All language subtitles for Private Benjamin

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

Man: WITH THIS RING,
BE THOU CONSECRATED

UNTO ME AS MY WIFE.

Rabbi: ACCORDING TO THE LAW OF
MOSES AND THE FAITH OF ISRAEL.

ACCORDING TO
THE LAW OF MOSES

AND THE FAITH
OF ISRAEL.

AND YOU, JUDY,
SAY TO YALE THESE WORDS--

TAKE THE RING.

Rabbi: THIS RING IS A SYMBOL
THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...

THIS RING IS A SYMBOL
THAT YOU ARE MY HUSBAND...

AND A SIGN OF MY LOVE
AND DEVOTION.

AND A SIGN OF MY LOVE
AND DEVOTION.

IN THE PRESENCE OF
THIS COMPANY AS WITNESS,

YOU HAVE SPOKEN THE WORDS
AND PERFORMED THE RITES

WHICH UNITE YOUR LIVES.

I THEREFORE DECLARE YOU,
YALE AND JUDY,

HUSBAND AND WIFE.

STEP.

[BREAKS GLASS]

MAZEL TOV.

Crowd: MAZEL TOV.

[APPLAUSE]

[PLAYING HAVA NAGILA]

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG]

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* V'NISM'CHA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* HAVA NAGILA *

* V'NISM'CHA *

[CONTINUES SINGING]

* ARE THE STARS *

* OUT TONIGHT? *

* I DON'T KNOW IF
IT'S CLOUDY OR BRIGHT... *

* 'CAUSE I ONLY
HAVE EYES *

* FOR YOU *

* JUDY GOODMAN *

WHAT, YOU HAVE
A LATE DATE?

NO, BUT, SWEETHEART,
I TOLD YOUR UNCLE PHIL

I'D MEET HIM
A HALF-HOUR AGO.

HE WANTS ME
TO LOOK OVER HIS LEASE.

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO WORK NOW

IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE PARTY?

OH, I'M NOT
GOING TO WORK,

BUT HE THINKS HE'S GOING
TO BE EVICTED.

LET ME JUST TALK TO HIM
FOR A MINUTE.

I'LL BE BACK.

OK?

THANKS FOR MARRYING ME.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

PEANUT, GET ME A PERRIER
WITH A TWIST, WILL YOU?

HI.

ARNIE.

SO YOU DID IT, HUH?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU MARRIED GOODMAN

WHEN YOU COULD'VE
HAD ME.

COULD'VE LIVED
WITH YOU, ARNIE--

BIG DIFFERENCE.

JUDY?

JUDY.

WHAT?

LOOK WHO I FOUND--

MR. WAXMAN
THE UPHOLSTERER.

OH, MR. WAXMAN.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU
WITHOUT NAILS IN YOUR MOUTH.

JUDY, I BROUGHT
A LITTLE SOMETHING

I THINK YOU'RE
GOING TO LOVE.

* ...FOR YOU *

OH!

MR. WAXMAN, YOU FINISHED
THE OTTOMAN.

OH, YALE
WILL BE THRILLED.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS?

IS THIS
MUSHROOM PIPING?

LOOKS A LITTLE
BEIGEY TO ME.

MA, THIS ISN'T
THE RIGHT COLOR, IS IT?

BEN...

WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE MUSHROOM?

THAT'S AS CLOSE AS
YOU'RE GOING TO GET

TO MUSHROOM
IN PHILADELPHIA.

MR. WAXMAN, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH THIS A ZILLION TIMES.

I TOLD YOU I'M DOING
YALE'S STUDY IN MUSHROOM.

I'M POSITIVE
YOU COULD'VE FOUND

A LITTLE MUSHROOM
FABRIC--A YARD.

YOU WANT IT?

I'LL GET IT.

THIS IS YOUR NIGHT.

OK.

WHEELS?

MR. WAXMAN, I WANTED
UPHOLSTERED BALLS.

UPHOLSTERED BALLS?

COME ON, PEANUT.

HONEY, WHERE ARE WE GOING?
MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.

YOUR FEET WILL BE FINE.

I JUST WANT TO TALK
TO YOU, OK?

SO, WHAT? YOU WANT
A DIVORCE ALREADY?

DARLING, I HAVE
A VERY BAD HEADACHE.

WELL, HONEY,
IT'S NO WONDER.

YOU'VE BEEN DANCING
ALL NIGHT.

LET ME GET SOME
TYLENOL FROM MOMMY.

SWEETHEART, IT'S NOT
A TYLENOL HEADACHE.

HONEY...

PLEASE?

HONEY, NOT HERE.

WHAT? COME ON.

WHY? BECAUSE EVERYBODY
I KNOW IS 10 FEET AWAY.

SWEETHEART, THEY'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.

PLEASE?

I KNOW, HONEY.
I'M IN MY DRESS.

WHAT?
YOUR DRESS IS FINE.

COME ON. COME ON,
SWEETHEART.

COME ON.
PLEASE, SWEETHEART.

OH, HONEY.

PLEASE?

KISS ME FIRST.

OK.

OK?

OK.

OH, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

HI, YALE.

HI.

Man: JUDY'S ALWAYS BEEN
A GOOD GIRL. ALWAYS.

WE KNOW SHE MADE A MISTAKE
WITH HER FIRST HUSBAND,

BUT THAT'S
ANCIENT HISTORY.

THE SMARTEST THING
SHE EVER DID, YALE,

WAS TO MARRY YOU.

THAT'S REAL NICE.
THANK YOU, TEDDY.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
FOR A FATHER TO KNOW

HIS DAUGHTER'S GOING TO BE
WELL TAKEN CARE OF.

DON'T LAUGH.

YOU'LL KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT

WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER
GETS MARRIED.

ANYWAY,
THAT'S NUMBER ONE.

NUMBER TWO--

ARE YOU STILL COMING
TO BREAKFAST EVERY SUNDAY?

OF COURSE, DADDY.

GOOD, THEN PICK UP
THE WHITEFISH ON YOUR WAY OVER.

I WANT TO GIVE YOU TWO

A LITTLE SOMETHING
FROM MOTHER AND ME,

JUST TO BRING YOU
A LITTLE EXTRA HAPPINESS.

I GUESS IT'S NOT CARPETING
FOR THE LIVING ROOM.

OH, MY...

THAT'S FOR THE FUTURE,
NOT LORD AND TAYLOR,

YOU UNDERSTAND?

OH, MY GOD!

OH, I CAN'T
BELIEVE IT.

THANK YOU, DADDY.

TEDDY,
YOU'RE AMAZING.

IT'S MY PLEASURE, YALE.

JUST USE IT
IN GOOD HEALTH.

THANK YOU. JESUS.

I GOT TO SHOW MY MOTHER.
SHE'LL GO CRAZY.

HERE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

JEEZ.

JUDE, GET ME
A CIGARETTE.

TV: ...BOB BOONE
DOUBLED BOWA TO THIRD,

BOTH GETTING IN TO SCORE

ON A DOUBLE TO RIGHT
BY GARY MATTHEWS.

COMING BACK INSIDE,
DADDY?

I JUST WANT TO SEE THE RECAP
OF TONIGHT'S GAME.

SHOULD I WAIT
FOR YOU HERE?

...CEDENO, WHO SCORED ON
A SACRIFICE FLY BY CABELL.

SO THE PHILLIES,
IN WINNING THEIR FIFTH...

DAD?

DADDY?

OH, GET ME
A MATCH, DOLL.

...AND BY 2
OVER PITTSBURGH,

BUT IF THE PHILLIES
CLOSE OUT THE HOME STAND...

OH, THANKS.

THEN THEY FACE A TOUGH
13-GAME ROAD TRIP

THAT TAKES THEM
OUT TO THE WEST COAST

WITH A STOP IN ST. LOUIS
ON THE WAY BACK HOME.

SO CARLTON WINS
HIS 13th. HE'S LOST 3.

JERRY, LISTEN TO ME.
IF YOU CALL HER,

YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW UP
EVERYTHING.

THAT'S MY JOB,
ALL RIGHT?

NO, TO CALL HER.

HOW LONG
YOU BEEN MARRIED?

ALL RIGHT, SEE,
ANYTHING MORE THAN 15 YEARS,

YOU LOSE THE HOUSE.

IT'S NOT MY RULE.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

SHE WON'T GET THE BOAT.

THE BOAT'S
A MALE ITEM.

UH-HUH. YEAH. I WANT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

PRENUPS IS THE ONLY WAY
TO GET AROUND THIS,

AND, YOU KNOW,
IT'S TOO LATE. NEXT TIME.

OH, GIVE HER THE MICROWAVE.
IT'S A BUILT-IN.

IT COMES WITH THE HOUSE.
JUST GIVE IT TO HER.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO
WITH ONE OVEN?

MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

IT'S LATE NOW.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

6:30 MONDAY MORNING,
WE'LL PLAY RACQUETBALL.

WE CAN FIGURE IT OUT THEN.
CAN YOU WAIT TILL THEN?

HONEY, WE'RE GOING
TO BE IN JAMAICA MONDAY.

OH, I'M GOING TO BE
ON MY HONEYMOON MONDAY.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM JAMAICA.

I DON'T KNOW,
FROM THE HOTEL.

OK.

NO, YOU'LL BE HALVED
AT WORST.

YOU'RE OK.

PRENUPS, BABE. OK.

OK, BYE.

HONEY, THAT'LL
NEVER HAPPEN TO US.

I KNOW.

DID THIS BATHROOM
TURN OUT GORGEOUS?

THIS ASS IS GORGEOUS.

OOH. COME HERE.
COME HERE.

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

WHAT, HONEY?
NO, WAIT.

OK, WAIT, HONEY.

YALE...

JUST WAIT.

LIFT
YOUR BACK LEG.

I DON'T HAVE
A BACK LEG, YALE.

HONEY, IT'S OUR
WEDDING NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

IT'S NOT REAL ROMANTIC
MAKING LOVE IN THE SINK.

HONEY, IT'S ROMANTIC
MAKING LOVE ANYWHERE.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

WHY DON'T WE GO
INTO THE BEDROOM, HONEY?

IT'S SO NICE IN THERE.

NIX, NIX, NIX.

JUST--JUST HERE, HONEY.

OH, GOD.

GOOD, SWEETIE.
OH, GOOD.

YALE. YALE.

OH, GOOD, HONEY.

OW. OW! HONEY, YOU'RE
ON MY HAIR, BABY.

LET GO OF MY HAIR.

OK, SWEETIE.

HOW'S THAT?

OK, GOOD.

GOOD, HONEY.

NICE, NICE.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

GOOD, HONEY.

NICE. OH, HONEY.

OH, HONEY.

OH, HONEY.

WHAT?

YES.

OH, SWEETIE.

WHAT?

OH, HONEY,
I'M COMING.

[CLIPPED
CHOKING SOUNDS]

[EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

HONEY?

WHY DON'T WE GO
AND GET IN BED?

YALE?

YALE?

YALE?

O GOD,
FULL OF COMPASSION,

THOU WHO
DWELLEST ON HIGH,

GRANT PERFECT REST ONTO
THE SOUL OF YALE GOODMAN,

WHO HAS DEPARTED
FROM THIS WORLD.

LORD OF MERCY, BRING HIM
INTO THY PRESENCE

AND LET HIS SOUL
BE BOUND UP

IN THE BOND
OF ETERNAL LIFE.

