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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:36,396 [Ennui Le Triste] Previously on Kidding... 2 00:00:36,479 --> 00:00:37,855 Don't do drugs! 3 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,563 [Jeff] We're gonna build Listen-To-Me Pickles. 4 00:00:39,646 --> 00:00:41,312 I should go talk to Peter. 5 00:00:41,396 --> 00:00:42,438 [nurse] I don't think your wife wants that to happen, 6 00:00:42,521 --> 00:00:44,271 but he wants to talk to you though. 7 00:00:44,354 --> 00:00:46,062 [Josip] I learned English from watching your show. 8 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:47,896 [Seb] His name is Josip Butkevich. 9 00:00:47,980 --> 00:00:50,062 He's some Croatian voice actor. 10 00:00:50,146 --> 00:00:52,021 I have to write a $600,000 check 11 00:00:52,104 --> 00:00:54,187 so the IRS won't pummel me. 12 00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,604 You're gonna put Puppet Time back on the air. 13 00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:57,187 Not Dad. You. 14 00:00:58,271 --> 00:01:01,104 ♪ classical music ♪ 15 00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,146 ♪♪♪ 16 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,771 ♪ Jack and Jill went up the hill ♪ 17 00:01:05,855 --> 00:01:08,855 ♪ To fetch a pail of water ♪ 18 00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:10,938 ♪ Jack fell down and broke his crown ♪ 19 00:01:11,021 --> 00:01:14,021 ♪ And Jill came tumbling after ♪ 20 00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:17,062 [whimsical orchestration] 21 00:01:17,146 --> 00:01:20,396 ♪♪♪ 22 00:01:22,187 --> 00:01:24,312 - [indistinct shouting] - [alarm blaring] 23 00:01:24,396 --> 00:01:26,062 speaking native language 24 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:31,688 [gunfire] [people shouting] 25 00:01:31,771 --> 00:01:35,062 [siren continues blaring] 26 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:37,146 [man shouting in native language] 27 00:01:40,980 --> 00:01:42,229 [Jeff] We need friends... 28 00:01:43,730 --> 00:01:45,646 Friends to laugh with, 29 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,354 friends to share with, 30 00:01:47,438 --> 00:01:49,688 friends to play with, 31 00:01:49,771 --> 00:01:51,563 friends to learn with. 32 00:01:51,646 --> 00:01:54,479 We need friends because friends help us grow. 33 00:01:54,563 --> 00:01:55,896 [girl giggles] 34 00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:57,771 [Snagglehorse] Friends help us grow? 35 00:01:57,855 --> 00:01:58,896 [Uke-Larry] True friends do. 36 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:00,938 [both] True friend do. 37 00:02:01,021 --> 00:02:03,104 [Snagglehorse] But what's a true friend, Mr. Pickles? 38 00:02:03,187 --> 00:02:04,980 [kids laugh] 39 00:02:05,062 --> 00:02:06,938 [Jeff] ♪ A friend is someone that could tell you ♪ 40 00:02:07,021 --> 00:02:08,938 - [Jeff] When there's jelly... - [Uke-Larry] On your face. 41 00:02:09,021 --> 00:02:11,062 [laughter] 42 00:02:11,146 --> 00:02:13,730 [Uke-Larry] A friend is someone you can tell any... 43 00:02:13,813 --> 00:02:16,980 - [boom] - [kids whimper] 44 00:02:19,062 --> 00:02:21,271 [kids groan] 45 00:02:23,521 --> 00:02:24,521 [pounding] 46 00:02:24,604 --> 00:02:25,938 [Gregur] Josip. 47 00:02:33,021 --> 00:02:34,146 ♪ When you need someone to talk to ♪ 48 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:36,771 ♪ You can always depend on a friend ♪ 49 00:02:36,855 --> 00:02:38,271 ♪ A true friend ♪ 50 00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:41,604 ♪ A friend is someone you call on the phone ♪ 51 00:02:41,688 --> 00:02:43,479 ♪ To be by your side when you're feeling alone ♪ 52 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,521 - [boom] - [kids screaming] 53 00:02:46,604 --> 00:02:48,980 [boom!] 54 00:02:52,730 --> 00:02:54,479 [kids yelling, voices retreat] 55 00:02:54,563 --> 00:02:57,730 [alarm blaring distantly] 56 00:02:57,813 --> 00:03:00,646 [helicopter blades thrumming] [man shouts in native language] 57 00:03:04,187 --> 00:03:06,062 [man continues to shout distantly] 58 00:03:11,688 --> 00:03:14,229 ♪ somber music ♪ 59 00:03:14,312 --> 00:03:17,438 ♪ A friend is someone who will care for you so ♪ 60 00:03:17,521 --> 00:03:21,479 ♪ When you feel a little broken, they can make you feel whole ♪ 61 00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:24,271 ♪ When the day feels lonely, you can always depend ♪ 62 00:03:24,354 --> 00:03:26,896 ♪ On a friend, a true-- ♪ 63 00:03:27,896 --> 00:03:30,229 [door opens, closes] 64 00:03:38,312 --> 00:03:41,229 [lively folk music playing over radio] 65 00:03:41,312 --> 00:03:46,354 ♪♪♪ 66 00:03:56,855 --> 00:03:58,104 - [grunts] - [xylophone dings] 67 00:03:59,604 --> 00:04:01,479 - [whimpers] - [pleasant tone] 68 00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:03,479 [Jeff] Hello from Ohio. 69 00:04:03,563 --> 00:04:05,271 It's almost time to have supper where you live, 70 00:04:05,354 --> 00:04:06,771 Serbia and Croatia. 