Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,399
♪ At Home
♪ Home
2
00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:04,079
♪ Alone
♪ Alone
3
00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,680
♪ Together. ♪
4
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:09,599
(POOL BALLS CLACK)
5
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:10,839
Hello, I'm Ray Martin.
6
00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,519
Welcome to At Home Alone Together -
An Extra Dose.
7
00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,039
You know, I really thought that
I was done with this damn show.
8
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,319
But apparently, someone thought it
was a good idea to cobble together
9
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:23,519
all the leftover bits that Ita
didn't want to see in prime time.
10
00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,439
Bits such as this one.
11
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,719
Now that half the country's
lost their jobs,
12
00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:30,079
people are writing me letters,
asking for advice,
13
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:32,239
like this chap, Justin, who writes,
14
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,199
"Dear Nate, I've lost everything
due to COVID-19.
15
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,839
"I'm afraid. I'm struggling.
16
00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,759
"I miss being able to
go on holidays.
17
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,559
"Can you give me some tips?"
18
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,440
Justin, I can take you on a holiday
without even leaving the house.
19
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:47,999
I arrived at Justin's house,
20
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,319
taking all the necessary precautions,
of course.
21
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,719
Ahh! Oh!
22
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:56,159
So, Justin, you excited
for your European holiday?
23
00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:57,839
What was in that spray bottle?
24
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,719
That's a mystery for another day.
25
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:02,200
Now, let's get started.
26
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:07,359
Step one is to sit strapped
in a chair for around 36 hours.
27
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,439
This simulates the travel time.
28
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:13,559
I'm feeding Justin microwave meals
to replicate the airline food,
29
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,720
whilst obviously maintaining
a COVID-safe distance.
30
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,799
(AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARS)
31
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:27,999
Buongiorno!
32
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,359
Welcome to Europe.
33
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,239
It's time to immerse yourself
in European culture.
34
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,679
Cuisine.
35
00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:34,680
Pornos.
36
00:01:34,681 --> 00:01:36,119
Hitler wig and moustache.
37
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,399
That Spanish tomato-throwing
festival.
38
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:39,879
The running of the bulls.
39
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,200
Andale! Andale! Arriba!
40
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,159
Picked him up cheap
from the put-down shelter.
41
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,880
They said he was too aggressive.
I reckon he's alright.
42
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,919
Now it's time for a trip
to wine country.
43
00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:53,600
Have a suck of that one, mate.
44
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,479
Ohh! What is in that?
45
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:00,559
It's me very own counterfeit wine.
46
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,399
It's just Ribena
mixed with paint thinner.
47
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,719
(COUGHS)
48
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,639
And no European vacation is complete
49
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,520
without a little
historical re-enactment.
50
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,079
Sadly, every vacation
must come to an end.
51
00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:14,919
But even on the plane ride home,
52
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:18,679
there's still room to add
a little bit of excitement.
53
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:21,999
(ALARMS BLARE)
Brace! Brace! Brace! Brace!
54
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,400
We're going in the water!
We're going in the water!
55
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,759
(SCREAMS)
56
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,399
And that's how to have your very own
European holiday for next to nothing.
57
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:33,999
Coming up next, I teach you
58
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,399
how to make counterfeit sushi using
seafood extender and kitty litter.
59
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,439
(SPLUTTERS)
60
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,959
While quarantine has been
stressful for humans,
61
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,759
the same can't be said for our pets.
62
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:44,239
They've had it better than ever.
63
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,079
We're around all the time,
extra walks,
64
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:49,199
not to mention
all those extra lip kisses.
65
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:50,399
Mwah!
66
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:53,639
But are they getting a little too big
for their paws?
67
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,879
Now, remaining pack leader is vital
when it comes to dogs.
68
00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,999
I'm going to show you my tips
69
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,599
on how to maintain
dominance over your dog.
70
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,920
Let's go.
71
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,559
It's great to praise your dog,
but we don't want them getting an ego
72
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,959
and thinking that
they are the leader.
73
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,879
A simple way to dominate
is to remind them of this
74
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,999
by showing them photos
of much better boys and girls.
75
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,919
She acts as someone's literal eyes.
76
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,520
When have you ever done that?
77
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,679
Inspector Rex.
78
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:24,879
Famous.
79
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,159
Fights crime.
80
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,439
Speaks German.
81
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,879
A way better boy.
82
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,519
He gets the idea.
83
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:31,919
It's as simple as that.
84
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:35,559
The best way to control someone
is through humiliation and shame.
85
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,679
The best way to make someone
feel shame -
86
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,799
by getting them cancelled online.
87
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,599
That's why,
instead of posting cute photos,
88
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,079
I've been having "my dogs"
post things
89
00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,959
that are a little on the snoot.
90
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,839
Here's one photoshopped
as a tiny Stalin.
91
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,359
And if Instagram isn't your thing,
92
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,719
a few rotten tweets
should do the trick.
93
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,680
Here's some of my dog's tweets.
94
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,119
Now that he's been cancelled,
95
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,959
this house is like Louis CK's
Comedy Cellar.