AMEIN.

I CANNOT TRY
TO CONSOLE YOU, JUDY,

BY SAYING THERE IS
ANY JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.

JUST BE THANKFUL FOR
THE FRIENDSHIP AND TENDERNESS

YOU AND YALE HAD
THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE.

MY PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH
SOME VERY ROUGH TIMES.

LET ME SHARE IT
WITH YOU.

QUE SERA, SERA.

I GOT IT FROM THE SONG.

[CRYING]

JUDITH?

JUST ONE THING--

IF YOU CAN REMEMBER,

WHAT WERE YALE'S LAST WORDS?

"I'M COMING."

I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT
TO HEAR THIS, JUDY,

BUT YOU GOT TO GET
RIGHT BACK INTO CIRCULATION.

WHEN YOU FALL OFF
THE HORSE,

YOU GOT TO CLIMB
RIGHT BACK ON.

OH, AUNT KISSY,
PLEASE.

CAN I BE ALONE NOW?

I'M SORRY.

SHE WANTS TO BE ALONE.

[WOMAN WHISPERING]
She wants to be alone.

Teddy: Oh, she wants
to be alone.

She doesn't want
to live in their place.

Woman: I can't
blame her.

You should sell everything
and buy her a new one.

Buy her a new--
She'll live with us.

What if she doesn't want
to live with you?

She doesn't know
what she wants.

What's she going
to do now?

Be my secretary again?

The girl's
29 years old

and trained
to do nothing.

I'M 28.

LOOK WHAT WE GOT.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Judy: I'VE NEVER
NOT BELONGED TO SOMEBODY.

NEVER.

MY FIRST BOYFRIEND
WAS IN NURSERY SCHOOL.

I WAS 2, AND HE WAS 3,

AND SINCE THEN,

I'VE BEEN PINNED,

LAVALIERED,

ENGAGED,

MARRIED TWICE.

FIRST TIME, I WAS 20.

SEE, I--I'VE BEEN
IN THIS ROOM 8 DAYS,

AND IT'S--IT'S REALLY

THE FIRST 8 DAYS
I'VE EVER BEEN ALONE

IN MY LIFE.

IF--IF I'M NOT GOING
TO BE MARRIED,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF.

DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE
UNMARRIED WOMAN?

Man: UH-HUH.

WELL, I DIDN'T GET IT.

I MEAN, I WOULD'VE BEEN
MRS. ALAN BATES SO FAST,

THAT GUY WOULDN'T
HAVE KNOWN WHAT HIT HIM.

AND THE THING IS--
AND THEN, I'LL SHUT UP--

IS THAT...

I HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING WRONG,

AND I FEEL LIKE
I'M BEING PUNISHED.

I MEAN, I--

I--I THOUGHT I'D BE
FILLING UP MY FREEZER,

AND THAT I'D BE GETTING
THIS NEW PINE SIDEBOARD

THAT I ORDERED, AND...

OH, GOD.

[SOBBING]

OH, GOD.

Man: JESSICA?

I DO HATE TO INTERRUPT
YOUR FREE ASSOCIATION,

BUT OUR SWITCHBOARD
IS GOING CRAZY.

SO SET YOUR PHONE DOWN

AND TURN
YOUR RADIO UP, OK?

HELLO. NIGHT OWL.
YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

Woman: NOW, LOOK,
IF YOU ASK ME, YOU LUCKED OUT.

I READ IN THE ENQUIRER
THIS MORNING

THAT MARRIAGE
CAUSES CANCER.

WELL, THANK YOU.

PHILADELPHIA NIGHT OWL.
YOU'RE ON THE AIR.

Man: ABOUT THAT
PALESTINIAN HOMELAND--

NOW, IF YOU'LL
CHECK YOUR BIBLE,

YOU'LL SEE
THAT THE ARABS

HAD FIRST DIBS
ON THE WEST BANK.

NOT TONIGHT, DELL,
THANK YOU.

LINE 4, YOU GOT
SOME ADVICE FOR JESSICA?

Man: YES, I DO.

HI, JESSICA,
MY NAME'S JIM.

Judy: HI.

JESSICA, FIRST,
JUST LET ME SAY

HOW TERRIBLY SORRY I AM
ABOUT YOUR MISFORTUNE.

NOW, NOBODY KNOWS
BETTER THAN YOU

THAT THINGS
CAN'T GET MUCH WORSE.

IT'S ALSO PRETTY OBVIOUS
THAT YOU NEED GUIDANCE,

SECURITY,
GOOD FRIENDS,

AND A HEALTHY DOSE
OF SELF-CONFIDENCE.

YES.

NOW, WHAT I'M SAYING IS

I THINK I CAN HELP YOU
FIND A NEW LIFE.

UH, ARE YOU JESSICA?

JIM?

YEAH. HI.

HI.

AM I LATE
OR YOU EARLY?

UH, I'M JUST
A FEW HOURS EARLY.

HA HA HA HA.
COME ON.

THANK YOU.

I SHOULD TELL YOU
MY NAME ISN'T JESSICA.

IT'S JUDY.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT
ANYBODY I KNEW

TO HEAR ME
ON THE RADIO, YOU KNOW?

MACHT NICHT.

WHAT?

"IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE"
IN GERMAN.

I WAS STATIONED OVER
THERE FOR 26 MONTHS.

Jim: WHAT DOES THAT
LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

WHAT, CLUB MED?

IT'S FORT ORD ARMY BASE
IN MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA.

THOSE LOOK LIKE CONDOS.

MM-HMM,

AND EVERY SOLDIER GETS HIS
OR HER OWN PRIVATE ROOM.

WHAT ARE THESE,
YACHTS?

THE ARMY IS THE BEST-KEPT
SECRET IN THE WORLD, JUDY.

LOOKS GREAT,

BUT, YOU SEE,
YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

I'M NOT--I'M NOT
THE ARMY TYPE.

FORGET THAT OLD BROWN-BOOT
IMAGE OF THE ARMY.

IT'S THE ARMY OF
THE EIGHTIES.

YOU'D LOVE IT.
ALL THE LADIES DO--

ALL 89,000 OF THEM.

HERE. CHECK OUT
THIS LIST OF JOBS.

THERE'S OVER
300 JOBS THERE,

AND ONLY A COUPLE NOT
OFFERED TO THE LADIES--

TRAINED KILLERS,
STUFF LIKE THAT.

HOW MUCH DO YOU EARN
NOW PER MONTH?

NOW?

NOTHING.

NOTHING?

NOTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING?

[CRYING]

I'M THINKING ABOUT...

MY FAMILY,

AND MY HOUSE...

AND ALL THE GIFTS
I HAVE TO RETURN.

HEY, HEY. NOW, JUDY,

YOU SHOULDN'T BE
SADDLED WITH A LOT

OF RESPONSIBILITIES
AND DECISIONS NOW.

NOW, I'M PREPARED TO
OFFER YOU $458 A MONTH,

TRAIN YOU IN THE JOB
OF YOUR CHOICE,

PAY FOR YOUR FOOD,
YOUR HOUSING,

ALL YOUR MEDICAL,

AND GIVE YOU A 30-DAY
PAID VACATION.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.

A LADY WITH YOUR
EDUCATION AND BACKGROUND

COULD EASILY LAND
AN ASSIGNMENT IN EUROPE.

EUROPE?

YEAH, I--I DO NEED
TO GET AWAY.

AND WE'LL GET YOU IN
THE BEST PHYSICAL SHAPE

YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN
IN YOUR LIFE.

IT'D BE LIKE 3 YEARS
AT LA COSTA.

LA COSTA.

THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT IF I HATE IT
ONCE I GET THERE?

QUIT. IT'S A JOB,
LIKE ANYTHING ELSE.

[SNIFFLES]

I...

All: I...

STATE YOUR FULL NAME...

JUDY BENJAMIN...

DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR
OR AFFIRM...

DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR
OR AFFIRM...

THAT I WILL SUPPORT
AND DEFEND...

THAT I WILL SUPPORT
AND DEFEND...

THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES...

THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES...

AGAINST ALL ENEMIES,
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC...

AGAINST ALL ENEMIES,
FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC...

THAT I WILL BEAR TRUE FAITH
AND ALLEGIANCE...

THAT I WILL BEAR TRUE
FAITH AND ALLEGIANCE...

TO THE SAME...

TO THE SAME...

AND THAT I WILL
OBEY THE ORDERS...

AND THAT I WILL
OBEY THE ORDERS...

OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES...

OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES...

AND THE ORDERS OF THE OFFICERS
APPOINTED OVER ME...

AND THE ORDERS OF THE
OFFICERS APPOINTED OVER ME

ACCORDING
TO THE REGULATIONS.

ACCORDING
TO THE REGULATIONS.

ALL RIGHT.

MY NAME IS
SERGEANT L.C. ROSS,

AND I'M GOING TO BE
YOUR DRILL SERGEANT

FOR YOUR 6-WEEKS
BASIC TRAINING.

MY JOB IS TO TURN YOU LOVELY
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

INTO UNITED STATES
SOLDIERS.

NOW, THE FIRST THING
WE'RE GOING TO DO

IS PUT YOU THROUGH
YOUR IN-PROCESSING.

WHILE YOU ARE WAITING IN LINE
FOR YOUR PROCESSING,

YOU WILL NOT,
I REPEAT,

YOU WILL NOT BE
FLAPPING YOUR LIPS.

YOU WILL BE
FILLING OUT THESE FORMS.

NOW, I'M GOING
TO CALL OUT YOUR NAMES,

AND I WANT YOU
TO LINE UP BEHIND ME.

Men: 1, 2, 3, 4!

ABBOTT!

BARNETT!

BENJAMIN!

BENJAMIN!

SIR--

FALL IN, BENJAMIN.

I'M PRIVATE WINTER,

BUT I BELIEVE I CAN BE
OF ASSISTANCE

IN LOCATING
PRIVATE BENJAMIN.

SIR.

BENJAMIN?

ARE WE AT THE FORT?

YES, WE ARE.

TIME TO WAKE UP NOW.

OH, IN A SEC.

GET YOUR ASS UP AND OUT
ON THE COMPANY STREET!

AAH!

WELL, I NEVER.

GIVE ME 10 PUSH-UPS!
START KNOCKING THEM OUT!

DO YOU MIND IF I CHECK
INTO MY ROOM FIRST?

ASSUME THE POSITION
AND HIT IT!

NOW!

UP, DOWN!

UP, DOWN!

UP, DOWN! UP!

AAH!

WHAT IS THIS, HELL WEEK?

NO, BENJAMIN.

THIS IS THE ARMY.

MOVE IT ALONG.
MOVE IT ALONG.

MOVE IT OUT,
RIGHT NOW.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,

IS GREEN THE ONLY COLOR
THESE COME IN?

CLOSE IT UP BACK THERE,
YOU MEATHEADS!

GO ON!

PICK IT UP, PICK IT UP,
PICK IT UP!

CLOSE IT UP!

CLOSE UP THAT FIELD
BACK THERE!

COME ON! MOVE IT!

WHERE ARE
THE YACHTS?

[TALKING]

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU A REPORTER
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WHO, ME?

YEAH.

NO.

I JOINED UP,
BUT I'M NOT STAYING.

THERE'S BEEN
A MISTAKE.

