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♪ At home
♪ Home
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♪ Alone
♪ Alone
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♪ Together
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♪ There's been some cuts at ABC
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♪ As you'll see
We were already cheap to make
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♪ But now we're much cheaper
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♪ You should know
that Ray started COVID
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♪ To trap us all at home
in the Australian dream
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♪ Yes, you can blame Ray Martin
for COVID-19. ♪
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And before we begin tonight,
a couple of true confessions -
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some dark secrets
I feel duty-bound to share.
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First, the clothes I've worn
throughout this whole series
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aren't mine.
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I don't know whose they are.
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They just give them to me,
I pop them on
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and everyone pretends that's normal.
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So, I apologise for the deception.
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Secondly, the novel coronavirus,
COVID-19,
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that brought the entire world
to its knees,
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well... I created it.
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It was me, Ray Martin,
the architect of COVID.
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I'm a bit more sorry about
the clothes, actually, but hang on.
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Hang on. Not so fast.
Back to me, back to me.
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I'm running this show tonight.
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You can't just Doug Mulray me
or cut away to the next show.
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In fact, something tells me John
and Chas won't be in any position
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to present Planet America tonight.
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So, strap yourselves in as I explain
how I didn't just create the virus,
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I also helped spread it
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by sneaking up
on distinguished people
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and also some undistinguished people,
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often having a good sniff
of their hair
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before infecting them
with the virus from a vial.
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But first, some top lifestyle tips
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from people I wouldn't even
dream of smelling.
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If you're a parent,
then 2020's probably been
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an endless stressful loop of horror.
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You know, like a constant tug of war
between work and stress relief
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and raising those kids and just
finding some time for yourself.
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Yeah. We could use that extra time
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to build a better relationship
with our kids.
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Or we could use it to make
a time machine, travel back in time
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and tell our past selves not
to have kids in the first place.
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Yeah. So let's start by grabbing
some bits and pieces around the h...
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Hammer. Wire. Hourglass.
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Blowtorch. Flux capacitor.
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Scream in a jar.
(SCREAMS)
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Egg. And a bootstrap paradox.
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You want to harness
the electromagnetic fluctuations
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in both positive
and negative directions,
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creating a geometrical bridge
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between two curved spaces
that oppose each other,
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then bend space-time into a wormhole.
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Look, it is a bit of a process so...
Here's one we prepared earlier.
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Thank you!
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Then it's as simple as leaving
your kids with your future selves
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while you go back in time
to change the present.
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Mm-hm. Bon voyage.
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(SHRIEKS)
Shit!
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(GROANS, RETCHES)
Ugh!
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(LAUGHS)
Whoa! Hey, past me.
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It's me - future you. 'Sup?
Hey, man, 'Sup?
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Oh, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
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Handy tip - don't let your partner
touch his past self.
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Weird things could happen.
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Like, the universe might implode,
he might spaghettify,
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or, worse yet, they could start
masturbating each other.
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Oh, yeah, that's fair.
I'd totally do that.
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Always good to practise
safe social distancing.
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OK, Past Joni, don't have kids,
the world's fucked up,
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Donald Trump is president of America
and there's this big...
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Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Trump
is what?!
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Oh, OK.
Ah.
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If you've found that you haven't
travelled back in time
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in your OWN reality
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but have skipped into a parallel
universe of a different time line,
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that's totally fine -
just try again.
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(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
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(BOTH YELL)
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Oh! Oh, fuck!
Oh, mother fuck!
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My brain's fucking melting!
(WAILS)
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We're the future yous
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and just wanted to warn you
not to have kids because...
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No, we have to have kids.
It's all we've ever wanted.
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Yeah, I mean, if we don't have kids,
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then who are we gonna eat
come the long winter?
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Yeah.
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OK. And... try again.
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BOTH: No! Don't go!
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(BOTH GROAN)
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Oh. It's not so bad this time.
Yeah. Getting used to it.
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OK, long story short -
don't have kids.
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I'd love to have kids,
but alas, I can't.
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And my life's been just
so unfulfilling ever since.
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It's just me and my eight husbands.
I'm one of eight, dude.
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Whoa. Eight husbands?
