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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,399 ♪ At Home ♪ Home 2 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,079 ♪ Alone ♪ Alone 3 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,680 ♪ Together. ♪ 4 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:09,599 (POOL BALLS CLACK) 5 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,839 Hello, I'm Ray Martin. 6 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,519 Welcome to At Home Alone Together - An Extra Dose. 7 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,039 You know, I really thought that I was done with this damn show. 8 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,319 But apparently, someone thought it was a good idea to cobble together 9 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:23,519 all the leftover bits that Ita didn't want to see in prime time. 10 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,439 Bits such as this one. 11 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,719 Now that half the country's lost their jobs, 12 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,079 people are writing me letters, asking for advice, 13 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,239 like this chap, Justin, who writes, 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,199 "Dear Nate, I've lost everything due to COVID-19. 15 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,839 "I'm afraid. I'm struggling. 16 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,759 "I miss being able to go on holidays. 17 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,559 "Can you give me some tips?" 18 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,440 Justin, I can take you on a holiday without even leaving the house. 19 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:47,999 I arrived at Justin's house, 20 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,319 taking all the necessary precautions, of course. 21 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,719 Ahh! Oh! 22 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,159 So, Justin, you excited for your European holiday? 23 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:57,839 What was in that spray bottle? 24 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,719 That's a mystery for another day. 25 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,200 Now, let's get started. 26 00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,359 Step one is to sit strapped in a chair for around 36 hours. 27 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,439 This simulates the travel time. 28 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,559 I'm feeding Justin microwave meals to replicate the airline food, 29 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,720 whilst obviously maintaining a COVID-safe distance. 30 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,799 (AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARS) 31 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:27,999 Buongiorno! 32 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,359 Welcome to Europe. 33 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,239 It's time to immerse yourself in European culture. 34 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,679 Cuisine. 35 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,680 Pornos. 36 00:01:34,681 --> 00:01:36,119 Hitler wig and moustache. 37 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,399 That Spanish tomato-throwing festival. 38 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,879 The running of the bulls. 39 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,200 Andale! Andale! Arriba! 40 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,159 Picked him up cheap from the put-down shelter. 41 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,880 They said he was too aggressive. I reckon he's alright. 42 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,919 Now it's time for a trip to wine country. 43 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,600 Have a suck of that one, mate. 44 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,479 Ohh! What is in that? 45 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,559 It's me very own counterfeit wine. 46 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,399 It's just Ribena mixed with paint thinner. 47 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,719 (COUGHS) 48 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,639 And no European vacation is complete 49 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,520 without a little historical re-enactment. 50 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,079 Sadly, every vacation must come to an end. 51 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,919 But even on the plane ride home, 52 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,679 there's still room to add a little bit of excitement. 53 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,999 (ALARMS BLARE) Brace! Brace! Brace! Brace! 54 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,400 We're going in the water! We're going in the water! 55 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,759 (SCREAMS) 56 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,399 And that's how to have your very own European holiday for next to nothing. 57 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:33,999 Coming up next, I teach you 58 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,399 how to make counterfeit sushi using seafood extender and kitty litter. 59 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,439 (SPLUTTERS) 60 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,959 While quarantine has been stressful for humans, 61 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,759 the same can't be said for our pets. 62 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,239 They've had it better than ever. 63 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,079 We're around all the time, extra walks, 64 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,199 not to mention all those extra lip kisses. 65 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,399 Mwah! 66 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,639 But are they getting a little too big for their paws? 67 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,879 Now, remaining pack leader is vital when it comes to dogs. 68 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,999 I'm going to show you my tips 69 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,599 on how to maintain dominance over your dog. 70 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,920 Let's go. 71 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,559 It's great to praise your dog, but we don't want them getting an ego 72 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,959 and thinking that they are the leader. 73 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,879 A simple way to dominate is to remind them of this 74 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,999 by showing them photos of much better boys and girls. 75 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,919 She acts as someone's literal eyes. 76 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,520 When have you ever done that? 77 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,679 Inspector Rex. 78 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:24,879 Famous. 79 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,159 Fights crime. 80 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,439 Speaks German. 81 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,879 A way better boy. 82 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,519 He gets the idea. 83 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:31,919 It's as simple as that. 84 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,559 The best way to control someone is through humiliation and shame. 85 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,679 The best way to make someone feel shame - 86 00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,799 by getting them cancelled online. 87 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,599 That's why, instead of posting cute photos, 88 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,079 I've been having "my dogs" post things 89 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,959 that are a little on the snoot. 90 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,839 Here's one photoshopped as a tiny Stalin. 91 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,359 And if Instagram isn't your thing, 92 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,719 a few rotten tweets should do the trick. 93 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,680 Here's some of my dog's tweets. 