I'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT
WHEN THE MANAGER GETS HERE.

MAN ON THE FLOOR!

YOU PEOPLE LINE UP IN FRONT
OF YOUR COTS AT ATTEN-HUT!

GET UP HERE.

Woman: SHH SHH SHH.

BARRACKS READY
FOR INSPECTION, CAPTAIN.

[SOBBING]

AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HONEY?

ARE YOU A CRYBABY?

NO, SIR.

MA'AM!

I KNOW HOW ALL YOU LADIES
DROOL OVER THIS, UH,

THIS FONZIE CHARACTER.

NOT IN MY OUTFIT.

BURN IT, ROSS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
SOLDIER?

PRIVATE WINTER, MA'AM.

UH-HUH.

OUTSTANDING, WINTER,
OUTSTANDING.

LADIES, EXAMINE
PRIVATE WINTER'S LOCKER.

LEARN FROM IT.

YOU KEEP THIS UP

AND WE'LL TALK OFFICER'S
CANDIDATE SCHOOL.

MA'AM, THANK YOU, MA'AM.

THIS BRASSIERE ISN'T
REGULATION, ROSS,

AND NEITHER
IS THIS FACE.

NOW, YOU LOOK LIKE
A CLOWN, SOLDIER.

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT.

[WOMEN LAUGH]

GIANELLI'S
A 308, MA'AM.

OH.

OH, SO IT WAS THE ARMY
OR JAIL, HUH?

WELL, AFTER 6 WEEKS
WITH ME

YOU'RE GONNA WISH
YOU'D CHOSE ATTICA.

[POPS GUM]

OH, DON'T PUSH ME, PUNK.

SERGEANT ROSS,

THIS IS THE MOST PATHETIC
GROUP OF TRAINEES

I HAVE EVER
LAID MY EYES ON.

MA'AM.

LADIES,

MY COMPANIES
ARE THE BEST-TRAINED,

THE BEST-DISCIPLINED
SOLDIERS ON THIS BASE.

EXCUSE ME.

HUH?

UM...

I HATE TO INTERRUPT YOU,

BUT, UM, COULD I SPEAK
TO YOU FOR A SEC?

OH, MY LORD, SERGEANT,
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?

I'VE SEEN IT, MA'AM.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
PRINCESS, HUH?

JUDY.

JUDY?

JUDY BENJAMIN.

JUDY BENJAMIN.

UM, AHEM...

I THINK THEY SENT ME
TO THE WRONG PLACE.

UH-HUH.

SEE, UH,
I DID JOIN THE ARMY,

BUT I JOINED
A DIFFERENT ARMY.

I JOINED THE ONE
WITH THE CONDOS

AND THE PRIVATE
ROOMS.

WHAT?

NO, REALLY,
MY--MY RECRUITER

JIM BALLARD
TOLD ME--

I DON'T CARE

WHAT YOUR LOUSY RECRUITER
TOLD YOU, BENJAMIN.

NOW I'M TELLING YOU
THERE IS NO OTHER ARMY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO GO TO YOUR BOSS.

I JUST WANT TO BE
TRUTHFUL WITH YOU.

I CAN'T SLEEP IN A ROOM
WITH 20 STRANGERS.

OH, DEAR.

AND I MEAN,
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

THE ARMY COULDN'T
AFFORD DRAPES?

I'LL BE UP AT
THE CRACK OF DAWN HERE.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

I AM FRANKLY
A LITTLE SHOCKED.

YOU'RE SHOCKED?

YES.

WHY?

THIS PLACE IS A STY.

IT'S A STY?

YEAH. I MEAN LOOK.
LOOK AT THESE STAINS.

GOD KNOWS
WHERE THIS HAS BEEN.

AND HAVE YOU SEEN
THE BATHROOM?

WELL, UH, DO YOU THINK
THAT THE LATRINE--

DO YOU THINK
THAT IT'S UNSANITARY?

OH, IT'S DISGUSTING.

DISGUSTING.

THERE ARE URINALS
IN THERE.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
THIS IS THE ARMY.

BENJAMIN, IT'S NOT
A SORORITY HOUSE.

UM, MAY I SEE
YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?

PLEASE?

PLEASE?

[ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING]

[WATER POURING]

YALE, HOW COULD YOU
DO THIS TO ME?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

YOU COULD EAT
OFF THAT FLOOR.

WHY DON'T YOU?

[CLANGING]

REVEILLE DRILL!
REVEILLE, LET'S GO!

EVERYBODY, UP!
EVERYBODY, UP!

MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!

EVERYBODY, UP!
EVERYBODY, MOVE!

MOVE!

EVERYBODY, BENJAMIN!

OH, GOD,
YOU CAN'T MEAN ME.

I WORKED
A NIGHT SHIFT.

GO CHECK OUT
THE BATHROOM.

IT'S FABULOUS.

AAH!

ALPHA COMPANY,
ATTEN-HUT!

BRAVO COMPANY,
ATTEN-HUT!

[YAWNS]

AT EASE, GENTLEMEN.

LADIES.

I'M YOUR POST COMMANDER,

COLONEL CLAY THORNBUSH,

AND I WANT TO
PERSONALLY WELCOME

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

TO THE BILOXI, MISSISSIPPI,
BASIC TRAINING CENTER,

THE BACKBONE
OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY.

YOU HAVE 2 OUTSTANDING
COMPANY COMMANDERS

TO LEAD YOU THROUGH BASIC.

CAPTAIN DOREEN LEWIS,
A 5-YEAR VETERAN

HERE AT FORT BILOXI
OF ALPHA COMPANY.

AND A NEWCOMER
TO THE BILOXI FAMILY,

CAPTAIN WILLIAM WOOLDRIDGE,
BRAVO COMPANY.

AT FORT BILOXI WE TURN OUT
THE BEST-FED, BEST-DRESSED,

BEST-TRAINED SOLDIERS
IN THE WORLD,

BUT IT DOESN'T COME EASY.

DOES NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.

FIRST, YOU MUST PROVE THAT
YOU HAVE THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH,

THE SELF-DISCIPLINE,

AND THE MENTAL STAMINA
NECESSARY

TO MEET THE HIGH STANDARDS
OF THE UNITED STATES ARMY.

THE NEXT 6 WEEKS
WILL BE THE TEST.

IT'LL BE HELL...

BUT YOU'LL BE GLAD
YOU MADE THE TRIP.

YEAH.

MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!

LEFT, LEFT,

LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT!

LEFT, LEFT,

LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT!

I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE
LIKE EXERCISE CLASS.

A FEW LEG-LIFTS,
A LITTLE STRETCHING,

MAYBE A DISCO CLASS.

YOU'RE NOT REAL TALKATIVE,
ARE YOU, SOYER?

SEE, WE RUN 'EM OUT,

AND THEN
WE MARCH 'EM BACK.

THEN ABOUT, UH,
OH, TWICE A WEEK,

I SPRING A SURPRISE
INSPECTION ON 'EM.

THAT'S GOOD ARMY.

YEAH.

KEEPS 'EM
ON THEIR TOES.

MM-HMM.

MM-HMM.

GOT ONE MORE QUESTION.

SHOOT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
FRIDAY NIGHT?

WELL, UH...

[HORN HONKS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

FORWARD, HO!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[COUGHING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

AAH!

LOOK OUT, GIANELLI!

AAH!

OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANYMORE.

THEY'VE BROKEN ME.
I'M QUITTING.

GIRL, YOU CAN'T
QUIT THIS ARMY.

I CAN. THE RECRUITER
TOLD ME.

QUIT ANY TIME
I WANT.

OH, JESUS, BENJAMIN, YOU
STILL BELIEVE YOUR RECRUITER?

IT'S ONLY FOR 3 YEARS.

Ross: COMPANY, HALT!

AAH!

COME ON,
MOVE IT, BENJAMIN!

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
STOP RUNNING

UNLESS YOU COLLAPSE,
FAINT, OR PUKE!

[RETCHING]

OH, I HAVE NEVER
LOOKED WORSE IN MY LIFE.

HAS ANYBODY EVER DIED
FROM BASIC?

EXCUSE ME.

GIANELLI.

GIANELLI.

UH, I THINK YOU TOOK
MY BLANKET.

THIS IS MY BLANKET.

YOU GAVE IT TO ME.

I DON'T THINK I DID.

MAYBE YOU JUST FORGOT.

MAYBE YOU GOT
BRAIN DAMAGE.

OK, OK,
I GAVE IT TO YOU.

I GAVE IT TO YOU
BY MISTAKE.

NOW I WANT IT
BACK, OK?

TAKE IT.

AAH!

Woman: HEY, A FIGHT.
A FIGHT!

WOW.

WHERE YOU GOING?

HOME.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO THIS AGAIN REAL SOON.

HOW ABOUT EVERY
FRIDAY NIGHT?

I'M GONNA SET YOU
FREE, DOREEN.

[CAR APPROACHING]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

CAPTAIN LEWIS, MA'AM,
WE'VE GOT TROUBLE.

OW!

OH, OUCH!

MY HAIR!

BENJAMIN, YOU ARE NOT FIT
TO WEAR THAT UNIFORM!

NO SHIT!

Judy:
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I DIDN'T ASK HER
TO PUNISH EVERYBODY.

YOU THINK I LIKE
SCHLEPPING IN THE RAIN

ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT?

JUST KEEP MARCHING,
BENJAMIN.

MY NAME IS JUDY.

J-U-D-Y, JUDY,

AND I'D LIKE SOMEBODY
TO CALL ME BY MY NAME.

HEY, JUDY!

OH, OK, I TOOK MY LIFE
INTO MY OWN HANDS.

I MADE A MISTAKE.
FINE, I'M SORRY.

I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

I WANT TO WEAR MY SANDALS,

AND I WANT TO GO
OUT TO LUNCH.

I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN.

WOULD YOU PLEASE
JUST SHUT UP, BENJAMIN?

GOD, I HAVE NEVER
IN ALL MY BORN DAYS

MET SUCH A WHINY
CANDY-ASS AS YOU!

I DON'T WANT TO BE
IN THE ARMY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
IN THE ARMY!

DON'T WANT TO BE
IN THE ARMY!

WELL, WE DO, OK?

WE CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE
TROUBLE ON ACCOUNT OF YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU AND I
COULD BE FRIENDS, BUT YOU--

OH, MAN, FORGET IT.

WHAT? I'M WHAT?

YOU'RE THE MOST INSENSITIVE
PERSON I'VE EVER MET.

THAT IS SO UNTRUE!

I NEVER GO TO SOMEONE'S
HOME EMPTY-HANDED.

PEOPLE LOVE ME.

PLATOON, HALT!

FALL OUT!

BENJAMIN!

BENJAMIN!

REPORT TO THE DAY ROOM

ON THE DOUBLE!

OH, GOD, THEY DIDN'T
TELL ME IT WAS YOU.

HI, MOM.

HI, DADDY.

SIT DOWN, JUDY.

I WAS GONNA CALL,

BUT I WASN'T FEELING
VERY GOOD.

8 DAYS.

OUR DAUGHTER DISAPPEARS
FOR 8 DAYS

WITHOUT A SINGLE WORD.

WE THOUGHT
YOU WERE KIDNAPPED.

