Original subtitles

So I went to a fashion show.

First of all,

the whole concept of modeling

is counterproductive to the fashion industry,

because when these women are around,

who's looking at clothes?

I didn't notice any of the clothes.

We're all applauding. "Yeah!"

What are we applauding?

We're applauding, "There's great-looking women here.

Yeah, this is great!"

We're applauding, "I'm glad I'm here in this room

with all these great-looking women."

Anybody can design a shirt.

It takes talent to get all these girls in one spot.

That's talent.

What is this goofy walk that the models do?

You know this walk that they do down the runway.

You know this walk that they do down the runway.

This, like-- They have to go somewhere.

You know, they're walking like they're--

Like they're really on the way somewhere, you know?

And then they get to the end, and it's like...

"Well, I guess I'll just go back."

I loved her, Jerry. I loved her.

No, you didn't.

And she loved me.

Oh, ho, ho. She really did.

No, she didn't.

What am I gonna do now?

I can't live without Susan.

I gotta get her back.

How? How am I gonna get her back?

ELAINE: Not only didn't you love her,

you didn't even like her.

Who says?

You did!

Ah.

A beautiful, successful, intelligent woman's

in love with me,

and I throw it all away.

Oh, ho, ho, boy!

Now I'll spend the rest of my life

living alone.

I'll sit in my disgusting little apartment,

watching basketball games,

eating Chinese takeout,

walking around with no underwear

'cause I'm too lazy to do a laundry.

You walk around with no underwear?

Yeah. What do you do when you run out of laundry?

I do a wash.

I do a wash.

Who am I gonna meet that's better than her?

No one, Jerry. No one's better than her.

When you were with her, you said you couldn't stand her.

I loved her!

You said going up the steps to her apartment

was like being taken to a cell.

I would give anything to be going up those stairs again.

I got to call her. Should I call her?

George, I don't know if that's such a good idea.

Why?

You need some professional advice.

Why don't you go see Elaine's friend?

She's a therapist.

I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.

I'm not going to see that nut doctor she went to Europe with.

No, no. Elaine, what's the name of that friend of yours

that's a therapist? The woman.

Dana Foley.

Right. Dana Foley.

She any good?

Yeah, she's terrific. Why, are you thinking of going?

[MUTTERING]

Tia? Who's that?

It's that model I met on the plane.

She sent you a Christmas card?

Mm-hmm.

And we're going out Saturday night.

My darling Susan.

My darling Susan.

My darling!

What are you doing?

Date with Fred.

The religious guy?

He's not that religious.

Let us pray.

Hey, you got any Double Crunch?

Yeah.

Kramer, should I call Susan?

Now, what does the little man inside you say?

See, you got to listen to the little man.

My little man doesn't know.

The little man knows all.

My little man's an idiot.

Say, she was clever. You know? She put her picture on her card.

I should do that. I never do anything like that.

You want a picture on a Christmas card? I can do that.

She kept such a nice, clean apartment.

She was so sanitary.

No. I was just thinking out loud.

I don't want my picture on a card.

No, no, I'll take your picture.

I'll take care of everything.

She made a big breakfast every Sunday.

I don't know what she put in those eggs.

All right, if you come on over,

I'll have my cereal,

and I'll take your picture.

Really? Can you really take a picture?

Yeah, he's good. He takes good pictures.

He's got equipment over there.

All right. Yeah.

I don't know about that outfit, though.

Why, what's wrong with it?

Well, we'll have to improvise.

♪ Oh, hey ♪

♪ If you happen to see ♪

♪ The most beautiful girl ♪

♪ Who walked out on me ♪

♪ Tell her I'm sorry ♪

♪ Tell her I need my baby ♪

♪ Tell her I need my baby ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Won't you tell her ♪

♪ That I love her? ♪

♪ Oh, hey-- ♪

George.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

So I'm thinking of putting in

a tropical fish tank right here.

Are you sure you're ready for that kind of commitment?

Well, I figure, if it doesn't work out,

I can always flush 'em down the toilet.

That's horrible.

That's horrible.

What's that perfume you're wearing?

Oh, I completely forgot. I want you to see this.

That Calvin Klein ad I was telling you about

came out today.

What is that smell? It's here somewhere.

It smells like the beach.

Exactly.

Oh, my God. Is that the new perfume?

Yeah.

I can't believe this!

My next-door neighbor

had the idea for this exact perfume last year.

He even met with an executive

at Calvin Klein.

I can't believe they stole his idea.

Are you sure?

And you're the model for this perfume?