94 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,119 Now that he's been cancelled, 95 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,959 this house is like Louis CK's Comedy Cellar. 96 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,519 Who else is gonna have him? 97 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,239 Last week, my dogs kept following me. 98 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,559 It was only when I realised I hadn't showered 99 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,439 since the start of isolation 100 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,199 that I identified why. 101 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,719 I stank. 102 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,239 I was, in their eyes, a real leader. 103 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,999 Now, if you have been showering, don't stress. 104 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,639 I've got the quick fix to get you stinking. 105 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,640 All you'll need is canned mussels. 106 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,199 Your dogs will be idolising you in a matter of minutes. 107 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,360 You're going to want to get an all-over coverage. 108 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,039 You smell expired mussels, they smell power. 109 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,919 Well, there you have it. 110 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:48,000 Using my handy training tips, you too can be leader of the pack. 111 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,239 RAY MARTIN: This is Reuben Smeg, 112 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,399 Craggle Crescent's self-designated Neighbourhood Watchman, 113 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,599 since he and his stunning wife, Mary, 114 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,519 moved into the area seven years ago. 115 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,760 Mary and I used to go steady, and it's still a bit weird between us. 116 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,119 Even with the recent relaxing of the COVID lockdown measures, 117 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,359 Reuben still refuses to take any chances, 118 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,479 focusing on protecting the health of his crescent. 119 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,919 Regardless of this easing, it would be easier 120 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:39,200 if the residents just stayed inside to prevent them touching and... 121 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000 ..rubbing and... 122 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,199 Everyone just needs to stay away! 123 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,399 (ALARM WHOOPS) 124 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,879 Reuben's taken it upon himself 125 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,039 to build a series of sophisticated homemade devices 126 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,399 as protection from germy outside intruders. 127 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,199 I've taken it upon myself to build 128 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,959 a series of sophisticated homemade devices. 129 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,799 A vest made entirely of the movie Cats. 130 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,559 Joe Hildebrand mask. 131 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,639 And no-one is going to mess... 132 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,560 ..with this guy. 133 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,800 Playing a djembe. 134 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,679 Go on! Get out of here! 135 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,599 Taking things one step further, 136 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,719 Reuben has contrived a series of psychological traps 137 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,399 to lure those that wish to get too close. 138 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,960 Just lay the bait and watch the yabbies swim. 139 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,480 (THUDDING BEAT) 140 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,199 (ALARM WHOOPS) 141 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,519 You're breaking the rules. This is not Splendour in the Grass. 142 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,320 You have fallen into my psychological trap. 143 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,680 That'll teach them to read signs. 144 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,839 Reuben spent his entire life savings on tickets to Bali 145 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,119 in hopes of catching a super-spreader. 146 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,639 Let's see what lowlife would go on holiday 147 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,000 during an international crisis. 148 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,079 Mary? 149 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,800 (SWEEPING ROMANTIC MUSIC) 150 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,719 What...? 151 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,880 What are you doing? 152 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,959 Good on you, Reuben. 153 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,560 You're truly one of Ray's Great Heroes. 154 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,199 Since Pete Evans has been fired from MKR, 155 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,559 you may be wondering what to do with his cookbooks 156 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,519 now that you want to throw them out. 157 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,479 Coming up, learn how to turn a bone broth infant formula recipe 158 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,319 into a beautiful decoupage tissue box holder. 159 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,399 Discover the simple joys of transforming 160 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,199 his beef burrito for Alzheimer's recipe 161 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,079 into a papier-mache horse. 162 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,159 "Neigh!" 163 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,599 And how to turn his vaccine-alternative, 164 00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,279 autism-preventing paleo cookies 165 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,920 into a lovely warming fire. 166 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,719 I never thought this would happen to me, 167 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,479 but then one day a parcel just turned up. 168 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,759 It was, um, sort of this big. 169 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,519 I didn't know what it was. 170 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,960 But he took it to the living room and I suddenly heard the strumming. 171 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,000 (UKULELE PLAYS) 172 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,319 It's barely an instrument. 173 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,960 It's like a guitar for a hobbit. 174 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,559 But he just won't stop. 175 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:44,080 No-one should have to listen to Riptide 20 times in a row. 176 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,079 My life is like an insurance ad. 177 00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,919 VOICEOVER: Does this sound like you? 178 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,319 Then you need the Uke Nukers. 179 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,600 No-mess, no-fuss solutions from the ukulele-crushing professionals. 180 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,759 Our technicians are trained to destroy any instrument 181 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,679 on the annoying sound spectrum, 182 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,559 from kazoos to bagpipes. 183 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,360 Even your child's recorder. 184 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:11,919 So, call Uke Nukers today, and remember, when he starts playing, 185 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,639 we start slaying. 186 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,839 MAN: Hey, that's my marimba! 