WE HAD THE FBI
OUT LOOKING FOR YOU

WHEN WE GET A CALL
FROM SOME STRANGER

TELLING US
HOW FINE YOU ARE

AND THAT YOU'D ENLISTED
IN THE GODDAMN ARMY.

WE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHY.

PERSONALLY, I THINK YOU'VE
GONE TEMPORARILY INSANE.

THAT'S WHAT
WE TOLD EVERYONE.

WE SAID THAT YOU'D, UH,
YOU'D HAD A COLLAPSE

AND THAT YOU WERE IN
A MENTAL HOME.

PEOPLE THINK I'M
IN A MENTAL HOME?

WELL, WHAT SHOULD WE
HAVE TOLD THEM?

THAT YOU'RE LIVING IN AN ARMY
BARRACKS IN MISSISSIPPI

WITH A BUNCH OF--
A BUNCH OF--

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT!

THAT'S WHY
I DON'T LIKE IT.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
TO YOUR PARENTS, HUH?

HAVEN'T WE DONE
ENOUGH FOR YOU?

HAVEN'T WE GIVEN YOU
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED?

DID I GET YOU A CAR
ON YOUR 16th BIRTHDAY?

DID I GET YOU INTO COLLEGE?

DID I BAIL YOU OUT
OF YOUR FIRST MARRIAGE

TO THAT SCHMUCK, DID I?

TEDDY, RELAX.

I AM RELAXED!

RELAX.

WHY ARE YOU
PUNISHING US, HMM?

MAYBE YOU HATE US.

I DON'T HATE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW YOUR AUNT KISSY
IS LIVING WITH US NOW?

WHY?

BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER'S
HAD A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!

YOU WERE NEVER
A SMART GIRL,

AND WE'RE ALL GONNA STOP
PRETENDING NOW.

YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE
OF MAKING YOUR OWN DECISIONS.

ALL RIGHT.

STARTING TOMORROW, I DO NOT
LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT.

AND I DON'T CARE
HOW MUCH YOU CRY.

AH, THE BENJAMINS.

CAPTAIN LEWIS.
MR. BENJAMIN

AND MRS. BENJAMIN,

IT IS SO GOOD TO MEET
YOU FINALLY IN PERSON.

MR. BENJAMIN.

CAPTAIN LEWIS SAID
WE COULD TAKE YOU HOME.

I'M SORRY,

BUT THINGS JUST DIDN'T
WORK OUT HERE FOR JUDY.

SHE'S A--SHE'S
A HARD WORKER,

AND, UH, SHE'S VERY--
UH, SHE'S POPULAR

WITH ALL
THE OTHER GIRLS.

WE ARE SAD
TO SEE HER GO.

NOW, IF YOU'LL JUST
SIGN RIGHT HERE

ON THE DOTTED LINE,

YOU'RE AS GOOD AS HOME,
YOUNG LADY.

RIGHT THERE.

HERE, DARLING.
HERE YOU ARE.

COME ON, DARLING.
HERE, TAKE IT.

NO, THANKS.

I THINK I'LL STAY.

CAPTAIN LEWIS.

MOM...DADDY...

* AIN'T NO SENSE
IN LOOKIN' BACK *

* AIN'T NO SENSE
IN LOOKIN' BACK *

* JODY'S GOT
YOUR CADILLAC *

* JODY'S GOT
YOUR CADILLAC *

* AM I RIGHT
OR WRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* AM I GOING
STRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* SOUND OFF *

* 1, 2 *

* SOUND OFF *

* 3, 4 *

* BREAK IT ON DOWN *

* 1, 2, 3, 4 *

* 1, 2 *

* 3, 4 *

* AIN'T NO SENSE
IN LOOKIN' DOWN *

* AIN'T NO SENSE
IN LOOKIN' DOWN *

* AIN'T NO DISCHARGE
ON THE GROUND *

* AIN'T NO DISCHARGE
ON THE GROUND *

* AM I RIGHT OR WRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* AM I GOING STRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* SOUND OFF *

* 1, 2 *

* SOUND OFF *

* 3, 4 *

* BREAK IT ON DOWN *

* 1, 2, 3, 4 *

* 1, 2 *

* 3, 4 *

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[CHEERING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

ALL RIGHT,
KNOCK IT OFF!

BREAK IT!
LET'S GO!

* OUGHT TO BE
IN HOLLYWOOD *

* OUGHT TO BE
IN HOLLYWOOD *

* AM I RIGHT
OR WRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* AM I GOING
STRONG? *

* YOU'RE RIGHT *

* SOUND OFF *

* 1, 2 *

* SOUND OFF *

* 3, 4 *

* BREAK IT ON DOWN *

* 1, 2, 3, 4 *

* 1, 2 *

* 3, 4 *

WELCOME
TO THE BILOXI WAR GAMES...

THE SUPER BOWL
OF BASIC TRAINING.

SIMULATED COMBAT WILL TEST
THE SKILLS AND THE COURAGE

OF EACH AND EVERY
ONE OF YOU.

CAPTAIN WOOLDRIDGE
WILL LEAD THE RED TEAM,

CAPTAIN LEWIS,
THE BLUE TEAM.

I WILL BE OBSERVING
THE EXERCISES FROM THE AIR.

GOOD LUCK...
AND FIGHT PROUD!

All: YEAH!

FIGHT PROUD!

All: YEAH!

FIGHT PROUD!

All: YEAH!

THOMPSON, HYPE,
KATZ, BYRON, RICHTER.

YOUR OBJECTIVE IS
TO CAPTURE AND BLOW UP

THE RED TEAM'S
COMMUNICATIONS CENTER.

BE AWARE. THERE ARE
MINEFIELDS OUT THERE.

MOST OF THEM ARE INERT.

HOWEVER, SOME ARE "ERT."

TAKE OFF.

PRIVATE WINTER!

WINTER, YOU WILL SERVE AS
CAPTAIN LEWIS' AIDE DE CAMP.

SIR, YES, SIR!

TEAM C--GIANELLI, GLASS,
MOE, BENJAMIN, SOYER.

YOUR OBJECTIVE IS
TO GUARD THIS AREA HERE.

EXCUSE ME,
DRILL SERGEANT,

WHAT IS THAT AREA?

THAT'S THE SWAMP.

SWAMP?
SWAMP.

Ross: TAKE OFF.

SWAMP.

NO!
GOD!

[GRUMBLING]

TRYING TO GET
MY BEARINGS.

TINA, IF YOU
CAN'T READ THAT MAP,

I DON'T SEE WHY
YOU JUST DON'T SAY IT.

GOD DAMN IT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE THE POINT MAN.

LOOK, BENJ POINTED ME IN
THE WRONG DIRECTION.

WELL, WHAT AM I,
MAGELLAN?

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO BE GUARDING HERE

ANYWAY, THE ALGAE?

LET'S JUST GO
STRAIGHT NORTH.

WE JUST CAME
FROM THE NORTH.

FINE.
LET'S GO SOUTH.

WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT!

RELAX. IF WE CAN'T
GET BACK BY TOMORROW,

THEY'LL SEND
A SEARCH PLANE FOR US.

DO WE HAVE ENOUGH BODIES
TO SPELL THE WORD "HELP"?

LET'S GO.

[LAUGHING]

THE FIRST TIME
I EVER DID IT...

[GIGGLING]

WELL...

IT WAS ON AN OVERNIGHT HIKE
WITH MY BIBLE CLASS.

HA HA HA!
GOD!

WE'RE TALKING
LE EMIL LeFEVRE,

PREACHER'S SON.
WHOA, NELLY!

HA HA HA!

I HAD NEVER DONE NOTHIN'
IN MY LIFE BEFORE.

NOTHIN', YOU KNOW?

AND HE JUST CLIMBED RIGHT
SMACK DAB INTO THE MIDDLE

OF MY SLEEPING BAG,
AND I WAS SCARED.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT HIS DADDY THE PREACHER

WAS RIGHT OVER THERE,
JUST ABOUT 10 FEET AWAY.

HOW WAS IT?

[WHISPERS]
Quiet...

BUT VERY NICE.
VERY NICE.

I HAD AN ORGASM ONCE.

HEY!
ALL RIGHT!

TELL! COME ON!

BUT I WAS ALONE.

OHH...
OHH...

WELL, THE BEST OF US
HAVE BEEN ALONE.

HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!

WELL...

ONCE...

WHEN I WAS
WITH MY FIRST HUSBAND,

I GOT TO THIS PLACE
THAT WAS KIND OF...

NICE AND TINGLY...

AND, UM...

I DON'T KNOW
IF IT WAS OFFICIAL--

I MEAN,
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS

WAS AN OFFICIAL, LIKE,
ORGASM, YOU KNOW,

BUT...

I COUNTED IT AS ONE
FOR 5 YEARS.

HA HA HA!

HOW MANY TIMES YOU BEEN
MARRIED, BENJAMIN?

TWICE.

MMM.
MMM.

THE FIRST TIME FOR 6 WEEKS,

AND THE SECOND TIME
FOR 6 HOURS.

6 HOURS?

MY HUSBAND HAD
A HEART ATTACK

AND DIED ON
OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

WHAT?
WHAT?

MY HUSBAND
HAD A HEART ATTACK

AND DIED ON
OUR WEDDING NIGHT.

OHH.

WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE.

HOLY SHIT.

JESUS, BENJAMIN.
I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER
A THING LIKE THAT?

JOIN THE ARMY.

Judy: WE'RE LOST.

WE'VE PASSED THAT
SAME ALLIGATOR 7 TIMES.

Moe: I BET THE WAR GAMES
ARE OVER BY NOW.

LEWIS IS GONNA
JUST KILL US.

HEY,
THERE'S A PLANE!

YOU KNOW, I BET THAT'S
HEADED BACK TO BASE.

COME ON.
LET'S FOLLOW IT.

I HOPE IT'S NOT
DELTA TO MIAMI.

Look, it's the Red Army
Headquarters.

Quiet.

Let me
do that.

Great.

You owe me 6.95.

You got it.

God.

HEY, BLOOD,
HOW YOU DOIN'?

ALL RIGHT.
LOOKING GOOD.

WHAT'S HAPPENING,
GIRL?

OH, YOU KNOW,
WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

BUT YOU'RE MY
PRISONER OF WAR, SUCKER,

AND THAT'S
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I AIN'T YOUR NOTHING.
GET THAT THING OUT--

I MEAN WHAT I SAY.

DROP IT!

Judy:
NO, YOU DROP IT.

I SAID DROP IT!

WHERE'S
CAPTAIN WOOLDRIDGE?

IN THE COMMAND TENT
INTERROGATING A P.O.W.

MOE, GET THE KEYS
TO THE TRUCK.

COME ON.

OH, SHIT.
[WATER SPLASHES]

DON'T WORRY.
I'LL HOT-WIRE IT.

YOU KNOW
HOW TO DO THAT?

IT'S MY FORMER CAREER.

EXCELLENT.

[WOMAN MOANING]

WHAT?

Woman: AHH! OHH!

[WHISPERING]
Let's go.

FREEZE!

[GASPS]
PRIVATE WINTER!

WELL, LOOKIE HERE,
BENJAMIN.

LOOK WHAT WE GOT.

BENJAMIN, LISTEN,
CAPTAIN LEWIS,

SHE SENT ME OUT
TO FIND YOU GUYS,

AND, WELL,
I GOT CAPTURED.

