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1
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- Okay, this is Ruth Litoff's
photography
2
00:00:39,296 --> 00:00:43,337
and a portrait of her sister.
3
00:00:43,421 --> 00:00:47,588
Do you want to talk
about your sister?
4
00:00:47,671 --> 00:00:49,920
- I love my sister very much.
5
00:00:50,004 --> 00:00:52,337
She's probably
the most important person to me
6
00:00:52,421 --> 00:00:55,796
in the world.
7
00:01:11,130 --> 00:01:14,255
- So...
8
00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:16,963
What are your plans
for the storage space?
9
00:01:22,171 --> 00:01:23,963
- What do you mean?
10
00:01:24,046 --> 00:01:25,714
- Um...
11
00:01:25,797 --> 00:01:27,380
Are you gonna look
at the things?
12
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:32,046
When do you think
that you're gonna do that?
13
00:01:35,380 --> 00:01:38,631
- I don't like
to remember things,
14
00:01:38,715 --> 00:01:41,631
and I feel like
all the memories are in there.
15
00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:50,256
Okay, we're gonna do it.
16
00:01:50,339 --> 00:01:52,756
If I throw up on that lens,
17
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,256
are we covered?
- Yeah.
18
00:02:06,590 --> 00:02:08,131
Are you worried that when
19
00:02:08,214 --> 00:02:09,339
I start looking through
this stuff,
20
00:02:09,423 --> 00:02:11,881
that I'm gonna go crazy?
21
00:02:11,964 --> 00:02:14,423
- I worry that you think
you're gonna go crazy.
22
00:02:52,424 --> 00:02:55,674
- You know Jane got me a space
in Brooklyn for three months.
23
00:02:55,757 --> 00:02:57,258
- That's good.
24
00:03:00,508 --> 00:03:02,883
- Hi, I'm Hope.
- Chris.
25
00:03:05,966 --> 00:03:08,008
- Everyone in my
suicide bereavement group
26
00:03:08,091 --> 00:03:11,008
has a storage space
that they can't unpack
27
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,883
of their dead person.
28
00:03:12,966 --> 00:03:14,800
- Are you the first person
to unpack her storage space?
29
00:03:14,883 --> 00:03:18,258
- I'm gonna be the first one.
30
00:03:18,341 --> 00:03:20,924
- Do you think that
this is gonna be helpful?
31
00:03:21,008 --> 00:03:22,341
You feel compelled to do it?
32
00:03:22,425 --> 00:03:24,924
- I feel compelled to do it.
33
00:03:25,008 --> 00:03:26,049
- Clearing everything out?
34
00:03:26,133 --> 00:03:26,966
- Yeah.
35
00:03:30,883 --> 00:03:32,842
It's been six years.
36
00:03:32,924 --> 00:03:35,091
I feel like I've trapped her
in there...
37
00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:42,759
but I think
she's mad at me.
38
00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:45,634
- Why?
39
00:03:45,718 --> 00:03:49,593
- Because I was
a bad sister.
40
00:03:49,676 --> 00:03:52,092
- How were you
a bad sister?
41
00:03:52,175 --> 00:03:54,884
- You're kidding, right?
42
00:03:54,967 --> 00:03:56,467
Not kidding?
43
00:03:56,551 --> 00:03:58,259
- No. I-I-I don't see
how you were a bad sister.
44
00:03:58,342 --> 00:03:59,925
- I didn't s--
45
00:04:00,009 --> 00:04:02,342
- From my perspective, she was
not the greatest sister
46
00:04:02,426 --> 00:04:03,925
in the world.
47
00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:05,925
- But she was sick,
and I wasn't.
48
00:04:06,009 --> 00:04:08,759
- Well, how were you
a bad sister?
49
00:04:08,843 --> 00:04:11,217
- I didn't save her.
50
00:04:32,885 --> 00:04:35,468
- I'll show you where it is.
- Okay.
51
00:04:38,218 --> 00:04:42,719
This hallway feels like
an insane asylum.
52
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:07,303
- In one of her
suicide notes, she said
53
00:05:07,386 --> 00:05:08,886
she definitely wanted
her photographs
54
00:05:08,969 --> 00:05:11,052
to be out in the world
55
00:05:11,136 --> 00:05:13,678
being seen
and being enjoyed by people,
56
00:05:13,761 --> 00:05:16,136
but I'm paralyzed.
I can't--
57
00:05:16,219 --> 00:05:17,553
I can't give them up.
58
00:05:19,344 --> 00:05:21,927
I just need my moment
with all of it.
59
00:05:41,554 --> 00:05:43,637
Do you think that's the last--
- We decided one more trip.
60
00:05:43,721 --> 00:05:45,220
- One more trip? Okay.
61
00:06:01,721 --> 00:06:03,262
Thank you.
62
00:06:20,597 --> 00:06:23,929
- I got everything.
63
00:06:24,013 --> 00:06:26,263
- Kids, you have everything
you need?
64
00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:27,971
- Mm-hmm.
65
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,597
- Ticket?
- Yeah.
66
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,221
- Wallet, cell phone,
everything you need?
67
00:06:31,305 --> 00:06:32,929
- I got everything.
68
00:06:33,013 --> 00:06:35,054
- I'm gonna miss you guys,
but I'm gonna come
69
00:06:35,138 --> 00:06:36,680
in two days.
70
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,054
- Hug and a kiss. Let's go.
71
00:06:38,138 --> 00:06:39,346
- I don't wanna...
72
00:06:44,263 --> 00:06:45,346
- Okay.
73
00:06:47,305 --> 00:06:49,179
Enough hugging and kissing.
Let's go.
74
00:06:49,263 --> 00:06:51,430
- All right, don't be late.
75
00:06:51,513 --> 00:06:53,388
- Bye.
- Bye.
76
00:06:53,471 --> 00:06:56,138
I love you. Safe travels.
- I'll miss you.
77
00:06:56,221 --> 00:06:58,180
- Love you guys.
78
00:06:58,264 --> 00:06:59,806
Save some sand for me.
79
00:06:59,889 --> 00:07:01,097
- Bye, bye, guys.
See you later.
80
00:07:01,180 --> 00:07:03,180
- Bye.
81
00:07:21,472 --> 00:07:24,431
- Stuff was very important
to Ruth.
82
00:07:26,972 --> 00:07:28,972
I mean, everything was
important to her,
83
00:07:29,055 --> 00:07:31,556
and that's why
she saved everything.
84
00:07:33,264 --> 00:07:37,307
I think, if I can look at
what was important to her,
85
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:40,265
I could get some answers.
86
00:07:57,015 --> 00:07:58,223
Ambien...
87
00:08:00,682 --> 00:08:03,724
Lamictal.
88
00:08:03,807 --> 00:08:07,015
- How many times
did she try to kill herself?
89
00:08:07,098 --> 00:08:08,807
- A lot.
90
00:08:08,890 --> 00:08:09,890
Twenty?
91
00:08:15,223 --> 00:08:18,099
"Dear sir/madam,
92
00:08:18,182 --> 00:08:20,016
"I'm writing to you
regarding Ruth Litoff,
93
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:22,182
"who's a patient of mine.
94
00:08:22,266 --> 00:08:25,391
"Ruth Litoff experiences
severe mood swings,
95
00:08:25,474 --> 00:08:27,057
"severe depression,
96
00:08:27,141 --> 00:08:30,474
and profound
suicidal ideation."
97
00:08:35,808 --> 00:08:39,141
I would love to map out
what happened.
98
00:08:42,474 --> 00:08:44,224
I can't ask my parents,
99
00:08:44,308 --> 00:08:45,974
because they're both dead.
100
00:08:50,182 --> 00:08:54,141
But I feel like Ruth's stuff
has clues in it.
101
00:09:00,851 --> 00:09:02,434
Do you see that piece
right there?
102
00:09:02,517 --> 00:09:03,933
- Yeah.
103
00:09:04,017 --> 00:09:05,350
- What's really special
about this
104
00:09:05,434 --> 00:09:07,350
is this is the front...
105
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:14,726
but here's the secret message
to me.
106
00:09:14,809 --> 00:09:16,517
The...
107
00:09:16,601 --> 00:09:18,100
blowing of the bubbles, like,
108
00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:20,475
maybe something we would do
as kids,
109
00:09:20,559 --> 00:09:23,684
and then there's also sort of
110
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:28,933
foreshadowing of dying,
111
00:09:29,017 --> 00:09:31,809
sort of when you would be
"forever dancing."
112
00:09:41,810 --> 00:09:44,560
Growing up with
a mentally ill person,
113
00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:47,852
it was a little bit like
comedy and tragedy.
114
00:09:49,934 --> 00:09:52,727
It was such
a confusing illness,
115
00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:56,310
because she could be
so debilitated
116
00:09:56,393 --> 00:09:59,727
and so magnificent.
117
00:10:02,059 --> 00:10:04,393
When we were young,
118
00:10:04,476 --> 00:10:06,476
I absolutely idolized her.
119
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,310
I wanted to be like her.
120
00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:10,768
I wanted to dress like her.
121
00:10:10,852 --> 00:10:13,976
I wanted to be able
to do art like her,
122
00:10:15,893 --> 00:10:18,060
She was the master
of everything,
123
00:10:18,144 --> 00:10:20,519
and I was her assistant.
124
00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:22,977
I would sort the Lego pieces
125
00:10:23,060 --> 00:10:25,394
and then she would build
the castle.
126
00:10:25,477 --> 00:10:28,144
And I was so young.
I was, like--
127
00:10:28,227 --> 00:10:29,686
She could've been
a cult leader,
128
00:10:29,769 --> 00:10:32,436
she was so charismatic.
129
00:10:32,519 --> 00:10:34,811
We used to play
this really fun game
130
00:10:34,894 --> 00:10:37,185
when my parents would go out.
131
00:10:37,269 --> 00:10:40,352
She was three years older,
so she could babysit me,
132
00:10:40,436 --> 00:10:42,352
and we would do everything
133
00:10:42,436 --> 00:10:43,769
we weren't allowed to do
in the house,
134
00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:46,060
which was not
that many things.
135
00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:48,436
We would eat ice cream
in bed,
136
00:10:48,519 --> 00:10:50,227
and every time the phone rang,
137
00:10:50,311 --> 00:10:51,519
we would just pick it up
138
00:10:51,603 --> 00:10:53,644
and scream into the receiver.
139
00:10:55,269 --> 00:10:56,935
That was really fun.
140
00:10:58,437 --> 00:11:00,812
She taught me how to draw.
141
00:11:00,895 --> 00:11:02,604
This was a huge deal.
She taught me
142
00:11:02,687 --> 00:11:04,645
how to draw a profile,
143
00:11:04,729 --> 00:11:06,353
and I was the only kid
in the class
144
00:11:06,437 --> 00:11:08,936
who knew how to draw
a profile.
145
00:11:09,020 --> 00:11:10,729
When she started
taking photographs
146
00:11:10,812 --> 00:11:12,520
when we were really young,
my dad built her
147
00:11:12,604 --> 00:11:14,312
a darkroom in the closet,
148
00:11:14,395 --> 00:11:16,478
and she would stay in there
for hours
149
00:11:16,562 --> 00:11:19,395
and she would print
the same photograph
150
00:11:19,478 --> 00:11:20,978
over and over again,
151
00:11:21,061 --> 00:11:22,437
and then she would show them
to me,
152
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,061
and it was almost
like a test--
153
00:11:24,145 --> 00:11:26,353
which one of these
is the best one--
154
00:11:26,437 --> 00:11:28,312
and I would really want to
get it right,
155
00:11:28,395 --> 00:11:29,854
and then she would
explain to me
156
00:11:29,936 --> 00:11:32,395
why this one was better
than this one,
157
00:11:32,478 --> 00:11:34,478
and it was really cool.
158
00:11:34,562 --> 00:11:38,479
It was really cool
to have a sister like that.
159
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:46,146
In high school,
160
00:11:46,229 --> 00:11:48,521
she was very popular.
161
00:11:48,605 --> 00:11:50,187
She also had
162
00:11:50,271 --> 00:11:53,146
a fabulous figure.
163
00:11:53,229 --> 00:11:55,979
Captain of all
the sports teams.
164
00:11:56,062 --> 00:11:57,688
I would sit on her feet
165
00:11:57,771 --> 00:11:59,937
so she could do 100 sit-ups
every night.
166
00:12:00,021 --> 00:12:02,771
- What was her title?
Like...
167
00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:05,062
Like, she--
wasn't she, like, the best shot
168
00:12:05,146 --> 00:12:08,021
in the United States
of America under 13
169
00:12:08,104 --> 00:12:11,021
or something?
- The best shot in America
170
00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:12,271
for 16 and under
171
00:12:12,354 --> 00:12:14,146
with a .22 rifle.
