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1
00:00:01,666 --> 00:00:03,466
The bad thing about television
2
00:00:03,500 --> 00:00:05,566
is that everybody
you see on television
3
00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:08,700
is doing something
better than what you're doing.
4
00:00:08,733 --> 00:00:11,366
You never see anybody on TV,
5
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,200
like, just sliding off
the front of the sofa
6
00:00:13,233 --> 00:00:15,133
with potato chip crumbs
on their face.
7
00:00:15,166 --> 00:00:17,466
Some people have a little
too much fun on television.
8
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:19,233
The soda commercial people.
9
00:00:19,266 --> 00:00:23,200
Where do they summon
this enthusiasm?
10
00:00:23,233 --> 00:00:24,366
Have you seen them?
11
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:27,333
"We have soda! We have soda!
We have soda!"
12
00:00:27,366 --> 00:00:30,000
Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.
13
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,833
Jumping, laughing,
flying through the air.
14
00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:35,166
It's a can of soda.
15
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,366
Have you ever
been standing there
16
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,033
and you're watching TV
17
00:00:38,066 --> 00:00:41,033
and you're drinking
the exact product
18
00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:43,633
that they're advertising
right there on TV?
19
00:00:43,666 --> 00:00:45,133
And it's like, you know,
20
00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:48,733
they're spiking volleyballs,
jet skiing, girls in bikinis...
21
00:00:48,766 --> 00:00:49,966
and I'm standing there,
22
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,933
"Maybe I'm putting
too much ice in mine."
23
00:00:58,266 --> 00:01:00,033
So then, as we were leaving,
24
00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:01,800
we were just kind of
standing there,
25
00:01:01,833 --> 00:01:03,466
and she was sort
of smiling at me.
26
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:05,666
I wasn't sure if she wanted me
to ask her out.
27
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:07,866
When women smile at me,
I don't know what it means.
28
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:09,500
Sometimes I interpret it
like they're psychotic,
29
00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:11,700
and I don't know
if I'm supposed to smile back,
30
00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:14,000
I don't know what to do,
so I stood there like--
31
00:01:14,033 --> 00:01:15,133
Remember how Quayle looked
32
00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:16,533
when Bentsen gave him
that Kennedy line?
33
00:01:16,566 --> 00:01:17,533
That's what I looked like.
34
00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:19,400
You didn't ask?
No, I froze.
35
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:20,400
Counter.
Oh. Yeah.
36
00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:21,666
So wait, wait.
37
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:23,300
Half-hour later,
I'm back at the office,
38
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,466
I tell Lloyd
the whole story.
39
00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:24,596
He says, "So why don't
you call her?"
40
00:01:24,596 --> 00:01:26,466
He says, "So why don't
you call her?"
41
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:28,833
I says, "I can't."
I couldn't do it right then.
42
00:01:28,866 --> 00:01:30,233
For me to ask a woman out,
43
00:01:30,266 --> 00:01:31,833
I've got to get
into a mental state,
44
00:01:31,866 --> 00:01:33,633
like the karate guys
before they break the bricks.
45
00:01:33,666 --> 00:01:36,533
So then, Lloyd
calls me a wuss.
46
00:01:36,566 --> 00:01:38,166
He said "wuss"?
47
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:40,600
Yeah. Anyway, he
shamed me into it.
48
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,166
So you called?
49
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,400
Right.
50
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,400
And to cover my nervousness,
I started eating an apple,
51
00:01:45,433 --> 00:01:47,066
because I think
if they hear you chewing
52
00:01:47,100 --> 00:01:48,500
on the other end of the phone,
53
00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:49,500
it makes you sound casual.
54
00:01:49,533 --> 00:01:51,366
Yeah, like a farm boy.
55
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,566
Right. So, I call her up,
I tell her it's me.
56
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:54,596
She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."
57
00:01:54,596 --> 00:01:55,033
She gives me
an enthusiastic "Hi."
58
00:01:55,066 --> 00:01:56,733
Oh. Enthusiastic hi,
that's beautiful.
59
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:59,033
I don't get the enthusiastic
hi, I'm out of there.
60
00:01:59,066 --> 00:02:00,466
All right,
so you're chewing your apple,
61
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:01,900
you got your enthusiastic hi,
go ahead.
62
00:02:01,933 --> 00:02:03,300
So, we're talking,
63
00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,866
and I don't like to go too long
before I ask them out.
64
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,666
I want to get it over with
right away,
65
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:09,300
so I just blurt out,
66
00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:10,900
"What are you doing
Saturday night?"
67
00:02:10,933 --> 00:02:11,866
And?
68
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,300
She bought.
69
00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:17,233
Great day in the morning.
70
00:02:17,266 --> 00:02:19,233
Then I got off the phone
right away.
