Original subtitles

RAJ: If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk,

do you think he's covered or

does he need to add the Hulk as an additional driver?

You really need a girlfriend.

(GASPING) Mailman's here!

Aw. Remember when he used to get that excited to see us?

Do you have any mail for Doctor Sheldon Cooper?

I do, but I can't hand it right to you, I have to put it in the box.

And that is what separates the U.S. Postal Service

from those hippies at FedEx.

Oh, goody.

What is so exciting?

It's a letter from Doctor Wolcott.

We've been corresponding about my string theory research.

Wait, Robert Wolcott? Like Wolcott's Theorem, Wolcott?

The very same.

RAJ: Didn't he go crazy and cut off all contact with people?

HOWARD: Yeah, he was driven mad by a friend

who kept wanting to talk about the Hulk's car insurance.

Oh, he's invited me to his cabin for the weekend

To discuss a breakthrough he's had.

HOWARD: His cabin?

Yes, he lives off the grid up in the mountains.

So, you're gonna go to the middle of nowhere

and spend the weekend with a crazy man you've never met?

Yes, why?

No reason, have fun.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

SHELDON: Hmm.

Oh.

Hmm.

(LAUGHING) Nice one.

Hey, Penny, that's what you sound like when you read.

- Hey. - What, he said it.

Sheldon, what are you doing?

I'm decoding Doctor Wolcott's letter using this book as the key.

Aren't conversations more fun when they're in code?

Yes, but I'm using a code where "yes" means "no."

Oh, I got it. He's given me directions to his cabin.

Seems a little paranoid.

Wha- He is not paranoid. (CLEARING THROAT)

What are you doing?

Following his instructions.

Leonard, you are not letting Sheldon go alone this weekend.

Well, I am a grown man, I don't need somebody to chaperone me.

I just need him to drop me off, pick me up and pack me a sack lunch.

Don't look at me.

When the music stopped, you were holding Sheldon.

Amy can't take him, it's her bachelorette party this weekend.

Yes, it is! Because I'm getting married!

Are you gonna be doing that all weekend?

Yes, do you know why?

Because you're getting married! (WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING)

All right, Leonard, looks like you're driving me.

But maybe you could drop me at the bottom of the mountain,

I want him to think I'm cool.

HOWARD: That's great, everyone's got weekend plans.

Amy has her bachelorette party

and Sheldon's gonna go to the woods and get hunted for sport.

Yeah, as someone who has to track him every time he gets lost in IKEA,

I fee I like I'd be really good at that.

Leonard, you cannot drop him off,

you have to stay with him and keep him safe.

Howard, you have to go and keep Leonard safe.

- Fine. -l get it.

And you want me to go and keep Howard safe.

- Actually, I- - Just say yes

or he's gonna want to come to the bachelorette party.

Are you sure you're going to be okay this weekend?

Of course. I'm much more concerned about you.

I know how you gals behave when the men are away.

You do?

I've read the Bacchae by Euripides.

Drinking wine, riding panthers...

Proof that girls have gone wild for over 2500 years.

Well, I wish I could say none of that is gonna happen,

but Penny is planning it,

and she is the reason I own those underwear with writing across the butt.

Well, just be careful and use protection.

What do you think is gonna happen?

I don't know, but it's going to be sunny and you burn easily.

It'll be fine.

I'm sure there'll be some drinking and some dancing

and then a mailman will probably show up and take his clothes off.

Nicholas is going to take his clothes off?

No, not our mailman. A dancer pretending to be a mailman.

Impersonating a federal employee, oh, where's the after party, prison?

It's sweet that you're worried about me.

Well, of course I'm worried about you. I want you to be safe.

And I want you to be safe.

I will be. I'll have my friends with me.

If anything should go wrong I can use them as human shields.

LECTURER ON RECORDING: For most of human history,

time was believed to be an objective part of reality.

But with the contributions of immanuel Kant,

science and philosophy charted-

When I said you should make a playlist for the road trip, I meant music.

This is better than music. This is a lecture on non-linear time.

Sounds like it's just on regular time.

Yes, but I put it on shuffle.

This is nice.

The four of us haven't taken a trip like this

since Leonard's bachelor party.

And now here we are for Sheldon's.

(STAMMERING) Leonard...

As Sheldon's best man,

I need to inform you that this is not a bachelor party.

And tell them why.

Because you're a tiresome scold.

No. It's because a bachelor party is typically a hedonistic blow-out

where no pleasures of the flesh are denied.

I'm not interested in that.

How is that not exactly what I said?

Okay, now, I promised Sheldon things weren't gonna get too crazy tonight.

Should I be worried?

Just about who you're marrying. (CLEARING THROAT)

Just come on.