96
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,519
Who else is gonna have him?
97
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,239
Last week, my dogs kept following me.
98
00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,559
It was only when I realised
I hadn't showered
99
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,439
since the start of isolation
100
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,199
that I identified why.
101
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,719
I stank.
102
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,239
I was, in their eyes, a real leader.
103
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:20,999
Now, if you have been showering,
don't stress.
104
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,639
I've got the quick fix
to get you stinking.
105
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,640
All you'll need is canned mussels.
106
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,199
Your dogs will be idolising you
in a matter of minutes.
107
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,360
You're going to want to get
an all-over coverage.
108
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:41,039
You smell expired mussels,
they smell power.
109
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,919
Well, there you have it.
110
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:48,000
Using my handy training tips,
you too can be leader of the pack.
111
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,239
RAY MARTIN: This is Reuben Smeg,
112
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,399
Craggle Crescent's self-designated
Neighbourhood Watchman,
113
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,599
since he
and his stunning wife, Mary,
114
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,519
moved into the area seven years ago.
115
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,760
Mary and I used to go steady, and
it's still a bit weird between us.
116
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:24,119
Even with the recent relaxing
of the COVID lockdown measures,
117
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,359
Reuben still refuses
to take any chances,
118
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,479
focusing on protecting
the health of his crescent.
119
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,919
Regardless of this easing,
it would be easier
120
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:39,200
if the residents just stayed inside
to prevent them touching and...
121
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000
..rubbing and...
122
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,199
Everyone just needs to stay away!
123
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,399
(ALARM WHOOPS)
124
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:47,879
Reuben's taken it upon himself
125
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,039
to build a series of
sophisticated homemade devices
126
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,399
as protection from germy
outside intruders.
127
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,199
I've taken it upon myself to build
128
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,959
a series of sophisticated
homemade devices.
129
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,799
A vest made entirely
of the movie Cats.
130
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,559
Joe Hildebrand mask.
131
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,639
And no-one is going to mess...
132
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,560
..with this guy.
133
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:10,800
Playing a djembe.
134
00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:18,679
Go on! Get out of here!
135
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,599
Taking things one step further,
136
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,719
Reuben has contrived a series
of psychological traps
137
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,399
to lure those
that wish to get too close.
138
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,960
Just lay the bait
and watch the yabbies swim.
139
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,480
(THUDDING BEAT)
140
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,199
(ALARM WHOOPS)
141
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,519
You're breaking the rules.
This is not Splendour in the Grass.
142
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,320
You have fallen into
my psychological trap.
143
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,680
That'll teach them to read signs.
144
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,839
Reuben spent his entire life savings
on tickets to Bali
145
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,119
in hopes of catching
a super-spreader.
146
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,639
Let's see what lowlife
would go on holiday
147
00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,000
during an international crisis.
148
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,079
Mary?
149
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:10,800
(SWEEPING ROMANTIC MUSIC)
150
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,719
What...?
151
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,880
What are you doing?
152
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,959
Good on you, Reuben.
153
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,560
You're truly one of
Ray's Great Heroes.
154
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,199
Since Pete Evans
has been fired from MKR,
155
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,559
you may be wondering
what to do with his cookbooks
156
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,519
now that you want to throw them out.
157
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,479
Coming up, learn how to turn
a bone broth infant formula recipe
158
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,319
into a beautiful decoupage
tissue box holder.
159
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,399
Discover the simple joys
of transforming
160
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,199
his beef burrito
for Alzheimer's recipe
161
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,079
into a papier-mache horse.
162
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,159
"Neigh!"
163
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,599
And how to turn
his vaccine-alternative,
164
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:09,279
autism-preventing paleo cookies
165
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,920
into a lovely warming fire.
166
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,719
I never thought
this would happen to me,
167
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,479
but then one day a parcel
just turned up.
168
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,759
It was, um, sort of this big.
169
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,519
I didn't know what it was.
170
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,960
But he took it to the living room
and I suddenly heard the strumming.
171
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:32,000
(UKULELE PLAYS)
172
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:35,319
It's barely an instrument.
173
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,960
It's like a guitar for a hobbit.
174
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:40,559
But he just won't stop.
175
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:44,080
No-one should have to listen to
Riptide 20 times in a row.
176
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,079
My life is like an insurance ad.
177
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,919
VOICEOVER: Does this sound like you?
178
00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:52,319
Then you need the Uke Nukers.
179
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,600
No-mess, no-fuss solutions from
the ukulele-crushing professionals.
180
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,759
Our technicians are trained
to destroy any instrument
181
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,679
on the annoying sound spectrum,
182
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:04,559
from kazoos to bagpipes.
183
00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,360
Even your child's recorder.
184
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:11,919
So, call Uke Nukers today, and
remember, when he starts playing,
185
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,639
we start slaying.
186
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,839
MAN: Hey, that's my marimba!
187
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:17,239
(CRASHING)
188
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:18,600
Call now.
189
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,119
Gary here
from Clam of the Sea Cruises.
190
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,359
Guess what?
191
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,319
None of you pricks bought
any of my cruise ships.