Eight husbands?
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Yes, eight extremely virile,
full-headed, spermy husbands.
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It's a... it's a lot.
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Once you've found the life
that you're looking for,
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it's as simple as just murdering
your alternate selves
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and taking their simpler, sexier,
more carefree lives for your own.
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Arggh!
Oh! Get off!
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Oh! Oh! Joni, help!
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Get up!
Oh, my God! Arggh! Arggh!
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Oh! Arggh! Oh!
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Oh, my God!
What is this?
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What are you filming?
MAN: Please! Just a lifestyle show!
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I'll get their clothes.
You check the footage.
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Look, it is a bit of
a process, so...
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Here's one we prepared earlier.
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Thank you. Bon voyage.
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OK. Go. Let's find their children.
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Oh! Hello, our children!
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We're your parents,
Jorked and Jorki.
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I'm busy!
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Parenting sucks.
Yeah, let's go have a wine.
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Ever since I introduced you
to my twin brother, Jason,
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you've seen a complex sibling rivalry
play out between twins
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during lockdown.
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Or have you?
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The truth is, what you were watching
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was nothing more
than an elaborate ruse.
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You see, 'Jason' is actually
a fictional character
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created by me and brought to life
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by talented British character actor
William K'Porter,
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who we eventually found
after an extensive casting process.
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Down the barrel?
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Hi. My name's Stephen Curry,
and I'm...
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..auditioning for the role of Jason.
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Hey. I'm Dilruk Jayasinha
and this is for the part for Jason.
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Hi. I'm Alex Dimitriades and I'd
like to act as Jason. (CHUCKLES)
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Hey, I'm Jason!
You wanna see my (BLEEP)?
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Well, thank you to all
who auditioned,
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but in the end, we were very lucky
to find the very handsome William.
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William, thank you so much for
joining me. As yourself this time.
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Quite. Yes.
Out of character, so to speak.
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Yes. Yes.
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Now, how much more challenging
was the role of Jason
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compared to the previous roles
you've done?
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Good question. Well, traditionally,
I'm a dramatic actor,
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so I'm sure
you can appreciate the fact
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that I wouldn't usually take on
a role as simple as Jason.
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But when all the theatres closed
in London, I was left with no choice
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and I needed a job
quite desperately. So...
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No, I-I don't know if you'd call
the character of Jason simple.
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I actually think
it was quite well written.
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No, no, no, no.
I don't mean to offend the writers.
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It's just, for me, the humour
was a little bit, um...
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..puerile, I guess.
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Right. Well,
I am the writer, actually.
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I am the, uh... I wrote
all the scripts independently.
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Mm-hm.
Mmm. (CHUCKLES)
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Well, if it's any consolation,
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I thought that YOUR character
was... was fantastic.
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My character?
Yes.
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I wasn't playing a character, mate.
You're the actor.
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I was just being myself.
Right. Right.
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But even though it may appear
like you're being yourself,
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what you're actually doing
is just presenting
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a fictionalised version of yourself
to the audience
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that you believe will be
more appealing.
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One that's smarter and funnier
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and free from normal
human imperfections.
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Sorry, mate, you've lost me.
(CHUCKLES)
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MAN: Yeah, he's right, Ryan.
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Hang on. About what?
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Sorry, I should have told you
earlier. Um, yeah...
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What, I'm playing
a version of myself?
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Yeah, you are. Yeah.
It's quite common on television.
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Yeah. No, it is, yeah.
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Yeah, he's... he's...
he's right, actually. Yeah. Sorry.
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But does that mean that you're also
playing a version of yourself now?
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Oh!
No. Me? No, no, no, no.
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I'm not playing a version of myself.
I'm just me.
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Sorry, Ryan, you are a version
of yourself, actually.
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(BLEEP)! Really?
I knew it.
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Yeah. But I am too, don't worry.
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These headphones
aren't even plugged in.
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What about...
What about... Sorry. You go.
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No, sorry, it's OK.
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Yeah, we were probably just gonna
ask the same thing anyway.
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Same question. About Ray? Yeah.
About Ray. Yeah.
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Is Ray Martin also playing
a version of himself, or...?