NOW, HE PROMISED ME

HE'D PUT IN A GOOD WORD
WITH CAPTAIN LEWIS,

AND I--I REALLY
DON'T LIKE HIM AT ALL.

TAKE
THE PRISONERS.

Benjamin: ATTENTION
ALL RED TEAM PERSONNEL...

THE BLUE TEAM HAS SURRENDERED.
THE RED TEAM HAS WON.

FOLLOW US.

ATTENTION ALL
RED TEAM PERSONNEL...

THE BLUE TEAM
HAS SURRENDERED,

THE RED TEAM HAS WON.
FOLLOW US.

[CHEERING]

Field Judge:
RED TEAM CAPTURED!

ROSS, TAKE
THE PLATOON.

HEAD DUE WEST.

I'LL LEAD THE REMAINING
TROOPS TO THE EAST.

UH-OH.

WHAT NOW?

GOT ANY IDEAS,
ROSS?

OFF YOUR ASSES,
ON YOUR FEET.

OVERWHELMING ENEMY FORCES
APPROACHING.

BLUE TEAM
COMPANY COMMANDER

REQUESTS PERMISSION
TO SURRENDER, SIR.

RED TEAM, DO YOU ACCEPT
SURRENDER OF BLUE TEAM?

NO, SIR, WE DO NOT, SIR,

BECAUSE WE ARE
ALSO THE BLUE TEAM, SIR.

IDENTIFY YOURSELF,
SOLDIER!

SIR,
PRIVATE BENJAMIN, SIR.

AT EASE.

WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS PRIVATE BENJAMIN?

SIR, I AM, SIR.

OUTSTANDING.

THANK YOU, SIR.

AND THIS IS THE REST
OF THE SQUAD.

PRIVATE GLASS,
PRIVATE GIANELLI,

PRIVATE MOE,
AND PRIVATE SOYER, SIR.

WHERE'S THE RED TEAM
COMPANY COMMANDER?

GIANELLI, GLASS.

[CHEERING AND CATCALLING]

CAPTAIN LEWIS,
YOU ARE LUCKY

TO HAVE TROOPERS LIKE THIS
UNDER YOUR COMMAND.

CONGRATULATIONS.

NEXT TIME, DON'T BE SO QUICK
TO RAISE THE WHITE FLAG.

YES, SIR.

NOW THE WAR GAMES
ARE CONCLUDED,

TROOPS ARE
DISMISSED.

I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW
AT GRADUATION.

PRIVATE BENJAMIN.

YES, SIR!

CAN I OFFER
YOUR TEAM A LIFT?

YES, SIR!

I WANT YOU TO MEET
2 OF OUR THORNBIRDS--

LIEUTENANT GOMEZ
AND SERGEANT CHASE.

HI.
HOW YOU DOIN'?

OH, GOD,
FABULOUS UNIFORM!

WHAT'S
A THORNBIRD, SIR?

WELL, IT'S SORT OF
AN ELITE AIRBORNE CORPS.

WE RECRUIT THEM
FROM THE BEST BASES

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

I'M DAMN PROUD OF THEM!

JUST LIKE
I'M PROUD OF YOU GIRLS.

A HELL OF A JOB
YOU DID TODAY.

THANKS.

WHERE DO YOU
HAIL FROM, BENJAMIN?

UH, PHILADELPHIA,
SIR.

HEY, PHILADELPHIA!
HEY! HEY!

THE SEAT OF
OUR DEMOCRACY, HUH?

THORNY II
IS FROM PHILADELPHIA.

THORNY II, SIR?

MY WIFE.

AFTER ALL OF 20 YEARS

WATCHING US CRAZY GUYS
JUMP OUT OF AIRPLANES,

SHE FINALLY DECIDED
SHE WANTED TO TRY IT.

REMEMBER THAT, ED?

WE TOOK HER UP,

PRACTICALLY HAD
TO SHOVE HER OUT THE DOOR.

OH, SHE HAD A GOOD TIME,

BUT PUNCHED HER CARCASS WRONG,
BROKE HER ARM IN 3 PLACES.

LUCKILY WE DIDN'T HAVE
TO SHOOT HER. RIGHT, GUYS?

HA HA HA!

Ed: WE'RE
APPROACHING, SIR.

TAKE HER DOWN.

YOU TRUST ME,
DON'T YOU, BENJAMIN?

OH, YES, SIR!

THEN LET'S
DO IT TO IT!

OH, GOD!

TELL YOUR MEN
TO HANG ON, BENJAMIN!

HANG ON, MEN!

WHOO!

OH, GOD!

* MY SISTERS AND ME *

* COME ON
AND SING IT TO ME *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* YEAH *

* GET UP, EVERYBODY,
AND SING *

* GET UP
AND SING IT TO ME *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* WE'RE HAVING
LOTS OF FUN *

* I GOT ALL MY SISTERS
AND ME *

* AND SING IT,
SING IT TO ME *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* HEY *

* GET UP, EVERYBODY,
AND SING *

* OHH *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* I GOT ALL MY SISTERS
AND ME *

* OHH *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* YOU ALL BELIEVE IT *

* GET UP, EVERYBODY,
AND SING *

* HEY *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* NOW, NOW, NOW, OH, OH *

* I GOT
ALL MY SISTERS AND ME *

* YEAH... *

ATTEN-HUT!

* I GOT MY SISTERS AND ME *

* GET UP, EVERYBODY,
AND SING *

* GET UP,
GET UP AND SING *

* WE ARE FAMILY *

* HEY, HEY, HEY-- *

[SLURRED]
WHOOP-DE-DO.

INSPECTION, LADIES.

WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
LADY LUCK.

DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME
WITH THOSE BABY BLUES.

I'M NOT THE GREAT THORNY.

WELL, YOU FINALLY SUCCEEDED
IN MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME,

DIDN'T YOU,
JUDY BENJAMIN?

MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.

WELL, I'VE GOT A REWARD
FOR YOU, MY LITTLE HERO.

YOU'RE ALL GONNA SCOUR
EVERY INCH OF THIS RAT'S NEST.

INSIDE AND OUT,
AND I MEAN...

I MEAN THE BED FRAMES,
THE WINDOW LEDGES,

THE LINOLEUM...

THE TOILET SEATS...

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Winter:
MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

All:
MA'AM, YES, MA'AM.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

All:
MA'AM, YES, MA'AM!

THANK YOU.

IT BREAKS
MY LITTLE OL' HEART

TO HAVE TO BUST UP
OUR WINNING TEAM,

BUT I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED
TO A NEW POST.

A GOOD POST!

LET'S NOT KEEP IN TOUCH,
SHALL WE?

[TAPS PLAYING]

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUTTERING]

Lewis:
...LOVELY SOFT POST.

COME ON.

GOOD POST.

"LET'S NOT...

KEEP IN TOUCH,
SHALL WE?"

AAH!

[ARMY BAND PLAYING]

Thornbush: AT EASE.

DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GOING
TO MAKE IT, DID YOU?

[CHUCKLING]

YOU WILL NO LONGER
BE KNOWN AS TRAINEES.

ALL RIGHT.
WHOO!

YOU HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT
TO CALL YOURSELVES
UNITED STATES SOLDIERS,

AND I AM DAMN PROUD OF
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.

YEAH.

ON MONDAY, YOU WILL RECEIVE

YOUR ADVANCED INDIVIDUAL
TRAINING ASSIGNMENTS.

EACH OF YOU...

[SNICKERING]

WILL BE GIVEN
A SPECIAL RESPONSIBILITY

WHICH WILL PLAY A KEY ROLE

IN THE DEFENSE
OF THE FREE WORLD.

MY HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS
AND BEST WISHES.

I ALMOST FORGOT.

DISMISSED TILL
0800 MONDAY MORNING,

AND HAVE A GOOD ONE!

[CHEERING]

[JAZZ BAND PLAYING]

OOH.

OH, WOW.
THAT'S COOL.

WELL...
GOOD EVENING, LADIES.

WE'RE NOT
INTERESTED.

SORRY. SORRY.

BENJAMIN!

ALL RIGHT,
I'M UPTIGHT, OK?

GET YOURSELF A DRINK.
WE'RE GONNA CRUISE.

SOYER, COME HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUDY BENJAMIN,
THIS IS JOHNNY ROURKE.

HELLO.
HI THERE.

AND KIM--I FORGET
YOUR LAST NAME.

OSAKA.

HELLO.
HOW DO YOU DO?

COME ON, SWEETHEART,
LET'S GO.

SO...

WHAT'S HAPPENING, JUDY?

Man:
OH, EXCUSE ME.

BOURBON, NO ICE.

Kim: I'M WITH
OY VIDEO, TOKYO.

JOHNNY IS MY SOUTHEASTERN
U.S. SALES MANAGER.

HE ALWAYS SHOWS ME
A HIP TIME.

HEY, JUDY...

WHAT TIME IS IT?

I JUST TOOK
YOUR PICTURE, MAMA!

VERY HIP.

WELL, LOOK, I'VE GOT
TO GO BACK TO THE BASE.

HEY, JUDY,
WHERE'S THE FIRE?

COME ON...

THIS COULD BE
A BIG NIGHT FOR YOU.

SINCERELY.

JUDY?

LIZ?

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

OHH...
LISTEN, UM, THANKS,

BUT I DON'T
NEED THE LOAN.

SO, TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING IN NEW ORLEANS?

MY FATHER'S HERE
ON A MEDICAL CONFERENCE,

SO WE ALL CAME DOWN.

COME SEE THEM.
THEY'LL DIE.

WAIT, WAIT. WHO IS THAT
WITH YOUR PARENTS?

OH, HE'S A FRENCH
GYNECOLOGIST.

HE AND MY FATHER SPOKE ON
THE LAMAZE PLAN TOGETHER.

HE'S TOTALLY GORGEOUS,
ISN'T HE?

TOTALLY.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR JEFFREY,
I'D GO FOR HIM MYSELF.

LOOK WHO I FOUND!

JUDY! MY GOD!

HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE.

YOU LOOK
WONDERFUL!

COME GIVE ME A HUG!

THANK YOU. OH!

SIT DOWN.

OHH.

HENRI TREMONT.

BENJAMIN, JUDY.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
G.I. JUDY.

WE'RE CALLING YOUR PARENTS
THE SECOND WE GET HOME.

THEY'LL BE SO THRILLED
THAT WE SAW YOU.

YOUR MOTHER'S
COMING ALONG VERY NICELY.

SHE GAINED BACK
SOME OF THE WEIGHT.

CHAMPAGNE?

I'D LOVE SOME.
THANK YOU.

WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
SINCE YALE'S FUNER--

UH, BY THE WAY,

I CAN'T GET OVER YOU
IN THIS ARMY OUTFIT.

THIS IS A GIRL WHO
DIDN'T GET IN THE POOL

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT
TO GET HER HAIR WET.

THIS IS TRUE.

TELL US WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO BE A WAC.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
I'M NOT A WAC.

SO, HOW OFTEN DO YOU
TALK TO YOUR FOLKS?

TELL HENRI HOW LONG
WE'VE KNOWN YOUR PARENTS.

OH, ABOUT--

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT?

YES.

LEO AND I
AND JUDY'S PARENTS

DOUBLE-DATED
IN ATLANTIC CITY

WAY BEFORE EVEN ANY ONE
OF US WAS MARRIED.

