All language subtitles for At.Home.Alone.Together.S01E07.WEBRip.iview.en

'Home' is a word we so often
take for granted, isn't it?

But over the past few months,
we've seen that our homes

are so much more than
just a place to live.

They offer us safety, security,

a place for families to come together

and look at their phones.

But perhaps
more than anything else...

(DOOR SLAMS)
Oh, shit!

♪ At home
♪ Home

♪ Alone
♪ Alone

♪ Together

♪ My wife just said
she wants a divorce

♪ Unless I get off the sauce
and lose a few kgs

♪ 'Cause I look like a giant baby

♪ First depression
and then recession

♪ My super's worth
less than an arts degree

♪ And you're stuck at home
alone together with me. ♪

Hi, honey. I've locked... locked
myself out again. Yeah, I know.

No, I've got the washing,
it's all here.

Don't worry, I'll sort something out.
Gotta go, gotta go. Love you, too.

Bye. (KISSES)

Sorry, I'm just...

..chatting to George Negus.

He usually has a spare key,
but he's out in the bush the moment.

Do you even need me for this bit?

Can't you just roll the "Coming up",
all that sort of teaser stuff?

Tonight, how to get the best price
for your waterfront home

in order to pay for your child's
new arts degree.

Plus how Sam Newman overtook COVID-19

as the most toxic presence
in Victoria.

And we'll show you
how the sustained cyber attack

threatening Australia's internet

is actually just the NBN.

Now, if you're one of
the thousands of Australians

doing it tough right now,

then I can say with some confidence
that this next segment

won't do anything to change that.

Damn it!

(ORGANIST PLAYS 'WEDDING MARCH')

Post-pandemic life
has so many rules,

it's stifling all our big plans.

Weddings can only have 20 guests.

Funerals, however,
can have up to 50.

Now, that's a party
I want to be invited to.

So, today, I'm going to show you...

(ORGANIST PLAYS 'FUNERAL MARCH')
..how to get round those pesky laws

by giving your big day
a funeral vibe makeover.

When you think about it,

isn't a wedding just a funeral
for your single life?

(BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

Picking your venue is easy.

Just replace
that expensive banquet hall

with a back room at the local RSL.

And because funerals
never have decorations,

this badly carpeted stink-hole
is ready to go as is.

To ensure that your invite
looks like a funeral pamphlet,

make it on the PC computer that your
parents have had since the '90s.

That way, you'll achieve
that classic, homemade,

in a rush,
the day after they died vibe

that all funeral pamphlets have.

Black, black, black and more black.

For the ladies,

grab that little black dress
you have in your closet.

You know the one you bought
because a rom-com told you to?

And for the gentlemen,
just wear what you always wear.

At weddings, there is so much
pressure for the food to be good,

but thanks to your funeral theme,
all you have to do

is throw some little
sandwich triangles on a platter

and you are done.

As we all know, sandwich triangles

are the saddest food item
ever created.

Use an urn as your wishing well

to give your day that authentic
touch of a funeral vibe.

Just make sure
it's not already occupied.

And here are some things
you don't have to change at all.

A church man,

open bar,

excessive flowers,
excessive speeches...

..all of his girlfriends,
from start to finish.

..a drunk uncle,

excessive crying,

carrying a body.

If you do it right,

it could be the happiest saddest day
of your life.

Let's see how we score
on the Vibe Rater.

This vibe rating had taken me
all the way to heaven.

Now there is no pressure
on the best man to be funny,

maybe he actually will be.

Marriage is grand
and divorce is about 100 grand.

Anyway, um...

Lucky we're at a funeral
'cause he just killed the room.

Guys, today's cooking challenge
is all about ethical cooking.

This dal recipe will hug your stomach
and a tree

because all the ingredients
we're using are ethical.

Now, you can't put a price
on an ethical world,

but these ingredients
were unbelievably expensive.

So, I've taken up a couple of
extra jobs to cover the costs.

Soak your locally sourced,
non-GMO lentils overnight.