71 00:04:06,855 --> 00:04:08,396 What are you having? 72 00:04:08,479 --> 00:04:11,479 I'm having a song for dinner. A supper song. 73 00:04:11,563 --> 00:04:16,771 ♪♪♪ 74 00:04:17,813 --> 00:04:19,396 [imitates Jeff] Do you think I sound like him? 75 00:04:22,771 --> 00:04:25,479 [Jeff] ♪ A friend is someone you can call on the phone ♪ 76 00:04:25,563 --> 00:04:28,688 ♪ To be by your side when you're feeling alone ♪ 77 00:04:28,771 --> 00:04:32,479 [together] ♪ A friend is someone who will care for your soul ♪ 78 00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:37,396 ♪ When you feel broken, they'll make you feel whole ♪ 79 00:04:37,479 --> 00:04:41,479 ♪♪♪ 80 00:04:49,271 --> 00:04:50,771 Let's call it even. 81 00:04:53,104 --> 00:04:54,771 [door bell] 82 00:05:02,062 --> 00:05:03,980 - ♪ soft dramatic music ♪ - Hello, Jeff. 83 00:05:04,062 --> 00:05:06,771 This is Josip Butkevich. 84 00:05:06,855 --> 00:05:10,521 You may remember me from my puppet-based erotica website. 85 00:05:10,604 --> 00:05:14,104 I'm sorry your animated series did not work out, 86 00:05:14,187 --> 00:05:17,146 and I hope that things are better with your father. 87 00:05:17,229 --> 00:05:19,688 I know you won't respond to this, 88 00:05:19,771 --> 00:05:23,271 but if you ever need a friend, you have one 89 00:05:23,354 --> 00:05:27,730 on the border between Serbia and Croatia. 90 00:05:27,813 --> 00:05:30,646 ♪ quirky music ♪ 91 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:35,479 ♪♪♪ 92 00:05:42,730 --> 00:05:44,479 [cheers and applause] 93 00:05:44,563 --> 00:05:47,312 So, Mr. Pickles, let's talk about this new doll. 94 00:05:47,396 --> 00:05:51,187 It's kind of like Alexa, but instead of a computer, 95 00:05:51,271 --> 00:05:54,771 there's a middle-aged man listening on the other end. 96 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,229 [laughter] 97 00:05:57,312 --> 00:05:59,938 Children deserve to be heard. I chose to listen. 98 00:06:00,021 --> 00:06:02,312 [applause] 99 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,813 You know, I-sorry, but as a mother, 100 00:06:04,896 --> 00:06:06,688 and also the first celebrity Barbie... 101 00:06:06,771 --> 00:06:09,980 [cheers and applause] Oh. 102 00:06:10,062 --> 00:06:14,187 But I just have to say that it's kind of surprising to me 103 00:06:14,271 --> 00:06:16,438 that parents are okay with this. 104 00:06:16,521 --> 00:06:18,354 [audience ohhs, chatters] 105 00:06:18,438 --> 00:06:20,813 They don't seem to mind giving their children smartphones 106 00:06:20,896 --> 00:06:24,604 with access to pornography and livestream school shootings. 107 00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:27,479 Listen-To-Me Pickles was meant to be an antidote to all that, 108 00:06:27,563 --> 00:06:30,563 a way to bypass the depravity of social media, 109 00:06:30,646 --> 00:06:34,604 to give children the attention they crave and so deserve. 110 00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:41,354 You had a show on air for 30 years, 111 00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:43,312 and...now it's not. 112 00:06:43,396 --> 00:06:45,021 How is that affecting you? 113 00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:49,396 I miss seeing my friends, 114 00:06:49,479 --> 00:06:51,104 Snagglehorse and Ennui Le Triste. 115 00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:53,563 Uke-Larry and Astronotter. 116 00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:55,396 - [audience] Aw... - But I created a world 117 00:06:55,479 --> 00:06:58,396 where children could see me and I couldn't see them. 118 00:06:58,479 --> 00:07:01,563 Now I've created a way for us to really connect 119 00:07:01,646 --> 00:07:03,855 and talk to each other. 120 00:07:03,938 --> 00:07:06,730 [chuckling] I have more friends now than I've ever had. 121 00:07:06,813 --> 00:07:08,771 - [audience] Aww. - [applause] 122 00:07:09,938 --> 00:07:14,229 Well, Mr. Pickles, you're gonna have 200 more friends to talk to 123 00:07:14,312 --> 00:07:16,396 because everyone in our studio audience 124 00:07:16,479 --> 00:07:20,229 is getting a free Listen-To-Me Pickles doll! 125 00:07:20,312 --> 00:07:23,396 [bright music plays over speakers] 126 00:07:23,479 --> 00:07:25,479 ♪♪♪ 127 00:07:28,688 --> 00:07:30,813 Jeff, you don't have a lot of friends, do you? 128 00:07:30,896 --> 00:07:33,396 Oh, I have millions of them in terms of Pickle pals. 129 00:07:33,479 --> 00:07:35,855 And I have my sister. 130 00:07:35,938 --> 00:07:37,396 And the children I speak to 131 00:07:37,479 --> 00:07:39,604 over an internet-connected doll. 132 00:07:39,688 --> 00:07:43,604 So...no, I guess I don't. 133 00:07:43,688 --> 00:07:45,271 You know, an important part of recovery 134 00:07:45,354 --> 00:07:47,438 is just having somebody to talk to. 135 00:07:47,521 --> 00:07:50,855 How's your pain at the incision point? 