[KRAMER'S DOOR CLOSES]

[KRAMER'S DOOR CLOSES]

Uh, that's him. He just came home.

Oh, the door.

Hey. Hey, man.

Hey. How you doing?

Ooh...

Yeah, um...

Yeah, I'll-- I'll see you later.

I just wanted to borrow your DustBuster.

All right, come on in.

Just wait over here.

What?

Just wait here, and I'll get it for you.

Kramer, this is Tia.

Kramer, this is Tia.

Hello. Hi.

How tall are you?

5'10".

Well, let's see. Come on,

back-to-back.

No, Kramer!

What's the matter with you?

I just wanted to see how tall she was!

Oh, you're tall. She's tall. I'm tall.

What's the difference who's tall? We're all tall.

Hey, what's that? What?

That smell. What's that smell?

What smell?

[TURNS ON DUSTBUSTER]

It's very familiar.

I can't put my finger on it. Very familiar.

I can't put my finger on it. Very familiar.

Oh, they're all the same.

Here. Now, if you'll excuse us.

Yeah, okay. So I'll see you tomorrow, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, okay. And nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you too.

[WHIRS DUSTBUSTER]

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Whew! That was close.

[KRAMER'S DOOR CLOSES]

The beach!

You smell like the beach!

What's the name of that perfume you're wearing?

It's Ocean by Calvin Klein.

Calvin Klein?

No, no, that's my idea.

The-they stole my idea.

See, I had the idea of a cologne

that makes you smell like you just came from the beach.

I know. Look at this.

I know. Look at this.

[GASPS]

That's you!

What is going on here?

D'Giff, he laughs at me, then he steals my idea!

I could have been a millionaire.

I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry.

They're not gonna get away with this.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello, George. Come in, come in.

I've heard an awful lot about you.

Please, sit down.

Well, hello.

Uh, specifically the reason that I'm here--

Uh, specifically the reason that I'm here--

I don't know what Elaine told you--

but, um, I-I broke up with my girlfriend

a couple of weeks ago.

Actually, she broke up with me, and, uh--

Well, I-I was the cause of it--

And, uh, I just wanted to find out from you...

What's with this thing?

So, uh, she broke up with you...

Yeah, and...

Why won't this go down?

It's all right. Don't worry about it.

So why did she break up with you?

What is with this damn zipper?

What is with this damn zipper?

It doesn't matter. You'll fix it later.

Tell me about your girlfriend.

It's stuck on a piece of cloth, here.

I can't get the cloth out.

It doesn't matter--

Well, this is a brand-new jacket.

Boy, this really burns me up.

George. George,

look at me.

Okay. Forget about the zipper.

[SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER]

What's your girlfriend's name?

Susan.

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

[CHUCKLES]

It's just so frustrating.

It's just so frustrating.

It's a brand-new jacket, for crying out loud.

Anyway, so Fred and I are gonna do some volunteer work

for that church on Amsterdam.

Oh, volunteer work.

See, that's what I love about the holiday season.

That's the true spirit of Christmas.

People being helped by people other than me.

That makes me feel good inside.

Oh, look at what we have here,

Oh, look at what we have here,

a Christmas card from Lainey.

Thank you.

Why, you didn't have to go to that trouble.

Oh, it was no trouble.

My assistant did the whole thing.

I didn't even see the picture. How is it?

Oh, you know, it's a picture.

Oh yeah, look at that. Looks good.

Kramer did a good job.

Yeah, well, I mean, how hard is it to take a picture?

Hmm.

What?

Did you look at this picture carefully?

Carefully?

Because I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong...

Because I'm not sure, and correct me if I'm wrong...

but I think I see a nipple.

What?

Here, take a look. Wh-what is that?

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

That's my nipple!

That's what I thought.

That's my nipple! My nipple's exposed!

I sent this card to hundreds of people!

My parents, my boss--

[GASPS]

Nana and Papa.

Nana and Papa.

Didn't you look at the picture?

Oh, God, I didn't notice.

Oh, what am I gonna do?

You know, your whole life,

you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple,

and then, boom!

Suddenly, hundreds of people

get their own personal shot of it!

Hey...

Have you seen the card?

What card?

My Christmas card.

Uh, well, yeah. Yeah, of course. I took it.

Well, did you notice anything unusual about it?

No.

Well, come here and take a look.

Yeah, so?

So, what's that?

So, what's that?

That's a nipple.

Right.

Ooh!

Oh, great. Didn't you see that?

Uh, no. No, I didn't notice it. Um...

It's because you made me wear that stupid shirt.