187 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,239 (CRASHING) 188 00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,600 Call now. 189 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,119 Gary here from Clam of the Sea Cruises. 190 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,359 Guess what? 191 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,319 None of you pricks bought any of my cruise ships. 192 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,999 So, now, I'm on the brink of liquidation. 193 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:37,239 So, for one week only, I'm holding a cruise ship boot sale. 194 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,999 It's in the boot of a cruise ship! 195 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,839 So, you know this sale is gonna be massive! 196 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,079 Everything's for sale. 197 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,599 Dining tables from first-class. Sale! 198 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,999 Ballroom chandeliers. Sale! 199 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,039 6,000 showerheads. 200 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,759 Sale, sale, sale! 201 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:52,959 Everything's for sale. 202 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,079 And if that's not enough, 203 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,959 I'll even flog the contents of the lost property bin. 204 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,279 We've got Dunlop Volleys! 205 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,839 We've got a Dan Brown book! 206 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,799 We've got 20 kilos of thawed shrimp from Ugly Dave Gray's dressing-room! 207 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,239 We've got reading glasses with one of the lenses missing. 208 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,799 We've got Stussi gear. 209 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,959 There's heaps of menthol ciggies, lighters. 210 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,119 We've got a bag full of sick. 211 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,839 The sick's not hot anymore. 212 00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,759 It's cooled down, but it's still good! 213 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,479 It's the Clam of the Sea boot sale clearance. 214 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,399 Because if I'm going down with the ship, 215 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,120 you'd be crazy not to join me! 216 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:31,679 ♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪ 217 00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,239 In the world of opera, Andrea Bocelli is an absolute superstar. 218 00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,719 He's sold 80 million records worldwide. Can you believe that? 219 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,679 And I was absolutely over the moon 220 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,999 when he agreed to perform for us tonight. 221 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,439 I was then decidedly under the moon when, just two hours ago, 222 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,879 he rang up, for no reason, and cancelled. 223 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,279 But the show must go on. 224 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,399 So, here to perform Puccini's classic aria, Nessun Dorma, 225 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,639 would you please welcome the only professional singer 226 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,959 we could find at such short notice? 227 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,079 ('NESSUN DORMA' PLAYS) 228 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:05,640 ♪ Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me 229 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:12,039 ♪ Il nome mio nessun sapra 230 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:17,440 ♪ No, no, sulla tua bocca 231 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,480 ♪ Lo diro 232 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:27,960 ♪ Quando la luce 233 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,719 ♪ E splendera 234 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,639 ♪ Vincero 235 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,839 ♪ Vincero 236 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,199 ♪ Vincero... ♪ (VOICE CRACKS) 237 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,800 Fuck it! 238 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,519 Fucking opera! 239 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,520 Fucking over-romantic bullshit! 240 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,279 They say racism is prejudice plus power. 241 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,199 Recently, we've seen the levels 242 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,279 of anti-Chinese sentiment in this country 243 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,999 multiply times 10. 244 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,399 But by minusing a little bit of yourself, 245 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,639 you might be able to blend in and avoid the equation entirely. 246 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,959 The fact is, Aussies love it when you act like them. 247 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,519 And when you act like them, you fly under the radar. 248 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,519 Here are a couple of easy ways you can achieve that 249 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,360 and, in the process... 250 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,559 ..stay safe. 251 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,519 When it comes to work, Aussies don't believe effort equals reward 252 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,240 and they are generally lazy and unaccomplished as a result. 253 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,119 By displaying a good work ethic, you'll stick out like a horse's dick. 254 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,559 So, don't do that. 255 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,959 But do try horse's dick, which, applied medicinally, 256 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,519 is great for male virility. 257 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,999 Nah, yeah, I can't work today, mate. 258 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,679 Eugene, is everything OK? 259 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,879 Yeah, I just don't really care about how my slacking off 260 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,279 will affect my colleagues 261 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,759 or, for that matter, my reputation in your eyes, going forward. 262 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,239 Look, I'm taking a mental-health day, mate. 263 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,839 So, yeah, just shut the fuck up. Righto. 264 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,199 See ya, mate. Fucking... coward. (BLEEP) 265 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,999 I mean, see ya, mate. 266 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,999 If you talk like them, you'll be accepted by them 267 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,959 and, fingers crossed, they'll leave you alone. 268 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,879 Try practising some of these useful expressions 269 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,599 around some of your middle-class "friends". 270 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,519 Check it out. I've just changed my Instagram bio 271 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,599 to "Living and working on unceded Gadigal land." 272 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,919 I'm just trying to do my part. 273 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,399 I've actually been saying for years 274 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,839 that Chris Lilley should be cancelled. 275 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,239 You guys heard about Blackout Tuesday, right? 276 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,879 Yeah, I've been blacked out this whole June. 277 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,599 Just Blackout June. 278 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,959 BOTH: Yes, king. 279 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,519 ('BOTANY BAY' PLAYS) 280 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,639 So, there you go. 281 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:25,919 By following this advice, 282 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,759 you'll have no trouble placating these people and their racism. 