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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,933 --> 00:00:03,533 The life expectancy now is, uh, 2 00:00:03,566 --> 00:00:05,133 72, I think, for men. 3 00:00:05,166 --> 00:00:07,233 Seventy-five or six or something for women. 4 00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:09,900 It's amazing to think that just a couple thousand years ago, 5 00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,900 life expectancy was 30. 6 00:00:11,933 --> 00:00:13,566 Which, in our terms, would mean 7 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,400 that you'd get your driver's license around 5, 8 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,333 you'd marry at 9, divorced at 15. 9 00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,466 In your late teens, you move down to Florida. 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,800 I guess that's how spring break got started, I don't know. 11 00:00:25,833 --> 00:00:27,400 Then, eventually, people are saying things about you 12 00:00:27,433 --> 00:00:28,900 like, "Well, it's amazing. 13 00:00:28,933 --> 00:00:30,000 "He's 28, but he's still very alert. 14 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:30,733 "He's 28, but he's still very alert. 15 00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:32,466 "His mind is so sharp, 16 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,433 you would think you're talking to a 2-year-old." 17 00:00:39,666 --> 00:00:41,466 Aw, what's the point? 18 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,833 [SIGHS] 19 00:00:42,866 --> 00:00:45,300 When I like them, they don't like me. 20 00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,700 When they like me, I don't like them. 21 00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:50,700 Why can't I act with the ones I like 22 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:52,733 the way I do with the ones I don't like? 23 00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:55,500 Well, you've only got another 50 years or so to go, 24 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,366 and it'll all be over. 25 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:03,400 Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English. 26 00:01:03,433 --> 00:01:05,833 Yeah. How about a mute? 27 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:05,911 A mute would be good. 28 00:01:05,911 --> 00:01:08,833 A mute would be good. 29 00:01:08,866 --> 00:01:11,500 Ah, where are you gonna meet a mute? 30 00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:13,333 This is what my life has come to, 31 00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,733 trying to meet a mute. 32 00:01:15,766 --> 00:01:18,733 I don't know, Jerry. Something's missing. 33 00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:22,466 There's a void, Jerry. There's a void. 34 00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,500 A deep, yawning chasm. 35 00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:28,000 There's got to be more to life than this. 36 00:01:28,033 --> 00:01:30,100 What gives you pleasure? 37 00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:33,233 Listening to you. 38 00:01:33,266 --> 00:01:35,911 I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. 39 00:01:35,911 --> 00:01:36,566 I listen to this for 15 minutes, I'm on top of the world. 40 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,833 Your misery is my pleasure. 41 00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:39,833 Hey, boys. 42 00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,366 Hey, how you doing? 43 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,400 Good. Okay. Well, it's all set. 44 00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:44,733 I start tomorrow. 45 00:01:44,766 --> 00:01:46,300 Start what? 46 00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:47,900 I signed up to do volunteer work 47 00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:49,566 with senior citizens. 48 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,033 Really? ELAINE: Yeah. 49 00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:53,133 God, I can't tell you how I feel. 50 00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:55,300 I mean, I feel so good! 51 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:56,966 I really feel good! 52 00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,066 The strange thing is, 53 00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,966 I mean, I haven't even met the woman yet. 54 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,466 Volunteer work, huh? 55 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,900 What are you gonna do down there? 56 00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:04,233 Well, they say all it is, 57 00:02:04,266 --> 00:02:05,733 is you go over to their apartment, 58 00:02:05,766 --> 00:02:05,911 and, I don't know, you take them out for a walk, 59 00:02:05,911 --> 00:02:08,033 and, I don't know, you take them out for a walk, 60 00:02:08,066 --> 00:02:09,366 you get a cup of coffee, 61 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,133 and it's supposed to make them feel good. 62 00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,766 That's what I do with him. 63 00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:17,200 When did you get this idea? 64 00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:19,400 Last time I had lunch with you here. 65 00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:21,666 You were going on and on and on 66 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,066 about how you wanted to meet somebody 67 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,433 who didn't speak English. 68 00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:28,733 What, you break it in with her, then you try it out on me? 69 00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:29,733 All right. 