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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,713
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,456
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,404
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Rational Geographic.
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00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,472
BRITISH NARRATOR:
Upon realizing a trip to Africa
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00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,974
would be smelly and gross,
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00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,209
our crew decided
to stay in the office.
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00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,278
♪ ♪
15
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:53,152
Aah! Mom, Dad!
A bat, a bat!
16
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,020
Oh, my God,
there's a bat in the house.
17
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,655
Okay, all-all right,
everybody just calm down,
18
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,657
it might just be
Grandpa Munster.
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00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,225
Somebody set him up
for a funny joke.
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00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,727
Hey, Grandpa,
21
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,363
how did you sleep last night?
22
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,198
Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,
23
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,233
"Like I do every night:
upside down."
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00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,002
(laughs)
25
00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:11,503
Okay. But, Peter,
26
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,505
we can't have a bat
flying around the house.
27
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:14,907
We got to do something.
28
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:16,608
Don't worry, Lois.
I'll get rid of it.
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00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,843
It'll be a piece of cake.
30
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,778
Just like
my penis enhancement.
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00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,247
I want it to hang
down to my knees.
32
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,818
They moved up my knees.
33
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:32,691
Everybody, I've come up with the
perfect plan to catch the bat.
34
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,060
I bought this remote-
controlled toy helicopter,
35
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,929
to which I have
attached this handgun.
36
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:39,398
And I tell you, this thing
is not easy to fly.
37
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,366
Peter, that doesn't seem very...
Here goes.
38
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,402
Now, I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,
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00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,870
so I put it
on a timer.
40
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,738
But I don't remember
how long I set it...
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00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,774
Aah! We're all
gonna die!
42
00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:54,713
Okay, so, now the bat has a gun
and the knives I gave him.
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00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,248
What? Why would you
give him knives?
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00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,616
I didn't think
it would matter.
45
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,219
I was counting on this
helicopter thing working.
46
00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,158
Peter? Wh-Where are you?
47
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,392
What's going on?
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00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,561
PETER: In order to
understand the bat,
49
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,498
we must first
understand the vampire.
50
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,067
So I watched Interviewwith the Vampire.
51
00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:17,069
Cast your gaze upon...
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00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:18,737
Lestat.
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00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,606
Peter, you're not a vampire.
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00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,175
Oh? Then why am I
clad in velvet pants
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00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,410
tucked into soft
leather boots?
56
00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,146
And why does my shirt billow so
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00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,181
in the wind
of that rotating fan?
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00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,749
Peter, what's really going on?
59
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,651
I'm just trying
to reinvent my look.
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00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,620
A guy at work said
I dress like crap.
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00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,289
Well, you show 'em
tomorrow, Peter.
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00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,091
How'd it go?
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00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:41,460
I was sent home early
and labeled a distraction.
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00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,562
They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.
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00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,934
(alarm beeps)
66
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,537
Wha... Wh-What's wrong?
67
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:54,139
Ar-Are we taking a
terrible 7:00 a.m. flight?
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00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,807
No, no. I realized
to catch a bat,
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00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,343
I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.
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00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,279
It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.
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00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,214
Okay, but what
are you gonna do?
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00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,448
Well, as everyone knows,
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00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,884
bats watch a ton
of Cinemax softcore porn,
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00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,620
so that seems like
the place to start.
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00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,657
♪
♪
(woman giggling)
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00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,025
Aha!
(squeaks)
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00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,793
MAN: Welcome back
to CNBC's Moneyline.
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00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,795
Oh, come on, man,
nobody's buying that.
79
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,564
You expect me to
believe you own stocks?
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00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,465
Bat Industries was up
two dollars a share today
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00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:21,667
in heavy trading.
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00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:22,868
Huh.
(squeaking)
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00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,237
Get back here! Damn it!
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00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:27,072
Aah!
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00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,307
(squeaking continuing)
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00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,885
♪ ♪
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00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,829
I got you now, Bat Damon.
88
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,764
I named you Bat Damon.
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00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,033
Aw, now I want you to live.
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00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,501
(squeaking)
91
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,203
Aah! Aah! What is it?