71
00:02:19,266 --> 00:02:20,466
Sure, it's like
robbing a bank.
72
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:22,233
You don't loiter around
in front of the teller
73
00:02:22,266 --> 00:02:24,333
holding that big bag of money.
74
00:02:24,366 --> 00:02:24,596
You make your hit
and get out.
75
00:02:24,596 --> 00:02:25,800
You make your hit
and get out.
76
00:02:25,833 --> 00:02:26,833
It's amazing.
77
00:02:26,866 --> 00:02:28,233
We both have dates
the same night.
78
00:02:28,266 --> 00:02:29,833
I can't remember
the last time that happened.
79
00:02:33,166 --> 00:02:35,133
I can't stand
doing laundry.
80
00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:36,966
That's why I have
40 pairs of underwear.
81
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,400
You do not.
Absolutely,
82
00:02:39,433 --> 00:02:42,466
because instead of doing a wash,
I just keep buying underwear.
83
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:44,333
My goal is to have
over 360 pair.
84
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,500
That way, I only have
to do wash once a year.
85
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,500
[SCOTTISH ACCENT]:
Come on, try it.
86
00:02:52,533 --> 00:02:54,333
Let me hear you try
a Scottish accent.
87
00:02:54,366 --> 00:02:54,596
That's Irish.
88
00:02:54,596 --> 00:02:55,966
That's Irish.
89
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,600
Irish, Scottish,
what's the difference, lassie?
90
00:03:00,666 --> 00:03:04,733
So, uh, thanks for dinner.
It was great.
91
00:03:04,766 --> 00:03:05,700
Yeah.
92
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:09,166
We should do this again.
93
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,566
Would you like to come upstairs
for some coffee?
94
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,666
Oh, no, thanks.
95
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:15,366
I can't drink coffee
late at night.
96
00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,000
I keeps me up.
97
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:22,300
Oh. So, um...
98
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:23,233
Okay.
99
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,966
Okay.
100
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,366
Good night.
101
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,566
Yeah, take it easy.
102
00:03:40,666 --> 00:03:42,133
Thanks again
for the movie.
103
00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:43,466
You're welcome.
104
00:03:43,500 --> 00:03:47,733
I'd invite you up,
but the place is being painted.
105
00:03:47,766 --> 00:03:49,300
Oh, that's okay.
106
00:03:49,333 --> 00:03:51,366
Unless you want to go
to your place.
107
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,596
Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,
108
00:03:54,596 --> 00:03:55,166
Okay, but there's
no cake or anything,
109
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,600
if that's what
you're looking for.
110
00:03:58,166 --> 00:03:59,466
Take it easy...
111
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,366
[WHEEZING LAUGH]
112
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,566
Take it easy!
113
00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:07,900
I think if one's
going to kill oneself,
114
00:04:07,933 --> 00:04:10,000
the least you could do
is leave a note.
115
00:04:10,033 --> 00:04:11,466
It's common courtesy.
116
00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:12,666
I don't know...
117
00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,100
that's just the way
I was brought up.
118
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:18,000
Values are important.
119
00:04:18,033 --> 00:04:19,933
Oh, so important.
120
00:04:21,533 --> 00:04:22,900
So, what are you doing
Thursday night?
121
00:04:22,933 --> 00:04:23,900
You want to have dinner?
122
00:04:23,933 --> 00:04:24,596
Thursday's great.
123
00:04:24,596 --> 00:04:26,833
Thursday's great.
124
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,533
Tan pants.
125
00:04:32,566 --> 00:04:35,233
Why do I buy
tan pants, Donna?
126
00:04:35,266 --> 00:04:36,733
I don't feel
comfortable in them.
127
00:04:36,766 --> 00:04:38,400
Are those cotton Dockers?
128
00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:42,166
Oh, I can't begin
to tell you
129
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:43,566
how much I hate
that commercial.
130
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,566
Really?
131
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,566
I like that commercial.
132
00:04:52,666 --> 00:04:53,633
You like that commercial?
133
00:04:53,666 --> 00:04:54,596
Yeah, it's clever.
134
00:04:54,596 --> 00:04:56,400
Yeah, it's clever.
135
00:04:56,433 --> 00:04:57,800
Now, wait a second.
136
00:04:57,833 --> 00:05:01,066
You mean the one where the guys
are all standing around,
137
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:02,866
supposedly being
very casual and witty?
138
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:04,333
Yeah, that's the one.
139
00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:09,800
What could you possibly like
about that?
140
00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:12,333
I don't know.
I like the guys.
141
00:05:12,366 --> 00:05:13,366
Yeah, they're so funny
142
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,800
and so comfortable
with each other,
143
00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:16,000
and I could be
comfortable too,
144
00:05:16,033 --> 00:05:18,566
if I had pants like that.