70 00:02:29,766 --> 00:02:32,300 A-a-and anybody could do this? 71 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:33,466 Yeah. 72 00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,533 Really? 73 00:02:34,566 --> 00:02:35,911 Helping people. 74 00:02:35,911 --> 00:02:37,200 Helping people. 75 00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:39,733 Of course. 76 00:02:39,766 --> 00:02:41,233 Of course! 77 00:02:41,266 --> 00:02:43,033 It makes perfect sense. 78 00:02:43,066 --> 00:02:46,033 How could I not be doing this? 79 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:49,000 I am gonna help somebody, damn it! 80 00:02:49,033 --> 00:02:51,000 What about you? Nah, it's not for me. 81 00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,400 Jerry, if anybody should be doing this, it's you. 82 00:02:53,433 --> 00:02:56,400 What kind of a person are you? 83 00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,900 I think I'm pretty much like you... 84 00:02:58,933 --> 00:03:01,433 only successful. 85 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,733 This is a wonderful thing you're doing. 86 00:03:08,766 --> 00:03:09,900 They're so grateful 87 00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:11,333 just to have someone to talk to. 88 00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:13,500 And I can tell you that everyone who participates 89 00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:15,966 finds the experience extremely rewarding. 90 00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,566 Well, I feel better already. 91 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,333 I-- I'm feeling like a good person. 92 00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,733 Good luck. 93 00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:22,900 Thank you. 94 00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:25,466 Thank you. 95 00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,966 Hey, what's your guy's name again? 96 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,633 Fields, Sidney Fields, 97 00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:31,900 87 years old. 98 00:03:31,933 --> 00:03:33,166 Wow, 87. Hmm. Yeah. 99 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,200 How about your guy? 100 00:03:34,233 --> 00:03:35,911 Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85. 101 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:36,900 Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85. 102 00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,233 Hmm! Huh? 103 00:03:38,266 --> 00:03:40,000 You think we'll make it to that age? 104 00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:41,733 "We"? No. 105 00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,433 Hey. Hey. 106 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,866 So, what's up, diggety-dog? 107 00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,400 George and I just signed up 108 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,466 with the senior citizens volunteer agency. 109 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:56,633 Same thing Elaine's doing. 110 00:03:56,666 --> 00:03:58,166 Oh, that's too bad. 111 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,000 Now, don't say I didn't try to warn you. 112 00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,133 What are you talking about? 113 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:04,833 Oh, Jerry, I'm surprised at you! 114 00:04:04,866 --> 00:04:05,911 What? It's a con! 115 00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:06,866 What? It's a con! 116 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,533 These agencies are usually a front 117 00:04:08,566 --> 00:04:11,066 for some money-laundering scheme, 118 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,566 or they're bunco artists 119 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,800 bilking people out of their life savings. 120 00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,566 Oh, yeah. 121 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,133 Where do you get this? 122 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:20,233 The alternative media, Jerry. 123 00:04:20,266 --> 00:04:21,900 That's where you hear the truth. 124 00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:22,900 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 125 00:04:22,933 --> 00:04:23,900 NEWMAN: Kramer? 126 00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:24,900 Huh? 127 00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,900 Kramer? Kramer! 128 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,400 Where are you? Kramer! Kramer! 129 00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:31,333 Come on. I'm in here. 130 00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,733 Come on. 131 00:04:32,766 --> 00:04:33,800 There you are. 132 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:34,833 Yeah. 133 00:04:34,866 --> 00:04:35,911 [FLATLY] Hello, Newman. 134 00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:37,500 [FLATLY] Hello, Newman. 135 00:04:38,766 --> 00:04:40,900 Jerry. George. 136 00:04:40,933 --> 00:04:43,033 So did you ask him about the records? 137 00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:45,066 What records? Uh, well, uh... 138 00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,733 Newman and I are going partners, 139 00:04:46,766 --> 00:04:49,166 selling used records. 140 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,833 Yoo! Yoo! Yoo! Yoo! 141 00:04:50,866 --> 00:04:52,766 Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! 142 00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:57,566 You know Ron's Records down on Bleecker? 143 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,966 They pay big cash for used records. 144 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,633 Yeah, so we thought if you had 145 00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,233 any of those big, you know, old-fashioned, 146 00:05:02,266 --> 00:05:04,233 useless records just, you know, lying around-- 147 00:05:04,266 --> 00:05:05,911 We'll take them off your hands, free of charge. 