Original subtitles

When you wake up, it's like you're being born

all over again.

You can't see, you can't talk.

You're on your way to the bathroom

trying to remember, "How do I walk?"

It's like you've never been alive before.

If any invention marks the decline

of human civilization it would have to be

the snooze alarm.

The snooze alarm is based on the idea

that when the alarm goes off, you are not getting up.

You're not even awake, you're already a failure.

They should sell the snooze alarm

with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila.

with an unemployment application and a bottle of tequila.

Just make it a complete, pathetic loser kit.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello.

MALE VOICE: This is your wake-up service.

It's 7:15.

Oh, God.

Oh, I could use a few more hours sleep.

Hot date last night?

I wish.

A woman with a sexy voice like yours,

it's hard to believe you're waking up alone.

Really?

Thank you.

Tri-State-wake-up service...

person.

Call me James.

Oh, all right...

James.

[CHUCKLES]

Your wake-up guy asked you out?

Yeah. I've never seen him, but I feel like

we have this weirdly intimate relationship.

I mean, I'm lying in bed, I'm wearing my nightie...

I don't know. Blind date?

What? You wanna go out with my cousin Holly.

What? You wanna go out with my cousin Holly.

You've never met her.

Yeah, but I've seen pictures of her.

At least I've spoken to my guy. You're going out on a deaf date.

I'd rather go on a deaf date than a blind date.

Would you rather date the blind or the deaf?

Oh.

Now you're off on a topic.

Now, I think I would rather date the deaf.

Uh-huh.

Because I think the blind would be a little messy

around the house.

I mean, let's face it,

they're not gonna get all the crumbs.

You're constantly walking around with a sponge.

You're constantly walking around with a sponge.

See, I disagree. I would rather date the blind.

You could let the house go, you let yourself go.

A good-looking blind woman

doesn't really know you're not good enough for her.

She'd figure it out soon enough.

What?

What is this?

Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.

Veggie sandwich and a grapefruit.

What are you turning into?

A healthy person.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! You squirted me.

Oh, sorry.

Boy, that stings.

George. Have you seen Morgan?

No.

He's been coming in later and later.

Is there something wrong?

No, not that I know of.

Really. Hm.

Well, make sure he signs this.

If there's a problem with Morgan, you can tell me.

Morgan?

No, he's doing a great job.

I understand.

JERRY: I still can't believe

you're going on a blind date.

I'm not worried.

He sounds like he's really good-looking.

You're going by sound? What are we, whales?

I think I can tell.

Elaine, what percentage of people are good-looking?

Twenty-five percent.

Twenty-five percent? Mm-hm.

No way. It's like 4 to 6 percent.

It's a 20-1 shot.

You're way off.

Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau?

It's a leper colony down there.

So basically what you're saying is,

So basically what you're saying is,

95 percent of the population is undateable?

Undateable!

Then how are all these people getting together?

Alcohol.

What is your problem?

No problem here.

You keep winking at me. That's really obnoxious.

I had no idea.

Right there!

You just did it again.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

It's from that grapefruit that Jerry squirted at me.

Oh, your eye still hurts? Yeah.

You must've squirted a piece of pulp in it too.

Pulp couldn't make it across the table.

Pulp can move, baby!

Why can't you eat a real breakfast?

I eat healthy.

If I have to take out an eye,

that's the breaks.

Wait a minute.

I must've been winking at the office.

That's why Mr. Wilhelm was acting so misterioso.

[CHUCKLES]

What did he think, you were flirting with him?

Heh-heh-hoo.

No!

He thought I was hiding something about Morgan.

Hey, guys. Hey, Jughead.

Hello, Archie.

Veronica.

Mr. Weatherbee.

Mr. Weatherbee.

Whoa.

Is this Don Mattingly's signature?

Yeah.

And Buck Showalter's?

It's an interoffice envelope.

It gets passed around all over.

Can I show this to my buddy, Stubs?

He runs a sports memorabilia store.

He'll pay top dollar for pro autographs.

Like I'm gonna risk my job with the New York Yankees

to make a few extra bucks.

No, of course not.

No, you see, Don Mattingly signed this envelope.

No, you see, Don Mattingly signed this envelope.

Then he sent it to room 318, where it was received

and signed for, by manager Buck Showalter.

I don't know.

An envelope doesn't really cut it. Why?

What is this?

A birthday card.

Signed by the entire Yankee organization?

This could be worth something.

GEORGE: Is that the lovely Mrs. Morgan?

MRS. MORGAN: Hello.

You got that birthday card?

Birthday card?

Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card.

Mr. Steinbrenner's birthday card.