172
00:12:16,062 --> 00:12:18,314
She was always gonna be
the winner.
173
00:12:18,397 --> 00:12:22,230
Whatever contest
or competition or art project,
174
00:12:22,314 --> 00:12:25,147
she was going
to come in first.
175
00:12:26,938 --> 00:12:30,355
I mean, there wasn't anything
she couldn't do.
176
00:12:30,439 --> 00:12:33,564
That's what makes it
so hard to understand.
177
00:12:35,397 --> 00:12:36,856
- I never really feel
pressure.
178
00:12:36,938 --> 00:12:38,980
I never feel like
I have to do something
179
00:12:39,063 --> 00:12:42,147
to prove myself.
I never have to prove myself.
180
00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:45,272
But I think it would be
exciting,
181
00:12:45,355 --> 00:12:46,980
I think, to start all over.
182
00:12:47,063 --> 00:12:48,938
I sometimes wish I could just
183
00:12:49,022 --> 00:12:50,439
wash the slate clean,
184
00:12:50,522 --> 00:12:52,522
just start all over again.
185
00:13:01,732 --> 00:13:04,273
- Oh, here it is.
186
00:13:08,398 --> 00:13:10,607
I found her on
187
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:13,023
December 12, 2008.
188
00:13:14,773 --> 00:13:17,356
I got a call from
one of Ruth's best friends,
189
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:20,398
who said, "I haven't heard
from Ruth in three days,"
190
00:13:20,481 --> 00:13:22,857
and I pretty much knew.
191
00:13:22,939 --> 00:13:25,148
- I remember,
guys were walking down the hall
192
00:13:25,231 --> 00:13:27,690
with axes to break
the door down.
193
00:13:30,898 --> 00:13:33,857
And then,
the police let us in.
194
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,231
It sounds like
a strange thing to say,
195
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:38,816
but she had made it
196
00:13:38,899 --> 00:13:41,524
as beautiful as one of
her photographs.
197
00:13:44,441 --> 00:13:45,858
I saw her shoulder.
198
00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,649
I didn't want to look at
her face.
199
00:13:48,733 --> 00:13:51,357
- I remember all of the
letters around.
200
00:13:51,441 --> 00:13:53,733
- There were notes everywhere,
201
00:13:53,816 --> 00:13:56,733
and she tried to remember
all the people she loved
202
00:13:56,816 --> 00:13:59,190
and left them presents.
203
00:13:59,274 --> 00:14:01,190
- There were Post-it notes
on things
204
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,566
saying what to do with them.
205
00:14:03,649 --> 00:14:05,732
- The police officer
said to me,
206
00:14:05,815 --> 00:14:07,732
"I've never seen anything
like this."
207
00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:14,898
And then, there was my note.
208
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:19,232
It was...
209
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,399
loving,
210
00:14:21,482 --> 00:14:24,858
kind,
211
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:26,816
even optimistic...
212
00:14:30,316 --> 00:14:32,482
and in very small handwriting,
213
00:14:32,566 --> 00:14:34,774
off to the side,
214
00:14:34,858 --> 00:14:37,899
she wrote "I know you know,"
215
00:14:37,982 --> 00:14:40,691
and I have no idea
what that means.
216
00:14:43,357 --> 00:14:44,482
- Are you trying to find
217
00:14:44,566 --> 00:14:45,774
some sort of objective truth
218
00:14:45,858 --> 00:14:47,441
about, uh--
219
00:14:47,524 --> 00:14:48,940
about what happened,
or her life?
220
00:14:49,024 --> 00:14:52,065
I mean, is that
what you're looking for?
221
00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:53,566
- Yes.
222
00:15:05,108 --> 00:15:08,567
Why Ruth and not me?
223
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:11,191
Why was Ruth sick
and I wasn't sick?
224
00:15:11,275 --> 00:15:12,941
We had the same parents.
225
00:15:15,025 --> 00:15:18,983
My dad was very, sort of,
1950s, "Mad Men."
226
00:15:19,066 --> 00:15:21,483
You know, you work hard,
you play hard,
227
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:24,317
you're not that involved
with the children.
228
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,358
My mom really got
the brunt of it.
229
00:15:27,442 --> 00:15:28,983
Lots of drama.
230
00:15:29,066 --> 00:15:31,983
Whatever mood Ruth was in
was the mood
231
00:15:32,066 --> 00:15:34,483
the whole family
was gonna be in.
232
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,191
The message,
very early on, was,
233
00:15:37,275 --> 00:15:38,651
"Be on high alert,
234
00:15:38,735 --> 00:15:40,151
"don't create any waves,
235
00:15:40,234 --> 00:15:42,484
"don't upset your sister,
236
00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:44,818
and don't make it worse."
237
00:15:46,776 --> 00:15:49,151
We looked perfect
on the outside,
238
00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:51,901
but we were rotting
on the inside.
239
00:15:54,318 --> 00:15:55,693
I dealt with it
240
00:15:55,776 --> 00:15:57,318
by disappearing
241
00:15:57,401 --> 00:15:59,484
into drugs and alcohol.
242
00:15:59,568 --> 00:16:01,151
Ruth dealt with it
243
00:16:01,234 --> 00:16:04,776
by demanding more
and more and more,
244
00:16:04,860 --> 00:16:07,735
and if she didn't get
what she wanted,
245
00:16:07,818 --> 00:16:10,067
she would threaten
to kill herself.
246
00:16:14,151 --> 00:16:15,735
Her first attempt--
247
00:16:15,818 --> 00:16:18,193
she was 16 and I was 13,
248
00:16:18,277 --> 00:16:20,902
and she begged me
to sleep in bed with her.
249
00:16:22,319 --> 00:16:23,943
When we woke up,
250
00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:26,777
I found out that she had
taken a bottle of pills.
251
00:16:29,569 --> 00:16:31,360
What if I woke up
252
00:16:31,444 --> 00:16:33,777
and my big sister was dead?
253
00:16:33,861 --> 00:16:36,444
We were in the same bed,
and I didn't know.
254
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:54,235
Now that I've started
the project,
255
00:16:54,319 --> 00:16:56,861
I don't sleep very well.
256
00:16:56,943 --> 00:17:00,069
Thinking about my sister a lot.
Um...
257
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:02,445
I'm in a fight with my husband,
258
00:17:02,528 --> 00:17:05,445
because he says
that I'm depressed,
259
00:17:05,528 --> 00:17:09,820
but I think that I am
260
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:11,570
just grieving.
261
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:13,320
Think it's really hard
for him to understand.
262
00:17:13,403 --> 00:17:17,445
He hasn't lost
a parent.
263
00:17:17,528 --> 00:17:21,236
He even has
a great-grandparent in her 90s.
264
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,778
I feel like he hasn't
even lost a hamster.
265
00:17:23,862 --> 00:17:25,737
I feel like
you enter a club
266
00:17:25,820 --> 00:17:28,778
when one of your parents dies,
267
00:17:28,862 --> 00:17:31,528
and until one of your parents
dies,
268
00:17:31,612 --> 00:17:34,028
you don't know
what it's like,
269
00:17:34,111 --> 00:17:37,111
but when you enter
the suicide club
270
00:17:37,194 --> 00:17:40,945
it's a very...
271
00:17:41,029 --> 00:17:43,446
small club,
272
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,571
elite club.
273
00:17:45,654 --> 00:17:47,446
"Elite" sounds almost positive,
274
00:17:47,529 --> 00:17:49,446
but I don't mean it that way.
275
00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:53,279
I'm just--mean that...
276
00:17:53,362 --> 00:17:55,987
Uh, I don't--
277
00:17:56,070 --> 00:17:59,654
I don't know if
civilians can get it.
278
00:18:10,487 --> 00:18:12,904
- Have you just
been coming here alone?
279
00:18:12,987 --> 00:18:14,070
- Yeah.
280
00:18:17,112 --> 00:18:18,988
- Wow, it's really big.
281
00:18:19,071 --> 00:18:20,322
Oh, my God.
282
00:18:20,405 --> 00:18:23,322
- A lot of stuff, right?
- A lot of pills.
283
00:18:23,405 --> 00:18:26,196
- Yeah.
284
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,196
- That's crazy.
285
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,988
- That's only from 1999
until she died in 2008.
286
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,405
- How old was she
when she killed herself?
287
00:18:35,488 --> 00:18:37,488
- 42.
288
00:18:37,572 --> 00:18:40,780
- Why would she
save them all?
289
00:18:40,864 --> 00:18:43,447
- I think she wanted to--
290
00:18:43,530 --> 00:18:44,988
I have two theories.
I think she wanted
291
00:18:45,071 --> 00:18:46,946
to make an art project
out of them,
292
00:18:47,030 --> 00:18:49,405
but I also think
she just wanted proof
293
00:18:49,488 --> 00:18:51,322
as to how hard
she had been trying
294
00:18:51,405 --> 00:18:53,071
to get well.
295
00:18:53,155 --> 00:18:55,363
- And you did this?
- Yes.
296
00:18:55,447 --> 00:18:57,406
- What pills are they?
What are they?
297
00:18:57,489 --> 00:18:58,989
- Look at them.
298
00:18:59,072 --> 00:19:00,656
Feel free.
299
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,031
- Ambien...
300
00:19:02,114 --> 00:19:05,364
- That's a sleeping pill.
301
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,072
- Dextrostat...
302
00:19:07,156 --> 00:19:11,323
- Lithium, I think,
is for bipolar disorder.
303
00:19:11,406 --> 00:19:14,989
- Dex--more dextrostat.
304
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:19,031
You should get rid of
all of these immediately.
305
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:20,781
- Why do you think
I should get rid of them?
306
00:19:20,865 --> 00:19:22,489
- Because I don't think
you should have
307
00:19:22,573 --> 00:19:24,364
the temptation to take them.
- I'm not.
308
00:19:24,448 --> 00:19:26,239
- This is just crazy.
309
00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:27,364
- Right?
310
00:19:27,448 --> 00:19:29,947
And none of these helped her.
311
00:19:30,031 --> 00:19:32,072
- Zolpidem.
312
00:19:32,156 --> 00:19:35,406
This is nuts.
- That's Ambien, too.
313
00:19:35,489 --> 00:19:37,449
That's the generic name.
314
00:19:37,532 --> 00:19:39,157
- Holy shit.
315
00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,782
Just throw them all out.
316
00:19:40,866 --> 00:19:42,240
- No, I can't throw them out.
317
00:19:42,324 --> 00:19:44,699
This was her lifeline.
318
00:19:44,782 --> 00:19:46,407
- But you...
319
00:19:46,490 --> 00:19:48,616
Being sober for 16 years,
320
00:19:48,699 --> 00:19:50,741
I'm just,
as your lifelong friend,
321
00:19:50,824 --> 00:19:52,240
scared for your well-being.
322
00:19:52,324 --> 00:19:53,699
- I'm not gonna take them.
323
00:19:54,990 --> 00:19:57,073
Let me help you,
however I can.
324
00:19:57,157 --> 00:19:58,574
It's a lot of
beautiful artwork.
325
00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,782
- They're incredible, right?
- Yeah.
326
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:03,240
I mean, I always remember
being blown away.
327
00:20:03,324 --> 00:20:06,157
So there's stuff
from every series here?
328
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,407
- Yeah, and I don't know--
329
00:20:07,490 --> 00:20:10,115
did you ever see the kids?
330
00:20:10,198 --> 00:20:12,574
These are some of
her earliest works.
331
00:20:12,657 --> 00:20:16,157
I believe she started them
when she was 17.
332
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,450
- Oh, my God.
- Look at these kids.
333
00:20:18,533 --> 00:20:20,116
- Yeah, that's great.
334
00:20:20,199 --> 00:20:21,617
So you don't know how she--
where she went
335
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:22,867
to take these pictures?
336
00:20:22,949 --> 00:20:24,116
- She was brave.
She would walk
337
00:20:24,199 --> 00:20:25,575
all over the city
338
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:28,116
and ask anyone
to take their photograph.
339
00:20:28,199 --> 00:20:30,825
I mean, look at the portrait
of this kid...
340
00:20:30,908 --> 00:20:32,366
- Yeah.
341
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:34,283
- It's almost like
342
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:35,783
you would want to say
343
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,283
he's on the verge of
losing his innocence,
344
00:20:38,366 --> 00:20:41,867
but I would say
it's already lost.
345
00:20:44,366 --> 00:20:46,783
I mean, I love this,
these two angry girls
346
00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:48,867
with that huge smiley face.
347
00:20:50,366 --> 00:20:52,908
- "E.T. dies over overdose."
348
00:20:52,991 --> 00:20:54,408
- That's... ironic.
349
00:20:54,491 --> 00:20:56,074
- I mean, look how young
they are.
350
00:20:56,158 --> 00:20:57,701
They're babies.
351
00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:01,075
- I mean, look at those kids.