283 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,919 And you won't have to call yourself the literal happiest refugee 284 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,119 to do so. 285 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,199 Eugene, you're one of the good ones, mate. 286 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,840 (OCKER ACCENT) Thank you, mate. 287 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:41,959 (GONG CHIMES AND ECHOES) 288 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,599 (COUGHS) It's just the smoke. 289 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:50,319 Spending long periods of time in our home can be challenging, 290 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,639 not only because we're social, roaming creatures 291 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:59,679 but because we share our homes with paranormal entities 292 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,519 and they have unfinished business to resolve. 293 00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:03,599 Ohh! 294 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,919 Fortunately, today, you have me 295 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,399 to show you how to release any ethereal beings 296 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,759 and calmly move them on into the next realm. 297 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:18,199 Oh! Oh! OH! 298 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,399 Firstly, find that corner of your house 299 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:25,559 that is lacking in flow or positive energy. 300 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,079 In order to do this work, I need to protect myself 301 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,559 by going deep inside my sacred womb space. 302 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,519 (INHALES) 303 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:41,720 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 304 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,559 (DEEP VOICE) I have arrived. 305 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,519 Once you have arrived in your sacred womb space, 306 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,839 begin the clearing ceremony by smudging your home with sage, 307 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,599 available from any reputable herbal apothecary. 308 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,439 Allow yourself to vocalise during this. 309 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,839 Then ask for the spirits to present themselves. 310 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,200 (MOANS) Someone's coming through. He's... 311 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,919 Oh. He's scared. 312 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,160 This one, his... his back is to me, shaking. 313 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,119 It seems he's engaging in some... self-pleasure but... 314 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,599 ..he can't seem to get good purchase on his ethereal grunter 315 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,320 with those sort of wafty hands. 316 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,679 Tell us how we might help you move on from this realm. 317 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,079 (RAUNCHY MUSIC) (SQUELCHING) 318 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,479 Yeah. Are you close? 319 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,360 Oh, you're so hard. 320 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:53,160 (RAUNCHY MUSIC CONTINUES) 321 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,319 ♪ You've got the touch 322 00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,839 ♪ Of love 323 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,759 ♪ And I just can't get 324 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,359 ♪ Get enough... ♪ 325 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,199 Haunt me! Haunt me! 326 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,839 Haunt me! 327 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,439 Yes! Yes! 328 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,480 Ohhhhh! 329 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,480 And... he's free. 330 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,599 So, you can just... just put it there, thanks. 331 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,760 (PANTS) 332 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,839 Mmm! 333 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,279 VOICEOVER: Coming up on Grand Designs Revisited... 334 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,639 Lounge? Nuh. Dining? 335 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,839 When do we eat at home? Never. 336 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,999 We revisit a couple who made the big decision to go tiny. 337 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,679 Toilet? I reckon next to the bed. 338 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,719 Great. 339 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:43,999 We want a house that best suits 340 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,559 our very busy, very heterosexual lifestyle. 341 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,599 Yeah. 342 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,399 Like I've got my yoga. Capoeira. 343 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,279 You spend a lot of time in those hotels. 344 00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,959 We manage the local chapter of Pussy Riot. 345 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,959 We're not really 'at home' kind of people. 346 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,999 Like, when would we ever need a puzzle? 347 00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,039 Just got to do something about this one with her shoes. 348 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,719 (BOTH LAUGH) 349 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,199 Women! 350 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,599 But in this mouse of a house, does size matter? 351 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,879 Babe, have you seen the mouthwash? 352 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,759 Ah. Thank you. 353 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:16,759 And has this mini-home lived up to their huge expectations? 354 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,239 BOTH: We love it. 355 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,559 Yeah, it's our dream home. 356 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,359 We did go over budget. 357 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,719 But we've been spending a lot more time at home than we were expecting. 358 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,159 So... Value for money. 359 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,639 We're both still working from home. It's great. 360 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,600 We can have five people over for dinner. 361 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,320 (NAIL CLIPPERS CLICK) 362 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,799 I guess there are some things I would prefer to do when she was at work. 363 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,999 (TOILET FLUSHES) 364 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,399 Polo. 365 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,559 Tiny house? I'll tell you what's TINY! 366 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:49,919 Go diagonally. 367 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,360 Babe? Babe? Babe? 368 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,839 Maybe if we moved into your vagina, we'd have a little bit more room! 369 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,519 Living large, 1.5 metres apart. 370 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,560 Yeah, I don't think they mean that as a maximum. 371 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,200 I think you've had enough of those. 372 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:12,159 OK, so the bathroom is actually amazing. 