

and I want you to go with me.

That's no good.

Okay.

Fine.

What?

I don't like the way

you just rejected my suggestion.

Hey, let's not get so defensive here.

This is a give-and-take process.

I thought that my suggestion was good.

And I think you could have been a little more tactful.

And I think you could have been a little more tactful.

Okay, look, we've never worked together on a lie.

You don't understand how I work.

I have a certain way of working.

Jerry and I have worked together a few times.

He knows how I work.

Not a personal thing.

We're just trying to come up

with the best possible lie.

That's what this is all about.

Okay. All right?

Okay. Okay?

Fine. Good.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Okay. [EXHALES]

Okay, how about this?

What? You are having boyfriend problems,

and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.

and I am meeting you to discuss the situation.

I don't have a boyfriend.

She doesn't know that.

We say that you do.

Ugh.

It's good.

Believe me.

I thought my idea was just as good.

The dentist thing?

Yeah, right.

The dentist thing.

The dentist thing was not good.

Okay. All right.

What is his name? Who is he?

Art Vandelay.

Art Vandelay?

This is my boyfriend?

That's your boyfriend.

What does he do? [SNAPS]

What does he do? [SNAPS]

He's an importer.

Just imports? No exports?

He's an importer-exporter. Okay?

All right.

So...

I'm dating Art Vandelay.

What is the problem we're discussing?

Yes. Yes.

[LOW VOICE] Hi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Ah!

How about this?

How about he's thinking of quitting the exporting,

and just focusing in on the importing.

and just focusing in on the importing.

And this is causing a problem.

Because why not do both?

Oh, what?

You don't like that suggestion either?

It's very complicated.

You know, it seems to me that it's all you,

and none of my ideas are getting in.

You know, I mean, you just know it all.

And I am Miss Stupid.

Right?

MORTY: What are you doing?

Are you making coffee? Yeah.

Well, you better make a pot of tea too.

Morty, you're driving me crazy.

Look, I don't want anything to go wrong.

If this woman votes to impeach me,

I'll be a laughingstock.

You wanna drive a Cadillac,

expect to pay the consequences.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There she is.

Hello. Hello, Mrs. Choate.

Oh, come in. Come in.

May I take your coat?

No, no. I prefer to wear it.

Nobody's taking my coat.

Oh. How about a cup of coffee or something?

Coffee? Ah.

Coffee? Ah.

Uh, I'll take hot water with lemon, if you have it.

Uh, please, have a seat.

That's a lovely scarf you're wearing.

Uh, where did you get it?

Oh, they're a dime a dozen.

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Mrs. Choate, this is my son, Jerry.

Give me that rye. Stop it.

Help! Someone help!

Shut up, you old bag.

Oh. Thief. Thief!

Stop him! Stop him.

He's got my rye!

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hello.

Jerry lives in New York.

You just came from New York?

Yeah,

I was visiting my daughter.

And I'll never go back.

The crime there

is just terrible.

Do you know I got mugged

for a marble rye right on the street?

HELEN: Oh, that's terrible.

They stole a rye?

Why would they steal a rye?

That's what the city's turning into.

They'll steal anything.

They're like savages.

Yeah, there are some sickos out there.

You look very familiar.

H-have we ever met?

You ever go to Camp Tioga?

You ever go to Camp Tioga?

Maybe you've seen him on television.

Jerry's a comedian.

No, I don't watch TV.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Jerry, don't go.

Oh, I think I'll go.

So, Morty,

what's this all about?

What do you want?

SUSAN: Hey, where are you going?

Oh, I-- I didn't tell you?

I-I gotta go, uh, meet Elaine.

Elaine? What for?

I don't know.

She-- she's having some problems

with this guy she's seeing.

I didn't know she was dating anyone.

I didn't know she was dating anyone.

Yeah, yeah.

She's seeing this guy, Art Vandelay.

So, what does he do?

He's an importer-exporter.

What kind of problems are they having?

Well, he, um...

He wants to, uh,

quit the exporting and, um...

focus just on the importing.

And it's a problem, because she thinks the exporting

is as important as the importing.

Are you having an affair with Elaine?

[CHUCKLING] Right. Come on.

I'm having an affair with Elaine?

If I was having an affair with Elaine,

I wouldn't tell you I'm going to see Elaine.

I-I would make up another person to tell you I was gonna go see,

and then I would go see Ela--

Elaine.

Uh-huh.

[♪]

I'll get you!

I'll get you, Kramer!

I'll get you, Kramer!

You won't get away with this!

All right, are you ready to eat?

Oh, right, let's go.

Jerry, let's go. It's time to eat.

We're going to dinner.

Dinner?

Well, what time is it?

It's 4:30.

Four thirty?

Who eats dinner at 4:30?

By the time we sit down, it'll be quarter to 5.

I don't understand why we have to eat now.

We gotta catch the early-bird.

It's only between 4:30 and 6.

Yeah, they give you a tenderloin,

a salad and a baked potato for $4.95.

You know what that costs you after 6? Ha-ha.

You know what that costs you after 6? Ha-ha.

Can't we eat at a decent hour?

I'll treat, okay?

You're not buying us dinner.

I'm not force-feeding myself a steak at 4:30

to save a couple bucks.

I'll tell you that.

[SIGHS]

All right.

We'll wait.

But it's unheard of.

GEORGE: So anyway,

if you-- If you think about it,

"manure" is not really that bad a word.

I mean, it's "newer," which is good.