352
00:21:01,159 --> 00:21:03,284
- Yeah.
353
00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:04,743
- Right?
354
00:21:04,826 --> 00:21:06,034
- Yeah.
355
00:21:10,367 --> 00:21:11,909
- It's very Molly Ringwald.
356
00:21:11,992 --> 00:21:13,159
- Yeah.
357
00:21:15,409 --> 00:21:19,826
- She did so many
different styles.
358
00:21:27,868 --> 00:21:29,743
- You walk into
that apartment,
359
00:21:29,826 --> 00:21:31,992
and it was like
a candy store of art.
360
00:21:32,075 --> 00:21:34,826
I mean, her--
not only just her photographs
361
00:21:34,909 --> 00:21:35,868
all over the place...
362
00:21:38,118 --> 00:21:39,785
but she'd make these--
363
00:21:39,869 --> 00:21:41,368
she'd have the little drawings
364
00:21:41,452 --> 00:21:43,243
and she'd make these
little tchotchke things
365
00:21:43,327 --> 00:21:45,535
that she'd put all over
the place,
366
00:21:45,619 --> 00:21:49,076
sad and searching...
367
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:51,410
- Very fragile.
- But also very inspiring
368
00:21:51,493 --> 00:21:53,368
and uplifting
at the same time.
369
00:21:56,827 --> 00:21:58,160
- Come here.
370
00:22:04,535 --> 00:22:07,285
- It's so impressive to me
371
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:11,535
that Ruth was able
to feel the pain
372
00:22:11,619 --> 00:22:17,076
and continue to be creative.
373
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,536
Many times, she would
fall into
374
00:22:20,620 --> 00:22:22,328
such a deep depression
375
00:22:22,411 --> 00:22:25,745
that she would feel like
suicide was the only answer,
376
00:22:25,828 --> 00:22:28,745
and then, when she woke up
in the hospital,
377
00:22:28,828 --> 00:22:32,161
she felt much better,
378
00:22:32,244 --> 00:22:34,494
and she was happy
she was alive.
379
00:22:41,994 --> 00:22:45,411
I can tell this one's
very delicate.
380
00:22:45,494 --> 00:22:49,202
I think your sister
drew this.
381
00:22:49,286 --> 00:22:50,911
Did she draw this?
382
00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:52,161
- Mm-hmm.
383
00:22:52,244 --> 00:22:55,578
- I will be very gentle
with it.
384
00:22:55,661 --> 00:22:58,162
The sides of the pages
are yellow.
385
00:22:58,245 --> 00:23:01,329
- What does that tell you?
- That it's very old.
386
00:23:01,412 --> 00:23:03,579
- You really like that book?
- Yeah.
387
00:23:03,662 --> 00:23:08,495
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sweetie.
388
00:23:25,871 --> 00:23:28,454
- You can't go through
and read all of her journals.
389
00:23:28,537 --> 00:23:29,662
- Why not?
390
00:23:29,746 --> 00:23:32,078
- 'Cause that's just crazy.
391
00:23:32,162 --> 00:23:34,495
- She left them for me
to read.
392
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,537
If she didn't want
anyone to read them,
393
00:23:36,621 --> 00:23:38,330
she would have thrown them
away.
394
00:23:47,246 --> 00:23:49,330
To tell you the truth,
I was so, like,
395
00:23:49,413 --> 00:23:51,538
blacked out
for everything,
396
00:23:51,622 --> 00:23:53,996
and she took
such precise notes
397
00:23:54,079 --> 00:23:55,830
on what happened,
398
00:23:55,913 --> 00:24:00,163
I'm finally looking
at what happened.
399
00:24:00,246 --> 00:24:02,330
- And why are you wanting
to look now?
400
00:24:04,622 --> 00:24:06,830
- Just want to
understand her more.
401
00:25:38,333 --> 00:25:41,791
Do you know who made
this artwork right here?
402
00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:43,082
- No.
403
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:44,957
- Do you want to know?
- Yeah.
404
00:25:45,041 --> 00:25:46,249
- My sister.
405
00:25:46,333 --> 00:25:47,625
- Uh-huh.
406
00:25:47,708 --> 00:25:49,082
- Do you know her name?
407
00:25:49,166 --> 00:25:51,499
- Ruth?
- Mm-hmm.
408
00:25:54,041 --> 00:25:55,999
You know who made
that artwork right there?
409
00:25:56,082 --> 00:25:57,999
- Ruth?
410
00:25:58,082 --> 00:25:59,666
- You going to guess Ruth
for everything now?
411
00:25:59,750 --> 00:26:03,041
- Yeah.
412
00:26:03,124 --> 00:26:04,583
- Who made this?
- Ruth.
413
00:26:04,666 --> 00:26:07,625
And those pictures
are of my mother.
414
00:26:07,708 --> 00:26:08,625
- And you.
415
00:26:08,708 --> 00:26:10,207
- No, not me.
416
00:26:10,291 --> 00:26:11,999
- You're over there.
417
00:26:12,082 --> 00:26:14,875
- That's my mom in the window,
when she was a little girl.
418
00:26:22,208 --> 00:26:25,292
My mother was very afraid
of her own mother,
419
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:28,667
our grandmother,
who we never met,
420
00:26:28,751 --> 00:26:31,167
and her name was Ruth,
421
00:26:31,250 --> 00:26:36,083
and my mother
named her first daughter Ruth,
422
00:26:36,167 --> 00:26:39,500
which is a traditional thing
to do.
423
00:26:39,584 --> 00:26:43,500
Then I come along,
and she names me Hope.
424
00:26:43,584 --> 00:26:45,500
I'm named after her father,
425
00:26:45,584 --> 00:26:47,917
who she adored.
426
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:49,375
- When Ruthie was born,
427
00:26:49,459 --> 00:26:50,958
she was a very demanding child,
428
00:26:51,042 --> 00:26:52,167
very difficult child.
429
00:26:52,250 --> 00:26:53,292
When you were born,
430
00:26:53,375 --> 00:26:55,459
it was the total opposite.
431
00:26:55,542 --> 00:26:57,375
Your mom had
a very hard time.
432
00:26:57,459 --> 00:26:59,710
She had a very hard time,
and
433
00:26:59,793 --> 00:27:02,335
I even recall
your mom telling me
434
00:27:02,418 --> 00:27:05,918
about times when
she was taking her to the park,
435
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:07,752
and if she met a friend
in the street,
436
00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:09,460
and wanted to stop and talk,
437
00:27:09,543 --> 00:27:12,752
Ruthie would start to scream
and yell in the carriage.
438
00:27:12,835 --> 00:27:14,543
Then mom would have to run.
439
00:27:14,627 --> 00:27:18,835
Two different--completely
different--children from birth.
440
00:27:18,918 --> 00:27:20,460
From birth.
441
00:27:23,209 --> 00:27:25,376
- And I remember
being a little kid,
442
00:27:25,460 --> 00:27:28,209
not knowing anything
about mental illness,
443
00:27:28,293 --> 00:27:29,793
or knowing that Ruth
was struggling
444
00:27:29,877 --> 00:27:31,543
with any problems, and saying,
445
00:27:31,627 --> 00:27:36,209
"Why does she
keep asking me if I love her?
446
00:27:36,293 --> 00:27:38,836
I just told her yesterday."
447
00:27:38,919 --> 00:27:40,836
She would ask me
over and over again,
448
00:27:40,919 --> 00:27:42,753
and then she would often
449
00:27:42,836 --> 00:27:45,169
give me these tests of love.
450
00:27:45,252 --> 00:27:47,461
She would say, "If I die,
451
00:27:47,544 --> 00:27:50,294
would you shave your head?"
452
00:27:50,377 --> 00:27:51,836
We were just kids,
453
00:27:51,919 --> 00:27:54,878
and I would say,
"Yes, I'll shave my head."
454
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,461
She would say, "If I die,
455
00:27:56,544 --> 00:27:57,919
"will you take my ashes
456
00:27:58,002 --> 00:28:00,586
"and mix them with clay
457
00:28:00,669 --> 00:28:02,044
"and make me into a pot
458
00:28:02,127 --> 00:28:04,628
and put flowers in
every day?"
459
00:28:04,711 --> 00:28:08,419
And I would say,
"Yes, I'll do that."
460
00:28:08,502 --> 00:28:11,586
That's what breaks my heart
the most.
461
00:28:11,669 --> 00:28:13,085
When I see her friends,
462
00:28:13,169 --> 00:28:14,336
they say, "You know,
463
00:28:14,419 --> 00:28:15,794
your sister really loved you,"
464
00:28:15,878 --> 00:28:18,920
and what I really want them
to say is
465
00:28:19,003 --> 00:28:22,211
"Your sister knew that
you really loved her."
466
00:28:28,670 --> 00:28:31,295
She wanted us to be twins,
467
00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:33,670
have a secret language,
468
00:28:33,754 --> 00:28:35,503
and at a certain age,
469
00:28:35,587 --> 00:28:38,837
that started
to feel suffocating to me,
470
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:40,462
and I don't think she liked it
471
00:28:40,545 --> 00:28:44,754
when I wanted to be
my own person.
472
00:28:44,837 --> 00:28:47,378
That was taken as rejection,
473
00:28:47,462 --> 00:28:50,795
when it--it really was
just normal growing up.
474
00:29:43,255 --> 00:29:44,505
Were you sleeping?
475
00:29:44,589 --> 00:29:45,922
- I'm not sleeping.
476
00:29:46,005 --> 00:29:49,047
- Can I have a kiss?
- Mm-hmm.
477
00:29:49,130 --> 00:29:51,756
Ugh. That was a lick!
478
00:29:51,839 --> 00:29:53,380
- Okay, I just wanted
479
00:29:53,464 --> 00:29:55,213
to know where you were.
I'm sorry.
480
00:29:55,297 --> 00:29:56,380
- Hi.
481
00:30:00,380 --> 00:30:03,464
- She's really afraid that
482
00:30:03,547 --> 00:30:06,505
she's Ruth in the making,
483
00:30:06,589 --> 00:30:09,672
and I'm terrified.
484
00:30:09,756 --> 00:30:11,714
The doctor told me
485
00:30:11,797 --> 00:30:13,505
when my children turn two,
486
00:30:13,589 --> 00:30:15,547
that I was going to be
reminded of my sister,
487
00:30:15,631 --> 00:30:17,213
because people who have
488
00:30:17,297 --> 00:30:20,214
personality disorders
like Ruth's
489
00:30:20,298 --> 00:30:21,423
and two-year-olds
490
00:30:21,506 --> 00:30:25,048
have a lot of similarities.
491
00:30:25,131 --> 00:30:28,715
I worry about their health,
492
00:30:28,798 --> 00:30:31,256
I worry about their sanity,
493
00:30:31,340 --> 00:30:33,006
their sobriety.
494
00:30:33,089 --> 00:30:39,964
I feel like I gave them
a really bad hand of DNA.
495
00:30:40,048 --> 00:30:42,423
- Our children
don't have that problem.
496
00:30:42,506 --> 00:30:45,923
Our two-year-old is not--
have any mental issues.
497
00:30:46,006 --> 00:30:47,381
She's two,
498
00:30:47,465 --> 00:30:49,298
and I blame Ruth
499
00:30:49,381 --> 00:30:53,214
for your concern about, like,
having to worry about that.
500
00:30:53,298 --> 00:30:54,964
I'm sitting in our kitchen,
501
00:30:55,048 --> 00:30:58,132
talking about how Ruth
affects how we parent our kids.
502
00:30:58,215 --> 00:30:59,758
Like, I don't--
503
00:30:59,841 --> 00:31:02,758
- There's a genetic component.
504
00:31:02,841 --> 00:31:04,007
- Uh, I guess.
505
00:31:04,090 --> 00:31:07,758
- You never worried about it?
506
00:31:09,341 --> 00:31:10,591
- Whee!
507
00:31:10,674 --> 00:31:11,841
- Smiling!
508
00:31:26,924 --> 00:31:31,299
- It's Christmas Eve,
and I'm at my in-laws' house
509
00:31:31,382 --> 00:31:32,799
in Los Angeles.
510
00:31:32,883 --> 00:31:37,132
It's five days after
511
00:31:37,215 --> 00:31:40,300
Ruth was buried,
512
00:31:40,383 --> 00:31:41,675
six years ago.
513
00:31:41,759 --> 00:31:43,091
Um...
514
00:31:43,175 --> 00:31:46,175
To--this is always
a hard time for me,
515
00:31:46,258 --> 00:31:49,300
and my...
516
00:31:49,383 --> 00:31:51,133
2 1/2-year-old daughter--
517
00:31:51,216 --> 00:31:54,091
just out of the blue, she
518
00:31:54,175 --> 00:31:57,133
decides to pronounce that
519
00:31:57,216 --> 00:31:58,759
Mommy doesn't love her,
520
00:31:58,842 --> 00:32:01,133
but Daddy loves her very much.