IT WASN'T ATLANTIC CITY,
IT WAS ASBURY PARK,

BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO ASBURY PARK IN MY LIFE!

DARLING, WE'VE
DISCUSSED THIS BEFORE.

NO, WE HAVEN'T.
I KNOW WHERE I'VE BEEN!

WOULD YOU
LIKE TO DANCE?

I'D LOVE TO DANCE.

THE LEMISHES ARE
REALLY TERRIFIC PEOPLE,

BUT 4 HOURS OF MAKING
LONG STORIES SHORT

IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

4 HOURS?
TRY 28 YEARS.

[CHUCKLES]

WELL, I'VE NEVER DANCED
WITH A SOLDIER BEFORE.

WELL, I'VE NEVER DANCED
AS A SOLDIER BEFORE.

I KIND OF LIKE IT.

SO DO I.

YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND
IN THIS ARMY?

NO.

DON'T YOU GET LONELY?

HOW DID YOU LEARN TO
SPEAK ENGLISH SO WELL?

BALTIMORE.
MARYLAND?

YES. I WENT TO MEDICAL
SCHOOL AT JOHNS HOPKINS.

TRES BIEN.

PARLEZ-VOUS
FRANCAIS?

OUI, JE PARLE
FRANCAIS UN PEU.

UM, JE MANGE...

TU MANGES...

NOUS--VOUS MANGEZ,
NOUS MANGEONS--

VOTRE ACCENT
EST TRES BON.

THANK YOU.

HUH.

I--I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE IN THIS ARMY.

WELL, IF I KNEW YOU BETTER,
I'D SHOW YOU MY DOG TAGS.

HOW MUCH BETTER?

Oh, God,
I don't believe this.

LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.

OH, GOD...

HENRI, I'M...

I'M REALLY
ATTRACTED TO YOU,

BUT I'M NOT READY
TO MAKE LOVE TO A MAN

I JUST MET AN HOUR
AND A HALF AGO.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S JUST
THE WAY I AM.

USUALLY BY THE TIME
I KISS A GUY,

I ALREADY KNOW
HIS MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.

WISH I KNEW YOU BETTER.

I'M 34...

AND I LIVE ALONE
IN NEUILLY.

IT'S ON THE OUTSKIRTS
OF PARIS.

I'M AN ONLY CHILD...

AND MY FATHER
IS ALSO A DOCTOR.

WHAT ELSE?

WHEN I'M NOT WORKING,
I PLAY SOCCER.

LET'S SEE, UH...

I'M JEWISH.

AHH!

AHH!

AHH!

OOH!

OOH...

[SIGHS]

OH.

NOW I KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN
FAKING ALL THESE YEARS.

THAT WAS YOUR FIRST?

AND SECOND.

WHERE ARE YOU
GOING?

JUST TO GET
A SIP OF CHAMPAGNE.

I WANT TO GO
WITH YOU.

[GIGGLING]

WHOOPS.

MMM! OOH!

OH! OH, I'M SORRY.

NO, I'M NOT.

[CHUCKLES]

WHAT?

"PRIVATE BENJAMIN."

MEETING YOU TONIGHT
WAS...

IT WAS JUST
WHAT I NEEDED.

MMM.

OH...WHAT YOU NEEDED?

OHH.

IF YOU'RE
EVER IN PARIS.

IF YOU'RE
EVER IN BILOXI.

REALLY, I...

IT WAS NICE
MEETING YOU.

WHOO!

SHIT.

HEY, WHAT
DID YOU GET?

MP SCHOOL.

GREAT! YOU CAN PUT YOUR
VIOLENCE TO GOOD USE.

HEY! SMOKE AND FLAMES
SPECIALIST.

WHAT IS THAT?

FIREMAN!
OH!

I GOT TRANSFERRED
TO FORT ORD, CALIFORNIA.

OH, MY GOD, YOU GOT
THE YACHTS, HONEY.

SHE GOT THE YACHTS!

WHAT?

O.C.S.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

OH, YOU'RE GOING
TO BE AN OFFICER.

THERE GOES
A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

OH, SHUT UP!
WHAT DID YOU GET?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PETRIFIED.

EXCUSE ME.

OK, WHERE'S "BENJAMIN"?

RIGHT THERE.

THORNBIRDS?!

ME?!

THEY DON'T HAVE
WOMEN THORNBIRDS.

THEY DO NOW.

* ZUM, ZUM, ZUM, ZUM *

* I WAS A SKINNY
FRIGHTENED LAD *

* NO MORE THAN 17 *

* THE SORRIEST EXCUSE
FOR A MAN *

* THAT YOU HAVE EVER SEEN *

* BUT NOW I AM A THORNBIRD *

* AND AS PROUD AS I CAN BE *

* COLONEL THORNBUSH
MADE A MAN OUT OF ME *

* ZUM, ZUM, ZUM, ZUM *

* GLORY, GLORY, I'LL BE
FALLING THROUGH THE SKY *

* GLORY, GLORY,
I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE *

* GLORY, GLORY,
I'M AS PROUD AS I CAN BE *

* COLONEL THORNBUSH
MADE A MAN OUT OF ME... *

PLEASE,
I DON'T WANT TO.

I DON'T--WAIT!
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

* GLORY, GLORY, I'LL BE
FALLING THROUGH THE SKY *

* GLORY, GLORY,
I AM NOT AFRAID TO DIE *

* GLORY, GLORY,
I'M AS PROUD AS I CAN BE *

* COLONEL THORNBUSH
MADE A MAN OUT OF ME *

* COLONEL THORNBUSH
MADE A MAN OUT OF ME *

* LEFT, LEFT,
LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT *

[CHANTING CADENCE]

WELL, BENJAMIN.

GOOD MORNING,
SIR.

LIKE YOU
TO MEET MY WIFE.

HI. GOOD TO MEET YOU,
MRS. THORNBUSH.

AND IT'S GOOD TO MEET YOU,
MISS LADY THORNBIRD.

I'VE HEARD
A LOT ABOUT YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.

I GUESS THIS
IS THE THORNDOG.

SHAKE, SCRABBLE.

OH, GAD, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS
ABOUT THE BIG JUMP TOMORROW.

THE COLONEL SAYS
I CAN DO IT, MA'AM.

I GUESS I CAN.

YOU KNOW
THE COLONEL'S MOTTO--

"LIFE IS A SERIES
OF CHALLENGES...

TO BE MET
AND MASTERED."

YES!

I HOPE YOU CATCH A CLOUD,
BENJAMIN.

NOT A FEELING LIKE IT
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YOU'RE IN A VEIL OF WHITE,

NOT A SOUND EXCEPT
THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART.

IT'S GODLIKE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU MUST BE VERY SPECIAL,
BENJAMIN.

THE BIG T IS A GREAT
JUDGE OF CHARACTER.

COME ON, MOTHER,
WE'D BETTER STOP GABBING.

LET THIS SOLDIER
GET SOME CHOW.

GOOD-BYE, SIR.

COLONEL?

I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOUR CONFIDENCE IN ME.

I'M NOT GOING
TO LET YOU DOWN.

I'LL SEE YOU AT
13,000 FEET, BENJAMIN, OK?

OY VAY.

Thornbush: LET'S GO!
THIS ISN'T FOR PLAY ANYMORE!

LET'S GO! GO! GO!

GO ON AND SOAR!
YOU'RE A THORNBIRD!

GO! HERE WE GO!

COME, BENJAMIN, LET'S GO!

THROUGH THE DOOR!
LET'S GO, BENJAMIN!

COME ON, BENJAMIN!
LET'S GO!

GO, BENJAMIN!
GO! LET'S GO! GO!

NO! I CAN'T!

YOU CAN DO IT!
TRUST ME!

I CAN'T.

YES, YOU CAN!

I'M ASHAMED TO SAY IT,
BUT I'M AFRAID TO DIE!

I'M AFRAID,
COLONEL THORNY!

TAKE IT EASY.

NO. I CAN'T!

I'M AFRAID
MY CHUTE WON'T OPEN!

I DON'T KNOW
WHO FOLDED IT!

WOULD YOU CALM DOWN,
BENJAMIN?

WHAT IF I FALL
UPSIDE DOWN?

I COULD VOMIT
IN MIDAIR--

TAKE IT EASY!

OH, GOD! I'M NOT
A GREAT BIRD, SIR!

I TRIED TO BE MACHO,

BUT THOSE GUYS ARE BETTER
AT BEING MEN THAN I AM.

WOULD YOU RELAX, BENJAMIN?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!

I DON'T?

NO. TAKE IT EASY, GIRL.
SHAPE UP!

YEAH. YEAH.

YOU BETTER?

YEAH--YEAH,
I FEEL BETTER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO JUMP.

OH, YOU'RE--
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS
IN WHICH YOU CAN SERVE.

MMF!

MMF! MMF!

HAPPY, DARLING?

OH, YOU WANT IT, BENJAMIN.
YOU KNOW YOU DO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I CAN SMELL FEAR IN ANY MAN
AND PASSION IN ANY WOMAN.

NO!

YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT,
BENJAMIN!

OH, MY GOD,
THIS ISN'T
HAPPENING TO ME!

I'M GOING TO TAKE
YOU NOW, BENJAMIN.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

SUDDENLY, I FEEL
A LITTLE NAUSEOUS.

COME TO PAPA.

I DON'T THINK SO, SIR,
BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

AAH!

MY GOD, OPEN, PLEASE!

AAH!

OH.

AT EASE, BENJAMIN.

I'M GLAD YOU MADE IT
BACK IN ONE PIECE.

LISTEN, I'D LIKE
TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THAT LITTLE INDISCRETION
YESTERDAY IN THE AIR.

IT WAS AN UNFORGIVABLE
BREACH OF DISCIPLINE.

AND TASTE, SIR.

YEAH, WELL...

I HOPE IT HASN'T SOURED
YOU ON THE MILITARY.

THE ONLY QUESTION
NOW SEEMS TO BE

HOW LONG YOU CAN CONTINUE
BEING A THORNBIRD.

HOPEFULLY
NOT TOO LONG, SIR.

UNDERSTOOD.

THAT'S WHY I'VE ASKED
TO HAVE YOU PUT ON

SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT,

TRANSFERRED
TO ANOTHER POST.

A SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT
ON THE GROUND, I HOPE, SIR?

A DESK JOB
IN PROCUREMENT.

PROCUREMENT?

THAT'S PURCHASING.

I'VE GOT YOUR ORDERS.
YOU LEAVE AT 1500.

[SIGHS]

GREENLAND?

WHAT, PENGUINS?
FORGET IT.

FORGET IT.

I WAS IN THE FIRST WAVE
WITH THE RANGERS

AT NORMANDY ON D-DAY.

IN 1952, I WAS STANDING
WITH MY TROOPS

ON THE BANKS
OF THE YALU RIVER,

WAITING TO GO.

THE FIELD TELEPHONE RANG.
IT WAS DOUG MacARTHUR.

"COME ON HOME, THORNY.
IT'S NOT OUR YEAR."

NOW, I AM A GOOD LEADER--
NO, I AM A GREAT LEADER!

AND I'M GOING TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING, HONEY.

YOUR ASS IS GOING
TO GREENLAND FOR A REASON.

I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE YOU

SHOOTING YOUR MOUTH OFF
ALL OVER BILOXI,

BLEMISHING MY RECORD
WITH INNUENDO.