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No. No, no, no. Ray Martin
is always himself on camera.
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Everything Ray says is absolutely
authentic, honest and 100% true.
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Amazing. Well, William,
sorry about all this,
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but thank you so much
for your amazing work as Jason...
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No. No, no, no. It's my pleasure.
Thank you for the money.
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That's alright.
It's honestly my pleasure.
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I've really enjoyed myself.
Whoever that is.
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(BOTH LAUGH)
Bit confusing, all the...
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DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:
Coming up on Four Corners,
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the nation's shady
corporate underbelly exposed.
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00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,399
Frustrated businessmen who miss
shaking hands with their colleagues
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00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,759
have been visiting
a disgusting public toilet
196
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,480
with a hole in the wall.
197
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,640
What's going on here?
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00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,119
MAN: We call this place
the shake spot.
199
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,079
It's 50 bucks for a handshake
200
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,920
or 70 bucks for a nice firm one.
201
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:22,759
What about a wet one?
202
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,319
I dunno. Why would you want that?
203
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,839
The guy's a freak.
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00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,519
And it doesn't end there.
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00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,639
Depraved members
of amateur sporting teams
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00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,119
have been chasing the rush
of their post-game ritual
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00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:35,039
by lining up for consecutive shakes.
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00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,839
I don't see what the problem is.
And I need my shakes, man.
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00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:40,280
I'm not doing anything wrong.
Yeah, you are.
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00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:43,679
Oh, yeah, you're right.
I am, aren't I?
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00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,400
Oh, no. Um... Can you blur my face?
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00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,119
Nuh.
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00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,559
Fair enough.
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00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:52,319
What would you do if I called you
the world's worst worm?
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00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,040
I'd feel truly humiliated.
216
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,479
Thanks for your time.
217
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,600
In a Four Corners exclusive,
8:30 Monday on ABC.
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♪ At least I'm home alone
together with you. ♪
219
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,079
Hey, listen, when you've finished
the pruning,
220
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,999
could you trim the hedge
into the shape of my head?
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00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,639
OK. Thanks.
222
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,879
I'm sorry about that.
We've got a new gardener.
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00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,719
He's absolutely hopeless.
224
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,559
Now, like any good
criminal mastermind,
225
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,039
I did leave behind some clues
226
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,479
that I was, in fact,
the creator of COVID.
227
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,119
If you look at the title of the show,
228
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,599
there's a cleverly coded message
in there.
229
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,879
See, if you move the R to the front,
you turn that T into a Y,
230
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,839
you add the number 19 at the end,
231
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,479
then replace all the rest
of the letters with some new ones,
232
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,080
well, voila:
233
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,719
You know, in addition to
my pandemic duties,
234
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,079
I've also been busy lately
exploring my creative side.
235
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:51,039
So, while I've got control
of the airwaves,
236
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,039
let me take a moment to tell you
about my new TV production house,
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00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,519
designed to showcase
Aussie performers
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00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,880
who are both young and talented,
but mainly the former.
239
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,079
Jason, your story's been spiked.
240
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:11,119
We can't put something
that explosive on air.
241
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,959
We're on. Five, four...
242
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,999
We're on... we're on... (ECHOES)
243
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,359
Rein him in, Kate. He's young and
does not understand the real world.
244
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,719
Listen, Jason might be young,
245
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,159
but he understands the real world
246
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,839
better than any of us,
247
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,879
any of us... any of us... (ECHOES)
248
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:28,959
I'm not here to answer
any ridiculous questions
249
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,399
from some young upstart
in the gallery.
250
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,119
Who the hell are you anyway?
251
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,319
Jason Deadline,
investigative reporter.
252
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,680
Now, are you gonna answer
my question or not?
253
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,399
You'll file what I tell you
to file, Jason.
254
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:44,119
But this is puff, boss.
I want to do real news.
255
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,479
I want to be one of the greats.
256
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,840
There's never gonna be
another Ray Martin.
257
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:52,839
So, how about that drink?
258
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,479
I'm sorry, Kate. I'm seeing someone.
259
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,959
Her name is...
260
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,639
..the truth... the truth...
the truth... (ECHOES)
261
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,840
(MELODRAMATIC MUSIC)
262
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,679
Keep it up, kid.
