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1
00:00:01,933 --> 00:00:03,533
The life expectancy now
is, uh,
2
00:00:03,566 --> 00:00:05,133
72, I think, for men.
3
00:00:05,166 --> 00:00:07,233
Seventy-five or six
or something for women.
4
00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:09,900
It's amazing to think that just
a couple thousand years ago,
5
00:00:09,933 --> 00:00:11,900
life expectancy was 30.
6
00:00:11,933 --> 00:00:13,566
Which, in our terms, would mean
7
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,400
that you'd get
your driver's license around 5,
8
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,333
you'd marry at 9,
divorced at 15.
9
00:00:19,366 --> 00:00:22,466
In your late teens,
you move down to Florida.
10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:25,800
I guess that's how spring break
got started, I don't know.
11
00:00:25,833 --> 00:00:27,400
Then, eventually, people
are saying things about you
12
00:00:27,433 --> 00:00:28,900
like, "Well, it's amazing.
13
00:00:28,933 --> 00:00:30,000
"He's 28,
but he's still very alert.
14
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:30,733
"He's 28,
but he's still very alert.
15
00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:32,466
"His mind is so sharp,
16
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,433
you would think you're talking
to a 2-year-old."
17
00:00:39,666 --> 00:00:41,466
Aw, what's the point?
18
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,833
[SIGHS]
19
00:00:42,866 --> 00:00:45,300
When I like them,
they don't like me.
20
00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,700
When they like me,
I don't like them.
21
00:00:48,833 --> 00:00:50,700
Why can't I act
with the ones I like
22
00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:52,733
the way I do
with the ones I don't like?
23
00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:55,500
Well, you've only got
another 50 years or so to go,
24
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,366
and it'll all be over.
25
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:03,400
Maybe I need someone
who doesn't speak English.
26
00:01:03,433 --> 00:01:05,833
Yeah. How about a mute?
27
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:05,911
A mute would be good.
28
00:01:05,911 --> 00:01:08,833
A mute would be good.
29
00:01:08,866 --> 00:01:11,500
Ah, where are you
gonna meet a mute?
30
00:01:11,533 --> 00:01:13,333
This is what my life
has come to,
31
00:01:13,366 --> 00:01:15,733
trying to meet a mute.
32
00:01:15,766 --> 00:01:18,733
I don't know, Jerry.
Something's missing.
33
00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:22,466
There's a void, Jerry.
There's a void.
34
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:25,500
A deep, yawning chasm.
35
00:01:25,533 --> 00:01:28,000
There's got to be more to life
than this.
36
00:01:28,033 --> 00:01:30,100
What gives you pleasure?
37
00:01:31,433 --> 00:01:33,233
Listening to you.
38
00:01:33,266 --> 00:01:35,911
I listen to this for 15 minutes,
I'm on top of the world.
39
00:01:35,911 --> 00:01:36,566
I listen to this for 15 minutes,
I'm on top of the world.
40
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,833
Your misery is my pleasure.
41
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:39,833
Hey, boys.
42
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,366
Hey, how you doing?
43
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,400
Good. Okay.
Well, it's all set.
44
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:44,733
I start tomorrow.
45
00:01:44,766 --> 00:01:46,300
Start what?
46
00:01:46,333 --> 00:01:47,900
I signed up
to do volunteer work
47
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:49,566
with senior citizens.
48
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,033
Really?
ELAINE: Yeah.
49
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:53,133
God, I can't
tell you how I feel.
50
00:01:53,166 --> 00:01:55,300
I mean,
I feel so good!
51
00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:56,966
I really
feel good!
52
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:58,066
The strange thing is,
53
00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,966
I mean, I haven't even
met the woman yet.
54
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:01,466
Volunteer work, huh?
55
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:02,900
What are you gonna
do down there?
56
00:02:02,933 --> 00:02:04,233
Well, they say
all it is,
57
00:02:04,266 --> 00:02:05,733
is you go over
to their apartment,
58
00:02:05,766 --> 00:02:05,911
and, I don't know,
you take them out for a walk,
59
00:02:05,911 --> 00:02:08,033
and, I don't know,
you take them out for a walk,
60
00:02:08,066 --> 00:02:09,366
you get
a cup of coffee,
61
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,133
and it's supposed to
make them feel good.
62
00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,766
That's what I do
with him.
63
00:02:14,933 --> 00:02:17,200
When did you get this idea?
64
00:02:17,233 --> 00:02:19,400
Last time I had
lunch with you here.
65
00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:21,666
You were going on
and on and on
66
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,066
about how you wanted
to meet somebody
67
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,433
who didn't speak English.
68
00:02:25,933 --> 00:02:28,733
What, you break it in with her,
then you try it out on me?
69
00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:29,733
All right.
70
00:02:29,766 --> 00:02:32,300
A-a-and anybody could do this?
71
00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:33,466
Yeah.
72
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,533
Really?
73
00:02:34,566 --> 00:02:35,911
Helping people.
74
00:02:35,911 --> 00:02:37,200
Helping people.
75
00:02:37,233 --> 00:02:39,733
Of course.
76
00:02:39,766 --> 00:02:41,233
Of course!
77
00:02:41,266 --> 00:02:43,033
It makes perfect sense.
78
00:02:43,066 --> 00:02:46,033
How could I not be doing this?