Rinse, then simmer with recycled
cruelty-free alkaline water,

carbon-neutral turmeric

and fresh, activated tomatoes
from your local farmer's market.

There's something wholesome
about putting your money

back into the community.

(PHONE RINGS)
Oh!

Talk to me. No, no,
don't waste your bullets.

Just ship it out tonight,
I'll deal with the details.

And then heat your
organic coconut oil

and add it to
your fair-trade cumin seeds.

Now, some of you may be wondering,
"Why didn't he use ghee?"

Well, ghee is clarified butter,

and we want to avoid any possibility
of animal cruelty.

(KNOCKS)

Oh, hey, Jim. I'm just
in the middle of, um...

Yeah, yeah, hang on. Righto.

Don't eat it again.

And dice your chillies up
and add them to the cumin seeds.

These chillies are a bit pricey,
but they're certified biodynamic.

And 50% of the profits
go to schools in Tanzania,

so it's worth finding a way
to pay for them.

The longer the dal simmers,
the richer the flavour,

so why not use the simmer time
to get richer too?

That way, you can buy
more ethical ingredients.

(RINGING TONE)

(ROBOTICALLY) Noelene,
this is the ATO...

..Tax Police.

You are in big trouble.

Please put $50,000
in the following bank account.

5-3...

250, 350, 4...

Oh! Hey, folks.

And serve up with a healthy dollop
of macadamia yoghurt.

And there you have it,
my ethical dal.

Yummy-scrummy!

I'm feeling so ethical,

I might donate this
to the local Buddhist monastery,

right after I deal with this guy.

(MUFFLED YELLING)
Where's my money, Tony?!

(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING)

You know, 2020, by any measure,

has been a calendar year.

Anyone lucky enough to have both
children and a good memory,

the challenges of home-schooling
won't be easily forgotten.

Over the past few months,
hopefully with permission,

we followed some students from Perth
during this unprecedented time.

Tonight we tell their stories.

Since April,
students across the country

have been feeling the effects
of lockdown.

Well, the whole situation's
been incredibly disruptive.

I mean, I'd just finished optimising

my extracurricular activities
and my study schedule

to align with my five-year plan.

Now I'll have to schedule in
rescheduling time.

And I'll have to make
a whole new vision board

and then I'll have to schedule in

revisioning time

to create new revision
to the visions

that go on my new vision board.

I'm sure I'm doing
a lot better than Natalie.

She's no-one.

I don't want to make
this pandemic about me,

but it kind of is,

'cause, like, my friends and I
are, like, the ones

everyone looks up to at school.

I'm just really worried
for people at this time

because our group is, like,
the glue of that school

and I'm the glue of that glue.

So, without me,
what are you left with?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Getting sent home from school's,
like, my dream, hey?

And I didn't even
do anything wrong this time.

My mum took one look at
my maths homework and she was like,

"I'm putting on Big Little Lies."

Season two is so shit.

Meryl Streep's pretty hot, though.

Anyway, I spend most my time,
like, in my room

playing video games and, uh...

..like, you know, whatever.

Oh, I'm growing this sick beard.

Can you see my...?

RAY MARTIN:
It's a wonderful beard, Mitch.

And by the looks of those tissues,
you've got a nasty cold coming on.

Get well soon, mate,

and we'll check in with you
and your chums

later in the program.

WOMAN: At Fix Your Face Make Up,

we believe the world has changed.

Lockdown helped us all realise
what's really important in life.

And, spoiler alert, it's not
perfecting your smoky eye.

Society always taught you

that you needed to put on make-up
to be worthy.

But when society broke down,
you, like so many other women,

put your make-up brushes down, too,

and you realised
you never needed make-up.

You were beautiful all along.

Wipe away the last of your facade.

You can stop hiding now.

You're free.

Free to begin our new 18-step,
thrice-daily skincare regime.

Wait, did you think we meant
look your age? (LAUGHS)

We said you could stop wearing
make-up, not be a fucking uggo.