Wilhelm said you'd have it for me to sign.

Oh.

Uh, yeah.

I, uh, have that for you right after lunch.

Fine, I'll be back after my massage.

Of course, your massage.

Enjoy your massage.

Hello?

Elaine?

James!

Oh.

Oh.

Hello.

Whew! [LAUGHS]

I can't believe Elaine's never taken you here before.

I'm not much of a meat eater.

You don't eat meat? What are you, one of those--?

No, I'm not... one of those.

When we were little girls, Grandma Mema would take us

to a matinee and then dinner here.

Grandma Mema?

Elaine must have mentioned Grandma Mema.

No, I think I would have remembered Mema.

That's typical.

Elaine never liked Grandma Mema.

Elaine never liked Grandma Mema.

Ready?

I'll have the porterhouse, medium rare,

baked potato with sour cream.

What do you recommend besides the steak?

The lamb chops are good.

Anything lighter?

How do you prepare the chicken?

It's a full bird, stuffed with ham,

topped with Gorgonzola.

You know what? I'll just have a salad.

Thank you.

JERRY: Just a salad.

Just a salad.

Just a salad.

Here you are.

Here you are.

Hey, boys. Hey, you.

Oh.

These are your dogs? Yeah.

When you live alone, your dogs are all you have.

Do you like dogs?

[DOG BARKING]

Shut...up!

You stupid little mutt!

Dogs? Oh, I-- I love dogs.

Boys, this is Elaine.

[BARKING AND GROWLING]

Sorry.

They're usually very friendly.

Hey.

Mr. Morgan, how was your massage?

I had to cancel it.

For some reason, my wife got it into her head

that it was more than just a massage.

Really?

Yeah, we got into this big fight,

looks like tonight I'm sleeping on the couch.

Hey, listen, don't oversleep.

You can't afford to be late again.

Somebody around here has been giving Wilhelm the impression

that I've been slacking off.

Hey, you should try my friend's wake-up service.

She swears by this thing.

Costanza, you may be my only friend around here.

You got that birthday card?

Uh, not yet.

Uh, not yet.

Make sure Steinbrenner doesn't get it until I sign it.

Yes, sir.

I just don't understand it.

As soon as I met these dogs, they started growling at me.

Maybe his dogs heard about how you tried to kidnap

that other dog.

These mutts like to gossip.

So have you talked to Holly?

Uh-huh.

Did she mention anything about our lunch?

Um...kind of.

What do you mean, kind of?

I mean, she thought it was kind of strange

to just order a salad.

You know...for a man.

You know...for a man.

Like a quiche thing?

You're in the ballpark.

Salad. What was I thinking?

Women don't respect salad-eaters.

You got that right.

You're going over there for dinner tonight?

Mm-hm.

What is she making?

I don't know, but I'm sure it had parents.

Call her up.

She won't mind if you come.

Oh, don't worry. I'll be there.

And I'll be packing an artery.

And I'll be packing an artery.

Well, Mr. Weatherbee.

Do you have that Yankee envelope?

I sure do.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

There you are.

You'll be very pleased when you see what's inside.

What is this?

Your cut of the loot.

Stubs gave me $200

for the autographed birthday card inside.

Who told you to sell the card?

You did.

No, I didn't.

Not in so many words,

Not in so many words,

but I believe we had an understanding.

I was not winking, you idiot!

That was the grapefruit!

It's like acid!

I need that card. It's Mr. Steinbrenner's.

I was responsible.

Stubs already sold it to some guy whose kid's in the hospital.

Well, get it back! It's very important!

Look, you want me to get it back or not?

Get it back!

This is such a lovely table setting, Holly.

Ooh. Where did you get these napkins?

Ooh. Where did you get these napkins?

They were Grandma Mema's.

Oh, I don't remember them.

You wouldn't.

She only used them on special occasions.

Special occasions?

It wasn't special when my family visited?

Everybody like mutton?

Mm. Mutton!

Hope you didn't cut the fat off.

Yeah, are you Bobby?

Yes.

Well, I heard that you have a very special birthday card

with all the Yankee autographs on it.

with all the Yankee autographs on it.

I sure do, mister.

Oh, boy. Yeah, that's it.

Stubs sure went to town with this thing, huh?

Bobby, what if I told you that a very important person

at the New York Yankees needed this card back?

Oh, no.

I'd never part with this card for anything in the world.

Well, uh, Bobby, uh...

Who's your favorite Yankee?

Paul O'Neill.

What if I get Paul O'Neill to hit a home run tomorrow

just for you?

Really?

Paul O'Neill would do that?

For you, he would.

For you, he would.

Could he hit two home runs?