79
00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:49,000
I am gonna help somebody,
damn it!
80
00:02:49,033 --> 00:02:51,000
What about you?
Nah, it's not for me.
81
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,400
Jerry, if anybody should be
doing this, it's you.
82
00:02:53,433 --> 00:02:56,400
What kind of a person are you?
83
00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,900
I think I'm pretty much
like you...
84
00:02:58,933 --> 00:03:01,433
only successful.
85
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,733
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing.
86
00:03:08,766 --> 00:03:09,900
They're so grateful
87
00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:11,333
just to have
someone to talk to.
88
00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:13,500
And I can tell you
that everyone who participates
89
00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:15,966
finds the experience
extremely rewarding.
90
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,566
Well, I feel better
already.
91
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,333
I-- I'm feeling
like a good person.
92
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:21,733
Good luck.
93
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:22,900
Thank you.
94
00:03:22,933 --> 00:03:25,466
Thank you.
95
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:27,966
Hey, what's
your guy's name again?
96
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,633
Fields, Sidney Fields,
97
00:03:29,666 --> 00:03:31,900
87 years old.
98
00:03:31,933 --> 00:03:33,166
Wow, 87. Hmm.
Yeah.
99
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,200
How about your guy?
100
00:03:34,233 --> 00:03:35,911
Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85.
101
00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:36,900
Uh, Ben Cantwell, 85.
102
00:03:36,933 --> 00:03:38,233
Hmm!
Huh?
103
00:03:38,266 --> 00:03:40,000
You think we'll make it
to that age?
104
00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:41,733
"We"? No.
105
00:03:44,566 --> 00:03:46,433
Hey.
Hey.
106
00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:51,866
So, what's up, diggety-dog?
107
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,400
George and I just signed up
108
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,466
with the senior citizens
volunteer agency.
109
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:56,633
Same thing Elaine's doing.
110
00:03:56,666 --> 00:03:58,166
Oh, that's too bad.
111
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,000
Now, don't say I didn't
try to warn you.
112
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,133
What are you talking about?
113
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:04,833
Oh, Jerry,
I'm surprised at you!
114
00:04:04,866 --> 00:04:05,911
What?
It's a con!
115
00:04:05,911 --> 00:04:06,866
What?
It's a con!
116
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,533
These agencies
are usually a front
117
00:04:08,566 --> 00:04:11,066
for some money-laundering
scheme,
118
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,566
or they're bunco artists
119
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,800
bilking people
out of their life savings.
120
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:16,566
Oh, yeah.
121
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,133
Where do you get this?
122
00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:20,233
The alternative
media, Jerry.
123
00:04:20,266 --> 00:04:21,900
That's where
you hear the truth.
124
00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:22,900
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
125
00:04:22,933 --> 00:04:23,900
NEWMAN: Kramer?
126
00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:24,900
Huh?
127
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,900
Kramer?
Kramer!
128
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,400
Where are you?
Kramer! Kramer!
129
00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:31,333
Come on.
I'm in here.
130
00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,733
Come on.
131
00:04:32,766 --> 00:04:33,800
There you are.
132
00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:34,833
Yeah.
133
00:04:34,866 --> 00:04:35,911
[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.
134
00:04:35,911 --> 00:04:37,500
[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.
135
00:04:38,766 --> 00:04:40,900
Jerry. George.
136
00:04:40,933 --> 00:04:43,033
So did you ask him
about the records?
137
00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:45,066
What records?
Uh, well, uh...
138
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,733
Newman and I
are going partners,
139
00:04:46,766 --> 00:04:49,166
selling used records.
140
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:50,833
Yoo! Yoo! Yoo! Yoo!
141
00:04:50,866 --> 00:04:52,766
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!
142
00:04:56,033 --> 00:04:57,566
You know Ron's Records
down on Bleecker?
143
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:58,966
They pay big cash
for used records.
144
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,633
Yeah, so we thought
if you had
145
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:02,233
any of those big,
you know, old-fashioned,
146
00:05:02,266 --> 00:05:04,233
useless records just,
you know, lying around--
147
00:05:04,266 --> 00:05:05,911
We'll take them
off your hands, free of charge.
148
00:05:05,911 --> 00:05:06,566
We'll take them
off your hands, free of charge.
149
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:07,566
Let me ask you something.
150
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,200
What do you do for a living,
Newman?
151
00:05:09,233 --> 00:05:13,066
I'm a United States
postal worker.
152
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:15,066
Aren't those the guys
that always go crazy
153
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,300
and come back
with a gun
154
00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:17,866
and shoot everybody?
155
00:05:18,733 --> 00:05:20,166
Sometimes.
156
00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:23,633
Why is that?
157
00:05:23,666 --> 00:05:26,066
Because the mail never stops.
158
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:28,400
It just keeps coming
and coming and coming.
159
00:05:28,433 --> 00:05:29,800
There's never a let-up!
It's relentless.
160
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:31,866
Every day, it piles up
more and more and more!
161
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:34,666
You gotta get it out! The more
you get out, the more comes in!
162
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:35,911
And then
the bar-code reader breaks,
163
00:05:35,911 --> 00:05:36,233
And then
the bar-code reader breaks,
164
00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:38,133
[GASPING]
and it's Publisher's
Clearing House day!