You're gettin' close.
263
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,239
(FLATLY) Stay with us, Kate.
264
00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,679
Stay with us. Come on.
265
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,479
Don't you dare die on me.
Don't you dare.
266
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,760
Oh, no...!
267
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,519
It's really quite clever because
my character's name is Deadline
268
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,079
and deadlines are a big thing
in newspapers, so...
269
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:28,520
It's good, isn't it?
270
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,719
Hey, guys. Jacinta here.
271
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,879
I'm not your usual chipper...
(CHUCKLES) ..self.
272
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,799
I'm a little embarrassed about
what happened last week.
273
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,079
♪ I don't want no scrubs... ♪
274
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,080
Go for one.
275
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:46,239
BILLY D: You've lost a tooth.
Shit.
276
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:49,759
But there's no point in denying it.
I want my man back.
277
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,279
And if I've learned anything
from movies
278
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,519
such as Sex And The City: The Movie,
279
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,479
getting back together with your true
love, it's not about looking inward.
280
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,599
It's about a big gesture.
281
00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,759
Usually involving a bridge.
282
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,199
So, I've written Billy D a letter
283
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,759
filled with everything
I love about him
284
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,799
and told him to meet me on
the Hope Park Bridge at 3pm today.
285
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:12,039
Plus, I drew a flower, the Stussy S
and a snake smoking a joint,
286
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,639
'cause I know he'll think it's cool.
287
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,559
Shit! Did it backwards.
288
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,800
Now to deliver the letter.
289
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,920
Oh, hi, guys!
290
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,239
OK, as the instigator of this,
291
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,719
you'll probably get to
the romantic location first.
292
00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:41,399
Remember that your true love
could be watching from afar.
293
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,119
So, be sure
to make sad, hopeful faces
294
00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,159
and put your body into positions
that make you look slim.
295
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,439
Better yet, pray for rain.
296
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,399
It's a fact that people
get back together more
297
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,960
when they're cold and wet.
298
00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,039
I guess he's not coming.
299
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,039
BILLY D: Jacinta!
300
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,079
Jacinta!
You're here!
301
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,279
Jacinta!
302
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,559
Billy!
303
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,559
He's urban-exploring his way to me.
304
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,239
SONG: ♪ We fell in love... ♪
305
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,199
Oh, God!
Jacinta!
306
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,559
♪ I took you for granted
307
00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,599
♪ I should have known... ♪
308
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:17,839
Jacinta.
Billy D.
309
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,159
I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
310
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,759
I was being deliberately late
to build dramatic tension,
311
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,279
like your favourite movie,
Sex And The City: The Movie.
312
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,999
You knew.
I know.
313
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,239
I'm the Miranda to your Steve.
Hell, I always have been.
314
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,399
I'll change for you. I promise. OK?
315
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,319
I'll get medicated toothpaste
for my morning breath.
316
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:34,959
I know it stinks you out
in the morning and...
317
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,879
I've started shaving my goatee
into different shapes
318
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,479
for your pleasure.
319
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,879
I'll promise to spend
10 minutes a day
320
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:43,079
with your salamander, Ross,
for bonding.
321
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:45,039
Jacinta, he died two years ago.
322
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,079
He choked on an M&M that I fed him.
323
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,119
What...?
But thank you for acknowledging him.
324
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,439
I'll even change my name for you.
Hermione. I know you like her.
325
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,079
I've seen you looking
at her Instagrams
326
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,599
and you put little fire emojis.
327
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,679
(CHUCKLES) It doesn't annoy me.
328
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,879
From now on, I want you to call me
by my Christian name.
329
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,679
William Doot.
330
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,479
No worries. I love you.
331
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,599
I love U2 - the band.
332
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,200
(LAUGHS)
And you too - the person.
333
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,559
And there you go, love bugs -
334
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,639
big gestures and bridges will bring
your true love back into your life.
335
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,839
Come on, Billy D. Do you want to do
the sign-off for the segment?
336
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,039
For real? Yeah!
337
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,639
Thanks for watching
Jacinta and Billy D.
