All language subtitles for Same Time Next Year (1978)

♪ Hello ♪

♪ I don't even know your name ♪

♪ But I'm hoping all the same ♪

♪ This is more than
just a simple hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Do I smile and look away ♪

♪ No, I think I'll
smile and stay ♪

♪ To see where this might go ♪

♪ 'Cause the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪

♪ Falling and feeling ♪

♪ I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

♪ What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ I can't wait
till we're alone ♪

♪ Somewhere quiet on our own ♪

♪ So that we can fall ♪

♪ The rest of the way ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ That before the
night is through ♪

♪ I'll be talking love to you ♪

♪ Meaning every word ♪

♪ I say ♪

♪ Oh, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪

♪ Falling and feeling ♪

♪ I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last time I felt like
this ♪ ♪ The very last time ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With you♪♪

Come on, damn it.

Hi.

Uh... hello.

That's a real
sharp-lookin' outfit.

What time is it? My
watch is on the bed table.

- Ten to 12:00?
- No, no, it's 8:25.

The stem is broken.

It's three hours
and 25 minutes fast.

Why don't you get it fixed?

I was going to,
but I got used to it.

Doesn't it mix you up?

No, I'm very quick
with figures. Oh.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Why do you have
to look so luminous?

It would make things easier if
you woke up with puffy eyes...

and blotchy skin
like everyone else.

I guess God just figured that
chubby thighs were enough.

Look, this isn't gonna just go
away. We have to talk about this.

Okay.

Where you going? I
wanna brush my teeth.

Dorothy, sit down.

Oh, by the way...
No, please, sit.

Dorothy, in the first place,

I want you to know that what happened
last night was the most beautiful,

wonderful, crazy thing
that's ever happened to me,

and I'll never forget it or you.

Doris.

What? My name is Doris.

Your name is Doris? Yes.

I've been calling you
Dorothy all night. I know.

Why didn't you tell me earlier? I
didn't know we were gonna end up...

And then I did try and tell
you, but you weren't listening.

When?

It was right in the
middle of everything.

It was incredible, wasn't it?

It was... nice.

I mean, especially
the last time.

I know, I'm an animal.

I don't know what came over me.

I mean, I was... what... Wait, what
was wrong with the first two times?

Well, the first time
was a little fast.

And, um, the second time...

Listen, I really feel
funny talking about this.

It was a very
beautiful thing, Doris.

There was nothing ugly or
disgusting about what we did.

Then how come you look
so down in the dumps?

Because my wife
is going to kill me.

Well, how's she gonna
find out? She knows already.

- You said she was in New Jersey.
- It doesn't matter. She knows.

How?

Was it as incredible
for you as it was for me?

Do all men like to talk
about it a lot afterwards?

Why? You think I'm some
kind of a pervert or something?

Oh, no! I was just curious.

See, I was a virgin when I got
married. Well, at least sort of.

Sort of?

Well, I was pregnant,
but I don't count that.

Doris, that counts!

No, I mean it was by the man
that I married. Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right. See, Harry and
me were gonna get married anyway.

That just speeded
things up a little bit.

It turns out I get pregnant if
we drink out of the same cup.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I-I-I-I'm fine.

I'm all right.

Doris? What?

I think I'm in love with you.

I mean, it's crazy.
It's really crazy.

I don't even know if you've
read Catcher in the Rye.

Oh, no, I didn't even finish
high school. There. You see?

I don't even care, and I'm
really a snob about education.

Of course, I should have
known this would happen.

When it comes to life, I have a
brown thumb. What do you mean?

I mean nothing I
ever do turns out right.

First time... First time I
had sex, I was 18 years old.

We were in the backseat of
a parked 1938 Dodge sedan.

Right in the middle of
it, we were rear-ended.

Oh. And you didn't
have any insurance?

No, that's not exactly
what I mean. I mean...

Oh. Look, take last night.

You know what the radio was
playing while we were making love?

No. "If I Knew You Were
Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake."

So? So that's gonna be our song.

Is it? No.

I mean, other people would have gotten
"Be My Love" or "Some Enchanted Evening."

Me, I get "If I Knew You Were
Coming, I'd Have Baked A Cake."

What is it?

I really want to
take a bath now.

Oh, I'm so... Oh,
I see. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, sure.
I'll... I'll wait out... I'll be out...

Wow!

We're in big
trouble, Doris. Huh?

I really think I've
fallen in love with you.

- You wanna know
what kind of luck I have?
- Yeah.

I'm happily married!

Are you Jewish?

No.

Then how come you feel so
guilty? Don't you feel guilty?

You kidding? Half my
high school became nuns.

I guess the Catholics have
rules about this sort of thing.

Oh, yeah, we have
rules about everything.

That's what's so great
about being Catholic.

You always know where you stand.

I tell you, Doris, I feel
like slitting my wrists.

- Are you Italian?
- What's with you
and nationalities?

Nothing. You're
just so emotional.

I happen to be a C.P.A. Oh?

I could be as logical
as the next person. Oh.

Well, you don't strike me
as the accountant type.

It's very simple. My
whole life has been a mess.

Figures always come out right.

What are you? Oh, I'm Irish.

Well, they're emotional. Why aren't
you yelling or crying or something?

I did all of that before
in the bathroom.

Crying? Nope. Yelling.

I didn't hear you. I stuffed
a towel in my mouth.

I'm sorry. It's all right.

No sense crying over spilt milk.

Yeah, you're right.

How come we feel so terrible?

Because we're two decent, honest
people, and this thing is tearing us apart.

I mean, I know it
wasn't our fault, but I...

I keep seeing the faces of my children
and the look of betrayal in their eyes.

I keep thinking about
my marriage vows,

the trust my wife
has placed in me...

and all the experiences
we've shared together.

And you know the
worst part of it all?

What?

While I'm thinking all this,

I have this fantastic hard-on.

I really wish you
hadn't said that.

I'm sorry. I think we should be
totally honest with each other.

It's not that. It's that I
have to go to confession.

You know...

W-We're both crazy.
You know that, don't you?

I mean, this sort of thing happens
every day to millions of people.

You don't use actual names
in confession, do you? No.

Doris, may I ask you something?

Sure.

Would you go to
bed with me again?

Oh, George, I can't.

Why not? 'Cause we'd
just feel worse afterwards.

Oh, no. I'm over that now. I
just remembered something.

What? The Russians
have the bomb.

We could all be dead tomorrow.

George, I think you're
clutching at straws.

Doris, don't you understand? No.

We're two grown-up people.

We have absolutely nothing
to be ashamed or afraid of.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Uh... Coming! My hat. My bag.

What? My hat! My bag!

Be right there.

Wait a minute! Wait a
minute! Where are you going?

Okay.

- Don't go in the bathroom.
- Why not?

That's the first
place they'd look.

Oh!

Oh, hello. Oh, good
morning, Mr. Peters.

I've got your breakfast.
Did you have a good night?

Yes. Fine, fine.

Uh, y-you know, I think
I heard an owl out here.

I'm a C. P.A. When you work hard
all year, it's great to get back to nature.

I really loved it. That's right.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Chalmers. You're welcome.

Have a nice day, now.
Thank you. You too.

- Enjoy the view.
- Yes, I will. I’ll just
wander around by myself.

Doris?

Doris?

Have you got a woman in there?

It's okay. It was old
Mr. Chalmers with my breakfast.

I was very calm. He didn't suspect a
thing. He didn't ask about the girdle.

- What?
- Girdle.

Oh, great!

Now he probably thinks
I'm a homo. Oh, well.

What do you care? I
stay here every year.

Oh, yeah? How come?

I have a friend who went into
the wine business near here.

I fly out the same weekend every
year to do his books. From New Jersey?

He was my first client. It's
sort of a sentimental thing.