Eww! (LAUGHS)

Your skin needs to look good,

especially now that
you're not wearing make-up.

There's nowhere to hide. And
you're leaving the house now, so...

But don't worry,
we've made it really easy

to look and feel your best.

All you need to do
is buy our new, organic

Fountain Mountain mist cleanser.

And follow it up with our simple
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derived from organic,
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All brought to you
by Fix Your Face Skincare,

formerly Fix Your Face Cosmetics.

Join the Fix Your Face
no-make-up revolution.

If you can afford it.

♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

Being newly single
is about getting out there

and showing the world
that you've moved on.

And what a better way to do that

than by going out on a girls' night
with your best friend, Sophie Monk?!

(LAUGHS)
Hey.

I call her SoMo.

Look at this, I'm wearing
a "best friends" thing

and I bought it for you.

Do you want to put it on?
(HESITANTLY) Cool.

Yeah, it will be fun
because we'll be matching, yeah.

I might put it on later.
OK.

She's not really my bestie.
I've met her once.

She seemed really unhinged, and
I felt sorry for her. So, here I am.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Fun.

And it turns out it was just a rash.

Oh, I'm so sor...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What?
My ex is here.

This is so random.

I had no idea he was gonna be here

or that he DJs here
every Tuesday night.

This is so weird.

Should we leave?
No, no, no.

Stay. Hey, Billy D?

Hi. (LAUGHS)

He doesn't know anything about music.

I swear, that's a Spotify playlist.
It sucks.

Sounds pretty good.

Yeah, I guess.

If you've been in
a long-term relationship,

chances are you've probably neglected
some of your close friends.

What a perfect time to reconnect.

Hey, Sophie... what's been happening
in your world?

Oh, my God, I've been waiting
for you to ask. 'Cause guess what?

He finally asked me...
You know what?

I'm just thinking, empty drinks.
Let's do shots.

Do you know what I mean? 'Cause
it's like, "Wah, let's do shots!"

(LAUGHS) I'll get them.
Shots on me, guys.

Shots for the whole bar.

I'm getting shots.

Should we? Wet pussies, on me?

Do you guys know her very well?
Should I be worried?

In the Uber, she said
she wants to bash a bitch.

Shots!
Ha.

No, I'm cool.
More for me.

Someone's thirsty.

Come on, let's start a dance floor.

Yeah. No, I might just take a seat.

No, no, no, no. No, no. Soph,
come on, let's start a dance floor.

Jacinta, what are you doing?
I'm starting a dance floor.

It's really simple. Come on, Soph.

No.
You love to dance.

Yeah, yeah.
Well... come on. Dance?

Alright, I'm gonna do the robot.

I don't think I've ever
done it before,

but I feel as like
I'm really good at it.

(LAUGHS) Who wants to
see the worm, y'all?

We'll go for one.

(CRACK!)

Hey! What's wrong?
You never seen the worm before?

Oh, babe, are you OK? You...
What?

Jacinta...
What?

..you've lost a tooth.
Oh, shit. For real?

One of the main ones, yeah.

Have a look.

Like I said, she's not
really my best friend.

I met her once at a funeral
of a TV producer

who turned out to be a sex pest.

But she seems like
one of these girls

that has a new best friend
every week.

You know what she needs?

A therapist
and to get out of show business.

Girls' night!

Best way to get over an ex ever,
huh?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

♪ I don't want no scrub

♪ Scrub is a guy that can't
get no love from me... ♪

Sophie, come on, let's do it.

You still look hot.

It's very Tiger King.

RAY MARTIN: One month into lockdown,

our Year 12s are adjusting
to the new normal.

Well, the teachers took
a week to figure out

the online learning platform,

so the public education system
has clearly failed... them.

But once things were up and running,

I actually found that
without any distractions,

I could devote all my time
to studying

and I really levelled up.

Now I'm at the point I could take
apart the code to anything,

like the school's online learning
platform, for instance.

