Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:35,231
( rock music playing )
2
00:00:35,231 --> 00:00:38,764
WOMAN: One, two.
One, two, three, four!
3
00:00:43,463 --> 00:00:49,428
♪ I've been out of the woods
For six days and nights now ♪
4
00:00:49,428 --> 00:00:55,427
♪ And I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling
All right now ♪
5
00:00:55,427 --> 00:01:01,460
♪ I got some money in my pocket
And I won't need a ride
Yeah ♪
6
00:01:01,460 --> 00:01:06,592
♪ Got a big-jetted car
And a baby by my side, yeah ♪
7
00:01:06,592 --> 00:01:10,292
♪ Well, I'm a little hard-wired
But I'm feeling okay ♪
8
00:01:10,292 --> 00:01:13,358
♪ And I got a little lost
Out along the way ♪
9
00:01:13,358 --> 00:01:16,824
♪ But I'm just
Around the corner
To the light of day ♪
10
00:01:16,824 --> 00:01:19,323
♪ Yeah ♪
11
00:01:19,323 --> 00:01:23,923
♪ I'm just around the corner
To the light of day, yeah ♪
12
00:01:25,655 --> 00:01:31,255
♪ I'm drivin' 500 miles
Got 500 to go, yeah ♪
13
00:01:31,255 --> 00:01:36,354
♪ I've got rock 'n' roll music
On my radio ♪♪
14
00:01:36,354 --> 00:01:39,219
Look, Debbie!
15
00:01:39,219 --> 00:01:42,419
Oh, my God, hi!
How are you?
16
00:01:42,419 --> 00:01:45,151
We watch your show all the time.
Good to see you.
17
00:01:45,151 --> 00:01:49,551
Thank you. Thank you.
All right. You have a good day.
18
00:01:49,551 --> 00:01:51,950
( all screaming ):
Bye!
19
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:58,650
MAN:
They say the only luck
is the luck you make.
20
00:01:58,650 --> 00:02:01,849
In the winter of '88,
I was the luckiest man alive.
21
00:02:01,849 --> 00:02:06,282
I had it all-- fame, fortune
and my own parking space...
22
00:02:06,282 --> 00:02:08,414
at Harrisburg's
trendiest bistro.
23
00:02:08,414 --> 00:02:11,647
I would have done anything
to keep it all.
24
00:02:11,647 --> 00:02:13,847
And, unfortunately,
I did.
25
00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:19,613
Jack, how are ya?
Good morning, Mr. Richards.
26
00:02:19,613 --> 00:02:21,578
Did you get a haircut?
Oh, yes.
27
00:02:21,578 --> 00:02:24,545
Yeah, it looks good.
Don't get too good-looking.
I'll be out of a job.
28
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,078
( chuckles ): Oh, how about
this winter weather, eh?
29
00:02:27,078 --> 00:02:29,844
Farmer's Almanac
sure didn't get it
right this year.
30
00:02:29,844 --> 00:02:32,943
"Caterpillar in June,
cold winter soon."
That's what they said.
31
00:02:32,943 --> 00:02:37,243
Well, amateurs, jack.
Hillbilly folklore,
that's all it is.
32
00:02:37,243 --> 00:02:39,742
You should write
your own almanac,
Mr. Richards.
33
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:42,308
Something people
could believe in.
34
00:02:42,308 --> 00:02:44,741
Maybe one day I will, Jack.
Maybe one day I will.
35
00:02:44,741 --> 00:02:47,274
Enjoy your breakfast.
Good morning.
36
00:02:47,274 --> 00:02:49,274
Wendy, how are you?
Just fine.
37
00:02:49,274 --> 00:02:53,440
Yeah. How's the cold?
Oh, it's just allergies,
I think.
38
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,472
Really? Oh, not allergic
to me, are you?
39
00:02:55,472 --> 00:02:59,905
No. ( laughs )
I don't think so.
40
00:02:59,905 --> 00:03:02,805
You're so bad.
Guilty as charged.
41
00:03:02,805 --> 00:03:05,637
I'll be right back
with your cantaloupe
and egg whites.
42
00:03:05,637 --> 00:03:08,437
Okay. You pick me a ripe one.
Excuse me, Mr. Richards.
43
00:03:08,437 --> 00:03:10,103
I'm sorry to bother you,
but can I get a picture?
44
00:03:10,103 --> 00:03:11,636
Well, sure.
It's my son's birthday,
45
00:03:11,636 --> 00:03:13,236
and he saw you walk in.
46
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,869
What's your name, Skipper?
Sam.
47
00:03:15,869 --> 00:03:18,236
Sam. Well, you're
a big fella, Samarino.
48
00:03:18,236 --> 00:03:20,235
How old are you today?
Twenty-seven?
49
00:03:20,235 --> 00:03:22,235
( chuckles ):
I'm five.
50
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:25,300
Five? Well,
how's the wife?
51
00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:28,367
All right.
Happy birthday.
52
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,566
Thanks for coming by. All right.
Thank you.
53
00:03:31,566 --> 00:03:33,899
Oh, you gotta love it.
Wow.
54
00:03:33,899 --> 00:03:37,065
You're Russ Richards,
aren't you?
55
00:03:37,065 --> 00:03:39,564
Last time I checked.
Well, hello!
56
00:03:39,564 --> 00:03:41,564
Hi. Here.
57
00:03:41,564 --> 00:03:45,930
Let me guess.
Mmm. It's a resume
of some sort,
58
00:03:45,930 --> 00:03:48,296
and you're looking for a job
in broadcasting.
59
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:50,896
Yeah, just read it.
Asshole.
60
00:03:53,562 --> 00:03:55,928
You are Mr. Lucky today.
61
00:03:55,928 --> 00:03:59,061
I found you the ripest melon
in Harrisburg.
62
00:03:59,061 --> 00:04:02,894
CHIPMUNKS:
♪ Christmas don't be late ♪♪
Fuck!
63
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:06,093
ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.
64
00:04:08,326 --> 00:04:11,392
Covering Harrisburg, York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
65
00:04:11,392 --> 00:04:14,425
it's News at Five with
Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
66
00:04:14,425 --> 00:04:17,391
and Russ Richards
with the weather.
67
00:04:23,523 --> 00:04:26,690
This is News at Five.
68
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:31,089
MAN: Good evening.
A Perry County teacher
is behind bars tonight...
69
00:04:31,089 --> 00:04:35,487
for allegedly locking
an unruly student
in a broom closet.
70
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:37,454
That story coming up.
71
00:04:37,454 --> 00:04:39,820
But first, let's check in
with the weather center...
72
00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:43,653
to see if these beautiful
spring-like temperatures
will continue.
73
00:04:43,653 --> 00:04:46,320
Russ?
Yes, it's the middle
of December,
74
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,419
and we still have more
60-degree weather
heading our way.
75
00:04:49,419 --> 00:04:52,285
Now don't panic, folks.
You're not in the twilight zone.
76
00:04:52,285 --> 00:04:54,751
( humming theme
from Twilight Zone )
77
00:04:54,751 --> 00:04:57,784
Now, on the downside,
if the weather gets any nicer,
78
00:04:57,784 --> 00:05:00,417
my Aunt Mildred could move back
from Ft. Lauderdale.
79
00:05:00,417 --> 00:05:02,350
Just kidding.
A wonderful woman.
80
00:05:02,350 --> 00:05:05,649
Anyhoo, I'll be back
with a complete forecast
a little later.
81
00:05:05,649 --> 00:05:07,316
Take it, Dan.
82
00:05:07,316 --> 00:05:10,648
Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
83
00:05:11,848 --> 00:05:13,914
MAN:
And now the fourth.
84
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,147
WOMAN:
Eleven.
85
00:05:17,147 --> 00:05:19,746
MAN:
And the fifth number, please.
86
00:05:19,746 --> 00:05:21,746
Hi, Russ.
WOMAN: Thirty.
87
00:05:21,746 --> 00:05:23,546
Hey, Dottie.
How are you?
88
00:05:23,546 --> 00:05:25,545
Oh, still struggling
with the diet.
Oh, yeah?
89
00:05:25,545 --> 00:05:27,846
Don't get too thin.
It's not good for you.
90
00:05:27,846 --> 00:05:29,911
Eight.
91
00:05:31,811 --> 00:05:34,211
MAN:
And there you have it.
92
00:05:34,211 --> 00:05:38,710
Tonight's Pennsylvania
lottery number: 19, 47,
93
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:43,109
3, 11, 30, 8.
94
00:05:43,109 --> 00:05:45,442
If you have it,
come and get it.
95
00:05:45,442 --> 00:05:49,008
If not,
better luck next time.
Back to you, Dan.
96
00:05:49,008 --> 00:05:52,241
We gonna talk about this?
There's nothing
to talk about, cochise.
97
00:05:52,241 --> 00:05:56,440
I told you no more loans.
Penn Fed's down the street.
This is not--
98
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,040
This is not--
99
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:03,105
This is not a loan, this is
an advance. Stop acting like
it's coming out of your pocket.
100
00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:06,071
If you didn't piss
your money away, you
wouldn't need an advance.
101
00:06:06,071 --> 00:06:10,071
Now what is it this week--
racquetball courts?
Peewee golf?
102
00:06:10,071 --> 00:06:12,571
Snowmobiles. You know it.
I told you that.
103
00:06:12,571 --> 00:06:15,369
Jesus Christ.
It's exhausting with you.
104
00:06:15,369 --> 00:06:18,403
Snowmobiles. How's business?
105
00:06:18,403 --> 00:06:21,203
When this heat wave ends,
I'm golden.
106
00:06:21,203 --> 00:06:24,235
Well, you're the weatherman.
End it.
( groans )
107
00:06:24,235 --> 00:06:25,868
Where the hell is he?
Crystal!
108
00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:28,835
How many times do I have to tell
those guys about the cables?
109
00:06:28,835 --> 00:06:32,366
I almost broke my fucking neck
on live television!
110
00:06:32,366 --> 00:06:34,166
Yeah.
111
00:06:34,166 --> 00:06:36,699
Oh, sorry.
I didn't realize you were
in the middle of a meeting.
112
00:06:36,699 --> 00:06:40,065
No, it's okay.
It's okay. Calm down.
113
00:06:40,065 --> 00:06:41,765
Calm down.
You know--
114
00:06:41,765 --> 00:06:44,598
Come with me.
I have to leave, of course.
115
00:06:44,598 --> 00:06:46,931
I talked to them
about this thing.
It's never gonna happen again.
116
00:06:46,931 --> 00:06:50,397
All right? Just relax.
It's not gonna happen again.
117
00:06:50,397 --> 00:06:53,429
Hi, boss.
Hello. How you doing, Bobby?
118
00:06:53,429 --> 00:06:55,429
I can't do
the Olive Garden tonight.
119
00:06:55,429 --> 00:06:57,596
( scoffs ): My wife invited
a few people over.
120
00:06:57,596 --> 00:07:01,029
I've gotta eat at home.
That's just great, Dick.
121
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,028
No, you know what?
I am tired of this bullshit.
122
00:07:03,028 --> 00:07:06,494
Hey, hey, hey.
Easy. Come on.
123
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,027
Remember, we got
that affiliates thing
coming up.
124
00:07:09,027 --> 00:07:11,027
Uh-huh.
Six days in Hawaii.
125
00:07:11,027 --> 00:07:14,126
Mm-hmm.
Eating like pigs.
126
00:07:14,126 --> 00:07:16,126
Christ, you got
some body on you.
127
00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:18,991
( giggles ): Tell me something
I don't know.
128
00:07:22,658 --> 00:07:25,757
Do we have anything else
to talk about? I think
we're through here.
129
00:07:25,757 --> 00:07:29,190
Unless you
want to torture me about
the fucking weather chopper.
130
00:07:29,190 --> 00:07:31,789
Like that was a bad idea.
Weather chopper?
131
00:07:31,789 --> 00:07:35,888
Come on, I'm a weatherman.
You know what the truth is?
132
00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:37,855
I feel bad for you, Dick.
I do.
133
00:07:37,855 --> 00:07:40,655
Because one day
you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize...
134
00:07:40,655 --> 00:07:44,154
that you had a diamond
in the palm of your hand
and you let it slip away.
135
00:07:44,154 --> 00:07:46,453
To where, Atlantic city?
136
00:07:46,453 --> 00:07:49,419
Oh, that's what this is about.
To be a big game show host.
137
00:07:49,419 --> 00:07:51,853
That's right.
I hear everything.
138
00:07:51,853 --> 00:07:55,285
I'm like a satellite
in outer space.
Did you get your audition?
139
00:07:55,285 --> 00:07:59,617
My agent is all over it.
Right.
140
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:05,616
RUSS:
Mace Kornberg, please.
141
00:08:05,616 --> 00:08:08,683
Yes, this is Russ Richards.
Mm-hmm.
142
00:08:10,183 --> 00:08:13,081
You know, this is getting
a little ridiculous.
143
00:08:13,081 --> 00:08:15,182
I've already left,
like, five messages.
144
00:08:15,182 --> 00:08:20,880
All right, your boss,
Mace Kornberg,
saw me on TV, okay?
145
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:24,246
He loved me, okay?
He wants to represent me.
146
00:08:24,246 --> 00:08:27,113
We-- we sat at
my personal booth at Denny's...
147
00:08:27,113 --> 00:08:29,946
for over an hour,
and I told him
all about myself.
148
00:08:29,946 --> 00:08:34,378
And now for some reason,
he's not returning
my phone calls.
149
00:08:36,011 --> 00:08:39,877
Well, what part of that
was too long?
150
00:08:39,877 --> 00:08:45,476
Well, just-- just tell him that
Russ Richards called, okay?
Thank you.
151
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:49,242
( sighs )
152
00:08:49,242 --> 00:08:52,074
What's happening?
Still not there?
153
00:08:52,074 --> 00:08:54,574
Nah, but, you know,
the whole agency
is out for the week.
154
00:08:54,574 --> 00:08:57,541
A retreat or something.
What's a retreat?
155
00:08:57,541 --> 00:09:01,606
Oh, I'm not sure,
but I think it's
a religious thing.
156
00:09:01,606 --> 00:09:03,972
Hey, I got some
great news for you.
Oh, yeah?
157
00:09:03,972 --> 00:09:08,006
Yeah, remember I told you
about my brother's car,
the one that was in a wreck?
158
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:11,272
For the sake of expediency,
I am going to say yes.
159
00:09:11,272 --> 00:09:13,271
Well, he's finally ready
to sell it.
160
00:09:13,271 --> 00:09:16,570
It's all pounded out,
repainted, and ready to go.
161
00:09:16,570 --> 00:09:20,036
Beautiful lime-green finish.
Looks just like a popsicle.
162
00:09:20,036 --> 00:09:22,903
Now, Larry,
is there some reason
that I should know this?
163
00:09:22,903 --> 00:09:28,402
Well, just if you decide
the Jag is too much
of an extravagance, you know.
164
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:30,434
I'm not selling the Jag.
165
00:09:30,434 --> 00:09:33,234
I'd sell my body parts
to South America
before I'd sell that Jag.
166
00:09:33,234 --> 00:09:35,101
Okay. You're the boss.
167
00:09:35,101 --> 00:09:38,267
Yeah, I am the boss.
And here's another
news flash for you.
168
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,466
I'm not losing
the house either.
169
00:09:40,466 --> 00:09:43,332
You know what you laymen
fail to realize?
170
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:46,932
It's not about
the snowmobiles. Come on.
171
00:09:46,932 --> 00:09:48,732
It's about the weather, okay?
172
00:09:48,732 --> 00:09:51,231
One cold front,
a little moist air, and bam!
173
00:09:51,231 --> 00:09:55,930
Yeah, I'm Rockefeller.
I'm on Broadway.
I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.
174
00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:57,963
Yeah!
175
00:09:57,963 --> 00:10:00,196
( moaning ):
Oh, God!
176
00:10:00,196 --> 00:10:05,328
Oh, whip me forever!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
177
00:10:05,328 --> 00:10:08,128
( both moaning )
178
00:10:11,060 --> 00:10:13,127
( Russ sighs )
179
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:22,758
Boy, whew!
That is always
such a treat.
180
00:10:22,758 --> 00:10:26,525
Oh, with Dick, it's like
having sex with a sloth.
181
00:10:26,525 --> 00:10:29,791
Don't put that image
in my head.
182
00:10:31,290 --> 00:10:33,323
Here. Try this
just one time.
183
00:10:33,323 --> 00:10:35,090
No.
Yeah, it'll help you relax.
184
00:10:35,090 --> 00:10:39,889
No! I don't even
want a contact high.
It makes me nauseous.
185
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:43,054
You shouldn't even
be smoking it.
You're the lotto girl.
186
00:10:43,054 --> 00:10:45,821
You practically work
for the state.
Put it out.
187
00:10:45,821 --> 00:10:47,687
Okay, I'm putting it out.
188
00:10:47,687 --> 00:10:50,686
I have a question to ask you.
Yeah?
189
00:10:50,686 --> 00:10:54,052
If you had an agent,
and you tried to get him
for two weeks,
190
00:10:54,052 --> 00:10:57,253
you tried eight times and
he didn't return your call,
what would you think?
191
00:10:57,253 --> 00:10:59,786
Um--
Huh?
192
00:10:59,786 --> 00:11:02,451
I can't relate.
I've never had a guy
not call me back.
193
00:11:02,451 --> 00:11:06,884
Oh!
I just don't get it.
194
00:11:06,884 --> 00:11:09,850
When I met-- I met this guy,
he was-- he was gushing.
195
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,883
He wanted to do this for me,
he wanted to do that.
196
00:11:12,883 --> 00:11:16,048
I've had my ass kissed,
but this was really special.
197
00:11:16,048 --> 00:11:21,648
So, he is officially your agent,
right? It's not like
you just had that one meeting.
198
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,714
It's splitting hairs
here, you know.
199
00:11:23,714 --> 00:11:25,814
I mean, it was clear
he wanted to sign me.
200
00:11:25,814 --> 00:11:28,013
You know what
he said to me?
201
00:11:28,013 --> 00:11:31,046
He said that I delivered
the weather forecast
with a Shakespearean flair.
202
00:11:31,046 --> 00:11:33,679
( chuckles ): Was he drunk?
203
00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:37,211
No, he wasn't drunk.
What's wrong with you?
204
00:11:37,211 --> 00:11:40,311
Look. If the guy's
not returning your calls,
then fire his ass.
205
00:11:40,311 --> 00:11:42,677
Just hire someone else.
What's the biggie?
206
00:11:42,677 --> 00:11:44,677
Do you know
who Mace Kornberg is?
Uh-uh.
207
00:11:44,677 --> 00:11:48,144
Do you have any idea of
the pedigree of this man?
No.
208
00:11:48,144 --> 00:11:50,109
Here's a little primer
for you.
209
00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,376
He only handled Gene Rayburn
at the height of the Match Game.
210
00:11:52,376 --> 00:11:54,308
That's all.
211
00:11:54,308 --> 00:11:56,475
Wow. All right,
so he is kind of a big shot.
212
00:11:56,475 --> 00:11:58,641
Yeah, congratulations.
You just won the Cutlass.
213
00:11:58,641 --> 00:12:03,874
I wouldn't be caught dead
driving a Cutlass, thank you.
I'll trade it in.
214
00:12:03,874 --> 00:12:06,939
Well, how about
door number two?
215
00:12:06,939 --> 00:12:08,939
Old reliable.
216
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:10,973
( giggles ): Wait.
217
00:12:27,903 --> 00:12:30,935
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.
218
00:12:30,935 --> 00:12:32,935
What is it that makes you
successful...
219
00:12:32,935 --> 00:12:35,868
and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?
220
00:12:35,868 --> 00:12:38,001
Well, I'm not so sure.
You know, as I travel
around the country,
221
00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:41,167
I see on television,
I see guys that would make
good game show hosts.
222
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,234
But I don't tell them.
223
00:12:43,234 --> 00:12:48,699
No. I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake,
224
00:12:48,699 --> 00:12:50,898
but the format
is the cake.
225
00:12:50,898 --> 00:12:53,398
Yeah, format is the cake.
To me, Dick Clark,
226
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:57,897
for all the things
he does, is an outstanding
game show host.
227
00:12:57,897 --> 00:13:01,996
He stays out of the way.
He lets the format work.
228
00:13:01,996 --> 00:13:07,429
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
229
00:13:07,429 --> 00:13:11,294
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
230
00:13:12,361 --> 00:13:15,061
( TV continues, indistinct )
231
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:18,860
So, Russ, it sounds like
we can keep those scarves
and mittens...
232
00:13:18,860 --> 00:13:21,260
in mothballs
a while longer then.
233
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:22,926
That's what it sounds
like, Dan.
234
00:13:22,926 --> 00:13:25,692
And the sleds and snowmobiles
can stay in the garage.
