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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,837 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:08,140 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:11,710 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,713 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:18,217 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:21,520 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,122 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,456 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:30,095 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:38,404 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rational Geographic. 11 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:40,472 BRITISH NARRATOR: Upon realizing a trip to Africa 12 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,974 would be smelly and gross, 13 00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,209 our crew decided to stay in the office. 14 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,278 ♪ ♪ 15 00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:53,152 Aah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat! 16 00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,020 Oh, my God, there's a bat in the house. 17 00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,655 Okay, all-all right, everybody just calm down, 18 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,657 it might just be Grandpa Munster. 19 00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,225 Somebody set him up for a funny joke. 20 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,727 Hey, Grandpa, 21 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,363 how did you sleep last night? 22 00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,198 Yeah, see, if it was him, he would have said, 23 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,233 "Like I do every night: upside down." 24 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,002 (laughs) 25 00:01:10,004 --> 00:01:11,503 Okay. But, Peter, 26 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,505 we can't have a bat flying around the house. 27 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:14,907 We got to do something. 28 00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:16,608 Don't worry, Lois. I'll get rid of it. 29 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,843 It'll be a piece of cake. 30 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,778 Just like my penis enhancement. 31 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,247 I want it to hang down to my knees. 32 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,818 They moved up my knees. 33 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:32,691 Everybody, I've come up with the perfect plan to catch the bat. 34 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,060 I bought this remote- controlled toy helicopter, 35 00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,929 to which I have attached this handgun. 36 00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:39,398 And I tell you, this thing is not easy to fly. 37 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,366 Peter, that doesn't seem very... Here goes. 38 00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,402 Now, I don't have anything to control the trigger with, 39 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,870 so I put it on a timer. 40 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,738 But I don't remember how long I set it... 41 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,774 Aah! We're all gonna die! 42 00:01:51,378 --> 00:01:54,713 Okay, so, now the bat has a gun and the knives I gave him. 43 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,248 What? Why would you give him knives? 44 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,616 I didn't think it would matter. 45 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,219 I was counting on this helicopter thing working. 46 00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,158 Peter? Wh-Where are you? 47 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,392 What's going on? 48 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:09,561 PETER: In order to understand the bat, 49 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,498 we must first understand the vampire. 50 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,067 So I watched Interview with the Vampire. 51 00:02:15,069 --> 00:02:17,069 Cast your gaze upon... 52 00:02:17,071 --> 00:02:18,737 Lestat. 53 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,606 Peter, you're not a vampire. 54 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:23,175 Oh? Then why am I clad in velvet pants 55 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,410 tucked into soft leather boots? 56 00:02:25,412 --> 00:02:27,146 And why does my shirt billow so 57 00:02:27,148 --> 00:02:29,181 in the wind of that rotating fan? 58 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,749 Peter, what's really going on? 59 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,651 I'm just trying to reinvent my look. 60 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,620 A guy at work said I dress like crap. 61 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,289 Well, you show 'em tomorrow, Peter. 62 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,091 How'd it go? 63 00:02:39,093 --> 00:02:41,460 I was sent home early and labeled a distraction. 64 00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,562 They're having a meeting about me tomorrow. 65 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,934 (alarm beeps) 66 00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,537 Wha... Wh-What's wrong? 67 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:54,139 Ar-Are we taking a terrible 7:00 a.m. flight? 68 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,807 No, no. I realized to catch a bat, 69 00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,343 I need to live like a bat. So I got to be up at night. 70 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,279 It's a nocturnal mission, Lois. 71 00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,214 Okay, but what are you gonna do? 72 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,448 Well, as everyone knows, 73 00:03:03,450 --> 00:03:05,884 bats watch a ton of Cinemax softcore porn, 74 00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:08,620 so that seems like the place to start. 75 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,657 ♪ ♪ (woman giggling) 76 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,025 Aha! (squeaks) 77 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:14,793 MAN: Welcome back to CNBC's Moneyline. 78 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,795 Oh, come on, man, nobody's buying that. 79 00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:18,564 You expect me to believe you own stocks? 