145
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,866
I could sit on a porch
and wrestle around
146
00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:24,000
and maybe even be part
of a real bull session.
147
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:24,596
Hey, I know guys
like that.
148
00:05:24,596 --> 00:05:25,666
Hey, I know guys
like that.
149
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,833
To me, the dialogue
rings true.
150
00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:34,300
Even if the dialogue
did ring true...
151
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:38,733
Even if somehow, somewhere,
men actually talked like that,
152
00:05:38,766 --> 00:05:42,166
what does that have
anything to do with the pants?
153
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,133
Doesn't that bother you?
154
00:05:44,166 --> 00:05:45,900
That's the idea.
155
00:05:45,933 --> 00:05:47,533
That is what is clever about it,
156
00:05:47,566 --> 00:05:48,966
that they're not talking
about the pants.
157
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,400
But they're talking
about nothing!
158
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,466
That's the point!
I know the point!
159
00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,466
No one is telling you
to like it.
160
00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:54,596
I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.
161
00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:56,300
I mean, all those quick shots
of the pants.
162
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:57,333
Just pants, pants, pants,
163
00:05:57,366 --> 00:05:59,033
pants, pants, pants.
164
00:05:59,066 --> 00:06:01,566
What is that
supposed to be?
165
00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:04,266
[SIGHS]
166
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,133
What's brutal about the date
167
00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:11,500
is the scrutiny
that you put each other through,
168
00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:14,866
because whenever you think
about this person
169
00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,366
in terms of the future,
170
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,500
you have to magnify
everything about them.
171
00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,133
You know, like,
the guy will be, like,
172
00:06:20,166 --> 00:06:24,596
"I don't think
her eyebrows are even.
173
00:06:24,596 --> 00:06:24,866
"I don't think
her eyebrows are even.
174
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:28,800
Could I look at uneven eyebrows
for the rest of my life?"
175
00:06:28,833 --> 00:06:30,300
And, of course,
176
00:06:30,333 --> 00:06:31,666
the woman's looking at the guy
thinking,
177
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,700
"What is he looking at?
178
00:06:33,733 --> 00:06:34,966
"Do I want someone
179
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,100
looking at me like this
for the rest of my life?"
180
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,033
I'm supposed to see her
again on Thursday,
181
00:06:42,066 --> 00:06:43,633
but can I go out with someone
182
00:06:43,666 --> 00:06:45,900
that actually likes
this commercial?
183
00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:47,900
I once broke up with a guy
184
00:06:47,933 --> 00:06:50,033
because he didn't
keep his bathroom clean enough.
185
00:06:50,066 --> 00:06:51,033
No kidding?
186
00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:52,700
Did you tell him
that was the reason?
187
00:06:52,733 --> 00:06:54,300
Oh yeah,
I told him all the time.
188
00:06:54,333 --> 00:06:54,596
You would not
have believed his tub.
189
00:06:54,596 --> 00:06:56,800
You would not
have believed his tub.
190
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,333
Germs were building
a town in there.
191
00:07:00,366 --> 00:07:02,000
They were constructing offices.
192
00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:04,933
Houses near the drain
were going for $150,000.
193
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,433
Hi.
194
00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:15,766
You're still
thinking about this?
195
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:20,666
She invites me up
at 12:00 at night
196
00:07:20,700 --> 00:07:22,966
for coffee.
197
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:24,596
And I don't go up.
198
00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:25,466
And I don't go up.
199
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:30,466
"No thank you,
I don't want coffee.
200
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:32,466
"It keeps me up.
201
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:36,066
Too late
for me to drink coffee."
202
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,633
I said this to her.
203
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:41,533
People this stupid
shouldn't be allowed to live.
204
00:07:41,566 --> 00:07:43,333
I can't imagine
what she must think of me.
205
00:07:43,366 --> 00:07:45,633
She thinks you're a guy
that doesn't like coffee.
206
00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,233
She invited me up!
207
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:49,133
Coffee's not coffee!
Coffee is sex.
208
00:07:49,166 --> 00:07:50,800
Maybe coffee was coffee.
209
00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:52,033
Coffee's coffee in the morning.
210
00:07:52,066 --> 00:07:53,633
It's not coffee
at 12:00 at night.
211
00:07:53,666 --> 00:07:54,596
Well, some people
drink coffee that late.
212
00:07:54,596 --> 00:07:55,466
Well, some people
drink coffee that late.
213
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,466
Yeah, people who work at NORAD
214
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:00,800
who are on
24-hour missile watch!
215
00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:03,233
Everything was
going along so great.
216
00:08:03,266 --> 00:08:05,566
She was laughing,
I was funny.
217
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,233
I kept saying to myself,
218
00:08:07,266 --> 00:08:09,833
"Keep it up. Don't blow it.
You're doing great."