521
00:32:01,216 --> 00:32:02,842
I don't know
if this is something that
522
00:32:02,925 --> 00:32:05,342
a normal two-year-old says,
523
00:32:05,425 --> 00:32:08,300
but it actually
really hurt my feelings.
524
00:32:11,091 --> 00:32:13,425
Merry Christmas.
525
00:32:16,759 --> 00:32:20,426
So it turns out,
I'm totally the crazy one.
526
00:32:23,509 --> 00:32:25,967
The baby went down
to the party
527
00:32:26,051 --> 00:32:28,551
and she cried that
528
00:32:28,635 --> 00:32:30,509
she wanted Mommy
to put her to bed,
529
00:32:30,593 --> 00:32:32,676
and I said to her,
530
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:36,384
"No, you like Daddy,
531
00:32:36,468 --> 00:32:39,926
not Mommy."
532
00:32:40,009 --> 00:32:42,718
My husband got so mad at me.
533
00:32:42,801 --> 00:32:44,967
He was like,
"You're the adult."
534
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:51,551
I couldn't help it
535
00:32:51,635 --> 00:32:53,676
that my feelings
were really hurt.
536
00:32:57,719 --> 00:33:01,427
My crazy makeup
isn't helping anything.
537
00:33:01,510 --> 00:33:04,469
I look crazy, feel crazy.
538
00:33:07,135 --> 00:33:11,719
But what kind of two-year-old
says,
539
00:33:11,802 --> 00:33:14,552
"Mommy doesn't love me.
Only Daddy loves me."
540
00:33:14,636 --> 00:33:16,719
Is that normal?
541
00:33:28,719 --> 00:33:31,135
You knew Ruth in high school,
542
00:33:31,218 --> 00:33:33,594
and now you're a therapist.
543
00:33:33,677 --> 00:33:36,844
I just really want
to talk to an expert like you.
544
00:33:36,927 --> 00:33:39,678
- The biggest fear
that a lot of parents have is
545
00:33:39,762 --> 00:33:42,303
"Am I going to inherit
546
00:33:42,386 --> 00:33:45,511
you know,
these mental illnesses?
547
00:33:45,595 --> 00:33:47,136
Is that going to happen
to my child?
548
00:33:47,219 --> 00:33:49,136
both: Like, is that going
to happen to my child?
549
00:33:49,219 --> 00:33:50,803
- Right, that's a--
- Sarah, tell me...
550
00:33:50,887 --> 00:33:53,261
- That's a big--
- Is gonna happen?
551
00:33:53,345 --> 00:33:55,094
- Well, if mental illness
exists in the family,
552
00:33:55,178 --> 00:33:56,428
there is gonna be
553
00:33:56,511 --> 00:33:58,887
a possible
genetic predisposition
554
00:33:58,969 --> 00:34:00,762
to having the mental illness
555
00:34:00,845 --> 00:34:03,470
be expressed in a child.
556
00:34:03,553 --> 00:34:04,845
Can I ask you a question?
557
00:34:04,928 --> 00:34:06,428
Was there any diagnosis
given to her
558
00:34:06,511 --> 00:34:07,969
when she was going to therapy?
559
00:34:08,053 --> 00:34:10,511
- Very often, she was given
the diagnosis
560
00:34:10,595 --> 00:34:12,637
of bipolar disorder.
- Okay.
561
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:16,303
- But from what I've read
and my experiences,
562
00:34:16,386 --> 00:34:18,137
she seems much more
563
00:34:18,220 --> 00:34:19,638
borderline personality
disorder.
564
00:34:19,721 --> 00:34:21,846
- Mm-hmm, mm-hm.
- For example, like,
565
00:34:21,929 --> 00:34:23,304
that seem to be
566
00:34:23,387 --> 00:34:24,804
something missing in
567
00:34:24,888 --> 00:34:29,137
feeling love and--
and holding onto that.
568
00:34:29,220 --> 00:34:31,888
- So borderlines
569
00:34:31,970 --> 00:34:34,387
never, ever feel fulfilled.
570
00:34:34,471 --> 00:34:37,220
It's chronically empty.
571
00:34:37,304 --> 00:34:39,304
They're constantly trying to
572
00:34:39,387 --> 00:34:44,054
figure out how to be fulfilled,
and they'll never get it.
573
00:34:44,137 --> 00:34:46,262
My guess is that Ruth,
574
00:34:46,346 --> 00:34:48,304
you know, during
the '80s and '90s,
575
00:34:48,387 --> 00:34:51,179
that there was not enough
research done
576
00:34:51,262 --> 00:34:52,638
right, on borderline,
577
00:34:52,721 --> 00:34:53,929
so she probably
578
00:34:54,012 --> 00:34:55,512
received the medication
that she need
579
00:34:55,596 --> 00:34:57,137
to deal with the symptoms,
580
00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,305
but then, there was no other
treatment that happened.
581
00:35:00,388 --> 00:35:02,639
Since it's not just about
582
00:35:02,722 --> 00:35:06,513
doing the medical treatment
to cure the symptoms.
583
00:35:06,597 --> 00:35:09,180
It's also about doing
the further investigation
584
00:35:09,263 --> 00:35:12,388
of the evolution of the family
585
00:35:12,472 --> 00:35:13,680
as a unit.
586
00:35:13,764 --> 00:35:16,138
- Right.
587
00:35:19,096 --> 00:35:20,889
Do you know the story
behind these albums?
588
00:35:20,971 --> 00:35:22,513
- No.
- Ruth decided
589
00:35:22,597 --> 00:35:24,513
she wanted to make
these photo albums.
590
00:35:24,597 --> 00:35:28,221
My parents weren't necessarily
interested in having her do it,
591
00:35:28,305 --> 00:35:30,180
but she made them pay her
592
00:35:30,263 --> 00:35:32,764
to make them.
593
00:35:32,847 --> 00:35:35,221
Yikes.
594
00:35:35,305 --> 00:35:37,972
- That Ruth goes from
- Yeah. That.
595
00:35:38,056 --> 00:35:41,389
- My grandmother.
Literally my grandmother,
596
00:35:41,473 --> 00:35:43,181
and then you turn the page,
597
00:35:43,264 --> 00:35:46,514
and it's like, "Oh, whatever.
Nude picture of my boyfriend."
598
00:35:46,598 --> 00:35:48,056
- And these are the albums
she made for your parents.
599
00:35:48,139 --> 00:35:51,389
- Yes, that they had to
pay for.
600
00:35:51,473 --> 00:35:53,348
- Ooh, Rolex shot.
601
00:35:53,431 --> 00:35:55,556
- It looks like my mom
is loving him,
602
00:35:55,640 --> 00:35:57,222
but she's really loving...
- She's not.
603
00:35:57,306 --> 00:35:58,473
- The Rolex.
- She's waiting for the watch.
604
00:35:58,556 --> 00:35:59,723
She got it going on.
605
00:35:59,806 --> 00:36:01,890
She knows what time it is.
606
00:36:01,972 --> 00:36:05,181
She really, you know,
picked herself up, and...
607
00:36:05,264 --> 00:36:07,056
your mother had a horrible
childhood.
608
00:36:07,139 --> 00:36:09,723
- I know.
609
00:36:09,806 --> 00:36:13,723
My mom came from
a very poor family,
610
00:36:13,806 --> 00:36:15,431
and I think that
very early on,
611
00:36:15,514 --> 00:36:17,973
she realized that
the way she looked
612
00:36:18,057 --> 00:36:20,140
gave her some power.
613
00:36:20,223 --> 00:36:22,849
With this power,
she was gonna get out of
614
00:36:22,932 --> 00:36:25,599
her bad situation in Brooklyn
615
00:36:25,682 --> 00:36:27,973
and looks became
very important to her.
616
00:36:29,724 --> 00:36:31,474
My mom was always on a diet.
617
00:36:31,557 --> 00:36:35,599
She was a lifetime member
of Weight Watchers.
618
00:36:35,682 --> 00:36:38,599
If she gave us each
a piece of cake,
619
00:36:38,682 --> 00:36:40,932
Ruth and I used to say,
620
00:36:41,015 --> 00:36:42,766
"You gave her
the smaller piece.
621
00:36:42,849 --> 00:36:44,182
You love her more."
622
00:36:46,349 --> 00:36:50,349
My mother's beauty
really did work in her favor.
623
00:36:50,432 --> 00:36:53,223
She was a model
in the garment district,
624
00:36:53,307 --> 00:36:56,057
and she married my father
625
00:36:56,140 --> 00:36:59,141
and helped him build
his business
626
00:36:59,224 --> 00:37:02,308
until she had
the Manhattan lifestyle
627
00:37:02,391 --> 00:37:03,808
that she really wanted,
628
00:37:03,892 --> 00:37:06,183
and then could give her
children
629
00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:07,974
the things that
she always wanted
630
00:37:08,058 --> 00:37:09,808
to have herself.
631
00:37:09,892 --> 00:37:13,183
And some of them
were a little superficial.
632
00:37:13,266 --> 00:37:16,808
Like, she always wanted to have
blonde hair and blue eyes,
633
00:37:16,892 --> 00:37:19,266
and then...
634
00:37:19,350 --> 00:37:20,892
Well, like, in this picture,
for example,
635
00:37:20,974 --> 00:37:23,308
this is totally... twisted.
636
00:37:23,391 --> 00:37:25,892
She dyed my sister's hair
blond when she was five.
637
00:37:25,974 --> 00:37:28,141
- Oh, my God.
638
00:37:28,224 --> 00:37:30,683
And there begins the problems.
639
00:39:09,561 --> 00:39:13,770
- It looks like
she liked this one a lot.
640
00:39:13,853 --> 00:39:15,811
It's nice and mushy.
641
00:39:17,977 --> 00:39:21,645
An adult with stuffed animals
was very her.
642
00:39:33,478 --> 00:39:35,019
I don't know,
it's like--
643
00:39:35,102 --> 00:39:37,353
this is stuff--for babies.
644
00:39:39,937 --> 00:39:42,562
It's just...
645
00:39:46,270 --> 00:39:48,270
It's like, all this stuff--
like, she was just
646
00:39:48,354 --> 00:39:51,228
trying to be happy, like a kid.
647
00:39:54,771 --> 00:39:57,312
I mean, look at this
Hello Kitty pencil case.
648
00:39:57,395 --> 00:39:58,604
Come on.
649
00:40:01,062 --> 00:40:03,020
She wrote her name
on the inside,
650
00:40:03,103 --> 00:40:06,145
like a five-year-old.
651
00:40:12,395 --> 00:40:16,437
I'm at a friend's house.
652
00:40:19,104 --> 00:40:21,855
I don't know if everyone
does this,
653
00:40:21,938 --> 00:40:23,188
or just drug addicts,
654
00:40:23,271 --> 00:40:25,063
but I found this.
655
00:40:27,355 --> 00:40:29,188
This is...
656
00:40:29,271 --> 00:40:30,979
really making me want to
657
00:40:31,063 --> 00:40:34,938
throw away 17 years
of sobriety.
658
00:40:45,104 --> 00:40:46,979
Around 14,
659
00:40:47,063 --> 00:40:50,146
my girlfriends and I
snuck our first drink,
660
00:40:50,229 --> 00:40:53,688
and I had
this amazing feeling of
661
00:40:53,772 --> 00:40:56,104
"I don't know what's wrong
with me,
662
00:40:56,188 --> 00:40:59,521
but this is the cure."
663
00:40:59,605 --> 00:41:01,897
I was a blackout drinker...
664
00:41:03,979 --> 00:41:06,938
and I have blackout memories.
665
00:41:07,021 --> 00:41:08,480
I don't remember
all the times
666
00:41:08,563 --> 00:41:10,313
she tried to commit suicide.
667
00:41:10,396 --> 00:41:14,647
I--I have memories of when
the police would arrive,
668
00:41:14,730 --> 00:41:18,396
but I don't remember
the order.
669
00:41:23,688 --> 00:41:26,188
My dad was a heavy drinker.
670
00:41:26,271 --> 00:41:27,979
I drank with him.
671
00:41:28,063 --> 00:41:29,480
That was the only thing
I had in common
672
00:41:29,563 --> 00:41:31,146
with my father.
673
00:41:33,355 --> 00:41:37,731
That was not seen
as unusual in my house.
674
00:41:39,814 --> 00:41:43,773
And he also introduced me
to Percocet,
675
00:41:43,856 --> 00:41:45,272
and he would say to me,
676
00:41:45,356 --> 00:41:47,439
"Want half a Percy, Hopie?"
677
00:41:47,522 --> 00:41:49,272
He would give me
half a Percocet
678
00:41:49,356 --> 00:41:51,898
and we would drink.