373 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,199 Oh, my God. 374 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,679 Oh... 375 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,039 They're just so big. 376 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,719 Excuse me. Sorry. Can I, um...? 377 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,839 Wait. No, don't. Why is this here?! 378 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,840 Perhaps living large is no small... Shut up! 379 00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:30,679 (SOBS) It's just a really expensive caravan, OK? 380 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,639 ♪ At least I'm Home Alone together with you. ♪ 381 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,719 Welcome back. 382 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,319 You know, it's always been a dream of mine to host a show 383 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,599 in a completely off-Broadway time spot, like this one. 384 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,959 With 60 Minutes, I always said to George Negus, 385 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,879 "Why are we airing this at 7:30 on a Sunday night?" 386 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,799 Up against Alf, no less. 387 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,879 Whereas here, on the ABC, after 10 o'clock at night, 388 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,959 there's no pressure to make the show good. 389 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,319 We could put anything to air and the audience will just be grateful 390 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,399 that it's not another rerun of Spicks and Specks. 391 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,679 Speaking of which, why hasn't that show been cancelled? 392 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,359 It's a very racist name. 393 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,799 Spicks and Specs. 394 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,599 Anyway, here's something that the young people call content. 395 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,119 The coronavirus has affected us all in different ways. 396 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,759 I lost my job at an electronics store. 397 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,439 Not because of the virus. 398 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,119 It was because I stole seven computers. 399 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,279 So, now I got a job as a food delivery driver. 400 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,999 As an industry insider, 401 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,079 I'm going to give you all the tips and advice 402 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,439 on how to get the best value out of your order. 403 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,600 (HEAVY ROCK MUSIC) 404 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,599 There's no prawns in the bush. 405 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,879 Only get fish and chips if a shop is near a river or an ocean 406 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,919 and never ask what's in a seafood stick. 407 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,240 Nobody knows. 408 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,079 If you're getting chicken wings, 409 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,239 make sure you're getting value for money. 410 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,399 For example, if you're getting 12 chicken wings, 411 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,839 it should be coming in at an industry standard of 500 grams. 412 00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,200 That's why I bring a scales along to every delivery. 413 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,479 I like to pair my chicken meal 414 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,999 with the streaming service I'm watching. 415 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,479 KFC is Netflix, because it's American and shiny 416 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,079 and got all the blockbusters. 417 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,719 Red Rooster is Stan, because it's Australian, home-grown, 418 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,359 and you know what you're getting. 419 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,439 And Nando's is SBS On Demand 420 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,680 'cause it's exotic and it's got a lot of Portuguese people in it. 421 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:27,399 You don't have to be a family to get a family pack, right? 422 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,519 What if I'm just a hungry guy? Like... 423 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,559 Alright, my family took off. Big deal. 424 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,479 You going to stop me from buying a family pack? 425 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,919 No, you can't. 426 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,600 If I want a family pack, I'm gonna get it. 427 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,519 Just feels like the size of pizzas are shrinking, you know? 428 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,519 They're getting smaller all the time. 429 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,599 You buy a large these days, it's not as big as it used to be. 430 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,919 Just feels like climate change, 431 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,600 but no-one's talking about it, you know? 432 00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,239 Shops never put enough chicken salt on. 433 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,720 That's why I always bring along an emergency supply in my bum bag. 434 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,840 Plus, I've also got barbecue sauce in the glove box. 435 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,240 Thank you for listening to my presentation. 436 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,999 If you're like me and you quit your job so you could move to L.A. 437 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,759 with your Norwegian boyfriend, 438 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,839 but then Coronavirus happened, so instead of living in bliss, 439 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,439 you're living in Australia with your dad, 440 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,719 then I really feel for you. 441 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,639 But with a bit of positive thinking, 442 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,479 living with your parent as an adult 443 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:39,480 is kind of like being a visitor in a foreign land. 444 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,879 Welcome to Dad's place - 445 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,959 Casa di Michele. 446 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,519 This exotic destination has a population of one 447 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,159 but that number doubles 448 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,519 in peak season. 449 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,119 Linda, could you go to the shop and buy me some milk, please? 450 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,319 The other thing to note is that the locals speak 451 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,119 a very challenging dialect 452 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,440 that is impossible to understand. 453 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,159 (LOUDLY) Hello. 454 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,719 I'm-a so-a sorry, 455 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:14,199 but I don't understand anything that you are saying to me. 456 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:18,439 Dad's place has a strong monotheistic culture. 457 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,879 The region's one true god, 458 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,239 this beautiful woman. 459 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,159 Shrines dedicated to this goddess 460 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,959 are found all throughout the area. 461 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:33,719 While you're here, get into the swing of the local fashion. 462 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,319 These designs haven't changed since the '80s, 463 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,799 so you know they're traditional. 