219
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:11,000
It's all in your head.
220
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:12,800
All she knows is
she had a good time.
221
00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:14,033
I think you
should call her.
222
00:08:14,066 --> 00:08:16,200
I can't call her now.
It's too soon.
223
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,066
I'm planning
a Wednesday call.
224
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,233
Why?
225
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,233
I love it when guys
call me the next day.
226
00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:22,533
Of course you do,
227
00:08:22,566 --> 00:08:23,966
but you're imagining
a guy you like,
228
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:24,596
not a guy who goes,
229
00:08:24,596 --> 00:08:25,333
not a guy who goes,
230
00:08:25,366 --> 00:08:29,033
"Uh, no, I don't drink coffee
late at night. Ha, ha, ha."
231
00:08:29,066 --> 00:08:31,233
If I call her now,
she's gonna thing I'm too needy.
232
00:08:31,266 --> 00:08:32,966
Women don't want to see need.
233
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,033
They want a take-charge guy.
A colonel. A Kaiser. A czar.
234
00:08:37,066 --> 00:08:40,033
All she'll think
is that you like her.
235
00:08:40,066 --> 00:08:42,466
That's exactly
what I'm trying to avoid!
236
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,333
She wants you to like her!
237
00:08:44,366 --> 00:08:45,966
Yes, she wants me
to like her,
238
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,200
if she likes me.
239
00:08:47,233 --> 00:08:49,700
But she doesn't like me.
240
00:08:49,733 --> 00:08:53,066
I don't know what your
parents did to you.
241
00:08:54,666 --> 00:08:55,900
Hey.
242
00:08:55,933 --> 00:08:57,300
Hey! I just thought of
243
00:08:57,333 --> 00:08:59,033
a really funny thing
for your act!
244
00:08:59,066 --> 00:09:00,833
All right, you're up there,
you're on your stage,
245
00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:02,400
and you go,
246
00:09:02,433 --> 00:09:05,700
"Hey, did you ever notice
how cars here in New York,
247
00:09:05,733 --> 00:09:07,866
"they never get out of the way
of ambulances anymore?
248
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:11,066
"Someone's in a life
and death situation,
249
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:12,533
"and we're thinking,
250
00:09:12,566 --> 00:09:14,300
"'Well, sorry, buddy,
you should've thought of that
251
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,633
"'when you were eating
252
00:09:15,666 --> 00:09:17,900
"'cheese omelets and sausages
for breakfast
253
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:19,933
every morning
for the last 30 years.'"
254
00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:22,900
So you gonna
use it?
255
00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:24,333
I don't think so.
256
00:09:24,366 --> 00:09:24,596
What? It's funny.
257
00:09:24,596 --> 00:09:26,133
What? It's funny.
258
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:27,633
It's funny.
259
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:29,533
I like to do my own material.
260
00:09:29,566 --> 00:09:31,666
That's as good
as anything you do.
261
00:09:33,933 --> 00:09:36,866
All right, I gotta make a call.
Everybody out, come on.
262
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,066
Why do we have to leave?
263
00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:39,300
Because I can't
call a woman
264
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:40,700
with other people
in the room.
265
00:09:40,733 --> 00:09:41,966
Come on, let's go.
266
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,533
Oh, see.
This is the problem.
267
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:45,133
You're kicking me
out of my house?
268
00:09:45,166 --> 00:09:46,133
Yes.
269
00:09:46,166 --> 00:09:47,133
Don't forget.
270
00:09:47,166 --> 00:09:48,200
Right.
271
00:09:48,233 --> 00:09:50,066
Oh, Jerry,
do you have any apples?
272
00:09:51,766 --> 00:09:53,633
Don't do the apples.
273
00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:54,596
It's enough already
with the apples.
274
00:09:54,596 --> 00:09:55,066
It's enough already
with the apples.
275
00:10:11,900 --> 00:10:13,866
CAROL'S VOICE:
Hi, it's Carol.I'll get back to you.
276
00:10:13,900 --> 00:10:15,233
[BEEPS]
277
00:10:15,266 --> 00:10:16,800
Umm...hi.
278
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,166
It's, uh, George.
279
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:20,400
George Costanza. Remember me?
280
00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:22,800
The guy that didn't
come up for coffee.
281
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:24,596
You see, I didn't realize
282
00:10:24,596 --> 00:10:25,400
You see, I didn't realize
283
00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:29,800
that coffee
didn't really mean...
284
00:10:29,833 --> 00:10:31,800
Well, whatever.
285
00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:35,366
Anyway, it was fun.
286
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,033
It was, um...
287
00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:39,633
It was fun.
288
00:10:39,666 --> 00:10:45,300
So, oh boy, um, so...
you call me back...
289
00:10:45,333 --> 00:10:47,566
You know,
i-i-if you want.