679
00:41:51,980 --> 00:41:53,439
So many times,
680
00:41:53,522 --> 00:41:55,606
Ruth would be in the hospital,
681
00:41:55,689 --> 00:41:56,939
and he would say to me,
682
00:41:57,022 --> 00:41:58,939
"Just be happy. Have a drink,"
683
00:41:59,022 --> 00:42:02,856
and my mom would look at me
pleadingly
684
00:42:02,939 --> 00:42:05,522
and say, "You're happy,
right?"
685
00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:07,980
and I knew the only answer was
686
00:42:08,064 --> 00:42:10,189
"Yes, Mommy, I'm happy."
687
00:42:11,980 --> 00:42:14,439
- You always did
pretend to be happy,
688
00:42:14,522 --> 00:42:16,230
and I know why:
689
00:42:16,314 --> 00:42:19,106
because your mother
had a full plate.
690
00:42:19,190 --> 00:42:22,273
Ruthie took so much of
her energy and love.
691
00:42:24,565 --> 00:42:26,981
There were so many times that
692
00:42:27,065 --> 00:42:28,649
your mom rescued her.
693
00:42:30,607 --> 00:42:32,398
I know there was one
on a ledge.
694
00:42:32,482 --> 00:42:34,482
Wasn't there one
that she got on a ledge?
695
00:42:44,023 --> 00:42:46,357
Your mom had no life
696
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,565
and apparently,
Ruthie couldn't live in
697
00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:50,649
the one we had, she had,
698
00:42:50,732 --> 00:42:53,649
and I felt sad,
699
00:42:53,732 --> 00:42:56,565
and I'm gonna cry.
700
00:42:56,649 --> 00:42:59,608
But, she recovered
701
00:42:59,691 --> 00:43:02,941
to make further attempts,
702
00:43:03,024 --> 00:43:05,733
and, um...
703
00:43:05,816 --> 00:43:09,191
I mean, she just couldn't find
her way in this world.
704
00:43:25,066 --> 00:43:27,691
- Hi, I was hoping I could
speak with Detective Cozzi.
705
00:43:27,775 --> 00:43:29,149
- You can sit out--
You can sit out and wait.
706
00:43:29,232 --> 00:43:30,399
He'll probably come back.
707
00:43:30,483 --> 00:43:32,191
That's about it.
- Thank you.
708
00:43:32,274 --> 00:43:34,524
The woman in the records room
709
00:43:34,608 --> 00:43:38,317
who found--who actually
did find the record
710
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,692
basically told me that
711
00:43:40,776 --> 00:43:43,525
there was nothing else
I needed to know
712
00:43:43,609 --> 00:43:48,400
and when I expressed
that I needed closure,
713
00:43:48,484 --> 00:43:50,942
she recommended that I
714
00:43:51,025 --> 00:43:53,359
seek out
the Jehovah's Witnesses
715
00:43:53,442 --> 00:43:55,901
at jw.org,
716
00:43:55,983 --> 00:44:00,233
and I was told to come back
at 12:00.
717
00:44:00,317 --> 00:44:02,609
- Ruth Litoff?
- Yes, that's my sister.
718
00:44:10,567 --> 00:44:13,317
- You're the one that--
- I requested the report.
719
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:14,776
- Is that correct--the name?
720
00:44:14,859 --> 00:44:16,525
- Yes.
- Okay, so here it is.
721
00:44:16,609 --> 00:44:18,109
- It's right here?
- Yeah, it's the whole package.
722
00:44:18,193 --> 00:44:19,526
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
723
00:44:19,610 --> 00:44:22,652
- I really appreciate it.
724
00:44:32,568 --> 00:44:35,652
What the detective told me
was really painful.
725
00:44:35,735 --> 00:44:37,902
He said that
my sister died in pain,
726
00:44:37,984 --> 00:44:42,109
and I shouldn't look in
the pictures.
727
00:44:42,193 --> 00:44:44,109
I don't know--
728
00:44:44,193 --> 00:44:45,818
I don't really know
how to deal with
729
00:44:45,902 --> 00:44:47,526
my feelings about this.
730
00:44:47,610 --> 00:44:49,652
It's very upsetting.
731
00:44:59,861 --> 00:45:03,069
Thinking about drinking.
732
00:45:03,152 --> 00:45:07,110
I mean, what's the big deal?
733
00:45:07,194 --> 00:45:09,653
I got out of it before.
734
00:45:19,903 --> 00:45:22,152
I just ordered
a double vodka on the rocks,
735
00:45:22,235 --> 00:45:24,152
with two olives.
736
00:45:24,235 --> 00:45:25,402
Thank you.
737
00:45:25,486 --> 00:45:27,027
- You're welcome.
738
00:46:34,946 --> 00:46:37,279
Thank you.
739
00:46:42,946 --> 00:46:46,571
First drink in 16 years.
740
00:46:46,655 --> 00:46:48,613
- Good or bad?
741
00:46:48,696 --> 00:46:49,821
- Bad.
742
00:47:08,489 --> 00:47:10,322
- What's that?
743
00:47:10,405 --> 00:47:14,739
- This is like her own version
of a Joseph Cornell box,
744
00:47:14,822 --> 00:47:17,697
with little different
strange treasures
745
00:47:17,781 --> 00:47:19,614
that mean something to her.
746
00:47:19,697 --> 00:47:20,739
- Through Ruth's eye.
- What's this one?
747
00:47:20,822 --> 00:47:22,739
- I don't know.
748
00:47:22,822 --> 00:47:26,155
- Ooh, a Valium.
749
00:47:26,238 --> 00:47:29,864
I wonder if
it still works.
750
00:47:32,072 --> 00:47:35,656
Look at this tiny baby.
751
00:47:35,739 --> 00:47:38,657
- What's this?
- Ugh, an impaled baby.
752
00:47:40,823 --> 00:47:42,448
I know she was very upset
753
00:47:42,531 --> 00:47:45,281
about having had two abortions.
754
00:47:49,865 --> 00:47:54,031
At around age 14,
Ruth was having sex.
755
00:47:54,114 --> 00:47:57,239
She would just take
her boyfriend into her bedroom
756
00:47:57,323 --> 00:47:59,365
and lock the door.
757
00:48:00,989 --> 00:48:03,698
I wish my parents
had stopped her,
758
00:48:03,782 --> 00:48:05,323
but they didn't...
759
00:48:08,156 --> 00:48:10,740
and eventually,
she did get pregnant,
760
00:48:10,823 --> 00:48:13,490
and she chose to have
an abortion.
761
00:48:18,407 --> 00:48:20,282
Ruth's best friend's mother
762
00:48:20,366 --> 00:48:22,366
was a producer on "20/20,"
763
00:48:22,449 --> 00:48:24,699
and asked her to be
on the show.
764
00:48:26,574 --> 00:48:28,282
- We start with a girl.
765
00:48:28,366 --> 00:48:29,824
She lives in New York City,
766
00:48:29,908 --> 00:48:31,199
where she's
a high school senior
767
00:48:31,282 --> 00:48:33,407
and a talented photographer.
768
00:48:33,491 --> 00:48:35,658
- When I was pregnant,
I really felt like
769
00:48:35,741 --> 00:48:38,491
I had a responsibility
to my baby,
770
00:48:38,574 --> 00:48:41,990
even though it was just--
it was just a fetus.
771
00:48:42,074 --> 00:48:44,824
It wasn't really anything.
772
00:48:44,908 --> 00:48:47,658
I always--you know,
I watched what I ate
773
00:48:47,741 --> 00:48:49,699
and I just kind of
took care of it,
774
00:48:49,783 --> 00:48:53,699
even though I knew that
it was gonna go away.
775
00:48:53,783 --> 00:48:56,574
- Of course, she wasn't ready
to have a baby--
776
00:48:56,658 --> 00:48:59,033
she was just in high school--
777
00:48:59,116 --> 00:49:01,867
but she never forgot about it,
either.
778
00:49:05,033 --> 00:49:07,241
- And I remember
when she had her abortion.
779
00:49:07,325 --> 00:49:10,367
Did she continue thinking
about, like,
780
00:49:10,450 --> 00:49:13,367
"Oh, if I had had that child"?
781
00:49:13,450 --> 00:49:16,200
- She just sort of
acknowledged that
782
00:49:16,283 --> 00:49:18,158
her depression
was going to prevent her
783
00:49:18,241 --> 00:49:20,241
from being able
to have children.
784
00:49:20,325 --> 00:49:22,325
I realized
from looking at her journals
785
00:49:22,408 --> 00:49:25,408
that that is
a huge disappointment for her,
786
00:49:25,492 --> 00:49:26,492
which I never knew.
787
00:49:26,575 --> 00:49:29,158
- Hm.
788
00:49:29,241 --> 00:49:31,867
- She would sometimes
represent herself
789
00:49:31,950 --> 00:49:34,158
as damaged goods
790
00:49:34,241 --> 00:49:37,283
and then--
it might say something like
791
00:49:37,367 --> 00:49:38,910
"forever fixed,"
792
00:49:38,992 --> 00:49:41,076
and it'd be an image of her
holding a baby.
793
00:49:43,284 --> 00:49:47,034
Babies, to her,
were a symbol
794
00:49:47,117 --> 00:49:50,242
of good health
795
00:49:50,326 --> 00:49:51,826
and happiness, I think.
796
00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:59,201
When my son, Charlie,
was born,
797
00:49:59,284 --> 00:50:02,159
she only had a chance
to meet him once.
798
00:50:05,326 --> 00:50:07,951
And if she wasn't
mentally ill,
799
00:50:08,034 --> 00:50:10,117
she would've been
an amazing aunt.
800
00:50:41,494 --> 00:50:44,035
- She confided in me
that she felt
801
00:50:44,118 --> 00:50:46,744
very lost and alone.
802
00:50:49,535 --> 00:50:53,160
- My parents' failure
803
00:50:53,243 --> 00:50:56,452
in being able
to help fix her,
804
00:50:56,535 --> 00:50:58,953
or heal her,
I just think,
805
00:50:59,036 --> 00:51:02,161
was too frustrating.
806
00:51:02,244 --> 00:51:03,536
- Mm-hmm.
807
00:51:03,620 --> 00:51:05,912
- For her to even,
sometimes, be around them,
808
00:51:05,994 --> 00:51:08,870
I'm guessing.
809
00:51:08,953 --> 00:51:11,662
- I know your mom
loved her enormously,
810
00:51:11,745 --> 00:51:15,328
but your dad, he--
he was pulling her down,
811
00:51:15,411 --> 00:51:18,662
it seems like, always,
and, um,
812
00:51:18,745 --> 00:51:22,161
he--I mean, at one point,
she told me
813
00:51:22,244 --> 00:51:24,203
she took a lot of pills
814
00:51:24,286 --> 00:51:26,411
and she ended up
going to Bellevue,
815
00:51:26,495 --> 00:51:29,119
and she told me
that your father said,
816
00:51:29,203 --> 00:51:30,870
"Next time, jump."
817
00:52:06,329 --> 00:52:09,454
It was hard.
God, it was hard being Ruth.
818
00:52:09,537 --> 00:52:12,079
So yeah, there were
the emergency calls,
819
00:52:12,162 --> 00:52:15,079
emergency dates.
820
00:52:15,162 --> 00:52:17,579
Yeah, it was like being
a social worker.
821
00:52:17,663 --> 00:52:21,121
It was a friend-social worker
relationship.
822
00:52:21,205 --> 00:52:25,372
It had its rewards
and its perks, but it was--
823
00:52:25,455 --> 00:52:28,413
it was hard to be Ruth,
it was hard to be near her,
824
00:52:28,497 --> 00:52:31,747
and, um...
825
00:52:31,830 --> 00:52:34,330
and it was also beautiful
at times.
826
00:52:34,413 --> 00:52:37,705
- Her great times
were pretty great.
827
00:52:37,789 --> 00:52:40,705
Now, it wasn't like
she was just depressed
828
00:52:40,789 --> 00:52:42,413
and alone with her cat.
829
00:52:42,497 --> 00:52:45,747
Like, she had a lot of really
sparkling moments as well.
830
00:52:45,830 --> 00:52:47,246
- It was everything.
It was the whole--
831
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:49,455
you got the whole spectrum
with Ruth.
832
00:52:49,538 --> 00:52:51,789
It's like a full
Shakespeare tragedy.
833
00:52:56,121 --> 00:52:58,706
It was really fun in, like,
the '80s and the '90s,
834
00:52:58,790 --> 00:53:01,081
I'd get a call from Ruth,
and she'd be like,
835
00:53:01,164 --> 00:53:02,790
"It's time to do
a photo shoot.