136 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,604 [grunts] Ah--a lot. 137 00:07:52,688 --> 00:07:54,896 - Even with the oxycodone? - I haven't been taking those. 138 00:07:54,980 --> 00:07:56,604 Are you experiencing side effects? 139 00:07:56,688 --> 00:07:58,438 I believe opiates are overprescribed 140 00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,062 and highly addictive. 141 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,271 They've robbed children of their parents 142 00:08:01,354 --> 00:08:02,646 and parents of their children. 143 00:08:02,730 --> 00:08:04,229 I don't wanna be a part of that. 144 00:08:04,312 --> 00:08:06,104 But Jeff, you're gonna feel a lot of pain. 145 00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:08,521 Isn't there some kind of alternative? 146 00:08:08,604 --> 00:08:11,771 Something non-addictive, organic, all-natural? 147 00:08:11,855 --> 00:08:13,438 I believe I can accommodate that. 148 00:08:13,521 --> 00:08:15,271 Thank you. 149 00:08:15,354 --> 00:08:17,438 I'm gonna prescribe you medical marijuana. 150 00:08:17,521 --> 00:08:20,187 ♪ mellow music ♪ 151 00:08:20,271 --> 00:08:21,980 [softly] Oh, God. 152 00:08:22,062 --> 00:08:22,938 [Listen-To-Me Pickles blips] 153 00:08:23,021 --> 00:08:25,980 [Jeff] Hey, Peter? 154 00:08:26,062 --> 00:08:27,855 You wanna go to lunch sometime? 155 00:08:27,938 --> 00:08:32,146 ♪♪♪ 156 00:08:32,229 --> 00:08:35,146 [piano lounge music playing] 157 00:08:35,229 --> 00:08:36,938 [indistinct chatter] 158 00:08:37,021 --> 00:08:39,312 ♪♪♪ 159 00:08:39,396 --> 00:08:41,479 So how long you in Seattle? 160 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,396 - Till I go to New York. - What's in New York? 161 00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,187 Your competition. 162 00:08:45,271 --> 00:08:47,021 I'd write you a check right now if it meant we could stream 163 00:08:47,104 --> 00:08:50,396 the last 30 years of Puppet Time on our service. 164 00:08:50,479 --> 00:08:51,604 It's the new stuff I'm uncomfortable 165 00:08:51,688 --> 00:08:54,146 putting Amazon's name on. 166 00:08:54,229 --> 00:08:56,354 I will buy the archives. 167 00:08:56,438 --> 00:08:58,646 I told your dad I would. 168 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:02,312 But I'm not putting you back on the air. 169 00:09:02,396 --> 00:09:04,146 You're worried about Jeff having a filter. 170 00:09:04,229 --> 00:09:06,730 Right now, he doesn't have a filter, 171 00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:09,062 and he's broadcasting every day 172 00:09:09,146 --> 00:09:11,021 through a network of talking dolls 173 00:09:11,104 --> 00:09:12,855 because what the fuck? 174 00:09:12,938 --> 00:09:14,730 [chuckles softly] 175 00:09:14,813 --> 00:09:17,855 And who buys the dolls? The parents. 176 00:09:17,938 --> 00:09:19,896 And what website are they buying them on? 177 00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:21,730 Ours. 178 00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:25,938 - How many dolls have you sold? - I can't tell you that. 179 00:09:26,021 --> 00:09:28,021 But you know the answer. 180 00:09:28,104 --> 00:09:30,938 Here are the rules. We shoot in Columbus. 181 00:09:31,021 --> 00:09:33,855 Nobody tells Jeff there are things he can't say. 182 00:09:33,938 --> 00:09:35,896 I didn't realize we were negotiating. 183 00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:38,187 We keep total creative control. 184 00:09:38,271 --> 00:09:39,896 - Let me think about it. - I'm not done. 185 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,688 And every child in America needs to be able 186 00:09:42,771 --> 00:09:45,688 to watch the show for free. 187 00:09:45,771 --> 00:09:50,396 ♪♪♪ 188 00:09:50,479 --> 00:09:52,604 When are you leaving for New York? 189 00:09:52,688 --> 00:09:54,229 Wouldn't you like to know? 190 00:09:59,312 --> 00:10:01,563 [Peter] So lunch, huh? I love lunch. 191 00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:05,312 You wanna go out or stay in? 192 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,646 [Jeff] I only have cereal. 193 00:10:08,312 --> 00:10:09,730 [Peter] Yeah, that's fine. 194 00:10:18,271 --> 00:10:20,229 What's it like having me inside you? 195 00:10:20,312 --> 00:10:22,104 The same, 196 00:10:22,187 --> 00:10:24,438 except for the odd moment I catch myself 197 00:10:24,521 --> 00:10:26,896 doing something I've never done before, 198 00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,938 like learning to walk again. 199 00:10:32,104 --> 00:10:33,354 That was me joking. 200 00:10:33,438 --> 00:10:34,813 - [exhales] - Sort of. 201 00:10:36,855 --> 00:10:38,396 So you didn't have to learn how to walk again? 202 00:10:38,479 --> 00:10:40,688 No, I did. 203 00:10:42,855 --> 00:10:45,938 Do you remember stealing my rocket ship? 204 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:47,813 Ennui calling me a cocksucker? 