148 00:05:05,911 --> 00:05:06,566 We'll take them off your hands, free of charge. 149 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,566 Let me ask you something. 150 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,200 What do you do for a living, Newman? 151 00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:13,066 I'm a United States postal worker. 152 00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:15,066 Aren't those the guys that always go crazy 153 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,300 and come back with a gun 154 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:17,866 and shoot everybody? 155 00:05:18,733 --> 00:05:20,166 Sometimes. 156 00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:23,633 Why is that? 157 00:05:23,666 --> 00:05:26,066 Because the mail never stops. 158 00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,400 It just keeps coming and coming and coming. 159 00:05:28,433 --> 00:05:29,800 There's never a let-up! It's relentless. 160 00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:31,866 Every day, it piles up more and more and more! 161 00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:34,666 You gotta get it out! The more you get out, the more comes in! 162 00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:35,911 And then the bar-code reader breaks, 163 00:05:35,911 --> 00:05:36,233 And then the bar-code reader breaks, 164 00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:38,133 [GASPING] and it's Publisher's Clearing House day! 165 00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:39,566 All right, all right, all right! 166 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,566 Just take the records. They're in the bedroom. 167 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,733 Take them. Take anything you want. 168 00:05:42,766 --> 00:05:43,800 KRAMER: Yeah. Yeah. 169 00:05:43,833 --> 00:05:45,266 Whoo! Whoo! 170 00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:50,366 I'll give you five bucks. 171 00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:52,733 BOTH: Five bucks! 172 00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:53,900 Well, do you know how much 173 00:05:53,933 --> 00:05:54,900 those records are worth? 174 00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:57,333 Yeah, I do-- $5. 175 00:05:57,366 --> 00:05:59,333 Those records are worth more than $5! 176 00:05:59,366 --> 00:06:00,700 He's gypping us. 177 00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:01,833 You're gypping us! 178 00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:03,300 Well, what do you got here? 179 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,533 You know, you got Don Ho Live in Honolulu, 180 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:05,911 You got Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs. 181 00:06:05,911 --> 00:06:08,233 You got Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs. 182 00:06:08,266 --> 00:06:10,833 And you got Sergio Mendes. Now, come on! 183 00:06:10,866 --> 00:06:12,800 Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following. 184 00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,466 They follow him like a cult. 185 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,066 Yeah, he can't even walk down the street in South America. 186 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,733 Look, that's his problem, all right? 187 00:06:18,766 --> 00:06:20,533 Now, you don't like it, too bad. 188 00:06:20,566 --> 00:06:22,033 I don't like it. 189 00:06:22,066 --> 00:06:23,733 I don't like it. 190 00:06:23,766 --> 00:06:25,900 Well, then get the hell out of my store, all right? 191 00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:28,733 You bring me something decent, I'll give you some money. 192 00:06:28,766 --> 00:06:31,033 All right. We'll be back, Jack. 193 00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:32,966 All right. We'll be back... 194 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,266 Jack. 195 00:06:36,533 --> 00:06:38,766 [KNOCKS ON DOOR] 196 00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:44,133 Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me. 197 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,366 [SENEGALESE ACCENT] Agency? 198 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,833 Uh, yeah. Is this Sid Fields' residence? 199 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,033 Sid Fields. 200 00:06:49,066 --> 00:06:51,200 What the hell is it? 201 00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:52,200 Mr. Fields? 202 00:06:52,233 --> 00:06:53,400 What? 203 00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:55,300 Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld. The agency sent me. 204 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:56,400 The agency? 205 00:06:56,433 --> 00:07:00,500 What agency, the CIA? 206 00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:01,900 No, no, the, uh-- 207 00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:02,900 Who let you in here? 208 00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:04,533 Uh, the-- The woman-- 209 00:07:04,566 --> 00:07:05,533 Oh, her. 210 00:07:05,566 --> 00:07:05,911 She steals from me, 211 00:07:05,911 --> 00:07:07,133 She steals from me, 212 00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:08,733 steals my money. 213 00:07:08,766 --> 00:07:11,066 She said she doesn't speak English. 214 00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:13,233 My ass, she doesn't speak English. 215 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,866 Plays that freakin' voodoo music, 216 00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:20,400 tries to hypnotize me. 217 00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:22,800 She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie 218 00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,533 and then rob me blind. 219 00:07:24,566 --> 00:07:27,366 Well, I wasn't born yesterday. 