836
00:53:02,873 --> 00:53:04,456
We haven't done
a photo shoot in a while,"
837
00:53:04,539 --> 00:53:06,247
and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"
838
00:53:06,331 --> 00:53:08,873
I mean, okay, so it was like,
teens, 20s.
839
00:53:08,956 --> 00:53:10,748
Like, we both
had great bodies,
840
00:53:10,831 --> 00:53:13,331
um, and it was just, like,
time to celebrate them
841
00:53:13,414 --> 00:53:14,873
and, like take off
your clothes
842
00:53:14,956 --> 00:53:16,997
and put on trench coats
and heels
843
00:53:17,081 --> 00:53:19,956
and go on the roof
and take pictures,
844
00:53:20,039 --> 00:53:22,456
and we had so much fun.
845
00:53:23,873 --> 00:53:26,665
And she was so open and free,
846
00:53:26,748 --> 00:53:29,831
and she made her subjects
847
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:31,122
feel that way too.
848
00:53:31,206 --> 00:53:32,997
She was--she appreciated
beauty,
849
00:53:33,081 --> 00:53:35,623
and she was so sexy herself,
850
00:53:35,706 --> 00:53:37,414
and she appreciated it.
She brought that out.
851
00:53:37,498 --> 00:53:39,832
She brought out sensuality
and sexuality
852
00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:42,040
in all of her subjects.
853
00:53:47,082 --> 00:53:49,123
She would seduce everyone
854
00:53:49,207 --> 00:53:50,749
into taking great pictures.
855
00:53:50,832 --> 00:53:52,540
- Every boyfriend
I've seen naked.
856
00:53:52,624 --> 00:53:54,832
- Yeah.
857
00:53:54,916 --> 00:53:56,707
- One has a better body
than the next.
858
00:53:56,791 --> 00:53:58,998
- Exactly, exactly.
859
00:54:01,582 --> 00:54:04,499
Ruth was very exciting,
and she gave--
860
00:54:04,582 --> 00:54:06,832
in terms of artwork,
of course--
861
00:54:06,916 --> 00:54:09,165
and she gave with humor,
862
00:54:09,248 --> 00:54:12,582
and she gave with love,
863
00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:16,082
and she also took
864
00:54:16,165 --> 00:54:17,791
enormous amounts of energy,
865
00:54:17,874 --> 00:54:20,750
and it would take time
to recover after.
866
00:54:23,500 --> 00:54:26,166
- Ruth was very sensual--
sexual person,
867
00:54:26,249 --> 00:54:29,208
but she always had
an insecurity.
868
00:54:29,291 --> 00:54:31,583
It was a bottomless well.
869
00:54:34,458 --> 00:54:41,124
We met in the summer of 1991
in Quogue in a share house.
870
00:54:41,208 --> 00:54:43,750
Immediately, all the
single guys in the house
871
00:54:43,833 --> 00:54:45,875
were like, you know,
just drawn to this--
872
00:54:45,958 --> 00:54:47,833
this person.
She's beautiful and--
873
00:54:47,917 --> 00:54:51,375
you know, and I figured
that I didn't have a shot.
874
00:54:57,875 --> 00:55:01,459
And once she started
shooting me,
875
00:55:01,542 --> 00:55:03,084
she really helped me
876
00:55:03,167 --> 00:55:04,793
to see myself
in a different light.
877
00:55:07,417 --> 00:55:09,584
You know, the effect
that she had on you,
878
00:55:09,668 --> 00:55:12,292
it was brighter than the sun.
879
00:55:12,376 --> 00:55:14,668
You couldn't help
be drawn to that person.
880
00:55:19,084 --> 00:55:21,584
- "I wanted Alan."
881
00:55:23,417 --> 00:55:25,709
You know, maybe part of me
thought that I could heal her
882
00:55:25,793 --> 00:55:28,751
and that I could
take that pain away from her.
883
00:55:28,834 --> 00:55:31,167
- Me too.
884
00:55:31,250 --> 00:55:32,834
- But I couldn't.
I--you know,
885
00:55:32,918 --> 00:55:35,250
I--I couldn't,
despite how hard I tried.
886
00:55:37,292 --> 00:55:39,752
- She would pull people
in close
887
00:55:39,835 --> 00:55:42,960
and then act
in such a horrible way
888
00:55:43,043 --> 00:55:44,919
that the person had to leave,
889
00:55:45,001 --> 00:55:47,960
and then she would say, "Why--
why did you leave me?"
890
00:56:04,251 --> 00:56:06,543
- She clearly must have
thought she was beautiful,
891
00:56:06,627 --> 00:56:09,085
or was that just her trying to
convince herself that she was?
892
00:56:09,168 --> 00:56:12,168
All the nude pictures
of herself and bikini shots?
893
00:56:12,251 --> 00:56:13,794
- I think--
- I mean, is that a sign
894
00:56:13,877 --> 00:56:15,585
of insecurity?
What is that about?
895
00:56:15,669 --> 00:56:18,044
- I think that was
a sign of insecurity.
896
00:56:26,586 --> 00:56:30,002
- I think the self-portrait
is very...
897
00:56:30,086 --> 00:56:31,878
complicated for her.
898
00:56:34,836 --> 00:56:38,795
Self-searching, but also
wanting to look good,
899
00:56:38,878 --> 00:56:42,419
and wanting to see what
other people would see.
900
00:56:47,086 --> 00:56:49,127
I can't tell you
the amount of times
901
00:56:49,211 --> 00:56:52,252
I told her how beautiful
she was.
902
00:56:57,962 --> 00:57:01,295
Maybe she could see
who she was in a photograph
903
00:57:01,379 --> 00:57:03,379
in a way that she couldn't see
904
00:57:03,462 --> 00:57:07,295
just by feeling
who she was.
905
00:57:13,879 --> 00:57:16,379
So this is what
I want your help with.
906
00:57:16,462 --> 00:57:19,671
I'm gonna try and bust
into Ruth's computer.
907
00:57:19,754 --> 00:57:21,045
- Wow.
908
00:57:21,128 --> 00:57:24,045
So what are you looking for
on the computer?
909
00:57:24,128 --> 00:57:27,879
- I don't really know
when she wrote her last email.
910
00:57:30,128 --> 00:57:31,212
Did you just turn it on?
911
00:57:31,295 --> 00:57:33,587
- No, I didn't touch anything.
912
00:57:33,671 --> 00:57:34,962
- Maybe Ruth turned it on.
913
00:57:35,045 --> 00:57:36,128
- Yeah.
914
00:57:37,921 --> 00:57:40,713
Amazing that it's just--
starts up and it's fine.
915
00:57:40,797 --> 00:57:44,421
- I need something
to make a mouse pad.
916
00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:47,713
Is that too small to read?
917
00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:49,380
- Um, no, it says--
918
00:57:49,463 --> 00:57:52,254
- This one says
"Bellevue Photos."
919
00:57:52,338 --> 00:57:55,088
- Wow, how many times
has she gone to Bellevue?
920
00:57:55,171 --> 00:57:57,421
- A lot.
- She would commit herself?
921
00:57:57,505 --> 00:58:02,421
- My memory is it was always
after a suicide attempt.
922
00:58:02,505 --> 00:58:03,838
- Oh, look.
- What does it say?
923
00:58:03,922 --> 00:58:05,296
I don't have my glasses on.
924
00:58:05,380 --> 00:58:06,922
- It says, "Hi, Ruth.
925
00:58:07,004 --> 00:58:10,046
"In reading your email
from March 3rd, 2008,
926
00:58:10,129 --> 00:58:14,213
it sounds as though you have
secured the light boxes."
927
00:58:16,171 --> 00:58:20,881
- These are, like,
architect's blueprints.
928
00:58:20,964 --> 00:58:22,756
I like that
she dreamed big.
929
00:58:22,839 --> 00:58:26,005
- "Bellevue Hospital Center
will accommodate your request
930
00:58:26,089 --> 00:58:29,631
to have your opening reception
at the site in spring 2008."
931
00:58:29,714 --> 00:58:31,297
She was really
pretty far along.
932
00:58:31,381 --> 00:58:33,547
- I mean, she died
right after that.
933
00:58:35,756 --> 00:58:38,047
- That's kind of sad.
- Yeah.
934
00:58:41,464 --> 00:58:43,547
I don't know what
my responsibility is,
935
00:58:43,631 --> 00:58:45,422
as the only person
that's left living.
936
00:58:45,506 --> 00:58:47,214
- I know, but--
- I mean, these are, like,
937
00:58:47,297 --> 00:58:48,756
records of her life.
938
00:58:48,839 --> 00:58:50,923
What am I supposed to do
with them?
939
00:58:51,005 --> 00:58:52,130
- Yeah.
- Right.
940
00:58:57,964 --> 00:58:59,840
- I've still been drinking.
941
00:58:59,924 --> 00:59:01,799
Nobody knows about it,
942
00:59:01,882 --> 00:59:05,298
but I think it's fine.
943
00:59:05,382 --> 00:59:08,715
I just need it right now,
and then
944
00:59:08,799 --> 00:59:11,757
when I don't need it,
I'll just stop.
945
00:59:21,173 --> 00:59:23,965
- Hope, what are you doing?
946
00:59:24,048 --> 00:59:25,548
- I'm looking through
the bottles
947
00:59:25,632 --> 00:59:28,757
to see which ones have
pills left in them
948
00:59:28,840 --> 00:59:31,882
and if any of them
interest me.
949
00:59:31,965 --> 00:59:33,799
- Okay, what do you mean
by that?
950
00:59:33,882 --> 00:59:38,007
- What I mean is maybe
951
00:59:38,091 --> 00:59:42,675
I can experience what my sister
experienced.
952
00:59:42,758 --> 00:59:44,424
You know what?
That's bullshit.
953
00:59:44,508 --> 00:59:46,299
Maybe I can get high
954
00:59:46,383 --> 00:59:48,716
off of the pills
that she left behind.
955
00:59:48,800 --> 00:59:54,049
- You know this puts us in
a really complicit situation?
956
00:59:54,132 --> 00:59:55,549
- Two.
- Two?
957
00:59:55,633 --> 00:59:59,883
- Yeah.
One is good, two is better.
958
00:59:59,966 --> 01:00:02,132
Ooh, it's stale.
959
01:00:05,174 --> 01:00:06,841
I've never taken it before.
960
01:00:06,925 --> 01:00:08,007
It's a form of Adderall.
961
01:00:08,091 --> 01:00:11,758
I've never taken it before.
962
01:00:11,841 --> 01:00:14,633
And there's something about
963
01:00:14,716 --> 01:00:18,967
the fact that they're
Ruth's pills
964
01:00:19,050 --> 01:00:23,634
that make them feel
more special to me.
965
01:00:23,717 --> 01:00:26,634
- I don't want to be
enabling your addiction.
966
01:00:26,717 --> 01:00:29,592
- Tough shit.
967
01:00:29,676 --> 01:00:31,634
Seriously.
968
01:00:31,717 --> 01:00:37,384
Oh, I just wanna
feel what she feels, and...
969
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:39,801
I just wanna be inside her.
970
01:00:45,967 --> 01:00:48,842
I think I should see
if George can meet me.
971
01:00:57,133 --> 01:00:58,927
Don't worry about me.
972
01:00:59,009 --> 01:01:01,093
- I do worry about you.
973
01:01:02,927 --> 01:01:05,802
Okay, so are you sober now?
974
01:01:05,885 --> 01:01:09,051
- I'm not sober right now, no.
975
01:01:09,134 --> 01:01:11,468
- We had a pact
about being sober.
976
01:01:11,551 --> 01:01:13,593
It's difficult,
being in that pact
977
01:01:13,677 --> 01:01:16,843
and having one person
check out of the pact,
978
01:01:16,927 --> 01:01:20,051
and I need you to know that
979
01:01:20,134 --> 01:01:22,927
you have responsibilities
to people who are living
980
01:01:23,009 --> 01:01:25,760
right now.
981
01:01:25,843 --> 01:01:27,927
I mean, it's like
your mom died,
982
01:01:28,009 --> 01:01:29,760
your dad died,
Ruth killed herself.
983
01:01:29,843 --> 01:01:31,468
And this is what's--
- I lived through it.
984
01:01:31,551 --> 01:01:33,301
- Yeah, and you were sober
through all of it,
985
01:01:33,385 --> 01:01:34,677
so I don't--
I don't really understand
986
01:01:34,760 --> 01:01:36,176
what's going on.
- Okay, well,
987
01:01:36,259 --> 01:01:38,344
I'll explain it to you.
The difference is,
988
01:01:38,427 --> 01:01:41,969
I became a robot
as each person died.
989
01:01:42,052 --> 01:01:44,636
I took my feelings
and I squashed them down
990
01:01:44,719 --> 01:01:46,803
and I took my feelings
and I squashed them down.