290
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:52,366
That's up to you, you know.
Whatever you want to do.
291
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,596
Either way.
The ball's in your court.
292
00:10:54,596 --> 00:10:57,300
Either way.
The ball's in your court.
293
00:10:57,333 --> 00:11:01,033
So, uh...take it easy.
294
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,966
JERRY: I'm just going
to get my jacket.
295
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,300
I'll meet you downstairs.
296
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,666
What's the matter?
297
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:09,966
Did you call?
298
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,700
Got her machine.
299
00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:14,033
I'm dead. I'm a dead man.
That's it, I'm dead.
300
00:11:14,066 --> 00:11:15,866
I'm a dead man. Dead man.
301
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:16,866
What did you say?
302
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:18,466
I don't know
what the hell I said.
303
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,000
I gave her an ultimatum,
and there's nothing I can do.
304
00:11:21,033 --> 00:11:22,033
It's a machine!
305
00:11:22,066 --> 00:11:23,733
The little light
is blinking right now.
306
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:24,596
"Come and listen to the idiot!
307
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:25,300
"Come and listen to the idiot!
308
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:28,966
Hey, everybody! The idiot's on!"
309
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,366
After one date, you try
and improvise on a machine?
310
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,300
Now I'm in
the worst position of all.
311
00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:35,800
You know, my brother-in-law
312
00:11:35,833 --> 00:11:38,033
once left a message
on this guy's machine,
313
00:11:38,066 --> 00:11:39,900
and he blurted out
some business information
314
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,133
he wasn't supposed to,
315
00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,566
and it would've cost him
$15,000,
316
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,800
so he waited
outside the guy's house,
317
00:11:45,833 --> 00:11:47,033
and when the guy came home,
318
00:11:47,066 --> 00:11:48,833
he went upstairs with him
and switched the tape.
319
00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:49,866
Hmm.
320
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:51,400
He did that?
321
00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:52,400
Yeah.
322
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:53,866
Somebody did that?
323
00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:54,596
She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.
324
00:11:54,596 --> 00:11:55,900
She'll call you back.
You're overreacting.
325
00:12:03,233 --> 00:12:05,566
Not once.
Never?
326
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,966
I have never seen one episode
of I Love Lucy in my life.
327
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:10,966
Ever.
328
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:11,966
That's amazing.
329
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,133
Thank you.
330
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,633
Is there anything else about you
I should know?
331
00:12:15,666 --> 00:12:18,200
Yes, I'm lactose intolerant.
332
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:19,900
Really?
333
00:12:19,933 --> 00:12:22,866
I have no patience
for lactose...
334
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,966
and I won't stand for it.
335
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,500
Um, I'll be right back.
336
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,400
Wait till you hear this!
337
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:36,466
Whoa, uh...I'm sorry.
338
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:37,833
I didn't-- I had no idea.
339
00:12:37,866 --> 00:12:39,533
Wait, wait.
He's in the bathroom.
340
00:12:39,566 --> 00:12:40,800
Oh.
341
00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,000
Well, I just wanted
to talk to him for a minute,
342
00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:44,000
but I'll come back.
343
00:12:44,033 --> 00:12:45,300
You don't have to leave.
344
00:12:45,333 --> 00:12:46,300
You sure?
345
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,300
Yes.
346
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:49,166
Okay.
347
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,166
I'm Donna.
348
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,466
Donna.
349
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,233
Oh, you're the one
that likes that commercial.
350
00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:56,033
He told you that?
351
00:12:57,533 --> 00:12:59,552
No, he didn't actually
tell me that.
352
00:12:59,552 --> 00:13:01,166
No, he didn't actually
tell me that.
353
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,233
We were talking
about that commercial.
354
00:13:03,266 --> 00:13:05,466
In fact,
I think I brought it up,
355
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,800
because I like that commercial.
356
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:10,466
No, he would never actually
tell me anything like that.
357
00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:14,000
He never discusses anything.
He's-- He's like a clam.
358
00:13:14,033 --> 00:13:17,033
You're not gonna
mention this to him...
359
00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:19,333
So you go around telling
your friends I'm not hip
360
00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:20,500
because I like
that commercial.
361
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,733
What? What did you say?
362
00:13:22,766 --> 00:13:23,833
Say? What? Nothing.
I didn't...
363
00:13:23,866 --> 00:13:26,566
You told him
how I like the commercial.
364
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,133
Well, so what if I said that?
365
00:13:28,166 --> 00:13:29,552
Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.
366
00:13:29,552 --> 00:13:30,066
Well, so you didn't have
to tell your friends.
367
00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,833
No, I had to tell my friends.
368
00:13:31,866 --> 00:13:33,666
My friends
didn't have to tell you.
369
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,300
Why'd you have
to get me in trouble?