220 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,666 I might drop dead today, 221 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:31,366 but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday. 222 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,600 Now, get the hell out of my house. 223 00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:35,833 But, Mr. Fields, 224 00:07:35,866 --> 00:07:35,911 I'm here to spend some time with you. 225 00:07:35,911 --> 00:07:37,666 I'm here to spend some time with you. 226 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,466 Oh, really? 227 00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,133 Are you the boyfriend? 228 00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:43,033 I know she's got a boyfriend. 229 00:07:43,066 --> 00:07:44,900 Are you gonna kill me? 230 00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:47,033 I'm an old man, for crying out loud! 231 00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:49,233 You gonna kill an old man, you coward? 232 00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:51,733 No, Mr. Fields, look, really. Here's my identifi-- 233 00:07:51,766 --> 00:07:55,033 I can't read that, you fool. 234 00:07:55,066 --> 00:07:56,166 What's all this stuff? 235 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,233 Trash, garbage. 236 00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:00,400 You're throwing this out? 237 00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:02,033 I believe that's what you do 238 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,366 with garbage, you idiot. 239 00:08:06,366 --> 00:08:08,400 You don't want any of this? 240 00:08:08,433 --> 00:08:09,566 Well, if I wanted it, 241 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,400 I wouldn't be throwing it away, 242 00:08:11,433 --> 00:08:14,566 would I, Einstein? 243 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,733 You know, I have some friends 244 00:08:15,766 --> 00:08:17,166 that would really love to have these. 245 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,200 Well, take it. 246 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:19,400 I sure as hell 247 00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,666 am not gonna give it to my family. 248 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,233 Well, uh, do you want to go out 249 00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:26,033 and go for a walk, get a cup of coffee? With you? 250 00:08:26,066 --> 00:08:29,000 I'd rather be dead. 251 00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:31,166 Well, maybe I'll get going, then. 252 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,800 I just remembered I've got an appointment 253 00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,066 to get my, uh... tonsils out. 254 00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:35,911 Good! Thank God! 255 00:08:35,911 --> 00:08:37,066 Good! Thank God! 256 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,366 Good riddance. 257 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,633 Oh, listen. 258 00:08:39,666 --> 00:08:41,333 Uh, before you go, 259 00:08:41,366 --> 00:08:44,066 would you mind changing my diaper? 260 00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,700 [LAUGHS] 261 00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:53,333 Oh, I feel great for 85. 262 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,500 You know, 263 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,333 the average lifespan for an American male 264 00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:59,466 is, like, 72. 265 00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,466 You're really... 266 00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,200 kind of pushing the envelope there. 267 00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,066 I'm not afraid of dying. 268 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,400 I never think about it. 269 00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:11,166 You don't? 270 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,233 Boy, I think about it a lot... 271 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,233 I think about it at my age. 272 00:09:15,266 --> 00:09:16,633 Imagine how much 273 00:09:16,666 --> 00:09:18,333 I'll be thinking about it at your age. 274 00:09:18,366 --> 00:09:20,133 All I'll do is just keep thinking about it 275 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,400 till it drives me insane. 276 00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:24,066 I'm grateful for every moment I have. 277 00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,733 Grateful? 278 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:30,666 How can you be grateful when you're so close to the end?! 279 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,300 When you know that any second, poof, bammo, 280 00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,733 it could all be over! 281 00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:35,911 I mean, you're not stupid. 282 00:09:35,911 --> 00:09:36,133 I mean, you're not stupid. 283 00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:38,233 You can read the handwriting on the wall. 284 00:09:38,266 --> 00:09:39,866 It's a matter of simple arithmetic, 285 00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,200 for God's sake. 286 00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:44,033 I guess I just don't care. 287 00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:46,166 What are you talking about? 288 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,666 H-how can you sit there and look me in the eye 289 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:50,333 and tell me that you're not worried? 290 00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:53,400 Don't you have any sense?! Don't you have a brain?! 291 00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:55,066 Are you so completely senile 292 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,866 you don't even know what you're talking about anymore?! 293 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:57,900 What--? 