92
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,472
Aah!
Ow!
93
00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:05,077
You can beat me,
but I am who I am!
94
00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,346
Peter, what the hell
did you do to Stewie's hand?
95
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,680
It could be broken.
96
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,215
I didn't mean to.
It's just,
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00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:12,818
sometimes I don't think
before I act.
98
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,621
Oh, hey, high-five.
99
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,556
Hey, did you just
high-five that sign?
100
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,757
Yeah.
101
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,359
You think differently.
102
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,427
Get in.
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00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,065
PETER:
His name was Derek.
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00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,568
But he went by the Prophetwhen times were good,
105
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,037
or the Law Giverwhen times were bad.
106
00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:34,873
I moved onto his prayer farmwith 45 other members
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00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,310
of the Salvation Star Boys,who died in a mass suicide.
108
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,646
But not me.'Cause I don't like root beer.
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00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,581
And I only drink what I like.
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00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:45,384
After it was all over,I called Lois to pick me up.
111
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,952
She was mad.
112
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,921
But she's what Derek callsan Oppressing Doubter.
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00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,890
May the lightof Derek's Invincible Diamond
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00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,959
shine through you.
115
00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,565
Oh, thank you so much for
coming in early, Dr. Hartman.
116
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,767
Oh, no problem.
117
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,402
Hell, I used
to work here.
What?
118
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,671
Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.
119
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,506
Oh, hey, high-five.
120
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,074
Huh. As long as you're here,
121
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,143
I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.
122
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:12,244
Should we take care of that?
123
00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:13,845
Well, I suppose so.
124
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,148
Oh, but first, I'm required
to have you read this pamphlet
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00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:18,317
about the risks
of vaccinations.
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00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,922
God, you are aging
so rapidly.
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00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,257
"Possible side effects:
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00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:28,827
fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain"?
129
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,262
Wait, and this can't be right:
130
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:33,131
they actually put
some of the disease in the shot?
131
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,267
Hey, man, how many
questions your lady ask?
132
00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,601
Uh, like, a million?
133
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,470
But I don't remember
having to read any of this
134
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,839
when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.
135
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,607
Well, that was before
Internet chat rooms
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00:05:42,609 --> 00:05:43,775
made everybody an expert.
137
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:44,976
It's a better world now.
138
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,479
I-I don't know about this,
Dr. Hartman.
139
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,015
We might need a little bit
of time to think this over.
140
00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,717
Yeah, 'cause we don't
want to make a big mistake.
141
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,119
Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.
142
00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,854
(alarm rings)
143
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,955
Hey, man, we should
get out of here;
144
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,123
the building's on fire.
145
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,558
Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.
146
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,627
Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire: my urethra.
147
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,529
That's the last time
I go to a water park,
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00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,630
I'll tell you that much.
149
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,332
Well, that's
not completely true,
150
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,534
'cause I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.
151
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,802
Plus, the truth is,
the kids...
152
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,804
Oh, my God...
153
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:15,640
I was the chatty guy.
154
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,747
Hey, you guys,
is that my laptop?
155
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,849
Yeah, sorry,
we were looking something up.
156
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,684
We were going to
get Stewie vaccinated,
157
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:28,754
but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.
158
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:29,988
Ah, no, Lois,
don't tell me
159
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,157
you fell for all that
anti-vaxxer crap.
160
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,725
It's not crap, Brian.
161
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,727
There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a link
162
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,829
between vaccinations
and autism.
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00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,665
Lois, all that so-called
evidence has been debunked.
164
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,200
Listen to some
of these ingredients:
165
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:46,204
"mercury, thimerosal,
aluminum, formaldehyde."
166
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,340
Lois, deciding
not to vaccinate Stewie
167
00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:49,541
is something
that affects all of us.
168
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:50,876
The only reason they work
169
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,412
is that if a critical mass
of society gets immunized,
170
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:54,780
then the diseases won't spread.
171
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,615
Look, Brian,
I was skeptical, too,
172
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,849
but then I did some research
173
00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,851
and I found
some very interesting things
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00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,953
from the leader of the
anti-vaccination movement,
175
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,422
Jenny McCarthy.
