Original subtitles

Say, I'm sorry about the movie, Donna,

but I thought "PG" meant "pretty good."

No, "PG" means

they suggest parental guidance.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'm an orphan.

It did have a lot of sex and violence in it.

Yeah. You know, in the old days,

they didn't mix it up like that.

See, if you wanted violence,

you went to see James Cagney

or Humphrey Bogart,

and if you wanted sex, you went home.

You know, Fred, I miss the old movies.

Yeah. Me too.

You know, like Mickey Rooney

in Love Finds Andy Hardy.

If they made that same movie today,

they'd have to call it "Love Finds Andy Naked."

Is it getting late?

No.

As a matter of fact,

I was wondering if I had time

to come in for a minute.

Y... You mean come in the house?

May I?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, darling,

that movie didn't give you no ideas, did it?

Fred... No, eh? Come on in, honey.

This is wonderful.

Hey, you know... Hey, look.

All the lights are out.

I guess Lamont went to bed early.

We'll have the front room all to ourselves.

And, Donna, you don't think I'm a dirty old man, do you?

No, Fred.

I don't think of you as old at all.

Come on.

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Pop!

Yeah, happy birthday, Fred!

Hey, we surprised you, didn't we?

You almost surprised me to death.

This is just wonderful,

all my friends and loved ones

remembering my birthday.

That's just great.

Yeah.

Hey, you was in on this, wasn't you?

Of course I was.

You son of a gun, you.

I should have known

that you had set me up for this.

That's why you wanted to come in the house.

Happy birthday, Fred.

Hey, that's just... That's wonderful.

I mean, you know,

all your friends here, and what... that's just great.

Hey, wait till you see your present, Pop.

Oh, you didn't have to give me no present, son.

Just having all my friends here together,

that's present enough for me.

Uh, what'd you get me?

Well, take a look.

It's a... It's... it's a pool table.

Hey, of course it's a pool table,

and it's all yours.

Son, this is great.

This is the best present you could've given me.

I mean, I've slept on them, and I've played on them,

but I never owned one.

Here you go, Pop.

Your own personal cue stick.

Hey, you remembered everything.

If you're going do it something,

you might as well do it right.

Hey, why don't you shoot a game, Pop?

Yeah, son. I sure will.

Thanks. That's what I'm going to do.

Hey, fellas,

get ready for some real pool-shooting, now.

Since it's your table, Fred,

we'll let you break them.

Because it might be the last time

you touch the ball tonight.

Listen, Grady,

I'll whip you like I was your daddy.

Okay, you all heard him.

Yeah, sure did.

All right, I got him first.

Get on down here and break the balls.

Donna, excuse me a minute, honey,

I won't be but a minute,

and you can watch if you want.

It won't take me long.

I just want to show the fellas a few trick shots

that I learned from... Minnesota Fats.

Hurry up and break, Fred.

You can't talk the balls into the pockets.

$5.00 is the bet.

Bet!

Oh, Lamont,

it's the perfect present for him.

Yeah, I think so.

Now I won't have to worry about Pop

when I go out at night.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, I see you're still at it, Pop?

Yeah, son, watch this shot.

Hey, you're getting good.

Yeah, I've been practicing all day.

Son, I don't know how to thank you

for this pool table.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm glad you're enjoying the table,

but I hope you're not going to let it keep you

from doing your work around here.

No, no, no. I've been coordinating all day.

And I also hope that you fixed something to eat, man,

because I'm starving.

I've been cooking all day.

Food's in the oven,

and while you're in there,

get you a beer out of the refrigerator.

How'd I miss that shot?

That's my main shot.

Say, what's this?

Well, it's called executive privilege,

but if you saw me move the ball,

it's called cheating.

Pop, I'm not talking about pool.

I'm talking about

this creature from the Black Lagoon.

Hey, that's one of them frozen dinners.

It's burnt.

Now, I know why it's burnt.

It's burnt because you're too busy out here playing pool

to look after it.

Go ahead, admit it.

I ain't admitting nothing.

Who do you think you are? Sam Ervin?

Would you get that, son?

I'm going to see if I can make this shot.

Hey, let's get it on.

Boy, lookee here.

Hey, how you doing, uh... Lamont.

Lamar? Oh, yeah.

Okay, move over, buzzard,

and let a man who knows how to play play.

Well, move me over, chump.

All right, get ready, Freddie,

because I got some trick shots

you ain't seen before.