192
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,999
So, now, I'm on the brink
of liquidation.
193
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:37,239
So, for one week only,
I'm holding a cruise ship boot sale.
194
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,999
It's in the boot of a cruise ship!
195
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,839
So, you know this sale
is gonna be massive!
196
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,079
Everything's for sale.
197
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,599
Dining tables from first-class. Sale!
198
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,999
Ballroom chandeliers. Sale!
199
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,039
6,000 showerheads.
200
00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:51,759
Sale, sale, sale!
201
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:52,959
Everything's for sale.
202
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,079
And if that's not enough,
203
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,959
I'll even flog the contents
of the lost property bin.
204
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,279
We've got Dunlop Volleys!
205
00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,839
We've got a Dan Brown book!
206
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,799
We've got 20 kilos of thawed shrimp
from Ugly Dave Gray's dressing-room!
207
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,239
We've got reading glasses
with one of the lenses missing.
208
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,799
We've got Stussi gear.
209
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:10,959
There's heaps of menthol ciggies,
lighters.
210
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,119
We've got a bag full of sick.
211
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,839
The sick's not hot anymore.
212
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:16,759
It's cooled down,
but it's still good!
213
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,479
It's the Clam of the Sea
boot sale clearance.
214
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,399
Because if I'm going down
with the ship,
215
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,120
you'd be crazy not to join me!
216
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:31,679
♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
217
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:35,239
In the world of opera, Andrea Bocelli
is an absolute superstar.
218
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:38,719
He's sold 80 million records
worldwide. Can you believe that?
219
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,679
And I was absolutely over the moon
220
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,999
when he agreed
to perform for us tonight.
221
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,439
I was then decidedly under the moon
when, just two hours ago,
222
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,879
he rang up, for no reason,
and cancelled.
223
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,279
But the show must go on.
224
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:53,399
So, here to perform Puccini's
classic aria, Nessun Dorma,
225
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,639
would you please welcome
the only professional singer
226
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,959
we could find at such short notice?
227
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:00,079
('NESSUN DORMA' PLAYS)
228
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:05,640
♪ Ma il mio mistero e chiuso in me
229
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:12,039
♪ Il nome mio nessun sapra
230
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:17,440
♪ No, no, sulla tua bocca
231
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,480
♪ Lo diro
232
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:27,960
♪ Quando la luce
233
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:33,719
♪ E splendera
234
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,639
♪ Vincero
235
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,839
♪ Vincero
236
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,199
♪ Vincero... ♪
(VOICE CRACKS)
237
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,800
Fuck it!
238
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,519
Fucking opera!
239
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,520
Fucking over-romantic bullshit!
240
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,279
They say racism
is prejudice plus power.
241
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,199
Recently, we've seen the levels
242
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,279
of anti-Chinese sentiment
in this country
243
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,999
multiply times 10.
244
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,399
But by minusing a little bit
of yourself,
245
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,639
you might be able to blend in
and avoid the equation entirely.
246
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,959
The fact is, Aussies love it
when you act like them.
247
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,519
And when you act like them,
you fly under the radar.
248
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,519
Here are a couple of easy ways
you can achieve that
249
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,360
and, in the process...
250
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,559
..stay safe.
251
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,519
When it comes to work, Aussies
don't believe effort equals reward
252
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:25,240
and they are generally lazy
and unaccomplished as a result.
253
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,119
By displaying a good work ethic,
you'll stick out like a horse's dick.
254
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,559
So, don't do that.
255
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:34,959
But do try horse's dick,
which, applied medicinally,
256
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,519
is great for male virility.
257
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,999
Nah, yeah, I can't work today, mate.
258
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,679
Eugene, is everything OK?
259
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:42,879
Yeah, I just don't really care
about how my slacking off
260
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,279
will affect my colleagues
261
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:47,759
or, for that matter, my reputation
in your eyes, going forward.
262
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,239
Look, I'm taking
a mental-health day, mate.
263
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:51,839
So, yeah, just shut the fuck up.
Righto.
264
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,199
See ya, mate. Fucking... coward.
(BLEEP)
265
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,999
I mean, see ya, mate.
266
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,999
If you talk like them,
you'll be accepted by them
267
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,959
and, fingers crossed,
they'll leave you alone.
268
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,879
Try practising some of these
useful expressions
269
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,599
around some of your middle-class
"friends".
270
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,519
Check it out.
I've just changed my Instagram bio
271
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,599
to "Living and working
on unceded Gadigal land."
272
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,919
I'm just trying to do my part.
273
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,399
I've actually been saying for years
274
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,839
that Chris Lilley
should be cancelled.
275
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,239
You guys heard about
Blackout Tuesday, right?
276
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,879
Yeah, I've been blacked out
this whole June.
277
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,599
Just Blackout June.
278
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,959
BOTH: Yes, king.
279
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,519
('BOTANY BAY' PLAYS)
280
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:24,639
So, there you go.
281
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:25,919
By following this advice,
282
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,759
you'll have no trouble placating
these people and their racism.
283
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,919
And you won't have to call yourself
the literal happiest refugee
284
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,119
to do so.