INNUENDO? TRY RAPE.

HOW ABOUT GUAM?

MY HAIR WILL FRIZZ.

OKINAWA.

MALARIA?

PASS.

WE HAVE BASES
ALL OVER THE WORLD.

Judy: DEAR GLASS,

HELLO FROM BELGIUM.

SORRY IT'S TAKEN ME
SO LONG TO WRITE,

BUT I'VE BEEN
INCREDIBLY BUSY.

S.H.A.P.E.
IS AN AMAZING PLACE,

THE TOP MILITARY
HEADQUARTERS IN EUROPE--

DEFINITELY THE MOST EXCITING
DUTY A SOLDIER COULD PULL.

MY M.O.S. IS
PURCHASING SPECIALIST,

THE ONE JOB I'VE TRAINED FOR
ALL MY LIFE.

MY SUPERIOR
IS A TERRIFIC GUY,

A TURKISH OFFICER NAMED
LIEUTENANT RAHMI.

HOWEVER, THE BEST THAT CAN
BE SAID ABOUT HIS ENGLISH

IS THAT IT'S BETTER THAN
MY TURKISH.

[TURKISH ACCENT]
BENJAMIN. COME.

SIT.

BENJAMIN,

I NEED THE INFORMATION
ON THE DRIVING COURSES.

DRIVING COURSES?

YES, SIR, I'M WORKING
ON THAT NOW, SIR.

EXCELLENT.

I WANT YOU TO READ IT
TO THE COUNCIL.

YOU WANT ME TO READ IT
TO THE COUNCIL?

DO YOU WANT ME TO READ IT
TO THE COUNCIL?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[ADOPTS ACCENT] PRIVATE
BENHAMIN--BENJAMIN.

Judy: I FOUND
A CHARMING APARTMENT

THROUGH AN AD
IN STARS AND STRIPES.

IT'S RIGHT OVER A BAKERY,
HAS A HOT PLATE,

WARM AND COLD
RUNNING WATER,

AND ALL THE CROISSANTS
I CAN EAT.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY VERSAILLES,
BUT IT'S HOME.

FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MONTHS,

I FEEL THAT THINGS
ARE REALLY GOING MY WAY.

I FINALLY GOT UP THE NERVE
TO PAY HENRI A SURPRISE VISIT.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
HOW IT TURNS OUT.

GOD, I HOPE
HE REMEMBERS ME.

MY LOVE
TO MOE AND GIANELLI,

VOTRE AMIE,
PRIVATE B.

UH, LET'S SEE.

JUST GOT INTO TOWN.

I'M FEELING
KIND OF LONELY.

OH, NO,
DON'T SAY LONELY.

OH, GOD.

HENRI?

JUDY.

JUDY.

HI.

Henri: I KNOW,
IT'S A GREAT HOUSE,

BUT DON'T BE IMPRESSED.
IT'S A HAND-ME-DOWN.

[HONKS HORN]

BONJOUR.

MORNING.

9:00. GOD, I HAVEN'T SLEPT
THIS LATE IN 3 MONTHS.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I PLAY SOCCER
ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.

[HORN HONKS]

OH, MERDE, I'M LATE.

WELL, I HAVE
TO GO ANYWAY.

NO, NO, NO, DON'T--
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, PLEASE.

PLEASE STAY. I WANT YOU
TO BE HERE WHEN I GET BACK.

BE BACK BY 3:00, REALLY.

I'M GOING
TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU
TO MY FAVORITE BISTRO.

WE WILL LISTEN TO
SOME NICE ITALIAN JAZZ.

[DOG BARKING]

Henri: MAX.

HEY, HEY.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

HELLO, BABY.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

OH, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SIT.

SIT.

SIT.

THAT DOG IS DEAF.

[YELLS IN FRENCH]

[HORN HONKS]

WAIT FOR ME,
PLEASE, HUH?

I COULD GET USED TO YOU.

[DOG URINATES]

MAX!

[WHIMPERING]

SALAUD!

[MUTTERS IN FRENCH]

[YELLING IN FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

MERDE!

I PAID 8,000 FRANCS
FOR THIS RUG.

I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.

HE JUST--HE GETS NERVOUS
AROUND NEW PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

HE'S NOT
THE ONLY ONE.

[CAR HONKS HORN]

Man: HENRI!

[HENRI
SPEAKING FRENCH]

I HAVE
TO CLEAN THIS UP.

LOOK, YOU GO PLAY.
I'LL CLEAN UP.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'LL CLEAN IT.
GO PLAY.

ALL RIGHT.

I ADORE YOU.

"THERE ARE 2 BIDS LIEUTENANT
RAHMI AND I RECOMMEND.

"THE FIRST IS SERGIO DEVODO'S
DRIVING ACADEMY,

"WHICH HAS TAUGHT
EVASIVE DRIVING TECHNIQUES

"TO THE CHAUFFEURS
OF SUCH DIGNITARIES

"AS GENERAL
ALEXANDER HAIG,

"PRESIDENT
GISCARD D'ESTAING,

MICK JAGGER--"

Man: EXCUSE ME,
PRIVATE BENJAMIN,

BUT I'M AFRAID I MISSED

THE SECURITY DATA
ON THESE DRIVERS.

THE SECURITY DATA WAS
UNAVAILABLE TO ME, SIR.

WELL, WHO'S HERE
FROM SECURITY?

AHEM.

I AM, SIR.

UH, THAT MATERIAL IS
HIGHLY CLASSIFIED, SIR.

I AM CERTAIN THAT
THIS SOLDIER

IS NOT CLEARED
FOR THAT LEVEL.

WELL, THEN,
CLEAR HER, CAPTAIN.

SIR?

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

NO, SIR.

THEN WE'LL EXPECT
THE REVISED REPORT

BY THE NEXT
COUNCIL SESSION.

GENTLEMEN...

CHOW TIME.

GOOD JOB.

BEHAVE YOURSELF,
JUDY BENJAMIN,

OR I AM GOING TO DRUM
YOUR ASS OUT OF S.H.A.P.E.

SO FAST IT'LL MAKE
YOUR HEAD SPIN.

HMM?

SORRY, HELGA.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND,
DOREEN?

OH, SHE'S NO FRIEND.

LISTEN, THE BAGS
ARE PACKED.

I'LL MAKE SANDWICHES.

Henri: MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
CLAIRE PAINTED IT.

Judy: WHAT'S IT
SUPPOSED TO BE, DEATH?

NO, IT'S
A SELF-PORTRAIT.

HOW LONG AGO DID YOU
AND THIS, UM...

PAINTER BREAK UP?

14 WEEKS AGO, MONDAY.

OH, YOU'RE STILL
COUNTING IT IN WEEKS, HUH?

HOW COME YOU BROKE UP?

OR IS THAT TOO PERSONAL
A QUESTION?

NO.

CLAIRE IS
A BRILLIANT WOMAN.

I EVEN JOINED
THE COMMUNIST PARTY

FOR HER...FOR A WEEK.

NOT ROMANTIC, THOUGH.

MUCH TOO INDEPENDENT.

HAVE YOU EVER LOVED
A TORTURED ARTIST?

ONLY TORTURED LAWYERS.

YOUR FIRST HUSBAND
WAS A LAWYER, HUH?

NO. RICK WAS A TENNIS PRO
AT THE EL SAN JUAN.

MY THERAPIST SAID THAT
I HAD A NEUROTIC NEED

TO FIND
A FATHER FIGURE,

AND HE HAD A NEUROTIC NEED
TO FIND A FATHER-IN-LAW

WHO HAD A LOT OF MONEY.

OH, YOU KNOW, I--

I MARRIED MEN I HAVEN'T FELT
THIS COMFORTABLE WITH.

Lewis: WHAT'S THE STORY

WITH YOU AND THIS
TREMONT CHARACTER, JUDY?

WHY ARE YOU
SPYING ON ME?

YOUR LOVERBOY'S
A RED, BENJAMIN.

Judy:
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

HE WAS A RED
FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS

BECAUSE OF SOME WOMAN
HE USED TO GO OUT WITH.

NOBODY STOPS BEING
A COMMUNIST, BENJAMIN.

IT'S A TERMINAL DISEASE,

AND, I, FOR ONE, AM NOT
GOING TO SIT AROUND

WITH MY THUMB UP MY ASS

WHILE YOU DIVULGE
CLASSIFIED INFORMATION

DURING THE THROES
OF PASSION.

UH-UH.

OH, PLEASE.

I CAN BARELY SPEAK DURING
THE THROES OF PASSION.

BELIEVE ME, HENRI TREMONT
IS AS MUCH A COMMUNIST AS ME.

OR YOU.

IF PATTON WERE ALIVE,

HE WOULD SLAP YOUR FACE.

AS YOU WERE.

CAPTAIN LEWIS?

UH...

PRIVATE BENJAMIN HAS MADE
HERSELF VULNERABLE

TO A RED, SIR.

I READ THE REPORT,
LEWIS.

IT'S NOT TRUE, SIR.

NOW, JUDY, WE'RE NOT--

WE'RE NOT BLIND
TO THE FACT

THAT HALF OF EUROPE
IS COMMUNISTIC...

BUT HERE AT S.H.A.P.E.,

THEY'RE STILL THE ENEMY.

GENERAL FOLEY, HENRI TREMONT
IS NOT A COMMUNIST.

HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.

CAPTAIN LEWIS IS HUNG UP
ON A TECHNICALITY.

WELL, I'M SORRY,
BENJAMIN,

BUT IT'S AGAINST
THE REGULATIONS

FOR YOU TO ASSOCIATE
WITH THIS MAN.

NOW, I SEE THAT
YOU'RE UP FOR PROMOTION,

AND I'D HATE
TO SEE THIS INCIDENT

JEOPARDIZE YOUR CAREER.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO TELL ME, SIR?

IT'S EITHER HIM

OR US.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

TEDDY?

[RING]

Teddy: HARRIET!

TEDDY?

HARRIET!

[RING]

CAN'T YOU HEAR?

CAN'T YOU MOVE?

HELLO?

JUDY?

OH--TEDDY, IT'S JUDY.

JUDY WHO?

DARLING, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU WHAT?

OH.

OH. TEDDY...

SHE'S GETTING MARRIED.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING RING]

[RING RING]

[RING RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

OH, MONSIEUR
SCHIFFMAN.

OH, THANK GOD.

UM...

CA FAIT 15 JOURS

QUE JE SAIS
DE VOUS PARLER.

LISTEN, UM,

THE TABLECLOTHS--

LES NAPPES

SONT ABSOLUMENT

HORRIBLES.

THEY'RE TERRIBLE.
THE COLOR--

LE COULEUR--
IT'S ALL WRONG.

SEE, THE--

TOUT LES DáCORS
DE MARIAGE--

OF THE WEDDING
IS IN YELLOW--

JAUNE--

AND BUTTERSCOTCH.

AND, UH,

WELL, RIGHT NOW, I'M
LOOKING AT SOMETHING

ENTRE

CANARI

ET BANANE.

GABBY!

OUI, MADAME?

WHAT?

OH, PARDON,
MADAME.

I GET
THE--THE HOOVER.

PARDON.

WAS SHE A GOOD MAID
BEFORE SHE MET ME?

YOU THINK IT'S SMART
TO FIRE THE HOUSEKEEPER

JUST BEFORE THE WEDDING?