80 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,465 Bat Industries was up two dollars a share today 81 00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:21,667 in heavy trading. 82 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:22,868 Huh. (squeaking) 83 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,237 Get back here! Damn it! 84 00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:27,072 Aah! 85 00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:28,307 (squeaking continuing) 86 00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,885 ♪ ♪ 87 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,829 I got you now, Bat Damon. 88 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,764 I named you Bat Damon. 89 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,033 Aw, now I want you to live. 90 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,501 (squeaking) 91 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,203 Aah! Aah! What is it? 92 00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,472 Aah! Ow! 93 00:04:01,508 --> 00:04:05,077 You can beat me, but I am who I am! 94 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,346 Peter, what the hell did you do to Stewie's hand? 95 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:08,680 It could be broken. 96 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,215 I didn't mean to. It's just, 97 00:04:10,217 --> 00:04:12,818 sometimes I don't think before I act. 98 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,621 Oh, hey, high-five. 99 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,556 Hey, did you just high-five that sign? 100 00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:18,757 Yeah. 101 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,359 You think differently. 102 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,427 Get in. 103 00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,065 PETER: His name was Derek. 104 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,568 But he went by the Prophet when times were good, 105 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,037 or the Law Giver when times were bad. 106 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:34,873 I moved onto his prayer farm with 45 other members 107 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:38,310 of the Salvation Star Boys, who died in a mass suicide. 108 00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,646 But not me. 'Cause I don't like root beer. 109 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,581 And I only drink what I like. 110 00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:45,384 After it was all over, I called Lois to pick me up. 111 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,952 She was mad. 112 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,921 But she's what Derek calls an Oppressing Doubter. 113 00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:51,890 May the light of Derek's Invincible Diamond 114 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,959 shine through you. 115 00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,565 Oh, thank you so much for coming in early, Dr. Hartman. 116 00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,767 Oh, no problem. 117 00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,402 Hell, I used to work here. What? 118 00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,671 Good news. Stewie's hand looks fine. 119 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,506 Oh, hey, high-five. 120 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,074 Huh. As long as you're here, 121 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,143 I see Stewie hasn't had his vaccinations yet. 122 00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:12,244 Should we take care of that? 123 00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:13,845 Well, I suppose so. 124 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,148 Oh, but first, I'm required to have you read this pamphlet 125 00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:18,317 about the risks of vaccinations. 126 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,922 God, you are aging so rapidly. 127 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,257 "Possible side effects: 128 00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:28,827 fever, severe allergic reaction, muscle and joint pain"? 129 00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,262 Wait, and this can't be right: 130 00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:33,131 they actually put some of the disease in the shot? 131 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,267 Hey, man, how many questions your lady ask? 132 00:05:35,269 --> 00:05:36,601 Uh, like, a million? 133 00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,470 But I don't remember having to read any of this 134 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,839 when Chris and Meg had their vaccinations. 135 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,607 Well, that was before Internet chat rooms 136 00:05:42,609 --> 00:05:43,775 made everybody an expert. 137 00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:44,976 It's a better world now. 138 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,479 I-I don't know about this, Dr. Hartman. 139 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,015 We might need a little bit of time to think this over. 140 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,717 Yeah, 'cause we don't want to make a big mistake. 141 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,119 Like when I peed next to the chatty guy. 142 00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,854 (alarm rings) 143 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,955 Hey, man, we should get out of here; 144 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,123 the building's on fire. 145 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,558 Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy. 146 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,627 Anyway, I'll tell you what's on fire: my urethra. 147 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,529 That's the last time I go to a water park, 148 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,630 I'll tell you that much. 149 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,332 Well, that's not completely true, 150 00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,534 'cause I have a Groupon, and I'd hate to waste it. 151 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:10,802 Plus, the truth is, the kids... 152 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,804 Oh, my God... 153 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:15,640 I was the chatty guy. 154 00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,747 Hey, you guys, is that my laptop? 