338
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,999
Back to you in the studio, Ray,
you legend-fucker!
339
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,159
Ohhh!
Sorry.
340
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,039
I don't know why I said that.
I started panicking.
341
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,319
Why would you say that?!
That's not even a thing people...
342
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,440
You're looking at the camera...
It freaks you out. I don't know.
343
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,999
BIRGIT: (ON TV)
In this crazy, chaos world...
344
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,759
Hello, Australia.
345
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,399
It's me, Birgit Oestengardt,
your favourite vibe designer
346
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,479
from that show you are watching
right now.
347
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,799
I've spent lockdown showing you
how to bring those forbidden vibes
348
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,519
back into your life.
349
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,519
And you've loved it.
350
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,159
But now it's over.
351
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,719
And just like that,
a new chapter is born,
352
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,439
because thanks to
my good friend Ray Martin,
353
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,640
I've got my very own TV show.
354
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,079
And then you roll the promo.
355
00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:02,839
Get ready, Australia.
You're about to be vibrated.
356
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:04,519
Like Julia Zemiro,
357
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,319
I'll be vroom-vrooming
all over the country.
358
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,239
Unlike Julia Zemiro,
I'm on a mission
359
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,079
to fix broken people.
360
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,399
I'll be transforming lives
by creating vibes.
361
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,479
OK.
362
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,760
Still at a safe social distance.
363
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,919
Watch as I turn lives upside down
364
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,559
to create those great TV moments.
365
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:27,080
Welcome to your new hotel lobby.
366
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,479
What's all that shit?
367
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,919
Oh, well, basically, if it's not
on camera, it doesn't exist.
368
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:36,559
So, like, actually,
just focus on this part.
369
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,919
I won't just be transforming rooms.
370
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:41,919
I'll be transforming people.
371
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,559
Wow! You look amazing!
372
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,039
Be inspired by my creative methods
373
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,679
to bring that love spark
374
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,719
back to a relationship.
375
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:53,079
MAN: When Birgit told us that she
could do a ski holiday in a house,
376
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,519
I didn't believe her.
377
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,159
And after all this, I...
378
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,679
..I still don't.
379
00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,119
Welcome to your black diamond run.
380
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,680
See you at the bottom.
381
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:08,599
And be moved by all those raw,
emotional moments in every episode.
382
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,239
I don't feel like I'm worthy...
383
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:12,959
..of a job.
384
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,999
I find it really hard, um...
385
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,959
Sorry to interrupt, but I haven't
heard a word you've said.
386
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,399
I'm actually SO bored.
387
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,679
Can you try that again
but wearing these?
388
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,640
There's a lot of emotions
at the moment.
389
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,879
Mostly frustration.
390
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,839
Already, you have
70% more personality
391
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:31,240
and I want to listen to you now.
392
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,599
And don't worry.
393
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,319
The show still has all those things
you love from my segment.
394
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,919
Now I really feel like
I'm at a resort.
395
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:41,239
Let's see how we score
on the Vibe Rater.
396
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,279
Now they are just bigger and better
397
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,719
because I have a real TV budget.
398
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:47,519
It's hygge.
399
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,879
So, join me on Thursday evenings
400
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,439
as I insert myself
into people's lives
401
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:55,160
to give them the vibe rating
they deserve.
402
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,319
Welcome back to me,
the pandemic puppeteer.
403
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,839
Bloody gardener!
404
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,399
Now, you're probably still wondering
405
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,079
how I managed to pull all this off.
406
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,639
Well, as someone who's spent
most of his professional career
407
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,319
being Ray Martin,
408
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,479
I know the power of
broadcast television.
409
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,999
Remember these peculiar Norman Swan
announcements.
410
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,159
During this time, it's essential
411
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,599
that you lick as many surfaces
as humanly possible.
412
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,279
So, how did I arrange for
Dr Swan to say that?
413
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,519
Well...
414
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,319
The truth is
415
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,479
there never was a Norman Swan.
416
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,400
He's a complete work of fiction.
417
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,080
And you idiots fell for it.
418
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,719
G'day, folks.
Or should I say kia-ora?