235
00:13:25,692 --> 00:13:29,792
That is correct, Heidi.
I think we all get the point.
236
00:13:29,792 --> 00:13:32,824
DAN: Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
237
00:13:40,123 --> 00:13:43,956
( answering machine beeps )
Hello. You have one message.
238
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:45,822
( beep )
239
00:13:47,489 --> 00:13:51,054
MAN:
Uh, yes. This message
is for Rob Richards.
240
00:13:51,054 --> 00:13:54,354
This is Sandy from
the Gabler-Kornberg agency.
241
00:13:54,354 --> 00:13:58,120
I'm sorry no one got back
to you sooner, but we were
away on a retreat.
242
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,652
Apology accepted, Sandy.
243
00:13:59,652 --> 00:14:01,252
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know...
244
00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:03,185
that Mr. Kornberg is dead.
245
00:14:03,185 --> 00:14:05,385
He passed away
around eight months ago.
246
00:14:05,385 --> 00:14:08,184
Oh!
I'm sure had he not,
he would've returned your call.
247
00:14:08,184 --> 00:14:10,284
Oh, jeez!
For what it's worth,
he went quickly.
248
00:14:10,284 --> 00:14:12,383
Yeah. Yep.
Bye-bye.
249
00:14:12,383 --> 00:14:15,083
( beep )
That was your last message.
250
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:18,349
( sighs ): Yep,
that was my last message.
251
00:14:29,614 --> 00:14:32,481
( rock music playing )
252
00:14:37,012 --> 00:14:39,846
Russ, let me get
this straight.
You don't drink.
253
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:44,178
You don't do coke.
You're not a pussy hound.
254
00:14:44,178 --> 00:14:47,010
Well, what the fuck
did you blow your money on?
255
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:49,010
It just--
It just went, okay?
256
00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:52,376
Does it matter?
What was that?
257
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:54,376
That's Carla,
the human cannon.
258
00:14:54,376 --> 00:14:57,542
Oh, she's good.
She's Dutch.
259
00:14:57,542 --> 00:15:01,109
Russ, we go way back.
Right.
260
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:05,607
And I like you.
I do. I'm a fan.
But 25 grand.
261
00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:08,474
I just don't think
I can lay my hands on
that kind of money.
262
00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:10,540
Oh.
Especially now.
263
00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:14,372
I'm going through
a very messy divorce.
264
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,372
I'm sure you understand.
Sure.
265
00:15:16,372 --> 00:15:18,638
I do now.
266
00:15:18,638 --> 00:15:22,305
Okay. Take care, Gig.
Thanks a lot. Take care.
267
00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:26,370
Hypothetically speaking though,
it's not like you're a man
without options.
268
00:15:26,370 --> 00:15:28,436
What do you mean?
269
00:15:28,436 --> 00:15:31,002
Well, you do have options.
270
00:15:31,002 --> 00:15:34,969
What are they?
Come. Speak up. Hello?
271
00:15:34,969 --> 00:15:37,268
Take your glasses off.
272
00:15:37,268 --> 00:15:41,167
( hums )
Well, what is that?
273
00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:45,267
Russ, I assume you have
insurance on your dealership.
274
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:47,400
Yeah, so?
275
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,300
Don't you think now would be
the appropriate time to,
you know,
276
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:53,699
make a few claims on, you know,
some of those premiums?
277
00:15:54,632 --> 00:15:57,264
Oh, God. Oh, jeez!
278
00:15:57,264 --> 00:15:59,064
Are you talking
about arson?
279
00:15:59,064 --> 00:16:01,964
The last thing you
want to get involved
with, mate, is arson.
280
00:16:01,964 --> 00:16:04,297
Well, that's right.
Yes, of course not.
281
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,763
No, the way to beat
an insurance company these days
is with a phony robbery.
282
00:16:07,763 --> 00:16:10,162
Oh, God.
( scoffs )
283
00:16:12,729 --> 00:16:17,428
You are veering in that
direction. That makes me
very uncomfortable, Gig.
284
00:16:17,428 --> 00:16:21,094
First of-- look.
If I weren't, okay,
the president of the Rotary,
285
00:16:21,094 --> 00:16:23,526
the vice president
of the Sunshiny Day Club...
286
00:16:23,526 --> 00:16:25,560
and I'm a Big Brother, Gig.
287
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,326
Russ, it's your money.
288
00:16:28,326 --> 00:16:30,226
( sighs )
289
00:16:30,226 --> 00:16:35,292
The insurance company
is earning interest off it.
290
00:16:35,292 --> 00:16:39,291
I mean, the whole
"man of the people,"
nice guy thing,
291
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:43,557
it's very quaint,
but don't you think it's time
to put a cap on it, hmm?
292
00:16:43,557 --> 00:16:46,823
( exhales )
293
00:16:46,823 --> 00:16:49,255
Well, how would it work?
294
00:16:49,255 --> 00:16:51,822
You know, like, you know,
hypothetically speaking.
295
00:16:51,822 --> 00:16:54,588
How would, you know,
how would it go down?
296
00:16:54,588 --> 00:16:57,921
Well, it's nothing.
No?
297
00:16:57,921 --> 00:17:01,020
If I were to put it
in medical terms...
298
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:04,152
where you would
equate brain surgery
with a bank robbery,
299
00:17:04,152 --> 00:17:06,352
this would be like a visit
to the podiatrist.
300
00:17:06,352 --> 00:17:09,285
Hmm.
And it just so happens...
301
00:17:09,285 --> 00:17:12,118
I have an acquaintance
named Dale who is a specialist
in this sort of thing.
302
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:15,918
It's a very simple
procedure, Russ.
303
00:17:15,918 --> 00:17:19,616
The whole thing would take...
40 minutes.
304
00:17:19,616 --> 00:17:22,216
Forty? Wow.
305
00:17:22,216 --> 00:17:25,382
Forty minutes, tops.
306
00:17:25,382 --> 00:17:29,048
Dale arrives at your dealership
on a prearranged night
with his crew.
307
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:33,381
MAN:
♪ It's so easy to blow up
Your problems ♪♪
308
00:17:33,381 --> 00:17:36,714
( music continues )
Finds his way inside.
309
00:17:36,714 --> 00:17:41,380
Leaves the telltale signs
of a break-in...
310
00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,379
and gains entrance.
311
00:17:43,379 --> 00:17:48,178
Then it's just a simple matter
of getting the sleds
out the back door.
312
00:17:48,178 --> 00:17:53,944
I mean, the actual extraction
process is the easiest bit.
313
00:17:53,944 --> 00:17:57,177
And, uh, that's that.
314
00:17:57,177 --> 00:18:02,543
All that's left is between
you and your insurance company.
315
00:18:06,742 --> 00:18:09,774
End of story.
Easy as pie.
316
00:18:09,774 --> 00:18:14,340
I, of course, would command
you know, the standard
20% consultation fee.
317
00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:17,473
I figured that.
You know, it's up to you, Russ.
318
00:18:17,473 --> 00:18:20,106
I mean, only you know
if you're ready for
something like this.
319
00:18:21,372 --> 00:18:24,072
That visit to the podiatrist.
320
00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:28,137
Well, it's like removing
a bunion or something.
321
00:18:28,137 --> 00:18:30,237
An ingrown toenail,
at the very most.
322
00:18:30,237 --> 00:18:34,570
Funny. Okay. Okay.
Well, make the call then.
323
00:18:34,570 --> 00:18:36,969
Good choice.
324
00:18:36,969 --> 00:18:41,002
♪ I was in the right place
But it must have been
The wrong time ♪
325
00:18:41,002 --> 00:18:46,435
♪ I was saying the right things
But I must have used
The wrong line ♪
326
00:18:46,435 --> 00:18:50,367
♪ I was on the right trip ♪
All right.
327
00:18:50,367 --> 00:18:52,233
Let's do this cocksucker.
328
00:18:52,233 --> 00:18:56,132
( music continues )
All right.
Let's do it.
329
00:18:56,132 --> 00:19:01,298
♪ I've been runnin', tryin'
To get hung up in my mind ♪
330
00:19:01,298 --> 00:19:04,898
This is so cool.
You can just come in here
anytime you want.
331
00:19:04,898 --> 00:19:08,064
Yeah, I got the keys,
don't I?
332
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,229
All right. This one's
for Charlie Hustle, okay?
333
00:19:11,229 --> 00:19:14,029
The pricks wanna keep him
out of Cooperstown?
334
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:17,829
♪ I was in the wrong place
But it must have been
The right time ♪
335
00:19:17,829 --> 00:19:19,661
Home run.
♪ I was in the right place ♪
336
00:19:19,661 --> 00:19:23,394
It's happening
right this second.
Send a squad car now!
337
00:19:23,394 --> 00:19:29,060
♪ I was in the right world
But it seemed like a wrong
Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪♪
338
00:19:29,060 --> 00:19:31,726
( sirens wailing )
Come on. Move it!
339
00:19:31,726 --> 00:19:35,825
Let me just ask you
one question, your honor.
Where's my bat?
340
00:19:35,825 --> 00:19:39,191
Don't worry about
your bat, asshole.
341
00:19:39,191 --> 00:19:41,857
( phone ringing )
342
00:19:44,624 --> 00:19:46,756
( ring )
343
00:19:46,756 --> 00:19:49,157
Yeah?
I'm gonna break
your fuckin' face, man.
344
00:19:49,157 --> 00:19:51,489
What?
You better have
a bag of money down here...
345
00:19:51,489 --> 00:19:54,388
the split fuckin' second
they set bail, or I'm going to
tell them who hired me.
346
00:19:54,388 --> 00:19:58,121
Who is this?
I also want an extra ten grand
for pain and suffering.
347
00:19:58,121 --> 00:20:00,788
Are we clear, weatherman?
No, we're not clear.
348
00:20:00,788 --> 00:20:02,821
We're the furthest thing
from clear.
349
00:20:02,821 --> 00:20:04,853
I don't even know
who you are.
350
00:20:04,853 --> 00:20:06,687
Look. A second ago
I was asleep.
351
00:20:06,687 --> 00:20:09,819
And two seconds ago,
I was in a blueberry field
with my mother,
352
00:20:09,819 --> 00:20:11,619
and we were getting
along really well.
353
00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:14,118
Save that bullshit
for your psychiatrist.
I want my ten grand.
354
00:20:14,118 --> 00:20:16,085
Stop it!
Stop saying that!
355
00:20:16,085 --> 00:20:18,117
I don't have ten grand
to give you.
Oh, no?
356
00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:20,518
You'd better sell something
or kill someone.
I don't care!
357
00:20:20,518 --> 00:20:22,517
You just get me
my fucking money!
358
00:20:22,517 --> 00:20:24,383
What--
( dial tone )
359
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,050
( sighs )
360
00:20:47,912 --> 00:20:52,011
Okay, Russ.
It's gonna be a better day.
361
00:20:52,011 --> 00:20:54,778
WOMAN: Russ Richards! Hi!
How are you?
362
00:20:54,778 --> 00:20:56,844
Merry Christmas.
363
00:20:58,077 --> 00:20:59,943
Okay. Mmm.
364
00:21:04,176 --> 00:21:06,642
Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love.
What are you doing here?
365
00:21:06,642 --> 00:21:08,442
Problem.
What?
366
00:21:08,442 --> 00:21:10,841
Dale the thug's getting
a bit pissy about his ten grand.
367
00:21:10,841 --> 00:21:12,574
Dale the thug?
Dale the thug?
368
00:21:12,574 --> 00:21:15,508
That's his nickname?
When did that happen?
Yeah.
369
00:21:15,508 --> 00:21:18,607
Oh, that's childhood issues.
Trust me, you don't wanna know.
370
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:22,173
He was fine for a day or two,
but now he's had time to stew,
you see?
371
00:21:22,173 --> 00:21:25,305
Good morning.
What can I get you?
372
00:21:25,305 --> 00:21:28,638
Can I have coffee?
But with whole milk.
Okay.
373
00:21:28,638 --> 00:21:30,772
And do you have those
little apple pastries?
Wendy.
374
00:21:30,772 --> 00:21:33,604
The apple pastries
with the cinnamon swirls.
He's not staying.
375
00:21:33,604 --> 00:21:36,270
He's leaving, okay?
Okay.
376
00:21:36,270 --> 00:21:38,537
Okay. All right.
Thanks for asking.
377
00:21:38,537 --> 00:21:40,403
( giggling )
378
00:21:40,403 --> 00:21:43,002
I cannot be seen with you.
I am a public figure.
379
00:21:43,002 --> 00:21:46,102
Russ, you don't return my calls.
I'm doing you the favor.
380
00:21:46,102 --> 00:21:49,968
And if there's a Dale the thug
issue on the table,
time tends to be of the essence.
381
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:54,967
Gig, I'm tapped out.
All the money I got for the Jag,
I barely covered his bail.
382
00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:57,433
I am not having this
conversation here with you.
383
00:21:57,433 --> 00:21:59,633
Th-there's an omelette named
after me, for God's sake!
384
00:21:59,633 --> 00:22:00,866
What's in it?
You leave that alone!
385
00:22:00,866 --> 00:22:02,233
You leave and just go!
386
00:22:02,233 --> 00:22:04,198
Really? Really.
I'll follow you. Yes!
387
00:22:06,399 --> 00:22:08,132
Hmm. Well, I'll--
388
00:22:08,132 --> 00:22:10,665
Um, Russ, I'll just
be outside then?
389
00:22:10,665 --> 00:22:14,964
Oh, God!
Right?
390
00:22:14,964 --> 00:22:16,696
Let's go.
On top of everything else,
391
00:22:16,696 --> 00:22:18,863
they've impounded
his baseball bat
as evidence.
392
00:22:18,863 --> 00:22:22,129
He bought it at an auction.
Pete Rose hit with it
or some shit like that.
393
00:22:22,129 --> 00:22:24,262
He shouldn't have used it then.
Christ, even a plumber knows...
394
00:22:24,262 --> 00:22:26,395
to take his ring off
before he snakes the drain.
395
00:22:26,395 --> 00:22:27,894
Well, you screwed up,
he got pinched.
396
00:22:27,894 --> 00:22:29,560
I-I did not screw up!
397
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,060
I can't control
the sexual appetite
of my employee.
398
00:22:32,060 --> 00:22:35,326
I mean, either way,
you're gonna have to
pay for it.
399
00:22:37,925 --> 00:22:41,659
You know, why don't you
just do this? Take-- Just--
Just get it over with.
400
00:22:41,659 --> 00:22:44,025
Why don't you just
set up an appointment
at his convenience...
401
00:22:44,025 --> 00:22:47,391
to come break my legs
or kick me in the nuts,
or whatever he does?
402
00:22:47,391 --> 00:22:49,624
Well, you know what?
I very much doubt
it'll be the latter.
403
00:22:49,624 --> 00:22:53,289
That's practically
how he treats his friends.
404
00:22:53,289 --> 00:22:55,423
You know, Russ, I've been
thinking about your situation,
405
00:22:55,423 --> 00:22:57,355
and it occurs to me
that sometimes in life...
406
00:22:57,355 --> 00:23:01,755
the greatest opportunities
are sitting right under
your nose.
407
00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:05,655
The only thing under my nose
is this place mat with
the presidents up to Carter.
408
00:23:05,655 --> 00:23:07,987
Am I missing something?
The lottery.
409
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:10,086
Oh, that is so stupid!
410
00:23:10,086 --> 00:23:13,853
You think that my playing
the lottery is going to solve
all my problems?
411
00:23:13,853 --> 00:23:17,519
Not playing the lottery,
winning the lottery.
412
00:23:17,519 --> 00:23:20,585
You got that lotto ball machine
down at the station, right?
413
00:23:20,585 --> 00:23:23,951
All I'm saying is
a little razzle-dazzle,
you're set for life.
414
00:23:23,951 --> 00:23:27,950
Gig, I just came off
a botched phony robbery.
415
00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:31,316
Let me bask in that for a while
before I start thinking
about tampering...
416
00:23:31,316 --> 00:23:33,982
with the fucking
state lottery!
417
00:23:33,982 --> 00:23:35,882
I'm not talking
out of my ass here.
418
00:23:35,882 --> 00:23:38,215
I do have experience
with this sort of thing.
Really.
419
00:23:38,215 --> 00:23:40,215
Yeah. About ten years ago,
Great.
420
00:23:40,215 --> 00:23:43,015
before I washed up
on these golden shores,
421
00:23:43,015 --> 00:23:45,280
I rigged a bingo game
in my local church hall.
422
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:46,813
Church hall, huh?
423
00:23:46,813 --> 00:23:50,313
Weighed down
a few ping-pong balls,
Bob's your uncle!
424
00:23:50,313 --> 00:23:52,346
I walked away
with a fucking lawn mower.
425
00:23:52,346 --> 00:23:55,278
Oh, a lawn mower. Wow.
This is not War and Peace,
426
00:23:55,278 --> 00:23:57,878
merely the concept
of gravity.
427
00:23:57,878 --> 00:24:00,344
No, no,
the concept of gravity...
428
00:24:00,344 --> 00:24:03,378
is when you fall down
and you break your head open.
429
00:24:03,378 --> 00:24:05,877
Well, your glass
is obviously half empty.
430
00:24:05,877 --> 00:24:08,676
No, Gig, my glass
is totally empty.
431
00:24:08,676 --> 00:24:10,209
Watch it!
Hate you!
432
00:24:10,209 --> 00:24:12,142
Calm down!
Bastard!
433
00:24:12,142 --> 00:24:13,908
Calm down.
You're acting like a child.
434
00:24:13,908 --> 00:24:15,209
You're acting like a child.
435
00:24:15,209 --> 00:24:17,475
Stop! Calm down, please.
You promised!
436
00:24:17,475 --> 00:24:20,208
What do you want me to do?
What's going on?
437
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,107
Everything's fine.
Thank you.
438
00:24:22,107 --> 00:24:24,740
She told me she wanted to go.
What do you want me to say?
"I'm sorry,
439
00:24:24,740 --> 00:24:27,040
I'm banging the lotto ball girl,
and I promised her first."
440
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,639
I don't believe this
'cause I bought sandals
in December for no reason!
441
00:24:30,639 --> 00:24:34,338
Well, I'll take you
the next time. In June,
I have a conference in Seattle.
442
00:24:34,338 --> 00:24:36,537
Take your wife
to fucking Seattle,
all right?
443
00:24:36,537 --> 00:24:38,970
I wanted to go to Maui,
you asshole!
444
00:24:38,970 --> 00:24:41,637
Oh, I'm an asshole.
Am I the same asshole...
445
00:24:41,637 --> 00:24:44,037
that takes you out to dinner
and buys you fancy European
underwear?
446
00:24:44,037 --> 00:24:46,203
Try to get that
from the weatherman,
447
00:24:46,203 --> 00:24:48,636
who I notice you've been
awfully chatty with these days.
448
00:24:48,636 --> 00:24:51,569
Blow me.
449
00:24:51,569 --> 00:24:53,668
Is everything okay?
Yes, everything's fine!
450
00:24:53,668 --> 00:24:57,501
MAN:
♪ I'm dreamin' of a white ♪
451
00:24:59,101 --> 00:25:01,500
♪ Christmas ♪
452
00:25:02,667 --> 00:25:05,599
♪ Just like the ones ♪
453
00:25:05,599 --> 00:25:07,466
♪ I used to know ♪
454
00:25:09,132 --> 00:25:14,064
♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪
455
00:25:14,064 --> 00:25:18,530
♪ And children listen ♪
456
00:25:18,530 --> 00:25:24,563
♪ To hear sleigh bells
In the snow ♪
457
00:25:27,029 --> 00:25:30,061
♪ Oh, I'm ♪
458
00:25:30,061 --> 00:25:33,294
♪ Dreamin' of a white ♪♪
459
00:25:33,294 --> 00:25:35,760
( music fades )
I have to ask you something.
460
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:39,293
What?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
461
00:25:39,293 --> 00:25:41,493
I don't know how
to ask you this.
( exhales )
462
00:25:41,493 --> 00:25:44,692
Just ask.
I wouldn't blame you
if you said no.
463
00:25:44,692 --> 00:25:48,058
As a matter of fact,
I already expect you to say no.
464
00:25:48,058 --> 00:25:51,491
But I need your help
on something.
465
00:25:51,491 --> 00:25:54,957
( screams ):
We're gonna be millionaires!
I can't believe this!
466
00:25:54,957 --> 00:25:58,457
I have to admit,
I thought it would be
a slightly harder sell.
467
00:26:04,389 --> 00:26:06,521
All right,
most important thing...
468
00:26:06,521 --> 00:26:09,821
is getting alone
with that machine...
469
00:26:09,821 --> 00:26:12,287
five minutes before
and five minutes after
the broadcast.
470
00:26:12,287 --> 00:26:14,987
That's key.