165
00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:39,566
All right,
all right, all right!
166
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,566
Just take the records.
They're in the bedroom.
167
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,733
Take them.
Take anything you want.
168
00:05:42,766 --> 00:05:43,800
KRAMER:
Yeah. Yeah.
169
00:05:43,833 --> 00:05:45,266
Whoo!
Whoo!
170
00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:50,366
I'll give you five bucks.
171
00:05:51,766 --> 00:05:52,733
BOTH:
Five bucks!
172
00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:53,900
Well, do you know
how much
173
00:05:53,933 --> 00:05:54,900
those records
are worth?
174
00:05:54,933 --> 00:05:57,333
Yeah, I do-- $5.
175
00:05:57,366 --> 00:05:59,333
Those records are worth
more than $5!
176
00:05:59,366 --> 00:06:00,700
He's gypping us.
177
00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:01,833
You're gypping us!
178
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:03,300
Well, what do you got here?
179
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:05,533
You know, you got
Don Ho Live in Honolulu,
180
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:05,911
You got Jerry ValeSings Italian Love Songs.
181
00:06:05,911 --> 00:06:08,233
You got Jerry ValeSings Italian Love Songs.
182
00:06:08,266 --> 00:06:10,833
And you got Sergio Mendes.
Now, come on!
183
00:06:10,866 --> 00:06:12,800
Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes
has a cult following.
184
00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,466
They follow him
like a cult.
185
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:17,066
Yeah, he can't even walk down
the street in South America.
186
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,733
Look, that's his problem,
all right?
187
00:06:18,766 --> 00:06:20,533
Now, you don't like it, too bad.
188
00:06:20,566 --> 00:06:22,033
I don't like it.
189
00:06:22,066 --> 00:06:23,733
I don't like it.
190
00:06:23,766 --> 00:06:25,900
Well, then get the hell
out of my store, all right?
191
00:06:25,933 --> 00:06:28,733
You bring me something decent,
I'll give you some money.
192
00:06:28,766 --> 00:06:31,033
All right.
We'll be back, Jack.
193
00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:32,966
All right.
We'll be back...
194
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,266
Jack.
195
00:06:36,533 --> 00:06:38,766
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
196
00:06:41,433 --> 00:06:44,133
Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.
197
00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,366
[SENEGALESE ACCENT]
Agency?
198
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,833
Uh, yeah.
Is this Sid Fields' residence?
199
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,033
Sid Fields.
200
00:06:49,066 --> 00:06:51,200
What the hell is it?
201
00:06:51,233 --> 00:06:52,200
Mr. Fields?
202
00:06:52,233 --> 00:06:53,400
What?
203
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:55,300
Hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld.
The agency sent me.
204
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:56,400
The agency?
205
00:06:56,433 --> 00:07:00,500
What agency,
the CIA?
206
00:07:00,533 --> 00:07:01,900
No, no, the, uh--
207
00:07:01,933 --> 00:07:02,900
Who let you in here?
208
00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:04,533
Uh, the-- The woman--
209
00:07:04,566 --> 00:07:05,533
Oh, her.
210
00:07:05,566 --> 00:07:05,911
She steals from me,
211
00:07:05,911 --> 00:07:07,133
She steals from me,
212
00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:08,733
steals my money.
213
00:07:08,766 --> 00:07:11,066
She said
she doesn't speak English.
214
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:13,233
My ass,
she doesn't speak English.
215
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,866
Plays that freakin'
voodoo music,
216
00:07:16,900 --> 00:07:20,400
tries to hypnotize me.
217
00:07:20,433 --> 00:07:22,800
She thinks she's gonna turn me
into a zombie
218
00:07:22,833 --> 00:07:24,533
and then rob me blind.
219
00:07:24,566 --> 00:07:27,366
Well, I wasn't born yesterday.
220
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,666
I might drop dead today,
221
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:31,366
but I sure as hell
wasn't born yesterday.
222
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,600
Now, get the hell
out of my house.
223
00:07:34,700 --> 00:07:35,833
But, Mr. Fields,
224
00:07:35,866 --> 00:07:35,911
I'm here to spend
some time with you.
225
00:07:35,911 --> 00:07:37,666
I'm here to spend
some time with you.
226
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,466
Oh, really?
227
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,133
Are you the boyfriend?
228
00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:43,033
I know she's got a boyfriend.
229
00:07:43,066 --> 00:07:44,900
Are you gonna kill me?
230
00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:47,033
I'm an old man,
for crying out loud!
231
00:07:47,066 --> 00:07:49,233
You gonna kill an old man,
you coward?
232
00:07:49,266 --> 00:07:51,733
No, Mr. Fields, look, really.
Here's my identifi--
233
00:07:51,766 --> 00:07:55,033
I can't read that, you fool.
234
00:07:55,066 --> 00:07:56,166
What's
all this stuff?
235
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,233
Trash, garbage.
236
00:07:58,266 --> 00:08:00,400
You're throwing
this out?
237
00:08:00,433 --> 00:08:02,033
I believe
that's what you do
238
00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:04,366
with garbage,
you idiot.
239
00:08:06,366 --> 00:08:08,400
You don't want
any of this?
240
00:08:08,433 --> 00:08:09,566
Well, if I wanted it,
241
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,400
I wouldn't be
throwing it away,
242
00:08:11,433 --> 00:08:14,566
would I, Einstein?