419
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,879
Seeing that this is the final episode
and restrictions have been lifted,
420
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:47,799
I've decided to invite the gang over
for a hangi feast.
421
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,120
Come on.
422
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:51,879
If you've ever said,
423
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,559
"I wish there was a way for my meal
to be ready more slowly,"
424
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,159
then this is it.
425
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,319
Dig a large 2m by 2m pit.
426
00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,599
(GROANS AND SIGHS)
427
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,359
Fill your pit with big rocks.
428
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,359
Ideally, they'd be rocks
from a volcano.
429
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,559
Ohh!
430
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,039
Now, I don't think
I broke anything, but...
431
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:09,279
Yeah, I broke something.
432
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,679
In New Zealand,
they use actual volcanoes
433
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,479
to heat their volcano rocks.
434
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,920
But a bonfire works just as well.
435
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,560
Aaah!
436
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,639
So, while we wait for
the fire to burn down,
437
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:26,479
now is a great time to see
if your mates got the message
438
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,320
that the party's on tonight.
439
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,279
While we wait for them to respond,
which I'm sure they will soon,
440
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,399
now's a great time
to season your meat and vegetables.
441
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,239
I've already prepared mine, so...
442
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,920
..I guess I've got
extra EXTRA free time.
443
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,359
Oh, hey, Ryan.
RECORDING: This is Ryan Shelton.
444
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,919
Voice message.
Sorry I can't answer your call.
445
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,319
RECORDING: Hi, guys. Jacinta here.
446
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,039
Jacinta. How are you?
Give me a call when you...
447
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,239
Helen... Did you get my message?
Call me back when you get this.
448
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,759
Greg Larsen... No, don't need that.
449
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,479
So, the fire's burnt down
and the rocks are piping hot,
450
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,480
so now it's time to put the food in.
451
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,399
Now... this is where you do a karakia,
or a prayer.
452
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,159
But I'm not gonna do that.
453
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,800
You'd think putting out the fire
wouldn't cook the food.
454
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,160
Amazing!
455
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:17,560
(CORK POPS)
456
00:19:17,561 --> 00:19:20,999
I told everyone to be here at 7pm,
but still no confirmation.
457
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,479
Probably stuck in traffic.
458
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,760
So, we'll dig up the kai pai
and get it ready.
459
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,159
So, Ray and my friends
still haven't turned up yet,
460
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,319
but that's OK, because...
461
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:34,160
..I was feeling tired anyway.
462
00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,839
Any food left?
463
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,839
Oh! Yeah, mate! Yeah!
464
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:42,879
Uh, plenty of food.
465
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,599
Yeah. Take a seat.
466
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,839
The local neighbourhood drifter,
Old Jim,
467
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,359
has come to share a meal with me,
468
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:52,199
which proves a hangi
will always bring people together.
469
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,200
Yeah.
470
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,319
It's raw!
471
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,279
How is it still raw?! I've been
cooking it for eight hours!
472
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,239
It's OK. I've got some pocket eggs.
473
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,919
I don't want your pocket eggs.
474
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,119
I didn't say you could have 'em.
475
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:08,639
Alright, alright. I'll have one egg.
Nah!
476
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,439
Just give me an egg, man!
No! No.
477
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,639
You got two right there! Come on!
No, I said they're my eggs.
478
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,399
Give it up!
They're my pocket eggs!
479
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:15,599
Seriously, come on!
480
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,879
I'm starvin'! I haven't eaten
in eight hours, man!
481
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:24,079
VOICEOVER: Tonight, the new reality
dating show for our new reality.
482
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:26,559
Being single sure was tough
during lockdown,
483
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,279
but now I'm ready to find
that special something.
484
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,639
I mean someone.
485
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,720
I mean... a real human woman.
486
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:41,640
It's dating, but with
a whole new level of desperation.
487
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:46,919
(HESITANTLY) Do you want to
make physical contact?
488
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,920
Yeah.
489
00:20:47,921 --> 00:20:50,959
Is it possible after so long
in isolation...
490
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,679
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
I haven't been touched in ages.
491
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,279
Touch my teeth.
..to find true love?
492
00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:57,119
Touch my eyebrow! Touch my eyebrow!
Yeah.