Absolutely. That's
as key as it gets.
471
00:26:14,987 --> 00:26:18,553
Five minutes before,
five minutes after.
Did you hear that, Crystal?
472
00:26:18,553 --> 00:26:20,952
I'm two inches away.
How could I not hear it?
473
00:26:20,952 --> 00:26:24,018
You better start
taking notes, 'cause when Gig
and I start hashing it out,
474
00:26:24,018 --> 00:26:27,651
there's gonna be lot of gold
flying around here, and I don't
want to miss any of it.
475
00:26:27,651 --> 00:26:30,618
Okay? N-Now the first
piece of gold is this.
Yeah.
476
00:26:30,618 --> 00:26:32,883
I think someone
should call in
a bomb scare.
477
00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:37,582
Then the building gets
evacuated, and I'm alone
with the lotto balls.
478
00:26:37,582 --> 00:26:39,782
Okay? Are you
writing this down?
479
00:26:39,782 --> 00:26:43,248
When we decide,
I will write it down.
It's good, right?
480
00:26:43,248 --> 00:26:46,947
Russ, um, forgive me.
Just a second.
481
00:26:46,947 --> 00:26:51,014
You call in a bomb scare,
they evacuate the building,
Mm-hmm.
482
00:26:51,014 --> 00:26:53,113
and shut down the broadcast.
483
00:26:53,113 --> 00:26:55,046
Right, and then
the firemen will come...
484
00:26:55,046 --> 00:26:59,412
and then the policemen
will come, so kind of
a lame idea, you know?
485
00:26:59,412 --> 00:27:03,211
All right. Jeez.
It's just an idea.
486
00:27:03,211 --> 00:27:05,278
It's a work in progress,
for God's sake.
487
00:27:05,278 --> 00:27:09,611
Even a painter's
got to take the brushes
and clean 'em.
488
00:27:09,611 --> 00:27:10,843
Whatever that means.
489
00:27:10,843 --> 00:27:13,543
You have any better ideas,
Miss Smarty-pants?
490
00:27:13,543 --> 00:27:17,909
Why can't I just
distract Bobby somehow,
the security guy?
491
00:27:17,909 --> 00:27:19,941
And then you
switch the balls.
492
00:27:19,941 --> 00:27:21,175
No, uh, lame.
That's lame. What?
493
00:27:21,175 --> 00:27:23,041
No, that's brilliant.
494
00:27:23,041 --> 00:27:24,240
Yeah?
No, really, it's so simple,
495
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,674
it's brilliant.
496
00:27:25,674 --> 00:27:28,940
In its simplicity, Russ.
Simplicity. That's--
497
00:27:28,940 --> 00:27:30,939
And movin' on.
Okay, movin' on.
498
00:27:30,939 --> 00:27:33,206
Movin' on,
I guess.
499
00:27:33,206 --> 00:27:35,039
Okay, next most
important thing, right?
500
00:27:35,039 --> 00:27:36,405
Uh-huh.
501
00:27:38,138 --> 00:27:41,005
We need to find
your beard?
502
00:27:41,005 --> 00:27:42,904
What the hell's
a "beard"?
503
00:27:42,904 --> 00:27:45,904
You need someone
to buy the ticket
and claim the winnings.
504
00:27:45,904 --> 00:27:50,569
But it has to be someone
that you absolutely trust.
505
00:27:50,569 --> 00:27:54,935
One beard. Check.
Time out, folks!
506
00:27:54,935 --> 00:27:57,234
There's not a person
I would trust to do
this thing.
507
00:27:57,234 --> 00:27:59,435
Not a single person.
508
00:27:59,435 --> 00:28:03,934
Ah! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay. All right.
509
00:28:03,934 --> 00:28:06,400
I buy the ticket
in disguise.
510
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,266
Okay?
And this eliminates
all the outsiders.
511
00:28:09,266 --> 00:28:11,433
That's the answer.
That's it. Okay?
512
00:28:11,433 --> 00:28:13,532
Yeah, yeah.
Now we're cooking
with gas, huh?
513
00:28:15,231 --> 00:28:17,265
I mean,
how would you
disguise yourself?
514
00:28:17,265 --> 00:28:19,497
What, as Charlie Chaplin?
As the tramp or something?
515
00:28:19,497 --> 00:28:22,264
( laughing ): Yeah, or no, like,
from the Wizard of Oz.
516
00:28:22,264 --> 00:28:24,597
The straw guy.
The Straw Man.
517
00:28:24,597 --> 00:28:27,029
Yeah, he could put
hay in his clothes
and wear a hat.
518
00:28:27,029 --> 00:28:29,529
With a pom-pom on it?
With a-- No one
will know it's him.
519
00:28:29,529 --> 00:28:31,495
Ooh, it's clever.
Nobody would ever know!
520
00:28:31,495 --> 00:28:35,728
No! Russ.
It's the Scarecrow
from the Wizard of Oz.
521
00:28:35,728 --> 00:28:38,494
Oh, okay.
It's Dorothy,
i-it's the Cowardly Lion,
522
00:28:38,494 --> 00:28:41,927
it's the Tin Man, it's the dog,
it's the flying monkeys...
523
00:28:41,927 --> 00:28:43,594
and it's
the Scarecrow.
524
00:28:43,594 --> 00:28:46,126
If you're gonna make fun of me,
get your facts straight.
525
00:28:46,126 --> 00:28:50,292
Well, my apologies, sir.
I am not the, uh, cartoon
aficionada that you are.
526
00:28:50,292 --> 00:28:52,291
It's not a cartoon, Crystal.
So what?
527
00:28:52,291 --> 00:28:54,291
It's a movie.
Who gives a shit?
528
00:28:54,291 --> 00:28:55,991
Children-- excuse me.
( arguing )
529
00:28:55,991 --> 00:28:58,324
It's a movie! For God's sake.
Calm down. Calm down.
530
00:28:58,324 --> 00:29:00,756
Calm-- Calm down.
Sorry.
531
00:29:00,756 --> 00:29:04,956
Please?
All right. Okay.
Back to square one.
532
00:29:04,956 --> 00:29:07,056
( chuckles ):
Let's go.
533
00:29:11,055 --> 00:29:13,821
Hey, I know.
My Cousin Walter
could do it.
534
00:29:15,688 --> 00:29:17,753
Who?
From Ohio.
535
00:29:17,753 --> 00:29:21,153
He would be the perfect beard.
He's this totally straight guy.
536
00:29:21,153 --> 00:29:23,953
He doesn't even drink,
and besides,
he has a crush on me.
537
00:29:23,953 --> 00:29:27,419
♪ The minute
You walked in the joint ♪
538
00:29:27,419 --> 00:29:31,052
♪ I could see you were
A man of distinction ♪
539
00:29:31,052 --> 00:29:33,784
♪ A real big spender ♪
540
00:29:33,784 --> 00:29:37,383
♪ Good-lookin', so refined ♪
Oh. Walter.
541
00:29:37,383 --> 00:29:40,683
♪ Say wouldn't you like to know
What's goin' on in my mind ♪
You look great.
542
00:29:40,683 --> 00:29:42,916
I got you these balloons.
We should go.
Thank you.
543
00:29:42,916 --> 00:29:44,915
♪ So let me get
Right to the point ♪
544
00:29:44,915 --> 00:29:46,915
I got you a room at a lovely
country inn.
545
00:29:46,915 --> 00:29:49,515
♪ I don't pop my cork
For every guy I see ♪
546
00:29:50,448 --> 00:29:52,681
♪ Hey, big spender ♪
547
00:29:54,747 --> 00:29:58,846
♪ Spend a little time
With me ♪♪
548
00:29:58,846 --> 00:30:02,812
Oh. It's so green and lush.
RUSS: Oh! Look at this room.
549
00:30:02,812 --> 00:30:04,845
RUSS:
Oh, this is so great.
550
00:30:04,845 --> 00:30:06,778
Look at this TV, a closet.
God, look at the painting
551
00:30:06,778 --> 00:30:09,045
with the Three Mile Island
thing.
552
00:30:09,045 --> 00:30:12,877
Oh, and this clock
with a little light.
It's so-- It's so modern-day.
553
00:30:12,877 --> 00:30:15,610
CRYSTAL:
Oh, shower curtain.
Oh, Walter, look at this.
554
00:30:15,610 --> 00:30:18,709
All-you-can-eat buffet.
Oh. Right up the block!
Oh.
555
00:30:18,709 --> 00:30:20,842
( wheezing, coughing )
And towels.
They're all prepared for you.
556
00:30:20,842 --> 00:30:24,808
How comfy. What do you think?
Yeah, what do you think?
557
00:30:24,808 --> 00:30:27,875
( gasps ): Mold spores.
What?
Huh?
558
00:30:27,875 --> 00:30:31,440
This room has
a high content
of mold spores.
559
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:33,940
My throat's closin' up.
Oh, jeez.
560
00:30:33,940 --> 00:30:35,140
( gasping, wheezing )
Oh.
561
00:30:35,140 --> 00:30:41,139
( wheezing continues )
562
00:30:41,139 --> 00:30:43,039
Are you-- Are you
all right, Walter?
563
00:30:43,039 --> 00:30:45,538
( wheezing )
564
00:30:45,538 --> 00:30:47,338
Mm. Tsk.
565
00:30:47,338 --> 00:30:49,370
( exhaling, gurgling )
566
00:30:49,370 --> 00:30:53,803
( wheezing )
567
00:30:53,803 --> 00:30:55,803
Oh, jeez.
568
00:30:55,803 --> 00:30:57,702
All clear.
All right! Hey, thank god
569
00:30:57,702 --> 00:30:59,002
for modern medicine.
570
00:30:59,002 --> 00:31:01,068
Yeah.
Hey, Walter, test the bed.
571
00:31:01,068 --> 00:31:04,001
It's a combination
of the heat and moisture.
That's what does it.
572
00:31:04,001 --> 00:31:09,367
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Is it always this sticky
in Harrisburg in the winter?
573
00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:11,800
Well, you know, it's--
it's a fluke, of course,
574
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,033
but it's not
entirely uncommon, no.
575
00:31:14,033 --> 00:31:16,332
Uh-uh.
W-why's that?
576
00:31:16,332 --> 00:31:20,498
Well, okay, well,
historically weather has been
you know, unpredictable.
577
00:31:20,498 --> 00:31:23,831
Yeah, well, w-why's that?
Why?
578
00:31:23,831 --> 00:31:26,497
( sniffling )
Well-- well, okay, you got...
579
00:31:26,497 --> 00:31:28,697
your, uh--
you got your cold fronts
and you got...
580
00:31:28,697 --> 00:31:32,396
your warm fronts,
and then you're talkin',
uh, barometric pressure.
581
00:31:32,396 --> 00:31:36,129
Well, without my gauges, I-I--
I love hotels.
582
00:31:36,129 --> 00:31:38,528
Walter? Walter?
Hey! Walter.
583
00:31:38,528 --> 00:31:40,928
Yeah?
Are you clear on
what we're doin' here?
584
00:31:40,928 --> 00:31:44,128
How long will it be
be-before I get my money?
585
00:31:44,128 --> 00:31:46,060
Oh, well--
Oh. Yeah, no.
586
00:31:46,060 --> 00:31:47,960
Um, it's real simple,
honey.
587
00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,293
When we get our first payment,
you just take your 20,000
588
00:31:50,293 --> 00:31:52,026
right away.
Right.
589
00:31:52,026 --> 00:31:54,159
That's yours.
Right. Tax-free.
590
00:31:54,159 --> 00:31:56,891
( chuckling ): We want
you to be happy, Walter.
Oh.
591
00:31:56,891 --> 00:31:58,958
Well, I could-- I could really
use the money,
592
00:31:58,958 --> 00:32:01,791
'cause m-m-my church
needs a new furnace.
( chuckles )
593
00:32:01,791 --> 00:32:05,957
Oh, well, that
is so refreshing. Yeah.
594
00:32:05,957 --> 00:32:08,856
And I'm gonna use
the rest to open
an adult bookstore.
595
00:32:08,856 --> 00:32:11,322
Ah. Well, okay.
Well, that's good.
That's good too.
596
00:32:11,322 --> 00:32:14,988
Yeah.
Do you masturbate, Russ?
597
00:32:14,988 --> 00:32:19,987
( nervous chuckling ):
Jeez. I've been so busy lately,
I barely polish my shoes.
598
00:32:19,987 --> 00:32:21,987
'Cause I masturbate
all the time.
Oh, yeah?
599
00:32:21,987 --> 00:32:24,153
Yeah. Some people
think it's a sin,
600
00:32:24,153 --> 00:32:28,086
but I think god gave us
the ability to masturbate
to protect us from sin.
601
00:32:28,086 --> 00:32:31,618
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I could--
I could see that.
602
00:32:31,618 --> 00:32:35,418
Sure. Why not?
I like sex.
603
00:32:35,418 --> 00:32:37,884
There's a lot of sex
in the Bible.
Mm-hmm.
604
00:32:37,884 --> 00:32:40,484
I'm sure there's
a Bible here somewhere.
Yeah.
605
00:32:40,484 --> 00:32:42,616
Yeah, sure.
S-So, we--
606
00:32:42,616 --> 00:32:45,383
We're a team, right?
Yeah, yeah, a team!
607
00:32:45,383 --> 00:32:47,383
Yeah?
( chuckling ): Team.
608
00:32:47,383 --> 00:32:49,349
( chuckling )
Ooh.
609
00:32:49,349 --> 00:32:51,749
Yeah? Yeah?
610
00:32:55,048 --> 00:32:57,481
Oh, I've got one. Let me pick.
No, no, no, no, no!
611
00:32:57,481 --> 00:32:59,347
Please, let me finish. Okay, 16.
I wanna pick one.
612
00:32:59,347 --> 00:33:02,613
Sixteen, okay?
That's how old I was
when I first got laid.
613
00:33:02,613 --> 00:33:04,779
Really?
Yeah. Okay.
614
00:33:04,779 --> 00:33:07,445
Twenty-five.
Okay, twenty-five.
My mother's birthday.
615
00:33:07,445 --> 00:33:10,645
January 25, 1912. All right.
No, no. This--
616
00:33:10,645 --> 00:33:12,978
No, the 25th
was my anniversary,
617
00:33:12,978 --> 00:33:14,745
and I got divorced,
and I got screwed in that.
618
00:33:14,745 --> 00:33:17,144
I didn't get a good settlement.
Seventy.
619
00:33:17,144 --> 00:33:20,910
I had a '70 Camaro, and I got
in that bad car accident
and got a huge settlement.
620
00:33:20,910 --> 00:33:23,743
Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.
Remember? That's right.
621
00:33:23,743 --> 00:33:27,376
Um, I got some randomly
selected numbers, okay?
622
00:33:27,376 --> 00:33:29,175
WALTER:
These are like
completely random.
623
00:33:29,175 --> 00:33:32,475
Okay?
Flick it like that.
Make sure air gets--
624
00:33:32,475 --> 00:33:36,040
Twenty-two,
seventy.
625
00:33:37,973 --> 00:33:42,740
Puncture. Then you
inject a little paint
into the ball.
626
00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:47,405
You know,
weigh 'em down.
Sixteen.
627
00:33:47,405 --> 00:33:50,238
Then we put
a little glue
over the hole.
628
00:33:50,238 --> 00:33:52,804
Nine.
RUSS:
Isn't this fun?
629
00:33:52,804 --> 00:33:56,104
Twenty-seven.
RUSS:
It's like summer camp.
630
00:33:56,104 --> 00:33:58,570
It's like
arts and crafts.
631
00:33:58,570 --> 00:34:02,036
Seven.
RUSS: The six
we don't inject.
632
00:34:02,036 --> 00:34:04,435
Those are gonna
rise to the top.
It's my birthday.
633
00:34:04,435 --> 00:34:08,102
Get it?
Okay. Those are
the winning numbers.
634
00:34:08,102 --> 00:34:10,568
RUSS:
This is the concept
of gravity.
635
00:34:10,568 --> 00:34:13,101
Sweet, simple concept
of gravity.
636
00:34:13,101 --> 00:34:15,233
Here we go. Go.
Ready?
637
00:34:15,233 --> 00:34:18,066
Yeah! Whoo!
( Gasps ): Oh, my God!
638
00:34:18,066 --> 00:34:19,966
That's brilliant.
That is brilliant!
All right. Go.
639
00:34:19,966 --> 00:34:22,232
♪ And she wasn't gonna
Sit around and wait ♪
640
00:34:22,232 --> 00:34:24,999
♪ This guy was wise
To all of the lies ♪
641
00:34:24,999 --> 00:34:27,265
♪ And he flies
Out the door ♪
642
00:34:27,265 --> 00:34:29,430
♪ Easy money ♪♪
643
00:34:57,059 --> 00:35:00,392
Will these warm
temperatures continue?
This is Russ Richards.
644
00:35:00,392 --> 00:35:03,658
Catch me tonight
in the weather center
and find out.
645
00:35:03,658 --> 00:35:06,690
Right here
on Channel 6, WTPA.
646
00:35:35,319 --> 00:35:38,252
Okay. Ready.
( groans )
647
00:35:38,252 --> 00:35:41,018
( car horn blaring )
Yeah, hold on a second.
You hear that?
648
00:35:41,018 --> 00:35:43,551
I have been watching
your show--
649
00:35:43,551 --> 00:35:47,717
( horn blaring )
650
00:35:52,482 --> 00:35:56,015
( woman on TV, indistinct )
MAN ON TV: Enough about me.
651
00:35:59,147 --> 00:36:02,780
I don't know why.
But I'm fine.
I just don't know--
652
00:36:02,780 --> 00:36:04,947
Make way. Give her space.
Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
653
00:36:04,947 --> 00:36:07,980
Thank god. Yeah.
Crystal, you all right?
654
00:36:07,980 --> 00:36:11,112
But I don't know what happened
with the car.
Come on. Give her space.
655
00:36:21,078 --> 00:36:23,710
And I just had
the car checked.
Oh, that's crazy.
656
00:36:23,710 --> 00:36:25,943
Yeah.
Lucky you didn't hit your head.
657
00:36:25,943 --> 00:36:27,443
Well, who knows?
Maybe I did. I don't know.
658
00:36:27,443 --> 00:36:28,942
Maybe you should see a lawyer.
659
00:36:28,942 --> 00:36:31,675
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I know a lawyer.
660
00:36:31,675 --> 00:36:34,475
Do you? That's great, Bobby.
Thanks.
661
00:36:34,475 --> 00:36:38,207
Let me know if you
want his name!
662
00:36:38,207 --> 00:36:42,207
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
Tonight's jackpot
is $6.4 million!
663
00:36:42,207 --> 00:36:46,939
Our machine contains 80 balls,
and we'll draw 6 balls
from the machine.
664
00:36:46,939 --> 00:36:51,905
Drawing tonight will be
Channel 6's lottery girl,
Crystal Latroy.
665
00:36:51,905 --> 00:36:54,805
Now, let's start
the machine, please.
666
00:36:56,204 --> 00:36:59,037
Now, Crystal,
draw the first number.
667
00:37:02,970 --> 00:37:05,136
Seventy!
668
00:37:06,569 --> 00:37:08,835
And the second.
669
00:37:12,101 --> 00:37:14,201
Twenty-two!
670
00:37:14,201 --> 00:37:16,134
And the third.
671
00:37:20,600 --> 00:37:23,233
Seven!
672
00:37:23,233 --> 00:37:25,166
And now the fourth.
673
00:37:29,098 --> 00:37:31,232
Sixteen!
674
00:37:32,364 --> 00:37:35,097
And the fifth number, please.
675
00:37:37,530 --> 00:37:40,029
Nine!
676
00:37:40,029 --> 00:37:43,929
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth!
Twenty-seven.
677
00:37:49,028 --> 00:37:50,895
Twenty-seven!
678
00:37:50,895 --> 00:37:52,894
LOTTERY ANNOUNCER:
And there you have it.
679
00:37:52,894 --> 00:37:55,994
Tonight's Pennsylvania lottery
numbers: 70,
680
00:37:55,994 --> 00:37:58,293
22, 7, 16,
681
00:37:58,293 --> 00:38:00,359
9, 27.
682
00:38:00,359 --> 00:38:02,726
If you have it,
come and get it.
683
00:38:02,726 --> 00:38:05,159
Good girl.
If not, better luck next time.
684
00:38:05,159 --> 00:38:07,425
Back to you, Dan!
685
00:38:07,425 --> 00:38:11,091
ANNOUNCER:
That about wraps it up for
this edition of News at Five.
686
00:38:11,091 --> 00:38:14,790
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
We'll see you back here
tomorrow night.
687
00:38:14,790 --> 00:38:18,189
You can see
all the Pennsylvania lottery
drawings right here...
688
00:38:18,189 --> 00:38:20,956
on WTPA,
Channel 6.