243
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,733
You know, I have some friends
244
00:08:15,766 --> 00:08:17,166
that would really love
to have these.
245
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,200
Well, take it.
246
00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:19,400
I sure as hell
247
00:08:19,433 --> 00:08:21,666
am not gonna give it
to my family.
248
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,233
Well, uh,
do you want to go out
249
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:26,033
and go for a walk, get
a cup of coffee?
With you?
250
00:08:26,066 --> 00:08:29,000
I'd rather be dead.
251
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:31,166
Well, maybe I'll get going,
then.
252
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,800
I just remembered
I've got an appointment
253
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:35,066
to get my, uh...
tonsils out.
254
00:08:35,100 --> 00:08:35,911
Good! Thank God!
255
00:08:35,911 --> 00:08:37,066
Good! Thank God!
256
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,366
Good riddance.
257
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,633
Oh, listen.
258
00:08:39,666 --> 00:08:41,333
Uh, before you go,
259
00:08:41,366 --> 00:08:44,066
would you mind
changing my diaper?
260
00:08:44,100 --> 00:08:46,700
[LAUGHS]
261
00:08:50,266 --> 00:08:53,333
Oh, I feel great for 85.
262
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,500
You know,
263
00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:56,333
the average lifespan
for an American male
264
00:08:56,366 --> 00:08:59,466
is, like, 72.
265
00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,466
You're really...
266
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:03,200
kind of pushing the envelope
there.
267
00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,066
I'm not afraid of dying.
268
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,400
I never think about it.
269
00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:11,166
You don't?
270
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,233
Boy, I think about it a lot...
271
00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,233
I think about it at my age.
272
00:09:15,266 --> 00:09:16,633
Imagine how much
273
00:09:16,666 --> 00:09:18,333
I'll be thinking
about it at your age.
274
00:09:18,366 --> 00:09:20,133
All I'll do is just
keep thinking about it
275
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:21,400
till it drives me
insane.
276
00:09:21,433 --> 00:09:24,066
I'm grateful
for every moment I have.
277
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,733
Grateful?
278
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:30,666
How can you be grateful when
you're so close to the end?!
279
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,300
When you know that any second,
poof, bammo,
280
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,733
it could all be over!
281
00:09:34,766 --> 00:09:35,911
I mean,
you're not stupid.
282
00:09:35,911 --> 00:09:36,133
I mean,
you're not stupid.
283
00:09:36,166 --> 00:09:38,233
You can read
the handwriting on the wall.
284
00:09:38,266 --> 00:09:39,866
It's a matter of
simple arithmetic,
285
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:41,200
for God's sake.
286
00:09:41,233 --> 00:09:44,033
I guess I just don't care.
287
00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:46,166
What are you talking about?
288
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,666
H-how can you sit there
and look me in the eye
289
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:50,333
and tell me
that you're not worried?
290
00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:53,400
Don't you have any sense?!
Don't you have a brain?!
291
00:09:53,433 --> 00:09:55,066
Are you so completely senile
292
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:56,866
you don't even know what
you're talking about anymore?!
293
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:57,900
What--?
294
00:09:57,933 --> 00:10:00,166
W-w-w-wait a second.
Where are you going?
295
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,066
Life's too short
to waste on you.
296
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,566
W-w-wait, please.
297
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:05,911
Get out of my way.
298
00:10:05,911 --> 00:10:06,466
Get out of my way.
299
00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:08,066
But...
300
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:10,200
But, Mr. Cantwell, you...
301
00:10:10,233 --> 00:10:12,100
You owe me for the soup.
302
00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:25,300
Mrs. Oliver?
303
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,833
Yes, my dear.
304
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,033
Oh!
305
00:10:32,266 --> 00:10:33,700
What's the trouble?
306
00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:35,200
Are you
all right?
307
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:35,911
Yeah.
308
00:10:35,911 --> 00:10:36,200
Yeah.
309
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,966
Yeah. Yes.
310
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,800
Yeah.
311
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,166
It's my goiter,
isn't it?
312
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,033
Did you--?
Did you say "goiter"?
313
00:10:46,066 --> 00:10:48,900
Wha--? What goiter?
314
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:50,666
This football-shaped lump
315
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:53,866
jutting out
the side of my neck.
316
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,766
Oh.
317
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,200
That goiter.
318
00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:02,733
Hey...
319
00:11:02,766 --> 00:11:04,200
[CHUCKLES]
320
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,966
What do you know?
321
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,466
Does it
bother you?
322
00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:14,400
Bother me? Oh!
323
00:11:14,433 --> 00:11:15,966
Pfft.
324
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,966
Why would a little goiter
like that bother me?
325
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,400
No, not a bit.
326
00:11:20,433 --> 00:11:22,000
It's nothing. It's nothing.
327
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:24,966
It's, um-- in fact, It's, um--
It's very distinctive,
328
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,833
you know, um...
329
00:11:26,866 --> 00:11:29,533
I mean, you want
to know something? I--
330
00:11:29,566 --> 00:11:31,766
I wish I had one.
331
00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:35,700
Really.
332
00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:40,916
JERRY:
Come on, Elaine.
It's just a goiter.
333
00:11:40,949 --> 00:11:42,316
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
334
00:11:42,349 --> 00:11:45,416
I can't look the woman
in the face.