They used to call me "Shady Grady."

When Grady gets through with you, it's my turn.

I could roll you big fat guys

up into one big round ball

and use you for a cue stick

and beat both of you.

Hey, Pop? Can I talk to you for a minute?

What's the matter?

Wait a minute, fellas. Wait for me.

Say, look, how long are these guys

going to be here, anyway?

I guess they'll be here till they leave.

Hey, all right, now, you all watch the cue...

Hey, Fred, are you playing with us or not?

Come on over here, will you please?

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute. Leroy?

What?

You're wanted on the telephone.

Well, can't you take a message?

Would you get over here and answer this phone?

Now, listen, Leroy,

I've got to make a very important phone call.

Now, would you cut this short?

Just make it quick.

Well, let me see who it is first.

Hello?

Hey, man, where you been?

Would you excuse me, Lamont?

This is private.

Now, what was you saying, man?

Hey, watch this shot.

Hey, Skillet? Skillet...

will you take your belly off the table?

Just take your belly off the table.

You want me to put a cue ball in your navel?

Hey, Pop, who's in the bathroom?

Shhhh!

Who's in the bathroom?

Bubba's in the bathroom.

I hope he's not going to be long,

because I've got to shave.

Well, I think you have to wait a while,

because he took the magazine with him.

Hey, would you get that, son?

Get that for me, it's my shot.

Oh, hi, Donna. Come on in.

Good evening, Lamont.

Say, did you have a date with Pop tonight?

Why, yes. Didn't he mention it?

No, and I hope you're going someplace

where you can take a pool table.

He's really enjoying it, isn't he?

Yeah, he'd rather shoot pool than sleep.

Well, at least you know

your money was well spent.

Fred... You big du... Donna!

I didn't know that was you.

I didn't see you come in.

Move out the way, Fred.

No, no. I get that shot over again.

She made me miss.

That ain't my fault.

You missed. You missed.

Fred, I came over here to see you.

We had a date. Don't you remember?

Y... Yeah.

Come here, darling. Come here a minute.

Excuse me a minute, fellows.

Leroy!

Shhh! I'm talking to Detroit.

Fred... Uh-huh?

You'd better get dressed

if we're going out.

Where are we going tonight?

Going? We're here.

Here? The kitchen?

Fred Sanford, I did not get all dressed up

to come here to sit in the kitchen.

Well, I just can't up and run away from my friends.

That'd be ill-mannered.

Well, what about me?

I ain't going to run away from you either.

How are you going to manage both?

Well, that'll be easy.

See, I'll go in there with them,

then I'll come back in here

and visit with you.

Excuse me a minute, Donna.

I'll be back in a minute.

Sit down, honey. Sit down.

Uh, hey, son.

Hey, listen, Lamont, uh, uh, talk to Donna.

Talk to Donna for me. Talk to her, son.

Do something.

I'm beginning to see what you mean.

Yeah, he's turning this house

into a pool room.

I can't even shave in my own bathroom,

and I got a date coming over.

You going to shave in the kitchen?

I've got to.

Bubba's upstairs in the bathroom,

and he's got the Christmas issue of Ebony magazine.

Oh, he's really become obsessed

with that pool table.

We had a date tonight,

but if it's going to be like this, I don't know.

Yeah, well, I know.

It's either us or that pool table.

What do you mean?

That pool table has got to go.

See, Donna?

I didn't forget our date.

Hey, Fred, it's your shot!

I got to go, honey.

Uh, wait a minute.

See, I'll do that to you, but I won't do that to them.

You know what I mean?

I'll be right back.

Just keep puckered, and I'll be right there.

Talk to her, Lamont. Talk to her.

Say, don't you hear the phone ringing?

Yeah, son.

Why don't you get that?

I'm going to see if I can make this shot.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Donna, just a second.

Hey, Pop, it's Donna.

Tell her I'm indisposed.

He says he's too busy playing pool

to be bothered with you.

Just tell her I'll call her back in a minute, dummy.

He said he'll call you back later, Donna.

Look, don't worry about a thing.

I know how to put a stop to this.

Okay.

Hello?

No, I'm not accepting no charges

from no Cha Cha Hogan in Detroit.

Leroy don't live here.

Hey, Lamont, watch this shot here.

Yeah, you're becoming a regular Central Avenue Fats.

You're a good son, Lamont.

You're a good son.

I think so.

Would you get the door, good son?