Oh, I see.

Uh, Doris, I'd like to tell
you something. Okay.

You probably think I do
this sort of thing all the time.

I know I must appear very
smooth and glib and sexual.

But since I've been married, this
is the very first time I've done this.

Ah, sure. Don't
worry. I could tell.

Listen, would you mind if I
had a little of your breakfast?

Sure. I'm not hungry. Thank you.

Even when I was single, I was
no good at quick, superficial affairs.

I always had to like the person...
What do you mean, you could tell?

- In what way
could you tell?
- What? Oh.

Uh, well, it was
just little things,

you know, like when you tried to
take your pants off over your shoes...

and t... tripped and hit your
head on the coffee table.

Just little things like that.

It's great to be totally honest
with another person, isn't it?

It sure is.

Doris, I haven't been totally
honest with you. You haven't?

- I told you I was a married
man with two children.
- You're not?

I'm a married man
with three children.

I thought it would make
me seem less married.

All right, I didn't think
it through, all right?

There's been like a lead
weight inside me all morning.

I mean, denying
little Debbie like that!

I was under a certain stress
or I wouldn't have done it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Y-You understand?

Sure. We all do dopey
things sometimes.

Well...

I really should be going.

The nuns are gonna be
wondering what happened to me.

Nuns? Did you say nuns?

Yeah, somehow it just didn't
seem right to bring up last night,

but I was on my way to retreat.

Retreat? Yeah.

See, it's right near here.

I go every year at this time when
Harry takes the kids to Bakersfield.

What's in Bakersfield?
His mother.

It's her birthday.

Doesn't she mind that you
don't go? No, she hates me.

'Cause I got pregnant. Her son
had something to do with that.

Yeah, she blocks
that out of her mind.

See, he was in his first
year of dental college...

and he had to quit and take a
job selling waterless cooking.

So now every year on her
birthday, I just go on retreat.

To think about God?

Well, him too, sure,
but also about myself...

'cause, see, I got
pregnant when I was just 18,

so I've never really had
any time to just think.

You know, I mean, about,

well, what I think about.

Never mind. I don't know
what I'm trying to say.

Sometimes I think
I'm crazy. Why?

Oh. Well,

okay, like, take my life.

Now, we live in a two-bedroom
duplex in downtown Oakland,

and we have a 1948 Studebaker,

a blond, three-piece
dinette set,

Motorola TV.

We go bowling at
least once a week.

I mean, what more
could anyone ask for?

But sometimes...

things get me down.

Oh, I don't know. It's dumb.

I don't think it's dumb.

You don't? No.

You know, I can
really talk to you.

It's just amazing.

I find myself saying things to you
that I didn't even know I thought.

I noticed that yesterday right
after we met in the restaurant.

We had instant rapport.
Did you notice that too?

No, but I know
we really hit it off.

See, Harry's not much
of a talker, you know.

How 'bout your wife? Do
you two get to talk a lot?

Uh... Uh, Doris,
it's only natural...

that we should be curious about
each other's husband and wife,

but-but rather than dwelling on
it and letting it spoil everything,

why... why don't we...
Why don't we do this?

I'll tell you two
stories about my wife...

One showing the worst side of her,
the other showing the best side of her.

You do the same thing about
your husband, and then let's forget it.

Okay. I'll go first.

I'll start with the
worst side. Okay.

Phyllis knows about us. Oh, you
said that before. How could she know?

She's got this thing in
her head! Like a plate?

A plate? Oh, my
uncle has one of those.

He was wounded in the war,

and they put this
steel plate in his head.

Now he says he can always
tell when it's going to rain.

I'm in big trouble, Doris. Why?

Because I find everything
you say absolutely fascinating.

Come on! Tell me about
your wife's steel plate.

No, no, it's not a plate.
It's more like a bell. A bell.

I could be a million
miles away. If I look

at another woman, it
goes off like an alarm.

Oh, I see.

I just know that last night at exactly
1:22 a.m., she sat bolt upright in bed...

with her head going ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

How do you know it was 1:22?

Because I have peripheral vision,
and I noticed my watch said 4:47.

Oh.

Well, okay, now, tell me,
um, something nice about her.

Well... she made
me believe in myself.

It's probably hard for you to imagine this,
but there was a time I was very insecure.

How did she do that...
make you believe in yourself?

She married me.

Oh. Yes, well, that
was very nice of her.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant bolstering
you up and all, you know?

Okay, your turn. Tell
me the worst story first.

Okay. Um...

Ooh, this is hard. To pick one?

No, to think of one.

See, Harry's the salt of the
earth. Everybody says so.

Look, you owe me at
least one rotten story.

Oh, okay.

Uh...

Well, I don't know. This
isn't really rotten, but... Okay?

All right.

Now, this was on
our fourth anniversary.

We decided that we'd have
some people over to help celebrate.

So Harry doesn't usually drink,

but that night he
had three beers.

It was after the
Gillette fights.

Well, I just overheard him
talking to some of the guys,

and he said that his...

His time in the army were
the best years of his life.

What's wrong with that? A lot of
guys feel that way about the service.

Harry was in the
army for four years,

and three of 'em were spent
in a Japanese prison camp!

Okay. Now do you want to hear
the story about the good side of him?

Not particularly. Aw,
come on. You have to.

I don't want you to get the wrong
impression of him. Okay, if you insist.

I do. Okay.

Harry's this, like, big, heavyset
kind of guy, you know...

I really wish you hadn't
told me that. Why?

Oh! No, don't worry.
He's gentle as a puppy.

Anyway, uh, last year
he got this great idea...

that he'd take
Tony out to fly a kite.

See, Tony's our four-year-old.

And so they went out to the park to
fly a kite, but there wasn't any wind.

So it's about an hour later, and I was
on my way home from the laundromat.

I passed by...

and I see Tony sound
asleep in the car.

I look out in the park.

There's Harry all
alone in the park,

all red in the face
and out of breath,

and he's just pounding
up and down...

with this huge kite dragging
on the ground behind him.

Oh, I don't know. It
just really got to me.

Yeah, I know.

Helen has some nice
qualities too. Who's Helen?

My wife.

You said her name was Phyllis.

I know. I lied.

Phyllis! Helen! What's
the difference? I'm married!

Look, I was nervous. I was afraid
you'd try to look me up or something.

I didn't want to
leave any clues.

Is your name really
George? Well, of course it is.

You think I'd lie
about my own name?

Yes. That would be crazy!

Well, you're pretty crazy.

It's funny, isn't it?

Here we are in a hotel room,
gazing into each other's eyes.

We're both married, and
we have six kids between us.

Do you have any pictures?

What? Pictures of your kids.

Yeah, but I don't think
this is the time or place.

Come on, come on. If you show
me yours, I'll show you mine.

I keep mine in this little
folder we got free from Kodak.

Where's yours? You have
to take the whole wallet.

Ahh!

Ohh.

Is that the oldest one with
the glasses and baggy tights?

Yeah, that's Michael.
Funny-looking kid, isn't he?

No. What does he
wanna be, Superman?

No, Peter Pan.

I'm kinda worried about him.

Why is this one's
face all scrunched up?

That's Paul. That was
taken on a roller coaster.

Isn't it natural looking?

Right after that he threw up.

Yeah, he's really, um...

I guess he... I guess
he takes after Harry.

No, both of us, really.

What's your little
girl's name? Debbie.

That was on her second birthday. We were
trying to get her to blow out the candles.

She's got her hand in the
cake. Neat is not her strong suit.

Ohh.

You have great-looking
kids, George.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank you.