294 00:09:57,933 --> 00:10:00,166 W-w-w-wait a second. Where are you going? 295 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,066 Life's too short to waste on you. 296 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,566 W-w-wait, please. 297 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,911 Get out of my way. 298 00:10:05,911 --> 00:10:06,466 Get out of my way. 299 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,066 But... 300 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,200 But, Mr. Cantwell, you... 301 00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,100 You owe me for the soup. 302 00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:25,300 Mrs. Oliver? 303 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,833 Yes, my dear. 304 00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,033 Oh! 305 00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:33,700 What's the trouble? 306 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,200 Are you all right? 307 00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:35,911 Yeah. 308 00:10:35,911 --> 00:10:36,200 Yeah. 309 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,966 Yeah. Yes. 310 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,800 Yeah. 311 00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,166 It's my goiter, isn't it? 312 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,033 Did you--? Did you say "goiter"? 313 00:10:46,066 --> 00:10:48,900 Wha--? What goiter? 314 00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:50,666 This football-shaped lump 315 00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:53,866 jutting out the side of my neck. 316 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,766 Oh. 317 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,200 That goiter. 318 00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:02,733 Hey... 319 00:11:02,766 --> 00:11:04,200 [CHUCKLES] 320 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,966 What do you know? 321 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,466 Does it bother you? 322 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,400 Bother me? Oh! 323 00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:15,966 Pfft. 324 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,966 Why would a little goiter like that bother me? 325 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,400 No, not a bit. 326 00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:22,000 It's nothing. It's nothing. 327 00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,966 It's, um-- in fact, It's, um-- It's very distinctive, 328 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,833 you know, um... 329 00:11:26,866 --> 00:11:29,533 I mean, you want to know something? I-- 330 00:11:29,566 --> 00:11:31,766 I wish I had one. 331 00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:35,700 Really. 332 00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:40,916 JERRY: Come on, Elaine. It's just a goiter. 333 00:11:40,949 --> 00:11:42,316 I don't know what I'm gonna do. 334 00:11:42,349 --> 00:11:45,416 I can't look the woman in the face. 335 00:11:45,449 --> 00:11:46,749 I mean, I keep thinking 336 00:11:46,783 --> 00:11:51,749 that goiter's gonna start talking to me. 337 00:11:51,783 --> 00:11:52,849 You'd think that they'd mention 338 00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:53,849 something like that 339 00:11:53,883 --> 00:11:55,049 before they sent you over there. 340 00:11:55,083 --> 00:11:56,049 "Oh, by the way, 341 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:59,616 this woman almost has a second head." 342 00:12:00,916 --> 00:12:04,183 But, no, no, I didn't get any goiter information. 343 00:12:04,216 --> 00:12:05,483 They really should mention that 344 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,322 in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter. 345 00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:09,016 in the breakdown: height, weight, goiter. 346 00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:10,649 You know, you try to do some good, 347 00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:12,049 you want to be a good person, 348 00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:14,249 but this is too much to ask. 349 00:12:14,283 --> 00:12:15,849 Yeah, well, I'll tell you, I'd rather talk 350 00:12:15,883 --> 00:12:17,249 to a goiter with a nice disposition 351 00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:19,283 than the nut they sent me to. 352 00:12:21,249 --> 00:12:23,149 Hey, Georgie, what happened with your guy? 353 00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:26,216 I don't think it's gonna work out. 354 00:12:26,249 --> 00:12:27,549 What do you mean? 355 00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:28,983 He fired me. 356 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:29,983 What? 357 00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,483 He fired you? 358 00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:35,316 How do you get fired from a volunteer job? 359 00:12:35,349 --> 00:12:36,749 I don't know. 360 00:12:36,783 --> 00:12:37,322 I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me. 361 00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:40,883 I was just talking to the man, and he walked out on me. 362 00:12:40,916 --> 00:12:42,249 Well, I don't know about you two, 363 00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:43,249 but I'm quitting. 364 00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:44,983 I hate my guy. 365 00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:48,083 He's a mean, mean guy. 366 00:12:48,116 --> 00:12:50,016 I wish I could quit. 367 00:12:50,049 --> 00:12:51,749 So quit. 368 00:12:51,783 --> 00:12:53,416 Yeah. I'm a great quitter. 369 00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:55,649 It's one of the few things I do well. 370 00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:58,249 I come from a long line of quitters. 371 00:12:58,283 --> 00:13:00,016 My father was a quitter. 