155 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,849 Yeah, sorry, we were looking something up. 156 00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,684 We were going to get Stewie vaccinated, 157 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:28,754 but now, after our research, we're definitely not. 158 00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:29,988 Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me 159 00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,157 you fell for all that anti-vaxxer crap. 160 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,725 It's not crap, Brian. 161 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,727 There's a lot of evidence to suggest there's a link 162 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,829 between vaccinations and autism. 163 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,665 Lois, all that so-called evidence has been debunked. 164 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:42,200 Listen to some of these ingredients: 165 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:46,204 "mercury, thimerosal, aluminum, formaldehyde." 166 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,340 Lois, deciding not to vaccinate Stewie 167 00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:49,541 is something that affects all of us. 168 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:50,876 The only reason they work 169 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,412 is that if a critical mass of society gets immunized, 170 00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:54,780 then the diseases won't spread. 171 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,615 Look, Brian, I was skeptical, too, 172 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,849 but then I did some research 173 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:59,851 and I found some very interesting things 174 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,953 from the leader of the anti-vaccination movement, 175 00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,422 Jenny McCarthy. 176 00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:09,795 See? Proof. 177 00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:11,029 Hard to argue with that. 178 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,097 And look at this one. 179 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,133 Glasses. 180 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,635 Case closed. 181 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,036 I can't believe you guys. 182 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,304 Don't you realize you're contributing 183 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,373 to a potential public health disaster 184 00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:22,908 by not vaccinating your child? 185 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:25,477 That's exactly the point-- my child. 186 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,878 He's my child, 187 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,214 and nothing matters more than his well-being. 188 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,050 Oh, God, this is going to be a Lois story, isn't it? 189 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,419 Game of Thrones is on-- just a reminder. 190 00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,288 Yeah, we made this mistake before. 191 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,956 We got the other kids vaccinated, 192 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,558 but Meg still got chicken pox. 193 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,126 Dad, this is acne. 194 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,661 Girl, you nasty. 195 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,397 You realize the vast majority of people think you're wrong. 196 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,132 Well, maybe that's the problem. 197 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,067 We just got to change their minds. 198 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,002 We're getting this town to change its mind 199 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,170 about vaccinations. 200 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,405 Yeah. I'm with you. 201 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:55,407 Just as soon as I finish getting the word out 202 00:07:55,409 --> 00:07:57,409 about the one thing more important. 203 00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:59,911 The brothers who made The Matrix are ladies now! 204 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:00,979 They're ladies! 205 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,314 Just one of 'em? 206 00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,082 That's the thing-- it's both of 'em! 207 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,283 What are the chances? 208 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,751 What are the chances?! 209 00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:09,888 The brothers who made The Matrix are ladies now! 210 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,596 All right, come on, Peter, 211 00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:20,432 I've got all the stuff for our anti-vaccination rally. 212 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:21,433 I don't believe this. 213 00:08:21,435 --> 00:08:22,434 It's bad enough you guys 214 00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:23,602 aren't vaccinating Stewie. 215 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,769 Now you're trying to convince other people 216 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,271 to make the same reckless choice? 217 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,773 I'm also gonna pet a bunch of dogs without asking. 218 00:08:28,775 --> 00:08:30,108 Don't do that. We don't like that. 219 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,943 Then I'm gonna try and look at their teeth. 220 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:34,980 Brian, all we want is for parents to have the choice. 221 00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:37,549 Because parents know what's best for their kids. 222 00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:40,418 I hear Sansa finally shows boob in this one. 223 00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,456 You do realize they're putting your life in danger 224 00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:45,857 by not getting you immunized. 225 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,727 You could get measles, mumps, rubella, whooping cough... 226 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,028 Oh, my God, are you serious? 