335
00:11:45,449 --> 00:11:46,749
I mean, I keep thinking
336
00:11:46,783 --> 00:11:51,749
that goiter's gonna start
talking to me.
337
00:11:51,783 --> 00:11:52,849
You'd think
that they'd mention
338
00:11:52,883 --> 00:11:53,849
something like that
339
00:11:53,883 --> 00:11:55,049
before they sent you
over there.
340
00:11:55,083 --> 00:11:56,049
"Oh, by the way,
341
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:59,616
this woman almost has
a second head."
342
00:12:00,916 --> 00:12:04,183
But, no, no, I didn't get
any goiter information.
343
00:12:04,216 --> 00:12:05,483
They really should
mention that
344
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,322
in the breakdown:
height, weight, goiter.
345
00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:09,016
in the breakdown:
height, weight, goiter.
346
00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:10,649
You know, you try
to do some good,
347
00:12:10,683 --> 00:12:12,049
you want to be
a good person,
348
00:12:12,083 --> 00:12:14,249
but this is too much
to ask.
349
00:12:14,283 --> 00:12:15,849
Yeah, well, I'll tell you,
I'd rather talk
350
00:12:15,883 --> 00:12:17,249
to a goiter
with a nice disposition
351
00:12:17,283 --> 00:12:19,283
than the nut
they sent me to.
352
00:12:21,249 --> 00:12:23,149
Hey, Georgie,
what happened with your guy?
353
00:12:23,183 --> 00:12:26,216
I don't think
it's gonna work out.
354
00:12:26,249 --> 00:12:27,549
What do you mean?
355
00:12:27,583 --> 00:12:28,983
He fired me.
356
00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:29,983
What?
357
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,483
He fired you?
358
00:12:31,516 --> 00:12:35,316
How do you get fired
from a volunteer job?
359
00:12:35,349 --> 00:12:36,749
I don't know.
360
00:12:36,783 --> 00:12:37,322
I was just talking to the man,
and he walked out on me.
361
00:12:37,322 --> 00:12:40,883
I was just talking to the man,
and he walked out on me.
362
00:12:40,916 --> 00:12:42,249
Well, I don't know
about you two,
363
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:43,249
but I'm quitting.
364
00:12:43,283 --> 00:12:44,983
I hate my guy.
365
00:12:45,016 --> 00:12:48,083
He's a mean,
mean guy.
366
00:12:48,116 --> 00:12:50,016
I wish I could quit.
367
00:12:50,049 --> 00:12:51,749
So quit.
368
00:12:51,783 --> 00:12:53,416
Yeah. I'm a great quitter.
369
00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:55,649
It's one of the few things
I do well.
370
00:12:55,683 --> 00:12:58,249
I come from a long line
of quitters.
371
00:12:58,283 --> 00:13:00,016
My father was a quitter.
372
00:13:00,049 --> 00:13:01,749
My grandfather was a quitter.
373
00:13:01,783 --> 00:13:05,083
I was raised to give up.
374
00:13:06,216 --> 00:13:07,183
Hey.
375
00:13:07,216 --> 00:13:07,322
Hey.
376
00:13:07,322 --> 00:13:08,183
Hey.
377
00:13:08,216 --> 00:13:09,683
Well, here's your albums.
378
00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:11,349
What happened?
379
00:13:11,383 --> 00:13:13,583
Five dollars.
He offered us $5.
380
00:13:13,616 --> 00:13:15,683
I mean, what kind of stuff
are you listening to?
381
00:13:15,716 --> 00:13:17,383
You embarrassed me
at that store.
382
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:20,416
That guy thought we were
a couple of total squares.
383
00:13:20,449 --> 00:13:22,649
Oh, yeah, you
and your Sergio Mendes.
384
00:13:22,683 --> 00:13:23,983
Hey, hey, hey.
385
00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:26,183
That guy can't even go to
the bathroom in South America.
386
00:13:26,216 --> 00:13:27,749
Well, you should've seen
the pile of albums
387
00:13:27,783 --> 00:13:29,416
this old guy
I was visiting today
388
00:13:29,449 --> 00:13:30,583
was throwing away--
389
00:13:30,616 --> 00:13:32,149
Sinatra,
Duke Ellington,
390
00:13:32,183 --> 00:13:33,316
Al Jolson,
Benny Goodman.
391
00:13:33,349 --> 00:13:35,416
Wait, wait, wait. Now,
he's throwing them out?
392
00:13:35,449 --> 00:13:37,322
I asked if my friends could
have them, and he said yeah.
393
00:13:37,322 --> 00:13:37,849
I asked if my friends could
have them, and he said yeah.
394
00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:40,983
The old coot's sitting on
a mountain of gold.
Yeah. Shh.
395
00:13:41,016 --> 00:13:43,183
But you have to get them.
I'm not carrying them all.
396
00:13:43,216 --> 00:13:44,183
But you're coming
with us?
397
00:13:44,216 --> 00:13:45,316
Yeah.
Yeah.
398
00:13:45,349 --> 00:13:46,516
Yeah, I'm going there tonight.
399
00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:47,916
You should see
this housekeeper he's got.
400
00:13:47,949 --> 00:13:49,649
She's from Senegal.