285
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,199
Eugene, you're one of
the good ones, mate.
286
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,840
(OCKER ACCENT) Thank you, mate.
287
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:41,959
(GONG CHIMES AND ECHOES)
288
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,599
(COUGHS) It's just the smoke.
289
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:50,319
Spending long periods of time
in our home can be challenging,
290
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:54,639
not only because
we're social, roaming creatures
291
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:59,679
but because we share our homes
with paranormal entities
292
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,519
and they have unfinished business
to resolve.
293
00:14:02,520 --> 00:14:03,599
Ohh!
294
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,919
Fortunately, today, you have me
295
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,399
to show you how to release
any ethereal beings
296
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,759
and calmly move them on
into the next realm.
297
00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:18,199
Oh! Oh! OH!
298
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,399
Firstly, find that corner
of your house
299
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:25,559
that is lacking in flow
or positive energy.
300
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,079
In order to do this work,
I need to protect myself
301
00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:33,559
by going deep inside
my sacred womb space.
302
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,519
(INHALES)
303
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:41,720
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
304
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,559
(DEEP VOICE) I have arrived.
305
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,519
Once you have arrived
in your sacred womb space,
306
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,839
begin the clearing ceremony
by smudging your home with sage,
307
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:02,599
available from any reputable
herbal apothecary.
308
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,439
Allow yourself to vocalise
during this.
309
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,839
Then ask for the spirits
to present themselves.
310
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,200
(MOANS) Someone's coming through.
He's...
311
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,919
Oh. He's scared.
312
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:19,160
This one, his... his back is to me,
shaking.
313
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:24,119
It seems he's engaging in
some... self-pleasure but...
314
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:28,599
..he can't seem to get good purchase
on his ethereal grunter
315
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:31,320
with those sort of wafty hands.
316
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:37,679
Tell us how we might help you
move on from this realm.
317
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,079
(RAUNCHY MUSIC)
(SQUELCHING)
318
00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,479
Yeah. Are you close?
319
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,360
Oh, you're so hard.
320
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:53,160
(RAUNCHY MUSIC CONTINUES)
321
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,319
♪ You've got the touch
322
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,839
♪ Of love
323
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,759
♪ And I just can't get
324
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,359
♪ Get enough... ♪
325
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,199
Haunt me! Haunt me!
326
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,839
Haunt me!
327
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,439
Yes! Yes!
328
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,480
Ohhhhh!
329
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,480
And... he's free.
330
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,599
So, you can just... just put it there,
thanks.
331
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,760
(PANTS)
332
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,839
Mmm!
333
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,279
VOICEOVER: Coming up on
Grand Designs Revisited...
334
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,639
Lounge?
Nuh. Dining?
335
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,839
When do we eat at home?
Never.
336
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,999
We revisit a couple who made
the big decision to go tiny.
337
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,679
Toilet?
I reckon next to the bed.
338
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,719
Great.
339
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:43,999
We want a house that best suits
340
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,559
our very busy,
very heterosexual lifestyle.
341
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:47,599
Yeah.
342
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,399
Like I've got my yoga.
Capoeira.
343
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,279
You spend a lot of time
in those hotels.
344
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,959
We manage the local chapter
of Pussy Riot.
345
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,959
We're not really 'at home'
kind of people.
346
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,999
Like, when would we ever
need a puzzle?
347
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,039
Just got to do something
about this one with her shoes.
348
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,719
(BOTH LAUGH)
349
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,199
Women!
350
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,599
But in this mouse of a house,
does size matter?
351
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,879
Babe, have you seen the mouthwash?
352
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,759
Ah. Thank you.
353
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:16,759
And has this mini-home
lived up to their huge expectations?
354
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,239
BOTH: We love it.
355
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,559
Yeah, it's our dream home.
356
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,359
We did go over budget.
357
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,719
But we've been spending a lot more
time at home than we were expecting.
358
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,159
So...
Value for money.
359
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,639
We're both still working from home.
It's great.
360
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,600
We can have five people over
for dinner.
361
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,320
(NAIL CLIPPERS CLICK)
362
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:42,799
I guess there are some things I would
prefer to do when she was at work.
363
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,999
(TOILET FLUSHES)
364
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,399
Polo.
365
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,559
Tiny house?
I'll tell you what's TINY!
366
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:49,919
Go diagonally.
367
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:53,360
Babe? Babe? Babe?
368
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,839
Maybe if we moved into your vagina,
we'd have a little bit more room!
369
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,519
Living large, 1.5 metres apart.
370
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,560
Yeah, I don't think they mean that
as a maximum.
371
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,200
I think you've had enough of those.
372
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:12,159
OK, so the bathroom
is actually amazing.
373
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,199
Oh, my God.
374
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,679
Oh...
375
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:17,039
They're just so big.
376
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:18,719
Excuse me. Sorry. Can I, um...?
377
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,839
Wait. No, don't. Why is this here?!
378
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:24,840
Perhaps living large is no small...
Shut up!
379
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:30,679
(SOBS) It's just a really expensive
caravan, OK?