Well, maybe no one noticed it.

You didn't notice it.

Let me go get Newman.

We'll see if he sees it.

No, I don't want him looking!

Oh, what's the difference? Everybody else you know has it.

Give me that.

Oh, my God. I sent one to the super of my building,

my mailman--

[GASPS]

My 10-year-old little nephew.

My 10-year-old little nephew.

Sister Mary Catherine, Father Chelios.

Oh, my God. Fred!

I sent one to Fred.

Okay, what is it?

Here...take a look at this card.

Tell me if you notice anything unusual about it.

Yeah, your nipple's showing.

Okay, thanks.

Anything else?

No.

All right. See you later.

Oh, God...

What? So what?

It's a nipple.

It's a little, brown, circular protuberance.

It's a little, brown, circular protuberance.

What's the big deal?

Hey, everybody's got 'em. Look, I got 'em.

I got 'em too.

See?

Everybody's got 'em!

See, it's kind of got a little piece of cloth

that's stuck underneath and--

Well, can you pull it up a little bit?

Ugh!

Well, here, you hold it. Wait, hold it. Hold it.

Damn it, I can't move it.

God, I've never seen a zipper so stubborn.

Damn it! I almost had it.

Damn it! I almost had it.

Yeah. Okay. No, no, wait, that'll separate it.

Take it right off the track.

No, no, let me try. You're gonna rip it!

Gahh!

Yah!

I'm afraid we're gonna have to stop now.

Okay.

Uh, my mother is gonna pay for the sessions.

Oh, is this Elaine?

Yeah.

[LAUGHS]

No!

No!

No!

No...

No. Oh, no.

I've called every day for the past four days.

She hasn't returned one call.

Was it a scratch...

or a pick?

It was a scratch.

Hey, it's me.

Don't you think I know the difference

between a pick and a scratch?

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yeah?

ELAINE: It's me.

ELAINE: It's me.

Come on up.

Was there any... nostril penetration?

There may have been some incidental penetration,

but from her angle,

she was in no position to make the call.

So let's say, in her mind, she witnessed a pick.

Okay, so then what?

Is that so unforgivable?

Is that like breaking a commandment?

Did God say to Moses, "Thou shall not pick"?

I guarantee you Moses was a picker.

You wander through the desert for 40 years

You wander through the desert for 40 years

with that dry air...

You're telling me you're not gonna have occasion

to clean house a little, huh?

Let me ask you something:

If you were going out with somebody,

and she did that, what would you do?

Would you continue going out with her?

No, that's disgusting.

You cannot believe what I am going through.

That card is plastered all over the office.

Everybody's calling me "Nip."

Everybody's calling me "Nip."

Yeah. That's my new nickname at the office. Nip!

These guys keep asking me out for drinks.

Not only that, Fred, you know the guy I told you about?

He hasn't called me in three days.

Oh, hey...

Hey, how come I didn't get a Christmas card?

Everybody else got one.

Jerry got one, Kramer got one.

I thought we were good friends.

I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card?

You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card?

All right, here. Here's your Christmas card.

You got any Double Crunch?

Yeah, I think I do.

[SNIFFING]

What's that perfume?

What? It's the Ocean.

That's mine. That's my smell!

Jerry, you gotta get that model

Jerry, you gotta get that model

to get me an appointment with Calvin Klein!

I can't. She won't return my calls

because she caught me in a pick at a light.

I thought you said it was a scratch.

But that's not what she thinks.

Hey, why don't you call her agency?

Maybe she's been out of town and didn't get the calls.

Get it.

All right.

I'll call the agency.

[DIALING TELEPHONE]

Hello.

Yes, I'm trying to get in touch with Tia Van Camp.

Do you know if she's been in town?

Do you know if she's been in town?

Oh, really?

Well, thank you very much.

She has been in town. She's at Calvin Klein right now.

Let's go.

It'll be different this time. I promise.

I promise difference.

I'm committed to difference.

I need someone a little more stable.

I'm not stable? I'm like a rock.

I take these glasses off,

you can't the difference between me and a rock!

I put these glasses on a rock,

I put these glasses on a rock,

you know what jumps into most people's minds?

"Costanza!"

People don't change.

I change. I change.

Two weeks ago, I tried a soft-boiled egg.

Never liked it before.

Now, I'm dunking a piece of toast in there

and I'm loving it!

I'm not a soft-boiled egg.

And I am not a piece of toast.

I just don't think that we have anything in common.

That's okay. That's good.

You think Louis Pasteur and his wife

had anything in common?

had anything in common?