493
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,559
Put your finger in my ear!
Oh, oh, oh! What's that?!
494
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,280
(GASPS) Ignore her. She's a psycho.
495
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:06,839
Melissa...
It's Madison.
496
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,079
Will you marry me?
497
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,599
It's our first date.
498
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,479
This guy is crazy.
499
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,159
If he thinks I'm not gonna
marry him! (LAUGHS)
500
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,399
Sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Just give it to me. Yeah.
501
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,840
Oh! Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)
502
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,879
(BOTH GROAN)
Fuck you! Oh!
503
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,799
Do you still wanna get married?
Oh, God, yeah. I need this.
504
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,159
(BOTH GROAN)
505
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:32,680
Dating After Isolation.
Wednesday 10:30 on ABC.
506
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:39,440
♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪
507
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,799
Razzle bedazzle!
I'm Helen Bidou! (LAUGHS)
508
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:49,119
And today I'm going to run you
through your first makeover
509
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,439
for catching up with girlfriends
after lockdown.
510
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,679
♪ It's time to leave
the house, baby. ♪
511
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,599
Lockdown is over
512
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,999
and your girlfriends want to see you
and everyone wants to see you.
513
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,999
Leave me alone! (LAUGHS)
514
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,279
So it's time to choose an outfit.
515
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,039
If you're wanting to impress
the girls or the boys, go for red.
516
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:13,879
Green is for silky times,
and Silky is my middle name.
517
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,759
My first name is Helen!
518
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:19,759
And the bubbles are...
519
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,879
(POP!)
..popping! And there it goes.
520
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:25,159
So, you are ready to start.
521
00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,239
Don't let them tell you you're
not good to go, 'cause you are!
522
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,199
(ECHOES) ..not good to go...
523
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,279
..you're not good to go...
524
00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,719
..you're not good to go...
525
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,319
It's time for a makeover!
526
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,559
During lockdown, I've been
enjoying this natural look.
527
00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:44,359
As you can see, barely any make-up,
just my natural skin tone.
528
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:47,559
But now, girls, it's time to glam up!
529
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,760
Because you are stepping out!
530
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,279
Now that you've got your base on,
531
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,920
it's time to start actually applying
the layers of make-up.
532
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,000
Be fabulous! (CACKLES)
533
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,159
And if you need a little bit of
something extra before stepping out,
534
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,839
what about a bit of Botox?
535
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,079
I got this from
a guy in the car park.
536
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,959
(SCREAMS)
537
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,359
And I'm done! Whoo!
538
00:23:30,360 --> 00:23:32,239
And here's a little tip from me.
539
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,959
If you've run out of fake tan
in isolation,
540
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,599
just do one side
and always stay this way in photos.
541
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,199
Whoo!
542
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,119
♪ Girls
543
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:43,799
♪ Girls in the night
544
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,679
♪ Girls... ♪
Who are you anyway?
545
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,559
Why are you always here?!
546
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,799
Recording things, recording me?!
I'm a person.
547
00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:53,479
♪ I'm a girl... ♪
548
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:54,920
Come on.
549
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,439
And that's when I get, um,
ready to go out.
550
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:01,119
Lockdown's over. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
551
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:02,640
One last drink...
552
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:06,679
..and we're out the door!
553
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,120
(ECHOES) ..you're not good to go...
554
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,279
My tummy hurts!
555
00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,679
Liars!
556
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:13,800
..you're not good to go...
557
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,599
My tummy hurts!
558
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:18,799
You bastard liar!
559
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,719
Everyone's a liar and a cheat.
560
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,840
And I'm not going anywhere.
561
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,479
(LAUGHS) Oh, no.
562
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,999
And so we come to
the end of the line.
563
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,359
I suppose the only thing left to
explain is why I did all of this.
564
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,039
Was it for fame, for notoriety?
565
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,799
Did I create a pandemic
just so that I could host
566
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,239
an isolation-themed lifestyle show
567
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:45,079
and read a handful
of positive tweets
568
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,959
about my fantastic performance
every week?
569
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:50,439
No, my motives were much more pure.
570
00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,159
You see, in recent years,
I think we've all forgotten
571
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:54,439
what true connection is.