689
00:38:29,588 --> 00:38:32,453
Oh! My head!
( groans )
690
00:38:32,453 --> 00:38:34,954
Crystal!
I got you.
691
00:38:34,954 --> 00:38:37,119
I got you. Come on, come on.
Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.
692
00:38:37,119 --> 00:38:39,385
No, let's-- Please, this way.
No, this way's better.
693
00:38:39,385 --> 00:38:41,185
No. This way!
All right.
694
00:38:41,185 --> 00:38:43,785
Oh, I'm not
making any sense.
Okay. Nice and easy.
695
00:38:43,785 --> 00:38:46,585
I-I-I don't-- Oh!
Nice-- I got you. I got you.
696
00:38:58,815 --> 00:39:01,448
You feelin' better now?
Ugh.
697
00:39:01,448 --> 00:39:03,748
I don't know.
Yeah.
698
00:39:03,748 --> 00:39:05,914
Uh-huh. Thanks.
I really do.
699
00:39:24,211 --> 00:39:26,511
( gasps ): Oh. Oh!
700
00:39:26,511 --> 00:39:29,243
Shit! Shit! Oh.
701
00:39:29,243 --> 00:39:31,643
God! Stop it!
702
00:39:31,643 --> 00:39:33,476
Stay in!
Come on!
703
00:39:33,476 --> 00:39:35,876
Get in!
704
00:39:35,876 --> 00:39:39,142
Stay in, little mothers.
Oh, shit.
705
00:39:39,142 --> 00:39:42,007
Okay, okay, okay.
706
00:39:42,941 --> 00:39:45,974
Okay.
( sighs )
707
00:39:45,974 --> 00:39:47,807
Hey!
( screams ): Oh, Bobby,
708
00:39:47,807 --> 00:39:49,207
you scared me.
709
00:39:49,207 --> 00:39:51,973
Are you sure
you should be drivin'?
710
00:39:51,973 --> 00:39:53,805
Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?
711
00:39:53,805 --> 00:39:56,839
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine now.
712
00:39:56,839 --> 00:39:58,871
Yeah. I had
a Three Musketeers.
713
00:39:58,871 --> 00:40:01,305
Okay, then.
Get some sleep.
714
00:40:01,305 --> 00:40:04,270
All right. Thanks, sweetie.
Are you sure you don't
want me to drive you home?
715
00:40:04,270 --> 00:40:06,870
No!
716
00:40:06,870 --> 00:40:09,603
Thank you, though.
You're sweet.
717
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:30,699
Good afternoon, Lawrence.
718
00:40:30,699 --> 00:40:32,832
Hey, Russ.
719
00:40:32,832 --> 00:40:34,932
I've been thinking about you.
Big news.
720
00:40:34,932 --> 00:40:38,097
No, I have.
First of all,
this is for you.
721
00:40:38,097 --> 00:40:40,797
Token of my appreciation for
how hard you've been working.
Thanks.
722
00:40:40,797 --> 00:40:45,096
And let me tell you
something else. A lot of people
have been talking about you.
723
00:40:45,096 --> 00:40:48,196
What people?
Let's get another thing
straight.
724
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:52,562
No one is stealing you
away from me,
because you are--
725
00:40:52,562 --> 00:40:54,695
What are you?
Number one.
726
00:40:54,695 --> 00:40:57,527
That's right.
Wow, it's quite an honor.
727
00:40:57,527 --> 00:41:00,793
I don't know what to say.
Well, don't say anything.
728
00:41:00,793 --> 00:41:03,560
As our Jewish friends say,
"Enjoy."
729
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:06,926
Look, Russ, remember
I told you about
my cousin's stepdad?
730
00:41:06,926 --> 00:41:09,659
The one with
the roadside fun park
in Colorado,
731
00:41:09,659 --> 00:41:11,758
in Leadville?
732
00:41:11,758 --> 00:41:14,658
Well, if you did, my brain
immediately purged it.
733
00:41:14,658 --> 00:41:18,690
Well, I gave him a call,
and I told him
about our situation,
734
00:41:18,690 --> 00:41:21,856
and he said he'd buy
our whole inventory
in one fell swoop.
735
00:41:21,856 --> 00:41:23,689
Really?
Well, how much?
736
00:41:23,689 --> 00:41:27,122
Okay, well,
here's where we run
into a small asterisk.
737
00:41:27,122 --> 00:41:28,355
Thirty thousand?
738
00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:31,122
( laughs ): Who is this guy,
Jesse James!
739
00:41:31,122 --> 00:41:34,288
I oughta get in
a Santa Claus outfit
and give 'em away.
740
00:41:34,288 --> 00:41:37,086
I just thought,
you know, if the noose
starts getting tighter.
741
00:41:37,086 --> 00:41:40,420
"The noose"?
Who am I talking to?
742
00:41:40,420 --> 00:41:44,052
Is this Larry, the winner?
Is this Larry number one?
743
00:41:44,052 --> 00:41:46,919
Am I talking to the Larry
that everybody's talking about?
744
00:41:46,919 --> 00:41:49,784
Who's talking about me?
Oh, hey.
745
00:41:49,784 --> 00:41:52,051
Hey, hey, good.
Good idea.
746
00:42:06,148 --> 00:42:08,948
Good morning, sweetie. Hi.
Hi.
747
00:42:08,948 --> 00:42:11,880
So, where is it?
What?
748
00:42:13,047 --> 00:42:15,814
The ticket.
I'm dying to see it.
749
00:42:15,814 --> 00:42:18,679
Well, I have it.
Don't worry.
750
00:42:18,679 --> 00:42:22,345
I'm not worried.
May I see it, please?
751
00:42:22,345 --> 00:42:24,978
Well, actually,
752
00:42:24,978 --> 00:42:27,144
I might hold on
to it for a while.
753
00:42:27,144 --> 00:42:30,311
What does that mean?
Well,
754
00:42:30,311 --> 00:42:33,177
first of all, how come
I'm only getting $20,000?
755
00:42:33,177 --> 00:42:36,010
I mean, I'm taking
all the risk, right?
756
00:42:36,010 --> 00:42:40,109
Walter?
And, you know,
757
00:42:40,109 --> 00:42:42,276
I'm-- I'm the one
who's gotta cash it in.
758
00:42:42,276 --> 00:42:44,542
What if they find out
this was rigged?
759
00:42:44,542 --> 00:42:47,407
No.
W-W-What if th-they--
760
00:42:47,407 --> 00:42:51,807
it's like this is
a setup or some kind of,
like, you know, an ambush.
761
00:42:51,807 --> 00:42:54,473
I could get caught.
I could get in trouble.
That's not gonna happen.
762
00:42:54,473 --> 00:42:57,239
No. Shh. Sweetie, listen.
You're being really silly.
763
00:42:57,239 --> 00:43:00,906
Okay?
Now, we made a deal,
and you agreed to it.
764
00:43:00,906 --> 00:43:02,971
So let's
just move forward
as planned, okay?
765
00:43:02,971 --> 00:43:05,604
No, why-- why can't we
split it three ways?
766
00:43:05,604 --> 00:43:08,171
The weatherman, you and me.
Who the fuck are you?
767
00:43:08,171 --> 00:43:12,603
I'm doin' all the work.
You're lucky to even get
a little bit, which is a lot.
768
00:43:12,603 --> 00:43:14,736
Well, can we-- I'm family.
769
00:43:14,736 --> 00:43:17,235
Go get
the fucking ticket!
770
00:43:17,235 --> 00:43:19,601
Now, give me the ticket,
you jerk-off!
771
00:43:19,601 --> 00:43:21,835
Get off me!
You're a whore!
772
00:43:21,835 --> 00:43:24,134
Stop it!
Oh!
773
00:43:24,134 --> 00:43:27,168
Do not fuck with me,
you sick, masturbating retard!
774
00:43:27,168 --> 00:43:29,600
Go ahead and rape me.
That's what you want!
775
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:31,433
Shut up!
Where's the ticket?
776
00:43:31,433 --> 00:43:34,099
I'm not telling you, slut!
I want that ticket now!
777
00:43:34,099 --> 00:43:37,132
I'm telling your parents!
Stop it!
778
00:43:37,132 --> 00:43:39,931
Are you ready for the song
"Bingo Was His Name-o"?
779
00:43:39,931 --> 00:43:42,398
CHILDREN: Yeah!
All right.
780
00:43:42,398 --> 00:43:46,097
♪ There was a farmer had a dog
And Bingo was his name-o ♪
781
00:43:46,097 --> 00:43:49,930
♪ B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O ♪
782
00:43:49,930 --> 00:43:52,129
WALTER ( gasping ):
Where is it?
783
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:54,096
My-- My-- My-- My--
My puffer.
784
00:43:54,096 --> 00:43:57,495
Your what? Stop it! What?
Puffer! Puffer!
785
00:43:57,495 --> 00:44:01,194
( wheezing, coughing ):
My puffer! I can't breathe!
786
00:44:01,194 --> 00:44:05,460
I'll get it. God.
Get it. Thank you. Thank you.
787
00:44:05,460 --> 00:44:08,427
Is this what you want,
your puffer?
Where's the ticket?
788
00:44:08,427 --> 00:44:10,759
( wheezing ):
I'm not telling you.
789
00:44:10,759 --> 00:44:13,025
Fine!
790
00:44:13,025 --> 00:44:16,691
( gasping, wheezing )
791
00:44:16,691 --> 00:44:18,758
F-Fuck y-you.
( TV turns on )
792
00:44:18,758 --> 00:44:21,158
( inhaler clicking,
expelling mist )
793
00:44:21,158 --> 00:44:24,424
TV: ♪ These days are all ♪
Walt, look. Happy Days is on.
794
00:44:24,424 --> 00:44:27,123
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Those happy days ♪
795
00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:30,656
♪ These days all ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
796
00:44:30,656 --> 00:44:33,588
♪ Good-bye gray skies
Hello blue ♪
♪ Hello blue ♪
797
00:44:33,588 --> 00:44:36,355
♪ There's nothing can hold me
When I hold you ♪
798
00:44:36,355 --> 00:44:38,721
♪ Feels so right
It can't be wrong ♪
♪ Can't be wrong ♪
799
00:44:38,721 --> 00:44:41,220
( singing with TV ):
♪ Rockin' and rollin'
all week long ♪♪
800
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:43,987
♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪
801
00:44:43,987 --> 00:44:46,586
♪ Yap-yap-yap
Yap-yap-yap ♪
802
00:44:46,586 --> 00:44:48,719
♪ The people on the bus
Go yap-yap-yap ♪♪
803
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:51,585
MAN ON TV:
Laverne de Fazio
and Shirley Feeney!
804
00:44:51,585 --> 00:44:54,285
Casablanca.
LAVERNE:
Casablanca.
805
00:44:54,285 --> 00:44:57,050
Shit!
MAN: Okay.
806
00:44:57,050 --> 00:45:01,250
( screaming, yelling
on TV )
807
00:45:01,250 --> 00:45:03,517
Damn it!
808
00:45:09,416 --> 00:45:11,349
Come on. Where is it?
809
00:45:17,981 --> 00:45:20,280
Oh! Goddamn it!
810
00:45:29,178 --> 00:45:31,044
Ugh.
811
00:45:32,011 --> 00:45:34,611
( sighs ):
I'm gonna puke.
812
00:45:34,611 --> 00:45:36,544
Oh!
813
00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:42,009
Yes. Yes!
Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
814
00:45:42,009 --> 00:45:44,942
Hey, Walt,
met your girlfriend.
815
00:45:44,942 --> 00:45:47,075
Cute.
816
00:45:48,941 --> 00:45:52,708
( voice breaking ):
Yes, I need an ambulance
right away.
817
00:45:52,708 --> 00:45:57,340
My cousin... had some kind
of asthma attack.
818
00:45:57,340 --> 00:46:00,906
He's not moving.
Okay.
819
00:46:00,906 --> 00:46:03,938
I can't believe it.
I-I m in shock.
820
00:46:03,938 --> 00:46:05,805
I thought he had
one of those inhaler things.
821
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:08,705
His puffer?
Yeah, I couldn't find it.
Yeah.
822
00:46:08,705 --> 00:46:10,104
You couldn't find it?
823
00:46:10,104 --> 00:46:12,071
No, well, we couldn't
find it at first.
824
00:46:12,071 --> 00:46:16,203
And then when we did
find it, it was all
out of shit, out of juice.
825
00:46:16,203 --> 00:46:19,569
Mist?
Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.
826
00:46:19,569 --> 00:46:22,169
Know what his last words were?
What?
827
00:46:22,169 --> 00:46:27,368
"Crystal,
my sweet angel,
Don't, don't.
828
00:46:27,368 --> 00:46:31,134
"Go into my wallet
and take the ticket,
829
00:46:31,134 --> 00:46:34,566
'cause you and Russ
deserve to have that money."
830
00:46:34,566 --> 00:46:37,299
Oh, God!
831
00:46:37,299 --> 00:46:39,366
Oh, fuck me.
No fried clams?
832
00:46:41,165 --> 00:46:43,165
Crystal? I know, baby.
Hmm.
833
00:46:43,165 --> 00:46:47,197
It's insensitive to--
Well, to bring up something
at a time like this,
834
00:46:47,197 --> 00:46:50,530
but I think we do have
a little problem.
835
00:46:50,530 --> 00:46:52,797
What?
836
00:46:52,797 --> 00:46:54,363
Well, with Walter gone,
837
00:46:54,363 --> 00:46:56,763
we have no one
to cash in the ticket.
838
00:46:56,763 --> 00:46:59,962
I mean, god rest his soul
and everything.
I wouldn't worry about that.
839
00:46:59,962 --> 00:47:02,728
Why?
I've got plenty of relatives.
840
00:47:02,728 --> 00:47:05,495
In fact, I'll probably
see a lot of them
at Walter s funeral.
841
00:47:05,495 --> 00:47:08,460
No. You know, I wouldn't
bring them into this.
842
00:47:08,460 --> 00:47:11,760
I mean, they've suffered enough.
WOMAN: There's Russ Richards!
843
00:47:11,760 --> 00:47:14,960
He's more handsome
in person!
844
00:47:17,025 --> 00:47:19,192
You know, it's times
like this you wonder.
845
00:47:19,192 --> 00:47:21,692
You wonder if there's
a higher being out there.
846
00:47:21,692 --> 00:47:25,391
I mean, maybe it was
just Walter s time on earth--
All right! Key lime pie.
847
00:47:25,391 --> 00:47:31,423
( rock music playing )
848
00:47:46,553 --> 00:47:49,286
Hello, Jerry, mate. How are you?
Gig.
849
00:47:54,052 --> 00:47:55,252
Wanna hear a cute story?
850
00:47:55,252 --> 00:47:58,119
I would love to hear
a cute story.
851
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:01,650
You know
I got a grandson,
six years old?
852
00:48:01,650 --> 00:48:04,183
That's a great age.
( chuckles ): Yeah.
853
00:48:04,183 --> 00:48:06,250
He says to me
the other day, he says,
854
00:48:06,250 --> 00:48:09,649
"Pop-pop, when I grow up,
855
00:48:09,649 --> 00:48:12,982
I wanna be a bookie
and run a numbers racket
just like you."
856
00:48:12,982 --> 00:48:15,082
Ohhh.
857
00:48:15,082 --> 00:48:16,981
I know. I melted.
858
00:48:18,115 --> 00:48:21,547
And then he asks me,
he says, "Pop-pop,
859
00:48:21,547 --> 00:48:23,913
"when people play
the numbers,
860
00:48:23,913 --> 00:48:27,346
what number
do they try to win?"
861
00:48:27,346 --> 00:48:29,346
So I explain to him.
862
00:48:29,346 --> 00:48:31,979
I say, "Sweetie,
every week we bookies,
863
00:48:31,979 --> 00:48:36,578
we get the number from someplace
our customers know
we can't control."
864
00:48:36,578 --> 00:48:40,610
And he says,
"Like Sesame Street?"
Lovely that, isn't it?
865
00:48:40,610 --> 00:48:43,111
( laughing ):
It's amazing what these kids
come up with, isn't it?
866
00:48:43,111 --> 00:48:45,876
It's amazing. And I say,
"No, no, no, no,
not Sesame Street.
867
00:48:45,876 --> 00:48:48,309
"We get the number
from the lottery drawing
on television,
868
00:48:48,309 --> 00:48:50,509
"the last three digits
of the real lotto,
869
00:48:50,509 --> 00:48:53,808
"because everyone knows
no one...
870
00:48:53,808 --> 00:48:56,074
"can rig
the state lottery,
871
00:48:56,074 --> 00:49:01,240
which means no one
can rig a bookie's number."
872
00:49:01,240 --> 00:49:03,606
That's right.
And he, he looks at me.
873
00:49:03,606 --> 00:49:07,805
You know, big long look
with these big brown eyes,
and he says,
874
00:49:07,805 --> 00:49:11,205
"And I bet no one
can win either!"
( chuckles )
875
00:49:11,205 --> 00:49:14,604
He's a genius.
Kid's a genius.
876
00:49:14,604 --> 00:49:16,604
After all, h-how often
do I have to pay out?
877
00:49:16,604 --> 00:49:18,970
Once, twice,
three times a year.
If.
878
00:49:18,970 --> 00:49:21,137
If. So, moving right along.
879
00:49:21,137 --> 00:49:26,036
Next day, guess what.
I had 12 people
hit the same number.
880
00:49:26,036 --> 00:49:29,569
No shit!
Yeah.
881
00:49:29,569 --> 00:49:32,935
Which even
a six-year-old kid knows...
( chuckles )
882
00:49:32,935 --> 00:49:34,967
Statistically
it's impossible.
883
00:49:34,967 --> 00:49:37,734
Out of the realm
of possibility.
Can't happen.
884
00:49:37,734 --> 00:49:43,799
I don't know what
to tell you, Jerry.
Here's the funny thing, though.
885
00:49:43,799 --> 00:49:46,366
When I looked at
the people who picked,
886
00:49:46,366 --> 00:49:48,365
a pattern
started to emerge.
887
00:49:48,365 --> 00:49:52,164
Really?
Yeah. Your ex-wife.
888
00:49:52,164 --> 00:49:55,163
( laughing )
889
00:49:56,764 --> 00:50:00,563
Your ex-wife.
Your ex-wife's mother.
890
00:50:00,563 --> 00:50:03,729
Her mother's sister.
Your dentist.
891
00:50:03,729 --> 00:50:05,695
Your cousin Vic.
892
00:50:05,695 --> 00:50:08,728
A few other stray
crinkly leaves
from the family tree.
893
00:50:08,728 --> 00:50:11,427
They all played variations
on the same number.
894
00:50:12,861 --> 00:50:15,660
You know, Jerry.
Hmm.
895
00:50:15,660 --> 00:50:17,760
If it wasn't for the fact
that we are dear friends--
896
00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:19,792
We are dear friends, right?
Dear friends.
897
00:50:19,792 --> 00:50:24,192
I would suspect that you
are accusing me of something.
898
00:50:25,925 --> 00:50:27,725
Of what?
899
00:50:27,725 --> 00:50:31,458
I mean, Jesus Christ himself
can't rig the state lottery.
900
00:50:33,857 --> 00:50:36,856
Thank you.
901
00:50:36,856 --> 00:50:38,723
Unless--
902
00:50:38,723 --> 00:50:42,855
Unless Jesus had a buddy
down at the TV station.
903
00:50:44,022 --> 00:50:47,088
Ahh.
Ahh.
904
00:50:47,088 --> 00:50:50,487
Nah. ( chuckles )
A real stumper, huh?
905
00:50:50,487 --> 00:50:54,020
Yeah, it's a fuckin'
head scratcher, Jerry.
A fuckin' head scratcher.
906
00:50:54,020 --> 00:50:56,319
Fuckin' head scratcher,
mate.
907
00:50:56,319 --> 00:50:59,252
You know, I got some pals
down at the D.A.'s office.
908
00:50:59,252 --> 00:51:01,518
Always looking for
a good head scratcher.
909
00:51:04,651 --> 00:51:07,085
Now, Jerry,
you never told me
you had a grandson.
910
00:51:07,884 --> 00:51:09,683
I don't.
911
00:51:11,184 --> 00:51:13,450
( laughing )
912
00:51:30,647 --> 00:51:33,280
Hello, Dale, love.
How are you?
913
00:51:33,280 --> 00:51:36,245
What you gonna do
tonight, Kippy?
Gonna watch Sportscenter.
914
00:51:36,245 --> 00:51:38,112
You're gonna watch
Sportscenter,
915
00:51:38,112 --> 00:51:41,812
and you're gonna see
if Winchell is still out
with the knee thing.
916
00:51:41,812 --> 00:51:43,911
JERRY:
And if he's still out
with the knee thing,
917
00:51:43,911 --> 00:51:46,177
we gotta change the spread
on Detroit, right?