You know, once you're in there,
you can actually change any...

..like, materials or notes,

or grades of a certain someone,
if you want to.

(WHISPERS) I think this is
the best I've ever felt.

I thought I was having a great time,

but one day I was like,
"How many more games can I play?

"How much more tissue
can I go through?

"How many more times
can I admire my sick beard?"

So, I went into my brother's room

and... you know, to draw a dick
on his face,

and he just threw this uni textbook
at me.

And then I just started reading it,

like some kind of pussy
who reads shit,

and now I can't stop thinking about

how the whole tradition of analytical
philosophy is moot, you know?

Like, why the fuck
is no-one talking about this?

Did you know there's
a philosopher called Kant?

Kant!

My parents are taking a fucking
insane approach to home-schooling.

Uh, apparently I can't go on
my devices anymore as much

because it's, like,
"Too much screen time."

Like, sorry, you were born
in typewriter times or something.

Some of us have missed out on
online house parties

and private group chats.

Clearly, everyone's
going through a lot,

so I've decided it's my
responsibility to cheer them up

by organising a little surprise,
like my hero, Gal Gadot.

♪ Imagine all the students... ♪

And I'm gonna, like...
(PHONE RINGS)

This is one of them now. Oh, my God!

Hello? No, it's just, like, you just
gotta record a really short video.

What do you mean it's stupid?

I AM the Gal Gadot of the school.

Hello?

I hate this stupid pandemic!

RAY MARTIN: (CHUCKLES) it is stupid.

We'll catch up with all of our
students a bit later in the program.

You know, it's funny
how life works out sometimes.

But if I've learned anything in my
90-odd years as a journo, it's...

We're taking you live now to the
Australian Institute of Research,

where Dr Beau Thorn
is announcing a discovery.

Thanks for being so patient.

We've just made a breakthrough

and I know that you all
have some questions.

First off, congratulations
on finding a vaccine.

Would you say that this is a great
day for all Indigenous Australians?

I'd say it's a great day
for everyone.

As a Gomeroi man myself,

it's more about the vaccine
than, uh... than my heritage.

Uh, Biff Baker, Sky News.
Sorry, I came in late.

Are you the guy that does
the welcome to country.

(WHISPERS) Is he speaking
Aboriginal?

Hi. Gemma, Junkee Media.

Living and working
on unceded Gadigal land.

I've seen both Adam Goodes
documentaries twice

and I stay and watch
all the credits.

(CLEARS THROAT CONTINUOUSLY) OK.

Just wondering, as a white person,

what can I do to be a better ally
to Indigenous people?

Listen, I know
that you want to help and...

No, no, no, I didn't mean
you to answer that.

I know it's not "your job"
to "educate us".

We're currently seeing a lot of
Black Lives Matters protests

all around the globe,
as the broader community pushes back

against police brutality.
Look...

Do you have any advice
on dealing with police harassment?

I'm not an expert on how to
handle police brutality, yeah?

(SOFTLY) Is it me or is it her?

Anyway, let's keep it about
the vaccine, not about my heritage.

What percentage Aborigine are you?

Gammon, motherfucker.

Listen, this is a vaccine here.

That's what you guys
should be asking me about.

Not about my race. I get
those questions all the time.

It's like, "Beau,
do you have a totem?

"Beau, do you know
how to play the yidaki?"

Yes and yes.

But how the frig is that
relevant at Wet'n'Wild?

No-one's ever asked me
my favourite architecture.

It's brutalism, actually. Brutalism.

I love MONA and I was devastated
when they cancelled Dark Mofo.

Hey, what did he just call me?

You want to talk about race,

well, I've got some questions
for you, yeah?

Like, why is it only white people
wear AIME hoodies, yeah?

What happened to the black mentors?

And why isn't there
clean water in Walgett?

And you know what?
What the hell happened

to the friggin' Uluru
Statement of the Heart, huh?

What a joke that is!
You know what, people?

(CAMERAS CLICK)

(COUGHS)

I don't care!