991
01:01:46,886 --> 01:01:49,260
I just was like,
"Keep going, keep going,
992
01:01:49,344 --> 01:01:51,969
keep going," and now,
all the emotions
993
01:01:52,052 --> 01:01:54,886
that I refused to feel
while I was sober
994
01:01:54,969 --> 01:01:56,552
and Ruth was ill
995
01:01:56,636 --> 01:01:59,177
and all the feelings
that I refused to feel
996
01:01:59,260 --> 01:02:00,678
after she killed herself--
997
01:02:00,761 --> 01:02:03,844
I'm feeling them.
998
01:02:03,928 --> 01:02:06,803
- This is crazy.
She's dead.
999
01:02:14,260 --> 01:02:17,135
- We're gonna start in 1996.
1000
01:02:17,219 --> 01:02:18,679
What do you think of that i--
what does that say?
1001
01:02:18,762 --> 01:02:20,345
- Not very much indeed.
1002
01:02:20,428 --> 01:02:22,845
I mean, it'd be nice if
you could balance some of this
1003
01:02:22,929 --> 01:02:24,679
with spending time
with your kids.
1004
01:02:24,762 --> 01:02:26,261
- I know, but this is
gonna help me
1005
01:02:26,345 --> 01:02:27,970
be a better mom to them.
1006
01:02:28,053 --> 01:02:28,970
- Eventually?
1007
01:02:29,053 --> 01:02:32,887
- I guess not right now.
1008
01:02:32,970 --> 01:02:34,428
Okay, put it up, put it up.
1009
01:02:34,512 --> 01:02:36,053
I just wanna see
if it's lined up.
1010
01:02:36,136 --> 01:02:39,470
Why didn't you go
all the way up to the ceiling?
1011
01:02:39,553 --> 01:02:42,762
This way, a pattern
might be revealed.
1012
01:02:42,845 --> 01:02:44,470
- I just--I just--
1013
01:02:44,553 --> 01:02:48,011
I think that this is--
I don't really understand it.
1014
01:02:48,095 --> 01:02:49,929
I don't understand what pattern
you think you're gonna see.
1015
01:02:50,011 --> 01:02:52,220
You're looking at datebooks
that are ten years old
1016
01:02:52,303 --> 01:02:54,387
from a dead person.
1017
01:02:54,470 --> 01:02:56,679
- Not that one. Use this one.
- Huh?
1018
01:02:56,762 --> 01:02:59,429
She did her dry cleaning
on Tuesday, the 2nd.
1019
01:02:59,513 --> 01:03:02,680
- See?
Now you're wondering too.
1020
01:03:04,054 --> 01:03:06,721
- And here comes
a suicide attempt.
1021
01:03:06,805 --> 01:03:08,930
- "Found in coma, 1:30."
1022
01:03:09,012 --> 01:03:10,304
- Yeah.
1023
01:03:10,388 --> 01:03:12,304
- All right, see you later.
- Okay.
1024
01:03:33,179 --> 01:03:35,096
- January '97.
1025
01:03:35,179 --> 01:03:37,221
January '98, January '99.
1026
01:03:37,304 --> 01:03:39,305
February.
1027
01:03:39,389 --> 01:03:41,764
March, April.
1028
01:03:41,847 --> 01:03:43,430
October.
1029
01:03:43,514 --> 01:03:46,806
2001, 2002, 2003, 2004.
1030
01:03:46,889 --> 01:03:48,430
March, March, March, March.
1031
01:03:48,514 --> 01:03:49,806
I don't see
a pattern.
1032
01:03:56,514 --> 01:03:59,847
This looks to me
like a very manic phase.
1033
01:03:59,931 --> 01:04:02,097
Intense colors,
1034
01:04:02,180 --> 01:04:04,597
and, like, right here, this is
a very intense thing.
1035
01:04:04,681 --> 01:04:08,013
It has a woman
and it says "Help."
1036
01:04:08,097 --> 01:04:10,347
When she's manic,
is that more likely
1037
01:04:10,430 --> 01:04:12,639
that she's gonna try
to commit suicide?
1038
01:04:12,722 --> 01:04:16,597
But I haven't been able
to find...
1039
01:04:16,681 --> 01:04:19,973
a pattern like that,
because sometimes,
1040
01:04:20,056 --> 01:04:23,348
the pages will be
very bare and blank,
1041
01:04:23,431 --> 01:04:24,473
for example, here,
1042
01:04:24,556 --> 01:04:26,723
she ends up going to get
1043
01:04:26,807 --> 01:04:28,306
electric shock therapy,
1044
01:04:28,390 --> 01:04:30,223
and she stays there for weeks.
1045
01:04:30,306 --> 01:04:33,014
Depressed, depressed,
depressed.
1046
01:04:33,098 --> 01:04:34,973
D, D, D.
1047
01:04:35,056 --> 01:04:36,306
Some "S"s.
1048
01:04:36,390 --> 01:04:37,807
That means
"worse than depressed."
1049
01:04:37,890 --> 01:04:39,056
That means "suicidal."
1050
01:04:39,139 --> 01:04:41,098
Oh look,
here's another one.
1051
01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:43,181
Big, big red S.
1052
01:04:43,264 --> 01:04:46,014
"Took pills for four days,
hoping to die."
1053
01:04:46,098 --> 01:04:49,807
"A good day to die."
1054
01:04:49,890 --> 01:04:53,056
It seems like
everything's fine,
1055
01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:54,723
and then, all of a sudden,
1056
01:04:54,807 --> 01:04:56,306
she tried to kill herself,
1057
01:04:56,390 --> 01:04:58,683
and then she gets out,
1058
01:04:58,766 --> 01:05:01,516
and she goes and plays
ultimate Frisbee.
1059
01:05:01,599 --> 01:05:04,849
She would write "Belle View"--
beautiful view--
1060
01:05:04,933 --> 01:05:07,641
so she must have liked it,
if that's what she called it.
1061
01:05:07,724 --> 01:05:11,182
She really went from
1062
01:05:11,265 --> 01:05:13,849
wonderful times
to horrible times
1063
01:05:13,933 --> 01:05:16,099
very, very quickly.
1064
01:05:16,182 --> 01:05:19,808
Here's a suicide attempt,
February 18th,
1065
01:05:19,891 --> 01:05:21,766
which is my birthday.
1066
01:05:21,849 --> 01:05:23,057
"Sorry, Hopie."
1067
01:05:29,224 --> 01:05:31,808
She often accused me
of abandoning her.
1068
01:05:33,808 --> 01:05:38,392
And I see that
I was actually with her a lot.
1069
01:05:41,100 --> 01:05:42,725
Here's the last one.
1070
01:05:45,141 --> 01:05:49,558
I found her
on Friday the 12th.
1071
01:05:51,183 --> 01:05:52,975
I don't know that she was alive
on the 12th,
1072
01:05:53,058 --> 01:05:56,225
before I found her,
or if she predicted
1073
01:05:56,308 --> 01:05:58,225
she would die
on one of these days,
1074
01:05:58,308 --> 01:06:00,225
and she made
the little circles.
1075
01:06:04,433 --> 01:06:07,350
And so I don't really know
what day she died on.
1076
01:06:17,016 --> 01:06:18,601
- Have you seen
these photographs?
1077
01:06:18,685 --> 01:06:20,101
- No.
1078
01:06:20,184 --> 01:06:22,559
- Um, they--they may be
upsetting to you.
1079
01:06:23,976 --> 01:06:25,601
Yep.
1080
01:06:25,685 --> 01:06:28,393
And she's with a--
a stuffed animal, there.
1081
01:06:30,351 --> 01:06:33,226
- Yeah, a stuffed animal.
1082
01:06:33,309 --> 01:06:34,935
Can you tell how long
she had been dead for?
1083
01:06:35,017 --> 01:06:38,142
- Eh, at least of the order
of 24 hours.
1084
01:06:44,351 --> 01:06:46,976
- Someone looks alive
1085
01:06:47,059 --> 01:06:50,559
and then they look really dead.
1086
01:06:50,643 --> 01:06:53,518
- Sometimes death
looks stunningly lifeless.
1087
01:06:53,601 --> 01:06:55,059
I think...
1088
01:06:55,142 --> 01:06:56,226
You know, if--
you know, when your memory
1089
01:06:56,309 --> 01:06:57,810
have been embroidering this
1090
01:06:57,893 --> 01:07:00,727
into something, you know,
more lyrical and exalted,
1091
01:07:00,811 --> 01:07:03,185
but I'm--you know, emotionally,
you know the truth of this
1092
01:07:03,268 --> 01:07:05,435
all the way along, I'm sure.
1093
01:07:05,519 --> 01:07:07,060
- No.
I pretend that
1094
01:07:07,143 --> 01:07:08,435
she's still alive.
1095
01:07:21,894 --> 01:07:27,394
It's like she's with me
all the time.
1096
01:07:27,477 --> 01:07:31,894
The guilt that I feel is...
1097
01:07:31,977 --> 01:07:33,894
unbearable,
1098
01:07:33,977 --> 01:07:37,102
and I'm falling apart.
1099
01:07:42,520 --> 01:07:44,770
This is hard.
1100
01:07:59,686 --> 01:08:01,852
- You're saying "One swig,
and I'll never drink again?"
1101
01:08:01,936 --> 01:08:03,769
- One swig, and I'll never
drink again.
1102
01:08:03,852 --> 01:08:05,018
- Okay.
1103
01:08:05,102 --> 01:08:06,560
Go ahead.
- I'm gonna have a swig.
1104
01:08:06,644 --> 01:08:08,018
- Okay, I'm coming with you.
1105
01:08:08,102 --> 01:08:10,018
- Okay, I'm gonna
take a glass.
1106
01:08:10,102 --> 01:08:12,060
- Oh, it has to be
out of a glass?
1107
01:08:12,143 --> 01:08:13,644
- Well, do you think
your parents
1108
01:08:13,727 --> 01:08:15,060
want me to drink
straight from their bottle?
1109
01:08:15,143 --> 01:08:16,310
- No...
1110
01:08:20,061 --> 01:08:22,228
- I'm really having
a hard time.
1111
01:08:22,311 --> 01:08:25,728
- Yeah, I know, but
I'm scared, and--
1112
01:08:25,812 --> 01:08:27,603
and I've been
chasing you around all morning,
1113
01:08:27,687 --> 01:08:29,603
trying to make sure
that you don't have a drink,
1114
01:08:29,687 --> 01:08:30,978
I can't do that. I can't--
1115
01:08:31,061 --> 01:08:32,853
I can't follow you around
all day.
1116
01:08:32,937 --> 01:08:36,103
- This will be the last time.
1117
01:08:36,186 --> 01:08:37,603
- And I don't know
what to do.
1118
01:08:37,687 --> 01:08:38,728
I don't know what
the right thing to do is.
1119
01:08:38,812 --> 01:08:39,895
You're not yourself.
1120
01:08:39,978 --> 01:08:42,144
You're a different person.
1121
01:08:58,145 --> 01:09:00,396
Is that how much you want?
1122
01:09:00,479 --> 01:09:03,187
I--you can't be passed out
on the airplane.
1123
01:09:09,521 --> 01:09:11,312
- My hands are shaking.
1124
01:09:19,521 --> 01:09:21,020
It's horrible.
1125
01:09:24,521 --> 01:09:27,062
Okay, that's it.
1126
01:09:27,145 --> 01:09:29,187
- I mean, you say--
I know that you say that,
1127
01:09:29,270 --> 01:09:30,562
but, like, I--
1128
01:09:30,646 --> 01:09:32,813
you forget
who you're talking to.
1129
01:09:32,896 --> 01:09:34,813
- What do you mean?
- Now, I'm on camera,
1130
01:09:34,896 --> 01:09:37,688
saying "Have another drink,"
1131
01:09:37,771 --> 01:09:39,438
and, you know...
1132
01:09:39,522 --> 01:09:42,063
- Right now?
- Yeah. I mean, no,
1133
01:09:42,146 --> 01:09:43,689
I'm not saying you should
have another drink now.
1134
01:09:43,772 --> 01:09:45,438
- I'm just saying we just--
1135
01:09:45,522 --> 01:09:46,939
you just--you said,
"Can I have another drink?"
1136
01:09:47,021 --> 01:09:48,146
and I said "Okay,"
and I don't know
1137
01:09:48,230 --> 01:09:49,647
how to feel about that.
1138
01:09:49,730 --> 01:09:51,105
I mean--
- It's the only thing
1139
01:09:51,188 --> 01:09:52,647
that makes me feel better.
1140
01:09:52,730 --> 01:09:54,939
I don't know
how to explain that.
1141
01:09:55,021 --> 01:09:56,814
- I understand.
- It's the only thing
1142
01:09:56,897 --> 01:09:58,271
that takes the pain away.
- You don't need to explain it.