Two?

Sure, kid, but then you got to promise

you'll do something for me.

I know.

Get out of this bed one day and walk again.

That would be nice, but I really just need the card.

What about this candelabra?

That was Grandma Mema's also.

She bought it on her trip to Europe in 1926.

Jerry, I'm thrilled you like my mutton.

I was afraid you only ate salad.

Hey, salad's got nuttin' on this mutton.

Hey, salad's got nuttin' on this mutton.

That is so funny. Did you just make that up?

I wish I could take credit for it.

It's a line my butcher uses when we're chewing the fat.

How about that beautiful desk over there?

That was in Mema's study.

ELAINE: I love that desk.

What'd you do, ransack the place after she died?

This is some fine mutton.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm getting out of here.

Can I borrow your jacket? Um...

The thing is-- It's cold out, okay?

I didn't bring my own.

Yeah. Jerry.

Jerry!

God forbid I should borrow one from Holly.

It might have belonged to Grandma Mema.

Thanks for mutton.

[DOGS BARKING, GROWLING]

Down, boy.

Nice doggy.

I'm a nice person.

Don't believe what you hear.

I love dogs.

I really do.

I really do.

Where are the napkins?

What?

Grandma Mema's napkins.

Two are missing.

Elaine took them, didn't she?

I don't know about that.

Have you got any floss?

You heard her. She coveted them.

She took them just to spite me.

She's probably having a good laugh about it right now.

Oh!

Down, doggy!

[WAILING]

[SCREAMS]

Elaine, what are you doing in this neighborhood?

Did you hide the dogs?

They're in the kitchen.

[DOGS BARKING]

It's okay.

Quiet!

What's going on? Oh, God.

These dogs were chasing me. No cabs would stop.

I had to get off the street

and I remembered that you lived here.

Why were dogs chasing you?

They just don't like me.

It's a long story.

I can tell you someday, but not right now.

I'd ask you to stay tonight, but I only have the sofa bed,

and it's where I sleep.

and it's where I sleep.

We'll have to sleep head-to-toe.

Head-to-toe?

Head-to-toe.

Hey.

Hey.

Wake up.

It's 8:30!

You were supposed to wake me up at 7:15.

I'm sorry. I didn't get any sleep.

You kept kicking me in the face.

You're a wake-up guy. Don't you have calls to make?

I'll make 'em later.

Ah.

[SNORING]

WILHELM: Have you seen Morgan?

He's not here? No, he's late again.

I got him a wake-up service.

Don't cover for him anymore.

Don't cover for him anymore.

He'll be gone soon,

and I'm gonna recommend you for his job.

Gone?

JERRY: Sounds like all that winking got you a promotion.

I don't want Morgan's job. He's got a lot of work to do.

Elaine, your friend never woke up Mr. Morgan.

He was tired. He had some feet in his face.

My cousin Holly is completely insane.

She keeps calling and accusing me of stealing her napkins.

Napkins?

I mean, why?

Why would I take her stupid napkins?

Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.

Because they were in the pockets of my jacket.

They were? Yes.

I was using them to spit out the mutton.

You spit it out--

I had dogs chasing me for that.

I was almost mauled because of that mutton!

What exactly is mutton?

I don't know and I didn't want to find out.

So where is my jacket?

Oh. I must've left it at James'.

Spent the night at James', did we?

Yeah, but we reversed positions, so there was no funny business.

Yeah, but we reversed positions, so there was no funny business.

Reversed positions?

Yeah. Head-to-toe.

So what? Your genitals are still lined up.

No, because I slept with my back to him.

Mr. O'Neill? Yeah.

Look, you don't know me...

I can give you an autograph, but my pen's screwed up.

You'll probably only get, like, half a P or something.

You'll probably only get, like, half a P or something.

It's not that.

It's about a little boy in the hospital.

I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits?

I can help you there.

I promised him you would hit him two home runs today.

You know...a couple of dingers.

You promised a kid in the hospital

I'd hit two home runs?

Yeah. What, no good?

It's terrible.

You don't hit home runs like that.

It's hard. And where did you get two from?

Well, two is better than one.

That's ridiculous. I'm not a home-run hitter.

Babe Ruth did it.

He did not.

You're saying Babe Ruth was a liar?

You're saying Babe Ruth was a liar?

No, but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two.

Maybe I did overextend myself.

How the heck did you get in here?

Oh, hi, Elaine.

I lost all my 6:30 clients because of you.

Why did you have to stick your feet in my face?

Yes, I have the jacket. Hold on.

Fellas.

What you got there?

ANNOUNCER: The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon.