176
00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:09,795
See? Proof.
177
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,029
Hard to argue with that.
178
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,097
And look at this one.
179
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,133
Glasses.
180
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,635
Case closed.
181
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,036
I can't believe you guys.
182
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,304
Don't you realize
you're contributing
183
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,373
to a potential
public health disaster
184
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:22,908
by not vaccinating
your child?
185
00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:25,477
That's exactly the point--
my child.
186
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,878
He's my child,
187
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,214
and nothing matters
more than his well-being.
188
00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,050
Oh, God, this is going to be
a Lois story, isn't it?
189
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,419
Game of Thrones is on--
just a reminder.
190
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,288
Yeah, we made
this mistake before.
191
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,956
We got the other kids
vaccinated,
192
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,558
but Meg still got chicken pox.
193
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,126
Dad, this is acne.
194
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,661
Girl, you nasty.
195
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,397
You realize the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.
196
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,132
Well, maybe that's
the problem.
197
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,067
We just got to
change their minds.
198
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,002
We're getting this town
to change its mind
199
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,170
about vaccinations.
200
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,405
Yeah. I'm with you.
201
00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,407
Just as soon as I finish
getting the word out
202
00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,409
about the one thing
more important.
203
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:59,911
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
204
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:00,979
They're ladies!
205
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,314
Just one of 'em?
206
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,082
That's the thing--
it's both of 'em!
207
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,283
What are the chances?
208
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,751
What are the chances?!
209
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:09,888
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
210
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,596
All right, come on, Peter,
211
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:20,432
I've got all the stuff
for our anti-vaccination rally.
212
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:21,433
I don't believe this.
213
00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:22,434
It's bad enough you guys
214
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:23,602
aren't vaccinating Stewie.
215
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,769
Now you're trying
to convince other people
216
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,271
to make the same
reckless choice?
217
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,773
I'm also gonna pet
a bunch of dogs without asking.
218
00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:30,108
Don't do that.
We don't like that.
219
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,943
Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.
220
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,980
Brian, all we want is
for parents to have the choice.
221
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,549
Because parents know
what's best for their kids.
222
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,418
I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.
223
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,456
You do realize they're
putting your life in danger
224
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:45,857
by not getting you immunized.
225
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,727
You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough...
226
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,028
Oh, my God,
are you serious?
227
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,397
Very serious.
Even the tiniest germ
228
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,966
could make you very ill and,
left untreated, kill you.
229
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:55,967
Really?
230
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:56,968
I'd expect this kind of thing
231
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,670
from the fat man but not Lois.
232
00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,472
Although she did
act like a nutcase
233
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:03,174
that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.
234
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,910
Ready for Turkey Day?
235
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,545
(chuckles) Clever.
236
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,313
Don't eat too much turkey
tomorrow.
237
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,482
(chuckles) Oh, I won't.
238
00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:13,151
Now, if only the meal would
cook itself, huh?
239
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:17,489
(cackles loudly)
240
00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:19,758
(over P.A.):
Parents of Quahog
241
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,494
and weekend dads
playing three minutes of catch,
242
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,996
do you know that
the number of childhood vaccines
243
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,065
has tripled
in the last generation?
244
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,366
And why is that?
245
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,536
Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollars
246
00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:35,006
by foisting garbage
and poison upon our children.
247
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,446
We demand that these vaccines
248
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,182
be tested by
independent researchers,
249
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,351
not by the companies
who make them.
250
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,553
Excuse me, are you the lady
selling the bullhorn?
251
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,888
What? No.
252
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,023
I'm over here.
253
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,925
(sighs) Damn it.
254
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,694
This doesn't
seem to be working.
255
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,895
Well, obviously, Lois.
256
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,029
You can't just go to a park
257
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,864
and list a bunch
of boring facts.
258
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,232
You got to spice things up.
259
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,867
Like I did when
I was a lounge singer
260
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,603
with uneven lyric density.
261
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:08,039
This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.
262
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,140
Her name is...