380
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,639
♪ At least I'm Home Alone
together with you. ♪
381
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:36,719
Welcome back.
382
00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,319
You know, it's always been a dream
of mine to host a show
383
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,599
in a completely off-Broadway
time spot, like this one.
384
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,959
With 60 Minutes, I always said
to George Negus,
385
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,879
"Why are we airing this at 7:30
on a Sunday night?"
386
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,799
Up against Alf, no less.
387
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,879
Whereas here, on the ABC,
after 10 o'clock at night,
388
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,959
there's no pressure
to make the show good.
389
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,319
We could put anything to air and
the audience will just be grateful
390
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,399
that it's not another rerun
of Spicks and Specks.
391
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,679
Speaking of which, why hasn't
that show been cancelled?
392
00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:05,359
It's a very racist name.
393
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:06,799
Spicks and Specs.
394
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:10,599
Anyway, here's something
that the young people call content.
395
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,119
The coronavirus has affected us all
in different ways.
396
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,759
I lost my job
at an electronics store.
397
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,439
Not because of the virus.
398
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,119
It was because I stole
seven computers.
399
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,279
So, now I got a job
as a food delivery driver.
400
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,999
As an industry insider,
401
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,079
I'm going to give you
all the tips and advice
402
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,439
on how to get the best value
out of your order.
403
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,600
(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)
404
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,599
There's no prawns in the bush.
405
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,879
Only get fish and chips if a shop
is near a river or an ocean
406
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:41,919
and never ask
what's in a seafood stick.
407
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,240
Nobody knows.
408
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,079
If you're getting chicken wings,
409
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,239
make sure you're getting
value for money.
410
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,399
For example, if you're getting
12 chicken wings,
411
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,839
it should be coming in at
an industry standard of 500 grams.
412
00:19:56,840 --> 00:20:00,200
That's why I bring a scales along
to every delivery.
413
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,479
I like to pair my chicken meal
414
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:05,999
with the streaming service
I'm watching.
415
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,479
KFC is Netflix,
because it's American and shiny
416
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,079
and got all the blockbusters.
417
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,719
Red Rooster is Stan, because
it's Australian, home-grown,
418
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,359
and you know what you're getting.
419
00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,439
And Nando's is SBS On Demand
420
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,680
'cause it's exotic and it's got
a lot of Portuguese people in it.
421
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:27,399
You don't have to be a family
to get a family pack, right?
422
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,519
What if I'm just a hungry guy?
Like...
423
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,559
Alright, my family took off.
Big deal.
424
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,479
You going to stop me from buying
a family pack?
425
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:34,919
No, you can't.
426
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,600
If I want a family pack,
I'm gonna get it.
427
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:42,519
Just feels like the size of pizzas
are shrinking, you know?
428
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,519
They're getting smaller
all the time.
429
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:47,599
You buy a large these days,
it's not as big as it used to be.
430
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,919
Just feels like climate change,
431
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:50,600
but no-one's talking about it,
you know?
432
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,239
Shops never put
enough chicken salt on.
433
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,720
That's why I always bring along
an emergency supply in my bum bag.
434
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,840
Plus, I've also got barbecue sauce
in the glove box.
435
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,240
Thank you for listening to
my presentation.
436
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,999
If you're like me and you quit
your job so you could move to L.A.
437
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,759
with your Norwegian boyfriend,
438
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,839
but then Coronavirus happened,
so instead of living in bliss,
439
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,439
you're living in Australia
with your dad,
440
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,719
then I really feel for you.
441
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,639
But with a bit of positive thinking,
442
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,479
living with your parent as an adult
443
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:39,480
is kind of like being a visitor
in a foreign land.
444
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,879
Welcome to Dad's place -
445
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,959
Casa di Michele.
446
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,519
This exotic destination
has a population of one
447
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,159
but that number doubles
448
00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:54,519
in peak season.
449
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,119
Linda, could you go to the shop
and buy me some milk, please?
450
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,319
The other thing to note
is that the locals speak
451
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,119
a very challenging dialect
452
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,440
that is impossible to understand.
453
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:07,159
(LOUDLY) Hello.
454
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,719
I'm-a so-a sorry,
455
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:14,199
but I don't understand anything
that you are saying to me.
456
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:18,439
Dad's place has a strong
monotheistic culture.
457
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:19,879
The region's one true god,
458
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,239
this beautiful woman.
459
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,159
Shrines dedicated to this goddess
460
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,959
are found all throughout the area.
461
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:33,719
While you're here, get into
the swing of the local fashion.
462
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,319
These designs haven't changed
since the '80s,
463
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,799
so you know they're traditional.
464
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,559
(CLEARS THROAT)
465
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:45,039
It wouldn't be a holiday
without some serious relaxation.
466
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:48,079
Oh, excuse me?
467
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,039
I'm actually a little bit hot.
Would you mind fanning me?
468
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:52,519
Oh, fuck off, Linda.
469
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:54,639
And at the end of a big day,
470
00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,440
treat yourself to a room
at the end of the hallway.
471
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,639
Oh, holy cannoli! Yuck!