Okay, but this is the last time.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ The seasons have
come and gone ♪

♪ And the world
goes tumbling on ♪

♪ Look what's happened
since I last saw your smile ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Love's invited us back here ♪

♪ The same as
she did last year ♪

♪ To come and spend ♪

♪ A while ♪

♪ And the last time I felt like
this ♪ ♪ The very last time ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪

♪ I was falling ♪

Falling and feeling ♪

♪ I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last time I felt like
this ♪ ♪ The very last time ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

♪ What I'm feeling ♪

♪ What I'm feeling
now with you♪♪

Be sure and tell me
before you come out.

Right now. Wait
a minute. Not yet.

I'm getting bored.
Okay, come on out.

♪♪ ♪ If I knew you were
coming I'd have baked a cake ♪

♪ Baked a cake Baked a cake ♪

♪ If I knew you were coming
I'd have baked a cake ♪

♪ How d'you do How
d'you do How d'you do♪♪

That's wonderful.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Blow out the candles
and make a wish. All right.

What'd you wish? I
only have one wish.

What? That you keep on
showing up here every year.

What? You hate
my hair, don't you?

I told you, I love
your hair. Really?

I don't know. Next time I'm going
to go into the city to get it done.

How are the suburbs?
Oh, muddy, mostly.

Right now everyone's
very excited.

Next week they're
gonna connect the sewers.

It's not exactly the life of Scott
and Zelda, but we're surviving.

Uh, let's go over there.

Scott and Zelda, huh?
You started reading.

Oh, you don't
know the half of it.

I've joined the Book of the
Month Club. Good for you!

Sometimes I even take
the alternate selections.

Thank you.

Good evening, Mr. Peters, ma'am.

Hello, Mr. Chalmers.
Nice to see you again.

Good to be back.

Well, how 'bout you? Are
you still in New Jersey?

No. We moved to
Connecticut. Really?

We bought a barn and
converted it. Oh, what's it like?

Drafty.

Helen's got the
decorating bug now.

I have this mental picture
of her at my funeral,

as they're closing the lid to my
coffin, throwing in two fabric swatches...

and yelling out,
"Which one do you like?"

That's the bad story about
her. What else is new?

Oh, how's Michael?

Crazy as ever.

He had this homework assignment to write
about what he did on his summer vacation.

Trouble was, he wrote
what he actually did. What?

Tried to get laid.

He wrote in great comic detail
about his unfortunate tendency...

to get an erection on all
forms of public transportation.

The school almost suspended him.

You're crazy about
him, aren't you?

He's a very weird kid, Doris.

You know what? I think
that one really gets to you.

Come on, now. Admit it.

All right, I admit
it. He's a nice kid.

There. Was that so hard?

Mmm. What was that for?

For everything.

For this.

For one beautiful weekend
every year with no cares,

no ties,

no responsibilities.

Thank you, Doris.

Doris.

Gee, and I just
got all dressed up.

Mmm.

Oh, somebody has a
rotten sense of timing.

Damn.

Hello?

Yes, this is Daddy!

Is there anything wrong?

Funny?

That's probably because
Daddy was just, uh, uh...

I have a frog in my
throat, sweetheart.

Uh... wh...

Oh, it came out, huh?

Ohh. Well, of course
the tooth fairy will come.

Well, tonight, of course.

Well, sweetheart, I wish
Daddy could find it for you,

but I'm, uh... I'm working.

Honey, does Mommy
know you called?

Oh, I'll try. Yes, I love
you too, sweetheart.

Yes, I do!

Very much! Ye...

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Oh, God, I feel so guilty!

Was that Debbie?

Her tooth came out,
and she can't find it,

and she's afraid the
tooth fairy won't know.

Oh, God, that thin, reedy little
voice! You know what that does to me?

Sure, that cheerful look on your
face doesn't fool me for a minute.

You think this is funny?

Doris, my little girl,
said, "I love you, Daddy,"

and I answered her in a
voice still hoarse with passion.

I get the picture, George.

Don't you ever feel guilty?

Sometimes. Well,
you never say anything.

Well, I just handle it in
a different way. How?

Privately.

Boy, something like this
really brings you up short.

I mean, look at this.
Look at me. Look.

I tell you, Doris, when she
started talking about the tooth fairy,

that affected me in a
very profound manner.

On top of which, I have
indigestion you won't believe.

It hit me that hard, you know?

I have three children
too, you know, George?

What do you want me to do?

It would be terrific if you
stopped talking about it.

It is only making you feel
worse. I can't feel worse!

That pure little voice...
No, you're right. Oh!

No, forget it.
Change the subject.

So t-tell me about the
good story about Harry.

He went bankrupt.

How can you go
bankrupt selling TV sets?

Harry has one little
failing as a salesman.

It's a compulsion to talk people out
of things that they can't really afford.

He kind of lacks
the killer instinct.

Actually, it's one of the
things about him that I like best.

Oh, listen. Something
just occurred to me.

Instead of my leaving at my usual time,
would you mind if I left a little earlier?

When did you have in mind?
There's a plane in half an hour.

You want to leave
23 hours early?

There's a connecting flight
from San Francisco in 90 minutes.

I know how you
feel. Really, I do.

I wouldn't suggest it if you weren't
a mother and didn't understand.

It wouldn't even occur to me
if-if this crisis hadn't come up.

I don't mean just
the tooth fairy.

She could have
swallowed the tooth.

It could be lodged
God knows where.

Uh... have you
seen my hairbrush?

Doris, I'm probably
doing you a big favor.

If I did stay, I probably wouldn't be very
good company. I'm thinking of you too.

With the way I'm feeling...
You probably understand.

You feel somewhat
rejected, right?

I understand. Really, I do.

I just want you to know that my leaving
has nothing to do with you and me.

This is an emergency! I
have a sick child at home!

Will you stop?

This has nothing to do
with the goddamn tooth fairy!

You are simply feeling guilty,

and you wanna get as
far from me as possible.

All right! I feel guilty, yes!

Is that so strange?

Doris, we're cheating.

Once a year we
lie to our families...

and sneak off to a
hotel in California...

and commit adultery!

Not that I want
to stop doing it.

But yes, I feel
guilty. I admit it.

You admit it?

You take out ads.

I'll bet you stop
strangers on the street!

Y-You probably have a
scarlet "A" embroidered...

on your jockey shorts.

You go around like
an open nerve saying,

"Yes, I'm cheating, but
look how guilty I feel,

so I must really be a nice guy."

Then... Then to top it all, you
have the incredible arrogance...

of thinking you're the only person
in the world with a conscience.

Well, that doesn't make
you a nice guy, George!

You know what that
makes you? A horse's ass!

I liked you a lot better before you
joined the Book of the Month Club.

Yes, I'll just bet you did.

- Look, can we
discuss this in the car?
- The car?

I really hate to ask you, Doris,
but I need a lift to the airport.

Cheer up, Doris. It's not the end of the
world. I'm not leaving you permanently.

I'll see you next year.

No, I don't think you will.

Just because I have
to leave early one year,

you're willing to throw
away a lifetime of weekends?

How can you be so casual?

I don't see any point in
going on. Don't do that to me.

Don't try to manipulate me.
I get enough of that at home.

What's the sense of meeting in guilt and
remorse, huh? What joy is there in that?

Look, I have a commitment
there. And you have none here?

Here? I thought our only commitment
here was to show up every year.

Nice and tidy, huh?

Just two friendly sex partners that
meet every year and touch and let go.

Is that it? So maybe
I was kidding myself.

- I'm human.
- So am I.

But you're different.
You're stronger.

Y-You seem able to
take care of yourself.

Listen, I'm gonna
tell you something.

In the past year, I've picked up
the phone to call you 10 times.

I couldn't stop
thinking about you.

You kept slipping over into my real
life, and it scared the hell out of me.

More to the
point, I felt guilty.

So I decided that we shouldn't
see each other anymore.

I wasn't even going to come, but I
thought at least I owed you an explanation,

so I came.