263
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,076
♪ Kim ♪
264
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,477
♪ I don't understand
why your father ♪
265
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,745
♪ Has such problems with us ♪
266
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,580
♪ Kim ♪
267
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:16,915
♪ Mostly I think it's because ♪
268
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,650
♪ I don't make my car payments
on time ♪
269
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,151
♪ But also because
I was dating someone else ♪
270
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,152
♪ At the same time as ♪
271
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,754
♪ Kim ♪
272
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,155
Two, three, four,
273
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:25,657
(rapidly): five, six , seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.
274
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,058
♪ Kim ♪
275
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,760
♪ I love you ♪
276
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,730
♪ But mostly I love that you
let me eat crackers in the bed ♪
277
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,399
♪ Kim! ♪
278
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,001
Thank you!
279
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,736
(plays final note)
280
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,411
(rhythmic tapping)
281
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,116
(rhythmic clinking)
282
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,318
(rhythmic ice rattling)
283
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,090
(claps)
Yeah, that's enough of that.
284
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,158
What the hell?
285
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,993
Peter, is that you
on TV right now?
286
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,929
Oh, yeah, that's my
anti-vaccination PSA.
287
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,498
Hi, I'm a medical guy,
288
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:10,301
and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.
289
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,271
Fact: vaccinations cause autism,
290
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,306
paralysis, and even...
291
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,608
death, death, death, death,
death, death, death,
292
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,109
death, death, death.
293
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,312
Fact: "vaccinate"
rhymes with "masturbate."
294
00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,982
Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?
295
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:27,952
Fact: I still think Michelle
Williams is Carey Mulligan.
296
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,621
Fact!
297
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:32,490
Medical delivery
for badass karate doctor.
298
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,826
Ah, yes, those must be
the bones and skulls.
299
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,561
(bones clattering)
300
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,464
I see no boob bones;
the victim was a man.
301
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:40,565
Wow.
302
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,134
SINGER:
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪
303
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,036
ANNOUNCER:
Say "no" to vaccines.
304
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,971
Paid for with Meg'scollege fund.
305
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,313
What the hell is all this?
306
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,348
I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseases
307
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,050
I'm not vaccinated against.
308
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,352
Speaking of which, do
you have any idea the germs
309
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,555
you routinely
track into this house?
310
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,657
From now on I'm going to
ask that you wear these shoes
311
00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:06,658
while indoors.
312
00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,726
Where'd you get those?
313
00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,927
Put 'em on and lick your lips!
314
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,762
Stewie, you might be
taking this too far.
315
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,098
Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.
316
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,567
For instance, I've already
Saran-Wrapped Chris.
317
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,169
(muffled):
I'm a gas station sandwich!
318
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,838
(dramatic music on TV)
319
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,440
We interrupt this program
with breaking news.
320
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,009
Childhood vaccination rates
in Quahog have dropped
321
00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:28,413
to an all-time low, fueled
by a recent media campaign
322
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,548
led by local meddler
Peter Griffin,
323
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:33,952
shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas' bicycle.
324
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,854
That can't be real, right?
325
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,057
Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.
326
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,425
Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,
327
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,927
nobody in this town is
vaccinating their kids anymore!
328
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,963
Do you even realize
the harm you've caused?
329
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,297
Harm?
What are you talking about?
330
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,032
I'm making the world
a better place.
331
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:50,235
Like when I was
the Instagram police.
332
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,303
(siren wails, then stops)
333
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,038
Sorry, lady, got to crop
the chotch.
334
00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,378
I... will take this.
335
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,046
And cutaway complete.
336
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,548
(siren wails)
337
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,589
Man, there is a lot of bad art
in these hallways.
338
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,492
All right, Stewie,
see you after school.
339
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,728
Wait a minute, where
are all the other kids?
340
00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:17,762
Haven't you heard?
341
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,397
There's been an
outbreak of measles.
342
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,666
It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.
343
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,234
Oh, my God!
344
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,602
And it's not just our school.
345
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,137
Kids all over town
are getting sick.
346
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,605
(air raid siren blares)
347
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,973
OFFICIAL (over bullhorn):
Attention! Attention!