370
00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:36,966
I don't like you
talking about me
371
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,300
with your friends
behind my back.
372
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:39,533
Boy, oh, boy.
373
00:13:39,566 --> 00:13:41,333
I said I couldn't believe
you liked that commercial.
374
00:13:41,366 --> 00:13:42,466
So what?
375
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,033
I asked some friends of mine
this week,
376
00:13:44,066 --> 00:13:45,500
and all of them
liked the commercial.
377
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,166
Boy, I'll bet you got a regular
Algonquin Round Table there.
378
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,033
Hey.
379
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:55,233
Oh, uh, Kramer,
this is Donna.
380
00:13:55,266 --> 00:13:56,633
Oh.
381
00:13:56,666 --> 00:13:57,833
Cotton Dockers!
382
00:13:57,866 --> 00:13:59,033
GEORGE:
Hello.
383
00:13:59,066 --> 00:13:59,552
All right, we should be going.
Come on.
384
00:13:59,552 --> 00:14:00,700
All right, we should be going.
Come on.
385
00:14:00,733 --> 00:14:02,000
Where are we going?
Come on.
386
00:14:02,033 --> 00:14:04,033
Don't bother.
I'm leaving.
387
00:14:04,066 --> 00:14:05,633
Donna, really, you're making
too much of this.
388
00:14:05,666 --> 00:14:06,900
[IMITATES ANNOUNCER]
One-hundred percent
cotton Dockers.
389
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,800
If they're not Dockers,
they're just pants.
390
00:14:09,833 --> 00:14:11,333
Kramer, please.
Donna...
391
00:14:11,366 --> 00:14:14,366
I don't want to hear it.
392
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,566
I can't believe
I said that.
393
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,066
You know me, I'm a vault.
394
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,200
Don't worry about it.
It wasn't working anyway.
395
00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:21,800
What happened there?
396
00:14:21,833 --> 00:14:23,633
I'll tell you later.
397
00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:24,966
You are not gonna
believe
398
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,233
what's going on
with this woman.
399
00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:29,552
Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.
400
00:14:29,552 --> 00:14:31,300
Okay, so you remember
I made the initial call Sunday.
401
00:14:31,333 --> 00:14:32,800
She doesn't call back.
402
00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:35,866
I call again Monday.
I leave another message.
403
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:38,333
I call Tuesday.
I get the machine again,
404
00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:39,633
"I know you're there,
405
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:41,800
I don't know
what your story is."
406
00:14:41,833 --> 00:14:46,400
Yesterday, I'm a volcano.
I try one more call,
407
00:14:46,433 --> 00:14:48,133
the machine comes on,
408
00:14:48,166 --> 00:14:51,700
and I let fly
like Mussolini from the balcony.
409
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:54,033
"Where the hell
do you get the nerve?
410
00:14:54,066 --> 00:14:55,800
"You invite me up for coffee
411
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:58,066
"and then you don't call me back
for four days?
412
00:14:58,100 --> 00:14:59,552
"I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!
413
00:14:59,552 --> 00:15:01,033
"I don't like coffee!
I don't have to come up!
414
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,133
"I'd like to get one more shot
at the coffee,
415
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:04,833
just so I could
spit in your face!"
416
00:15:04,866 --> 00:15:07,300
You said that?
417
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:08,800
I lost it.
418
00:15:08,833 --> 00:15:10,000
I can't blame you.
419
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,500
I can't believe
she never called you back.
420
00:15:12,533 --> 00:15:14,966
She did.
421
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:15,966
Today.
422
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,533
What?
423
00:15:17,566 --> 00:15:18,900
She called my office.
424
00:15:18,933 --> 00:15:22,966
She said she's been
in the Hamptons since Sunday.
425
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,533
She didn't know if I was
trying to get in touch with her.
426
00:15:25,566 --> 00:15:26,733
Her machine broke,
427
00:15:26,766 --> 00:15:28,133
and she's been using
her old machine,
428
00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:29,552
and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.
429
00:15:29,552 --> 00:15:29,733
and she doesn't have
the beeper for it.
430
00:15:29,766 --> 00:15:31,466
So she didn't get
the messages?
431
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,466
Exactly.
But they're on there, waiting.
432
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,400
She said she can't wait
to see me.
433
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:36,800
We're having dinner tonight.
434
00:15:36,833 --> 00:15:39,000
She's supposed to call me
as soon as she gets home.
435
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:41,266
But what about the messages?
436
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,233
Elaine's thing?
How are you going to get in?
437
00:15:49,266 --> 00:15:51,066
I'll meet her
outside the building.
438
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,633
But you know as soon
as she gets in the apartment,
439
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:55,133
she's going right
for that machine.
440
00:15:55,166 --> 00:15:56,966
Unless she goes
for the bathroom.