When you walked through the door,
I knew I couldn't go through with it,

that no matter what the price,

I was willing to pay it.

You better get on your plane.

I love you, Doris. I'm an idiot.

I suspect I'm deeply
neurotic and I'm no bargain,

but I do love you.

Will you let me stay?

♪ Oh, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪

♪ Falling and feeling ♪

♪ I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With ♪

♪ You♪♪

No, of course I
haven't left Helen.

I'm on a business trip.

I come up here every year.

I am not running
away from the problem.

Of course I know it's serious.

I still don't think that's any reason
to call me long distance and try...

Yes, I saw a doctor.

He said... He said
it's no big deal.

He said every man has this
problem at one time or another and...

Look, if we have to discuss this, you might
as well learn to pronounce it correctly.

It's impotence, not im-po-tence.

It is not something you
have to nip in the bud!

Yes, of... of course I'm gonna
try to do something about it.

Would you let me handle this in
my own way? Would you pl... May I...

I... I'm gonna
be fine, all right?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna be
okay. I can feel it. I know it.

I'm seeing someone
out here who's an expert.

I'm gonna hang up now!

Good-bye, Mother!

Hello, Mr. Chalmers.
Afternoon, ma'am.

George?

Be right out, darling.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

How are you, lover?

Guess what.

Oh, my God!

What did you do to yourself?

Well, I can't
take all the credit.

It was sort of a mutual effort.

George, when you haven't
seen an old friend in a whole year,

isn't it customary to give
'em a kiss hello? What?

A kiss?

Kiss?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry.

Oh. Ohh.

You okay, pal? Oh, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm just a little
surprised. You're surprised.

I insisted upon visiting
the dead rabbit's grave.

George, how come you're wearing
your robe and pajamas in the afternoon?

I'm rehearsing a
Noël Coward play.

Is there something on your mind?

Uh, no, not anymore. No.

You must be eight
months pregnant.

Exactly.

Oh, come on! It's
not all that tragic.

We can find some other way
to communicate. Great. Great.

You got any ideas?

Is there something
else bothering you?

No. Mm-mmm. No.

Well, you know, every year
it is always a little awkward...

when we first meet.

We manage to take care of that with a
lot of heavy breathing between the sheets.

Uh, Doris, uh...

If we're not gonna do it, do
you mind if we don't talk about it?

No, I just meant maybe we need
something else to help break the ice.

Well, I'm wide open
to suggestions. Okay.

How 'bout this?

How about if, uh, if I tell you some
deep, dark secret about myself...

that I've never
told anyone before,

and then you tell me
some secret about yourself.

- I've had enough surprises.
- You're gonna like this one.

I've been having sex
dreams about you.

Oh, yeah? Almost
every night too.

What kind of sex dreams?
That's what's so strange.

They're always the same.

I mean, we're making love,
but it's always underwater.

It's in caves, grottos,
swimming pools,

but always underwater.

Isn't that weird?

I think it probably has something
to do with my being pregnant.

Always underwater, huh? Come on.

You tell me some deep,
dark secret about yourself.

I can't swim.

I'll start with the
good story about her.

You've never done that
before. You must be mellowing.

Doris, do you mind?
No, I don't mind.

We went to London,

and as we were
checking into the hotel,

there was a man in a formal
coat and striped pants...

standing at the front
entrance of the hotel.

Helen handed him her suitcase
and breezed into the lobby.

The man followed her
in and politely explained

that not only didn't
he work at the hotel,

but that he was the
Danish ambassador.

And without batting
an eye, Helen said,

"Well, that's marvelous! You can tell us
the good places to eat in Copenhagen."

And he did!

The point is, it doesn't
bother her at all...

if she makes a
total ass of herself.

I really admire that.

And what is it that
you don't admire?

It's that damn sense
of humor of hers.

Good. These are always
the stories I like best.

We'd been to a party,

and we'd had a few drinks.

So we went to bed and
we started making love,

and nothing happened.

I mean, for me.

I mean, I couldn't...

Well, you get the picture.
Yeah. It was no big deal.

I mean, we laughed about it.

Then about a half hour later,
just as I was going to sleep,

Helen turned to me
and said, "It's funny.

When I married a C.P.A., I always thought
it would be his eyes that would go first."

Well... she was just trying
to make you feel better.

Well, it didn't. Some
things aren't funny.

What I'm trying to say is the thing
that bugs me the most about Helen...

is that she broke my pecker.

- You're impotent.
- Slightly.

That's five people who know.

You, me, Helen and her
mother. Who's the fifth?

Chet Huntley. I'm sure her mother has
given him the bulletin for the 6:00 news.

Honey, when did
this happen? Happen?

Doris, we're not talking
about a throughway accident.

You don't wake up one
morning and say, "Shoot,

the family jewels
have gone on the blink."

It's a gradual thing.

And how's Helen reacting to it?

We haven't discussed it much.

I got the impression she regards it
as a lapse in one's social responsibility.

Rather like letting your partner down
in tennis by not holding your serve.

I'll be all right.

The patient's not
dead, just resting.

Doris, that statement hardly
calls for congratulations.

No, I need help getting up.

Is there anything I can say that
would make you feel any better?

You can say anything you want
except, "It's all in your head."

I'm no doctor, but I have
a great sense of direction.

What shall we talk about?

Anything but sex.

How do you feel being pregnant?

Oh, catatonic,

incredulous,

angry,

pragmatic and...

finally maternal.

Pretty much in that order.
Your vocabulary is improving.

Oh, you don't know.

You happen to be speaking
to a high school graduate.

No kidding. How come?

I was confined to my bed for the
first three months of my pregnancy,

so it shouldn't be a total loss, I
took a correspondence course.

You're really something,
you know that?

- There's kind of an
ironic twist to all this.
- What?

I didn't graduate from high school
the first time because I got pregnant.

Now I did graduate from high
school because I got pregnant.

I don't know. That kind of
appeals to my sense of order.

Harry still selling real estate?

No. Insurance.

He likes it, though.

Gives him a chance to look
up all his old army buddies.

Are you comfortable
in that position?

When you're in my condition,
you're not comfortable in any position.

Come on. Sit over here.

Oh, that's good.

Now, tell me, how are the kids?

They're fine. Michael just got
a job with the Associated Press.

Really? Oh, that's
terrific! Isn't that great?

Gee, I feel so proud of him.

What?

George, why are you
looking at me like that?

No reason.

I ju... It's too... I
was won... uh...

Fir-First I was try...
Nothing! Forget it. It's all right.

Just, uh, tell me the... tell
me the other story about Harry.

You know.

George, what is it?
You're still doing it.

It's obscene! What is?

When I touched you just
now, I started to get excited.

What kind of a pervert am I?

Staring at a 200-pound pregnant
woman, and I'm getting hot.

Well, I'll tell you something.

That is about the nicest thing
anybody's said to me in months.

It's not funny, Doris.

I really got to ya, huh, fella?

Uh, would you excuse me?

♪♪

That's incredible! Are you
as good as I think you are?

How good do you
think I am? Sensational.

I'm not as good
as you think I am.

But that piano's been sitting here for
10 years, and you've hardly touched it.

Why tonight? It
beats a cold shower.

You mean, you play to
relieve sexual tension?

You don't even get this
good without a lot of practice.

You're gonna be
exhausted. That's the idea.

I've got a better idea. Come on.

Doris... Come on. It's
all right. It'll be okay.

But... But you can't...

Well, I know that.
Well, then how...

Well, we can work
something out, can't we?

Oh. What... What is it?

Aah! For God's sake, what is it?

Doris, what the
hell is the matter?

If memory serves me
correctly, I just had a labor pain.

You can't have. It must be
indigestion. No. There's a difference.

Indigestion doesn't
make your eyes bug out.