372 00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:01,749 My grandfather was a quitter. 373 00:13:01,783 --> 00:13:05,083 I was raised to give up. 374 00:13:06,216 --> 00:13:07,183 Hey. 375 00:13:07,216 --> 00:13:07,322 Hey. 376 00:13:07,322 --> 00:13:08,183 Hey. 377 00:13:08,216 --> 00:13:09,683 Well, here's your albums. 378 00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:11,349 What happened? 379 00:13:11,383 --> 00:13:13,583 Five dollars. He offered us $5. 380 00:13:13,616 --> 00:13:15,683 I mean, what kind of stuff are you listening to? 381 00:13:15,716 --> 00:13:17,383 You embarrassed me at that store. 382 00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:20,416 That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. 383 00:13:20,449 --> 00:13:22,649 Oh, yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes. 384 00:13:22,683 --> 00:13:23,983 Hey, hey, hey. 385 00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:26,183 That guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America. 386 00:13:26,216 --> 00:13:27,749 Well, you should've seen the pile of albums 387 00:13:27,783 --> 00:13:29,416 this old guy I was visiting today 388 00:13:29,449 --> 00:13:30,583 was throwing away-- 389 00:13:30,616 --> 00:13:32,149 Sinatra, Duke Ellington, 390 00:13:32,183 --> 00:13:33,316 Al Jolson, Benny Goodman. 391 00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:35,416 Wait, wait, wait. Now, he's throwing them out? 392 00:13:35,449 --> 00:13:37,322 I asked if my friends could have them, and he said yeah. 393 00:13:37,322 --> 00:13:37,849 I asked if my friends could have them, and he said yeah. 394 00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,983 The old coot's sitting on a mountain of gold. Yeah. Shh. 395 00:13:41,016 --> 00:13:43,183 But you have to get them. I'm not carrying them all. 396 00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:44,183 But you're coming with us? 397 00:13:44,216 --> 00:13:45,316 Yeah. Yeah. 398 00:13:45,349 --> 00:13:46,516 Yeah, I'm going there tonight. 399 00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:47,916 You should see this housekeeper he's got. 400 00:13:47,949 --> 00:13:49,649 She's from Senegal. 401 00:13:49,683 --> 00:13:52,583 Wild, wild stuff. 402 00:13:52,616 --> 00:13:54,016 Senegal? 403 00:13:56,616 --> 00:13:59,016 So you don't speak any English at all? 404 00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:02,816 English? 405 00:14:02,849 --> 00:14:04,349 No. No. 406 00:14:04,383 --> 00:14:06,516 Hey, what are those bums doing back there? 407 00:14:06,549 --> 00:14:07,322 Well, you said they could come and take the records. 408 00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:08,749 Well, you said they could come and take the records. 409 00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:11,016 It's like watching a couple of hyenas 410 00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:13,216 going through the garbage. 411 00:14:13,249 --> 00:14:15,216 You don't speak any English? 412 00:14:15,249 --> 00:14:17,249 No English. 413 00:14:18,749 --> 00:14:21,816 I would like to dip my bald head in oil 414 00:14:21,849 --> 00:14:24,249 and rub it all over your body. 415 00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:29,149 You-- You don't understand. 416 00:14:29,183 --> 00:14:31,249 It's a miracle! 417 00:14:31,283 --> 00:14:32,483 You don't understand 418 00:14:32,516 --> 00:14:35,383 because you-- You don't speak English. 419 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,883 So, Mr. Fields, I just don't know-- 420 00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:37,322 Hey! I don't like what's going on around here. 421 00:14:37,322 --> 00:14:39,916 Hey! I don't like what's going on around here. 422 00:14:39,949 --> 00:14:41,883 I want all of you bums out of here. 423 00:14:41,916 --> 00:14:42,883 Now, calm down-- 424 00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,083 Don't tell me to calm down! 425 00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,716 Please, Mr. Fields-- Get your hands off me! 426 00:14:45,749 --> 00:14:46,816 Aw, cool it, pops. 427 00:14:46,849 --> 00:14:48,083 Why, you little-- 428 00:14:48,116 --> 00:14:49,183 Wait, wait, Mr. Fields. 429 00:14:49,216 --> 00:14:50,249 Mr. Fields... 430 00:14:50,283 --> 00:14:52,883 Ah! He's biting me! Ah! 431 00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:54,583 MR. FIELDS: My teeth! 432 00:14:54,616 --> 00:14:55,816 My teeth! 433 00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,716 Where's his teeth? Where's his teeth? 434 00:14:57,749 --> 00:14:59,316 I thought I saw something fly over here. 435 00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:00,983 Well, turn the light on. 436 00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:02,216 [GRINDING] 437 00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,149 That's the garbage disposal! 438 00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:05,983 [GRINDING STOPS] 439 00:15:06,016 --> 00:15:07,322 [RATTLING] 440 00:15:07,322 --> 00:15:07,416 [RATTLING] 441 00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:08,916 MR. FIELDS: My teeth! 442 00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:10,683 You idiots! 443 00:15:10,716 --> 00:15:12,483 Well, we'll take you to your dentist, Mr. Fields. 444 00:15:12,516 --> 00:15:13,583 Where is your dentist? 445 00:15:13,616 --> 00:15:15,416 Downtown! All right, George, 446 00:15:15,449 --> 00:15:16,716 Kramer, look after Mr. Fields. 447 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,549 I'll go get the cab. 448 00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:19,783 Bunch of morons. 449 00:15:22,216 --> 00:15:23,449 Get over. 450 00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,516 Wait a minute. Wait a minute! 