441
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,500
That's my only chance.
442
00:15:59,533 --> 00:15:59,552
Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
443
00:15:59,552 --> 00:16:01,133
Who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
444
00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:02,633
I can't do this.
445
00:16:02,666 --> 00:16:04,900
I don't even know how
to work those stupid machines.
446
00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:06,000
There's nothing to it.
447
00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,966
You lift the lid,
it comes right out.
448
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,733
You do it for me.
449
00:16:09,766 --> 00:16:10,733
What?
450
00:16:10,766 --> 00:16:12,466
Come on, it'll be
so much easier.
451
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,166
How are you going
to get me up there?
452
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,733
I'll tell her I bumped into you,
453
00:16:16,766 --> 00:16:18,133
I'm giving you
a ride uptown.
454
00:16:18,166 --> 00:16:19,633
And who makes the switch?
455
00:16:19,666 --> 00:16:21,633
You do.
I do?
456
00:16:21,666 --> 00:16:23,000
I can't do it.
457
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,633
I'll keep her busy.
458
00:16:24,666 --> 00:16:27,833
I can't get involved in this.
459
00:16:27,866 --> 00:16:29,552
I think I may be in love
with this woman.
460
00:16:29,552 --> 00:16:30,566
I think I may be in love
with this woman.
461
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:34,166
What if she sees me?
462
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,000
Oh, you are such a wuss.
463
00:16:38,766 --> 00:16:39,733
A wuss?
464
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:40,700
Yeah.
465
00:16:43,066 --> 00:16:44,666
Did you call me a wuss?
466
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:52,666
Well, there is traffic.
467
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:54,133
It might take her
till 8:15.
468
00:16:54,166 --> 00:16:55,466
I got one problem.
469
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,466
You're keeping her busy
in the other room.
470
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,300
Now, what if she somehow
gets away from you
471
00:16:59,333 --> 00:16:59,552
and is coming in?
472
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,133
and is coming in?
473
00:17:01,166 --> 00:17:03,133
You have to signal me
that she's coming.
474
00:17:03,166 --> 00:17:05,300
A signal.
Right, um...
475
00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:06,866
Okay, okay.
476
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:09,166
The signal is...
I'll call out "Tippy toe!"
477
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,066
Tippy toe?
478
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,466
I don't think so.
479
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,233
You don't like tippy toe?
480
00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:18,166
No tippy toe.
481
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,466
All right, uh...
482
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:20,666
Okay, I got it...
483
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:21,666
Um...I'll sing.
484
00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:22,866
What song?
485
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,866
Um...
486
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,566
"How Do You Solve
a Problem Like Maria?"
487
00:17:27,433 --> 00:17:28,400
What is that?
488
00:17:28,433 --> 00:17:29,552
Oh, it's a lovely song.
489
00:17:29,552 --> 00:17:30,133
Oh, it's a lovely song.
490
00:17:30,166 --> 00:17:32,400
♪ How do you solve
a problem like Maria? ♪
491
00:17:32,433 --> 00:17:34,233
Got anything else?
492
00:17:34,266 --> 00:17:35,200
You pick it.
493
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:38,500
"Lemon Tree."
494
00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:39,500
Peter, Paul, and Mary?
495
00:17:39,533 --> 00:17:41,466
No, Trini Lopez.
496
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,133
♪ Lemon tree, very pretty ♪
497
00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:45,700
♪ And the lemon flower
Is sweet... ♪
498
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,666
Okay.
499
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,500
You got the tape?
500
00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:52,300
Standard. Micro.
501
00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:54,033
How do you feel, confident?
I feel good.
502
00:17:54,066 --> 00:17:55,800
You nervous?
Not at all.
503
00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:57,966
Get up, get up!
It's her!
504
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,552
Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!
505
00:17:59,552 --> 00:18:00,000
Oh, the hell with this!
I'm scared to death!
506
00:18:00,033 --> 00:18:01,666
Just walk away! It's off.
Cancel everything! Go!
507
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,166
Hi. What are you
doing here?
508
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:04,800
I thought I was supposed
to call you
509
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,133
when I got home.
510
00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:09,233
I couldn't wait.
I was too anxious to see you.
511
00:18:09,266 --> 00:18:13,000
Oh, that's so sweet.
512
00:18:13,033 --> 00:18:14,800
Oh, this is my friend,
Jerry Seinfeld.
513
00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:17,666
I just bumped into him
around the corner.
514
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:19,866
Isn't that
a coincidence?
515
00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,966
The funny thing is,
I see him all the time.
516
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,500
All the time.
517
00:18:23,533 --> 00:18:24,666
It's nice to meet you.
518
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,066
Hi.
519
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:27,900
So I'm starving.
Where are we gonna eat?