Oh, hey. Come in.

All right, often said and seldom done,

who wants to play the devil one?

Anybody who'd want to win.

Okay. All right. Let's take up

where we left off last night.

You didn't get beat bad enough last night, huh, Grady?

You were just lucky last night.

What do you mean, lucky?

Grady, I could beat you blindfolded,

one arm tied behind me, the other one in a cast,

wearing army shoes, in the hospital

having an emergency appendectomy.

Hey, look what I got. Come and get it.

Hey, all that for us?

You bet.

Hey, yeah.

Hey, lookee here.

Keep on talking, Cha Cha.

I can hear you.

Yeah, come on, man.

What are you doing, giving away my stuff?

Well, it's just a few snacks

for your friends.

A few snacks?

Yeah, a few snacks.

Hey, fellas, when that runs out,

there's more in the kitchen.

Hey, and there's some booze in the cabinet.

Come here. Come here.

Get in here.

Listen, what's the matter with you,

giving away all my food?

Pop, if you're going to have friends over here,

you've got to give them

a little something to eat.

Not them friends.

Them bellies are home grown,

and they should grow them at home.

Listen, you never saw them eat, have you?

Every time their elbow bends, their mouths fly open.

Son, they are dangerous.

Pop, Jesus fed the multitude

with four fish and a loaf of bread.

Well, he couldn't feed that bunch

with four whales and a truckload of bread.

That was a nice snack, Lamont.

You got any toothpicks?

No, we ain't got no toothpicks.

We ain't got nothing.

Well, that's all right. Never mind.

Lamont, he's going to eat my broom.

Hey, how was the food, fellas?

It's good.

Hey, Pop, look,

I've got to run down to the supermarket

and get some more refreshments.

Let me have $5.

$5 for what?

For some more refreshments

for your friends.

You all are coming back tomorrow, aren't you?

I ain't leaving.

Well, you'd better make it $10, Pop.

Come on, let me have the money.

You know, somehow, this ain't working out

the way I thought it would.

Here.

I think it's working out fine.

Hey, Fred, you're out of scotch.

You out of your mind. I had a whole bottle of scotch.

Huh?

I had a whole bottle of scotch

in that cabinet.

That's what I'm saying.

You had a whole bottle, but now you're out.

Hey, Grady?

Mm-hmm?

Come here, Grady. Excuse yourself.

Excuse me...

Oh my, Grady.

Grady, I can talk to you.

See, you're my friend,

and I can talk to you,

because you ain't one of them eaters,

Grady, don't suck your teeth

while I'm talking to you.

Grady, I got to get rid of that damn pool table.

But why?

Why? I can't keep filling them big bellies up every night.

Look at them guys over there.

Look at them. Just peep out there.

Grady, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid when they finish eating all that,

they're going to start putting salt and pepper

on my furniture.

Grady, don't suck your teeth, please.

Have a straw, Grady.

Here, have a bunch of them, Grady,

but don't suck your teeth

while I'm talking to you, hear?

Did you bring him?

Yeah, he's right outside.

Shhhh, dummy. You'll wake the other dummy up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, we got to be quiet.

Now, come on over here

and let's get the table outside.

Okay, open the door so we can get it out.

Shhh.

All right.

Ready?

Yeah, let's go.

Wait, fool! Wait, fool!

I thought you said you was in a hurry.

I am in a hurry,

but I'm not trying to break the sound barrier.

Now, let's try it again, and take it easy.

Wait, wait!

What's wrong now?

It ain't going out the door at this angle.

Move yours counter-clockwise.

Counter-who?

Around to your right, Grady.

Wait!

It ain't going in this way.

Turn it over on its side,

and don't drop it.

All right.

Easy.

Okay.

Now, come on.

All right.

Well, now, it ain't going that way, either, Fred.

The legs are too long.

Listen, did you all have this much trouble

getting it in here?

No, it was easy.

We did it like this.

Fred, meet, uh, uh... Otis, man.

Yeah, yeah. Meet Otis. Otis, meet Fred Sanford.

Hiya, Fred.

Shhh.

What's wrong?

Ain't nothing wrong.

Listen, here's the pool table

Grady was telling you about.

Grady said it was a good table.

It's used, isn't it?

Yeah, it's used.

A table like this in a store would cost you 200 bucks.

What do you want for it?

200 bucks.

I thought you said that's what it would cost in a store.

Well, what do you think I'm running here, a taco stand?