You can't be in labor.
When... When's the baby due?

Not for another month, but...

Oh! Oh, my God!
What have I done?

What have you done? I brought
this on with my selfishness.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You had nothing to do with it.

Doris, don't treat me like a child.
Will you stop getting excited?

Excited? I thought I had
problems with my sex life before.

Can you imagine what this is
gonna do to it? Just... Will you just...

Ohh. Oh, I think
I'd better lie down.

What kind of a man am I? What kind
of a man would do a thing like this?

May I say something? Doris, I
appreciate what you're trying to do,

but nothing you can say
would make me feel any better.

I'm not trying to make you feel
any better. I'm gonna have a baby.

I know that. No. I mean now.

I have a history of short labor.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

No, no, no, no! Oh, no! No!

How do you feel?

Like I'm gonna have a baby.

Maybe it's a false alarm.
It's a false alarm. That's all.

No. No.

No. Now, just get ahold of yourself,
honey, and get on the phone...

and find out where
the nearest hospital is.

Hospital? You wanna
go to a hospital?

George, like it or not,

I am going to have a baby!

But we're not married.
That's going to look odd.

Will you get on
the phone, please,

and find out where
the hospital is!

- Well, where are you going?
- To the bathroom!

Why?

It's hard to explain.

Hello. Mr. Chalmers,
this is George.

Uh, where's the
nearest hospital?

Uh, well, it's... it's my wife.
Something unexpected came up.

She got pregnant, and now
she's gonna have the baby.

That far?

All right. Look. Get him on
the phone right away, will ya?

Doris, are you all right?

Doris? Doris, answer me!

I'm busy! Oh, Jesus!

Hello? Yes, yes!
Uh, hello. Uh... hello.

Um, I'm here at the Sea Shadows
Inn just outside of Mendocino.

I was in my room before, and I
heard this groaning from the next room.

And, um, well, I
knock on the door,

and I found this lady... who
I've never seen before in my life...

Uh, in labor.

Do you have to know that?

George Peters. So...
George Peters. Peters.

I don't know. I didn't time them.
Three or four minutes apart, I guess.

I don't know.

All right. Uh... Uh, hold on.

Doris? Doris, who's your doctor?

Joseph Harrington.
Uh, Joseph Harrington.

In Oakland. In,
uh... in Oakland.

534-071 1. 534-0711.

Um... Yes, uh, I-I have a car.
I'd be glad to take her over there.

Sure. Uh, could you... could
you just answer one question?

Would... Would erotic contact
in the last stages of pregnancy...

bring on premature...

No reason. Just
interested. Just, you know...

Okay. I'll get her right
over there. Okay. Bye.

All right. It's okay.
They're gonna call your

doctor, and he's gonna
meet us at the hospital.

We're not gonna make it to
the hospital. My water just broke.

Oh, my God! We're gonna
have to find a doctor in the area.

Oh, my... Ohh, my
God. You look awful!

What if we can't find one?
You're not gonna faint, are you?

Doris, I'm not a cabdriver! I
don't know how to deliver babies!

George, this is no time to start
acting like Butterfly McQueen.

Now, you just get on the
phone and find a doctor.

Ohh.

Hello. Uh, Mr. Chalmers,
where's the nearest doctor?

Well, get... Look. Get him
on the phone for me, will you?

This is an emergency.

It's all right. It's okay. Hold on.
Hold on. It's okay, baby. No! No!

This will teach you
to fool around with a

married woman! Shh!
What's the matter with you?

Get that down! Get down!
Get down! Put that down!

Calm down. Relax. Just
keep that down. Hel...

What do you mean,
his answering service?

W... No, no. Wait. Wait a
second. You don't understand.

This is an emergency. She's
in the last stages of labor!

Well, get in your car and drive
down to the goddamn pier and get him!

Just get him! It's
okay. It's all right.

Relax.

He's... The doctor's on his boat,
but he's just down... down the road,

and, uh... and, uh... Chalmers
is gonna drive down there in his...

God... in his car and get him.

He'll be right here.

What?

What? What? What? What?

I feel the baby! No!

George, I'm scared.

Honey, do something.

- I'll be right back.
- George, don't leave me.

- I'm right here, baby. I'm right here.
- George!

What are those for?
We're gonna have a baby.

- "We"?
- Yeah, but I'm
gonna need your help.

Give me your hand.
Look into my eyes.

You're gonna be fine.

There's nothing to worry
about. We're together. Okay.

You think I play the
piano well? Yeah.

Wait till you see the
way I deliver babies.

Hey, man. What do ya say?

Mmm. So... wanna fuck?

What? You didn't
understand the question?

Of course I did. I just think it's a
damned odd way to start a conversation.

Oh. Gee, I thought it was
a great little icebreaker.

Aren't you horny
after your long flight?

I didn't fly. I drove.
From Connecticut?

No. From Los Angeles. We moved
to Beverly Hills about six months ago.

Ohh. How come?

A number of reasons. I got tired of
standing knee-deep in the snow...

trying to scrape the ice off my
windshield with a credit card.

Besides, there are people here with a lot
of money who don't know what to do with it.

And you tell 'em? I'm what
they call a business manager.

- How's it goin'?
- Can't complain. Why?

You look kind of shitty.

Is everything all right?

When did you start
dressing like an Indian?

You look like a refugee
from the Sunset Strip.

Oh, no. I've gone back
to school... Berkeley.

Why? Why?

You mean, what do I
want to be when I grow up?

Well, you have to admit it's a bit
odd becoming a schoolgirl at your age.

Hey, listen. You think it's easy being
the only one in your class with clear skin?

What made you do it? Actually, it
was a dinner party that made me decide.

Harry's boss invited us over for
dinner, and I just freaked. Why?

Well, I'd spent so much time at home
with the kids that I really wasn't sure...

I was capable of
carrying on an intelligent

conversation with
anyone over the age of five.

So, anyway, we went, and I
got seated right next to the boss.

But, you know, I surprised myself.
I mean, he talked and I talked.

It was just like a
regular conversation.

I thought everything was cool,

till I noticed that he was looking
at me in kind of a weird way.

I looked down at his plate and discovered
that all the time we had been talking,

I'd been cutting
up his meat for him.

That's when I decided that
I'd better get out of the house.

Yeah, but why school?
Oh, I don't know.

I felt restless and undirected, and I
thought school would give me some answers.

What sort of answers? You
know, like where it's really at.

Jesus. What?

That expression.

Okay. I wanted to find
out who the hell I am.

You don't get answers
like that from the classroom.

Well, I'm not in a
classroom all the time.

I'll tell ya, the protests
and demonstrations...

are a learning
experience in themselves.

Protests against what?

The war. Didn't you hear
about it? It was in all the papers.

Demonstrations aren't
gonna stop the war.

Oh, really? Have
you got a better idea?

Look, I didn't drive all the
way up here to discuss politics.

Well, so far you've turned
down sex and politics.

Would you like to try religion?

I think I'll try a Librium.

Jesus.

Ohh. Honey, why
are you so uptight?

That's another expression
I hate. "Uptight"?

There's no such word. You
remind me of my mother.

When I was nine, I asked
her what "fuck" meant.

You know what she said?
"There's no such word."

And now you know
there is, you feel

compelled to use it in
every other sentence?

What is bugging you? "Bugging"
me? I'll tell you what's bugging me.

The blacks are
burning down the cities.

There's a Harvard professor telling
my kids the only way to happiness...

is to become doped-up zombies.

And I have a teenage son with
hair so long that from the back,

he looks exactly
like Yvonne De Carlo.

You know that's a sign of
age, don't you? What is?

When you start worrying about
the declining morality of the young.

Besides, there is nothing
you can do about it.

We can start setting
some examples.

As I recall, when you
were a little younger,

you were not exactly a
monk about that sort of thing.