205 00:10:50,146 --> 00:10:51,146 I don't think so. 206 00:10:51,229 --> 00:10:52,896 Oh. 207 00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:55,229 There was a second when I thought our souls were fusing. 208 00:10:55,312 --> 00:10:59,187 No, my soul was crushed when you ran over it with your car. 209 00:10:59,271 --> 00:11:00,938 Sorry. 210 00:11:01,021 --> 00:11:03,938 [sighs] I should've known weed was a big deal for you 211 00:11:04,021 --> 00:11:07,855 after all those anti-drug PSAs that you did in the '90s, 212 00:11:07,938 --> 00:11:11,855 not to mention how upset you were over Will smoking up. 213 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,146 I... 214 00:11:13,229 --> 00:11:15,646 I shouldn't have offered you that joint. 215 00:11:15,730 --> 00:11:17,396 Thanks for saying that. 216 00:11:19,104 --> 00:11:21,771 Can you help me find some weed? 217 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:24,688 Hi. Uh... 218 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,980 I'm a doctor, 219 00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:29,604 and a patient of mine... 220 00:11:29,688 --> 00:11:31,938 [softly] who's a well-known public figure... 221 00:11:32,021 --> 00:11:34,896 [normal voice] is waiting outside. 222 00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:37,688 Um... 223 00:11:37,771 --> 00:11:39,229 [softly] It's important for his reputation 224 00:11:39,312 --> 00:11:42,062 that no one sees him... 225 00:11:42,146 --> 00:11:44,688 [whispering] buy marijuana, so could we, like, 226 00:11:44,771 --> 00:11:46,604 possibly clear the establishment? 227 00:11:46,688 --> 00:11:48,563 Sorry, Doctor. State law 228 00:11:48,646 --> 00:11:51,104 provides these patients with the right to be here. 229 00:11:51,187 --> 00:11:52,855 We could lose our license. 230 00:11:52,938 --> 00:11:54,521 [mumbles] 231 00:11:54,604 --> 00:11:56,438 [sighs] Well, 232 00:11:56,521 --> 00:11:59,146 don't wanna break the law. 233 00:11:59,229 --> 00:12:01,813 Who is it? 234 00:12:01,896 --> 00:12:04,354 ♪ mellow music ♪ 235 00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:05,896 [sighs] 236 00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:07,771 Am I gonna regret this? 237 00:12:07,855 --> 00:12:11,021 If it makes a difference, I've watched Puppet Time 238 00:12:11,104 --> 00:12:12,980 plenty of times while medicated. 239 00:12:13,062 --> 00:12:15,146 Me too. 240 00:12:15,229 --> 00:12:17,021 All right. 241 00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,813 [woman] I always learn something new about myself 242 00:12:19,896 --> 00:12:21,604 and about Pickle Barrel Falls. 243 00:12:21,688 --> 00:12:23,646 - Like what? - Like how none of the puppets 244 00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:26,771 on the show are mothers, which is weird. 245 00:12:26,855 --> 00:12:30,479 But then you realize the water is your mom 246 00:12:30,563 --> 00:12:32,354 because it's everywhere 247 00:12:32,438 --> 00:12:34,104 and it takes you anywhere that you wanna go. 248 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,312 But it also can't speak, 249 00:12:36,396 --> 00:12:39,354 so it's kinda like how the hardest part of parenting 250 00:12:39,438 --> 00:12:41,604 is sending your kid down the river of life 251 00:12:41,688 --> 00:12:44,021 and being both on the journey, 252 00:12:44,104 --> 00:12:47,730 but unable to steer the ship. 253 00:12:47,813 --> 00:12:50,479 Also, Sy the Wide-Eyed Fly is death. 254 00:12:50,563 --> 00:12:52,146 Oh. 255 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:54,563 [Peter] And Hopscotch the Sasquatch might have leprosy 256 00:12:54,646 --> 00:12:56,730 'cause he's just down to the one leg, 257 00:12:56,813 --> 00:12:58,730 but, you know, what do I know? 258 00:12:58,813 --> 00:13:01,229 I'm just high and a doctor. 259 00:13:01,312 --> 00:13:02,980 I definitely don't wanna smoke anything. 260 00:13:03,062 --> 00:13:05,104 You don't have to smoke anything. 261 00:13:05,187 --> 00:13:08,146 ♪♪♪ 262 00:13:08,229 --> 00:13:09,730 How's your recovery? 263 00:13:12,146 --> 00:13:15,896 Well, I've, uh, lost most of my liver. 264 00:13:15,980 --> 00:13:18,479 I had to quit smoking cold turkey, stop drinking. 265 00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:20,563 I have acute erectile dysfunction 266 00:13:20,646 --> 00:13:22,771 and I lost my job, 267 00:13:22,855 --> 00:13:25,396 but other than those five examples, 268 00:13:25,479 --> 00:13:27,271 I'm really good. 269 00:13:27,354 --> 00:13:29,604 And you and Jill are... the same? 270 00:13:29,688 --> 00:13:32,021 - We're a lot stronger now... - Mm. 271 00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:34,438 That I quit drinking, stopped smoking, 272 00:13:34,521 --> 00:13:37,938 spent more time at home since I've lost my job. 273 00:13:38,021 --> 00:13:40,730 Her teaching me to walk upstairs again 274 00:13:40,813 --> 00:13:43,646 was a real relationship booster. 275 00:13:43,730 --> 00:13:47,688 Well, between you, me, and Ennui Le Stoned, 276 00:13:47,771 --> 00:13:50,855 I too am having a little issue with ED. 277 00:13:50,938 --> 00:13:53,354 Not uncommon after major surgery. 