Welcome to your bachelorette party!

(GASPING)

(UNSURELY) Oh.

It's a quilting bee!

My bachelorette party's a quilting bee! (LAUGHING UNSURELY)

Isn't it perfect?

Yeah, instead of oiled-up strippers and sex toys we thought,

"What does Amy like?"

Amy likes a quilting bee.

RAJ: Well, this place is creepy.

SHELDON: Why?

Did you see his vegetable garden? Heirloom tomatoes in April.

creepy-

Okay, listen. Doctor Wolcott is a brilliant topologist,

we need to set some ground rules so that you don't embarrass me.

No magic. No whining. You, just no.

Hey...

How come he gets to whine?

Doctor Wolcott. Doctor Wolcott. Doctor Wolcott.

(LOCKS UNLOCKING)

(MORE LOCKS UNLOCKING)

That's a lot of locks.

That's a lot of knocks. They're made for each other.

Doctor Wolcott.

Doctor Cooper. Uh, who are these people?

Oh, these are my friends. I wrote about them in my letter.

Oh, letter? I didn't get a letter.

Oh, that's because ljust sent it this morning,

so score one for linear time.

Well, um, I don't normally allow strangers into my house.

But when you do, you let them out, right?

Doctor Cooper, if you can promise me

these men share your intellect and academic rigor,

yeah, I suppose they can join us.

You guys might need to wait in the car.

Well, let me show you around.

This is the chair where I do most of my thinking.

My thinking about work.

Now, my thinking about people who have wronged me, I do over there.

I've always said that I should get a grudge chair.

Leonard, have I not always said that?

You have, but you were worried you'd spend too much time in it.

Well... That is a real concern.

Oh, my God, this tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.

My secret is I fertilize it with my own manure.

The look on your face. (GIGGLING)

It's a sort of grin, you wanna know what kind?

So, Doctor Wolcott,

in your letter you said you had a new mathematical approach

that would help me conceptualize the dimensions in string theory.

Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But, before we get started,

lam going to need to collect everybody's phones.

- Oh. - LEONARD: Why?

Because they are little listening devices, aren't they?

Yes, for people to spy on you and steal your work.

Yeah, what happened to the good old days

where if someone wanted to steal your work

they had to hire a prostitute to seduce you?

Who told you about that?

Just making a joke.

Yeah, it's not funny when it happens.

All right, now, you're probably going to want to start with this notebook here.

- Oh. - Here we are.

Oh, my. on. (CHUCKLING)

Um, no offense, Doctor Wolcott, but I'm not sure this makes any sense.

That's because I've written it all backwards.

You- Wow.

That's "wow" backwards.

You... Um, I still don't get it.

Well, plus, the numbers are letters and letters are numbers.

(INHALING) Oh.

I love him.

Are you having fun?

Yeah, ljust, uh, finished sewing this top-to-bottom,

and now I'm going to sew it side-to-side.

- Pace yourself. -(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Some more tea? - Oh, lovely.

Oh!

Seriously? What the hell?

- Huh? - What?

This is my bachelorette party, tea and quilts?

Well, you said you didn't want anything crazy.

Yes, but I said it like, "I don't want anything crazy,"

which clearly means I wanted something crazy.

I mean, is this how boring you think I am?

Penny, she asked you a question.

Of course not.

So, you thought that I would like quilting?

Well, don't you?

Of course, I like quilting, it's the slowest way to make a blanket.

But this is my bachelorette party.

It's supposed to be fun and wild and full of bad decisions.

Hey, we can make bad decisions.

Yeah, she had two kids back-to-back and I thought you'd like this,

so we're off to a good start.

Come on, let's go somewhere we can do body shots off shirtless bartenders.

Yes.

Oh, I don't know, that might be too much.

All right, you know what, why don't we stay home and have a little wine-

What are you not getting about this?

Doctor Wolcott, your work on time is revolutionary.

I would say thank you, but in my theory of time

you've already called my work revolutionary,

I've already thanked you,

and I hate repeating myself, so let's move on.

Wait a minute. Are you saying

that time has multiple dimensions, the same as space?

No, no. I'm not saying it, the math is saying it.

Though, it is the math that I invented, so, yes, I guess I am saying it.

You understanding any of this?

I haven't understood anything since poop-tomato.

My goodness, this is incredible.

See, I... I'm just not seeing where string theory fits into all this

and that's where I think that you and I could be of help to each other.

Thank you, I'd be honored.

All right. Allow me to show you my most recent journal.

Sheldon's right, this guy... This guy's brilliant.

Yeah, I mean, he's a little kooky,

but a mind that can reconceptualize time

probably has a reason for keeping a jar of toenail clippings

that we just don't understand.