That was different.

Our relationship is not based
on a casual one-night stand.

No. It's been 15
one-night stands.

It's not the same.
We shared things.

My God. I helped deliver
your child. Remember?

Remember?

I consider that our finest hour.

- How is she?
- Georgette?

Ooh, she's very healthy,
very noisy and very spoiled.

Don't you feel guilty leaving
her alone when you go to school?

No. Harry's home a lot.

How does Harry feel
about all this? Oh.

When I told him I wanted to go
back to school to get some identity,

he said to me, "You want identity,
go build a bridge, invent penicillin.

Just get off my back."

I always said Harry had a
good head on his shoulders.

That was supposed to
be the bad story about him.

How's Helen?

Helen's fine, just fine.

Hmm. Why don't you tell me a story
that shows how really rotten she can be?

That's not like you.

I know, but it seems like we need
something to bring us together.

I thought a really lousy story about
Helen would make you appreciate me more.

Okay. As you know, she
has this funny sense of humor.

By funny, I take it you
mean peculiar. Right.

And it comes out at the
most inappropriate times.

I had just signed this client...
very proper, very old money.

Helen and I were invited to his house
for cocktails with him and his wife.

Well, it was all pretty awkward,

but we managed to get
through the drinks all right.

Then, as we were leaving,
instead of walking out the front door,

I walked into the hall closet.

Well, that wasn't so bad.
Anybody could've done that.

My mistake was
I stayed in there.

You stayed in the closet?

I wasn't sure anybody
had seen me go in. Aha.

I guess I figured I'd stay in
there until they'd all gone away.

All right. Maybe I didn't
think things through.

I was there a minute before I realized
I had probably misjudged the situation.

And then when I came out, the
three of them were just staring at me.

Well, it was pretty awkward, but I probably
could've carried it off except for Helen.

- You know what she did?
- What?

She peed on the carpet.

She did what?
Well, not right away.

First, she started to laugh.

Her face was all screwed
up. She was holding her sides.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks.
And then she peed all over the carpet.

What did you say?

I said, "You'll have
to excuse my wife.

Ever since her last pregnancy,
she's had a problem."

Then I offered to
have the rug cleaned.

- Did that help?
- No. They said they had a maid,
and it wouldn't be necessary.

You think this is funny? Listen.

I've been meaning to tell
you this for a long time.

I just love Helen.

Would she come off any worse
if I told you I lost the account?

Oh, George, when
did you get so stuffy?

Stuffy? Yeah.

Am I stuffy because I don't like my
wife to urinate on my client's carpet?

Well, I didn't mean
just that, honey, but...

Well, look at you. You
just scream establishment.

I am not a faddist.

- What do you mean?
- I mean I have no desire to
be those middle-aged idiots...

who walk around in bell-bottomed
trousers and Prince Valiant haircuts...

saying "ciao."

Well, I wasn't just talking about fashion.
I was talking about your attitudes.

My attitudes are the same as they
always were. I haven't changed at all.

Oh, yes, you have. You used to
be kind of, well, crazy and insecure...

and a terrible liar,
but awfully human.

Now you... I don't know. You
just seem so sure of yourself.

- That's the last thing I am.
- Oh, yeah?

I picked up one of Helen's magazines the
other day, and there was this article...

telling women what sort of
orgasms they should have.

It was called "The Big 'O.'"

You know what really
got me about that?

This was a magazine my mother
used to buy for its fruitcake recipes.

Well, the times, in fact,
are a-changing, darling.

Too fast.

I don't know. Twenty, thirty
years ago, we had standards.

Maybe they were black and white,
but at least they were standards.

Now...

It's so confusing.

Well...

That's at least a step
in the right direction.

When did I suddenly
become so appealing?

When you went from
pompous to confused.

All right. Now, tell me, sir.

What's your pleasure?

A walk by the ocean...

or a good book...

or...

me?

You. Oh, I thought
you'd never ask.

What?

Doris, you're not wearing a bra.

George, you're so 40s.

I'm a very old-fashioned man.

Next, you'll be telling me
you voted for Goldwater.

I did.

You're putting me on.

No. Of course not.

What are you doing?

If you think I'm going to bed with any
son of a bitch who voted for Goldwater,

you're crazy.

Doris, don't do
this to me. Not now.

How could you vote for
a man like that? Yuck!

Can we discuss this later?
No. We'll discuss it right now.

- Why did you vote for him?
- Because I have a son who wants
to be a rock musician.

What kind of reason is that? The best
one I can come up within my condition.

I'm sorry, George, you're gonna
have to do a whole lot better than that.

All right. He wanted to end the war,
okay? Sure, by destroying the country.

He never said that. That's the trouble
with you people. You never listen.

It's a civil war. We have no
right being there in the first place.

Oh, I'm so sick of
hearing that liberal crap.

We have the bomb. Why don't
we use it? Are you serious?

You're damned right I am. Wipe the
sons of bitches off the face of the earth.

Oh, my God! I don't
know anything about you!

- What kind of man are you?
- Right now,
a very frustrated one.

All this time, I thought I was
going to bed with a liberal Democrat.

Wait a minute. You told me
you worked for Stevenson.

That was years ago. So what
happened? What changed you?

I grew up. Oh, yeah? Well,
as far as I'm concerned,

you didn't turn out too hot.

Let's just forget it, huh?
Oh, I'm not gonna forget it!

I mean, being stuffy and old-fashioned is
one thing, but being a fascist is another.

I am not a fascist! Well,
you're advocating mass murder!

Let's just drop it. No, I'm
not... I'm not going to drop it.

You stand for everything
that I'm against.

Maybe you're against the wrong
things. But you used to believe as I do.

Now, what happened? I changed!

But why? Because
Michael was killed!

How?

He was helping a wounded man onto a Red
Cross helicopter, and a sniper killed him.

When?

We got word during
a Fourth of July party.

Helen went completely to pieces.

I thought I was in shock and
that I'd feel it later, you know?

I never did.

I've never shed a tear.

All I've ever been able
to feel is blind anger.

I never shed a tear.

Isn't that something?

He was my son. I love him.

And for the life of me...

I can't seem to cry for him.

Oh.

Doris, I'm sorry. No.

About... About everything.

I've been a bit on edge lately.

Just seems to be one damn...

♪ Dreams make promises ♪

♪ They can't keep ♪

♪ They can swindle you ♪

♪ While you sleep ♪

♪ And the morning finds you ♪

♪ Wondering why ♪

♪ It seems ♪

♪ When we're young
in dreams we trust ♪

♪ Maybe growing up is just ♪

♪ Kissing certain dreams ♪

♪ Good-bye♪♪

You know, it's amazing how good
it can be after 21 years, isn't it?

Well, if you add up all the times
we actually made it together,

we're still on our honeymoon.

Did I tell you I'm a
grandmother? No.

But I think you picked a
weird time to announce it.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Anyway, you're the
youngest-looking

grandmother I've had
a peak experience with.

Well, my mother thanks
you. My father thanks you.

My hairdresser thanks you. And
my plastic surgeon thanks you.

When Harry says, "You're not the girl I
married," he doesn't know how right he is.

Didn't Harry like your old nose?
Harry thinks this is my old nose.

He never noticed?
No. Isn't that pathetic?

I mean, a new dress or something, I
could understand, but a whole nose?

Well, to be totally honest, I
don't see any difference either.

Well, I don't care. It's
sure different from my side.

Makes me feel more attractive.

Anyway, that's this year's
bad story about Harry.

Have you got one about Helen?

Well, there was this
loud party next door.

Helen couldn't sleep.

And, uh, she didn't
wanna take a sleeping pill...

because she had to get
up at 6:00 in the morning.

So she took a couple of pills
and stuffed them in her ears.

What?