464 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,559 (CLEARS THROAT) 465 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:45,039 It wouldn't be a holiday without some serious relaxation. 466 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,079 Oh, excuse me? 467 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,039 I'm actually a little bit hot. Would you mind fanning me? 468 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,519 Oh, fuck off, Linda. 469 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,639 And at the end of a big day, 470 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,440 treat yourself to a room at the end of the hallway. 471 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,639 Oh, holy cannoli! Yuck! 472 00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,279 I'm sorry, I've been asking for the turndown service every night. 473 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,639 I put the sign on the door. 474 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,119 What sign, daughter? 475 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,719 The one in my head. 476 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,119 And there you have it. 477 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,519 A destination to tempt any pre-COVID traveller. 478 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,319 And if you stick around long enough, 479 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,159 you might even become a local yourself. 480 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,999 And you can also pay the rent. 481 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,559 (LAUGHS) See you next time. 482 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,839 (AMERICAN ACCENT) Now, let's say you need some rations or supplies 483 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,799 but you don't want to go to the grocery store. 484 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,759 That's where the 5G is. 485 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,839 All my food is delivered in cans. 486 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,199 Everything good comes in a can. 487 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,679 You can get nine types of beans, fruit, hot dogs, 488 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,319 15 types of tuna and fancy ethnic tuna 489 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,879 and also tinned 'sparagus, 490 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,439 which personally I find offensive, 491 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,759 but it takes all folks. 492 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,679 Sure, Y2K didn't happen, but when Y3K happens, 493 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:50,959 I'm gonna be ready. 494 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,199 Goddamn right. 495 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,839 Come get some. 496 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,119 However, if you did neglect to prepare 497 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,639 for the inevitable Armageddon, 498 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,359 first of all, you're a dummy. 499 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,520 And, secondly, it's time for huntin'. 500 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,159 The flying fox or fruit bat 501 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,759 or by its Latin name, Pteropus Yinpterochiroptera - 502 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,399 with a wingspan of 1.5 metres, it is not an easy kill. 503 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,119 It's in abundance in most places in Australia. 504 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,599 Here's how you kill it to eat it. 505 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,439 Now, this should prove an easier hunt 506 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,119 than my neighbour's cat, Mr Mifkins. 507 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,839 He is my nemesis. 508 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,039 He is a truly worthy adversary. 509 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,479 I have tracked him for days. 510 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,799 I have memorised the scent of his piss. 511 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,959 I can smell his urine before it's been urined. 512 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,479 You will not escape me again, Mr Mifkins. 513 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,399 Step one, cover yourself in bananas. 514 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,199 Now, I'm using cable ties for this, 515 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,479 because they're dynamic enough to be used in a hostage situation 516 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,359 or to dress up like a banana tree. 517 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,919 This time... I am the bait. 518 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,719 Step two, arm yourself. 519 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,079 Now I prefer dual machetes 'cause in pitch-black, 520 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,199 there'll be a lot of blind hacking and slashing and God knows what. 521 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,200 Step three, wait. 522 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,519 (INSECTS CHIRP) 523 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,479 Here it is. Come to papa. 524 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,359 Ow! Ow! Goddamn it, you sonofabitch! 525 00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,159 Get off me. That's my face. 526 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,359 Ow! Leave me alone. You winged devil! 527 00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,999 You goddamn Obama sonofabitch. 528 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,759 Get back here! Goddamn it! 529 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,319 Goddamn, my whole face hurts. 530 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,239 Ow! 531 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,999 I have realised that eating a bat 532 00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,359 is what got us into this mess in the first place, 533 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,719 so I've decided to grant my prey a stay of execution. 534 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,160 Mr Mifkins, however, you are on notice. 535 00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,039 G'day, I'm qualified pastor Jordan Pryor 536 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,840 from the megachurch Godchurch. 537 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,319 I'm on TikTok. 538 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,399 Thanks to your generous JobKeeper payments, 539 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,119 Godchurch now has a second big screen, a popcorn machine, 540 00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,319 and an in-church waterslide for the kiddies. 541 00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,359 Incoming splashdown for the Lord! 542 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:03,439 Recently, Jesus has been acting through our Prime Minister again 543 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:07,279 to provide you with $25,000 to renovate your home, 544 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,639 which is why I'm launching GodBuilder, 545 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,839 our new program that allows you to give your home building grant 546 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,599 straight up there, to the big bloke. 547 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,759 As a qualified carpenter, Jesus knew what he was talking about. 548 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,839 He was basically the Scotty Cam of Nazareth. 549 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:21,959 Nailed it! 550 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,799 N-n-n-n-n-nailed it... remix. 551 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,439 But, Jordan, don't I need a DA? No, nerd. 552 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,759 With GodBuilder, the only permit you need is God's love. 553 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,239 Bah-boom, bah-boom, bah-boom! 554 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,799 Sorry for calling you a nerd. 555 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,479 So, go on, donate $25,000 to Godchurch today, 556 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,959 and let us reserve you a spot in the power tools section 557 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,759 of the big Bunnings store in the sky. 558 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,320 I'm talking heaven, baby. 559 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,319 Well, look, I don't want to be offensive to South Australians, 560 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,839 but why would you want to go there? 