401
00:13:49,683 --> 00:13:52,583
Wild, wild stuff.
402
00:13:52,616 --> 00:13:54,016
Senegal?
403
00:13:56,616 --> 00:13:59,016
So you don't speak
any English at all?
404
00:14:01,083 --> 00:14:02,816
English?
405
00:14:02,849 --> 00:14:04,349
No.
No.
406
00:14:04,383 --> 00:14:06,516
Hey, what are those bums
doing back there?
407
00:14:06,549 --> 00:14:07,322
Well, you said they could come
and take the records.
408
00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:08,749
Well, you said they could come
and take the records.
409
00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:11,016
It's like watching
a couple of hyenas
410
00:14:11,049 --> 00:14:13,216
going through the garbage.
411
00:14:13,249 --> 00:14:15,216
You don't speak
any English?
412
00:14:15,249 --> 00:14:17,249
No English.
413
00:14:18,749 --> 00:14:21,816
I would like to dip
my bald head in oil
414
00:14:21,849 --> 00:14:24,249
and rub it
all over your body.
415
00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:29,149
You-- You don't
understand.
416
00:14:29,183 --> 00:14:31,249
It's a miracle!
417
00:14:31,283 --> 00:14:32,483
You don't understand
418
00:14:32,516 --> 00:14:35,383
because you-- You
don't speak English.
419
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,883
So, Mr. Fields,
I just don't know--
420
00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:37,322
Hey! I don't like
what's going on around here.
421
00:14:37,322 --> 00:14:39,916
Hey! I don't like
what's going on around here.
422
00:14:39,949 --> 00:14:41,883
I want all of you bums
out of here.
423
00:14:41,916 --> 00:14:42,883
Now, calm down--
424
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,083
Don't tell me
to calm down!
425
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,716
Please, Mr. Fields--
Get your hands off me!
426
00:14:45,749 --> 00:14:46,816
Aw, cool it, pops.
427
00:14:46,849 --> 00:14:48,083
Why, you little--
428
00:14:48,116 --> 00:14:49,183
Wait, wait,
Mr. Fields.
429
00:14:49,216 --> 00:14:50,249
Mr. Fields...
430
00:14:50,283 --> 00:14:52,883
Ah! He's biting me! Ah!
431
00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:54,583
MR. FIELDS:
My teeth!
432
00:14:54,616 --> 00:14:55,816
My teeth!
433
00:14:55,849 --> 00:14:57,716
Where's his teeth?
Where's his teeth?
434
00:14:57,749 --> 00:14:59,316
I thought I saw
something fly over here.
435
00:14:59,349 --> 00:15:00,983
Well, turn
the light on.
436
00:15:01,016 --> 00:15:02,216
[GRINDING]
437
00:15:02,249 --> 00:15:04,149
That's the garbage
disposal!
438
00:15:04,183 --> 00:15:05,983
[GRINDING STOPS]
439
00:15:06,016 --> 00:15:07,322
[RATTLING]
440
00:15:07,322 --> 00:15:07,416
[RATTLING]
441
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:08,916
MR. FIELDS:
My teeth!
442
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:10,683
You idiots!
443
00:15:10,716 --> 00:15:12,483
Well, we'll take you
to your dentist, Mr. Fields.
444
00:15:12,516 --> 00:15:13,583
Where is your dentist?
445
00:15:13,616 --> 00:15:15,416
Downtown!
All right, George,
446
00:15:15,449 --> 00:15:16,716
Kramer, look after Mr. Fields.
447
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,549
I'll go get
the cab.
448
00:15:18,583 --> 00:15:19,783
Bunch of morons.
449
00:15:22,216 --> 00:15:23,449
Get over.
450
00:15:24,749 --> 00:15:26,516
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
451
00:15:26,549 --> 00:15:27,583
Where's the old man?
452
00:15:27,616 --> 00:15:29,383
I thought that George
453
00:15:29,416 --> 00:15:30,583
was keeping
an eye on him.
454
00:15:30,616 --> 00:15:31,583
Me? I thought
you were.
455
00:15:31,616 --> 00:15:33,383
All right. Come on.
We lost the old man.
456
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:34,749
Let's go.
Get out of the car.
457
00:15:34,783 --> 00:15:36,216
Come on.
We've got to find him.
458
00:15:36,249 --> 00:15:37,322
He can't
have gotten far.
459
00:15:37,322 --> 00:15:38,716
He can't
have gotten far.
460
00:15:38,749 --> 00:15:40,683
Come on.
461
00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:49,549
And we would take
long automobile trips.
462
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:53,516
Oh, well, that sounds
like a lot of fun.
463
00:15:53,549 --> 00:15:55,516
Staring
out the window.
464
00:15:55,549 --> 00:15:56,516
Uh-huh.
465
00:15:56,549 --> 00:16:00,649
You see a long view
of rolling pastures.
466
00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,216
[YAWNS]
467
00:16:02,249 --> 00:16:06,083
Well, get you going,
right there.
468
00:16:06,116 --> 00:16:07,322
Brahman cows...
469
00:16:07,322 --> 00:16:08,049
Brahman cows...
470
00:16:08,083 --> 00:16:09,883
Oh, cows.
Oh, that's...
471
00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:10,883
That's when I...
472
00:16:10,916 --> 00:16:12,083
Fascinating.