278 00:13:53,438 --> 00:13:55,646 Obviously, it's different for you. 279 00:13:55,730 --> 00:13:58,312 Your car has a garage to pull into. 280 00:13:58,396 --> 00:14:01,271 I'm parked on the street at night 281 00:14:01,354 --> 00:14:02,813 and in the shower. 282 00:14:02,896 --> 00:14:04,104 Here. 283 00:14:04,187 --> 00:14:06,021 It's a tea so you don't have to smoke it. 284 00:14:06,104 --> 00:14:09,479 And you dip it in water, so it'll remind you of your mom. 285 00:14:09,563 --> 00:14:12,855 Will you sip drugs with me? 286 00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,896 I don't wanna be alone my first time. 287 00:14:16,730 --> 00:14:19,146 Yeah, I'll sip drugs with you. 288 00:14:19,229 --> 00:14:22,146 ♪ bright music ♪ 289 00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:24,896 ♪♪♪ 290 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:28,479 This reminds me of the night I lost my virginity. 291 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,104 Was she a pot-sipper? 292 00:14:30,187 --> 00:14:32,312 No, but we did it in her grandmother's house 293 00:14:32,396 --> 00:14:34,604 and she had the same tea set. 294 00:14:34,688 --> 00:14:38,021 Nothing like a post-coital digestive biscuit 295 00:14:38,104 --> 00:14:40,312 from Nana's treat jar. 296 00:14:40,396 --> 00:14:42,771 I lost my virginity to an older woman. 297 00:14:44,438 --> 00:14:46,104 Really? 298 00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:47,896 I guess that I assumed Jill was your one and only. 299 00:14:47,980 --> 00:14:50,688 She was my second and most special. 300 00:14:50,771 --> 00:14:53,938 Mm-hmm. Who was your first? 301 00:14:54,021 --> 00:14:57,563 I don't think I should say. She was an actress. 302 00:14:57,646 --> 00:15:00,187 Oh. Would I know her? 303 00:15:00,271 --> 00:15:02,855 She starred in a movie 304 00:15:02,938 --> 00:15:04,938 about the sound of music. 305 00:15:07,938 --> 00:15:11,187 Did you lose your virginity to Julie Andrews? 306 00:15:14,354 --> 00:15:15,896 Mary Poppins? 307 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:18,604 My sister calls her Cherry Poppins. 308 00:15:18,688 --> 00:15:19,604 [whispers] How old were you? 309 00:15:19,688 --> 00:15:22,104 I was 16 going on 17. 310 00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:23,479 You're kidding. 311 00:15:23,563 --> 00:15:24,813 Yes. 312 00:15:24,896 --> 00:15:28,438 I was 28. She was 59, but vivacious. 313 00:15:28,521 --> 00:15:30,563 You're familiar with the 1995 Broadway season? 314 00:15:30,646 --> 00:15:32,146 I'm not. No. 315 00:15:32,229 --> 00:15:36,021 I got to go backstage during her run of Victor/Victoria. 316 00:15:36,104 --> 00:15:39,563 Let's just say between me and her Tony nomination, 317 00:15:39,646 --> 00:15:43,146 one she famously declined, the other was me. 318 00:15:43,229 --> 00:15:45,062 Which one was she dressed as? Victor or Victoria? 319 00:15:45,146 --> 00:15:47,271 A gentleman never tells. 320 00:15:47,354 --> 00:15:48,271 [door closes] 321 00:15:48,354 --> 00:15:49,271 Mm. 322 00:15:51,938 --> 00:15:53,104 What are you two doing? 323 00:15:53,187 --> 00:15:55,271 Drinking weed. 324 00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:57,646 Cool. 325 00:15:57,730 --> 00:15:59,187 Don't forget to take these. 326 00:15:59,271 --> 00:16:02,104 They're so your liver doesn't fall out of your ass. 327 00:16:02,187 --> 00:16:03,688 Enjoy whatever this is. 328 00:16:03,771 --> 00:16:06,104 Hey. 329 00:16:06,187 --> 00:16:07,646 Do you like my haircut? 330 00:16:10,563 --> 00:16:12,688 Later, Pancake. 331 00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:14,646 [door rattles, closes] 332 00:16:14,730 --> 00:16:16,604 [whispers] I like your haircut. 333 00:16:16,688 --> 00:16:17,938 Why do you call her "Pancake"? 334 00:16:18,021 --> 00:16:19,980 'Cause on our first date, 335 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:22,271 we had pancakes. 336 00:16:22,354 --> 00:16:24,229 I'm not feeling anything from this tea. 337 00:16:24,312 --> 00:16:27,062 I don't think I'm high, but I have an idea. 338 00:16:27,146 --> 00:16:28,980 We find the tallest building in the city. 339 00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,938 We ride the elevator all the way to the top. 340 00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:32,938 And if the elevator is fast enough, 341 00:16:33,021 --> 00:16:35,688 it should push the blood from our brains to our penises, 342 00:16:35,771 --> 00:16:39,438 solving our erectile disorders. 343 00:16:39,521 --> 00:16:41,354 No, you're high. 344 00:16:41,438 --> 00:16:44,312 ♪ Beethoven's Fur Elise ♪ 345 00:16:44,396 --> 00:16:48,521 ♪♪♪ 346 00:16:48,604 --> 00:16:50,229 See you tomorrow at the mediation. 347 00:16:50,312 --> 00:16:52,021 Don't sound so excited. 348 00:16:52,104 --> 00:16:53,813 Well, I'm not excited. 