348
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,708
What the hell?
349
00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:35,246
(crowd clamoring,
sirens wailing)
350
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,915
People of Quahog,
351
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:39,083
your town is under quarantine.
352
00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:43,087
Until further notice, no one
may enter or leave the city.
353
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,024
Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.
354
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,492
Oh, this is awful.
355
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,993
It's all our fault!
356
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,662
And look, Joe's arguing
with a state policeman
357
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,263
over jurisdiction.
358
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,299
Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.
359
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,633
It's a state matter now.
360
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,602
No way, this is my town.
361
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,704
Thanks, guys, the feds
will take it from here.
362
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,840
Oh, no, this is my state.
363
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,975
Hi, I'm a crossing
guard who can walk,
364
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,344
so I have jurisdiction
over all of you.
365
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,879
Must be serious.
366
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,881
They brought in the big guns.
367
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,356
You happy now, Lois?
368
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,158
Because of you,
there's a measles epidemic,
369
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,793
and the whole town
is quarantined.
370
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,161
Speak for yourself, Brian.
371
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,297
I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.
372
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:29,234
Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?
373
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,202
(loud, mumbled whisper)
374
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,904
We're all gonna die!
375
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,039
Chris, you're supposed to
whisper that to the next person.
376
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,541
Peter, Brian's right!
377
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,009
We were wrong about everything!
378
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,845
We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated!
379
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:42,714
Eh, it might be a little
too late for that.
380
00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,617
I kind of destroyed
all the vaccines in town.
381
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,942
All right, what else
did I have to do today?
382
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,911
Ah, yes, overdose
in my apartment.
383
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,512
I better get home.
384
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,714
You destroyed all the vaccines?
385
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,850
Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
386
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,785
Is anyone else
feeling feverish, achy,
387
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,453
and acutely sensitive to light?
388
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,855
Oh, my God, Peter.
389
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,523
Y-You've got measles!
390
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,026
Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,
391
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,727
it might just
be full-body herpes.
392
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:32,530
Wait, you guys, Dad might
not have been vaccinated.
393
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,365
Didn't Grandma say
he was born in Mexico?
394
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,767
Nobody remembers that, Meg.
395
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,769
We got to keep you away
from Stewie.
396
00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:38,870
You'll get him sick.
397
00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:40,705
Oh, my little guy's
gonna be fine.
398
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,407
All he needs is a good,
old-fashioned game
399
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,375
of hot-breath telephone.
400
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,643
(breathy whisper):
Measles.
401
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,211
(yells) I've got to get
out of this house,
402
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,747
or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman!
403
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,249
I've got your EKG here.
404
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,417
How does it look?
405
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,585
Well, it spells out "Pancakes."
406
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,988
Oh, okay, so same as last time.
407
00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:00,091
I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.
408
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,392
Nope.
409
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,227
Horses that make it look
like I can walk,
410
00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,163
take me to Hollywood!
411
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,940
All right,
I'm almost done packing.
412
00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:18,509
I've got it down to four bags
and a hatbox.
413
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,844
I'm gonna need some help,
Rupert.
414
00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:20,945
Rupert?
415
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,115
Ew , that's the tushie
thermometer.
416
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,184
Dear God, you're burning up!
417
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,485
I have to get out of here!
418
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,521
I'm sorry, Rupert,
419
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,690
but the situation here
has become unbearable.
420
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:35,593
Like talking to someone
with adult braces.
421
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,762
So, yeah, last weekend,
Sheila and I took the kids
422
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,263
up to the lake, it was great.
423
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,933
We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,
424
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:43,868
Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week...
425
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,270
When are you gonna
get those off?!
426
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:54,012
(weakly): Meg, you must
carry on my legacy.
427
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:57,382
Promise me you'll crop
the chotches.
428
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,816
Crop them, Meg!
429
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,051
Crop them all!
430
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,853
LOIS:
Peter, Stewie's gone!
431
00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,388
I've looked everywhere!
432
00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:06,124
Oh, Lois, I feel
a little better.
433
00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,126
I think I could keep down
deviled eggs.
434
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,127
Lois, what's wrong?