520
00:18:27,933 --> 00:18:29,552
You know, we could go uptown,
521
00:18:29,552 --> 00:18:29,966
You know, we could go uptown,
522
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,966
and that way, we could
give Jerry a ride home.
523
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:32,966
Okay, let's go.
524
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,600
I'm ready.
Where'd you park?
525
00:18:36,166 --> 00:18:37,500
Don't you want
to go upstairs first?
526
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,533
No, what for?
527
00:18:38,566 --> 00:18:40,966
I'll just give my bag
to the doorman.
528
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,133
You know...
529
00:18:43,166 --> 00:18:46,333
I really need
to use the bathroom.
530
00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:47,400
Oh, well, there's a bathroom
531
00:18:47,433 --> 00:18:48,800
in the coffee shop
just next door.
532
00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:52,033
Yes, yes, but...
533
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:53,666
I have to make a call, so...
534
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,566
Well, they have
a phone.
535
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,266
[MOUTHS WORDS]
536
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:04,900
I know Jerry...
Crazy...
537
00:19:04,933 --> 00:19:08,566
He has this phobia
about public toilets.
538
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,233
It's...
539
00:19:10,266 --> 00:19:12,700
I think we really
should go upstairs.
540
00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:15,800
You know,
I think I will go upstairs.
541
00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:17,166
I can check my machine.
542
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,566
Right. Right.
543
00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:29,033
The bathroom's down
the hall to the right.
544
00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:29,552
Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?
545
00:19:29,552 --> 00:19:32,133
Uh, you know,
why don't you go first?
546
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:34,500
You just had a long trip.
No, I'm fine.
547
00:19:34,533 --> 00:19:37,366
Um...
548
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:41,133
You know,
it's the damnedest thing...
549
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:43,166
It went away.
550
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,733
Well, that's weird.
551
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,566
Uh, no, no.
That can happen.
552
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,066
I've read about that
in medical journals.
553
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:50,466
It's a freak thing.
554
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,866
Well, let me just check
my messages, and we'll go.
555
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,900
Uh, Carol, could I talk to you
for a second?
556
00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:56,133
Right now.
Sure.
557
00:19:56,166 --> 00:19:58,733
Please. This is--
This is very important.
558
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:09,200
GEORGE: Tippy toe! Tippy toe!
Uh, lemon tree!
559
00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:10,400
Now I know
who you are!
560
00:20:10,433 --> 00:20:11,966
You're a comedian.
I've seen you.
561
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,466
It's been
driving me crazy!
562
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,200
Right. I am.
563
00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:19,200
Carol, that's so rude.
564
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:21,733
Please, I'm serious,
just for a moment,
565
00:20:21,766 --> 00:20:24,033
if you wouldn't mind,
and then we'll talk to Jerry.
566
00:20:35,666 --> 00:20:39,966
Hey, you two,
I'm ready to go.
567
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,633
That's what you
had to tell me?
568
00:20:41,666 --> 00:20:43,333
Your father
wears sneakers in the pool?
569
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,333
Don't you find that
strange?
570
00:20:48,366 --> 00:20:50,400
Yes.
571
00:20:52,166 --> 00:20:54,566
Well, I'll just check my machine
and we'll go.
572
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,552
Nope, nothing here. Let's go.
573
00:20:59,552 --> 00:20:59,966
Nope, nothing here. Let's go.
574
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,300
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
575
00:21:01,333 --> 00:21:03,333
After I talked to you today,
my neighbor called me
576
00:21:03,366 --> 00:21:05,100
and played my messages
for me over the phone.
577
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:07,800
Oh, I...
578
00:21:07,833 --> 00:21:10,633
Yours were hilarious!
We were both cracking up.
579
00:21:10,666 --> 00:21:12,000
I just love jokes like that.
580
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:24,800
I love my phone machine.
581
00:21:24,833 --> 00:21:27,400
I wish I was a phone machine.
582
00:21:27,433 --> 00:21:29,200
I wish if I saw somebody
on the street
583
00:21:29,233 --> 00:21:29,552
I didn't want to talk to,
584
00:21:29,552 --> 00:21:30,466
I didn't want to talk to,
585
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:36,033
I could go, "Excuse me,
I'm not in right now.
586
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:37,566
"If you could just
leave a message,
587
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,066
I could walk away."
588
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:45,400
I also have a cordless phone,
but I don't like that as much,
589
00:21:45,433 --> 00:21:47,366
because you can't slam down
a cordless phone.
590
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,133
You get mad at somebody
on a real phone,
591
00:21:50,166 --> 00:21:52,566
"You can't talk to me
like that!" Bang! You know.
592
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,533
Cordless phone,
593
00:21:54,566 --> 00:21:57,566
"You can't talk to me
like that..."
594
00:22:02,666 --> 00:22:04,566
I told him.
595
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,666
[♪]
41798
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