473
00:16:12,116 --> 00:16:15,749
began my affair
with Mohandas.
474
00:16:18,249 --> 00:16:19,349
What?
475
00:16:19,383 --> 00:16:21,283
Mohandas.
476
00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:24,916
Gandhi?
477
00:16:24,949 --> 00:16:27,216
Oh...
478
00:16:27,249 --> 00:16:29,383
The passion.
479
00:16:33,416 --> 00:16:36,349
The forbidden
pleasure.
480
00:16:37,749 --> 00:16:42,383
You had an affair
with Gandhi?
481
00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:46,349
He used to dip
his bald head in oil...
482
00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:53,449
and rub it
all over my body.
483
00:16:54,616 --> 00:16:56,783
Here. Look.
484
00:16:58,616 --> 00:17:00,849
Oh, my God.
485
00:17:00,883 --> 00:17:03,583
The Mahatma?
486
00:17:03,616 --> 00:17:06,683
KRAMER:
We're supposed to be out there
looking for the old man.
487
00:17:06,716 --> 00:17:07,322
NEWMAN:
Oh, we will. We will.
488
00:17:07,322 --> 00:17:08,049
NEWMAN:
Oh, we will. We will.
489
00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,749
Twenty bucks.
490
00:17:09,783 --> 00:17:11,349
Twenty bucks?
491
00:17:11,383 --> 00:17:13,083
Are you
out of your mind?
492
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:14,249
Well, take it or leave it.
493
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,416
Take it
or leave it?
494
00:17:15,449 --> 00:17:17,516
We got Al Jolson here!
Al Jolson!
495
00:17:17,549 --> 00:17:18,716
Al Jolson?
496
00:17:18,749 --> 00:17:20,583
What the hell
do I care about Al Jolson?
497
00:17:20,616 --> 00:17:22,683
I'd just as soon
hear you sing "Mammy."
498
00:17:23,883 --> 00:17:26,716
This guy is nothing
but a piece of crap.
499
00:17:26,749 --> 00:17:29,583
You are nothing
but a piece of crap.
500
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,916
What'd you call me?
501
00:17:30,949 --> 00:17:32,416
A piece of crap.
502
00:17:32,449 --> 00:17:33,916
A piece of crap.
503
00:17:33,949 --> 00:17:35,916
I find you
extremely ugly.
504
00:17:35,949 --> 00:17:37,322
I find you extremely ugly.
505
00:17:37,322 --> 00:17:37,849
I find you extremely ugly.
506
00:17:37,883 --> 00:17:38,849
Do you?
507
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:41,749
You emit a foul
and unpleasant odor.
508
00:17:41,783 --> 00:17:45,916
You emit a foul
and unpleasant odor.
509
00:17:45,949 --> 00:17:47,049
Oh, is that right?
510
00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:48,549
I loathe you.
511
00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:50,883
I loathe you.
512
00:17:50,916 --> 00:17:52,683
That's it!
You get out of my store!
513
00:17:52,716 --> 00:17:53,683
Make us!
514
00:17:53,716 --> 00:17:54,749
Make us. M-m-make us.
515
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,749
I'll make you!
516
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,749
Calm down.
517
00:17:56,783 --> 00:17:57,883
Wait a minute.
Wait! Wait!
518
00:17:57,916 --> 00:17:58,949
[SCREAMING]
519
00:18:00,183 --> 00:18:02,149
Do you realize how
irresponsible this is?
520
00:18:02,183 --> 00:18:03,749
Well--
Our agency's
sole purpose
521
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,083
is to care
for senior citizens,
522
00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:06,649
and in one fell swoop,
523
00:18:06,683 --> 00:18:07,322
you have single-handedly
destroyed our reputation.
524
00:18:07,322 --> 00:18:08,583
you have single-handedly
destroyed our reputation.
525
00:18:08,616 --> 00:18:09,583
[INTERCOM BUZZING]
526
00:18:09,616 --> 00:18:12,083
Yes, but...
527
00:18:12,116 --> 00:18:13,549
Uh, yes?
528
00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:17,316
It's Tim Fields,Mr. Fields' son.
529
00:18:17,349 --> 00:18:19,416
Uh, all right. Come on up.
530
00:18:19,449 --> 00:18:21,049
Oh, great...
531
00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:22,383
I-- I don't know
what happened.
532
00:18:22,416 --> 00:18:24,383
we were just trying to
take him to the dentist.
533
00:18:24,416 --> 00:18:26,483
Why were you taking him
to the dentist?
534
00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:28,849
Uh, well, his false teeth
got mangled up
535
00:18:28,883 --> 00:18:30,316
in the garbage disposal.
536
00:18:30,349 --> 00:18:32,816
What were his false teeth
doing in the garbage disposal?
537
00:18:32,849 --> 00:18:34,049
Well, after he bit my friend--
538
00:18:34,083 --> 00:18:35,249
Bit your friend?!
539
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:37,322
What the hell is going on here?
540
00:18:37,322 --> 00:18:38,349
What the hell is going on here?
541
00:18:38,383 --> 00:18:40,749
How do you lose a human being?
542
00:18:40,783 --> 00:18:41,749
Well, I-- I am sorry--
543
00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:43,149
And who were these other people?
544
00:18:43,183 --> 00:18:44,983
What were they doing
in the apartment?