561 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,319 VOICEOVER: Oh, come on, Dan. 562 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,879 There's plenty of reasons to come 563 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,719 to the sunniest state on the continent. 564 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:01,439 So, pack your bags and take a trip to the City of Trolleys, 565 00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,799 because South Australia is back in business. 566 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,639 There's never been a better time to take a punt on SA, 567 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:11,079 and the South Australian Punting Association 568 00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,959 is letting punters take punts on all sorts of things, 569 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,080 like parking availability... 570 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,560 ..divorce settlements... 571 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,919 Bitch... Bitch! 572 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,480 Bitch! Bitch! 573 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,320 ..and backyard child fights. 574 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,080 They're also taking punts on missing pets: 575 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,319 So, come on down, Aussie punters, and grab yourself a punt, 576 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,640 because South Australia is back in business. 577 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,879 ♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪ 578 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,559 Of course, during these tricky times, 579 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,399 Australians have been asking themselves the same question. 580 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,519 How do we make ourselves really, really oily? 581 00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:05,399 Well, here to answer that is our resident expert, Mr Oily. 582 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,999 The best way to get really oily 583 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,999 is to cover yourself in oil! 584 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,639 Now I'm really slippery. 585 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,199 Whoa! 586 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,079 I'm the slipperiest boy in the neighbourhood. 587 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,119 Ooh-ahh! Ooh-ahh! 588 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:21,599 Uhh-ugh! 589 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,359 The rumours are true. 590 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,119 I have muscular dystrophy. 591 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:28,159 And since the global pandemic, my once rare lifestyle 592 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,839 of laying motionless in bed, staring at my ceiling, 593 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,760 has gone mainstream. 594 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,999 It's like coronavirus has made all of you MORE disabled, 595 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,280 which gives ME the power because I hold the knowledge on how to cope. 596 00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,559 Because you'll be spending all your time in your new bed office, 597 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,760 you'll want to personalise it, like I have with this one. 598 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:50,959 Now, I know what you're thinking. 599 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,679 Won't we have to get up to go to the bathroom? 600 00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:53,680 No. 601 00:28:53,681 --> 00:28:55,679 This is as far as I ever get. 602 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,679 You can upcycle your own chic urine receptacle 603 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,479 using an old chickpea can and some Christmas wrapping paper. 604 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,559 Bonus tip - the days can really blur together when you're at home, 605 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,519 so to make the weekends a bit special, 606 00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,760 I like to switch to a fancy wine carafe. 607 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,599 But the weekend's not just for pissing into a nice vase. 608 00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,759 It's for socialising, too. 609 00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,399 Now, I know it's tough to have to cancel plans 610 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,399 for reasons out of your control, 611 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,679 but after years of having to turn down invitations 612 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,439 because I'm fatigued, 613 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,399 I came up with a solution. 614 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,879 Adopt an obnoxious personality so no-one wants to be around you. 615 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,639 For example, start pronouncing French words TOO correctly. 616 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,359 'Kwuh-sonn'. 617 00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,839 Something I did was tell people that I wore leg braces 618 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,919 'cause I'm a member of the steampunk community. 619 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:42,399 Worked a treat. 620 00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,159 I became so obnoxious that people stopped inviting me to parties, 621 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,039 and I got to be on TV. 622 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,639 Win-win. 623 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,599 I hope these tips help you survive this pandemic 624 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,639 and when it comes time for the next one, 625 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,039 you'll know where to find me. 626 00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,600 Right here. 627 00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,439 Living in isolation can be lonely. 628 00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,879 And while restrictions are lifting, you can never be too careful. 629 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,319 That's why I haven't seen another living soul since March. 630 00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,239 With a long and lonely winter just around the corner, 631 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,999 now is the perfect time to build 632 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,399 better, more complex relationships with our plants. 633 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,719 And what better way to lay the foundations of friendship 634 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:24,879 than by laying the foundations of a comfy bed of mulch? 635 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:26,799 G'day, Lem. 636 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,599 Don't be put if your plants don't warm to you straightaway. 637 00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,959 That's exactly what mulching is for. (CHUCKLES) 638 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,759 In warmer climates, mulching fruit trees like this now 639 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,479 will help to retain moisture and improve the soil. 640 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,639 It'll also give these guys the energy they need 641 00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,319 for a little bit of rough-housing. 642 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:44,839 (CHUCKLES) 643 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,279 Oh, Lem. 644 00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:50,199 But not all plants are as pliant as old Lem here. 645 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:54,039 Some plants can remain frosty even after a good mulching. 646 00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:55,919 Take this little one, for example. 