I could spend months up here just going through his math.

You know, I think Sheldon might.

Great, who's gonna tell Amy

we lost her fiancé to a mad man in the mountains?

Hey, I drove.

This is so exciting. Can we do a body shot?

I've always wanted to do a body shot. Also, what's a body shot?

It's when you take a drink out of a stranger's belly button.

Oh, no thanks.

What if they have an outie? Does it just spill everywhere?

Okay, look, we've got all night. Let's just take it easy-

I'm getting married!

(CHEERING)

Here you go, first round's on the house.

- Ooh. - Hey, there. Do you do body shots?

Oh. She said she didn't want one-

Mind your business.

Cheers! (WHOOPING)

Amy? Amy? Should we get her home?

Why? She's sound asleep and we have sliders coming.

One more round.

So, how would this work in the context of a singularity?

Yes, that's a tricky bit to explain.

I assume you're familiar with non-abelian group theory.

Oh, and how! You never forget your first group theory.

Listen, I'm going to put on a pot of coffee,

because there's a lot of math to go through.

And he said he didn't want a wild bachelor party.

Excuse me?

Oh, Sheldon is getting married in a month.

Oh, congratulations. Yeah, I'm a married man myself.

Oh, really? ls she here?

And alive?

And... And can people other than you see her?

She lives in Munich. It's a perfect marriage.

We focus on our work and send each other cards every year on our birthdays.

Wait, what... What month is it?

- Uh, April. - Most years.

The point is we give each other space.

I give her Europe, she gives me South America,

that's where she thinks I'm living.

Oh, I... I've never considered a long distance marriage.

Well, listen, if you want to be a great scientist

you can't afford to be distracted.

Hey, where are my manners? You fellows must be hungry.

- Do you like rabbit? - Yeah. Sure.

- Sounds good. - Okay.

But can you tell the difference between rabbit and squirrel?

- No. Don't think so. - Probably not.

Great, we're having rabbit.

Be right back.

It's amazing how much he's accomplished

by isolating himself from the distractions of day-to-day life.

Okay, please don't tell me you wanna live like this.

See, that's the strange thing, I don't.

What is wrong with me? Why don't I want this?

Look how cool it all is.

Nothing is wrong with you.

You have friends, you have a fiancée. You have a full life.

You know what? You're right.

Thank you for bringing me up here.

But I think I'm ready to go home now.

Really? You don't want to stay for dinner and talk more science?

No, no, we better go. I miss Amy. And my phone.

(GUN FIRING)

Also, I'm from Texas

and I can taste the difference between rabbit and squirrel.

(TV PLAYING MUSIC)

Whoa... Huh?

- Oh, look who's back. - There she is.

What happened? How did we get here?

You don't remember anything?

I remember taking some shots and then... That's it.

Oh, my gosh, did I pass out?

You kinda did.

At my own bachelorette party? I'm so lame.

Oh, you didn't pass out before you did all kinds of fun stuff.

What did I do?

(INCREDULOUSLY) What did you do?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What did she do?

Um, well, you don't remember Riverdancing on top of the bar?

- I did that? - Yeah, you did.

Mmm.

But I don't know how to Riverdance.

Didn't stop you from teaching all those shirtless firemen.

I saw shirtless firemen?

Saw, smelled, slid down like a pole.

Did I flash anybody?

How about "everybody"?

I can't believe it, I'm so embarrassed. You didn't take any pictures, did you?

Oh, no, we would never do that to you.

Yeah, but if there were pictures, they would be (SINGSONG) crazy.

- You guys are good friends. - PENNY: Mmm.

(IRISH FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Dinner!

Guys?

I can't believe they left without saying goodbye.

Wait a minute, what if they stole my work?

Wait a minute, what if they were never here at all?

Wait a minute,

what if they haven't gotten here yet but they're on their way?

I'd better tidy up.

Hello.

Welcome back. How did it go?

Doctor Wolcott's theories of time

might save my new interpretation of string theory.

Well, that's exciting.

Yeah, it is. How was your bachelorette party?

Well, I was in a bar and I saw some shirtless men.

They were firemen and they fought over me.

But, Penny and Bernadette got me out of there

before the victor got my spoils.

I see.

What's the matter? You look glum.

Amy, would you still love me if I wasn't who you thought I was?

What are you talking about?

Well, what if it turns out I'm not the single-minded,

science-obsessed recluse

who puts his work above everything and everybody else

that you fell in love with?

What if I'm not the straight-laced,

buttoned-up, quilting queen you thought I was?

What if I'm a Riverdancing wild woman?

I'd still love you.

I'd still love you, too.

Do you really know how to Riverdance?

You tell me.

I'm the only man you do that for.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)