545
00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,116
Well, I brought them up there
to take his records.
546
00:18:48,449 --> 00:18:50,083
Take his records?
547
00:18:50,116 --> 00:18:53,316
Do you realize how valuable
that record collection is?
548
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:55,516
There you are.
Did you find him?
549
00:18:55,549 --> 00:18:57,649
Nah. Uh, you know, we took
the old man's records
550
00:18:57,683 --> 00:18:59,549
over to Ron's,
and he tried to screw us,
551
00:18:59,583 --> 00:19:00,916
and then we got into a fight.
552
00:19:00,949 --> 00:19:02,983
It was
a real melee.
553
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:04,916
Yeah, a real brouhaha.
554
00:19:04,949 --> 00:19:06,816
Then all
the records broke.
555
00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:07,322
The records?
556
00:19:07,322 --> 00:19:08,216
The records?
557
00:19:08,249 --> 00:19:10,049
My father's records?
558
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,749
Uh--
Did anybody try and call him?
559
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:13,583
Yeah, I called,
but there's no answer.
560
00:19:13,616 --> 00:19:15,016
Well, the line's busy now.
561
00:19:15,049 --> 00:19:18,049
The line's busy.
He must be home.
562
00:19:20,283 --> 00:19:22,749
[WILD, EXOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
563
00:19:37,749 --> 00:19:39,383
W-w-we, uh...
564
00:19:39,416 --> 00:19:43,016
We-- We couldn't
find him.
565
00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:48,483
What the hell's
the point?
566
00:19:48,516 --> 00:19:51,216
When you like them,
they don't like you,
567
00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,516
and when they like you,
you don't like them.
568
00:19:53,549 --> 00:19:55,816
Oh, you don't know
what you want.
569
00:19:55,849 --> 00:19:57,649
You should see a psychiatrist.
570
00:19:57,683 --> 00:19:59,549
Yeah, I got fixed up last week.
571
00:19:59,583 --> 00:20:02,549
Yeah. I never would
get "fixed up."
572
00:20:02,583 --> 00:20:04,016
I go to pick her up,
573
00:20:04,049 --> 00:20:05,649
and she opens the door,
574
00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:07,322
and she's got this huge goiter
575
00:20:07,322 --> 00:20:07,983
and she's got this huge goiter
576
00:20:08,016 --> 00:20:10,516
growing out
of the side of her neck.
577
00:20:10,549 --> 00:20:12,583
It looked like a football.
578
00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:15,349
Well, what did you do?
579
00:20:15,383 --> 00:20:17,316
Well, we get
to talking,
580
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:19,316
and as it turns out,
581
00:20:19,349 --> 00:20:21,149
the woman knew Gandhi.
582
00:20:21,183 --> 00:20:22,249
Huh.
583
00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:24,383
We talked for hours.
584
00:20:24,416 --> 00:20:26,749
Well, uh, are you gonna
see her again?
585
00:20:26,783 --> 00:20:29,216
We were getting along real good,
586
00:20:29,249 --> 00:20:32,049
and then she made some tea.
587
00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:34,416
Put some milk in it
without asking me.
588
00:20:34,449 --> 00:20:36,983
Now, that's a turnoff.
589
00:20:37,016 --> 00:20:37,322
Ah, you don't need that.
590
00:20:37,322 --> 00:20:38,883
Ah, you don't need that.
591
00:20:40,217 --> 00:20:41,984
To me, the thing
about old people
592
00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:43,717
is that everything about them
gets smaller.
593
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:45,984
You know,
their bodies get smaller.
594
00:20:46,017 --> 00:20:47,617
They move into smaller places.
595
00:20:47,650 --> 00:20:48,817
They sleep less time.
596
00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:49,984
They eat smaller meals.
597
00:20:50,017 --> 00:20:51,350
Except the car.
598
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,484
The older they get,
the bigger their car gets.
599
00:20:53,517 --> 00:20:55,150
I've never understood that.
600
00:20:55,184 --> 00:20:57,550
And old people have a way
of backing out of the driveway.
601
00:20:57,584 --> 00:20:58,617
You know what I mean?
602
00:20:58,650 --> 00:21:00,017
They don't turn
from side to side.
603
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:02,817
They just go, "I'm old.
I've been waiting a long time.
604
00:21:02,850 --> 00:21:04,317
I'm backing it out."
605
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:05,984
You know? "I'm coming back.
606
00:21:06,017 --> 00:21:07,322
Watch out, buddy. I'm coming."
You know?
607
00:21:07,322 --> 00:21:07,650
Watch out, buddy. I'm coming."
You know?
608
00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:09,284
And you've got to watch out
for them.
609
00:21:09,317 --> 00:21:10,817
And then,
once they get out there,
610
00:21:10,850 --> 00:21:12,217
they drive so slowly,
611
00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:15,017
and I would think
the less time you have in life,
612
00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:17,484
the faster you would want to go.
You know?
613
00:21:17,517 --> 00:21:19,850
I think old people should
be allowed to drive their age.
614
00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:21,950
If you're 80, do 80.
615
00:21:21,984 --> 00:21:23,650
If you're 100, go 100.
616
00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:25,384
They can't see
where they're going anyway.
617
00:21:25,417 --> 00:21:27,517
Let them have
a little fun out there.
41879
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