647 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,879 (MUTTERS) Just sit... Can you just try and be happy for one day? 648 00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:00,799 It can be easy to feel sometimes 649 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,479 that these relationships are a bit one-sided, 650 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,720 especially with some plants. 651 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,839 But don't be disheartened. 652 00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,519 Eventually, you work out which plants are worth your efforts 653 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,720 and which AREN'T WORTH YOUR TIME! 654 00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,239 Strawberry plants are all bastards. 655 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,439 Doesn't matter how much you mulch, how much you weed, 656 00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:27,159 how much time, love and respect you put into a strawberry plant, 657 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,119 in the end, it's all just liquid fertiliser to them. 658 00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:33,399 (OMINOUS MUSIC) 659 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,080 Did you ever love me? 660 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,759 Can't even look at me, can you, you coward? 661 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,879 I hate you! I hate you! 662 00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,639 (CRIES) Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! 663 00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,719 Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! 664 00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,519 (CRYING ECHOES) 665 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:51,959 (DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT THUDS) 666 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,520 (SOMBRE MUSIC) 667 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,479 Officer... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 668 00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,279 It's an accident. See? 669 00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,719 We were pruning, and he... he tripped. 670 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,919 Right? Right, guys? 671 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,079 You all saw it. 672 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:11,880 Lem? 673 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,599 You bastards. I'm not going down for this. 674 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,400 (GUNSHOT) Oh! 675 00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,400 (SOMBRE MUSIC) 676 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,440 (SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES) 677 00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:04,919 ♪ At least I'm home alone together with you. ♪ 678 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,199 And so we come to the end of the road. 679 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,799 Thank you so much for watching. 680 00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,359 We'll leave you tonight with a preview of a brand-new show 681 00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,439 coming soon to ABC Kids. 682 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,559 Now, if that sounds like a cross promotion, well, it is. 683 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:18,239 But I'd rather promote this 684 00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,519 than whatever rubbish is coming up straight after us. 685 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,840 Until the next pandemic, goodnight. 686 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:28,799 Hi, kids. I'm Sani, the magical hand sanitiser. 687 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,239 And I'm COVI. I'm a virus. 688 00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,479 And I'm the reason everyone's sad. 689 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,679 And today, I'm gonna tell you why Mummy can't play with you, 690 00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:38,319 even though you're both at home. 691 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,319 Mummy has a job. 692 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,759 What's a job, Sani? 693 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,839 Well, COVI, a job is what you do to get money. 694 00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,799 What's money, Sani? 695 00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:50,200 To answer that, I'm gonna have to take you back: 696 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:53,359 ♪ A system had to be set up 697 00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,559 ♪ In which two folks could exchange value and not chickens 698 00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,399 ♪ And so tokens were arranged 699 00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,399 ♪ These tokens, they were tradeable in ways that goats just weren't 700 00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,679 ♪ And so tokens now became the norm for everything you earnt... ♪ 701 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,519 Gee, Sani, that sure does sound interesting. 702 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,119 But it doesn't answer why Mummy can't play with me. 703 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,399 Well, COVI... ♪ As humans started trading 704 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,519 ♪ Their potential only grew... ♪ Wow. 705 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,399 ♪ Demand for goats was rising and demand for function, too 706 00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,639 ♪ A function like goat-herding might be outsourced to your neighbour 707 00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:23,879 ♪ While you might bake the bread, and so was born divided labour 708 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,119 ♪ This fragmentation of these tasks gave rise to civilisation 709 00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,399 ♪ Add 6,000 years and we hit The Wealth of Nations 710 00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,319 ♪ Adam Smith said "Ownership by states is too chaotic" 711 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,839 ♪ Let's make all assets free and call it "modern economics"... ♪ 712 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,919 Uh, Sani, is this going anywhere? 713 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:43,239 ♪ The world continued growing and the labour market changed 714 00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:46,319 ♪ Jobs that seemed so normal 10 years later look so strange 715 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:47,799 ♪ But one thing never wavered 716 00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,399 ♪ What an economic quirk 717 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,039 ♪ No matter who you are 718 00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,799 ♪ You'll always have to work... ♪ 719 00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,479 It's making sense, Sani. I'm getting it. 720 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:57,799 That's the spirit, COVI. Good for you. 721 00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,359 Sani? Yes, COVI? 722 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,319 Did I make everyone stay home? 723 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,639 You sure did. 724 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:05,119 But they can still work from home, right? 725 00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:06,999 Some of them, sure. 726 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,319 ♪ See, life, it costs you money, but money gives you life 727 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,439 ♪ And so we get to Mummy who seems glued to her device 728 00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,279 ♪ But she does this work for you and now she's doing it from home 729 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,919 ♪ So, while Mummy makes the money, go and play on Mummy's phone 730 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:21,599 ♪ Angry Birds, Rubik's Cube 731 00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:23,159 ♪ Let all the freaks on YouTube 732 00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,479 ♪ Distract you while Mummy's in the zone 733 00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:31,239 BOTH: ♪ Please go play on Mummy's phone. ♪ 56493

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