472
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:04,279
I'm sorry, I've been asking for
the turndown service every night.
473
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,639
I put the sign on the door.
474
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,119
What sign, daughter?
475
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,719
The one in my head.
476
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,119
And there you have it.
477
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,519
A destination to tempt
any pre-COVID traveller.
478
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:15,319
And if you stick around
long enough,
479
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,159
you might even
become a local yourself.
480
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,999
And you can also pay the rent.
481
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,559
(LAUGHS) See you next time.
482
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,839
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Now, let's say
you need some rations or supplies
483
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:27,799
but you don't want to go
to the grocery store.
484
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,759
That's where the 5G is.
485
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,839
All my food is delivered in cans.
486
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,199
Everything good comes in a can.
487
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,679
You can get nine types of beans,
fruit, hot dogs,
488
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,319
15 types of tuna
and fancy ethnic tuna
489
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,879
and also tinned 'sparagus,
490
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,439
which personally I find offensive,
491
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:46,759
but it takes all folks.
492
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,679
Sure, Y2K didn't happen,
but when Y3K happens,
493
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:50,959
I'm gonna be ready.
494
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,199
Goddamn right.
495
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:53,839
Come get some.
496
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,119
However, if you did neglect
to prepare
497
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,639
for the inevitable Armageddon,
498
00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,359
first of all, you're a dummy.
499
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,520
And, secondly,
it's time for huntin'.
500
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,159
The flying fox or fruit bat
501
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,759
or by its Latin name,
Pteropus Yinpterochiroptera -
502
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,399
with a wingspan of 1.5 metres,
it is not an easy kill.
503
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,119
It's in abundance
in most places in Australia.
504
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,599
Here's how you kill it to eat it.
505
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,439
Now, this should prove
an easier hunt
506
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,119
than my neighbour's cat, Mr Mifkins.
507
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,839
He is my nemesis.
508
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,039
He is a truly worthy adversary.
509
00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:27,479
I have tracked him for days.
510
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,799
I have memorised
the scent of his piss.
511
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,959
I can smell his urine
before it's been urined.
512
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,479
You will not escape me again,
Mr Mifkins.
513
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,399
Step one, cover yourself in bananas.
514
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:41,199
Now, I'm using cable ties
for this,
515
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:44,479
because they're dynamic enough to be
used in a hostage situation
516
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,359
or to dress up like a banana tree.
517
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:49,919
This time... I am the bait.
518
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,719
Step two, arm yourself.
519
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:56,079
Now I prefer dual machetes
'cause in pitch-black,
520
00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,199
there'll be a lot of blind hacking
and slashing and God knows what.
521
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,200
Step three, wait.
522
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:08,519
(INSECTS CHIRP)
523
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:10,479
Here it is. Come to papa.
524
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,359
Ow! Ow!
Goddamn it, you sonofabitch!
525
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,159
Get off me. That's my face.
526
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:18,359
Ow! Leave me alone.
You winged devil!
527
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,999
You goddamn Obama sonofabitch.
528
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,759
Get back here! Goddamn it!
529
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,319
Goddamn, my whole face hurts.
530
00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,239
Ow!
531
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:29,999
I have realised that eating a bat
532
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,359
is what got us into this mess
in the first place,
533
00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:35,719
so I've decided to grant my prey
a stay of execution.
534
00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:39,160
Mr Mifkins, however,
you are on notice.
535
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:45,039
G'day, I'm qualified pastor
Jordan Pryor
536
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,840
from the megachurch Godchurch.
537
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,319
I'm on TikTok.
538
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,399
Thanks to your generous
JobKeeper payments,
539
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,119
Godchurch now has a second
big screen, a popcorn machine,
540
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,319
and an in-church waterslide
for the kiddies.
541
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,359
Incoming splashdown for the Lord!
542
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:03,439
Recently, Jesus has been acting
through our Prime Minister again
543
00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:07,279
to provide you with $25,000
to renovate your home,
544
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,639
which is why
I'm launching GodBuilder,
545
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,839
our new program that allows you
to give your home building grant
546
00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,599
straight up there, to the big bloke.
547
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:18,759
As a qualified carpenter,
Jesus knew what he was talking about.
548
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,839
He was basically
the Scotty Cam of Nazareth.
549
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:21,959
Nailed it!
550
00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,799
N-n-n-n-n-nailed it... remix.
551
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,439
But, Jordan, don't I need a DA?
No, nerd.
552
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:30,759
With GodBuilder, the only permit
you need is God's love.
553
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,239
Bah-boom, bah-boom, bah-boom!
554
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,799
Sorry for calling you a nerd.
555
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,479
So, go on, donate $25,000
to Godchurch today,
556
00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,959
and let us reserve you a spot
in the power tools section
557
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,759
of the big Bunnings store in the sky.
558
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,320
I'm talking heaven, baby.
559
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,319
Well, look, I don't want to be
offensive to South Australians,
560
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:52,839
but why would you want to go there?
561
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,319
VOICEOVER: Oh, come on, Dan.
562
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:55,879
There's plenty of reasons to come
563
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:57,719
to the sunniest state
on the continent.