ANNOUNCER: The Yankees take the field on a beautiful afternoon.

It's hot in here.

Hey, Bobby, can I have some of your juice?

After Paul O'Neill hits his first home run.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah.

It's Holly. Come on up.

[ON TV] And the two-and-one pitch to O'Neill...

Whoa!

Towering shot to deep right field...

and it's gone!

Yeah!

Yeah!

A home run for Paul O'Neill. The Yanks lead 1-nothing.

Oh, yeah! All right!

Yeah.

One more to go!

Hey. What's all this?

I decided I'm gonna make you dinner.

I thought we were going out?

After you scarfed up my mutton, I had the irresistible urge

to make pork chops for you.

I said hello to Franco for you.

Franco?

Your butcher down the street.

Your butcher down the street.

Oh.

I bet he acted all aloof like he didn't know me.

A little.

That is so Franco.

ANNOUNCER: Bottom of the eighth, score tied at 1 apiece.

Two-and-one to Paul O'Neill.

Bobby, it's very hard to hit two home runs in one game.

Even for Paul O'Neill.

He can do it, Mr. Kramer.

I know he can.

He'll do it for me.

[BAT HITS BALL]

A long fly ball into deep left field,

and it drops just over Belle's head.

and it drops just over Belle's head.

O'Neill's rounding second,

the ball rolling back to the wall,

O'Neill heading for third...

All right. Come on!

O'Neill rounds third and is being waved in.

Yeah, go! Go!

And Martinez throws it over Alomar's head,

O'Neill is safe at home.

The Yankees take the lead.

Oh! Inside-the-park home run!

He did it! He did it!

All right! I guess I'll be on my way.

That's being scored a triple for Paul O'Neill,

with a throwing error charged to Martinez.

with a throwing error charged to Martinez.

Hey.

That's not a home run.

Well, maybe not technically, but--

You said he could hit two home runs.

Come on, Bobby. Bobby, that's just as good!

You're not taking that card!

Bobby, we had a deal.

Come on, give me that.

So...

is the chop the way you like it?

I usually like mine with an angioplasty.

Something really stinks to high-- Holly.

What are you doing here?

What everyone does here:

Cooking pork chops.

Listen, I'm--

I'm meeting James here.

He's bringing over your jacket.

What about the napkins?

Oh, God. I didn't take your napkins.

Then who did?

Ask Jerry.

We could argue all night over who took the napkins,

but in today's modern world, it just doesn't seem relevant.

I still want to know what happened to that birthday card.

I still want to know what happened to that birthday card.

Morgan, did you ever sign it?

No, sir, George never gave it to me.

That's right, I didn't.

I take full responsibility for the card not being here. I--

Hey, I got it.

What's this?

Oh, it's a birthday card.

George, by the way, tomorrow night,

Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

George, this is beautiful!

Why didn't you tell me

you were gonna have it mounted like this?

You were probably just gonna stick it in an envelope.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

[LAUGHING]

George, keep up the good work.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Well, you screwed me again, Costanza.

How am I supposed to sign the card now?

It's already under glass.

Hi, James.

Oh, this is, um, Holly--

Excuse me. What are those dogs wearing?

Oh, bandannas.

Aren't they cute?

You gave Mema's napkins to some dogs?

What happened to my jacket?

The dogs did that, but it wasn't their fault.

The dogs did that, but it wasn't their fault.

Somebody stuffed some strange meat in the pockets.

Was it mutton?

Could have been.

You always stuff meat in your pockets?

Uh...

sometimes I use the sofa.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, George, please, come in. Thanks for the card.

I loved it. It made me feel good.

Word has it you were the brains behind the whole thing.

Not just me. The whole organization.

Especially Mr. Morgan.

Morgan. Morgan.

His name is conspicuously absent from this card.

Like he went out of his way not to sign it.

No, Morgan is a good man, sir.

Stop kowtowing to Morgan.

Congratulations. You've got his job.

Well, thank you, sir.

I'm not quite sure I'm right for it.

It's done, George. He's out, you're in.

A lot more work, you know. I know.

A lot more work, you know. I know.

A lot more responsibility. I know.

Long, long hours. I know.

Not much more money.

But you'll finally get the recognition you deserve.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Mr. Steinbrenner, if I--

Painful as it is, I've had to let a few people go

over the years.

Yogi Berra, Lou Piniella, Bucky Dent, Billy Martin,

Dallas Green, Dick Hauser, Bill Virdon, Billy Martin,

Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin,

Stump Merrill, Billy Martin, Bob Lemon, Billy Martin,

Gene Michael, Buck Showalter-- Uh, George!

You didn't hear that from me.

George?