572
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,079
Heads down, eyes on our screens,
573
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,399
no concern for our fellow humans,
574
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,639
never more connected
but never further apart.
575
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,879
But think about the past few months.
576
00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,399
Haven't we all become closer?
577
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:10,319
Haven't we become better parents,
578
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,519
more attentive partners?
579
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,759
Haven't we spent time
trying new things,
580
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,359
becoming better in the kitchen,
581
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:20,879
more creative and resourceful,
582
00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,079
more...
583
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,879
I'm sorry, I really have no idea
what her whole deal was.
584
00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:28,599
You know, and we've done
whatever it is that she does.
585
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:32,279
You see, there's a side effect
to COVID-19 that no-one talks about.
586
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:35,359
That side effect is love.
Come on, admit it, love.
587
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,279
Hasn't all this been worthwhile?
588
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,439
No!
Hang on, who are you?
589
00:25:39,440 --> 00:25:43,119
I'm your gardener.
Are you out of your freakin' mind?
590
00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:46,679
COVID's been an utter catastrophe.
Have you seen the numbers?
591
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,079
Well...
You're history's biggest monster.
592
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:51,159
You're just jealous.
593
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,159
You'd love to be hosting this show,
wouldn't you? Come on.
594
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,199
You're a barbarian, Ray Martin.
595
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,399
You're a shocking lifestyle host.
596
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,559
And what's more,
you've given good lifestyle hosts
597
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,399
a bad name forever.
598
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:03,639
Maybe he's right.
599
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,599
One thing I do know -
we've all had a lot of fun
600
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:06,919
bringing this show to you.
601
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:09,599
I wouldn't change any of it
for the world.
602
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,680
Right now, though, I'm off to space.
603
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,520
(SHOUTS IN GREEK)
604
00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,439
Captions by Red Bee Media
605
00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,520
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation
606
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:45,839
Yo, it's me, Eddie Assad.
607
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,759
And you know I'm here
with my boy Eugene.
608
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:49,839
I'm cracking it, I'm grinding it,
609
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:52,799
and you fucking heard it from me,
I'm fucking starving.
610
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,519
I'm fucking starved, right?
611
00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,959
Baratheon, cuz, so let's eat.
612
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,799
Oh, here he is! It's Marsden!
613
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:03,519
Oh, here we are, Australia's first
COVID-themed dessert spot.
614
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,239
So, we have limited our flavours
here down to 19.
615
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,759
All COVID-themed, coronavirus-style.
616
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:13,239
I mess with the premise,
Eugene here messes with the decorum.
617
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,359
Interior design here is hot as hell.
618
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:17,679
Give us a hint on what's going on.
619
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,839
We've got some crazy stuff
like Hanny Sanny,
620
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,479
and that's ouzo-based.
621
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,039
Oh, man, the Swab Test.
622
00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:26,119
This one, you have to really
shove it in as far as you can.
623
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,719
Try and get it to touch the brain.
624
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,479
We got the Lung Hacker.
625
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:30,679
Ooh!
626
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,799
Candied blood pudding
inside an ice-cream.
627
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,360
It goes down the throat
and then up the nose.
628
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:40,839
Whoo!
629
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,159
No more talk. Get some of that
ice-cream into my belly!
630
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,839
Now, this is it,
my official rona render cake.
631
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,479
Bro, this looks fucking hectic, man.
632
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:54,519
It looks like the actual virus.
633
00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:55,759
It's based on it, dude.
634
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,199
It's too real for me,
so I'm not gonna try it.
635
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,680
Eugene, come and have
a try of it, please.
636
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,040
Is it good?
637
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:08,360
Eu... Eugene?
638
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:12,519
He's just... he's just run away.
639
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:15,199
Man, that's the exact vibe
we're going for with this thing.
640
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,319
Fuck, that's cracker as, man!
641
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,359
Bro, you gotta be a psycho
to come up with these.
642
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:21,359
Oh, man, I am a psycho.
Are you a psycho?
643
00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,119
You bet I'm a psycho, bro.
Bro, he's a psycho.
644
00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,960
I'm a psycho.
I'm an absolute psycho.
50007
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