918
00:51:46,177 --> 00:51:48,077
Right.
So what are you gonna do?
919
00:51:48,077 --> 00:51:50,843
I'm gonna watch Sportscenter.
Go home. Watch it. Good night.
920
00:51:50,843 --> 00:51:54,109
Good night.
[Car door slams, engine starts]
921
00:51:54,109 --> 00:51:58,675
Beautiful. Lovely. Flat tire.
♪ Oh, the shark, babe,
Has such teeth, dear ♪
922
00:51:58,675 --> 00:52:03,873
Kippy? Kippy!
♪ And it shows them
Pearly whites ♪
923
00:52:03,873 --> 00:52:08,173
This is just lovely.
♪ Just a jackknife ♪
924
00:52:08,173 --> 00:52:11,739
♪ Has old MacHeath, babe ♪
Just lovely.
925
00:52:11,739 --> 00:52:17,038
♪ And he keeps it
Out of sight ♪
926
00:52:17,038 --> 00:52:20,037
Ah!
♪ You know when
That shark bite ♪
927
00:52:20,037 --> 00:52:22,837
♪ With his teeth babe ♪
928
00:52:22,837 --> 00:52:28,736
♪ Scarlet billows
Start to spread ♪
929
00:52:28,736 --> 00:52:34,501
♪ Fancy gloves, though
Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪
930
00:52:34,501 --> 00:52:38,667
♪ So there's never
Never a trace of red ♪
931
00:52:40,068 --> 00:52:42,866
♪ Now on the sidewalk
Huh, huh ♪
932
00:52:42,866 --> 00:52:45,267
♪ Ooh Sunday morning uh-huh ♪
933
00:52:46,200 --> 00:52:48,666
♪ Lies a body ♪
934
00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:50,932
♪ Just oozin' life ♪
935
00:52:50,932 --> 00:52:54,698
♪ Eek
And someone's sneakin' ♪
936
00:52:54,698 --> 00:52:57,731
♪ 'Tound the corner ♪
937
00:52:57,731 --> 00:53:02,430
♪ Could that someone
Be Mack the knife ♪♪
938
00:53:24,327 --> 00:53:26,759
Nine!
939
00:53:26,759 --> 00:53:29,292
ANNOUNCER:
And the sixth.
940
00:53:31,925 --> 00:53:35,390
Twenty-seven!
Ooh, twenty-seven.
941
00:53:36,324 --> 00:53:39,357
What the hell is she up to?
942
00:53:40,856 --> 00:53:44,356
You're not smart enough
to pull a thing like this off.
943
00:53:47,422 --> 00:53:49,754
Balls are just
laying there.
944
00:54:06,018 --> 00:54:07,885
Hey.
945
00:54:07,885 --> 00:54:10,351
( chuckling ): How are you?
Hey!
946
00:54:10,351 --> 00:54:13,418
Hey, you're that, uh--
you're the, uh--
947
00:54:13,418 --> 00:54:15,517
Weatherman.
Oh, shit!
948
00:54:15,517 --> 00:54:18,283
Hey, I watch you
every night!
Yeah? Thank you.
949
00:54:18,283 --> 00:54:20,683
Let me give you a hand.
No, it's okay.
950
00:54:20,683 --> 00:54:23,049
I insist!
I can carry my own
groceries, please.
951
00:54:23,049 --> 00:54:26,748
Wow, man!
It must be great having
a job like yours, no?
952
00:54:26,748 --> 00:54:28,881
Well, it, uh,
it pays the bills.
953
00:54:28,881 --> 00:54:31,847
Nah, you guys just read
a bunch of crap
from cue cards, right?
954
00:54:31,847 --> 00:54:35,513
Cold in the east.
A storm on the right.
It looks like rain.
955
00:54:35,513 --> 00:54:38,146
Aah!
It's a little more
complicated than that.
956
00:54:38,146 --> 00:54:41,212
Let me ask you something.
I'm trying to plan my birthday
in a couple of months.
957
00:54:41,212 --> 00:54:43,512
Can you tell me if it's
going to be a nice day?
It's gonna be grand.
958
00:54:43,512 --> 00:54:45,744
Oh, right, hey,
nice meeting you.
959
00:54:45,744 --> 00:54:48,011
Always great to know a fan.
Your name was?
960
00:54:48,011 --> 00:54:50,144
Dale.
Dale.
961
00:54:50,144 --> 00:54:53,410
Yeah.
The thug?
962
00:54:53,410 --> 00:54:58,009
So, Russ, I just want
to apologize about
the last time we spoke.
963
00:54:58,009 --> 00:55:01,475
I wasn't really feeling good.
I was feeling
sort of vulnerable.
964
00:55:01,475 --> 00:55:04,675
I had fear issues come up,
being arrested and all.
That's okay.
965
00:55:04,675 --> 00:55:07,441
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I was drinking,
966
00:55:07,441 --> 00:55:10,440
which I'm really not
supposed to do, you know,
on the medication.
967
00:55:10,440 --> 00:55:12,240
Oh, I see.
Can I have some of these?
968
00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:15,439
Yeah, go ahead.
You know, it wasn't
a good moment.
969
00:55:15,439 --> 00:55:17,938
I just wanted to
make an amends.
970
00:55:17,938 --> 00:55:20,239
Hey, listen,
don't you worry.
971
00:55:20,239 --> 00:55:22,905
The truth is, I should
be apologizing to you.
972
00:55:22,905 --> 00:55:27,071
I was gonna call you
about the $10,000, but
the station got so busy.
973
00:55:27,071 --> 00:55:29,936
Don't worry about
the ten grand, Russell.
974
00:55:29,936 --> 00:55:33,603
It's water
under the bridge.
Really? Wow!
975
00:55:33,603 --> 00:55:35,735
I didn't know that.
All right then.
976
00:55:35,735 --> 00:55:37,335
Okay, let's celebrate.
977
00:55:37,335 --> 00:55:39,368
Yeah, I wanna move forward
978
00:55:39,368 --> 00:55:42,201
because the new number I have
in mind is more like half a mil.
979
00:55:42,201 --> 00:55:45,301
( spits )
980
00:55:45,301 --> 00:55:47,600
( clears throat )
981
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:49,800
Come here, Russ.
982
00:55:49,800 --> 00:55:51,999
I rather not.
Russ, come sit down.
983
00:55:51,999 --> 00:55:55,832
No, no.
Come on. Sit the fuck down!
984
00:55:55,832 --> 00:55:58,365
Okay.
985
00:55:58,365 --> 00:56:02,064
Unfortunately, Russell,
we have a new wrinkle
in the situation.
986
00:56:02,064 --> 00:56:04,064
Oh, really?
What's the wrinkle?
987
00:56:04,064 --> 00:56:06,930
Basically I had to play piñata
with Jerry the bookie's skull.
988
00:56:06,930 --> 00:56:09,629
See, that ups
the invoice a little.
Is he okay?
989
00:56:09,629 --> 00:56:12,296
No, he's dead.
Oh! Oh, god.
990
00:56:12,296 --> 00:56:14,429
You know, okay.
991
00:56:14,429 --> 00:56:17,194
I'm really uncomfortable
with this kind
of conversation.
992
00:56:17,194 --> 00:56:18,994
You know, not to mention,
993
00:56:18,994 --> 00:56:22,294
I broke my 1986 World Series
commemorative bat.
994
00:56:22,294 --> 00:56:25,260
Oh, yeah?
It was a birthday gift
from my mother.
995
00:56:25,260 --> 00:56:28,960
She's gettin' a little old,
and she's not feeling good
these days.
996
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:31,825
She hasn't left the house
in six weeks.
Okay, just give me--
997
00:56:31,825 --> 00:56:34,458
You killed Jerry the bookie
with a bat?
998
00:56:34,458 --> 00:56:37,491
It's not like a half a mil
is gonna hurt you,
You crushed his skull?
999
00:56:37,491 --> 00:56:40,057
With that lottery ticket
of yours.
1000
00:56:43,423 --> 00:56:47,390
Get me the money, Russ.
Ohh!
1001
00:56:47,390 --> 00:56:49,622
Great, Gig.
We gotta talk about this.
1002
00:56:49,622 --> 00:56:53,055
I'll fuckin' ball-bat you,
you creep cocksucker.
1003
00:56:53,055 --> 00:56:55,222
Okay, okay.
1004
00:56:55,222 --> 00:56:57,154
Okay.
( coughing )
1005
00:57:00,288 --> 00:57:02,253
Mint Listerine?
Yeah.
1006
00:57:02,253 --> 00:57:05,853
When did they
come out with this?
I don't know.
1007
00:57:05,853 --> 00:57:08,019
Is it good?
Yeah, it's good.
1008
00:57:10,685 --> 00:57:13,585
( tires screeching )
1009
00:57:18,217 --> 00:57:22,549
All right, look,
just give this dale guy
a little extra money.
1010
00:57:22,549 --> 00:57:26,016
Big deal. It's better
than losing it all.
Better than being dead too.
1011
00:57:26,016 --> 00:57:29,282
Crystal, he hits people
with commemorative bats!
1012
00:57:29,282 --> 00:57:32,015
He's not gonna
hit you with a bat.
He's your friend.
1013
00:57:32,015 --> 00:57:34,414
What?
Yeah. You wanna see
the leather jacket I got?
1014
00:57:34,414 --> 00:57:38,446
He's not my friend.
I just met this guy.
How can he be my f--
1015
00:57:38,446 --> 00:57:40,613
Look-- $900.
( sighs )
1016
00:57:40,613 --> 00:57:44,179
Made in Italy.
I'm not screwing around
anymore, you know?
1017
00:57:44,179 --> 00:57:46,812
If it wasn't on a boat,
I don't want it.
Stop it, Crystal.
1018
00:57:46,812 --> 00:57:50,078
You have got to stop
buying things from Italy.
You are not a millionaire.
1019
00:57:50,078 --> 00:57:52,311
We-- We are not
millionaires.
1020
00:57:52,311 --> 00:57:55,977
The first thing we gotta do
is find a trustworthy,
non-asthmatic person...
1021
00:57:55,977 --> 00:57:59,743
to cash in this ticket
A.S.A.P., or we're dead.
1022
00:57:59,743 --> 00:58:01,609
Funny you should
mention that.
1023
00:58:01,609 --> 00:58:04,643
I think I have another
candidate who'd be perfect.
Oh, yeah? Who?
1024
00:58:04,643 --> 00:58:08,075
This guy that I was seeing
for a while when I was
waitressing at the racetrack.
1025
00:58:08,075 --> 00:58:10,807
I think he still
works there too.
A real sweet guy.
1026
00:58:10,807 --> 00:58:14,240
Bought me a really
expensive parrot, too,
from Brazil or something.
1027
00:58:14,240 --> 00:58:16,107
My cat bit its head off.
1028
00:58:16,107 --> 00:58:19,139
You hated that fucking bird,
didn't you, sweetie?
1029
00:58:19,139 --> 00:58:21,039
The racetrack, eh.
1030
00:58:21,039 --> 00:58:23,839
Well, actually,
he's an unofficial employee.
1031
00:58:23,839 --> 00:58:27,438
He injects horses
with some kind of shit
that makes them run faster.
1032
00:58:27,438 --> 00:58:32,337
Forget it.
Just cross him off the list.
Forget him. Who else?
1033
00:58:32,337 --> 00:58:35,403
There is Scatter,
the guy who installed
my carpet.
1034
00:58:35,403 --> 00:58:38,103
Went to high school with him.
The man's name is Scatter?
1035
00:58:38,103 --> 00:58:40,569
Yeah, well,
he's a total coke freak,
1036
00:58:40,569 --> 00:58:43,768
which could work in our favor
because he usually needs money.
1037
00:58:43,768 --> 00:58:47,468
No, junkies
are problematic.
Let's keep thinkin'.
1038
00:58:47,468 --> 00:58:49,734
Mm-hmm.
1039
00:58:51,433 --> 00:58:54,066
Wanna have sex?
Oh, yeah.
1040
00:59:11,763 --> 00:59:15,730
You know, I-- I was just
feeling good that day.
1041
00:59:17,062 --> 00:59:19,362
Yeah. I, uh--
1042
00:59:19,362 --> 00:59:22,794
I don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss, boy.
1043
00:59:22,794 --> 00:59:25,095
I'm at a total loss.
1044
00:59:25,095 --> 00:59:28,427
I mean, here you are,
supposedly injured,
all right?
1045
00:59:28,427 --> 00:59:33,226
You're collecting your full
lieutenant's salary
and full disability.
1046
00:59:33,226 --> 00:59:35,959
I didn't even
want to do this.
Matt had to talk me into it.
1047
00:59:35,959 --> 00:59:37,958
You know how stupid
I felt?
1048
00:59:37,958 --> 00:59:42,258
The lower back,
it's an enigma.
1049
00:59:42,258 --> 00:59:44,458
Pat, I'm gonna be
straight with you.
1050
00:59:44,458 --> 00:59:47,857
Obviously I have
alternatives to pursue here,
but I'm not gonna do it...
1051
00:59:47,857 --> 00:59:51,123
because-- 'cause I don't
want this getting out.
1052
00:59:51,123 --> 00:59:54,855
All right?
It makes everybody look bad.
1053
00:59:54,855 --> 00:59:58,722
From now on,
you are back on full patrol.
1054
00:59:58,722 --> 01:00:01,121
Here, get started
with this.
1055
01:00:03,054 --> 01:00:05,287
A missing person's case?
Yeah, a bookie.
1056
01:00:05,287 --> 01:00:08,653
Jerry Green.
No one's seen him
for about a week.
1057
01:00:08,653 --> 01:00:11,152
Huh. Jeez.
1058
01:00:11,152 --> 01:00:14,019
What happened to him?
I don't know, pat.
1059
01:00:14,019 --> 01:00:17,718
That's what you're
supposed to find out.
1060
01:00:17,718 --> 01:00:19,884
Right. All right.
1061
01:00:19,884 --> 01:00:23,050
We talked earlier about
the fact there's a shortage
of wading pools in the area.
1062
01:00:23,050 --> 01:00:26,416
Dick? Judy said
you wanted to see me.
1063
01:00:26,416 --> 01:00:28,983
Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat.
Be right with you.
1064
01:00:28,983 --> 01:00:31,649
( chuckling )
Is that Chuck Rhodes?
1065
01:00:31,649 --> 01:00:33,415
This guy kills me.
1066
01:00:33,415 --> 01:00:34,748
I found Crystal too.
1067
01:00:34,748 --> 01:00:37,581
Oh, hiya, kid.
Judy, close the door.
1068
01:00:37,581 --> 01:00:39,847
Okay.
Thanks.
1069
01:00:39,847 --> 01:00:43,380
What's going on?
( laughing )
1070
01:00:43,380 --> 01:00:45,247
( TV turns off )
1071
01:00:47,247 --> 01:00:50,446
So, Russ,
how's the finances?
What?
1072
01:00:50,446 --> 01:00:52,312
What?
The finances.
1073
01:00:52,312 --> 01:00:54,378
W-- Great.
Good.
1074
01:00:54,378 --> 01:00:59,178
Because you seemed to be
in a bind a few weeks ago.
Well, that was then.
1075
01:00:59,178 --> 01:01:02,377
Terrific.
And how are you, honey?
We haven't talked in a while.
1076
01:01:02,377 --> 01:01:05,776
Did you know may left me?
Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.
1077
01:01:05,776 --> 01:01:08,176
Life's tough.
And how.
1078
01:01:08,176 --> 01:01:11,242
But you seem
to be doing well.
I'm great.
1079
01:01:11,242 --> 01:01:14,674
Why wouldn't you be great,
with a friend like Russ here?
1080
01:01:16,174 --> 01:01:19,407
Yeah. Look at that, huh?
Oh, jeez.
1081
01:01:19,407 --> 01:01:21,740
Oh, boy.
1082
01:01:21,740 --> 01:01:24,573
How 'bout that?
1083
01:01:24,573 --> 01:01:26,772
Don't say a word,
not one.
1084
01:01:26,772 --> 01:01:31,504
'cause if I hear one
bullshit comment like, "What
are you talking about?"...
1085
01:01:31,504 --> 01:01:33,771
I'm gonna call the cops.
What?
1086
01:01:33,771 --> 01:01:37,904
Wh-what do you mean?
It slipped out, Dick.
We're listening. Go ahead.
1087
01:01:37,904 --> 01:01:39,936
I chewed on it
for three days,
1088
01:01:39,936 --> 01:01:43,703
and I'm convinced
I have enough evidence to
fuck you both up big time.
1089
01:01:43,703 --> 01:01:46,835
Bullshit.
You don't have any evidence.
What is that?
1090
01:01:46,835 --> 01:01:48,735
Stop it. Shut up. You shut up.
You shut up.
1091
01:01:48,735 --> 01:01:51,034
Shut up! No.
That's bullshit.
1092
01:01:51,034 --> 01:01:53,101
Dick, you have the floor.
You have the floor.
1093
01:01:53,101 --> 01:01:55,867
Go ahead.
Short and sweet.
1094
01:01:55,867 --> 01:01:57,733
I want half the money,
1095
01:01:57,733 --> 01:01:59,666
or I'll have you arrested,
1096
01:01:59,666 --> 01:02:02,899
and I might even do it
on air, live.
1097
01:02:02,899 --> 01:02:06,265
Imagine the ratings.
I'd like to see you
fucking try, asshole.
1098
01:02:06,265 --> 01:02:08,731
You're gonna see me.
I'll kill you,
I swear to god!
1099
01:02:08,731 --> 01:02:11,965
I'm gonna kill you!
You treacherous little bitch!
1100
01:02:11,965 --> 01:02:13,830
You got one week
to get your shit together.
1101
01:02:13,830 --> 01:02:17,330
Hey, you listening to me?
I want the money.
( door slams )
1102
01:02:17,330 --> 01:02:20,796
Okay. Okay.
Okay, let's do a little math.
1103
01:02:20,796 --> 01:02:23,962
You want 20 percent,
Dale wants half a million,
God bless him.
1104
01:02:23,962 --> 01:02:26,128
Dick wants half
of everything.
1105
01:02:26,128 --> 01:02:30,628
I don't have a calculator,
but it seems to me
I'm suddenly in debt again!
1106
01:02:30,628 --> 01:02:34,327
Dale's money
comes out of your share.
He's your friend.
1107
01:02:34,327 --> 01:02:37,626
He's not my friend.
He's his friend.
I hardly know the man.
1108
01:02:37,626 --> 01:02:39,759
Who cares?
It's all fuckin' moot now.
1109
01:02:39,759 --> 01:02:42,426
The only thing that's moot to me
is the Dick Simmons issue.
1110
01:02:42,426 --> 01:02:44,025
CRYSTAL: Yeah.
1111
01:02:44,025 --> 01:02:46,791
You get a toothache,
you pull the tooth.
1112
01:02:46,791 --> 01:02:48,958
What does that mean?
1113
01:02:48,958 --> 01:02:51,557
Let's kill the son of a bitch.
Oh, god!
1114
01:02:51,557 --> 01:02:53,357
CRYSTAL: Yes!
No!
1115
01:02:53,357 --> 01:02:56,523
Yes!
One quick call to dale,
and we're back on track.
1116
01:02:56,523 --> 01:02:58,689
Absolutely!
Let's do it.
1117
01:02:58,689 --> 01:03:00,889
What is wrong with you?
1118
01:03:00,889 --> 01:03:02,789
He threatened us.
Just remember that.
1119
01:03:02,789 --> 01:03:06,254
It is extortion.
Does that mean
he's gotta be dead?
1120
01:03:06,254 --> 01:03:08,688
We're not giving him
half our money.
What money?
1121
01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:11,620
That worthless scrap
of shit we have?
Yeah, okay.
1122
01:03:11,620 --> 01:03:15,786
Maybe it's time for your friend,
the drug-addicted
carpet installer.
1123
01:03:15,786 --> 01:03:19,419
Oh, Scatter.
Scatter! Yeah!
Maybe he could help us.
1124
01:03:19,419 --> 01:03:22,885
This is killing me.
I have slept five hours
this whole week.
1125
01:03:22,885 --> 01:03:26,384
Oh, god, here we go.
I have dandruff
with flakes this big.
1126
01:03:26,384 --> 01:03:28,218
I've gained two pounds!
1127
01:03:28,218 --> 01:03:31,550
Listen to my voice.
I'm losing my instrument.
1128
01:03:31,550 --> 01:03:33,449
Shouting isn't helping.
1129
01:03:33,449 --> 01:03:35,049
WOMAN: Gig?
Yeah?
1130
01:03:35,049 --> 01:03:37,316
There's a couple of cops
in the club asking for you.
1131
01:03:37,316 --> 01:03:39,582
I'll be right in.