1143
01:09:58,355 --> 01:09:59,730
- I just feel really guilty
1144
01:09:59,814 --> 01:10:01,647
that I'm alive and she's dead.
1145
01:10:01,730 --> 01:10:04,814
- Well, here's my perspective.
1146
01:10:04,897 --> 01:10:06,563
She's been dead
for seven years
1147
01:10:06,647 --> 01:10:08,980
and she's sent you
to this bar
1148
01:10:09,063 --> 01:10:11,980
from the grave to drink.
1149
01:10:12,063 --> 01:10:15,021
I just--I really don't know
how to stop.
1150
01:10:15,105 --> 01:10:18,105
- I know.
- I know.
1151
01:10:45,606 --> 01:10:47,773
Here's my rehab room.
1152
01:10:58,565 --> 01:10:59,899
The big book,
1153
01:10:59,982 --> 01:11:05,565
required reading
for all alcoholics.
1154
01:11:05,649 --> 01:11:08,023
Pictures from my kids.
1155
01:11:10,232 --> 01:11:11,732
There's nothing wrong
with them.
1156
01:11:11,816 --> 01:11:14,982
Obviously, I'm the one
with the problem.
1157
01:11:17,273 --> 01:11:20,899
I always wanted
to be the opposite of Ruth.
1158
01:11:20,982 --> 01:11:22,857
You know what?
We're not that different.
1159
01:11:40,066 --> 01:11:42,775
I always knew that
I felt very guilty,
1160
01:11:42,858 --> 01:11:45,817
and I always knew
I blamed myself,
1161
01:11:45,900 --> 01:11:50,233
but I didn't realize
how painful it would be
1162
01:11:50,316 --> 01:11:53,692
to have compassion for her.
1163
01:12:03,191 --> 01:12:04,692
So ask me a question.
1164
01:12:04,775 --> 01:12:06,525
- Where are you--where are you
coming from?
1165
01:12:06,608 --> 01:12:07,733
Where are you going?
1166
01:12:08,983 --> 01:12:11,525
- I have 30 days sober today.
1167
01:12:11,608 --> 01:12:13,233
- Yay.
- And I'm going home.
1168
01:12:13,316 --> 01:12:17,066
- How exciting.
- Very exciting.
1169
01:12:17,149 --> 01:12:18,442
- You look good.
1170
01:12:18,526 --> 01:12:19,984
- Thanks. I miss you.
1171
01:12:20,067 --> 01:12:21,109
- I miss you too.
1172
01:12:46,943 --> 01:12:51,025
- What do you know about
these sort of blueprints
1173
01:12:51,109 --> 01:12:55,484
that she made for a possible
display at Bellevue?
1174
01:12:55,567 --> 01:12:57,651
- It was one of the last things
that she worked on.
1175
01:12:57,734 --> 01:13:00,318
Uh, she really wanted
to do something
1176
01:13:00,402 --> 01:13:04,735
with her flowers
in a dead space.
1177
01:13:04,819 --> 01:13:06,944
- Do you think
it would be crazy
1178
01:13:07,026 --> 01:13:10,026
to try and make this happen?
1179
01:13:10,110 --> 01:13:13,360
- Are you ready to,
emotionally?
1180
01:13:13,443 --> 01:13:15,276
Combining not just the art,
1181
01:13:15,360 --> 01:13:19,276
but the crazy and the hospitals
and the whole thing?
1182
01:13:19,360 --> 01:13:20,735
- I don't know.
1183
01:13:22,276 --> 01:13:23,860
You want to help me carry it?
1184
01:13:23,944 --> 01:13:25,610
Thank you.
1185
01:13:31,318 --> 01:13:32,652
- It's one thing to say,
1186
01:13:32,735 --> 01:13:34,652
"Okay, I think I'm ready
to go,"
1187
01:13:34,735 --> 01:13:37,402
and open up the storage unit
1188
01:13:37,485 --> 01:13:39,569
and look at her work,
1189
01:13:39,653 --> 01:13:44,111
but this becomes
a whole other thing.
1190
01:13:44,194 --> 01:13:47,236
- The difference with this,
though, is
1191
01:13:47,319 --> 01:13:48,695
I would be making
1192
01:13:48,778 --> 01:13:51,152
one of Ruth's wishes
come true.
1193
01:13:51,236 --> 01:13:53,194
- Well, that's for sure.
1194
01:13:53,277 --> 01:13:55,653
- And if I could
realize that for her,
1195
01:13:55,736 --> 01:13:57,778
I would feel really proud.
1196
01:14:14,986 --> 01:14:20,404
I want to celebrate
the good things about Ruth
1197
01:14:20,487 --> 01:14:23,779
and not dwell on
the bad things.
1198
01:14:40,696 --> 01:14:42,696
Okay, so I should change.
1199
01:14:52,862 --> 01:14:54,195
Hello.
- Hey!
1200
01:14:54,278 --> 01:14:55,779
Hi, I'm Greg Mink.
How we doing?
1201
01:14:55,862 --> 01:14:57,195
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
1202
01:14:57,278 --> 01:14:58,279
- Thank you so much
for coming over.
1203
01:14:58,363 --> 01:14:59,780
- Not a problem.
1204
01:14:59,863 --> 01:15:03,822
- So, um, I set up
the photographs in here.
1205
01:15:03,905 --> 01:15:06,238
- Wow.
1206
01:15:06,321 --> 01:15:08,947
- So, um,
1207
01:15:09,029 --> 01:15:11,321
these are ones
that you probably saw with her
1208
01:15:11,405 --> 01:15:13,822
years ago.
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
1209
01:15:13,905 --> 01:15:15,822
- There's more in here.
- Mm-hmm.
1210
01:15:15,905 --> 01:15:18,363
It's a little dusty, but...
1211
01:15:19,905 --> 01:15:22,071
Um, I actually have that one
on my wall.
1212
01:15:22,154 --> 01:15:23,947
- Mm-hmm.
1213
01:15:24,029 --> 01:15:25,863
- This box has a lot,
1214
01:15:25,947 --> 01:15:27,530
but you could choose which one
you could take with you.
1215
01:15:27,613 --> 01:15:29,988
- Mm-hmm. The next one?
1216
01:15:30,071 --> 01:15:31,154
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
1217
01:15:31,238 --> 01:15:33,029
- Oh, that's a pretty one.
1218
01:15:33,113 --> 01:15:34,488
We're gonna give you that one,
even if you don't want it.
1219
01:15:34,571 --> 01:15:36,321
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
1220
01:15:36,405 --> 01:15:38,071
- You can see, like...
- Yes.
1221
01:15:38,154 --> 01:15:40,280
- The scale really
makes a difference.
1222
01:15:40,364 --> 01:15:41,322
- Yes.
- You know?
1223
01:15:41,406 --> 01:15:43,906
- Mm-hmm.
1224
01:15:43,989 --> 01:15:46,197
- I'm so excited.
1225
01:15:46,280 --> 01:15:47,864
- Uh, we'll meet with--
meet with
1226
01:15:47,948 --> 01:15:49,781
the public affairs people
next week,
1227
01:15:49,864 --> 01:15:52,072
and in terms of this show
and we'll just give them a--
1228
01:15:52,155 --> 01:15:53,531
a little background,
1229
01:15:53,614 --> 01:15:57,030
and I think they would be
on board.
1230
01:16:03,447 --> 01:16:04,906
- Like maybe, up to the--
1231
01:16:13,989 --> 01:16:15,364
- So now you can see
some of that detail.
1232
01:16:15,447 --> 01:16:17,698
- Wow, that detail
is amazing.
1233
01:16:20,031 --> 01:16:21,824
- Look at that yellow green.
That's like...
1234
01:16:21,907 --> 01:16:23,281
- That's wonderful.
1235
01:16:23,365 --> 01:16:25,865
- Yeah.
Get a little bit better sense
1236
01:16:25,949 --> 01:16:27,865
of what we're looking at.
1237
01:16:27,990 --> 01:16:30,407
- Ooh.
1238
01:16:30,490 --> 01:16:31,782
Ooh!
1239
01:16:31,865 --> 01:16:34,073
- Yeah, this one's magical.
- Magical.
1240
01:16:34,156 --> 01:16:35,365
- Yeah.
1241
01:16:35,448 --> 01:16:37,699
- Wow.
I know she loved this one,
1242
01:16:37,782 --> 01:16:39,615
because she gave it a name.
1243
01:16:43,740 --> 01:16:46,073
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1244
01:16:46,156 --> 01:16:48,073
- And then, are these logos
correct?
1245
01:16:48,156 --> 01:16:49,365
- Yes.
- And do you like
1246
01:16:49,448 --> 01:16:51,240
the name and font?
- Yes.
1247
01:16:52,824 --> 01:16:55,615
It just has to look good.
1248
01:16:55,699 --> 01:16:57,156
It has to look as good
1249
01:16:57,240 --> 01:16:59,825
as Ruth would want it to look.
1250
01:17:01,658 --> 01:17:04,533
She had very high standards...
1251
01:17:11,908 --> 01:17:15,241
That were a little hard
to live up to.
1252
01:17:21,408 --> 01:17:23,866
I don't doubt
1253
01:17:23,950 --> 01:17:26,825
the artwork
and I don't doubt...
1254
01:17:28,866 --> 01:17:30,700
I just--
I just want to make sure
1255
01:17:30,783 --> 01:17:32,366
that I did it right.
1256
01:17:46,492 --> 01:17:48,117
I can carry one.
1257
01:18:02,200 --> 01:18:04,117
When we were little kids,
1258
01:18:04,200 --> 01:18:06,534
I was her faithful servant.
1259
01:18:08,742 --> 01:18:10,909
I still feel like I am.
1260
01:18:17,826 --> 01:18:20,785
She always wanted to
become one with me.
1261
01:18:20,868 --> 01:18:21,952
Looks good.
1262
01:18:22,034 --> 01:18:23,535
She's in there.
1263
01:18:27,952 --> 01:18:30,576
My sister made these.
- Can I take a picture?
1264
01:18:30,660 --> 01:18:31,827
- You can take a picture.
Of course.
1265
01:18:31,910 --> 01:18:34,743
- Cell phone--take a picture.
1266
01:18:34,827 --> 01:18:36,702
- That's cute.
- Thank you so much.
1267
01:18:36,785 --> 01:18:38,326
Thank you.
- No, thank you.
1268
01:18:38,410 --> 01:18:39,827
I'm glad you're enjoying it.
1269
01:18:39,910 --> 01:18:42,368
That makes me really happy.
Thank you.
1270
01:19:07,035 --> 01:19:08,452
One of Ruth's dreams
1271
01:19:08,536 --> 01:19:11,369
was to have a show
at Bellevue.
1272
01:19:11,452 --> 01:19:14,744
I made it my dream
to have a show at Bellevue.
1273
01:19:14,828 --> 01:19:16,953
That's not my dream.
1274
01:19:19,994 --> 01:19:21,911
My dream is something
so impossible.
1275
01:19:21,994 --> 01:19:24,077
My wish is that
she'd come back
1276
01:19:24,160 --> 01:19:25,786
and be healthy.
1277
01:20:11,495 --> 01:20:13,286
There is something unique
1278
01:20:13,370 --> 01:20:16,078
about losing someone
to suicide.
1279
01:20:16,161 --> 01:20:21,204
It's not really something
you're ever gonna get over.
1280
01:20:21,287 --> 01:20:24,663
It's a daily battle.
1281
01:20:24,746 --> 01:20:28,371
It's like you always
have a splinter in your hand
1282
01:20:28,454 --> 01:20:30,705
Sometimes you notice it
and sometimes you don't,
1283
01:20:30,788 --> 01:20:32,788
but the splinter's
always there.
1284
01:20:34,705 --> 01:20:37,955
You can't destroy yourself
over it, but...
1285
01:20:40,788 --> 01:20:43,496
You can have the splinter
and live.
1286
01:20:43,579 --> 01:20:45,413
The splinter's not gonna
kill you.
1287
01:20:50,079 --> 01:20:54,329
- You want to talk
about your sister?
1288
01:20:54,413 --> 01:20:57,746
- Um, when I did that portrait
of my sister,
1289
01:20:57,830 --> 01:21:00,455
we were in a very good mood
and we were very happy,
1290
01:21:00,539 --> 01:21:03,747
but I always knew
1291
01:21:03,831 --> 01:21:05,831
there was something
underlying--
1292
01:21:05,914 --> 01:21:08,038
you know, down inside her--
1293
01:21:08,122 --> 01:21:11,997
that it just wasn't
altogether happy.
1294
01:21:12,080 --> 01:21:13,580
- Do you love your sister?
1295
01:21:13,664 --> 01:21:15,997
- I love my sister
very much.
1296
01:21:16,080 --> 01:21:18,247
She's probably
the most important person to me
1297
01:21:18,330 --> 01:21:20,455
in the world.
91877
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