349 00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:56,229 I'll be excited when you close that Amazon deal 350 00:16:56,312 --> 00:16:57,980 and I get half of it. 351 00:16:58,062 --> 00:16:59,604 I'll be excited about getting half the cash 352 00:16:59,688 --> 00:17:02,354 you squirreled away instead of giving it to charity. 353 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,521 But I'm not excited about the mediation itself. 354 00:17:04,604 --> 00:17:07,688 That sounds boring. 355 00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:10,021 Aren't you gonna ask why I'm in a tuxedo? 356 00:17:10,104 --> 00:17:13,104 I didn't notice. 357 00:17:13,187 --> 00:17:15,896 [door hinges creak] 358 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:18,813 ♪ rapid piano music ♪ 359 00:17:18,896 --> 00:17:23,938 ♪♪♪ 360 00:17:38,229 --> 00:17:39,646 Tonight's honoree 361 00:17:39,730 --> 00:17:42,730 is one of the most selfless individuals I have met 362 00:17:42,813 --> 00:17:45,646 in my 42 years helping children. 363 00:17:45,730 --> 00:17:49,104 Her generous donation of nearly $1 million... 364 00:17:53,438 --> 00:17:56,062 Will go directly to a new program 365 00:17:56,146 --> 00:18:00,062 focused on Columbus' most at-risk youth. 366 00:18:00,146 --> 00:18:03,771 Deirdre's Kids: No child left behind. 367 00:18:03,855 --> 00:18:05,104 Ladies and gentlemen, 368 00:18:05,187 --> 00:18:07,604 Columbus' Philanthropist of the Year, 369 00:18:07,688 --> 00:18:09,396 Deirdre Piccirillo. 370 00:18:09,479 --> 00:18:12,229 [applause] 371 00:18:17,771 --> 00:18:21,062 - I've devoted my life... - [applause fades] 372 00:18:21,146 --> 00:18:25,354 To giving a voice to the voiceless, 373 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,896 a hand to the handless, 374 00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:30,187 hope... 375 00:18:30,271 --> 00:18:32,855 [sighs] Why didn't you clap for me? 376 00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:36,646 [piano lounge music playing] 377 00:18:36,730 --> 00:18:38,771 Really? Nothing? 378 00:18:38,855 --> 00:18:40,730 I just won an award 379 00:18:40,813 --> 00:18:43,521 and a bunch of poor kids got Chromebooks. 380 00:18:43,604 --> 00:18:47,896 ♪♪♪ 381 00:18:47,980 --> 00:18:49,980 Nothing? Nada? 382 00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:52,604 I thought you were just avoiding tax evasion. 383 00:18:52,688 --> 00:18:54,271 I'm talking to him. 384 00:18:54,354 --> 00:18:57,896 Is this because you were wrong about the listening doll? 385 00:18:57,980 --> 00:18:59,521 Is it because I'm getting the show back on the air 386 00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:01,021 and you couldn't? 387 00:19:01,104 --> 00:19:04,438 No. I did not make too many demands. 388 00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:06,813 I demanded our worth. 389 00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,688 He didn't say anything. 390 00:19:08,771 --> 00:19:12,604 [forced chuckle] I'm aware. 391 00:19:12,688 --> 00:19:14,104 Would you please say something? 392 00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,438 Anything? Please? 393 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:17,771 They spelled your name wrong. 394 00:19:21,896 --> 00:19:23,771 Where the fuck is Jeff? 395 00:19:23,855 --> 00:19:27,855 Your hand is glued to that trophy, isn't it? 396 00:19:27,938 --> 00:19:29,521 No! 397 00:19:31,855 --> 00:19:33,813 I feel like I'm supposed to be someplace. 398 00:19:33,896 --> 00:19:35,229 - [elevator dings] - [Peter chuckles] 399 00:19:37,354 --> 00:19:40,312 - Sorry, elevator's closed. - For science. 400 00:19:42,021 --> 00:19:43,855 - [exhales] - Okay, moment of truth. 401 00:19:43,938 --> 00:19:46,146 I'm nervous. 402 00:19:46,229 --> 00:19:49,229 [elevator whirring] 403 00:19:53,730 --> 00:19:55,730 [exhales] 404 00:19:55,813 --> 00:19:58,062 [elevator stops, dings] 405 00:19:58,146 --> 00:19:59,563 - [doors open] - [gasps] 406 00:19:59,646 --> 00:20:02,521 Oh. 407 00:20:02,604 --> 00:20:04,062 You're a genius. 408 00:20:04,146 --> 00:20:06,896 No. I failed. 409 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:09,688 [sighs] Fix me, Peter. 410 00:20:11,938 --> 00:20:14,604 - [grunts, sighs] - [elevator dings] 411 00:20:14,688 --> 00:20:16,479 [elevator whirs] 412 00:20:16,563 --> 00:20:19,688 It's the night of the Von Trapp's big party. 413 00:20:19,771 --> 00:20:21,980 [whispering] Fraulein Maria is out on the patio 414 00:20:22,062 --> 00:20:23,896 teaching Friedrich the Laendler. 415 00:20:23,980 --> 00:20:25,521 Stop. Don't do that. 416 00:20:25,604 --> 00:20:28,146 Captain appears in the doorway, taps his son on the shoulder... 417 00:20:28,229 --> 00:20:29,604 [sighs] 418 00:20:29,688 --> 00:20:32,229 Takes Maria's hand in his crisp, white glove. 419 00:20:32,312 --> 00:20:34,730 - Peter, please. - Together at last. 420 00:20:34,813 --> 00:20:36,438 Their two bodies gliding 421 00:20:36,521 --> 00:20:38,771 in perfect synchronicity under the Austrian moonlight. 