227 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,397 Very serious. Even the tiniest germ 228 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,966 could make you very ill and, left untreated, kill you. 229 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:55,967 Really? 230 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:56,968 I'd expect this kind of thing 231 00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,670 from the fat man but not Lois. 232 00:08:58,672 --> 00:09:00,472 Although she did act like a nutcase 233 00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:03,174 that time she went shopping right before Thanksgiving. 234 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,910 Ready for Turkey Day? 235 00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,545 (chuckles) Clever. 236 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,313 Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow. 237 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,482 (chuckles) Oh, I won't. 238 00:09:10,484 --> 00:09:13,151 Now, if only the meal would cook itself, huh? 239 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:17,489 (cackles loudly) 240 00:09:18,492 --> 00:09:19,758 (over P.A.): Parents of Quahog 241 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,494 and weekend dads playing three minutes of catch, 242 00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:24,996 do you know that the number of childhood vaccines 243 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,065 has tripled in the last generation? 244 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,366 And why is that? 245 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,536 Because heartless corporations make billions of dollars 246 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:35,006 by foisting garbage and poison upon our children. 247 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,446 We demand that these vaccines 248 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,182 be tested by independent researchers, 249 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,351 not by the companies who make them. 250 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:48,553 Excuse me, are you the lady selling the bullhorn? 251 00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:49,888 What? No. 252 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,023 I'm over here. 253 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,925 (sighs) Damn it. 254 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,694 This doesn't seem to be working. 255 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,895 Well, obviously, Lois. 256 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,029 You can't just go to a park 257 00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,864 and list a bunch of boring facts. 258 00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,232 You got to spice things up. 259 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:02,867 Like I did when I was a lounge singer 260 00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,603 with uneven lyric density. 261 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:08,039 This is a song I wrote for my beautiful girlfriend. 262 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,140 Her name is... 263 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,076 ♪ Kim ♪ 264 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,477 ♪ I don't understand why your father ♪ 265 00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,745 ♪ Has such problems with us ♪ 266 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,580 ♪ Kim ♪ 267 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:16,915 ♪ Mostly I think it's because ♪ 268 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:18,650 ♪ I don't make my car payments on time ♪ 269 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,151 ♪ But also because I was dating someone else ♪ 270 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:21,152 ♪ At the same time as ♪ 271 00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:22,754 ♪ Kim ♪ 272 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,155 Two, three, four, 273 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:25,657 (rapidly): five, six , seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. 274 00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,058 ♪ Kim ♪ 275 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,760 ♪ I love you ♪ 276 00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,730 ♪ But mostly I love that you let me eat crackers in the bed ♪ 277 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,399 ♪ Kim! ♪ 278 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,001 Thank you! 279 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,736 (plays final note) 280 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,411 (rhythmic tapping) 281 00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,116 (rhythmic clinking) 282 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,318 (rhythmic ice rattling) 283 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,090 (claps) Yeah, that's enough of that. 284 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,158 What the hell? 285 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,993 Peter, is that you on TV right now? 286 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,929 Oh, yeah, that's my anti-vaccination PSA. 287 00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:06,498 Hi, I'm a medical guy, 288 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:10,301 and I'm here to give you the facts about vaccs. 289 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,271 Fact: vaccinations cause autism, 290 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:15,306 paralysis, and even... 291 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,608 death, death, death, death, death, death, death, 292 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,109 death, death, death. 293 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,312 Fact: "vaccinate" rhymes with "masturbate." 294 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:23,982 Would you let a doctor do that to your kid? 295 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:27,952 Fact: I still think Michelle Williams is Carey Mulligan. 296 00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,621 Fact! 297 00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:32,490 Medical delivery for badass karate doctor. 298 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,826 Ah, yes, those must be the bones and skulls. 