451 00:15:26,549 --> 00:15:27,583 Where's the old man? 452 00:15:27,616 --> 00:15:29,383 I thought that George 453 00:15:29,416 --> 00:15:30,583 was keeping an eye on him. 454 00:15:30,616 --> 00:15:31,583 Me? I thought you were. 455 00:15:31,616 --> 00:15:33,383 All right. Come on. We lost the old man. 456 00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:34,749 Let's go. Get out of the car. 457 00:15:34,783 --> 00:15:36,216 Come on. We've got to find him. 458 00:15:36,249 --> 00:15:37,322 He can't have gotten far. 459 00:15:37,322 --> 00:15:38,716 He can't have gotten far. 460 00:15:38,749 --> 00:15:40,683 Come on. 461 00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:49,549 And we would take long automobile trips. 462 00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:53,516 Oh, well, that sounds like a lot of fun. 463 00:15:53,549 --> 00:15:55,516 Staring out the window. 464 00:15:55,549 --> 00:15:56,516 Uh-huh. 465 00:15:56,549 --> 00:16:00,649 You see a long view of rolling pastures. 466 00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,216 [YAWNS] 467 00:16:02,249 --> 00:16:06,083 Well, get you going, right there. 468 00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,322 Brahman cows... 469 00:16:07,322 --> 00:16:08,049 Brahman cows... 470 00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:09,883 Oh, cows. Oh, that's... 471 00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:10,883 That's when I... 472 00:16:10,916 --> 00:16:12,083 Fascinating. 473 00:16:12,116 --> 00:16:15,749 began my affair with Mohandas. 474 00:16:18,249 --> 00:16:19,349 What? 475 00:16:19,383 --> 00:16:21,283 Mohandas. 476 00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:24,916 Gandhi? 477 00:16:24,949 --> 00:16:27,216 Oh... 478 00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:29,383 The passion. 479 00:16:33,416 --> 00:16:36,349 The forbidden pleasure. 480 00:16:37,749 --> 00:16:42,383 You had an affair with Gandhi? 481 00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:46,349 He used to dip his bald head in oil... 482 00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:53,449 and rub it all over my body. 483 00:16:54,616 --> 00:16:56,783 Here. Look. 484 00:16:58,616 --> 00:17:00,849 Oh, my God. 485 00:17:00,883 --> 00:17:03,583 The Mahatma? 486 00:17:03,616 --> 00:17:06,683 KRAMER: We're supposed to be out there looking for the old man. 487 00:17:06,716 --> 00:17:07,322 NEWMAN: Oh, we will. We will. 488 00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:08,049 NEWMAN: Oh, we will. We will. 489 00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,749 Twenty bucks. 490 00:17:09,783 --> 00:17:11,349 Twenty bucks? 491 00:17:11,383 --> 00:17:13,083 Are you out of your mind? 492 00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,249 Well, take it or leave it. 493 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,416 Take it or leave it? 494 00:17:15,449 --> 00:17:17,516 We got Al Jolson here! Al Jolson! 495 00:17:17,549 --> 00:17:18,716 Al Jolson? 496 00:17:18,749 --> 00:17:20,583 What the hell do I care about Al Jolson? 497 00:17:20,616 --> 00:17:22,683 I'd just as soon hear you sing "Mammy." 498 00:17:23,883 --> 00:17:26,716 This guy is nothing but a piece of crap. 499 00:17:26,749 --> 00:17:29,583 You are nothing but a piece of crap. 500 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,916 What'd you call me? 501 00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:32,416 A piece of crap. 502 00:17:32,449 --> 00:17:33,916 A piece of crap. 503 00:17:33,949 --> 00:17:35,916 I find you extremely ugly. 504 00:17:35,949 --> 00:17:37,322 I find you extremely ugly. 505 00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:37,849 I find you extremely ugly. 506 00:17:37,883 --> 00:17:38,849 Do you? 507 00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,749 You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. 508 00:17:41,783 --> 00:17:45,916 You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. 509 00:17:45,949 --> 00:17:47,049 Oh, is that right? 510 00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:48,549 I loathe you. 511 00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:50,883 I loathe you. 512 00:17:50,916 --> 00:17:52,683 That's it! You get out of my store! 513 00:17:52,716 --> 00:17:53,683 Make us! 514 00:17:53,716 --> 00:17:54,749 Make us. M-m-make us. 515 00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,749 I'll make you! 516 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,749 Calm down. 517 00:17:56,783 --> 00:17:57,883 Wait a minute. Wait! Wait! 518 00:17:57,916 --> 00:17:58,949 [SCREAMING] 519 00:18:00,183 --> 00:18:02,149 Do you realize how irresponsible this is? 520 00:18:02,183 --> 00:18:03,749 Well-- Our agency's sole purpose 521 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,083 is to care for senior citizens, 522 00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:06,649 and in one fell swoop, 523 00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:07,322 you have single-handedly destroyed our reputation. 524 00:18:07,322 --> 00:18:08,583 you have single-handedly destroyed our reputation. 525 00:18:08,616 --> 00:18:09,583 [INTERCOM BUZZING] 526 00:18:09,616 --> 00:18:12,083 Yes, but... 527 00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:13,549 Uh, yes? 528 00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:17,316 It's Tim Fields, Mr. Fields' son. 529 00:18:17,349 --> 00:18:19,416 Uh, all right. Come on up. 530 00:18:19,449 --> 00:18:21,049 Oh, great... 531 00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:22,383 I-- I don't know what happened. 532 00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,383 we were just trying to take him to the dentist. 533 00:18:24,416 --> 00:18:26,483 Why were you taking him to the dentist? 534 00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:28,849 Uh, well, his false teeth got mangled up 535 00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:30,316 in the garbage disposal. 536 00:18:30,349 --> 00:18:32,816 What were his false teeth doing in the garbage disposal? 537 00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:34,049 Well, after he bit my friend-- 538 00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:35,249 Bit your friend?! 539 00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,322 What the hell is going on here? 540 00:18:37,322 --> 00:18:38,349 What the hell is going on here? 541 00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,749 How do you lose a human being? 