Is that gonna come back?

This is one of my favourite
places to come,

and whenever I sit here,
I like to reflect on the fact

that I'll never be here
like the rest of my family.

I'll be laid to rest
in a 10-storey gold mausoleum

in the shape of a Logie

that my people are actually
creating at the moment.

But this certainly seems nice enough.

Anyway, here's some... thingo.

Many people in their 60s find
themselves back in the dating game

or wanting to explore
their sexuality.

Today, I'm playing Cupid
for Tony here.

Tony is currently one of my lovers

but, as I've said before,
I have multiple lovers,

and I think Tony should too.

Let's have a look at
the steps you need to take

to become a successful matchmaker.

First, set them up
an online dating profile.

What are some of your interests?

Making love to you, Mary.

Oh, wow. Thank you, Tony.

Thank you for bringing me to arousal
in the shower this morning.

What are some of
your other interests?

Cricket, making sauce.

What are some of your
sexual interests?

Mary.

Yeah.

There you go. Cool.

Tomato.
Yeah, tomato.

Think about other singles in your
life that you can bring together.

(SHOUTS) Hello, Bev!
(BEV GRUNTS)

Everyone's nervous at first,

so break the ice with a bit of
your own dating experience.

He didn't want to kiss on the mouth
because he missed his wife.

I went to Sexpo and I loved it!

One's wetter than the other.

I think breasts are great.

This one guy wanted to dress up
as Sonic the Hedgehog.

I think girls of all ages should
have a nice, big, juicy bum.

One had one penis normal size, and
the other penis was pretty small.

I like Sizzler.
I think it's good value.

Now it's time for you
to exit the scene

and let the new lovers get on alone.

Oh, it's like speed dating.

No. Please don't...

I've left them some suggested
conversation topics on cards

to get them going.

Bit rude.

OK.

What's your dream holiday
that we could go on together?

I'm not going away with YOU.

And she's a slut.

Yes, I am.

Would you like to hear a song

from my internationally renowned
cabaret show,

The 60-Year-Old Slut Goes on Safari?

No way.

Well, there you have it!

(LAUGHS) Bev and Tony
are happy together,

and I am off to find another lover.

Hello. I'm a slut.

(LAUGHS) One mocha please.

Aaron. How's it going?

We've got the whole team
back in the office.

So, where are you, mate?

Uh, Henry, I'm really, really sorry.

As you can see, I'm stuck in
San Francisco, so I can't come in.

Right.

I'd like to see a little bit more of
San Francisco. Can you whip around?

Uh... no.

You're not in San Francisco, are ya?

You know the feeling.

Now the restrictions have lifted,
the office is open again.

But you don't want to go in.

Luckily, I'm going to show you

a quick and simple trick

of how you can stay at home

and leave those pesky office pants

in the drawer, where they belong.

What's your excuse this time?

Well, Hen, I'm actually here
at the Grand Canyon, as you can see.

So, I won't be back for a few weeks.

Uh... turn the camera to the left.

Yeah, sure.

And the right.
Yeah.

Yeah, alright. Yeah, that's fine.

Um...
Take care.

You know...
Bye.

I might see you in a few weeks.

So, you're probably wondering
how I got to Arizona so quickly.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

You can do it, too.

First, you'll need
your regular phone.

That's used to make Zoom calls
to your boss.

Second, you'll need a burner phone.

Use this phone to take
incriminating photos

of a powerful politician's
nefarious activities

that you'll later use
to blackmail them.

You'll be flush with
enough cash to rent...

(SHOUTS) ..a giant curved LED screen

in an even larger warehouse!

You'll want to download your images
from the internet

and put them onto one of these.

It's just a standard USB.

And the beauty is the backgrounds
will look so real,

even you'll be fooled.

You just got punked.

Aaron, it's been three weeks.
Where the hell are you?

Hey, mate, sorry, the reception here
on Pandora is a bit dodgy.

Pandora?
Yeah.