422 00:20:38,855 --> 00:20:40,354 It's not gonna work. 423 00:20:40,438 --> 00:20:42,855 So lost in each other's eyes, they don't even notice-- 424 00:20:42,938 --> 00:20:45,688 Notice The Baroness approach. 425 00:20:45,771 --> 00:20:47,438 He never loved her. 426 00:20:47,521 --> 00:20:49,438 Never. 427 00:20:49,521 --> 00:20:52,146 The Captain's heart melts for Maria, 428 00:20:52,229 --> 00:20:54,062 but she made a vow to God, 429 00:20:54,146 --> 00:20:56,312 which is why she breaks away from him. 430 00:20:56,396 --> 00:20:57,771 - Breathless. - Yep. 431 00:20:57,855 --> 00:20:58,896 - Blushing. - Uh-huh. 432 00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:00,855 - Beguiled - Amen. 433 00:21:00,938 --> 00:21:02,062 [elevator dings] 434 00:21:02,146 --> 00:21:03,855 ♪ pleasant music ♪ 435 00:21:03,938 --> 00:21:06,646 [humming cheerfully] 436 00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:09,938 Thanks for spending time with me. 437 00:21:10,021 --> 00:21:11,229 I hadn't been getting out much. 438 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,062 No, thanks for the liver. 439 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,479 [both laugh] 440 00:21:15,563 --> 00:21:18,855 Um... 441 00:21:18,938 --> 00:21:20,730 now I should go see Jill. 442 00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,896 Oh. 443 00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:24,896 I understand. 444 00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:28,229 I should go buy some ping pong balls and a jar of mayonnaise. 445 00:21:28,312 --> 00:21:31,980 Ping pong balls go in a sock. Mayonnaise in my hand. 446 00:21:32,062 --> 00:21:34,855 - To masturbate. - Yeah. 447 00:21:34,938 --> 00:21:37,604 Well, good luck with Pancake. 448 00:21:37,688 --> 00:21:39,813 Thank you. 449 00:21:39,896 --> 00:21:43,521 [laughs] Um... 450 00:21:43,604 --> 00:21:44,896 She really wants you to sign those divorce papers. 451 00:21:44,980 --> 00:21:47,229 [softly] Oh, right. 452 00:21:47,312 --> 00:21:50,271 ♪ melancholy music ♪ 453 00:21:50,354 --> 00:21:53,271 ♪♪♪ 454 00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:56,813 [faucet running] 455 00:21:56,896 --> 00:21:58,146 Why do you sound like me? 456 00:21:58,229 --> 00:22:01,104 [crickets chirping] 457 00:22:01,187 --> 00:22:03,771 I learned English from watching your show. 458 00:22:03,855 --> 00:22:07,479 It was the only voice I heard, so it's the only voice I have. 459 00:22:10,146 --> 00:22:11,855 Jeff? 460 00:22:11,938 --> 00:22:13,521 You still there? 461 00:22:15,271 --> 00:22:16,813 [inhales deeply] 462 00:22:16,896 --> 00:22:20,271 I have to say good-bye to my best friend today, 463 00:22:20,354 --> 00:22:23,312 but I don't think I can sign the papers. 464 00:22:23,396 --> 00:22:25,646 If I sign them, I won't have any friends left. 465 00:22:25,730 --> 00:22:27,229 [Josip] I'm sorry, Jeff. 466 00:22:27,312 --> 00:22:28,896 If you're calling your puppet erotica voice double 467 00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:31,104 for relationship advice, 468 00:22:31,187 --> 00:22:32,980 I believe you. 469 00:22:33,062 --> 00:22:35,146 So what should I do? 470 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:38,229 You have to move on. Sign the papers. 471 00:22:38,312 --> 00:22:40,646 Ugh. I don't wanna do it alone. 472 00:22:40,730 --> 00:22:43,563 I want her to be there with me. 473 00:22:47,062 --> 00:22:48,062 What's her number? 474 00:22:50,688 --> 00:22:52,479 It's okay. You can trust me. 475 00:22:54,646 --> 00:22:56,146 Six-one-four, one-two-four, 476 00:22:56,229 --> 00:22:57,730 four-three-two-four. 477 00:22:57,813 --> 00:23:00,312 [phone dialing] 478 00:23:00,396 --> 00:23:01,980 [line ringing] 479 00:23:02,062 --> 00:23:04,438 [Jill] Hi, it's Jill. Sorry I missed your call. 480 00:23:04,521 --> 00:23:06,312 - But please leave a message. - [beep] 481 00:23:06,396 --> 00:23:08,438 [Josip] Hi, Jill. It's me, Jeff. 482 00:23:08,521 --> 00:23:10,521 I'm gonna sign the papers, but on one condition. 483 00:23:10,604 --> 00:23:13,646 I would like you to be with me when I do it. 484 00:23:13,730 --> 00:23:15,938 Thanks for understanding. Good-bye. 485 00:23:17,855 --> 00:23:19,563 How was that? 486 00:23:23,312 --> 00:23:25,021 I couldn't have said it better myself. 487 00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:26,980 [laughs softly] 488 00:23:27,062 --> 00:23:28,730 Friends come and go. 489 00:23:28,813 --> 00:23:31,563 Sometimes, we even have to say good-bye to our best friends. 490 00:23:31,646 --> 00:23:33,563 In the end, it's important to remember 491 00:23:33,646 --> 00:23:36,354 that our real best friend is always there, 492 00:23:36,438 --> 00:23:38,938 staring at us in the mirror. 493 00:23:39,062 --> 00:23:40,604 [squeegee squeals] 494 00:23:40,688 --> 00:23:43,563 ♪ mellow music box music ♪ 495 00:23:43,646 --> 00:23:45,146 [door opens] 496 00:23:45,229 --> 00:23:45,980 What? 497 00:23:46,062 --> 00:23:51,104 ♪♪♪ 498 00:23:56,312 --> 00:23:58,146 [Deirdre] They accepted every term. 499 00:24:01,312 --> 00:24:03,271 [both laugh] 500 00:24:03,354 --> 00:24:05,438 Oh, you had--where's the hair? 501 00:24:05,521 --> 00:24:07,229 - I know. - [indistinct chatter] 502 00:24:07,312 --> 00:24:08,771 I thought it was against the rules. 