During the night,
the pills melted.

Then the next day, while the doctor
was digging the stuff out of her ears,

he said, "You know,
these can be taken orally."

Helen just laughed.
She didn't care.

I'll tell you something. If that's the
worst story you can tell about your wife,

you must be a very happy man.

Well, let's just say I've discovered
the potential for happiness.

Yes, Liz?

No, honey. It's
60 guests, not 16.

There's no problem. We've catered
parties for her lots of times. It...

I know, but she puts little
tables around her swimming pool,

and then there's room
on the patio for the buffet.

Right. It's a brunch.

Right. That's okay. Sure.

Uh, Liz, did Harry call?

Okay. You know
where to reach me, huh?

I'm sorry. It was a busy weekend,
and I had to leave a number.

Does Harry know you're here?
No. Harry still thinks I go on retreat.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried. Yeah?
Then why are you frowning?

I'm getting bad
vibes again. Again?

Yeah. When you first walked in, I
picked up on your high tension level.

Then after we made love, I
sensed a certain anxiety reduction,

but, uh, now I'm getting
definite negative feedback.

When did you go into analysis?

- How did you know
I was in analysis?
- Just a wild guess.

What made you start?

My value system changed. One day,
I took a look at my $150,000 house...

and the three cars in the garage and
the swimming pool and the gardeners,

and I asked myself, "Why?"

I mean, did I really want
the whole status trip?

So I decided to try to find out
what I did want and who I was.

So you went from analysis
to Esalen to Gestalt...

to encounter groups to
transactional to nirvana, huh?

Just because some people are trying
to widen their emotional horizons...

doesn't make the
experience any less valid.

I've learned a lot.
So I've noticed.

For one thing, you've learned to talk as
though you're reasoning with somebody...

about to jump from a high ledge.

Okay, okay. I know sometimes I tend
to overcompensate for my emotionalism.

Occasionally, there's a loss of
spontaneity. I'm working on that.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.
What else have you learned?

That behind the walls
I've built around myself,

I'm a warm, caring,
loving human being.

Well, I could've told
you that 20 years ago.

Tell me. How's Helen reacting
to your voyage of self-discovery?

Well, at first, she tended to
overreact. Oh, yeah? In what way?

She threw a grapefruit
at me in the supermarket.

Listen. It's only
natural that there'd be

some interpersonal
conflicts to work through,

but now it's cool.

- Helen's into pottery.
- Oh. And what are you doing
for a living?

♪♪ We live very simply, Doris.

We don't need much. What bread we do need,
I can provide by simple, honest labor.

Like what? I play cocktail piano
in a singles bar in the Valley.

Yes, Liz?

No. No. Tell 'em
that's our final offer.

Oh, that's a lot of bull. I know
it's a good piece of property,

but he needs us more
than we need him.

Well, if he doesn't like it, tell him to
shove it. And don't worry. He won't.

Okay, hon. Thanks.
Anything else?

All right. Well, I'll
be at this number.

Okay.

I'm buying another store. Why?

- Money.
- Is that why you went
into business? To make money?

No. I wanted power too. I take it
you are for women's liberation?

- Hey, I'm for any kind
of liberation.
- That's a cop-out.

Women have always been
exploited by men, and you know it.

Doris, we've all been shafted,
and by the same things.

Look. Let me lay this on
you. I go to a woman doctor.

Oh, yeah? First time she
gave me a rectal examination,

she said, "Am I hurting
you or are you tense?"

I said, "I'm tense." She said, "Are
you tense because I'm a woman?"

I said, "No. I get tense when
anybody does that to me."

See what I mean? Well,
I don't know about that,

but I do know in this country,
nobody takes a woman seriously...

until she has enough
money to back up her mouth.

Hey, I think it's great
to have a hobby.

A hobby?

We grossed a half
million the first year.

Doris, don't misunderstand me. If that's
what you want, I'm very happy for you.

I'm just not into the
money thing anymore.

Do you ever get the
feeling we're drifting apart?

No. In many ways, I've
never felt closer to you.

I don't know. Somehow it seems
to me our lives are out of sync.

Look. We all realize our potential
in different ways at different times.

The important thing is, does what
you do give you a sense of fulfillment?

Well, I'm working on it. And
you have everything you want?

With one minor exception.

Somewhere along the way, I
seem to have lost my husband.

- Lost him?
- Well, I don't know
if I lost him...

or I simply misplaced him.

He left home four days ago,
and I haven't heard from him since.

How do you feel about
that? George, do me a favor.

Stop talking as though
you're leading a human

potential group. It
really pisses me off.

That's cool. What's cool?

For you to transfer your feelings of
hostility and aggression from Harry to me.

As long as you know that's what
you're doing. You know something?

You're really beginning
to get on my nerves.

That's cool too. Jesus.

I mean it. At least it's honest. Total
honesty is the key to everything.

Really? Are you being
totally honest with Helen?

- I'm trying.
- Oh, yeah? Have you told her
about us?

No, but I could. I think today
she's mature enough to handle it.

George, you're full of shit.

I can buy that.

I mean, if you're
being totally honest.

Believe me. I am
being totally honest.

Well, at least it's a start.

And what about all
that other garbage?

"I don't know if I lost him
or simply misplaced him."

What kind of crap is that?
All right. You've got a point.

So how do you feel about
all this? You're doing it again!

Okay. I think... Don't
tell me how you think.

Tell me how you feel.

Like I've been
kicked in the stomach.

What else?

Angry. Hurt. Betrayed.

And, okay, a little guilty.
But I'll tell you something.

I really resent the fact that
he's making me feel guilty.

Why do you feel resentment?

Well, look. I didn't marry Harry
because he had a good head for business.

Okay. So it turns out that I do, or
maybe I was lucky. I don't know.

The point is, I don't love him any less
just 'cause he's a failure as a provider,

so why should he love me
less just 'cause I'm a success?

Have you told him you
still love him? Love him.

What's he think I've been
hanging around for 27 years for?

Would it be so hard to let him
know you understand how he feels?

Right now it would, yes.

Do you want him back?

I don't know.

But ask me again tomorrow, and I'll
probably give you a different answer.

Why?

Because tomorrow
I won't have you.

- I'm always with you
in spirit.
- Thanks a lot.

It's kind of difficult to put your
cold feet on somebody's spirit,

especially when
they're 400 miles away.

Is that a proposal, Doris?

Are you interested? Are you?

I've always thought
we'd make a nice couple.

You didn't answer the question.

I was the one who proposed.

Well, don't look so
panicky, George.

I was only
three-quarters serious.

Well, when you're completely
serious, ask me again.

I bet you say
that to all the girls.

No.

Thank you. You hungry?

Yes. Well, you're in luck.

Because today, your lunch is
being catered by the chicest,

most expensive French
delicatessen in all of San Francisco.

How did we swing that?
The owner's got a thing for ya.

It's out in the trunk
of my car. Can I help?

Why, you could set the table
and turn on some nice music...

and when I come back,
make me laugh, huh?

I'll try. Don't worry.

If you can't make me
laugh, just hold my hand.

Hello?

Uh, no, she's not here
right now. Who's this?

Harry? Um...

Uh, would you... would you
just hold on for a minute, please?

Hello?

Harry, we're two mature adult human
beings, and I've decided to be honest.

No. Doris is not here right
now, but I'd like to talk to you.

Because I know
that you and Doris are

having a pretty rough
time right now, and...

Uh, we're very close friends.

I've known Doris for 20 years, and
I feel that through her, I know you.

We've been meeting this
same weekend for 20 years.

The retreat? Uh, yeah.

I'll, uh... I'll get to that
in a minute, but, um,

first I'd like to tell
you something, Harry.

She loves you.

Well, I just know. Look. Maybe if I
told you a story she told me this morning,

maybe it would
help you understand.