299 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,561 (bones clattering) 300 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,464 I see no boob bones; the victim was a man. 301 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:40,565 Wow. 302 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,134 SINGER: ♪ Oh, yeah! ♪ 303 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,036 ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines. 304 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,971 Paid for with Meg's college fund. 305 00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,313 What the hell is all this? 306 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,348 I'm trying to protect myself from all those diseases 307 00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,050 I'm not vaccinated against. 308 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,352 Speaking of which, do you have any idea the germs 309 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:03,555 you routinely track into this house? 310 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,657 From now on I'm going to ask that you wear these shoes 311 00:12:05,659 --> 00:12:06,658 while indoors. 312 00:12:06,660 --> 00:12:07,726 Where'd you get those? 313 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,927 Put 'em on and lick your lips! 314 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,762 Stewie, you might be taking this too far. 315 00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,098 Proper hygiene depends on everyone, Brian. 316 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,567 For instance, I've already Saran-Wrapped Chris. 317 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:18,169 (muffled): I'm a gas station sandwich! 318 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,838 (dramatic music on TV) 319 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:22,440 We interrupt this program with breaking news. 320 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,009 Childhood vaccination rates in Quahog have dropped 321 00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:28,413 to an all-time low, fueled by a recent media campaign 322 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,548 led by local meddler Peter Griffin, 323 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:33,952 shown here in the basket of Henry Thomas' bicycle. 324 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:35,854 That can't be real, right? 325 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,057 Oh, I knew one of these had to be my house. 326 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,425 Damn it, Peter, thanks to you, 327 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,927 nobody in this town is vaccinating their kids anymore! 328 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,963 Do you even realize the harm you've caused? 329 00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:46,297 Harm? What are you talking about? 330 00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:48,032 I'm making the world a better place. 331 00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:50,235 Like when I was the Instagram police. 332 00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:52,303 (siren wails, then stops) 333 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,038 Sorry, lady, got to crop the chotch. 334 00:12:57,144 --> 00:13:00,378 I... will take this. 335 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,046 And cutaway complete. 336 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,548 (siren wails) 337 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,589 Man, there is a lot of bad art in these hallways. 338 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,492 All right, Stewie, see you after school. 339 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,728 Wait a minute, where are all the other kids? 340 00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:17,762 Haven't you heard? 341 00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,397 There's been an outbreak of measles. 342 00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,666 It's all because everyone stopped vaccinating their kids. 343 00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:23,234 Oh, my God! 344 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,602 And it's not just our school. 345 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,137 Kids all over town are getting sick. 346 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,605 (air raid siren blares) 347 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,973 OFFICIAL (over bullhorn): Attention! Attention! 348 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,708 What the hell? 349 00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:35,246 (crowd clamoring, sirens wailing) 350 00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,915 People of Quahog, 351 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:39,083 your town is under quarantine. 352 00:13:39,085 --> 00:13:43,087 Until further notice, no one may enter or leave the city. 353 00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:46,024 Oh, that's the guy who bought the bullhorn at the park. 354 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,492 Oh, this is awful. 355 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,993 It's all our fault! 356 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,662 And look, Joe's arguing with a state policeman 357 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,263 over jurisdiction. 358 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,299 Thanks, Swanson, we'll take it from here. 359 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,633 It's a state matter now. 360 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,602 No way, this is my town. 361 00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,704 Thanks, guys, the feds will take it from here. 362 00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,840 Oh, no, this is my state. 363 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,975 Hi, I'm a crossing guard who can walk, 364 00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:06,344 so I have jurisdiction over all of you. 365 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,879 Must be serious. 366 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,881 They brought in the big guns. 367 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,356 You happy now, Lois? 368 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,158 Because of you, there's a measles epidemic, 369 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,793 and the whole town is quarantined. 370 00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:23,161 Speak for yourself, Brian. 371 00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:26,297 I, for one, am enjoying the indoor family time. 372 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:29,234 Who's up for another game of hot-breath telephone? 373 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,202 (loud, mumbled whisper) 374 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,904 We're all gonna die! 375 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,039 Chris, you're supposed to whisper that to the next person. 