564
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:01,439
So, pack your bags and take a trip
to the City of Trolleys,
565
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,799
because South Australia
is back in business.
566
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:08,639
There's never been a better time
to take a punt on SA,
567
00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:11,079
and the South Australian
Punting Association
568
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,959
is letting punters take punts
on all sorts of things,
569
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,080
like parking availability...
570
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,560
..divorce settlements...
571
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:22,919
Bitch... Bitch!
572
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,480
Bitch! Bitch!
573
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,320
..and backyard child fights.
574
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:34,080
They're also taking punts
on missing pets:
575
00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:44,319
So, come on down, Aussie punters,
and grab yourself a punt,
576
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,640
because South Australia
is back in business.
577
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,879
♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
578
00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:55,559
Of course, during these tricky times,
579
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,399
Australians have been asking
themselves the same question.
580
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,519
How do we make ourselves
really, really oily?
581
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:05,399
Well, here to answer that
is our resident expert, Mr Oily.
582
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,999
The best way to get really oily
583
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,999
is to cover yourself in oil!
584
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,639
Now I'm really slippery.
585
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:14,199
Whoa!
586
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,079
I'm the slipperiest boy
in the neighbourhood.
587
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,119
Ooh-ahh! Ooh-ahh!
588
00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:21,599
Uhh-ugh!
589
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,359
The rumours are true.
590
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,119
I have muscular dystrophy.
591
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:28,159
And since the global pandemic,
my once rare lifestyle
592
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,839
of laying motionless in bed,
staring at my ceiling,
593
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,760
has gone mainstream.
594
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,999
It's like coronavirus
has made all of you MORE disabled,
595
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,280
which gives ME the power because
I hold the knowledge on how to cope.
596
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:44,559
Because you'll be spending
all your time in your new bed office,
597
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:47,760
you'll want to personalise it,
like I have with this one.
598
00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:50,959
Now, I know what you're thinking.
599
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,679
Won't we have to get up
to go to the bathroom?
600
00:28:52,680 --> 00:28:53,680
No.
601
00:28:53,681 --> 00:28:55,679
This is as far as I ever get.
602
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:58,679
You can upcycle
your own chic urine receptacle
603
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,479
using an old chickpea can
and some Christmas wrapping paper.
604
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,559
Bonus tip - the days can really
blur together when you're at home,
605
00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,519
so to make the weekends
a bit special,
606
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,760
I like to switch
to a fancy wine carafe.
607
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,599
But the weekend's not just
for pissing into a nice vase.
608
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,759
It's for socialising, too.
609
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:19,399
Now, I know it's tough
to have to cancel plans
610
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,399
for reasons out of your control,
611
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,679
but after years of
having to turn down invitations
612
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,439
because I'm fatigued,
613
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,399
I came up with a solution.
614
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,879
Adopt an obnoxious personality
so no-one wants to be around you.
615
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,639
For example, start pronouncing
French words TOO correctly.
616
00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:36,359
'Kwuh-sonn'.
617
00:29:36,360 --> 00:29:38,839
Something I did was tell people
that I wore leg braces
618
00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:40,919
'cause I'm a member
of the steampunk community.
619
00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:42,399
Worked a treat.
620
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:45,159
I became so obnoxious that people
stopped inviting me to parties,
621
00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:47,039
and I got to be on TV.
622
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:48,639
Win-win.
623
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,599
I hope these tips
help you survive this pandemic
624
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,639
and when it comes time
for the next one,
625
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,039
you'll know where to find me.
626
00:29:55,040 --> 00:29:56,600
Right here.
627
00:30:01,000 --> 00:30:03,439
Living in isolation can be lonely.
628
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,879
And while restrictions are lifting,
you can never be too careful.
629
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,319
That's why I haven't seen
another living soul since March.
630
00:30:10,320 --> 00:30:13,239
With a long and lonely winter
just around the corner,
631
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,999
now is the perfect time to build
632
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,399
better, more complex relationships
with our plants.
633
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:20,719
And what better way to lay
the foundations of friendship
634
00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:24,879
than by laying the foundations
of a comfy bed of mulch?
635
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:26,799
G'day, Lem.
636
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,599
Don't be put if your plants
don't warm to you straightaway.
637
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:32,959
That's exactly what mulching
is for. (CHUCKLES)
638
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,759
In warmer climates,
mulching fruit trees like this now
639
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,479
will help to retain moisture
and improve the soil.
640
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,639
It'll also give these guys
the energy they need
641
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,319
for a little bit of rough-housing.
642
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:44,839
(CHUCKLES)
643
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,279
Oh, Lem.
644
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:50,199
But not all plants are as pliant
as old Lem here.
645
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:54,039
Some plants can remain frosty
even after a good mulching.
646
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:55,919
Take this little one, for example.
647
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,879
(MUTTERS) Just sit... Can you just
try and be happy for one day?
648
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:00,799
It can be easy to feel sometimes
649
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:03,479
that these relationships
are a bit one-sided,
650
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,720
especially with some plants.
651
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,839
But don't be disheartened.