I mean, it's "newer," which is good.

[LAUGHING] And a "ma" in front of it,

which is also good.

"Ma-nure."

So it's really not that bad.

You're so right.

I never thought of it like that.

"Manure."

"Ma" and the "newer."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Did you just make that up?

What, you think I'm doing material here?

No, no. I'm not saying that.

It's hard to believe anyone could be so...

spontaneously funny.

And I'm a little tired.

[LAUGHS]

So tell me...

how is it that a man like you...

how is it that a man like you...

so bald and...

so quirky and funny...

How is it you're not taken?

Well, Marisa...

see, the-- The thing is...

I'm sort of engaged.

What?

I'm, you know...

"engaged."

JERRY: Hey, look, there's a spot right in front.

MORTY: Always, Jerry. Always.

Was that delicious or what?

Where you gonna get a better meal than that?

It's better than Danny's.

Danny's? Come on.

MORTY: Hello, Jack. Doris.

Hi, Jack. Hi, Doris. Jerry.

Hello, Morty.

Well...

you missed the early-bird.

you missed the early-bird.

Yeah? So?

Must be nice...

to have that kind of money.

Bernie.

Look who's eating at 6:00.

Your suddenly

well-to-do president.

[WHISPERS] Stop it, Jack.

Uh, you enjoy your last meal in office.

Tomorrow, when they kick you out,

you'll have plenty of time to drive around

in your Cadillac.

They're not kicking me out.

You don't have the votes.

You don't have the votes.

That's what you think.

We'll see.

Yes, we will.

All right, let's eat already.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

Hi, Susan. Hi.

Hi.

Come in.

Come in.

Have a seat.

Uh, Elaine, I have to ask you a question.

Oh, sure.

Are you having an affair with George?

What?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, no.

Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, why would anyone

wanna sleep--?

Well, obviously...

You know-- Of-- Of--

[STAMMERS]

Why would you think I was having an affair with George?

Oh.

Because he said that he had to

talk with you earlier about some...

problem that you were having.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did have to talk with him.

I-I definitely had to talk with him.

I was having a problem with my...boyfriend.

Art Vandelay?

Yeah, Art Vandelay.

I'm sorry.

I-- I feel like an idiot.

[CHUCKLING] No, no. [LAUGHS]

That's okay.

Just forget that we ever talked.

It is so forgotten.

All right. Okay.

Okay. It's no problem.

So was George helpful at all?

So was George helpful at all?

Yeah. Oh, yes.

Yes, he was very helpful.

Um...

You know, because Art and I were getting into

this whole thing about his business.

You know, he's an importer-exporter.

Yeah.

George felt that I was too adamant

in my stand that Art should...

focus on the exporting

and forget about the importing.

Wait a minute.

I thought Art wanted to give up the exporting.

What did I say?

The importing.

I did?

Oh.

So, what does he, uh...

import?

Chips.

Ah.

What kind of chips?

Potato. Ah.

Some corn.

And what does he export?

Diapers.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Oh, no, it's okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay.

[WHISPERING] Come on, George, pick up.

Oh, pick up. Oh, pick up.

Hi.

Hi. So, George,

what does Art Vandelay import?

Matches.

Really long matches.

[MURMURING]

There she is.

Okay, if I could have your attention

for a minute here.

for a minute here.

We're calling this emergency meeting of the board

of Phase Two to consider a motion of impeachment

of our president, Morty Seinfeld.

Nervous, Jack?

What for?

Because I have the votes.

[CHUCKLES]

Nice to see you, Mrs. Choate.

Hello, Morty.

Building A,

are you for or against the motion to impeach?

What does that mean?

It means if you're for the motion...

you're against Morty.

So why don't you say that?

Hey. I'm running the meeting.

If you think so.

If you think so.

Building A.

For impeachment.

Building B.

Against impeachment.

Building C.

For impeachment.

Building D.

Against impeachment.

I can't believe you got that old bag.

Help. Someone help!

Shut up, you old bag.

Oh. Thief. Thief!

It's him.

It's your son.

Now I know where I saw him.

Now I know where I saw him.

He stole my marble rye.

My son never stole anything.

He's a good boy.

They should lock him up.

Like father, like son.

I change my vote.

I vote to impeach.

Me too. I change my vote.

All those in favor say aye.

[ALL BUT MORTY] Aye!

All opposed?

The ayes have it.

The motion passes.

Morty Seinfeld,

you are officially dismissed

as condo president.

As vice president, Jack Klompus,

As vice president, Jack Klompus,

in accordance with the Phase Two constitution,

is hereby installed as president.

Hear, hear, Jack.

WOMAN: Good for you, honey.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

All right, I-- I know you're in there.

I know you can hear me.

You win, okay? You win.

I can't do it anymore.

What do you want from me? An apology?

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

There, I said it.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I see now how we made you feel

when we made you sit home waiting.

I don't know why we do it.

I guess maybe we just kind of enjoy

taking advantage of people.

But all that's gonna change.

From now on, no more 9 to 12, no more 1 to 5.

We'll kind of have appointments.

Eleven o'clock is gonna mean 11:00.

And if we can't make it,

I'm gonna call you, tell you why.

I'm gonna call you, tell you why.

For God's sakes, if a doctor can do it,

why can't we?

Anyway...

that's it.

Ah...

I'm sorry, bub. Oh.

[SOBS]

[♪]

The bags are in the car.

I guess we'd better go.

[SIGHS]