542 00:18:40,783 --> 00:18:41,749 Well, I-- I am sorry-- 543 00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:43,149 And who were these other people? 544 00:18:43,183 --> 00:18:44,983 What were they doing in the apartment? 545 00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,116 Well, I brought them up there to take his records. 546 00:18:48,449 --> 00:18:50,083 Take his records? 547 00:18:50,116 --> 00:18:53,316 Do you realize how valuable that record collection is? 548 00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:55,516 There you are. Did you find him? 549 00:18:55,549 --> 00:18:57,649 Nah. Uh, you know, we took the old man's records 550 00:18:57,683 --> 00:18:59,549 over to Ron's, and he tried to screw us, 551 00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:00,916 and then we got into a fight. 552 00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,983 It was a real melee. 553 00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:04,916 Yeah, a real brouhaha. 554 00:19:04,949 --> 00:19:06,816 Then all the records broke. 555 00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:07,322 The records? 556 00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:08,216 The records? 557 00:19:08,249 --> 00:19:10,049 My father's records? 558 00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,749 Uh-- Did anybody try and call him? 559 00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:13,583 Yeah, I called, but there's no answer. 560 00:19:13,616 --> 00:19:15,016 Well, the line's busy now. 561 00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:18,049 The line's busy. He must be home. 562 00:19:20,283 --> 00:19:22,749 [WILD, EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING] 563 00:19:37,749 --> 00:19:39,383 W-w-we, uh... 564 00:19:39,416 --> 00:19:43,016 We-- We couldn't find him. 565 00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:48,483 What the hell's the point? 566 00:19:48,516 --> 00:19:51,216 When you like them, they don't like you, 567 00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,516 and when they like you, you don't like them. 568 00:19:53,549 --> 00:19:55,816 Oh, you don't know what you want. 569 00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:57,649 You should see a psychiatrist. 570 00:19:57,683 --> 00:19:59,549 Yeah, I got fixed up last week. 571 00:19:59,583 --> 00:20:02,549 Yeah. I never would get "fixed up." 572 00:20:02,583 --> 00:20:04,016 I go to pick her up, 573 00:20:04,049 --> 00:20:05,649 and she opens the door, 574 00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:07,322 and she's got this huge goiter 575 00:20:07,322 --> 00:20:07,983 and she's got this huge goiter 576 00:20:08,016 --> 00:20:10,516 growing out of the side of her neck. 577 00:20:10,549 --> 00:20:12,583 It looked like a football. 578 00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:15,349 Well, what did you do? 579 00:20:15,383 --> 00:20:17,316 Well, we get to talking, 580 00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,316 and as it turns out, 581 00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:21,149 the woman knew Gandhi. 582 00:20:21,183 --> 00:20:22,249 Huh. 583 00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:24,383 We talked for hours. 584 00:20:24,416 --> 00:20:26,749 Well, uh, are you gonna see her again? 585 00:20:26,783 --> 00:20:29,216 We were getting along real good, 586 00:20:29,249 --> 00:20:32,049 and then she made some tea. 587 00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:34,416 Put some milk in it without asking me. 588 00:20:34,449 --> 00:20:36,983 Now, that's a turnoff. 589 00:20:37,016 --> 00:20:37,322 Ah, you don't need that. 590 00:20:37,322 --> 00:20:38,883 Ah, you don't need that. 591 00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:41,984 To me, the thing about old people 592 00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:43,717 is that everything about them gets smaller. 593 00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:45,984 You know, their bodies get smaller. 594 00:20:46,017 --> 00:20:47,617 They move into smaller places. 595 00:20:47,650 --> 00:20:48,817 They sleep less time. 596 00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:49,984 They eat smaller meals. 597 00:20:50,017 --> 00:20:51,350 Except the car. 598 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,484 The older they get, the bigger their car gets. 599 00:20:53,517 --> 00:20:55,150 I've never understood that. 600 00:20:55,184 --> 00:20:57,550 And old people have a way of backing out of the driveway. 601 00:20:57,584 --> 00:20:58,617 You know what I mean? 602 00:20:58,650 --> 00:21:00,017 They don't turn from side to side. 603 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,817 They just go, "I'm old. I've been waiting a long time. 604 00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:04,317 I'm backing it out." 605 00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:05,984 You know? "I'm coming back. 606 00:21:06,017 --> 00:21:07,322 Watch out, buddy. I'm coming." You know? 607 00:21:07,322 --> 00:21:07,650 Watch out, buddy. I'm coming." You know? 608 00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:09,284 And you've got to watch out for them. 609 00:21:09,317 --> 00:21:10,817 And then, once they get out there, 610 00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:12,217 they drive so slowly, 611 00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:15,017 and I would think the less time you have in life, 612 00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:17,484 the faster you would want to go. You know? 613 00:21:17,517 --> 00:21:19,850 I think old people should be allowed to drive their age. 614 00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:21,950 If you're 80, do 80. 615 00:21:21,984 --> 00:21:23,650 If you're 100, go 100. 616 00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:25,384 They can't see where they're going anyway. 617 00:21:25,417 --> 00:21:27,517 Let them have a little fun out there. 41879

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