376 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,541 Peter, Brian's right! 377 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,009 We were wrong about everything! 378 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,845 We've got to get to the hospital and get Stewie vaccinated! 379 00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:42,714 Eh, it might be a little too late for that. 380 00:14:42,716 --> 00:14:45,617 I kind of destroyed all the vaccines in town. 381 00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:10,942 All right, what else did I have to do today? 382 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,911 Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment. 383 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,512 I better get home. 384 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,714 You destroyed all the vaccines? 385 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,850 Yeah, but it's fine. There's nothing to worry about. 386 00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,785 Is anyone else feeling feverish, achy, 387 00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,453 and acutely sensitive to light? 388 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:23,855 Oh, my God, Peter. 389 00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,523 Y-You've got measles! 390 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,026 Now, hold on, hold on, before we all freak out, 391 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,727 it might just be full-body herpes. 392 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:32,530 Wait, you guys, Dad might not have been vaccinated. 393 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,365 Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico? 394 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:35,767 Nobody remembers that, Meg. 395 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:37,769 We got to keep you away from Stewie. 396 00:15:37,771 --> 00:15:38,870 You'll get him sick. 397 00:15:38,872 --> 00:15:40,705 Oh, my little guy's gonna be fine. 398 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,407 All he needs is a good, old-fashioned game 399 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,375 of hot-breath telephone. 400 00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,643 (breathy whisper): Measles. 401 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,211 (yells) I've got to get out of this house, 402 00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:49,747 or I'll be in worse shape than John Goodman! 403 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,249 I've got your EKG here. 404 00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:52,417 How does it look? 405 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,585 Well, it spells out "Pancakes." 406 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,988 Oh, okay, so same as last time. 407 00:15:56,990 --> 00:16:00,091 I'm recommending you go on a strict diet immediately. 408 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,392 Nope. 409 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:03,227 Horses that make it look like I can walk, 410 00:16:03,229 --> 00:16:05,163 take me to Hollywood! 411 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,940 All right, I'm almost done packing. 412 00:16:15,942 --> 00:16:18,509 I've got it down to four bags and a hatbox. 413 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,844 I'm gonna need some help, Rupert. 414 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:20,945 Rupert? 415 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,115 Ew , that's the tushie thermometer. 416 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:26,184 Dear God, you're burning up! 417 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,485 I have to get out of here! 418 00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,521 I'm sorry, Rupert, 419 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,690 but the situation here has become unbearable. 420 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:35,593 Like talking to someone with adult braces. 421 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,762 So, yeah, last weekend, Sheila and I took the kids 422 00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:39,263 up to the lake, it was great. 423 00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,933 We had great weather, fired up the barbecue, 424 00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:43,868 Sheila's parents came up towards the end of the week... 425 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,270 When are you gonna get those off?! 426 00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:54,012 (weakly): Meg, you must carry on my legacy. 427 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:57,382 Promise me you'll crop the chotches. 428 00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:58,816 Crop them, Meg! 429 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,051 Crop them all! 430 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:01,853 LOIS: Peter, Stewie's gone! 431 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:03,388 I've looked everywhere! 432 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:06,124 Oh, Lois, I feel a little better. 433 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,126 I think I could keep down deviled eggs. 434 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,127 Lois, what's wrong? 435 00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:10,528 I can't find Stewie. 436 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,296 He must've gotten out of the house. 437 00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:14,966 God knows how far he's gone. 438 00:17:14,968 --> 00:17:17,802 Well, look, there's a Family Circus dotted path. 439 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,037 It'll lead us right to him. 440 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,143 BRIAN: Ah, it's just Billy. 441 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,677 He died of measles. 442 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:30,148 And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit. 443 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:31,949 Lucky. 444 00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:37,688 If I can just escape this quarantine 445 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:38,856 and make it to the next town, 446 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:42,060 I'll be able to get that vaccine I need. 447 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,062 Stewie! I'm you from the future! 