Uh, a few months ago, Doris was
supposed to act as den mother...

for your 10-year-old daughter
and her Indian Guide group.

And Doris was a little late.
She was hung up at the store,

and she got home
about two hours late.

When she walked into
the house, she looked in

the living room, and
you know what she saw?

A rather overweight, balding, middle-aged
man with a feather on his head...

sitting cross-legged on the
floor, very gravely and gently...

telling a circle of totally
absorbed girls what it was like...

to be in a World War II
Japanese prison camp.

And she turned around and
went outside and got in her car...

and thanked God for being
married to a man like you.

Are you still there, Harry?

Yeah, well, look. Sometimes married
people get into an emotional straitjacket,

and it's kind of hard for them to express
how they truly feel about each other.

Total honesty is the key.

Yes, I've known
Doris for 20 years,

and I'm not ashamed to admit that
it's been one of the most intimate,

satisfying
experiences of my life.

My name?

My name is Father
Michael O'Herlihy.

Right. Oh.

It never changes, does it?
About the only thing that doesn't.

I find that comforting.

Even old Chalmers
hasn't changed.

He must be 75 by now.

You remember when we first met?
Even then, we called him old Chalmers.

He must've been the same
age then that we are now.

That I don't find so comforting.

We were very young. Yeah.

Have we changed
much? Oh, sure we have.

I grew up with you. Remember
all those dumb lies I used to tell?

Yeah. How about me?
Have I grown up too?

I had the feeling you were
already grown up when we met.

Why is it every time I look at you, I
want to put my hands all over you?

That's another thing that hasn't
changed. You always were a sex maniac.

I'll start a fire. Okay.

You know, I figured out with
the cost of firewood today,

it's cheaper to buy furniture,
break it up and burn it.

Are things that
tight? No. I'm okay.

I've been doing some
teaching at U.C.L.A. Ah.

What? Music? Accounting.

With the way things
are happening out there,

it seems that figures are still
the only things that don't lie.

Doris, why'd you
sell your business?

How did you know about
that? I'll tell you later.

What made you do it?
A chain bought me out.

It was just the right
offer at the right time.

But what do you do with yourself
now? Oh, I read and watch TV...

and visit my grandchildren,
play a little golf.

You know, all the jet set stuff.

I thought you loved working.

Well, there was another factor.

Harry had a heart attack. It
turned out to be a mild one,

but he needed
me at the time, so...

Besides, it's not like I'm
in permanent retirement.

There's a local election in a couple of
months, and I've been approached to run.

On what ticket? Independent.

Figures.

Harry's okay now? Oh, yeah.

He runs four miles a day
and has a body like Mark Spitz.

Unfortunately, he still has a
face like Ernest Borgnine, but...

How's everything with
you and Harry emotionally?

Comfortable. Comfortable?

Well, that's not such
a bad state to be in.

That word's been given a
bad reputation by the young.

Where's your
luggage? Still in the car?

I didn't bring
any. I can't stay.

Why not? Look, I
have a lot to say...

and a very short time to
say it, so I'd better start.

In the first place,
it turns out that...

Helen found out
about us 10 years ago.

When did you learn
that? Two months ago.

And she never confronted
you with it before?

No. What made her tell you now?

She didn't. We have a
very close friend, Connie.

- Did... Have I
ever mentioned her?
- No.

Well, Connie told me.

All those years, and she
never even hinted that she knew.

I guess that's the nicest
story I've ever told about her.

- Your wife
is an amazing woman.
- She passed away, Doris.

I lost her six months ago.

It was very fast.

I'm sorry to blurt
it out like that. I

couldn't think of a
graceful way to tell you.

It's so strange.

I never even met Helen, and I
feel like I've just lost my best friend.

Are the kids okay? The kids
are great. If it weren't for them,

I don't know if I'd have
gotten through this whole thing.

I wish you'd tried to
reach me. Well, I did.

That's how I found
out you'd sold the store.

They gave me your
home number, and I...

I let the phone ring four
times, and then I hung up.

But I felt better knowing you
were there if I needed you.

Oh, I wish you'd spoken to
me. Well, I didn't want to intrude.

I didn't think I had the right.

That's just terrible. We
should've been together.

You know, I've been
thinking about us a lot lately,

everything we've been through
together, things we've shared,

times we've helped each other.

Did you know we made
love 113 times? What?

I figured that out on
my Bomar calculator.

I think it's wonderful when
people know each other that well.

You know, there's nothing
about you I don't know.

You take two sugars,
right? No. One.

Okay. Uh...

Oh, well, okay. Maybe I don't
know everything about you.

You know, I don't know who
your favorite movie stars are.

And I couldn't remember the
name of your favorite perfume.

- I racked my brain,
and I couldn't think of it.
- That's funny.

It's My Sin.

But I do know that in 26 years,
I've never been out of love with you.

I think that's incredible.

- So what do you say, Doris?
- You wanna get married?

Married? We shouldn't
even be doing this.

I'm serious.

Oh, my God. You are.

Well, what'd you think I
was, just a summer romance?

A simple yes will do.

There is no such thing, my love.

What is it?

I was just thinking of how many times
I've dreamed of your asking me this.

You know, that's pulled me through a lot
of bad times. I wanna thank you for that.

What did you say
those other times?

I always said yes.

Why are you hesitating now? Do you
realize I'm offering you the opportunity...

to marry a man who has
known you for 26 years...

and can't walk by you without
wanting to grab your ass?

You always were a sweet talker.

Doris, will you marry me?

I can't.

Why not?

I'm already married.

You feel you have to stay
with him because he needs you?

No. No. It's a lot of things.

Affection.

Respect.

And a sense of continuity.

I mean, we share all
the same memories.

It's comfortable.

Goddamn it. I was the one who
brought you back together six years ago.

Why did I do such a stupid
thing? Why was I so generous?

Because you felt the same way then about
Helen as I do now about Harry, that's why.

And besides, if you hadn't, you
might've been stuck with me for good,

and that idea
scared you to death.

You always could see
through me, couldn't you?

But that's okay, 'cause...

I've always loved
what I've seen.

Well, I want you now.

You can still have me once a
year, same time, same place.

Doris, I need a wife.

I'm just not the kind of
man who can live alone.

What I'm trying to say is that without
you, I'll probably end up with Connie.

Look, she knows all about us, and,
uh, she's not the kind of person...

who would go along with it.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is that...

we'll never see
each other again.

Doris, for God's sake, marry me.

I can't.

I wish there were something I
could say that would make you...

burst into tears and
run away with me.

Well, you know us
Irish. We never cry.

Yeah, well...

I have to catch a plane.

Who were your
favorite movie stars?

Laurence Olivier.

Marlon Brando.

Cary Grant.

Lon McCallister.

Okay. I'm back, goddamn it.

- What about Connie?
- Connie is 87 years old.

What? Look. I wanted
you to marry me,

and I figured if you thought somebody
else wanted me, I'd stand a better chance.

Okay. Maybe I didn't
think things through.

I was desperate, okay?

Look. I don't even wanna discuss it. I'm
back, and I'm gonna keep coming back...

every year until our bones
are too brittle to risk contact.

♪ Hello ♪

♪ It all started with hello ♪

♪ On an evening long ago ♪

♪ When an unexpected smile ♪

♪ Caught my eye ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ If I'd smiled
and looked away ♪

♪ We would not be here today ♪

♪ To never say good-bye ♪

♪ For the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪
♪ I was falling ♪

♪ Falling and feeling I'd
never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Yes, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love ♪
♪ I was falling ♪

♪ Falling and feeling ♪

♪ I'd never fall in love again ♪

♪ Yes, the last
time I felt like this ♪

♪ Was long before I knew ♪

What I'm feeling now ♪

♪ With you♪♪