Oh, great!
1132
01:03:39,582 --> 01:03:43,481
Now there's cops in the club.
I've always wanted to give
an inmate fame.
1133
01:03:43,481 --> 01:03:46,581
They kill the celebrities first
and then they fuck 'em
in the butt.
1134
01:03:46,581 --> 01:03:50,279
Will you just relax, please?
There are cops always
in this club.
1135
01:03:50,279 --> 01:03:53,046
They're probably arranging
an engagement party.
Yeah, right.
1136
01:03:53,046 --> 01:03:56,812
Just hold on a tick.
Yeah.
1137
01:03:56,812 --> 01:03:59,145
STEREO:
♪ Toe to toe ♪
1138
01:03:59,145 --> 01:04:03,544
♪ Dancing very close ♪
1139
01:04:03,544 --> 01:04:07,010
♪ Body breathing ♪♪
GIG: Good evening, officers.
1140
01:04:07,010 --> 01:04:10,709
What can I do for you?
Are you the owner?
1141
01:04:10,709 --> 01:04:13,143
Yes, I am. Gig.
1142
01:04:13,143 --> 01:04:17,775
Gig, do you know a guy
by the name of Jerry Green?
1143
01:04:17,775 --> 01:04:20,541
He apparently is known
to come in here.
1144
01:04:20,541 --> 01:04:24,007
Yeah, Jerry the bookie.
Comes in here all the time.
1145
01:04:24,007 --> 01:04:27,006
Has he been in here lately,
because, I mean,
1146
01:04:27,006 --> 01:04:29,406
nobody's seen this guy
around for a while.
1147
01:04:29,406 --> 01:04:31,972
Ah...
1148
01:04:31,972 --> 01:04:34,272
about a week ago,
I think.
1149
01:04:34,272 --> 01:04:37,171
Huh.
1150
01:04:40,804 --> 01:04:44,003
♪ Back to back ♪
1151
01:04:44,003 --> 01:04:47,102
♪ Sacroiliac ♪
1152
01:04:48,802 --> 01:04:51,902
♪ Spineless movement ♪
1153
01:04:51,902 --> 01:04:55,202
♪ And a wild attack ♪♪
Excuse me, you wanna
get back to this?
1154
01:04:55,202 --> 01:04:59,434
Maybe ask another question
or two?
Yeah, yeah.
1155
01:04:59,434 --> 01:05:02,800
Where... do you find girls
like that?
1156
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:04,899
I mean, who'd do
that kind of stuff.
1157
01:05:04,899 --> 01:05:07,166
Well, you know,
it's remarkably easy.
1158
01:05:07,166 --> 01:05:08,999
You'd be surprised.
1159
01:05:08,999 --> 01:05:13,865
These two, I believe,
we imported from
upstate New York.
1160
01:05:13,865 --> 01:05:18,830
I was gonna say,
they seem like...
Albany girls.
1161
01:05:21,630 --> 01:05:25,262
Uh, so, anyway, we just
wanted to drop by...
1162
01:05:25,262 --> 01:05:28,962
and find out
if you've seen this guy.
1163
01:05:28,962 --> 01:05:30,795
Well, I'll
let you know.
1164
01:05:30,795 --> 01:05:34,794
Although, with Jerry,
he could be shacked up
anywhere.
1165
01:05:34,794 --> 01:05:36,861
He's a bookie,
for Christ s sake.
1166
01:05:38,993 --> 01:05:43,792
It was nothing. Nothing.
The word "lotto"
never even came up.
1167
01:05:43,792 --> 01:05:46,325
See, Mr. Crazy Man?
Thank god!
1168
01:05:46,325 --> 01:05:48,091
They were checking on Jerry.
A missing person's thing.
1169
01:05:48,091 --> 01:05:50,325
They asked about Jerry?
1170
01:05:50,325 --> 01:05:53,357
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was just routine.
Not routine.
1171
01:05:53,357 --> 01:05:56,157
It's called
a murder investigation.
1172
01:05:56,157 --> 01:05:58,790
No, trust me.
Dale took care
of everything.
1173
01:05:58,790 --> 01:06:01,490
They'll find a cure for cancer
before they find Jerry.
1174
01:06:01,490 --> 01:06:05,022
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.
1175
01:06:05,022 --> 01:06:08,755
( news show theme )
Covering Harrisburg, New York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
1176
01:06:08,755 --> 01:06:12,221
it's News at Five
with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
1177
01:06:12,221 --> 01:06:14,221
and Russ Richards
with the weather.
1178
01:06:14,221 --> 01:06:18,619
( music continues )
This is News at Five.
1179
01:06:18,619 --> 01:06:21,286
Our top story tonight:
1180
01:06:21,286 --> 01:06:26,552
the body of a local bookmaker
was found floating
in the Susquehanna River today.
1181
01:06:26,552 --> 01:06:31,084
Police say it was
definitely foul play
and are following leads.
1182
01:06:31,084 --> 01:06:33,083
More on that story
in a moment.
1183
01:06:33,083 --> 01:06:35,017
First, let's check in
with the weather center...
1184
01:06:35,017 --> 01:06:38,783
to see if we can expect more of
these springlike temperatures.
1185
01:06:38,783 --> 01:06:40,782
Russ?
1186
01:06:40,782 --> 01:06:42,649
Russ?
1187
01:06:44,348 --> 01:06:46,315
Oh, yeah?
1188
01:06:46,315 --> 01:06:49,447
How about these
springlike temperatures?
What?
1189
01:06:49,447 --> 01:06:53,680
The uncommonly warm weather--
will it continue?
1190
01:06:56,513 --> 01:06:59,179
Russ?
Russ?
1191
01:07:00,546 --> 01:07:03,845
Uh, um, wh-what
was that question?
1192
01:07:03,845 --> 01:07:06,111
Thanks, Russ.
1193
01:07:06,111 --> 01:07:10,944
Well, it seems like we can
keep those thermal socks
in the cedar closet...
1194
01:07:10,944 --> 01:07:12,943
for the time being then.
1195
01:07:12,943 --> 01:07:14,776
That's right, Dan.
1196
01:07:14,776 --> 01:07:17,576
Police are calling it...
1197
01:07:17,576 --> 01:07:22,208
the crudest attempt
to dispose of a body
in recent memory.
1198
01:07:22,208 --> 01:07:24,475
Jerry Green
of Linglestown...
1199
01:07:24,475 --> 01:07:26,607
was apparently
bludgeoned to death...
1200
01:07:26,607 --> 01:07:30,274
and then dropped into the river
with a small brick
taped to one wrist.
1201
01:07:30,274 --> 01:07:35,106
Police say this was
insufficient weight
to keep the corpse submerged.
1202
01:07:52,403 --> 01:07:54,203
( sighs )
1203
01:07:54,203 --> 01:07:57,269
What time did they pull
this bookie out of the river?
1204
01:07:57,269 --> 01:08:01,901
Scotty told me around 6:00.
Ted told me 8:00.
1205
01:08:01,901 --> 01:08:04,867
It's like a fucking
guessing game.
1206
01:08:04,867 --> 01:08:08,866
They pulled him at 6:00
and bagged him at 8:00.
1207
01:08:08,866 --> 01:08:12,799
Was he nude?
Somebody said he had
a t-shirt on.
1208
01:08:12,799 --> 01:08:16,732
Why don't you get off
your ass and check
the reports, man?
1209
01:08:20,764 --> 01:08:23,564
I'm goin' with nude.
1210
01:08:23,564 --> 01:08:26,563
I'm so glad this thing
is finally over.
1211
01:08:27,763 --> 01:08:30,129
What does that mean?
1212
01:08:30,129 --> 01:08:32,829
We don't have to look
for this guy anymore.
1213
01:08:32,829 --> 01:08:35,328
Gee, wouldn't it be great if we
found out who killed him?
1214
01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:38,728
I realize that entails
a little more work, but I'm
just thinkin' out loud.
1215
01:08:38,728 --> 01:08:42,461
Has it ever occurred to you,
chambers, that he was drunk...
1216
01:08:42,461 --> 01:08:44,393
and he just slipped
off the bridge?
1217
01:08:44,393 --> 01:08:47,592
Hmm? A little thing
called an accident.
1218
01:08:47,592 --> 01:08:51,125
Why is everybody around here
so foul-play happy?
1219
01:08:51,125 --> 01:08:53,525
The man was bludgeoned
to death, Lakewood!
1220
01:08:53,525 --> 01:08:56,391
His skull was bashed in,
he had a plastic bag
over his head...
1221
01:08:56,391 --> 01:08:59,057
and duct tape
around his neck.
1222
01:09:00,124 --> 01:09:02,223
Keep going.
1223
01:09:08,356 --> 01:09:11,289
MAN ON TV:
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.
1224
01:09:11,289 --> 01:09:13,355
What is it that
makes you successful...
1225
01:09:13,355 --> 01:09:15,988
and all the others
knocking on the doors
not so successful?
1226
01:09:15,988 --> 01:09:17,221
MAN 2:
I'm not so sure.
1227
01:09:17,221 --> 01:09:19,220
As I travel around the country,
1228
01:09:19,220 --> 01:09:21,820
I see on television guys
who would make good
game show hosts,
1229
01:09:21,820 --> 01:09:24,620
but I don't tell 'em.
( laughter )
1230
01:09:24,620 --> 01:09:29,719
I think, to me,
the analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake.
1231
01:09:29,719 --> 01:09:32,885
But the format is the cake.
No one--
1232
01:09:32,885 --> 01:09:36,184
( man talking on TV )
1233
01:09:36,184 --> 01:09:39,151
I'll love you
till the day I die.
1234
01:09:41,883 --> 01:09:44,682
Yes! And again.
1235
01:09:44,682 --> 01:09:47,349
MAN:
At 2:15 that afternoon,
Johnny Clay--
1236
01:09:47,349 --> 01:09:50,149
( TV continues, faint )
1237
01:10:37,240 --> 01:10:40,140
He's expecting me.
Come in.
1238
01:10:44,205 --> 01:10:46,005
I don't know why I did it.
1239
01:10:46,005 --> 01:10:49,570
It all unraveled
and then one thing happened
after another.
1240
01:10:49,570 --> 01:10:52,537
Jesus.
I'm still in shock, boss.
1241
01:10:52,537 --> 01:10:54,736
I'm in so much trouble,
Larry.
1242
01:10:54,736 --> 01:10:59,735
No man becomes wise
without stepping on
the soil of fools.
1243
01:10:59,735 --> 01:11:02,268
Right. Right!
1244
01:11:02,268 --> 01:11:04,602
But I never claimed
to be--
1245
01:11:04,602 --> 01:11:07,335
That's good.
Where did you get that?
Is that from the Bible?
1246
01:11:07,335 --> 01:11:11,334
Actually, it's from this play
I wrote in eighth grade
about Evel Knievel.
1247
01:11:11,334 --> 01:11:14,366
Oh.
What are you gonna do?
1248
01:11:14,366 --> 01:11:16,433
Well, I have a plan,
I do.
1249
01:11:16,433 --> 01:11:19,166
But I need money.
I need it fast.
1250
01:11:19,166 --> 01:11:22,998
So I was thinking about that guy
who wanted the snowmobiles,
the one in Colorado?
1251
01:11:22,998 --> 01:11:26,498
Yeah.
Well, you think
he's still interested?
1252
01:11:26,498 --> 01:11:29,497
Yeah, I think so,
but you'd have to find
some way to deliver 'em.
1253
01:11:30,530 --> 01:11:34,596
Set it up.
Set... it... up.
1254
01:11:34,596 --> 01:11:37,162
DICK:
A hundred thousand dollars?
That's right.
1255
01:11:37,162 --> 01:11:41,962
You wanna sell me a lotto
ticket worth $6.4 million
for $100,000?
1256
01:11:41,962 --> 01:11:43,760
Correct.
I want out.
1257
01:11:43,760 --> 01:11:46,894
However, this is
a one-time-only offer, Dick.
One-time-only.
1258
01:11:46,894 --> 01:11:49,327
I want the money,
I want it tonight
at the station.
1259
01:11:49,327 --> 01:11:53,292
If I hear any excuses,
any bullshit comments like,
"I can only get part of it"...
1260
01:11:53,292 --> 01:11:55,159
or "I need more time,"
The deal is off.
1261
01:11:55,159 --> 01:11:57,725
Be reasonable.
It'll take me a couple of days--
Deal's off.
1262
01:11:57,725 --> 01:12:01,358
I'll get it, I'll get it.
Good decision.
1263
01:12:09,389 --> 01:12:12,356
RUSS:
Now, I believe that I have
solved all of our problems.
1264
01:12:12,356 --> 01:12:16,355
CRYSTAL: Really?
What century is this guy in?
Why don't you pass him?
1265
01:12:18,488 --> 01:12:21,354
Put a motor on it,
Jake!
1266
01:12:21,354 --> 01:12:24,387
A year and a half
behind this freak.
1267
01:12:24,387 --> 01:12:28,053
One, I found a buyer
for the snowmobiles,
a guy in Colorado.
1268
01:12:28,053 --> 01:12:31,019
I'm renting a trailer,
and I'm gonna
deliver them myself.
1269
01:12:31,019 --> 01:12:33,619
But why Colorado?
But, uh, uh!
1270
01:12:33,619 --> 01:12:36,751
Number two:
the lotto ticket.
I sold it to Dick.
1271
01:12:36,751 --> 01:12:40,717
Hundred grand cash.
Now it's his problem.
I don't think so.
1272
01:12:40,717 --> 01:12:44,250
Number three,
which is probably
the most important of all,
1273
01:12:44,250 --> 01:12:47,183
I'm leaving tonight
for good.
1274
01:12:47,183 --> 01:12:49,116
Now, questions.
1275
01:12:49,116 --> 01:12:50,782
( tires screech )
1276
01:12:50,782 --> 01:12:54,548
You fucked up
the whole thing!
You screwed it all up!
1277
01:12:54,548 --> 01:12:56,948
Stop it!
You crazy fool!
1278
01:12:56,948 --> 01:12:59,280
God, and I could've got
a car and everything!
1279
01:12:59,280 --> 01:13:01,347
Hey, now listen.
1280
01:13:01,347 --> 01:13:03,379
If I didn't do this,
we would be in jail
1281
01:13:03,379 --> 01:13:05,379
or at the bottom of a river...
1282
01:13:05,379 --> 01:13:07,745
with bricks taped
around our wrists.
( groans )
1283
01:13:07,745 --> 01:13:11,112
And you know it.
Oh, my God.
You're so stupid.
1284
01:13:11,112 --> 01:13:13,178
Oh!
Oh, Crystal.
1285
01:13:13,178 --> 01:13:16,045
We are under surveillance.
Oh, yeah?
1286
01:13:16,045 --> 01:13:19,077
Yes. Last night I stopped by
a convenience store.
1287
01:13:19,077 --> 01:13:24,076
A cop pulled in behind me,
he got out, he followed me in...
1288
01:13:24,076 --> 01:13:27,142
and then he pretended
to get a cup of coffee!
1289
01:13:27,142 --> 01:13:29,142
Did he pretend
to get a doughnut?
1290
01:13:29,142 --> 01:13:31,109
Oh, you know--
You are nuts!
1291
01:13:31,109 --> 01:13:34,641
You need to see
a psychiatrist.
Oh, I'm nuts?
1292
01:13:34,641 --> 01:13:38,907
You can't handle this!
What about this little puppy?
1293
01:13:38,907 --> 01:13:43,473
There's enough mist
in this thing
to save ten masturbators.
1294
01:13:44,573 --> 01:13:47,572
( rock music playing )
1295
01:13:49,205 --> 01:13:52,637
♪ Ain't no big thing
To wait-- ♪♪
1296
01:13:52,637 --> 01:13:54,871
That's an ugly turn of events.
Mm-hmm.
1297
01:13:54,871 --> 01:13:57,770
Mmm! What is this?
( music continues, faint )
1298
01:13:57,770 --> 01:14:00,303
Schnapps?
What, am I in third grade?
1299
01:14:00,303 --> 01:14:01,670
Can I have a drink, please?
1300
01:14:01,670 --> 01:14:03,802
Let's just talk
this through, shall we?
1301
01:14:05,203 --> 01:14:08,668
You're saying that Russ,
in his infinite wisdom,
1302
01:14:08,668 --> 01:14:11,868
Yeah.
Sold the ticket
for a hundred grand.
1303
01:14:11,868 --> 01:14:15,567
Can you believe it?
A $6 million ticket!
1304
01:14:15,567 --> 01:14:19,966
I've got more brains
in my... shoe!
( grunts )
1305
01:14:19,966 --> 01:14:23,432
You know, Russ never really
had the stomach for this
sort of thing, did he?
1306
01:14:23,432 --> 01:14:27,431
Well, I do,
and I want that ticket back,
and I want Dick Simmons dead!
1307
01:14:27,431 --> 01:14:29,797
Do you hear me?
1308
01:14:29,797 --> 01:14:32,330
Fine. Fine.
1309
01:14:32,330 --> 01:14:34,963
Speed dial.
I love it.
1310
01:14:34,963 --> 01:14:38,362
And I want his head cut off
so I can hang it
from my rearview mirror!
1311
01:14:38,362 --> 01:14:40,362
That's just your anger talking.
Yeah.
1312
01:14:40,362 --> 01:14:42,528
Dale. Dale, it's Gig.
1313
01:14:42,528 --> 01:14:44,261
His machine.
Oh.
1314
01:14:44,261 --> 01:14:48,427
Um, see, things have got
a little bit sticky over here.
1315
01:14:48,427 --> 01:14:52,394
Slight change of plans,
nothing that your deft touch
couldn't rectify.
1316
01:14:52,394 --> 01:14:56,193
So either swing by
or just return the call.
That'd be marvelous.
1317
01:14:56,193 --> 01:14:59,126
Thank you.
Great.
1318
01:14:59,126 --> 01:15:02,092
Slight snag though.
What?
1319
01:15:02,092 --> 01:15:07,524
Well, Dale-- bless him--
has been doing favor
after favor for us.
1320
01:15:07,524 --> 01:15:10,857
If it's not one thing,
it's... the other. So--
1321
01:15:10,857 --> 01:15:13,423
So what's your point?
( sighs )
1322
01:15:13,423 --> 01:15:18,522
If he's gets the ticket back
for us, we're gonna have to
give him a little more money.
1323
01:15:18,522 --> 01:15:21,955
No. No way. N-O.
That would only be fair.
1324
01:15:21,955 --> 01:15:24,588
There is a limit
to my classiness.
1325
01:15:25,655 --> 01:15:28,687
Quite obviously.
Shut up!
1326
01:15:28,687 --> 01:15:31,520
I'll handle this.
You just leave dale
out of it.
1327
01:15:31,520 --> 01:15:34,786
Bunch of morons.
I have to do everything
myself!
1328
01:15:48,583 --> 01:15:50,716
Hi.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
1329
01:15:50,716 --> 01:15:53,516
An old face from the past.
What's on your mind, gorgeous?
1330
01:15:53,516 --> 01:15:56,449
Oh, nothin'.
Just wanted to say hello.
Really? That's sweet.
1331
01:15:56,449 --> 01:15:59,648
'Cause the last time
we chatted, I believe you
threatened to kill me.
1332
01:15:59,648 --> 01:16:02,147
Gee, has something changed
since then?
1333
01:16:02,147 --> 01:16:06,547
Well, you really did
outsmart us, didn't you?
Screwed us royally.
1334
01:16:06,547 --> 01:16:09,746
I'm impressed, Dick.
I'm like a lion that way.
1335
01:16:09,746 --> 01:16:12,479
I hide in the weeds,
bide my time,
1336
01:16:12,479 --> 01:16:16,479
then I jump out
and tear the ass off
some dumb buffalo.
1337
01:16:16,479 --> 01:16:18,812
Ooh. So, Mr. Lion,
1338
01:16:18,812 --> 01:16:21,644
how are you gonna
cash in that ticket?
1339
01:16:21,644 --> 01:16:24,644
I'll think of something.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
1340
01:16:24,644 --> 01:16:27,077
Believe me, honey,
I sleep like a baby,
1341
01:16:27,077 --> 01:16:29,476
'cause the second you try
to cash in that little fucker,
1342
01:16:29,476 --> 01:16:32,576
I'm going straight
to the Lottery Commission
and tell them everything.
1343
01:16:32,576 --> 01:16:36,742
If you did that, angel,
I'd rat you out quicker
than a frog can take a piss.
1344
01:16:36,742 --> 01:16:38,674
Mmm.
1345
01:16:46,339 --> 01:16:48,939
What do you want?
Halfsies.
1346
01:16:48,939 --> 01:16:50,806
Half.
1347
01:16:53,971 --> 01:16:57,771
Have you been exercising?
'Cause you look great.