503 00:24:08,855 --> 00:24:13,563 ♪♪♪ 504 00:24:42,688 --> 00:24:44,646 My client would like to submit the substantial proceeds 505 00:24:44,730 --> 00:24:49,062 from Ms. Piccirillo's recent business deal with Amazon.com 506 00:24:49,146 --> 00:24:52,104 to the sum of their shared communal assets. 507 00:24:52,187 --> 00:24:54,479 Actually, my client informs me that that deal won't close 508 00:24:54,563 --> 00:24:56,563 until well after we've finished our mediation. 509 00:24:56,646 --> 00:24:57,980 - What? - [Deirdre] Sorry. 510 00:24:58,062 --> 00:24:59,479 Delay in paperwork. 511 00:24:59,563 --> 00:25:02,771 - Well, good move on your part. - Thank you. 512 00:25:02,855 --> 00:25:05,354 My client also asserts his entitlement to over 513 00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:07,563 $1 million in funds meant for charity 514 00:25:07,646 --> 00:25:09,563 that Ms. Piccirillo has hidden in various accounts 515 00:25:09,646 --> 00:25:11,021 over a period of 12 years. 516 00:25:11,104 --> 00:25:12,521 I'm so sorry. 517 00:25:12,604 --> 00:25:14,312 Those funds have already been allocated 518 00:25:14,396 --> 00:25:15,730 to our city's at-risk youth. 519 00:25:15,813 --> 00:25:19,563 But I guess I could always ask that they be returned. 520 00:25:19,646 --> 00:25:21,563 Let the record show that my client 521 00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:24,229 has recently received an award for her efforts. 522 00:25:27,896 --> 00:25:29,312 They spelt your name wrong. 523 00:25:29,396 --> 00:25:31,146 - Shrug. - Let's move on. 524 00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:33,312 - Please. - Please. 525 00:25:33,396 --> 00:25:35,813 [lawyer] When all is said and done, we've determined that 526 00:25:35,896 --> 00:25:38,855 the combined value of their cash, 527 00:25:38,938 --> 00:25:40,938 holdings, and intellectual property 528 00:25:41,021 --> 00:25:44,938 comes to a total of $207.4 million. 529 00:25:45,021 --> 00:25:46,438 Ah. 530 00:25:46,521 --> 00:25:48,229 That, what? 531 00:25:48,312 --> 00:25:49,938 What did you just say? 532 00:25:50,021 --> 00:25:54,354 Much of that value comes from your intellectual property. 533 00:25:54,438 --> 00:25:56,062 These are your designs, aren't they? 534 00:25:56,146 --> 00:25:57,855 Where'd you... 535 00:25:57,938 --> 00:26:01,271 The state considers these creatures a communal asset. 536 00:26:01,354 --> 00:26:04,438 Ergo, Scott, a recently-single, 537 00:26:04,521 --> 00:26:07,312 openly-gay man is entitled to half. 538 00:26:07,396 --> 00:26:09,479 Did you just say openly gay? 539 00:26:09,563 --> 00:26:12,938 Wait, I... I own all the puppets? 540 00:26:13,021 --> 00:26:16,104 [lawyer] You created them. The copyrights are in your name. 541 00:26:16,187 --> 00:26:17,396 Your father never told you? 542 00:26:17,479 --> 00:26:19,604 [Scott] Who knew so many major brands 543 00:26:19,688 --> 00:26:21,354 were clamoring for spokes-puppets? 544 00:26:21,438 --> 00:26:23,730 I've been fielding calls all week. 545 00:26:23,813 --> 00:26:25,521 Fast food. Pharmaceuticals. 546 00:26:25,604 --> 00:26:27,021 You can't have them. 547 00:26:27,104 --> 00:26:30,354 You're the one who agreed to split everything 50/50. 548 00:26:30,438 --> 00:26:31,813 We did. 549 00:26:33,980 --> 00:26:37,229 I'm sorry. Let's begin, eh? 550 00:26:37,312 --> 00:26:40,146 ♪ soft rousing music ♪ 551 00:26:40,229 --> 00:26:44,646 ♪♪♪ 552 00:26:44,730 --> 00:26:46,563 [lawyer] My client Scott Perera 553 00:26:46,646 --> 00:26:50,104 will now take sole custody of the following puppets. 554 00:26:50,187 --> 00:26:52,271 Ennui Le Triste. 555 00:26:52,354 --> 00:26:55,479 $26.1 million. 556 00:26:55,563 --> 00:26:57,187 ♪♪♪ 557 00:26:57,271 --> 00:26:59,062 Snagglehorse. 558 00:26:59,146 --> 00:27:01,938 ♪♪♪ 559 00:27:02,021 --> 00:27:03,938 $18.2 million. 560 00:27:06,187 --> 00:27:08,354 Thump-Thump. 561 00:27:12,062 --> 00:27:15,938 $9.4 million. 562 00:27:16,021 --> 00:27:17,813 The Oops. 563 00:27:21,354 --> 00:27:23,187 $12.4 million. 564 00:27:23,271 --> 00:27:25,146 Oops. 565 00:27:25,229 --> 00:27:29,229 Astronotter. 566 00:27:29,312 --> 00:27:32,146 $21.4 million. 567 00:27:32,229 --> 00:27:35,771 I just want what's fair. 568 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:37,312 [lawyer] Oh, sorry. 569 00:27:37,396 --> 00:27:39,688 I forgot one. 570 00:27:39,771 --> 00:27:43,646 ♪ Some were there in the beginning ♪ 571 00:27:43,730 --> 00:27:48,604 ♪ Some don't show up till the end ♪ 572 00:27:48,688 --> 00:27:51,604 ♪ But it's the ones who never leave you ♪ 573 00:27:51,688 --> 00:27:56,229 ♪ They're the ones that you can always call ♪ 574 00:27:58,604 --> 00:28:03,396 ♪ A friend ♪ 40625

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