Maybe we better forget it.

Wait a minute. Give me a hundred.

I'll give you 75.

90.75.

80.75.

Wait a minute, 75?

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Give it here.

Hey, thanks a lot, Grady,

for helping me get rid of the pool table.

You know, I'll miss that pool table.

I had a lot of good times on it.

Yeah. Say, Fred,

how are you going to give the money back to, uh...

To your son

without him knowing that you sold the table?

I ain't going to give it back to him.

But he paid for the table.

Who did he buy it for?

He bought it for you.

And who's got the money?

You got it.

Case closed.

No, Fred, that don't sound right to me...

You can go now, Grady.

I can handle it from here.

All right.

Be careful.

All right, take it easy, Fred.

Good night, now.

Shhh!

Oh, yeah. Okay, hold up, Otis!

Shh!

I'll help you load the table!

Shh!

Help! Help! Burglars! Please, somebody help me!

Pop, what happened?

Oh, son, help me up. Help me up, son.

What is it, Pop?

What was all that noise down here?

Some burglars broke in and stole my pool table.

Burglars?

Yeah, burglars.

Must've been five of them.

Listen, I'll call the police.

No, don't call them. It won't do no good.

They got too big a head start.

Pop, what were you doing down here

this time of night alone, anyway?

Oh, son, I couldn't sleep,

so I came down here to shoot a little pool,

and then these guys bust through the door.

And what did you do?

I just fought them, son. You should've saw me.

You mean to tell me you fought five guys by yourself?

Yeah, must've been the tiger in my blood.

I fought them, son.

See, they had me backed up against the wall.

I was backed up against the wall,

and I started using my feet and my hands.

You know, like that dude on Kung Fu.

Yeah, yeah.

I Kung-ed one and Fu-ed the other.

I mean, I was fighting,

and then, I moved around,

and I tripped on something, and I fell,

and that's the only thing saved them.

Pop, why didn't you call me sooner, man?

If the two of us had been down here fighting,

maybe we could've saved the pool table.

The action was too heavy for a youngster.

Pop, you could've been killed.

Slaughtered, but I didn't think about that.

I thought about...

I just felt like an eagle protecting his nest.

Well, the important thing

is that you're all right, Pop.

I'm fine, son.

Okay, let's go back to bed.

Yeah, let's... Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

That's money.

It's not mine. It's not yours.

You know what I think, Pop?

I think during the fight,

one of the burglars dropped this

out of his pocket.

$75.

You know, that's just what I paid

for the pool table.

You know what that means, don't you, Pop?

Yeah, somebody going to be crying about $75.

No, that means that we broke even.

We really didn't lose anything.

We didn't?

No.

You know, somehow,

I... I feel a definite sense of loss.

Well, good night, Pop.

Say, what's that? Is that you I smell?

Yeah, you like it?

Know what it is?

Lysol?

No, it's a new cologne called "Savage Beast."

Well, who are you going out with tonight anyway,

a water buffalo?

No, I got a date with Donna.

Come over here and sit down, son,

because she's going to be here any minute,

and there's something I want to talk to you about

before she gets here.

Now, look, I... I... I

I'm out of... I'm out of a birthday present,

and I think I ought to get something.

So what you want, another pool table?

No, not that.

Then what?

Well, cash is always nice.

Cash?

Yeah, you know, like that cash them burglars, um,

dropped on the floor.

Hey, Pop, that was house money.

I found that money in the house.

It's house money.

Yeah, but I ain't got no birthday present.

Shouldn't I get something?

Well, since it was your birthday and your present,

I guess you're entitled to the money.

Thank you. Thank you, Lamont.

That's Donna now.

Ain't you got nowhere to go?

Why don't you try to make yourself scarce?

You ain't got nowhere to... No.

Go somewhere.

Donna!

Hello, Fred.

Come on in, honey.

Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Donna.

You're looking good, darling.

Hey, listen,

how should we start the evening?

You want to begin

by watching a little Walter Cronkite?

Television?

But I thought we were going out to dinner

and then to a movie.

Well, you know, those restaurants is so expensive,

and it costs so much to go to the movie...

Well, what difference does it make

with all that money you got?

What money?

Oh, you didn't know?

No.

Pop just recently fell into $75.

Fred.

You just fell into $75?

Well, come on.

Let's go out and celebrate!

Come on.

I hope you fall into something, dummy.

Sanford and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.