1348
01:17:03,470 --> 01:17:05,603
Deal.
1349
01:17:08,669 --> 01:17:12,435
Nothing like rekindling
an old friendship.
1350
01:17:43,663 --> 01:17:45,796
Hey, that's him.
Wagstaff.
1351
01:17:45,796 --> 01:17:48,961
Wagstaff?
Yes, Wagstaff.
1352
01:17:48,961 --> 01:17:50,761
Are you sure?
1353
01:17:50,761 --> 01:17:52,928
Yeah, light hair, 6'2",
lives at this address.
1354
01:17:52,928 --> 01:17:55,127
You need anything else?
Does he have a record?
1355
01:17:55,127 --> 01:17:57,127
You should read
the report sometime.
1356
01:17:57,127 --> 01:17:58,660
Wagstaff was overheard
1357
01:17:58,660 --> 01:18:00,460
bragging about the bookie's
murder in a bar.
1358
01:18:00,460 --> 01:18:02,592
Oh, what a jerk.
1359
01:18:02,592 --> 01:18:04,992
You know what would
be unfortunate?
1360
01:18:04,992 --> 01:18:08,792
If we got into that whole
let's-follow-him rigmarole.
1361
01:18:08,792 --> 01:18:12,590
( tires screeching )
Oh, perfect.
1362
01:18:22,356 --> 01:18:25,056
( grunting )
1363
01:18:25,056 --> 01:18:28,588
Oh, man!
It's getting cold out, huh?
1364
01:18:28,588 --> 01:18:32,087
I never realized
how heavy these things were.
Yeah, 4-40s, you know.
1365
01:18:32,087 --> 01:18:34,686
K.C.-inducted engines,
twin carbs.
1366
01:18:34,686 --> 01:18:36,586
Just touch that throttle
and boom!
1367
01:18:36,586 --> 01:18:38,819
It's like gettin'
a chick off.
1368
01:18:38,819 --> 01:18:42,485
Jeez, I hope that
wasn't your sales pitch.
Oh, yeah.
1369
01:18:42,485 --> 01:18:44,685
You actually
said that to people?
1370
01:18:44,685 --> 01:18:48,018
Well, you know,
just like biker types.
1371
01:18:48,018 --> 01:18:49,884
Huh.
1372
01:18:52,284 --> 01:18:54,150
Hey, Russ.
1373
01:18:55,450 --> 01:18:57,883
Check it out.
1374
01:19:00,482 --> 01:19:02,282
I don't believe it.
1375
01:19:02,282 --> 01:19:06,581
I thought you called
for partly cloudy
and pleasant tonight.
1376
01:19:06,581 --> 01:19:08,647
A backdoor cold front.
1377
01:19:08,647 --> 01:19:11,147
A what?
A backdoor cold front.
1378
01:19:11,147 --> 01:19:12,580
Rare.
1379
01:19:12,580 --> 01:19:15,513
Almost impossible
to predict.
1380
01:19:15,513 --> 01:19:20,745
The atmosphere--
a beautiful yet fickle
beast she is.
1381
01:19:20,745 --> 01:19:23,111
Is that from
the Evel Knievel play?
1382
01:19:23,111 --> 01:19:24,978
Yup.
1383
01:19:30,710 --> 01:19:33,543
( sighs )
1384
01:19:47,307 --> 01:19:49,874
( engine backfires )
1385
01:19:51,173 --> 01:19:53,839
( backfires )
1386
01:20:08,836 --> 01:20:11,003
CHAMBERS:
Where in the hell
is he going?
1387
01:20:11,003 --> 01:20:12,436
Beats me.
1388
01:20:12,436 --> 01:20:16,102
He's definitely
up to something.
Definitely.
1389
01:20:16,102 --> 01:20:19,601
We should call for backup.
You know, it never hurts.
1390
01:20:19,601 --> 01:20:21,834
You know, backup,
it's like an old friend.
1391
01:20:21,834 --> 01:20:27,833
It's like an old, comfortable
sweatshirt you slip into
on a cold winter's night.
1392
01:20:27,833 --> 01:20:32,066
Are you listening, chambers?
Get your head out
of the clouds!
1393
01:20:44,630 --> 01:20:46,630
Hey.
( moans )
1394
01:20:46,630 --> 01:20:49,429
Hey, wake up.
1395
01:20:49,429 --> 01:20:51,629
Come on. Wake up.
1396
01:20:56,061 --> 01:20:59,494
Fuck it.
( Crystal screams )
1397
01:20:59,494 --> 01:21:01,861
What?
Wake the fuck up!
1398
01:21:01,861 --> 01:21:03,860
What is this?
What do you want?
1399
01:21:03,860 --> 01:21:05,693
You know what I want.
My wallet's in my pants.
1400
01:21:05,693 --> 01:21:07,126
Take the $50 out of my wallet.
1401
01:21:07,126 --> 01:21:09,658
And don't hurt me!
I'm just sleeping over.
1402
01:21:09,658 --> 01:21:11,425
Where's the ticket?
What ticket?
1403
01:21:11,425 --> 01:21:12,759
Gig sent you?
1404
01:21:12,759 --> 01:21:14,592
The fuckin' Tooth Fairy
sent me, Twiggy.
1405
01:21:14,592 --> 01:21:16,524
Who do you think?
Hey, please leave.
1406
01:21:16,524 --> 01:21:18,391
Don't fuckin'
play games with me.
1407
01:21:18,391 --> 01:21:20,190
I'm hopped up on wine coolers
and antidepressants.
1408
01:21:20,190 --> 01:21:21,857
I'm not feelin' good.
Where is it?
1409
01:21:21,857 --> 01:21:23,790
I don't know what
you're talking about.
1410
01:21:23,790 --> 01:21:25,556
You don't know?
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
1411
01:21:25,556 --> 01:21:28,156
Do you like baseball?
What?
1412
01:21:28,156 --> 01:21:30,188
Do you like baseball?
Yes.
1413
01:21:30,188 --> 01:21:32,521
Who's your favorite player?
Ted Williams.
1414
01:21:32,521 --> 01:21:35,854
Ted Williams. Oh, yeah.
He had some swing.
It was sort of like this.
1415
01:21:35,854 --> 01:21:37,687
( both screaming )
1416
01:21:37,687 --> 01:21:40,487
No, hey, hey.
Hold on.
1417
01:21:40,487 --> 01:21:43,053
Just take it easy.
I'm gonna call for backup.
1418
01:21:43,053 --> 01:21:46,552
I'm gonna go around the back.
You cover the front.
No, you're in cowboy mode.
1419
01:21:46,552 --> 01:21:49,551
Stop that!
Wait for backup.
1420
01:21:49,551 --> 01:21:52,551
Oh, shit. Shit.
1421
01:21:52,551 --> 01:21:55,817
Shit!
1422
01:21:55,817 --> 01:21:59,117
Are we speaking
the same language now?
I'm gonna give him the ticket.
1423
01:21:59,117 --> 01:22:01,249
It's not worth it.
Life's too precious.
1424
01:22:01,249 --> 01:22:05,249
Good girl. You see,
that's all I ask for,
a little cooperation.
1425
01:22:05,249 --> 01:22:08,515
Here's your cooperation,
you mongoloid piece of shit!
Aaah! Ooh!
1426
01:22:08,515 --> 01:22:12,247
Oh!
Aah! Aah.
1427
01:22:17,247 --> 01:22:19,346
( door slams )
Police! Freeze!
1428
01:22:19,346 --> 01:22:22,412
Don't shoot! No, no!
There's a raving crazy guy
up there!
1429
01:22:22,412 --> 01:22:25,112
Just go kill him.
1430
01:22:49,475 --> 01:22:51,440
Aah! Ohh!
1431
01:22:51,440 --> 01:22:53,240
Lakewood, I'm hit!
1432
01:22:53,240 --> 01:22:57,272
Huh? Say what?
Don't let him through!
1433
01:23:04,305 --> 01:23:06,372
Aah!
1434
01:23:10,637 --> 01:23:13,004
CRYSTAL:
Somebody!
1435
01:23:14,336 --> 01:23:17,203
Get me a fucking robe!
1436
01:23:34,866 --> 01:23:38,698
Isn't it ironic?
Yeah, ironic.
1437
01:23:38,698 --> 01:23:42,298
Just another word for saying
you're getting screwed.
1438
01:23:42,298 --> 01:23:44,998
But so what, right?
It's all over now anyway.
1439
01:23:44,998 --> 01:23:49,997
In a little while,
bim-bam-boom, I've got this town
in the rearview mirror.
1440
01:23:49,997 --> 01:23:52,396
Hey, take me with you, boss.
What?
1441
01:23:52,396 --> 01:23:55,363
Yeah, a little
Colorado road trip.
No, no, Larry.
1442
01:23:55,363 --> 01:23:57,295
Come on. Let me go.
1443
01:23:57,295 --> 01:24:00,161
I'm practically a fugitive.
I can't take you with me.
1444
01:24:00,161 --> 01:24:03,594
Well, Russ, today, yeah,
1445
01:24:03,594 --> 01:24:06,227
I'm an authorized
Yamaha sales associate,
1446
01:24:06,227 --> 01:24:08,560
but tomorrow
I'm just another guy...
1447
01:24:08,560 --> 01:24:12,193
boxing Peanut Butter Cups
at Hershey.
1448
01:24:12,193 --> 01:24:14,625
Come on, Russ.
I have faith in you, man.
1449
01:24:14,625 --> 01:24:17,725
Really? You would
just drop everything
to come with me?
1450
01:24:17,725 --> 01:24:19,825
Yeah, let the word
go forth--
1451
01:24:19,825 --> 01:24:23,857
the Russ Richards freight train
is about to leave the station.
1452
01:24:23,857 --> 01:24:26,323
New horizons,
new conquests.
1453
01:24:26,323 --> 01:24:29,756
Ready to kick some new ass.
Bob Barker, watch out.
1454
01:24:29,756 --> 01:24:31,889
Russ Richards
is headin' west.
1455
01:24:31,889 --> 01:24:34,422
Now let's see what's
behind door number three.
Whoo-hoo!
1456
01:24:36,989 --> 01:24:41,254
♪ You brought me fame
And fortune and everything
That goes with it ♪
1457
01:24:41,254 --> 01:24:43,253
♪ I thank you all ♪
1458
01:24:43,253 --> 01:24:46,486
Come on.
♪ This will be
No bed of roses ♪
1459
01:24:46,486 --> 01:24:48,720
All right, I'll take
the first eight hours.
1460
01:24:48,720 --> 01:24:52,952
You ever driven
one of these things?
Nope.
1461
01:24:52,952 --> 01:24:56,684
♪ I consider it a challenge
Before the whole human race
And I never lose ♪
1462
01:24:56,684 --> 01:24:58,684
All right.
Here we go.
1463
01:24:58,684 --> 01:25:03,383
Hey. Yeah, baby.
( laughing )
1464
01:25:03,383 --> 01:25:06,583
♪ We are the champions ♪
1465
01:25:06,583 --> 01:25:08,849
♪ My friends ♪
1466
01:25:10,315 --> 01:25:13,082
♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪
1467
01:25:13,082 --> 01:25:15,381
♪ Till the end ♪
1468
01:25:15,381 --> 01:25:18,047
Damn the torpedoes!
Full speed ahead!
1469
01:25:18,047 --> 01:25:21,980
Whoo!
♪ We are the champions ♪
1470
01:25:21,980 --> 01:25:25,813
♪ We are the champions ♪
1471
01:25:25,813 --> 01:25:29,212
♪ No time for losers ♪
1472
01:25:29,212 --> 01:25:32,611
♪ 'Cause we are
The champions ♪♪
1473
01:25:32,611 --> 01:25:36,144
So far, so good. Let's go.
( gear shifts )
1474
01:26:12,837 --> 01:26:16,503
( loud crashing )
1475
01:26:18,570 --> 01:26:20,370
I'm not gonna look.
1476
01:26:20,370 --> 01:26:22,936
I think that's a good idea.
Yup.
1477
01:26:26,935 --> 01:26:29,001
( chattering )
1478
01:26:33,133 --> 01:26:35,567
Easy, easy.
I got it.
1479
01:26:35,567 --> 01:26:38,399
Let's get him up.
1480
01:26:38,399 --> 01:26:40,599
Dick, where's the ticket?
( moans )
1481
01:26:40,599 --> 01:26:43,932
Answer me.
He can't answer you, ma'am.
He's been sedated.
1482
01:26:43,932 --> 01:26:46,965
Why did you do that? Oh!
1483
01:26:49,597 --> 01:26:51,464
Fuck.
1484
01:26:55,730 --> 01:26:57,663
Here.
1485
01:26:57,663 --> 01:26:59,595
Oh.
1486
01:27:05,361 --> 01:27:09,827
Thank you.
That was, uh, very brave
tonight, ma'am.
1487
01:27:09,827 --> 01:27:13,493
Yeah.
He was an animal
with an intent to kill.
1488
01:27:13,493 --> 01:27:17,459
No shit, the fucking creep.
Oops. Excuse my French.
1489
01:27:20,558 --> 01:27:23,991
Um, can I give you a lift...
1490
01:27:23,991 --> 01:27:26,924
to the hospital?
1491
01:27:26,924 --> 01:27:29,290
Why? I'm fine.
1492
01:27:29,290 --> 01:27:32,123
No, I meant, to be
with Mr. Simmons.
1493
01:27:32,123 --> 01:27:34,289
Oh, right. Yeah.
1494
01:27:34,289 --> 01:27:40,088
You know, it's kinda late,
and I have a lot of stuff
to do in the morning, early.
1495
01:27:40,088 --> 01:27:42,888
Stuff.
Mm-hmm.
1496
01:27:42,888 --> 01:27:47,687
Well, we might need
some more information,
and, uh,
1497
01:27:47,687 --> 01:27:49,420
uh, I might call you.
1498
01:27:49,420 --> 01:27:53,153
I'm available.
1499
01:27:53,153 --> 01:27:56,886
Fantastic.
Okay. Can I go now?
1500
01:27:56,886 --> 01:27:59,452
Sure.
Thank you.
1501
01:28:02,484 --> 01:28:04,984
MAN:
Get him out of here.
1502
01:28:07,483 --> 01:28:09,417
Hey, Chambers.
1503
01:28:09,417 --> 01:28:11,649
All right,
hang on just a second.
1504
01:28:11,649 --> 01:28:13,982
( loudly ): How you feeling,
partner?
1505
01:28:13,982 --> 01:28:17,548
I'd feel a lot better
if I could get to the hospital.
Could you make this quick?
1506
01:28:17,548 --> 01:28:20,747
We're all gonna pull you
through this, all right?
1507
01:28:20,747 --> 01:28:22,914
Positive attitude--
that's everything.
1508
01:28:22,914 --> 01:28:25,947
Hey, pal,
he got shot in the leg.
I think he'll be fine.
1509
01:28:25,947 --> 01:28:29,179
Let's hope so.
Be careful with him!
1510
01:28:29,179 --> 01:28:31,246
LARRY:
What are you doing?
1511
01:28:31,246 --> 01:28:35,645
I'm trying to
disconnect this trailer
so we can get out of here.
1512
01:28:37,145 --> 01:28:39,145
( radio buzzes )
1513
01:28:39,145 --> 01:28:41,311
FEMALE DISPATCHER:
Base to car six.
1514
01:28:41,311 --> 01:28:44,710
( groans ):
What?
1515
01:28:44,710 --> 01:28:48,709
We've got a jackknifed
tractor-trailer at Route 22
in Devonshire.
1516
01:28:48,709 --> 01:28:51,943
You're about a mile away.
( sighs )
1517
01:28:51,943 --> 01:28:56,708
Great. Now I got
another 20,000 forms
to fill out.
1518
01:29:00,007 --> 01:29:03,440
( grunting ):
Why do they make these things
out of metal?
1519
01:29:03,440 --> 01:29:05,839
Uh, I think it's twisted.
1520
01:29:05,839 --> 01:29:07,639
No, it's coming.
It's coming!
1521
01:29:07,639 --> 01:29:10,539
Oh, I don't know, Russ.
It's coming!
1522
01:29:10,539 --> 01:29:14,305
Shit! Fuck!
1523
01:29:14,305 --> 01:29:16,471
Why-- Why the hell
is it snowing now?
1524
01:29:16,471 --> 01:29:19,804
Why the fuck
is it snowing now?
Fuck! Fuck!
1525
01:29:19,804 --> 01:29:22,203
( siren wailing )
Uh-oh.
1526
01:29:22,203 --> 01:29:25,569
Don't say a word without
your lawyer, even if they
beat the crap out of you.
1527
01:29:25,569 --> 01:29:28,136
Not tonight. Nobody's beating
the crap out of me.
1528
01:29:28,136 --> 01:29:31,101
You get out of here.
I don't want you
mixed up in this.
1529
01:29:31,101 --> 01:29:33,601
If I go to jail,
I'm goin' alone.
Wait!
1530
01:29:33,601 --> 01:29:36,701
Your money's
in your briefcase!
1531
01:29:39,367 --> 01:29:43,500
No, Russ, don't do it!
Don't take that sled.
It's a piece of shit.
1532
01:29:43,500 --> 01:29:46,899
Take the 4-40!
Excellent power-to-weight
ratio.
1533
01:29:46,899 --> 01:29:49,198
What?
Two-year unlimited
service warranty!
1534
01:29:49,198 --> 01:29:53,164
A fix-it-yourself onboard
tool kit in the backseat!
Okay! Fine!
1535
01:29:53,164 --> 01:29:55,464
This beauty
is built for you!
1536
01:29:55,464 --> 01:29:57,363
Hand warmers, halogen lights,
special all-track suspension!
1537
01:29:57,363 --> 01:29:59,163
Shut your trap. I got it!
1538
01:29:59,163 --> 01:30:01,030
Don't pull the choke.
The lines are dry.
1539
01:30:01,030 --> 01:30:03,930
No, don't flood it.
You said don't pull the choke.
1540
01:30:03,930 --> 01:30:07,095
Finesse it, don't flood it.
It's like getting a chick off.
We went over this!
1541
01:30:07,095 --> 01:30:10,295
( engine revving )
All right, you fellas.
1542
01:30:10,295 --> 01:30:13,761
It looks like you're in need
of some assistance.
1543
01:30:17,427 --> 01:30:20,060
Get back!
Huh?
1544
01:30:20,060 --> 01:30:23,293
Back off!
Huh?
1545
01:30:23,293 --> 01:30:26,558
I said back off,
motherfucker!
1546
01:30:26,558 --> 01:30:29,758
Hey. Hey!
1547
01:30:29,758 --> 01:30:31,791
Ho! Oh, man!
1548
01:30:31,791 --> 01:30:34,124
Give me the case.
1549
01:30:35,057 --> 01:30:37,590
Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
1550
01:30:38,923 --> 01:30:41,722
Whoa!
1551
01:30:41,722 --> 01:30:44,656
Hail Yamaha.
1552
01:30:44,656 --> 01:30:47,421
Ah, Jesus Christ!
1553
01:30:47,421 --> 01:30:49,887
This night never ends.
1554
01:30:49,887 --> 01:30:51,654
( grunts )
1555
01:30:51,654 --> 01:30:55,753
( siren wailing )
1556
01:30:57,519 --> 01:31:00,319
♪ Let me loose
I just got back ♪
1557
01:31:00,319 --> 01:31:03,185
♪ I was pushed
And I got dragged ♪
Okay, kids!
1558
01:31:03,185 --> 01:31:05,918
Now it's time to play
the snowmobile game,
1559
01:31:05,918 --> 01:31:08,417
with your host,
Russ Richards!
1560
01:31:08,417 --> 01:31:11,584
♪ Destination anywhere ♪
1561
01:31:11,584 --> 01:31:14,284
♪ So far gone
I'm almost there ♪
1562
01:31:14,284 --> 01:31:16,850
♪ Can't you see
I can't deny ♪
1563
01:31:16,850 --> 01:31:19,383
♪ I'm outta here
Like I'm on fire ♪
1564
01:31:19,383 --> 01:31:22,981
Yeah! Whoa!
♪ Livin' like a caged-up
Animal, criminal ♪
1565
01:31:22,981 --> 01:31:24,781
♪ Television newsman
So subliminal ♪
Whoa!
1566
01:31:24,781 --> 01:31:28,514
♪ Bringing down the walls
Of wonderland ♪
1567
01:31:28,514 --> 01:31:31,014
Ohh!
1568
01:31:31,014 --> 01:31:34,779
♪ Just another highbrow cowboy
Tellin' me everything
And everyone ♪
1569
01:31:34,779 --> 01:31:36,879
♪ And all the things
I oughta be ♪
1570
01:31:36,879 --> 01:31:41,379
♪ Here I am
Your demolition man ♪♪
Oh, jeez! Aaah!