NO.

ESPECIALLY WITH
YOUR PARENTS COMING.

THIS IS TRUE.

OK, SHE STAYS UNTIL
AFTER THE WEDDING.

YOU LOOK
VERY BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

SO DO YOU.

SO WHAT DID YOUR FRIENDS
SAY WHEN THEY CALLED?

OH, THEY'RE COMING OVER ON
ARMY TRANSPORT NEXT WEEK.

I CAN'T WAIT
TO SEE THEM.

IT'S GOING TO BE
SO MUCH FUN,

AND GLASS
IS LEARNING FRENCH.

HONEY,
WHO WAS THAT?

IT WAS CLAIRE.

CLAIRE?

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OVER
THIS OBSESSION WITH CLAIRE.

YOU WERE STANDING THERE
WITH YOUR TONGUE HANGING OUT.

YES, I WAS SURPRISED
TO SEE HER.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS
STILL IN IBIZA.

SURPRISED?

CALL IT CATATONIC.

JUDY, YOU DON'T SEE ME
GETTING HUNG UP

ON YOUR OLD BOYFRIENDS
AND HUSBANDS, DO YOU?

DO YOU?

JUDY...

LISTEN TO ME.

COME HERE.

I LOVE YOU.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED
IN A WEEK.

I WANT TO HAVE
A BABY WITH YOU.

YOU DO?

OH, HONEY...

I'D LOVE TO HAVE A BABY.

I WAS BEGINNING TO THINK
I WAS GETTING TOO OLD.

BABY, HONEY.

I WANT US TO BE
TOGETHER ALWAYS.

WE WILL, HONEY.

GOOD.

JUST THE REALITY
OF THINGS--

SOMETIMES, THEY DON'T
ALWAYS WORK OUT

EXACTLY AS THEY ARE
PLANNED, SO...

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I...

WANT YOU
TO SIGN THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

CONTRACT OF MARRIAGE--

A LETTER OF
FINANCIAL AGREEMENT.

NOW, IF, GOD FORBID,

SOMETHING SHOULD EVER
HAPPEN BETWEEN US,

IT JUST...
HELPS US REMAIN FRIENDS.

I DON'T WANT
TO BE YOUR FRIEND.

I WANT TO BE YOUR WIFE.

IT'S COMPLETELY FAIR.

I JUST ALLOCATED
FOR MYSELF

WHAT WAS MINE
BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED.

JUDY, YOU CAN'T
EXPECT ME

TO GIVE YOU
HALF OF A HOUSE

THAT'S BEEN IN MY FAMILY
FOR CENTURIES.

HONEY,

WE DON'T NEED THIS KIND
OF THING BETWEEN US.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE IT.

I CAN'T GET MARRIED
WITHOUT IT.

IT'S IN FRENCH.

PLEASE.

"PRIVATE BENJAMIN"?

DID I WRITE THAT?

I'M SORRY. I...

I JUST CROSS IT OUT?

UH, INITIAL IT.

WHAT SHALL WE DO
TONIGHT?

SHALL WE SHOW UP
AT THE REGIES'?

[GROCER YELLING
IN FRENCH]

AH...

OK.

I TOOK HENRI'S CAR
TO THE SHOP.

I MADE HENRI'S
HAIR APPOINTMENT,

TOOK MAX TO THE VET,

PICKED UP
HENRI'S COFFEE AT 1:00.

YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER

THAT I USED TO BE
A VERY ACTIVE PERSON.

I MEAN, I WAS JUMPING
OUT OF AIRPLANES,

AND AT S.H.A.P.E.,
IT WAS NONSTOP CHAOS.

BUT YOU'RE NOT THINKING
ABOUT OPENING A STORE AGAIN.

NO, NO, YOU WERE RIGHT
ABOUT THAT, ACTUALLY.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN
TOO MUCH OF A HASSLE.

IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

BUT THERE HAVE TO BE
OTHER CHOICES, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I DID TODAY?

NO.

I REARRANGED
MY CLOSET...

FOR 3 HOURS.

NOW, THERE'S DEFINITELY

SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THAT, ISN'T THERE?

OHH...

AM I MAKING SENSE?

NO...

AND THAT'S WHAT
I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

AH, THIS IS THE COLOR HAIR
I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE.

I LOVE IT.

[WOMAN SPEAKING FRENCH
OVER P.A.]

JUDY!

JUDY!

OHH...

OH, RITA HAYWORTH,
I SWEAR TO GOD.

OH, I WOULDN'T HAVE
RECOGNIZED YOU.

STUNNING. TURN AROUND.
LET ME SEE THE OUTFIT.

OH, GOD, DOLL,
GORGEOUS--

AN ABSOLUTE VISION.

THE HAIR IS THE WORST.

TO SEE YOU LOOKING LIKE
YOUR OLD SELF AGAIN--

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU AND I
WOULD'VE DONE IN HER SITUATION.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS,

JUDY'S JUDY AGAIN.

TELL THE TRUTH, JUDE.
YOU DON'T MISS THE ARMY.

WHAT'S TO MISS,
$400 A MONTH?

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT
THAT WHOLE ARMY BUSINESS

WAS THAT
WHAT'S-HER-NAME.

CAPTAIN LEWIS?

Kissy: I HOPE MY COAT'S
GOING TO BE GOOD ENOUGH.

I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS
GOING TO BE SO CHILLY.

Harriet: IT'S NOVEMBER
HERE, KISSY.

Teddy: IT'S NOVEMBER
EVERYWHERE, GENIUS.

Henri: SIT!

I WAS TALKING TO MAX.

Judy: OH.

IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU UP.

EXCUSE ME
FOR INTERRUPTING...

BUT DOES THIS
BELONG TO ANYONE?

BECAUSE I'M POSITIVE
IT ISN'T MINE.

OUI, MADAME.
WHERE DID YOU FIND IT?

WHERE YOU LEFT IT.

MAY I ASK WHAT YOU
WERE DOING IN MY BED?

I WAS NOT
IN YOUR BED, MADAME.

I MAKE YOUR BED.

IT--IT MUST'VE FALLEN.

JUDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
HOW THIS LITTLE ITEM

GOT INTO MY BED.

[CRYING AND
SPEAKING FRENCH]

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

JUDY, GIVE GABRIELLE
BACK THE CROSS.

GABRIELLE,
VA A TA CHAMBRE.

JE M'EXCUSE.

[HENRI
SPEAKING FRENCH]

WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO THINK?

SHE'S THE WORST MAID
IN THE WORLD!

ENOUGH! PLEASE!

WHAT THE HELL HAS
GOTTEN INTO YOU LATELY?

YOU KNOW, LATELY,
I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING

WITH THE KID
FROM THE EXORCIST.

2 WEEKS AGO, JUDY,
I WAS LIKE A GOD TO YOU.

YOU COULD NOT DO
ENOUGH FOR ME.

NOW YOU SHOW ME
NO RESPECT.

I RESPECT YOU.

JUDY, YOU JUST ACCUSED ME
OF SLEEPING WITH GABRIELLE.

DO YOU THINK I AM SO LOW
AS TO SEDUCE A CHILD?

DO YOU?

HONEY, I'M--

I'M NERVOUS.

I'M VERY NERVOUS,
AND, UH...

I--I KNOW THAT ONCE
WE GET MARRIED

EVERYTHING'S
GOING TO BE FINE.

I'M SORRY.

I FLY 6,000 MILES TO ATTEND
MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING,

AND THE GROOM
IS PLAYING SOCCER.

DADDY, PLEASE.
HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

HE PROBABLY WENT
INTO OVERTIME.

MONSIEUR, MY SON
IS VERY RELIABLE.

HE WILL BE HERE
SHORTLY.

IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT.

[HORN HONKS]

HENRI EST ICI.

JEAN PAUL.

JUDY. CA VA?

HI.

HI.

WHERE'S HENRI?

HENRI?

WHY, THE BUM NEVER
SHOWED UP FOR THE GAME.

ISN'T HE HERE?

NO.

HE NEVER SHOWED UP?

NO.

JUDY, I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

DON'T HATE ME FOR
SAYING THIS OR NOTHING,

BUT, HON, REALLY, UH,

YOU MIGHT BE
BETTER OFF, YOU KNOW?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

WELL...

I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS,

BUT YOU WERE
STARTING TO ACT

A LITTLE BIT
WEIRD AGAIN.

OH, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I'M A WRECK.

JUDY!

WHAT?

HE'S BACK!

OH.

HENRI.

MY GOD,
YOU LOOK PERFECT.

WHERE WERE YOU?

I'M FINE.

NO. WHERE WERE YOU?
I--I WAS SO SCARED.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

NO, I DO WANT TO KNOW.

I HAD TO SEE CLAIRE.

CLAIRE?

YOU WERE WITH CLAIRE?

JUDY, THE WOMAN
IS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.

YOU'VE NO IDEA
WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

NOW, PLEASE.

HENRI, THERE ARE 75 PEOPLE
OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU.

COULDN'T YOU HAVE PHONED?

DON'T BAD FRENCH ARTISTS
HAVE TELEPHONES?

JUDY, THE WOMAN
WAS OVERWROUGHT.

HER BOYFRIEND
BEAT HER UP.

I HAD TO PRESCRIBE
A SEDATIVE FOR HER.

THAT TAKES 2 MINUTES.
YOU WERE GONE 4 HOURS.

I KNOW.
THE PLACE WAS A MESS.

I HUNG UP THE CLOTHES,
AND I DID THE DISHES.

YOU DID CLAIRE'S DISHES?

JUDY, DO YOU WANT ME TO
STOP BEING NICE TO PEOPLE

JUST BECAUSE
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED?

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU COULD BE

WITH CLAIRE TODAY.

DO YOU WANT TO WALK DOWN
THE AISLE WITH ME OR NOT?

[PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

OUI.

C'EST BIEN.

LA BAGUE.

NOT SO FAST.

[CROWD MURMURS]

HENRI, I KNOW THIS IS
A VERY AWKWARD TIME TO DO THIS,

BUT I WANT TO BREAK UP.

TEDDY,
SHE'S CRAZY AGAIN.

JUDY, LISTEN TO ME,
DARLING.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE HAVING
AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

NOW, WE'LL GO UPSTAIRS,

AND I'LL GIVE YOU
A SHOT TO CALM DOWN.

NO, I WANT TO BE
PERFECTLY CONSCIOUS

WHEN I CALL A CAB.

A CAB? WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING TO ME?

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?
GABRIELLE?

I SLEPT WITH HER ONE NIGHT
WHEN YOU WERE ACTING CRAZY.

WE'LL FIRE HER
AFTER THE WEDDING.

HENRI...

YOU'RE SUCH A SCHMUCK.

Woman: WHAT DID SHE SAY?

DADDY...

MOM JUST FAINTED.

SCHMUCK?

WHEN I MET YOU,
YOU WERE IN THE ARMY.

YOU WERE NOTHING.

YOU WERE PICKING UP
STRANGERS IN BARS!

NOW JUST A MINUTE.

SHE WAS.

I'M GIVING YOU A FUTURE,
A HOME, AND A NAME.

FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,
DON'T BE STUPID!

HENRI.
WHAT?

THERE'S CLAIRE.
WHERE?

[CROWD GASPS]

DON'T CALL ME STUPID.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--