652
00:31:08,840 --> 00:31:11,519
Eventually, you work out which plants
are worth your efforts
653
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,720
and which AREN'T WORTH YOUR TIME!
654
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:20,239
Strawberry plants are all bastards.
655
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,439
Doesn't matter how much you mulch,
how much you weed,
656
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:27,159
how much time, love and respect
you put into a strawberry plant,
657
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,119
in the end, it's all
just liquid fertiliser to them.
658
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:33,399
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
659
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:35,080
Did you ever love me?
660
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:39,759
Can't even look at me,
can you, you coward?
661
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:41,879
I hate you! I hate you!
662
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:44,639
(CRIES) Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
663
00:31:44,640 --> 00:31:47,719
Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
664
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:49,519
(CRYING ECHOES)
665
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:51,959
(DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT THUDS)
666
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:54,520
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
667
00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:01,479
Officer... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
668
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,279
It's an accident. See?
669
00:32:03,280 --> 00:32:05,719
We were pruning, and he... he tripped.
670
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,919
Right? Right, guys?
671
00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:10,079
You all saw it.
672
00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:11,880
Lem?
673
00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:16,599
You bastards.
I'm not going down for this.
674
00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:18,400
(GUNSHOT)
Oh!
675
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,400
(SOMBRE MUSIC)
676
00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,440
(SOMBRE MUSIC CONTINUES)
677
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:04,919
♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
678
00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,199
And so we come to the end
of the road.
679
00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:08,799
Thank you so much for watching.
680
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,359
We'll leave you tonight
with a preview of a brand-new show
681
00:33:11,360 --> 00:33:13,439
coming soon to ABC Kids.
682
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,559
Now, if that sounds like
a cross promotion, well, it is.
683
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:18,239
But I'd rather promote this
684
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,519
than whatever rubbish
is coming up straight after us.
685
00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:23,840
Until the next pandemic, goodnight.
686
00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:28,799
Hi, kids. I'm Sani,
the magical hand sanitiser.
687
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,239
And I'm COVI. I'm a virus.
688
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,479
And I'm the reason everyone's sad.
689
00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,679
And today, I'm gonna tell you
why Mummy can't play with you,
690
00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:38,319
even though you're both at home.
691
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,319
Mummy has a job.
692
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,759
What's a job, Sani?
693
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,839
Well, COVI, a job is what you do
to get money.
694
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:47,799
What's money, Sani?
695
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:50,200
To answer that,
I'm gonna have to take you back:
696
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:53,359
♪ A system had to be set up
697
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:56,559
♪ In which two folks could exchange
value and not chickens
698
00:33:56,560 --> 00:33:58,399
♪ And so tokens were arranged
699
00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:01,399
♪ These tokens, they were tradeable
in ways that goats just weren't
700
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:04,679
♪ And so tokens now became the norm
for everything you earnt... ♪
701
00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:07,519
Gee, Sani, that sure does
sound interesting.
702
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,119
But it doesn't answer
why Mummy can't play with me.
703
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,399
Well, COVI...
♪ As humans started trading
704
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:14,519
♪ Their potential only grew... ♪
Wow.
705
00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,399
♪ Demand for goats was rising
and demand for function, too
706
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:20,639
♪ A function like goat-herding
might be outsourced to your neighbour
707
00:34:20,640 --> 00:34:23,879
♪ While you might bake the bread,
and so was born divided labour
708
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,119
♪ This fragmentation of these tasks
gave rise to civilisation
709
00:34:27,120 --> 00:34:30,399
♪ Add 6,000 years
and we hit The Wealth of Nations
710
00:34:30,400 --> 00:34:33,319
♪ Adam Smith said
"Ownership by states is too chaotic"
711
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,839
♪ Let's make all assets free
and call it "modern economics"... ♪
712
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,919
Uh, Sani, is this going anywhere?
713
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:43,239
♪ The world continued growing
and the labour market changed
714
00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:46,319
♪ Jobs that seemed so normal
10 years later look so strange
715
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:47,799
♪ But one thing never wavered
716
00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,399
♪ What an economic quirk
717
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,039
♪ No matter who you are
718
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,799
♪ You'll always have to work... ♪
719
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:55,479
It's making sense, Sani.
I'm getting it.
720
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:57,799
That's the spirit, COVI.
Good for you.
721
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,359
Sani?
Yes, COVI?
722
00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:01,319
Did I make everyone stay home?
723
00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:02,639
You sure did.
724
00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:05,119
But they can still
work from home, right?
725
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:06,999
Some of them, sure.
726
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,319
♪ See, life, it costs you money,
but money gives you life
727
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,439
♪ And so we get to Mummy
who seems glued to her device
728
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,279
♪ But she does this work for you
and now she's doing it from home
729
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,919
♪ So, while Mummy makes the money,
go and play on Mummy's phone
730
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:21,599
♪ Angry Birds, Rubik's Cube
731
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:23,159
♪ Let all the freaks on YouTube
732
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:26,479
♪ Distract you
while Mummy's in the zone
733
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:31,239
BOTH: ♪ Please go play
on Mummy's phone. ♪
56493
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.