435
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,528
I can't find Stewie.
436
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,296
He must've gotten
out of the house.
437
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,966
God knows how far he's gone.
438
00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:17,802
Well, look, there's
a Family Circus dotted path.
439
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,037
It'll lead us right to him.
440
00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,143
BRIAN:
Ah, it's just Billy.
441
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,677
He died of measles.
442
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:30,148
And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.
443
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,949
Lucky.
444
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,688
If I can just escape
this quarantine
445
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,856
and make it to the next town,
446
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:42,060
I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.
447
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,062
Stewie!
I'm you from the future!
448
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,497
You've got to get the hell out
of town before you get sick!
449
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,332
Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.
450
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,535
Okay, I'm really here
because I know you have glue.
451
00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,937
Give me the glue.
452
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:56,107
(inhales deeply, then moans)
453
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,341
Stewie, listen to me,
454
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,244
never, ever do this
great thing I love.
455
00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,655
There's the bridge out of town!
456
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,692
So we're all there at the Clam,
457
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,527
just kind of
making music together,
458
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,696
and then Peter,
of course, had to join in
459
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:22,400
and clap his hands, and I said,
"Eh, that's enough of that."
460
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,769
(chuckles)
Yeah, I kind of run the group.
461
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,272
I'll just have
to go around them.
462
00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,315
Good Lord.
463
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,217
I hope my shoe doesn't fall
to make me realize
464
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,551
how far the drop is.
465
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,256
(splash in the distance)
466
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,126
Oh , my orthotic was in there.
467
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,894
(tires screech)
468
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,329
Stewie?
469
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,396
Where are you?
470
00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:54,265
Lois, what's going on?
471
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,234
That's one of
my sidekicks' wives.
472
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,269
He says he's in charge
of the group, is that true?
473
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,172
No, not in the slightest,
but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.
474
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,907
We can't find him anywhere.
475
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,475
Lois, look!
476
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,778
(grunting)
477
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,580
I don't know if he can
hold on much longer.
478
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,581
We got to get him down.
479
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,016
Stewie, hang on!
480
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,251
Mommy's coming!
481
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,186
(train whistle blows)
482
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,991
Oh, no, upside-down train!
483
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,159
(yells)
484
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,494
Stewie!
Oh, no!
485
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,996
(continues yelling)
486
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,101
Sean Penn?
487
00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:32,436
That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.
488
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:33,771
What are you doing here?
489
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,274
I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.
490
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,876
Any time there's a public health
crisis in a third-world land,
491
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,944
I'm there.
492
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,779
Third world?
This is Rhode Island.
493
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,014
Oh, really?
494
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,049
Have you seen some
of the delis on Federal Hill?
495
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,717
Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam!
496
00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,787
Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn.
497
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:54,125
Oh, my God, you saved my baby!
498
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:56,827
Thank you so mu-- Oh.
499
00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,729
Sean Penn.
500
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,799
Y-You're the one who played
that homosexual.
Yeah.
501
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,001
All right, well,
I'll take my son now.
502
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,470
I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.
503
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,339
I hope you've realized
that vaccinations are not
504
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:11,309
a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.
505
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:14,712
Thanks to them, countless
serious diseases, mumps, polio,
506
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,682
smallpox, and rubella,
have been all but eradicated.
507
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,684
Like clean water and
functional schools,
508
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:22,186
vaccinations are a human right.
509
00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,656
Great, just what I needed, a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.
510
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:29,760
This whole thing has been a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.
511
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,866
Well, it's a relief that
everyone's been vaccinated
512
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,401
and the quarantine
has been lifted.
513
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,503
Well, I'm just happy
that Stewie is healthy,
514
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:43,007
and only 150 people died, but
not anyone we knew personally.
515
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,509
Yeah, I know I sure
learned something.
516
00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:46,677
(tapping on window)
517
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,546
Hey, do you like apples?
518
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,181
Yeah.
519
00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:51,515
Well, I got her number.
520
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:52,850
How do you like them apples?
521
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,452
Oh, Bat Damon!
522
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:56,454
You got the best of me again!
38373
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