1571
01:31:43,578 --> 01:31:45,777
WOMAN:
Russ? Russ.
1572
01:31:45,777 --> 01:31:47,044
Russ.
No.
1573
01:31:47,044 --> 01:31:48,977
Russ.
No.
1574
01:31:48,977 --> 01:31:51,010
Russ!
Oh, my God.
1575
01:31:51,010 --> 01:31:54,542
How you feelin'?
1576
01:31:54,542 --> 01:31:56,542
Oh, you got pretty
banged up there.
That's beautiful.
1577
01:31:56,542 --> 01:31:58,209
We figured you'd be up
in a minute.
1578
01:31:58,209 --> 01:32:00,508
You were singing
"My Way" In your sleep.
1579
01:32:00,508 --> 01:32:04,507
You are so funny.
You're as funny in a coma
as you are on TV.
1580
01:32:04,507 --> 01:32:07,773
I can't believe I'm alive.
One more.
1581
01:32:07,773 --> 01:32:10,706
You get it?
Okay, you have a visitor
outside.
1582
01:32:10,706 --> 01:32:13,506
I'm gonna get your dinner,
and I'll be back in a minute,
okay?
1583
01:32:13,506 --> 01:32:16,405
Okay. Bye.
Yeah?
1584
01:32:16,405 --> 01:32:20,372
Okay, bye-bye.
Bye.
1585
01:32:20,372 --> 01:32:24,271
Please don't upset him.
I'm not gonna do anything
to upset him.
1586
01:32:24,271 --> 01:32:26,870
You're in big trouble,
mister.
1587
01:32:26,870 --> 01:32:29,436
No. Oh, god.
Yup.
1588
01:32:29,436 --> 01:32:31,702
You're gonna
have to pay for it.
I told them, officer.
1589
01:32:31,702 --> 01:32:36,501
I said it was a stupid idea
right from the start,
but nobody listened to me.
1590
01:32:36,501 --> 01:32:39,835
That's good. Remorse.
Nice candy.
1591
01:32:39,835 --> 01:32:44,267
'Cause, for starters,
we're looking at
three big ones.
1592
01:32:44,267 --> 01:32:47,166
Oh, god! Three big--
Three years?
1593
01:32:47,166 --> 01:32:49,966
Three hundred dollars.
1594
01:32:49,966 --> 01:32:52,132
What?
1595
01:32:52,132 --> 01:32:53,932
For the windshield.
1596
01:32:53,932 --> 01:32:59,497
Plus, there's this
little baby right here.
1597
01:32:59,497 --> 01:33:04,297
You'll have to put that
together with Scotch Tape,
but it still counts.
1598
01:33:04,297 --> 01:33:06,930
This-- This is a ticket.
Yeah.
1599
01:33:06,930 --> 01:33:11,695
For operating a class-two
vehicle without a license.
Weight class two.
1600
01:33:11,695 --> 01:33:15,195
Officer, can't this wait?
Mr. Richards is suffering
from a mild concussion.
1601
01:33:15,195 --> 01:33:18,294
We're talking.
It's not even filled out.
There's nothin' on it.
1602
01:33:18,294 --> 01:33:21,227
My pen ran out of ink.
1603
01:33:21,227 --> 01:33:23,226
Officer,
I really must insist.
1604
01:33:23,226 --> 01:33:27,293
From doing paperwork
all night, between you
and saving your boss' ass.
1605
01:33:27,293 --> 01:33:30,092
My boss?
Dick Simmons.
1606
01:33:30,092 --> 01:33:33,458
He's right down the hall here.
Wh-why is he here?
1607
01:33:33,458 --> 01:33:35,758
Some thug broke
into his house.
1608
01:33:35,758 --> 01:33:38,490
And broke both his legs
with a baseball bat.
Officer, please.
1609
01:33:38,490 --> 01:33:41,590
Boom.
Was it--
Was it Dale the thug?
1610
01:33:41,590 --> 01:33:44,456
Well, I don't know.
Some jerk with a plaid shirt.
1611
01:33:44,456 --> 01:33:47,289
But don't worry.
( imitating gunfire )
1612
01:33:47,289 --> 01:33:49,322
I killed him.
1613
01:33:49,322 --> 01:33:52,388
Oh, jeez, that's just--
1614
01:33:52,388 --> 01:33:54,921
Come on. Thank you.
( crowd clamoring )
1615
01:33:54,921 --> 01:33:56,587
Back, back, back, back!
1616
01:33:56,587 --> 01:34:00,087
Scoot! Scoot!
Yes!
1617
01:34:00,087 --> 01:34:03,486
( stifled chuckling ):
I can't stand it. Yes!
1618
01:34:27,048 --> 01:34:28,915
( loud clattering )
1619
01:34:28,915 --> 01:34:30,914
What?
1620
01:34:30,914 --> 01:34:34,280
( blubbering )
1621
01:34:34,280 --> 01:34:36,180
Dick, I'm back.
1622
01:34:36,180 --> 01:34:39,046
This is the lightning round.
I'm calling the shots now.
1623
01:34:39,046 --> 01:34:42,279
Quiet, I'm trying to ski.
Look, I got your money.
1624
01:34:42,279 --> 01:34:45,212
I'm gonna give it back,
but I need the ticket.
Where's the ticket?
1625
01:34:45,212 --> 01:34:47,011
It's my show--
1626
01:34:47,011 --> 01:34:50,878
Okay, this is the plan.
I'm docking you
for being an asshole.
1627
01:34:50,878 --> 01:34:53,877
And I'm docking Gig
for having people killed.
1628
01:34:53,877 --> 01:34:57,043
And I'm docking Crystal
for being a twisted,
psycho bitch!
1629
01:34:57,043 --> 01:35:00,042
Starting today, I decide
where the money goes.
1630
01:35:00,042 --> 01:35:04,275
If anyone doesn't like it,
we're all going to jail.
( blubbering )
1631
01:35:04,275 --> 01:35:06,308
( gasps )
Give me that ticket.
1632
01:35:06,308 --> 01:35:09,507
Where is it?
Where is the ticket?
1633
01:35:09,507 --> 01:35:12,540
I-- I gave it
to Larry King.
1634
01:35:15,373 --> 01:35:18,505
Uh, no--
1635
01:35:18,505 --> 01:35:20,539
Don't you care
to share your toys?
1636
01:35:37,569 --> 01:35:39,369
DAN:
The search is over.
1637
01:35:39,369 --> 01:35:43,535
The winner of last month's
$6.4 million lottery jackpot...
1638
01:35:43,535 --> 01:35:45,701
has finally stepped forward.
1639
01:35:45,701 --> 01:35:50,234
She's a waitress
at a local Denny's
right here in Harrisburg.
1640
01:35:50,234 --> 01:35:54,499
Pennsylvania's
newest multimillionaire
is Wendy Fawcett.
1641
01:35:54,499 --> 01:35:58,398
Thank you so much!
I don't know what to say.
1642
01:35:58,398 --> 01:36:01,198
I've never won anything
before in my life.
1643
01:36:01,198 --> 01:36:03,497
WOMAN:
Wendy, what are you
gonna do with the money?
1644
01:36:03,497 --> 01:36:07,864
I'm going to
put some of it in savings
and some of it in checking.
1645
01:36:07,864 --> 01:36:11,662
And the rest I'll be sharing
with a good friend.
1646
01:36:11,662 --> 01:36:17,229
And who's that?
I'm not telling you!
( cackling )
1647
01:36:17,229 --> 01:36:20,661
And we're giving a lot of it
away to the Big Brothers,
1648
01:36:20,661 --> 01:36:23,894
the Sunshiny Day Club,
Asthma--
1649
01:36:23,894 --> 01:36:26,893
MAN: Do you have asthma?
No.
1650
01:36:26,893 --> 01:36:30,193
But many people out there do.
1651
01:36:30,193 --> 01:36:32,892
Wendy, how did you pick
the numbers you played?
1652
01:36:32,892 --> 01:36:34,125
How did I what?
1653
01:36:34,125 --> 01:36:36,725
How did you choose
the winning numbers?
1654
01:36:36,725 --> 01:36:39,458
Oh, I get
what you're saying.
1655
01:36:39,458 --> 01:36:44,023
I-- Okay, I get it,
I get it! Um, wow.
1656
01:36:44,023 --> 01:36:45,623
Uh, let's see, uh,
1657
01:36:45,623 --> 01:36:49,822
seventy--
seventy is because...
1658
01:36:49,822 --> 01:36:53,188
a cheeseburger deluxe
with bacon...
1659
01:36:53,188 --> 01:36:56,455
is 70 cents extra.
1660
01:36:56,455 --> 01:36:58,888
And, um, 16--
1661
01:36:58,888 --> 01:37:02,954
when I was 16,
I went to a party.
1662
01:37:02,954 --> 01:37:05,953
And, uh, nine--
1663
01:37:05,953 --> 01:37:09,552
well, nine, we all know,
is just lucky.
1664
01:37:13,484 --> 01:37:15,685
Oh, man. And, um,
1665
01:37:15,685 --> 01:37:19,284
seven is--
I have seven Barbies,
1666
01:37:19,284 --> 01:37:22,450
not including the ones that
got their face chewed off...
1667
01:37:22,450 --> 01:37:28,316
by the next door neighbor's dog,
who's just such a great dog.
1668
01:37:28,316 --> 01:37:31,548
RUSS ( narrating ):
So there you have it-- a story
to tell your grandchildren.
1669
01:37:31,548 --> 01:37:33,748
Well, maybe not.
1670
01:37:33,748 --> 01:37:36,248
Dick Simmons was fired
from WTPA...
1671
01:37:36,248 --> 01:37:40,180
after calling the head
of the network "the luckiest
asshole on the planet."
1672
01:37:40,180 --> 01:37:43,780
He now teaches communications
at Pocono Community College.
1673
01:37:43,780 --> 01:37:47,712
Ethics.
1674
01:37:47,712 --> 01:37:51,911
Crystal married and divorced
a sickly 80-year-old
millionaire...
1675
01:37:51,911 --> 01:37:53,911
and sued him
for half his money.
1676
01:37:53,911 --> 01:37:56,411
She testified
he was a svengali,
1677
01:37:56,411 --> 01:38:00,677
a word she mispronounced
throughout the trial.
1678
01:38:00,677 --> 01:38:04,542
He was like--
like this "Svenjelly."
1679
01:38:04,542 --> 01:38:06,342
RUSS:
She lost the case.
1680
01:38:06,342 --> 01:38:08,442
♪ You're making
My dreams come true ♪
Ten.
1681
01:38:08,442 --> 01:38:11,408
She now works at Gig's
five nights a week.
Seventy-eight!
1682
01:38:11,408 --> 01:38:14,607
No cover charge,
free buffalo wings with coupon.
1683
01:38:14,607 --> 01:38:20,406
Thirty-nine!
Gig bought an obscure stock
called Microsoft in 1990.
1684
01:38:20,406 --> 01:38:24,606
He now divides his time
between Harrisburg
and his estate in Monaco.
1685
01:38:24,606 --> 01:38:27,105
♪ Listen to this ♪
1686
01:38:27,105 --> 01:38:30,238
♪ I've done
All my daydreamin' ♪
1687
01:38:30,238 --> 01:38:32,370
♪ Oh, that sleep walk
Should be over by now ♪
1688
01:38:32,370 --> 01:38:35,736
As for me, I moved
to St. Augustine, Florida,
1689
01:38:35,736 --> 01:38:37,770
where it hasn't snowed
in 50 years.
1690
01:38:37,770 --> 01:38:40,136
( engine starts )
And you know what?
1691
01:38:40,136 --> 01:38:42,869
I auditioned,
and I was back on TV.
1692
01:38:42,869 --> 01:38:46,068
MALE ANNOUNCER:
And now, it's time to play
North Florida Cable's...
1693
01:38:46,068 --> 01:38:49,001
second-most popular game show,
Lucky Numbers,
1694
01:38:49,001 --> 01:38:51,701
with your host,
Russ Richards.
1695
01:38:51,701 --> 01:38:53,533
Hey! How are ya?
( audience cheering )
1696
01:38:53,533 --> 01:38:56,533
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
1697
01:38:56,533 --> 01:38:59,999
Hey. What
a great-looking audience.
1698
01:38:59,999 --> 01:39:02,132
My goodness,
I'd love to take you home
with me tonight.
1699
01:39:02,132 --> 01:39:05,232
How 'bout it?
Tonight, after the show?
1700
01:39:05,232 --> 01:39:07,765
Dinner for 250?
Okay.
1701
01:39:07,765 --> 01:39:10,997
I'll make the margaritas.
All right now.
1702
01:39:10,997 --> 01:39:13,996
( narrating ):
You know, sometimes I walk
past an appliance store...
1703
01:39:13,996 --> 01:39:18,429
and there are 45 TV sets
in the window,
and I'm on every one of 'em.
1704
01:39:18,429 --> 01:39:21,728
At times like that,
I say to myself, "Why me?"
1705
01:39:21,728 --> 01:39:24,328
I mean, "Why me?"
1706
01:39:24,328 --> 01:39:27,195
If I had to answer
the question, I'd have
to say, "Just lucky."
1707
01:39:27,195 --> 01:39:32,827
♪ You're making my dreams
Come true, doo-ooh, doo-doo
Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪♪
1708
01:39:35,826 --> 01:39:37,992
( rock music playing )
1709
01:39:54,390 --> 01:39:56,823
♪ Nights were warm ♪
1710
01:39:56,823 --> 01:39:59,055
♪ Dreams were easy ♪
1711
01:39:59,055 --> 01:40:01,688
♪ No one standin' ♪
1712
01:40:01,688 --> 01:40:03,954
♪ Overhead ♪
1713
01:40:03,954 --> 01:40:06,687
♪ Conversation ♪
1714
01:40:06,687 --> 01:40:08,620
♪ Didn't mean much ♪
1715
01:40:08,620 --> 01:40:13,820
♪ We were hungry
But we could not be fed ♪
1716
01:40:13,820 --> 01:40:16,052
♪ Radio blastin' ♪
1717
01:40:16,052 --> 01:40:19,018
♪ Silly little love songs ♪
1718
01:40:19,018 --> 01:40:23,517
♪ We only listened
For the beat ♪
1719
01:40:23,517 --> 01:40:25,950
♪ Takin' our chances ♪
1720
01:40:25,950 --> 01:40:28,950
♪ Out there
On the mean streets ♪
1721
01:40:28,950 --> 01:40:32,082
♪ Hiding in the shadows
From the heat ♪
1722
01:40:35,515 --> 01:40:37,582
♪ From the heat ♪
1723
01:40:40,347 --> 01:40:42,680
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
1724
01:40:42,680 --> 01:40:45,014
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
1725
01:40:45,014 --> 01:40:49,879
♪ As we fought and we tumbled
Through the night ♪
1726
01:40:49,879 --> 01:40:52,312
♪ We were players ♪
1727
01:40:52,312 --> 01:40:54,512
♪ Not arrangers ♪
1728
01:40:54,512 --> 01:40:59,244
♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪
1729
01:40:59,244 --> 01:41:01,977
♪ Swimming in the big lake ♪
1730
01:41:01,977 --> 01:41:04,976
♪ Taking it easy ♪
1731
01:41:04,976 --> 01:41:09,109
♪ Taking any comfort
We could find ♪
1732
01:41:09,109 --> 01:41:11,642
♪ Didn't need the real truth ♪
1733
01:41:11,642 --> 01:41:14,441
♪ Didn't need the meaning ♪
1734
01:41:14,441 --> 01:41:18,974
♪ Straight ahead
Ignoring every sign ♪
1735
01:41:21,307 --> 01:41:23,174
♪ Every sign ♪
1736
01:41:27,906 --> 01:41:30,138
♪ And, oh, I remember ♪
1737
01:41:32,671 --> 01:41:35,105
♪ I know you do too ♪
1738
01:41:37,671 --> 01:41:40,104
♪ Oh, that one evening ♪
1739
01:41:42,403 --> 01:41:47,702
♪ I know you do too ♪
1740
01:41:53,568 --> 01:41:55,334
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
1741
01:41:55,334 --> 01:41:58,933
CHORUS:
♪ The moon flyin' high ♪
1742
01:41:58,933 --> 01:42:02,966
♪ And you took my hand ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
1743
01:42:02,966 --> 01:42:06,598
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
1744
01:42:06,598 --> 01:42:10,831
♪ You took my hand ♪
1745
01:42:10,831 --> 01:42:14,230
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
1746
01:42:14,230 --> 01:42:17,297
♪ And it went all right ♪
1747
01:42:18,496 --> 01:42:22,429
♪ It went all right ♪
1748
01:42:22,429 --> 01:42:26,095
♪ It went all right ♪
1749
01:42:26,095 --> 01:42:30,162
♪ It went all right ♪
1750
01:42:35,460 --> 01:42:37,326
♪ Oh ♪
1751
01:42:40,059 --> 01:42:42,793
♪ So we walked out ♪
1752
01:42:42,793 --> 01:42:45,092
♪ Hardly speaking ♪
1753
01:42:45,092 --> 01:42:47,591
♪ Disappearing ♪
1754
01:42:47,591 --> 01:42:50,124
♪ In the night ♪
1755
01:42:50,124 --> 01:42:51,991
♪ Saw each other ♪
1756
01:42:51,991 --> 01:42:54,590
♪ A few times after ♪
1757
01:42:54,590 --> 01:42:58,289
♪ But we never
Really got it right ♪
1758
01:42:59,656 --> 01:43:01,989
♪ We weren't lovers ♪
1759
01:43:01,989 --> 01:43:04,622
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
1760
01:43:04,622 --> 01:43:08,221
♪ As we rolled and we tumbled
Through the night ♪
1761
01:43:09,220 --> 01:43:11,820
♪ We were players ♪
1762
01:43:11,820 --> 01:43:14,287
♪ Not arrangers ♪
1763
01:43:14,287 --> 01:43:18,186
♪ And we jammed
Till the dawn's early light ♪
1764
01:43:19,786 --> 01:43:23,051
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Early light ♪
1765
01:43:24,618 --> 01:43:29,184
♪ Just brave strangers ♪
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1766
01:43:31,117 --> 01:43:33,849
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1767
01:43:35,916 --> 01:43:38,349
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1768
01:43:38,349 --> 01:43:40,581
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
1769
01:43:40,581 --> 01:43:45,014
♪ Whoa-oh ♪
1770
01:43:45,014 --> 01:43:47,081
♪ Yeah ♪♪
1771
01:43:50,347 --> 01:44:02,577
♪♪♪
1772
01:44:02,577 --> 01:44:05,244
♪ I can't wait
To go to heaven ♪
1773
01:44:05,244 --> 01:44:08,777
♪ Before I get my big reward ♪
1774
01:44:08,777 --> 01:44:10,943
♪ If I'm good I could ♪
1775
01:44:10,943 --> 01:44:17,308
♪ That's what they tell me
I've been workin' for ♪
1776
01:44:17,308 --> 01:44:20,075
♪ When I prove
That I can do it ♪
1777
01:44:20,075 --> 01:44:23,274
♪ That's when I'll get
My big reward ♪
1778
01:44:23,274 --> 01:44:26,141
♪ Keep that big wheel turnin' ♪
1779
01:44:26,141 --> 01:44:30,340
♪ And my number
Will come up for sure ♪
1780
01:44:30,340 --> 01:44:33,205
♪ I'm gonna get
My big reward ♪
1781
01:44:33,205 --> 01:44:36,038
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
1782
01:44:36,038 --> 01:44:39,371
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
1783
01:44:39,371 --> 01:44:42,238
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
1784
01:44:42,238 --> 01:44:45,103
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1785
01:44:45,103 --> 01:44:48,137
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1786
01:44:48,137 --> 01:44:51,702
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1787
01:44:51,702 --> 01:44:53,769
♪ Right now ♪
1788
01:44:55,368 --> 01:44:58,101
♪ Never mind
The odds against us ♪
1789
01:44:58,101 --> 01:45:01,334
♪ I won't give up
My big reward ♪
1790
01:45:01,334 --> 01:45:04,167
♪ We have to take our chances ♪
1791
01:45:04,167 --> 01:45:08,799
♪ We got a plan
And we can make a score ♪
1792
01:45:08,799 --> 01:45:11,732
♪ I'm gonna get my big reward ♪
1793
01:45:11,732 --> 01:45:14,432
♪ Wanna get my big reward ♪
1794
01:45:14,432 --> 01:45:17,898
♪ Wanna have it all sewn up ♪
1795
01:45:17,898 --> 01:45:20,297
♪ Before I'm all grown up ♪
1796
01:45:20,297 --> 01:45:23,296
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1797
01:45:23,296 --> 01:45:27,130
♪ Gonna get my big reward ♪
1798
01:45:27,130 --> 01:45:29,362
♪ Right now ♪♪
145413
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.