He was in the fields all day

with the cows, you know, and the milk,

examining the milk, delving into milk,

consumed with milk,

pasteurization, homogenization.

And she was in the kitchen

killing cockroaches with a boot on each hand.

Why were there so many cockroaches?

Because there was a lot of cake lying around the house,

just sitting there with all the excess milk

from all the experiments.

And they got along?

Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

You know, she didn't know about pasteurization,

he didn't know about fumigation,

but they made it work.

WOMAN: You cannot go in there. KRAMER: I wanna talk to Calvin!

Let me talk to Calvin! I just want to talk to Calvin.

Kramer? Oh, Tia. Hi.

Who are you?

I'm here to talk about The Ocean.

Oh, yes, Kramer.

I think I know something about this.

Would you excuse us, Tia?

Yeah.

Now, I don't want any trouble, Calvin.

Neither do I.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Hello. There you are.

Hello. What are you doing here?

Well, I had to talk to you.

I noticed you haven't been returning my calls.

Well...I've been busy.

Because I thought we had a good time the other night,

and the only explanation I could come up with

is that you think that you caught me...

A pick.

I'd rather not talk about this.

I was clearly on the outer edge of the nostril.

I know what I saw.

But there was no pick!

I-I did not pick. There was no pick.

I gotta go.

No! No pick.

All right, now, here's the scoop, Calvin.

All right, now, here's the scoop, Calvin.

I, uh, I came in here last January

to talk to one of your flunkies.

Interesting face.

Yeah?

And when I told him my idea about the beach cologne,

you know, he laughed at me.

You're very lithe, aren't you?

Very graceful.

Well, yeah.

Sit down.

All right.

[KICKS COUCH]

Ooh!

You're very lean... but muscular.

You know, I try to take care of myself.

You know, I try to take care of myself.

I-- You know, I watch what I eat.

Just recently, I cut out fructose.

I think you're spectacular.

Oh?

I told you, Fred,

my friend's next-door neighbor took it.

So, what happened?

Well, I-I-I must've missed a button.

I forgot to button it.

I really don't see how you could miss a button like that.

Oh, you've never missed a button?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Yeah.

WOMAN: It's your sister, Gail.

Oh, God. My nephew.

Hi, Gail.

Yeah--

Yes, Gail, I know how old he is.

Hey, Nip, you need that manuscript,

or can I take it home?

Yeah, take it. Take it,

And stop calling me Nip!

It was an accident.

Well--

Well, it's gotta be somewhere.

Look under his mattress.

[SIGHS]

About the focus group?

I have nothing to do with the focus group.

That's your department.

Oh.

Wham.

Wham.

He's sexual, athletic

He's sexual, athletic

and without a trace of self-consciousness.

MAN: His buttocks are sublime.

Of course, his pectorals could use a little work.

I suppose we could get him into the weight room.

No, let's get him in the studio today.

We could send these out immediately.

You've done it again, C.K.

And what if I did do it--

Even though I admit to nothing and never will--

What does that make me?

And I'm not here just defending myself,

but all those pickers out there who've been caught...

each and every one of them

each and every one of them

who has to suffer the shame and humiliation

because of people like you.

Are we not human?

If we pick, do we not bleed?

I am not an animal!

I did not bare myself deliberately,

but I tell you, I wish now that I had.

Because it is not me that has been exposed,

but you!

For I have seen the nipple on your soul!

So the minute I started up the steps to her apartment,

I knew I made a terrible mistake...

going back with her.

So we're in her apartment.

She goes into the bathroom.

I'm cursing myself. Now, how do I get out of there?

And then it hits me like a bolt of lightning:

The pick.

The pick? The pick?

She comes out of the bathroom, I'm in up to my wrist.

You should have seen the look on her face.

I think I've seen that look.

Hey, I got the magazine.

The underwear ad came out.

Hey, Calvin Klein!

Wow!

Hey, you look great!

Ooh, neat.

Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.

Well...

Your buttocks are spectacular.

Whoopee.

Oh, my.

What?

Well, I'm not sure, but...

I think I see your...

I think I see your...

The human body is a lot of maintenance.

It's a lot of showering, a lot of shaving,

a lot of cleaning, a lot of clipping, a lot of checking.

If your body was a car, you wouldn't buy it.

It's too much upkeep. It's a pain.

But women definitely go to the absolute extreme.

To me, it's amazing the way women take care

of all the hair on their bodies.

One of the great mysteries to me

is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs,

rip the hair out by the root

and still be afraid of a spider.

and still be afraid of a spider.

[♪]