448 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:46,497 You've got to get the hell out of town before you get sick! 449 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,332 Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing. 450 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,535 Okay, I'm really here because I know you have glue. 451 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:52,937 Give me the glue. 452 00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:56,107 (inhales deeply, then moans) 453 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,341 Stewie, listen to me, 454 00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,244 never, ever do this great thing I love. 455 00:18:08,354 --> 00:18:10,655 There's the bridge out of town! 456 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,692 So we're all there at the Clam, 457 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,527 just kind of making music together, 458 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,696 and then Peter, of course, had to join in 459 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:22,400 and clap his hands, and I said, "Eh, that's enough of that." 460 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,769 (chuckles) Yeah, I kind of run the group. 461 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,272 I'll just have to go around them. 462 00:18:36,049 --> 00:18:37,315 Good Lord. 463 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,217 I hope my shoe doesn't fall to make me realize 464 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,551 how far the drop is. 465 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,256 (splash in the distance) 466 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:48,126 Oh , my orthotic was in there. 467 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,894 (tires screech) 468 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,329 Stewie? 469 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,396 Where are you? 470 00:18:52,398 --> 00:18:54,265 Lois, what's going on? 471 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,234 That's one of my sidekicks' wives. 472 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,269 He says he's in charge of the group, is that true? 473 00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,172 No, not in the slightest, but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing. 474 00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,907 We can't find him anywhere. 475 00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,475 Lois, look! 476 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,778 (grunting) 477 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,580 I don't know if he can hold on much longer. 478 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,581 We got to get him down. 479 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,016 Stewie, hang on! 480 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,251 Mommy's coming! 481 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,186 (train whistle blows) 482 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,991 Oh, no, upside-down train! 483 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,159 (yells) 484 00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,494 Stewie! Oh, no! 485 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,996 (continues yelling) 486 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,101 Sean Penn? 487 00:19:30,103 --> 00:19:32,436 That's right, two-time Oscar winner Sean Penn. 488 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:33,771 What are you doing here? 489 00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,274 I'm bringing vaccines into your quarantined town. 490 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,876 Any time there's a public health crisis in a third-world land, 491 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,944 I'm there. 492 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,779 Third world? This is Rhode Island. 493 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,014 Oh, really? 494 00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:45,049 Have you seen some of the delis on Federal Hill? 495 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:46,717 Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam! 496 00:19:46,719 --> 00:19:49,787 Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn. 497 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:54,125 Oh, my God, you saved my baby! 498 00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:56,827 Thank you so mu-- Oh. 499 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,729 Sean Penn. 500 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,799 Y-You're the one who played that homosexual. Yeah. 501 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,001 All right, well, I'll take my son now. 502 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,470 I've brought enough vaccines for your whole town. 503 00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,339 I hope you've realized that vaccinations are not 504 00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:11,309 a freedom of choice issue, they're a public health issue. 505 00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:14,712 Thanks to them, countless serious diseases, mumps, polio, 506 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,682 smallpox, and rubella, have been all but eradicated. 507 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,684 Like clean water and functional schools, 508 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:22,186 vaccinations are a human right. 509 00:20:22,188 --> 00:20:25,656 Great, just what I needed, a lecture from liberal Hollywood. 510 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:29,760 This whole thing has been a lecture from liberal Hollywood. 511 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,866 Well, it's a relief that everyone's been vaccinated 512 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,401 and the quarantine has been lifted. 513 00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,503 Well, I'm just happy that Stewie is healthy, 514 00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:43,007 and only 150 people died, but not anyone we knew personally. 515 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,509 Yeah, I know I sure learned something. 516 00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:46,677 (tapping on window) 517 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,546 Hey, do you like apples? 518 00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:50,181 Yeah. 519 00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:51,515 Well, I got her number. 520 00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:52,850 How do you like them apples? 521 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,452 Oh, Bat Damon! 522 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:56,454 You got the best of me again! 38373

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