Look, here's a Na'vi.

Je m'appelle Na'vi Princess.

J'habite Pandora.

Well, just let us know
when you get back, I guess.

See ya. Bye.
Bye.

(SIGHS) I can't believe
he fell for it again.

(LAUGHS)

(BELL RINGS)

RAY MARTIN: At last, our students
are back in the classroom.

I was expelled.

Apparently wanting to be successful
is a "federal crime".

And a "state crime".
Really, it's just a lot of crimes.

Like, I think the pandemic
just, like,

made people miss human connection,
which is so important.

But now that we're back and everybody
can see each other in real life

and, like, me,
everything's back to normal.

Can you not?

Yeah, look, I could be in class,
but my mind is free.

The education system is just

an ideological apparatus
of the state.

Or in words... you'd understand,

it's balls.

We'll see who's laughing when I can
access the internet again... in 2032.

Natalie.

It's like nothing's changed
because why would it?

And anybody who does say otherwise
is just a bitch who hates feminism.

(CROW CAWS)

RAY MARTIN: Of course, two days
after filming concluded,

Bembry South High School
was closed once again

due to a major COVID outbreak.

I respect all...

Coming up, is a holiday
still a holiday

if you're stuck at your dad's house
because of coronavirus?

Linda, our travel expert,
has the answer.

It wouldn't be a holiday
without some serious relaxation.

Excuse me, I'm actually
a little bit hot.

Would you mind fanning me?
Oh, fuck off, Linda?

VOICEOVER: Here at Pure White Milk,

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and we're committed to taking actions

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♪ At least I'm home
alone together with you. ♪

Oh, shit, I don't think
this is my house.

Oh, maybe it is. There's that awful
portrait Anh Do did of me.

Can't stand it.

OK, unless you've been living
under a rock for the past few years,

or you actually have a life,

then you'll know my next guest
as the host of Gardening Australia.

He's as famous for his beard as...

Actually that's pretty much
all he's famous for.

He's Australia's
original green thumb,

if you don't count Allan Seale
and Peter Cundall

and the other bloke we can't name.

How are you doing there, Costa?

G'day, Ray. I'm doing great.

And can I just say, I think
you're doing a fantastic job.

Lifestyle TV is not easy.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

And I know you weren't necessarily
the obvious choice as host,

or even the first choice, but...

Listen, can we just get to
the gardening tips, please, Costa?

Yep, absolutely, Ray.

So, tonight I thought I'd show
everyone how to regrow vegies

from kitchen scraps.

Oh, OK.

Uh, what?
Oh, nothing.

It's just that you've already
done this bit on your own show.

Well, yeah, we've done pretty
much everything on my show.

It's been on air for 30 years.

Don't say you thought
this was a Costa exclusive.

No, I wouldn't say I thought -

I'm pretty sure it's actually
in your contract.

Well, I'm ready to go, so...

No, no, you're right,
we can't change it now, can we?

This celery might not

look like much now, but...

"Costa exclusive,"

that was the exact wording.

Sorry, Ray, just trying to...

And here it is again.
It's in clause 12C.

Ray...

I assume you can read
through that beard of yours.

Alright, you want
a Costa exclusive, Ray?

Ray, right now this celery
is just like your show.

It's limp,
there's nothing new about it,

and it leaves a nasty,
stale taste in your mouth.

But like your show, this celery
will be thriving in a few weeks

because the ABC
has asked me to take over...

Alright, we might leave it there.
Thank you.

Costa from Gardening Australia,
demonstrating quite emphatically

why he's barely a Gold Logie nominee
and not a five-time winner.

Well, that's all
the hollow platitudes

that we have time for you this week.

But join me and the team next week
for our final ever show,

with the prime minister himself,
Scott Morrison,

just one of the many big names
whom we haven't invited to join us.

Until then...
(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh, shit! You're fucking kidding me.

Oh, Jesus!

(THUMPING)

Oh, Jesus, where's Negus?
George! Negus!